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Relationship Wisdom

by Elman Spiritus Beloveds soulman

The people we are in relationship with are always a mirror, reflecting our
own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their
beliefsso relationship is one of the most powerful tools for
growth if we look honestly at our relationships we can see so
much about how we have created them Shakti Gawain

All of us are on a spiritual path we often find close

relationships most challenging something we were not
necessarily prepared for when we began our journey
towards love-enlightenment.
But whatever happens when relationships move through
challenges, breaking down, breaking up or breaking
through -this movement offers life's most intense
opportunities for growth-healing.
Many of us harbour the notion that loving, supportive
relationships are almost automatically an integral aspect
of spiritual enlightenment.
The more spiritual" we are, the "nicer" we are supposed to
be, but it is easy to confuse spirituality with niceness -not
that these are mutually exclusive of course.
Close relationships can come to grief over expectations
about what is nice or spiritual. Being "spiritual" carn imply

that we can and do know what constitutes the "right "way

to act with Love,
and that this should be clear to others too, loving
acceptance is what is required but "expectations" are the
constant challenge of relationships.
Things get even more complicated when allowing another
to live their truth would mean not honouring our own.
Relating to others is based not only on what we expect
from them, but also on what we expect and sometimes
fear that we can't get .from within self.
Relationships hold up a very clear mirror to reflect our
deepest expectations, some of which we are barely
conscious, back to self.
This is a joyful experience when it reflects our Love and
honour of self, and painful when it presses the; buttons of
our fear.
When we commit ourselves to a process of seeking to live
with Love and integrity, we often ask for change to clear
away our deepest fears and doubts, but we can become
frightened when old patterns start moving out of the dark
comers (as they must do in order to clear).
It takes courage to start this journey but it takes even
more to continue it when the changes you've asked for
actually start to happen.
Living in Love now, requires a person to have the strength
of compassion for self, before this can be shared with
We have moved beyond dated dreams of finding someone
else to fill in for the gaps in our self acceptance, the
pressures that spirituality places on relationships are not
the external ones of meeting another's expectations,

but the relentless internal drive to Love and accept self so

that we may truly share the integrity and unlimitedness of
this Love with others.
This is what makes the rigour of changing old relationship
patterns ultimately worthwhile.
What happens in couple relationships is typically an
intense version of patterns that exist in other relationships
we have with family, friends, just minus the sexual
Sexuality magnifies existing patterns, so it is useful to
focus on what happens between couples to understand
general relationship patterns. This also has broad
implications for other relationships.
Some relationships break down, and some break up, while
others endure. But the possibility of breakthrough exists
whether relationships endure or not.
We have traditionally tended to think only of relationships
that endure as being successful.
But such judgements dont adequately cover all the
subtleties; for example, some of us stay in broken down
relationships because we are fearful of being alone;
others recognise when a relationship is not honouring
either party , and we are able to negotiate parting with
mutual respect. ( a break up ).
As spiritual awareness evolves, we lose the motivation to
play at meeting social expectations, and instead require
to truly be in relationships.
Such a goal tests the flexibility of the relationship to
respectfully accommodate diversity.
It is an individuals perception and sense of self value
which creates the essential difference between breaking
down and breaking up.

Breakdown is characterised by an overwhelming sense of

loss, devastation or anger when partners separate.
In a break up , on the other hand , while there is sadness,
regret or anger, there is also a sense of release and
honouring self. Partners will view separation through their
own personal perceptual lens.
Regardless of the nature of the parting however all parties
involved in a separation need to grieve the loss, the
initiator as well as the one left.
We may live in a broken down relationship for a long time,
as neediness or fear over shadows and limits our
choice...when we decide to stay in a dependent
relationship, the decision is based more on fear of loss, or
change, than on love.
This does not honour either partner, the legacy of
remaining in such a relationship can be chronic and
generalised feelings of depression, anxiety, fatigue or loss
of focus.
When we separate from such relationships, this can trigger
a great deal of anger ( which manifests from fear )... if
separated partners keep hold of their fear, then they
prevent the possibility of the breakthrough of growth in
self acceptance.
While our pure emotion of fear serves the essential
purpose of alerting and protecting us from harm, when it
goes into overdrive, it becomes a tyrant that blocks any
meaningful interaction.
As tyrannical fear feeds on being avoided, breakthrough
requires fear to be confronted and balanced so that it can
serve its appropriate purpose in life, not take it over.
The greatest growth is possible when relationships
breakthrough, when we can live together, or apart, with

respect for each other. This doesnt mean that people

always agree, or that things are always easy and nice.
We all grew up within family relationships, which
profoundly affects what we expect and are comfortable
with, when expectations clash, it requires a high level of
mutual respect to decide on an acceptable outcome.
There will inevitably be times when we, particularly those
who have made a conscious commitment to self
development, feel too strongly about a situation to allow
another perspective, there are also times when temporary
stress, tiredness, or irritation must be accommodated.
When relationships break through , there is tolerance of
diversity, there must also be a right to protection in the
face of potential threat, the safeguard of mutual respect is
that it only works if it is based on fundamental equality, it
cannot operate when an agreement would bring harm to,
or oppress another person.
In breakthrough the focus changes from what is perceived
as right or nice to a primary focus on acknowledgment
and honouring of self and others.
Love is about individuality, and equally about community,
take the example from biology, the individual is like a
single cell that exists as part of a larger organism, the cell
is whole and complete within itself, but it also exists within
a larger context with which it must inevitably interact,
interaction occurs at the cells wall, (boundary), this
boundary is what defines the cell sense of self and it
must operate with integrity.
The boundary has three important functions in particular it
must open up enough to allow the cell to draw in
nourishment from its environment, it must protect the cell
from what might harm it, and it must allow the cell to pass
out the waste that no longer contributes to its growth
and development.

Without each of these functions operating in a balanced

way, the cell cannot survive, whats more when too many
individual cells die, the greater organism is also
So it is with relationships, we require a strong sense of
self, so that we can function most successfully in
if we dont allow in the nurturing, then we will ultimately
wither and die, if we hold on to something that can no
longer contribute to our life and growth, the toxicity will
kill us.
If our sense of self is too weak, then anything harmful that
comes along will wipe us out; equally , if fear goes into
overdrive and our need for protection becomes too great ,
then our boundary will not be permeable enough to allow
in the nurturing, nor to allow what is no longer needed to
pass out, the fundamental characteristics of ongoing life
are movement, flow and exchange.
When we engage in loving relationships we do so for
ourselves and for our greater community, Love makes the
world go round.
Although the spiritual journey is a solitary one, it is
never taken alone, even monks on misty mountains live in
social systems that support and allow their life path.
We humans are social beings who yearn to be
acknowledged , accepted desired and cherished.
Our relationships may endure or serve their time and pass
away, but it is important to incorporate the wisdom of
these experiences into a greater awareness of how we can
live with honour for self and others.
how we relate to others
at the physical level
our longing for wholeness

the return to oneness

manifests as male-female attraction
mans need for a woman
woman's need for a man
it is an irresistible urge
for union with the opposite polarity
the root of the physical urge is spiritual
the longing for an end to duality
a return to the state of wholeness
sexual union is the closest one can get
to this state at the physical level
however sexual union is no more than
a fleeting glimpse of wholeness
an instant of bliss
real union comes within not without
a special relationship comes along
it seems one is no longer
a disconnected fragment
in an uncaring universe
ones world now has a centre, ones beloved
but being outside self
one still has the underlying feeling of incompleteness
fear lack unfulfillment
characteristic of the negative force's bond of ego
if in ones relationship one experiences
both "love" and "attack"
ie emotional violence
one is confusing ego attachment
and addictive clinging with Love
One cannot Love ones partner one moment
and attack them the next
true Love has no opposite
if ones "love" has an opposite

then it is not Love but a strong ego need

for a more complete and deeper sense of self
which need the other person temporarily meets
As with any addiction one is on a "high"
when the drug is available
but invariably the drug will no longer work
when ones pain reappears
one perceives ones partner
as the cause of the feelings and one attacks
this may awaken the partners pain
they may counter attack
Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal
to face and move through ones own pain
if one uses ones partner to cover up ones pain
after the initial euphoria has passed
there is so much unhappiness-pain
Relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness
they bring out the pain and unhappiness
that is already in oneself
Love is not judging self nor judging ones partner
Love is completely accepting ones partner as is
no judgement
no changing them in any way
Love is a state of being
it is within
it is not without
Love can never be lost
it cannot leave you
it is not dependent on others
Love is not selective
it does not make one person special
it is not exclusive
exclusivity is not the Divine Love of God
but the "love'" of ego
unconditional Love is the Love of God

Loves intensity can vary

one person may reflect ones Love back
more intensely than others
if that person feels the same
there is a Love relationship together
the bond is the same as with any person
tree or flower only the degree of intensity differs
Love is the realisation of oneness of all with Beloved God
true communication is communion with Love
An unresponsive partner living almost entirely in ones
challenges the spouse by inability to hear
give the partner attention and space to be
This absence of Love
will trigger the partners "pain body"
through it one will attack the other
blame, criticise, make wrongs
Now emerges the challenge
one becomes more deeply entrenched
in ones mental positions
defending, justifying, counter attacking
thus activating ones "pain body"
Both people are now taken over
by "deep unconsciousness"
emotional violence, savage attack
counter attack ensues.
It subsides only when both "pain bodies"
replenish themselves from the negative energy
and become dormant...until the next time!
CouplesSet purposes for things to be done together
I do not expect anything from others, so their
actions cannot be in opposition to wishes of mine
Swami Sri Yukteswar

A loving person lives in a loving world, a hostile

person lives in a hostile world everyone you meet
is your mirror Ken Keyes
For one's relationship
to have a new beginning
everything must be sublimated to Love
a new plant can only flourish if the seed is healthy
one must forgive and forget everything and start afresh
remember how one felt when one first met.
Love is blind because pure Love has no qualifications or
If one is talking in the spirit of Love
and the other person is talking about one's perceived
"short comings", obviously it won't work as it is not being
done sincerely
and in the right spirit pure Love is unconditional Love.
Beloved Supreme Spirit doesnt advocate martyrdom in
from a higher perspective marriage is simply so that
in a loving environment
can work out their past life issues
learn lessons in an ordered manner
as a structure for souls to reincarnate as children .
True Love doesnt always give what one would like to
but it will always give what is best for it
What we take into a relationship is going to qualify what
will happen in it
Joy or baggage will make a difference in what we receive
If we go in clear from the past
a new relationship will be stronger
as there are no old fears to taint it.
If we are already in a relationship and we are carrying old

allow time and space to clear it.

Patience is a true gift for those
who are willing to live alone
and come back to each other later
No one can make me happy, sad or angry unless I let
Its my life and I choose how I respond
I dont react
if I respond I take time out
balance self
choose whatever response I care to take.
By responding I am much less likely to come from ego
as verbal diarrhoea once released will do much damage
when we speak we create a life force and energy
we are responsible for everything we release
All energy is pure unconditional Love
until it is otherwise qualified
be aware of how I qualify it.
Point scoring
being in competition with the person I love is unhealthy
it is not Love to control
stop point scoring
as it creates a victim mentality
Low self worth esteem
allows control by others
erodes relationships.
Stop pleasing others allows me to please, and be, myself
When each person does for themselves they both walk in
The best relationship is one
in which our love for each other
exceeds our need for each other.

Within relationships
is vitally important
it will open the way for others to do the same
we may not always like what we hear
but if its truth
we can address it
dont pussy foot around trying not to hurt each other!
The most effective way to achieve right relations
with any living thing is to look for the best in it, and
then help that best into the fullest expression J
Allen Boone