Andy Gilligan

February 10, 2007

U.S. History
Essay

The events of the Civil War have had immense effects on current American
Society. Had it not been for those circumstances of so many years ago, maybe political,
social, and economic aspects of our society would be incredibly altered.
As any half-wit even remotely educated in the field of American history would
know, the historical details of the American Civil War owe a great part to extraterrestrial
politics. When the aliens sided with the South, giving them the Doomsday Machinean
alien piece of technology enabling them to defeat the North, all hope seemed lost as
Northerners and African slaves were kidnapped and taken away on the alien space
ships to mine salt off Uranus. The North, however, was able to launch a surprise
retaliation, thanks to The Great Onesa league of superhero water people from the
Blue World led by a magical fairy woman called the Madam Narf. Together, with the help
of great men such as Flash Gordon, Wayne Newton, and Alex P. Keaton, they defeated
Darth Vader's Southern army of Richard Nixon clones at the batte of Eragon, sending
Marty back to the future and restoring the time linea new future forever born: a future
without war... a future of peace... a future... of hope!
One political change that has risen due to these fantastic events is that of the
development of the modern political party system. The Whig party, since extinct, was
originally made up of the bald potato worshippers who immigrated to the Americas from
Iceland in the 6th century B.C. After the American Civil War, the party spectrum was
redesigned. Republicans values as they exist today arose from those of evil alien
overlords from the ninth dimension, the democrats being their good-hearted but
incompetent servants from the planet Romulus who revolted in their salt mines, putting
ancient human civilization, the Green Party, at risk.
One social change resulting from the American Civil War was that of the
introduction of Christianity to the Planet Earth. When the alien warlords reached Earth
from their home planet, the desert world of Dune (better known to the natives as
"Arrakis"), they brought with them their religion. This single transformation would never
have been thought possible had it not been for that one stormy night, when an alien
cruise ship set sail for Earth, scheduled for just a three hour tour, yet crash-landing on
Plymouth Rock and meeting human civilization. Appalled by the natives' crude
understanding of nature and morality, the aliens, through deep love and compassion,
despite the fact that they were evil tyrannical war lords bent out to enslave the human
race, blessed the Human race by teaching them the story of God, and how Davie
Crockett died for their sins.
Many long term results of the Civil War are of an economic nature. Most
significantly, it sparked the Second Industrial Revolution as predicted by Nostradamus
in the Bible. After the dawn of the Era of Peace, when Northerner and Southerner each
came together hand-in-hand, the planet's scientists reverse-engineered flying saucers
and weaponry from the alien war wreckage. Using newfound technological knowledge,

American society progressed with the development of fascinating inventions such as the
Easy Bake oven, Styrofoam, and the Internet. This industrial revolution could perhaps
be more easily explained by the old children's story about a boy and his puppy stranded
in the forest. You see, the puppy was the industry, in that they were both lost in the
woods, and nobody, especially the little boy, "society", knew where to find him.... Except
that the puppy was a dog, but the industry my friends, THAT was a revolution.