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COLD OPEN

INT. ABBI’S KITCHEN - MORNING
A hungover ABBI searches desperately for water. The sink
is clogged and full of dishes. She sees BEVERS on the
couch as he pours the last drops of water from the Brita
pitcher directly into his mouth. Abbi opens the freezer
and pulls out an ice cube tray. Bevers looks up and
throws Abbi’s keys to her.
BEVERS
Abbi! Think fast!
The keys knock the ice cube tray out of Abbi’s hand and
the only ice cube falls to the floor.
ABBI
You are literally killing me.
BEVERS
I’m killing you? You left your
keys in the doorknob all night. A
stranger could have come in and
taken advantage of me.
Abbi dry heaves.
BEVERS
You should really drink some
water.
ABBI
Oh should I? Here’s an idea - how
about you refill the Brita for
once in your life and don’t clog
the sink?
BEVERS
Somebody’s a Grumpy Cat this
morning.
Bevers makes a spot-on Grumpy Cat impression. ILANA
appears in the front door, out of breath. She wears a
Sherlock Holmes hat and has a pipe in her mouth.
ILANA
The game is afoot!
BEVERS
Ilana, who do I look like?

2.
ILANA
A giant baby fisherman.
BEVERS
Come on, I’m Grumpy Cat!
ILANA
Oh yeah, I totally see it. Good
for you, dude.
BEVERS
Thanks. Now if you’ll excuse me, I
need to use the litter box.
Bevers exits to the bathroom.
ILANA
Alright biddy, we’ve got a mystery
to solve. What’s the last thing
you remember?
ABBI
I blacked out right after Lincoln
picked you up.
ILANA
Lincoln didn’t pick me up, that
was his friend Frank.
ABBI
Was that racist of me?
ILANA
Nah, Frank’s white.
ABBI
I think I need to go to Planned
Parenthood. I feel like I had sex
last night.
ILANA
Perhaps. I left you here at 12:18,
and you texted me at 3:34 saying,
“Cuchi cuchi. Crazy in love
Ilana.”
ABBI
What else did I say?
ILANA
Nothing. I asked you like five
times to re-send the “love Ilana”
part in a separate text, but you
stopped answering.

3.
BEVERS (O.S.)
Abbi? I think the toilet is
clogged, too. You should call your
landlord, it’s pretty bad in here.
Abbi and Ilana are disgusted and exit without responding.
INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
JEREMY walks in as the girls leave. Abbi dry heaves.
JEREMY
Hey, Champ. Hungover?
ABBI
This isn’t a hangover. I’m ill.
Very sick. Doctors couldn’t
diagnose it.
JEREMY
Just get some grease in you and
you’ll be fine. I meant to say
thanks last night, but you left
pretty quick. I’ll repay the favor
next time I see you.
Abbi is frozen, and Ilana lifts Abbi’s hand up to wave
goodbye to Jeremy as he goes inside.
Oh my God.

ABBI

ILANA
I know. I can’t believe he just
quoted my favorite porno. I feel
like it’s underrated just because
it came out during the bush era.
ABBI
No, Ilana. Do you think I could
have...
(whispering)
...slept with Jeremy last night?
END OF COLD OPEN

4.

ACT ONE
INT. ILANA AND JAIME’S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
JAIME stands at his mailbox, which he uses as a locker. A
mirror is glued inside the door and covers the mail slot.
Jaime admires his reflection as the MAIL CARRIER walks
in.
MAIL CARRIER
Is that your box?
Jaime looks down at his crotch, confused.
MAIL CARRIER
That mailbox has been full for six
months. Preventing the mail from
being delivered is a federal
offense!
JAIME
I didn’t mean to offend anyone.
The Mail Carrier hands him a certified letter from the US
Department of Immigration.
MAIL CARRIER
Looks like your days of postal
interference are numbered.
EXT. OUTSIDE ABBI’S APARTMENT - MORNING
Abbi extends her arm to hail a cab, and “MARIA” is
written in marker on her forearm.
ILANA
Da fuck’s Maria?
ABBI
I don’t know. Maybe she’s my
skanky alter-ego.
ILANA
Can you introduce us?
A cab pulls up.

5.
INT. CAB - CONTINUOUS
Abbi and Ilana get in the back seat.
ILANA
Driver, we have a possible Skanky
Mystery in progress. I’m going to
need you to take us to 26 Bleeker
Street STAT.
ABBI
Maybe we should tone the name down
a little.
ILANA
How about a Panty Puzzler?
ABBI
You know I hate that word. It’s
creepy.
ILANA
We’ll call it a Whodunit for now,
but I’m not ready to give up
panties all together; it’s a
perfectly good word.
ABBI
I can’t believe I might have slept
with the man of my dreams and I
don’t even remember.
ILANA
You should have them do a DNA swab
at Planned Parenthood. They have
kits for that shit.
Oh no no.

CAB DRIVER

ABBI
Yeah, I mean I don’t think the kit
is necessary. That sounds pretty
serious. And expensive.
CAB DRIVER
I don’t go to Planned Parenthood.
Abbi and Ilana notice Christian memorabilia inside the
cab.
ILANA
What, dude? You’re a cab driver,
and we have legal tender.

6.
ILANA (CONT'D)
You can’t just pick and choose
where you take us based on some
backwards moral view.
CAB DRIVER
No Planned Parenthood!
ABBI
Come on, man. We only took a cab
in the first place because I’m
hungover. Have a heart.
ILANA
You hear that? She’s got a
hangover and she’s not afraid to
use it. Say goodbye to your
precious pleather. Heave!
CAB DRIVER
Those Jesus freaks will tip my cab
if I go too close. I drop you off
at the corner.
ILANA
Oh, right on. Sorry I presumed.
The cab pulls over to the side of the road and the girls
get out.
EXT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD - CONTINUOUS
The cab driver gives Abbi some unwarranted advice.
CAB DRIVER
The best thing for your hangover
is blood soup from Koreatown.
What?

ABBI

CAB DRIVER
(yelling)
Get yourself some blood soup!
The CROWD of PROTESTORS goes silent and stares at Abbi.
The cab driver peels out before they can shut the door.
ABBI
(to herself)
Yup. That’s what I thought he
said.

7.
Abbi and Ilana walk toward the front door making their
way through the crowd.
MALE PROTESTOR
Are you a winner or a sinner?
ILANA
I feel like I’m a little bit of
both, actually.
Skanks.

FEMALE PROTESTOR

ILANA
Our vaginas will not be shamed and
shackled. These vaginas shall be
free!
A CREEPY GUY appears next to them.
CREEPY GUY
Does that mean you’re not wearing
panties?
ABBI
I rest my case.
ILANA
Thanks a lot, ya creep. Jesus
Christ.
The protestors begin to “boo” them.
ABBI
Who even plans parenthood these
days? Irresponsible people that’s
who!
ILANA
Ever heard of a little thing
called overpopulation? YOU’RE
WELCOME!
Abbi and Ilana push through the mob and make it to the
entrance. Abbi flips them off with both hands and Ilana
makes the “suck-it” sign over her crotch. They go inside.
INT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD FOYER - CONTINUOUS
A SECURITY GUARD stands at the opposite side of a metal
detector. Ilana empties her pockets.

8.
ILANA
Frisk me, babeh!
The guard does not respond.
ILANA
You could totally get a job at
Buckingham Palace. You’re quite
good, old chap.
Muffled sounds come through the security guard’s walkietalkie.
Everyone out!

SECURITY GUARD

ABBI
She was just kidding. She’s such a
kidder.
SECURITY GUARD
There’s a bomb threat. Everyone
get out now!
The security guard pushes Abbi and Ilana out the door,
and a CROWD follows from inside.
EXT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD - CONTINUOUS
ILANA
Looks like we’re going to have to
solve this mystery the old
fashioned way. Pull down your
pants, I need clues.
ABBI
There’s about to be an ovarian
uprising, let’s just go.
ILANA
Fine. Can we stop and get a
hotdog? All this dick talk is
making me thirsty.
CUT TO:
INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT - LATE MORNING
Bevers is cleaning to appease Abbi. He puts the last dish
into the drying rack, looks into the drain, and screams.
CUT TO:

9.
EXT. PARK/HOT DOG STAND - LATER
Abbi and Ilana get in line. There is a MAN in front of
them with a long blonde mullet.
ABBI
Do you think these are all signs
that I’m, like, meant to have
Jeremy’s baby?
ILANA
They’re signs that America is full
of religious freaks. Look at this
dude - he probably has “no homo”
tattooed on his balls.
The man turns around and we pan up slowly from his feet.
He wears leather boots, tight jeans, a tight cut-off
plaid shirt, a blonde mustache, and cowboy hat. He lifts
his hat to reveal it’s JAIME.
JAIME
Did someone say balls?
ILANA
Holy shit. Jaime?
JAIME
Shh. I’m under the covers as an
American citizen. I never noticed
before, but cowboys are kind of
gay, no?
(to the vendor)
Howdy. Please give me four of your
hottest wieners.
CUT TO:
INT. FANCY SPANISH NIGHTCLUB - FLASHBACK
Abbi sits at the bar sipping a margarita and eating
tapas. CHARO sits down next to her and orders a drink.
Charo?

ABBI

CHARO
Please, call me María del Rosario
Mercedes Pilar Martínez Molina
Baeza.
ABBI
Okay. Can I ask you something?

10.
CHARO
You want to give Jeremy your cuchicuchi, right?
ABBI
How did you know?
CHARO
I’m your Latina Fairy Godmother.
The way to a man’s heart is with
food. Give him a burrito if you
want his chorizo.
ABBI
(extending her arm)
Can I have your autograph?
EXT. PARK - MOMENTS LATER
Ilana and Jaime are sitting and eating their hotdogs on
the grass. Ilana is holding Jaime’s immigration paperwork
in her hand. Abbi is in a daze.
ILANA
(snapping)
Abbi. Abbi! Come back to us! Jaime
and I are getting married!
ABBI
Congratulations. Can we go get my
tubes tied before you tie the
knot?
ILANA
There’s no time. Jaime’s visa is
going to expire at midnight unless
he marries an American citizen.
JAIME
I kind of feel like Cinderella,
except instead of a pumpkin, I
turn into an alien.
END OF ACT ONE

11.

ACT TWO
INT. SWANKY DRESS SHOP - 12:35 PM
Disheveled Abbi, red-neck Jaime, and Sherlock Ilana
peruse the store while a flamboyant employee watches
nervously.
ABBI
I just don’t understand why we’re
wasting time here when you could
be getting deported in a few
hours. I say that as a realist,
not a racist.
ILANA
Please. You’ve seen every single
Netflix documentary about mailorder brides. This shit has to
look legit. You know this.
Ilana goes into the dressing room with her arms full.
ILANA
(poking her head out)
Go ask about their return policy.
JAIME
Abbi, you know doing sex is the
best thing for a hangover. It
makes you sweat out all the booze.
ABBI
I’ll keep that in mind.
ILANA (O.S.)
Abbi, I need you!
JAIME
Duty calls. What’s the American
phrase? Always a Clydesdale never
a bride?
INT. DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Abbi enters and Ilana is wearing tittie tassels and
shimmying her chest.

12.
ABBI
Ilana!
(beat)
They sell those here?
ILANA
They’re Swarovski. Touch ‘em.
ABBI
Absolutely not.
ILANA
Come on, this is my bachelorette
party.
Abbi refuses, but Ilana tries to force her. They twirl,
stumble, and both hit the wall.
ABBI
I’m going to barf.
SHOP EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
Everything okay in there?
ILANA
Just hurlin’ and twirlin’.
INT. SWANKY DRESS SHOP - CONTINUOUS
The employee is getting increasingly upset.
SHOP EMPLOYEE
Did she say hurling? Are these
your friends?
JAIME
(cowboy impression)
I guess that dressing room isn’t
big enough for the both of ‘em.
INT. DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Ilana tries on another ridiculous dress.
ILANA
Stop being such a Grumpy Cat.
ABBI
Not everything is a joke, Ilana.
Marriage is a big deal.

13.
ILANA
Jaime is my friend. I know you’re
not big on showing affection to
your friends, but -ABBI
What, because I won’t motorboat
you that means I don’t show
affection?
ILANA
If the life-jacket fits...
ABBI
I don’t even know why I’m here. I
have real shit to deal with today.
INT. SWANKY DRESS SHOP - CONTINUOUS
Abbi storms out of the store, and Ilana pokes her head
out of the dressing room to yell.
ILANA
Well I’m about to get a wedding
weave, bitch! Is that real enough
for ya?
The shop employee is mortified.
ILANA
(to employee)
Hey, can you undo my zipper?
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY - SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS
Abbi walks alone and talks to herself.
ABBI
I’m not ready to be a mother. I
haven’t even done anal yet.
A FAMILY passing by shields their CHILD from her.
ABBI
I’m sorry, I’m just hungover. Or
pregnant. Maybe both.
CUT TO:

14.
EXT. NUBIAN NUPTIALS 2:06 PM
Jaime and Ilana arrive at a bodega storefront and ring
the doorbell. A SQUIRRELY MAN pokes his head out from a
basement-level door below. He waves them inside and
disappears.
INT. NUBIAN NUPTIALS - CONTINUOUS
They walk through a doorway of beads then through
another, smaller door to reveal a loud, lively
underground Oasis.
WOMAN
(yelling to Ilana)
You got the hair of a black girl,
you got the butt of a black girl,
but your pale-ass face is telling
me different.
JAIME
She called your face an ass?
CUT TO:
EXT. THE PLEASURE CHEST - 2:09 PM
Abbi is still walking, still struggling, and the sun is
beating down on her. She bumps into LINCOLN.
LINCOLN
Damn, Abbi! You look like a third
world valley girl.
ABBI
It’s nice to see you, too.
LINCOLN
You ever been in there? I just got
some glow-in-the-dark condoms;
they’re Ilana’s favorite. She says
it feels like we’re having space
sex, so I call her my ass-tronaut,
and then she -Please stop.

ABBI

Abbi almost dry heaves but pulls it together.

15.
LINCOLN
You need to find a pool, a
bathtub, or a fountain or
something. People think you drink
water to cure a hangover but you
need to submerge yourself in it.
Osmosis.
ABBI
How did you know I’m hungover?
LINCOLN
Ilana sent me a Snap Chat of you
from last night.
ABBI
Damnit, that means there’s no
evidence. What was the photo of?
LINCOLN
Something I’m too uncomfortable to
say in front of sober Abbi.
Where’s Ilana?
ABBI
Apparently she’s getting a wedding
weave.
LINCOLN
(holding up the
condoms)
Come again?
ABBI
Ilana is marrying Jaime today so
he can get a temporary extension
on his visa.
LINCOLN
Beat to the altar by a gay man. I
respect his hustle.
ABBI
Aren’t you upset?
LINCOLN
Nah. Ilana’s a ride or die - she’s
just being a good friend. When you
think about it, this is probably
the most responsible thing she’s
ever done.

16.
Abbi’s phone rings.
CUT TO:
INT. NUBIAN NUPTIALS - 2:16 PM
Ilana and Jaime are in front of a back-drop posing
(ridiculously) for wedding photos.
ILANA
Abbi? Listen, I’m at the salon and
these biddies just dropped some
serious knowledge on me. You’re my
best friend. I don’t want to be in
a fight with you. Not on my
wedding day.
ABBI (V.O.)
You’re right. Fight’s over.
Everything’s fine.
The WOMEN from the salon cheer.
ABBI (V.O.)
Where are you?
ILANA
Nubian Nuptials. Me and Jaime have
to sign some shit and take a few
wedding photos in case Uncle Sam
decides to stick his dick in our
business. Gotta look legit, ya
know? I’ll text you the address.
Can you meet us here in twenty?
ABBI (V.O.)
I was going to go back to...that
place we went this morning.
ILANA
They actually sell pregnancy tests
here for super cheap.
Fine.

ABBI

ILANA
This is the happiest day of my -CUT TO:
Abbi hangs up the phone before Ilana can finish.

17.
EXT. THE PLEASURE CHEST - 2:19
Abbi and Lincoln continue talking.
ABBI
So, you coming to this shindig?
LINCOLN
Hell yeah. I wanna get lucky with
the bride. And look, I already got
a present and everything. I can
put both our names on it if you
want.
Great.

ABBI

LINCOLN
Where we going?
ABBI
Some place called Nubian Nuptials.
LINCOLN
Nice. We can walk there from here.
ABBI
You know about that place? It
sounds so sketchy.
LINCOLN
Don’t be racist, Abbi.
CUT TO:
INT. NUBIAN NUPTIALS - 2:37 PM
Ilana and Jaime stand at the cash register to pay.
ILANA
Shit! My wallet’s gone.
JAIME
I can pay. You’re my Beyoncè.
STYLIST
If she’s your Beyoncè, how come I
don’t see a ring on it?
ILANA
Jaime, if I don’t have my wallet,
that means I don’t have my ID,
which means we can’t get married.

18.
STYLIST
(to Jaime)
Looks like you’re back to being a
single lady.
(beat)
You still have to pay.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK - 2:43 PM
Lincoln is carrying a tired Abbi on his back. Abbi’s
phone rings.
ABBI
Hello? ... You must have taken it
out of your pocket at Planned
Parenthood... Uh, sure. We’ll just
meet you out front at City Hall.
Abbi hangs up.
Lincoln?

ABBI

LINCOLN
Ilana’s getting married and she
was at Planned Parenthood this
morning?
ABBI
We weren’t there for her.
LINCOLN
You get tested?
ABBI
I’m working on it.
LINCOLN
Then as a medical professional,
I’m making the decision to put you
down.
ABBI
Understandable.
Lincoln puts Abbi down, hails a cab, and they get in.

19.
INT. CAB - BACKSEAT 2:50 PM
LINCOLN
What’s up, my dude? We’re going to
the Planned Parenthood on twelfth
and twenty-first.
The driver looks in his rearview mirror and his eyes meet
Abbi’s. It’s the same driver as before.
CAB DRIVER

Get out!

LINCOLN

Hey, man.

ABBI
Seriously? What are the odds of
this? Why couldn’t you be Ben
Bailey?
LINCOLN
Is that the dude from Dirty Jobs?
CAB DRIVER

Out!

They get out, and the cab speeds off.
EXT. SIDEWALK - 2:52 PM
Abbi and Lincoln are back to square one.
ABBI
I can’t walk anymore. It’s going
to be closed by the time we get
there.
LINCOLN
Didn’t your roommate just inherit
a car?
ABBI
Bevers? He’s not my roommate. But,
yes.
LINCOLN
Let’s ask him for a ride.
ABBI
I’ve hit rock bottom.
END OF ACT TWO

20.

ACT THREE
EXT. SIDEWALK - 2:53 PM
Abbi has Bevers on speaker phone. We hear strange
sloshing noises.
BEVERS (V.O.)
Abbi? Is that you? Can you hear
me?
ABBI
What’s that noise?
INT. ABBI’S KITCHEN - 2:54 PM

CUT TO :

Bevers is naked, wearing only a blue-tooth, and is
covered in soap on the kitchen floor.
BEVERS
I’m multi-tasking. I’m cleaning,
getting a workout, and bathing all
at once.
ABBI (V.O.)
You know what? I’m so happy you’re
cleaning, I’m not even going to
ask. I need a favor.
BEVERS
Anything for you, Abbs.
ABBI (V.O.)
Lincoln and I need you to pick us
up and take us to Planned
Parenthood then City Hall.
BEVERS
I won’t go to Planned Parenthood.
Bevers.

ABBI (V.O.)

BEVERS
Not with my Nonnie’s car!
ABBI (V.O.)
If you’re not here in ten minutes,
I’m putting parental controls on
the wifi.

21.
BEVERS
But I’m the number one draft pick
on NBA Jam right now!
INTERCUT BETWEEN ABBI/LINCOLN and BEVERS
LINCOLN
You’re DunkMasterFlex? Send me a
play request. I’m DrDrill68.
Abbi gives Lincoln a strange look.
LINCOLN
DrDrill69 was already taken.
ABBI
Ten minutes, Bevers.
Abbi hangs up.
BEVERS
I’ll slide over right after I slip
into something more appropriate. I
can’t wait to see both of your
bubbly faces.
(beat)
Abbi?
CUT TO:
EXT. CENTRAL PARK - 3:27 PM
Ilana and Jaime are in a panic.
JAIME
It’s already 3:27! We’re going to
be too late.
A horse-drawn carriage drives past them.
ILANA
Not on my watch. Follow that
buggy, Cinderella!
Ilana and Jaime run to the moving carriage. Ilana jumps
in first and pulls Jaime in. His shoe falls off.
My slipper!

JAIME

22.
ILANA
I told you not to buy slip-ons.
Leave it!
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK - 3:28 PM
A 1991 Ford Pinto screeches to a halt next to Abbi and
Lincoln. They jump in.
INT. BEVERS’S CAR - 3:29 PM
The car is filled with so much trash and junk, they can’t
see Bevers in the front seat.
ABBI
Bevers? Is that even you up there?
BEVERS
It’s me! You guys should be more
careful. What if I had been a
stranger?
LINCOLN
I thought you just inherited this
car, man. How did you mess it up
so fast?
BEVERS
Oh, this was my great
grandmother’s car. She was a Hoar
d'oeure.
ABBI
You mean a hoarder?
BEVERS
What’s a hoarder?
LINCOLN
We only have eighteen minutes left
to get to City Hall. We’re not
going to make it to P.P.
BEVERS
Just use one of those bottles back
there if you have to pee pee.
That’s what I do when I have to
go.

23.
LINCOLN
Cool it with the piss talk. Abbi
looks like she’s about to blow.
BEVERS
Don’t worry. What happens in the
Pinto stays in the Pinto.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY HALL - 3:48 PM
Ilana and Jaime arrive a few minutes early.
JAIME
Do you want to smoke a little
while we wait for Abbi?
I do.

ILANA

Ilana pulls out her Sherlock pipe, and lights up.
JAIME
Are you nervous?
ILANA
No way. There is literally no one
else I’d rather marry.
Except Abbi?

JAIME
ILANA

Except Abbi. But I’ve come to
terms with the fact that she and I
probably won’t get past third
base.
JAIME
You did the third base with Abbi?
ILANA
Not yet. But maybe she’ll be down
once I’m married. Some people just
want what they can’t have.
Bevers’s car screeches to a halt and hits a parking
meter. The three emerge, a little shaken up.
BEVERS
Sweet! Broken meter.

24.
LINCOLN
(to Ilana)
I heard you were getting a wedding
weave, so I ignored my heart and
followed my penis.
ILANA
Aw. I love your Lincoln log. Did
you guys get my wallet?
ABBI
We didn’t make it.
JAIME
I’m destined to be a jilted bride.
Everyone looks at Abbi.
ABBI
I can’t. I just did my taxes. Plus
I don’t want to have to put “it’s
complicated” on my Match profile.
I really like how my life looks
online right now.
Lincoln steps forward, but Bevers interrupts him before
he can speak.
BEVERS
I think we all know that I’m the
most eligible bachelor here. I’ll
do it. I’ll marry you, Jaime.
Everyone looks at Jaime.
ABBI
This is a really big commitment,
Jaime. Maybe you should think
about it.
JAIME
In my country, a man with facial
hair and belly fat is a catch.
It’s like free heat in the winter,
and this bride is on a budget.
LINCOLN
The wedding’s on! Let’s go!
Ilana, Jaime, Abbi, and Lincoln walk inside.

25.
INT. CITY HALL - CONTINUOUS
Ilana and Jaime scramble to fix the paperwork from Nubian
Nuptials so that Bevers’s information replaces Ilana’s.
Next!

CITY HALL CLERK

Ilana and Jaime step up and realize that Bevers is gone.
JAIME
Where the hell is that beaver?
CITY HALL CLERK
Can I help you?
ILANA
Yes you can. He’s getting married
today! Here’s the paperwork. Just
give us a second, groom’s got cold
feet.
CITY HALL CLERK
I’m closing up shop in three
minutes. What’s it going to be?
JAIME
I’m getting stood up? I thought
this only happened to ugly people.
Bevers comes running back in with a Ziplock bag of rice.
BEVERS
I’m sorry! I just wanted it to be
official.
ABBI
Where’d you get rice?
BEVERS
In my glove compartment. Duh.
CITY HALL CLERK
Ok, both of you sign here, here,
and initial here.
Bevers and Jaime sign. Bevers wipes a tear from his eye.
BEVERS
I just wish my Nonnie was here to
see this.

26.
ABBI
Bevers, I met your grandmother
last year and she wouldn’t speak
to me because she thought I was a
lesbian.
BEVERS
Wasn’t she the best?
CITY HALL CLERK
Congratulations, your visa
extension is complete. You have
thirty days to file a marriage
license with the State of New
York.
BEVERS
So we’re not getting married
today?
CITY HALL CLERK
Not today, big boy.
BEVERS
I would like to add, as a pre-nup,
that this marriage be consummated
with a Honey Baked Ham. Can you
add that to the paperwork?
The clerk slams a “Closed” sign onto her window.
In slow motion: Jaime turns around and puts on his
sunglasses. “Coming to America” by Neil Diamond plays.
Jaime leads as Abbi, Ilana, Bevers, and Lincoln walk
behind him in a “V” shape.
EXT. CITY HALL - CONTINUOUS
Slow motion continues: Jaime pushes the front doors open
triumphantly, and the others follow him outside. The
music screeches to a stop, and real-time is resumed when
the gang realizes that Bevers’s car is gone.
Thievery!

BEVERS

LINCOLN
Nobody would steal that car. It
probably got towed because you
busted the meter.
ILANA
Let’s just call Mustache Ride.

27.
ABBI
She means Lyft.
ILANA
Pretty sure it’s Mustache Ride.
JAIME
Speaking of which, Abbi, how is
your vagina?
BEVERS
I don’t know about your vagina,
but I think there’s something
wrong with your butt.
ANGLE ON - ABBI’S BUTT (which has a big, red stain on it)
Yes, dude!

ILANA

LINCOLN
Remind me again why this is cause
for celebration?
ILANA
We can close the books on part one
of the skanky mystery.
BEVERS
I’m trying to figure out a bit of
a skanky mystery myself. I found
something really weird in the
garbage disposal today.
CUT TO:
INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT - EVENING
Abbi and Bevers walk in to find Jeremy at the kitchen
sink holding a mangled dildo in his hand.
JEREMY
I came over to return your dish,
and this was in the drain...
BEVERS
That probably explains your bloody
butt, Abbs. Mystery solved!
Abbi walks into her room without saying a word and slams
the door behind her.
END OF SHOW

28.

TAG
INT. ABBI’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Abbi is in bed when she gets a notification from
Match.com. She has forty-three new messages and eightynine winks on her profile.
ABBI
Maybe I’m not a Clydesdale after
all.
Abbi notices a new video posted on her profile and
presses play.
INT. ABBI’S KITCHEN - LAST NIGHT
Wasted Abbi pretends she has her own cooking show.
Charo’s song “Cuchi Cuchi” plays in the background, and
Abbi dances and lip-syncs using her dildo as a
microphone.
ABBI
(slurring)
If you want the chorizo, you make
him a burrito.
The microwave beeps and Abbi pulls out two piping hot
burritos.
ABBI
One for Jeremy, one for you.
Abbi takes a bite and burns her mouth, then leaves with
one burrito in hand. Bevers walks by the computer,
completely naked, and eats the rest of Abbi’s burrito in
one bite. He notices himself on the screen and waves.
BEVERS
She forgot to post her video.
Typical Abbi.
BACK TO:
INT. ABBI’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
After holding it in all day, Abbi finally barfs.
BLACKOUT

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