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THE WUNDELSTEIPEN

(And Other Difficult Roles for Young People)
__________________________

by Nick Jones

1. Welcome, Parents................(1 F)
2. Everybaby...........................(5 F, 3 F)
3. The Wundelsteipen..............(3 M, 1 F)
4. College Romance.................(2 M, 1 F)
5. Caligula in the Morning.......(2 M)
6. Super Supportive Family.....(2 M, 1 F)
7. Salome.................................(5 M, 3 F)

Welcome, Parents
A DRAMA TEACHER enters to welcome the
audience.
DRAMA TEACHER
Well hello parents. This is it. The big night. The moment you’ve been waiting for. It always
comes too soon. We always feel like we need more time. But there is no more time. So here
we are: timeless. Not timeless like I think this going to be so great. I mean, it might be,
but...well, hey, it’s been an amazing three weeks. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know your
kids and I think, no matter what happens, I can honestly we’ve all had a good time. And
that, really, is what’s most important, right? I mean, it’s not my happiness that’s important,
it’s theirs. If it were my happiness by which we measured the success of...well listen,
success is a state of mind. So is happiness. And talent. Your children are very talented.
That’s the attitude I decided to take at the beginning of this journey, and I’m sticking to it..
I’ve really enjoyed working with your kids. I don’t know what they think of me. I don’t
know what they think, period. I don’t know what they feel. If they feel. It’s like when I
look into the eyes of my cat. Is he happy? Is he depressed? Is he trustworthy? I just don’t
know. But I do trust him. More than some of your children. I’m just kidding. But am I?
Alright maybe we haven’t had the greatest time together, but we learned things. That’s
what important. If sometimes it’s hard to know what makes you truly happy, it’s much
easier to know what doesn’t. What makes you miserable, and is something you should
never do again. Like try to teach theater to kids. No just kidding. It’s just...what I mean
is...listen. it’s like... I saw his video of an elephant. I like to watch videos of cute animals to
unwind after a long day of working with your children. Sometimes you just need to see a
video of something cute. Something cute, something pure. I know, elephants are not the
cutest, but its’s like a gateway drug, you know...cat, possum, anyhow I saw this video of
an elephant. It’s giving birth. To a baby. Elephant. And when the baby elephant is dropped,
it just falls, 6 feet, onto a hard concrete floor. And then the mommy elephant just starts
kicking it. And you see this and you’re like what? But the thing is, there is a reason. She
has to do that, to dislodge the liquid from its lungs. And then the elephant stands up. You
see, some children are like that. They just need to be kicked. Not that I ever kicked any of
your children. Unless by kick you mean affirm and bolster their self esteem. If that is what
you mean, then I will tell you, I am only sorry I couldn’t have kicked a few of them harder.
Okay, look, I know you have spent a lot of money putting your kids into this program. I
encourage you, for the time being, not to think about that.

On with the show. and this show. I have no idea what you’re about to see. But that’s not my fault.it is what it is.2. . Okay.. and that’s just not enough.... then when? And really. You didn’t become a star. So. But I’m sure most of you understand there are times when you may try as hard as humanly possible. like a jester. And part of theater is expressing that. But come on! Let’s just be realistic for a second. Or at least look like you’re enjoying it. And they are not exactly the sweetest bunch of. I mean. but I think it would be nice if they got a little.Now I understand. Your children have been very difficult to work with. And then maybe you can enjoy this. So let’s just put on a brave face. and put on your fun hats. but you know..Look. I encourage you to take off your judgment hats for a little while. What’s a fun hat? Like a hat with bells on it. I don’t know. I hope you’re excited. I have told them not to expect tremendous applause. you want your children to succeed.. we’ve all worked very hard. What would that look like? Try to imagine what that hat would look like and then put it on. Or a forgiveness hat. I’m not a wizard. like you.. I can’t work miracles. Hopefully this will be a painless experience. If not now. you know. for the children’s sake.life is full of pain. shall we? A brave face and a fun hat. they have done the very best they could with the roles assigned them.. Your children will most likely never become stars either. Like me.

445.109 .com Representation: Mark Subias SUBIAS Agency mark@marksubias. #3R Brooklyn.Everybaby by Nick Jones Nick Jones 12th St.com 212. NY 11215 thewhizbang@gmail.

The babies of earth are proud and materialistic. for babies. playing merry music. EVERYBABY Hello. SIDS It is true. GOD Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. One of their number introduces the play. I am very stern. I have noticed this. Go to him and tell him it is time for Judgment. shallow life. . I work closely with God. I am John Everybaby. I look down on earth and see all and judge all. SIDS I am Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. GOD That is no excuse. A medieval morality play. This is EVERYBABY. I must make an example of this baby. See how he fails to worship me. GOD I am God. And there. I play with toys. But they are just babies. he did it again. John Everybaby.Characters (May be played by 4-5 actors) Everybaby God Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Cuteness Kindred Cousin Good Deeds Penance An actor playing an infant child plays with his toys. ACTOR Everybaby. See this one. I am displeased. I live a carefree. An ensemble enters with medieval type instruments.

Give me your hand and I will put it in my mouth. but take it and tremble. EVERYBABY What? And but for why? SIDS But for to be measured and weighed. But if wicked. SIDS Yea God. you shall burn in baby hell. And yet I feel no shame. good. EVERYBABY EVERYBABY For then how will I prove myself before God? . EVERYBABY Ah look. If your soul is worthy. SIDS Teeth not on this hand. Everybaby.2. I will. EVERYBABY What is this? You are an adult. I am Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I am just an innocent baby. EVERYBABY Oh. Hope you that God find you likable. you shall enter heaven. SIDS Believe you this? No man nor baby is innocent. I have come to take you to God. SIDS goes to Everybaby. I have soiled myself. Your time of reckoning has come. SIDS Hell is bad. EVERYBABY Oh. SIDS Fie. EVERYBABY I feel muchly he will find me thus. SIDS No. but born freighted with Original Sin.

there is my friend Cuteness. why do you hide? CUTENESS (adorable baby voice) Ooby dooby. you must bring witnesses to speak on your account. will you not? Cuteness. She will qualify me before God. Cuteness. Will you pway hide and seek with me? EVERYBABY Would that I could. to speak to God on my behalf? CUTENESS Ooby. Come to heaven and let judgment be swift. See here. do not desert me. She acts adorable. Cuteness enters but hides shyly. SIDS It seems Cuteness is no true friend. you will not abandon me in my hour of need. dooby. EVERYBABY Wait. EVERYBABY Cuteness. Everybaby. CUTENESS (exiting) I wuv you. EVERYBABY So it shall be done. . is cooing or babbling. you will stand by me. Will you come with me there. EVERYBABY If you love me. doo! EVERYBABY Cuteness? CUTENESS I go bye-bye now. SIDS To prove to God your goodness. but I am going hence to hide in the place from whence none shall seek me: the valley of death.3. Come with me now.

when I wanted that same toy you would not give it. They approach KINDRED and COUSIN. EVERYBABY No! Let judgment be drawn out! There is Kindred and Cousin. we have played together well. And I see now Kindred and Cousin are covetous and easily distracted. Smiling and rocking. EVERYBABY Thank you. Oh. So I will not speak for you. KINDRED AND COUSIN (rocking) Smiling and rocking. And rock back and forth. KINDRED Ah sweet Everybaby. EVERYBABY Ah no. is there no one else who will not abandon me? . Smiling. Kindred. But I will take your toys when you are dead. KINDRED Smiling. Kindred! Cousin! We have had many excellent play dates. Smiling and playing. to play. You did once take a toy of mine and covet it as thine own.4. Cousin. I cannot say it is without blemish. COUSIN Oh to see you smile makes me smile. KINDRED Or you may give them to me. They will speak for me. KINDRED But to your character. for I am to die. and to me. I have been impressed with your ability to stack blocks. I have no time for smiling and rocking. COUSIN Come now Everybaby won’t you smile with us. COUSIN Yes. of my character. COUSIN And I your ability to fit plastic pieces into holes of corresponding shapes. Just thinking about it is making me smile. Will you speak to God for me. Alack.

who is that hunched and hobbled baby? SIDS Ah but that is Good Deeds. EVERYBABY This must be what shame feels like. EVERYBABY Not believe in you? But you must jest. GOOD DEEDS enters. SIDS Come. with a miniature cane. Will you come with me on my journey to death. Everybaby. Everybaby. . Ah dreck. It is Time. EVERYBABY What now is this? Forsooth. There are none who shall speak for you. I have grown too weak without anyone to believe in me. He crawls. Good Deeds. it is I. to have squandered my six weeks on this earth. He will speak for me. Recall you I helped clean the play room once? GOOD DEEDS Recall me you immediately wrecked it again. EVERYBABY Rejoice! GOOD DEEDS Would that I were strong enough for the journey. Few are those who play with him. Everybaby. Everybaby. Good Deeds. Do you remember me? GOOD DEEDS Who? Ah yes. and speak on my behalf? GOOD DEEDS Surely I would. EVERYBABY Oh yes.5. I remember you. a baby who hobbled like an old man. what folly is Baby! How foolish I have been. EVERYBABY Then you know me a friend.

I will learn to feel shame. And you know that I am just a baby. or I shall uncontrollably cry. He sees the crib.6. It is time to go to bed. I will change my life. EVERYBABY But I’m not tired!!! PENANCE appears as Everybaby bursts into tears. SIDS Cry as you may. I know not what I have done. and walk no place un-beside you. PENANCE Wait! . EVERYBABY Lord. SIDS SIDS. I will learn to speak and give every word to praising you. It is He to whom you must Grovel. Sudden Infant Syndrome. EVERYBABY But you know me as well as any. Lord God. This is God’s Will. EVERYBABY Wait. SIDS I? Nay thank you. EVERYBABY SIDS. Please kindly SIDS. it matters not. Everybaby begs mercy of God as SIDS goes to take out the Celestial Crib by which he may be delivered to heaven. I will learn to walk. do not take me. I will learn to sit still. please forgive me. you may speak for me. But do not condemn me to die. EVERYBABY What is that? SIDS This is the Celestial Crib in which I will take you to meet your maker.

it is time to go. . SIDS Everybaby. Everybaby.7. I fear muchly. Spank me harder. and spank those who seek redemption. to spank the wicked. Now I am strong enough to accompany you on your journey. Voluntarily letting yourself be spanked. GOOD DEEDS Wait. EVERYBABY Oh do spank me. Everybaby lies over Penance’s knee and is justly spanked. I fear less with a friend by my side. Spank the fear from my heart. SIDS My smoke is nothing compared to the fires of hell. PENANCE Will you smoke in this place of babies? SIDS I will if I must wait for you to spank this one. SIDS What now is this and who be you? PENANCE My name is Penance. for I have wasted my life. EVERYBABY Thank you. And will you come too. since I am Good Deeds. PENANCE I will do this. I must remain on earth. I come to all those who summon me. EVERYBABY Oh now I fear. Penance? PENANCE Nay. PENANCE You know well that smoking is forbidden in this place. This is a good deed you have done. And a gift unto me. Penance. SIDS lights up a cigarette.

PENANCE (exiting) And how richly a lesson this is. and I am fearful. Now that we all understand death. for the babies left living. (helps him up) Uppsy wuppsy to the place of eternal slumber. GOOD DEEDS He only meant that this is an allegory. old one. EVERYBABY Now together we lie. SIDS. GOOD DEEDS I need not your help. for I know this crib well. Good Deeds crawls in by himself. Come into my arms I will help you into the Celestial Crib. Everybaby. EVERYBABY You have been to the valley of death before? . EVERYBABY Oh. let you die.” See? EVERYBABY Now that you have explained it. That my name “Good Deeds” symbolizes “Good Deeds. Everybaby and Good Deeds climb together into a crib. SIDS So you do.8. SIDS Good.” So when we say “in the end only Good Deeds will go with you” we also mean “only Good Deeds will go with you. yea. that in the end only Good Deeds will go with you. EVERYBABY What did he say? I couldn’t hear him. I will not desert you. GOOD DEEDS Hold tightly to me.

Or who set themselves on fire in protest for naptime. Sids begins to smother Everybaby with a pillow. And many babies have I seen go there. for your Final Nap. Or left in pumpkins. Or who are mistaken for horses and made into paste. Everybaby. I am muchly tired of God’s wrathful vision. Or spontaneously exploded. Or who are born on the highest point during a lightning storm. SIDS Everybaby. GOOD DEEDS Many times. when ye least expect it. as I once did. GOOD DEEDS Be it so. . Or lost in space. Stay close to me. Or spontaneously imploded. Or who take their own lives. Or who are given winning lottery tickets which they then choke on. You are to be put down now. Babies that die for no reason. and we will bust out all the dead babies of heaven. GOOD DEEDS (quietly. EVERYBABY Good Deeds. Or who try to make friends with polar bears. and are as ghosts. or have been left on trains. SIDS. Or who never truly die. Or are eaten by witches. Or attacked by sea monsters. is there something stowed beneath this blanket? GOOD DEEDS Indeed. or dropped off the top of the Eiffel Tower. Or who catch colds. Now it is His turn to be judged. He condemns for messes he Himself hath wraught. EVERYBABY And all of these are sinful? GOOD DEEDS Would that I could believe this. Or have fallen into quicksand. in the middle of the night. Or who wander onto bowling lanes. you are not what your name seems to symbolize. secreted here by my contact Intrique. but never truly live. EVERYBABY Good Deeds. while cocking a gun) Though may we rise again. GOOD DEEDS Oh but I am.9. it is explosives. the Time has come. The ensemble returns to play a musical farewell. We are ready.

I’m coming to you And I hope you’ll be my friend Oh Good Lord.10. show me mercy and I’ll give my toys to thee Lift me up to Play now with Eternity Oh Good Lord. ENSEMBLE Oh Good Lord. . my face is messy My sippy cup is spilled But good Lord I’m just a Baby And for you I will sit still Good Lord I’m just a Baby But you killed me in the night Good Lord I’m just a Baby Floating in a silver light Floating in a silver light Floating in a silver light End of play. Keep me Upright On my Stomach I will die Good Lord I lost my balloon It’s floating to the sky Oh Great Lord. my face is messy My sippy cup is spilled But good Lord I’m just a Baby And for you I will sit still Good Lord I’m just a Baby But you killed me in the night Good Lord I’m just a Baby Floating in a silver light Do babies go to heaven Why would they go to hell Twenty babies in the moonlight Sacrificing a gazelle Those Pagan heathen babies I never played with them Good Lord.

The Wundelsteipen __________________________ by Nick Jones .

DERRICK It would be nice to talk. It isn’t like we’re roughing it or something. under a starry sky. DERRICK I really wish you would’ve left that. MATT Derrick. and are lying outside in their sleeping bags. DERRICK Yeah well. DERRICK Are you watching porn? MATT Yeah. I just feel like it defeats the purpose. . MATT Alright. still. They have pitched a tent in their backyard. and is watching porn. fine. MATT Why? DERRICK I don’t know. It’s so clear out tonight. It’d be nice to hear the birds and things. Derrick is 13. it’s just like a movie or something. Matt has brought his laptop. MATT I can use the headphones. we’re in the backyard. MATT Yeah I know.MATT and DERRICK are 2 brothers. DERRICK God this is beautiful. I still got the wireless signal from the house. Matt is 12.

I mean. DERRICK Well. And if the girl was willing to do that. MATT So. MATT Okay. What do you want to talk about? DERRICK I don’t know. when we get older and once that starts happening for us. would you tag team a girl with me? DERRICK What girl? MATT Doesn’t matter. MATT It would mean a lot. Let’s just look at the stars. DERRICK What? MATT What do you feel about tag teaming? DERRICK You mean. in sex? MATT Yeah. Hey Derrick.2. I’d really like to do it with you. DERRICK I guess it depends on the situation. . They lie on their backs and stare at the stars. like. He closes the laptop.

MATT You wouldn’t want to do it the first time? DERRICK That seems like…. it would mean a lot if you were there.No. You know. like. you know. (he sighs) Life is so complicated. backing me up. MATT I’d think any girl would be into that. They stare at the stars. . but yeah. You’ve got to ask them first. Remember when we were like 6 and we used to have those like. DERRICK It’s not that complicated. MATT Hey. DERRICK Yeah. DERRICK Well yeah but. Actually. when I lose my virginity. MATT I wouldn’t mind if it was my first time. . . I don’t think I should. MATT You used to accuse me of not concentrating hard enough. . I know.3. MATT So you’ll do it? DERRICK Yeah. DERRICK I don’t know. Maybe not the first time. When we could just get together and. . wish for stuff. MATT Yeah yeah. two brothers. wishing sessions. Well I mean….

MATT I don’t think it’s stupid. when you’re thirteen? DERRICK I’m just saying. But man. Oh look! A shooting star streaks by. you’re 12. I told you. DERRICK Matt. I can concentrate better.4. MATT What? DERRICK Really? MATT Why not? DERRICK You just finished talking like you’re all grown up. I can concentrate a lot better now. . What if wishing is like a skill. Let’s make a wish. . DERRICK Oh come on. MATT I know. DERRICK Yeah well you weren’t. we were both such kids then. . MATT Wow. Is that what’s it like. and we’re better at it now. and now you want to wish upon a star. it seems a little stupid. MATT I know. . Derrick. . . MATT Well just because I’m older doesn’t mean my heart is dead. . DERRICK Oh.

During reading session in class the other day I didn’t even excuse to go to the bathroom once. They close their eyes and wish.5. Wish with me. The sound of porn is soon heard. After a few moments. . . You coming? DERRICK No. because I was reading the whole time. You’ll thank me if it comes true. DERRICK Alright. . Matt zips up the tent. Just fuck non-stop. I mean when I get my chance. but I want to stay out here a little longer. Well yeah. . DERRICK Okay. you know. Matt turns and heads in to the tent. Come on. . A beat. MATT Okay. MATT It’s going to happen soon. Forever. yeah. DERRICK You’re just . man. I’m pretty tired. I’m just going to just fuck. well goodnight then. DERRICK And if it doesn’t? MATT Then… you’ve wasted two seconds of your precious time. Thought I’d just turn in. And when it does. taking his laptop with him DERRICK Where are you going? MATT Well.

Now those same stuffed animals had been ripped open at the crotch and had become sexual slaves. Sure. A fairy appears. DERRICK Why? FAIRY Why? Derrick. Just a few years before. DERRICK Who-FAIRY You should wake Matt. Don’t tell me you’ve never seen a Wundelsteipen before? DERRICK A what? . But magic was not yet dead to us. we still believed in Santa Claus. who still have the courage to believe. Derrick addresses the audience DERRICK Matt was 12 and I was 13 and a half. Or at least I did. we would learn of the magic reserved for adults. FAIRY Hello Derrick. Now we came in the toilet while hunched over the Victoria’s Secret Holiday Catalog. Only 2 years before. DERRICK Matt? MATT Yeah? DERRICK Can you use the headphones? MATT Oh.6. And on this night. we were playing with stuffed animals. The sound ceases.

You’re very good at it. it is the source of our power. DERRICK What do you want? FAIRY I’ve come to take a mighty load off your back. We need boys to come on our faces in order to live. at the same time. we Wundelsteipen have been around for thousands of years. MATT Who does? FAIRY I will only have sex with you if you come on my face. Together. there is no come. For those willing to make the bargain. I heard you and your brother wishing. He starts to unbutton his pants. I’m come to take your virginity. A beat MATT Okay. FAIRY A Wundelsteipen. DERRICK What? FAIRY Yes. That is why I need you to help me. You and Matt. A sex fairy. MATT (emerging from the tent) What’s going on? DERRICK She says if we have sex with her we can come on her face. where we come from. And all you must do in return is pull out before you come and come on my face. You see. Great. The trolls killed off our fairy men long ago. I’m sure you’re good at many things. . we trade sex for coming on our faces. That is the bargain.7. If I do not find someone to come on my face soon I fear I must die. and they will not come on our faces because they are mean and cruel. And woe unto he who breaks his bargain with a Wundelsteipen. Derrick.

MATT Why. FAIRY Matt? Derrick? MATT Yes? . you want to wait for an occasion more special? Than a fairy coming down from heaven and asking us to come on her face? This is magical. MATT Then what’s that? Look Derrick. just because Santa Claus turned out not to be real. MATT Why not? I’m ready. Matt. This is sex. real sex---just like on the internet. Literally magical. doesn’t mean nothing else is.8. MATT What? DERRICK It. drop of the hat. DERRICK But what about mom and dad? MATT What about them. We’ve having sex with that fairy. except there’s no such thing as fairies. DERRICK Wait. DERRICK Yeah. man. We’re not having sex with them. Derrick. (pulls him aside) MATT What? Don’t you want to? DERRICK We can’t just do it like this. Wait. DERRICK The first time? You want to do it like this.

fuck her. I have wishes to grant across town in juvie hall. She told us to FAIRY Fuck me. Matt goes inside the tent. FAIRY I don’t have all night. DERRICK We climbed into the tent. . MATT Let’s do it. I hoped. I remember feeling extremely distracted by the sight of my brother’s erect penis. I was the first to be pleasured and felt this was right. and the fairy wasted no time. The whole experience started to get kind of stressful. the fairy began to moan and thrash. A light is turned on. just by looking at our penises. and average. which made me begin to wonder if we weren’t doing something wrong. I being the oldest. and soon a stream of obscenities came flowing out of her. I wondered if anyone could tell we were brothers. (Tableau changes) As oral sex gave way to the certifiable real sex of penetration. Small. FUCK ME GODDAMIT! DERRICK Fuck her. and shadows suggest the action which Derrick narrates. We were the same size. fuck me.9. by porn standards. followed by the fairy. FUCK HER GODDAMIT! DERRICK We explained that we were… MATT We are! DERRICK We were! MATT Aren’t we? DERRICK But she just kept saying it. Would you like me to come back later? DERRICK No. We’re ready. by the standards of the real world.

DERRICK What? No. And then everything will be covered in pee. Come on now. I can’t do this. While Matt hesitates. give me your fingers. (Pause) Don’t you want me to have an orgasm? MATT I want you to have an orgasm. FAIRY Why not? DERRICK I don’t know. MATT Derrick… DERRICK What? It’s what she wants. Good. stop. Derrick hits her. FAIRY Hit me again. FAIRY Hit me. harder He hits her again. Matt. I can’t. . FAIRY Then hit me. MATT No. I can’t cum unless you hit me. MATT What? FAIRY Hit me.10. Now pee on me. FAIRY Oh it’s all about you isn’t it? At least stick your fingers up my ass. I don’t want to.

. DERRICK Yeah I know but . DERRICK I see. . I’m so horny. . . Just wait a second. I thought so too. DERRICK What’s wrong man? MATT There’s no such thing as fairies. I’m touching myself. okay?! Just hold on. MATT I know. MATT I’m sorry. DERRICK What? What are you talking about? MATT Fairies are magical. Matt is clutching his knees on the lawn. He scrambles out of the tent. I thought you wanted that. I’m touching myself. FAIRY What are you doing? Where is he going? DERRICK I don’t know. okay? He follows him out. There’s no magic in there. . She’s just…nasty.11. FAIRY Look! DERRICK I see you. FAIRY You better hurry up. Look at me. Matt.

where he spies the Wundelsteipen. Their DAD enters. while the boys scramble to cover themselves. DAD Is there someone in there? Dad peers into the tent. DAD Matt. You! FAIRY Hello Brad. FAIRY Matt! Derrick! You come in here and finish what you started! DERRICK I don’t want to. MATT But I’m not into this. MATT I don’t either. FAIRY We had a deal! You will come on my face. DAD Oh my god. FAIRY It’s too late! We have a deal! DAD (offstage) Matt! Derrick! What’s going on? The fairy hides inside the tent. . Or I’ll come back here with trolls. who hisses.12. He sees movement in the tent. MATT Oh shit. what’s going on out here? What happened? Where are your clothes? They don’t respond. I want to wait for marriage.

More innocent times. who’s human. We never would have wished for it if we knew. This fairy has been having sex for thousands of years. . But your father’s never conceived of the things you wished for. did you . I’m a year older than you. It makes a difference. DERRICK I’m sorry. You have to go in stages. FAIRY Enough talk. . Their virginities are mine! DAD No… FAIRY I gave them just what they wished for. Sex with her is too advanced. Your first time shouldn’t be like this. And you’re so young. We didn’t think it would be like this. Brad. You can’t start the car in fifth gear. Brad. DAD Well I thought they’d teach you at school.? FAIRY It’s too late.13. . It should be with someone your own age. It must have been you! DERRICK I’m sorry. DAD Boys. then… MATT But I never thought of doing those things. Give me what I have earned. Just like I gave it to you. dad. DAD What did you promise her? FAIRY They promised to come on my face. DAD Goddamit boys how could you be so stupid?? Don’t you know about sex fairies? DERRICK No! You ever told us about them.

DAD I don’t believe in magic anymore.. at most! FAIRY I. I’m going to come all over your goddamn whore fairy face. FAIRY No. FAIRY That is how I want it! DAD I’ll do it politely then! He pushes her into the tent. That was the deal.14... They should be tongue kissing. But not the way you want it---in an insulting way.. It’s not what I want. DAD The rules of what? FAIRY Of magic. You stole that from me. .. I want the come of the innocent! DAD Not this time.COME! DAD Well then take mine! Boys.want.. But I’ve had lots of time to practice with your mother. remember? He starts to take off his clothes. They're just children. DAD Don’t worry boys. DAD Oh god. FAIRY No! It must be your sons. But I’ll give you your goddamn come. go in the house. Wundelsteipen. Those are the rules. You can't ask that of them. I know how to handle a Wunstelsteipen. DERRICK Dad be careful. They shouldn't be thinking about things like that. Maybe I didn’t once.

DAD Boys. And never speak of this. Do you understand me? MATT Yes. and eventually. took up our debt. in a threesome. but with girlfriends. one on one. I’ll be ready. when we mustered the courage to have sex again. Lights fade. to anyone. . DERRICK Okay. go in the house. dad. ever. The next time. and I wonder if someday she won’t return to take what is rightfully hers. I think about the Wundelsteipen. But some starry nights. gently. missionary style. and saved us from the uncomfortable sexual experience we thought we wanted but actually just weirded us out. DERRICK (to audience) And so he did it. conservatively.15. it wasn’t together. Matt and I never spoke of the Wundelsteipen. Tell your mother I went to the store to get some milk or some other plausible excuse.

College Romance by Nick Jones .

Dude. HAL Shhh. Jeff looks incredulous. dude.. You’re going to wake my roommate. shh shh. Night. They make out for a while before noticing Jeff. bro. JEFF Uh. my roommate’s sleeping. JEFF. BEX Why are there so many stairs? You should live somewhere closer to the ground. oh. . She runs to use the bathroom. dude? HAL Over there.. When Hal finally gets the door open they practically fall into the apartment. I don’t want to wake your roommate. They begin kissing against the door. BEX Oh dude. doing homework and drinking beer. bro? HAL (startled) Whoa. shit. is sitting at a desk. I need to pee sooo bad.Institutional looking dorm room. The sound of BEX and HAL can be heard stumbling to the front door. early 20s. BEX Oh. shhh. dude. You scared me. BEX Mmmmmm. They are very drunk. Where’s the bathroom. HAL Shhh.. HAL Shh. JEFF Can I help you.

really. .2. Hey. bro? JEFF You don’t recognize me? HAL Are you a friend of Jeff’s? JEFF Who’s Jeff. dude. bro. JEFF . Ah bro. bro.. bro? HAL Uh.. bro? HAL What. HAL No.. my roommate. dude? HAL Yeah. JEFF Bro. Baby. anyway. bro. I’m sorry. we gotta split. you’re in the wrong room.. dude? Who are you. HAL Dude. Baby? He pounds on the door. dude? JEFF What. bro.. What? JEFF Bro. JEFF Yeah.. HAL Dude.

dude. I think. I guess I shouldn’t drink so much. Naw. Yeah. you’re the dude with face blindness. I’m sorry. I don’t know.3. HAL Yo. (to Jeff) I’m mad sorry about this. dude. you’re the dude with face blindness. I guess. . and all the people too. I don’t got no face blindness. JEFF No. bro. well. JEFF You’re on the floor above me. bro. JEFF Alright. totally fucked up. Dude. bro. it’s not that. all these all these floors. bro. You’re that dude. I just drink a lot. HAL I did? JEFF Bro. like. right? JEFF Yeah. HAL Yeah. I’m. HAL Aw. aren’t you? HAL What dude? JEFF Dude. HAL Oh yeah? How do you know? JEFF Because you’ve done this before. JEFF No. bro. bro. totally look the same. HAL Aw man. like.

JEFF Dude. HAL Sorry. HAL What? . I just wanted to stop by my man’s room to see if he had some weed before we rally. man. BEX Just give me one minute. bro. HAL Alright there’s beer in my room. HAL Aw. I’m sorry. oh shit. He opens the door and finds her hunched over the toilet. JEFF Yo. No. bro. I must have ate something retarded. I’m fine. what are you doing? We gotta go. HAL Alright let’s get back to my room. bro. Not cool. They start to exit.4. HAL Sorry. I’m fine though. I just need another beer. wait up. bro. BEX But aren’t we already in your room? HAL Naw. if I smoke I’ll puke. Hal helps her up. BEX Weed. HAL (knocking on bathroom door) Hey baby. bro. BEX Usually I can drink like a shitbird. dude. I guess my girl ate something retarded.

BEX (getting sick) Bro. Jeff. She runs into the bathroom and closes the door behind her. Your roommate. HAL Aw. JEFF Dude. HAL Why. who’s the chick? . JEFF Dude. bro. JEFF Sorry bro. What I supposed to do. I’ve never known anyone with face blindness. Oh god. not fuck with you? HAL If you weren’t an asshole. bro. HAL You’re an asshole. bro.5. HAL What? BEX Who is that? JEFF It’s me. bro. bro? JEFF Cuz this is your room. don’t go. bro. bro. don’t go. Oh. I was just fucking with you. JEFF So Hal. JEFF I was just fucking with you... JEFF But I am.

bro. HAL Only the ones in uniform. HAL What the fuck are you talking about. bro. JEFF Dude. bro. JEFF Dude. bro. JEFF You ask statues for directions. bro. HAL That’s Bex. bro. HAL No.. JEFF You mistake furniture for people. HAL Don’t fuck with me. JEFF Your girl like the girl you’re in a relationship with? HAL Yeah. HAL No. HAL I know who my girlfriend is. Bro. That’s Bex. dude? JEFF . JEFF I’m not. bro. bro. bro. bro.. .6. My girl. On the real. JEFF Naw. no.

HAL Alright. It’s Bex. HAL It’s fucked up. No problem. Sure of it. Where’d you meet this chick? (sounds of dry heaving) Think. HAL A test? JEFF Yeah. bro. Just think logically. HAL No. But don’t worry. Yo. bro.. dude. bro. I’m sure of it. and she’s really the chick you think she is. JEFF Yeah. Watch this. dude. bro. I’m a criminology major. bro. We’ll figure this out. bro. JEFF I know. bro. Where you’d meet this chick? HAL We met on the quad on Career Day.7. . Dig deep. what the fuck. JEFF Deductive reasoning. bro. I propose a simple test. bro. I’m certain of my assertation. then she’ll respond to her name. JEFF Alright. you’re serious? What the fuck? JEFF Okay. Til they shut down early. bro. they shut down early on finals week. dude. dude. JEFF No that’s Bex. That’s what’s up. We’ll solve this mystery.. HAL Only when they’re really still. bro. don’t panic. bro. If my assertion is correct. bro. Where’d you come from? HAL We were at the firehouse. Why don’t you try to use her name.

? Beat. dude. what is your name? BEX Dude. HAL (quiet at first) Yo. BEX Yo. Approaching the door. Bex? Beat. dude. it’s cool.. ‘what is my name?’ . Usually I can drink like a shitbird. Bex. JEFF Yo.. HAL Hey. bro. that is not Bex. BEX Who’s Jess? HAL Noone. BEX What? HAL Shut up. what are you talking about? What do you mean. I am so sorry.. Bex. Jess? Bex opens the door.8. BEX What? What’s he talking about? JEFF Yo.

What makes you think you should trust him? And didn’t he just tell you this wasn’t your room? . Obviously. HAL What do you mean. I have my Lit class with Bex. ‘totally?’ BEX No. I got your back. man. but don’t worry. I am. bro. Bro. bro. bro? HAL Does everyone at school know I’m faceblind? JEFF Yeah. It’s Bex. bro. JEFF What is it. She’s like a totally different person. JEFF Naw. BEX No. dude? Like see my man at the Firehouse and be like. and he won’t even know it. I’m going to take him home. I’m Bex. BEX No! JEFF You were like I’m going to totally deceive this gentlemen. who is this fucking dude? JEFF I’m his roommate. This dude’s playing you.9. bro. I mean. Right? BEX Yeah. Totally. BEX No! Hal. Who are you. dude? HAL It’s Bex. BEX She is not! JEFF So what’d you do. there’s that fine faceblind guy.

JEFF You picked someone up from their dorm. That’s Bex’s dorm. Bachmann. JEFF Naw. You came by my dorm. bro. Like I said. I’m your roommate. JEFF School ID. And this is just some skanky ass decepticon from the bar. Cuz we’ve been together all night. son? HAL Anyone could have that face. I don’t know who I can trust. dude. BEX You picked me up from my dorm. And I came down and we went to the Firehouse in your Rav 4. Probably at the firehouse. Bachmann. bro. Check it. bro. BEX Yeah. bro. JEFF I was just playing. bro. haven’t we. It’s me. So who’s he. bro. bro? HAL I don’t know. bro. You want to throw down now. dude. bro.10. Bam. bro? JEFF Nah. BEX Naw. I’m Jeff. HAL I don’t know who my true friends are. Let’s see your ID. Naw. bro. BEX No. So you are Bex. takes out his ID. It was me. He takes out his wallet. HAL That’s true. bro. . bro. Who knows where the real Bex is. I’m not. HAL That’s right. bro.

JEFF Ohhhh-hooo..Rebexxa. go ahead.. HAL No. Fine.. JEFF Oh yeah? You didn’t need it for the bar.11. dude? BEX Right. BEX Look. bro. She’s like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. BEX I didn’t bring it. she means because her real name is probably like.. JEFF A web of deceit. JEFF Ohhhh. . HAL What? JEFF I told you. BEX But dude.. The thing is Bex isn’t my real name. it’s not what you think.. Or Alexis. They don’t card girls. because drunk girls are good for business. (Jeff goes for it) Wait. you won’t mind if I check your purse then? Right? BEX Sure. bro. Right.. well. then? BEX They don’t card girls. dude. JEFF Okay. HAL That’s true. Rebexxa.

I am. Alright. I want you to be who you be. HAL Dude. I’ll be whoever you want be to be. Who the fuck are you? BEX Alright.let’s just do it. bro. BEX No.. I’m not Bex. bro. bro. Everybody just quit running around and let me sit down. Just let me explain. JEFF I am like the Drunk Detective. HAL No. JEFF It will just take a second. We deduced that already. She sits down. BEX But I am your girlfriend. who are you? Where is my girlfriend? BEX I’m your girlfriend. . Okay. dude. hold up. I’m Bex. I admit it. JEFF No shit. I don’t want you to be who I want you to be. It will help with our cognitive. bro.. this is not the time for that. baby. HAL This is fucked.12. HAL What? JEFF I don’t think so. JEFF You want to take some shots? HAL Dude. BEX No. bro... Are. dude.

HAL What do you mean? What do you mean.Alright. She don’t live there no more. HAL A quiet dorm? But that doesn’t make sense. JEFF He does that. Bex totally does not love to party. this girl straight played you. bro. What else would it have been. BEX No. like. what do you think I am.. yo. Bex was my roommate. like. She left cuz she didn’t like it when we got physical. HAL Naw! Naw! Wait. BEX No. moved to a quiet dorm. bro. JEFF Oh. yo. dude. bro. Just let me explain.. She.13. . the God of War? HAL I don’t know who the fuck you are. dude? HAL I don’t know! Some kind of white noise machine? BEX Yo. we were hooking up with her in the room?? BEX Yeah. dude. you like. You know. Your roommate?? So you’re saying when I came by earlier to pick you up at the dorm. HAL No. It’s not. /That is some diabolical shit. It’s like this. with our bodies. It’s not like that. like a. dude.ten cent whistle. Check it out. was that her making that crying sound? BEX Yeah. bro! JEFF Dude. dude. Bex loves to party. switched bodies? BEX No. You must have thought she was like furniture.

you’re the girl I’ve been in love with. balls deep in love. in my life. Dude. Anybody could be anybody in this hall of mirrors. My poor sweet. HAL You don’t know dick. HAL So you’re saying. BEX What?? Shut up.Rebexxa. girlfriend moved out like four months ago. BEX As if.. but after we hooked up the first time. like. BEX Exactly. I thought you knew what you were doing. JEFF Fascinating.. the crux of the shit.. it’s just that you have a different name... BEX Yeah. BEX I’m sorry. She was all wrong for you. dude. exactly.. HAL Four months ago?. actually. And then I was afraid to tell you. HAL So it’s been you all along. dude. Like.. She was my best girlfriend. maybe I’m not.But that’s how long we’ve been going out. uh huh. I didn’t know about your condition. JEFF Maybe I am. BEX Bro.. bro.. HAL No! No. That is. bro. bro. Like I said. You are not like Dick Tracy. . Fascinating. dude. bro. HAL Aw Bex. You didn’t even like her.14.. bro. I was in love. BEX Whatever. I was going to ask her to marry me.

JEFF I am. too. But we should probably wait.15. Henry story. bro. HAL And that’s why you didn’t recognize her. dude. right now. I want to marry you. HAL I thought you were criminology. BEX I want to marry you right now. JEFF Dude. HAL Have you ever read Bukowski. HAL Who? JEFF It’s a writer. he is like my inspiration for everything. Like. Forget about all that. BEX Dude. HAL Til tomorrow? . Before you fell in love with me-HAL But I didn’t know I was in love with you-BEX Because you have a serious brain problem. Bro. HAL I want to marry you three. BEX Yeah. bro? JEFF Dude. I love you. because the girl in your Lit class is-BEX Just some random girl you slept with. bro. It’s me you’re balls deep in love with. It’s like an O. Just look me in the eyes. bro.

bro. BEX No. my people. we’ll work it out. BEX Dude. God you are perfect. BEX But it’s not about love. It’s about mental function. Who can party as hard as you. and I’m going to have the priest read Bukowski. The food will be only good food and the drinks will be free. HAL Word? BEX Word! WORD! WORD! They kiss. I’ve never met anyone like you. and who is as hot as you. I want to be your husband. Yo. . Word. it’s going to be amazing. JEFF Hey. JEFF Sweeeeet. I mean what if this happens again? HAL What? BEX If you get confused. BEX Definitely til tomorrow. Dude. yo. and everything. I want to get married in a fancy church. I love you. I’m sorry I doubted your shit. May your love be like long and fruitful. dude. but I want to do it our way. Okay? BEX Okay. maybe we’re moving too fast. Or if you cheat on me. this is no doubt the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened in this room.16. Wait. HAL I choose love. accidentally? HAL I wouldn’t do that. HAL It’s good to move though. dude. bro. When you’re too still I can’t find you. serious bro.

Check it out. JEFF Yo. You should be like a detective.17. bro. Hal. . That’s what it means to be a criminology major. HAL Oh dude. This is our time. right. bro. You were mad good at helping put the pieces together. HAL Thanks. yeah I’ve meaning to tell you. Lights out. I’m going to be a plastic surgeon. JEFF I’m going to be. bro. dude. by the way. This is our time. bro. Dude. did you ever decide on a major? HAL Oh dude. BEX You can be anything you want.

Caligula in the Morning __________________________ By Nick Jones .

VALENIUS But emperor. VALENIUS. EMPEROR Go and be away with you. Valenius. VALENIUS Emperor. pleasant way possible.The EMPEROR OF ROME is sleeping on a large bed. A knife is lying on a table on the far side of the room. EMPEROR I’m sleeping. Awake and rejoice. you do not want to keep the senators waiting. It is time to rise and address the senate. VALENIUS (gently) Emperor… Emperor…It’s time to wake up… The Emperor groans. Not with the future of all of Rome at stake. VALENIUS But emperor. . EMPEROR If you don’t get out of my room I’ll see you executed. and does other things to wake up the emperor in the most gentle. He clears his throat. EMPEROR Ka? (snort) Who is it? VALENIUS It is I. enters. your faithful slave. It’s a very momentous day. A slave.

2.
VALENIUS
But that’s just it, Emperor. You said you’d have me executed if I let you sleep in. Because
today is so important.
EMPEROR
That was before.
VALENIUS
Emperor, you know sometimes we are not ourselves in the morning…we say things we do
not mean to say, and do things we don’t want to do.
EMPEROR
I said GET OUT! And how dare you make me have to tell you twice. You will pay for
that. Guards!
VALENIUS
No, emperor….
EMPEROR
Guards! Come at once!
VALENIUS
(continuous)
I beg you understand: I only do as you bid, and you bid me help you do as you bid,
yourself, before you starting drinking.
EMPEROR
You have broken my divine sleep. You have shattered a royal dream. A dream from which
I could have gleaned secrets, which would help in the governing of Rome. This… is
treason! Where are the guards?
VALENIUS
The guards are right outside, emperor.
EMPEROR
Why do they not enter?
VALENIUS
Because you ordered them not to listen to you. In the morning. If you order them to execute
enough slave.
EMPEROR
Why would I do that?

3.
VALENIUS
Because you were upset, that you ordered the death of your last slave, Polonius, whom you
loved.
EMPEROR
But aren’t you Polonius?
VALENIUS
No, emperor, I’m Valenius. (bowing) You don’t like me as much.
EMPEROR
Where is Polonius?
VALENIUS
Dead, emperor. Because he woke you before you were ready.
EMPEROR
Polonius, gone? But he was so loyal.
VALENIUS
Yes.
EMPEROR
He knew all my little quirks.
VALENIUS
He was with you a long time. Many weeks. It takes a long time to build up that kind of
rapport. That is why you forbid the guards to listen to you in the morning.
EMPEROR
I do not govern myself well at this hour. I need another ten minutes.
VALENIUS
Most days that would be fine. Most days. But today the senators are quite aggrieved
emperor. You must talk to them. Convince them of your leadership. Convince them Rome
is in good hands.
EMPEROR
What do you mean? Of course it’s in good hands. Am I not a god?
VALENIUS
(approaches)
Yes of course, I know that. But they need reassurance. Just talk to them. Then you can go
back to bed. Come, I will bathe and perfume you.

4.
EMPEROR
No no. Don’t touch me… Fine. I’ll get up.
VALENIUS
Are you sure?
EMPEROR
Yes. Go wait outside. I’ll be out in a minute….
VALENIUS
Emperor?
EMPEROR
What?
VALENIUS
Will you really?
EMPEROR
Yes.
VALENIUS
Because I wouldn’t want you to fall back asleep.
EMPEROR
I won’t fall back asleep. I’m up.
VALENIUS
You don’t look like you’re up.
EMPEROR
I am. I’m up. I’ve risen. I’ll meet you outside.
Valenius exits. He might hear him murmur, as if
to Guards offstage. He returns with a pail of
water.
VALENIUS
Emperor, I must warn you…You have ordered me to douse you with water if you do not
rise.
EMPEROR
You wouldn’t dare.
VALENIUS
I wouldn’t dare disobey you. They were your orders. Signed.

You’ll have to get out of bed to get the knife to cut my ears off with.5. EMPEROR Guards! VALENIUS The guards are on your side. EMPEROR The conspiracy of the awake side of me! Never mind those orders. emperor? EMPEROR I’ll cut off your ears and choke you with them. VALENIUS No. But I bet it will feel good cutting my ears off. The side of the other side of you. I order you to leave me at once and then kill yourself. VALENIUS With what knife? Your knife is over on the table. And then after you cut off my ears. you can have a quick bath. and go talk to the senators. (Beat. I know you are angry.) EMPEROR You get it. You don’t mean that. EMPEROR You dare disobey? You worm! By Caesar. You’ll have to get it yourself. I’ll kill you myself! VALENIUS How will you do that. I am issuing new orders. VALENIUS Emperor. The more awake side. EMPEROR What do they want? . who are so looking forward to seeing you.

But-EMPEROR So then you see if you start compromising it’s all over. (pause) Emperor? EMPEROR That is for me to know! VALENIUS Just talk to them. I see. just because they want me to. This is not about my not wanting to get out of bed. I will wetten you. Tell them you meant no disrespect. though it may cause me to weep for days. VALENIUS They want to know why you have appointed a horse to the senate. They are pus filled cretins. If I give an inch. This is political. Why wouldn’t I disrespect them? VALENIUS Because the strength of Rome is built upon healthy working relationships? EMPEROR The strength of Rome comes from the gods! It comes from me! VALENIUS Fine! So tell them that. VALENIUS Aren’t there times when /compromise is--- .6. EMPEROR But I did meant disrespect. yes. they will take a mile. emperor. He lifts the pail of water EMPEROR No! Don’t! Listen to me. EMPEROR No. then I am caving in to their demands.. If I get out of bed. VALENIUS Mmm. VALENIUS Emperor. and I will explain what you are stupid to understand.

It is far too much for one man. There is no one in the senate I can trust. Do you understand? VALENIUS Yes. Then one of me could go see the senators and the other one could stay in bed. VALENIUS Yes? EMPEROR Execute all the senators. And you say they are plotting my assassination? VALENIUS I did not say that. well. But. VALENIUS But emperor--EMPEROR All other past proclamations and laws are void. And they are not content. VALENIUS Not even your horse? EMPEROR I don’t know him anymore. To make my power absolute. VALENIUS Yes. to fulfill all the responsibilities of government.7. This is Rome. EMPEROR So there’s only one thing to do. that is sort of the idea behind the senate. Though…if that were so… . And issue a proclamation denying the authority of all past versions of myself. Or. The only power in Rome shall be the power of Gaius Caesar as proclaimed by him in the immediate present moment. You could get out of bed. Yes. emperor. EMPEROR Only one voice must be heard. EMPEROR Ah if only there truly were more than one of me. EMPEROR But they are my enemies. VALENIUS Yes.

EMPEROR What nonsense is this? VALENIUS Since it was by your proclamation that I was made a slave.8. I would have thought you could have been gladiator. By getting out of bed. because I believe in you. And I believe only you can restore stability to Rome. EMPEROR What? VALENIUS If that is so. EMPEROR Oh the Saturnalia. VALENIUS Why is that. that means I am slave no longer. EMPEROR Well then I--VALENIUS (CONTINUOUS) But I will not walk away. and I can walk away. emperor? . Which--? * VALENIUS It doesn’t matter. EMPEROR I don’t remember that. The point is if all laws and past proclamations are negated than I am not longer a slave. You demoted me. your highness. I used to be a lawyer. VALENIUS It was during the Saturnalia. EMPEROR Funny. EMPEROR So you were a lawyer? VALENIUS Once.

is with the thoughts your best interest. would you give your life for Rome? . EMPEROR There are no misunderstandings by the gods! Do you misunderstand? VALENIUS No. VALENIUS I mean no harm. but only because I thought it was a misunderstanding.9. EMPEROR Tell me. EMPEROR But you could. to speak to me so familiar. Well tell me. and of Rome’s. EMPEROR Do you miss them? VALENIUS Yes. VALENIUS All I do. easily. VALENIUS . Though I have not seen them since coming into your palace. do you have a wife and children in Rome? VALENIUS I do.. emperor. You came to beg for mercy of a merchant who had desecrated my image. did you not? VALENIUS Yes emperor. EMPEROR Because you must be brave. though I am happy to serve you. EMPEROR Ah yes now I do remember you. because you are not a god. I see that. and all I say. EMPEROR Ah yes. Valenius. with the slippery tongue. EMPEROR Yes yes. All I say I say out of love for you and Rome. the lawyer..

I am waiting.cannot. EMPEROR Take your life. or are you less than I take you for? Are you not truly a Roman but just another another shit pot of shit. I want you to take that knife and kill yourself with it. slave. I did. A spectacle of blood clears the fog from my eyes. It must be you. For Rome. VALENIUS I would give my life. Your life.10. I must be clearheaded if I am to address the senate. EMPEROR Ah. we are not. VALENIUS Emperor…. VALENIUS But— EMPEROR I said I AM WAITING! VALENIUS I…. I will even oust my horse from the senate to appease them… VALENIUS Could we not slaughter a lamb? EMPEROR No. EMPEROR Well then answer: will you take your life if it meant getting me out of bed to address the senators. If we’re speaking philosophically. VALENIUS … EMPEROR Did you not hear the question? VALENIUS No. . And then I will reassure the senators that all is well.

He stabs himself.. I am no god as you. the Senators will conspire against me and Rome will be lost. EMPEROR Good. dear Polonius. The kind I have no difficulty to keep. Very good. Now listen to me: if you do not do as I bid. VALENIUS You must stand emperor. VALENIUS You don’t really want to do this. EMPEROR What? VALENIUS I lack the will. VALENIUS Yes.11. That is a promise. VALENIUS Then why don’t you just get out of bed! EMPEROR Because that is not what I wish. EMPEROR I do. Surely you know what I am capable of. EMPEROR If you do not kill yourself I will never get out of bed. .. will find your wife and children and I will rape them and torture them before your eyes. EMPEROR Good. I will do it. The emperor claps. Valenius takes the knife. We need a leader. And it will be your fault. Or don’t you * remember the Saturnalia? Now I will count to three. I’m wide awake now. Stand for Rome. Make no mistake. as he falls to the ground. but a mere man. Good good good. One…two.

to defeat the Gaius of today. EMPEROR Valenius. VALENIUS Valenius. EMPEROR I will stand for Rome. Valenius the gladiator. Later. and now that promise is nullified by the wishes of the present. yes that’s right. VALENIUS No… EMPEROR And then I will stand for your children. into the arena. EMPEROR What’s that? I can’t understand you. Or Rome will die. who was sent by some older version of Gaius. EMPEROR No Valenius. He lies down. Don’t you remember my proclamation? VALENIUS You lied. And then I will find your pretty wife. too. VALENIUS Stand for Rome. I outsmarted you. VALENIUS No. But the Gaius of today is stronger than he of yesterday. I am a God. if pretty she be. I will remember you. VALENIUS No… . VALENIUS You said you’d get out of bed. and I will stand for her.12. EMPEROR Did I? Oh but that was the past version of me.

An honor. or at least be quiet.13. in an unmarked grave. please… EMPEROR But as for you. EMPEROR I will save us. Now please hurry up and die. Lights fade. . I’d like to get a few more minutes of sleep. you will be buried with the gladiators. The emperor goes back to bed. worthy of your sacrifice. VALENIUS May the gods save us. VALENIUS No. EMPEROR And I will slaughter them and have them buried outside of the city. Later.

Super Supportive Family by Nick Jones MAY 3. 2012 .

JERRY I can only remember bits and pieces. JERRY (mutters) Well.. is being comforted by his mother and father. mom. a young man.. it doesn’t look like anything Just tell us what happened. KAY What? I’m sorry Jerry you’re /going to speak up. BOB No. JERRY..... KAY Honey. I can only remember bits and pieces. BOB No.. KAY What? That’s what I thought he said.An older couple’s comfortable home. BOB No. KAY No. of /course not. JERRY I didn’t do it. There is blood on Jerry’s shirt. KAY and BOB. JERRY It’s not what it looks like. JERRY God.. Kay. ... KAY You cut her into bits and pieces?? JERRY No.

2.
BOB
No, nobody cut anybody into bits and pieces.
JERRY
No....
Well...

*

but that was after she was already dead.

*

BOB

KAY

Oh.

Oh my.
JERRY

Well, you know I panicked.
BOB

KAY
Yes, of course, it’s...

No, it’s alright.
JERRY
I’m sorry I’m not perfect.

BOB
No, it’s fine. Everybody makes mistakes, right Kay?
KAY
Right. Everybody makes mistakes. Why I...I put the milk in the cereal cabinet the other day.
BOB
Oh boy...
KAY
Can you imagine that?
BOB
Right. And you cut up some, /uh....
JERRY
Streetwalker. She was like a streetwalker.
KAY
What?

3.
BOB
Right. As would anyone. If you panic. It’s perfectly under/standable.
KAY
But wait, did you say a streetwalker?
JERRY
Yes.
KAY
Where did you find a streetwalker? I thought they cracked down on all of that.
JERRY
No, mom, not like a literal streetwalker.
KAY
But I thought you said--wait what did you say? I’m sorry, I’m hard of hearing...
BOB
No. Okay listen, Jerry just means she wasn’t literally on the street.
JERRY
Right.
KAY
Oh. But she was a prostitute?
BOB
Which is fine. Let’s /not...
JERRY
No, she wasn’t a prostitute.
BOB
Oh.
JERRY
I mean, not technically. But she was that kind of woman. You know what I mean.
BOB
Oh. Okay.
KAY
What kind?

4.
JERRY
You know. The kind that wears a lot of makeup. That thinks they’re real pretty. That thinks
they’re real smart...
BOB
Oh.
KAY
What?
BOB
The kind that thinks they’re real pretty and smart. Oh sure, well, sure, we know a few
people like that.
KAY
Oh right. Sure, like my friend Barbara, she always...she always thinks she’s so smart.
JERRY
But I didn’t do it. I told you.
KAY

BOB

No.

No, of course not.

JERRY
Well. Why do I feel like you’re judging me right now?
KAY

BOB

What?

No, we’re not.
KAY

BOB
Why would we judge you, if you didn’t do
it?

Right. Right.

They kind of laugh.
BOB
But, but, but Jerry, who was this woman?...
JERRY
I don’t know. We met online. I told her I was a dentist.
KAY
What?

These. Let me ask you something.. /Smart boy. What was I going to say? I don’t have a job? I live with my parents? You know all these whores care about is money. KAY No. JERRY Well I had to tell her something. Good! Smart. Sure. BOB Now.. KAY Good. BOB Because. BOB Unbelievable.5. This is the first time you’ve. Okay. that’s true that some. BOB And did you use your real name? JERRY No. BOB Oh. dentists are what these whores are into these days? JERRY Right. KAY Why would he tell her he was a dentist? He’s not a dentist. Let’s let me just try to get this straight. Sure. I mean. You should never use a real name on a first date. Listen. KAY Oh right. BOB Good.whores.. JERRY Never what? . So you told her you were a dentist because... You’ve never. uh..whores are focused on the financial aspects. JERRY He told her he was a dentist. You’re not a dentist.

in the paper. You don’t believe me. BOB No! Jerry. has it? These kinds of. Kay.. Just jump to conclusions. BOB Kay. mom. because I read--KAY I’M HUNGRY! IS ANYBODY ELSE HUNGRY? WOULD ANYBODY LIKE SOMETHING TO EAT? BOB No. You think I did it! BOB What? No. you know.. Thanks. JERRY Just because I have a little blood on my shirt.. Dad. JERRY Suddenly I’m a murderer! BOB No. /..And in my car.. Dates. /Like usual. listen you’ve got the wrong idea. BOB I’m not jumping to conclusions. JERRY Oh that’s just great. KAY ARE YOU SURE? MAYBE SOME CRACKERS? OR SOME CHEESEY POPCORN? YOU LIKE THAT! .. BOB Well. KAY Well why don’t you let Jerry speak for himself? Jerry. JERRY Oh. this hasn’t happened before. we’re fine.6. would you like something to eat? JERRY No.. Oh my god.... Just.

JERRY No.. BOB So what’s the last thing you remember? JERRY She was trying to get out of the car. I just need you to be very honest with me okay. I wanted to let her out of the car. why don’t you bring him a glass of water? KAY WATER! OKAY! WOULD YOU PREFER JUICE!? BOB No.couldn’t. . Listen. BOB Okay. You know me.. Jerry. nobody’s judging you. just water is fine. you didn’t let her? JERRY It’s hard to explain.. Just so I understand what happened. And then at a certain point you just. BOB Alright. Kay. you can tell me anything. You need water. Blacked out. Kay exits. You’re not going to understand. BOB I’m trying to understand.. So you met this woman. Right.. You met this woman. JERRY Blacked out. KAY Okay. JERRY BOB Snapped. Just tell me what happened. listen. but I.7. I’ll get you some water.. I’m not hungry! BOB Kay. we all need water. you must be thirsty.. She got in your car. JERRY Well look. Listen. Jerry.. obviously. . And you didn’t want her to? I mean.

Okay. Listen. BOB Oh.. JERRY No. Listen.. BOB Okay. you know. Okay. what’s important is that you didn’t do it. Where is the girl now? JERRY She’s in two coolers in the back of my car. /I might have. Listen. Listen. JERRY What? BOB Nothing... It’s not important how this looks. Listen. Listen... what.. Listen.other people in the car? Or just.then you didn’t do it. JERRY Yeah. saying I shouldn’t let her. BOB YOU DIDN’T DO IT... BOB The back of your car? Out. BOB Voices of. does it? BOB No. JERRY Well. what are you talking about? It looks fine. actually. And if you say you didn’t do it.8. . BOB Why not? JERRY There were these voices. Listen. Listen. Listen.. no. JERRY This doesn’t look good..

KAY Did you accept a drink from any strangers? * .. BOB Yes you were! Listen.So that means you were framed. Listen. BOB Okay. Kay returns with water. listen Kay. Because. Hold on a second.. Were you were at a restaurant beforehand? Maybe someone drugged you. KAY People are framed. Nice glass of water. Jerry was framed. Listen. JERRY Okay. Okay. KAY And I brought some popcorn because you really should try this. KAY Oh. good. BOB People are framed.. BOB Okay. Listen. Listen. Listen. It happens all the time. because it’s so good..9. Nice glass of water. Okay. Listen. JERRY No. BOB . Right? JERRY Maybe we should/ call the--BOB No! No! We don’t need to involve the police yet. /Listen... KAY Here you go.

There’s all kinds of creeps out there. BOB No. KAY Oh there’s more than one dead streetwalker? BOB No. This is not your fault. Listen.. listen. hey. Small laugh. KAY Oh this isn’t the right kind. There’s no dead streetwalkers.. definitely. in the last couple weeks? JERRY It’s possible. Listen. I’m such a goof. /Okay. And I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody--just for some sick thrills---was trying to make you think that you’ve been killing women. I’ve been framed a lot lately.. remember? KAY Oh. KAY Because they can put drugs in your drink. JERRY Oh god... What I need to know is.. yes. Listen. KAY ARE YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT TO TRY THIS POPCORN!? IT’S JUST SO GOOD. There’s only a dead woman. BOB Okay. Listen. Kay. but let’s just try it. BOB Right.. okay? BOB Listen. BOB Right.is is possible that there could have been other times you might been framed. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to buy this kind. Okay.Listen.. Listen. Yes.. Listen. JERRY It’s not? . Hey. I mean.10. No. BOB Now Jerry. Listen. It’s just that Jerry was characterizing all women as streetwalkers..

.what do they tell you to do.. BOB And then here along come these voices./ right. Mostly. KAY OH. .and if you are hearing voices. IT’S GOOD! BOB No. KAY It’s the internet. JERRY Well the whose fault is it? BOB Well. Not in the slightest. BOB And when you’re already probably nervous because it’s a first date and you probably wanted it to go really well.. KAY And you’re trying to drive.. BOB Kill.. BOB Why was this woman getting in your car on a first date?? Who does that? I mean.11.. So it’s got to be horribly hard to focus with voices in your ear..it’s... That’s distracting. KAY He’s hearing voices? You’re hearing voices? BOB He heard voices. telling you to--to. you know. it’s her own fault for. exactly? JERRY Kill. KAY Oh yes. /It needs to be regulated...

I. I can handle it. JERRY No. I don’t think so. I don’t want you involved.12. BOB Impossible. JUST THINK WE SHOULD! Give me your keys. and we should focus on those things. JERRY Why? BOB I just want to go look in your car.. BOB No. why this neighborhood would just be covered in.. .. Just give me the keys. Listen.. we want to be involved. There’s a lot of positive things... KAY I can’t even imagine.. / Just to see what we’re dealing with. Listen. BOB Whores all over the lawn and in the trees. /I never wanted to tell you anything. JERRY No. JERRY No. You didn’t tell anyone about this. BOB Jerry. I don’t want you to. because... did you? JERRY No. BOB Good. on a date. It’s an impossible situation. BOB And noone saw you with this person’s blood or. Good! So. If I had voices like that..people parts. KAY Oh I would find that just.

Okay. BOB We don’t care. your shirt looks great.and.. KAY BOB No. KAY Sure this is what we live for. no! JERRY Why do you have to pry all the time?? Now you’re an accomplice. Okay. KAY In the garage.13.messy. BOB It’s alright. BOB Give me the keys. The Clean n’ Brite? BOB Yes.. You’re our son. I think.. JERRY It’s just you asked me about my shirt and I. Kay. and.. just give me the keys. And we want to help you. KAY . KAY Of course.. Jerry hands over the keys JERRY It’s a little. Jerry. . What. do we have any of that stain removal stuff? KAY What? Oh. Great...Finally getting to talk and find out what you’ve been up to.I felt like you were judging me.

JERRY Yeah. BOB Alright. Was the date going alright? I mean. What happened to Carol? You liked her. I’m glad you’re dating again. women like you. before.enjoy that. BOB Good. KAY Oh what are you sorry about? JERRY I don’t know what’s wrong with me.. look at me.. I’m always after your mother about buying too much crap off the television. Good. KAY Good. He leaves.. but look at me. Now you just relax and. You are a beautiful bright young man. mom. Pause. Beat. KAY That’s what I always say. Better to have it and not use it KAY AND BOB than not have it when you need it.. KAY There is nothing wrong with you...okay. KAY Well.... JERRY I’m sorry. You see the egg on my face? Huh? Good thing we have this stuff when we need it. See? You’re so charming. / remember? . You’re just going through a.14. Don’t let this discourage you. Jerry.

. JERRY Women. JERRY Sorry. I love you. JERRY I killed her.. KAY I love you. JERRY Even though. never mind. KAY That doesn’t matter. can’t I? KAY What? Of course.. mom. You’re son. JERRY I can still live here. And when it comes to choosing our son over some random woman. Lights out. Well. Jerry. . KAY Bob and I will always choose you. KAY Oh.15. Jerry listen to me. Then. Always.. Do you understand me? JERRY Thanks. So so much. You can stay here for as long as it takes for you to get back on your feet. About that.

com Representation: Mark Subias SUBIAS Agency mark@marksubias.com 212. 2012 Nick Jones 12th St.445. NY 11215 thewhizbang@gmail. #3R Brooklyn.Salome _______________________ By Nick Jones MAY 7.109 .

Characters: SALOME JENNY MITCH SEAN HERODIAS JOHN VULTURE SCORPION Setting: Contemporary Ancient Judea. A palace in the desert. .

JENNY Okay. did you? JENNY Who? Your dad? SALOME My stepdad. I bet. I thought more people would come to my party. I don’t even know why they bothered to bring them from Rome. It’s just because Mitch ordered too many. Not that many people know you. so. right? JENNY Well she was just offering me pizza.whatever. Why? JENNY I heard your mom say you got a pony. My mom is just like so annoying. Princess of Judea. She is outside her palace with JENNY. I have like tons of them. but like for the five thousandth time. I’m so glad we got out there.. Hey. SALOME Yeah. okay? I’ll be jealous. He didn’t ask you to dance for him.SCENE 1 The night after the fourteenth birthday of SALOME. That’s gross. He’s kind of weird. SALOME I know. a friend from town. Just kidding. They know my stepdad is like the ruler of Judea. Just don’t dance for him. SALOME Oh god. SALOME Yeah well so? They’ve heard of me. . do you have a pony? SALOME Yeah. JENNY Well.. I get one like every birthday and so they just like take up space in the stables and I don’t even ride them anymore. you just moved to Judea.

. Whatever. You’re a freak. enters. SALOME What do you want? SEAN Nothing... SALOME Then why are you here? SEAN Why am I here? I don’t know. . SALOME You can have one of mine. You’re both freaks.Well. I’m not in love with anybody. like. SEAN. JENNY Salome! SEAN No way.. wow. JENNY Oh. about the same age. As if. SEAN No way. JENNY Really?? SALOME Sure. wait.2. SALOME He’s the gardener’s son. I’m out of here. SALOME Then you’re in love with Jenny. He doesn’t leave.. ride it to death. If I had a pony I’d. Let me think about it. He’s in love with me.

SALOME Then come on. JENNY No. SALOME Wait. JENNY Why is he in your well? SALOME Mitch put him there. JENNY In the desert? SALOME Not far. SALOME Why are you still here then? He starts to go.. there’s a guy who lives in our well. like. JENNY Yeah and my mom says there are animals out in the desert. SEAN We’re not supposed to go near the well. I’m just playing with you. Small transition. SALOME What? Are you scared? SEAN No.What? SALOME Out in the desert.. . Because he was talking shoot against my mom and because this palace is so ghetto we don’t even have a real.3.. fool. prison. You want to see something? SEAN No. They approach the well.

A SCORPION appears. SEAN I do. SALOME A what? SEAN No.the sky. SCORPION He is. . He called your mother a W.. The other W word.. His name is Ricky and he wears a little top hat. The children recoil. The pit which is...lord will be cast into the deepest pit. SALOME You do not.4. JENNY Shh. JENNY What did he say? SALOME I don’t know. SEAN Whoa. (John speaks with a stammer. Listen. The lion who will be king. JOHN One day a lion shall come. SEAN Yes I do. And the offenders of the. Like a W From Babylon. represented by ellipses) SEAN He sounds like a freak.

VULTURE And I’m Leslie the Vulture. VULTURE Neither will I.lion king! As he stutters. Same as you. let’s go back.you will tremble before the. You should hear the stuff that comes out of his mouth sometimes. JENNY Look out. SCORPION Oh don’t worry. SCORPION Oh but why? We’re just friendly animals. That’s funny. The other vultures make fun of me for that. W that. SEAN Whoa.. And we don’t use foul language. . A bird. Not like this one. SALOME Who are you? CUT SCORPION My name is Ricky. W this.5. I know. That’s why I search for carrion at night.. it’s a girl’s name. We just like to listen to the crazy man ranting.. VULTURE Oh man.. SALOME But why are you here? SCORPION Oh no reason. JENNY Salome. I won’t hurt you. JOHN The day will come when.. when I can do my own thing. the animals imitate him. VULTURE Oh brother. The Ws will burn in the flames of H.

I love that one. SCORPION I’m not going to sting you. JOHN The daughter of the Tetrarch? The daughter of a. JOHN The Tetrarch is the fox who brings.. SCORPION What about you. let’s go. SEAN He’s talking about your stepdad. The daughter of the Tetrarch is present.. SCORPION Hey. Have some m-m-m-manners.6. I’m nice. too.whore! SCORPION Oh! VULTURE Woo. I have a little hat on. Look. JENNY No. big boy? SEAN I don’t know. JOHN The moon will turn red as blood.. SEAN No. Salome. I dare one of you kids to spit on him. VULTURE Yeah. Come closer. SCORPION You don’t know what? You’re mumbling. VULTURE Oh that’s one. You’re going to sting me. quiet down there John. Just like Jimminy Cricket.... .perversity to Judea.

Lots of people get divorced. JENNY Salome let’s go. SALOME Whatever. His name is John. SALOME What sea? We’re in the middle of the desert. Your palace will crumble into the sea. JOHN I am but the tiger before the lion. SALOME What? JENNY I know who this is. And it’s cold. At least not prophets anyone cares about. SALOME Wait. JENNY No. Prophets don’t stutter. Salome. SCORPION Yeah. She spits. They say he’s a prophet. JOHN The children of inequity will be lost to the darkness.7. Why do you think my mother’s a W? JOHN Because she married her husband’s brother. SALOME So? They got divorced. I don’t like that language. VULTURE Spit on him. . SALOME He’s not a prophet. You’re a freak. Don’t. SCORPION Yeah.

leaving Salome without a flashlight. isn’t it? Just like you. Stop being dramatic. SALOME What? SEAN The moon. in the dark. JENNY No. look at it. JENNY Yeah. John climbs out of the well. SALOME Oh come on. I’m going in. It’s pink. JENNY It turned red. Salome. It’s red. Ominous sound padding. JENNY No! The moon turns red. Why are you so chicken? It’s not even red. JENNY Oh no.8. SALOME It’s just sort of pink. Salome puts her phone on the ledge and looks at the moon. Sean and Jenny run away. SEAN I’m cold. I--I’m cold. SALOME No it didn’t. too. . I think it’s pretty. VULTURE It is pretty. Red as blood.

Just chill out. JOHN The wrath of god will fall on the house of Herod.. but Salome gets away.. ... HERODIAS Salome. Go crawl back in your hole. SALOME I’m sorry. can I get in the door before you start yelling at me?! HERODIAS Where were you? SALOME Nowhere. No one cares..9. HERODIAS. They cackle. SCENE 2 Salome returns to the palace and is met by her mother. JOHN Daughter of a whore! SALOME (scream) Let go! JOHN The fires of hell await you unless /you repent before. alright? I was by the well. Gallilee VULTURE Oh John..God... where have you been? Why didn’t you answer your phone? SALOME Oh my god. What?? He can get out of the well? Salome screams. He tries to hold fast to her wrist.Let me go! Let me go! John is mad. place.. talking to John. John grabs Salome’s wrist. And then the lion will come to. And you will be driven back from this.

I put him in a well. Let’s just execute the man who the Jews think is a prophet. I don’t just ask children. MITCH Sure. . When are you going to do something about that traitor in the well? MITCH I did do something. There are kids around. Don’t you know how weird that is? MITCH We’re Romans. You need to execute him. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? SALOME Whatever. And that’s why nobody wanted to come to my party! Because my mom’s a W! She storms off. HERODIAS He curses me. SALOME It’s embarrassing. I ask all kinds of people to dance for me. I told you about that. HERODIAS Well it’s not safe. We’re more liberal about things like that. that’s why women can’t be leaders. He curses you. HERODIAS You’re not supposed to go near that well. HERODIAS What? SALOME What? You are! Nobody else’s mom around here marries their uncle. They’re too blood thirsty. I asked the gardener to dance for me the other night. Like nobody ever called you a W before. HERODIAS Say that letter one more time! (to Mitch) What are you looking at me like that? Why is this my fault? You’re the one who asks children to dance for you. You see. Execute him. Mitch.10. MITCH No I don’t.

Say. uh. MITCH Oh good. SEAN Man is a talking animal. MITCH Oh well I’ll give you a ride. MITCH Are you sure? JENNY Yes. Jenny. MITCH Wait. MITCH Yeah. SCENE 3 . do you need a ride home? JENNY I was spending the night. uh. He was wonderful.11. They just look at him. JENNY But.talking animals. She exits. maybe I should go.. You’re pretty.. I can. SEAN My dad. thank you for the party. it’s okay. MITCH Alright. Some say there are. do you have all of your stuff! You really shouldn’t walk alone! There’s animals out there. Because man is an animal. JENNY Oh. walk.

VULTURE Well. She’s a gold digger. like the moon. well. crying. In fact. He was telling us pretty he thought you were. Jenny only came because she’s poor and there was free pizza and cake. VULTURE Oh. I hate it here.12. it’s alright. SALOME What? VULTURE Oh yeah. Unless they’re crying because they’re so happy. And John. I hate hearing my friends crying. Pretty and pink. That’s right. The Vulture appears in the window. I hate you. SCORPION Sure he is. What are you doing here? VULTURE I heard you crying. Salome is in her room. SCORPION Oh what a B. SALOME I’m not. You’re making friends. SALOME Stupid B. . VULTURE Salome? SALOME Leslie. SALOME John? He’s not my friend. SALOME No I didn’t. I think he could be more than a friend. Scorpion enters with a slice of pizza. I miss Rome. you’ll always have us.

it’s true. VULTURE And you might be the Princess he’s waiting for. VULTURE No. But the opposite: a dude in a hole. VULTURE Yeah he was just testing you to see if you were serious enough for his holy love. Song begins. SALOME A prince? I don’t believe you. SALOME Where is that? SCORPION Far away. Why do you think he stays in the well when he can climb out? SALOME Because he’s crazy? VULTURE Because he’s waiting for love. guys are complicated. well. Salome. Where everything is perfect. VULTURE WHEN THE MAN PLAYS HARD TO GET AND GOES DOWN IN A HOLE THAT’S WHEN A LITTLE GIRL NEEDS TO TAKE CONTROL SCORPION IF HE WON’T LOOK AT YOU CUZ HE THINKS THAT YOU ARE BAD TURN YOURSELF INTO SOMETHING SURE TO DRIVE HIM MAD . John is really a Prince. you can go live with him in his magic kingdom. SALOME Really? Well why did he act so scary and mean? SCORPION Oh. And if you make yourself look hot enough. Like a girl in a tower.13. The truth is.

VULTURE BOUND TO CATCH HIS EYE . SALOME More? SCORPION Put it all on. SCORPION THE MOON IS BIG AND YELLOW THE MOON IS ALWAYS THERE WHEN THE MOON GETS HOT AND SEXY THE MAN LOOKS UP AND STARES VULTURE YOU CAN GET THROUGH TO HIM YOU CAN MAKE HIM YOURS WHEN THE MAN SAYS COVER UP HE MEANS SHOW ME MORE BOTH BE LIKE THE MOON SHA NA NA NA DANCING IN THE SKY BE LIKE THE MOON SHA NA NA NA AND YOU’RE BOUND TO CATCH HIS EYE SALOME What do I do now? SCORPION Go put on the makeup. BOTH BE LIKE THE MOON SHA NA NA NA DANCING IN THE SKY BE LIKE THE MOON SHA NA NA NA AND YOU’RE BOUND TO CATCH HIS EYE Salome starts putting on makeup. girl.14.

SCENE 4 Salome returns to the well.15. He’ll have no choice but to fall in love with you. SCORPION (amazed) Whaat? VULTURE Whaaat? SCORPION I don’t understand human families. SCORPION Not for long. VULTURE BOUND TO CATCH HIS EYE SCORPION Now.. SALOME But I don’t know how. he’s out of the well. Go over there and act sexy. SCORPION Oh yeah. Salome. go on.. You’ve seen your mother have sex. SALOME No I haven’t. .let’s go seduce that prophet. VULTURE We’ll talk about it later. looking sexy girl. He’s praying. John is praying some distance away. look. Salome approaches John. She puts on an absurd amount of makeup. VULTURE Oh good. SCORPION Improvise.

. Listen to me. look at me. Talk in a baby doll voice. Why won’t you look at me? JOHN Because you’re shining a flashlight in my face. VULTURE (whispering) Sexy. SCORPION Oh yeah! VULTURE Nice. When death will blow through this desert like a cold wind. SALOME I’m listening. SALOME (in gross baby doll voice) I couldn’t stay away from you John... There is a black night foreseen. Little girl. . JOHN Who’s there? SALOME It’s me. SCORPION Sexier.. Before the.be here.time of reckoning. Salome. JOHN You should not. JOHN You must repent for your sins.. VULTURE Sexier.. SALOME John. SCORPION (whispering) Be sexy..16. SALOME But I wanted to see you. SCORPION Sexier.

back. I know you’re not what you appear to be. JOHN What secret? SALOME You know. SALOME But don’t you think I’m pretty? JOHN I am sworn to God. Don’t speak to me like that. Daughter of a whore.. I’m poisoned by love. JOHN You are wicked. The spirits of darkness have enchanted you to destroy me. JOHN No. SALOME No. SALOME Well then let’s run away. JOHN Get back! . Kiss me. JOHN Get.17. SALOME No. VULTURE Kiss the man. SALOME No! John.. I’m good. SCORPION Kiss him. I’m not. JOHN You are enchanted. I see now you are poisoned by inequity. I know your secret. I have not eyes for your painted face. He starts to go back in the well.

then maybe you’re just too fat for him. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Teach people things? John. SALOME John! John. too. He’s only interested in God. Teach me about him. SALOME What? VULTURE He must be gay. Isn’t that what love is all about? JOHN (in well) I love only. I’ve freed you. Don’t you dare disobey me. . you’re being not fair. Salome.. John. SALOME Well I can love god. (to animals) What’s wrong? I thought you said he’d like me. SALOME What? The animals laugh at her. We were just joking. If he’s a holy man. Salome.. SALOME What? SCORPION He’s never going to fall for you. where are you going? You don’t have to go in the well anymore. SCORPION I’m sorry.god. We must have been wrong about him. VULTURE Well. Now you have to free me. There is no magic kingdom. SALOME Wait.18. SALOME But that’s impossible. VULTURE Ah. you come out of that well and look at me! John! You take me to your magic kingdom or I will have you executed..

MITCH Salome. Come on. Salome goes back to the well. Salome. I see God. VULTURE R-ricky. SALOME John. He’s never going to love you. You’re a bigot.19. And I’m going to tell everyone you’re a bigot. SCORPION No. She begins to cry.. what is it? What’s wrong with me? Why won’t you look at me? Is it because I’m Roman? Because that’s prejudice. I will make him mine. SALOME You tricked me? SCORPION Oh we were just joking. Not for all the pizza and cake in the world. We were so wrong.. Mitch appears. Nobody treats me like that. SCORPION (dying) Oh Leslie. killing him. MITCH What’s going on? What are you doing out here? . We were so wrong. And nobody will like you. John. we can find /something else to--SALOME I said SHUT UP!! She grabs a rock and smashes the scorpion with it. SALOME Shut up. Can’t you take a joke? SALOME No. I don’t care. SCORPION But it’s true.

now that I can see. But I thought if he made me his girlfriend he’d take me to his magic kingdom.. Hey. yeah that’s.20. Because it’s what you would’ve wanted. I’m going to eat you now. (turning to him) Leslie. And because there’s nothing else to eat.. little buddy. You’re better than him. Yeah. MITCH Oh. no I like it. SALOME Get away. Now what’s going on? SALOME I thought John liked me but he didn’t like me.great. . what have you done to your face? SALOME Don’t you like it? MITCH (almost laughing) No. But Salome. MITCH Salome. You’re a Princess. He’s a homeless Jew. MITCH Oh. SALOME I don’t know. The vulture is now eating the scorpion.. VULTURE Ricky. MITCH Oh-whoa-whoa. MITCH What? SALOME That’s what the vulture said. SALOME I know.

MITCH I’d kill that bird if he wasn’t so beautiful. MITCH Why? SALOME She says it’s inappropriate. And next year. Hey. MITCH Oh no. You look like a little girl to me. MITCH Well I know..21..you know what might make you feel better? SALOME What? MITCH If you shook out some of those bad feelings with some dancing. Hey? It’s been a while. But it’ll be better next time. SALOME Mommy says I shouldn’t dance for you anymore. I’ll issue a decree: every child between the ages of 12-14 has to come to Princess Salome’s birthday. Now come here. Pretty as the moon. SALOME I don’t want any ponies. SALOME It’s my birthday. cheered up) Thanks. I’m not a little girl. . The worst birthday ever. MITCH There you go. Next year. A pretty little girl. And I paid for all those ballet lessons. MITCH Well mommy doesn’t like physical activity. Mitch. SALOME (sniffling. under pain of death and dismemberment. two ponies. Are you cold? He holds her.

HERODIAS Were you asking her to dance for you? MITCH No. Because it’s healthy and aerobic. She put it on for the prophet. but don’t touch my daughter.. Slake your lust on a slave if you must. You can’t just have a man in a well spouting the garbage he spouts and not expect something like this to happen. HERODIAS (off) Mitch.. /Make peace now. Her bed. HERODIAS The prophet? Salome. I don’t want you asking her to dance. watch the language please. Not for me. Herodias enters. with Sean. MITCH (going to the well) John. John. what are you thinking? SALOME I thought I loved him. HERODIAS I told you. . I was just taking her to bed. MITCH No! I didn’t make her do anything. HERODIAS That’s nice. Salome. what have you done to your face? Did you/make her. Parenting. for you are damned. HERODIAS You see? I told you something like this would happen. HERODIAS What are you doing out here? What are you doing with /Salome? MITCH Nothing. For her health. JOHN Whores from Babylon.22. For her.

MITCH Well what do you want? HERODIAS I want you to execute him..? HERODIAS What? Touched by God? He’s the village idiot. Mitch. MITCH (softly) Fine. HERODIAS What people? MITCH You know. /You can’t just... MITCH Darned. JOHN You are damned.23.also... MITCH I can’t. We are darned! HERODIAS You hear that? You hear that language? It’s no wonder she acts out... the village idiot or our daughter? MITCH Fine.. People will get upset. HERODIAS What’s more important. HERODIAS (continuous) . No one will remember him..what if he really is.And what if some kid trips and falls down in there with him. . People! HERODIAS Oh grow a spine! MITCH I have a spine! It’s just. people..

. SALOME Mitch? MITCH What? SALOME Will you show me his head. I’ll execute him.. JOHN The moon will turn red as blood. HERODIAS I’m not surprised. MITCH FINE! I said FINE. HERODIAS Fine..24. .. With some cheese and crackers. HERODIAS Good.. I’ll cut his damn head off! Darn head off. You shouldn’t have to listen to this nonsense. She’s the Princess.. Salome. On a silver platter. so I can see his face one last time? HERODIAS Salome! SALOME What? HERODIAS You’re just a kid! MITCH No she’s not. Because he was mean to Salome. And the Princess gets what she wants. I’m going to stay out here a little longer.No no. Now you two go in. not because he called you a W. I like listening to him. HERODIAS Come on. MITCH . Because that’s the only reason I’m doing this. Because he called you a W. I’ll bring you his head.

Salome and Herodias exit. He was my friend. the lion shall be a lion.25.. he could’ve been a great prophet. Since everything is just sand and rock. It’s depressing. right? SEAN Yeah. VULTURE No. As I have been a tiger. Appearances. you wouldn’t want to dance for me. roar. MITCH Then stay. MITCH Say. would you cut it out with the crying? VULTURE But you don’t understand. would you? SEAN Dance? . MITCH Oh. Otherwise.. MITCH I don’t care. MITCH What are you doing? SEAN I don’t know. Sean stays. I guess. I’m crying because he tastes so good. MITCH Too bad about that stutter. JOHN Soon. MITCH Not sure why we have a gardener. and. I don’t care. SEAN Yeah. You’re the gardener’s son. You don’t understand. from the desert shall walk a lion. Leslie.

. Perhaps the moon is to blame. SEAN The moon is weird.super weird. Not at all what I expected. SEAN Blood. Uh. MITCH Sure. MITCH Yes.26. MITCH Weird? Why? SEAN I don’t know. you know. MITCH This has turned out to be a strange night. you know... SEAN Oh. Sean begins to dance. Sean keeps dancing as the lights fade.. cautiously at first. Pink as. Makes women crazy.. Tonight it’s weird and pink. MITCH Whatever you say. dance. I suppose the moon is quite. Just keep dancing..Okay. End of Play .

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