T HE G OLD D IGGER

The stupid choice of mimes since 1920

Volume 69, Issue 8

April 6, 2015

Public Health
Linux Users Report Lowest
Warning: Mines
Rate of Virginity on Campus
Student Succumbs
to E-Days Fever

Ethan Meeks
Staff Writer

On the afternoon of March

25th, students were mildly inconvenienced when Mike Peterson suddenly collapsed on the
concrete pathway between Guggenheim and Kafadar Commons
forcing commuters to step over
and around his immobile figure.
Onlookers reported feeling
very awkward upon viewing
the downed student from over
their shoulder as they continued
on their journey towards their
classrooms.
An unwitting Mines groundskeeper stumbled upon the scene
after reading a post on Yik-Yak
complaining about the obstruc-

tion whilst attacking the Mines

administration with liberal use of
sarcasm and passive aggression.
Further investigations of the
scene revealed a snapchat on
the students phone depicting
a blushing dragon consuming
an impressive, read: unhealthy,
amount of alcoholic substances
while giving a shaky thumbs up.
The loss of Mike is a tragic
reminder to the Mines community of the necessity to keep their
imaginations in check as the most
hallowed date slowly swaggers its
way closer and closer.
If you or anyone you see begins to show symptoms, please
contact the health center immediately.

Figure 1: The percentage of the specied OS users who identied as virgins. Note that
zero percent of Arch Linux users identied themselves of virgins.

Society Attempts to Rebuild After News of 1D Split

Dillon Stine
Staff Writer

On March 25th, the world was

dealt a crippling blow. One Direction
member Zayn Malik announced his
plans to permanently leave the band
in pursuit of a normal life for a 22 year
old. News of this magnitude occurs
so infrequently that news and media
outlets around the world were forced
to go dark as the story overwhelmed
their servers and personnel.
Junior computer science major
Samuel Markoe spoke at length on
the matter. There are only a few
stories I can think of that even come
close to matching the signicance of
Zayns departure from 1D, (Yes
thats actually how the band often
abbreviate themselves), The fall of
the Berlin Wall and eventual collapse

eryone on earth within mere seconds

of the announcement. The exponentially growing amoebae of teenage
girl 1D fans that go by the moniker,
The Directioners, let out a combined
shriek that echoed across the earth,
halting traffic, shattering windows,
and even briey slowing the rotation
of the earth. When asked about the
incident, junior geology major Sean
Cowie replied, Yeah, that doesnt
happen very oftenit was likepretty
crazy. Cowie continued, The only
comparable event we have on record
is the eruption of Krakatoa, whose
shockwave reverberated around the
globe seven timeswhich was also
pretty crazy. Its just so sad to see
a band with such remarkably creative
force permeating through their veins
go from ve members to four members, snied junior petroleum major

The exponentially growing amoe

bae of teenage girl 1D fans that go by
the moniker, The Directioners, let out
a combined shriek that echoed across
the earth, halting trac, shattering
windows, and even briey slowing the
rotation of the earth.

of the Eastern Bloc, the Spanish u

epidemic of the 1920s that killed 20
million worldwide, the rst powered
ight of an airplane in 1903, and of
course that one time when Britney
Spears shaved her head.
Mass rioting and looting have been
reported worldwide after the news of
the bands split reached literally ev-

Adam Weaver when he was found

balled up in a corner of Marquez Hall
frantically weeping. With hit songs
titled I Want, I Wish, I Would, Na
Na Na, and Best Song Ever (all real
song titles), who could possibly deny
that the British boy band is one of the
most innovative on the planet!
Zayns attempt to live a normal life

may soon be undermined if The Directioners have their way with him. An
article from Jezebel.com titled Zayn
Malik is Over, Loses 50,000 Followers After Quitting 1D (Yesthats an
actual non-satirical title) hits the issue
right on the head with a well-written,
perfectly executed quote as follows:
The 22-year-old is already learning
that being normal means there are
50,000 less people who care about
your day or your new solo work. In
fact, those 50,000 people that just
unfollowed you? They actively hate
you now, Zayn.
This Twitter asco must be tearing
Zayn apart, said junior physics major
Tyler Croteau, who continued, Everyone knows that celebrities literally get
their nourishment from tweets, follows,
likes, pokes, stumble-upons, tumblrs,
shares, instagrams, imgurs, bitcoins,
hashtags, and other social media. If
Zayn Maliks ego is not continuously
deated by the online community, then
he very well could become catatonic
and fall into what experts call a vanity
coma. Doctors have been by Zayns
side for the past couple days tickling
his hubris by showing him pictures of
himself and playing Best Song Ever
on a loop in a desperate attempt to
ease his smug demeanor.
The eects of the news can be
seen right here on campus. I approached a befuddled junior chemistry major Evan Carlson on Kafadar
Commons who was seemingly stuck
walking in a circle whilst muttering
incoherently under his breath. With
wide empty eyes Carlson spoke, Its
just thatwith this news, Ive lost all
sense of direction! He continued
circling the already well-trodden path
beneath him, It used to be so simple!

There was only one direction, but now

there are like at least three more directions and I cant make any sense of it!
Students are having such a rough
time dealing with the news that some
are exhibiting signs of shock and
PTSD. When approached about the
issue, junior geology major Quinton

each separately held a eucalyptusdrugged-out koala bear that was having a minor bladder issue that day. The
koala proceeded to settle his bladder
issue on both Styles and Payne as the
two posed with the furry guy for some
adorable pictures.
Only after the two 1D members

Weber replied with, Huh? Who?

and Whats a one direction? The
poor soul is so traumatized by the
incident that his memory has been
permanently altered.
One Direction says that they will
ride out the storm and continue to
be a band, stating that the group is
much bigger than each individual
member. Past experience has proved
that the band is no stranger to tumult;
Zayns departure from 1D comes
roughly three years after fellow band
members Harry Styles and Liam
Payne experienced a chlamydia scare
whilst on tour in Australia (Yesthis
actually happened). The celebrity pair

had been whizzed on by the koala

were they informed that 80% of the
koalas in Australia are infected with
chlamydia, and the one they held
might have had it! Transmission between species is rare but that didnt
comfort Payne who said, Im genuinely scared. This is worrying. Id have
never picked the thing up if Id known.
The world is in shambles trying to
pick up the pieces of broken hearts
strewn about the globe, and Liam
Paynes quote from the mirror.co.uk
so eloquently phrases what were all
feeling, Its sad to think for the time
being we wont grace the stage as
ve bros

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page 2

Pyongyang, North Korea - Researchers at

a government-sponsored laboratory have discovered re. Kim Jong-un has taken credit for
this discovery as he did not behead the scientists
when they were unable to determine how to harness the energy of lightning. This discovery brings
North Korea closer to entering the Bronze Age of
human development. They only have to move forward about 5000 years to reach modern times.

Antarctica - Researchers studying the

mating habits of penguins discovered a strange
device encased in ice. The 15-foot diameter
arch looked similar to a wormhole device discovered in Egypt in the early 1900s. However,
these researchers were reluctant to test its
wormhole-forming powers as they were afraid
of nding a race hostile to humans and being
unable to get home in time for Taco Tuesday.
The US military has locked down the device
until it can be transported to a safe location.

Oredigger Staff
Lucy Orsi
Editor-in-Chief
Emily McNair
Managing Editor
Taylor Polodna
Design Editor
Connor McDonald
Wangmaster
Amos Gwa
Business Manager
Jason Lim
Copy Editor
Brett Tucker
Content Manager
Katerina Gonzales
Content Manager
Katharyn Peterman
Content Manager
Karen Gilbert
Faculty Advisor

april 6, 2015

E.R. Jones, Pantomath

London, United Kingdom - An inquisitive child has given

scientists a new hope for time travel. Researchers at the London
Center of Time built a replica of the time machine from the 1985
lm Back to the Future in hopes of traveling to 1774 and preventing the American Revolutionary War. However, no matter what
they did, they could not get the machine to start. Bill Collins, a ve
year old with a love of classic movies, suggested feeding the ux
capacitor with plutonium rather than uranium. This switch allowed
the machine to run; however, the scientists are having trouble continuing their experiments. London has no roads that are long and
straight enough for them to accelerate to 141.622 kph.

Geneva, Switzerland - Scientists at the

Large Hadron Collider have created a black hole
on Earth. For years, many people feared this result from the particle-smashing experiments, but
ocials at CERN rejected these claims that their
beloved particle collider could create something
so devastating. The UN has been called to help
contain the black hole, but their attempts are not
likely to be fruitful. As of this writing, the innitely
dense mass is only as large as a basketball and
is estimated to have consumed several tons of
material, including a scientist and his friendly feline companion. Scholars predict that this black
hole will engulf the Earth within two weeks.

Headlines from Around the World

Brian Williams, Beloved Anchorman
The Portland-based environmental group Love the Natural World
is beginning their controversial plan
to transport polar bears to Antarctica to protect them from
global warming. The non-prot
has purchased a yacht to transport
polar bears from their native Alaska
to Antarctica to protect them from
the melting polar ice. Theres plenty
of ice in Antarctica, said Luke Darwin, so it ought to be the perfect
home for them. However, penguin
conservationists are ghting this
measure as their feathered friends
are unlikely to fear the polar bears.
When asked, Darwin explained that
this was simply a process of natural selection and that the penguins
must adapt or die.
Several African countries, including Sierra Leone, have banned
travel both from and to the
United States. Ocials fear that
Americans will help ebola spread
into currently disease-free areas.
While the epidemic has died down
from the massive 2014 outbreak,
there is still fear that the disease will
come back with a vengeance. Citing the lax quarantine procedures in
many US hospitals, ocials in Sierra

Leone believe that they can ght the

disease alone. However, they are
asking for donations to buy doctors
from local villages. Anyone willing
to donate money to the cause can
contact the Sierra Leone Embassy in
Buford, Wyoming.
The Australian military has
invaded New Zealand. Tensions
between the two nations have been
brewing for years. Ever since Lord
of the Rings was lmed in New Zealand, Australians have been jealous
of their more scenic neighbors. The
invasion commenced at midnight in
an attempt to surprise the New Zealanders, who were taken prisoner
until they explained how much better
Australia is. If the prisoners did not
submit, they were locked in a room
with either a Tasmanian devil or a
fully grown male kangaroo. Australian ocials deny that this kind of torture took place, but locals note the
extreme lack of Tasmanian devils in
Tasmania as proof of this diabolical
plot. The United States is readying
the army to defend New Zealand
should they require any assistance.
Swiss authorities are closing
their infamously secretive banks.
These closings do not come as a

shock as many governments, including those of Swaziland and Malta, have been pressuring the Swiss
government to put more restrictions
on these banks for years. Switzerland denied these requests and decided that if they could not run their
banks as they saw t, no one could
use their banks. This move has angered many Swiss citizens as it has
eectively destroyed a very lucrative
profession. Now they have all been
relegated to working in tourism or
making watches.
California residents are petitioning the White House to approve
a pipeline from the Great Lakes
to the parched San Joaquin Valley.
This pipeline would transport several
hundred acre-feet of water per day
with most of that going to almond
producers. The tness nuts proclaim
that their beloved protein-packed
snack must stay on supermarket
shelves. The proposed pipeline will
run straight from Lake Michigan to
the valley without regard for endangered species or homestead locations. Environmentalists are too focused on saving the polar bears to
save such creatures as the lesser
prairie chicken from this pipeline.

Local News
Jeerson County ocials have
scheduled blasting on Castle Rock,
the large cli on South Table Mountain overlooking Coors. Ocials say
that the clis have been crumbling
for some time and this operation
is meant to protect the public. The
blasting will remove several tons of
rock from the face of the clis. The
trail will be closed from 7 pm to 1
am on April 31st.
The worlds largest ball of yarn
unraveled through Clear Creek
Canyon on Sunday, closing US 6
for several hours. Emergency crews
had trouble gathering all of the yarn
due to the sheer number of cats
that descended into the area. It was
estimated that one hundred cats
were drawn to the yarn, creating a
nightmare for travelers. US 6 has
since reopened and the ball of yarn
was transported to Greeley without
any further mishaps.
Local religious leaders are petitioning Golden High School to
change their mascot. The schools
mascot has been the Demon since
1928, and this decision has not
come without controversy. People,
mostly parents from rival school
districts, have been calling for a
change in the mascot since its inception as they believe its connotations have given the school a major
advantage in football. School ofcials have called these attacks on
their mascot laughable and have
no plans to change the Demon anytime soon.
The Golden Police Department
is adding a new crime-ghting creature to their repertoire. Balthasar, a
two-year-old barn owl, is specially
trained for evening reconnaissance
during music festivals. The owl
dives into the crowd to take prohibited items from concertgoers.
Many residents have expressed
concerns about Balthasar, but the
Golden Police insists that the owl
is for the publics protection and is
completely safe. Anyone interested
in meeting Balthasar can do so at
an open house in early June.

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april 6, 2015

page 3

The Glorious Revolution of Colorado School of Mines

Frank J Knafelc
Staff Writer

Heroes of Colorado School of

Mines, the glorious struggle that
is our college career continues
yet another wonderful day. Here,
your righteous Oredigger, the
motherlands of all informative and

Recently, it has been disheartening to hear the vicious rumors

that have been spreading around
our infallible departments. True
patriots know that our registration
department is the most ecient
of its kind on earth. The unfounded lies about careless registration procedures and students

Selsh comrades complaining

about not getting their preferred class

time slots should know that a hero asks

not what his school can do for him, but
what he can do for his school (especially
when youre an alumni).
extremely well read paper, presents your leaders responses to
the supposed grievances of the
state.

being unable to complete their

planned schedules are simply the
product of malevolent CU spies.
Selsh comrades complaining

The Most Wonderful

Time of the Year
Abby Zimmerman
Staff Writer
The month of April brings one
of the most highly anticipated
events of the school year. For a
few days, students cannot contain their excitement. There are
endless activities to participate in
that are unique to this special time.
E-Days, although though coming
in a close second, doesnt even
begin to compare to the undeniably best event of the school year:
registration.
Registration week at Mines is
a beautiful thing. Students plan
their schedules in perfectly-tted,
colored blocks on computer
screens. They nd out which pro-

waiting for that last minute to end

and their registration time to begin. The best feeling in the world
is completing that long-awaited
click and seeing a red exclamation point. The Trailhead error
icon makes Mines students
hearts sing all over campus.
Then, even after all the other
excitement, theres still the blue
sheet. The Registration Action
forms provide a great break from
endlessly refreshing Trailhead.
Students get to attempt to track
down elusive professors and beg
them for mercy and a signature.
Its like a fun, dynamic scavenger
hunt. The best part is that if the
professors are found, they will
likely dismiss the request anyway.

E-Days, although coming in a close

second,
doesnt even begin to compare

about not getting their preferred

class time slots should know that
a hero asks not what his school
can do for him, but what he can
do for his school (especially when
youre an alumni).
Genuine patriots answer the
call to class at any hour whether
that is 0600 or 1900. Also, we
neednt remind you, laborers of
our magnicent institution shall
work tirelessly during their assigned work period without cessation of any form. This includes
lunch, that when you do have
time for, Sodexo will provide all
that you could possible want at
prices and times specically designed for the Mines student.
Sodexo wouldnt want you to be
ripped o at some shady establishment.
With regard to the perpetrators spreading these vile rumors,
they should be turned in on the
spot to any sta ocers or TAs on

duty. They all have a rm grasp of

the language will gladly help you
with your troubles. With that out

Any slackers or slanderers will be

sentenced to extra homework, decreased

munch money rations from Sodexo, and
possible time spent suering in a fraternity hazing gulag.
of the way, we can now cover the
upcoming E-days festivities. It is
required that students should attend all E-Days events and enjoy
themselves with the utmost zeal
as the bands and comedians we
have selected are by far some of
the most popular and well known
on planet earth. Any slackers
or slanderers will be sentenced
to extra homework, decreased
munch money rations from Sodexo, and possible time spent

dream that is Mines. What we tirelessly work for is soon to come.

The innite splendor of your victory is at hand, in a place of six
gure jobs and planet changing
power. Your competitors who
torment you now, living in the
gluttony of an easy life, will soon
know the bane of a low paying
wage and lifestyle. Fairness is
Mastering Engineering. Freedom
is alcohol. Crippling student loans
are wealth.

scent. Load up the perfume or

cologne. Nothing says classy like
your interviewer being physically removed from a room due to cologne
asphyxiation.
Next step: the approach/handshake. Before you meet your interviewer, remember to really focus
your thoughts on all of your previous
awkward social interactions and
pitfalls of life. Try to dwell on these,
and whilst in a state of self-loathing,
approach your potential employer.
While walking over, extend your
arm to shake their hand at least
30-35 feet before you even reach
them. This way, the interviewer will
be impressed by your eagerness to
meet them. Once you are within
striking distance, pull the classic
slick-your-hair-back-instead-of-ahandshake move while slyly uttering, Ooo too cool. Already captivated by your drawn-out entrance,
the interviewer will be overwhelmed
with your coolness that I would be
surprised if they didnt hire you on
the spot.

If somehow you arent oered

an internship yet, the next hurdle is
the actual interview. Even if the interviewer has already scanned over
your resume, they will inevitably ask
you if you have had any previous
industry experience. Instead of explaining how your coursework will
make up for the lack of experience,
you should instead explain that
what you lack in industry experience, you make up for in swag. Interviewers always enjoy a revamp in
their vocabulary to keep up with the
times, so try enlightening them with
generational slangs and phrases
such as stoked, chill, bae, turn
up, and Ariana Grande. Also
seek to be as brief as possible. You
dont want to be there, and they
sure as hell dont either. Doing this
shows that you are a no-nonsense
person who doesnt have time for
petty questions meant for less deserving candidates.
Voila! You have now successfully gotten an internship at your
dream company!

How to Get an Internship

Sean Cowie
Staff Writer

Here at Colorado School of

Mines, events such as Career Day
are a judgment day of sorts. They
can make or break you. If you have
never gotten an internship before,
take it from a guy who has never
landed one either: its not that hard
and youre overthinking it.
First step: the attire. Tired of
dressing the exact same as everyone else in a professional business setting? Well, the employer
is absolutely sick of it too. Forget
the suit and tie, spice it up a little
bit and throw on something that
will spark some interest in the interviewer. People say that you only
make a rst impression once, so
why not make that impression last
a lifetime? Some people say that
snuggies are out of fashion, but I
think the contrary. Perhaps a sensible face tattoo before the big day
would work in your favor as well.
The next order of business is your

to the undeniably best event of the

school year: registration.

fessor they want. They choose

sections that start and end at their
ideal times. They expect to get
into all of the classes they need to
continue on their owcharts.
The preparation is always enjoyable, but the real fun begins
when the registration actually
commences. Students with later
time slots love to check Trailhead
and see the number of spots in
their classes disappear alarmingly
fast. They enjoy the sense of helplessness that washes over them
as they realize that their perfect
schedule is quickly slipping out of
their grasp.
One of the highlights of the
week is the panicked scramble
to nd alternate classes that still
have prerequisites completed
and spots available. Students
compete against one another by
sitting hunched over keyboards.
Their hands hover, ready to click.
Their eyes stare at the clock,

suering in a fraternity hazing gulag.

Remember, comrades,
the

This gives students the chance to

return to their computer screens
and desperately try to salvage
their schedules.
After hours (or days), the activity starts to die down. Students
either get into all of their classes
or settle into their nice, cozy spots
on the wait list. A cloud of mourning hangs over the campus. The
fun is over. The excitement is
gone. The seniors are saddened
that they did not get to participate
just this one last time. They reect
back nostalgically on all of their
good registrations passed and
visit the Registrars Oce once
more, for old times sake. They tell
the underclassmen in sad, wise
voices, Dont take these times
for granted. Someday, you wont
have anything left to register for.
The underclassmen heed their
warnings solemnly, as they begin
to count down the days until next
years registration.
w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

PHOTO CREDIT KATERINA GONZALES

l a i s

page 4

What Does the

Department Say?

i n

r e v i e w

april 6, 2015

How Early Do You Start LAIS Homework?

Jeremy Yong
Staff Writer
This week, The Oredigger
The department has not
takes a closer look at one of looked back ever since, prothe rising departments on ducing noteworthy alumni in
campus for our latest series on the past ten years in the form
department in review.
of John Keats, who went on
Having been censured in to publish the famed poem
the past by scholars for an Lamia and William Wordoveremphasis on the STEM sworth, another prominent
elds, Mines is now a leading poet. Though very few, there
global research university in were still students who did not
the eld of Liberal Arts and In- fully recognize the core values
ternational Studies.
of the department.
The Department of Liberal
Professor Swift also admitArts and International Stud- ted facing diculties in conies
(LAIS)
vincing a foris home to
student,
The Department mer
around
20
Charles Darfaculty and of Liberal Arts and win, to drop
200 under- International
Stud- his theory of
graduate
evolution as
s t u d e n t s , ies (LAIS) is home to part of his sec u r r e n t l y around 20 faculty and nior
project
having
a
at Mines. It
200
undergraduate seemed that
student
to
currently Darwin had
faculty ratio students,
of 10:1. The having a student to caught wind
undergraduof the theory
ate program faculty ratio of 10:1. that was rst
has been by
postulated
far the largest in the schools by Lamarck and believed that
history, and class sizes are he could further expand on
expected to increase expo- the theory after his graduanentially in the upcoming aca- tion. However, the outcome of
demic years.
that theory appears to be unHead of department, Pro- known, since Darwin dropped
fessor Jonathan Swift, has out of the department in his
been an active professor at nal year.
Mines for the past ten years.
Also, Professor Swift wantSome of his notable works pri- ed to highlight the fruition of
or to joining Mines include the his long-term project at Mines
highly acclaimed literary clas- by introducing Matthew Arsic, Gullivers Travels. Profes- nold, the valedictorian of the
sor Swift took some time out graduating class of 2015, who
with The Oredigger to reect has turned heads with his reupon his past achievements, cent work in promoting the
current prospects, as well as eld of liberal arts and intervision for the department.
national studies globally. ProThe success of the LAIS fessor Swift proudly acknowldepartment boils down to the edged the potential impact
strong belief in reasoning and of Arnolds work in the eld
morality. He asserts that this of international studies, and
core belief opens doors to a hopes that Arnold would condiverse range of career choic- sider venturing his career into
es. Majoring in Liberal Arts and academia at Mines. In a sepaInternational Studies does not rate interview, Matthew Arnold
limit one to a specic industry, boldly admitted that he is not
which is increasingly crucial in a scientist and hence does not
light of the recent downturns dispute many scientic claims,
of certain industries.
but suggested that science will
Professor Swift recalled the always be incomplete in the
dening moment that set the absence of classical studies in
wheels in motion for him - his literature.
experience with Lamarck, a
Professor Swift predicts a
former student who attended rosy future for the LAIS departMines through a foreign ex- ment. Given the exponential
change program. During an growth in class sizes so far, he
NHV class, Swift was appalled does not foresee a decline in
by Lamarcks preposterous admissions in the near future.
suggestion of the possibil- Instead, he maintains that proity of evolution. In his opinion, spective students should conLamarck is the epitome of the sider the multiplicity of career
problems associated with sci- choices available and the nonence. The lack of rationality, cyclical nature of the industry
practicality and ethics behind when deciding on a major.
his eccentric scientic motiva- Mines has a history of production has convinced Professor ing great alumni from this deSwift that an education reform partment, and he challenges
is vital towards building a gen- both current and prospective
eration of rational and princi- students to contribute to the
pled thinkers.
schools success.

Favorite class?
Film Studies
Poetry
Happiness and Fulllment
Intercultural Communication
Cultural Anthropology (or Trends in
Yik Yak Posts)
Corporate Sexism
Shakespeare and Engineering
Evolution of the Engineer
Music Technology
Feminism
Science Communication
Ethics of Mining and Drilling (or the
Philosophy of Ayn Rand)

Toughest Class?

Favorite Professor?
Samuel Coleridge
Mary Shelley
Henry Huxley
Alfred Tennyson

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april 6, 2015

f e a t u r e s

page 5

The Secrets of Heaven - REVEALED!

Emily McNair
Metaphysical Expert
Dr. Swaggerwald: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Dr. Swaggerwald
Show! Tonight I will speak with
Mr. Lazarus about his recent
near-death experience. After miraculously surviving a plunge off
Independence Pass in his Lamborghini Leviosa, Mr. Lazarus
life flashed before his eyes, time
froze momentarily, and he had
an otherworldly experience. Mr.
Lazarus, can you describe what
happened when time froze?
Mr. Lazarus: To be honest,
Im not exactly sure. You might
do better asking a physicist, but
good luck understanding what
they tell you. I couldnt tell if they
knew. I dont understand relativity very well, but I dont think it
applies to the supernatural. This
contradiction may have scrambled their minds...
DS: While I would love to contemplate the nature of the universe with you, that is just bad
for ratings. My previous talk show
was canceled because I bleeped
out words like Justin Bieber.
Can we skip over the metaphysics and get down to the good
gossip?
ML: Im sorry, I dont mean to
put you out of business. Well get
right to the stuff that matters to
your viewers. When time froze, I
relived my whole life. Everything
from my first crush who was
Moaning Myrtle to that time I
punched out Piers Morgan. Jeremy Clarkson sent me a congratulations letter for that one. When
I got back to the present, there
was a white flash and I was suddenly walking through clouds.
DS: You mean to say that the
medieval illustrations of heaven
being a paradise in the clouds
are literally accurate?
ML: Not quite. It was a 33 degree rain fog and there was slush
on the ground. It was like how I
always imagined autumn in Kamchatka or Dutch Harbor. And
then the wind started to pick up.
Pretty soon there was a blizzard
and I heard a voice call out to me
in the darkness.
DS: Who was it? Was it Saint
Peter calling your name?
ML: As a matter of fact, it
was. But this is where everything
started to go wrong. Saint Peter
was in a row boat battling his
way through the breakers. Then
a wave dashed his boat to pieces
and he was screaming for help.
I assumed that this was some
kind of test and immediately
jumped in to try to save
Saint Peter. This was
when I remembered
that water transfers
heat far faster than
air does, and that ski
clothes get heavy
when soaked in
saltwater.

DS: How did you save the

saint?
ML: I didnt. I barely dragged
myself out of the water. The coward was wearing a survival suit
and floated up to the beach just
fine. He then chewed me out
for my cowardice. At that point
I told him that he was a BLEEP
BLEEP BLEEPING BLEEPER
BLEEP BLEEP. He hung his head
in shame and acknowledged that
this was true. He had not faced
any real difficulties for a couple
millennia and had probably forgotten how to cope with it. As
he went on to tell me, the present dire situation had shown that
this problem was widespread in
heaven.
DS: What do you mean? Situation in heaven? I thought it was
supposed to be all the good
things and none of the bad?
ML: Well, thats how it was
supposed to be. And how it was
for a couple thousand years. But
things had gone horribly wrong.
DS: Horribly wrong?
ML: Its a long story and I
didnt hear all of it at that point.
We stumbled our way down the
beach with Saint Peter cursing
Satans stupidity. We made it to
a small fishing village where a
bearded man was busy telling the
fishermen where he thought the
fish would be. A fisherman told
him that hed been right for just
under 2000 years. But that all
changed sometime around 1898.
DS: What happened in 1898?
ML: I asked the fishermen
that. They said some bastards
started showing up in big metal
boats that made a lot of smoke
and dragged nets along the bottom. They wiped out the easy
fisheries and nobody in all of
heaven could compete with
them. They also flew a flag no
one here had ever seen. It was
black and white and emblazoned with a black eagle.
DS: Do you mean?
ML: Yes, it was every
bit as bad as you assumed.
DS: You said
something about
Satan
being
a fool? And
1898?
ML:
Yes I
did.
You

see, a Prussian chancellor

made a deal with the Devil. The
Devil helped the chancellor unify
Germany and the Devil was
supposed to get the Chancellors soul. The chancellor died in
1898 and Satan went to collect
his soul. However, the Devil was
out of his league. It turned out
that the chancellor owned the
Devils soul and immediately
took over the place. The chancellor was Otto Von Bismarck.
DS: What? How the hell did
that happen?
ML: No historian ever was
able to figure out what Bismarck
was thinking. Probably because
they werent anywhere near his
level. Anyway, Satan was more
of a brute. He used size and intimidation to get what he wanted. That didnt work. He lost his
powers when Bismarck got his
soul. Then Bismarck unceremoniously shot him and declared a
new Imperial Germany.
DS: How did the clergy miss
this one?
ML: Simple. They only talk
to the angels. To the angels,
smoke in hell is nothing new.
They didnt recognize the difference between volcanic
smoke and coal smoke.
Hell had an industrial
revolution and heaven
didnt notice.
DS: So how did
you end up in Kamchatka
or
God knows
where in a
little fishing village?

ML: Well, the fishermen told

me that Bismarck wasnt one
to rest on his laurels indefinitely.
The Pearly Gates stood on top
of one of heavens largest coal
seams. We first realized that Bismarck might have expansionist
plans when infantry armed with
K98 mausers stormed the place.
Turns out that angels arent bulletproof, and mausers work better than bows. The entire landscape around the Pearly Gates
has been strip mined. The gates
still stand in the middle of an old
pit that has filled with water. Obviously we cant use them anymore.
DS: Thats horrible! How could
God let that happen? Is He absent?
ML: Actually yes. He
abdicated His

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throne.
DS: Why would He do such a
thing and let heaven fall?
ML: He didnt actually have
much of a choice. It all started
when heaven decided to implement a telegraph system.
DS: Telegraphs?
ML: Yeah, even angels can
only shout so loud. It turned
out that Bismarck loves telegraphs. Remember what he did
to France? Well, he must have
figured that no one would expect
him to pull the same old trick
twice. He started doctoring telegrams from God to other figures
and causing events on Earth. He
took his vengeance on the Kaiser
by making the Zimmerman telegram. The last straw was when
he doctored a telegram from God
to George W. Bush. The angels
fell for it and had a unanimous
vote of no confidence.
DS: So heaven was left leaderless?
ML: Yeah. And then hell got all
of the good people.
DS: Good people? I thought
good people went to heaven?
ML: Okay, useful people who
were capable of getting things
done. They got the whole Manhattan Project, Oppenheimer,
Johnny Von Neuman, and so
on. Heaven got Mother Teresa. Ill give you one guess
who is better at making
weapons of mass destruction.
DS: Heaven? Cant they
cause floods and lightning?
ML: Oppenheimer and
Von Neuman specialize in making very large
glowing glass parking
lots.
DS: Thats horrible!
ML: And that is
why Im here now.
Saint Peter gave
me the option to
go back or stay.
Thats what he
does for near
death experiences that could go
either way. Nobody ever took
him up until recently.
DS:
So
youre
telling me that I
shouldnt go
to heaven?
ML: You
should start
sinning as
fast as you
can. Which
end of the
bayonet
do you
want to
be on?

f e a t u r e s

page 6

april 6, 2015

Engineering Problem Research Finds

Low-Quality
Solving with C++

J. West
Staff Writer

Upon glancing at this third edition textbook, many will be drawn

to the cosmic designs that feature Mars and a topography map.
It leads readers of this engineerrecommended book to believe
that this book will show them the
stars. However, after deep reection on this book
and its merits, it
should be said
that this book is
not as out-ofthis-world as its
authors (or engineers) would
have you believe.
Etter and Ingber begin the
book with much
promise.
With
a textual format
that is aesthetically
pleasing
and easy for engineers to process, the book begins with a reection of all the applications of
C++ and programming in todays
world. It provides a well-worded
historical background to the programming language that seems
like deceptively good fodder for
someones rst Programming
Concepts quiz.
However, the text immediately
strays from the path of a good
literary read as soon as it began

dening terms that are set in bold.

As any self-respecting writer of
good literature knows, using vocabulary and then subsequently
dening those words undermines
the condence of any reader, and
takes attention away from the
plotline. In fact, another aw in
this textbook is that it lacks any
whisper of a plot whatsoever.
One question that any critical
reader will ask during his or her
journey through Engineering

be able to make heads nor tails

of strange breaks in paragraphs
that feature fragments like the following:
cout << Happy April 6th
Day! << endl;
This is not even the worst instance. In some cases, an entire
page is dedicated to strange discourses in some weird language
that has remnants of English with
a seemingly excessive use of
punctuation and lack of words.
Is it not the point
of a novel to
impress
upon
a reader something beautiful
and meaningful
through
uid,
well-constructed sentences?
In the case
of this textbook,
it could be said
that the cover
lures
readers
into thinking this
book is about
the amazing adventures of an engineer working
his or her way to visit Mars with
his trusty sidekick, C++, when
instead it is a choppy, plotless
novel told in a halting language.
Any attempts to establish valuable motifs or themes that would
enhance the story are fruitless.
English majors looking for a good
read should look elsewhere, and
leave the engineering majors to
their strange alien literature delights.

Living Conditions
for Instagram Filters

Perhaps the worst quality of this

book is the fact that many of the sen-

tences are not coherent. Anyone reading

this book will not be able to make heads
nor tails of strange breaks in paragraphs
that feature fragments like the following:
cout << Happy April 6th Day! <<
endl;
Problem Solving with C++ is why
they should continue to read the
story if there is no plot to follow.
It is almost as if each chapter exists completely independent and
separate from all the others. It is
probably suggestive that lectures
using this book might even study
the chapters out of order.
Perhaps the worst quality of
this book is the fact that many of
the sentences are not coherent.
Anyone reading this book will not

Braden Egtvedt
Staff Writer
Broomeld, CO The popularity
of sharing pictures of food, places,
and people seemed to have been
given a positive trend when Instagram arrived at the app store. But
Ahnika Luptin, an independent researcher from Arvada, CO, who
studies the dwellings of app features, has unveiled an unprecedented truth about the photo giant.
The lters Instagram raises are
not being taken care of as well as we
originally thought. Luptin says in her
report, #nolter, or #killlters? (2014).
Luptin, too, enjoyed the mobile app
after its initial release in late 2010, but
started to notice strange behaviors
from the lters. The person responsible for the start of her research was
former colleague Bryan LaTro.
I really enjoyed the Brannan lter when I rst installed Instagram,
LaTro explains, It has a very metallic look and is very majestic. But I
noticed how it seemed to enhance
the appearance of my wife when she
got sickalmost as if they had something in common. LaTro took to
lter to Dr. Liam Bergoni, a Biological
Filters professor at Regis University.
Dr. Bergoni recalled the encounter:
It was a pleasant surprise to see
Bryan again, though a little unsettling. At rst I had no idea what he
could be talking about. Ive raised
several lters in my labs before and
I have never documented any behavioral dierences from the ones
provided by Instagram. But I never
could quite achieve the kind of metallic shading Instagram provides.
Bergoni looked at the Brannan lter
with LaTro and they discovered the
ingredient to the metallic shading:
Lead.
Luptin found the results appalling and began her own research to
see how Instagram has been treating other lters. Her initial nd was
behind the mission statement in the
terms of use:
Instagram promises 100% fair
trade, cage-free, grass-fed, and no
additive lters. Only the nest!
Every word in this statement
is true, but only just. As Luptin ex-

w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

plains, Fair trade is a program in

which companies enter themselves
to pay farmers and other local producers a reasonable amount of
money for their products. Instagram
pays 100% fair trade while participating in fair trade. Other lter farms
not registered for fair trade, and that
is where a majority of Instagrams
lters come from. Luptin continues
to explain that, though Instagram
is cage free, that does not mean
free-roam. The lters are kept in
tightly enclosed, fenced areas that
are technically classied as pens,
not cages. Instagram also claims
to have grass-fed lters, which is
again true, but the grass is genetically modied in order to enhance
ltering capabilities while still being
legally classied as grass. Finally,
no additive lters is a very loose
term. Though Instagram implies
that the lters are completely natural with no genetic modications to
the product, that is all no additive
means. Instagram hides the fact that
the aforementioned grass as well as
medications and other consumables
are genetically modied, though not
to the amount where they must list it
on the product.
In addition to the Brannan lters,
Luptin found other lters with mishandled care. Kelvin is raised in intense heat so as to increase the average body temperature of the lter,
Earlybird lters suer from sleep deprivation, Sierra lters are not actually raised in sierra terrains, but rather
spend their whole lives on the leather seats of GMC Sierras until they
are ready for download, and Toaster
lters are buttered and bathed in jelly
every night with an electric shock
every two weeks to stimulate their
cores. As we concluded our interview with Luptin, we asked her if
she wanted to leave a message for
those who use Instagram lters. Her
response: Denitely to #nolter. We
are hurting these lters by letting Instagram think we want them the way
they are.
Lets make a dierence in lterkind by leaving them to Polaroid, so
that they may be remembered as a
strong species, but slowly drift away,
out of our usage.

april 6, 2015

A Tribute to
the Mouse of
CTLM 102
Katrina San Nicolas
Staff Writer
With his cute whiskers and
scampering paws, the mouse
of CTLM 102 will forever be
remembered for his incredible
influence on the students of
Mines. The mouse was born
sometime in late 2014 or early
2015 and immigrated to CTLM
102 early in the spring semester of 2015 in search of greater
academic opportunities.

f e a t u r e s

sors and even enjoying the occasional non-physics course in

the popular lecture hall. While
he struggled a bit with differential equations, the mouse
is commended by faculty and
students alike for his incredible
work ethic and perseverance.
Aside from his physics ability, the mouse of CTLM 102 will
be remembered for his helpful nature and humorous spirit.
He was known for giving faculty
and front row students quite a

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Over the past two weeks, several dead squirrels have been found in our neighborhood. It appears that all of the squirrels have disappeared. The City of Golden Animal
Control Department believes that these squirrels have been poisoned, probably accidently. This could have been done with any of the various kinds of rodent poison or
with antifreeze (ethylene glycol).
(NOTE: Ethylene glycol poisoning is caused by the ingestion of ethylene glycol, the primary
ingredient in automotive antifreeze. Ethylene glycol is a toxic, colorless, odorless, almost nonvolatilve liquid with a sweet taste that is sometimes accidently consumed by children and animals
due to its sweetness.)
PLEASE:
If you are using rodent poison in or around your house (attic, under your porch, etc.) or yard,
please stop or provide a protective squirrel-proof cover for the poison station. This can be dangerous not only to squirrels but also to our pets and children. Please be alert to possible
poison sources used by others as well as any pools, leaks or pooling of antifreeze.

If you nd a dead squirrel:

Above all, the mouse of CTLM 102

taught Mines students about the power of
education, no matter who we are or where
we come from. His incredible inuence
will not be forgotten.
While somewhat discouraged by his unique background,
the mouse has always loved
physics and overcame many
obstacles to follow his dream
of studying at one of the most
prestigious engineering universities in the country. He completed both Physics 1 and 2
in a matter of weeks, listening
to lectures by all of the profes-

scare, and he strived to make

friends in both Physics 1 and 2
classes by spicing up lectures
with his unexpected appearances. Above all, the mouse of
CTLM 102 taught Mines students about the power of education, no matter who we are
or where we come from. His
incredible influence will not be
forgotten.

page 7

1. DO NOT TOUCH IT without protection.

2. Do not let your children or pets touch it.
3. CALL: The Golden Police Department to report your nd. The City will either come to
pick it up or tell you how to dispose of it.
Ocer Jamie Segal
303-384-8048
jsegal@cityofgolden.net
4. If you want to move it, you should use a tool or disposable gloves to pick it up and seal it
in a plastic bag.

Thank you for your help with this,

Your Concerned Neighbors
*This is a serious announcement

#idigmines Day
Photo Contest

Would you dig winning $500 for your student club or organization?
Show Mines donors why you dig Mines with your Instagram photo using #idigmines!
The winning photo will be selected on February 27 and shared with Mines donors to thank
them for their support.

Submit your photo by February 26

Stop by Mines Market in Elm Hall on February 26

to pick up your #idigmines pin and a special treat.

w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

f e a t u r e s

page 8

april 6, 2015

Mines Market Food Quartz

Ronald Ken
Staff Writer
Recent changes in Mines dining
saw the opening of Mines Market,
which replaced Slate Cafe. Clearly
engineers would take things too literally, many people would walk into
Mines Market trying to buy eggs
and milk to make their own food
instead. So the administration has
decided to change the name to
prevent further confusion.
Because they dont want to be
reminded of the dark and dreary
Slate Cafe, the admins have decided to change the name into
something more tting for the food
and campus in general: Food
Quartz.
Why Food Quartz you ask?

The administration has declined

to comment on their reasoning behind this specic name change, but
here are a few possible reasons.
First, there are many dierent
types of food served there. The
many colors and forms of quartz
represent this idea. It is also a reection of the dierent, diverse groups
on campus.
Second, quartz is the second
most common mineral on the Earth.
This idea can be likened to eating,
the second most common thing
Mines freshmen do. The rst is crying night to night in a fetal position
wondering what they did in their life
to deserve Mines as a punishment.
Third, quartz can conduct electricity under pressure, just like Mines
students who have the supernatu-

ral ability to generate innitely more

ideas under pressure. This explains
why all homework is done ve minutes before it is due.
These are the only reasons that
come to mind. Changing the name
of the dining hall can take a lot of
getting used to and the idea should
not be taken for granite. It is gneiss
for the administration to think about
whats best for the students, but the
reasoning for their decisions just uorite over our heads. Our sediments
go to the name Mines Market,
which will metamorphose into the
Food Quartz this coming May. Its
a lot of change in a year and many
people are rock steady in keeping
the name as it is, but it looks like the
name change is going to proceed
as planned.

All Your Favorites Movie 43 Cinematic History

Jacqueline Feuerborn
Staff Writer

Erica Dettmer-Radtke
Staff Writer

Are you looking for something delicious to feed your girlfriend/boyfriend/roommate/parents/anyone really? Well, look no further because
this is the meal for you! You are just a few simple steps away from
creating a tasty meal made up of all your favorite foods. Also, this meal
is perfect if youre on the go - just wait and see!

Movie 43 was possibly one of

the best movies made in 2013, on
the same level as Grown Ups 2
and Scary Movie 5, two other instant classics of the year. With a stellar 4.4 out of 10 stars on IMDB, it has
topped all of the charts. Movie 43 is
a series of connected heartfelt short
lms that follow a producer as he attempts to pitch some quality storylines. These stories follow an impressive list of Hollywood movie stars.
With a star-studded cast including such names as Hugh Jackman
and Kate Winslet, nothing could possibly go wrong. As if those two were
not enough, the list continues. Other
actors in the movie include Seth
MacFarlane, Dennis Quaid, Greg
Kinnear, Naomi Watts, Chris Pratt,
Anna Faris, Emma Stone, Aasif Mandvi, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman,
Kristen Bell, Gerard Butler, Chloe
Grace Moretz, Halle Berry, Snooki,
and Elizabeth Banks. With such a list
of famous, attractive people, there is

COURTESY ACMB PHOTOGRAPHY

Ingredients:
Everything in your favorite savory meal
Everything in your favorite dessert
Your favorite vegetable
Your favorite fruit
Your favorite drink
Your favorite candy

no way that the script could mess

anything up.
A single director alone cannot be
credited with this work of art. Instead,
there are thirteen dierent directors.
That is a lucky number right? These
directors include Elizabeth Banks,
Steven Brill, Steve Carr, James
Gunn, and Will Graham. Each director has their own skit or two that they
directed. With that mashup, it was
obviously hard for them to mess anything up.
The stories which this movie follows have great depth and meaning.
From a girl getting her period for the
rst time to a couple of dates that go
super well to even better stories, this
movie knows how to keep its plot
going. Nothing in the movie is at all
oensive. In fact, parents worldwide
probably felt better about themselves
knowing that their teenagers saw this
in theaters and wholeheartedly enjoyed it. Teenagers need more joy in
their lives.
Movie 43 is full of jokes, which
are denitely appropriate for anyone
of any age. The humor in this movie

is classy and occasionally very subtle.

Most middle schoolers would most
likely not understand the jokes in
the movie. And, unlike most movies
nowadays, there were actually more
funny parts than just what was featured in the trailer. It was nice to see a
lm that expanded its humor past its
three and a half minute preview.
The name itself is incredibly genius. As anyone who has seen the
movie will know, it holds immense
depth and goes to show what a
quality piece of cinema this work of
art is. This lm will go down in history as being on a similar level as
other great lms such as Epic
Movie, Birdemic: Shock and Terror, and Batman and Robin. The
soundtrack of the lm is as rich as the
images themselves. It adds a certain
depth to the lm that would not be
there without it. A lot of people say
that a soundtrack can make a movie
better, and that is denitely true in the
case of Movie 43. All in all, it is a
movie that you should have denitely
seen in theaters, but it is better to see
it now than not at all.

COURTESY RELATIVITY MEDIA

Utensils:
Saucepan
Cooking Tray
Blender
Other implements required for
cooking favorite meals

INTRODUCES

Directions:
1. Prepare each meal individually, closely following the directions
for each.
2. Place your favorite fruit and favorite vegetable on a cooking tray.
Put it in the oven at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for fteen minutes or
until the fruit, or vege begins to discolor or burn.
3. Remove it from the oven and place it to the side to cool.
4. Put your favorite candy in a saucepan and melt it with medium
heat. As for the hard candies, add cup of water to dissolve them.
5. Place your favorite savory meal and your favorite dessert in a
blender and blend well.
6. Add your favorite drink until the concoction has a smooth texture.
7. Add the fruit and vegetables that you previously cooked. Once
again, blend until smooth, adding more of your favorite drink, as
needed.
8. Add the melted candy mixture and blend, again adding more of
your favorite drink until you get a nice smooth texture.
9. Drink and enjoy all of your favorite foods!

Hear stories from students like you who are transferring

their credits to CSM and saving thousands on their
education at www.rrcc.edu/Stories

w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t