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Episode 902
Written by
Trey Parker

[An elderly woman's home. Cartman rings her doorbell,
and she
answers it. Cartman is dressed in an orange hazmat suit
and is
carrying a tank of something on his back]
Hello, ma'am. I'm working to clean up
the neighborhood from parasites. Do
you mind if I take a quick look around
your house? I'm afraid you may have
Yeah, they've been poppin' up all over
the neighborhood lately. Ms. Nelson
next door had seven hippies in her basement;
they usually live in colonies. Hm,
I don't like the sound of that. Could
I take a look in your attic?
[The attic. He opens the door and looks in. He gets out
a flashlight,
turns it on, and looks around again. He stops after a
few seconds.]
Oh yeah, boy. Take a look at this, ma'am.
See that? Hippies.
Oh my.

These are what we call the uh giggling
stoners. Pretty common form of hippie,
usually found in the attics. Problem
is, if you see one hippie, there's probably
a whole lot more you're not seein'.
Uh, whe-where's the backyard.
[The backyard. The elderly lady opens the door and
Cartman walks
out onto the back porch]
Yep, that's what I thought. See that?
You've got a drum circle in your backyard.
Oh, well they showed up a few days ago,
but I didn't think they were hurting
Yeah. You know, I had a guy in Jackson
county. He had a little drum circle
in his backyard. It turned into a drum
circle four miles in diameter. You get
a few hippies playing drums and next
thing you know, you got yourself a colony.
Oh dear.
[back inside the house]
Oh, well, so, so what do I do?
Well, your attic could be so we can
fumigate with polymerethane. The drum
circle we're gonna have to gas. Goddamnit!
Whoa, how did I get here? Man, I'm
so high.
Goddamn hippie!

day. On the back window is a decal which says "University of Colorado at Boulder" Three men and three women step out of the car] DRIVER Wow. or soon they're gonna attract something much worse! ELDERLY WOMAN Ooooo. my friend Brittany was right. Hello. I need to clear out your giggling stoners and your drum-cricle hippies RIGHT NOW. Would you like to help young people like us by purchasing a subscription of your choice? DRIVER Oh wow. you guys shouldn't be doing that.whataya mean? MAN 1 . STAN All right. 'Scuse me. WOMAN 1 Yeah. let's ask them. we are selling magazine subscriptions for our community youth program. Don't you know what you're doing to the world? KYLE Wha. this will be a great place to spend spring break. This is a really laid-back place. dude! CARTMAN Get out of here! Not cool! HIPPIE 1 What's up?! CARTMAN Ma'am. KYLE Hey. [The neighborhood.Whoa. A red car pulls up to the curb.what's that? CARTMAN The college know-it-all hippies.

. That's why the corporations are trying to use you to take it down. We'll fill you in on everything you haven't been told. DRIVER We just spent our first semester at college. KYLE Ugh! Those dirty liars! KENNY (Sonofabitch!) MAN 2 This is a really nice town you have here. the corporations are trying to turn you into little Eichmanns so that they can make money. Our professors opened our eyes. STAN Who are the corporations? WOMAN 2 The corporations run the entire world. STAN Are you serious?? We never heard that. He's gathered a bunch of hippies in there and one of them pounds the door to get out] HIPPIE 2 It is time to let us out! I'm sending your names! Open this door right now! CARTMAN .You're playing into the corporate game! See. And now they fooled you into working for them. STAN Well. [Cartman's basement. The government is using its corporate ties to make you sell magazines so they can get rich.. Well what do we do? DRIVER Just hang with us for a bit.

Somebody's gotta help this world o'mine.. Get back or you're all gonna get maced! HIPPIE 2 What's up.All right. all right? Here. man?! HIPPIE 3 Let us out! CARTMAN Get back. and a guitar! SINGER What's goin' on in this world o'mine? There's a whole lot of killin' in this world o'mine. man?! You can't keep us down here like this! HIPPIE 4 What's wrong with you?! CARTMAN What's wrong is that there's more of you showing up every day and I need to find out why! HIPPIE 5 What makes you think you could tell us where to live?! HIPPIE 6 This is a free country. in you go. man! CARTMAN Brah. [Stan's house. HIPPIE 2 What are you doing. I'm not gonna argue with you. here's some joints . He's sitting at the edge . all right? Just go with it. HIPPIE 3 Just go with it? We've been down here for days! CARTMAN And you're gonna be here a little longer. at about the same time.. brah.

we have got to do somethin' about all these potholes on our roads! LINDA STOTCH We don't have it in the budget to fix them right now. City Council meeting. the mall is a way for the corporate fatcats to imprison you into a life of servitude. KYLE'S FATHER We'll wish we spent the money when we have a lawsuit on our hands. Sign Done something to my mind. CHEF Mayor.of the porch playing a guitar quietly. SHARON Okay. sweetie. sweetie.] MAYOR MCDANIELS All right. we can move onto issue number 14B. people. sign everywhere. [City Hall. we're gonna go to the mall. Do you wanna come? STAN Mom. SHARON Stan. with leading citizens of the town sitting on either side. I have to talk to you all right now! . I've got some stuff you should read. CHEF WeGUARD You can't go in there! CARTMAN Please. Mayor McDaniels is seated at the head of a boardroom table. On his cap he wears a peace sign] STAN Sign.

CARTMAN Mayor. and if you all don't give me a moment of your time. they will all pale in comparison to what we're looking at now.. Reggae on the River. at a rate of two hippies per hour. and here. something very big is happening. what the hell are you talking about? CARTMAN I know hippies. Three new drum circles have sprouted up here. At first I thought maybe it was just a coincidence. even weeks. For the past several days I've been. if you will. Burning Man. Look: When hippies start to nest in a new area. MAYOR MCDANIELS Kid.. One that last for days. They're all growing in diameter. I've kept this town free of .. They'er thriving. there may be no more South Park to council over! RANDY What are you talking about? CARTMAN I'm talking about the end of all life as we know it. LINDA A what? CARTMAN Ti's...MAYOR MCDANIELS Kid. it can lead to a music festival. In my professional opinion. is that the hippies are conglomerating. noticing a steep rise in the number of hippies coming to town. I think that they're setting up for a. hippie music festival. I've hated them all my life.. Then I saw this. it draws other hippies in.. it's simple science. we're have a city council meeting.. What this means.. .. here. Woodstock. I think we're looking at a full-blown hippie jam festival the size of which we've never seen. With the right weather conditions and topography.

the corporations take their profits and invest it in the war machine while keeping everyone blind. draw everyone here. what the hell are you doing?! . so my idea was this: Let's have like a weeklong music festival. so how do we get back at them? KYLE Yeah. It's potheads. I know what these people are capable of.. get him out of here. what the hell?! CARTMAN I knew you were trying to have a hippie jam festival! All right. and then together.. Whoa. DRIVER Well. everyone pack up your crap. we're going to our basement! KYLE Cartman. m'kay. CARTMAN What are you doing?! You have to listen to me! You can't sweep this problem under the rug! The town is in serious danger! [A park in town. But I can't contain them on my own anymore. STAN Right. we're.hippies on my own since I was five and a half. MAYOR MCDANIELS Johnson. CARTMAN It's not potholes you need to worry about. We have to do something. fast! COUNSELOR MACKEY Uh. The college hippies sit at a table. we're talkin' about potholes right now. we can tear it all down. and on it] DRIVER You see. we're pissed off. Eric.

OFFICER BARBRADY Eric Cartman. you are under arrest. just as I predicted. we have to find them! . not you guys? What happened? Were you bit? Did you eat their brownies? DID YOU EAT THEIR BROWNIES?! STAN NO! CARTMAN Listen. you're just in time. These college know-it-all hippies were setting up for a music festival. you're my friends.CARTMAN Oh Jesus. little Eichmann. Officer Barbrady. CARTMAN You let them out?! Jesus. WOMAN 2 Oh my God! MAN 2 What the hell are you doing?! CARTMAN Everybody get in a single-file line! OFFICER BARBRADY There you are! CARTMAN Ah. CARTMAN What? OFFICER BARBRADY I was just over at your house and freed sixty-three people you had locked in your basement. but if you've been comprimised. I'll have no problem taking you out! I'll expect the same from you. MAN 1 What is your problem? Get lost.

you're coming downtown! CARTMAN No! No.OFFICER BARBRADY Oh no. Their little "festival" should pump some money into our economy. Gee whiz. they're HIPPIES! MAYOR MCDANIELS. confused] CARTMAN What did I do?! OFFICER BARBRADY You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement. CARTMAN They're not people. Cartman is in jail. I signed the permit.. we have to stop them! You know how we-?! We gotta stop them! Hebbiaaay! DRIVER Who was that? [South Park Police Dept. CARTMAN They're hippies! They don't HAVE any money! Does the city council know about this?! MAYOR MCDANIELS . CARTMAN You. You what? MAYOR MCDANIELS I signed a permit allowing them to have their concert here. Mayor. I confirmed the data! The hippies are going to have a massive jam band concert! MAYOR MCDANIELS I know. Is this problem under control? OFFICER BARBRADY I handled it. CARTMAN Mayor! Mayor..

I can sign whatever permit I want! CARTMAN You just SOLD OUT OUR TOWN! That kid really needs some psychiatric help. welcome to Hippie Jam Fest 2005! Sooo great to see sooo many people turn out to make an impact on on the world! STAN Yeah! KYLE You said it! MC For too long. The event is said to be the largest such gathering in the history of man. the corporations have bled the world of its love and resources! It is time for us to get to work and make the world a better place! And we'reg onna start right now. I can't wait to see the look on those little Eichmanns' faces when . MC All right. Mayor?! How many people's lives it it all worth?! GODDAMNED HIPPIE! [Breaking News] ANNOUNCER This is a South Park News special report! ANCHORMAN Thousands of people have descended on South Park for a hippie music jam festival. let's go. MAYOR MCDANIELS All right. CARTMAN How much money is enough. OFFICER BARBRADY Yeah.They don't have to know. MAN 1 Oh man.

Sharon turns and bares her tits and Randy dances so hard he gets dizzy and throws up. too. Randy jumps into view and yells like a barbarian. I mean.Oh my God. we were the same way once. Sharon? We actually did something there. Sharon and Randy run into each other in the kitchen] RANDY Sharon. Our son is with those people. Jesus.. Don't forget that we were both considered hippies back in the '60s. They consider how such activity would be seen these days. have..they hear this crunchy groove. [The Marsh house. but when we did it we actually stood for something. 1969. RANDY Yeah. [Flash back to Woodstock. STAAAN! [Breaking News] . remember Woodstock. Sharon jumps into view and they both dance around. a crowd scene quite similar to the current one. Randy..] SHARON You ate too much acid. RANDY Oh. RANDY S-stan. what has gotten into that kid?! SHARON Now..] SHARON . have you seen Stan? SHARON He went with his friends to that music festival. man! [Flash forward to the present.

ANNOUNCER This is South Park News! ANCHORMAN Fear and horror in South Park today as the music festival continues to grow. please! JIMBO Randy! Randy. the crowd just keeps getting bigger and the town is literally bursting at the seams. but. Music is heard outside. They're arriving in droves and apparently no end is in sight. REPORTER Tom. . It's all good. you've got to get out of here! If they just trample this park. Linda and Steven hug each other before the TV as they watch the news brief. Gerald opens the door and looks out to see hippies milling on his front lawn. A view from a long distance shows just how big the crowd has gotten. then another shot shows the heart of the festival. and screams. it's very close to consuming us all. FEMALE HIPPIE Have some water laced with acid. Randy is seen looking for his son] RANDY Stan?! Stan?! I need to get through.] LINDA Steven. We don't know where this music festival came from. what do we do? [Kyle's house. we'll be trapped! It's too dangerous! RANDY My son is in there! Duh-uh! Stan! Stan! Stan?! MALE HIPPIE Heey. [Butters' house. chill man.

About the hippies. Could you.RANDY Sta-ogh. you were right.] MAYOR MCDANIELS What have I done? MC Yeah. having nothing to do. KYLE'S FATHER Please. We apologise. The Mayor looks at the festival from her office window. Some of our kids are in there.. RANDY Eric. Eric! They're out of control! CARTMAN Forget it. Don't let them ruin our town. Ugh! [City Hall. The town's adults are on the other side. KYLE'S MOTHER We we need to take care of them. uh. We should've listened to you earlier. get rid of them for us now? CARTMAN Let me guess: they've started a hippie jam band music festival. South Park is now the hippie capital of the world! [South Park Police Department. CHEF Yeah. He senses he's not alone and looks towards the cell door. Cartman relaxes in his cell. . I love crapping in a toilet with no rim on it.] COUNSELOR MACKEY Uh huh hi Eric. RANDY Please.. how's it goin'? CARTMAN Great.

But now listen up and listen good! I've never tried to get rid of this many hippies before.Unless of course it's the new Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer. RANDY It's yours.why you're the smartest kid in school. And I get to drive it around in the school parking lot. CARTMAN Don't think that you can buy me with presents! . CARTMAN All right. JIMBO Anything else? CARTMAN Yes.. Wha. so I'm gonna need every resource this town .Oh yes! Fine! We'll force Kyle to watch you. there's too many of them now! COUNSELOR MACKEY We know you can do it. we can promise not to buy one for Kyle. and baked you a cake. The whole town even got together and. You're smart. Eric. but we we can't make him watch you play th. CARTMAN I want the batteries for it too. fine.CARTMAN It's too late! Even if I did agree to help. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Fine. Kyle doesn't get to have one! Ever! And he has to watch me drive mine around the school parking lot and get super-jealous! KYLE'S MOTHER Well. m'kay? RANDY We're just asking you to try..

Dude. When do we start taking down the corporations? MAN 1 Yeah man. I need more weed. The crowd has grown so big the camera has to pull back a loooong way to get it all into view. Let's go get 'em. I still get the Tonka radio-controlled bulldozer and get to play with it in the school parking lot where Kyle has to watch me and get super-jealous because he doesn't have one! Are we clear?! [The music festival.has! And even if I don't succeed. The boys are again present with the college hippies.] DRIVER Wow. Right now they're raping the world for money! KYLE Yeah. A-and one guy who like. this band is so crunchy. we'll have one guy who like. MAN 1 Yeah. l-looks out for other people's safety. who like. can't you imagine a place where people live together and like. STAN So it seems like we have enough people now. We don't need money. the corporations. makes bread. The band is playing reggae music. and it's a million-to-one shot that I will. This can become a commune where everyone just helps each other. MAN 2 Right now we're proving we don't need corporations. day 6. where are they. provide services for each other in exchange . STAN You mean like a baker and a cop? MAN 2 No no. so.

for their services? KYLE Yeah. Cartman and the adults are meeting there. they should disperse just before they consume us all. night. it's called a town.. I've designed a vehicle that can bore its way through even the densest hippie crowd. kid. JIMBO Nice plan. CARTMAN In less than three days. STEVEN Yuh. If everything works. RANDY My God. all of South Park will be completely consumed.. except there's one giant flaw. everyone listen up! The hippie jam band festival is now fourteen miles in diameter and five hundred thousand hippies thick. here. That hippie crowd is massive! How the hell are we supposed to get through it and reach the stage? CARTMAN We drill. DRIVER You kids just haven't been to college yet. [Park County Community Center. actually suggesting that somebody drives right into the heart of that mob?? It's a suicide mission! . My only hope is to fight our way to the center of the crowd. Hippies can't stand death metal. this thing is about to get HUGE.. and reach the heart. If we can reach the stage. But just you wait. we can upload this Slayer CD into their music system. Cartman stands next to an easel with various pictures on a tabloid-size book] CARTMAN All right.. They pilots inside will be safe from the pot smoke and the crappy music outside.

and of Steven?! Damnit. no! LINDA I have to do it. day 6.. let's see. CARTMAN All right. yeah! I get it! Fine! STEVEN I I can't believe we're actually listening to this. I know. Lessee.CARTMAN Not just somebody. it's a long shot! But it's also the only shot we. anyone who meets the qualifications. a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. only scientist in town. I need a complete team to operate this vehicle. Steven. STEVEN Honey. LINDA I'm your engineer. RANDY I'm the. The camera pans across the site and stops where the townsfolk stand around the vehicle] [New report] . anyone would do. Along with me I'm gonna need a scientest. an engineer. [The music festival.. then we just need a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. my son is in there! CARTMAN There's no more time for ideas! We have to have this vehicle up and operational in less than three days! Look.. This is a crazy plan! RANDY You got a better ides. Oh.. How aboutCHEF Yeah.

KYLE'S MOTHER Look out for yourselves! MRS. CARTMAN I. We're coming up on the outer perimeter of the hippies. SHARON Please. where a desparate attempt to save the town is underway. GARRISON Godspeed! [Inside the digger] CARTMAN Primary engine running? RANDY Check. BUTTERS Ah I will. don't want you to worry about me. Colorado. . if anything happens to Mommy. Hey! You're the best stuffed animal I've ever had. Clyde Frog..REPORTER Tom. RAMDU Well I. Mom. but the heroic men and women of the hippie digger may be our only hope of survival. LINDA Butters. Some call it a suicide mission. CHEF Now. save our boy. I. I want you to be a good boy.. CARTMAN Navigation systems? LINDA Online CARTMAN Let's punch this baby. Sharon. Randy. I'm standing in South Park. guess this is it. now. ladies. Everything's gonna be fine. don't cry...

They're bored.Hang on. The boys are in front of the stage sitting on throw rugs.] STAN All right. they s. Townsfolk mill around inside] JIMBO They're in! TOWNSFOLK All right! All right. Somethin's wrong. . woo! [Inside the digger] CARTMAN Switching to secondary fuel line. Hoohoo. yeah! We did it! MAYOR MCDANIELS All right. I can't take it anymore! I'm getting on that stage! KYLE You're doing what? GUARD Hey. that? What's RANDY The drill is getting too hot from all the hippies. people. Hull RANDY Vehicle shell holding! [A command center nearby. let's save it! They still have a long way to go! [The music festival. Townsfolk mill around inside] MAYOR MCDANIELS What's happened? COUNSELOR MACKEY They. [The command center nearby. you can't go up there.they stopped. status? Reaching hippie crowd.

can I have your attention please? What are we doing? It's been nine days! Doesn't it seem like we should accomplish something? A HIPPIE We're using the power of rock and roll to change the world! Woo! STAN Maybe instead of complaining about corporations being selfish. RANDY Somebody's gonna have to go outside and activate the backup boosters.STEVEN Jesus.. Excuse me. we should lookt I mean. [The music festival. excuse me. [Inside the digger. come on! LINDA It's useless. the crew tries to start it up again. CARTMAN No. The main power line has been shut down. The digger is dead. Stan approaches the mic] STAN Uh. is there anything more than doing nothing but getting and listening to music all day at ourselves. selfish high long? SINGER He's right.] CARTMAN Come on. I'm not gonna let you go out there! CHEF .. they're dead in the water. Chef. It's time for all of us to focus our energy and get this hippie jam into full swing.

More tunes! LINDA We made it. Let's get out of here. Chef makes his way through the crowd to the booster switch and turns it on. Kyle seems to be saying something... We're going to Plan B.I didn't volunteer! CARTMAN .. but what it is we don't hear.] STAN Dude. STAN What?? You mean. There's a wall of people like seven miles thick behind us. go! CHEF . man? MAN 1 More tunes.All right. KYLE We can't. We made it! CARTMAN Hit the PA system NOW! main line! RANDY Put me in the . we're stuck here listening to this crap? MAN 2 Hey. these people have no idea what's going on. The Mayor takes command] MAYOR MCDANIELS That's it. The digger revs up and zooms towards the stage.. what happened to the tunes. fine Chef.... Nuke the crowd! STEVEN Goddamnit no! Y-you have to give them more time! [The music festival. Kenny just checked.Aw damnit! [The command center nearby.

MAN 2 This is killing my buzz. MAN 1 Let's bail on this whole angry scene. GARRISON We did it! We did it! [The music festival.Which cord is it? CARTMAN You're the scientist. not cool. jackass! RANDY I'm a geologist! LINDA We don't have time to argue! They're gonna nuke us! RANDY Nyugh! CARTMAN Put them in my laptop! A HIPPIE Oh man. it's working! [The command center.] MRS. RANDY It's working! LINDA What? RANDY It's. Stan sees his father] STAN Dad! RANDY Stan! CHEF . HIPPIE 3 This music is so angry.

Y-you don't have to kill us. Kyle! KYLE Whoa. Cartman. Oh.I'm alive! CARTMAN Hold it right there. I have much bigger plans for you now. this is awesome! Weeeee! Oh here. check it out! Cooool! THE END . We aren't gonna be hippies anymore. Cartman has the scoop haul some rocks from one pile to another] CARTMAN Hoho! Aw man. you wanna play with it a little while. Kyle. Oh. psych! You don't get to! Hehe. CARTMAN Kill you? Oh no. [South Park Elementary's parking lot. Kyle sits on the curb watching Cartman play with his Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer.