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Now its important to understand that what were trying to teach you is how to build
intimacy, because you see, falling in love is actually trying to build intimacy with the
person that you intend to actually love. And one thing Ive said over and over and I
wanna say again before I get into how to handle anger is: you must understand that two
people can have a physical relationship without ever being intimate.
But it is possible for two people to grow into intimacy without getting into sex. Once Im
intimate with you spiritually, socially, mentally, were intimate. Even if we never really
get into sex, were still intimate. But two people can have physical relationship without
being intimate.
And what you need to build during courtship is intimacy, because if two people are not
intimate spiritually, socially and mentally before marriage, they have no relationship. And
by the time they get married theyre gonna have problems because theyre not friends.
They dont understand themselves. The bible says in Hosea 3:3, Can two walk together
except they agree.
I can only say Im in love with you if we agree. And if were not intimate, we dont
agree. Once we get into physical intimacy, we actually disturb spiritual, social and mental
intimacy, because we stop building and we start using ourselves, once we get into
physical intimacy before marriage.
Most men find it very easy to build intimacy with you before marriage. Once theyre
married, theyre not so good at building intimacy then. They face their work and face
other responsibilities. So the best time to build intimacy is during courtship and by the
time you marry, you can build on what you already have built.
But if youre not intimate before marriage it becomes a big problem and what you realize
is some people try to court during marriage when they should have courted before
marriage. So its so important to know that if Im gonna fall in love with you I must
become intimate with you spiritually, socially and mentally.
Communication is the key to intimacy. If we stop talking, we stop being intimate. If we
have two people living together and they dont talk, theres no relationship. No matter
how beautiful or handsome they both are, once theres no talking, theres no intimacy.
Theres no understanding. Theres no caring and theres no needs being met.
And remember sex is non-verbal communication. Even in marriage, when theres no
communication, you cant have a good sexual life, because I need to let you know what I
want and you need to let me know what you want for each of us to enjoy sex. So if I start
sleeping with you before marriage and theres no communication and we dont build
communication, when we get married even sex is useless.

I will not still enjoy my sexual life because I still need communication to have a good
sexual life. But if both of us are used to talking and not using each other, by the time we
get married, love is easy to really experience.
Now one of the reasons why were talking about anger is this: no matter how holy you
are, no matter how spiritual you are, people still get angry. So if I know how to deal with
anger in marriage, then I know how to really fall in love, because no matter how
wonderful that man is or no matter how holy that woman is, the bible says get angry but
dont sin.
It s okay to express your anger but express it the right way.
Ephesians 4:15, But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all thing which
is the head, even Christ. Getting angry in a healthy way is learning to speak the truth in
love. When I get angry with you most of the time is because theres something youre
doing that I dont like. And I need to tell you the truth about that thing.
But the bible says even if Im gonna tell you the things I dont like, which is the truth in
the situation, I must do it in love. So actually, processed anger is learning how to speak
the truth in love. Or learning how to tell you like something hes doing you do not like in
the right way.
Getting angry in the right way is what we call processed anger. Now suppressing or
inappropriately expressing or repressing anger is destructive. And theyre immature
methods of handling anger. Yet many people know no other methods. Now most of us are
getting angry in our relationships but were doing it in a destructive way.
Most people dont know how to process their anger. They repress it. They oppress it. Or
they express it. And so what were gonna learn today is how to ventilate or anger
constructively. Now the refusal to deal with the presence of anger constructively can
create some major health problems. That is why we must learn that its okay to get angry
but not sin.
The bible says get angry but dont in. if I repress my anger or I deal with anger the wrong
way, it can lead to major health problems like ulcers, headaches, anxiety, attacks,
depression and many other few things. Being aware of your anger responses is not sinful
but healthy. When I get angry, its ok.
I need to understand that its not sinful to be angry. But its sinful when I express it the
wrong way. Ephesians 4:26, Be ye angry and sin not. Let not the sun go down upon your
wrath. When we sin in our anger verse 27 says, We give place to the devil. According
to this Ephesians 4:26 and 27, Paul says we should be aware of our anger. But we should
be in control of our temper and not allow it to get out of hands.
Its ok to feel angry but you must be in control of the anger. Theres nothing wrong with
you feeling angry, but you must control that anger. Once the anger is in control that Im
learning how to process, you see, Im angry but Ive processed the anger, when Im

talking about processing the anger Im talking about being in control. The bible says we
are always in control when we are in the spirit. The bible says the fruit of the spirit is
love, joy, peacetemperance, self-control. So every time I am in the spirit, I have selfcontrol.
So I do I get into the spirit? I get into the spirit by praying. I get into the spirit by reading
my bible and then I get into the spirit by speaking the word of God to myself. If I want to
be in control of my emotions, I need to say to myself everyday, In the name of Jesus,
Im a child of God.
The love of God has been shed abroad in my heart and therefore Im in control of myself.
Im in control of my emotions. My flesh will not take control over me. As child of God
Im in control. I walk in the Spirit. And so I do not fulfill the lust of the flesh. You can
say 1st Corinthians 13:4, Love suffers long, because Im a child of God and because the
love of God has been shed abroad in my heart, according to Romans 5:5, I suffer long. I
am patient. I am kind. I have self-control. I dont demand my own way.
You see, say that to yourself everyday, you gonna see a new person. Remember as a
Christian, the bible says in Matthew 11:23 that you need to say to yourself what you
believe. You can never start to receive your miracle until you start speak the word of God
to yourself, because speaking, confessing is actually possession.
You can never possess what you dont speak. So Ive got to learn not to speak the
negative things about myself. I must learn to speak the truth about myself, which is the
word of God. If I keep saying I cant stop this anger. I have a nasty anger, thats whats
gonna happen to me.
If I keep saying I lack self-control. Im a sinner. Thats whats gonna happen to me. When
I wake up in the morning I say to myself Im a saint. Christ lives in me. I can do all
things through Christ that strengthens me. And therefore whatever I do today I prosper.
And therefore Im in control of my life.
Im not a sinner. Im a saint. What ever you want say it to yourself everyday. What you
say you will be. The bible says, Faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of
God. Theres an experience I had when I was in part one in UI. Every morning, when I
wake up, I will say to myself,
Bimbo, you are a child of God. You are now a new creature in Christ Jesus. Old things
have passed away. Behold everything has become new. And therefore you do not walk in
the flesh. You walk in the Spirit. And therefore listen to who you are right now and listen
to what the Lord has done through you and has done in you. and I will say to myself,
According to 1st Corinthians 13:4, I suffer long, because Im now a Christian. Im now
born-again. I am kind. I do not demand my own way. Im not envious. Im not puffed up.
Im not rude. Im not prideful. I dont behave unseemly. I dont seek my own. Im not
easily provoked. I think no evil. I bear all things. I believe all things. I hope all things and
I endure all things. And Ill say that to myself over and over. And this particular day I

wanted to go somewhere outside the campus and I got into a taxi. I was the first person
that the taxi man picked. And after that he picked somebody else. And when we got a half
way the driver told me that he was gonna drop the other persons first and I thought it was
very unfair.
As I was about to open my mouth to say the wrong things, I heard my voice saying to me,
Love suffers long. Love suffers long. And I just closed my mouth. I mean, I can never
forget that experience. The Lord just repeated it to me through my voice. You are love
you know and you suffer long.
I closed my mouth and I just allowed him to do what he was gonna do, because getting
angry at that time was not gonna be very productive for me. So I felt the anger but I
didnt do anything about it. I actually processed it. So whatever you say to you is what is
gonna happen to you.
Now justified anger is approved by God when kept under control and directed towards
eradication of sin. Once I do not sin in my anger, Ive learnt to process my anger. Now
healthy anger fires us up to fight for truth rather than allowing us to remain indifferent.
So it can be a healthy anger when I express what is hurting me. But I must say it the right
Now angry feelings can motivate us to change or correct injustice. Thats why I need to
express my anger. You see, every time you feel bad about something, you must accept
responsibility for your anger. Now whatever anybody does to you once you dont get
angry theres no problem.
But once you get angry and you really feel bad about it, then that anger now becomes
yours. Dont ever blame anybody for getting you angry. Anger has to do with you and
your response to a situation. Now, I can feel bad for what you have done but once I get
angry, Im responsible for feeling angry.
I cant say, You always make me angry. Nobody can make you angry but you. Once
you are angry, its your problem. Not the persons problem. What I always tell people is
this: if you dont do anything about your anger you are gonna be the one thats gonna fall
You are gonna be the one that is gonna get unhappy. You are gonna be the one everybody
is gonna call an angry person. You are gonna be the one that will not smile to everybody.
You are gonna be the one that God cannot bless. So is not the persons problem. Its your
So once you feel bad about something and its really affecting you, you need to express it.
But once I dont feel bad about it, if Im able to feel it and not feel bad about it, I dont
need to express it. But you see, its impossible for you to live life without getting angry

Now you can avoid useless and unproductive fighting by following a few simple rules.
You see, processed anger is learning how to fight the right way. So if I dont want to fight
the wrong way, I need to learn the rules.
Proverbs 19:11, Good sense makes a man restrain his anger and it is in his glory to
overlook a transgression or an offence. Now the first rule to getting angry the right way
is reduce angry feelings.
Now its ok to b angry but you cant get angry all the time. If every minute you get angry,
nobody is gonna like you. And if you tell them, Well, God says, Get angry and sin
not. People are gonna wonder why you are just an angry person. And everything
anybody does, you get angry. So I must learn to reduce my anger.
Psalm 30:5, For His anger endures but a moment. In his favor is life. Weeping may
endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Its one thing to reduce your anger.
James 1 says, Be slow to getting angry. Be quick to hear and be slow to wrath. The two
things I must understand about anger is, I must be slow to getting angry and when I get
angry, it must not lat for too long.
Once I allow my anger to last more than a day, it becomes sin. You get into malice. You
get into strife. You get into bitterness and that is quite destructive. And the more I allow
my anger to last, the more difficult it is for me to stop the anger. When some somebody is
angry, while that person is in a state of hot anger, attempting to resolve the problem is
next to impossible.
The intensity of the feelings may be reduced before either of you can see sanely or can
talk in the right way. What were saying here is, when I get angry, I must understand that
is not right time for me to solve any problem. So what should I do when I am angry?
When Im angry what I need to do at that point in time is to leave the scene, because
anger is power. Anger is energy.
And when youre angry, you have so much energy. When you slap somebody, you can
wound the person. You can do things that are quite destructive when youre angry,
because theres so much energy in you. So what you need to do at that time is, dont try to
solve any problem at that time. Try to leave that place.
Look for a place where you can control that energy. You can decide to lock yourself in the
room and hit your hand on the bed if you want and scream as much as you want, and tell
God everything you have in your mind and scream and shout or you can decide to take a
walk. Or jug round.
Youve got to find what you can do. Or you start to pray restlessly in the Spirit, because
you see, as youre praying in the Spirit, the Holy Ghost now comes in to help you. I think
thats the best way to go about it. So try to use up your energy on something constructive
not on destroying somebody else.

And once I see somebody who is angry, I need to leave the scene straight because that
person can do anything at that particular second, depending on how angry the person is.
Thats not the time to start telling him in a constructive way what hes doing wrong. He
will not hear anything you are saying, because there cant be any constructive way at that
time because the timing is wrong.
If Im the one angry, I need to take my attention off what the person is doing. I need to
face my anger, because remember, I cant blame anybody for feeling angry. Once I get
angry Im responsible for responding to what you have done in an angry way. So what I
need to focus at that time is what Im feeling and how to handle my feelings and not
make it destructive or sinful.
When you get married or if youre courting, you need to tell your spouse or your intended
what he/she should do when youre angry, how the person can get you out of that anger.
When youre happy, in the good times, tell your spouse what he/she can do to help you
when youre angry.
Now when some people are angry, they want you to give them space. They want you to
give about thirty minutes or an hour. Now somebody else will tell you, if Im angry, no
matter how much I shoutyou see, when youre courting, there are two dangerous times,
there are two occasion that if you dont handle very well can lead into sex.
When youre very happy or when youre very sad. When somebody is very sad and you
are there to appease him/her maybe you there to hug, Oh sorry! I understand while
you are hugging and soothing, before you know what, you can get out of control. Now
when somebody is so excited, Oh I got a testimony! I got a promotion!
While you are busy rejoicing and thanking God, the time of thanksgiving can be a time of
being ungrateful, because you can mess up that time by just being, Oh hallelujah! and
before you know what, the body takes over. But you see, the point is you need to ask your
intended or your spouse what he/she should do when youre angry, because he knows the
best thing to do and she knows as well.
Now something else you must understand is, nobody is in control of your anger but you.
But as a Christian you are always in control. God has given you your will. The bible says
in Deuteronomy 21, I lay before you life and death. You choose some said you were
not created with the ability to sin but the ability to choose.
Now you must always know, no matter how overwhelming that anger is, you can feel it.
But the way you respond is left to you. No devil is in control of the anger. You are. Every
time you react in a very extreme way in your anger you have chosen to let the devil use
your will.
And if youre born-again, you have the Holy Ghost in you and remember you can do all
things through Christ that strengthens you. At that time you can lean on the Lord to help
you. You can say, No! Im not gonna shout! No! Im not gonna hit him! No matter how

much your body wants to hit, you still have to do it. So you are always in control. Never
let the devil tell you you have one demonic hold. You see, whatever you believe about
yourself is what is gonna happen. Bible says, All things are possible to him that
If I start saying, Im in control of my anger. I will not respond the wrong way. I will not
respond destructively when Im angry. When you get angry, you will remember that.
Remember, Christianity is called the Great Confession. The problem is not the problem.
Its what you do with your problem.
Whatever you believe and say, you will get. When you gave your life to Christ, what did
you do? You came out and you believed in your heart that Jesus Christ died and
resurrected and you confessed with your mouth that hes your Lord and Saviour and you
automatically became born-again.
Something happened immediately. Thats a law. Every time you believe and you confess
with your mouth, you actually receive what you want and the more you say it the more
you receive it. But the problem with us is that we believe we dont say it. And once we
believe we dont say it, its useless.
Remember whatever you say is what you get. If I believe with my heart that the Lord is
with me and I can control my anger. And also I keep saying, Well, I have a problem with
this anger. You see, you are not saying what you believe or you are saying what you
really believe, because whatever you say is what you get and at the end of the day
whatever you believe is what you say.
But if I keep saying the right thing, I will start to believe it. The bible says, Faith comes
by hearing and hearing the word of God. What I say to myself I start to believe that
about me.
Next thing, every time you are angry, always use eye messages. After youve calm down
and now you want to express your anger in the right way, what you need to do is, go to
your spouse, and tell your spouse how you feel about what hes doing. Not how what hes
doing is affecting you.
You dont like the way your spouse talks to you. Thats what you wanna tell him. So you
say to him, Every time you talk to me the wrong way, I feel bad. And it makes me really
feel unhappy. It strips of my esteem and makes me feel rejected. You see, you are not
attacking him. You are expressing you feelings.
But if you say to him, Im just fed up with you. You are quite inconsiderate and this is
the last time Im gonna put up with this pompous action of yours, because if you are
knowledgeable, you should know that any human being will feel unhappy. And its quite
disturbing that you call yourself a Christian, and you can behave in such an unholy way
and the you go to church everyday and you get to open your mouth

You see you are attacking him. Thats not a constructive way of expressing your anger.
But you see, you talk about how he makes you feel. Its a different thing altogether. Dont
be concerned about he/she changing. Be concerned about he/she understanding your
You se, if you try to understand my feelings then you would change. But if Im so
concerned about you changing, I might say the wrong things to change you. But all I need
to express when Im angry is how I feel. And if you truly love me, you do something
about how I feel because you dont want me to feel unhappy.
Something else you can do is a lot of complimenting. For example when your spouse
annoys you, save the atmosphere by telling him/her how important he/she is to you. And
then try to also tell him/her how you try to see things in his own way or see things from
his own point of view.
And that youll really appreciate it if he tries to see things in your own way or see things
from your own point of view. And that all youre just asking him to do is understand you.
In the difference between a man and a woman, one thing that guys must always try to put
at the back of their mind is, I f they treat their intended or wives like they treat other guys
in their lives, theyre gonna mess up their relationship.
Shes not another guy in your life. Shes a lady. And like he is not another woman in your
life. Hes a man. So if I treat a woman the way I treat my male friends, I cant treat her
right, because shes different from any male. Thats why shes a woman and not a man.
And the reason why God gave her a different name from yours is because she thinks
You see, everything you do to a woman you must do it, trying to understand how a
woman reasons. If I dont learn to study my woman, I dont learn to study my man, I can
never have a good relationship with them.
Next thing, never ever suppress anger. When you suppress anger, what you do is you
keep malice. And anger that is suppressed is of no use because I can never know why you
are angry. Always put your anger into words. If Im angry everyday and I dont express
my anger, you can never understand why Im angry and you keep doing the wrong things.
So I must realize that I must always put my anger into words but the right way. Thats
why we said always process your anger. Dont just suppress it.
Message stops here. An unfinished issue from the previous week was picked up.
Pastor Bim asks
Now what was the question last week? Can somebody remind us?
Someone responds from the audience:

Someone asked a question, why is it that men can easily relate with another woman they
are not going out with. But when it comes to the person they are going out with, they
bottle up things. And I remember we mentioned ego. That was where we stopped.