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The

Xmas Project: The Ghost of Christmas Present


Stage is empty except for a few blocks and boxes that can be used to suggest the setting. The backdrop
should allow for images to be projected onto it.

As the play begins, we see images from various versions of the A Christmas Carol played out silently.
The Ghost of Christmas Present (GCP) is heard off stage.

GCP:
Come in and know me better, man!

(A beat)

For more than two-thousand years Ive called on humankind to remember the Spirit of Christmas and
know me better. Each and every holiday season I fill the world with goodness and generosity and every
December the twenty-fifth I find those breakers of Christmas cheer and show them just how wonderful
Christmas is, and how important it is to keep Christmas in their hearts all the yearlong.

GCP enters, speaking to an off-stage character. He should be wearing some sort-of an old-world costume,
robes and the like, which remind us a little of Santa Claus.

GCP:
(cont.)

Truly, Edwin Miser, I fear that if things do not change, I see an empty chair where that little boy once sat.
(to audience) Such a reward for my efforts. Truly now Edwin Miser will stop kicking families out of their
homes and learn to be truly compassionate to his fellow human. Ha, ha! For sooth and a hay nonny-
nonny!!! Ah, Christmas! I love Christmas! Cant you just feel the holiday cheer and joy in air? It always
makes me feel like singing.

(singing) Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, fa la la la (etc.)

GCP sings and invites the audience to sing along. Roberta Cook (RC) runs on stage, bundled up. She looks
at her phone and realizes she missed her bus.

RC:

Fuck!
(she dials)

Hey Susan, yea, I missed my bus so can you tell Nick Im gonna be 10 minutes late. Yea. Thanks.

(she hangs up)

Bitch. (pause) Shit-fuck!

GCP tries to get her involved in the singing, but she just buriers her face in her phone. Finally GCP stops
singing to address her.



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GCP:

Merry Christmas!

RC:

Great.

GCP:

Doesnt the air of a Christmas morning fill your lungs with joy and good cheer and make you feel like
bursting forth with merry song!

GCP begins to sing again.

RC:

No it doesnt! That Christmas air youre loving so much is filled with the joy and good cheer of some hood-
rats meth laced frozen piss!

GCP:

Tis such a sour tone for such glorious morning that burning is merely the pungency of peace on earth,
good will to men Joy to the world

RC:

Wait, wait, wait! Please. It is way too early for Christmas carols.

GCP:

Whatever do you mean? Its Christmas morning! The very best time to sing Christmas carols. As a matter
of fact, I sing Christmas carols three-hundred and sixty-five days a year if you can believe it!

RC:
(she stares at him sighs)

Fuck it.

(beat)

Look. What I mean is it is way to early in the morning to be making this much noise. Yea for your
Christmas Joy-Thingy boo loud noises, okay?

GCP:

Oh, I see



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RC:

Good. Thank you.

GCP:

I see that you are need of fortification to better you merriment and disposition!

GCP crosses to a trash barrel and begins to pull out the makings of a sumptuous feast while humming.

GCP:
(cont.)

Turkey! Ham! Potatoes and gravy! Breads and cheeses! And wine! We mustnt forget the wine!

RC:

Good god, no. Really. Stop that.

GCP:

Come in and know me better

RC:

Ew, no! Shit Stop it! Just stop it

GCP

Are you certain? Theres always more food I can procure.

RC:

Ive got my coffee. That's all I need.

GCP:

Ah, coffee nectar of the gods

RC:

Sure. Look, you seem like a nice guy and very full of your trash-can-Christmas wine, but would you mind
giving me alittle space. I dont want any trouble; Im just trying to wait for my bus in peace.

GCP:

Ah yes (awkward pause) And where might you be taking this public conveyance to on such a glorious
Christmas morn?



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RC:

(to self)

Dont engage, Bertie, dont engage

GCP:

Are you off to see friends and family, to bask in the glow of mirth and laughter?

RC:

Nope. Im off to work.

GCP:

Work? (begins to chuckle)
Oh, I wouldnt worry about going in to work. After all, its Christmas!

RC:

Yeah, well, to the company I work for, its just another day of the year to sell a shit load of chokings
hazards to prepubescent pube-knobs and their fuck-wad families.

GCP:

(taken back)

Youre verbal imagery is truly of a surly nature.

(beat)

Ill let you in on a little secrete. I had a conversation with your employer not more than half an hour ago. I
do believe he will be canceling work this morning.

RC:

Right. You were in Bentonville, Arkansas talking to the Duke of Wal-Mart and this zipped along over a
thousand miles just hang out at the bus stop with me.

GCP:

My dear lady, Im afraid youre mistaken you are not employed by some nameless nobleman in
Arkansas. Your employer must be one Mr. Edwin Miser. He is the living embodiment of Ebenezer Scrooge
this Christmas. And only the living embodiment of Ebenezer Scrooge would force his employees to work
on Christmas day

RC:

Ha!

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GCP:

Theres the absent mirth I so longed to see fill your face once again, my dear lady.

RC:

That wasnt mirth.

GCP:

It sounded very much like mirth

RC:

Youre a fucking crazy person!

GCP:

Madame, I can assure you that I am in full possession of my wits. And as for this constant fixation with
fornication, I assure I am no more capable of such an act as Tiny Tim is of running a marathon!
(Pause)

What I mean to say is that I am the Ghost of

RC:

What!?! Way to ramp up the crazy. I suppose youre gonna tell me youre the ghost of Jacob Marley or one
of my sick uncles.

GCP:

Preposterous. The ghost of Jacob Marley indeed I look nothing like the old kodger.

RC:

Is that so?

GCP:

I am the Ghost of Christmas Present

RC:

Good grief.

GCP:

and I bring the joy of Christmas to everyone I meet.



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RC:

Charmed. Im sure Im Roberta

GCP:

It is a most exquisite pleasure to meet you Miss Roberta!

RC:

Thanks!

GCP:

And I can assure that I have met with Mr. Miser you employer and my brothers and I will most
assuredly show him the error of his ways. By the time you arrive at work, he will have had a complete
change of heart and give you the entire day off maybe even a raise?

RC:
(pause; softening)
Youre nice; in a Im crazy but I dont stink yet sort of way and Im sure your are a hit at holidays parties
and with the kiddos But I dont live in your piss smells like fucking ginger bread world. My world is
filled with broken hopes and fucked up people. Living pay-check-to-pay-check, passing homeless fucks
and suit wearing shit stains in their Beamers on the same block. Cycling through months of work, eat,
sleep, work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep without any possibility for change. Not angry enough to start a
movement but not happy enough to try any harder at it all. I live thats it. My life doesnt have any
Edwin Miser, or Scrooge who benevolently fixes it all with a fucking turkey and a town crier. My mangers
name is Nick, I work as a greeter at Wal-Mart and the fuckers with money want the store open Christmas
day so every entitled little shit that wanted the blue furbie rather than red can flood in, exchange and buy
more shit. In my world, Christmas is just another day on the calendar

GCP:

But but this makes not semblance of sensibility Edwin Miser doesn't own and operate any
establishment by the name of Wal-Mart. He runs Marley and Miser Realty. He forecloses on poor families
and evicts them over the holidays. He is quite certainly the spirit of Ebenezer Scrooge reborn! So how on
earth could you be forced to work against your will on Christmas day?

RC:

Look, it sucks, but truth is there are a lot more Scrooges out there than there used be.

GCP:

Truly?






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RC:

Do you know how many other places are open today? All the coffee shops and grocery stores and
restaurants and movie theatres Nowadays, Christmas is lets just say we arent hoisting crippled kids
onto our shoulders and dancing jigs.

GCP:

There was only supposed to ever be one One Scrooge each Christmas One Scrooge we could show
the error of his ways. Then he would change and Christmas would be wonderful for everyone.

RC:

Those are nice stories, but they arent my life or

GCP:

But Ive seen it. Ive seen people change themselves and then change their world. Christmas is a time of
giving, a time for people to reach out with charity to the less fortunate.

RC:

That lump of blankets over there, sure he may have gotten a good meal yesterday, but everyone just feels
charity for a season. Theyve already put in their time at the shelter; they already made their donation.

GCP:

But

RC:

No one wants to spend Christmas helping others. They want o spend time with family, opening presents
and focusing on themselves. Why do you think all the shelters are under-staffed on Christmas? That
fucker Scrooge is everywhere, buddy. Its gonna take more than a coupe of well meaning ghosts to change
that.

GCP doesn't know how to respond. He slowly sits on one of the blocks. We hear the sound of the bus from
off-stage.

RC:
(cont.)

Well. Thats me.

She begins to leave.

RC:
(cont.)

Um Merry Christmas

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She exits.

GCP:

Yes Merry Christmas

Blackout

END of PLAY