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Part one

Sherlock Holmes did not like aimless physical exercise, but one spring day I
persuaded him to go for a walk with me in the park. We walked for two hours, and
it was almost five when we returned to Baker Street.
'I beg your pardon, sir,' said our page-boy, as we entered, 'there was a man
waiting for you. He was a very restless gentleman. He walked all around the room
saying, "Isn't Mr Holmes going to return?" Finally he left.'
'You see,' Holmes said to me, 'I needed a case, and now I have lost this one
because we went for a walk in the park.'
'Hullo! That's not your pipe on the table. Well, that man must have a very big
problem because he left his pipe. It is obvious that he likes this particular pipe very
'How do you know that he likes it very much?' I asked.
'Well,' explained Holmes, 'I think this pipe costs around seven-and-sixpence.
Now. look it has been mended twice with silver bands that probably cost more than
the pipe itself. So, this man must like his pipe very much if he prefers to mend it
instead of buying a new one with the same money.'
Just then, as Holmes was talking, we heard someone walking up the stairs,
and then a man walked into the room without knocking.
'I beg your pardon,' said the man, 'I should have knocked, but I am very
upset, and I need help.'
The man then took off his hat, and sat down on a chair.
'My dear Mr Grant Munro...' began Holmes.
Our visitor jumped from his chair. 'What!' he cried. 'You know my name?'
'If you want to preserve your incognito,' said Holmes smiling, 'then you
should not write your name on the inside of your hat, or else you should turn the
inside of your hat away from the person whom you are addressing.'
'Anyway, my friend and I have heard many strange secrets in this room, and
we have had the fortune to help many people. Please tell us the facts of your case.'
'The facts are these, Mr Holmes,' he said. 'I have been married for three
years, and my wife and I were very happy until last Monday. Suddenly a barrier
appeared between us, and she has become like a stranger to me. I want to know
why. But, Mr Holmes, I am sure that my wife loves me.'
'Please let me have the facts, Mr Munro,' said Holmes, with some
'Effie, my wife was a young widow only twenty-five years old, when I met
her. Her name then was Mrs Hebron. She went to America when she was very
young and lived in the town of Atlanta, where she married a man called Hebron
who was a lawyer. They had one child, but there was a yellow fever epidemic

there, and both her husband and child died of it. I have seen his death certificate.
After this tragedy, she decided to leave America, and come back to England to live
with her aunt.
'I should also mention that her husband left her a large amount of money.
This money was invested, and she can live very well with the income from it. She
met me after six months in England. We fell in love with each other, and we
married a few weeks afterwards.
'I am a hop merchant, and I, too, have a good income. We rented a nice
house in the country near Norbury. There is an inn and two houses near our house,
and a single cottage across the field in front of our house. Until this recent incident
my wife and I lived very happily there.
'There is one more thing I should tell you. When we married, my wife put all
her money in my name. I did not think this was a good idea, but she insisted. Well,
about six weeks ago she came and asked me for some.
'"Jack," she said, "when you took my money you said that if I ever wanted
some, I should just ask you."
'"Certainly," I said, "it's your money. How much do you want?"
'"One hundred pounds," I she said.
'"What for?" I asked, very surprised by the large amount.
'"Oh," she said playfully, "you said that you were only my banker, and
bankers never ask questions, you know."
'I was not happy about this because this was the first time that there was a
secret between us. I gave her the cheque, and forgot about the matter. It may have
nothing to do with what happened afterwards, but I thought that I should mention
'Anyway, I told you that there is a cottage near our house. Well, I like
walking past that cottage, and last Monday, as I walked past the cott age I saw an
empty van going away from the cottage, and furniture in front of the cottage.
Someone was finally going to live there.
'I was looking at the cottage, when suddenly I saw a face watching me from
an upper window. There was something strange about the face, Mr Holmes, that
frightened me. I was not very near, but there was something unnatural and inhuman
about the face. It was yellow and rigid. I walked closer to the house, but the face
suddenly disappeared.
'Then I went to the door and knocked. A tall woman answered the door. I
told her that I was her neighbour, and asked her if she needed any help.
'"If we need any help, we'll call you," she said and shut the door in my face.
'That night I did not tell my wife about the strange face and the rude woman,
but I did tell her that people were now living in the cottage.
'That same night something strange happened! In the middle of the night,

when I was not completely asleep, I became aware that my wife was dressed and
was leaving the room. She looked very frightened and nervous. I waited for about
twenty minutes, and then she returned.
'"Where have you been, Effie?" I asked as she entered. She moved back
quickly with fright.
'"Are you awake, Jack?" she cried with a nervous laugh. She told me that she
had wanted some fresh air, but I did not believe her. What was my wife hiding
from me?
'The next day I had to go to the City, but I was so worried about my wife that
I returned early to Norbury at about one o'clock. Walking home I went past the
cottage. I stopped for a minute in front of it to look for that strange face. As I stood
there, imagine my surprise, Mr Holmes, when the door suddenly opened and my
wife walked out!
'"Oh, Jack!" she said, "I came here to see if our new neighbours needed
anything. Why are you looking at me like that? Are you angry with me?"
'"So," I said, "this is where you went during the night?"
'"What do you mean?" she cried.
'"You came here. I am sure of it. Who are these people?"
'"I have not been here before."
'"I know you are not telling me the truth. I am going to enter the cottage and
discover the truth!"
'"Please, don't go in, Jack," she cried. "I promise that I will tell you
everything some day, but if you enter now, you will cause great sadness." Then she
held me tightly, and I tried to push her off.
'"Trust me, Jack!" she cried. "You will not be sorry. If you come home with
me, all will be well. If you force your way into that cottage, our marriage is
"I will trust you," I said, "if you promise never to come here again."
'She was greatly relieved. Then as we started to leave, I looked up and there
was that yellow face watching us out of the upper window. What link could there
be between that creature and my wife?
'After that everything went well, but one day I returned home early. I
discovered that my wife had been to the cottage again, so I went to the cottage. I
walked into the house and found no one, but upstairs I found a comfortable room,
and on the mantelpiece stood a full-length photograph of my wife. I am sure that
our maid had warned them that I was arriving, and they all went away. That is why
I didn't find anyone there.
'When I saw my wife again I told her that there could be no peace between us
until she told me the truth. That was yesterday, Mr Holmes, and then I decided to
come and see you for help.'

After hearing this strange story, Holmes sat silent for a few minutes,
thinking. Then he said, 'Are you sure that the yellow face was a man's face?'
'Each time I saw it,' he replied, 'I saw it from a distance, so I am not sure.'
'When did your wife ask you for the money?' asked Holmes.
'Almost two months ago.'
'Have you ever seen a photograph of her first husband?'
'No, there was a great fire in Atlanta after her husband's death, and all her
papers were destroyed.'
'And yet she had a death certificate. Have you ever seen it?'
'Yes, she got a duplicate after the fire.'
'Have you ever met anyone who knew your wife in America?'
'Has she ever talked about visiting America again?'
'Has she ever received letters from there?'
'No, I don't think so.'
'Thank you,' concluded Holmes. 'Now, go back to Norbury, and when you
see that those people have returned to the cottage, call us. It will be easy to solve
this mystery.'

Part two

Then Mr Grant Munro left, and Holmes and I discussed the case. 'I am afraid
that this is a case of blackmail,' said Holmes.
'And who is the blackmailer?' I asked.
'Well, it must be that creature with the yellow face. Upon my word, Watson,
there is something very attractive about that yellow face at the window, and I
would not miss this case for worlds.'
'Have you got a theory?' I asked.
'Yes,' Holmes replied, 'I think her first husband is in the cottage. This is what
I think happened: this woman was married in America. Her husband got a terrible
disease. That is why he has that horrible yellow face. She ran away from him at
last, and came back to England, where she changed her name and started a new life.
After three years of marriage, she feels safe again, but her first husband, or some
unscrupulous woman attached to him, discovers where she lives. They write to her
and tell her to send them a hundred pounds, or they will tell her new husband
everything. When her husband tells her that someone is living in the cottage, she

knows that they are her blackmailers. In the middle of the night, while her husband
is sleeping, she decides to go to the cottage. That night she is not able to convince
her blackmailers to leave her alone, so she returns ihe next day. That was when her
husband saw her coming out of the house. She then promises her husband that she
will not return, but she wants to get rid of her blackmailers. She decides to go
again, and this time she brings a photograph, which they probably asked her for.
Fortunately for her, her maid warns her that her husband is coming, and she and her
blackmailers leave the house in time.
'Now we can do nothing except wait for Mr Munro to call us, and then we
will see if my theory is correct.'
We did not have to wait long. After tea we received a message from Mr
Munro saying, 'There are people in the house.'
That night Holmes and I took a train to Norbury. Mr Munro was waiting for
us at the station, and he took us to the cottage. When we arrived there, Holmes
asked Mr Munro if he was sure he wanted to enter the cottage. Mr Munro said he
was sure and we went to the door of the cottage. As we approached the door, a
woman suddenly appeared. It was Effie.
'For God's sake, don't Jack!' she cried. 'Trust me!'
'I have trusted you too long, Effie!' he cried sternly. 'Let go of me! My
friends and I are going to solve this mystery.'
We rushed up the stairs to the lighted room. In one corner there was a desk,
and at that desk there was a desk, and at that desk there appeared to be a little girl.
Her face was turned away from us when we entered the room, but we could
see she was wearing a red dress and long white gloves. She turned around to us,
and I gave a cry of surprise and horror. Her face was the strangest yellow colour
and it had absolutely no expression.
A moment later the mystery was explained. Holmes, with a laugh, put his
hand behind the ear of the little girl, and pulled off the mask, and there was a little
coal-black girl. She laughed, and I laughed too, but Grant Munro stood staring with
his hand holding his throat.
'My God!' he cried, 'what does this mean?'
'I will tell you everything,' cried his wife with a proud face. 'You have forced
me, and now we must both accept the situation. My husband died at Atlanta. My
child survived.'
'Your child!' cried Grant Munro.
She pulled out a locket, and inside the locket was the picture of a very
handsome and intelligent man, but a man who was obviously of African descent.
'This is John Hebron, of Atlanta,' said Mrs Munro, 'and he was a very noble
man. I cut myself off from my race to marry him, but I never regretted it for a
moment. Unfortunately, our only child took after his people rather than mine. She

is very dark, but she is my dear little girl.' When the little girl heard these words,
she ran to her mother.
'I left her in America with a trusted servant,' Mrs Munro continued, 'because
she was not very healthy, but I never considered abandoning her. When I met you
by chance and learned to love you, I was afraid to tell you about my child. I was
afraid to lose you. I kept her existence a secret from you for three years, but finally
I had to see my little girl. I sent the servant a hundred pounds, and told her to come
to this cottage. I took every possible precaution so that there would not be gossip
about a little black girl. That is why she wore that yellow mask.
'You told me about her arrival in the cottage, and that night I had to see her,
and that was the beginning of my troubles. And now, tonight, you know everything.
What are you going to do about me and my child?'
Mr Grant Munro did not say anything for two minutes, and his answer was
one of which I love to think. He lifted the little child, kissed her, and, with the little
girl in his arms, he gave his other hand to his wife.
'We can talk it over more comfortably at home,' he said. 'I am not a very
good man, Effie, but I think that I am better than you thought.'
We all left the cottage together, and then Holmes and I returned to London.
We did not say another word about the case until late that night at Holmes'
house in Baker Street, just before Holmes went to bed.
'Watson,' he said, 'if you should ever think that I am becoming too confident
in my powers, or that I am not working hard enough on a particular case, please
whisper "Norbury" in my ear, and I will be infinitely obliged to you.'
Introduction to Arabic Music History and Theory
By, Lord Robert Downey of Forfar
Disclaimer: I am a student of this art. The information contained here reflects my
understanding at this point in my learning. Beware those that tell you This is the
RIGHT way, for they have not studied enough to understand their ignorance. One
of the things that draw me to this art is its complexity and depth. It is as complex
and deep as the human soul it expresses. I will always be a student. I reserve the
right to be corrected. If you have something that increases my understanding, or
corrects an incorrect conclusion, I beg of you to share with me. After class.

Introduction: in this class, we will briefly discuss the history of Arabic music
during the SCA period, and will then discuss the basic principles of the resultant
music theory this history developed. Much of the theory (if not all) is applicable to
both historical and contemporary Maqam based music, and should hopefully serve
as a starting point for these studies.
Section 1: History
How much historical musical detail do we know about this music? The answer is, A
LOT, and not enough. We have a great level of detail on the theory, artistry,
performance styles, political intrigue, teachings, feuds, and lives of the famous
musicians of the early days. What we DONT have are musical scores per se.
This, frankly, is a product of the kind of music upon which we are speaking. There
is a form of period notation (which I have no idea how to read yet) but in other
documentation, there is evidence that a system of notation was used that allowed
trained musicians to replicate melodies and structures from letters sent by fellow
musicians. It is very important, however, to understand this music is based upon a
system of improvisation, not rote performance. In this section, we will attempt to
give an overview of the historical highpoints to give you some structure for
further study.
I. The days of Idolatry. From known history, to 632 AD
a. In period literature, the time before the emergence of Islam is known
as the time of Jahiliya. There seems to be several transliterations of
this word, but it translates roughly as wrath, pride, impudence, and
fanaticism. The social structure of pre-islamic Arab communities was
anchored in the ideas of tribal union. Music of this time period has
been classified by modern historians as the Qaynah school. It is
named after the largest group of performers. They are known as the
qiyan (plural form of Qaynah) Historically these were women trained
in music, poetry, dance, entertainment, and serving. One account
translated by Scholar Habib Hassan Touma sums up the average
Qiyan. The tasks of the Qaynah was to entertain the guest with song,
wine and eroticism. She poured wine while singing or while another
Qaynah made music. Her naked breasts were open to the glances of
guests, and she was also receptive to the more direct advances of her
customers. These women were highly respected members of the
community. In some ways I see them as reminiscent of the oriental
Geisha. (this might be a skewed view, however. More study is
required) There were two dominant musical forms;

i. The singing of the Bedouin nomads. In the historical texts, they

are referred to in terms of simplicity and cultural Naivety. There
were two Genres of this form. They were;
1. The Huda: The name for the rousing songs of the camel
drivers. Its rhythm reminiscent of the camels steps.
2. The Nasb: The general name given to the songs intoned
by young Bedouins riding through the desert, and to the
dirges sung by the women.
ii. The songs of the Qaynah. Again, there were two general genres
of this form. They were;
1. The Sinad: Dealt with subjects of seriousness, dignity,
fame, pride, and arrogance. They were composed in the
long classical Arabic poetic form. (Upon which, I
currently have little understanding)
2. The Hizaj: relatively simple songs intended only for
entertainment and amusement. They were composed in
the short classical Arabic poetic form. (upon which,
once again, I currently have little understanding)
b. Beauty and elegance was the mark of the Qayan. (or at least the social
view of them) They were generally well off, and took great care to be
tastefully dressed and adorned in jewelry. There are many references
to fragrances and perfumes surrounding them. Some Qiyan were
possessors of considerable fortune. The artistic musical forms created
during this time had far reaching influence and can still be traced to
the poetical forms of Arabic music today.
c. The Musical form of the Qayan was a purely Arabic form. This was
before the massive cross pollination of music and culture that occurred
as a result of the military and ideological spread of Islam. In some
ways, it stayed unchanged even through the first three decades of
Islam, but soon began to change, as other cultures were assimilated.
Thus began the time of the Ummayad Caliphs.
II. The Ummayad Caliphat: Music began to change drastically during this time,
in spite of the condemnation of several of the Caliphs of all things
musical. There was a great amount of cross pollination of older forms of
music from Persia, and music of Turkey, Libya, Egypt, Palestine,
Phoenicia, Syria, and Iraq. This is the time where the music sensibilities
and art forms began merging into the system we know today.
a. With the wealth and prestige generated by the social and military
assimilation, came also access to ancient legacies of the Greeks,
Romans, Persians, Egyptians, Assyrians, and Babylonians. The study

for these ancient ideas and texts began in earnest, but would not come
to complete fruition just yet. With diversification of music also came a
new group of performers to the musical landscape. These were known
as the Mukhannathun. (plural of Mukhannath)
i. The Mukhannathun were male singers that emulated the
behavior and dress of women. There are some references to
homosexual tendencies in the historical texts, but it appears that
was not necessarily universal. They were generally converts to
Islam, and not necessarily of Arabic descent. In fact, most of the
documented great male and female singers were Persians,
Ethiopians, or Black Africans. A great melting pot of ideas and
musical artistry began stirring. A new musical tradition was
thereby created, and because of its originality, it flourished in
the court of the Caliph, (sometimes right under his nose) as
much as the houses of Eros of the Qaynah. Schools were
formed, and a standardized musical theory began emerging
through treatise, and teaching. The first was from the pen of
Yunus al-Katib (d. 765) Sadly, we dont actually have a copy of
this book, but it was so widely quoted in later texts, we have a
fair understanding of its contents. (bonus tidbit: the first
recorded, and in many ways most influential Mukhannath was
Al-ghina al-mutqan. Just thought youd like to know. (smile))
ii. With more diversity came more instruments, and a more
sophisticated listener. The old forms were just as pleasant as
new emerging ones, so the performers of the day had to be well
versed in the language, poetical forms of the ancients,
instruments, and many other disciplines. Acceptance from the
Caliphat varied from abject hatred of music, to utter emersion.
b. The singers of Hijaz, of this new school remained influential for
several generations, until the start of the Abbasid era (750-1258) there
many great musical events during the time. They serve as a snapshot
of the musical times, if you will.
i. The famous female singer Jamilah (d. 720) owned great palaces
in Madina. She would conduct massive concerts, showcasing
the musical excellence of the time. These were reported to be
grandly lavish and exquisite. She would create pilgrimages
that were staged very similarly to music festivals, and her guests
would dance and sing to music that was performed by large
choruses and instrumental ensembles. These ensembles are
reported to have been comprised of several lute, flute, and drum

players. There were also Zither, Mizmar, and duff players

(primarily women)
ii. This started a trend, and when an important person, or a Caliph
went on pilgrimage, they would emulate Jamilah, and
effectively create traveling musical pilgrimages. These events
spread musical ideas and sensibilities to a broad spectrum of
social stratum.
III. Tha Abbasid Caliphat: (750 1258)
a. Many historians view this period as the Arabic Renaissance. There
was an explosion of social, mathematical, theoretical, scientific, and
musical knowledge. Much of it fueled by the ideas of the ancient
Greeks and Romans.
i. In the ninth century, Abbasid Caliph al-Mamum created the
Bayt al-Hikmah, or House of wisdom. This concentrated effort
to translate ancient texts created a massive flourishing of
culture, and ideas. Music would never be the same
ii. Many treatises on music and theory were produced by these
early scholars, Some of these ideas tried to quantify the older
musical theoretical systems, some proposed new constructs. But
there are two men who defined, and preserved all the musicality,
and theory for the centuries to come. These were the defining
years in the creation of what we have come to know as maqam
music theory.
b. There are two definitive root sources we have for all the information
we know, from the times before the Qaynah, to the end of the
Abbasid Caliphat. These two sources are held to be the best work of
theory and artistry even for todays modern study. They are:
i. Kitab al-Musiqa al-Kabir (Grand book of music)
1. This was written somewhere between 942-950 AD by
Abu Nasr Muhammad ibn Muhammad ibn Tarkhan ibn
Aqzalagh al-Farabi. (more simply known as al-Faraby. He
was so respected as a scholar that he is referred to in other
sources as the second master, after Aristotle. (who was
considered the first. He was a meticulous, careful, and
complete scholar and used methods of recording and
defining music that are even now being taught as
technique in ethnomusicological studies today.
a. This book was the first systematic and complete
treatise on music, it also includes many excerpts
from much earlier works that have not survived. It


is, to this day, the definitive text on Arabic music

theory, and has yet to be superseded.
b. There are four surviving copies, none of which are
complete. Many treatises (including all known
period examples) after it was written have used it
as a source. (Free tidbit: Al Faraby wrote many
other works on mathematics, philosophy, medicine,
etc. He lived to past 80, and died purportedly
content and happy as a Sufi monk)
ii. Kitab al-Aghani (Book of songs)
1. This book was written somewhere between 960-967 AD
by Abu al-Faraj Ali ibn al-Husayn al-Isbahani. (More
simply known as al-Isbahani) This man was in many
ways the opposite of Al Farabi, but was perfectly suited to
write this book. He was known for his pursuits of passion,
women and wine, and was in an ideal social position to
record performance practices and songs, having access
also to previous works on the subject. Put simply, He was
a party animal, and wallowed in the life and pleasures of
the music world of the time, and of all the pleasures being
a favorite of the Caliph offered him.
a. This book is the most complete compilation of
songs, music practices, poetry, and artist names to
this point in history. It contains a vast amount of
information from previous sources, stretching back
to the days of Idolatry, almost all of which would
be lost to us now, if we didnt have this book.
b. It was purchased for 1000 gold pieces by the Shaw
of al-Andalusia, and took al-Isbahani 50 years to
c. This book is looked upon as the single greatest
repository of early musical and poetic practices.
d. There are 2 partial surviving copies, and one whole
copy still existing.
Al Andalus:
a. The Arabic Caliphat of al Andalus proved to be the greatest expression
of, and last bastion of musical development. The last great Arabic
music theorist was a man by the name of Zaryab (died around 850
AD) he was a freed slave from Baghdad, and lived and worked in
Cordoba. He is credited with adding strings and expression to the Ud

(well talk about that later) and compiling a repertoire of twenty-four

Nawbat. (roughly, a classical concert with specific expressions,
progressions, and focus)
b. Al Andalus, in many ways, was an early conduit of Arabic influence
and understanding to the west. Many western scholars were trained in
its schools, and here is where many original Latin translations of
mathematics, music, and philosophy from Greek texts were created, as
well as Latin translations of Arabic texts on music, mathematics,
medicine, etc.
c. There was much musical transference of concepts, instruments, and
ideas even before the crusades due to Al Andalus. The troubadour
concept and art was directly influenced by this sharing of ideas. Many
western instruments were either copied, or influenced by older Arabic
instruments. (more on that later) (free tidbit: any SCA western music
scholar will tell you where they got the original European Solfeggio.
What they dont tell you is the concept was given to Guido d'Arezzo
by his studies of Arabic texts. Heres an interesting thing. The names
of the Arabic notes, versus their Guidonian counterparts are below. Do
you see a similarity?
Guidonian: Mi. Fa. Sol. La
Si. Do/ut Re
Mim,Fa, Sad, Lam, Sin, Dal
d. There is value in studying modern Arabic music and transposing
those ideas on the past. There is also danger. It is important to
understand the theory and tonal systems are fairly consistent from 800
AD to the 1920s. Past that, one must be careful to identify and
understand the pervasive western influence on this music.

Section conclusion: We have just skimmed over 3000 years of musical history with
very little detail. There is an amazing amount of information that can be studied
and correlated. To this day, there has not been a good amount of study on the
influence of Arabic music theory, and instruments on the western culture.
Contemporary scholars such as Dr. Henry George Farmer have hinted at it, but
sadly died before he could fully study and publish on the idea. There is so much
richness to studying this history. We know of musical feuds that lasted generations,
Poisoning of court musicians because they had new ideas, Beheadings, and
jealousy, Brilliance and artistic ecstasy. There is so much to study it is sometimes
hard to figure out where to start. Hopefully this section has whetted your appetite.
As we move forward, just remember when we study music theory, there are many
human stories behind why and how this music is and was constructed.

Section 2: Instruments
Through the changes of history, we see a homogenization of theory, practice, and
instruments through the Middle east, North Africa, some of eastern Europe, Turkey,
Persia, etc. This similarity of theory created a family of instruments that can be
found in many mutations over these different areas. You will soon find there are
differences of instruments and theory even from one province to the next, but some
things are constant. A good example would be a guitar. A bass guitar and a 12 string
acoustic are still both guitars, but there are differences. Extrapolate that over 3000
years and more cultures than can be counted here, and you will find a LOT of
different names for the same thing, as well as a LOT of regional variances. It is
important to understand, moving forward that there is no RIGHT way, or thing.
As you will soon see, even the names are not the same for the same instrument. In
Arabic music, there is never ONE TRUE WAY. There is complexity, flexibility, and
opportunity. We will begin by looking at types of instruments that are relatively

The voice
a. As we have seen in our previous studies, the voice was the first
instrument of the Qaynat, and the voice is still the primary
instrument. All other instruments are considered a pale imitation. In
maqam music, the voice is the ultimate instrument of mans
expression. There are many techniques that can be used;
Inflections, and singing from the throat, as well as many cultural
and regional variations. It can switch from happy and joyful to sad
and longing at the twitch of a muscle.
b. Winds:
i. Mizmar: This is a double reed wind instrument. Its original
form is ancient. It is referred to in the oldest writings.
ii. Ney: End blown reed flute. A devil to get any noise out of,
but very expressive and captivating. Fingerings, and holes
vary depending on the maqam being played.
iii. Mijwiz: a kind of double barreled clarinet
c. Strings

i. Ud: The king of instruments, it is the originator of the

pre-Pythagorean influenced musical theory, and is
considered the grandfather of the lute. It has gone through
many mutations through history, but its basic form was
completed by the afore mentioned Zalzal. Again, an ancient
form of instrument.
ii. Kanoun: Similar to a hammered dulcimer, only it isnt
hammered but plucked. It has moveable bridges to adjust
to the Maqam that is being played.
iii. Saz (buzuk, Baglama, etc): The Turkish reference
instrument. It serves the same purpose as the Ud does for
music theory. Again, an ancient instrument of the steppes.
Lots of variations.
d. Bowed instruments:
i. Rababa: The earliest known bowed instrument and the parent
of the medieval European rebec, it was first mentioned in the
10th century. In period the word Rababa was used for any
bowed instrument. It has a membrane belly made of animal
skin or wood and one, two or three strings. There is normally
no fingerboard, the strings being stopped by the player's
e. Percussion
i. Frame drum: There are LOTS of variations on this. There are
even more names for them. The tar, Duff, Daff, Etc. Usually
round (although there are exceptions) this is the primary
expressive drum for many cultures.
ii. Riq: strictly speaking, a frame drum, with the addition of
five sets of cymbals imbedded on the edge. It seems to be a
fairly universal staple. There are many religious connotations
to this drum.
iii. Goblet drum: Dumbek, doumbek, Tonbak, etc. LOTS of
different drums in this class, and the local playing styles
vary. For instance, the Egyptian style of play is very different
from the Persian style, although the general shape of the
instrument is in the same class
iv. Davul: or Tupan, depending on where you are. Double sided
bass drum used for many things. Generally used for keeping
solid beats, and leading. Used extensively militarily.

Again, there are many variations on these basic groups. And many more
instruments. So many, it sometimes boggles the mind. For instance, strictly
speaking, there are almost as many neys as there are Maqams to play on them!
Local, regional, and cultural variations abound, as well as available materials.
Certainly there are archetypal instrument groups, but dont mistake the instrument
pictured on the internet as THE instrument.

Section 3: Maqam music Theory

Maqam is the foundation of expression for Arabic music theory, but It is not
confined to the Arabian peninsula by a LONG shot. Maqam music can be found
from the Atlas mountains and parts of the Sahara in Africa, to the Arabian gulf,
Eastern Europe, and Greece. It has been referred to as more than a scale and less
than a song We will skim through a lot of fundamental concepts that should
foment questions in your mind. In some ways, if you have western music theory
training, you might find it more difficult to grasp certain things. Im going to throw
a lot of things at ya, and I dont expect you to understand it all at once. I KNOW I
dont understand it all, especially some of the interrelationships of concepts. Let us
A. Regional Variances: Since the 1920s there has been a push for
standardization of Maqam, and specific pitches. (more on that later) There
is a direct correlation with this push, and the beginning of western music
influence. To understand some theory, we need to understand the context.
The first and foremost of these is regional variance. For instance, Maqam
Hijaz in Egypt is not the same as in Iraq. Here is a quote from Dr George
Sawa: It is important to note that in every country I mention, there are
significant regional variants in the makam system. There is NOT one makam
system! It is more accurate to say that makam represents a way of conceiving
of tuning and mode that creates a framework to understand a lot of different
folk and classical traditions, particularly in countries that have been ruled
under Islam or were part of the Ottoman Empire. You will notice Dr. Sawa
even SPELLS Maqam differently. Welcome to the complex and exciting
world of Maqam music!! More on this later, but at this point understand there
is NO SUCH THING as a set scale.
B. Improvisational based music: By definition, Maqam theory is a system of
improvisation. To quote Scholar Habib Hassan Touma; The maqam
phenomenon, in which the performance of a single-voiced melody line is a
largely improvised conceptualization of a particular modal structure. The

fundamental characteristic of the maqam phenomenon is that the

tonal-spatial component has a binding and previously fixed organization.
Whereas the rhythmic-temporal component is essentially free. Central to the
maqam phenomenon is the tonal-spatial model, which varies from one
maqam to another and can always be reduced to a nucleus of unique
intervals. This nucleus determines the melodic line and helps create the
characteristic emotional mood for the particular maqam. WHAT?!
a. What he means is, Maqams are engines of emotion. The intervals
between the notes are specifically designed to foment a specific
emotion. They are a framework to improvise upon. This is one of the
reasons I believe we do not see much period notation. The focus was
on taking a maqam, and expressing it to its utmost emotional and
expressive potential at the time of the performance, not necessarily to
duplicate a specific melody line. When a great Maqam musician plays
a piece, it will never be the same twice. If you ask them why? They
will tell you because that is what I felt then, and this is what I feel
C. How many Maqams are there? If you factor in the regional variances, and all
the known historical models, there are over 900 different maqams! But dont
worry; there really are only 30 or 40 fundamental Maqams that are used.
Sometimes, there are maqams for specific dances, or melodies. Some of the
Maqams are named after people. It can be dizzying, but upon further
inspection, a method of categorizing and understanding them becomes
apparent. This method has to do with the concepts of Ajnas (plural for the
word Jins). These are small building blocks of trichords, tetrachords and
pentachords which make up maqams. We wont go too far down that road
right now, but I did want to introduce the words to you. Itl give you
something to study. (wink) BTW! If you see the word chord and a lightbulb
goes off, thinking this might be something like western chords, go ahead and
turn the light back off. They arent the same concept at all. (more on that
D. Harmonic Differences: Arabic music does not use harmony, as we see it.
Although there is evidence of its theoretical use in the Music schools of
al-Andalus, and its transference to the west in the tenth century. (Free tidbit:
The eastern name for harmony is TadIf. It was an outcropping of the
Greek concept of magrandizing or organizing. Truthfully, harmony as
we see it, would not work well at all in Arabic music because of the
intervallic and pitch systems that are employed (more on that later)
a. Arabic music values increasingly complex melodic sequences as
opposed to harmony, although there is a great amount of use of

drone tones, and harmony does crop up as a byproduct of complex

b. You will NEVER find CHORDS (as we define them in western music
theory) in Arabic music.
E. Intervallic relationships: As scales are constructed by notes with specific
intervallic relationships and distances in Western music theory, to some
extent, Maqams are built this way as well, but the rules are different. Firstly,
there is a LOT more notes per octave than in western scales. Most scholars
refer to these as microtones. In the post western-influenced Arabic scale,
there are 24 chromatic notes per octave. It is important to note that an
Octave is not necessarily an octave, as western music defines it. This is based
on fundamental differences in the pitch system used.
a. Maqam intervals are NOT BUILT on even-tempered tuning, unlike the
chromatic scale used in western music theory. This fact has
widespread and fascinating results. Instead of an artificial
mathematically equal intervallic scheme, the 5th notes are tuned based
on the 3rd harmonic. The remaining notes entirely depend on the
maqam. Most of the tunings are probably historically based on the Ud.
A side effect of this is that the same note (by name) may have a
slightly different pitch depending on which maqam it is played in.
These intervals also shift based on regional differences, which notes
follow and precede, etc. in fact, the same note might not be played
with the same pitch in the same song! (free tidbit: This is important!!!!
Even-tempered tuning is a byproduct of 18th century western musical
theoreticians trying to find a viable way to construct the massive
orchestras we enjoy today. In other words, even if you are playing a
period western piece from period sheet music, the tuning of the notes
on your recorder are NOT THE SAME. Therefore, the music is not the
same. Just wanted to throw that one out. (wink))
b. Pitch Gravitation: pitch is dependent on the notes surrounding the note
that is being played. Depending on the context, the pitch could shift.
This is called the law of pitch gravitation.
F. Pitch Differences: The pitch standard is relative to environmental modifiers.
In other words, there is no such thing as a=440. This means the pitch of the
tonic (or most important note in the maqam) is usually set by the range of the
human voice of the singer (if there is vocal accompaniment) or other
environmental variables. (the mood at the time, the quality of instrument,
etc) How do you tune a large number of instruments so they can play
together like this!!!?? Well, the answer is, you cant. Arabic music culture
focuses on small ensembles, or single players that can tune to the pitch they

wish at the time. This was one of the reasons for the push to standardize the
Maqam system after the 1920s, so large orchestras could be constructed.
Much of the current Arabic dance music comes from this fusion.
Unfortunately, without the complexity and quirkiness of the tunings, the
pitch deviations, microtones, complex melody, lack of harmony etc, much of
the magic of this music is lost. Its up to us, as preservers of history, to
understand, and help preserve the artistry of the past.
G. Rhythmic differences: As you most likely know, Arabic and M.E. rhythms
are not symmetric, much of the time. The lists and lists of rhythmic cycles
available on the internet are fascinating, and a complex study in and of
themselves. There is a concept in Maqam music theory called the Iqa. It
serves the same function to rhythm as the concept of maqam serves to
melody. I currently do not understand how this works. We can study the
patterns, replicate them, and use them with melody or by itself, but the
theory behind their construction is wrapped up in this word Iqa. I have
some half understandings, but this is a great area for further study.
In closing, I have attempted to flit upon each concept with the lightness of a bee,
giving you a taste of the honey to be had from each flower. There is so much to
study, and each of these concepts and historical facts are entwined with themselves,
the socio-political history of the region, and of western culture, for that matter, and
the way we communicate passion and emotion through music. There is so much to
study and marvel at, I hope this has provided you with a place to start your own
studies. If you find something out though, promise me you will show me!!!
Chapter one
The King's Mistake

For Sherlock Holmes, there was only one woman in the world. He did not
love her, because he never loved women. But after their meeting he never forgot
her. Her name was Irene Adler.
One night in March I visited my old friend at his home in Baker Street. I was
married by now, so I did not often see him.
'Come in, Watson,' he said. 'Sit down. I'm happy to see you, because I've got
something to show you. What do you think of this? It arrived in the last post.' It was
a letter, with no date, name or address. It said:
'Tonight someone will visit you, to talk about some very secret business. You
have helped other important people, and you can, we hope, help us. Be in your

room at 7.45 p.m.'

'The paper - what do you think about the paper?' asked Holmes.
I tried to think like Holmes. 'It's expensive, so this person is rich. It's strange
'Yes, it's not English. If you look at it in the light, you can see that it was
made in Bohemia. And a German, I think, wrote the letter. Ah, here comes our man
now.' We could hear the horses in the street.
'Shall I leave, Holmes?' I asked.
'No, no, I need your help. This will be interesting,' my friend answered.
There was a knock at the door.
'Come in!' called Holmes.
A tall, strong man came into the room. He was wearing expensive clothes,
and a mask over his face.
'You can call me Count von Kramm. I come from Bohemia,' he said. 'My
business is most important. Before I tell you about it, do you agree to keep it a
'I do,' we said together.
'A very important person, who belongs to a royal family, has sent me to ask
for your help,' he went on. 'I wear a mask because nobody must know who that
person is. I must explain how important this business is. If you cannot help, there
will be difficulty and trouble for one of the most important families in Europe - and
perhaps a very big scandal. I am talking about the famous House of Ormstein,
Kings of Bohemia.'
'I know, Your Majesty,' said Holmes. He quietly smoked his cigarette.
The man jumped up from his chair, 'What!' he cried. 'How do you know who
I am?' Then he pulled the mask off his face and threw it on the ground. 'You are
right. Why do I hide it? I am the King. I am Wilhelm von Ormstein, King of
Bohemia. I came to see you myself because I could not ask another person to tell
my story. It must be a secret. You understand?'
'Very well. Go on,' said Holmes. He closed his eyes and listened.
'Five years ago I met a woman called Irene Adler. We...'
'Ah,' said Holmes, 'Irene Adler, born in 1850, singer, lives in London, a very
beautiful woman, I hear ...' He looked at the King. 'You and she ... You loved her,
for a while, and then left her. But before you left her, you wrote her some letters
perhaps. And now you want to get these letters back.'
'That's right.'
'Did you marry her?'
'If she asks you for money and shows you the letters, you can say that you
didn't write them.'

'But Mr Holmes, she also has my photograph.'

'You can say that you didn't give her a photograph.'
'We were both in the photograph.'
'Oh dear. That was a mistake, Your Majesty.'
'I know. I was stupid... but I was very young!'
'You must get the photograph back. Can you steal it from her house?'
'I have tried five times but my men couldn't find it. What can I do?'
Holmes laughed. 'This is very interesting. What does she plan to do with the
'Soon I am going to marry Clotilde Lothman von Saxe-Meningen, daughter
of the King of Scandinavia. You know, of course, that we are two of the most
important royal families in Europe. Clotilde will never marry me if she learns that I
have been a... friend of Irene Adler. You do not know Irene Adler. She's a beautiful
woman, but she can be as hard as a man. She was angry when I left her, and so she
doesn't want me to marry another woman. I know that she will send this photograph
to the Saxe-Meningen family, and then there will be a terrible scandal. We must
find the photograph before she sends it!'
'I am sure that we will find it,' said Holmes. 'You are, of course, staying in
London? I will write to you to tell you what happens. And, the money...?'
The King put a large heavy bag on the table. 'I must have that photograph,'
he said. 'There is one thousand pounds here. If you need more, you must ask at
once. The money is not important.'
'And the young woman's address?' asked Holmes.
'Briony Lodge, Serpentine Avenue, St John's Wood, London.'
'Good night, Your Majesty,' said Holmes. 'I hope to have some good news
for you soon.' The King left, and Holmes turned to me. 'And good night, Watson.
Please come back tomorrow at three o'clock in the afternoon.'

Chapter two
A Servant Finds Out

When I arrived the next day, Holmes was not there, so I waited in his room.
At four o'clock the door opened, and a very strange servant came in. He wore old,
dirty clothes, and I had to look very hard before I saw that it was my old friend.
'Holmes!' I cried. 'Where have you been?'
'I've had a very good day,' he replied with a smile. 'I've been outside Miss
Irene Adler's house. Servants are always happy to talk, and so I have heard a lot

about the young woman. For example, she has a good-looking man friend called
Godfrey Norton, a lawyer, who often visits her. Now why? If he's her lawyer,
perhaps she's already given him the photograph. But if he loves her, she won't show
him the photograph.'
'Most interesting, Holmes!' I said.
'While I was there, Mr Norton himself suddenly arrived. I watched them
through the windows. When he left, he jumped into a taxi. "To the church of St
Monica, as fast as you can!" he shouted. Two minutes later Miss Adler ran out of
her house, jumped into another taxi and called, "To the church of St Monica,
quickly!" I couldn't miss this, Watson, so I jumped into a third taxi. When I arrived,
I went into the church. Godfrey Norton looked round and saw me.
"Thank God!" he shouted. "Come here quickly!" "Why?" I asked. "Come on,
man, we need you!" And so I helped Godfrey Norton to marry Irene Adler. They
needed a witness, and a servant from the street was better than nobody.'
'So she's married him! What shall we do now?' I asked.
'Well, tonight, my dear Watson, I need your help. Will you do what I ask?
Without questions?'
'Of course, Holmes, if you think that it's important,' I answered.
'Later, we'll go to Briony Lodge. Irene Adler, or Irene Norton, will arrive
home at seven o'clock, and she will ask me to go into the house. You must wait
outside near the sitting-room window, and when it opens, watch me inside. When I
hold up my hand, throw this thing into the room and shout "Fire!"'
I took the small thing out of his hand. 'What is it, Holmes?' I asked.
'It's a smoke-stick. The room will very quickly be full of smoke. After that,
wait for me at the corner of the street.'
'Right, I'll do what you want,' I said.

Chapter three

That evening Holmes again wore different clothes, and a large, black hat. But
it was not just the clothes that were different. He changed his face, his hair everything. He was a different man.
We walked together to Serpentine Avenue. Outside the house there were a
lot of people who were smoking, laughing and talking. Holmes and I walked up
and down in front of the house.
'You see,' said Holmes to me, 'I think she doesn't want her new husband to

see the photograph. But where is it? At her bank? No. Women like to keep
important things themselves. I'm sure it's in her house.'
'But the King's men tried to find it!' I said.
'Yes, but they didn't know where to look!' said Holmes.
'But how will you know?' I asked.
'I won't look. She'll show me. She'll have to.'
Just then a taxi arrived. One of the men in the street ran to open the door,
then another man pushed him. Other men were also pushing and shouting, and a
fight began. Irene Norton was in the middle of it, but Sherlock Holmes ran to help
her. Then suddenly he fell to the ground, with blood running down his face. Irene
Norton hurried to her front door, but she looked back.
'How kind of him to help me! Is the poor man hurt?' she called.
'He's dead,' cried some voices.
'No, he's only hurt,' cried others.
'Bring him into the sitting-room,' she said.
Some people carried Holmes into the house. I waited outside the window and
watched. I saw how beautiful Irene Norton was. Then Holmes put up his hand, and
I threw the smoke-stick into the room. Immediately the people in the street and in
the house all began to shout "Fire!" very loudly. The house was full of smoke. I
walked away, and ten minutes later Holmes came to meet me.
'Well done, Watson,' he said.
'Have you got the photograph?' I asked.
'I know where it is. She showed me,' he answered.
'But why did she show you?'
'It's easy,' he said, and laughed. 'You saw all those people in the street? I paid
them to help us. It wasn't a real fight and the blood wasn't real. When people shout
"Fire!", a woman runs to the most important thing in her house, her baby, her gold,
or... a photograph. Mrs Norton ran to find her photograph, which is in a cupboard
in the sitting-room. I saw it. But I did not take it. Tomorrow we will go to her house
with the King. We'll go very early, before she gets up. The King himself can take
the photograph from the cupboard. And then we'll go.'
While Holmes was talking, we were walking home to Baker Street. When we
arrived at my friend's house, a young man hurried past us, and said: 'Good night,
Mr Sherlock Holmes.'
'I've heard that voice before,' said Holmes to me. He looked down the street.
'But who was it?'

Chapter four

A Photograph

The next day we went to Irene Norton's house, with the King. An old servant
opened the door. 'Mr Sherlock Holmes?' she asked, and smiled.
'Yes,' said my friend. He looked very surprised.
'Mrs Irene Norton and her husband left England this morning. They will
never come back to this country.'
'What?' cried Holmes, his face white and angry.
'And what about the photograph?' cried the King.
We all hurried into the sitting-room. Holmes ran to the cupboard and opened
it. Inside was a photograph, not of Irene Adler and the King, but of the beautiful
Irene alone. There was also a letter for Sherlock Holmes. We all read it together.
My dear Mr Sherlock Holmes, You did it very well. I thought that it was a
real fire, and that you were just a kind old man. But after I opened the cupboard, I
began to think. I knew about the famous Sherlock Holmes. I knew your address,
and I knew that the King asked you to find the photograph. So I quickly dressed as
a young man and followed you home to Baker Street. I wanted to find out if you
really were Sherlock Holmes. I said 'good night' to you outside your door!
My husband and I have decided to leave England. Please tell the King that I
shall not show the photograph to anybody. I love my husband and he loves me. And
he is a better man than the King. But here is a different photograph. And the King
can keep this photograph, if he likes.
'What a woman!' cried the King. 'Why didn't I marry her! What a woman!'
'A very, very clever woman,' said Sherlock Holmes coldly. 'I am sorry, Your
Majesty, that this business has not finished well.'
'No, no,' said the King. 'She writes that she will never show the photograph
to anybody. I need nothing more than her word. There is no danger for me now.
How can I thank you, dear Mr Holmes?'
'I would like just one thing, Your Majesty.'
'Tell me at once what it is,' said the King.
'This photograph.'
The King looked at him in surprise. 'Irene's photograph?' he cried. 'But of
course. It is yours.'
And so there was no terrible scandal in the royal families of Europe. And
Sherlock Holmes still has the photograph of the woman who was cleverer than he

- THE END *******************************************************************

Sara Smith, a Pasadena resident, went shopping. She is 30, and has lived at
3037 N. Foothill Street since 1992. Sara has been married to John for seven years.
They have two children; Bob is five years old and Nancy is three. Sara owns a 1995
four-door blue Toyola. At 9 a.m., Sara got into her car and drove to Barget, a
department store a mile away.
Barget was having a holiday sale. Sara bought a four-slice toaster for $29.95
plus tax. The regular price was $39.95. She paid by check. On her way home, Sara
stopped at MilkPlus to buy a gallon of nonfat milk. The milk was $3.50. Sara got
50 cents back in change.
Sara arrived home at 10 a.m. John and the kids were still sleeping. She woke
them up and then made a hot and nutritious breakfast for everyone.
A 79-year-old man was slightly injured on Saturday while waiting in his brand
new convertible in a drive-through lane at Burger Prince restaurant. Herman
Sherman of Northville suffered a mild burn about 9:00 p.m. when a young female
employee accidentally spilled a cup of coffee into his lap. Sherman said the coffee
was hot but not scalding.
He refused medical aid, saying the only problem was the stain on his slacks,
but it would wash out. He was given a fresh refill. Before Sherman drove off, the

restaurant manager, John Johnson, gave him two free gift certificates--one for an
extra-large coffee and one for the restaurant's newest sandwich, the McRap.
The employee, who was a new hire, was let go later that evening. She was
quite upset. She said she would probably sue Burger Prince for letting her go. She
said it was the man's fault for ordering something that she might be able to spill.
Six consecutive days of spring rain had created a raging river running by
Nancy Brown's farm. As she tried to herd her cows to higher ground, she slipped
and hit her head on a fallen tree trunk. The fall knocked her out for a moment or
two. When she came to, Lizzie, one of her oldest and favorite cows, was licking her
face. The water was rising. Nancy got up and began walking slowly with Lizzie.
The water was now waist high. Nancy's pace got slower and slower. Finally, all she
could do was to throw her arm around Lizzie's neck and try to hang on. About 20
minutes later, Lizzie managed to successfully pull herself and Nancy out of the
raging water and onto a bit of high land, a small island now in the middle of acres
of white water.
Even though it was about noon, the sky was so dark and the rain and lightning
so bad that it took rescuers another two hours to discover Nancy. A helicopter
lowered a paramedic, who attached Nancy to a life-support hoist. They raised her
into the helicopter and took her to the school gym, where the Red Cross had set up
an emergency shelter.

When the flood subsided two days later, Nancy immediately went back to the
"island." Lizzie was gone. She was one of 19 cows that Nancy lost. "I owe my life
to her," said Nancy sobbingly.
A fifteen-year-old boy was injured in a car accident when the minivan he was
traveling in was hit by a pickup truck at an intersection. The boy was taken to a
nearby hospital. The paramedics said that it appeared that the boy had nothing more
serious than a broken left leg, but that internal injuries were always a possibility.
The boy was conscious and alert. His mother, who was driving, was uninjured. She
said that the truck appeared out of nowhere, and she thought she was going to die.
She turned the steering wheel sharply to the left, and the truck hit her minivan on
the passenger side.
The driver of the truck was a 50-year-old man who was unemployed and
apparently had been drinkingpolice found 18 empty beer cans inside the truck.
The man denied drinking, but he failed the police test for sobriety. When asked to
touch his nose with his arms outstretched and eyes closed, he was unable to touch
any part of his head.
The handcuffed man asked the police if they knew where "Mabel" was as he
was put into the back seat of the police vehicle. The police asked him if Mabel was
his wife. He said, "She's my dog, my dog! Where's my baby?" A dog with a collar,
but no identification, was found minutes later, half a block away. The man was

taken to the city jail and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated and on
causing an accident.
Jerry Baldwin was 30 years old. He was the manager of a pizza restaurant. He
lived in an apartment about one mile north of the restaurant. He walked to and from
work. When it was raining, he took the bus.
Jerry loved gangster movies. When a new one came out, he would go to the
theater and watch the new movie three or four times. Then, when it went to video,
Jerry would buy the video at Barney's Video Store. Jerry had a home collection of
over 1,000 gangster videos. Old ones, new ones, color, black and white, English,
Spanish, Japanese--he loved them all. He could tell you the name of the movie, the
director, the stars, and the plot. Did you say you liked "Pulp Fiction"? Well, Jerry
would rattle off all the details of that movie. And then he would invite you to his
place to watch it some time. He was a nice guy.
Jerry finally decided that he would like to own a gun, just like the gangsters.
So he saved his money for a couple of years. Then he went to a gun store and
bought a used .38 caliber revolver for $300. While there, he also bought a couple of
boxes of ammunition. The following Saturday morning, he went to the gun club to
practice with his new revolver. He was in the club for only 10 minutes when he
accidentally dropped his pistol. The gun went off, and the bullet went into Jerry's
right knee.
Jerry now walks with a limp and a cane, just like some gangsters.

A 24-year-old Los Angeles man was taken to a hospital and then to county jail
after leading police on a one-hour freeway chase in a stolen SUV. The chase ended
in downtown Los Angeles in front of the Spring Hotel. Most of the chase was
uneventful, except for an empty bottle of whiskey that the driver threw at one
police vehicle.
When the driver got into downtown, things started to happen. He ran over a
fire hydrant. The water spewed out of the hydrant, causing a geyser that ruined all
the books in several carts that a vendor had put outside to attract customers into his
bookstore. The driver hurriedly turned west onto Grand Avenue and managed to
bang into three parked cars on one side of that street and two cars on the other side.
The driver also tried to run over a police officer, who was standing in the crosswalk
ordering him to halt.
Turning north, the driver caused a bus to slam on its brakes to avoid a
collision. The bus was empty, and the bus driver was uninjured. However, two
police cars that were pursuing the SUV from different directions were not so lucky.
One of them ran into the front of the bus, and the other into the back. Because the
drivers had braked early enough, the damage to their cars was minor. Both officers
resumed the chase.
They only went two blocks north to find that the SUV had come to a full stop
because it had plowed into a newspaper stand. The driver, who was not wearing a
seatbelt, was slumped behind the steering wheel. The proprietor of the newsstand

was yelling at the driver and shaking a magazine at him. The police called for the
ambulance. They charged the driver with failure to yield to a police officer and
driving under the influence.
Sam, an unemployed piano tuner, said it was only the second thing he had ever
won in his life. The first thing was an Afghan blanket at a church raffle when he
was 25 years old. But this was much bigger: it was $120,000! He had won the Big
Cube, a state lottery game. To win, a contestant must first guess which number a
spinning cube will stop on. The cube has six numbers on it: 1X, 10X, 50X, 100X,
500X, and 1000X. If he is correct, the contestant must then guess which of two
selected variables is going to be greater. So, just guessing which number appears on
the cube does not guarantee that you will win any money.
Sam correctly guessed 1000X, but he still had to choose between two
variables. One variable was the number of cars that would run the stop sign at Hill
Street and Lake Avenue in six hours. The other variable was the number of times
that a teenage boy would change TV channels in a three-hour period. This was a
tough decision.
Finally, Sam flipped a coin. It came up heads, so Sam picked the teenager. He
picked right. The stop sign was run only 76 times, but the teen clicked 120 times.
Sixty-year-old Sam jumped for joy, for he had just won 1000 times 120, or
$120,000. Sam dreamily left the lottery studio. Talking excitedly on his cell phone
while crossing the street, he got hit by a little sports car.

Sam is slowly getting better. He was in the hospital for a month. His hospital
bill was $110,000. And the insurance company for the little sports car's owner sued
Sam for $9,000 worth of repairs. Also, Sam still has to pay federal taxes on his
winnings. Sam doesn't play the state lottery any more. He says it's better to be
Inmates released two correctional officers they had held for a week in the
tower at the state prison complex. The inmates captured the officers a week ago
after the two officers tried to quell a food fight in the main dining room. The food
fight erupted when the prisoners discovered that their candy ration had been cut in
half. The candy is a popular bartering item. Inmates trade it for cigarettes, cigars,
magazines, stationery, legal dictionaries, and other items. Prison officials said it
was necessary to cut back on this luxury item in order to provide basic items, like
soap and razors and toilet paper.
The prisoners went berserk over the reduction. They threw food, plates, and
silverware at the doors, windows, and guards. Then they grabbed two guards and
hauled them up to the tower. Once they had the tower door secured, they sent
messages to prison officials demanding big bags of candy in exchange for sparing
the guards' lives. The warden complied with their demands. After a week of
negotiations, the prisoners approved a deal which restored their candy ration, but in
return the administration said they would have to reduce daily soap allotments by
75 percent.

Two mayors made a bet on the outcome of the Vegetable Bowl, the annual
football game between their high school teams. If Arvada's team lost, the mayor of
Arvada would send the mayor of Boulder ten pounds of sliced potatoes, ready for
frying. If Boulder's team lost, the mayor would send ten pounds of sliced tomatoes,
ready for sandwiches or salads.
Unfortunately, before the game started, the mayor of Boulder overheard the
Arvada mayor tell someone: "They grow the worst tomatoes. If they lose and send
us their tomatoes, I'm going to give them all to my pig." The mayor of Boulder was
upset to hear this, because he thought Boulder's tomatoes were the best in the state.
So he gave the matter some thought.
The following week, the big game was played. Boulder lost its star quarterback
in the first half when he tripped over a cheerleader and sprained his big toe. The
quarterback glumly watched the rest of the game from the bench. His team ended
up losing, 38 to 12. The two mayors shook hands after the game, and the Arvada
mayor said, "I'm really looking forward to those tomatoes." As the Boulder team
left the stadium, some unhappy fans threw ripe tomatoes at them.
A week later, the mayor of Arvada received a package of beautifully sliced
tomatoes. He took them straight to his pig, which gobbled them right up. That night
the mayor of Boulder asked his wife if Arvada's mayor had called. "No," she said.
"Why?" "Because I mixed a pint of hot sauce into the tomatoes and I wanted to
know how his pig's doing."

Goats are being hired to do the work of men in a neighborhood just outside of
San Diego. The fires that occurred in Hillborough four years ago destroyed thirty
homes, most of which have been rebuilt. While contractors were rebuilding the
homes, nature was regrowing the grasses, bushes, and shrubs. The area is now so
overgrown in brush that it again poses a major fire hazard.
The city council asked for bids to remove the brush. The lowest bid they
received was $50,000. And that was if the city provided breakfast and lunch for the
work crews for the six weeks it would take to clear the overgrown area. The city
countered, offering unlimited coffee (black only) and a doughnut a day for each
crew member. When that offer was rejected, the city asked for help on its website.
A sheepherder in Montana and a goatherder in San Bernardino read about the
city's plight while surfing the web on their laptops. They both offered to do the job
for $25,000. The council chose the goatherder because he lived closer. When told
that the city dump was overflowing, the goatherder said, "No problem. My goats
will eat everything in your dump. Except for the automobile engines, of course."
So, for another $5,000, the city killed two birds with one stone. If all goes well,
they will invite the goatherder and his "family" back every three years. The
goatherder said he will probably visit San Diego while his goats are in the dump. "I
want to take one of those hang-glider rides. I just hope we don't crash. My goats
would miss me a lot," he said.

The owner of a missing cat is asking for help. "My baby has been missing for
over a month now, and I want him back so badly," said Mrs. Brown, a 56-year-old
woman. Mrs. Brown lives by herself in a trailer park near Clovis. She said that
Clyde, her 7-year-old cat, didn't come home for dinner more than a month ago. The
next morning he didn't appear for breakfast either. After Clyde missed an
extra-special lunch, she called the police.
When the policeman asked her to describe Clyde, she told him that Clyde had
beautiful green eyes, had all his teeth but was missing half of his left ear, and was
seven years old and completely white. She then told the officer that Clyde was
about a foot high.
A bell went off. "Is Clyde your child or your pet?" the officer suspiciously
asked. "Well, he's my cat, of course," Mrs. Brown replied. "Lady, you're supposed
to report missing PERSONS, not missing CATS," said the irritated policeman.
"Well, who can I report this to?" she asked. "You can't. You have to ask around
your neighborhood or put up flyers," replied the officer.
Mrs. Brown figured that a billboard would work a lot better than an 8"x11"
piece of paper on a telephone pole. There was an empty billboard at the end of her
street just off the interstate highway. The billboard had a phone number on it. She
called that number, and they told her they could blow up a picture of Clyde (from
Mrs. Brown's family album) and put it on the billboard for all to see.
"But how can people see it when they whiz by on the interstate?" she asked.
"Oh, don't worry, ma'am, they only whiz by between 2 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. The rest

of the day, the interstate is so full of commuters that no one moves." They told her
it would cost only $3,000 a month. So she took most of the money out of her
savings account and rented the billboard for a month.
The month has passed, but Clyde has not appeared. Because she has almost no
money in savings, Mrs. Brown called the local newspaper to see if anyone could
help her rent the billboard for just one more month. She is waiting but, so far, no
one has stepped forward.
A man accused of failing to return more than 700 children's books to five
different libraries in the county was released from jail yesterday after a book
publisher agreed to post his bond of $1,000. The publisher said, "There's a story
here. This is a man who loves books. He just can't let go of them. He hasn't stolen a
single book. So what's the crime? We think that Mr. Barush has a story to tell. We
plan to publish his story."
When asked why he didn't return the books, Mr. Barush said, "Well, how could
I? They became family to me. I was afraid to return them, because I knew that kids
or dogs would get hold of these books and chew them up, throw them around, rip
the pages, spill soda on them, get jam and jelly on them, and drown them in the
He continued, "Books are people, too! They talk to you, they take care of you,
and they enrich you with wisdom and humor and love. A book is my guest in my

home. How could I kick it out? I repaired torn pages. I dusted them with a soft
clean cloth. I turned their pages so they could breathe and get some fresh air.
"Every week I reorganized them on their shelves so they could meet new
friends. My books were HAPPY books. You could tell just by looking at them.
Now they're all back in the library, on the lower shelves, on the floors, at the mercy
of all those runny-nosed kids. I can hear them calling me! I need to rescue them.
Excuse me. I have to go now."