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E Group

Contents
Business Is Murder by doctorwoo Meat & Veg by TANK Legalise Canada by jimbob70 Artist's Remote Control (Unsung Artist) by NoFrillsart Weird noises by caanan Internet Lust is Sin by Chanel2 The ascent of Homer by Atomikboy The Marlborough Lisa by Cathie Tranent Pull My Finger by Danny Nolan True Romance by Chanel2 School Holidays by Chanel2 So Sad But True by Adrian Something Stealing The Light In Their Eyes by Scott Robinson Bert and Ernie Zombies by KillerNapkins Indeterminacy 334 (A Valentine's Carol) by
Indeterminacy

The Real thing.... by Scott Robinson The enchanted wood. by Danny Nolan Various by Chris White On Procrastination Of Domestic Duties by Brynn A Greener Australia by LAWFORD Edgar Allen Pooh by Danny Nolan MacGyver To The Rescue.. by Brad Hutchings Well Played Gladys by thetatecreative Breasts Are Mind Control Devices by Randy Monteith For a Moment I tought we were in a Shopping Twolley
by STRINGER

In Clowns We Trust by Atomikboy Octavius: Captain of the Guard by Randy Montieth How to write poetry on Red Bubble by Danny Nolan

The A.R.S.E Group

Business Is Murder by doctorwoo Category Art

Meat & Veg
by

TANK category ART

Legalise Canada by jimbob70 Category Clothing

Artist's Remote Control (Unsung Artist) by NoFrillsArt Category Art

Weird noises by caanan category Clothing

Internet Lust is Sin
by

Chanel2

Category Writing

Bone crunching Pelvic thrusting Writing full of People lusting Moons are high As lovers sigh Tender touching Aching thighs Naked chests Sweetly caressed Love juice floods The internet I need a break From all this sin! Um…I’ll just go put the Washer on spin…

The ascent of Homer
by

Atomikboy category Art

The Marlborough Lisa by Cathie Tranent category Clothing

Pull My Finger
by

Danny Nolan Category Writing

“Pull my finger” said dad “No” replied the son “Go on , it’s a surprise” “Dad, I’m thirteen. It isn’t even funny anymore” “Go on, humour your old man” “NO” “Come on for your dear old dad’s sake. It’s been brewin’ for a while” The son knew he would never get to fully enjoy the television show he was watching unless he complied with this age old ritual. The son took his father’s finger and in a moment of cheekiness decided to push instead of pull. The last thing the son remembers of his father was the look of shock and pain seconds before he exploded.

True Romance
by

Chanel2 Category writing

I love my husband dearly He truly is my heart But when it comes to romance He falls down at the start

His best flirtatious efforts Has him dancing all about Mick Jagger form of strutting With his thingies hanging out

Often when the time has come To end a busy day Kids are tucked up in their beds The washings put away

To change in my pyjamas Is a chore to say the least Then from my corner eye

Will come, this crazy dancing beast!

A candle by the bathtub Soft music, glass of wine A flower that’s been handpicked Could have me feeling fine

It’s surely not much effort And he really needs to know Will get him more attention Than his dancing willy show

School Holidays by Chanel Category Clothing

So Sad But True by Adrian Something Category Clothing

Stealing The Light In Their Eyes by Scott Robinson Category Clothing

Bert and Ernie Zombies by KillerNapkins Category Art

Indeterminacy 334 (A Valentine's Carol)
by

Indeterminacy Category Writing

It was Valentine’s Day. I brought down the wall-bed and there she was. “Who are you?” I asked the girl prone on her back wearing a mini skirt and casual black boots. “I am the ghost of girlfriends past,” she moaned at me the way a ghost would. “How delightful to see you,” I told her, showing her my undivided interest – as I was indeed delighted to see her – or all of them, even if the relationships hadn’t lasted all that long. I began to recognize Miriam’s eyes, Simone’s thighs and Katherine’s arm resting demurely below the tautly covered breasts that I knew were Tricia’s and Tina’s respectively. She offered me Vickie’s hand and I grasped it in mine. Instantly we were out on the town, on a conglomerate of first dates. But it went terribly wrong in a faux pas flurry of slurped soup and stepped on feet and overstepped bounds followed by slaps to my face, and the odd kick below the belt. I returned limping to my room, having lost them all in one night. There on the bed lay another girl. “I am the spirit of girlfriends present,” she stated less eerily, because she wasn’t dead. I recognized all three of my current flirts in one body, which was kind of a touchy situation, as they weren’t supposed to know about each other. She sprang up and glared at me with Georgia’s fiery eyes and clawed at me with Lina’s razor-like fingernails and spat at me with Vera’s venomous mouth. It was all I could do to toss the three of them back onto the bed and close it into the wall before she could lunge at me again. She would have scratched my eyes out, I’m sure, and swallowed them for breakfast. After a long quiet I deemed it safe to open the bed again. “I am the imagination of girlfriends yet to be,” announced the dark-haired beauty, her suggestive voice melting the icy fear of the previous visitation. I looked into her eyes and saw a collage of girls I’d had my eye on or stalked. She stared a beaconing gaze at me, then curled up on the bed, as if awaiting my advance. But she began to snigger as I approached, then to laugh outright, louder and fiercer. The love in her eyes turned to wicked mirth the nearer I came, and the laugh full of wrath. I pounced onto the bed to claim her kiss but found my mouth full of chicken feathers spurting from the mattress. After my coughing settled I noticed she was gone, and a note left on the pillow: “I’m leaving you, retroactively.” But the day was still young. I went to the store to buy a new set of Valentine cards.

The Real thing.... by Scott Robinson Category Clothing

The enchanted wood. Category Writing
by

E. Ned Blyton-Society
Aka Danny Nolan

“Dash it and a blow it” huffed Jane “That silly book has fallen again” The big book of Fairies that Jane was reading had slipped from the carrying basket and plopped itself between her and Johns seats. "Now I’m going to get my knees dirty." Jane crouched down and rescued her book from under the seat. John noticed the man opposite bend forward paying Jane’s activity a bit too much attention. Ever since they entered this compartment he had had his hands in his trouser pockets and shaking something in them. “Um.. Jane get up please. I think our stop is next” he said. “Got it,” Jane exclaimed. A look of disappointment overcame the man’s features and he went back to playing in his pockets. It was their first trip alone to Aunt May’s house. Usually Mother and Daddy came as well but Daddy hadn’t been home for some time now and Mother didn’t wake up until lunchtime these days and never really changed out of her dressing gown. Though Aunt May was fun and let them do things Mother and Daddy wouldn’t their favourite reason for their summer holidays was to return to the enchanted wood. When they arrived at Puffington Station, Aunt May had arranged for a cab to collect them. The cab driver was a scruffy but happy man who asked John to sit in the front seat with him and was kind enough to ask John what he thought of his magazines that he kept in the glove box. There were just picture books of big muscled men. ”How do like those apples son?” the cabby asked.

“Very firm and ripe” John answered not really knowing what the man was talking about. When the children arrived at Aunt Mays the driver said to John if he wanted he could show him a way to save Aunt May the cab fare.

John was too excited to be at their destination that he smiled and ran inside. There to meet them were cousins Dick and Joan. “Oh it is so good to be back again”But instead of happy talk and hugs Dick and Joan both wore long faces. “Oh Jane and John it so terrible what they have done. We’re so glad you have come” Said Joan. “What’s wrong? What’s happened?” asked John and Jane together. “The enchanted wood” began Dick “It’s all gone” “No” exclaimed both John and Jane. “How?” “The council have bulldozed the wood and the little people are lost” cried Joan.

“We must go investigate” said John. The children ran through the field that ran along the back of Aunt Mays house and jumped the brook. There in front of them where the lush trees and heavy ferns of the enchanted wood once stood was a construction crew building a stadium and huge car park. Together the four of them approached a large man with a hard hat on. “What have you done to our wood and what of the fairy people” yelled Jane Two questions were obviously too much for this man because he replied “What?” “Why is this happening?” cried John. “Oh, I see” began the large man “The wood and the insects”“Fairies” Joan corrected. “Right, well what can I say kids. It takes a lot of money to build a stadium like this and on week ends a lot of mum’s and dad’s wanna see their kids play, so that means a lot of cars. Car parks can’t make themselves not like trees they pop everywhere, did you know I’m growing one in my lounge room?”

“What about our friends the Fairy people?” sobbed Jane

“Oh, yeah . Them. Well they put up a good fight, with their itchy spells and fart bombs, but when the guys realized that when you squash them they were made of raspberry jam, the battle was over. They took off somewhere else” “You horrid horrid man” said Dick “Where did they go?”

“Couldn’t give a toss, now piss off , this is a building site and I got a monster turd poking it’s head out and your in the way of a good read on the porta-loo” The children had no idea what the large man was talking about as he turned and walked away leaving them sad and confused. As the children walked slowly back to Aunt Mays a voice whispered. ”Pssst Hey!” The children stopped . “Over here” the voice called. “It’s me” “Ding” cried the children all together. A small man with pointy ears, a green vest and a large hat stepped out from behind a shrub. “You’re alright” said Joan as she went to hug the fairy. “But we lost so many” Ding said as he hung his head and sobbed “Poor poor thing” comforted Jane. The children and Ding sat in the long grass warming themselves in the summer sun, they waited for Ding to compose himself. “It was so horrid” Ding said eventually “But we were badly beaten, but we have regrouped and have made a decision” But the children just looked back at him with blank expressions, he continued anyway. “We will bring forth the bad majik, we have gathered the witches and asked for and paid dearly for their services. We will regain what is ours at any cost” By now Ding was hopping up and down ,while Jane and Joan were making daisy chains and Dick was taking a nap.

Ding continued “Beware my little friends, remove yourselves from the zone only fire, brimstones and nashing of teeth await those who stay” and with that he twirled three times quickly and disappeared in a puff of smoke. “I’m hungry” said Dick “Me too” said the others and they went back home for dinner.

That night an explosion of devastating ferocity blew half the town of Puffington apart including the new stadium and its surrounds. At first it was thought to be the work of Al Quida operatives working out of the south of England but this was discounted when no signs of detonation were found and large amounts of Raspberry jam were discovered all over the blast site. The children spent the rest of their summer holidaying at Brighton.

Various by Chris White category Art

On Procrastination Of Domestic Duties by Brynn Category Writing
I see you watching me; yon mottled dust, Feathery filth, but clean you I must. Oh how much I do thee loathe; For all yon shelves do thee clothe. Thou poorly sight of beggar’s chaff, Thy unknown home of such rif raf. From depths of scum thou dost appear; To cloak all things both far and near. Enthusiasm thus I lack; or more than thee I loathe the act. Such a bore time surely waste, Yet here I sit in no great haste.

Must I fight thee in a duel? Surrender now yon grimy fool! Washed already I have this day, Foe I’d rather stay that way.

The point alas I cannot see; Omniscient you’ll always be. Crawling, creeping, floating down, Here to haunt me and surround. So as I sit and curse at thee, More time passes and I see. For not my effervescent woe, I could have finished long ago

A Greener Australia by LAWFORD
Category Writing

Water Saving Tips. We should all only shower every third day – then no one will notice as we all start to pong up together. But we must ALL start next Monday OK? Have a crap at work so that the water you are double flushing is not being paid for by you. (The double flushing is required because some bright spark decided that by reducing the water in the toilet cistern from 10 or 11 liters to 7 that it would save water. Only trouble is it won’t flush the floaties away – because there is not enough water to do it – and you have to flush twice. So you now use 14 liters to do the job) Drink beer if you need to re hydrate. There’s less water in a stubby of beer than there is in a 750ml bottle of water that costs more anyway.Build another pipeline from Melbourne to the Goulburn Valley. This is a new one to take all of Melbourne’s grey water to them. It’s only fair. We’re taking their clean water. Ban/Stop using Plastic Bags. It is much better to collect your groceries in a paper bag and have the bottom drop out of it as you are halfway up the stairs.The plastic bag you carelessly discard will end up in the sea and choke a dolphin. Don’t worry about the rotting vegetable peels and waste that no longer get put into plastic bags and buried in land fill. We will all be dead from various diseases carried by filthy flies within 5 years anyway so we won’t have to be concerned with buried plastic bags in the earth for the next 6 hundred years.What’s wrong with land fill anyway? Is there something wrong with holes in the ground?

Flatulence contributing to Green House Gasses. Stop farting. Yes YOU. Don’t pick on the cows. Sure, they fart. But so do you and you can control it. They can’t. Cars. Give up work. That way you will not need to leave the house for 5 or 6 days a week as you do now to go to work. Then you don’t need a car, or if you already have one you won’t need to use it except for going out to get the groceries. When you run out of money because you are not working you won’t even need to use it to get the groceries.Buy as many cars as you can and put them in storage. That way there will be fewer cars out there for other people to use. You can only drive one at a time now cant you?Buy an electric car. No pollution caused by you in the city where you drive. Only a little bit more pollution added over the Power Stations every time you plug in for a recharge. But that’s Ok ‘cause you wont see it.Use corn based fuel in your car. It’s better for clean air. There’s too much food in the world anyway.Buy a diesel powered car. You will use less fuel to get around. The manufacturing process of diesel fuel is less costly and takes less time so is more efficient all round. Every body saves – except you because the oil companies charges double the price they need to and their profits increase at a better rate. Exxon Mobil made US$39.5Billion profit last year. Have you got shares? Population Growth. Start a war. A really big one. I don’t care how you do it, just do it. None of this fiddling around like Bush is doing. We need to take the pressure off the planet ’cause there are too many people on it

eating our food and using our fuel. We need to get rid of at least a billion of them. With the population increasing by 200,000+ people a day it will take a while to get back to the current number and give us a bit of space.Just don’t bring your war to my country as we don’t want it. Recycled Paper. Use recyled paper for everything. It stuffs up the photo copier at work, but hey, you don’t have to pay for the repairs. Your photo/print quality will be excellent – if you like that sepia look to your shots that is.Dunny paper. Really not worth the shit that gets on your finger when it splits as you use it. Buy the good stuff. You deserve it – then you can rub and not have to dab. Electrical Items. Go to a supermarket and buy yourself the biggest magnification glasses they have. I think 5x is the largest. Then sit really close to your regular size TV and you won’t have to buy a 5 metre plasma screen. Better still. Turn it off and read a book printed on recycled paper.Don’t throw that old computer or mobile phone away. Pull it apart yourself and get the gold and other precious metals out of it. You might get enough to buy a cup of decaf coffee. Make some Money.Come up with a way to make yourself some money from the green effect.Design an organic cotton clothing range and sell it the public at twice the usual price. They’ll feel good and you’ll get rich.Build wind turbines in the back shed and stick them up on the coastline. Better views for everybody. But most of all. Feel good about yourself for your contribution. No matter how small it may be.

Edgar Allen Poe by Danny Nolan Category Clothing

MacGyver To The Rescue.....
by

Brad Hutchings Category Art

Well Played Gladys
by

thetatecreative Category Clothing

Breasts Are Mind Control Devices
by

Randy Monteith Category Clothing

For a moment there i tought we were in a shopping twolley! by Ivan Stringer
Category Art

In Clowns We Trust by Atomikboy Category Art

Octavius: Captain of the Guard The Land of Morphoria by Randy Monteith
Catergory Art

How to write poetry on Red Bubble Category Writing
Danny Nolan

Great tips for new players As you may have noticed all types have a go at expressing themselves on Red Bubble. The Photographers, illustrators, Tee Shirt designers even the casual observers all like to contribute a verse or too. This guide is to help those who wish to (but haven’t yet got the confidence) publish their poetic thoughts. Lesson One: Never think that you have to make sense or rhyme. Poetry has always in its nature been vague. Lots of history’s greatest poems are incomprehensible. Read anything by Milton, TS Elliot or even Chaucer and you’ll understand. Most literature has a basic principal. Start, Middle, End. With poetry there is a more artistic licence it’s more like: Start, Forget street directory, Get lost, Abandon car and hitch home. So if you forget what you started, don’t worry, most people reading won’t know either. Which bring us to our Lesson Two: Most poetry is usually by default accepted as personal , either describing personal events or conveying the deepest emotions of the author. Which basically means no one is going have a clue what you are writing about. So the reader will automatically feel sympathy. Both the previous rules present problems for the average

reader. Not everyone (read as NOBODY) wants to read some syrupy whiney clump of words and then feel embarrassed because they made a comment about your dead cat and you were writing about the time your boyfriend slept with your sister! This is why Lesson Three is so important in relation to Red Bubble Lesson Three: Always start with a short note before the poem starts explaining vaguely what your verse is about. This way the reader won’t feel foolish and will be able to comment on your journal because one the can pretend to feel empathy or pretend they understand what you are talking about. Lesson Four: Back to style. Never use one word when twelve will do. Example: Don’t Use: I hate you. Use: In the deepest crevices of my total being I cannot claw out the blackness, the distaste, the utter contempt I feel for you. Another example: Don’t use: I licked a lollipop Use: My tongue Twirled in and around The buds all tickling My mind unsound To the luscious likes That I had found. Lesson Five : Over express and /or describe everything refer Lesson Four

Lesson Six: Emphasis. Simple rules to convey a feeling or secret thought. Example: Your Aim- Projecting whispering, quiet , a thought. I whispered I love you (but only for your money) Example: Your Aim- expressing shouting , loud, anger I screamed your name to the wind GIVE ME BACK MY TROUSERS Lesson Seven: If you are young—pepper everything with random swear words to convey any emotion Example: Mum and Dad They hate me bad Fuck! All I did was take the car and stack while pissed shit! How am I supposed to learn If I don’t make mistakes Bastards Lesson Eight: Do not ever inject comedy, parody or humour in your work. No one will get it.

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