THE ALL NEW FREAKS TIMES IS HERE!!!

I’M HATIN’ IT

13/10/2006 FRIDAY 11.59PM

In This Issue
 The story of how the mooncake festival came about  The Bee Mooncake Bakery opening special—promotions and lots of exotic flavours  Meng Po Soup Shop—The only place where you can still find traditional soup with highlybeneficial qualities.

The Mooncake festival History
Greetings Fellow Freaks! The Freaks Times is finally back by popular demand—now revamped and improved after the Freaks Guild Members have recuperated from the examinations stress at Allopia Spy School.(ASS)
For the ignorant souls, the story of how the Mooncake festival came about goes like this... In BC 999, there lived a beautiful young lady named Chang e. She was delicate and demure, highly talented in poetry, painting, dancing and singing. One day, she was playing the qin in a small pavilion on Mount Ro (Ro Shan). A young hero named Hou Yi was shooting ducks at a lake nearby. Attracted by the beautiful sound of the qin, he went in search of the source of the music. He came to the small pavilion and saw the pretty Chang e and instantly fell in love with her. They began dating each other secretly over the next few weeks because Hou Yi said his parents forbade him to date before he passed his imperial exams which was impending. Chang e had an elder sister named Duan e who was the complete opposite of Chang e. True to her name, she was short and her physical looks left much to be desired. She was lazy, bad-tempered and spoilt. But her parents loved her more than they love Chang e because they believed that she was their lucky charm-Since her birth, their family began to prosper. Duan e was way past her marriageable age but could find no suiters, or rather, no suiters wanted her. She became deeply resentful of her sister chang e who was the object of envy of every women, and the desire of every man in their town. She always tried to make life difficult for Chang e and so Chang e tried her best to stay out of her way. A few weeks after Chang e met Hou Yi, Duan e began noticing something strange about Chang e. She seemed to have become more cheerful and often went into a seemingly blissful trance throughout the day. She would sing and dance in the garden and write letters secretly. Duan e, being the mean and contemptible person that she was, decided to follow her on one of her trips to Mount Ro. Chang e had brought along her qin as usual and she sat down at the wooden table in the pavilion and began playing the qin. Duan e hid behind a tree that was wide enough to block her girth and she waited for a long time. As the time wore on, she became more and more sleepy due to the lulling effect of the music and the afternoon sun. After what seemed like hours, she decided to return home for teatime. But before she could turn, she heard the music stop. Duan e quickly turned around to look and to her astonishment she saw the most handsome man she had ever seen. She gazed at him longingly, mesmerized by his charm. “He is only a poor hunter. What a pity. I’ll have him as my toyboy!” Duan e thought to herself. Then, she saw Chang e leaning against

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Meng Mei Congee Shop—Selling only 2 types of congee : Meng Mei Moon Essence Congee and Meng Mei Toxic Congee

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him and she immediately felt intense hatred towards chang e. “You will not have him!” Duan e thought furiously. She then went home, fuming all the way. And so, she began her devious scheme of sabotaging chang e and hou yi’s relationship. One night, she decided to confront Chang e. “So, my dear sister, don’t think I don’t know you’re having a clandestine affair. A tryst every now and then, do you not? What shame you’ve brought to our family. I shall expose your shameful deeds to ma and pa and see what they’ll do to you!” Duan e said to chang e spitefully. Chang e looked at her sister in shock. She had not expected her affairs to be discovered by someone. She looked at her sister imploringly,”Oh dear sister, please do not tell ma and pa! I know I am wrong! I promise to stop seeing him!” Chang e broke down in tears. The thought that she could not see hou ti ever again pained her immensely. Duan e sneered at her and left the room. Chang e wept throughout the night. The next day when she woke up she found her whole family sitting in the grand hall looking very grim. Sensing something was amiss, she asked softly to no one in particular,”Erm...what’s going on?” Her father walked towards her and gave her a hard resounding slap across her cheeks. The force of the slap and the terrible pain caused her to collapse onto the floor. She began to sob uncontrollably. No one lifted a finger to help her up. Her maid whom she was very close with looked on in terror, not daring to speak up for her even though she wanted to. “Duan e told us about the shameful things you have done! How dare you! You are so shameless! You have brought shame to our family! Duan e told us that you are no longer chaste! How long have you been seeing this lowly man in secret?!!” Her father bellowed irately, his veins throbbing. “No! I am chaste! We have not done anything immoral! Believe me pa!” Chang e pleaded tearfully. Duan e who was standing beside their mother smirked. Of course, her father did not believe her and after beating her up he had her locked up in her room. A few days later, Hou Yi heard about what happened and quickly rushed over to chang e’s home to explain to their parents. He received a very cold reception from the family. Moreover, he was dressed like a hunter and he received looks of disgust and disdain from the family. He was not allowed to see chang e even though he begged with her parents for a long time. He decided to go home and confess to his parents what had happened. His parents were very angry but agreed to help him mediate since he said that the girl came from a family of high class-status. The next day, Hou Yi and his parents went to chang e’s family, bringing along many expensive bethrothal gifts. This time, Hou yi dressed up in his costly outfit befitting his status of a noble family’s son. Chang e’s parents’ attitude towards him reversed completely. Realizing that Hou YI actually came from a highly prestigious and affluent family, they immediately agreed to their marriage. Duan e fumed at this turn of events. She stormed out of the house cursing and spilling vulgarities. She stormed up Mount Ro and thrashed angrily at the trees. All of a sudden, an avalanche of apples dropped from the tree and hit her on her head. She fell onto the ground unconscious. The next moment when she regained consciousness, she found herself lying on the ground atop a very high mountain. There was no trees, no grass, no flowers. Just rocks and gravel on the mountaintop. Surrounding the mountain were several other mountains, but lower than the one she was on. The scenery was breathtaking. She could see a sea of cloud a few feet below her. “Holy shit. Am I dead?” Duan e thought. Then, she noticed that she was not alone. An ancient old man was sitting at the peak of the mountain in a lotus position. He seemed to me meditating. A few moments later he suddenly opened his eyes and looked at duan e with an expressionless look on his face. “Who are you?” Duan e asked him cautiously. “I am SSW the immortal of Mount Pra..” “Mount Pra? Never heard of it. I only know of Mount Ro. Are they brothers?” Duan e giggled nervously at her lame joke. Somehow this old man appeared formidable and intimidating and had an unsettling effect on her. “Ever since the dinosaurs ceased to exist Life for me has been a misery My T-Rex brothers who taught me to roar My pterodactyl who taught me to soar Couldn’t survive the asteroid attacks except me.” Immortal SSW recited poetically yet mournfully. “You have dinosaur friends?” Duan e asked incredulously. “YES! They have all gone! The asteroids killed them! I am all alone in this world now.” Immortal SSW said agitatedly.

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“Erm...well ok. So what am I doing here?” Duan e continued. “You are here because you chanced upon my inter-universe portal. Were you hit by apples before you arrived here?” Immortal SSW asked. “Yes! How did you know? Er...what? Inter-universe portal?” Duan e asked getting more befuddled by the seconds. “ Many many years ago, when the dinosaurs were still alive, I used to play hide-and-seek with my dinosaur friends. I realized that I have extraordinary powers and I could create a magic portal to hide myself. Later I realized that the portal is actually a door to a parallel universe. On the day of the asteroid attack, I was under the apple tree and I was using my powers to create a portal with the tree. One minute after I succeeded, the asteroid attacks started and the earth shook violently. There were huge balls of fire everywhere. Apples from the tree came down like avalanche and knocked me unconscious and transported me to this mountain which I named Mount Pra. Luckily, the tree was left undestroyed because of the magic I had cast on it. A few months later, I finally found a way to get myself back to the universe I came from and found only ruins upon ruins. All life had ceased to exist. Everywhere I saw death and grey ash. The sky was red and it was unbearably hot. I grieved for the death of all my friends. I gathered all the powers I had to breathe life into earth once more. After that I decided to leave and permanently reside on Mount Pra because I can’t bear to undergo another widespread destruction and more deaths.” Immortal SSW said gravely as tears rolled down his wrinkled cheeks. “ Er..that’s sad...so can you get me back home?” Duan e asked impatiently. “Fate has brought you to this place. Thank you for listening to my story. I shall grant you a wish. Is there anything you want?” Immortal SSW asked her. Duan e’s face lit up immediately. “I can ask for anything?” She asked with a greedy look on her face. “Yes.” Immortal SSW replied tersely. There was nothing that Duan e wanted more than having Chang e disappearing from the face of this earth. She told him just that. Without a word, Immortal SSW rubbed his body all over and a small black pill materialized in his hands. He put the pill in Duan e’s hand, who grimaced a little as she took it from his hand and quickly stuffed it in her sleeves. He then said,” This pill will make a person fly to the moon and never be able to return.” He then pointed out an apple out of thin air and said,”Bite this apple and you’ll be transported back to your universe. But before you go, I must remind you that your wish carries ill-intent. Your wish will come true but you will have to…” before Immortal SSW could finish his words, Duan e had grabbed the apple from his hand and bit into it and she instantly vanished. “...face the karma..”Immortal SSW said to thin air as Duan e had disappeared. He sighed and went back to his meditation. The next instant, Duan e found herself beside the apple tree once more. She gleefully returned home to find Hou Yi’s family and her parents chatting happily in the dining room. She smiled her sweetest smile at Hou Yi and thought secretly,” Soon, you’ll be mine!” The wedding date was set to after Hou Yi’s imperial exams. Meanwhile, they were allowed to see each other openly. One month later, Hou YI had to leave the town to take his exams in the capital. Chang e bade farewell to Hou Yi tearfully but they were heartened by their impending wedding once he returns. But alas, it was not to be as you will see. One fateful night two days before the day that Hou Yi was set to return home, Chang e was playing the qin in the pavilion at night under the big and almost round moon. Duan e put the immortal pill inside a bottle and went to the pavilion to look for chang e. “Chang e, I am sorry for what I did to you in the past. I hope you’ll forgive me.” Duan e said as she put on her most innocent and repenting look. “My dear sister, of course I’ll forgive you. I’ll be leaving this home after I marry Hou Yi and I’ll miss you dearly.” Chang e said, glad that her enmity with her sister could be buried, or so she thought. “I have a gift for you. It’s a pill which I spent weeks searching for and I even got all my friends all over China to help look for it. It’s a miracle beauty pill, produced by a very famous physician-cum-beautician. I would like you to have it, so that you will be the most beautiful bride in the world!” Duan e said and offered the bottle to Chang e. “Oh this is the most wonderful present ever! Thank you Duan e! You really are the best sister!” Chang e chirped cheerfully. “You must take it now so that you’ll look your best on your wedding day!” Duan e continued evilly. Chang e popped the pill into her mouth and took a sip of tea. The next few moments, nothing seemed to happen. Chang e continued chatting lightheartedly. But all of a sudden, Chang e put her hands to her chest and breathed heavily,” What’s going on? I feel strange. I feel...very light.” As she uttered the last word her feet began to lift from the floor. Duan e smirked at Chang e.

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“You’ll be the most beautiful bride on the moon. Trust me. Ha ha ha!” Duan e laughed wickedly. Chang e screamed in fear,” NO NO! What’s happening!!! Help me! Somebody help me!” She quickly grabbed the pillar to stop herself from floating away but she could not overcome the pulling force of the moon. Duan e watched as Chang e floated further and further away towards the moon until she could no longer be seen. Suddenly an idea hit her. She could ask the Immortal SSW to change her looks to chang e’s so she can replace her sister and marry Hou Yi! She rushed over to the apple tree and shook the tree as hard as she could. Some apples dropped but not enough to knock her unconscious. Impatiently, she grabbed an apple and hit her head as hard as she could with it. It worked, and she found herself on Mount Pra once more. “What brings you here again, young lady?” Immortal SSW asked her serenely. “Well, I have another request. I want to change my looks to become like my sister.” Duan e demanded. “Why should I do that? I have already granted you your wish. You should not be so greedy.” Immortal SSW said reproachfully. “I will not leave unless you do it. I will disturb you so you cannot meditate. I’ll send chickens and ducks and dogs here disturb your peace.” Duan e said threateningly. “I have magic powers. I can easily finish you off if I want to. Your threatens do not bother me one bit.” Immortal Duan e felt very frustrated. She decided on another approach. She began weeping pitifully,” I am sorry! I should

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transmit info by teleporting SSW said mildly. E-mail:

NewFreakstTimes@freak not have said that! Just that I have been feeling very miserable! I am way past my marriageable age already but no smail.com one is willing to marry me. They only want my sister, who is beautiful and talented, while I am ugly and un-

Long live the Freaks
In front of my bed the moon is bright Casting a snowlike image on the floor Lifting my head I stare at the moon Lowering my head I think about my home —Li Hei—

wanted. Everyone laughs at me secretly. I am so pitiful! You are the only one who can help me! I promise to do anything for you if you will help me with this!” Immortal SSW heart softened. He said,” I see...Alright I agree to help you, but only if you agree to make a thousand tau sar cakes for me. I’ve not eaten for a hundred thousand years and I feel very hungry. It must be special and look appetizing and taste good. Come back after you have completed the task. Set with this difficult task, Duan e trudged back home (after taking a a bite of an apple conjured up by the Immortal SSW), racking her brains for solutions. She stared up at the moon and all of a sudden, a fist-sized rock hit her on her head. Moments later, several more came raining down at her. It was actually Chang e hurtling the moonrocks at her wicked sister. Up on the moon, Chang e sobbed. She was all alone on the moon and she could not die even though she tried to commit suicide. She had become an immortal, but a very lonely one. She was given the ability of great strength and precise aiming skills which enabled her to throw the moon rocks down at her sister on earth from the moon. The impact of the moonrocks on Duan e’s head instead struck her with an idea. “Mooncakes.” She said out loud. She quickly rushed back home and tell her parents of her idea to organize a tau sar moon-cake making competition to celebrate the full-moon night. She insisted on holding the competition straightaway because of the fullmoon that night and to include all the townspeople in the lists of participants. Duan e persuaded her parents to sponsor the costs of the ingredients saying that this will raise their reputation (which has not really been that good coz of their notorious arrogance and snobby attitude), and perhaps improve the chances of her father being elected as mayor of the town. 2 hours later, the competition was up and running. The grand prize was the right to be the only family to produce and sell mooncakes in the town and a cash prize of a thousand taels. All the families were extremely enthusiastic and began making their version of mooncakes. The next night was the deadline and the results night. Duan e was the judge and she went around the long tables set up to display each family’s mooncake. Many were quite hideous and many more tasted pretty awful. Finally she came to the last mooncake and saw that it was really beautifully-made. She took a bite of it and it was delicious. She immediately declared the Ling family as the winner and said to them,” I want you to make 1000 of this mooncake by tomorrow night and you’ll be handsomely rewarded. I will sponsor the cost of the ingredients.”

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The Ling mother said, shocked,” I am honored to win this competition but it is impossible to make 1000 mooncakes in such a short time!” Duan e’s parents were shocked too and pulled Duan e aside and said,”Why do you need so many mooncakes? Why do you need them by tomorrow night?” Duan e quickly cooked up something,” Ma, pa, Chang e’s wedding is coming. Hou Yi is coming back tomorrow. I want to give something special for my sister as her wedding gift. What is more special than giving the one-of-a-kind mooncakes to her?” Her parents were fully convinced by her lie and agreed to her request. To help lighten the Ling’s family workload, they assigned a hundred kitchen staffs to help them and even offered their luxurious kitchen to make the mooncakes. Meanwhile, her parents thought that Chang e had went to stay at Hour Yi’s parents’ house, as Duan e had lied to them. The next night, Duan e forged a letter in Chang e’s name and sent it to Hou Yi’s parents, telling them to pass the letter to Hou Yi upon his return. Duan e arranged for the 1000 mooncakes to be transported to the pavilion. She then sent them away saying that she wants to give Hou Yi and her sister Chang e a surprise when they come to the pavilion that night. When no one was around, she grabbed an apple and hit her head hard with it. She then found herself on Mount Pra. “I have completed the task. The cakes are beside the apple tree now. But I don’t know how to transport them over.” Duan e said to Immortal SSW. Immortal SSW muttered a chant (“lala lama lama I love Lama lala hom mani mani hom”) and the next moment, the 1000 cakes materialized before them. He looked at them and grinned delightedly and said,” Well done. What are these called?” “Mooncakes. Representing the full moon. Now you have to fulfill your promise.” Duan e said impatiently as Hou Yi will be arriving any minute. He then proceeded to rub his body all over and a small brown pill appeared. “Think of the person whom you want to change into and swallow it.” Duan e thanklessly took the pill and bit the apple which the immortal next conjured up and she found herself beside the apple tree again. She imagined Chang e’s face in her mind and then swallowed the pill. A few moments later, she felt her weight decreasing but not in the correct sense. Moments later her feet started to lift from the ground and she felt a strong force pulling her upwards. “ There must be a mistake! I don’t want to go to the moon! NOOOOOOO!!!!!” She yelled as the force increased and she accelerated upwards. She struggled furiously but to no avail. On her way up, she saw Chang e floating downwards. They looked at each other, wide-eyed and shocked. “That damn Immortal SSW tricked me! ARGHHHH!!!” She began cursing Immortal SSW. Chang e finally landed on the ground softly, beside the pavilion. The next moment, Hou Yi arrived and they hugged each other tightly. Tears of happiness rolled down Chang e’s cheeks. Meanwhile, Immortal SSW was enjoying his 1000 mooncakes and thought to himself,” This is your karma.” So, as you can see, it was Duan e who ended up on the moon. The numerous moon craters are actually caused by Duan e digging the ground for rocks to hurl at the earth but due to her terrible aiming skills, they ended up as what people would call shooting stars as they bypass the earth but never hitting earth.

THE MYSTERIOUS MOON
Quick news
Bee Moon is said to be a descendent of the family of Chang e and Duan e. Every mooncake festival, she orders 1000 mooncakes to distribute to the students of Allopia Spy School in commemoration of Duan e who got banished to the moon palace for her evil deeds and to Chang e for her unsurpassed beauty and talents. Last month, Bee Moon decided to set up her own bakery selling Bee Mooncakes, with exotic and unique fillings and they can be bought all year round because she specializes in crescent mooncakes and new mooncakes and eclipse mooncakes etc as well. The following article will be a more in-depth review of Bee Moon’s bakery written by our distinguished Freaks editor who has an outstanding liking for exotic foods.

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MENG MEI CONGEE SHOP
Address : FreakTopia Avenue 10 China-Land Meng Mei is the granddaughter of Meng Po, the CEO of Meng Po Soup Corporation. Meng Mei learnt her excellent culinary skills from her grandmother who is a seasoned and veteran cook Meng Po, so her congee definitely promises not to disappoint! She specializes in cooking congee and she has come up with 3 unique flavours of congee, namely the Meng Mei Toxic congee, Meng Mei Samadhi-Fire Congee and Meng Mei Moon Essence Congee which contain highly beneficial herbs and rare essences of nature. For an out-of-this-world taste sensation, come down to the Meng Mei Congee Shop and try our delicious congee!

菜单 梦妹三昧真火粥 梦妹超毒粥 梦妹月光香精粥

Menuj Meng Mei Samadhi-Fire Congee Meng Mei Toxic Congee Meng Mei Moon Essence Congee

梦妹月光香精粥
Ingredients:

Meng Mei Moon Essence Congee
cost: $60 per bowl

梦妹三昧真火粥
Ingredients:

Meng Mei Samadhi-Fire Congee
cost: $50 per bowl

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Moonstone powder Peacock feather mites Mooncake mould Blood squeezed from rose thorns Cinderella’s cinder Snow White’s snot Sleeping Beauty’s snores Rapunzel’s hair lice Mermaid’s scales

    

Samadhi-Fire™ Essence Extra-Concentrated Wasabe Million-Island Dressing Infra-1000°C Tabasco Sauce Thousand-Level Pagoda Tom Yam Paste

For a fiery-hot-and-spicy sensation, try our Meng Mei Samadhi-Fire Congee! Promises to make you breathe fire out fire for 1 whole week after eating it! WARNING: You may need tongue transplant after eating the congee. But fear not, Meng Mei has good connections with the Freak Tock Seng Hospital so if you suffer from any tongue defects after that just let Meng Mei know and she’ll you refer to Dr Chum at FTSH who’ll then give you a tonguetransplant operation at highly discounted rate!

For youth and beauty, try the Meng Mei Moon Essence Congee! Guaranteed to make you look beautiful and radiant! Disclaimer: any side effects arising will have absololutely nothing to do with Meng Mei Congee Company
“I had a bowl of the Meng Mei Toxic Congee last week and instant results were seen! The after-effects were: severe vomiting, gastric pains, throat problems, dizziness, diarrhea, bloated head, radioactive contamination, corrugated ankles, transparency and blue hair. Wah damn shiok! Gimme another bowl of Toxic Congee!” - Miss Mimi Mee

梦妹超毒粥

Meng Mei Toxic Congee

This is the most popular congee of all. Just read the personal account on the right! Ingredients: Cost: $38 per bowl

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THE “WITH” WITHOUT THE “WITH” SHOP

Ice-milo without milo

The Madcap Adventures Of DUCKMAN
The DUCKMAN Original Soundtrack Duckman! The mighty duckman! Wherever there’s a calamity there’ll be him! (and wherever there’s him there’s calamity!) He is strong and he is heroic He fights hard to save those in need (but he’s a klutz! He’s a klutz!) Things become worse when there’s him! But fear not, duckman promises to make things better If you will feed him peanut butter! Chorus I am the mighty superhero Monsters flee wherever I go So Who dares to challenge me I will defeat you, you shall see!

Cost: $0.10

Chicken burger without chicken

Cost: $0.15

Mineral water without water

Cost: $0.25

Chili sauce without chili

Cost: $0.90

Chicken rice without rice

Cost: $0.50

Mash potato without potato

Cost: $0.30

Salad without veggie

Cost: $0.55

Wanton mee without wanton

Cost: $0.80

Laksa without noodle

Cost: $0.05

Milkshake without milk

Cost: $0.99

CHAPTER 1 : DUCKMAN IS BORN
Before Duckman became Duckman, he was known as Quek Beng. He was born in a small village in a remote part of Freaktopia, near the Allopia Alps. There, the pace of life was slow and the villagers were mostly farmers who kept cows, ducks, chickens, and geese. Quek Beng was an ordinary boy without any special ability. He especially loved to play with ducks and throughout the day, he would chase his neighbour’s ducks around the farm yard, creating such a ruckus that his mother would grab her cheapest slippers and slipper him. He studied at the village school, got good grades, and was awarded a scholarship to Allopia Spy School, the most prestigious school in Allopia and Freaktopia and the Himalayas. One day at school, he passed by a laboratory where he saw experiments being conducted on 2 miserable-looking ducks. There was no one inside. Missing

Chicken chop without chicken

Cost: $0.45

Pork congee without pork

Cost: $0.21

Ice-cream without cream

Cost: $0.89

Fish curry without fish

Cost: $0.48 Reported by: bubbly millionheiress and urban geek

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His village ducks badly, he stepped inside the lab. The ducks were strange. Instead of quacking, they could actually speak! “Hello!” One duck greeted him in a quacky sort of voice. At first, Quek Beng was taken aback, but he quickly recovered himself as he knew that all sorts of strange things happen at Allopia Spy School. He asked the duck,” Hello! What are you doing here?” “Being experimented on! Duh!!!” Another duck exclaimed, looking annoyed. Quek Beng scrutinized the multiple wires connected from a strange-looking machine to the 2 ducks’ body. “Who’s doing the experiment?” Asked Quek Beng. “We are! Duh!” The duck exclaimed again, sounding as if it was the stupidest question she had ever heard. “Huh? But why? Who let you in here to experiment on yourselves?” Quek Beng enquired incredulously. “Duh! I am Professor Goon. She is Professor Doo. We are in charge of this laboratory so of course we can experiment on ourselves here! Duh!” The duck replied irritatedly. Quek Beng became even more puzzled. Noticing his quizzical look, Professor Doo who was more polite said,”We have turned ourselves into ducks through a complicated transfiguration process using that amazing machine over there,” and she pointed her feathery wing at a huge machine at a corner which looked like a giant microwave oven. She continued,”And we are trying to lay the ultimate golden egg which will rival the Immortal SSW’s immortal pill in the supernatural products market.” Just then, Professor Goon gave a loud “QUACK!” and a fist-sized golden egg emerged from her backside and rolled into a linen-lined box just below the bed she was resting on. “Ouch! That hurts!” Professor Goon quacked in pain and rubbed her butt with her wings. “Wouldn’t that be an inefficient way to manufacture your golden eggs for sale? I mean, you have to go through the painful process every time you lay an egg?” Quek Beng asked skeptically. “Don’t be silly! Of course we are not going to be the golden egg factories ourselves! Duh! We are just doing an experiment to see if it wil work and if so, we’ll turn the real ducks into golden-eggs-laying ducks! Duh!” Professor Goon replied sarcastically. Ignoring her sarcasm, Quek Beng continued,”So what can your golden egg do?” Professor Doo quickly spoke up before Professor Goon could open her mouth and say something rude,” Swell, our Golden eggs will bestow on the consumer a supernatural power. But exactly what power, we don’t know. It’s like picking a chance card to see what power you’ll receive. And it’s only temporary so people will come back to buy the golden eggs again and again! I doubt people will want to end up as an Incredible Hulk forever too. “ Professor Doo butted in and said,” By the way, there’s an Incredible Hulk in ASS who’s in the Nuclear Studies faculty. He became a hulk by genetics. His parents are both hulks too. Back then, the couple were known as the Megatron Hulks. I guess their son has not reached his maximum potential yet!” “That’s right. Hey! You can be our guinea pig! You can try the egg and see whether it works!” Exclaimed Professor Doo. “Huh what?! But..” Stuttered Quek Beng. Somehow, he wasn’t too sure about testing something which hasn’t been proven safe to consume. What if he turned into a monster instead? “That’s a great idea! Come on, the retail price is $9999. We’re giving it to you for free! Isn’t that a great deal?” Professor Goon beamed expectantly at Quek Beng. Quek Beng pondered for some time before finally telling them, “Oh uh...well..alright..I suppose it’s worth taking the risk...If anything happens to me…” “You’ll be alright! Trust us! But IF anything bad happens, we’ll think of something to save you!” Said Professor Goon excitedly. And so, Quek Beng picked up a golden egg and ate it…..

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What will happen to Quek Beng? Catch the next issue to find out!!!

Page 8

MENG POH’S SOUP SHOP
梦婆汤店

VISION
To open as many shops and branches in both the Mortal and the Other Realm by scheming, plotting and using underhand means. We strive to make Meng Poh’s soup a must in every living thing’s daily diet and a must-have soup before both death and reincarnation.

MISSION
To come up with more new dishes solely just to increase revenue, to earn more revenue and put even more competitors out of business. To do so is through human experimentation, tried and error and, dissection and restitching.

MOTTO
Ignorance is Buddha, forgetting can only be Meng Poh’s Soup.

OPERATING HOURS
Monday-Friday: 1200-2500 (Other Realm) 0800-0801 (Mortal Realm) Saturday: 0900-0800 (Other Realm) 2600-2900 (Mortal Realm) Sunday/Public Holidays: 1200-1900 (The Other Other Realm) (Mortal Realm and Other Realm Closed)

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ORIGINAL MENG POH SOUP
原味梦婆汤

The Original Meng Poh Soup uses both traditional ingredients and cooing methods to induce a sense of outdatedness in our customers before they depart. Placing a cauldron full of purified smelly drainwater and soapy dishwater to boil for five hours until grey pungent fumes are observed which turn red litmus paper blue. During which, fresh cabbage is stir-fried with maggots, giant moths and ultra hot chili. Rotting chicken entrails, putrid pigeon skeleton and dried leaves with woodlouses are thrown into the half-prepared soup and allowed to simmer for one day in the Tefal non-spill Eight Trigrams Soup Steamer, until all the essential essences from the rare ingredients have fully dissolved into the soup. To complete the dish, a large spadeful of Housefly Brand Diabetic Sugar is dumped into the bubbling, frothing, foaming mess inside the cauldron. The soup is then served in a traditional cracked bowl to signify generations of poverty, infertility and ill fortune. Note: Not suitable for children below 21. Parental guidance needed. Excessive consumption may cause unstoppable nosebleed and constipation. Rating: Hospital Food Cost Small-$3.45 Medium-$3.90 Large-$5.30 U.Psize-$3(addition of an extra drop of soup)

MENG POH VEGETABLE SOUP WITH HERBS
From a wide range of vegetables from Meng Po’s own barren backyard, rotting beetroot, caterpillar-ravaged cauliflower and putrid broccoli are carefully chosen and then skillfully hacked into uneven pieces using the latest Maureen Saw culinary saw. The ingredients are minced into an unrecognizable mess and allowed to collect dust. A special soup base consisting of Dettol, Dynamo, Vanish Power O 2 detergent and diesel is specially prepared by Meng Po herself, because the making process is too life risking and will result in extremely high mortality rate and loss of limbs may occur if ever tried without undergoing training at the Meng Po Academy. After a decade or two, a simmering pot of sizzling venomous green liquid awaits the dusty ingredients to be unceremoniously dumped into it. Simultaneously, a Teletubby school bag full of medicinal hers like moonshade, ducksbane, nunshood and Ahseng is also thrown into the mixture to solely increase the cost price of the dish ( just to earn more profit). At last, a cupful of SSW Immortal seasoning and deep fried algae are added to improve the popularity of this otherworldly soup. Customers can also order a side dish of vegetables in oily sauce. Note: Excessive consumption of vegetables will cause stroke, heart attack and colon cancer. Soup may result in unstoppable diahorrea, low fertility, loss of bowel control and Teck Wei’s syndrome. Rating: TNT (Totally No Taste) Cost Large-$2.50 Very Large-$2.60 Extremely Large-$2.90 Even Larger-$2.70 Olympic-$3.00 Super Large-$2.80 (exclusive of 90% GST)

梦婆药材与菜汤

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VEGETABLES IN OILY SAUCE 油菜
Vegetables are secretly kidnapped from their beds in the Exclusive Care Unit from Freak Tock Seng Hospital. They are carefully marinated using a special secret recipe consisting of water flea seasoning, artificial human flavoring, unpermitted food coloring, and 99% monosodium glutamate. After being fed and soaked in the marinade, the vegetables are barbequed over a slow fire, while expired ICI Deluxe butter is spread on it. A sauce which comprises of petrol, diesel, medicated oil, lard, cooking oil and machine lubricant is used to bring out the exotic smell and taste of this dish. A beaker full of heroine and Ice are also used as permitted food addictives. The sauce is then poured over the dish to complete it, giving it an oily look. Rating: Inedible Note: Not suitable for vegetarians. Cost: Varies with nationality, age, gender, height, weight and other factors. Prices may rise due to other unforeseen circumstances. Chinese rural villagers-$5.30 African slaves-$1.20 Bollywood stars-$65125 European beggars-$56.01

EXOTIC FIJI BROTH
异种斐济肉汤
To cater to the queer taste buds of our huge cannibalistic Fijian population, Meng Po decided to dedicate more of her youth to research and experiment new recipes, cooking methods and ingredients and eventually created this unique dish before her demise. Selecting the freshest and most youthful main ingredient form Shop N Slave, Meng Po will fatten up the slaves by feeding them lots of fatty and oily food catered from her rival, Critters Cuisine. Of course, she did not miss out the chance to stuff the slaves full of her vegetables in oily sauce. After a month of hard dieting (initially forced, but eventually voluntary), the slaves are ready to be cooked. A large pot of polluted seawater is put to boil with contaminated seaweed and moldy miso paste as seasoning. The slaves are rubbed with a rare oil made of moisturizer cream, powdered dung beetles, stewed termites and a drop of Mr. Brasso shoe polish. The flavored meats are then thrown into the bubbling pot and cooked alive until they are dead, soft and nice. With a secret recipe handled down to her by the Woodbridge Cook, Meng Po made an exquisite paste of fish scales, dandruff, armpit hair, overcooked eggplant and Shaga Shaga’s extremely spicy curry lama to give the soup a touch of Fijiness, so that our customers will think of their homeland. With everything rojak together, the Exotic Fiji Broth is finally born and served in a traditional Fijian coconut bowl, decorated with orchids and hibiscus. Rating: Horrible Note: customers are encouraged to bring along their slaves (to be disposed of). Family members, friends or enemies are also accepted. Customers can also request their own preferred soup flavor. Cost: Cost varies according to the availability of the required/wanted slave. Each customer is entitled to consume only 1 slave at a each serving to prevent inflation of slave prices. Note from the SPCA: Please note that slaves are a precious commodity and are endangered. Please save our slaves from extinction!

SHAMPOOCHINO

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UPCOMING EVENTS!!!
—————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————— DEEPAVALI
The Princess of Murtabak will be holding a grand celebration of the Holy Occasion at the Royal Murtabak Palace on 21st February 2006. Highlights of the event include:
    

Belly-dancing by Duck Medium Royal Cuisine Whiskie’s Drunken Fist Moon Poem Recital by Li Hei Mad Dance Party

Final Exams
Urgh! Exams impending! Wish me luck!

Halloween
31st October. Chill out. Have some spooky fun on that night. Trick or treats, anyone?

Promos
Ashik’s promotion exams! And Project work presentation! Good Luck!

Christmas Day
Merry Christmas! I want Christmas Day prezzies! =P

1230 WELCOME 2007 0907

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Credits—
———————————————————————————————————————————————

      

The Mooncake festival history—Urban Geek Meng Po Soup Shop—Duck Medium Meng Mei Congee Shop—Urban Geek and Bubbly Millionheiress The With without the With—Urban Geek and Bubbly Millionheiress The Madcap Adventures of Duckman—Urban Geek and Bubbly Millionheiress The Moon Poem—Li Hei Bee Mooncake Shop—

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WE WELCOME ANY CONTRIBUTIONS FROM ANYBODY. JUST EMAIL TO yoshiyuki_nanaki@hotmail.com THANKS FOR READING SEE YA SOON! =D

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