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I have never met a “model catholic”. Nor do I pretend I ever have.

Long ago I made

peace with this. They just don’t exist. At least, not where I’ve been. I think most people
choose to follow the Catholic Church’s teachings in a manner very much like many other
people that are raised to follow a certain religion: by nit-picking their way around things.
Let’s face it. It’s a more practical, more beneficial, and ultimately, a more suitable guide
for everyone, in terms of getting to experience and learn what “Jesus really meant”,
compared with what is taught by most religious institutions, and what they considered to
be “true”.

In my own experience, before finding my own spiritual answers, I frequently found

myself in conflict with what I was led to believe, because it usually crashed head-on with
what I really believed. In the beginning, there was a guilt that was present, every time a
dubious thought or a “what if” came to mind. It was guilt all around at first; guilt, that
was doused with a bit of shame here and there. It was: No room for questions. Either you
believe or you don’t. Faith cuts no corners. So I heard.

Now, after having experienced different religions, different beliefs, and different spiritual
movements – through different means - I have even more to nitpick from. Sufism in
Islam. Kabbalah in Judaism. Baruch Spinoza’s Rationalist Philosophy. Pick and choose.
After a while, you start noticing that every religion, philosophy and movement is geared
towards the same thing: the pursuit of happiness of oneself and others. The difference
between these movements, however, is how they go about their way to get to the ultimate
destination: eternal peace and joy. All these movements hold solid advice, and all have
proven useful through the centuries, but some are more limiting and harmful than others,
and it is those specific, damaging elements inside said movements that are backtracking
the world into a standstill, and keeping it from change, and this way, holding the ignorant
masses hostage.

Mass beliefs start with the individual belief. Change enough individual beliefs and
you’ve got something in full operation. Accumulate the number, and you might even start
a new religion, a new set of rules that many agree on…except for that one ever-present
black sheep who just won’t conform. Then the “leave and start something new” action
starts all over again. Just look at how many different Christian offshoots there are from
the Catholic Religion. One should note, for sake of understanding why, however, that
before, religion was everything, and government was considered divine, so a different
religion not only meant adhering to different values, it also meant, following a different
leader (something with would make the Pope at the time very upset) and a different
political agenda. Politics was at the root of everything. Now it’s not. This difference has
not only made a mark in current governing bodies (separation of Church and State), it has
also given ample way to its followers to think differently, and this, simply, creates change.
And change, by some, is considered evil. “Evil” here meaning, “not convenient to my
particular religion.” Otherwise why would it be evil, if most change that is desired
promotes more good than harm?
That took a long paragraph to explain. It’s amazing how such a simple thing can turn into
such a complicated matter. Much like finding answers in life, especially when those given
to you, are just not enough (not all of us can be satisfied with dogmatic argumentation).
To find one’s place in life, after having been told “what is”, “what will be” and “what
was”, with 100% certainty, with the same facts coming from the mouths and minds of
one’s loved ones, friends and teachers – all this, makes one’s “personal enlightenment”
certainly hard to achieve, as one by one, our person decides to negate not all, but some of
the beliefs we have been taught since day one. In essence, the path to one’s enlightenment
almost always starts as a lonely process.

The process is completely dependent on every individual, obviously. There are no magic
answers, or quick results. Everything one needs to be certain of spiritual matters in life is
dependent on personality, personal history, environment, life experiences and one’s peers
and family. I stress that personality be on top of the list because, I firmly believe, that
one’s own abilities to “tough it out”, if need be, is certainly tied in with one’s personality.
If a person has a dependent personality, roughly meaning a person that is completely
dependent on others’ approval, the “finding oneself and what matters” situation becomes
almost impossible. Wreathing and wracking inside, these dependent souls battle with
their personal beliefs, constantly putting their own sinful thoughts before the
establishment’s and incessantly burdening their minds with an unfounded sense of guilt:
“I wish I didn’t have these crazy thoughts, I just want to believe what is true: what so-
and-so says.” So-and-so will tend to say whatever the so-and-so leader says, so the so-
and-so’s beliefs, become the dependent personalities’.

Unfortunately, these people cannot be helped by anyone but themselves. I believe that
most people that go through such mental battles endure them for a while, then compose
themselves, go forth and claim what’s theirs. However, this cannot be said for everyone.
There is always that obedient, numb soul who day after day follows a regimen he is not
sure of, prays in ways that feel “right”, yet empty, and believes that if he follows what the
religious establishment has proved as a means of salvation (through hundreds of years of
changes from ex-leaders, some corrupt, some not, and through the rules and regulations
stemming from some antiquated set of cronies, hell-bent on “keeping order”…), that he ,
will, in fact be saved. This completely egotist belief (although sold as altruism, to the
masses) sets forth the tortured soul’s only sense of happiness: basically a sense that states,
that if he, endures, actually, if he searches for pain and sacrifice in the right context, in
the name of God and all that is good, that he will taste the most delectable sort of joy
once life is over.

What a way to live. Do you know anyone that lives like this? Sacrificing happiness in
themselves and others to conform to a set of rules? Not likely, although I wouldn’t
discard great-grandparents. Go back a hundred years. You’ll find more people that did
believe that the world was literally created in seven days. Go back to the middle ages.
Everyone lived in an ignorant mire of beliefs based on the great need to be saved from the
fiery pits of hell, through means established by the all powerful Catholic Church (and
we’re afraid of reaching a Big-Brother type dystopia now?). All of this is gone. What
happened to us? Why are we so far from being obedient serfs, as were our descendants,
such a long time ago? Were demons let loose through today’s societies? Is this some sort
of sick karmic situation, a weird spiritual voodoo act, coming back to haunt us…is it?
Well, lo and behold, all in all, we’re actually happier now than we were before…so, there
must be something wrong here.

True Happiness, after all, is unattainable in this life; it is in the second life where the real
happiness lies - supposedly. Happiness is a strange thing, in the religious (catholic)
context I mean. I remember, as a child, feeling ridiculous in mass, sitting there, on the
wooden bench, not budging an inch from my place and then having to recite non-sense,
on and on in the most serious of ways. Not until later, did I realize, that everything was
serious for reasons different to my own, but nonetheless, for years I was oblivious as to
what was going on – not because I wasn’t instructed on the meaning of things, but
because as a kid, I really didn’t understand why everything had to be so…serious. It
seems like sometimes it is “correct” to express happiness, and sometimes it just isn’t.
Attend a Christmas mass, to see what I mean. I’ve been to the Vatican’s. It was the most
somber mass I’ve ever been to. You’d think that celebrating a birthday would entail a bit
of smiling, maybe even a hip-hip-hooray, a “Happy Birthday!” None of that. The mass
was overwhelmed with a mix of somber seriousness and a disturbing gratefulness…to be
able to kneel and serve. Somehow I’d like to think that Jesus didn’t exactly want that.

Somehow, I feel that Jesus is smiling more when he watches a southern U.S.
congregation, shouting and singing, smiling and dancing, shouting to the heavens for
everyone to have a merry Christmas and “praise the lord”.

Everything is subjective though. There is, of course, much happiness derived from some
people’s lifelong servitudes, and those abiding to the Church’s teachings are in fact,
capable of reaching primordial joy. Religious institutions have made, and still make,
many a people, very happy. But, the point here is not whether happiness is attainable or
not, the point here is to not condemn those that deviate from following the same
teachings, beliefs and traditions as the religion-abiding people. It is not fair, just, or
Christian to condemn, judge, or determine what one’s fate will be, if one, does in fact,
deviate. It is unwarranted to denigrate other religions (as the current Pope has) and
consider them “unworthy” or “inferior” to one’s own. How is that moral?

Justification through religion is the worst type of evil there is, because it warrants damage
through adherence to one’s religion. If the religion’s rules and regulations establish that
one’s actions are in fact, just, good and moral, albeit damaging to other parties, it is this
type of rationalization and errant justification that makes way for the worst type of
damage. I call it a “license to damage”.

Centuries ago the license to damage was embodied in persecutions and the crusades.
Most recently, it has been gravely misused for jihads, white supremacist beliefs, and
personal convenience (political or otherwise). These are examples of the fundamentalists
and extremists in today’s world, who religious leaders declare, “have nothing to do with
the real teachings of their religion”. This is right, but it just shows how easy it is to
misinterpret a set of beliefs and conveniently use them for one’s own advantage. At least
the fundamentalists are sincere about their intentions. It is the subtle jihads and crusades
that more respected establishments embark on that should worry us.

It is change that causes all of this to disappear. It is change, which would gradually put an
end to this “license to damage”.

There is so much change already, though. Much change from what things were like
before. This is why I consider that all I am accomplishing in this article is stating the

Religious people now, are a different religious sort of people. It is composed of nit-
pickers (an action, which they have been indirectly forced to resort to, given that not
enough change has happened yet), and average, good, happy people who use the best
parts of their religion and adhere the good parts from it to their lives. Average people.

This is why I repeat: I have never a model catholic, nor do I think I ever will. It is much
too difficult to be one. Even the “model Catholics” are not really 100% model Catholics.

However, it is the “un-model” Catholics within the Church that have cause the greatest of
benefits. The most unexpected of candidates, has now been revealed: Mother Teresa.

It has been revealed, through a set of personal letters, that Mother Teresa expressed her
struggling with her work, her faith and even her doubt of God’s existence. There has been
debate as to why she had these doubts, and what these really meant. Religious folk say
one thing, and non-religious folk, obviously say another thing. I believe that the simple
existence of these letters (most of which were preserved, against the deceased’s wish that
they be destroyed) show, how a good, honest woman, struggled with the same issues
most of us do, yet, never gave up and kept on going.

I personally believe that without this “Crisis of Faith”, the world would have lost one of
its much-missed champions for life. It was this "Crisis" that promoted her purpose-driven

Her undying hunger for world peace and love was reflected on her own personal hunger
for answers, something, which, in the end, only made her stronger. Not weaker.

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