Friends

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Season 1
Stop cleansing my aura.
Fine, be murky.
Why does everyone keep fixating on that?
So that hysterical phone call from a woman sobbing
I was looking at this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat.
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.
Doorbells and sleigh bells and something with mittens.
Stop hitting on her! Its her wedding day.
Four years of closeness and sharing, at the end of which
she ripped your heart out
10. You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream.
11. Its more of a fifth date kind of revelation.
12. If you feel like you have to make a Western omelet or
something.
13. Plus the barn raising scene in witness.
14. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
15. Before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.
16. Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and
men with emotional problems can hear?
17. You cant live off your parents.
18. I ended up living with this albino guy who was cleaning
windshields.
19. Then I found aromatherapy.
20. I had a major crush on you.
21. I figured you thought I was Monicas geeky older brother.
22. Liza Minnelli
1. That glaciers getting kind of close.
2. Martys totally paranoid.
3. I just dont wanna give them any more ammunition.
4. She has already fluffed that pillow.
5. Youre all chaotic and twirly, you know?
6. You know he latches on.
7. At least she had a chance to leave a man at the altar.
8. No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?
9. That open my cervix.
10. Dr. Farber, Jason Greenspans gagging.
11. Things change. Roll with the punches.
12. I believe Julies on the table?
13. You got plugs!
14. Knock! Knock! How are we today? Any nausea?
15. Are you welling up?
1. Cushion the blow.
2. Send our dog off to live on a farm.
3. Now take a puff.
4. Its the distance from the tip of the guys thumb.
5. Satans minions at work again!
6. Coyotes picking off the weak members of the herd.
7. Cant I whimper a little bit?

8. That pimento trick!

9. His smile was crooked.
10. So I think Alan is the yardstick by which future boyfriends
will be measured.
11. Its his innate Alan-ness that we adore.
12. Want a pretzel?
13. Like a tiny little hitchhiker.
14. Joeys knuckle-cracking isnt annoying?
15. I think its endearing.
16. The hair comes out and the gloves come out.
17. Speaking of which, tell him we are on for the Renaissance
Fair.
1. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want world peace
2. Todays the day Carol and I first consummated our
physical relationship.
3. Look at you in the apron. You look like youre in a play.
4. Duplex.
5. But I lost the tweezers so we cant operate.
6. But you know that, or wed be in the predicament room.
7. My face is dented.
8. And then when you do, hes a preppy animal.
9. And he was really tender.
10. Chandlers one of those repressed guys who youd have to
seduce.
11. The moon, the glow, the magical feeling.
1. You reach in, there is one maneuver and bam!
2. You know what blows my mind?
3. Multiple orgasms!
4. Yeah, its a Mercedes if I move back home.
5. They are going fine, but they are coming out all fluffy.
6. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.
7. She is like one of a kind, like a snowflake or...
8. And the fabric softener?
9. I blew off the afternoon. I went shopping.
10. No suds, no save.
11. You must need detergent.
12. Something went wrong with underdog and they couldnt
inflate his head.
13. Like you have never got a little rambunctious with Ross.
14. He needed time to grieve.
1. Notice, no fear. No sense of impending doom.
2. She is amazing! She makes the women I dream about look
like fat, bald men.
3. The usher gave me this.
4. You know, monogamy can be a tricky concept.
5. There is a theory put forth by Richard Leakey
6. I cant believe you moved the green ottoman.
7. Be glad you did not fan the magazines, or she will scratch
your eyes out.

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When we were kids, yours was the Raggedy Ann doll that
wasnt raggedy.
A glass is on the table with no coaster. Beads of
condensation are inching closer to the wood.
You got any tweezers?
Do I sense resentment?
I am concerned about goose bumps.
Lose the robe.
No, that was clenching.
Really? Just casually strewn about...
In that reckless, haphazard manner?
Blackout
Power-company guys? Eligible looters?
I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre.
Is it a vestibule? Maybe it is an atrium.
Barry would not even kiss me on a miniature golf course.
Passion is way overrated.
This is a tousle.
If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it!
I was the last one to know when Chandler got hit by the
peacock.
During a blackout? She will get trampled.
I loathe myself.
It is got a boyish charm. It is impish.
Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights.
The non-protective corrugated fiberboard with white
laminate.
I thought it could be a closed casket.
Here is me retainer.
Unless you want her to spend eternity in a lemon-yellow
pantsuit...
Right. We will go with the burgundy.
Could we see something in a slimmer heel?
I am just checking to see if the muscle is in spasm.
Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays?
I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.
Tonights potatoes will be mashed with lumps and in the
form of Tots.
There is one way that offers a certain acoustical
advantage, but...
Right now the turkey should be crispy on the outside and
juicy on the inside.
You are happy that you dont have gills anymore.
Shall I carve?
I say this year, we make a pack.
And a smile so bewitching.
You are luminous with a kind of delicate grace.
Just a smidge.
He is very methodical.

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Ross, he is playing with my spatulas again!

And I am not really a sweeping sort of fella.
Your new girlfriend wouldnt urinate on my coffee table.
What do you say you and I doing a little mingling?
And I hit my head on the curb and cut my lip on my
whistle.
Who can break our hearts and plunge us into depression.
I think she is a blast.
I am busy beaming with pride.
Congress is debating a new deficit-reduction bill.
Just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom
doesnt mean you know her.
It says in some parts of the world people eat the placenta.
What do you want to me to do with a dozen lasagnas?
Nauseous. I am physically nauseous.
Ugly naked guy is making shadow puppets.
That is patio furniture.
And three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the
world.
Paolo made a pass at me.
I am the one he hit on.
I unleashed him on you.
It is time for you to swoop in.
She is distraught. You are there for her.
You pick up the pieces and then you usher in The age of
Ross.
I dont think swearing off guys altogether is the answer.
That is a relatively open weave.
And for a shrink, he is not too shrinky.
Parents divorced before you hit puberty.
Maybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling.
You could have sabotaged your marriage...
You will have the guts to say, No, thanks, Im married.
He got a restraining order.
Dont you bail on me!
You can do a cleansing ritual.
Pheebs, this woman is voluntarily bald.
Or we can chant and dance around naked with sticks.
She wants to slather my body with stuff and lick it off.
Now we need the semen of a righteous man.
I was taking out the trash and Phoebe was burning
incense.
Rach, why does my cinnamon stick have an eraser?
If it is about those prank memos, I was not involved.
And frankly, those shenanigans have no place in an office
environment.
He wants to do something eclectic.
Her name is Celia and she is insect curator at the
museum.

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And he is not speaking metaphorically.

And I am maintaining my amateur status so I can waitress
in the Olympics.
We ended up cuddling.
Now tell me you want to caress my butt!
I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.
It is so much bigger than the cubicle.
I dont know what he did but there were capers
everywhere!
We will be laying off people.
Shed have no recollection of being fired at all.
So after the proposal, I kind of unraveled.
There are no pagan altars.
Your sister stood me up.
You know, he is really nutsy about you.
I am sick of the lousy tips.
No, I am sure the Xerox machine caught a few.
That is a lame excuse.
And what is bluffing?
I beg to differ.
Do you want me to shuffle those?
And I could sure use the portraits of Lincoln and Hamilton.
Full house.
The whole penis embargo?
It was this raw, animal, sexual
I meant female nudity.
Marcel is an illegal exotic animal.
Possession of an illegal exotic is punishable by two years
in prison and confiscation of the animal.
I am sure there is some friendly way to reconcile this.
Just a tranquilizer.
No, this is just vintage Rachel.
Potassium.
With the right pumps, that would be a great little outfit.
Yeah, let her dangle.
Stop being so testosterone.
Does he look like he was told to shove anything?
I had that chicken, where you poke it and butter squirts
out.
I have been honing.
Yeah, toast, oatmeal. Nothing that spatters.
Now I am needy and snubbed.
How come you have dental floss in your hair?
She is on the other line. She is gonna call me back.
When Barry was engaged to you, he and I kind of had a
little thing on the side.
Yeah, my neighbor. Yeah, the brunette.
That second time, you could not have picked her out of a
lineup.

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Jason is choking on his retainer.

He is Satan in a smock.
He is got the monocle
It is just such reckless spending.
No, still too ethnic.
This is becoming a weird obsession.
Oh, your own brand of vigilante justice.
Id say that chair is taking the brunt of it.
Apparently, he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered
people.
Does he flight with other animals? No, on. He is very
docile.
I want you to know, I didnt turn you in.
I was very drunk, and it was someone elses
subconscious.
Rob that cradle.
Tourists are terrorized at Gunpoint.
Basically, I am nuts about you.
I just had sex with someone who wasnt alive during the
bicentennial.
Was I doing something particularly saucy?
Nobody handing out mints or anything?
I have a wife and a job. Im your congressman.
Its icky.
Could these margaritas be any stronger?
When we talked, she said shed already passed the
mucous plug.
Its only $2 for the first contraction and then 50 cents for
each additional contraction.
Swiss quartz.
I am your roommates brothers ex-wifes obstetrician.
But soon theyll grow up and resent you so much.
Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack.
We never landed on Jordy.
I get the cramps.
There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel.
There is something sinister going on here.
Mazel tov.
No, this is a loaner.
You are gonna be making money hand over fist.
But what do you do to unwind after a tough day at work?
If you want to reach me, you cant. So heres my itinerary.
No, this big pile of dishes in my moms breakfront.
Okay. Its light. It rattles.
No, it is not. Its small. Its tiny. Its petite. Its wee.
Is there a mute button on this woman?
I think I blacked out there for a minute.
This is just my initial gut feeling
Wed be like friends-in-law!

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Season 2
My God, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadnt...
Despite the yummy bagels and palpable tension...
Now well do your inseam.
Yo, paisan!
Then they go up the other side, move it back, then they
do the rear.
Its not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying
cologne.
Cantaloupe juice
They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.
Sooner or later, somebody will come along that slices a
better cheddar.
What a manipulative bitch.
But she had the biggest Adams apple.
Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of
crap.
Look at this funky shirt!
...from when you had sex with Bobby on the terrace!
In some cultures, having a third nipple is actually a sign of
virility.
These movies are offensive and degrading to women and
females and the lightings always unflattering.
The steaks were a gift from the meat vendor. That was not
a kickback.
Theres milk in the refrigerator and diapers in the bag.
Lather, rinse, repeat...
Like a squirt gun.
Were two heterosexual guys hanging with the son of our
other heterosexual friend, doing the usual straight-guy
stuff.
Okay, the mole came off.
Am I hideously unattractive?
Ive decided to opt for sanity.
And I see Julies saline solution on my night table...
Its a synthetic chocolate substitute.