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KIDS!

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SAYS
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TROOPS
b
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FAST FOOD
TAKE DOPE
TO GET OUT OF
AFGHANISTAN!
HOMEMADE
SECRET RECIPES!
AND MORE EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL NEWS
JUSTIN TRUDEAU
OVER EXPOSED
LITTLE MOSQUE
UNCENSORED
publishing | media | marketing
A
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JOHN TORY’S
FAITH IN FASHION
NEWFOUNDLAND BOY FORGOTTEN
BY LEADERS AND LEFT TO FEND
FOR HIMSELF IN THE
BOYSCOUT SHOCKER
BOYSCOUT SHOCKER
he island of Newfound-
land is in shock after a
St. John’s Scout group
‘forgot’ to bring home
an 8-year-old boy from
a survival weekend retreat in the
wilderness.
And now that the boy’s painstaking
ordeal is fnally over, the Scouts are
refusing to give him a badge to com-
memorate his heroic journey back to
civilization.
This past July, the boy and fourteen
of his closest friends were taken for
a memorable weekend away with the
Scouts, but the memories would soon
be ruined when, after taking a pit
stop an hour from home, the bus left
him stranded on the roadside near
Whitbourne, NL.
“What a sin that this
young fellar was left
behind,” says Frank
Williams, a long time
admirer of the Scouts
in Newfoundland and
Labrador. “The B’yes should’ve had a
better sense than that.”
Although the incident was not cov-
ered by any local newspapers, radio,
or television stations; word of mouth
has made the story suppertime con-
versation as far away as Gander and
Corner Brook.
“They took a head count and didn’t
even notice that he was missing,”
adds Williams. “They also called the
parents from the bus but still didn’t
fgure it out.”
Where most kids would’ve sat down
and cried, the boy used his
basic Scout training to assess
the situation and call for help
from a pay phone.
“He had never made a long
distance call before,” adds a
source close to the family. “Thankful-
ly, a woman working at the rest stop
helped him out.”
Newfoundlander Cindy Tobin has
seen two of her own children graduate
through the ranks of the Scouts. Her
youngest is in his last year, but Mrs.
Tobin is debating taking her son out
because of concerns over the Scout
supervision policies.
“I’m rotted. To think of that young-
ster alone on the side of the road, I
just keep thinking of my own kids.”
An emergency car was fnally sent to
pick the boy up and bring him back to
his mother.
When asked by the Special about the inci-
dent, Janet Noseworthy, the Area Com-
missioner for the Scouts on the Avalon
Peninsula, had no comment on the situ-
ation.
“I think we should all be a little con-
cerned that even an organization like
the Scouts can make such a mistake,”
says Peter Trnka, a resident of St. John’s
and a father of three young children.
Another source close to the family has
told the Special that the young boy is still
traumatized by the event, “I think it’s
fair to say that he is very uncomfortable
about going back to Scouts,” says the
source.
To date the Scouts have no plans to
give the boy a badge for his bravery.
NEWFOUNDLAND BOY FORGOTTEN
BY LEADERS AND LEFT TO FEND
FOR HIMSELF IN THE
T
The
pecial
S
-R.L. Deakos
NO MAN LEFT BEHIND: Scouts Canada is celebrating its 100th birthday
this year, but not without controversy. The young Newfoundland boy
that was left behind in the woods by his troop leaders and then found
his way home is being called a hero by fellow Newfoundlanders. Now
the Special needs your help in getting this boy the recognition that he de-
serves. We want to develop a badge that will commemorate his heroic
actions andrewardhim with it later this year.
WILD!!
BOYSCOUT SHOCKER
BOYSCOUT SHOCKER
APPEAL TO SPECIAL READERS
BOYSCOUT DESERVES A BADGE

W
RITE IN
! PETITIO
N
!!
SPEAK UP!!!
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house of imported bier
Amazing patio and more than 100 brands of
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Come in and have an absinthium evening of sound and eclectic favors
TH
E SP
ECIA
L:
A
LW
AYS TH
E FIR
ST TO
K
N
O
W
!
T
he Canadian army is scram-
bling to contain dissent among
its’ rank and fle members, as
more and more soldiers are inten-
tionally using drugs to avoid serving
in Afghanistan.
As the number of casualties contin-
ues to rise in Afghanistan, soldiers
throughout Canada are buzzing
about the drug testing loophole that
could help them avoid risking their
lives in the war-torn region.
“Our soldiers are the best in the
world,” a source close to the army
recently told the Special.
“But I think it’s fair to
say that more soldiers
are losing faith in this
mission.”
It’s a sentiment that
is being shared by the majority of
Canadians and, although, nearly
7 in 10 Canadians disagree with Cana-
da’s combat role in Afghanistan, there
has yet to be any clear exit strategy
communicated by Ottawa.
One Canadian soldier, speaking on the
condition of anonymity, recently told
friends that he intentionally smoked
pot to avoid going to war.
“He is an excellent soldier, one who
looks out for his colleagues and who
works hard, but his girlfriend just gave
birth to a child and he felt the risks
were too great,” says a close friend of
the soldier.
Already 71 Canadians have been
killed serving in Afghanistan.
In fact, according to this soldier, many
other soldiers based in Valcartier, Que-
bec of the highly decorated Van Doos
regiment, have tested positive in recent
months but the army has quietly set
aside the tests and are sending them to
Afghanistan anyway.
“The soldiers are very dedicated to
serving their country and would do so
for any mission that they believed in,”
adds our source. “It’s pretty obvious
that many soldiers are very uncomfort-
able with this dangerous mission and
that the morale among the Canadian
Forces is very low right now.”
The allegations fy in the
face of the Canadian Forc-
es National drug policy,
which explicitly states that
a soldier testing positive
for illicit drugs will re-
ceive counselling and not be allowed
to serve overseas.
When asked by the Special how many
soldiers in the force have tested posi-
tive for drugs in recent months, Pierre
Babinsky, Senior Public Affairs Advisor
for the Canadian Forces, told the Special
that 5% of Task Force Afghanistan have
tested positive for illicit drugs.
And the Special’s insider is convinced
that many more soldiers are planning
to use this loophole.
“There were other soldiers who tried
to get out of going, but they were told
the tests will be set aside and that
they will have to take drug counselling
courses once they return from Afghan-
istan,” reveals our military rat.
P
O
T

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M
O
K
I
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G

S
O
L
D
I
E
R
S
DISSENT HIGH AMONG TROOPS
AS OCCUPATION CONTINUES
S
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DROPPING A REAL BOMB:
Soldiers from across Cana-
da are turning on and tun-
ing out of the war on Af-
ghanistan. The Special has
learned that a number of
Canadian Forces are inten-
tionally smoking pot to test
positive on their drug tests to
avoid having to serve over-
seas. (RIGHT) A member of
the Van Doos from Valcart-
ier, PQ, meets with Defense
Minister Peter McKay. The
Van Doos’ are credited with
starting the dissent within
the Forces as McKay and
Steve Harper continue with
the occupation.
EXCLUSIVE
SPECIAL
-R.D. Shaw & P.J. Tomlinson
FASHION IS SO POLITICAL
According to Vancouver fashion designer Queena Yan,
bad fashion sense can derail even the most carefully
choreographed political campaign. “Stylists from Con-
servatives to the Green Party are always trying to get
their leaders to stand out.” With an Ontario election
looming, Yan gives Special readers some fashion tips
to watch out for.
(1) Gordon Campbell: “I think of out of control Hawai-
ian vacations and Corporate tax cuts,” says Yan. “This
guy dresses sharp, but anything less wouldn’t cut it.”
(2) Steve Harper: Being seen as ‘the man’ is important
for leaders. “When people wear a uniform, it denotes
a sense of strength.” For Steve that must mean wear-
ing his wife’s mascara as well. (3) Jack Layton: “When
you see a politician dressing down it seems like they
are involving themselves with the common man.” And
when they match their wife you know who’s the boss.
(4) Barack Obama: “He’s willing to take a chance on
something different, but still playing it on the safe side
by going on with the plain black suit.” As the old adage
goes once you go Barack you never go back. (5) John
Tory: It’s all about image says Queena. “You want to
appear trust worthy without looking all ‘Joe Clark’, and
being as casual as possible.” (6) Dalton McGuinty:
“Look at the posed loosened tie. He’s uptight, a little
bit more conservative. More preppy. These guys defi-
nitely think they have the smarts.” (7) Pierre Trudeau:
Whether you’re trying to re-write the constitution or just
piss off the West it’s important to do it in style. “You
want voters to buy what you’re selling.”
Olympic-sized promises are being made to
large corporate sponsors like The Bay and
Roots. Unfortunately, the same cannot be
said for Vancouver artists and small business
owners. And it all has to do with Bill C-47, the
Olympic and Paralympic Marks Act.
The piece of legislation gives the Vancouver
Olympic Committee (VANOC) ownership
over symbols and words affiliated with the
Olympics.
That’s right! If an artist decides to use any
of the Olympic symbols with a painting that
includes the multicolored hoops or even
the words: “winter”, “gold”, “silver”, “med-
als”, “sponsor”, “games”, “21st”, “2010”, and
strangely enough “Vancouver” – then they
could be hit with Bill C-47.
And art student Kimberly Baker has already
learned this lesson first hand.
Kimberly’s artwork – the Transit Shelter
Project – was showcased at this year’s gradu-
ation exhibition at the Emily Carr Institute
and after rave reviews she was told her work
was chosen to appear in a prominent Van-
couver newspaper.
But Baker’s artwork, which deals with the
social impact of the Olympic games on the
poor, never got published.
Baker believes the unsportsmanlike publi-
cation feared a lawsuit from VANOC.
While one can draw some sense from the
Olympics symbols, the ownership over com-
mon terms seems to be going overboard. It
means that all ‘Olympic’ merchandise must
be cleared with VANOC, which is notorious
for nailing the interests of artists and ama-
teur trinket makers into the boards in favour
of big business.
For now the rules of the game are against
local artists who are crying foul that artistic
expression has been sent to the penalty box
for playing too rough.
6. OUT WITH THE OLD
Special fashionista sews up politicians fall fashion
S
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OLYMPIC
COPYRIGHT
SCANDAL

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2. FOG OF WAR
1. WESTERN KIND
OF A GUY
3. KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY
4. BLACK IS THE NEW WHITE
5. BRINGING BACK THE SEXY
7. LIBERAL
WITH THE
LADIES
- S. Tekin
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or Squamish, BC, resident
Leslie Johnson writing a book
about making American fast
food at home seemed as sim-
ple as whipping up a seafood
platter from Long John Silvers.
But the book turned out to be a bigger fish to
fry says the author and mother of three.
After moving from Spokane, Washington, to
Canada 7 years ago, Johnson has perfected the
art of making American fast food at home. And
with her new tell-all book she hopes to help
other families do the same.
“When we first moved to Canada the kids
were homesick. They missed the
taste of Carl’s Jr. and IHOP,” John-
son tells the Special. “We used to
make daily runs to the border,
but since 9/11 it has become a lot
more difficult to get back into the
US of A.”
Johnson found that Canadian fast food didn’t
have the same flavour. And that’s why she de-
cided to emulate the secrets of American fast
food recipes - in her own kitchen!
“It took years of reverse engineering with my
taste buds. I started by mixing combinations
of different meats with a variety of vegetable,
Canola and reconstituted oils. I even began ex-
perimenting with different salad dressings to
get that special tangy fast food taste.”
But Johnson warns that fast food isn’t always
as simple as it looks and that the true artistry
involved has taken years of preparation and
practice. From Hardee’s, In-N-Out Burger, Ken-
ny Rogers Roasters, and even Raising Cane’s
Chicken Fingers, Johnson promises that her
new book will help you surprise your family
with the secret to all the secret sauces.
“The whole family was delighted with my
cooking. My partner couldn’t believe it and the
kids and their friends just kept wanting more.”
Health Canada’s Food Guide recommends
only occasional intake of fried and high in satu-
rated fat foods.
But with the explosion in fast food consump-
tion it has recently been forced to add ‘other
foods’ as the fifth group to cover fast food!
Johnson’s book, set for release this Christmas,
also focuses on some of the controversy sur-
rounding fast food.
“Trans fat is one the biggest
things that people ask me
about. But that’s really a blue
state issue,” she laughs off.
Johnson also confides to the
Special that the biggest diffi-
culty in making fast food at
home is finding a place to store the gallons of
grease that a fast food family can consume.
Added to that are the constant troubles of
finding a butcher that doesn’t mind selling
you close to expiry, tail ends of animal fat de-
spite the risk of salmonella poisoning.
“My book will save you and your family
thousands of dollars a year in fast food ex-
penses. But the greatest feeling,” she confess-
es. “Is the delight on your child’s face.”
And when asked what the real difference
was between Canadian and American fast
food?
“Companies and farmers are a lot freer in
the states. And you can really taste the differ-
ence,” she concludes.
LEGACY: In many ways, Bill Welychka repre-
sented the end of an era for the CHUM City
family. In his 13 year on-air career at Much
Music, Welychka effectively bridged the sta-
tion’s reckless formative years with the sugary
nonsense that followed in decade two.
An alumnus of prestigious Thornlea Second-
ary School just north of Toronto, Welychka’s
first taste of on-air glory was through Outlaws
& Heroes, Much’s token country music program
that first introduced this curly-haired cutie to
cowpokes and Calgarians everywhere.
Welychka was soon shifted to the station’s reg-
ular programming block and was a cool, calm,
juxtaposition to such fellow Much talent like
Rick “The Temp” Campenelli, Natalie Richard
and the legendary Master T. A number of VJs
came and went during his tenure and rightly or
wrongly, Welychka became something of a den
mother to a new generation of hosts.
He wore the mantle well because he always
seemed like a nice, normal dude who just loved
his work and loved the music he covered. Ma-
donna, Green Day and Avril Lavigne are just
some of the superstars that Welychka inter-
viewed and he always gave the artists a fair
shake, regardless of trends, tastes or predica-
tions of the moment.
When Much More Music hit the airwaves in
2000, Welychka did the ol’ sideways shuffle
and instantly became the station’s top host and
part-time producer, boning up on his pop cul-
ture pastiche along the way.
Things were going swimmingly until mid-
2005 when Welychka made an abrupt depar-
ture from his beloved hometown of Toronto.
The man headed westbound, venturing be-
yond Kipling Station, to the Canadian prairies
in search of a new challenge to overcome and
a new meal to scarf down. In short, where the
heck did Bill go?
CURRENT WHEREABOUTS: “I needed a
break from entertainment after a decade of
just doing the music stuff,” confirms Welychka
from Ottawa, the nation’s capital and Welych-
ka’s adopted home for the last several months.
“Not just at Much but in the media in general,
the focus has really shifted to the sound bites
and the gossip, whether it be about Paris Hil-
ton or Britney or whatever. One thing I always
prided myself on is that I could do a really good,
well-informed interview and the last few years
at Much and Much More Music, those type of
skills became less and less important.”
In his new role as the weather anchor for A-
Channel Ottawa (CityTV’s Ottawa affiliate),
Welychka gets back on the tube on a nightly
basis and has found a new sense of personal
calm after two plus years up in the air.
Talking about his entry point to the weather
wars, Welychka comments, “I didn’t know a
low front from a pressure system when I first
got the call. Luckily, they were looking for some-
body who didn’t necessarily have a broad back-
ground in weather so I studied a few books be-
fore I went on air and it has worked out really
well.”
Welychka joined A-Channel Ottawa in the Fall
2006 after a brief stint in Edmonton, where he co-
hosted the city’s version of Breakfast Television.
“After a year in Edmonton, I realized that I
wasn’t a morning person and this just wasn’t
going to work out. I loved the crew out there
and the city was really cool, but I really did miss
Toronto. I figured that since I wasn’t married
and didn’t have kids, the move would be pretty
seamless.”
Through the ups and the downs, Welychka
has remained a loyal member of the CHUM
City family since 1988, when he was but a
fresh-faced graduate of Seneca College. Wel-
ychka will always cherish his early days in the
environment but he is the first to admit that the
Much Music of today is a far different animal
than what it once was.
“When Much went on the air, it was a lot dif-
ferent than it is today. Christopher Ward was
the smart one, Erica Ehm was the cute one, Mi-
chael Williams was the cool one, Steve Anthony
was the wacky one. My aim was to be none of
those and just be a typical, everyday music fan,
since that’s what I was.”
If you have a suggestion for a future edition of
Off The Radar, please e-mail Cam Gordon at:
gordoncc134@yahoo.com
NEW TELL-ALL
BOOK REVEALS
SECRET RECIPES
GUESS WHAT FAST FOOD CHAIN
IS USING THIS SECRET SAUCE?
1/2 cup of mayonnaise
2 tbls French dressing
4 tsps sweet pickle relish
1 tbls finely minced white onion
1 teaspoon white vinegar
1 teaspoon sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
1. Combine all of the ingredients
in a small bowl. Stir well
2. Place sauce in a covered con-
tainer and refrigerate for several
hours.
Makes about 3/4 cup
COOKING A ERICAN
FAST FOOD AT HOME!
F
the
pecial
S
-R. Klinger
NAME: Bill Welychka
PROFESSION: Much Music VJ
DESCRIPTION: Tight, curly locks,
tendency to talk with his hands a
lot, pearly whites, neat shirts
LAST SEEN: 2005
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COLUMNISTS
C.J. Byner
C. Gordon
Dr. Mysterion
STAFF WRITERS
R.L. Deakos
R. Klinger
CREATIVE DIRECTOR
J.D. Mitchell
COPY EDITOR
R. Rosenman
CONTRIBUTORS
A. Atweh
P. Hamilton
T. Kraemer
A. Patel
R. Strasfeld
A.D. Washboro
I. Withavee
INTERN
S.Tekin
PHOTOGRAPHY
Pharmakon
Visit the Special online at www.thespecial.ca | The Special is a member of Magazine’s Canada.
ISSN 1913-1666. 3-194 Sorauren Ave. Toronto, ON. M6R3E9. Published in Toronto, Canada.
PUBLISHER
Midnight Media
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
R.D. Shaw
MANAGING EDITOR
M.A. Tamburro
NATIONAL BUREAU CHIEF
P.J. Tomlinson
FEATURES WRITER
K. A. Zemnickis
5crfcusca 2007 | vot. 5 | ko. 3
The Special is a publication of Midnight Media. For information about
advertising and subscriptions we can be reached by phone at
647-668-9443 or by e-mail at editor@thespecial.ca
LEGACY: In many ways, Bill Welychka repre-
sented the end of an era for the CHUM City
family. In his 13 year on-air career at Much
Music, Welychka effectively bridged the sta-
tion’s reckless formative years with the sugary
nonsense that followed in decade two.
An alumnus of prestigious Thornlea Second-
ary School just north of Toronto, Welychka’s
first taste of on-air glory was through Outlaws
& Heroes, Much’s token country music program
that first introduced this curly-haired cutie to
cowpokes and Calgarians everywhere.
Welychka was soon shifted to the station’s reg-
ular programming block and was a cool, calm,
juxtaposition to such fellow Much talent like
Rick “The Temp” Campenelli, Natalie Richard
and the legendary Master T. A number of VJs
came and went during his tenure and rightly or
wrongly, Welychka became something of a den
mother to a new generation of hosts.
He wore the mantle well because he always
seemed like a nice, normal dude who just loved
his work and loved the music he covered. Ma-
donna, Green Day and Avril Lavigne are just
some of the superstars that Welychka inter-
viewed and he always gave the artists a fair
shake, regardless of trends, tastes or predica-
tions of the moment.
When Much More Music hit the airwaves in
2000, Welychka did the ol’ sideways shuffle
and instantly became the station’s top host and
part-time producer, boning up on his pop cul-
ture pastiche along the way.
Things were going swimmingly until mid-
2005 when Welychka made an abrupt depar-
ture from his beloved hometown of Toronto.
The man headed westbound, venturing be-
yond Kipling Station, to the Canadian prairies
in search of a new challenge to overcome and
a new meal to scarf down. In short, where the
heck did Bill go?
CURRENT WHEREABOUTS: “I needed a
break from entertainment after a decade of
just doing the music stuff,” confirms Welychka
from Ottawa, the nation’s capital and Welych-
ka’s adopted home for the last several months.
“Not just at Much but in the media in general,
the focus has really shifted to the sound bites
and the gossip, whether it be about Paris Hil-
ton or Britney or whatever. One thing I always
prided myself on is that I could do a really good,
well-informed interview and the last few years
at Much and Much More Music, those type of
skills became less and less important.”
In his new role as the weather anchor for A-
Channel Ottawa (CityTV’s Ottawa affiliate),
Welychka gets back on the tube on a nightly
basis and has found a new sense of personal
calm after two plus years up in the air.
Talking about his entry point to the weather
wars, Welychka comments, “I didn’t know a
low front from a pressure system when I first
got the call. Luckily, they were looking for some-
body who didn’t necessarily have a broad back-
ground in weather so I studied a few books be-
fore I went on air and it has worked out really
well.”
Welychka joined A-Channel Ottawa in the Fall
2006 after a brief stint in Edmonton, where he co-
hosted the city’s version of Breakfast Television.
“After a year in Edmonton, I realized that I
wasn’t a morning person and this just wasn’t
going to work out. I loved the crew out there
and the city was really cool, but I really did miss
Toronto. I figured that since I wasn’t married
and didn’t have kids, the move would be pretty
seamless.”
Through the ups and the downs, Welychka
has remained a loyal member of the CHUM
City family since 1988, when he was but a
fresh-faced graduate of Seneca College. Wel-
ychka will always cherish his early days in the
environment but he is the first to admit that the
Much Music of today is a far different animal
than what it once was.
“When Much went on the air, it was a lot dif-
ferent than it is today. Christopher Ward was
the smart one, Erica Ehm was the cute one, Mi-
chael Williams was the cool one, Steve Anthony
was the wacky one. My aim was to be none of
those and just be a typical, everyday music fan,
since that’s what I was.”
If you have a suggestion for a future edition of
Off The Radar, please e-mail Cam Gordon at:
gordoncc134@yahoo.com
o
v
e
r

e
x
p
o
s
e
d
JUSTIN
TRUDEAU
EXPOSED: Justin Trudeau
EXPOSURE: Newspaper articles, Radio shows, Television: CBC’s
Canada Reads, Election Signs, 12-year-old Facebook friend’s list
EXPLORATION: Justin entered the political spotlight at his father’s fu-
neral and hasn’t had a bright idea since. Propped up as the new Lib-
eral poster boy for a united Canada, this Montreal native will be cam-
paigning to kick the Bloc down the street in the next election. Like his
father who opened the left valve of bleeding heart Canadians, the
younger Trudeau is following the same recipe for success, power
and, maybe even, a few nights with Margot Kidder. Already the fa-
voured heir to the Liberal throne he has publicly denounced Quebec
nationalism as a ‘smallness of thought’.
EXPLANATION: Once Canadians begin to recognize that this guy is just
repatriating his father’s broken promises, look for him to become just
another son of a former prime minister hosting reality TV.
GUESS WHAT FAST FOOD CHAIN
IS USING THIS SECRET SAUCE?
1/2 cup of mayonnaise
2 tbls French dressing
4 tsps sweet pickle relish
1 tbls finely minced white onion
1 teaspoon white vinegar
1 teaspoon sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
1. Combine all of the ingredients
in a small bowl. Stir well
2. Place sauce in a covered con-
tainer and refrigerate for several
hours.
Makes about 3/4 cup
COOKING A ERICAN
FAST FOOD AT HOME!
NAME: Bill Welychka
PROFESSION: Much Music VJ
DESCRIPTION: Tight, curly locks,
tendency to talk with his hands a
lot, pearly whites, neat shirts
LAST SEEN: 2005
C
A
M
G
O
R
D
O
N
’S
CLAMMY J. BYNER is ready to
CHECK FACTS!
Does Elisha
Cuthbert really
hate children?
da
YES
NO
ELISHA CUTHBERT, star
of the new CBC series
GUNS and a reoccurring
character on 24, doesn’t
like to shoot the breeze
with fawning tween fans or donate to
worthwhile kid causes, say the Clam
Man’s insider. Elisha was spotted in
trendy Yorkville recently turning up
her nose at a child selling chocolates
for her school. “Yuck, almonds,” said
the bleach blond babe.
According to my Special tattler Eli-
sha hates giving out. Although her
new boyfriend, hockey cutie Sean Av-
ery, is always on the beat posing with
sick children and donating his time
and energy to the people, Elisha is
more concerned with days at the Spa
and working her way into Kiefer and
Donald Sutherland’s pool parties.
Was ET Canada’s
Cheryl Hickey
caught with her
pants down?
But the top Canadian gos-
sip gal, next to Clammy,
was seen two days in a
row in the same outfit. Oh
my! I know dresses cost a
lot of money, but really. Poor old Cher-
yl was the joke of tinsel town north as
the wannabe glitterati snickered at
her rags. Do you think ET CANADA is
made of money? Do you? Do you?
Does Reese hire goons
to keep fans from
speaking to her?
Walking down Bloor Street at the TORONTO
INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL, Reese
seemed to not have a care in the world. But
when a woman approached her to say she
loved her handbag a no-nonsense young business lady
leapt out from behind a corner and started shouting at
the stunned Torontonian: “You may not speak to Re-
ese Witherspoon. Do not attempt to speak to Reese
Witherspoon!”
My insiders tell me that more and more Hollywood
stars are hiring these talking heads to do their dirty
work for them.
Discouraged, but feeling less friendly, the hogtowner
said to a flock of nearby photographers: “The bag was
a fake anyway - I got the same one in Chinatown.”
Is Tanya Kim using a
Teleprompter?
E-TALK beauty Tanya is a pro and
memorizes her lines before she goes
on air. We overheard a producer say-
ing to the Toronto beauty: “Okay Tanya
do you know your important lines for
tonight? Hot, cool, hip, amazing, over to you Ben.”
Was Carly Pope star
stalking?
For Vancouver, BC, native, CARLY
POPE the Film Festival was all ac-
tion and she was seen at more events
than me. I even witnessed her scream-
ing like a schoolgirl when she heard
BRAD PITT was staying at the same hotel as her.
Despite her on the record comments on the fool-
ishness of celebrity it reminds me of an old joke.
Uh, two elderly women are at a Catskills moun-
tain resort, and one of ‘em says: “Boy, the food at
this place is really terrible.” The other one says,
“Yeah, I know, and such ... small portions.”
Lovely Lee was in
Toronto promoting
his newest movie,
LUST, when he was
spotted holding hands with
two young men. Ang was seen
by the Clamman himself stroll-
ing down Cumberland Avenue
with these two hunky looking
stunt doubles from Bareback
Mountain.
Although bystanders were as-
tonished to see the director of
the HULK in such a compro-
mising position, I fully under-
stand that it is a Taiwanese
custom to spend the night with
a couple of young local boys.
His two male companions
were speaking in very, very
slow English about the mean-
ing of a double-double and
telling him not to wander too
far away from them.
Was Ang Lee
holding hands
with two studs?
CHECK
FACTS!
d
a
NO
YES
YES
YES
E
xpert star hunter Kayvon Zahedi is no stranger to the
rich and famous. And after collecting over 10,000 celeb-
rity signatures in only 10 years, he’s now revealing his
secret tips to help you get the signature of your dreams.
Whether it’s Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie or even Daryn Jones,
Kayvon’s sleuth stalking has allowed him to rub elbows with
some of the biggest players in the industry.
“I started about ten years ago,” the Toronto resident tells
the Special. “But for me it’s all about my personal connection to
their work. I won’t sell anything for profit.”
In fact, adds Kayvon, he says that the signature is all about a
souvenir from the people that have inspired him to follow his
own dreams.
“I won’t get an autograph from just anyone. I’m not interested
in people like Avril Lavigne or pop rocker Billy Talent.”
However, he adds, that Canadians like Mike Myers and Dan
Aykroyd are some of his favourites.
“They were really nice guys.”
Interestingly enough, Kayvon is actually remembered by a lot
of stars and has even exchanged digits with one or two.
“I don’t understand why some people won’t sign autographs,”
he adds. “The Eagles, for example, hate their fans - they won’t
sign a thing.”
Kayvon will go to all lengths to get the signature of a star and,
the 27-year-old, has even travelled as far away as California.
He also adds that the celebrity craziness that goes on today
with magazines and television shows, is not what it was when
he first started collecting.
“The Toronto Film Festival used to be really small. Stars
would hang out on the street and mingle with fans. Now it’s cra-
zy with all the press and people chasing them around Yorkville.
The stars just want to show up for their film and go home.”
And now Kayvon is giving back to the community by helping
with Breast Cancer Awareness by collecting signatures from
musicians, actors and athletes and auctioning them off with all
proceeds going to breast cancer research. Now that proves that
the pen really is mightier than the sword.
O
V
E
R

1
0
,
0
0
0
S
I
G
N
A
T
U
R
E
S
CLAMMY J. BYNER is ready to
CHECK FACTS!
da
MAYBE
HOW TO MEET A
CELEBRITY
TOP 5 TIPS FOR AUTOGRAPH SEEKERS
•Be patient. It may take time, so bring the new
Harry Potter or the entire set.
•Approach them casually. Don’t attack them.
•Be respectful if they say no, don’t yell obscenities.
•Ask for one thing don’t hound them for pictures or
other things.
•Don’t sell them, keep them as a special souvenir.
You’ll remember it forever.
If you follow this sound advice then you may also have
10,000 signatures in no time at all.
Is Tanya Kim using a
Teleprompter?
E-TALK beauty Tanya is a pro and
memorizes her lines before she goes
on air. We overheard a producer say-
ing to the Toronto beauty: “Okay Tanya
do you know your important lines for
tonight? Hot, cool, hip, amazing, over to you Ben.”
Was Carly Pope star
stalking?
For Vancouver, BC, native, CARLY
POPE the Film Festival was all ac-
tion and she was seen at more events
than me. I even witnessed her scream-
ing like a schoolgirl when she heard
BRAD PITT was staying at the same hotel as her.
Despite her on the record comments on the fool-
ishness of celebrity it reminds me of an old joke.
Uh, two elderly women are at a Catskills moun-
tain resort, and one of ‘em says: “Boy, the food at
this place is really terrible.” The other one says,
“Yeah, I know, and such ... small portions.”
Did Terrence Howard
fight with hotel security?
Who says that Toronto
is a multicultural
mecca?
TERRENCE HOWARD
was heard complaining to a friend
that he was hassled by security
guards throughout the city during
the film fest.
And although the cool and col-
lected CRASH star didn’t lose his
temper with the stunned jocks, he
did come close.
“I’m used to that kind of treatment
in LA, but I was surprised,” he told
a friend of a friend.
Hotel security couldn’t complete a
sentence by press time. So we just
have to assume that they’re think-
ing of a response.
Lovely Lee was in
Toronto promoting
his newest movie,
LUST, when he was
spotted holding hands with
two young men. Ang was seen
by the Clamman himself stroll-
ing down Cumberland Avenue
with these two hunky looking
stunt doubles from Bareback
Mountain.
Although bystanders were as-
tonished to see the director of
the HULK in such a compro-
mising position, I fully under-
stand that it is a Taiwanese
custom to spend the night with
a couple of young local boys.
His two male companions
were speaking in very, very
slow English about the mean-
ing of a double-double and
telling him not to wander too
far away from them.
Was Ang Lee
holding hands
with two studs?
Did
George
Clooney
confess
that he’s
no longer
single?
GEORGE
CLOONEY
was spot-
ted all over
town with
numerous gals going gaga
over this Ocean’s Eleven,
Twelve and Thirteen
hunkaholic.
At a meeting on the
street outside the Wind-
sor Arms the Cloon was
asked by the Clam wheth-
er he was seeing anyone.
George who makes a
point of never kissing and
telling, confided to this
former FACTS OF LIFE
script supervisor that yes
he was, but that was just
between me, him and the
rest of Clammy’s closest
443 pals on FACEBOOK.
Oh and by the way, she’s
not the rumoured model
SARAH LARSON. She’s a
burly Brazilian with an
adam’s apple the size of
the Sudbury nickle.
NO
CHECK
FACTS!
d
a
YES
YES
M
Y
S
T
E
R
I
O
N
the
mentalist
W
I
N

B
I
G
Go to www.thespecial.ca for contest entry form. Prize valued at $125.
AUTHENTIC
CELEBRITY
GIFT BAG
in support of breast cancer awareness month
•A stylish shoulder bag to hold the
essential autograph tools.
•A durable autograph book and a hat
to be signed.
•Twelve different Sharpie retractable
markers.
•The Sharpie Pink Ribbon marker
created to support Breast Cancer.
•Water and breath mints to stay fresh
while waiting for a celebrity.
•A 27-exposure camera with prepaid
photo processing.
PRIZE PACK
INCLUDES:
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Name
Street
City
Prov. Postal Code
HAMILTON, ON — The Special has learned that
longtime Canadian Independent Wrestling
legend Bloody Bill Scullion has had it with
Toronto’s pencil pushing offce workers.
And now he plans to bring an army of wres-
tlers into the heart of hogtown to prove that
Hamilton is where real men live and work.
Tension has been building between the two
metropolis’s for years and, that is why I, the
brave Doctor Mysterion, will defend the hon-
our of this fne city. I fear no man who would
dare insult Ontario’s meeting place, cultural
playground... oh, and tax hole.
“Toronto is flled with nothing but offce man-
agers and pencil pushing fling clerks,” blus-
ters Scullion. “We’re going to show you the
real backbone of industry is the Steel City and
that we’re tougher than anyone out there. Just
try us!!!”
The showdown is planned for September 22nd
at Zero Gravity Circus, 1300 Gerrard Street,
and will feature a bloodbath of competition
between both town’s top wrestlers.
“Toronto has changed over the years from the
hard working industry town to a mix of condos
and clubs,” says one Hamilton wrestler. “If we
lost we wouldn’t be able to show our
face in Hamilton again. We’d be a
joke. We have tougher practices.”
Although, I was born here, I ad-
mit these wrestlers have a bit of a
point.
The lack of a good solid Protestant
work ethic in this city is unimagi-
nable. Who knows - one of these gi-
ants may be able to pull a streetcar
down Queen Street - giving us a hell
of a lot more service than the TTC
has in ages.
M
Y
S
T
E
R
I
O
N
the
mentalist
GHOUL OF THE MONTH: Canadian Burlesque Sensation
and Pin Up Doll Virginia D’Vine loves to Rock n’ Roll,
while taking it off on stage to the roar of the audience.
Tattooed and dangerous the only innocent thing about
her is her smile. This crazy chick is the only gal in town
who spins fre tassels!!! Be careful, though, she drinks
like a sailor and if you get her angry she might just lock
you in a headlock.
STEEL CITY
WRESTLERS
PLAN HOGTOWN
SLAM DOWN
SUMMER SLAM: Blood, glory in a win-
ner take-all slam down of epic pro-
portions between Hamilton and To-
ronto. Who needs the CFL, anyway?
Ever accidentally mixed a hand full of 20 dol-
lar bills in a batch of yummy donut batter? Us
neither, but that’s exactly what happened to
Vancouver donutterre Sheila Ward.
The owner of a Calgary donut shop, Ward
accidentally dropped the previous nights
earnings in the donut mixer.
“It was early and I was counting our earn-
ings while getting a batch of duchies ready,”
she explains. “I must have bumped the table
and about three hundred dollars flew into
the mixer - where they got chopped into tiny
batter coated pieces.”
But worry-Ward found out there was a sweet
centre to her whole donut problem, when she
found out the government will actually reim-
burse you.
The mutilated bank notes division of the
Bank of Canada replaces $3 million dol-
lars every year in shredded, burnt, torn and
damaged bills. Federal scientists and bank
note experts conduct painstaking analysis of
thousands of bank notes and fragments ev-
ery year in Ottawa.
Whether it’s a Hamster that has chewed up
your money or a case of fire or flood, the cash
converters at the Bank of Canada will, at no
charge, review the remains of damaged bills
and give you back what was destroyed!
Happily, Ward got back all $300 that was
lost in the donut debacle.
And the Bank of Canada bets Special read-
ers dollars to donuts, no matter how your
money met its untimely end - they can figure
out how much cash you lost and replace it!
SHREDDED CASH SAVED
BY SMART SHOP GIRL
-M.A. Tamburro
T
H
E
CLAMMY J. BYNER
Is this the fi rst episode we’re watching Captain?
CAPTAIN CAN-CON
Yes. The one that garnered a whopping 2.1 million viewers.
FRIENDLY
So it’s a sitcom?
RITA STE. MARIE
Sort of. There’s no laugh track.
CAPTAIN CAN-CON
The word sitcom brings instant death to any Canadian series. The CBC
is calling it ‘an unabashed comedy debunking stereotypes and destroying
prejudice.’
FRIENDLY
Comedy with a message – here we go. The opening scene has Carlo Rotas
character attempting to cover up running a mosque out of the local Christian
parish. WTF? That doesn’t seem like a very good idea.
CAPTAIN CAN-CON
That’s the confl ict.
FRIENDLY
Uh-oh in comes the town idiot and he’s discovered the elaborate scheme.
CLAMMY J. BYNER
What elaborate? They’re worshiping in the church basement.
FRIENDLY
Uh-oh the dude is freaking out and tripping over chairs.
RITA STE. MARIE And cue racism.
CAPTAIN CAN-CON No, cue opening credits full of the actors mugging it up ala Three’s
Company.
RITA STE. MARIE The cast is a who’s who of Canadian brown actors.
CAPTAIN CAN-CON Mmm, Zaib Shaikh played a gay guy on Metropia, Sitara Hewitt from You
Bet Your Ass playing a sexy prize model and Carlo Rota who is a terrorist
on 24.
CLAMMY J. BYNER So these guys have all played stereotypes and have now been cast as...
RITA STE. MARIE … give the show a chance it’s just the credits. Oh Debra McGrath.
CAPTAIN CAN-CON ...wife of Colin Mochrie, part of the comedy duo Women Fully Clothed.
CLAMMY J. BYNER Oh and a little known fact – not funny.
CAPTAIN CAN-CON Manoj Sood, I think they pulled this guy out of Tim Hortons.
S
u
p
e
r
f
a
n
s

w
h
a
t

n
o
t

t
o

W
A
T
C
H
.
.
.
While the blatant corpora-
tization of the school system
was once an outrageous idea,
it may become reality if cash
strapped school boards get
their way. School boards are
steamed-up over their lack of
funding from the government
and are now soliciting spon-
sors like Starbucks or Wal-
Mart. The Ottawa-Carleton
District School Board has
recently admitted they were
considering selling naming
rights to their schools to such
big-name companies!
But what would happen if
your town tried to get one of
its big corporations like Star-
bucks to sponsor schools?
It would mean you’d want
to know where your coffee
money was going!
FILTERING YOUR
COFFEE CUP
Rumour has it school uniforms will be the
same as Starbucks. Great they are establish-
ing a future for our kids. Not enough schools
teach you how to take orders, and look how
many receptionists out there will finally be
able to make a decent cup of coffee!
Dark Matter
(You’re not going to drink it anyway)
Course calendars will be made
to reflect the Starbucks image.
Streams : Venti, Grande and Tall
(Extra Shots = extra credits)
the brown
drown
(coffee class distinction)
New text book, Language
Arts Remedial, dealing with
Celebrities. Available at all
Starbucks locations.
Frothy
goodness
(it’s all head)
A concerned parent issued this
statement upon hearing of Star-
bucks plans: “We don’t want our
children thinking that Samuel
de Champlain enjoyed an iced
decaf, triple, grande cinnamon
nonfat, no-whip mocha with a
biscotti during a teepee pow-
wow with Chief Yuppie With Too
Much Change.”
cover up
(caution: contents Absurd)
Morning announcements will
feature Starbucks music. Juan
from band class dreams his 4
piece recorder band can get
signed to the Starbucks label
alongside the likes of Paul Mc-
Cartney. Juan asked us: “Is he in
Arcade Fire?”
cool band
(COFFEE REVOLUTION)
FRIENDLY

Hang on - IMDB. He’s been on every Da Vinci show from City Hall to Da Vinci’s
Spaghetti Funhouse - more than 30 Can-Con shows.
CAPTAIN CAN-CON
Biggest credit though I see - Breaker High! Oh Sheila McCarthy gets an ‘and’
credit - meaning she has a real meaty role on the programme.
CLAMMY J. BYNER
So she’s basically Mona from Who’s The Boss?
FRIENDLY
Okay here we go. Oh no a Muslim in an airport this isn’t going to go well. And
now he’s joking about a bomb. Jeez a zany comedy about Muslims only 6 years
after 9/11, genius CBC.
CAPTAIN CAN-CON
Here’s a surprise he’s being arrested.
CLAMMY J. BYNER
Cliché love. Some authors write with a computer and others with a giant barrel of
clichés.
RITA STE. MARIE
There’s Mona I mean Sheila. She’s arguing with a Jamaican Muslim woman
about goat verses cucumber sandwiches for the mosque opening celebration. How
multicultural.
CLAMMY J. BYNER
And now the wacky family scene. With Carlo who’s too young to be Sitara’s dad,
Sheila who’s too old to be her mom and Sitara who’s too funny to be in this show.
FRIENDLY
This scene with Sitara and Seb is weird. They seem way to familiar with each
other trading insults and barbs. Unless he’s banging her burqa.
RITA STE. MARIE Amar’s the Iman?
FRIENDLY That’s confusing.
CLAMMY J. BYNER That’s hilarity.
RITA STE. MARIE Why would they do that?
CLAMMY
To distract the viewers from the lack of laughs.
RITA STE. MARIE I’m confused. Is it a bad sign when the ads are more interesting than the show.
CAPTAIN CAN-CON Now the parish priest is resolving the non-existent problem “I hope you’ve learned
that honesty is the best policy.”
FRIENDLY Thanks Bob Saget.
CLAMMY
They reached into the cliché barrel for that one.
CAPTAIN CAN-CON Shallow barrel.
LITTLE MOSQUE
10 YEARS IN THE FUTURE
Season 10 Episodes:
Due to continued high ratings Global
mistakenly purchases the show from CBC
thinking it’s American.
Sitara’s twins get into mischief at the town fair.
Academy Award Winner Mark-Paul
Gosselaar appears in the film noir episode:
Laura’s Lost Weekend in Mercy.
A Very Special Episode: Internet Cancer
Show shot on location in Hawaii
CTV picks up spin off series
Big Mosque in the City.
10 years of sexual tension between Sitara and
Carlo could lead to a wedding - or not.
Tensions flair when Scientologists come to
town to re-educate the man animals in the
way of the Xenu.
SCREWED:
It was a typical day in the big city for
mild mannered librarian Sara, when all of
the sudden local troublemaker Alberto
Gonzales pulled up next to her.
For now order would be restored in
the big city, but for how long no one
knows...
Come on, babe, give Alberto a
kissy kiss...I give you ride to
beach for some fun!
Revolted Sara had enough of
this low class monkey man.
the end
PHOTOGRAPHY
647-229-6677
Quebec City

Toronto
St. John’s
Vancouver
P
O
W
S
L
A
M
BIG CITY, MEAN STREETS
a special photo comic
THEN....In a flash. Sara ducks
behind a tree. where she is in-
stantly transformed. from
librarian to liberator.
WE WANT TO HEAR
YOUR STORIES!
e-mail us at
editor@thespecial.ca
if you have a story or tip we
want to hear from you.

be part of canada’s best
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NEXT TIME IN
THE SPECIAL
CONRAD BLACK’S
FUTURE PAL
SPEAKS ABOUT
LIFE UP THE RIVER
CANADA’S TOP
ADULT FILM STAR
FIGHTS TO KEEP
HER JR. HIGH
TEACHING JOB!!
FOOD NETWORK
MELTDOWN:
ON SET SCRAPS!
plus regular updates online
at www.thespecial.ca
Libra Scorpio Sagittarius
September 24 - October 23 October 24 - November 22 November 23 - December 22
Sometimes success will come
in silence. Your life work is
being dragged down by con-
stant chatter. Animals that
prepare early for the cold live
warmly all year round.
Don’t be overbearing with the
possessions of others. Steal-
ing booze from a party only
makes parochial friendships;
petty thievery demonstrates
a lack of class.
Don’t confuse good man-
ners with respect and good
judgment. Such an error will
produce catastrophic re-
sults. Manners are measured
in words, respect is proven
through gesture and deeds.
Capricorn Aquarius Pisces
December 23 - January 19 January 20 - February 19 February 20 - March 20
Alcohol can sometimes bring
great happiness, but for you
it will only bring pyrrhic victo-
ries. It is time to get your act
together, buddy. It was cool 5
years ago to get blotto, but
now it takes you two days to
get over a hangover.
Stop worrying, Aquarius,
cheerfulness will pay big divi-
dends in the fall. There’s no
underestimating a big smile,
especially when it comes time
to meet new friends.
Your anxiousness stems from
the fact that you are close to
something you have long de-
sired. Becoming impatient at
this point would be counter-
productive. Let good fortune
fall into your lap.
Aries Taurus Gemini
March 21 - April 20 April 21 - May 21 may 22 - June 22
Behaving conservatively in
social settings will bring
about conservative results.
It’s time to hit the dance foor
and get your mojo on. Saché,
Saché.
To break free from your stale
life, Taurus, you must break
out of your boring, stubborn
routines and draft a vision of
success. Do you really live to
drink Steel back Thunder and
play computer games? Your
complacency is producing
your bad habits.
Your charm is found in your
ability to quietly change the
company you keep. Be at-
tentive to those people who
make you happy, as well as
those who are delighted by
your kind nature. Now is the
time to travel.
Cancer Leo Virgo
June 23 - July 23 July 24 - August 23 August 24 - September 23
Oceans sometimes pose
complications. If this is so,
Cancer, you have lost control.
Issues with friends demand
a meeting. An issue with a
house mate requires more
precise communication.
Emotional pettiness destroys
freedom.
Sex is good when it releas-
es tension, but it is better
when it brings you closer to
your partner. Sleeping in the
shadows of an ex- lover will
only bring more tension and
stress.
Be careful giving advice in the
next month. Sometimes your
attention to detail is taken as
unwanted criticism, no mat-
ter how well intentioned you
may be. A hug is sometimes
all that is needed.
The Special’s Guide to the Stars
ar owners in Canada’s oldest
city are worried that drunken
sailor spending, the cornerstone
of the industry’s economic well-
being, is waning.
“I’ve forgotten what to do with a drunken sail-
or,” says William Bernache, owner of Heavers, a
local club that caters to seafaring customers in
St. John’s. “Forget what to do with them early in
the morning, I can’t get them at happy hour.”
Bernache is concerned that the intoxication in-
dustry is rapidly changing.
“Time was when cheap strippers and beer was
all it took to empty the wallets of my clientele.
Now they’re more likely to order wine spritzers
and show each other what they bought shop-
ping.”
In fact, says Bernache, brawls,
and drunken free-for-alls are
down drastically for the third
consecutive year. This does not
auger well for the future.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a Ca-
nadian Navy offcer adds that today’s modern
sailor is a caring, responsible individual.
“I know from history about sailors of the past,”
says the source. “We’re not comfortable being
manipulated into that stereotype. It’s a very dif-
ferent Merchant Marine today.”
He points to his crew, raising
money to donate to social and en-
vironmental causes. They have be-
come increasingly concerned, he
says, about the environment, and
recently decided to work towards
offsetting the “carbon footprint” their destroyer
makes when they are on manoeuvres or patrol.
Barkeep Bernache waxes poetic on the days
when mops and pails were made at the ready
to tackle the inevitable sea of puke. “There were
condom machines to fll, beer cases to stack, and
strippers to oil. Now ferns and art posters replace
the chain link that once graced the bar.”
“Last week there was a fuss because the chiraz
was too sour and there was not enough lemon
in the humus.”
Slumped over the empty bar Bernache says that
it’s a whole new industry from the one he inher-
ited from his father. “I worry about the future.
We need more of the unruly horny mobs of men
whipped into a frenzy by booze if this industry
is to survive.”
BAR INDUSTRY RAISES CONCERNS
DRUNKEN SAILOR SPENDING DOWN
The
pecial
S
-I. Withavee
B
KIDS!
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