THE WAVERLY NEWSLETTER

Winter, 1995 - Volume VII New York, NY
We're Very Competitive!
There's an old saying at the Waverly Invitational: "Set fire to the tees and cover the greens with broken glass, put the contestants out there in gasoline-soaked pants and barefoot, and somebody just might break par.

Better Golf Now
Tee Shots - Your tee shot should always wind up in the fairway (mowed surface), ideally 280 yards from where you swung at it. Make sure the golf ball is in the fairway before taking your next swing. This may entail throwing the ball into the fairway from the rough, from behind a tree, from out of the sand or even out of the water, but it is essential. There are remote parts of the country where such behavior may incur a penalty stroke, but it is still the best strategy. By and large, you will make a lower score if you do not try to hit your golf ball out of the weeds, trees, sand or, it should go without saying, water. Long Irons - These are the one, two and three irons. Break them all in half immediately. Throw them into the nearest river, lake, creek, ocean or sewer. If you insist on trying to hit a long iron now and then, be sure to whistle a Broadway tune as you swing. Keeping Score - There is a tendency among most golfers to let their scores bother them. No golfer has ever shot a score, however low, that was as good as what he thought he should have shot--or deserved. For example, the touring pro who shoots a round of 63 truly believes he could have shot a 61, or even a 58, if God hadn't wanted to fuck him. The recreational golfer should never keep score. The only time the recreational golfer may wish to keep score is on that day when he has taken so many mulligans and conceded himself so many six-foot putts that he has a real chance to break 80 or 90 for the first time. Always bear in mind that equipment, clothing and cars are more important than keeping score accurately.

Keeping Out The Riffraff
Due to the extreme interest by golfers internationally to enter the Waverly Invitational, an application system has be instituted in order to screen all potential contestants. As always, the previous year's participants are endowed with rights of initial entry. A waiting list will then be established based on a first come, first paid basis. Please fill out the following application and return it, along with your entry fee, to the proper authorities. All information contained within your application will be held in strict confidence.

The Waverly Invitational APPLICATION FOR 1995 TOURNAMENT Operation Headquarters Chapel Hill, NC 27516

PERSONAL INFORMATION Name: Nickname: Address (RFD): Daddy (if unknown, list two best suspects): Neck Shade: [ ]Light Red [ ]Medium Red [ ]Dark Red [ ]Other Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper Make of Pickup: Size of Tires:

Lower

HOUNDS: Type: [ ]Blue Tick [ ]Beagle [ ]Black & Tan [ ]Other Length of right leg: Length of Left leg: Other: How many cars/makes in front yard? How many on blocks? When and where was your last "ELVIS" sighting? Do you mostly polyester pants with snags? [ ]YES [ ]NO Do you own any shoes (not boots)? [ ]YES [ ]NO Are you married to any of the following (mark all that apply)? [ ]sister [ ]cousin [ ]cousin's sister [ ]aunt [ ]other, explain: Does your wife weigh more than your pickup? [ ]YES [ ]NO Can you sign your name and always spell it right? [ ]YES [ ]NO Have you ever had more than one bath in a week? [ ]NO [ ]YES Explain: MEDICAL INFORMATION Do you have at least two (2) of the following: [ ]BO [ ]Crabs [ ]Lice [ ]Bad Breath [ ]Scales [ ]Fleas [ ]Tattoos [ ]Crossed Eyes [ ]Runny Nose [ ]Green Teeth [ ]Yellow Teeth [ ]Brown Teeth [ ]Any Teeth [ ]Number of teeth missing? GENERAL INFORMATION Can you count past 10 with your shoes on? [ ]YES [ ]NO Past 21 with fly up? [ ]Yes [ ]No Favorite Weapon: [ ]Tire Iron [ ]Pick Handle [ ]Log Chain [ ]Shot gun Favorite Pastime: [ ]Drinkin' [ ]Coon Huntin' [ ]Fishing [ ]Other Truck equipped with: [ ]Gun rack [ ]Fuzzbuster [ ]8-Track [ ]Rebel Flag [ ]Roll Bar [ ]CB Radio [ ]Squirrel Tail Favorite Vocalist: [ ]Willie Nelson [ ]Johnny Cash [ ]Elvis [ ]Conway Twitty Bumper Stickers:[ ]Honk if you love Jesus [ ]Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT [ ]Old Fart Cap Emblems: [ ]John Deere [ ]CAT [ ]SKOAL [ ]Bud [ ]Jack Daniels

News, Notes & Dirt:
A few thoughts during a slow day at the office .......... Why does Tim Bardo always look as if his auto insurance just expired .......... Given that he has a car and most of his teeth, Tom Barnes is now considered a great catch by women in the Laundromat .......... Odds are Pat Horn, when in his youth, was the first among the invitees out boosting cars .......... What ever happened to Mark "the bird" Fydrich .......... Tom Courtney still thinks car louvers are the coolest thing .......... From his Ice Cream Cadillac, Dean Warrick will sell refreshments in the Marriott parking lot following each round .......... The Commissioner/Event Dictator has announced that he would now like to be referred to as "The Ayahtolla" of the Waverly Invitational .......... I'd bet my left scrotum Jim Cadden had his high school squeeze wear his class ring ..........Survival Tip - Always get the hottest girl you can find to cut your hair. You're not going to look like Don Johnson anyway, so you might as well enjoy yourself for a half hour .......... Marty Kurlich was such a nerd in high school, he never had that nightmare about not being prepared for a final and then showing up naked for it .......... Top three movies ever; Caddie Shack, Slap Shot, Animal House; Honorable mention - Stripes .......... I kind of missed not being able to watch Don Boss wig out this past year .......... Only 100 days until the next Waverly Invitational.

Trivia:
Consider yourself a golf trivia extraordinaire - Genius Status - if you can name the first 2 national golf championships played at Pebble Beach. Kudos if can name even one.

"Get A Move On !!!"
A sample of things you can say to certain invitees to speed up play: "C'mon, hit. My clothes are going out of style" ....."So this is what a wax museum looks like" ..... "Hurry up, we'd like to finish this course before they redesign it" ..... "When I left home the O.J. trial was starting and I'd like to see how they turned out" ..... "Have you guys ever thought of playing golf while you're out here bird-watching?"

Letter To The Editor
Upon notice that he was named Chairman of the Beverage Committee, Jim Cadden offered this, "It is with humble dignity that I accept this post and I would like to thank the Waverly Board of Directors for entrusting me with such a great honor. The budget is tight, but I am optimistic that I can get the job done."

The Skinny On "Skank"
The movement to publish the Waverly's most commonly over and misused word in Webster's Dictionary is alive, well and beginning to border on cultish. It now appears that writing to the dictionary company is particularly popular among thirty something white males with nothing better to do than sit around and reminisce about how they used to bathe with an older brother, and that they enjoyed it!

The Gastronomical Golfer Story
Once upon a time there lived a golfer who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but always had a very embarrassing and somewhat odorous reaction to him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry he thought to himself, she is such a sweet and gentle girl she will never go for this carrying on--so he made the supreme sacrifice--and gave up beans. They were married shortly thereafter. Some months later his car broke down on the way home from the country club, and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he was going to be late because he had to walk home. On his way he passed a small cafe and the aroma of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any ill effects before he got home. He stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, in celebration of a great round of golf, he had eaten three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted; and, after arriving, felt reasonably safe that he had putted his last for the day. His wife seemed somewhat agitated, but excited to see him. She exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the dining table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold the telephone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned, and then she went to answer the phone. He seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air vigorously. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let it go again. A true prize-winner! While keeping his ear to the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes, until he knew the phone farewells indicated the end of his loneliness and freedom. He placed his napkin back on his lap and folded his hands on top of it, and smiling contentedly to himself, was the picture on innocence. When his wife returned, apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked and he, of course, assured her he had not. At this point she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise: Twelve dinner guests seated around the dining table for a "Happy Birthday" party for him. The Field, Under The Tree Dean Warrick - Detailed map of the Beltway complete with course locations. Rick Hakes - An Apple MAC to replace those mid-evil punch cards used for scoring. Pat Horn - A travel alarm clock that can be universally fit to his golf cart. Tim Bardo - Lifts for all his shoes & a truck load of fucking coal. Billy Gillette - Nothing, the man already has everything a man could want. Tom Courtney - Another carton of Camels, go smoke your brains out. Marty Kurlich - Some good Cuban stogies to share at the 95 Waverly. Jim Cadden - Permission from the field to come back in 1995, the vote was close. Tom Barnes - A lifetime pass to J.J. Muldoons when accompanied by an adult. Bill Carey - A note from his wife with permission to finish the tournament in 1995. Pat English - Thicker lenses to use when officiating a drinking contest. Your next edition of The Waverly Newsletter: Spring, 1995. Preview of the edition of the 11th Annual Waverly Invitational.

Answer: The 1929 U.S. Amateur and the 1940 U.S. Women's Amateur.