The Laughter Book

Angelically Funny
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CONTENTS
1. ANIMAL FARM.....................................................................................................4 2. BATTLE OF THE SEXES...................................................................................14 3. BUREAUCRACY AND OFFICIALDOM .............................................................58 4. DUMB AND DUMBER........................................................................................71 5. GET ANOTHER ROUND IN .............................................................................104 6. GOOD MEDICINE.............................................................................................111 7. LITTLE ANGELS ..............................................................................................118 8. THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW .......................................................................129 9. ODDS ‘N’ SODS ...............................................................................................153 10. POINTS TO PONDER ....................................................................................182 11. POLITICS AS USUAL ....................................................................................188 12. TECHNICAL HITCH .......................................................................................194 13. THAT OLD TIME RELIGION ..........................................................................209 14. THEY SAID WHAT?? .....................................................................................216 15. TOP TIPS ........................................................................................................244 16. XENOPHOBES CORNER ..............................................................................250

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Animal Farm

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1. ANIMAL FARM
TWO PRAWNS There were two prawns, James and Christian, swimming along the bottom of the ocean. James accidentally rubs up against an old lantern and whoosh, a genie appears and grants James two wishes. After a moment's thought James decides that he wants to become a shark so as to gain the respect of all the creatures of the sea. Whoosh............. James becomes a shark and swims off. Two weeks later James is upset. All of his old friends are now afraid of him and his life is miserable. He decides to use his second wish, and he wishes to be a prawn once again. Whoosh.......... Now a prawn again, James swims away to look for his mate Christian. When he arrives at Christian's house he knocks on the door and shouts out for Christian. "Go away", says Christian, "you're a shark and you'll just eat me". "No I won't", shouts James, "I'm a prawn again Christian".

THE WORLD EXPERT ON EUROPEAN WASPS The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make available now" Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window," he says. "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

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The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those." "I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another ten minutes." The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!" "I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have five more minutes." Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP." "I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR A man walks into a bar with the dirtiest most disgusting pig you've ever seen. The bartender looks at him and says "My God! Where did you find such a filthy animal?" "I found him outside the bar!" replied the pig!

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Battle Of The Sexes

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2. BATTLE OF THE SEXES
HIS & HERS ATM'S His: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Pull up to ATM Insert card Enter PIN and account Take cash, card and receipt Drive away

Hers: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Back up and pull forward to get closer 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it. 9. Enter PIN 10. Study instructions. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Re-enter correct PIN 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. Stop 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Check makeup 34. Put car in drive 35. Drive away from machine 36. Drive 3 miles 37. Release parking brake
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THERE WERE THREE GUYS TALKING There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'." An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
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Bureaucracy and Officialdom

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3. BUREAUCRACY AND OFFICIALDOM
STATE OF MONTANA GRIZZLY BEAR NOTICE January 27 In light of the rising frequency of recent human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is today advising hikers, hunters, and fisherman to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise the outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should also recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop, however, is much larger and has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

THE FOLLOWING IS A REAL JOB APPLICATION! The following is a real job application submitted at a fast-food establishment........and they hired him! Q: NAME? A: Greg Bulmash Q: DESIRED POSITION? A: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. Q: DESIRED SALARY? A: $24,185,000 a year plus stock options and a massive severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. Q: EDUCATION? A: Yes. Q: LAST POSITION HELD? A: Target for middle management hostility. Q: SALARY? A: Less than I am worth.
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Q: MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT? A: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. Q: DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? A: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. Q: MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? A: If I had one, would I be here? Q: DO YOU HAVE A CAR? A: I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?’ Q: HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? A: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes Q: DO YOU SMOKE? A: Only when set on fire. Q: WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? A: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now. Q: DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? A: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

A JOB APPLICANT AND AN EMPLOYER Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant." Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants." Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor." Employer: "More than we can use already." Applicant: (getting desperate) "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor." Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications." Applicant: (standing up and yelling), "To work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!" Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were a Project Manager, have a seat, we may have an opening."
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A BOSS CALLS ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES A boss calls one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice -chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

THE MANAGER OF A LARGE OFFICE The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?" the manager asks sternly. "John," the new guy replies. The manager scowls before saying, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager pauses before saying, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."

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Dumb and Dumber

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4. DUMB AND DUMBER
ALMOST DARWIN AWARD WINNERS These are not DARWIN Award Winners, but they are pretty close... With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up... And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. And for the Main Course A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs. The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. Have I Got A Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travellers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendours of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon were also available. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

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Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

BUYING A CHAINSAW This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself. The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

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Get Another Round In

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5. GET ANOTHER ROUND IN
THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKEDNESS Stage 1 -- Smart This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in. Stage 2 – Good looking This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because, of course, they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the centre of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the Earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun. Stage 3 -- Rich This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire room and put it on your bill because you surely have an armoured truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, best looking, and richest person on the face of the Earth.

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Stage 4 -- Bulletproof You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worries about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you win a fight that might erupt if he loses. Stage 5 -- Invisible This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.

BRENDA O’MALLEY WAS HOME MAKING DINNER Brenda O'Malley was home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrived at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asked. "I've something to tell you." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where is my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling you, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness Brewery..." "Oh God no! Cried Brenda. " Please don't tell me..." "I must Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally she asks Tim how it happened. "It was terrible Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. "Oh my dear Jesus. But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"" “Well no, Brenda, no.” Tim says. “Fact is he got out three times to pee."
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A BLIND MAN ENTERS A LADIES BAR A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair given that you are blind that you should know five things: 1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

YOU ARE DRIVING A CAR You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig that is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

A PROFESSOR OF CHEMISTRY A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor, putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
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Good Medicine

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6. GOOD MEDICINE
A MAN HASN’T BEEN FEELING TOO WELL A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?" "Nine..."

A MAN CAME ROUND IN A HOSPITAL A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

AN 80 YEAR OLD MAN GOES FOR A PHYSICAL An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof the light goes on. When I'm done, poof the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?" "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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A DOCTOR OF PSYCHOLOGY A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

WELCOME TO THE PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline! - If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. - If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. - If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. - If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. - If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. - If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

FROM ACTUAL MEDICAL RECORDS The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D. for the Journal of Court Reporting: * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. * The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
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Little Angels

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7. LITTLE ANGELS
SOME INTERESTING INTERPRETATIONS Here are some interesting interpretations of nature from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world: • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire." "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water" "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube" "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state" "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." "The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader." "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u." "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects." "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception." "Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Litre: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
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• • • • • • • • • • • •

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• • • • • • • • • • • • •

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops." "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration." "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

TEACHER AND STUDENT TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." ----------------------TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On the floor? CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables! ----------------------TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?" JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! -----------------------

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Long Arm of the Law

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8. THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW
A MOTORIST WAS UNKNOWINGLY CAUGHT A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 dollars and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 dollars. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

THE NYPD, THE FBI & THE CIA The NYPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President of the United States decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA went in. They placed animal informants throughout the forest. They questioned all plants and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that the rabbit did not exist in the first place. The FBI went in. After two weeks with no clue they burned the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they made no apologies. The NYPD went in. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling: 'Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.'

FARMER JOE Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'“ Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
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The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semitruck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

TWO GUYS ARE SPEEDING Two guys are speeding while driving through Texas and get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's side window. The driver slowly rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick. "Ow!" says the driver "What did you do that for?" The trooper says, "Son, you're in Texas, when I pull you over, you will have you're license ready." The driver says, "Sorry sir, I'm not from around here." The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives him his license back, then the trooper walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him in the head with his nightstick. "Ow!" says the passenger. "What the heck was that for?" The trooper replies "Just making your wish come true." "What in the world does that mean?" the guy asks. The trooper says, "Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that punk would have tried that with me!"
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Odds ‘n’ Sods

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9. ODDS ‘N’ SODS
THE PRESIDENT, THE POPE AND A RABBI The President, the pope, and a rabbi went into a bar. The bartender said, "What is this, a joke?"

ANAGRAMS! An anagram is a word or phrase made by rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are very clever: Dormitory Desperation The Morse Code Slot Machines Animosity Mother-in-law Snooze Alarms Alec Guinness The Public Art Galleries A Decimal Point The Earthquakes Eleven plus two Contradiction Dirty Room A Rope Ends It Here Come Dots Cash Lost in 'em Is No Amity Woman Hitler Alas! No More Z's Genuine Class Large Picture Halls, I Bet I'm a Dot in Place That Queer Shake Twelve plus one Accord not in it

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EMAIL WARNINGS ... ALL IN ONE Do you believe in email warnings and urban myths? Here's something all strung together for the more paranoid: I know this guy whose neighbour, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to 20 people you will have good luck but 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

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A MAN ENTERS A BARBER SHOP A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

TWO LADIES WERE TALKING IN HEAVEN Two ladies were talking in Heaven: 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

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Points to Ponder

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10.

POINTS TO PONDER

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wise guy’ opposite? Is it possible to have a civil war?

SOME QUESTIONS 1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? 2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? 3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? 5. Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection? 6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him? 8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? 10. What is the speed of darkness? 11. Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at The Special Olympics? 12. If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
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13. If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? 14. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? 15. If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here? 16. Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? 17. If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation? 18. Can you cry under water? 19. What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 20. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? 21. Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 22. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases? 23. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours? 24. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 25. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? 26. Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? They're still going to see you naked anyway. MORE STUFF TO PONDER ! If it was only a 3-hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes? ! Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF? ! Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date? ! What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? ! IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro", then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

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Politics as Usual

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11.

POLITICS AS USUAL

IDEOLOGIES A quick easy to understand guide to political ideologies; FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich. MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
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CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad fengshui. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallo centric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non specified gender. COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You have *got* to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

PRESIDENT BUSH VISITS A CLASSROOM President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks President Bush if he would like to lead the discussion of the word 'tragedy.' So the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him that would be a 'tragedy'." "No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains President Bush. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'." The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says: "If Air Force One carrying you, Mr. President, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'."
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"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?" "Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss', and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either."

SMALL BITES Q: How can you tell that President Clinton is sure he's going to be re-elected? A: He started dating again! --------Q:How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White House with a plane was insane? A: Apparently he thought President Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. --------Q: What did Bill Clinton say when asked about the campaign promises he broke? A: "They seemed kinda like marriage vows." --------Q: What was Bill Clinton's favourite part of the Olympics? A: The Opening Ceremonies because it was the only time he could be around an old flame and not have to dodge allegations. --------Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed schoolteacher? A: He has no class and no principals. --------Q: Why weren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.

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Technical Hitch
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12.

TECHNICAL HITCH

TECH SUPPORT Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." User: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" User: "How do I know when it's ready?

A SERVER CRASHES One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

SYMPTOMS, FAULTS AND ACTIONS SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
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SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

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That Old Time Religion

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13.

THAT OLD TIME RELIGION

A DRUNKEN MAN IN CHURCH A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

THE POPE AND QUEEN ELIZABETH The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts her.

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HOW MANY COMMANDMENTS? God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They answered "Sorry, we are not interested." Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not steal." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested." Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbours wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered. Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten of them!"

SEASONS’ GREETINGS A Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest enjoyed teasing their Rabbi friend, continually asking him when he was going to convert to their religion. When the Holidays rolled around, the Rabbi sent them the following card: "Season's Greetings! Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish; When the Messiah comes, you'll wish you were Jewish!!"

KNOW A PRAYER? A boat is sinking fast when the Captain runs on deck and shouts to the passengers, "Hey, listen, do any of you know any prayers?" A big Texan steps up and says, "Yessir, I do." "Oh, good," replies the Captain, "You'd better get started because we're a life jacket short."

TWO NUNS ON A PLANE There were two nuns going on a plane to Hawaii and they were discussing if the place was pronounced Havaii or Haya-ii. Soon the discussion turned into an argument and then one of the nuns turned round to the person sitting opposite and said, "Excuse me sir, you seem like a well travelled man. Please can you tell us, is the place that we are going to called Havaii, or Haya-ii?"
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The man brought his eyebrows together in thought and paused for a second. "It is called Havaii!" he exclaimed. "See said one to the nuns, I told you so..." Then the man said, "Vhy do you vant to know?

A MARRIAGE IN HEAVEN On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and they begin to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect and all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard into the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Good grief!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer!?"

IT’S RECRUITMENT TIME There once was a consultant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
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They Said What

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14.

THEY SAID WHAT??

A FEW ONE LINERS ! Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. ! When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. ! Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. ! Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. ! I feel like I'm diagonally parked, in a parallel universe. ! He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged. ! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. ! I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. ! When shooting a mime, do you need a silencer? ! Honk if you love peace and quiet. ! Pardon my driving, I am reloading. ! Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? ! Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. ! Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock. ! Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it? ! Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth. ! A day without sun shine is like, night. ! When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles scream and shout. ! I think your hard drive has a slipped disk. ! Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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! Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine. ! Dyslexics of the world, untie. ! I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. ! I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. ! Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch. ! Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.

VERY QUOTABLE COMMENTATOR QUOTES!! "Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman) "Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson) "It’s a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman) "Willie Carson, riding his 180th winner of the season, spent the last two furlongs looking over one shoulder, then another, even between his legs, but there was nothing there to worry him." (Sporting Life) "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker) After England played Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup Finals: “We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson) "And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman) On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush) "Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" (John Arlott)

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Top Tips

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15.

TOP TIPS

PERILS OF SKIING Ten exercises to remind one that skiing really isn't what you want to be doing... 10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. 8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line. 5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. 3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker! 2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

SOME MORE TIPS DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. ---------

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CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a wee before the film starts. --------RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. --------BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you. --------EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. --------MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. --------GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. --------BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. --------BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. --------ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness. --------DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. ---------

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Xenophobes Corner

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16.

XENOPHOBES CORNER

THE TOP 39 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER HEAR A HILLBILLY SAY: 39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex" 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. 30. Wrasslin's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my hair is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? 24. Who's Richard Petty? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spitting is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on a floppy disk. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? 12. My fiancée, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 9. Checkmate. 8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini. 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 5. I don't have a favourite college team. 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Hillbilly say is -1. Elvis who?
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THE AMERICANS AND THE RUSSIANS The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever country's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing country would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweiler’s in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after 5 years came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the dachshund came out of his cage and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of his cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. ""Really", the Americans replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

YOU MIGHT NOT BE A REDNECK IF 1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." 2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY! 3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. 4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. 5. You don't know what a moon pie is. 6. You've never had grain alcohol. 7. You've never, ever, eaten okra.
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Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the middle east ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for help". Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win".

MISUNDERSTOOD Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N. asking all children of the world. Only one question was asked: "Would you please give your own opinion about food shortage in other countries?" But there was not a single response to the survey because no child understood the question. - Children in Africa didn't understand what "food" meant. - Children in Europe didn't understand what "shortage" meant. - Children in Latin America didn't understand what "would you please" meant. - Children in Asia didn't understand what "your own opinion" meant. - And, children in the USA didn't understand what "other countries" meant!

THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY * Log Off - Don't add any more wood * Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue * Download - Get the firewood off the ute * Hard drive - trip back home without any cold tinnies * Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once * Keyboard - where you hang the ute and bike keys * Window - What you shut when it's cold * Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
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