PsychotherapyHELP

Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D., MFCC

Sizzling Relationships & Ecstatic Marriages Program — NEW!
It is hard to believe that millions of people get married every single day and very few of them have ever learned the fundamentals of marriage. It is a common truth that you cannot master anything until you learn the basic fundamentals. Yet, in our culture, we do not provide an effective vehicle for coaching people on how to successfully navigate the mysterious waters of fulfilling marital relationships. We leave such matters to chance. What if I were to tell you that you could learn the basic fundamentals of marriage, guaranteeing that you will achieve the utmost of satisfaction from a relationship made in heaven? Would you believe me? I can hear the cynics saying, "Oh, Come on!" But, you can have the most ecstatic marital relationship just by following the basic fundamentals of my “Sizzling Relationships/ Ecstatic Marriages” Program. TIP OF THE DAY: TIME IS MONEY Sizzling relationships depend on extended TIME spent nurturing, caring and loving one another. Nobody wants to lose and accumulate losses. As in business, sports and other activities, marriage follows the same rule: Everybody Wants to Win. TIP #1: UNINTERRUPTED ATTENTION Sometimes it is very difficult to discover effective strategies for many areas of life. But, a weekly commitment to schedule in Uninterrupted Attention is a sure winner. Time is your # 1 asset and your marriage has to be your # 1 priority. Don't squeeze it in between your other activities! It is the centerfold around which all of your other activities must revolve. Your partner and your marriage must come first, otherwise you and your partner will deplete the Love Fund and kill the relationship. I tell you this, because it is easy and very common to turn a Love Fund into a Hate Fund. The Sizzling Relationships/Ecstatic Marriages Program takes the guesswork out of building and maintaining sizzling marriages by providing very powerful and specific guidelines. Remember, everybody wants to win and be a winner in their relationships!
“Schedule Uninterrupted Attention time on a weekly basis to build and maintain your sizzling relationship.” “Dr. Paul” Hannig

Inside this issue:
The Right One … The Right Time Luck and Intimacy Building Intimacy: Mutual Empathy Pg. 2 Pg. 2 Pg. 3

What You Will Learn in the Marriage Program
 Find It or Lose It! Learn the basics of
Uninterrupted Attention.

 Learn the Policy of Satisfying Mutual
Agreement.

 The 401K of your Relationship: learn
how to build the Love Fund.

 Learn how to eliminate fear and distrust
from your relationship.

When Empathy Fails: Pg. 3 Developing Communication Skills Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D. Personality Disorders and Relationships Pg. 4 Pg. 4

 2007 Communication: Practice and institute Constructive Communication.

 Learn the Principles of the Anger/Victim
Management Program.

 Turn It ON: Revitalize Romance and
Affection on a daily basis.

 Learn how to rebuild your relationship …
PLUS SO MUCH MORE!

Page 2

PsychotherapyHELP

Soul Mates: The Right One at the Right Time
Intimacy can be seen as a search followed by the successful acquisition of a prized, sought after object. Intimacy is a prize and a goal to be sought with diligence and passion. Over an individual's lifespan, there will be various attempts to establish some sort of intimacy with another human being. Some relationships will display a considerable amount of intimacy, but will not stand the test of time. Other relationships seem to have a long-term quality to them and the couple is able to achieve the ultimate goal of a permanent, one to one relationship with each other. The institution of marriage seems to be the one universal invention that human beings collectively use as the principal vehicle for establishing and maintaining the ideal intimate relationship. Finding “the right one” at the "right time," is a highly personal and individual matter. Even so, the quest for intimacy is fraught with the possibilities of experiencing incredible joy and happiness or conversely, Hell and depression. So, why do people seek out the actualization of intimacy? The answer lies in the fact that as advanced mammals, we have developed instinctual mechanisms for perpetuating our kind. The reward of intimacy is too compelling to be ignored. This does not rule out the existence of enormous variability exhibited by human beings, trying to establish a satisfying degree of human intimacy. Even though there are some common denominators concerning intimacy shared by most humans, each person achieves it or fails at it in a highly unique way. Whatever the outcome, intimacy can grow into greater love or greater hate. If you are one of the lucky ones, then you might have established a permanent love relationship early in your life. You may even have been lucky enough to have found the Love Of Your Life with much less effort than other people. Or, if you are like some people, you may have had to work hard at establishing an intimate relationship with someone that you think is the love of your life. If that happens, then you will have to pick up the pieces of disillusionment and proceed with your search. In other words, just when you think you have found the right one, life can take a peculiar twist and you may find
“The reward of intimacy is too compelling to be ignored.”

yourself being the target of failure and rejection. What may seem to be the end of your search for the love of your life, may just have been another step along the way. Then again, some of you may have never completed the task of finding the right one and establishing permanent intimacy. Fear not! Life can still provide enormous gratification with the fulfillment of love. But for those lucky others who have achieved finding the love of their lives, then the journey is exceptionally beautiful. These are the lucky ones! Familiarity has produced bliss.

Luck and Intimacy
There are those individuals who never seem to struggle to establish a satisfying, close, trouble-free intimate relationship. Are these people lucky and does luck have anything to do with canceling any prospect of establishing achieving intimacy? some degree of true intimacy. I would suggest that luck does play It goes without saying that the ina part in the acquisition of intimacy. fluences of the past and the harboring There are some people who cannot help of primal pain has a considerable effect but put up a lot of unconscious barriers on a person’s capacity to establish proand defenses against intimacy. Perhaps ductive, intimate relationships. Logithe prospect of achieving intimacy cally speaking, the eradication of that arouses fear in some individuals and primal pain within the structure of therunconsciously, they cannot help but put apy should erase the impediments to their stuff in somebody's face, thus intimacy. The eradication of primal pain and the knowledge gained from the proper interpretation of experience are two of the key ingredients for conquering the barriers to intimacy. Early infancy and childhood experiences are key learning experiences for acquiring the necessary skills for developing later intimate relationships. The phenomenon of learning through current experiences is also extremely important for establishing peak human relationships. Add a little luck, and who knows what can happen!

Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D.  PsychotherapyHELP  818-882-7404  phannigphd@socal.rr.com  www.psychotherapyhelp.com

PsychotherapyHELP

Page 3

Building Intimacy: Mutual Empathy
A wonderful tool to deepen intimacy in your relationship is mutual empathy. Mutual empathy occurs in those relationships and marriages where both partners recognize and commit themselves to fulfilling one another's needs. Constructive conversations are the norm and each person fully understands and empathizes with the other person's feelings and needs. Nothing is left to guesswork. There are no unilateral decisions that are made without the full knowledge and consent of the partner. Everything is open for discussion and both partners are committed to understanding and fulfilling one another's emotional needs. Decisions are postponed until there is gratifying mutual consent. This forces the couple to brainstorm conversations that seek innovative solutions. In this stage, listening and expressive skills are functioning optimally. One does not go against the wishes and the emotional needs of the other. Partners are committed to making each other fully happy. They adhere to the rule: "Your happiness and your welfare are my greatest concerns." No one attempts to make themselves happy and fulfilled at the expense of the other. There is a constant monitoring of the other person's needs and wishes. Mutual empathy implies that both people are fully committed to understanding the other person's feelings and needs. As stated before, satisfying mutual consent is the main policy for people who have attained mutual empathy in their relationships. The benefits of mutual empathy and satisfying mutual consent?… better communication, genuine caring and concern, deeper levels of trust, and broader base of intimacy for the relationship to continue growing.

When Empathy Fails: Developing Communication Skills
Certain communication styles build intimacy. Other types of communication can create withdrawals of love. What you say and how you say it, has a profound effect on whether you build or deplete your partner's Love Reservoir. In fact, inattention to communication can lead to such grave interpersonal snafus, that divorce seems to be the only answer. Poor communication skills eventually lead to relationship failure, unless you discover what works and what does not work. out your faulty communication style. Are you getting the point here? Actually, it does not matter who is right or wrong. It's what works that counts! So, if you wish to build a hot relationship, you may have to seriously examine your own and your partner's communication skills and tools. speech should be avoided at all costs. These last categories of conversational methods are ineffective. In fact, they will deplete the Love Fund and turn it into a Hate account. Developing clear and empathic communication skills will prevent that from happening.

Good communication skills can At times, nonverbal communication change this is more important than the actual content of the message. You will have to pay strict attention to the content and volume of speech. The content, itself, So, what is the answer? The answer conveys information, creates emotional lies in you and your partner's ability to reactions and cognitive activities that analyze your communication skills and contribute or detract from the conversatools. Every relationship has its own tion. For example, a person may convey unique communication system and a content message that feels hostile. So, needs to be examined as such. Each what is being conveyed? It's usually the person in a relationship has communica- hostility and perhaps the real message To this! tion quirks, snafus, strengths and weak- may get lost. nesses. The problem with examining a Pessimism, arrogance, selfrelationship communication system is centeredness, humorlessness, gloom, that individuals experience their own anxious, preachiness, distrustful, hostile communication skills as being funcand angry intonations don't work if you tional. After all, I know exactly what I are trying to build a powerful Love acam saying and what I mean by what I count. Blaming, finger-pointing, accussay. It's you that is confusing the issue. ing, labeling, categorizing, lying, excesTherefore, I need to enter into a state of sively rapid or labored speech, mumconflict with you, in order to straighten bling, bragging, selling and circuitous
Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D.  PsychotherapyHELP  818-882-7404  phannigphd@socal.rr.com  www.psychotherapyhelp.com

Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D., MFCC
The Man behind the Sizzling Relationships/Ecstatic Marriages Program
“Dr. Paul” is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in California. Dr. Hannig has specialized in (but not limited to) mood, anxiety and personality disorders, depression, phobias, relationship conflict, psychosis, spiritual psychotherapy, deep feeling therapy, and core identity work. His therapy model is experiential, psychoanalytical, and integrative, combining an individual, interactional and multi-generational approach to treatment. In addition to private practice, he has made his expertise available to people nationwide via his Telephone Therapy Program. PsychotherapyHELP 10170-4 Larwin Avenue Chatsworth, CA 91311
Phone: 818-882-7404 Email: phannigphd@socal.rr.com URL: www.nvo.com/psych_help

Over the years, beginning with his education at Temple University and his early days as supervisor and trainer at Philadelphia State Hospital, Dr. Hannig has developed many insights as to how early emotional pain and trauma is linked to the formation of severe personality, mood and anxiety disorders. His professional writing credits include the "Journal of Counseling and Development", "Aesthema Journal" and the "IPA Newsletter" by the International Primal Association, "Hypnosis Quarterly", The Miami Herald (Florida newspaper), The Daily News (Los Angeles newspaper), Warner Center Newspaper, Valley Parent Magazine, "The California Therapist Magazine" by the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and the Institute's newsletter. Internationally, his articles have appeared in the European magazine "Kindheit". New articles and therapy information can be found at his website, “PsychotherapyHELP, at www.nvo.com/psych_help.

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Personality Disorders and Relationships
Personality disorders are pervasive, highly entrenched, persistent and resistant to change. It does not matter what kind of personality disorder an individual possesses, be it borderline, schizoid, narcissistic, obsessive compulsive, avoidant, dependent, inhibited, etc., the disorders are disruptive and corrosive to interpersonal relationships and the pursuit of one's happiness. Projection and repression are common, difficult defense mechanisms of the personality disordered. Consequently, any one who has to live with a person possessing a disordered personality can attest to how difficult it is to get beyond that person's defenses, unreal facades and ascriptions of malevolent intent onto intimate love objects. A personality disorder is a hidden disorder. The person may appear to be quite calm, rational and even functional to the average observer. The personality disorder does not become evident until one becomes more intimately involved. As repressed childhood damage begins to seep into intimate relationships, the transference and counter-transference phenomena becomes disturbingly evident. For an intense personality disturbance to be formed, the victim has had to suffer some form of early deprivation, neglect and abandonment from both father and mother. It's the combination and intensity of both parents’ disturbances that create the transference/counter-transference reaction in the personality disordered individual, as though the sins of the parents are visited upon their children. In essence, the personality disordered individual is programmed and scripted to eventually activate earlier disturbances within adult relationships. Relationships are destroyed by personality disorders. These people can't maintain and sustain "in love" relationships. Eventually, they are compelled to act out emotional withdrawal and disintegration of their adult bonding processes. Personality Disordered individuals create disturbances and activate early deprivation experiences in their partners which eventually threatens to destroy the relationship. They do not have an stable, on-going sense of a real self but are dominated by their defenses and their unreal self. Ultimately, the hope for the personality disordered individual lies in the re-experiencing, full feeling and integration of emotional pain so that one can become real enough to live a clear, centered and productive life. If the dynamics of your relationship has reached toxic and damaging levels, please don’t hesitate to seek therapeutic help.

Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D.  PsychotherapyHELP  818-882-7404  phannigphd@socal.rr.com  www.psychotherapyhelp.com