All The Cool Kids Do Theatre

College Edition
All Plays By Dan Sherrier

© 2009 Daniel R. Sherrier

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

Preface
Welcome to All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition. In here, you‘ll find one full-length script, one medium-length, two shorter one-acts, and one really short piece. If you‘d like to purchase performance rights for these shows, please fill out a form at the end of the book and mail with check to: Dan Sherrier P.O. Box 1346 Ashland, VA 23005-1346 Please make all checks payable to Daniel Sherrier. Prices are listed on the following page. (Please note: The last show in this book, ―Blaming Beckett,‖ is not intended for performance and is just included as an extra for fun.) The shows are intended for college productions, but any sort of theatre group is certainly welcome to purchase performance rights. I won‘t object. I always encourage feedback on scripts. I understand that no play can ever be perfect, and there will always be room for improvement. One of the advantages of distributing these scripts digitally, rather than in print, is that it will be easier to create updated, improved, or alternate versions of each one. So, I welcome any and all comments to feedback@allthecoolkidsdotheatre.com. If any directors have questions regarding any script, I will try to make myself available at Dan@allthecoolkidsdotheatre.com. And be sure to visit allthecoolkidsdotheatre.com for any news on future editions and compilations. Now, please read, and have fun.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

Prices: Super! – (4F/6M) Originally performed as a staged reading at The College of William & Mary in 2004. First professional production was at the Gorilla Tango Theatre in Chicago, produced by Team Venture Productions in 2008. Approx. 90 minutes. $55/performance. ―Why Shouldn‘t the Chicken Cross the Road?‖ – (2F/4M) Originally performed at The College of William & Mary. Approx. 15 minutes. $25/performance. ―Sweet Dreams‖ – (2F/2M) Approx. 10 minutes. NEW! First producer gets up to five performances free. Subsequent producers, $20/performance. ―Meet My Mind‖ – (1F/1M, plus large ensemble) Approx. 30 minutes. NEW! First producer gets up to five performances free. Subsequent producers, $30/performance.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

TABLE OF CONTENTS:
Super!..........................................5 “Why Shouldn’t the Chicken Cross the Road?”....93 “Sweet Dreams”................................109 “Meet My Mind”................................120 “Blaming Beckett”.............................151

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

Super!

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Characters: Alyssa, about 25 Miranda, about 24 Brad, about 27 Kent, about 25 Lewis, male mid-30's Dane, mid-30's cab driver / alien male radio announcer / teen patient/ mugger female radio announcer / Maggie secretary / young woman

Dan Sherrier

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition ACT 1 Scene 1

Dan Sherrier

(NOTE: All ―v.o.‖ ‗s are pre-recorded voice-overs that present what that character is thinking at that moment, and the only characters who can hear them are Alyssa and whoever is speaking the ―v.o.‖ All ―asides‖ indicate the same, but are spoken by the actor or actress. To make this clear, during each aside, the actor should turn sharply to address the audience directly. Directors may switch out ―v.o.‖‘s and ―asides‖ if it suits their staging better.) (Only a very narrow section of the stage is lit up, just enough to show Alyssa seated in a cab, driven by the cab driver. They both are looking ahead at some spectacle. The traffic is clearly not moving.) ALYSSA: First day in town, and already I come across a giant robot bent on destroying the city. How long do these things usually take? CAB DRIVER: Depends. The robots generally go down pretty quickly. Don‘t know why the bad guys even bother with them. The Terrific Trio always beats them in the end. You know, I met them once. Nice people. Saved my life, even. I was driving my cab here and all of a sudden--Bam! This huge guy, one of those super-villains, lifts my car right into the air, with me in it. And then he goes and throws me at AmazingMan, but he catches me with that power of his...You know, where he can move things through the air just by thinking about it? Teleke-whatsis or something. He catches me and sets me right back down, and then FantasticMan--This was great––he creates this big burst of light and blinds the guy, so UltraWoman can swoop down and punch him square in the face. Took that huge guy out with one good punch. Never saw her coming. Wish I had my camera with me...Helluva show there... (Alyssa and the cab driver look forward, as if watching the Terrific Trio battle the robot. The cab driver enjoys it. Alyssa is fairly indifferent.) ALYSSA: Those costumes...How do they show their faces in public dressed like that? Oh...They don‘t. Hence the masks. (reluctant) Have to admit, they do look kind of impressive...in a way... CAB DRIVER: Aren‘t they great? How can you not love those guys? ALYSSA: Flying might be cool. Maybe...

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

(The scene blacks out. The voice of a very cheery radio announcer is heard. Both announcers have very conversational tones, like typical radio DJs.) MALE ANNOUNCER: ...Once again, the Terrific Trio has saved the world! As always, Dr. Death‘s diabolical scheme of world domination was no match for our heroes. However, though his scheme was thwarted, Dr. Death does remain at large. But let‘s face it, that‘s cause for little concern, because we know that no matter what danger threatens, the Terrific Trio will always be there to save the day! This is WOLY Olympus City Radio, now giving you another twenty-minute music hour...

Scene 2 (Lights go up, showing Alyssa & Miranda‘s apartment. Alyssa, carrying a couple of suitcases, enters through the door. The apartment is extremely cluttered, as if a total slob lives there. It‘s an apartment of moderate size. Visible are a living room area, at least one bedroom, a closet door, and the door to another bedroom. There should be a window in the bedroom. Alyssa sets her bags down and takes a look around.) ALYSSA: Finally! Aaaand...where‘s Miranda? I‘m finally back from school for good, and this is the greeting I get? Oh, God, I‘m done. Forever done with school. I have to get a real life now. Oh, God. She‘s such a slob. If she thinks I‘m always going to straighten up after-(Miranda bursts through the door, making a grand entrance, speaking extremely fast and with considerable animation.) MIRANDA: Alyssa! I am so sorry! There was this audition I found out about at the last minute, and I had to go, even though I wound up completely bombing it because I was so unprepared, but it was such a good script I had to give it a chance-ALYSSA: It‘s okay. I just got here. MIRANDA: Oh, good! Well then welcome to the greatest apartment ever! It‘s going to be so great having you around again! We‘re going to have so much fun! You‘re going to love living in the city! ALYSSA: I hope so. MIRANDA: I love it here. It‘s soooooooooooooo great. Don‘t you just love it so far? 8

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: It‘s okay. There was a lot of traffic. MIRANDA: Yes! There was! And that‘s why it took me so long to get here! You see, there was this huge killer robot that must have been a hundred feet tall, and the Terrific Trio had to-ALYSSA: I don‘t get it. MIRANDA: Don‘t get what? ALYSSA: Those super-hero-people. Everyone all over the world thinks they‘re all the most perfect people ever. No one ever says a bad thing about them. MIRANDA: They have saved the world, like, a whole lot. ALYSSA: Yeah...I don‘t know...There‘s just something about them. I mean, the leader guy... MIRANDA: FantasticMan? ALYSSA: Him. I hear he has some power that allows him to change his entire body into light. Like, you know, sunlight or something? Do you get that? He becomes light. That means half the time, the guy isn‘t even a guy. He can‘t be a guy because he‘s a ball of light and therefore has no balls of his own unless he has little photon balls, which wouldn‘t surprise me. Think about it, Miranda. One of the great heroes of the world doesn‘t even have a shape sometimes. And so what really is he when he‘s light? There‘s no body, no head, no balls, nothing. Just something that‘s not the person everyone thinks it is. I don‘t know...I just find it creepy. MIRANDA: Sweetie, I see a problem here. That college got you into the habit of thinking too much. But we can fix that. Ooh! Idea! We‘re going out tonight. I‘ll take you to this new club--You‘ll love it. We‘ll go out, drink, dance...It‘ll be just like old times. Just like in high school. It‘ll be so much fun. (Miranda heads off to her bedroom. Alyssa stands around, looking around. She seems as if she doesn‘t know what to do with herself.) 9

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: (aside) It might be. (Lights go down. The female announcer‘s voice is heard.) FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Looks like things don‘t stay quiet for long around here. Noted super-villain Dr. Death has struck again. The arch-nemesis of the Terrific Trio was recently spotted at the Olympus Chemical Factory, undoubtedly gathering materials for his next sinister scheme. What this scheme may be remains a mystery, as the criminal mastermind eluded authorities with little difficulty. At Terrific Trio headquarters, FantasticMan was available for comment. He told reporters, ―I‘m sure the police did everything in their power to apprehend him, and no one is to blame for his escape. That Death sure is a tricky customer. I‘ll be sure to rally the team at once, and we won‘t rest until Dr. Death is behind bars, where he belongs!‖

Scene 3 (A narrow pool of light shines on the stage, just enough to show Alyssa and Miranda dressed for a night out and standing near the bar. They both hold cups, but Alyssa is not drinking much. Miranda is rambling on and on about something or another while Alyssa seems distant until she starts talking. Miranda is unheard until after Alyssa‘s aside. Loud music and noise is heard around them.) ALYSSA: (aside) It‘s very loud here. Oh, God–I just said a club was loud. I‘m getting old. I‘m only 25. Damn. I used to live for this. MIRANDA: Oh, remember Homecoming senior year? We had those horrible dates! They were like cavemen or something! It‘s a miracle we survived that night. ALYSSA: At least my date didn‘t try to resuscitate his chicken dinner. MIRANDA: At least mine knew how to take a shower. ALYSSA: Well at least I didn‘t meet my date while I was stealing a shirt from the mall.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

MIRANDA: He really came through for me there. I would have gotten arrested if not for that man. And then I would have had no Homecoming at all. How much would that have sucked? ALYSSA: That kleptomania really came through for you. MIRANDA: It did! ALYSSA: I remember when like half your wardrobe was full of stolen clothes. Oh, and then that time your mother looked in your closet and wondered where it all came from, and I had to lie and tell her they were mine. You were so bad. MIRANDA: Hey, I wasn‘t the one having sex up on the auditorium‘s catwalk. ALYSSA: You were that one time. MIRANDA: Oh, you‘re right. Forgot about that... ALYSSA: (taking a small drink) This feels just like high school. (Realizes that‘s not necessarily a good thing) So what‘s been going on lately? MIRANDA: Oh, um...Not much...Just lots of auditions...work...That‘s about it... (Alyssa gives Miranda a slightly confused, concerned look, as if she suspects something‘s off with Miranda.) ALYSSA: What‘s wrong, hon? MIRANDA: What? ALYSSA: Something‘s bothering you. I know it.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition MIRANDA: Nah...I‘m fine. Hey, remember wh-ALYSSA: Is it the audition? MIRANDA: No, of course it‘s not that. ALYSSA: Ah! Not that! That means it‘s something! MIRANDA: No... ALYSSA: A guy, right? MIRANDA: A guy? Why do you immediately assume it‘s a-ALYSSA: It is! MIRANDA: No! ALYSSA: Yes! (They‘re both silent. Alyssa smirks, knowing she‘s right.) MIRANDA: It‘s complicated. This probably isn‘t the best place to discuss this...

Dan Sherrier

(Miranda looks especially uncomfortable for a second, then looks out to the ―crowd‖ in front of them) MIRANDA: Ooh, I think I just saw somebody... ALYSSA: You‘re not getting out of this that easily.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition (Miranda runs out of the light and into the crowd.) MIRANDA: We‘ll talk later! ALYSSA: Well can you at least introduce me to your--

Dan Sherrier

(Miranda exits, leaving Alyssa all alone by the bar. She feels uncomfortable being alone. She looks around, trying to find where Miranda went off to.) ALYSSA: And I‘ve lost her. Where is she? Maybe over--Nope. Um...Hm. That‘s obnoxious... (Brad appears at the edge of the light, barely visible to the audience.) BRAD: Alyssa? (Alyssa acquires a look of horror. Brad steps into the light and acts very friendly and a bit drunk. He has a very untidy look about him. Alyssa appears even more uncomfortable.) BRAD: I was right! Thought that was you! ALYSSA: Brad. Hi. BRAD: Didn‘t realize you were in town. ALYSSA: I just got here. BRAD: So c‘mon, what brings you back so close to home? What big plans does the amaaaaazing Alyssa have? ALYSSA: I found a job here. (Brad gets really close to her. Alyssa steps back, absolutely hating this entire conversation.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition BRAD: And that job would be...? ALYSSA: (slightly embarrassed) I‘m a dental hygienist. BRAD: (laughs) Tooth doctor, huh? Wanna take a look at my mouth? ALYSSA: Brad, no... (Brad gets offended.) BRAD: Still not good enough for you, huh? ALYSSA: (as much to herself as to him) I remember our first date. Just a movie. Never were creative.

Dan Sherrier

BRAD: I guess I‘m just not. Not good enough for the high and mighty Alyssa Henson. You b-bitch! (Alyssa starts to get a little mad.) ALYSSA: Excuse me? BRAD: You gave me two, two whole wonderful years, and then you‘re too good for me. Miss Dental Hyg...Hygienist... ALYSSA: I‘m not going to deal with this now. BRAD: You‘re so beautiful. (Alyssa and Brad stare at each other for a second.) ALYSSA: You‘re not. Look at you. You‘ve let yourself go to hell.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition BRAD: Life without you, babe. (Brad puts an arm around her. She slowly pulls his arm off.) ALYSSA: Brad, it‘s done. It can‘t happen again.

Dan Sherrier

(Brad looks at her and appears almost menacing. After a second, he backs down and just walks away, leaving Alyssa alone again.) ALYSSA: I need some air... (Lights go down, and the voice of the female announcer is heard again.) FEMALE ANNOUNCER: We‘ll be taking some calls now, seeing what some of you think about tonight‘s events. First we have Amy from the West End. Hi, Amy, what do you think Dr. Death is up to this time?

Scene 4 (A spotlight follows Alyssa, as she walks across the stage. There doesn‘t need to be any scenery; she‘s just walking down a normal city street in the middle of the night.) ALYSSA: Brad looked like he‘s slowly killing himself, wasting away...And no one probably cares...Almost no one... (A mugger appears at the edge of the spotlight, holding a gun at her. Alyssa stops, frozen with fear.) MUGGER: Come with me. (Kent, dressed in his AmazingMan costume, stands just outside the spotlight, behind Alyssa. His face, even masked as it is, should not be visible to the audience at all; only the costume should be visible. He makes his voice sound deeper and more authoritative, like a standard super-hero.) KENT: Well...Looks like we‘ve got a little problem here. (The mugger sees him, and is even more scared of Kent than Alyssa is of the mugger.) 15

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

MUGGER: AmazingMan! (The mugger readies his gun to shoot at Kent, who merely waves his arm. As he does so, the mugger‘s arm involuntarily swings to the side, causing him to throw his gun to the ground. The gun should slide well out of the spotlight, and in the direction opposite of Kent. Meanwhile, Alyssa is ducking her head, bracing herself for anything. The mugger is paralyzed with fear of Kent.) KENT: Dropped your gun, have you? Let me help you out there... (Kent‘s hand enters the spotlight, holding the mugger‘s gun by the edge.) KENT: Here we go...I believe this is yours... (The mugger runs away. Kent addresses Alyssa, who looks like she‘s in shock.) KENT: Are you all right, Miss? ALYSSA: Um...Yeah. I think so. Uh, thanks. KENT: My pleasure. I‘m just glad I happened to be in the area. Now if you‘ll excuse me, I have a mugger to go grab. Don‘t want him getting at any more pretty young women. ALYSSA: Uh, sure. (Kent disappears altogether, leaving Alyssa alone, trying to process everything.) ALYSSA: Damn... (The spotlight goes down. The female announcer is heard again.) FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Busy night for the Terrific Trio. Apparently, Dr. Death led FantasticMan on one wild goose chase after another, and eventually escaped our heroes. Never before has the evil doctor given the team such difficulty. Is something wrong with the Terrifics, or are we simply facing a new 16

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition and improved Dr. Death? Let‘s take some more calls.

Dan Sherrier

Scene 5 (The lights go up just a little, showing Alyssa & Miranda‘s apartment in the middle of the night. Alyssa is lying in her bed, but is wide awake.) ALYSSA: Saved by a damn super-hero. Wonder if that gets him off, rescuing girls like that. Probably does. (pause) Small room here. It‘s not comfortable. Just gotta get used to it... (A tapping sound is heard from the window. Alyssa notices it and looks annoyed. She tries to ignore it, but the tapping persists. Alyssa gets out of bed and goes toward the window. She opens the window, only to find Kent, as AmazingMan, perched on the ledge. Once again, as it‘s dark, his face is very obscure. He‘s trying to be charming. Alyssa is shocked and kind of disturbed to find him there. They both speak in courteously soft tones.) KENT: Care to go for a pleasant, evening flight? (Alyssa stares at him for a second, dumbfounded. Kent‘s confidence gradually deflates.) KENT: I was just thinking, it‘s a nice night, and-ALYSSA: What is this? You fly to my window at--what time is it--four--four in the morning to ask me out flying? How do you know where I live? KENT: Well...You see... ALYSSA: Are you stalking me? KENT: Alyssa, I would never stalk anyone... ALYSSA: You‘re stalking me. How do you know my name? You‘re so stalking me. KENT: It‘s just that you seemed like such a great girl, and-17

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: We met for all of two seconds. While I was being mugged! KENT: I‘m very sorry about-ALYSSA: I can‘t believe the nerve of you. You think just because you‘re Mr. Super-Hero you can get any girl you want? What did you expect? To knock on my window and I‘d just leap into your arms because it‘s always been my secret fantasy to make out with a man who wears a mask? Please. Grow up. But before you do that, get the hell away from my bedroom, and don‘t you ever come back here unless some giant lizard or something is attacking me. Are we clear? KENT: Um...Okay. I‘m sorry. I, uh, won‘t bother you again. ALYSSA: Damn straight. (Kent slips away, and Alyssa closes and locks the window and drops back into bed.) ALYSSA: Ok. That was surreal… (Lights go down. The male announcer is heard.) MALE ANNOUNCER: Happy Monday, Olympus City! I know you‘re all thrilled to be getting back to work. But if you can get away for a minute, you‘re going to want to get down to Terrific Trio headquarters a little later on. UltraWoman will be outside all day, signing autographs for only twenty dollars each, all proceeds going to various local charities. Later this afternoon, the World‘s Mightiest Woman will be giving a speech that I know all Trio fanatics are going to want to hear. No word yet on what exactly she will be discussing, but does it matter? I mean, come on...When has UltraWoman ever failed to give an entertaining speech?

Scene 6 (The scene changes to a typical dentist‘s office. The set should consist of a lobby area, an examination room, and Dane‘s office. The lights should only be lit up on whatever room Alyssa is in, so now, the lights go up in the examination room, as Alyssa finishes up cleaning the teeth of Lewis.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: (aside) This is exciting. Now why did I decide to become a hygienist? This man‘s mouth is disgusting. Eeeewww...What is that? ALYSSA: (trying to be pleasant) Alright, we‘re just about done here. Let me go get Dr. Reynolds for you. I‘ll be back in a minute. (Alyssa exits the examination room. Lights go down there, and they come up in Dane‘s office. Dane is sitting at his desk, on the phone, looking like he‘s hating every second of his conversation.) ALYSSA: (to herself) Never seen plaque like that before... (Alyssa enters the office. Dane holds up a finger to indicate ―one second.‖ Alyssa stands around, waiting patiently.) DANE: (to phone) Uh-huh. Yes.......Right....Of course... (Dane shapes his hand into a gun and pretends to shoot himself.) DANE: (to phone) I already told you, I can‘t go to Jimmy‘s game tonight......I did tell you....I know I told you...I‘m going to dinner with an old friend...Ernest....An old friend from school, wanted to get together. We set this up weeks ago. I‘ll go to next week‘s game, promise. Look, a patient‘s waiting. I need to go. No, I need to go. I have a job to do. Right. By--I promise! Bye! (Dane hangs up, looking both relieved and still a bit frustrated.) DANE: Damn. If I hadn‘t divorced that bitch by now... ALYSSA: Um, a patient‘s waiting for you. (Dane gets up from his desk and searches for a folder in a pile.) DANE: (dry, sarcastic) Oh, is that why you‘re standing around my office? Never would have guessed that one. ALYSSA: Well, excuse me...(soft)...Dr. Asshole. 19

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

DANE: We‘re on who? Lewis? ALYSSA: Yes, sir. DANE: That‘s the idiot who never learned how to use a toothbrush, right? ALYSSA: Sounds about right. DANE: I hate people like that. Too lazy to clean their own goddamn teeth. Expect me to do it for them. They think twice a year is enough. Pisses me off. (finds folder) Okay, let‘s get on with this... (Alyssa and Dane exit the office. Lights go down there and go back up in the examination room, where Lewis is seated patiently. They enter. Dane is suddenly very friendly.) DANE: Mr. Lewis! Good to see you! How have things been going? LEWIS: Going okay, Doctor. DANE: Excellent! Okay, let‘s have a look at those teeth. Bite for me, please... (Dane inspects Lewis‘s mouth and later looks at x-rays, while Alyssa stands around, lost in thought, looking bored. Dane finishes up with Lewis, who gets out of the chair.) DANE: There we go! All set. Now don‘t forget to really make an effort to reach in and get those back teeth. You might want to, while you‘re watching TV or whatever, just take a wet toothbrush-don‘t even need toothpaste--and brush around for about five minutes. That‘ll really help knock off that excess plaque. LEWIS: I‘ll keep that in mind, Doctor. DANE: Good to hear! Now just step down to the lobby, and my secretary will set you up with your next appointment. 20

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

LEWIS: Okay. You have a good day, Dr. Reynolds. DANE: You, too! Take care! Buh-bye! (Lewis exits, and Dane suddenly reverts to his usual, lifeless and cynical self.) DANE: He‘s not going to do it. He doesn‘t care about his teeth. I don‘t know why I even bother. Wasted breath, that‘s all it was...(looks at watch) Damn, I have an appointment. Try not to screw things up while I'm gone... (Dane exits. Alyssa cleans off her dental instruments.) ALYSSA: He must be an acquired taste...Hmm...(looks at clipboard)...Who‘s my next victim? (Alyssa‘s eyes grow wide, as she‘s thrilled to see a certain name on the sheet. Lights go down in the examination room as she quickly exits, and they go up in the lobby. Kent is seated, skimming through a magazine. The secretary is talking to Lewis in the background. Alyssa enters, happy to see Kent.) ALYSSA: Kent Shield...! (Kent recognizes the voice immediately and is a bit startled. He wasn‘t expecting to see her so soon after embarrassing himself as AmazingMan. He gets up from his seat and tries to act happy to see her. He is happy for the most part, just uncomfortable. Alyssa smiles at him, glad to see a friendly face. She hugs him briefly.) KENT: Uh, Alyssa...Hi...Um... ALYSSA: I haven‘t seen you in like years! When was the last time we talked? It‘s been forever. How have you been? It‘s so good to see you... KENT: You, uh, work here? ALYSSA: Yep. I get to clean your teeth. 21

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Dan Sherrier

KENT: Oh. That‘s, um...That‘s...weird... ALYSSA: Yeah, I guess it is. But oh, well. Come on... (Kent and Alyssa leave the lobby, as lights go down there and go up in the examination room, as the two enter.) ALYSSA: Have a seat. (Kent gets in the chair as Alyssa prepares the dental instruments.) KENT: I had no idea you were in the city. ALYSSA: And that is a problem. We do not talk nearly enough these days. KENT: Well, things have been kind of crazy lately. ALYSSA: I know! For me, too! Last year was insane. Thank God that‘s over... (Alyssa starts cleaning Kent‘s teeth.) ALYSSA: So just what are you up to these days? KENT: Uhhh...Uhhrrrr... ALYSSA: (very embarrassed) And of course you can‘t answer when I‘m sticking my fingers in your mouth. I can‘t believe I just did that. I promised myself I would never do that, but there I go, first day on the job, asking you questions while I‘m poking around your mouth. How very bright of me. KENT: It‘s okay. It wouldn‘t be a trip to the dentist‘s if I didn‘t have to try to carry on a conversation with my mouth full.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition ALYSSA: Well I would hate to deprive you of any of the joys of dentistry. KENT: Of course.

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: You know, we should get together sometime, for like lunch or something, catch up and all of that...You know, when I‘m not all over your mouth. KENT: Um, sounds good. That would, uh, that would be great. (Alyssa resumes cleaning Kent‘s teeth.) ALYSSA: (aside) Fabulous. About time I found a friendly face around here... (Lights go down, and the voice of the female announcer is heard.) FEMALE ANNOUNCER: ...At long last, Friday night is here, and boy, is it welcome, especially after yesterday‘s gorilla invasion. Fortunately, FantasticMan confirmed to the press just moments ago that the last remaining primates have been subdued and sent back to their native kingdom, which is supposedly located somewhere in Antarctica. FantasticMan added that he and his teammates issued the gorillas a stern warning, ensuring that they will never again threaten American shores...

Scene 7 (Lights go up, showing Alyssa and Miranda‘s apartment. Miranda is sitting on the couch, watching television. She‘s dressed to stay in for the night and looks very tired. Alyssa emerges from her bedroom, dressed nicely and conservatively. She walks around the apartment, straightening things up. She‘s surprised to see Miranda there.) ALYSSA: Wow. You‘re actually home. When did you get in? MIRANDA: Just a few minutes ago, and Lord, am I exhausted. You would not believe the week I had. The store was like a zoo. Normally it‘s the most peaceful place, but lately I‘ve been having to deal with the craziest customers. These are not normal customers. You know what they really are? They‘re animals. Animals, I tell you! 23

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Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa attempts to shove clothing and other material into a closet that refuses to close.) MIRANDA: All I‘ve been dealing with are animals left and right. I could kill them. Really, I could. But I can‘t because then I‘d have no one to buy crappy clothing from me. And that wouldn‘t do anyone any good. But there was this one guy I could‘ve just strangled. He wanted a refund on this shirt he bought like three months ago, so I tell him the return policy is two weeks, with a receipt if he wants his full money back. ALYSSA: Do you mind giving me a hand here? I‘ve got someone coming over in a few minutes. MIRANDA: Sure. (Miranda gets up and lazily straightens out a few things, leaving Alyssa with the bulk of the work. She finally manages to get the closet closed and then starts removing garbage from off the floor.) MIRANDA: So he asks to see it in writing. I show him the sign, right under the cash register, that says, ―All returns and exchanges require a receipt dated within two weeks.‖ Which, of course, he had no receipt anyway, and the style of shirt had long since been clearanced out. I tell him I can give him the clearance price for it, which is obviously much lower than he paid for it. So he throws a fit, says that that sign I showed him didn‘t say anything about him having to get the clearance price for the item. And he argues with me for like ten minutes about how misleading the sign is! I tried to explain the definition of ―required‖ to him, but I don‘t think it ever sunk in. (Alyssa notices how dressed-down Miranda is.) ALYSSA: Miranda? MIRANDA: Yeah? ALYSSA: You do have plans for the night, don‘t you? MIRANDA: After the week I had, I just want to lounge around and watch old movies. I haven‘t had a break in ages. Do you want to watch some movies? I‘ve got this really great one about this woman who--Well, actually it kind of reminds me of that time in high school when you were trying to 24

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

fix me up with that guy--Oh, and the lead actress looks exactly like Sue. Remember Sue? I haven‘t seen her in ages. But really, it‘s a great movie. We should watch it. ALYSSA: I‘m sorry, Miranda. I‘ve got plans. But some other time, definitely. MIRANDA: Alright, sure. (While walking back into her room, Alyssa observes Miranda and tries to figure her out. Once Alyssa‘s in her room, where she continues to get ready, the doorbell rings. Miranda opens the door, and Kent is there. She‘s surprised to see him, and not really thrilled. Kent clearly has some underlying bitterness.) MIRANDA: Kent...Hi... KENT: I...didn‘t know you were back in the city. MIRANDA: You didn‘t--? Oh, you‘re not here for me? KENT: No, I‘m here to take Alyssa out. MIRANDA: Oh, um... (turning around and calling out) Alyssa! Kent‘s here! ALYSSA: I‘ll be there in a minute! (Awkward moment.) MIRANDA: Uh, come on in. (Kent enters, with some caution.) KENT: Thanks. (Kent and Miranda stand around awkwardly. There‘s an uncomfortable moment of silence, and not much eye contact.) 25

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

KENT: So...How have you been? MIRANDA: Doing okay. (pause) You? KENT: Keeping busy. (Pause. Meanwhile, Alyssa is finishing getting her shoes on.) MIRANDA: So what do you want with Alyssa? KENT: We‘re just hanging out. MIRANDA: Hanging out. I see. KENT: Right. ALYSSA: Purse...purse... (Pause. Alyssa is having difficulty locating her purse. Kent tries to be friendly.) KENT: So what‘ve you been up to? Um, are you seeing anyone these days, or--? MIRANDA: Don‘t even try. KENT: That‘s not what I was asking. MIRANDA: Sure. KENT: I was simply expressing an interest in how--

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition MIRANDA: Uh-huh. KENT: I‘ve been over you for years now. MIRANDA: Right. (Alyssa finds the purse.) KENT: I was over you before gradu--

Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa emerges from her room and goes to greet Kent. He livens up a bit. Alyssa notices the tension.) ALYSSA: Hey, Kent! KENT: Hello, Alyssa. Good to see you again. (They hug. Miranda looks confused.) ALYSSA: (to Miranda) We‘re going out to dinner. Did you want to come along? MIRANDA: Um, no. Like I said...I just want to take it easy tonight. You two have a good time, though. ALYSSA: Okay. Enjoy the peace and quiet. MIRANDA: Sure. Bye. (Kent and Alyssa exit. Lights go down. The voice of the female announcer is heard.) FEMALE ANNOUNCER: ...strange reports of several unidentified flying objects floating around the city. Details remain sketchy, but rumor has it that FantasticMan has begun to investigate. Just for fun, the station is conducting a poll to see what all of you listeners out there think of this new development. All you have to do is call 555-WOLY, and the fifth, tenth, and twentieth callers will each receive 27

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition four free tickets to next week‘s Olympians‘ game...

Dan Sherrier

Scene 8 (Alyssa and Kent are seated at a table, eating dinner at some nondescript restaurant. There are a couple of other tables around. They seem to be enjoying each other‘s company.) KENT: ...I had to wear it one day. He forced me to. And I figured he was nice enough to buy me the shirt for my birthday, one day couldn‘t hurt. ALYSSA: You wore it? When did you wear it? I never saw you wear a shirt like that. KENT: It was towards the end of the year. When we were done with all the theatre stuff. We didn‘t really see each other too much at that point. ALYSSA: No, not really. KENT: Anyway, I walk into school one morning wearing that shirt... ALYSSA: You actually went to school wearing a shirt that said... KENT: It said, uh, ―I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?‖ ALYSSA: That‘s hysterical. KENT: Oh, but it gets better. That was the day we had that assembly. I forget what it was about, but it was that one where they had all us seniors seated in the middle of the gym. ALYSSA: I vaguely remember that... KENT: It was the one where they had some kind of slideshow.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition ALYSSA: Actually, I think I may have skipped that day... KENT: Well, as shocking as it may seem, we had an utterly pointless assembly.

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: You mean our school actually had an assembly that would not have changed the course of my entire life? Incredible. KENT: I know. I was severely disillusioned. ALYSSA: So you were saying about the shirt...? KENT: Oh, yeah. I was sitting in the middle of the gym, wearing that awful shirt, surrounded by a bunch of other seniors, and the underclassmen kids were up in the bleachers all around us. Then we‘re told we‘re going to be shown a slide show. So I‘m thinking, ―Great. They‘ll have to dim the lights. No one will see my stupid pick-up line T-shirt. Excellent.‖ So they dim the lights. I look down. The shirt was glowing in the dark. ALYSSA: (laughs) That‘s great. KENT: No, it really wasn‘t... ALYSSA: Well, it‘s not like anyone but you remembers, what, seven years later? (As Alyssa is speaking, police sirens are heard outside. Kent‘s ears perk up, while Alyssa hardly notices. She does notice Kent‘s shift in attention.) ALYSSA: Something wrong? KENT: Oh, I just, uh…You hear those police sirens? I was just, um, curious what‘s going on out there. Always something around here.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: Whatever it is, I‘m sure those Terrific folks‘ll swoop in and save the day. Unless of course that pervert AmazingMan is too busy playing AmazingStalker. (More sirens are heard.) KENT: AmazingMan? You know, I met him once, and he didn‘t strike me as...Did you say AmazingStalker? (Louder sirens.) ALYSSA: (utterly sarcastic) It seems he wants me to be his AmazingGirlfriend. Ew. Can you picture that? ―AmazingMan‘s Girlfriend, Alyssa Henson?‖ And then maybe I can give birth to his Amazing-babies and wash his Amazing-tights and cook him his Amazing-meals. Shoot me. (The sirens persist. Kent suddenly appears queasy. He stands up.) KENT: Ugh...Excuse me...I don‘t think they fully cooked the chicken... ALYSSA: Those bastards. KENT: Yeah. It‘s–I‘ll be right back... (Kent briskly walks away, and Alyssa realizes...) ALYSSA: Kent, the restroom‘s that... (She points in the direction opposite Kent, but she gets distracted mid-sentence, as she sees Brad enter with a slutty young woman. They‘re extremely flirtatious and physical.) ALYSSA: ...way... (Brad should be seated facing away from Alyssa‘s table. Brad does not see Alyssa, but she notices him and promptly hides her face. She peeks.) ALYSSA: (to herself) Look at that whore...Probably is a whore... 30

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa watches Brad trying to act charming and nice. The young woman seems to be really interested.) ALYSSA: (to herself) Yeah, seems like a nice guy at first, doesn‘t he? Just you wait, kid...God, why did Miranda have to introduce me to him? (Alyssa tries to focus, but continues to watch with one eye. Meanwhile, the sirens outside are replaced with the sounds of some mild violence, followed by some cheering, which Alyssa hears.) ALYSSA: (aside) And there we go. Don‘t know what Kent was so worried about. I hope he‘s not sick... (Kent returns to the table. Alyssa removes the menu and starts ignoring Brad.) ALYSSA: You okay? KENT: Yeah, I‘m actually feeling much better. I guess I just needed to walk around a bit. So, um, what were you saying about AmazingMan? He likes you? ALYSSA: Don‘t get me started on him. I mean, he saved my life and then asked me out. What selfrespecting woman would go out with a guy who won‘t even show his face? Am I supposed to go, ―Oooh, look at that sexy jaw!‖ And the cape? What is he, five? (amusing thought) Could you imagine the two of us on a date? There I am, all dressed up, looking nice, and there he is, wearing his mask and cape? That would be funny. KENT: Uh, you seem to have gotten started on him. ALYSSA: Then I‘m stopping. Screw him. Pretentious prick. (pause) So, um, I noticed a little bit of--how should I put this--weirdness between you and Miranda earlier. KENT: Weirdness? ALYSSA: There was tension.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition KENT: I just...To be honest, I just don‘t really like her all that much. ALYSSA: Since when? You had such a crush on her in high school.

Dan Sherrier

KENT: Yeah. In high school, when I was a complete fool. I didn‘t realize how witchy she really could be. ALYSSA: (amused) ―Witchy?‖ Only you would call someone witchy. KENT: I have to be careful with my language. Don‘t want to accidentally say a dirty word while I‘m student-teaching one of my classes and have all heck break loose. (Alyssa smiles.) ALYSSA: You crack me up. KENT: I try. (Lewis, now a waiter, walks by the table and notices Alyssa.) LEWIS: I thought I recognized you. You work at Dr. Reynolds‘ office, don‘t you? ALYSSA: (not proud) Oh, yeah. I do. LEWIS: That‘s right. You were cleaning my teeth just the other day. ALYSSA: Yeah, yeah, I probably was. (Lewis notices Kent.) LEWIS: This your boyfriend?

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition KENT: We‘re just having dinner. LEWIS: Okay, sounds good. Well you two have fun. ALYSSA: Sure, thanks.

Dan Sherrier

(Lewis walks over to the edge of the stage and looks through a notepad of orders while occasionally checking Alyssa out. Alyssa is a little weirded-out by him.) KENT: Well aren‘t you the celebrity. ALYSSA: Oh, shut up. KENT: (gentle teasing) Everyone‘s favorite oral hygienist. ALYSSA: Kent. KENT: Teeth-cleaner extraordinaire. ALYSSA: Kent. KENT: That‘s what you get for abandoning the theatre route. ALYSSA: Yeah, I could‘ve done that and been unemployed. Would‘ve been loads of fun there. KENT: Right, not nearly as exciting as fluoride treatments. (Kent looks at Lewis, bothered.) KENT: That guy looks familiar.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition ALYSSA: Maybe he was at the office the same day you were. You probably saw him there. (Lewis exits.) KENT: That might be it. (pause) Think he has a crush on you. ALYSSA: Oh, please no… KENT: He might be a nice guy. You never know. ALYSSA: Given the type of guys I tend to attract, that‘s not likely. KENT: That doesn‘t sound too good.

Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa glances over at Brad for a moment and then immediately goes back to Kent. As Alyssa speaks, Brad and the young woman begin shamelessly making out.) ALYSSA: It‘s the same story over and over. I‘ll meet a guy. He‘ll be absolutely wonderful until he has me. And he will get me because I never learn. And then he‘ll revert to his true self. And he‘ll cheat on me, or...or... (Brad and the young woman leave for a more private place.) ALYSSA: You know what it‘s like...It‘s like the opposite of a fairy tale. I don‘t kiss a frog and he turns into a prince. No. I kiss a prince and he turns into a frog. Every time. I fall for it every time. That‘s my life. A fairy tale in reverse. (pause) Well...I do a little more than kiss them... KENT: I got that. (pause) Um, if it‘ll help at all, I‘ll go out and beat those guys up for you... (Alyssa smiles. Lights go down. The voice of the female announcer is heard.) FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Apparently, the UFO‘s have remained stationary the entire evening. FantasticMan and UltraWoman returned from their scouting expedition, only to report that many of the floating discs are actually illusions being generated by an unknown source. We‘ll keep you posted as 34

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition updates come our way.

Dan Sherrier

Scene 9 (Lights go up in Alyssa‘s apartment. Alyssa enters.) ALYSSA: I needed that. So nice to just talk to someone... (Glances around the apartment quickly) ALYSSA: Miranda? Miranda? Are you here? (Alyssa slumps down on the couch and turns the TV on.) ALYSSA: Guess she decided to go out after all. That‘s good. Knew she couldn‘t spend an entire night in. Maybe she‘s not doing so bad after all. She‘s just changed a little, that‘s all. It happens. I‘m over-reacting... (An alien enters from any random location. Alyssa does not notice him/her. The sound of static is heard from the TV.) ALYSSA: What happened to the cable? Must be something to do with those damn flying saucers. What is it with this town? (The alien sneaks up behind Alyssa and places his/her hands on her head. She screams, and the lights go down. The sound of static is heard a moment longer. It then clears up, and the voice of Miranda is heard from the television.) MIRANDA: (v.o. from ―TV‖) ...Being the World‘s Mightiest Woman isn‘t easy. If I didn‘t maintain the winning combination of a healthy diet and regular exercise, then I don‘t know how I‘d be able to lift this steel tank over my head, much less save the world every now and then! So remember, kids, if you start eating your fruits and vegetables now, then maybe someday you can grow up to be big and strong...like me! Bye-bye for now!

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition ACT 2 Scene 1

Dan Sherrier

(Lights go up in Alyssa‘s apartment. Alyssa is lying on her couch in an uncomfortable position and is just now waking up. She looks extremely tired. Noise from the television is heard.) ALYSSA: Ow. (She turns the TV off, gets up and stretches.) ALYSSA: Did I fall asleep in front of the TV? How did I do that? Ow. Head hurts like hell...I know I didn‘t drink anything...Or did I? No, I was with Kent, and he doesn‘t drink ever... (Random voices are heard amidst a chorus of jumbled voices. Alyssa hears all of them and tries to figure out where they‘re coming from.) RANDOM VOICE1: (v.o.) ...Just want to go to bed... RANDOM VOICE2: (v.o.) ...Yes! Yes! Yes!... RANDOM VOICE3: (v.o.) Why don‘t I ever get any ass? RANDOM VOICE4: (v.o.) ...How does that song go...? (Alyssa is very concerned.) ALYSSA: Um...Who are they? (Feels head) Did I go crazy and not notice? RANDOM VOICE5: (v.o.) ...Swear I‘m gonna kill him... ALYSSA: This is getting freaky now... MIRANDA: (v.o.) ...Can‘t believe we lost him again! 36

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: Is that...? That‘s Miranda...In my head? Why is Miranda in my head? MIRANDA: (v.o.) We would‘ve had him if he hadn‘t teamed-up with those aliens! ALYSSA: Aliens? What? MIRANDA: (v.o.) Oh, crap! Alyssa‘s home! Can‘t fly in through the window! I knew a roommate was a bad idea... ALYSSA: Whaaaa...? RANDOM VOICE6: (v.o.) Where did I leave that Playboy? ALYSSA: Ew! Let‘s get back to Miranda... MIRANDA: (v.o.) There it is. Good thing I always keep a spare set of clothing up here. ALYSSA: Was she naked? MIRANDA: (v.o.) Heh. Wonder what Alyssa would think if she knew I was really UltraWoman? (Alyssa stands in stunned silence for a second.) ALYSSA: No, she‘s not UltraWoman. I don‘t know what I‘m hearing, but it couldn‘t have been her. I‘m going crazy. That‘s it. I‘m making things up in my-RANDOM VOICE6: (v.o.) Ohhhh, yeah...That is nice! Ohhhhh... ALYSSA: Eww! That‘s not coming from me. What the hell is going on here? Are these people‘s thoughts? If they are...other people‘s thoughts...Then Miranda really is...She‘s UltraWoman. Or 37

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition she‘s delusional. Has to be delusional. Miranda is no-(Miranda enters through the door, dressed in sweats. Alyssa is very uncomfortable.) MIRANDA: Hey, you! How was your night? ALYSSA: Um, good.

Dan Sherrier

MIRANDA: (aside; awkward moment for both) Probably wonders where I was...Need a convenient excuse so she doesn‘t suspect my secret... MIRANDA: I thought I‘d go jogging for a little bit, get some fresh air. (Alyssa starts to get a little bitter.) ALYSSA: You never jogged before. You always hated exercising. MIRANDA: I just started recently. I find it really helps free my lungs up, so that when I audition... (Miranda appears to be rambling on and on. Alyssa tunes her out, so Miranda is not actually heard.) MIRANDA: (V.O.) She‘ll buy this... ALYSSA: (aside) Miranda‘s lying to me. I‘m reading her mind, and she‘s lying to me. All this time. How long have those three been around? Almost five years now? And she never mentioned...She doesn‘t trust me? She could break me half. UltraWoman is really freaking strong, and if she‘s her...Damn, Miranda‘s tough... MIRANDA: ...So yeah, jogging has really helped me out. Alright, I‘m going to jump in the shower for a second... (Alyssa watches Miranda, as she starts to head to the closet. Miranda grabs a towel from the closet. She seems to have difficulty closing the door due to the massive amounts of junk within but then gets it closed with one strong push.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition ALYSSA: Miranda? Is there anything you want to tell me? MIRANDA: No, not really anything to say. ALYSSA: Are you sure? MIRANDA: Positive. ALYSSA: So who‘s that guy that‘s been bothering you? Remember? Last weekend? MIRANDA: (aside) AmazingMan. Finally got him...It‘ll be grand...

Dan Sherrier

MIRANDA: Oh. That. Just a guy friend from work. We just had a little fling that ended kind of badly. It was right before you got here. He said some really mean things, but I‘m okay with it now. It‘s over, and he quit his job, so I won‘t be seeing him anymore. So there‘s really nothing to worry about. MIRANDA: (aside) Wow. I made that up on the spot. I‘m good at this secret identity thing. (Alyssa tries to keep her anger in check.) ALYSSA: I‘m sorry, Miranda. You know you can always talk to me...about anything anytime. MIRANDA: It was your first day back, so I didn‘t want to burden you with my little problems before you got settled in. Well, gotta get in the shower. ALYSSA: You do that. (Miranda exits into her room. Alyssa stands alone, seething.) ALYSSA: Kent was so right about you. Witchy woman...

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition (Lights go down. The voice of the male announcer is heard.)

Dan Sherrier

MALE ANNOUNCER: ...Ahhh...Another magical Monday morning. Hope your weekend was great and your workweek is even better. Yeah, like that‘s going to happen. I hear the Terrific Trio have already started their week. As we speak, the group is battling a giant squid just off the Olympus City Shore. It seems as though notorious super-villain Admiral Ocean is responsible for this calamity. I expect the Trio‘ll have things cleaned up before you‘re done with breakfast. After all, it‘s only Ocean. Not like they‘re fighting Dr. Death or General Galactica...

Scene 2 (Lights go up, showing Dane‘s dentist office. The lights are up in the examination room and in the lobby. Alyssa is cleaning the teeth of a patient, a teenage boy, and the secretary is in the lobby, doing some work.) TEEN PATIENT: (v.o.) She‘s hot. SECRETARY: (v.o.) ―Silent night, Holy night, all is calm, all is bright...‖ TEEN PATIENT: (v.o.) I could so do her. SECRETARY: (v.o.) I love Christmas music. We should play Christmas music year-round. TEEN PATIENT: (v.o.) Uh-oh...hulking out...Think of something else for a second... SECRETARY: (v.o.) ―Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la la...‖ ALYSSA: (aside) Ugh...Thought that would be gone by now...Should I get this checked out? Yeah, that would be so much fun explaining to a doctor... (Alyssa finishes up with the patient. She turns around to clean off the dental instruments. The teen patient checks her out.) TEEN PATIENT: (v.o.) Check out that-40

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa quickly stretches a little.) ALYSSA: Uhh, my arms...I tell you, ever since I hit forty, my body just has not been what it used to be... TEEN PATIENT: (v.o.) She‘s forty? She‘s not forty...But what if she is? She‘s as old as my mom. Ew. I‘ve been checking out someone that old...Egh! ALYSSA: (starting to sing) ―Fa la la la la la la...‖ (catches herself) Damn that secretary... (Alyssa puts the fluoride treatment in the patient‘s mouth.) ALYSSA: Just need to stick this in your mouth for a minute...Try not to swallow any... ALYSSA: (aside) But why am I hearing her thoughts and not Reynolds‘? His office is right nearby...Although she did say he was running a few minutes late. Is he here yet? What do I do if I‘m done with this kid and he‘s not here? (Alyssa pulls the fluoride out, and the patient rinses his mouth.) ALYSSA: There. Done with that. ALYSSA: (aside) Can‘t believe Miranda...Still making up those lame excuses because she doesn‘t trust me to know all about her ―secret identity.‖ Screw her. I‘ve given her all weekend to decide to tell me on her own... (Lights gradually go up in Dane‘s office. Dane, dressed as FantasticMan, stands in the middle of the office, as if he just switched his body from being light to being human.) ALYSSA: (aside) I think I‘m going to have to just tell her I know. I‘ll actually be honest with her... DANE: (v.o.) I‘m going to smell like squid all day now. ALYSSA: (aside) There he is. 41

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

(Dane grabs his normal work clothes out of his desk drawer and puts them over his costume. The patient is still rinsing.) SECRETARY: (v.o.) ―Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way...‖ ALYSSA: Why can‘t she shut up? TEEN PATIENT: I‘m done. ALYSSA: Okay, I‘ll go get Dr. Reynolds for-DANE: (v.o.) Like Dr. Death isn‘t giving us enough to worry about...Gotta deal with a little nuisance like Admiral Ocean...Not how I wanted to start my day... (Alyssa is taken completely by surprise.) ALYSSA: --Um...I...What was I saying? TEEN PATIENT: Uhh...You‘re going to get Dr. Reynolds so I can get out of here? ALYSSA: Right. Excuse me. ALYSSA: (aside) That time I was hearing things... DANE: (v.o.) But I guess that‘s just another day in the life of FantasticMan! (Alyssa stands still, frozen in shock. The patient looks at her like she‘s rather odd.) ALYSSA: (aside) You‘re kidding me...No, he just wants to be him...He‘s not...He‘s even less of a hero than Miranda, for the love of God...

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition TEEN PATIENT: Um...Are you going to get him? Don‘t have all day... ALYSSA: Uh...yeah...

Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa exits the examination room and stands behind Dane‘s door. Dane actually looks happy.) DANE: (v.o.) That was so clever of AmazingMan to use his telekinesis to manipulate the squid‘s ink glands. Ocean never saw that one coming! My team is great... (By now, Dane should be dressed as a dentist. There‘s a knock on the door. He opens it up, and Alyssa is there, looking very confused. Dane is back to his cynical, lifeless self. He‘s rustling through some papers on his desk.) ALYSSA: Um, hi...When you‘re ready, there‘s a patient... DANE: There‘s always a patient, isn‘t there? When is there ever not a patient? It‘s like an infestation. DANE: (v.o.) That was so funny what UltraWoman said to Ocean... DANE: Tell the guy or girl or whoever I‘ll be there in a minute. (In the lobby, Maggie enters, looking rather annoyed. Alyssa gets curious.) SECRETARY: (v.o.) Ahhh...Maggie Reynolds! Always nice when she drops by! DANE: Well? ALYSSA: Okay. (Alyssa leaves the office and walks all the way down to the lobby. Maggie and the secretary are talking, unheard until she gets there.) TEEN PATIENT: (v.o.) She‘s not really forty. That must be something she just tells people. 43

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa enters the lobby. Dane is listening to a small radio in his office.) SECRETARY: He called a while ago and said he was running a little late. MAGGIE: What is this? He misses his son‘s game, and then he doesn‘t even bother to show up to his own office on time? MAGGIE: (v.o.) Irresponsible bastard...He promised... ALYSSA: Um, excuse me...Dr. Reynolds just got in, actually. He‘s in his office. I‘ll go get him for you. MAGGIE: He is? Could you, please? MAGGIE: (v.o.) That man is in for it... (Alyssa walks back toward the office.) TEEN PATIENT: (v.o.) Why would anyone want to be forty? (Dane shuts the radio off and gets ready to change back into FantasticMan.) DANE: Great Scott! One of those garrulous gorillas from the invasion is wreaking havoc at the zoo! This looks like a job for-(As Dane is just about to pull his shirt open to reveal his costume, Alyssa walks in. Dane quickly covers himself.) ALYSSA: Doctor-DANE: (furious) Don‘t you knock? ALYSSA: Sorry. Your ex-wife is here. She seems really upset. Something about your son. 44

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

DANE: (v.o.) Damn, not now! I have to stop that ape! No telling what damage he could do... DANE: Tell her I‘ll be with her as soon as I can. I just remembered an important phone call I need to make. I‘ll make the call, and then I‘ll go see the patient, and then I‘ll talk to her. Alright? And don‘t you ever barge in here without knocking, okay? ALYSSA: Okay, it won‘t happen again. I wasn‘t thinking. DANE: You should try it sometime. Now, please, I need to make that call. ALYSSA: Okay, I‘m going. (Alyssa exits the office. Dane waits a moment, cautiously. He then begins stripping off his normal clothes to his costume as the lights on his office go down.) DANE: (v.o.) Damn, completely forgot his game...I‘ll make it up to him later... TEEN PATIENT: (v.o.) What‘s keeping these assholes? (The lights go right back up a moment later, and Dane is gone, but his clothes remain. Alyssa peeks in, carefully. When she‘s sure he‘s gone, she goes all the way in. In the lobby, Maggie is seated, trying to be patient but not doing too well.) ALYSSA: I think I hate that man. Holy shit...He‘s actually...So who the hell is AmazingMan? I don‘t think I want to know...Oh...Ohhh...Brad. He‘s Miranda‘s cousin. He‘s been to the apartment before, and maybe they‘ve got something in their blood that lets them do...lets them do their powers thing...Oh, gross! Damn...I don‘t need this...I do not need this... (Lights go down. The voice of the male announcer is heard.) MALE ANNOUNCER: ...Hope none of you were at the zoo today. It turns out that one of the gorillas from last week‘s invasion actually managed to infiltrate the zoo and swapped places with a normal gorilla. Earlier this morning, the intelligent primate freed half the animals, creating quite a bit of pandemonium. Needless to say, The Terrific Trio arrived and set things straight. I don‘t know about you folks, 45

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

but I find that whole ordeal just plain creepy. I was at the zoo yesterday with my son, and I never would have guessed that one of the gorillas was plotting to kill us...

Scene 3 (A small pool of light shines on Alyssa, as she sits on a park bench, alone and looking a little scared. Some background noise could be used, such as traffic and people shuffling all around her.) ALYSSA: Where are you, Kent? I can‘t do this on my own…I can‘t believe I actually called Brad. Why couldn‘t he have been there? I want this over with. I want everything in the open. RANDOM VOICE7: (v.o.) She looks like she‘s having a bad day. ALYSSA: Mind your own damn business. Brad can‘t be AmazingMan. But it makes sense. RANDOM VOICE8: (v.o.) Who ever thought to call a tree a tree? ALYSSA: If he is...Was it all just an act? Has he really been a good person all along? Why would he do that? (Notices with momentary relief) There he––Nope, just some random guy... RANDOM VOICE9: (v.o.) Squirrelie! Yay! ALYSSA: Wait...No...Brad can‘t be...Miranda said--thought, Miranda thought something about some kind of affair...Unless they don‘t know...Ew...Ew! Oh God, I so hope I‘m wrong...Where is Kent?!? KENT: (v.o.) There she is. (Kent steps into the light and sits next to Alyssa, who looks very relieved upon seeing him.) KENT: Hey.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: Oh, Kent, thanks for meeting with me. I‘m so sorry if I interrupted anything...I just really needed to talk to someone... KENT: Sure. Not a problem. What‘s wrong? KENT: (v.o.) Something‘s wrong. I hate seeing her like this. ALYSSA: I don‘t even know where to begin... KENT: (v.o.) Was such a fool that night as AmazingMan...Would have been wrong getting her like that... (Alyssa looks at Kent in horror.) ALYSSA: Um... KENT: Alyssa? What‘s wrong? Just tell me what it is, and I‘ll do whatever I can to help you out. KENT: (v.o.) And then UltraWoman...But I‘m not important now. Alyssa is. ALYSSA: OmiGod! KENT: Alyssa...? KENT: (v.o) Does she know? Fuck! (Alyssa stands up.) ALYSSA: This was a mistake. I‘m sorry to bother you. KENT: You‘re not bothering me. I want to help you. Tell me what‘s wrong. Please.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

KENT: (v.o.) I want to help her. Why isn‘t she letting me?!? (Kent notices something vibrating in his pocket.) KENT: (v.o.) Fuck you, FantasticMan. What now? Haven‘t we saved the world enough today? I should‘ve turned that thing off. ALYSSA: Bye, Kent. I have to go, and I‘m sure you‘ve got things you need to do, too. KENT: Alyssa, if you‘re having a problem, whatever it is, that makes you my top priority. You‘ve got me worried about you now. KENT: (v.o.) Had a crush on you forever... KENT: I‘m here to help if you need me. ALYSSA: I...I appreciate that, but I‘ve just realized that this is something I need to deal with on my own. KENT: (v.o.) Beeper‘s still at it. Could be something big... KENT: Alright. But if you change your mind and want to talk, call me anytime. ALYSSA: Okay. Bye. (Alyssa quickly walks away. Lights go down, and the voice of the female announcer is heard.) MALE ANNOUNCER: ...Interesting news...During the height of rush hour traffic, a man dressed up in an outlandish costume and calling himself ―The Bomber‖ was threatening that he would cause random automobiles to explode using simply ―the power of his mind‖ if he was not paid one million dollars within the hour. When the Terrific Trio arrived to apprehend the so-called ―Bomber,‖ they quickly discovered that this man actually had no special powers. He was merely bluffing to gain some attention. Well he certainly got what he wanted. He had our undivided attention all 48

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition right. On that note, let‘s get on with our next twenty-minute music hour.

Dan Sherrier

Scene 4 (Lights up as Alyssa enters the apartment) ALYSSA: Miranda? Are you here? (Alyssa looks around) ALYSSA: Don‘t think she is. Thank God. Don‘t want to deal with her now. (She crashes onto the couch.) ALYSSA: Of course she isn‘t here. (overly sarcastic) She‘s off to do glorious battle with Kent and my boss! (shaken) And afterwards she and Kent are going to...and...and...Kent lied to me. (There‘s a knock on the door.) ALYSSA: And who the hell is that? My landlord so I can read her mind and learn that she‘s secretly Peter Pan? BRAD: (v.o.) Can‘t believe she actually called me...Maybe she does still want me... (Alyssa repeatedly hits herself with a pillow.) ALYSSA: No, no, no! Not him! Why did I call him? Idiot! Thinking he was the one lying to me just because he was the only one who was at all likely to lie to me! But he hasn‘t been lying this time. That was years ago. (Alyssa settles down and stands up.) ALYSSA: No hiding. (Alyssa opens the door, and Brad is standing there.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition BRAD: Hi. I, uh, got your message. You wanted to talk about something? ALYSSA: Um, actually, it was really nothing. I just...Really, it‘s nothing. BRAD: Are you sure? BRAD: (v.o.) I really hurt her that time. That really sucked... ALYSSA: Yeah, I‘m sure... BRAD: I‘m not buying that.

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: Um, okay...It‘s kind of silly actually...I just need to know...Uh, are you secretly Dr. Death? (Brad laughs.) BRAD: Nope. BRAD: (v.o.) She‘s funny--Beautiful--I love her. ALYSSA: Good to know. I guess that sounded pretty ridiculous. BRAD: Yeah, it did. But I always liked that about you. So unpredictable. Well, uh, guess I should, you know, go or something. BRAD: (v.o.) So awkward. ALYSSA: Yeah, that might be best. BRAD: So, um, bye. 50

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

(Brad starts to leave.) ALYSSA: (aside) Wait! I can read his mind! ALYSSA: Brad! Wait!...Come here...Come in. (Brad enters, appearing confused.) BRAD: (v.o.) She‘s kind of gotten weird. But not complaining. ALYSSA: Um...Question. Why did you cheat on me? (Brad sighs and slips into a worse mood.) BRAD: (v.o.) Because I wanted a real woman, not some insecure skinny little girl. (Alyssa‘s mood equally worsens.) BRAD: Living in the past much, are you? ALYSSA: Says the guy who has no future. BRAD: This coming from you? Dental hygienist? ALYSSA: That‘s a low blow! BRAD: Didn‘t you once tell me you wanted to be like famous or something by now? What was it? Oh, yeah, your own TV show you wanted. How‘s that coming along? You got something on the Dental Channel? ALYSSA: Do you even feel bad about what you did?

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition BRAD: (v.o.) Feel bad you found out. BRAD: It was like a hundred years ago! Get over it!

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: Huh? Your thoughts aren‘t making any sense here! A few minutes ago you were thinking that you loved me and you regretted hurting me, but now you only regret that I found out? What the hell? BRAD: (v.o., deeply confused) Women are crazy. BRAD: I don‘t know what‘s going on with you, and I don‘t care. I‘m out of here. ALYSSA: No. We‘re going to talk about all of this. Like we should‘ve done long ago. BRAD: No. We‘re not. (Brad starts to leave. Alyssa grabs his arm.) ALYSSA: No, I deserve an explanation. (Brad grows angrier.) BRAD: (v.o.) If she doesn‘t let go in two seconds, I swear I‘m going to beat her. ALYSSA: You wouldn‘t. BRAD: Wouldn‘t what? ALYSSA: What do you think you love about me? (Brad slaps her hard and starts walking away, shaking his head.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition BRAD: Not your mouth. Tease.

Dan Sherrier

(Brad exits. Alyssa is in total shock. Lights go down. The voice of the female announcer is heard.) FEMALE ANNOUNCER: ...After a wild, crazy day, we finally have a peaceful night here in Olympus City. No signs of any more giant squid, evil apes, or wannabe super-villains. But I hear that the Terrific Trio are taking advantage of the momentary calm to hunt down Dr. Death‘s secret lair. I know I speak for the entire city when I say, good luck, Terrifics. We hope you succeed.

Scene 5 (A small pool of light shines on Alyssa, as she holds a pair of binoculars, looking out at the sky. She‘s trying very hard to keep it all together.) ALYSSA: No more secrets. No more being taken by surprise. No more. Any minute now, Miranda‘s gonna come flying down and land on this roof, and we‘re going to have a nice, long talk...Talking is good. Screw mind-reading. I just want to talk... (The voice of the Lewis is heard, lurking around in the dark.) LEWIS: Alyssa Henson. That‘s right. I know your name. ALYSSA: Who the hell? I don‘t hear any thoughts... (Lewis, dressed as Dr. Death, steps into the spotlight. He‘s wearing a standard super-villain outfit, which should at least contain a helmet of some kind and a mask. The alien stands at his side, much like the typical henchman.) LEWIS: In case you‘re wondering, yes, your telepathic powers are still functioning. I just don‘t care much for people snooping around in my head, so I‘ve devised this special mind-proof helmet to block-ALYSSA: Who the fuck are you?

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition LEWIS: The name, my dear, is Death...Dr. Death! ALYSSA: (frustrated, not scared) Oh, shit...

Dan Sherrier

LEWIS: Yes, it is I and only I who have kept the Terrific Trio running in circles like a pack of ignorant fools! ALYSSA: Uh...really? LEWIS: But let‘s not discuss it here. Let us journey, you and I, to my secret lair! (Lewis sprays some gas on Alyssa, and she passes out. Lights go down, and the voice of the female announcer is heard.) FEMALE ANNOUNCER: It looks like the Terrific Trio has uncovered a lead on the location of Dr. Death‘s secret lair, and get this, it involves one of those UFO‘s from Friday night. Reportedly, the Trio are engaged in battle with aliens at this very moment, meaning Dr. Death can‘t be far behind, which brings us to tonight‘s poll...―How much longer until Dr. Death is back behind bars?‖

Scene 6 (A pool of light shines elsewhere on the stage, showing Lewis as Dr. Death standing before Alyssa, as she is tied down to a chair. She is just now waking up and is a little groggy. The alien lurks in the background.) LEWIS: Awake yet? Good. ALYSSA: Huh? Oh. You. Damn. LEWIS: Yes, it is I, the undisputed doctor...of death! (villainous laugh) ALYSSA: And big s&m fan, I see...

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

LEWIS: Do you mock Dr. Death? ALYSSA: It‘s kind of tough not to. LEWIS: How very impolite to speak to the one who made you what you are! ALYSSA: Excuse me? Please don‘t tell me you‘re my father. If you are, I‘m shooting myself. LEWIS: No, Alyssa, I am not your father, but it was I who enabled you to acquire your telepathic powers. Yes, that‘s right. It is because of my intervention that you are privy to your neighbors‘ thoughts and possess power enough to fry minds! ALYSSA: I can fry people‘s minds? Really? And I was supposed to figure this out how? I so would have loved to have known about that like an hour ago! Can I fry yours? LEWIS: Not so long as I wear this specially-reinforced helmet that blocks your mental powers. I would not be so foolish as to leave myself vulnerable to my own...creation. (The patient is transfixed on Alyssa‘s chest.) ALYSSA: (aside) Creation? Men...So full of themselves...Buncha bastards...Brad hit me...He thought he loved me and then hit me... ALYSSA: Just tell me your fucking master plan and let‘s be done with this. LEWIS: Of course. You may recall the extraterrestrial vessels that visited this pitiful planet the other evening. They came at my bidding in part to provide a distraction for the Trio, and in part to abduct you. ALYSSA: (aside, should overlap with end of Lewis‘s line) Hit me...Never saw it coming...Even with...with...

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

LEWIS: Don‘t look so surprised, Alyssa. What, with talking apes and flying men, would extraterrestrial life seem so far-fetched? Aliens were indeed responsible for your abduction and subsequent operation. At my request, they used their advanced expertise in the field of genetics to stimulate the unused portions of your brain, granting you incomparable power! No secret is safe from you...No mind safe from total annihilation...not even those of the Terrific Trio! (Lewis pulls a costume for Alyssa from out of the dark and into the light. It looks absurd and should contain at least a cowl and a cape and maybe a wig.) LEWIS: My dear, it is time for you to don this uniform and use this power I have so generously bestowed upon you, so that we may defeat the Trio and conquer the world! (villainous laugh) (Alyssa, after a moment of incredulousness, gradually breaks out into laughter, laughing at his ridiculousness. Lewis thinks she‘s laughing with him.) LEWIS: Yes, it will be glorious indeed. I knew I made the right choice selecting you to be my cohort. We were meant to be together, you and I. I knew from the very moment I first laid eyes on you. ALYSSA: And when was this? LEWIS: You don‘t remember? ALYSSA: Should I? LEWIS: I see...Without your telepathy, you cannot pierce through my disguise. We have indeed met before, Alyssa. Only then, I was in my guise of... (Lewis takes his mask off but leaves helmet on) LEWIS: ...Mortimer Lewis! ALYSSA: Who? LEWIS: I said, Mortimer Lewis. 56

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: Umm... LEWIS: How can you not remember? Think back to that fateful day at the office of that blackguard Dane Reynolds. You cleaned my teeth. And then, we had another encounter, in which I was disguised as a simple waiter. ALYSSA: Waiter? Oh, I do remember you now...You‘re that creep with the plaque problem. LEWIS: Ah, yes...The plaque. I‘ll have you know that that is merely an artifice with which to infuriate Dane Reynolds, damn him to hell... ALYSSA: Oh, so you know...? LEWIS: Yes, I know that when we were in dentist school together, Reynolds ratted me out! He caught me cheating on an exam and reported me to the Honor Council! The Honor Council! Can you imagine the shame and humiliation I was subjected to? I was thrown out of school and disowned by my family, leaving me with nothing and no one to rely on but my own superior intellect. With my dream of becoming a dentist shattered, I was left devoid of purpose, until that day...the day FantasticMan made his public debut. I saw him in all his illuminated glory and knew from that moment on that I did indeed have a purpose in this life. You see, everyone adores FantasticMan. They believe him to represent the very best of humanity. But if I were to defeat such a man, then I would in turn be better than the best, and everyone would know! At long last, I will have the respect I so richly deserve! The entire world will tremble at the mere mention of Mortimer Lewis! ALYSSA: Wait. Back up. You hate Dr. Reynolds so you mess your teeth up twice a year just to annoy him? That‘s great. You have just made my week. LEWIS: He deserves no less. Nothing enrages a dentist more than poor hygiene. This, I know! ALYSSA: So, um, what‘s up with this whole conquering the world thing?

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

LEWIS: With the Terrific Trio out of the way, I will need a new challenge...the greatest challenge of all! First, my dear, we shall conquer this planet Earth...and then, the solar system...and ultimately...the entirety of the cosmos! (villainous laugh) ALYSSA: Sounds like fun. Anyone who hates Dane Reynolds has my support. That bastard. I‘m with you all the way. LEWIS: A most wise decision. (Lewis unties Alyssa. She stands up.) ALYSSA: You know, I never did figure out how to, uh, fry people‘s brains. How does that work exactly? LEWIS: Why, it is simple. You merely focus on the mind you wish to attack, and you concentrate. Immediately, the victim will begin suffering from a severe headache, and shortly later, he will pass out. Continued force can eventually reduce said victim to a vegetable-like state. It requires minimal exertion on your part once you get used to it. ALYSSA: Good to know. Come here, Doctor, I‘ve got something for you... LEWIS: Something...for me? ALYSSA: Yeah, just for you, oh dear wise creator... (Alyssa and Lewis get really close, as if they are about to embrace. Then, Alyssa suddenly yanks Lewis‘s helmet off. He then clutches his head in pain.) ALYSSA: Fuck you, you asshole! Screwing around with my life like that! (Lewis falls to floor, in agony. The alien runs away in terror.) LEWIS: B-but Alyssa...I-I love...

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: No! You think I‘m hot and want to fuck me. I‘m in your goddamn mind! I know all about you! Your whole life has been lonely as hell and you just can‘t take it anymore so you play dress-up and attack good, decent people because it makes you feel big. (Lewis screams and passes out. He‘s alive, but looks to be in a trance.) ALYSSA: (tired) Fuck. You. (Alyssa gets a good look at the unconscious Lewis, and she begins to examine the costume he made for her, which is lying on the floor beside him.) ALYSSA: This is Kent‘s and Miranda‘s greatest enemy. This guy. Oh my God...Is this what they‘re going to become? I need to see them both, read their--No. Brad showed me. I don‘t know what they‘re thinking. (Alyssa grabs the costume.) ALYSSA: I don‘t know what the fuck is going on in anyone‘s head. I don‘t know anything, except that my friends are in danger of becoming like this waste of a human being. This is crazy, but I have to do it… (Lights dim for a moment on a portion of the stage, and when they immediately go back up, Dane as FantasticMan is standing over Lewis.) DANE: Leaping luminosity! Looks like someone...or something...got to Dr. Death before we did! (Miranda enters as UltraWoman.) MIRANDA: Look at his eyes! No normal human did this! (Kent as AmazingMan enters, as he‘s in the process of defeating the alien with his telekinetic force.) KENT: Are we sure that‘s really Dr. Death there? What if this is just another ruse? DANE: Good point, AmazingMan! We better be ready for anything! 59

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

MIRANDA: If this is a ruse, it‘s a darn good one. Who could have done this to him? (A spotlight shines elsewhere on the stage, showing Alyssa dressed in her costume, trying to act like a typical super-hero.) ALYSSA: That would be me. DANE: And just who are you supposed to be? ALYSSA: The name is, uh...(searches for name)...MightyGirl! (Lights go down.)

ACT 3 Scene 1 (The scene picks up right where the previous act left off. Alyssa is dressed as MightyGirl and trying to act like a typical super-hero, although she‘s not very good at it yet. Kent, Miranda, and Dane are all around her, staring at her with inquisitive expressions, unsure whether or not they can trust her. Lewis is still lying on the floor, unconscious, and the alien is at Kent‘s feet, also unconscious.) ALYSSA: Yes, the name...is MightyGirl. DANE: (v.o.) MightyGirl, eh? Is she friend...or foe? MIRANDA: (v.o.) Mighty--? But I‘m the World‘s Mightiest Woman...She can‘t be...Ooh, she said girl…maybe I inspired her... KENT: (v.o.) She has a nice body...Focus, Kent... (Dane approaches Alyssa, suspicious.) 60

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

DANE: Alright, ―Mighty-Girl,‖ what do you want? ALYSSA: I want to join you, um, by golly. I want to be the fourth member of the Terrific Trio! KENT: (v.o.) Really nice body... DANE: Well, it just so happens that we‘re not recruiting at the moment. (Miranda notices Kent looking at Alyssa and gets a little nervous.) DANE: However, if you can prove to me that you have what it takes to join the world‘s pre-eminent fighting force, then I may consider you. For starters, just what special powers do you possess? ALYSSA: I have the power to...give people headaches...um, really bad headaches. (regains composure) Mind rays, if you will. Yes, I shoot these beams of...uh...thought energy, and...(gestures to Lewis) Just look at what my power can accomplish! Where once there stood a twisted supergenius, there now lies...an unconscious person. (gestures to alien) And observe what I did there! KENT: Um, I got this one. ALYSSA: Right! Exactly! (Awkward pause.) You might be wondering just how I stumbled onto Dr. Death‘s diabolical scheme. Well you see, I was, uh, patrolling the area, and I just so happened to notice some...suspicious activity, so I dashed over and leapt through... (Alyssa looks up and around, as if searching for a shattered window, eventually finds one.) ALYSSA: ...that window! And from there, it was a simple matter of employing my, uh, brain beams to...defeat him. Yes. (Kent, Dane, and Miranda stare at her, judging her.) DANE: Psionic bolts, you say?

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition ALYSSA: Yes! Those! DANE: Hmmm.... (Dane paces back and forth, thinking the situation over. Kent motions to Lewis.) KENT: Shouldn‘t we do something with him?

Dan Sherrier

(Miranda approaches Alyssa, sometimes circling around her and constantly glaring at her.) MIRANDA: You do realize, ―Mighty-Girl,‖ that this is not an easy job. In fact, it‘s a very hard job. One could almost say difficult. Actually, I think I will say difficult. It takes a lot of hard work and determination to be a super-hero. KENT: You know, I‘m just going to fly these villains over to the-(Dane pauses momentarily, holds up a finger, speaks, and resumes pacing.) DANE: One moment, AmazingMan. We‘re not yet done here. MIRANDA: It takes more than mere psionic bolts and a nifty costume to face the challenges that stand before us. Now that I think of it, how do we even know that you really do have these powers? How do we know that this isn‘t all part of Dr. Death‘s larger plaAAAGGH!!! (Miranda has a sudden, splitting headache. It goes away after a second. She backs off, still trying to look tough.) MIRANDA: All right then. (The alien starts to wake up. Kent kicks it, knocking it out again. Dane stops pacing.) DANE: I have reached my decision! (approaches Alyssa) MightyGirl, for the time being, I will allow you to join our group! (Alyssa shakes Dane‘s hand.) 62

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: Sir, it will be an honor! DANE: Oh, no need for formalities. Call me FantasticMan. (Lewis starts to wake up. Kent notices, waves a hand, telekinetically knocking Lewis back out again.) MIRANDA: Is this wise? DANE: I don‘t know about wise, but my gut instinct tells me that it‘s the right thing to do. KENT: Took you a while to come up with that gut instinct. DANE: MightyGirl, welcome to the Terrific--Wait. We can‘t be a Trio with four members...This is rather problematic...Maybe the Fantastic...No, I‘ve got it! We‘ll be the Terrifics! Yes, I like the sound of that... (Dane notices Lewis.) DANE: Hmm...I suppose we should get Dr. Death and his extraterrestrial lackey to prison before they awaken and endanger the world! I‘ll take the TerrifiCar and get on it at once. KENT: It would be faster if I just flew-DANE: No, AmazingMan, I want you and UltraWoman to take your new teammate back to Headquarters. Show her around a bit, start teaching her the ropes, and maybe get to know each other a little. I‘ll be there as soon as I‘ve taken care of the garbage here. (Dane begins tying up Lewis and then the alien. Kent approaches Alyssa.) ALYSSA: (aside) I can stop this now...I‘ll just take the mask off, and--

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition KENT: MightyGirl, do you fly? ALYSSA: Fly? KENT: Or leap or swing around or run really fast...anything along those lines? ALYSSA: I don‘t think I do... KENT: Then you can ride with me. I can carry you telekinetically. MIRANDA: I could also carry her. With my arms. KENT: No, I‘ve got her. Don‘t worry about it. MIRANDA: But she...might not be comfortable with your telekinesis yet... ALYSSA: I don‘t mind at all. I‘d be happy to be, um, flown by AmazingMan. KENT: It‘s my pleasure. Just let me know if I‘m flying too fast.

Dan Sherrier

(Kent and Alyssa start to exit. Alyssa smiles at Kent. Miranda lags behind, not pleased. Dane finishes tying up the villains while the lights go down. The voice of the female announcer is heard.) FEMALE ANNOUNCER: ...And Dr. Death is once again safely behind bars and no longer a threat to society, thanks to combined might of the Terrific Trio...and friend. According to FantasticMan, the team had some help with this latest adventure. The Beacon of Brightness would not elaborate at this time, but he did say that we should be expecting ―great things‖ from this individual. Does this mean the world‘s favorite threesome is about to become...a foursome?

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Scene 2

Dan Sherrier

(Lights go up in Terrific Trio Headquarters. One side of the set should contain a trophy area, consisting of various artifacts from previous adventures. At the very least, there needs to be a ―portal to the positron universe‖ that‘s set somewhat in the back and also a mirror that serves as ―the portal to the mirror universe.‖ Also, there could be statues of the Trio, some alien weaponry, awards, etc. On the other side of the stage there needs to be a monitor/meeting room. A large, complex-looking computer system should dominate the background, and a round table with dignified-looking chairs should be in front of it. Alyssa, Kent, and Miranda all enter in their super-hero alter-egos.) KENT: Here we are...The, ah, Terrifics‘ Headquarters. ALYSSA: This is, uh, very impressive here. (Kent walks closer to Alyssa. Miranda gets concerned.) KENT: This is our trophy room. It has-MIRANDA: Hold on just a second, AmazingMan! We need to go check up on the portal to the positron universe, remember? Make sure it‘s still working okay? KENT: No, we don‘t. MIRANDA: FantasticMan said earlier-KENT: It‘s fine. I just-MIRANDA: Do you want to be responsible for the annihilation of positive matter as we know it? ALYSSA: Go ahead. Do what you need to do. I‘ll be right here. (Miranda links her arm around Kent‘s and drags him back to the portal.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition KENT: Are you sure? MIRANDA: She‘s sure. C‘mon...

Dan Sherrier

(Kent and Miranda walk to the back, where Miranda becomes very flirtatious. Other artifacts should block Alyssa‘s line of sight to them. Alyssa is eavesdropping on their thoughts, as she looks around, eventually winding up near the mirror.) KENT: (v.o.) Don‘t give in, dammit...Made a mistake once, but just once... (Kent and Miranda begin making out. Alyssa is disgusted.) ALYSSA: (aside) Kent and Miranda. How do they not recognize-(Alyssa finds herself facing her reflection in the mirror. She is slightly startled, as this is the first time she‘s seen herself dressed like this. She‘s unprepared for how she looks.) ALYSSA: (aside) I look like a whore. (Kent gently breaks away from Miranda. Alyssa‘s attention returns to them.) KENT: We shouldn‘t...MightyGirl-MIRANDA: Let‘s just forget about her for now... ALYSSA: (aside) Why did I let them--Kent didn‘t want to--Ah, screw Kent. He can make his own choices. (Kent and Miranda start making out again. Alyssa‘s annoyed.) ALYSSA: (aside) And he made it. I wonder...Can I read deeper, look at memories...? (Alyssa concentrates.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

KENT: (v.o.) A month or so ago, I started finding UltraWoman to be really attractive. She reminds me of someone. Don‘t know why. I‘m pathetic. ALYSSA: (aside, concentrating) Okay, I‘m getting there... KENT: (v.o.) Five years ago, I allowed FantasticMan to talk me into putting on this ridiculous costume...I‘m pathetic. ALYSSA: (aside) I‘m getting thoughts of memories, but I want the actual memories, dammit...Come on...Deeper... (Alyssa concentrates harder. Lights get darker, and a pool of blue light appears downstage, as if to indicate the scene of a memory. Kent takes off his mask and walks into the blue light. To simulate his first flying experience, he lays belly-down on a table and extends his arms forward.) KENT: I knew it! I can fly! This is amazing! I can go anywhere I want! This is the best feeling in the world! I feel invincible! Look, there‘s a plane flying below me! I don‘t ever want to come down! (The blue light fades. Kent puts his mask back on and is continuing to make out with Miranda as lights come back to normal. Alyssa relaxes.) KENT: (v.o.) I am pathetic. ALYSSA: (aside) Interesting. So I can do it. That‘s kind of cool. Hmm...Let‘s see what Miranda‘s got in her head... (Alyssa concentrates again. Lights dim, as the blue light comes up. Miranda walks into the blue light, with purpose. She stares at the audience and appears as though she‘s about to make a monumental, profound announcement.) MIRANDA: Me. (With increasing speed until it‘s insanely fast; the exact quantity of ―Me‘s‖ is irrelevant.) MIRANDA: Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me... 67

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa stops for a second, and Miranda freezes.) ALYSSA: (aside) Whoa...Okay...Maybe if I look deeper... MIRANDA: (slow again, with a different overdramatic emotion for each) Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me... (Alyssa gives up, and lights return to normal. Miranda returns to Kent, and they‘re making out again.) ALYSSA: (aside) Well, what else could I reasonably have expected to find? (Dane enters, not noticing Kent and Miranda, who are now hidden behind set pieces as they continue. He sees Alyssa clutching her head, a bit worn out from her experiment. On his way in, he places Dr. Death‘s helmet on a trophy stand.) DANE: Is everything all right, MightyGirl? ALYSSA: Oh, um, yeah...(resumes super-hero composure) I mean, yes, FantasticMan, everything is just spiffy. (cringes at her word choice) DANE: Did AmazingMan and UltraWoman show you around? ALYSSA: They...showed me a lot, yes. DANE: Glad to hear it. Now, if you‘ll excuse me, I need to go log our latest adventure into our computerized archives over here. (Dane walks over to the computer.) DANE: (v.o.) Ahhh...The world is once again saved, thanks to us. Life could not be better. No, that‘s a lie... (Dane sits down and begins typing. Alyssa observes him, curious.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition ALYSSA: (aside) Should I...No, he‘s not worth--But I wonder...Ah, just once...

Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa concentrates. The blue light returns, and Dane steps into it, seated on a chair and acting like he‘s driving a car. Lewis enters and sits in a chair next to him, as the passenger. Lewis is tied up and is just waking up.) DANE: Finally coming around, I see. LEWIS: Confound you, FantasticMan! I was so close... DANE: Close only counts in horseshoes, my friend. Surely you realize by now that justice is always served, and served well-done at that. LEWIS: My day will come. Oh, yes. You shall see. I merely need to find your weakest link and exploit it to the fullest! (Pause, as Dane begins showing how annoyed he is and is slipping out of FantasticMan-mode.) DANE: Why? LEWIS: Why what? DANE: Why do you do this? Why do you have this obsession with me? Can‘t you just leave me in fucking peace? Is it really necessary to play these stupid games? It‘s not like you ever win. You throw your toys at us, and we always beat them. Because that‘s all they are. Just toys. Damn obnoxious toys that are costing me my family. And I am sick of it. I‘m sick of your sickness. You‘ve gotta be sick to actually want to be called Dr. Death. Morbid bastard... (Lewis smiles, pleased. Lights return to normal, as Dane resumes his position by the computer, and Lewis exits. Alyssa‘s head clearly hurts.) ALYSSA: (aside) Okay, that‘s enough... (A loud alarm sounds, hurting Alyssa‘s head even more. Kent and Miranda‘s heads pop up from behind an artifact. Dane leaps to his feet and looks at the computer screen.) 69

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DANE: Suffering suns! Gravity has gone haywire all over the city! (Kent and Miranda emerge from the trophy area, fixing their costumes.) DANE: MightyGirl, if you feel you‘re not yet ready-ALYSSA: I‘m ready. (tries to speak with authority and determination) Let‘s go make the world safe for democracy. (Lights go down, and the voices of the announcers are heard. Perhaps a slide show could be shown for this portion, or the announcers could be physically on-stage.) MALE ANNOUNCER: ....Historic day today, as the Terrific Trio, for the first time ever, have recruited a new team member. At a press conference, the team introduced us to MightyWoman, who, according to FantasticMan, is quite-FEMALE ANNOUNCER: --a calamity at today‘s parade, as the Terrible Trio made an unexpected visit in an attempt to assassinate the Terrifics‘ newest member. The leader of the Terrible Trio, UnFantasticMan, told police, ―They will always be the Terrific Trio to us. That woman is not part of them. Not so long as I‘m––‖ MALE ANNOUNCER: ...a real, live dragon! And get this, not only did a dragon visit our city, but aiding the Terrifics in its defeat were several 13th-century knights. Yes, that‘s right. Professor Jabon of Olympus University has finally mastered time travel last-FEMALE ANNOUNCER: --night I‘d recommend staying in, as the giant chickens are still running wild. Fortunately, the Terrifics are on the job and are expected to have the birds rounded up by midnight. Professor Jabon of Olympus University apologized for any inconveniences the chickens may be causing. MALE ANNOUNCER: Tragic news today...MightyGirl, the newest member of the Terrifics, has been killed in battle. According to FantasticMan‘s report, she was valiantly combating alien menaces on the planet Jupiter, doing her part to prevent interplanetary war. Funeral arrangements will be made as soon as the surviving members of the Terrifics return home. As of now, we‘re told that we will most likely be going to war with Jupiter, barring a--

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FEMALE ANNOUNCER: ...Miracle, absolute miracle! I am pleased to report that MightyGirl is alive! I repeat, MightyGirl of the Terrifics is alive! As unbelievable as it may seem, the newest Terrific was clinically deceased for eight hours, but the other Terrifics were able to use Jupiter technology to restore her to full health. I simply cannot believe this. This is– MALE ANNOUNCER: --official! Interplanetary war has been averted! I know it‘s been a tense few days for us all, but we can rest assured now knowing that, thanks to the Terrifics, we will not be going to war with the Jupiter...

Scene 3 (Lights go up in Alyssa & Miranda‘s apartment. Alyssa is in her room early in the day, sitting in a chair and staring at her MightyGirl costume, which is laid-out on her bed. Her face is unexpressive, almost catatonic. Long stretch of silence.) ALYSSA: You got me killed. On fucking Jupiter. (Miranda bursts through the apartment door, looking exhausted. She devotes all her energy to being apologetic.) MIRANDA: (calling out) Alyssa? I‘m home! I know I‘ve been gone a long long time, but I have a really good excuse! (Alyssa leaps out of her chair and quickly hides her costume. She steps out of her room and confronts Miranda.) ALYSSA: I was worried about you. MIRANDA: I...I was worried about me, too! I got abduct—kidnapped! I got kidnapped, and the Terrifics weren‘t around to save me. Supposedly there was this whole thing with Jupiter, but I don‘t know a thing about it, because I was kidnapped! But the police saved me and got the guy, and everything‘s good, so you don‘t have to worry about anything! ALYSSA: I‘m glad. (Miranda makes her way to her bedroom.)

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MIRANDA: I‘m going to go lie down. I haven‘t slept in days...because I was in this really...bad place. But there‘s nothing to worry about! Because I‘m not there anymore. ALYSSA: I‘m relieved. (Miranda exits into her bedroom. Alyssa returns to her own bedroom.) ALYSSA: (aside) Some people can‘t see past the ends of their noses... (Alyssa turns on a radio.) MALE ANNOUNCER: (v.o. from radio) –just in! Dastardly super-villain Captain Combustible has broken into the First Olympus Bank and is threatening to unleash a series of explosives unless the city pays him one– (Alyssa turns off the radio. She pulls out her costume and looks at it carefully as she holds it.) ALYSSA: (aside) I can find somewhere to change on the way. (Alyssa rushes out, carrying her costume. Lights down, as the voice of the male announcer is heard.) MALE ANNOUNCER: ...Quite a show this morning, as MightyGirl single-handedly battled Captain Combustible. Though she managed to save First Olympus Bank from destruction, the Maid of Mental Might was unable to prevent the neighboring, condemned building from meeting that very fate. But given the week that she‘s had, I‘d say we can certainly forgive her. Not like there was anything in that building anyway. In related news, Dr. Death has escaped from prison yet again...

Scene 4 (Lights go up in Dane‘s office, as Alyssa as MightyGirl is climbing in through the window. The room should have minimal lighting, as this is a weekend and no one is at the office. Dane‘s phone is ringing.) ALYSSA: (aside) Stupid bomb...At least I left some extra clothes here--

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(Alyssa notices something out the window. She quickly hides under the desk, as the lights go down and immediately go back up. Dane as FantasticMan is now standing in the office. He seems tired. He looks at the phone and does not notice Alyssa crouched under his desk.) DANE: Always something. (Dane picks up the phone. He takes his mask off as he begins talking. As he talks, he paces around. Alyssa keeps carefully moving out of his line of sight.) DANE: Yes?...Maggie, I‘m a little busy--What? I thought that was next week. I could‘ve sworn you said...Well, I had this emergency surgery that had to be done right...A man‘s mouth was at stake here!...Yes, I am sorry I missed that Career Day...I know I promised him, and I feel bad...Yes, yes, you‘re right. It was irresponsible of me, and I embarrassed him, I know, but this was an emergency...(stunned, stops pacing) What?...You can‘t be serious. I think you‘re making too much out of this little Career Day thing...He‘s my son, too!...I will take this to court--!...(long silence, as he listens, giving in)...No, no, you‘re right. I wouldn‘t win. Just--Just send me the new address, and I‘ll keep sending child support. I‘ll stay out of your way. (Pause, and Dane slowly hangs up the phone. He almost looks as if he‘s about to cry. Before he can, he puts his mask back on. The room gets brighter, and then the room gets dark for a second. When the lights return to their original level, Dane has vanished. Alyssa emerges from hiding.) ALYSSA: Must suck to have him as a dad, poor kid... (Alyssa exits Dane‘s office and walks past her examination room. She grabs her spare clothing and starts putting a shirt over her costume. She stops, looks around, and thinks for a moment, as something suddenly occurs to her. She seems to have an epiphany. She gets very upset with herself.) ALYSSA: I‘m pathetic. (Lights go down. The voice of the female announcer is heard.) FEMALE ANNOUNCER: ...The Navy has certainly taken a liking to UltraWoman today, as she single-handedly saved the S.S. Dionysos from sinking this afternoon. Currently, the World‘s Mightiest Woman is enjoying some quality time with the sailors. I have to say, that is one lucky girl there...

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Scene 5

Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa, dressed as MightyGirl, enters the Terrific Trio HQ. She seems to be in a better mood. Kent is sitting around at some random location, lost in thought. He does not notice Alyssa at first.) KENT: (v.o.) ...Still haven‘t heard anything from Alyssa. ALYSSA: Hi there, AmazingMan! KENT: Oh, hey. ALYSSA: Golly, is something wrong? KENT: What? No. No, I‘m fine. KENT: (v.o.) Alyssa‘s the one I‘m worried about. ALYSSA: I don‘t believe you. KENT: It‘s nothing. The real question is, are you okay? ALYSSA: Absolutely, thanks to you! (Alyssa sits beside Kent.) KENT: Glad I could help out. I‘d hate for anything to have happened to you. KENT: (v.o.) If that happened to Alyssa...Is it...? ALYSSA: You know, this mask is really starting to itch...

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition (Alyssa takes mask off.) ALYSSA: By the way, my name‘s Alyssa. Nice to meet you. KENT: I am an idiot. (Kent pulls his mask off.) KENT: I‘m guessing this is no shock here... ALYSSA: Nope. KENT: So...how long have you known? ALYSSA: Since the last time I saw you...as yourself. You see, I, uh, read minds. (Kent‘s eyes grow wide. Alyssa is amused.)

Dan Sherrier

KENT: (v.o.) She reads minds? She knows everything I‘m thinking? All this time? Oh, God, she probably knows about how I had a crush on her...Well, she knows now...Damn! Don‘t think about any of the sexual fantasies I had about her...Fuck! No! Stop that! Now she knows I curse in my head! Don‘t curse. Fuck. Stop that. Fuck, fuck, sex with Alyssa, fuck, sex--Agh! KENT: Just say something...please. ALYSSA: I‘m sorry. That was just too funny. KENT: (v.o., overlaps end of previous line) Think clean...Think of a nice pretty field...making out on a nice pretty field and then sex...Damn me! KENT: Since when do you read minds?

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition ALYSSA: It‘s a long story... KENT: (v.o.) Wait...If she‘s MightyGirl, then the others...Oh, no...no...Miranda...Fuck! KENT: Darn it! ALYSSA: You might as well just do it out loud. KENT: Please tell me UltraWoman isn‘t Miranda. ALYSSA: I could, but I‘m kind of sick of lying at this point...

Dan Sherrier

(Miranda as UltraWoman makes a grand entrance and doesn‘t really pay attention to Kent or Alyssa. They simply watch her, as she strolls over to the computer system to do some work.) MIRANDA: I love sailors. I just love them. I never thought I would, but they really are absolutely adorable. They are the perfect gentlemen. And so appreciative. I wanted to take each and every one home with me. They were-(Miranda stops suddenly, as it finally sinks in that they‘re unmasked. She looks at Kent and Alyssa, wide-eyed.) MIRANDA: (v.o.) This must be some kind of hoax...an illusion...something... KENT: Miranda, we really should talk. MIRANDA: Miranda? Why are you calling me Miranda? Who‘s that? ALYSSA: Give us some credit, hon. MIRANDA: I don‘t know what you‘re talking about.

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MIRANDA: (v.o.) IllusionMan! Only he could be behind this! ALYSSA: Miranda, dear, don‘t freak out on me when I tell you this... MIRANDA: Something fishy is going on here. You two are not who you say you are. (Alyssa approaches Miranda.) MIRANDA: (v.o.) If they are, I‘m really stupid, and I‘m not really stupid. ALYSSA: No, you‘re not stupid. You just didn‘t want to pay attention. MIRANDA: What did you just do? ALYSSA: Read your mind. It‘s what I do. MIRANDA: A-ha! That proves you‘re not Alyssa! Alyssa can‘t read minds! She would have told me if she could! ALYSSA: I would have, yes, but then a certain someone decided she didn‘t want to tell me that she was secretly UltraWoman. MIRANDA: (v.o.) Sounds and acts just like Alyssa... ALYSSA: Because it is me, you dummy! Screw the super-hero garbage. This is me. I‘m Alyssa. And this is Kent, and you are Miranda. MIRANDA: Then just who is FantasticMan, huh? Some ex-boyfriend? ALYSSA: No, he‘s Dr. Reynolds. 77

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

MIRANDA: Who? (Miranda looks incredibly confused as Kent and Alyssa speak. She rubs her eyes as if trying to brush off the illusion.) KENT: FantasticMan is my dentist? ALYSSA: Yep. FantasticMan is a lot of people‘s dentist. KENT: Wow. I should have picked up on that, too... ALYSSA: No, not really. I mean, who ever pays attention to their dentist? KENT: True. ALYSSA: Do you move a wet toothbrush around your mouth when you watch TV? KENT: Do I what? ALYSSA: Exactly. MIRANDA: I‘ve had enough of this! IllusionMan! Show yourself! (Kent approaches Miranda.) KENT: Miranda... MIRANDA: I would never kiss Kent. KENT: And you won‘t ever have to again. 78

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Dan Sherrier

(Miranda punches Kent. It‘s an extremely powerful punch. The force knocks Kent to the ground and sends him rolling several feet away.) ALYSSA: Miranda! What are you doing? (Kent gets back to his feet.) KENT: You pulled that punch. I know you could‘ve hit a lot harder. MIRANDA: (talking to the air) Oh, you think I‘m so gullible, don‘t you, IllusionMan? I get what‘s going on. This is some trick to get me to reveal my identity to you! Well it‘s not working! (Miranda runs at Kent, ready to hit him again, but Kent holds up an arm, and Miranda slows and stops, as if caught by Kent‘s telekinetic force. Miranda is struggling very hard to break free, and Kent struggles very hard to keep her contained. Stalemate. It‘s a strain for both. Alyssa looks concerned.) KENT: Come on, Miranda...We‘ve both been in denial long enough...On some level...you‘ve known it was me...just like...I realized...it might be...you... (Miranda has a sudden headache and collapses to her knees. She falls backward, and Kent stops exerting pressure.) MIRANDA: Aaahh!!! (Alyssa, thoroughly annoyed, approaches Miranda and pulls her mask off.) ALYSSA: Grow up, Miranda. Grow the hell up! (Miranda stares at Alyssa for a second, as she gives in to reality.) ALYSSA: (calming down) I know this isn‘t the life you wanted for yourself. You did the same thing I did. (pause, as Miranda stares at Kent, confused.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition MIRANDA: Are you sure you‘re AmazingMan? KENT: Yeah. If you want, I can prove it by telekinetically choking you... (pause) MIRANDA: Dammit.

Dan Sherrier

(The lights gradually dim until it‘s completely dark. Dane‘s voice is heard from any direction.) DANE: I can‘t watch this. This is not my team. I won‘t have you sully the good name of the Terrifics. Just relax...Let your eyes adjust to the darkness... (Lights suddenly get very bright. It appears blinding to Kent, Alyssa, and Miranda. Dane stands centerstage, looking sullen. The lights fade to normal level after a moment.) DANE: Why are you trying to destroy us, villain? ALYSSA: Villain? DANE: I get what you are...Just another cheap villain with a gimmick trying to tear apart the world‘s greatest heroes! I‘ll admit, you came close. The plan was nearly flawless...brilliant, even...trying to insert yourself among us, become one of us. You had me going, the way you heroically ―captured‖ Dr. Death, fought by our sides, and you even went so far as to get yourself killed to gain our sympathy. You get an ―A‖ for effort, MightyGirl, but the gig‘s up. You‘ll plague this team no more! LEWIS: (v.o.) Hahaha...!!!! ALYSSA: Wait! Dr. Reynolds! Dr. Death– (Lewis enters and immediately grabs his helmet from the trophy stand. Beside him is Brad, standing with eyes shut, in a strange, loopy trance.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition LEWIS: --Is here! KENT: (to Dane) I told you that trophy room was a bad idea. DANE: What do you want, Death? LEWIS: Oh, not much. Just...revenge! ALYSSA And what are you doing with Brad? DANE: You know that man?

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: Unfortunately. I‘ve been meaning to pay him a visit so I could kick his ass, but looks like the good doctor here beat me to it. DANE: So you two are in cahoots! ALYSSA: No! (Lewis looks at Brad, then Alyssa, and is confused.) LEWIS: You mean you don‘t like him? But I saw you two talking... (Miranda hits Alyssa in the arm to scold her.) MIRANDA: Alyssa! You didn‘t! ALYSSA: No, we just fought! That‘s all! And ow! Watch the super-strength. LEWIS: So...If I were to threaten, hurt, maim, or perhaps even slay this man...You wouldn‘t care?

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ALYSSA: Go right ahead. Save me the trouble. (Dane steps forward.) DANE: No. That‘s not the super-hero way. Every life is worth saving. That‘s what we do. That‘s what I do. (Lewis pulls out a futuristic gun and aims it at Dane. As he shoots it, a sound effect goes off, and Dane is frozen stiff.) DANE: (mumbling) Mmm! Mmmm! LEWIS: I‘m only here for one of you today. I will have my revenge, Alyssa Henson. KENT: You stay away– (Kent and Miranda launch into action, having a brief battle with Lewis, but then Lewis zaps them both, freezing them as well.) LEWIS: She gets no help! (The gun flies out of Lewis‘s hands.) LEWIS: Curse your telekinesis, AmazingMan! (Lewis pulls out another sci-fi gun and shoots Kent. Another sound effect signifies the shooting. Kent falls backward, clutching his chest. He‘s unconscious by the time he hits the floor.) KENT: Ugh! ALYSSA: Kent!

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LEWIS: That takes care of you. UltraWoman‘s strength is useless if she can‘t move a muscle. And as for you, FantasticMan... (Lewis puts on a pair of sunglasses and speaks directly to Dane.) LEWIS: Even if you do somehow manage to summon enough willpower to manipulate photons–which in your present state I highly doubt–you will not get past these. (points to sunglasses) (Only Alyssa is left free and standing. She takes a step back, trying to devise a plan, as she‘s very concerned about Kent.) ALYSSA: If you‘ve killed him, I swear I will– LEWIS: Will what? Fry my brain? Oh, wait! (Taps helmet) You can‘t! (Villainous laugh) I‘m so smart. (Lewis paces in a circle around Alyssa, keeping enough of a distance so she can‘t reach out and grab the helmet. He‘s more menacing than before.) LEWIS: So, Alyssa Henson, at last... ALYSSA: You‘re...You seem...different... LEWIS: Let‘s just say that last blast you dealt me cleared the cobwebs out of my brain. I‘ve been terribly inefficient in my efforts to conquer the world. I‘ve let distractions get in the way. I‘ve been too showy. Wasted too much time devising the most clever means of killing those three! But no more! (pause) Well, after one last indulgence, that is, as a thank you to the woman who has, however inadvertently, taught me the errors of my ways. ALYSSA: What are you going to do? (Lewis motions to Brad, who‘s still in a trance.) LEWIS: I was going to put your boyfriend through a series of four-dimensional torture sessions, but if that waste of a human being over there will cause you no pain, I‘m sure I can find a sufficient 83

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition substitute. Your parents, maybe? ALYSSA: Maybe not so different. You still need to get a life...

Dan Sherrier

LEWIS: I‘m talking! Now, with my vast resources, tracking down Mr. and Mrs. Henson should be child‘s play. Or maybe there‘s more to you than I initially suspected. Perhaps you secretly have a daughter somewhere I can teleport to your friends on Jupiter? Or maybe a son I can send back in time and feed to dinosaurs... (The lights suddenly go dark.) DANE: No! (The lights return, as Dane stands between Lewis and Alyssa, furious. An intensely bright light shines around him. Alyssa has to look away. Lewis is not bothered.) DANE: I won‘t allow it! (Dane jumps on Lewis, irate as he strangles him. The light around him dims. Lewis reaches for a device on his belt. Dane yanks it off and continues strangling. As the following line occurs, Lewis rips off Dane‘s mask in his struggles.) DANE: You‘re not getting away! You‘re not going to escape! You are especially not going to hurt innocent families! Do you realize what you and your kind have cost me? DO YOU? (Lewis is dead. Dane realizes this and is shocked at himself and stunned silent. Alyssa is stunned, and immediately remembers Kent. She rushes over to check on him.) ALYSSA: Kent! (Kent coughs as he wakes up and slowly stands.) KENT: I‘m fine. Telekinesis slowed the shot down just enough... ALYSSA: Whatever. As long as you‘re fine. Thank God.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition KENT: Yeah, just some bruises. (Alyssa turns to the frozen Miranda.) ALYSSA: And Miranda...Maybe...

Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa touches her head and concentrates. Miranda suddenly comes alive and mobile with a shot of pain in her head.) MIRANDA: OW! (Miranda is fully recovered and happy to be mobile.) MIRANDA Hey, I can move! Thanks! (Kent notices Dane and the dead Lewis. Dane is still stunned.) KENT What...? (Alyssa notices Brad coming out of his trance.) ALYSSA Brad. MIRANDA The jerk! (Brad, very groggy, comes to his senses. The first thing he sees is Alyssa with Miranda and Kent behind her.) BRAD: Wha...Where--? Alyssa? What the fuck? Miranda? ALYSSA Hello, Brad. (Brad has a sudden, severe headache.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition ALYSSA: You hit me. BRAD: Oww! Sorry! I‘m--AAAHHH!!!

Dan Sherrier

ALYSSA: No, you‘re not. So listen. You ever touch another woman like you touched me, this is what you‘re going to get. This, and lots, lots more. Now get out of my life. (Brad runs away as fast as he can, clutching his head in pain. Alyssa smiles.) MIRANDA: Well done. (Kent‘s attention returns to Dane and the dead Lewis. He walks over.) KENT: Um, Fanta–Uh, Dr. Reynolds... (Everyone turns to the despairing Dane, as he kneels by the body of Lewis.) DANE: Killed him...I...I just lost it...and I killed him... ALYSSA: It‘s okay. He just would‘ve-DANE: No. It‘s not okay. I killed him. KENT: Dr. Reynolds... DANE: Leave. All of you. Just leave... KENT: Dr. Reynolds, let‘s just-DANE: (very angry) I said--LEAVE! We‘re through! No more damn Terrifics! Go home and burn those costumes! You‘ll be doing yourself a favor. Now go!

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition (Alyssa, Kent, and Miranda are hesitant, but they leave.) ALYSSA: If you want to talk-DANE: Did you hear a word I said? Just shut up and get out of here! (They leave. Only Dane is left. He looks around the headquarters one last time.)

Dan Sherrier

DANE: Killed him. Just like that. Super-heroes don‘t kill. We don‘t. We are--We were the perfect people. We would save the world, and everyone would love us for it. Foolish. I let it all go wrong, everything, and now it‘s all gone...Because I‘m horrible...horrible person...Maggie thought--Even Jimmy thinks--No. No. (gaining in intensity) I‘m FantasticMan, and FantasticMan is not easily beaten! Do you hear me? No one stops FantasticMan! I‘ve ruined my life on this world, but I can go elsewhere! I can do that, you know! I can travel through the void of space unprotected! Nothing can touch me! Nothing! I can change into light, and nothing can ever get to me! Nothing...(stops to think for a moment, quieter)...I‘m right about that. Nothing can ever touch me again...(pause) I really did love you, Jimmy...Maggie...I tried...(pause, softly)...Sorry... (A bright light forms around Dane. Lights go down, and go right back up. Dane is gone, and the Terrific Trio headquarters is empty. After a few seconds, lights go down again.) FEMALE ANNOUNCER: ...anyone notice that flare that rose out of Terrific Trio headquarters? I think it‘s a safe bet that something is up, and FantasticMan is on the job! God bless that man...

Scene 6 (Lights go up on a mostly empty stage, as Alyssa, Kent, and Miranda enter, dressed in normal clothes. They take a seat on a bench, all looking very tired. Silence for a moment.) ALYSSA: What just happened? KENT: I think Dr. Death just destroyed the Terrifics. ALYSSA: Oh.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition (pause) MIRANDA: But are we done? ALYSSA: I am. I never wanted any part of this. KENT: But you enjoyed it. ALYSSA: Until I died.

Dan Sherrier

MIRANDA: But you got better. Listen, the bad guys are still out there--Well, except for Dr. Death--But the rest of them are, and someone has to beat them. ALYSSA: (as unambiguous as humanly possible) No. MIRANDA: Kent? KENT: What, now I‘m good enough for you? (pause) This isn‘t me. I‘m not AmazingMan. Never was. ALYSSA: Miranda, think about this...It‘s not good...Look at what happened to Dr. Reynolds. Just snapped, and-MIRANDA: I don‘t know anything else. (Miranda looks ashamed. Alyssa feels bad for her.) ALYSSA: Just...Just please be careful. MIRANDA: (feigning confidence) I‘m the World‘s Mightiest Woman. I‘ll be fine. (Miranda exits.) 88

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KENT: Don‘t worry about her. She‘ll manage. ALYSSA: Feel kind of bad for her, though... KENT: Me, too. (pause) I think I need to leave. The city, that is. I need to start over somewhere else...get some distance from all of this... (Alyssa takes holds of Kent‘s hand.) ALYSSA: Kent... KENT: Um, I‘m guessing you know about... ALYSSA: I do, and it‘s kind of flattering, actually. KENT: But you also know that that was in the past. You have nothing to worry about from me. ALYSSA: What makes you think I‘d be worried? KENT: Well, um... ALYSSA: Kent, you‘ve always sold yourself short. Just because Miranda thought she was too good for you back then, it doesn‘t mean every girl will. KENT: (v.o.) I like where this is going...I mean, um...crap... (Alyssa releases Kent‘s hand.) ALYSSA: I‘m making you uncomfortable.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition KENT: (v.o.) A bit. KENT: Um... ALYSSA: I heard it. (pause)

Dan Sherrier

KENT: Alyssa, I can‘t begin to tell you how highly I think of you. You were always my dream girl. Even more so than Miranda. Miranda was beautiful and seemed interesting, but…Alyssa, you‘re one of my favorite people. I absolutely love you. (pains him to say so) But then there‘s this whole mind-reading thing...I need my thoughts to be private, and I‘d feel constantly on guard around you... ALYSSA: (trying to hide disappointment) It‘s okay, Kent. I understa-CAB DRIVER: (v.o.) A gun! ALYSSA: Hold on...Over there... (A second pool of light shines elsewhere on the stage, showing the mugger holding up the cab driver. Kent and Alyssa notice.) MUGGER: Just hand it over, and-(The mugger, as if controlled by an unseen force, drops the gun, and his arms are pulled behind his back. He then gets a sudden, severe headache and passes out on the ground. The cab driver seizes the opportunity to call the police on his cell phone.) MUGGER: Agh! KENT: Yeah, we really needed costumes for that... (Kent and Alyssa stand.) 90

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KENT: So what are your plans? ALYSSA: Going to start looking for a new apartment...and a new job...I heard one of the local radio stations is hiring, might check into that... KENT: But no more dentist offices, right? ALYSSA: I would just as soon shoot myself. Wouldn‘t be much of a difference. KENT: Good for you. ALYSSA: Kent, I don‘t know how I would have made it through these past couple of weeks without you. KENT: And without you, I probably would have wound up like Reynolds somewhere down the line. Thank you, Alyssa. I owe you my life...in a way... ALYSSA: Then we‘re even. (Kent and Alyssa hug. Slowly, Alyssa and Kent start to kiss. It‘s brief but passionate.) KENT: (v.o.) She would be so good in b--(catches himself) KENT: Sorry. ALYSSA: Don‘t worry about it. Good luck with everything. KENT: Thanks. I‘ll see you around, Alyssa. Take care of yourself. ALYSSA: You, too, Kent.

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(Kent gives a classic super-hero smile. He walks away and leaps off-stage as if he‘s flying off. Alyssa looks up and watches him.) ALYSSA: (aside, satisfied) Flying was cool. (Lights go down. End.)

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―Why Shouldn‘t the Chicken Cross the Road?‖

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Characters: chicken Jest June Mickey Thelma

Dan Sherrier

politician door man 1 man2

(A person dressed in a big chicken suit walks straight across the stage. Once he or she is offstage, the audience hears the sound of a truck crashing into it.) chicken: SQUUUWWWAAAARRRRKKKK!!!!!

(Scene changes to show the conference room of Jokes Unlimited. Jack B. Jest is at the head of the table, presiding over the meeting. Mickey, June, and Thelma are seated around the table. Jest appears very professional. Mickey is very serious. June is crying. Thelma appears ice-cold, shifting back and forth between subtle insanity and stoicism, almost like a serial killer.) Jest: Our corporate symbol is dead. Last night at approximately 5:99 PM, the chicken was hit by a truck while crossing the road. Anyone who asks me why it was crossing the road will be fired without hesitation. That just would not be funny. June: Jest: Mickey: He was such a fine chicken. Or she. Whatever it was. I‘ll miss it... As will each and every one of us. It was a damn fine joke...in its day. In its day?

Jest: It suffered the inevitable fate of all jokes. It got old and frail. It was too common. Everyone knew it, and if everyone knows the punchline, then what good is telling the joke? Humor is about the unexpected! The shock value! The randomness! The great-googaliemoogalie I never saw that one coming! We here at Jokes Unlimited need something to give comedy a fresh jumpstart in a bold new direction! We need to find ourselves a new corporate symbol! A symbol of tomorrow! June: Jest: June: But...what about the chicken? What about the chicken, June? It was classic! You can‘t just cast it aside like that!

Mickey: Mr. Jest, I think I have to agree with June on this. The classic jokes are the very foundation upon which newer ones are-Jest: Thelma, what do you think? 94

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Thelma: Jest:

Mickey should suffer a slow, torturous death. About the chicken.

Thelma: The chicken is irrelevant in today‘s society. It should have suffered a slow, torturous death. It got out easy. Jest: June: here? Then I think it‘s settled. We‘ll set out at once to find the jokes of the future. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Whoa! What are you talking about

Jest: The future, June. The bright and glorious future...(almost sinister laugh)...heh, heh, heh...(resumes professionalism) Meeting adjourned. Have a splendiferous day. (Mickey, June, and Thelma rise from their seats—June appalled, Mickey suspicious, and Thelma indifferent. Jest and Thelma exit.) June: Mickey: June: Mickey: June: Mickey: June: Did you hear that??????? With my very own ears. Do you realize what this means??????? The implications are staggering. And the poor chicken... God rest its soul... What do you think Jest means by the jokes of the future?

(A politician walks on-stage and shakes their hands.) politician: Hi, I m Senator Sinner, and I‘m a joke. Pleasure to meet you.

June: (horrified) Mickey...no... Mickey: Heaven help us all...

politician: Or at least, I‘m applying to be a joke. I have an appointment with a Mr. Jack B. Jest. Do either of you fine, upstanding citizens know where I can find this gentleman?

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition (June storms off-stage, angry, and Mickey and the politician follow.) June: Right this way...

Dan Sherrier

Mickey: (to politician) Weren‘t you involved in that scandal with the-politician: Scandal? Well...It depends on what your definition of ―involved‖ is. Now, if you‘ll excuse me, I don‘t want to be late. (The politician exits. Mickey stands there, trying to restrain his anger.) Mickey: I can see it now. Every time I turn on the television, there will be entire monologues revolving around that same punchline...and people will laugh at it...every time...as if it were actually funny... (June runs back on stage and pushes Mickey across the stage, as he continues to talk.) Mickey: ...But it‘s not funny! Not funnier than an innocent fowl strolling across traffic for the sole and express purpose of getting to the other-(June shoves Mickey off and exits herself. Scene changes to show Thelma off to one side of the stage, sitting at a desk, typing something. Seated in a row, somewhat upstage, are at least a few people/objects. Among them could be: a person in a wheelchair, the Pope, a ditzy blonde woman, a toilet, a fat person, and/or an old man with a really obvious erection. At the end of the row is a bucket containing baby dolls, which are unseen at this point. June, Mickey, and the politician enter from the same side they left.) June: Thelma: I demand to see Jest! Demand denied.

(The politician shakes Thelma‘s hand. Mickey looks at the people/objects in the waiting area. He shows a look of deep concern.) politician: Mr. Jest. Hi, I‘m Senator Sinner. Pleasure to meet you. I have a 3:75 appointment with

(June notices the people waiting.) June: (quietly, to herself) This does not look good... Thelma: He will be along with you shortly. (motions to the bucket on the floor) You‘ll be going in after the occupants of the bucket. They shouldn‘t take long. They don‘t say much.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition June: What are--(looks into bucket, appalled) No!

Dan Sherrier

(Mickey walks over and pulls a baby doll out of the bucket. There‘s red all over the doll, as well as a slip of paper tied around its neck.) Mickey: (reads, disgusted) ―What s worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid? A trashcan lid in a...dead... baby.‖ (looks up, appalled) Dead baby jokes. politician: (summoning up fake tears) Is this what our nation has be-June: Make a speech and die.

politician: (motions to other side of stage) I‘ll just go wait over there. All the way over there. June: You do that.

(The politician walks off-stage. Mickey stares at the baby with a stern expression on his face.) Mickey: (spits the word) The future. (June gets in Thelma‘s face and acts very over-dramatical.) June: Don‘t you see what Jest is doing? He‘s ruining the integrity of jokes everywhere! Political jokes, dead baby jokes...What s next? Jokes about sex? Thelma: June: Actually, the handicapped are next. The handicapped?!?!?! Where will it end, Thelma?

(Thelma pulls out a bazooka and points it at Mickey and June.) Thelma: June: Thelma: June: I politely ask you to trust that Mr. Jest knows what he is doing. This isn‘t over! Are you the one holding a bazooka? This is over for now! But we‘ll be back!

(Mickey and June exit. Scene changes to show Mickey and June at the grave of the chicken. Mickey is kneeling, making a solemn vow. June stands behind him, heartbroken.) Mickey: Hello, chicken. This type of thing...it isn‘t easy for me...talking to a dead chicken. But I thought you should know. Your old boss, Mr. Jest...He thinks it‘s time to move on. He 97

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feels that you and your contemporaries have no place in today‘s society, but I beg to differ. You did have a place, and by all that‘s funny, I vow to do everything in my power to make sure Jest sees that. I won‘t let you down, old chum. (stands up, to June) I knew it well. A chicken of infinite...(can‘t bring himself to finish) June: (finishing) Jest. It just doesn‘t have the same meaning anymore, does it? Mickey: him. No. Jack B. Jest is going to bring shame to humor everywhere if we don‘t stop

June: But maybe we don‘t need to. The two men who walked into a bar, the turkey who crossed the road while the chicken was on vacation, and all the others...They‘re all still around. Maybe people won‘t like the new format of Jokes and-(A half-eaten door crashes down at the edge of the stage. This can either be just a door with an actor doing a voice-over, or it can be an actor in a door costume of some kind.) door: (in pain) Knock...knock... Mickey: Who‘s there?

(June sees the door, becomes concerned.) June: Mickey: The door! The door who?

door: (weakly) The door...who just got eaten...by termites! (Mickey and June rush over to the door. They prop it up, what‘s left of it.) June: Mickey: June: Mickey: June: It‘s not breathing! Is it supposed to? Now that you mention it, I don‘t know... It is a door. Not just any door! It‘s the door you knock on!

(Mickey talks a closer look at the door and realizes what she‘s talking about.) Mickey: Great Krypton! You‘re right! It is the door! 98

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(June turns to the door, kneels beside it.) June: Talk to us, door...Who did this to you? Who unleashed the termites?

door: (dying breath) Jjjjjeeeeeeessssssttttttt.... (June stands up, angry.) June: (with disgust) Jest. Mickey: That diabolical--!

(The door slips and falls over. June quickly props it up again.) Mickey: Two old jokes down in as many days! It can‘t be a coincidence!

(The door falls again. June props it back up, but it falls right back down.) Mickey: Let it go, June. There‘s nothing more we can do for this one.

(June looks at the fallen door, sad.) June: The bananas will be devastated...and the poor orange, too...

Mickey: Clearly, Jest is gunning for the old, wholesome jokes. He‘s not content to simply replace them--He wants them wiped-out! We need to figure out who his next target could be... June: The two men! It has to be them!

Mickey: The two men who walked into a bar...A very likely possibility...Quickly, June...To a bar! (They start to run off-stage. A long bar, suspended at about forehead-level, is wheeled on-stage. They run right into it.) Mickey & June: (They look around.) June: Mickey: go... No sign of the men... Looks like we hit the wrong bar...But I know of another one downtown. Let‘s OW!

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(They run off in the opposite direction, off-stage.) (Scene changes, as Jest is placing spikes along another bar. He‘s holding one of the dead babies. Jest looks around.) Jest: No one here...Guess I can drop the stuffy businessman facade. I‘m in the mood for a villainous rant...(suddenly laughs demonically) Ha, ha! My plan is brilliant! Genius! Infallible! (baby voice) Isn‘t it my little honey bunches? Yes, it is...Yes, it is! (villain voice) In mere moments, the two men will come strolling down the street...as they always do because that‘s what I pay them for...But this time...this time!...they won‘t merely be hitting a bar, oh, no...Rather, they will have the privilege of walking directly into—a bar with poison-tipped spikes! (sinister laugh) (The two men enter, with massive bandages and bruises around their foreheads as a result of years of hitting the bar. Jest ducks over in a corner of the stage and watches.) Man1: Man2: Swell day, ain‘t it? It sure is...

(Mickey and June leap on-stage and push the two men to the ground.) June: Man1: Mickey: Man2: Noooo!!!!! What? Stay away from the bar! The bar?

(Jest comes out of hiding. Everyone stands back up.) Jest: June: Mickey: Jest: Don‘t listen to them, men! Jest! You fiendish fiend! They‘re trying to ruin your punchline!

(The two men become angry.) June: Jest...You suck... 100

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(The two men hit Mickey and June from behind, knocking them to the ground. They lift them back up to their feet and restrain their arms. Jest walks over to the bar and acts appalled.) Jest: Man1: Mickey: Man2: Look at what they did to your bar! They spiked it! Not us! Jest did! Yeah, and why should we believe that, huh?

June: Because Jest was just sitting there watching as you were about to walk into it and kill yourselves, while we were the ones who actually pushed you both out of harm‘s way. Man1: Man2: That is a good point, there... It does make sense...

Jest: No! Don t let them hoodwink you with inane, sensible logic! You‘re jokes! You‘re above logic! Man1: Man2: June: Oh, trying to hoodwink us, were ya? We don‘t like being hoodwinked! You guys took a few too many hits to the head there...

Jest: Now wouldn‘t it be just hysterical if Mickey and June here befell the same fate they intended for the two of you? (snaps fingers) Thelma! (Thelma enters, carrying a bloody knife.) Thelma: Yes, Mr. Jest?

Jest: I think these two deserve a predictable, campy deathtrap. Would you care to oblige? My hands are a bit full with our new corporate symbol here. Thelma: Of course, sir.

Jest: (to baby) Aren‘t they, my sweetie? Yes, they are! Yes, they are! (to everyone else) Alright...Here‘s what we‘ll do...(motions to stage-right) Men, take the dastardly duo over to that edge of this stage we seem to have wandered onto, and Thelma, (motions to stage left) wheel the bar all the way over to that edge there. 101

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(They move to their respective positions. Thelma sets the knife down.) Jest: Now, Thelma, you will, at a dramatically gradual pace, walk the bar directly towards Mickey and June, stopping for nothing, not even snow, sleet, or hail...until they‘re dead, of course. Thelma: I‘ll get right on that, Mr. Jest.

(Thelma slowly, extremely slowly, walks the spiked bar across the stage, as Mickey and June struggle to free themselves, to no avail. The two men stand firm.) Mickey: Jest: You‘ll never get away with this, Jest! Oh, I‘m fairly positive I will.

June: (desperate plea) Men! Don‘t you see? Don‘t you see what he‘s holding? A dead baby, that‘s what! That‘s his vision of the future! Sick jokes about dead babies, politics, sex, and everything else devoid of taste! (The men are confused.) Men1: Men2: Dead... ...babies?

Jest: I don‘t know what he‘s talking about. This infant is perfectly healthy. It‘s more than healthy, in fact. It even flies. Look. (throws baby off-stage) Whhheeeeeee...!!!! June: You sick, twisted man!

Mickey: Jest, I‘m disappointed in you. Thoroughly disappointed. I thought you had a special understanding of humor, and you did...once upon a time...but somewhere along the way, you lost sight of what comedy truly is... June: Uh, Mickey? You better hurry it up there...She‘s getting kind of close...

Mickey: (talking fast) You say humor is about ―the unexpected, the shock-value, the randomness, the great-googalie-moogalie, I never saw that one coming!‖ But that‘s not all there is to it! Humor is entertainment, and entertainment is diversion, and diversion is escapism, and escapism is--Well, I completely lost my train of thought there because this is a stressful situation, but you know what I mean!

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Jest: Yeah. Gotcha. Sure. Now if you‘ll excuse me, I‘m going to go grab my baby. I‘d hate for someone else to get a hold of the little darling before I copyright it. (Jest quickly turns and starts to exit but slips up on Thelma‘s knife. He falls flat on his face.) Jest: Ow.

(The two men burst into laughter, and even Thelma chuckles a little; she stops pushing the bar as she does so. Mickey and June slip free.) June: A-ha!

(The two men look dumbfounded for a second. Thelma goes to help Jest to his feet.) Jest: Don‘t let them get away!

(Mickey and June glance at each other, and then quickly run around the stage and eventually off stage. The two men run after them, but right as they approach the edge of the stage, they are knocked down and out. Mickey and June re-enter, bringing on another, non-spiked bar. They look down at the two unconscious men.) Mickey: June: Never fails. Ouch. That‘s gonna leave a mark...

(Mickey and June approach Jest and Thelma.) June: Ooooohhhh...Look at the big, bad Mr. Jack B. Jest! Felled by the oldest joke in existence...Aaaaand I really didn‘t mean to make that pun there...Honest... Mickey: Alright, Jest. Let‘s finish this before things get even more ridiculous. Your brutes are out of the picture. It‘s just you and us. Jest: Ha! You‘ve only made my job that much easier! Thelma! Kill! Go strangle the men or something lethal like that! Quickly! Before they get up! Thelma: My pleasure, Mr. Jest.

(Thelma walks over toward the two men, but Mickey and June keep blocking her path. She tries to fake them out to get around them, almost like basketball-type maneuvers, but nothing works.) June: Not such hot stuff without your bazooka, are you?

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(Thelma hisses like a snake. Jest tries to run around them all, but Mickey blocks him. More blocking and faking out ensues as they speak.) Mickey: Why‘d you do it, Jest? Why‘d you kill the door and chicken?

(Jest stops moving, and everyone else also stops.) Jest: June: Jest: Thelma: June: Jest: Mickey: Jest: I did not kill anything. Did to. Did not. He did not. He did to. I did not. We‘ll be the judges of who did or did not do what. But I--

(Mickey gets up in Jest s face and scowls at him. Everyone stops.) Jest: You know, saying I killed the door is a bit too strong. More like I...was...having it remodeled...into something more like a bathroom door... (Thelma silently goes over to grab her knife. She‘s unnoticed.) June: Jest: bathroom. A bathroom door? Yes! It‘s actually a perfectly splendid idea. There‘s so much that goes on in the

(Meanwhile, Thelma has been sneaking around the back, with her knife, toward the men. June notices her at the last possible moment, when Thelma is standing above the two men, about to cut their heads off. June grabs her around the waist and pulls her away. They have a struggle in the background, as Mickey and Jest talk.) Jest: Think of the possibilities! For instance, if you‘re an American in the kitchen, then what are you in the bathroom? European!

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(Mickey raises an eyebrow, as if he‘s completely perplexed that anyone would find that funny. In the background, Thelma has lost the knife, and she and June are now fighting more like men than women. Mickey and Jest continue their conversation; both are dead serious now.) Mickey: Jest: Mickey: Jest: How about this, Jest...How did the chicken cross the road? Don‘t you mean why? I mean how. All right, Mickey. How did the chicken cross the road?

(Mickey crouches down and runs back and forth across the stage, making chicken sounds. He stops, resumes seriousness, stands up, and addresses Jest, who stands frozen in shock.) Mickey: Something like that.

(Jest gradually breaks into strong laughter, despite his best efforts not to. Eventually, he‘s rolling around the floor, laughing. Mickey gets down on one knee to speak to him. He really gets in his face.) Mickey: I-Did I have to insult anyone to bring you to this? Did I have to be offensive? Did

(June and Thelma, with their hands on each other‘s throats, fall on top of Mickey and Jest.) June: Excuse us.

(Thelma gathers her strength and leaps on top of June. They roll over a few times and roll offstage. Mickey and Jest casually get back to their feet.) Mickey: Now where were we?

(June cries out in pain from off-stage.) Jest: I think you were saying something about how you had to say something offensive to get me to laugh. (A moan from Thelma is heard.) Mickey: No, that wasn‘t it at all.

June: (off-stage) Damn you! Why won‘t you stay down???? What manner of creature are you?????? 105

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Mickey:

Confound it, why can‘t I remember what I was saying?

Thelma: (off-stage) Die! Die! Die! (The two men start to wake up, gradually.) Jest: Well, why you think about that, I‘m going to--

(Mickey grabs Jest by the shoulder to keep him from going anywhere. A large thud is heard from off-stage.) Mickey: To what? Kill the two men?

(The two men rise to their feet. Mickey notices them. Jest does not.) Jest: I was going to make it quick.

(The two men get directly behind Jest.) man1: man2: Jest: Mickey: Jest: Oh, were ya? Mighty considerate of you. Fu-Language, Mr. Jest. --ck.

(The two men lift Jest off the ground.) man1: man2: Let‘s go have us a little chat, Mr. Jest, sir. Yeah, a nice, long chat.

(They start to carry Jest off stage left. Mickey watches with a slight smirk on his face.) Jest: Guys, guys, it was just a joke! A joke! Not a very funny one, I admit, but I knew you guys were--(off-stage by now at the latest) Uh, guys? Guys!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!! Mickey: Those two may be a tad dense at times, but they‘ve got it where it counts...

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(A loud, long scream from Thelma is heard. It almost sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West melting. June walks back on-stage from stage right and looks like she‘s been through hell.) Mickey: June: Mickey: So how‘s Thelma? Taken care of. Excellent. That was swell work, June.

(Thelma‘s hand reaches onstage from under the curtain. June steps on it, and it recoils.) June: Mickey: June: Jest...? The two men came through in the end. Everything‘s taken care of. Good.

(Thelma‘s hand reaches on once again. June steps on it again.) June: Mickey: June: Are we done with this thing yet? You know what, June? I think we are. Good.

(Mickey and June stare at the audience a second, kind of confused.) June: Mickey: June: Mickey: What are they staring at? I don‘t know. They‘re kind of freaking me out. I say we get out of here. Good idea, June.

(They start to walk toward stage right, but then Thelma‘s hand reaches out once again. June sees it and stops.) June: Mickey: Maybe we should go the other way. Alright then. The other way it is.

(They start to walk toward stage left, but then Jest is thrown out on-stage. He falls to the ground.) 107

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Jest:

Help me! I beg of you! Hel--

(The two men‘s hands grab him by the ankles and drag him back off. Jest screams a few times.) June: Mickey: June: Umm... This is beginning to get especially anticlimactic. Yeah...We need something to end this...But I‘m not sure what...

(Just then, a bomb is rolled on-stage.) June: Mickey: June: Mickey! A bomb! The worst nightmare of humor everywhere... We can‘t let it go off!

Mickey: I‘m afraid we have no choice. Every once in a while, no matter how hard you try, you can‘t help but stumble across a bomb. June: Mickey: Then what can we do? We can get out while we‘re still ahead. This way, June!

(Mickey starts running through the audience and out the exit. June follows.) June: Works for me.

(As the bomb sits there, Thelma enters again, looking weary but not yet beaten.) Thelma: This...isn‘t over...yet... (notices bomb) Oh. Apparently it is. Damn.

(Lights go down. Sound of bomb exploding.)

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―Sweet Dreams‖

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Characters: Ralph Nightmare Addie Nikki

Dan Sherrier

(Lights up in a small apartment, as Ralph sketches at his drawing board, looking like he‘s having a difficult time staying awake. There‘s just a small light on around Ralph, and the rest of the apartment is fairly dark. He notices something out his window.) Ralph: Did the moon just explode? No, no, still there...

(Ralph rubs his hands over his face and lightly slaps himself a few times. He resumes drawing. A shadowy Nightmare lurks around in a darkened portion of the stage. Ralph, thinking he heard something, nervously turns toward it. While turning, he almost falls off his stool and barely catches himself. He takes a deep breath and tries to draw again. Addie enters and turns the lights on, so the stage is fully lit. This startles Ralph and causes him to slip off his chair. Addie appears calmly frustrated with Ralph.) Addie: Have you still not slept yet?

(Ralph climbs back up to his stool.) Ralph: Addie: Ralph: Addie: Ralph: Accidentally fell asleep for a few minutes... Ralph. It‘s been nearly a week. You need to go to sleep. I can‘t... You look like you very easily could. No, I really can‘t.

(Pause, as Addie is at a loss.) Addie: Ralph: Addie: Ralph: I do not get you. Addie, I need to get this done... You can barely hold the pencil. Look at you. Your hand‘s shaking. No it‘s not.

(Addie walks over to Ralph and looks over his shoulder at his drawing. She cringes.) 110

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Addie:

You definitely need to get some rest.

(Addie begins to leave but then stops.) Addie: Wait, didn‘t you say you were having some friend come over tonight?

(Ralph suddenly remembers and looks like he wants to hit himself.) Ralph: You‘re right. I did. I am. (Looks at watch) Soon. Thought today was Thursday but guess it‘s Friday. Addie: Ralph: week? It is Friday. What happened to Wednesday? Don‘t remember...Did we skip Wednesday this

(Addie grabs Ralph by the arm.) Addie: That‘s it. I don‘t care what plans you had. It‘s time for bed.

(Sound of cell-phone ringing. Addie checks her purse and looks at phone.) Addie: Agh. I have to answer this. (Leaving, getting ready to talk on phone) Go to bed!

(Addie exits. Ralph ignores her and resumes drawing. He blinks repeatedly, struggling to stay awake. The Nightmare returns and creeps up behind Ralph. The Nightmare should be dressed in dark, long, loose, clothing with spiders dangling off his arms on webs. His face should not be pleasant.) Nightmare: (sing-song) Raaaalph... (Ralph perks up, scared for his life. He remains perfectly still, as the Nightmare stands directly behind him with a sadistic smile on his face.) Ralph: No. I‘m still awake. Still awake...

(Ralph runs over to the kitchen area and grabs some coffee from a pot. He drinks rather quickly.) Ralph: See. Awake. Very awake.

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(The Nightmare drifts away, still smiling. The doorbell rings. Ralph is startled for a brief second. He regains his composure and answers the door. Nikki, a somewhat geeky girl, is at the door, dressed casually but nicely. She smiles brightly, happy to see Ralph.) Nikki: Ralph: Hey, Ralph! Nikki. Good to see you. Come on in.

(Nikki enters and notices Ralph‘s dilapidated appearance.) Nikki: Ralph: Are you okay? You look a little out of it... Oh, I‘m fine. Just had a rough time sleeping the past few nights. That‘s all.

Nikki: Yeah, I know how that is. I was up all last night reading this fascinating article about black holes and gravitational waves. (Nikki crosses over to drawing table. She looks at it, not sure what to make of it, but she tries to be polite.) Nikki: Ralph: Nikki: Ralph: Nikki: Um, nice drawing. Thanks. It‘s very, um, expressive. Would you like some coffee? I would love some coffee.

(Nikki walks back over to Ralph and takes a cup.) Ralph: Sorry, I meant to have dinner all cooked and ready to go, but I‘ve been sidetracked with this new assignment. Nikki: Ralph: Nikki: Oh, it‘s fine. I‘m not that hungry anyway. But I have made lots of coffee. Which is never a bad thing.

(Ralph pours himself another cup of coffee.) Ralph: So what was this article you were reading? 112

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Nikki: (really into her science) Oh, it was finding a link between black holes and gravitational waves, suggesting that perhaps, since the waves aren‘t altered when they pass through solid matter...well, I mean, they aren‘t altered per se, but they do fluctuate a tiny bit as they get further from their source, but it‘s really negligible in the vast scheme of things. But anyway, since they aren‘t affected by solid matter, whereas something like, say, electromagnetic radiation is, we can use the gravitational waves to— (Ralph collapses and quickly gets back to his feet. Nikki quickly rushes over to him, concerned.) Ralph: Nikki: Ralph: I‘m fine! Are you sure? What happened? Just fell asleep for a second there...

(Ralph realizes what he just said and wants to take it back. Nikki seems a little hurt.) Nikki: Ralph: Nikki: Ralph: Nikki: Was I boring you? Oh, no no no. It‘s you, not me. I mean it‘s you, not me. I mean it‘s me, not you! Really? Sleepless nights are catching up with me, that‘s all. I can go if you need to get some rest...

Ralph: No! Please, stay. What was that you were saying something about electromagnetic radiation? (The Nightmare re-enters and slowly walks toward Ralph, who sees him almost immediately and becomes very scared but tries to hide it.) Nikki: I was talking about gravitational fields, not electromagnetic radiation, well, except to say that gravitational fields may be more useful than electromagnetic radiation because unlike e.m. radiation, g-fields can—Ralph, are you listening? Ralph: Nikki: Ralph: I‘m awake. I see that. I mean, yeah, I‘m listening.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Nikki: I think I better get going...

Dan Sherrier

(Ralph grabs Nikki by the shoulders.) Ralph: No! Don‘t go!

(Nikki is a bit concerned and nervous.) Nikki: Ralph: Oh, look, my cell phone‘s ringing. I don‘t hear—

Nikki: It‘s on vibrate. (Making her way toward the door) Really gotta go and take this one. Thanks for the coffee! Bye! (Nikki quickly disappears through the door. The Nightmare approaches Ralph.) Nightmare: Ralph: Hello, Ralphie. I‘m awake, dammit! I‘m awake!

(The Nightmare holds out an arm toward Ralph, causing the dangling spiders to get a little too close to Ralph for his comfort.) Ralph: I said I‘m awake!

(Ralph kicks the Nightmare away. The Nightmare calmly exits. Addie enters and notices Ralph drinking coffee. She appears frustrated with him.) Addie: Ralph: Addie: Have you still not slept yet? Accidentally fell asleep for a few minutes... Ralph. It‘s been nearly a week. You need to sleep.

(Ralph stops for a moment.) Ralph: Addie: Ralph: Addie: Wait. We just had this conversation. Like a few minutes ago. I just got home. Weirdest deja vu... I promise you. Just now pulled up into the parking lot. 114

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Ralph: Addie: Ralph: hers? Addie: Ralph: Addie:

No, no, you were here...You came in...You turned the lights on... Get some sleep, Ralph. Your phone rang, and you left to answer it, or was that Nikki who left to answer Who‘s Nikki? I told you about her, didn‘t I? No.

(Ralph drinks some more coffee. Addie takes the cup away from him.) Addie: Okay. I‘ve had enough of this. I don‘t know what your problem is, but I‘ve stopped caring. You‘re going to bed. Now. Ralph: I‘m not going to bed.

(Addie gets very close to him and is suddenly seductive.) Addie: Ralph: What if I joined you there? What?

(Addie suddenly drops the seductive demeanor as if she never had it.) Addie: I said you are going to bed even if I have to beat you over the head and drag you there myself. Ralph: But if I…if I…

(Addie takes out a big butcher‘s knife from her coat. She doesn‘t even seem to notice she has it.) Addie: Ralph: If you what? What‘s so frightening about going to bed? Nothing...Just...Just please put the knife down...

(Addie swings the knife through the air as she speaks.) Addie: What knife? What are you talking about?

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(Addie walks very close to Ralph, still swinging the knife through air, sometimes dangerously close to Ralph.) Ralph: Addie: That‘s really not necessary, Addie... Are you going crazy or something?

(The Nightmare taps Ralph on the shoulder from behind. Ralph quickly turns around and lets out a slight yelp at the sight of the Nightmare.) Nightmare: Good evening, Ralph-O.

(Addie calmly walks away and exits, as Nikki walks back on and resumes talking as if she never left. Ralph has no idea what‘s going on.) Nikki: …Except to say that gravitational fields may be more useful than electromagnetic radiation because unlike e.m. radiation, g-waves can be used to pinpoint the precise location of black holes and possibly even the…Ralph, is something bothering you? (The Nightmare continues to stand behind Ralph, dangling spiders around him. Meanwhile, Addie re-enters, carrying a dummy with a bloody knife stuck in it. During the following dialogue, she shoves the dummy into a tall garbage can and exits, which is a somewhat quick process.) Ralph: Of course not.

Nikki: If you say so. Anyway, black holes are tricky business because they distort everything that comes into contact with them, but these scientists were figuring that maybe if we throw these g-waves at them…Are you sure nothing‘s wrong? Ralph: Nikki: Ralph: Nikki: Ralph: Nikki: No, I‘m not sure. ...Do you want to talk about it? Didn‘t you just leave to answer your cell phone? No. Haven‘t left. Right, that was Addie whose phone rang. You‘re right, sorry. You seem really tense.

(Tentacles pop out of Nikki‘s sleeves.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Nikki: Ralph: I could give you a massage... No!

Dan Sherrier

Nikki: (weakly) Okay. It‘s no big deal... Ralph: Nikki: I mean, I appreciate the, um, offer... Excuse me a second…

(Nikki reaches inside her shirt and pulls out a small, stuffed alien doll from her stomach. She talks to it.) Nikki: Will you stop all that kicking? You‘re giving me a stomach ache.

(Nikki shoves the alien doll back into her stomach. Ralph looks horrified.) Nikki: Ralph? You‘re looking at me like I just pulled a baby alien out of my womb and shoved it back in. Ralph: Um, no, of course not. I‘m sure you would never pull a baby alien out of your womb. I know you‘re not that type of girl. (Nikki laughs.) Nikki: You‘re so funny.

(Ralph laughs uncomfortably, as Nikki approaches him, still with her tentacles hanging out of her sleeves. The Nightmare is still behind him.) Ralph: I do my best.

(Nikki puts a tentacle around Ralph.) Nikki: Ralph: You sure you don‘t want that massage? You look like you could use it... I‘m, um, good. Actually, I‘m really not feeling well. I hate to kick you out, but…

(Nikki runs off-stage while Ralph is in mid-sentence, leaving him perplexed. The Nightmare walks over to the drawing table and admires the drawing.) Nightmare: Beautiful.

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Dan Sherrier

(The Nightmare wanders away from the table. Ralph rushes back over to the drawing table to see what he had drawn. He‘s horrified at what he did.) Ralph: What...

(Ralph picks up the paper and begins ripping into many pieces. He tries to shove the paper into the garbage can, but the dummy body gets in the way. Addie runs back on stage, with her knife. She rushes straight at Ralph, as if she‘s about to slice his head off.) Ralph: Aaahhh!!!!!

(Addie abruptly stops immediately before cutting Ralph. She drops the knife to the floor and acts perfectly natural. She grabs his arms and begins dragging him across the stage.) Addie: Ralph: So to bed...Now...Come on... What...Wha...Oh, okay...(realizing)...No...No...not there...

(Ralph roughly breaks away from Addie and accidentally bumps into the Nightmare.) Nightmare: Addie: Ralph: Nightmare: Ralph: Nightmare: Addie: Ralph: Addie: Nightmare: Ralph: Addie: Howdy, Ralph. What‘s it going take to get you into bed? What? I dare you to go to sleep. I can‘t. I‘ll...I‘ll... I know. It‘ll be fun... Ralph? Bed? With me? With you? What? No! Not with me! Surrender, Ralph. I thought you said... You‘re crazy.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Nightmare: (singing) Hush little Ralphie, don‘t say a word... (Nikki re-enters, holding a baby alien and feeding it a bottle.) Nikki: Nightmare: Ralph, it‘s time to put Ralphie, Jr., to sleep. Good night, Ralph.

Dan Sherrier

(Ralph collapses. Lights down.)

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

―Meet My Mind‖

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

Characters: Alyssa Skyler ensemble--statue, penguin waiter, dolphin, Teddy, many college students, young man, male OA, female OA, officer, students1-4, bathrobe guy, male porn voice, female porn voice, young woman, middle-aged woman, manager, many nightmarish demons, patient, elephant, Pam, Cam, Sam, big hulking monster, lots of arms, chicken Setting for Scene 1: the den of an old gothic mansion with a few surrealist touches; includes a fireplace and bizarre furniture and statues. Setting for Scene 2: a comfortable white bedroom, with a big white bed.

Scene 1: (Lights up on a room that looks like it belongs in an old gothic mansion, with a few surrealist touches. Alyssa enters and looks around, curious and cautious. In the opposite direction should be a large, sealed door. In the background are a fireplace, a person dressed as and acting like a statue, and a couple of large chairs turned away from the audience. One of the large, comfy chairs spins around, revealing Skyler. He‘s dressed in a bathrobe, looks very relaxed, and is surprised yet happy to see Alyssa.) Skyler: Alyssa. This is a surprise.

(Alyssa smiles weakly.) Alyssa: Skyler: Hey, Sky... Can I get you anything?

(Alyssa continues to look around, as if searching for something specific.) Alyssa: Skyler: Um, no, thanks. Uh...nice mansion. Yeah, always wanted one of these.

(A penguin enters, serving Skyler a glass of wine.) Skyler: Alyssa: Thank you. (penguin exits) Sure I can‘t get you anything? I‘m good.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Skyler: At least have a seat.

Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa turns a large chair around--one similar to Skyler‘s, except that hers has a very threatening face painted on it.) Alyssa: I think I‘ll stand.

(Alyssa seems uncomfortable, as if unsure what to do.) Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: love? It‘s really good to see you, Alyssa. It‘s been, what, over a year now? Two? Yeah. Not since college. Wish it were under better circumstances. Better--? Everything‘s great! (spins around in chair as he talks) What‘s not to

(A dolphin swims across the stage, sliding across the ground.) Skyler: All so simple now...Way it should be...

(Alyssa notices the large door.) Alyssa: Sky, can I see what‘s in that room there?

(A large bear, Teddy, walks in--on two legs--and stands in front of the door, arms crossed, much as a bouncer would.) Skyler: Alyssa: Don‘t think Teddy wants you to go in. Teddy--?

Skyler: Oh, you‘ve probably never met Teddy. Guess not, beings as I was like four when I had him. Alyssa, Teddy. Teddy, Alyssa. (Teddy waves nicely to Alyssa and then resumes crossing arms. Skyler motions to a small stool nearby.) Skyler: Come on. Take a seat. You‘re making me nervous here.

(Alyssa inspects the stool to make sure it‘s normal. She sits on it.) Skyler: So, what‘ve you been up to lately? Didn‘t you say you were going to work for some dentist or something?

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Alyssa: station...

Dan Sherrier

I was. But that...didn‘t turn out so well. I‘ve actually been working for a radio

(Alyssa notices some wormy creatures--which sort of look like elephant trunks--coming down the fireplace behind her.) Skyler: Cool. Always knew the dentist thing wasn‘t for you. Glad to hear you got the hell out of it. Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Yeah...Me, too... You don‘t seem well. Something‘s bothering you. Oh, no, I‘m fine...

Skyler: Alyssaaaa...I know you better than that. You‘re not yourself. (drifting off) Always so full of life...the life of the party...And about three of those per weekend... Alyssa: Skyler: Oh, God, that was so long ago... You sound like you‘re getting old or something.

Alyssa: You have no idea what I‘ve been through since graduation. Trust me. No idea. Let‘s just say--crowds--Crowds seem a lot louder than they used to. (Pause, as the dolphin swims back in the opposite direction.) Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: You‘re lonely, aren‘t you? Sky, this isn‘t about me. I came here because you need my help. I do? Yes.

Skyler: Don‘t you remember me telling you how good I‘m doing? That was me talking. Just a minute ago. Promise. Alyssa: Can I just take a little peek behind that door?

(Teddy scowls and hisses.) Skyler: No. Everything is fine how it is.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition (Alyssa loses her calm.) Alyssa: No, it‘s not! You‘re in a damn coma, Sky!

Dan Sherrier

Skyler:(dismissive) Coma? No... Alyssa: Yes! I came into your head so I could pull you out, and dammit, I am not leaving here without you! Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Dying! Came in how? With my, um, telepathy. You‘re a mind-reader? Awesome. Yes. Have you always been a mind-reader? No. It‘s a long story. I got time. No! You do not have time! You are not dying on me, do you understand? Not!

(Alyssa grabs Skyler‘s arm.) Alyssa: Skyler: We‘re leaving. No friend of mine dies if I can help it. And why is that your choice?

Alyssa: (stern) We‘re leaving. (Alyssa pulls Skyler off the chair.) Skyler: Alyssa: Hey! You can‘t do this! I can, and I am.

(Teddy walks up to Alyssa and stands directly behind her. Alyssa looks up at him.) Alyssa: Oh, f--

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(Teddy slaps Alyssa across her face, knocking her to the ground. Skyler runs away, exiting through the large door.) Alyssa: Agh...I suck...

(Teddy prepares another attack. Alyssa rolls out of the way and gets to her feet.) Alyssa: Teddy: (Alyssa sighs.) Alyssa: Talks. Of course it talks... Watch it, bear. Oh, that a threat, Missy?

(The statue grabs Alyssa from behind.) Alyssa: Hey. Hey! Sky! Your house is trying to kill me! Sky!

(The statue tries to shove Alyssa into the fireplace. She resists by pressing her feet against the wall. The worm creatures poke at her legs, creeping her out. Skyler emerges from the large door and lets out a crowd of loud, partying college students.) Alyssa: Let go, dammit!

(Alyssa slips away from the statue and tries to swim through the crowd toward the door, as Skyler locks it behind him. He approaches her.) Skyler: Is this better? Thought you‘d be more comfortable here. I realize this creepy mansion can be a little off-putting, what with the dolphin and everything– Alyssa: Sky...

Skyler: –But this is how you like it, right? Come on, Alyssa. Have a beer or two or five and start drinking all your troubles away. We had some of our best times that way, remember? Alyssa: Skyler: Sky... Maybe I just need to remind you...

(Skyler begins dancing with random party people. Alyssa just watches, as she tries to figure out what she should do.) Skyler: Alyssa! What‘s your problem? 125

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(Skyler begins dancing with Alyssa, who is unresponsive.) Skyler: Get into it. Come on. It‘s like you‘re dead inside. What‘s wrong, huh? Where‘s the Alyssa Henson I used to know? Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Where‘s the old Skyler Sharp I used to know? Right in front of you. Dancing? No. Not exactly.

(Skyler stops dancing for a moment.) Skyler: You‘re right. Sorry. He‘s here--I‘m here. It‘s just...Well, passage of time plus a little bit of damage from the accident, and well, yeah, I‘m not really the me you remember. Not exactly. But I‘m trying. I can be. You can help me remember. Alyssa: I‘m not asking you to go back. Just making a point. I‘ve grown. You‘ve grown. We‘re both a little different from what we remember. And this kind of thing--It‘s not me anymore. (A young man from the crowd steps forward.) Skyler: Remember this guy? Can‘t think of his name, but you thought he was so hot. And look. Here he is. I thought him up just for you. (The young man gently kisses Alyssa, who calmly pulls away.) Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: It‘s not real. You saying my mind isn't real? No, just that these are thoughts inside you, and– This is all I need! Calm down, Sky...

(The crowd begins to run off in various directions. Skyler‘s anger increases.) Skyler: No!

(Skyler calms down. Teddy gives him a hug.) 126

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Skyler:

I‘m sorry. Don‘t know what came over me there.

(Skyler pats Teddy on the shoulder, and Teddy releases and exits.) Skyler: Getting harder to hold it together. Best not to excite me like that. (getting delirious) Let‘s...Let‘s think about the good old days, the good old days, everyone‘s talking about the good old days... Alyssa: Maybe you should, uh, sit down? Maybe?

Skyler: (defensive) I‘ll stand, thank you. I am perfectly fine. Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: As you keep reminding me. Because it‘s true! Okay! Okay, let‘s talk about the good old days, if that‘s what you want. Remember last day of classes, junior year? Um, can we not talk about that one-We got soooo drunk. What happened was inevitable, really-How about orientation? When we first met...At that mixer... Oh, yeah...Freshmen orientation...Funny...

(Lights shift slightly. A crowd of college students come on stage, the guys on one side and the girls on the other, with a couple of orientation aides on each side. Alyssa and Skyler go to the appropriate sides.) male O.A.: Alright, guys, here are some girls. Go talk to them.

female O.A.: Girls, here are some boys. Be careful. (The guys and girls approach each other and pair off. Alyssa and Skyler run into each other. It‘s kind of awkward.) Skyler: Alyssa: Uh, hey. Hi. I‘m Alyssa.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Sky. Sky? My name. Is Sky. Oh! Oh, right. Sky. Like Skyler.

Dan Sherrier

Skyler: Right. Skyler. That would be my actual name. I just have this thing with ―ler.‖ So I tend to ignore it. Alyssa: Skyler: I see. You discriminate against ―lers.‖ Yeah. I‘m a bastard like that.

(awkward pause) Skyler: Alyssa: So, uh, where ya from? Little town called Goodeville. Right outside Olympus City.

Skyler: Oh. Yeah. I‘ve been there. To Goodeville. Saw the sights and sounds. Took me like five minutes. (Alyssa smiles.) Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Yeah. That‘s Goodeville. Um, and you? Where are you from? Farmville. Ah. Lot of farms there? You did not just make that joke. Sorry. It‘s okay. You delivered it much better than the last five girls.

(awkward pause.) Skyler: So is it just me, or does this feel like some great huge mating experiment?

Alyssa: (looking around at everyone mingling) Yeah. Kind of does.

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Skyler: But what percentage of these people is actually going to hook up here and now? And for that matter, what percentage of ―couples‖ here is ever even going to see each other after orientation is over? Alyssa: I‘m thinking not much.

Skyler: And I‘m thinking you might be right. But you know, I‘ve never really been one to go with the crowd. Maybe we could eat lunch together tomorrow. Alyssa: Skyler: OA‘s. Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: We‘d be quite the rebels then, wouldn‘t we? We would. Especially because we‘d have to slip away from our hallmates and

Oooh. Could be tricky. I‘m thinking we can handle it though. I‘m thinking so, too.

(Lights shift back. The crowd disperses and exits. Skyler starts laughing at himself. Alyssa smiles.) Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Oh, God. I had forgotten about that. Mating experiment? What was I thinking? You were eighteen. It was cute. Mostly. And then there was lunch...

(Lights shift, and Skyler and Alyssa sit at a table Teddy brings on.) Alyssa: (disbelief) You hate Halloween? Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Yeah. Blasphemy! Sorry. How--What--I mean--It‘s Halloween! And therein lies the problem.

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Alyssa: But it‘s fun! We dress up in ridiculous clothing! And as kids, we could beg for free candy! Free candy! But we‘re too old for that, so now we just have scandalous parties in scary outfits. What‘s not to love? Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Ridiculous clothing, kids begging for candy, and scandalous parties. Wait, now you don‘t like parties? I do...Once in a while... In a while? Like every few months or so. We‘ll have to work on that. You trying to corrupt me?

Alyssa: It‘s what I do best. When I‘m through with you, you will have learned to love parties. And Halloween. Skyler: Parties, maybe. Halloween...We‘ll see.

(Lights shift back to normal. The dolphin slides across the stage. It stops by Skyler, who takes a moment to pet it.) Skyler: I was like bashing your whole way of life. I‘m surprised you didn‘t run away from me then and there. (to dolphin, as if talking to a young child) Aren‘t you the cutest little dolphin? Yes you are! Yes you are! (Alyssa tries to ignore the dolphin and simply ploughs on forward with the conversation. The dolphin swims away.) Alyssa: Skyler: I‘m glad I didn‘t. If not for you, I might‘ve gotten arrested that one time. Yeah...At the beach...

(Lights shift back. Several other college students enter and sit around. One carries a cooler full of beer. Alyssa grabs a bottle and takes a seat. A police officer with a flashlight enters, shining the light at various students.) officer: Excuse me. That wouldn‘t be alcohol, would it? You do know that it‘s illegal to have alcohol on county property.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition student1: officer: student2: Oh, we‘re sorry. We didn‘t even realize... It‘s okay. I just have to ask that you dump it all in the water. All of it?

Dan Sherrier

officer: Every last drop. Trust me, you‘re getting off easy. I could fine each and every one of you, but I‘m not. (The officer shines his flashlight at a few random students.) officer: student3: You don‘t all look 21 to me. (shines light at a student) You been drinking yet? No, sir.

officer: (shining at another student) You had anything to drink? student4: No, officer.

(The officer shines his flashlight at an obviously drunk young guy in a pink bathrobe who pantomimes building a sandcastle.) officer: You?

bathrobe guy: I‘m just building a sandcastle. (The officer shines his flashlight at Alyssa, who unconsciously has a hand on a beer bottle.) officer: Alyssa: officer: Alyssa: Skyler: Young lady, are you 21? Um...no. Is that your alcohol you‘ve got there? Um....Y-That‘s mine, sir. I‘m sorry.

(Skyler quickly grabs the beer.) Skyler: officer: She was just holding it for me for a second. Are you 21?

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Skyler: Absolutely. Here‘s my ID…

Dan Sherrier

(Skyler reaches for wallet, as lights shift back to normal, and everyone but Alyssa and Skyler exits. Alyssa cringes at herself.) Alyssa: I was so stupid. Just had to have my hand on the bottle, didn‘t I?

Skyler: Well, the cop took us all by surprise there. (pause) And I just love how you thanked me for that...Introducing me to...you know... Alyssa: What? Oh--Oh! (laughs) I forgot about that...You were more entertaining than the porn. It was great... (A few college students enter with a couch. Skyler sits in the middle of it with a couple of others, all of whom face straight ahead, covering their eyes and cringing. Alyssa and a couple of others sit around them, looking forward without any pain.) male porn voice: Hi there, baby. female porn voice: My, my, look what we have here... Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Agh! What, you‘ve never seen that before? Not his!

(The others on the couch continue to cringe. Skyler is practically in the fetal position. He looks at the TV for a second and then abruptly covers his eyes. Alyssa is thoroughly amused.) Skyler: Oh, God!!!

(Skyler and Alyssa stand up. The others drag the couch off and all exit.) Skyler: Can‘t believe you made me watch porn.

Alyssa: Hey, I didn‘t make you. I told you we were going to be watching porn, and you were all like, ―I‘ve never watched porn before. I should give it a shot.‖ Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: I said no such thing. It was completely voluntary. Maybe it was. But it was still torture. 132

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Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa:

We were simply watching natural biological functions. Of other people! You enjoyed it. You know it. Never. Liar.

(Skyler smiles.) Skyler: I‘m glad you stopped by. It was starting to get kind of lonely around here.

Alyssa: You don‘t have to be lonely. I can take you out of here, and you won‘t ever have to be lonely again. You just have to let me-Skyler: Ohhhh, no...Not going where you want to take me. You know what I‘ve had to do since graduation? Here. Look. (Teddy wheels on a counter with a couple of cash registers. Skyler stands behind it.) Skyler: My job as a human bull‘s-eye. Now, you would assume that working the refund counter would be much more luxurious than mere cashiering. After all, I now have this spacious desk to stand behind as opposed to a simple tiny register. But then there are the customers--oh, I‘m sorry. Patrons. We‘re supposed to call them patrons, because people who come into a retail store with the intent of purchasing things may take offense at being called customers. So they‘re patrons. (A young woman approaches the counter.) Skyler: Hi, how are you?

young woman: I have a problem. (The young woman places a steering wheel cover on the counter.) young woman: I just got this as a birthday present, so I don‘t have a receipt, but I need to return it. I can do that, right? Skyler: That should be fine. I‘ll just have to give it to you at the lowest selling price.

young woman: Okay. 133

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(Skyler searches the wheel cover for the barcode and can‘t find it.) Skyler: Um, I‘m sorry, just having some trouble finding the bar code here...

young woman: I don‘t have the box. Skyler: Well, in that case, can you please go grab another one off the shelf that‘s just like this one, so I can scan it? young woman: Okay, sure! I‘ll be right back. (The young woman exits, and a very unpleasant middle-aged woman enters with a big box that she throws down on the counter.) middle-aged woman: I want to return this. Skyler: Okay. Do you have a receipt?

middle-aged woman: (looking at him like he has three heads) No. Skyler: (to Alyssa) So how the hell does she expect me to return this? (to woman) Ma‘am, we‘re only allowed to process returns without a receipt up to a certain dollar amount, and this item more than exceeds that amount. middle-aged woman: You telling me I can‘t return this? Young man, I paid good money for this, and you better be giving it back to me. Skyler: If you had a receipt--

middle-aged woman: I don‘t have time for this. Get me your manager! (A smiling, clueless manager walks straight across the stage.) manager: Oh, just go ahead and give her store credit. I don‘t really care...

(The middle-aged woman has a triumphant ―I told you so‖ expression. Skyler does the refund.) Skyler: (to Alyssa) What I get for being a good employee and following policy. (Skyler gives the woman a voucher. She walks away. The young woman returns with a steering wheel cover that‘s completely different from the one she had originally brought up--different color, design, brand, etc. Also, the young woman has grown devil horns and now has some red face paint.) 134

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young woman:

Here you go.

(She sets both covers on the counter. Skyler looks at them.) Skyler: Um, I‘m sorry, but these aren‘t the same item here.

young woman: Um, like, yeah! They are! Skyler: Um, actually, the tags say they‘re both made by different companies.

young woman: Well, that was the only type back there. Skyler: Are you sure this one came from this store?

young woman: How should I know where she brought it from? Skyler: carry. We probably don‘t sell this brand here, and we can‘t refund brands that we don‘t

young woman: They‘re the same thing! Skyler: (to Alyssa) Yeah...The orange square patterning of this one made by Brand A exactly matches the yellow circles on this one made by Brand B. But I try to put this into language she might comprehend. (to young woman) They‘re not the same because different people made them. And in any event, I have no barcode at all to scan on this one... young woman: Can‘t you just use that one? Skyler: (silence) young woman: This is so stupid. Skyler: It‘s called retail, you dumb witch. (to Alyssa) I didn‘t actually say that. And she didn‘t actually have devil horns. (The young woman grabs her steering wheel cover and exits quickly, in a huff. The middle-aged woman returns. She has much larger demon horns, carries a scythe, and is flanked by two crouching demons who continuously circle her, menacingly. The woman shoves a small sign directly in Skyler‘s face.) Skyler: Um...yes? What am I looking at? 135 No, because they‘re not the same thing.

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middle-aged woman: You only gave me $125 in store credit, but the sign says it‘s actually worth $127! Skyler: Well, you see, you had no receipt, so the computer here had to give you the lowest selling price of the item, which happened to be 125. middle-aged woman: Show me in writing where it says I have to get the lowest selling price. Skyler: This sign behind me here--

middle-aged woman: Ah-ha!!!! It doesn‘t say nothing about no lowest selling prices! Skyler: It says a receipt is required for all returns and exchanges.

middle-aged woman: Says nothing about lowest selling prices. Give me my two dollars. Skyler: I can‘t--

middle-aged woman: You haven‘t tried. Skyler: I know what this system can--

middle-aged woman: You didn‘t want to help me the first time around! Skyler: I‘m supposed to follow po--

middle-aged woman: Give me my money. Skyler: This sign says--

middle-aged woman: --Nothing about lowest selling prices. Skyler: Damn you!!!!!

(Skyler, overly furious, leaps over the counter and proceeds to strangle the woman. The other two demons try to attack Skyler, but he effortlessly disposes of both of them. He then finishes killing the woman. The three lie dead at his feet. Skyler calms down and turns to Alyssa.) Skyler: That also didn‘t happen quite like that.

(Teddy and the statue drag the counter and bodies off-stage.) Alyssa: I figured that. 136

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(Skyler walks back over to Alyssa.) Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: I‘m not going back there. I can lead a perfectly good life here. All by yourself? What‘s the point of that? Who says I‘ll be alone?

(In the background, there‘s a silhouette of a man and woman closely embracing each other. It can either be a projection or two people dressed all in black from head to toe. It fades after a moment.) Alyssa: No, Sky. I‘m not staying. I‘m just here to--

Skyler: --Rescue me? From total peace? That place you want to bring me back to-Remember what it almost did to you? (Teddy brings on a dentist examination chair. A patient lies on it.) Skyler: Go on and clean his disgusting, filthy teeth. Scrape that plaque off. Enjoy scraping it off. Thrill to the wonders of the electric toothbrush. Laugh at the inane small talk. Work for the man, Alyssa. Yay, teeth! patient: (like Frankenstein monster) Clean...me....! Clean...me...! (Alyssa is very concerned.) Alyssa: Skyler: Sky, this isn‘t you... Didn‘t used to be, now did it? Damn ―real world...‖

Alyssa: Okay, yes, I almost did this for a living, but I found I hated it. So I got out of it. I actually tried to fix things, and guess what? It worked! I actually like my job now. Imagine that. Liking your work. Skyler: Well this is excellent news. I hope you shared it with all your friends.

(Alyssa is silent for a moment. The lighting starts to get redder.) Skyler: Oh, wait...You don‘t really have any friends these days, do you? The old ones‘re all too busy being wage slaves. What a shame...What a horrible, horrible shame...

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(Alyssa is getting angry with him. Lights get very red. A few nightmarish demons run rampant around the stage and exit. Lights abruptly return to normal. Skyler collapses into his chair, looking a little sick. Teddy wheels the dentist chair out.) Skyler: I‘m so sorry...I really...really didn‘t mean to--I‘m sounding like some serial villain. I‘m so sorry...You didn‘t deserve that...You don‘t deserve--(looks up at Alyssa)--Do you want to talk about your problems? Alyssa: My--?

(Skyler affectionately touches her face.) Skyler: I hate to see you miserable.

(Alyssa has no idea how to respond. She pushes his hand away.) Alyssa: Do you want me to punch you in the nose? If that‘s what you want, I‘ll be more than happy to do it. Just ask. It‘s yours. Free punch. I mean, what‘s your problem? Trying to drive me out? Skyler: No, Alyssa...

Alyssa: Yes, you‘re trying to get me mad as hell at you so I‘ll just up and leave your mind to rot. But I‘m not giving up on you, Sky. Skyler: You misunderstand. I don‘t want to run you out.

(Teddy brings on a giant spider web. Several nightmarish demon creatures grab Alyssa and stick her as well as handcuff her to the web, a separate pair per arm.) Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: I want you to stay forever. We can keep each other company. Little creepy here, Sky... Seems that way now, doesn‘t it? Hmm...Have to fix that...Excuse me...

(Skyler walks over to the large door. He begins opening it.) Alyssa: Sky! What the hell?! I go through all this trouble to help you out, and you do this? Doesn‘t really make me want to stay... (The silhouette appears again, with the couple now lying down. It soon fades.) Skyler: Hm? What? Oh, sorry. Didn‘t hear you. Mind wandered. Anyway... 138

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(Several more demonic, grotesque creatures rush out of the door and encircle Alyssa.) Skyler: Alyssa, meet my nightmares. Nightmares, Alyssa. Hopefully you‘ll all get along just fine. Excuse me. Need to rest for a bit... (Skyler exits. Alyssa is very uncomfortable with the demons.) Alyssa: Skyyyy!!!!

(The demons hiss at her and poke at her. Alyssa tries to tune them out.) Alyssa: Not real...Forget them...Just concentrate...

(The demons are clawing at her. She just concentrates, eyes closed. She rips herself free from the web, but still has the handcuffs. The nightmare demons swarm around her, knocking her to the ground. She‘s on her knees, as a few demons grab her head and pull it up. A few more grab the free ends of the handcuffs and stretch her arms out, playing a tug-of-war with her body. Demons are all over her, as the large door opens once again.) Alyssa: (barely able to talk through the crowd) Get...off... (Skyler, now wearing a large, dark cloak and a Jack O‘ Lantern mask, enters from the large door. Skyler as the pumpkin nightmare should act and speak extremely creepy.) Skyler: (sing-song) Well, well, well...Looks like I get somebody to play with... Alyssa: Sky....?

(A demon covers Alyssa‘s mouth.) Skyler: No. Not exactly.

(Skyler takes out a long knife and fiddles around with it, as he paces back and forth in front of Alyssa.) Skyler: I‘m the worst dream Skyler ever had. He was five at the time. Which means: A) He doesn‘t remember me, and B) He had a hell of an imagination, capable of developing all sorts of horrors devoid of any rational ―adult‖ constraints. He‘s never told you this, but as a child, he was the ultimate coward. Everything scared him. In every little bit of shadow, he assumed the worst. And thus, each new night brought forth a new nightmare. Some of them were rather bizarre, like the elephants he could‘ve sworn were in the closet, but others, like me... (pauses to play with knife) The things I did to him and his family...Such an imagination on that kid... (turns to Alyssa) And all those things I did...now I get to do them all to you... 139

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(Alyssa tries to say something, but is unable to, as demons cover her mouth. Skyler raises the knife.) Skyler: Quiet, Alyssa. I‘m working.

(Lights go down.)

Scene 2: (Lights go up on a very peaceful scene, as Alyssa and Skyler are lying in a large bed comfortably in each other‘s arms. They‘re dressed in white clothing and lie atop white sheets. A tall, wide, white dresser is to one side. A closet is to the other side, and a couple of windows are in the background, depicting a sunny day. Alyssa and Skyler both seem extremely relaxed and content. Alyssa is just now waking up.) Skyler: Alyssa: Good morning, Alyssa. Morning...

(They kiss briefly.) Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Very nice here... I thought so... (more kissing) So how‘re you feeling? Surprisingly good.

(They lie in peace for a moment.) Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: So comfortable...Could just lie here forever... Got no problem with that... But I need to--There‘s something I need to– Shhh. Relax. Everything‘s taken care of. Are you sure? I ever let you down before?

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Alyssa: Skyler: Course not.

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Darn straight. We‘ve got the whole day to ourselves. Nothing to worry about...

(They lie there for a moment, enjoying each other‘s company in silence. Teddy pokes his head on-stage and then immediately exits. Pause. The penguin waiter does the same for a brief moment. Shorter pause. The statue from Scene 1 walks straight across stage, unnoticed. The dolphin swims across the stage, also unnoticed. A few of the nightmare demons open the background windows and poke their heads inside. They leave a moment later.) Alyssa: Skyler: Hm...got cold... Stay put, and I shall grab another blanket.

(Skyler gets out of bed and walks over to the closet. He opens it, and there is an elephant in it. Skyler grabs a blanket off of the elephant‘s trunk and seems completely unfazed by its presence.) elephant: Alyssaaaaa....Help me....

(Skyler shuts the closet door. Alyssa, kind of in a daze, only somewhat hears the elephant.) Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Did you hear something? The door creaks sometimes. Oh, okay.

(Skyler gets back in bed, and drapes the blanket over them. They snuggle closer.) Skyler: Alyssa: (Pause.) Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: You know, Sky, we really need to talk about...things... Come on, Alyssa...Let‘s just let everything be, okay? We need to talk, though. What about? The future. 141 Better now? Much. Thank you.

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Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler:

Oh God. Anything but that. Sky... Can‘t we just enjoy the here and now?

(A demon walks past the window, looking in for just a second.) Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: How long have we been here? Where? Right here. In this bed. I don‘t--I can‘t remember going to sleep... Looks like someone was drinking a bit much last night. Can‘t remember how long we‘ve been together...Weird... Doesn‘t much matter to me so long as we are.

(There‘s a knock at the door. Skyler ignores it, but Alyssa hears it.) Alyssa: Skyler: You want to get that or should I? Get what?

(Another knock.) Alyssa: That.

(Another knock.) Skyler: That what? Alyssa, there‘s--

(Another knock.) Alyssa: A knock on the door.

(Alyssa gets out of bed. Skyler quickly gets up and goes to the door.) Skyler: Oh, the knock. Probably for me.

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(Alyssa falls back into bed. Skyler opens the door and finds the pumpkin head he wore at the end of the previous act lying on the ground.) Skyler: Dammit. (turns to Alyssa) Sorry, sweetie. I have to take care of something. I‘ll be back soon. (Skyler exits through the door. Alyssa looks around the white room, curious. Teddy pops his head in for a brief second and then pulls away. Alyssa thinks she saw him but is uncertain.) Alyssa: Why was a bear sticking his head through the wall?

(Alyssa gets up and walks over to the closet. She opens it and sees the elephant standing there.) elephant: Alyssa: Help me, Alyssa. You‘re my only hope. Talking elephant in the closet. Something‘s not right...

(Three cartoonish puppets emerge from behind the large dresser. They each look like something out of a Jim Henson children‘s show. They‘re all very enthusiastic.) puppet1: Hello!!!!

Alyssa: (suspicious) Hello. (pause) You‘re puppets. puppet2: puppet3: puppet1: puppet2: Sam: Cam: Alyssa: Pam: Alyssa: Cam: Shh! Quiet! Don‘t let any children hear you say that! You‘ll scar them for life! Just call me Sam. I‘m Pam! And I‘m Cam! Together, we rhyme! Do you know what a rhyme is? I‘m pretty sure I remember. And what‘s your name? Alyssa. That doesn‘t rhyme.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Sam: Alyssa: Quiet, you! So, Alyssa, what brings you here this fine day? I live here.

Dan Sherrier

Pam: You do? Alyssa, I find that most interesting. Tell me, please, what made you choose to live here as opposed to, say, over there? Alyssa: Over where?

(A big hulking monster crosses behind the window.) Cam: Alyssa: Like over there with that big guy. Was that a monster?

(Skyler, dressed as the pumpkin creature, enters through the front door, noticed by the puppets but not Alyssa.) Skyler: A-ha!

(Several hands grab Skyler and yank him back off-stage. Alyssa reacts as if she heard something. The puppets eagerly try to distract her.) Sam: Pam: Cam: So, uh, Alyssa, do you not like monsters? Are you anti-monster? Monsters are people in your neighborhood, too, you know.

(Skyler, dressed normally, starts to enter, but he is grabbed by multiple hands and yanked offstage. Alyssa thinks she saw something, but is uncertain.) Alyssa: Pam: Alyssa: Sam: Pam: Cam: Was there– You didn‘t see that. Then what did I just see? Your overactive imagination at play! Yes, imagination! I like imagination!

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Pam: Yes, Cam, we all like our imaginations. Our Imagination is our friend. Alyssa, do you know what a ―friend‖ is? Alyssa: Pam: Sam: Pam: Sam: Yes. Are you sure? A true friend stays with you through thick and thin! Very good, Sam. I do try, Pam.

(Skyler, dressed as the pumpkin creature, tries to enter through the door, but several arms grab him and pull him away.) Alyssa: Sam: Alyssa: Cam: Pam: What was that? Oh, I just said, ―I do try, Pam.‖ No, at the door-Door! That begins with the letter ―D!‖ Wow! You‘re right! It does!

(Alyssa walks over to the door.) Sam: Cam: Pam: Cam: Uh, Alyssa...Where are you going? Alyssa! That begins with the letter ―A!‖ Like apple! Quiet, Cam! Just trying to help.

(Alyssa looks out the door. The big pumpkin mask lies on the ground. She grabs it and walks back inside with it, staring at it and not looking happy.) Sam: Alyssa: Cam: Oh, look! Some nice fellow made us a Jack O‘ Lantern! Wasn‘t that nice? No. Alyssa! Don‘t look a gift-horse in the mouth, I always say... 145

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(Alyssa throws the pumpkin across the stage. She remembers everything now.) Alyssa: Pam: Alyssa: Damn him. Language, Alyssa, language! I risk my life for him, and he does this to me!

(Teddy pokes his head in through a window.) Teddy: risking. (Teddy exits.) Pam: Alyssa, something is clearly troubling you, dear, so-Technically, it‘s not noble to risk your life if you don‘t actually like the life you‘re

Alyssa: Of course something is troubling me! My old best friend tried to trap me in his brain! (pause) And I‘m talking to puppets. Cam: Alyssa: Sam: But you love puppets. Oh, don‘t get me wrong. I do. But it‘s still insane. And you‘re still talking to puppets.

(The closet door opens.) elephant: Would you feel better talking to an elephant?

Alyssa: (calling out) Sky! Dammit, Sky, I want to talk to you! (A chicken crosses the stage.) Alyssa: Alright, fine. Be that way. I‘ll find you.

(The faceless puppeteers--each dressed in nondescript clothing--emerge from behind the dresser, still talking through their puppets. They surround her.) Sam: Pam: We can‘t allow that, Alyssa. Just stay here! It‘s so nice and comfortable.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Alyssa: Comfortable?

Dan Sherrier

(Alyssa pulls the mattress off of the bed, and spikes pop up in its place.) Alyssa: Pam: Cam: I don‘t think so. Cam! Did you spike the bed? Wasn‘t me! I promise!

(Alyssa yanks Pam and Cam off of the puppeteers‘ arms and throws them on the spikes. The puppeteers still speak for them.) Pam: Cam: Ow! This hurts! I think I broke my back!

(Alyssa confronts the two puppet-less puppeteers, who seem a little lost now.) Alyssa: Sam: Sky? You in there? No, silly, those aren‘t Skyler! I‘m Skyler!

(Alyssa turns to the puppet, confused.) Alyssa: What?

(The penguin re-enters.) Penguin: No, I‘m Skyler.

(The statue sticks his head through the window.) Statue: elephant: Alyssa: I‘m Skyler. I thought I was Skyler. You know what--fine! I‘ve had enough. I‘m out of here.

(Alyssa starts to leave. Sam bites her shoulder, which doesn‘t hurt in the slightest. He stays on her shoulder for a moment.) Sam: (mumbling) Stay!

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition Alyssa: (Sam gasps.) Sam: You just said the word of the day! No way in hell.

Dan Sherrier

(Skyler, dressed in the cloak of the pumpkin creature, enters through the front door. He crosses over to retrieve the pumpkin head.) Skyler: Ah, there you are. Been looking all over for you.

(Skyler puts the pumpkin on.) Skyler: Now, Alyssa, it seems as though I wasn‘t quite thorough enough the first time around. Let‘s try this again. (Alyssa yanks the pumpkin head off.) Alyssa: Skyler: No! Stop hiding behind an old nightmare and talk to me yourself! We‘ll have plenty of time to talk after you give me the–

(Alyssa whacks Skyler in the head with the pumpkin.) Alyssa: There. Want it again?

(Alyssa whacks him again, a little more angrily. Everyone else begins to approach her. Alyssa hits him one more time, and everyone else freezes.) Alyssa: Sky, I love you. You were always like a brother to me. You made those four years of my life so much more bearable than they would have been. You could make my life now a lot more bearable than it is. I could do the same for you. But instead you want to hide in your own little head and just forget the rest of the world exists. You selfish bastard. (Tears developing) What the hell is the point of that? Tell me, Skyler. Why won‘t you try? (pause) Skyler: Alyssa: Skyler: choice. I think it‘s time you left. You‘re no fun anymore. You didn‘t answer my question. Go back to your mundane, pointless existence. Wallow in pity and all that. Your

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition (Skyler grabs the pumpkin head and walks over to everyone else.) Skyler: Have a swell life, Alyssa. I‘ll miss you.

Dan Sherrier

(Skyler puts the pumpkin head on.) Skyler: Go now. Please.

(Alyssa walks toward Skyler.) Skyler: Alyssa: You‘re not listening. No, you‘re not listening to--

(Everyone--the entire cast minus Skyler--surrounds Alyssa and forces her off like a strong current of water.) Alyssa: (shouting desperately) Skyler!!! Sky!!!! (Skyler, alone, takes off his pumpkin head and appears sullen.) Skyler: Maybe I should....No.

(Skyler paces around, weakly.) Skyler: Would‘ve been nice. She ruined my fun...

(He approaches the spiked bed.) Skyler: That won‘t do.

(Teddy wheels on a smaller, single bed.) Skyler: Thank you, Teddy.

(Teddy exits. Skyler stands by the bed and hesitates for a moment.) Skyler: I could always...

(A much more agreeable Alyssa enters.) Alyssa: Hello, Skyler. Ready for lots and lots of sex?

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Skyler: (Alyssa exits.) Skyler:

No. Wouldn‘t be right. Can‘t do that to her...

Love her too much...

(He gets into bed.) Skyler: Can go back to the mansion later...Just need to rest...Lots and lots of rest...

(Skyler sleeps.) Skyler: ‘Least it‘s peaceful now...

(Lights dim except for a single spotlight around Skyler. When lights go up, it is now a hospital room, with Alyssa sitting beside Skyler, looking like she‘s asleep. She suddenly and sharply jolts back to consciousness.) Alyssa: Agh!

(She stares at Skyler‘s nearly lifeless body.) Alyssa: Idiot...Tried to...Tried...

(She starts to break down in tears. Unnoticed by Alyssa, Skyler momentarily opens one eye and then closes it. Lights down.)

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―Blaming Beckett‖
(PLEASE NOTE: The following play was never intended for performance, and it would be impossible to follow the script literally. This one is meant strictly for reading pleasure.)

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(The stage is bathed in pink lights. A is standing in a garbage can with one arm raised in the air. B is upside-down in another garbage can with legs hanging up in the air, creating a ―V‖ at an angle of 45-degrees. C stands off to the side, perfectly still, with a bag over his face. A should be facing C, and a distance of 3.7 meters should separate the two, and at no time should A look at anything other than C. The distance between A and B should be 0.2 meters. A‘s arm and B‘s legs are not to move at all except where noted. A tree branch containing two leaves and of 1.2 meters in length should be placed 0.3534 meters in front of B‘s garbage can. The garbage cans should be gray in color and not exceed 1.03 meters in height, nor should they exceed 1.97 meters in circumference. C is not to breathe. Failure to comply with these stage directions shall result in criminal prosecution.) B: A: Sam Beckett can kiss my ass. Don‘t insult the playwright.

(Lights turn to blue.) B: A: B: A: The playwright? How is he a playwright? How is this a play? It‘s a work of art. Yeah, having two people in garbage cans is just so artistic. Don‘t forget C.

(C shrugs. Lights turn to red.) B: Oh, yes, C. How could I forget good old C? Just standing there shrugging his shoulders at random intervals. Oh, such pathos... (C shrugs.) A: It‘s supposed to represent the uncertainty of humanity at this crucial point in history when— B: A: I don‘t want to hear it. That‘s it. I‘m getting out of this damn garbage can. No, you can‘t get out...It‘s not in the stage directions.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition B: A: So I‘m improvising. You can‘t improvise!

Dan Sherrier

(Lights turn to green.) B: That‘s right. Beckett‘ll sue my ass off if I screw up his precious stage directions. Fuck Beckett. A: B: A: B: A: Just face it. You‘re upside-down in the can until the play is over. All my blood is rushing to my head. It can‘t be more than a few minutes longer. Your arm has to be getting tired by now. Maybe a little.

(C shrugs. Lights turn to purple.) B: A: B: So bring it down for just a second. No one will notice. I can‘t. You can.

A: At the end of the next page, I lower it to hip-level for precisely two-point-four seconds and then raise it back up at an 83-degree angle. I can wait until then. B: A: B: A: Coward. I don‘t see you jumping out of your garbage can, now do I? Somehow, this has gotten oddly comfortable. Sure.

(A coughs.) B: That was tough acting there.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition B: So how‘s it going, C?

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(Lights turn to yellow.) B: A: B: A: B: C? Wait for it. What the hell is he doing over there? Standing perfectly still. I don‘t get that guy.

(C shrugs.) A: B: A: B: There you go. He shrugged his shoulders. How shocking. Isn‘t this fascinating? I don‘t get it.

(Lights turn to orange.) A: B: Did you see that? Wasn‘t that great? Damn, Beckett is a genius. I can‘t see a fucking thing.

(A lowers his arm to hip-level for 2.4 seconds and then raises it back up at an 83-degree angle.) A: B: A: B: A: B: Ahhh...That was nice... What was nice? I moved my arm. With Beckett‘s blessing, I‘m sure. Of course. I wouldn‘t want to mess up his play. This isn‘t a play. We‘re not doing anything.

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All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition A: B: I just moved my arm. Oooh...How impressive.

Dan Sherrier

(C shrugs.) A: B: You missed another shrug. That one was the best yet, I thought. They‘re all the same.

A: No, you see, they occur in different color lighting, so each shrug has its own, unique personality because of the way the light-B: A: B: A: B: A: Don‘t make me kick you. You can‘t kick me. Not in the stage directions. Then I‘ll add my own stage directions at the end of the play. And then after that you can face the wrath of Beckett. Damn. Don‘t mess with Beckett. He will get you.

(Lights turn to brown.) B: A: B: So what are you doing after this ―performance?‖ I don‘t know. Probably going home and watching some TV. You? Probably the same.

(C shrugs.) B: A: B: A: B: What about you, C? Your timing was a little off. He‘s no fun. We‘re not here to have fun. We‘re here to produce a great work of art. Oh, excuse me. 155

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A: B: A: B: A: B: A: B:

You‘re excused. How much longer do we have? A little bit more. I haven‘t lowered my arm that second time yet. Are people actually still watching this? I don‘t know. My head can‘t be turned directly at the audience. Has C suffocated yet? No, he‘s still hanging in there. I think. What if he passed out? Wouldn‘t that ruin everything?

(Lights turn to gold.) A: B: A: B: A: That won‘t happen. We should do something different. No. You know Beckett‘s not even in the audience. He‘ll never know. He will know. He‘s Beckett.

(C walks over to the branch and stops at 0.05 meters away from it. C bends knees straight down and picks up branch with right hand. His arm should never bend. After holding the branch for 4.5 seconds, C bends knees straight down to place the branch 0.07 meters to the left of its original location. C then returns to his original location.) A: B: A: B: A: Amazing. What? He picked up the branch. Oh. Does that mean we‘re almost done? I‘m getting kind of bored here. I think we‘re almost there.

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(A lowers his arm to hip-level for 2.4 seconds and then raises it back up at an 83-degree angle. Lights turn to gray.) A: B: Yeah, we‘ve got to be coming to an end. I‘m so ready for a new script. No more Beckett plays.

(C breathes for two seconds. Lights turn to pink.) (Repeat entire play.) B: Fuck Sam Beckett.

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To purchase performance rights, please fill out a form below and mail with check to: Dan Sherrier P.O. Box 1346 Ashland, VA 23005-1346 Please make all checks payable to: Daniel Sherrier Once the check clears successfully, you have the requested performance rights. If the check bounces, you do not, and you‘ll owe me a $15 fee on top of the original costs. Use of these scripts is at your own risk. Program instructions: Please include the title of the work and ―By Dan Sherrier‖ in your program you distribute to your audiences, and list the Web site: allthecoolkidsdotheatre.com
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Name of company or school: ________________________________________________

Script(s) selected: ________________________________________________________

Performance dates: _______________________________________________________

# of performances: ____________

Amount enclosed: ____________________

Location of performance (City/State): _________________________________________

Contact name & e-mail: ____________________________________________________

160

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

Name of company or school: ________________________________________________

Script(s) selected: ________________________________________________________

Performance dates: _______________________________________________________

# of performances: ____________

Amount enclosed: ____________________

Location of performance (City/State): _________________________________________

Contact name & e-mail: ____________________________________________________

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Name of company or school: ________________________________________________

Script(s) selected: ________________________________________________________

Performance dates: _______________________________________________________

# of performances: ____________

Amount enclosed: ____________________

Location of performance (City/State): _________________________________________

Contact name & e-mail: ____________________________________________________

161

All The Cool Kids Do Theatre: College Edition

Dan Sherrier

Name of company or school: ________________________________________________

Script(s) selected: ________________________________________________________

Performance dates: _______________________________________________________

# of performances: ____________

Amount enclosed: ____________________

Location of performance (City/State): _________________________________________

Contact name & e-mail: ____________________________________________________

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Name of company or school: ________________________________________________

Script(s) selected: ________________________________________________________

Performance dates: _______________________________________________________

# of performances: ____________

Amount enclosed: ____________________

Location of performance (City/State): _________________________________________

Contact name & e-mail: ____________________________________________________

162

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