Mistaken

Goal Chart
www.positivediscipline.com

The child's If the parent/ And tends to And if the child's

goal is:
teacher feels:
react by:
response is:

The Belief behind How adults may

child's behavior is:
contribute:

7
Coded messages

8
Parent/teacher proactive
and empowering
responses include:

Annoyed Reminding
Stops
temporarily, but I count (belong)
Undue
later
resumes same or only when I'm
Attention Irritated Coaxing

"I don't have faith in Notice Me Redirect

b y i nvolving
c hild
i n a u seful

you to deal with
. task to gain useful attention;
Say what you will do, "I love you and
t hings
for the another disturbing
being noticed or
disappointment." Involve Me
. Worried Doing
____." (Example: "I care about you and
Guilty child
h e/she could behavior. getting
special
"I feel guilty if you
(to keep
will spend time with you later.")
Usefully
do for him/herself Stops when given one- service. aren't
happy."
others busy
Avoid special services;
on-one
a
ttention.
I'm
o
nly
i
mportant
or get special
Say it only once and then act;
when
I
'm
k
eeping
Have faith in child to deal with feelings
service)
you busy with me.
(don't fix or rescue);
Plan special time;
Set up routines;
Engage child in problem-solving;
Use family/class meetings;
Ignore (touch without words);
Set up nonverbal signals.

Fighting Intensifies

behavior I belong only when "I'm in control and
Misguided Angry
Giving
i n
Defiant
compliance I'm
b oss, in control, you must do what I
Power Challenged

Let Me Help Acknowledge

that you can't make
. him/her do something and redirect to
positive power by asking for help;
Thinking
" You
Feels he/she's won
or proving no one say." Give Me
. Threatened

Offer a limited choice;
Defeated










can't










g


et





a


way








when
p
arent/teacher
can
b
oss
m
e.














"I




b


elieve











t


hat


t
elling
(to be boss)
Don't fight and don't give in;
Choices
with it" or is upset You
can't make me.
"I'll make you" Passive
P ower

Wanting to be
right

you what to do, and

lecturing or punishing
you when you don't
do it, is the best way
to motivate you to do
better."

Withdraw from conflict and calm down;

Be firm and kind;
Act, don't talk;
Decide what you will do;
Let routines be the boss;
Develop mutual respect;
Get help from child to set reasonable
and few limits;
Practice follow-through;
Use family/class meetings.

Retaliates

I d on't
think I
Revenge Hurt
Retaliating

"I give advice (without I'm Hurting Acknowledge

hurt feelings;
even Hurt
o thers belong
so I'll hurt listening to you)
. Disappointed Getting
. Don't take behavior personally;
Avoid punishment and retaliation;

"How
Damages property others
a s I feel hurt. because
I t hink
I 'm

(to get even) Disbelieving Thinking
Validate My Build trust;
Disgusted could your do this Gets even I can't be liked or helping."
Use reflective listening;
Feelings
to me?" Intensifies

loved.

"I expect you to know
Share your feelings;
Taking behavior
Escalates the same
why I focus more on
Apologize;
personally
behavior or chooses
your grades than I
Make amends;
another weapon
focus on you as a
Show you care;
person."
Act, don't talk;
Encourage strengths;
Put kids in same boat;
Use family/class meetings.

up Retreats

further I d on't believe I can "I expect you to live
Assumed Despair Giving
Doing
for Passive
belong,

so I'll
up to my high
Inadequacy Hopeless

Don't Give Up Break task down to small steps;

On Me Make
task easier until child experiences
success;
Helpless












Over








h
elping














No






i
mprovement











convince




o
thers
n
ot
expectations."












.
. Set up opportunities for success;
Inadequate
Showing a lack of No response to
e xpect

anything "I thought it was my
(to give up
Show Me A Take time for training;
faith
Avoid trying
of me; job to do things for
and be left
Teach skills/show how, but don't do for;
Small Step
I am helpless and you."
alone)

unable;
It's no use trying
because I won't do
it right.

Stop all criticism;

Encourage any positive attempt, no
matter how small;
Show faith in child's abilities;
Focus on asset;
Don't pity;
Don't give up;
Enjoy the child;
Build on his/her interests;
Use family/class meetings.