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Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Volume II Edition XII

Vernal Equinox Spurs Madness


By LeeAnn Rhoden

It seems that Spring


Fever really did hit our
little town. Reports from
all over have come in
about random weirdness
and odd goings-on.
One of the first reports
came in from the PassTime Country Club where
a group of women gather
for a weekly Mahjong
game.
They are here every
Friday from 10 am to 2pm.
They start with coffee and
iced tea and finger
sandwiches, play a few
rounds then eat lunch,
said Trey Garsone, a
server
at
Pass-Time.
After lunch they play a
few more rounds. They
also start drinking wine
and martinis. By the time
they leave they are all a
little wasted. But never
have I witnessed what
happened last Friday.

Mr. Garsone continued


his tale in which the ladies,
a group of twelve ranging
in age from 70 to 92,
began accusing each other
of cheating and trashtalking each other.
There
were
tiles
flying in the air, drinks
were tossed at each other
and lots of pushing. Mrs.
Janson shoved Mrs. Willis
with her walker and then
Mrs. Willis jammed the
walker with her cane.
When
they
started
grabbing each others hair
there were wigs and hair
pieces everywhere. I have
a whole new respect for
these old ladies.
Another report came
from Central Park. This
years Vernal Equinox
coincided with a Super
Moon and a solar eclipse.
Druids in togas came from
all over the local area to
ring in this unique trio.

St. Paddys Day Revelry


By Snoop Cubby

On Tuesday last week


we celebrated St. Patricks
Day. This is a fun day
celebrating Irish heritage
and the Irish contributions
that built this country.
There are parades, green
shirts, green beer, and in
some locals there are green
rivers. Music and food
abound corned beef and
cabbage,
soda
bread,
colcannon potatoes, and,
of course, beer.
This year the festivities
got out of hand when a
group of hooligan revelers
partying on a balcony
overlooking Main Street

took to dropping water


balloons filled with green
hair dye on people as they
walked under them.
I was on my way to
work when all of a sudden
Im wet and green, said
Missy Verde. So, I did
the only thing I could do. I
called in sick and joined
the party.
The party continued
long into the night
growing
in
number,
spilling out into the green
street, creating traffic jams
and other unruliness.
Police continue to
question anyone seen with
green hair.

They had a permit to


peacefully assemble in the
park to re-create the shape
of Stonehenge, sing songs
or chant, dance, and
otherwise
hangout
in
togas, offered Officer
Jones.
The
gathering
consisted of roughly 20
Druids, making the recreation of Stonehenge
difficult let alone have a
chorus of chanters and a
dance troupe. They began
trying
to
conscript
passersby into their group
to either stand as a pillar,
lay on the ground as an
altar, chant, or dance.
Most people thought
they were weird but just
went along with them for a
few minutes. But, when
they started trying to strip
the passersby and put them
in togas, it got ugly. One
man punched the lead
chanter in the nose. We

had to put a stop to the


event.
A third incident came
later in the night when
howling at the Super
Moon began.
Usually dogs will
howl and stop or the
owners will quiet them.
Its rare that the owners
start howling too, said
Bernard Canine the local
dog catcher. There were
more calls than I could
handle and not all of them
were dogs. I didnt know
what to make of it.
The ladies have all
been seen and released by
hospital staff after their
brawl. The Druids have
dispersed and Central Park
is once again safe for
children. The howling has
stopped and there were no
reports
of
werewolf
activity.
Happy Spring!

The submission window for the July issue


opens today! The theme is a Mid Summers
Dream. Be sure to check out the details at
www.pilcrowdagger.com/submissions

Weather

Index

Its spring! On March


20, 2015 the Vernal
Equinox occurred in the
northern hemisphere. It
was accompanied by a
super moon and a solar
eclipse.
In
the
southern
hemisphere it was the
Autumnal Equinox. So its
autumn there.

More News..............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor................
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, March 22, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XII

Who Cares, Hollywood?


By Ellie Fitzgerald

In
todays
entertainment
news,
Hollywood is buzzing
about President Obama and
his retirement plans after
he leaves office. Some
people say he and his clan
will move to New Zealand
and purchase a ranch. Top
New Zealand government
officials have gone on
record saying that rumor is
not true.
Wed never let him
in, an anonymous source
reported.
Other sources, such as
various
Washington
bureaucrats, have hinted
that the president may
change his career from
politician to manager. Yes,
thats right. After this
weeks performance on

Ellen, it seems First Lady


Michelle Obama has plans
to become a backup singer,
joining Bruno Mars on his
next tour.
Perhaps
the
most
entertaining rumor is that
the president is going to
move his family back to
Hawaii and start up a
business as a private
detective. Sources inside
Hollywood say there are
talks
underway about
signing the president up for
a reality television series
called, Obama, P.I.
Whether its ranching
in New Zealand or
managing
his
wifes
backup dancer career, I
think most people will
agree with me when I say,
Who cares, Hollywood?

Pre-Order your April Issue Now!


Featuring
An Exclusive Interview With

Liz Schulte
Author of
The Guardian Series
The Easy Bake Coven Series
The Jinn Triology
Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
My wife has a purse
fetish. Every time she gets
a new pair of shoes, or an
outfit, or just goes to the
store, she purchases a new
purse. Just how many
handbags does a woman
need? Then she needs a
matching wallet (with
money in it), a set of keys
for each purse, and all the
other stuff that goes into a
purse. Its making me
crazy.
- Bag Ladys Husband

Dear Husband,
So what?
Dear Monica,
How do I tell my
husband that I feel like he
could be more appreciative
of the work I do at home
cooking, cleaning, laundry,
shopping, etc. It seems like
there is never a thank
you at the end of the day.
- Scullery Maid
Dear Maid,
Use words.

Editorial

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

Due to its growing


popularity, Pilcrow &
Dagger is excited to
announce that we have
hired Ellie Fitzgerald, an
entertainment
news
reporter. We found Ellie to
be the most qualified out of
all the applicants because
she was described by her
family
and
so-called
friends as untrustworthy,
a big mouth and possessing
loose lips.
Shes not just a big
mouth, said someone
close to Ellie. Shes a
fabricator of facts. If you
tell her the shoe store is
having a sale, shell tell the
entire town the shoe store
is giving away shoes for
free.
Normally information
like this might deter
someone from hiring Ellie,
but not us. To us, it proved
how qualified she was for
this job. Maybe Ellie will
report the truth. Maybe
shell dress it up with a
complimentary pair of
Manolo Blahniks. Either
way, her news reports will
be entertaining and thats
what we hired her to do:
entertain.

Dear Mr. Farce,


Last
week
you
published a story about
jewelry being made out of
parts from endangered
species such as bones,
teeth, and talons. I agree
with the archeologists that
this discovery is important
and impactful on the
previously
thought
development
of
early
humans. Clearly they were
more
advanced
than
previously thought.
I
am,
however,
concerned for the future
and well-being of Ms.
Hedd. It is obvious to me
and hopefully most readers
over the age of 30, that she
and her millennial, hipster
counterparts are just numb
from
the
neck
up.
Seriously! Does she and
her ilk actually believe that
these early humans who
lived
some
tens
of
thousands years ago really
had anything to do with the
extinction or endangerment
of these animals? Or, for
that matter, cared? Ms.
Hedd needs to get a job.
- Olden Cranky

Rants & Raves


To my neighbor,
For heavens sake,
please learn your alarm
code and stop setting it off
every morning! That loud
air-raid siren is unnerving!
Dear Teacher,
Stop
emailing
my
assignments to my mother.
Now she knows what my
homework is and she asks
to check it. Now I have to
do it. I hate learning stuff!
I hate homework!

To my wonderful husband,
Thank you for past four
years, the children, the
house and all the sleep
deprivation. I love you so
much. Now, please go and
fix your own dinner. Im
on a break.
Dear Supermarket Cashier,
Thank
you
for
instructing the bag boy on
how to load the bags. Im
so tired of having my jar of
spaghetti sauce put on top
of my bread. A very nice
change.

Sunday, March 22, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XII

Horoscope

Classifieds
For Sale
Hood from Mini
Cooper.
Respond to this
ad
in
the
personals. Use
the words Hot
Wheels.
Baby starter kit.
Everything you
need for an
infant. You must
provide
the
baby.
Genuine Norman
Rockwell
collectors plates.
Eight
5-piece
place
settings.
Never used. $10

Wanted
An adventure of
epic proportions.
I want to dream
about it for the
rest of my life
and relive it in
my elder years.
A beautiful lawn
and
fantastic
flower gardens
without having
to weed, prune,
mow, or work.
Room to rent.
Need 1 bedroom
and private bath.
Quiet. Will use
just for naps and
writing.

Brand new 2slice


toaster.
Sent husband to
get
4-slice
toaster and he
didnt. $15.

Kitchen sink. I
have everything
else.
Looking
for
something
deep.

Notices
Pilcrow
&
Dagger is not
responsible for
the opinions or
comments made
by its detractors
or fans.
Pilcrow
&
Dagger is not
responsible for
the content in
the
Sunday
Newspaper.
Help Wanted
Mad
scientist
specializing in
cloning. Willing
to pay top dollar
for clones.
That about sums
it up. Willing to
hire anyone who
can do anything
remotely
helpful.

Pilcrow

March 21
- April 19

Exclamation
Point

April 20 May 20

May 21 June 20

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Octothorpe

&

&

&

@ *

&

& @ *

& @

&

@ *

@ &

@ #

&

Answer to last weeks paper

Authority
Point
Because
Sign

Sudoku

&

Dagger

June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21
Nov 22 Dec 21

Dec 22 Jan 19

Time to plan some


overseas travel. Have an
adventure!
Spend the day decorating
your home. Feather your
nest.
Travel with a romantic
partner and have some fun
for two.
You will discover a gift
you didnt know you had
like sketching or singing.
Visit a museum and let the
art inspire you. You may
be surprised.
Answer the phone and
catch up with a long talk
from an old friend.
Let your light shine chose
a cause and volunteer.
A new opportunity shows
up in an untraditional way.
Dont say no.
Planning a trip with your
loved one is as much fun as
the trip itself.
Past issues keep coming
up. Put an end to them
today.

Jan 20 Feb 18

Romance is in the air and


you are in love.

Feb 19 March 20

Success is in the air. A past


proposal becomes a done
deal.