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Better Sex for Gay Men

Generally, were not taught how to be fantastic lovers.


We learn through experience.
In this booklet, weve gathered some of the best advice
from lots of gay men on what can make for great sex.
Its the stuff that they never taught you in sex education
at school! Weve also included tips that can help keep the
sex you have safe.
We know that not
everybody is going
to like the same
thing, but whether
youve just come
out or youve been
around the block a
few times, youre in
a relationship or
youre single, we
hope that there will
be something here
that you can use.

The more confident and


informed you are in sexual
situations, the easier it is for
you to stay in control of the
sex youre having.

Kissing

For lots of us, kissing is an important


part of sex. You can often tell a lot about
whether you click with someone sexually
from kissing them.
Everyone is different and there are no
hard and fast rules about kissing. Just
relax and respond to his reactions.

Hell probably appreciate it


if you have fresh breath. Avoid
cigarettes and strong foods like
garlic and onions.

Try varying speed and touch.


Start slowly, brushing your lips
over his, then part your lips
and go for a deeper kiss.
Use your hands to caress his
neck or cheek, hold the back
of his head, or play with other
parts of his body.
Playing with the ears really
turns some guys on so try
gently biting and licking the
ears and earlobes.

Wanking

Whether were wanking ourselves off,


or wanking someone else, theres more
to it than just grabbing hold and pulling.
There are no records of anyone catching
HIV from wanking so experimenting with
a few of the techniques here is pretty
much risk free.

No one has ever caught HIV


from kissing, no matter how
hard they went for it, so allow
yourself to get passionate and
smoochy.

You can pick up herpes and


glandular fever from kissing, so
avoid it if you or your partner
has visible cold sores around
the mouth.

Just dont overdo it and pull too hard or for too long or
you could end up irritating your cock and getting NSU an
infection of the urethra, which is the tube in your cock that
you piss or cum through.

Try some different techniques


on your partner. Wanking
doesnt have to just be foreplay
some guys like to wank each
other off rather than fuck.
The Five Finger put three or
four fingers on top of the shaft
at a diagonal with your dick,
placing your thumb below. This
lets you move your hand along
the entire length of your dick,
even if it isnt very large.

Talking

Talking about what we like


and dont like can be a big
part of sex whether its
flirting, foreplay, talking
dirty or discussing safer sex.

The Pen Grip this one is good


if you have a smaller penis.
Simply hold your dick like you
would a pen or pencil. This lets
you move along the dick more
than other grips but there is
less hand-to-dick contact.
The Backhand this is like a
backwards fist. Turn your wrist
so your thumb is pointing
down and grab your dick using
a fist. Its a little awkward at
first, but its an excellent grip
to use when you want to try
something a bit different.
If you get bored of those, you
can find a range of techniques
from the belly-smack to the
milker at www.jackinworld.com

For some, great sex happens with a regular partner they can
trust. Others find casual sex more exciting. Whichever you
prefer, be honest with yourself and with him. If you want love
and intimacy, youre unlikely to get it if you only have one
night stands.
Its down to you to take control of the sex
you have. Dont assume he knows what you
want. Be open about what you want to do
and what just isnt your thing.

Some men find talking dirty


a big turn on. When youre
having sex, give him lots of
feedback and take turns to
fulfil each others requests.

Remember, you have the right


to agree to, or refuse, any type
of sex with any adult. You also
have the right to change your
mind at any point if you have
agreed to something and then
choose not to do it.

Play

Theres more to sex than heading straight


for the bed and banging away.
Undress for him. Instead of tearing
each others clothes off, make
undressing an event. Take each item
off slowly and make him wait for the
full monty. By the time youre naked,
hell be desperate to get his hands
on you.

There are lots of ways to initiate safer sex.


When it looks like fucking is on the cards,
just ask have you got any condoms? or
say let me get the condoms to make it
clear that any sex needs to be protected.

Shower together. Water can


be a real turn on, plus youll
both be fresh and clean.

Tie him up. Some guys love being


dominated and some guys love to be in
charge. It doesnt have to be full-on SM
you could start by tying just his hands
loosely with a belt or a neck tie.

Play with his nipples. Lots of guys love


this as the nipples can be really sensitive.
Gently pinch them with your fingers, or try
licking and gently biting them. Dont be
too rough though as you can easily break
the skin.

20

Knowing how our cock and balls work,


and what to watch out for, can help us
improve the sex we have and look after
ourselves.
Foreskin
This covers and protects the sensitive
glans. It has lots of nerve endings so if
you have one, or your partner does, take
time to stroke, lick and play with it.
Glans
This is the sensitive head of the dick. The glans responds
to pressure, so try holding it in the palm of your hand and
close your hand gently over it, squeezing slowly. It also works
well when you suck it (someone elses that is, unless youre
extra flexible!), clamping it between your tongue and the roof
of your mouth.
Give each other a massage. For a simple massage, lay him on
his front and work your thumbs around the line of his shoulder
blades and down his spine, massaging the muscles on either side.
If youre getting a massage, give him lots of feedback and tell
him where you like to be touched. Remember, if youre using oils
be sure to wash them off thoroughly before fucking as they can
damage condoms.
Like wanking, the activities on the last four pages are very low
risk. If youre unlucky, you could pick up crabs or scabies or, if
youre extremely unlucky, its possible to catch warts, herpes or
syphilis from skin to skin contact.

Corona (the ridge around the


glans)
Its shape puts the nerves in a
handy place to be stimulated,
and is also useful for giving
your partner some pleasure
too! Try gently rubbing your
finger along the ridge of his
corona.
The foreskin, glans and corona
are all absorbent, so if you
fuck someone without a
condom, its possible for HIV
to pass through them into
your bloodstream.
Frenulum or frenum
This is the line of fine skin
that connects the foreskin to
the glans. It becomes very
sensitive when stretched
during a hard on. Try flicking
the tip of your tongue or the
pad of your thumb across the
frenulum for bonus bedroom
points.
Urethra
This carries piss and cum out of
your body. The thin tissue that
lines the urethra responds to
pressure and touch. Try gently
flicking your tongue over the
opening or gently squeeze the
dick closing the urethra.

Its possible for HIV to pass


through this thin tissue. If
the man being fucked has
HIV in his blood or anal
mucus, and the top fucks
him without a condom, the
blood and mucus can travel
into the tops urethra, where
it can be absorbed into the
bloodstream.

Corpora
cavernosa
Corpus
spongiosum

Seminiferous
tubules and
interstitial
tissue

Urethra

Corpus spongiosum
This is the erectile tissue
through which the urethra
passes, and it runs along the
base of the dick.
The urethra responds to
being rubbed and this is one
of the best places to rub it at
the base of the cock, behind
the balls or just in front of them.
Corpora cavernosa
These are two spongy cylinders
on either side of the dick that
fill with blood when youre
turned on to make the dick
erect.
Cowpers glands
These are two pea-sized glands
just under the prostate gland
that produce pre-cum.

Seminal vesicle

Vas deferens

Epididymis
Corona
Glans
Foreskin

Cowpers
glands

Frenulum

Scrotum

Scrotum
This is the pouch of skin that
holds the balls outside the
body to keep them at the best
temperature to produce sperm.
Some guys like to have their
scrotum played with during
sex. Its fairly resilient, so
can cope with being twisted,
squeezed and pulled. Just
take it easy and communicate
with your partner. Ask him if
he wants you to pull harder
dont just yank away.

Seminiferous tubules and


interstitial tissue
(tissue of your balls)
These produce sperm and
testosterone. The interstitial
tissue has very sensitive nerve
endings that respond to pain,
pressure, heat and cold.
Epididymis and vas deferens
These mature the sperm and
carry it to the urethra.
Seminal vesicle
This supplies about 55% of the
seminal fluid (cum).

Alternate hot and cold


sensations by rinsing your
mouth with a warm drink
and iced water in turn.

There are plenty of different positions


you could try, such as the classic 69
(either side by side or one on top of the
other) or kneeling down to give the guy
standing a blow job.

It is possible to get HIV from sucking cock


but the likelihood of this occurring is low.
Oral sex is a lot safer than getting fucked
because the throat is not as vulnerable to
infection as the arse. It is even safer if he
doesnt cum in your mouth.

Giving a blow job

By changing the amount and speed of sucking or licking, there


are lots of combinations you can come up with! Try starting slow
then get faster and alternate between deep and light touch.
The Drum gently wrap a thumb and index finger around his
balls to pull them gently away from his body, until you have
a sort of surface tension on the bit of his scrotum furthest
away from him. Then, starting gently, run your tongue in a
circle around this end area. Youll know when you are getting
it right from his reaction.
For a relaxed blow job, lie
back on a bed with your head
over the edge to take his dick
in your mouth this lets you
give a deeper blow job.

You can easily pick up some other


STIs, such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea,
herpes or syphilis, through oral sex.
These can be avoided by using a condom
for oral sex, although many men prefer
to take the risk than taste the rubber.
There is a small risk of picking up
Hepatitis B through oral sex. You can
get vaccinated to prevent this.

Breathe through your nose.


Exhale before taking his cock
in your mouth. It will increase
your oral capacity by about 33%.

Youll find it easier to avoid


gagging if you have plenty of
saliva. If your mouth feels dry,
have a glass of water handy.

Dont just use your mouth, use your


hand as well. You can use your hand as a
stopper to control the amount of cock you
take, as an improvised cock ring to keep
him really hard, to wank him as you work
him, or to play with his balls, arsehole,
nipples or perineum (the bit between his
balls and arsehole).

Drinking orange juice can


suppress the gag reflex. If you
feel like youre going to gag
when youve got a cock in your
mouth swallow. Dont worry,
it wont go down.

Alcohol tightens the throat


muscles so its best to avoid it
(especially spirits) if you want
to relax your throat.

A blow job doesnt have to


only involve the cock. There
are plenty of other sensitive
areas close by like his balls
and ball sac so try licking
those too.

Let him know what youre feeling and what you like. You can let
him know how much youre enjoying yourself by making grunts
or heavy breathing sounds that way hell know whats driving
you crazy with desire, and what just drives you crazy.
Dont thrust too hard,
especially not at first. His
mouth and throat will probably
take a while to get used to
your cock so start gently and
respond to the way he reacts.

Receiving a blow job

When some guys get a blow job, they just


want to lie back and enjoy it. If youre
hoping for a repeat service though, think
of ways to make the experience good for
the bloke whos going down on you too.

Most men are going to prefer


to suck a cock thats clean and
smells good. Wash carefully,
particularly if you have a
foreskin.

Nobody has ever


caught HIV from
getting a blow job.

You will be more vulnerable


to infections, including HIV, if
you have bleeding, scratched or
damaged gums, mouth ulcers or
a sore throat.

Avoid brushing your teeth


just before giving someone a
blow job, particularly if you
want him to cum in your mouth.

Dont use a mouthwash


before or immediately after
oral sex as this will remove
the protective properties that
saliva contains and so may
increase the risk of you getting
an STI.
If you visit a GU clinic
regularly, you can check if
youve picked up an infection
and get it treated. To find your
nearest clinic, visit
www.gmfa.org.uk/clinics

Rimming is licking someones arsehole. Some guys like rimming


or getting rimmed, while others steer clear. There is no evidence
that anyone has caught HIV from rimming, although there is a
risk of catching Hepatitis A and gonorrhoea, as well as a number
of gut infections. These risks can be prevented by using a dental
dam, although not many guys use them. You can get vaccinated
against Hepatitis A at your GU clinic.

Knowing how our bodies work what


can happen when we have sex, how to
look after our bodies and how to keep
them working can help us enjoy anal
sex more.

Chemicals or spermicidal
lubricant, such as Nonoxynol 9,
easily irritate the lining of
the rectum, making it more
vulnerable to infection.
Sphincters
The sphincter muscles stop you
from shitting when you dont
want to and can stop things
from getting up your arse too.
The external sphincter can feel
sensations of hot and cold,
expansion and touch, and we
can learn to tense and relax
this muscle at will.

The rectum does


not have to be
damaged to be
vulnerable to HIV
and other infections.
However, damage
does increase the
risk of transmission.

Anal pillows
The anal pillows inflate with
blood to prevent shit from
coming out of your arse when
you dont want it to and to
prevent things going up your
arse too.

The veins that supply the blood


to the pillows are the ones that
can become piles (also called
Anal canal
haemorrhoids). These pillows
This short tube-like canal is the place large quantities of blood
final passageway in the passing in your arse and account for
of shit. It absorbs fluids into
the blood sometimes found
your bloodstream, which is
during or after anal sex.
why the arse is so vulnerable
Rectum
to HIV. If it is damaged (from
This is the last section of the
douching, dildos, or even just
intestines which, along with
from fucking), your arse will
be more vulnerable to HIV and the colon above it, absorbs
excess water from your shit.
other infections.
The anal canal contains anal
mucus, a fluid that has high
concentrations of HIV in HIVpositive men. So if you have
HIV, you can pass it on to a
guy if he fucks you without
a condom.

This part of your arse is like a


sponge. If a man cums inside
the rectum, any virus in his
cum, such as HIV, is easily
absorbed into his partners
bloodstream.

Rectum
Prostate gland
Pubo-rectal sling
Sphincters

Anal canal
Anal pillows

Pubo-rectal sling
This is a strong supportive
muscle that creates the first
curve in the rectum. When
theres pressure or poking, it
can clamp down to close the
rectum, which can be painful
when getting fucked, fingered
or played with.
To help avoid this, try a
position that straightens out
the rectum a bit, such as
squatting down over the cock,
lying on your back or your side
with your knees drawn up to
your chest, or on your knees,
bringing your chest close to the
bed or floor.

Prostate gland
The prostate gland produces
fluids that are added to cum
and it also helps control the
flow of piss. A lot of the
pleasure we can feel when
getting fucked comes from
the cock rubbing against the
prostate, and for this reason
it is often referred to as the
male g-spot.
To find this spot, insert a
well-lubricated finger into the
arsehole and curl it up away
from the back towards the
cock. The prostate is there
about an inch and a half in.
It feels warm, rubbery and
smooth. Flick or run the tip of
your finger crossways against
the prostate. This is usually
intensely pleasurable!

For more information about your arse, visit


www.gmfa.org.uk/knowyourarse

Starting out

Not all sex includes fucking. Some guys


just arent into anal sex, while others love
it. If you do fuck, its worth learning a few
techniques to make it more pleasurable for
you and for him.

Having lots of partners


doesnt necessarily make you
better at fucking. You can
get great experience with a
regular partner. Even when
you use condoms, having
fewer partners can reduce
the risk of getting or passing
on HIV.

If you fuck, condoms used with plenty of water- or siliconebased lube is the surest way to protect you or your partner
against HIV infection and many other STIs too.
Condoms, when used effectively, will prevent exposure to HIV as
they will stop bodily fluids (such as cum or anal mucus) that may
contain HIV from getting into another guys bloodstream through
mucous membranes (in the arse, foreskin, urethra and head of
the penis).

Avoid using any lube with Nonoxynol 9 in it


as it can irritate the lining of the arse, and
this can make transmission of HIV easier.

Standard strength condoms, used


properly, are just as reliable for anal sex
as the thicker ones. This means that there
is a wide variety of condoms that gay men
can choose from. You can get condoms
in different shapes and sizes, as well as
different thicknesses.

For more information on which condoms to use, how to use


them, and where to get them, visit www.gmfa.org.uk/condoms

How to fuck

The first time you fuck someone, you may


be a little anxious. This can sometimes
make your erection less hard than usual.
If you have problems with your erection,
do something else, like kissing, for a while.

If he sounds like hes in pain, move


slower. Most guys like a change in rhythm
now and then, so variation is good but if
hes screaming with joy, keep doing what
youre doing!

Unless a guy is relaxed, getting fucked


can be painful. Foreplay will make it
much more comfortable. This can include
rimming or gentle fingering and plenty
of lube and patience.

Try different angles and positions to


stimulate his prostate. Its about an inch
and a half inside his arsehole and is often
called the male g-spot!

Dont just charge in there and pound


away. Guide your cock in gently and listen
to his reactions. Be patient while he gets
used to how it feels.

Different men like different


things. If you both talk about
what you want, it puts you
in control of the sex you have
and makes it more enjoyable.

How to get fucked

Getting fucked shouldnt be painful. It can be if youre not


relaxed. Some guys find it easier to relax if they know and trust
the person fucking them. This might be a boyfriend or a regular
partner.
Take your time and make sure
you feel comfortable, physically
and emotionally. If youre
feeling tense or pressured, its
going to be harder for you to
enjoy yourself.

If youre struggling to get


his cock in, try clenching your
sphincter muscles around it,
and then letting them relax.
Deep breathing can help relax
the arse too.

Setting boundaries for yourself


allows you to be in control of
the sex you have. If you know
what youre prepared to do, it
will be easier to stick to the sex
you want.
Get to know the different feelings of being fucked. When
anything goes into your arse (a cock, dildo, finger), the brain
reacts as if the rectum is full of shit, even when it is not.
If you get this sensation when a cock is going in your arse,
relax and remind yourself that its OK your arse is full, but
only with cock.
Getting fucked can also make you feel
like you need to take a piss, particularly
if you get fucked while on your back. If
your bladder is empty, you will probably
find that using a different position will
make a difference.

Experimenting with dildos or butt plugs can be a good way to


learn what you like. However, using sex toys such as dildos and
butt plugs on more than one person can lead to the transmission
of HIV, Hepatitis A, B and C, and other STIs. The easiest way to
avoid the risk is not to share sex toys. If using a dildo, you can
also use a condom to cover it, and change the condom between
partners.
A healthy rectum usually only contains
shit when the bowel is full and so there
is little need to wash it out. If you do
douche, only ever use plain, clean water,
preferably at body temperature.
Douching can irritate the lining of
the arse, making it more vulnerable to
infections. You shouldnt use antiseptics,
disinfectants or anything else in a douche,
as they can all irritate the lining of the
arse even more.

Most gay men who have HIV caught it


from getting fucked without a condom.
As far as gay sex goes, getting fucked
without a condom is the riskiest thing
you can do. This is because the lining
of the arse can absorb HIV directly into
your bloodstream.

Positions

Different guys like different positions so


its worth experimenting. If youve been
fucked, you can think about what you
enjoyed and try that out on the guy you
want to fuck. Not everyone is the same
but its a good place to start.

If youre doing the fucking,


remember to listen to his
reactions or ask him if he likes
it. Some positions may be
uncomfortable for you or him.

If youre being fucked, any


position where your knees are
bent and drawn into your chest
(whether you are kneeling,
lying on your back or on your
side) will probably lead to a
more comfortable fuck. This
position will allow smoother
entry to the arse.

Condoms provide an effective barrier


against most STIs, including HIV,
although some STIs, such as syphilis
and warts, can still be transmitted if
the condom does not cover the entire
infected area, such as the base of
the cock.
If you visit a GU clinic regularly, you can check if youve
picked up an infection and get it treated. To find your
nearest clinic, visit www.gmfa.org.uk/clinics

Whether its standing,


kneeling, sitting or lying
down, there are lots of
positions to choose from.
Here are some ideas to get
you started:

Laid back The top lies down, face up.


The bottom is on top, lying back with
his legs underneath for support. This is
a relaxed position for both partners and
theres good access to the bottoms cock.
The bottom has plenty of control so if
its your first time being fucked, this is
ideal. Its not great for thrusting and can
be uncomfortable if the top has a steeply
angled erection, plus you cant kiss.
Most doctors believe that viral load has
a large impact on how infectious an
HIV-positive person is. If someone was
recently infected with HIV or they are
not on treatment for HIV, they are likely
to have a higher viral load, which means
they are more infectious. Someone with an
undetectable viral load in their blood may
still have high levels of virus in their cum,
pre-cum or anal mucus, so its possible for
them to pass on HIV if they fuck or get
fucked without a condom.

The stack or Sunny side up The top lies on his back,


face up, and the bottom lies face up on top. This ones good for
playing with the bottoms nipples, cock and for biting his ears.
The bottom has a lot of control over speed and depth, plus its
easy to move into other positions like spooning and the face
down spread eagle. However, its not great for thrusting by the
top and you cant really kiss.

The butterfly The top


sits or kneels and pushes his
hips forward while the bottom
sits or kneels across him. The
bottom can control the depth
and speed of thrusts, while the
top can wank him.

If you are infected with


an STI, it will increase the
chances of you becoming
infected with HIV if you
are HIV-negative and fuck
or get fucked by an HIVpositive partner.

If youre having group sex,


use a new condom for each
partner if you fuck.
This prevents viruses such
as HIV or Hepatitis C being
passed from one bottom
to another.

Spooning Both partners lie on their


sides with the top behind. This one can be
lazy, gentle and intimate, and the top can
play with the bottoms cock. The bottom
can vary how deep the cock goes, so its
good if its your first time getting fucked.

If you are HIV-negative and


you fuck someone without
a condom, HIV can get into
your bloodstream through
your cock. Anal mucus that
lines the arse can contain
high levels of HIV, so his arse
doesnt have to be bleeding or
damaged to pass on the virus.

Spread eagle The top is on top while the bottom lies


with his arms and legs spread, face down and flat against
the surface. The bottom can just lie there, let go and
enjoy the experience. The top has loads of room to move
and can easily vary the speed, depth and strength of his
strokes. The bottom doesnt have much control and cant
wank or be wanked off. Theres lots of skin contact though
and its ideal for slow, gentle fucking.

The anti-social straddle The top lies on his back.

The bottom faces away, kneeling or squatting on his partners


cock. The bottom has lots of control and can get really deep
penetration. The top can just lie back and enjoy. If the top
has a cock that normally points upwards, it may hurt when
angled the other way.

If you are HIV-positive and have an


STI, it is likely that there will be higher
concentrations of HIV in all of your body
fluids, including blood, cum and anal
mucus, and so you will be more infectious.

Booklets

Booklets offering sexual health information and advice can be


picked up free from racks in gay venues around London. They
can also be downloaded at: www.gmfa.org.uk/booklets

Magazine

HELP

Where can I get more information?


There are many services in London that offer support to help you
have safer sex. A full guide to services in London is available at:
www.gmfa.org.uk/londonservices

FS (the fit and sexy gay mans health magazine) is full of


information and advice about sex, relationships, drugs and HIV.
It is available free in gay venues every other month.

Condoms

You can get free condoms and lube in London from many gay
bars, clubs and saunas. You can buy very good value condoms
and lube online from: www.freedoms-shop.nhs.uk

Web

Information about HIV and safer sex can be found at:


www.gmfa.org.uk/sex

Helpline

London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard: 020 7837 7324


THT Direct: 0845 12 21 200

One-to-one

2010 GMFA
the gay mens health charity
Charity number: 1076854
Company limited by guarantee:
2702133

Free counselling, mentoring and health trainer services are


provided by the GMI Partnership. For further information or to
book appointments, call 020 7160 0941,
email info@gmipartnership.org.uk
or visit: www.gmipartnership.org.uk

The information in this booklet


was correct on 1 July 2010.

Groupwork

All photographs posed by


models. No inference can or
should be made about their
HIV or other infection status.

There are lots of different groups and courses for gay men in London
offered by PACE, THT and GMFA. They are advertised regularly in
the gay press or you can visit: www.gmfa.org.uk/gwk

Design: no.star
Photography: James Stafford

This resource is funded by the


Pan London HIV Prevention
Programme.
We want to keep improving the
quality of our booklets. Please
fill in the questionnaire in
the back of this booklet. The
results of the survey will help
us refine the information we
provide in the future.
To express your views on HIV
services in London, go to:
www.ergoclear.com/express

GMFA projects are developed by


positive and negative volunteers.
To volunteer or donate, call
020 7738 6872 or go to:
www.gmfa.org.uk/aboutgmfa