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In Memory of Gordon MacAninch

1920 - 2001

Parkinson Disease Support


Volume 3

Jokes and Stuff Volume 3


Sex is like air; it is not important unless you
arent getting any!
Youd be a Ten
Little Johnny puts up his hand in class and
tells the teacher he has to pee. Teacher decides
this is an opportunity for an English lesson and
tells him that the word to use is urinate. So if he
uses the word urinate in a sentence he may go to
the washroom.
Johnny thinks about this for a while, then
puts up his hand. The teacher says to go ahead
and use the word urinate in a sentence.
Johnny says teacher urinate, but if you
had bigger boobs, youd be a ten.
The Fly And The Cat
In the heat of the summer, a fly was resting
on a leaf beside a lake.
A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, Gosh, if I go down three inches I will
feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.
There was a fish in the water thinking,
Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can
eat him.
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...that
fish will jump for the fly and I will eat him.
It also happened that a hunter was further
up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese
sandwich. Gosh, he thought, if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that
bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
Ill shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.
You probably think this is enough activity
for one bank of a lake. But I can tell you there
was more.
A wee mouse by the hunters foot was
thinking, Gosh, if that fly goes down three
inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that
bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will
shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this


scene and thought, as was fashionable do on the
banks of this particular lake around lunch time.
Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches,
and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear
grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that
bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese
sandwich; then I can have mouse for lunch.
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry
that he heads down for the cooling mist of the
water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish! ...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich.
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes
down three inches, some pussy is in danger.
Conversations heard between golfers
and caddies...
Golfer: Well I never played this badly before.
Cadie: I didnt realize you layed before, sir!
Golfer: Caddie, do you think my game is
improving?
Caddie: Oh yes sir! You miss the ball much
closer than you used to.
Golfer: This golf is a funny game.
Caddie: Its not supposed to be.
Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5
iron?
Caddie: Eventually.
Golfer: (screaming) Youve got to be the worst
caddy in the world.
Caddie: I doubt it. That would be to much of a
coincidence!

Forgive Your Enemies


The new preacher, in his Sunday sermon,
used Forgive Your Enemies as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were
willing to forgive their enemies. About half held
up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued for
other twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This received a response of eighty percent. Still
unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and
repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday
dinner, all responded except one old gentleman
in the rear.
Mr. McNeese, are you not willing to
forgive your enemies?
I dont have any.
Mr. McNeese, that is very unusual. How
old are you?
Eighty six.
Mr. McNeese, please come down in front
and tell the congregation how a man can live to
eighty six and not have an enemy in the world.
The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly
turned around.
Its easy. I just outlived the sons of
bitches.

Principal: What is 6 x 6? Johnny: 36.


And so it went with every question the
principal thought a third grader should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells
her, I think Johnny can go to the third grade.
The teacher says to the principal, Let me
ask him some questions?
The principal and Johnny both agree. The
teacher asks, What does a cow have four of
that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment, Legs.
Teacher: What is in your pants that you
have but I do not have?
The principals eyes open really wide and
before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied,
Pockets.
Teacher: What does a dog do that a man
steps into? Johnny: Pants
Teacher: What starts with an F and ends
in K that means a lot of excitement? Johnny:
Fire truck.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and
told the teacher, Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I
missed the last four questions myself
She screamed for six hours

Johnny to Fifth Grade


A first grade teacher was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked,
Johnny what is your problem?
Johnny answered, Im too smart for the
first grade.
My sister is in the third grade and Im
smarter than she is I think I should be in the
third grade too
The teacher had had enough. She took
Johnny to the principals office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to
the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions
are explained to him and he agrees to take the
test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3? Johnny: 9.

Three men are discussing their previous


nights lovemaking.
The Italian says, My wife, I rubbed her all
over with fine olive oil, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.
The Frenchman says, I smooth sweet
butter on my wifes body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour.
The Jewish guy says, I covered my wifes
body with schmaltz [chicken fat]. We made love
and she screamed for six hours.
The others say, Six hours? How did you
make her scream for six hours?
He shrugs. I wiped my hands on the
drapes.
Old Age Fertility
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65
year old woman has a baby. All her relatives
come to visit and meet the newest member of

their family. When they ask to see the baby, the


65 year old mother says, Not yet. A little later
they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother
says Not yet.
Finally they say, When can we see the baby?
And the mother says, When the baby cries.
And they ask, Why do we have to wait until
the baby cries?
The new mother says, Because I forgot where I
put it.
Daisy
A man sat quietly reading his morning
paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is
knocked almost senseless by his wife, who
stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.
Man: What was that for?
Wife: Why do you have a piece of paper
in your pocket with Daisy written on it?
Man: Oh honey, dont you remember two
weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on.
The wife was satisfied, and apologized for
bonking him.
Three days later he is again sitting reading
the paper when once again he is bonked on the
head.
Man: Whats that for this time?
Wife: Your horse called.
Good advice
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest
Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He
spends years with the people, teaching them to
read, write, and the good Christian ways of the
white man. One thing he particularly stresses is
the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit
adultery or fornication!
One day the wife of one of the tribes
noblemen gives birth to a white child. The
village is shocked and the chief is sent by his
people to talk with the missionary. You have
taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a

black woman gives birth to a white child. You


are the only white man that has ever set foot in
our village. It doesnt take a genius to work out
what has been going on!
The missionary replies, No, no, my good
man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a
natural occurrencewhat is called an albino.
Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white
sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one.
Nature does this on occasion.
The chief pauses for a moment then says
Tell you what, you dont say anything about
the sheep, I wont say anything about the white
child.
Evanglical Healing
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing
service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to
be healed to go to their television set, place one
hand on the TV and the other hand on the body
part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the
television set, placed her right hand on the set
and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that
was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV,
placed his right hand on the set and his left hand
on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, I guess
you just dont get it. The purpose of doing this
is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.
Did Leroy Get His Bike?
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where
his mother was making dinner. His birthday was
coming up and he thought this was a good time
to tell his mother what he wanted.
Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.
Little Leroy was a bit of a trouble maker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at
home. Leroys mother asked him if he thought
he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little
Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroys
mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy
to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
Go to your room, Leroy, and think about

how you have behaved this year. Then write a


letter to God and tell him why you deserve a
bike for your birthday.
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his
room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year
I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy
Leroy knew that this wasnt true. He had
not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up
the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a
good boy this year and I would like a red bike
for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend,
Leroy
Leroy knew that this wasnt true either. So,
he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still
would really like a bike for my birthday.
Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to
God either. So, Leroy wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I havent been a good boy this year.
I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just
send me a red bike for my birthday.
Please!
Thank you,
Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it were true, this letter
was not going to get him a bike. Now, Leroy
was very upset. He went downstairs and told his
mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroys
mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy
looked very sad. Just be home in time for
dinner, Leroys mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church


on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church
and up to the altar. He looked around to see if
anyone was there. Leroy bent down, and picked
up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it
under his shirt and ran out of the church, down
the street, into the house, and up to his room. He
shut the door to his room and sat down with a
piece of paper and a pen.
Letter 5
God,
IVE GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,
SEND THE BIKE!
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
Two Wishes
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich
following close behind him and as he sits down,
the bartender comes over, and asks for their
order.
The man says, Ill have a beer, and turns
to the ostrich and says, Whats yours? Ill
have a beer too, says the ostrich. The bartender
pours the beer and says That will be $3.40
please. The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for the payment of the
two beers.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come
in again, and the man says, Ill have a beer,
and the ostrich says, How nice! Ill have the
very same thing. Once again the man reaches
into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine, the man always
ordering ... and the ostrich always agreeing and
ordering exactly the same drink, until late one
evening, the two enter again. The usual? asks
the bartender. Well, its close to last call, so
Ill have a large Scotch, says the man. Same
for me, says the ostrich happily. That will be
$7.20 says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out
of his pocket and places it on the bar. The
bartender cant hold back his curiosity any
longer. Excuse me sir. How do you manage to
always come up with the EXACT change out of

your pocket every time?


Well, says the man, several years ago I
was cleaning an old attic and found an old oil
lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if
I ever had to pay for anything at all, I could just
put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount
of money would always be there.
Thats brilliant! says the bartender.
Most people would wish for a million dollars
or something like that, but youll always be as
rich as you need to be for as long as you live!
Thats right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,
says the man.
The bartender asks One other thing, sir . . .
whats with the ostrich? The man replies My
second wish was for a really agreeable chick
with long legs.
The Centipede Pet
This guy was lonely so he decided life
would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to
the pet store and told the owner that he wanted
to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he
finally bought a centipede which came in a little
white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good
location for the box and decided he would start
off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a
drink. So he asked the centipede in the box,
Would you like to go to Franks with me and
have a beer?
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few
minutes and then asked him again, How about
going to the bar and having a drink with me?
But again, there was no answer from his
new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes
more, thinking about the situation. He decided
to ask him one more time; this time putting his
face up against the centipedes house and shouting, Hey, in there! Would you like to go to
Franks place and have a drink with me?
A little voice came out of the box: I heard
you the first time! Im putting on my friggin
shoes.

Women
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when
they are nervous
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.
They dont take no for an answer when they
believe there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can
have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer
when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or
a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is
no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a
broken heart.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and
shapes.
Theyll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to
show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world
spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and
friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

ITS BEAUTIFUL WOMEN


MONTH!
Its Good to be the Woman
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious
gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We dont look like a frog in a blender when
dancing.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival


The Speedo.
We dont have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever
touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to
make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, were
aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve
all your problems.
Well never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at
their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men
are in their presence, because they arent listening anyway.
Lunch With God
There once was a little boy who wanted to
meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where
God lived, so he packed his suitcase with
Twinkies and a six-pack of root beer, and he
started his journey.
When he had gone a few blocks from
home, he met an old man. He was sitting in the
park near the water just staring at some birds .
The boy sat down next to him and opened
his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from
his root beer, when he noticed that the old man
looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie.
The old man gratefully accepted it and
smiled at him. His smile was so incredible that
the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him
a root beer.
Once again, he smiled at him. The boy was
delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating
and smiling, but they never said a word.
As it grew dark, the boy realised how tired
he was, and he got up to leave, but before he had
gone more than a few steps; he turned around,
and ran back to the old man, and gave him a
hug.

The old man gave him his biggest smile


ever, When the boy returned to his home a short
time later, his mother was surprised by the look
of joy on his face. She asked her son: What did
you do today that made you so happy?
The child replied: I had lunch with God.
But before his mother could respond, he added:
You know what? Hes got the most beautiful
smile Ive ever seen!
Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with
joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned
by the look of peace on his face and asked:
Dad, what did you do today that made you
so happy?
He replied: I ate Twinkies in the park with
God.
But before his son responded, he added:
You know, Hes much younger than I
expected.
Too often we underestimate the power of a
touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an
honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring.
All of which have the potential to make
someones day a very special one, or even turn
someones life around.
Enjoy your trip
As the airliner pushed back from the gate,
the flight attendant gave the passengers the
usual information regarding seat belts etc.
Finally, she said, Now sit back and enjoy
your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell
and crew take you safely to your destination.
Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, Did I hear her right; is the captain a
woman? I think I better have a scotch and soda.
When the attendants came by with the
drink cart, he said, Did I understand you right?
Is the captain a woman?
Yes, said the attendant, In fact, this
entire crew is female.
My God, said Joe, Id better have two
scotch and sodas. Idont know what to think of
all those women up there in the cockpit.
Thats another thing, said the attendant,
We no longer call it the cockpit. Now its the
box office.

A Wonderful Night
After a long night of making love the
young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette
from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she
had one at hand.
There might be some matches in the top
drawer.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table
and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top
of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
Is this your husband? he inquired nervously. No, silly, she replied, snuggling up to
him.
Your boyfriend then? he asked. No, not
at all, she said, nibbling away at his ear.
Well, who is he then? demanded the
bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, Thats me before
the operation.
Subject: Confession
An elderly Italian man asked the local
priest to hear his confession.
Father, during World War II a beautiful
woman knocked on my door and asked me to
hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my
attic.
The priest replied: That was a wonderful
thing you did, my son, and you have no need to
confess.
Its worse, Father. I was weak and told her
she must repay me with her sexual favors.
You were both in great danger and would
have suffered terribly if the Germans had found
her. Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will
balance the good and evil, and judge you kindly.
You are forgiven.
Thank you, Father. Thats a great load off
my mind. But I have one more question.
And what is that?
Should I tell her the war is over?
Origin of You Gotta Be Shittin Me
You know how people are always wondering how certain phrases came into being, like

Dont shoot till you see the whites of their


eyes and Remember the Alamo and so on.
A lot of people asked me where the saying
You gotta be shittin me! came from. It so
happens I know.
Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops. They
were packed into the boats. It was extremely
dark and storming furiously. The water was
tossing them back and forth.
Finally Washington grabbed Corporal
Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat
with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging
it so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and
driving rain, swinging the lantern back and
forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and
threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the
Delaware. Washington and his troops searched
for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no
avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal
had been one their favorite soldiers.
An hour later Washington and his troops
landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them
they must go on. Another hour later Washington and his men could go no further. One of his
men said,General, I see lights ahead. They
trudged towards the lights and came upon a
huge house there in the woods. What they didnt
know was this was a house of ill repute hidden
in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door,
his men crowding around him. The door swung
open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there. A huge
smile came across her face to see so many men
standing there.
Washington spoke up, Mamm, Im
General George Washington and these are my
men. Were tired and exhausted and desperately
need warmth and comfort for a while.
Again the Madam looked at all the men
standing there and with a broad smile on her
face said, Well General, you have come to the
right place. We can surely give you warmth and
comfort. How many men do you have? Wash-

ington said, Well mam, there are thirty-two of


us without Peters.
Madam said, You gotta be shittin me!
Mary, the Lifeguard
Jim and Mary were both patients in a
mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the
bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She
swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware
of Marys heroic act, he immediately ordered
her to be discharged from the hospital, as he
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he
said, Mary, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is youre being discharged
because, since you were able to jump in and
save the life of another patient, I think youve
regained your senses. The bad news is that Jim,
the patient you saved, hung himself with his
bathrobe belt in the bathroom. Im so sorry, but
hes dead.
Mary replied, He didnt hang himself, I
put him there to dry.
Reminiscing
Three older ladies were sitting side by side
in their retirement home reminiscing.
Joan, First old Lady recalled shopping at
the green grocers and demonstrated with her
hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber
she could buy for a penny.
Myrtle, Second old lady nodded, adding
that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper
also and demonstrated the size of two big onions
she could buy for a penny a piece.
Lois, Third old lady remarked, I cant
hear a word youre saying, but I remember the
guy youre talking about.
Signs You Live in 2002
1. You just tried to enter your password on the
microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach
yourfamily of three.

3. You call your sons beeper to let him know


its time to eat. He e-mails you back from his
bedroom, Whats for dinner?
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via
her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger
from South Africa, but you havent spoken with
your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken
noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a
JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a
screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use
your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web
site address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is
out of date and now sells for half the price you
paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
which you didnt have the first 20 or 30 years of
your life, is cause for panic and you turn around
to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit,
to make a purchase would be a hassle and take
planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting
the fast food bags out of the back seat of your
car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with
family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat
filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multicolored
Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail
instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get
phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get an
awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a
loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go on-line before
getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom


and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to
smile. :)
24. Youre reading this.
25. Even worse; youre going to forward it to
someone else
Flight Safety
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions in
aviation are, Why is it doing that?, Where
are we? and Shit!
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with
numbers.
Progress in airline flying: now a flight
attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
In aviation, gravity is a law not subject to
repeal.
Airspeed, altitude or brains: two are always
needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a
row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying
was dangerous.
Will Rogers never met a fighter pilot.
We have a perfect record in aviation: we
never left one up there!
f the wings are traveling faster than the
fuselage, its probably a helicopter - and unsafe.
Federal Aviation Regulations are written
by lawyers to promote violations and lawsuits.
Flashlights are tubular metal containers
kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing
dead batteries.
Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots:
Flaring is like squatting to pee.
Flying the airplane is more important than
radioing your plight to a person on the ground
incapable of understanding it.
An accident investigation attempts to place
blame on the hapless for brief lapses.
To err is human; to forgive divine - neither
of which is FAA policy.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly
well, something was forgotten. Robert
Livingston, Flying The Aeronca

The only time an aircraft has too much fuel


on board is when it is on fire. Sir Charles
Kingsford Smith, sometime before his death in
the 1920s
If you cant afford to do something right,
then be darn sure you can afford to do it wrong.
Charlie Nelson
Just remember, if you crash because of
weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny
day. Layton A. Bennett
I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single motored airplanes at
night. Charles A. Lindbergh to Wiley Post, 1931
Never fly the A model of anything. Ed
Thompson
Keep thy airspeed up, lest the earth come
from below and smite thee. William Kershner
When a prang seems inevitable, endeavor
to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity, as slowly and gently as possible. Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II.
Always keep an out in your hip pocket.
Bevo Howard
The Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you. Attributed to Max
Stanley, Northrop test pilot
A pilot who doesnt have any fear probably
isnt flying his plane to its maximum. Jon
McBride, astronaut
If youre faced with a forced landing, fly
the thing as far into the crash as possible. Bob
Hoover
If an airplane is still in one piece, dont
cheat on it; Ride the bastard down. Ernest K.
Gann, advice from the old pelican
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death
I Shall Fear No Evil For I Am 80,000 Feet and
Climbing. Sign over the entrance to the SR-71
operating location on Kadena AB Okinawa
Youve never been lost until youve been
lost at Mach 3. Paul F Crickmore,
The emergencies you train for almost never
happen; Its the one you cant train for that kills
you. Ernest K. Gann, advice from the old
pelican
If you want to grow old as a pilot, youve
got to know when to push it, and when to back
off. Chuck Yeager

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. Richard Herman Jr., Firebreak
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. Sign over squadron ops
desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970. (It was
still there in 1972.)
The three best things in life are a good
landing, a good orgasm, and good bowel movement; The night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities in life to experience all three at the
same time. Unknown
A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check
out on the glass cockpit of an A-320: Now I
know what a dog feels like watching TV.
It only takes two things to fly: airspeed
and money.
What is the similarity between air traffic
controllers and pilots?; If a pilot screws up, the
pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
Its better to break ground and head into
the wind than to break wind and head into the
ground.
A copilot is a knothead until he spots
opposite direction traffic at 12 oclock, after
which hes a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.
Without ammunition the USAF would be
just another expensive flying club.
If something hasnt broken on your helicopter, its about to.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter
scale.
Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized
by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea,
trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there.
The Bell Ringers
After Quasimodos death, the bishop of the
Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the
streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was
needed. The bishop decided that he would
conduct the interviews personally and went up

into the belfry to begin the screening process.


After observing several applicants demonstrate
their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just
then, an armless man approached him and
announced that he was there to apply for the bell
ringers job.
The bishop was incredulous. You have no
arms!.
No matter, said the man. Observe! And
he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The
bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he
had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a
bell, the armless man tripped and plunged
headlong out of the belfry window to his death
in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed
to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had
gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the
beautiful music they had heard only moments
before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop
through, one of them asked, Bishop, who was
this man?.
I dont know his name, the bishop sadly
replied...but his face rings a bell.
WAIT! WAIT! Theres more .
The following day, despite the sadness that
weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
bishop continued his interviews for the bell
ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, Your
Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless
wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by
allowing me to replace him in this duty.
The bishop agreed to give the man an
audition, and, as the armless mans brother
stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first
bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled
around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishops cries of
grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs
to his side.

What has happened? Who is this man?


the first monk asked breathlessly.
I dont know his name, sighed the distraught bishop, but...Hes a dead ringer for his
brother.
Any More Dogs
A young man from the city went to visit his
farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle
showed him the usual things - chickens, cows,
crops, etc. After three days, however, it was
obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and
the uncle was running out of things to amuse
him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. Why dont
you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and
with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
How did you enjoy that? asked the uncle.
It was great! exclaimed the nephew. Got
any more dogs?
Fantastic
The manager of a ladies dress shop realized it was time to give one her sales clerks a
little talking-to. Judy, your figures are well
below any of our other salespeoples. In fact,
unless you can improve your record soon, Im
afraid youll have to let you go.
Im sorry, Maam, said a humbled Judy.
Can you give me any advice on how to do
better?
Well, there is an old trick I can tell you
about. It sounds silly, but its worked for me in
the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through
it until you come to a word that had particular
power for you. Memorize it, work it into your
sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and
youll be amazed at the results.
Sure enough, Judys sales figures went way
up, and at the end of the month, the manager
called her in again and congratulated her. Did
you try my little trick? she asked.
Judy nodded. It took me a whole weekend
to find the right word, but I did: fantastic.

Fantastic. What a good word, said the


manager encouragingly. Howve you been
using it?
Well, my first customer on Monday was a
woman who told me her little girl had just been
accepted at the most exclusive prep school in
the city. I said, Fantastic. She went on to tell
me how her daughter always got straight As
and was the most popular girl in her class, I said
Fantastic and she bought $300 worth of clothing.
My next customer said she needed a formal
dress for the spring ball at the country club,
which she was in charge of. I said Fantastic.
She went on to tell she had the best figure of
anyone on the committee and her husband
makes the most money. I said Fantastic and
she not only bought the designer gown, but
hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. Its
been like that all week: the customers keep
boasting, I keep saying Fantastic, and they
keep buying.
Excellent work, Tina, complimented her
boss. Just as a point of interest, what did you
used to say to customers before you discovered
your power word?
Tina shrugged. I used to say, Who gives
a damn?
Buy Me Out
A very successful businessman had a
meeting with his new son-in-law. I love my
daughter, and now I welcome you into the
family, said the man. To show you how much
we care for you, Im making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to
the factory every day and learn the operations.
The son-in-law interrupted. I hate factories. I cant stand the noise.
I see, replied the father-in-law. Well
then youll work in the office and take charge of
some of the operations.
I hate office work, said the son-on-law.
I cant stand being stuck behind a desk all
day.
Wait a minute, said the father-in-law. I
just make you half-owner of a moneymaking
organization, but you dont like factories and

wont work in a office. What am I going to do


with you?
Easy, said the young man. Buy me
out.
Two Whatever Farmers
Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of
watermelons, paying one dollar a piece for
them.
Then they drove to the market and sold all
their melons for the SAME price ($1) theyd
paid for them.
After counting their money at the end of
the day, they realize theyd ended up with no
more money than theyd started with.
See! said one. I told you we shoulda got
a bigger truck.
From this you make a living?
At her daughters urging, Mrs. Ginsberg,
age 75, went to see a gynecologist for the first
time in her life. She answered the nurses
questions and then was asked to step behind a
screen and remove her clothes so Dr. Kaplan
could examine her.
At some point during the examination,
Mrs. Ginsberg said, Excuse me, Doctor. Can I
ask you a question?
Certainly, the doctor replied.
Tell me, she said. Your mother knows
that from this you make a living?
Subject: Exercise
It is well documented that for every mile
you jog, you add one minute to your life. This
enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000
per month!
My grandmother started walking five miles
a day when she was 60. Shes now 97, and we
have no idea where she is.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I
could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about
400 bucks. Havent lost a pound. Apparently,
you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what Im doing.

I dont exercise at all. If God meant for us


to touch our toes, He would have put them
further up on our bodies.
I like long walks, especially when they are
taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately, my
stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is
that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-county skiing,
start with a small country.
I dont jog it makes the ice jump out of my
glass.
A Little Blackmail on the Side
After spending a night at a hotel with a
prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his
wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
Thanks, she said. But I only charge
$20.
Twenty bucks for the entire night? the
amazed politician replied. You cant make a
living on that.
Oh, dont worry, the whore replied. I do
a little blackmail on the side!
What is Easter?
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to
jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly
gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they
can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blond,
What is Easter?
The blond replies, Oh, thats easy! Its the
holiday in November when everyone gets
together, eats turkey, and are thankful...
Wrong! You must go to HELL replies St.
Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blond
the same question, What is Easter?
The second blond replies, Easter is the
holiday in December when we put up a nice
tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth
of Jesus.
St. Peter looks at the second blond, bangs
his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her
shes wrong and to go to HELL, and then peers
over his glasses at the third blond and asks,
What is Easter?

The third blond smiles confidently and


looks St. Peter in the eyes. I know what Easter
is. Oh? says St. Peter, incredulously.
Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover.
Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last
supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned
over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The
Romans took him to be crucified and he was
made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung
on a cross with nails through his hands. He was
buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by
a large boulder.
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. She
continues, Every year the boulder is moved
aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees
his shadow, there will be six more weeks of
winter.
His Final Wish !
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In
deaths final agony, as he started to slip away,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the
wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. Gripping the railing with
both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the
pull of Morpheus. With labored breath, he
leaned against the door-frame, gazing in the
kitchen.
Were it not for the immense pain caused by
his extreme exertions, he would have thought
himself already in heaven for there spread out
upon waxed paper on the kitchen table - were
hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he
left this world a happy man? Mustering one
great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he threw
himself toward the table, landing on his knees in
a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the
wondrous taste of the sweet biscuit was already
mentally in his mouth, seemingly bringing him
back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate

through his body.


The aged and withered hand trembled on
its way to one lone biscuit at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife......
Fuck off, she said, theyre for the
funeral.
Being In Charge
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
The brain said, I should be in charge,
because I run all the bodys systems, so without
me nothing would happen.
The blood said, I should be in charge,
because I circulate oxygen all over so without
me youd all waste away.
The stomach said, I should be in charge,
because I process food and give all of you
energy.
The legs said, I should be in charge,
because I carry the body wherever it needs to
go.
The eyes said, I should be in charge,
because I allow the body to see where it goes.
The rectum said, I should be in charge,
because Im responsible for waste removal.
All the other body parts laughed at the
rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut
down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible
headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got
wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was
topic.
They all finally decided that , indeed, the
rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story:
You dont have to be important to be in
charge.... just be an asshole \!
Thought for the day
A Mother was reading a Bible story to her
young daughter. She read, The man named Lot
was warned to take his wife and flee out of the
city, but his wife looked back and was turned to
a pillar of salt. Her daughter asked, What
happened to the flea?

Sweet Jesus Help Me


A group on nuns were traveling in a car
when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to
change it, but being rather unworldly did not
know how to do it.
Luckily, a truck came along and the male
driver offered to change it for them. They gladly
accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it
slipped from the jack. Son-of-a-bitch, he
yelled.
The eldest nun said to him, That is not
nice language. We understand that you are
upset, but you mustnt use such language.
Sorry, Sister, he said, and tried again.
Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his
fingers. Son-of-a-bitch, he yelled again.
Please, dont use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be
better if you didnt help us.
But I get so upset, and it just comes out.
Well, said the nun, say something else
when you get upset, something like Sweet
Jesus, help me.
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again.
Again it slipped.
He started to say So.., but he corrected
himself and said, Sweet Jesus help me. At
that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.
The nuns looked at the car and said, Sonof-a-bitch.
The Hesitant Driver
A hesitant driver from Victoria, waiting for
a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on
the freeway ramp. The traffic thinned, but the
driver still waited.
Finally a furious voice from the vehicle
behind him cried, The sign says Yield, not
give up!
The language of diplomacy.
A well known diplomat had just returned
from a weekend at a stately country home.
When he was asked by a friend whether or not
hed had a good time, he said, If the soup had
been as warm as the wine, the wine as old as the

chicken, the chicken as tender as the upstairs


maid, and the maid as willing as the Lady of the
house, it would have been perfect.
Damn, Its Good to Be a Man!
1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can be president or PM.
6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You dont give a rats ass if someone notices
your new haircut.
9. The world is your urinal.
10. You never have to drive to another gas
station because this ones just too icky.
11. Same work... more pay.
12. Wrinkles add character.
13. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
14. People never stare at your chest when
youre talking to them.
15. The occasional well-rendered belch is
practically expected.
16. New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle
your feet.
17. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you
with: So, notice anything different?
18. One mood, ALL the damn time.
19. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds
flat.
20. You know stuff about tanks.
21. A five-day vacation requires only one
suitcase.
22. You can open all your own jars.
23. Dry cleaners and hair stylists dont rob you
blind.
24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
25. You can kill your own food.
26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
27. If someone forgets to invite you to some
thing, he or she can still be your friend.
28. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
30. Everything on your face stays its original
color.

31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the


passengers seat.
32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
33. You dont have to clean your apartment if
the maid is coming.
34. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy
for hours without thinking: He must be
mad at me.
35. You dont mooch off others desserts.
36. You can drop by to see a friend without
having to bring a little gift.
37. You are not expected to know the names of
more than five colors.
38. You dont have to stop and think of which
way to turn a nut on a bolt.
39. You are unable to see wrinkles in your
clothes.
40. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades.
41. You dont have to shave below your neck.
42. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
43. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color,
all seasons.
44. You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
45. You have freedom of choice concerning
growing a mustache.
46. You can do Christmas shopping for 25
relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Reflections!
Isnt having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming
pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you
dont want to see naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately,
theres a decimal point involved.
Home is where you can say anything you
like cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but its ok,
they know me here.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is
when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
I dont have a big ego, Im way too cool for
that.
I love being married. Its so great to find
that one special person you want to annoy for

the rest of your life.


After all is said and done, usually more is
said than done.
I married my wife for her looks...but not
the ones shes been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record
for number of consecutive days Ive stayed
alive.
Give your son a hint. On his room door put
this sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.
How come we choose from just two people
for president and 50 for Miss America?
How long a minute is depends on what side
of the bathroom door youre on.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal
for the fiber, not the toy.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can
hear Moms wise words: Dont pick that up,
you dont know where its been.
Where is Jesus today?
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers
was concerned that his students might be a little
confused about Jesus Christ because of the
Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that
the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago,
that He grew up, etc.So he asked his class,
Where is Jesus today?
Steven raised his hand and said, Hes in
heaven.
Mary was called on and answered,
Hes in my heart.
Little Adam, waving his hand furiously,
blurted out, I know! I know! Hes in our bathroom!!!
The whole class got very quiet, looked at
the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a
few very long seconds. He finally gathered his
wits and asked Little Adam how he knew this.
And Little Adam said, Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom
door, and yells Jesus Christ, are you still in
there?

Humorous SIGNS!
Over a gynecologists office Dr. Jones,
at your cervix.
On a Plumbers truck We repair what
your husband fixed.
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania Dont sleep with a
drip. Call your plumber.
Pizza shop slogan 7 days without pizza
makes one weak.
Outside a muffler shop No appointment
necessary. We hear you coming.
In a veterinarians waiting room Be back
in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Door of a plastic surgeons office Hello.
Can we pick your nose?
On an electricians truck Let us remove
your shorts.
In a non-smoking area If we see smoke,
we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door Push. Push. Push.
At an optometrists office If you dont see
what youre looking for, youve come to the
right place.
In the front yard of a funeral home Drive
carefully. Well wait.

standing on the dresser!

Try standing on the dresser!


It was three oclock in the morning, annd
the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing
off, when a little old lady came running towards
her, screaming. Please come quickly! she yelled,
I just saw a naked man outside my window!
The receptionist immediately rushed up to
the old ladys room.
Where is he, she asked. Hes over there,
replied the old lady, pointing to an apartment
building opposite the hotel.

Victoria Senior Citizens


A group of senior citizens were talking at
the breakfast table in a Victoria
nursing home. My arms are so weak I can
hardly lift this cup of coffee,
said one.
Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I
cant even see my coffee, replied another.
I cant turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck, said a third, to which several
nodded weakly in agreement.
My blood pressure pills makes me dizzy,
...another went on.
I guess thats the price we pay for getting
old, winced an old man as he slowly shook his
head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
Well, its not that bad, said one woman
cheerfully.
Thank God we can all still drive.

The receptionist could see a man with no


shirt on, moving around his apartment.
Its probably a man who is getting ready to go
to bed, she said reassuringly. And how do you
know he is naked, you can only see him from
the waist up?
The dresser! screamed the old gal. Try

The Automatic Car Radio


A lady bought a new Lexus. Two days
later, she brought it back complaining that the
radio wasnt working.
Madam, said the sales manager, the
audio system in this car is completely automated. All you need to do is tell it what you
want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!
She drives out, somewhat amazed and a
little confused. She looks at the radio and says,
Nelson.
The radio responded, Ricky or Willie?
Soon she was speeding down the highway
to the sounds of On The Road Again. The
lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven,
thats what she got. If she wanted, Nat King
Cole, she got it.
Stopped at an intersection, her light turned
green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of
the corner of her eye, she saw a sports utility
vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and
narrowly avoided a collision.
ASSHOLE... she muttered.
And, from the radio: Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Canada.

Tiger Woods in Ireland


On his tour of Ireland, Tiger Woods drives
his Volvo into a petrol station in Cork. The
attendant at the pump greets him in a typical
Cork manner, completely unaware of who he
was talking to........ Top of the morning to you,
etc., etc....
Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the
pump, and two tees fall out of his shirt pocket
onto the ground.
What are dey son? says the attendant.
Theyre called tees.replies Tiger Woods
Whatre dey for? inquires the Cork man
Theyre for resting my balls on while Im
driving says Tiger.
Jaysus, says the Cork man, Dem fellas
at Volvo tink of everyting!
Famous Quotes?
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word
meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his
wallet.
-Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual
syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of
the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men
just need a place.
-Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and
the dog will give you a look that says, My God,
youre right! I never wouldve thought of that!
-Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say
they feel more comfortable undressing in front
of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno
I am not the boss of my house. I dont
know how I lost it. I dont know when I lost it. I
dont think I ever had it. but Ive seen the bosss
job and I dont want it.
-Bill Cosby
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the
ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem

in this country? Men not paying enough attention to womens breasts?


-Jay Leno
We have women in the military, but they
dont put us in the front lines. They dont know
if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All
the general has to do is walk over to the women
and say, You see the enemy over there? They
say you look fat in those uniforms.
-Elayne Boosler
Theres a new medical crisis. Doctors are
reporting that many men are having allergic
reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So whats the problem?
-Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals
again.
-Elayne Boosler
Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think theres a lot they
dont know. Women do. Women want to learn.
Men think, I know what Im doing, just show
me somebody naked.
-Jerry Seinfield
Instead of getting married again, Im going
to find a woman I dont like and give her a
house.
-Lewis Grizzard
If you cant beat them, arrange to have
them beaten.
-George Carlin
The problem with the designated driver
program, its not a desirable job. But if you ever
get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house.
-Jeff Foxworthy
See, the problem is that God gives men a
brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run
one at a time.
-Robin Williams
If GOD had Voice Mail
Most of us have now learned to live with
voice mail As a necessary part of our daily
lives. But have you ever wondered what it
would be like if God decided to install voice

mail? Imagine praying and hearing the


following:
Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, Press 1
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You Dont Need a BMW


There were a chicken and a horse playing
together in a barn yard, suddenly he horse falls
into a pit.
He yells to the chicken, Go get the farmer,
save me, save me! ! ! .
The chicken goes looking for the farmer
but cant find him. So she gets the armers
BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassoes
the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out.
The horse says, Thank you, Thank you, I
owe you my life.
Then a couple days later they are playing
there again and this time the chicken falls into
the mud pit and the chicken says, Help me!
Help me! Go get the farmer!.
So the horse says, No No No, I think I can
get you The horse stretches across the mud pit
and tells the chicken, Grab onto my penis
The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches
back, and the horse saves the chickens life.
So whats the moral of the story?
If you have a penis the size of a horse you
dont need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Brother Alfred
Brother Alfred entered the Monastery of
Silence and the Abbot said, Brother, this is a
silent monastery. You are welcome here as long
as you like, but you may not speak until I direct
you to do so.....
Brother Alfred lived in the monastery for
five years before the Abbot said to him,
Brother Alfred, you have been here for five
years. You can speak two words.
Brother Alfred said, Hard bed.
Im sorry to hear that,the Abbot said,
we will get you a better bed...
After another five years, Brother Alfred
was called again by the Abbot...
It is time, Brother Alfred - you may say
another two words.
Cold food, said Brother Alfred, and the
Abbot assured him that the food would be better
in the future....
On his fifteenth anniversary at the monastery,
the Abbot again called Brother Alfred into his

office. Again, Brother Alfred . . . two words


you may say today.
I quit, said Brother Alfred
Its probably for the best, said the Abbot,
Youve done nothing but bitch since youve
been here.

Always take a good look at what youre


about to eat. Its not so important to know what
it is, but its critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is
to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Tips From Cowboys


Never squat with your spurs on!
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
Theres two theories to arguin with a
woman .... Neither one works.
Dont worry about bitin off more than
you can chew.
Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger
than you think.
If you get to thinkin youre a person of
some influence, try orderin somebody elses
dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion
felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up
until a hunter came along and shot him. The
moral: When youre full of bull, keep your
mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing
to do is stop diggin.
Never smack a man whos chewin tobacco.
It dont take a genius to spot a goat in a
flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a
haircut.
Good judgement comes from experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If youre ridin ahead of the herd, take a
look back every now and then to make sure its
still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a
critter or a person, dont be surprised if they
learn their lesson.
When youre throwin your weight around,
be ready to have it thrown around by somebody
else.
Lettin the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin it back.

The Washington Posts Style Invitational


The Washington Posts Style Invitational
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are some recent winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax
refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a
hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very,
very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person who doesnt get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously
when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (this
one got extra credit).
Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody
is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like,
a serious bummer.
Glibidinous: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid
ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person whos both stupid
and an asshole.
When white man found this land
When white man found this land, Indians
were running it.
No Taxes
No Debt

Plenty Buffalo
Plenty Fish
Women did most of the work.
Medicine Man free!
Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
White man dumb enough to think he could
improve a system like that.
Flying
Keep the aeroplane in such an attitude that
the air pressure is directly in the pilots face.
* Horatio C. Barber, 1916
When a flight is proceeding incredibly
well, something was forgotten.
* Robert Livingston, Flying The Aeronca
The only time an aircraft has too much fuel
on board is when it is on fire.
* Sir Charles Kingsford Smith, sometime
before his death in the 1920s
Flexible is much too rigid, in aviation you
have to be fluid.
* Verne Jobst
If you cant afford to do something right,
then be darn sure you can afford to do it wrong.
* Charlie Nelson
Just remember, if you crash because of
weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny
day.
* Layton A. Bennett
I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single motored airplanes at
night.
* Charles A. Lindbergh, to Wiley Post,
1931
Never fly the A model of anything.
* Ed Thompson
Never fly anything that doesnt have the
paint worn off the rudder pedals.
* Harry Bill
Keep thy airspeed up, less the earth come
from below and smite thee.
* William Kershner
When a prang seems inevitable, endeavour
to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity, as slowly and gently as possible.
* Advice given to RAF pilots during
W.W.II.

Instrument flying is when your mind gets a


grip on the fact that there is vision beyond sight.
* U.S. Navy Approach magazine circa
W.W.II.
Always keep an out in your hip pocket.
* Bevo Howard
The Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you.
* attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test
pilot
A pilot who doesnt have any fear probably
isnt flying his plane to its maximum.
* Jon McBride, astronaut
If youre faced with a forced landing, fly
the thing as far into the crash as possible.
* Bob Hoover
It occurred to me that if I did not handle the
crash correctly, there would be no survivors.
* Richard Leakey, after engine failure in a
single engine aircraft. Nairobi, Africa, 1993.
If an airplane is still in one piece, dont
cheat on it. Ride the bastard down.
* Ernest K. Gann, advice from the old pelican
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death
I Shall Fear No Evil For I am 80,000 feet and
Climbing.
* sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating
location on Kadena AB Okinawa
Youve never been lost until youve been
lost at Mach 3.
* Paul F. Crickmore,
The emergencies you train for almost never
happen. Its the one you cant train for that kills
you.
* Ernest K. Gann, advice from the old pelican
If you want to grow old as a pilot, youve
got to know when to push it, and when to back
off.
* Chuck Yeager
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
* Richard Herman Jr, Firebreak
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm
in peacetime.
* Sign over squadron ops desk at DavisMonthan AFB, AZ, 1970.
An airplane might disappoint any pilot but itll

never surprise a good one.


* Len Morgan
To most people, the sky is the limit. To those
who love aviation, the sky is home. Life is
simple. Eat, sleep, fly.
The most unfair thing about life is the
way it ends.
The most unfair thing about life is the way
it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you
get at the end of it? A death.
Whats that, a bonus?!? I think the life
cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get
it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age
home.
You get kicked out when youre too young,
go collect all your pension, then, when you start
work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work forty years until youre young
enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, and you get
ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a
kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you
become a little baby, you go back into the
womb, you spend your last 9 months floating
with luxuries like central heating, spa, room
service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm!
Amen.
Definition of an Era
After much arguing and deliberation historians this week have come up with a phrase to
describe the Clinton Era.
It will be called Sex Between the Bushes.
Something To Think About,
(an update to the original)
A philosophy professor stood before his
class and had some items in front of him. When
the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it
with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was
full?
They agreed that it was. So the professor

then picked up a box of pebbles and poured


them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The
pebbles,of course, rolled into the open areas
between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar
was full.
They agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and
poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled
up everything else.
Now, said the professor, I want you to
recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the
important things - your family, your partner,
your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your
life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter
like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else. The small
stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first,
there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life. If you spend
all your time and energy on the small stuff, you
will never have room for the things that are
important to you. Pay attention to the things that
are critical to your happiness. Play with your
children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing. There will
always be time to go to work, clean the house,
give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
Take care of the rocks first - the things that
really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just
sand.
(Now the modification !)
But then.......
A student then took the jar which the other
students and the professor agreed was full, and
proceeded to pour in a glass of beer.
Of course the beer filled the remaining
spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
No matter how full your life is, there is
always room for BEER.
Chinese First Night
A Chinese couple gets married, and shes a
virgin. On the wedding night, she lies under the

covers naked as her husband undresses. He


climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
My darling, I know this is your first time
and you are frightened. I promise you, I give
you anyting you want. I do anything you want.
What you want?
I wanna number 69, she replies.
He looks at her very puzzled and says,
You wanna beef with broccoli?
Probably Scripted
Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still wont go up to
your apartment.
Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if
you meet a stranger at a party and you think hes
really attractive, is it okay to come out directly
and ask him if hes married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses
tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take
more than three words to say I love you?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a
pineapple and a twenty.
Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the
top of a mountain by the gods because he had
given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I dont know what you got,
but I got a sports shirt.
Peter Marshall: What are Do It, I Can
Help and Cant Get Enough?
George Gobel: I dont know but its coming from the next apartment.
Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you
tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing
older question, Peter...and Ill
give you a gesture youll never forget!
Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does
black look sexy on a woman?
Redd Foxx: I wouldnt have it any other
way...
Peter Marshall: What are dual purpose
cattle good for that other cattle arent?

Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...


but I dont recommend the cookies!
Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying
unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Goebel: Id probably crawl around
him I guess.
Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hells Angels
wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too
easily.
Peter Marshall: Charley, youve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. Im
too busy growing strawberries!
Peter Marshall: In bowling, whats a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the
Institute of Motivational Research, a wife
should be beware if another woman takes an
interest in a certain item of her husbands clothing. What item? Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind...
Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste
to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is
politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can
last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way
sometimes...
Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for
bags on airline flights in this country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat,
she can fly.
Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you
safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, Im
always safe in the bedroom.
Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire
girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers,
is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?

Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!


Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a
pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life
magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start
having babies soon, but her husband wants her
to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: Hes out of town.
Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a
longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Peter Marshall: When a couple have a
baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: Ill lend him the car. The
rest is up to him.
Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently
revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.
Peter Marshall: If youre going to make a
parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady
drinking should do it.
Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads
under water.
A Few Moments Of Zen.....
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the
hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if youre
going to steal your neighbors newspaper, thats
the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. Its not important unless you
arent getting any.
5. Dont be irreplaceable. If you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember youre unique. Just like


everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both
feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, youre a mile away and you have
their shoes.
13. If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not
for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that
person again, it was probable worth it.
16. If you tell the truth, you dont have to remember anything.
17. If you drink, dont park; accidents cause
people.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you
are the windshield.
19. Dont worry, it only seems kinky the first
time.
20. Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
21. The quickest way to double your money is
to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the
outcome of a rain dance.
23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
24. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side
and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
25. Generally speaking, you arent learning
much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you dont get until
just after you need it.
27. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get
slapped on our ass...then things get worse.

For anyone feeling old.....


Julie Andrews is reported to have done a
concert for AARP, at which she sang her hit
from the Sound of Music, but the words were
changed. Here are the new words to this tune:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and
glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things, And then
I dont feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they
bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of
sinnin,
thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin,
And we wont mention our short shrunken
frames,
When we remember our favorite things,
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the
great life Ive had,
And then I dont feel so bad.
Evanglical Healing
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a
healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to
be healed to go to their television set, place
one hand on the TV and the other hand on the
body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the
television set, placed her right hand on the set
and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that
was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV,


placed his right hand on the set and his left hand
on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said,
I guess you just dont get it.
The purpose of doing this is to heal the
sick, not to raise the dead.
The Realistic Doctor
Doctor Bob had slept with one of his
patients and had felt guilty all day long. No
matter how much he tried to forget about it, he
couldnt.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while hed hear
that soothing voice, within himself, trying to
reassure him:
Bob, dont worry about it. You arent the
first doctor to sleep with one of their patients
and you wont be the last. And youre single.
Let it go....
But invariably the other inner voice would
bring him back to reality:
Bob, youre a vet.
Benefits of Growing Older and Retiring
In a hostage situation you are likely to be
releasedfirst.
Its harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
No one expects you to run into a burning
building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, Did I wake
you?
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Theres nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now wont wear out.
You buy a compass for your car dash.
You can eat dinner at 4:00.
You cant remember the last time you laid
on the floor to watch television.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of
gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples


operations.
You get into a heated argument about
pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors dont
even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a
challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no
matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your eyes wont get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is
finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the
National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they cant remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down
to a manageable size.
And of course... People send you this list.
Old Jokes
CONFESSIONAL An old man walks into
a confessional. The following conversation
ensues: Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We
went to a motel, where I had sex with each of
them three times. Priest: Are you sorry for your
sins? Man: What sins? Priest: What kind of a
Catholic are you? Man: I'm Jewish. Priest: Why
are you telling me all this? Man: I'm telling
everybody.
BROTHEL TRIP An elderly man goes into
a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at
the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90
years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman.
"Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry,"
says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
CALLER QUESTION The famous sex
therapist was on the radio taking questions when
a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do

men always want to marry a virgin? To which


the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
SENILITY An old man went to his doctor
and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
OLD FRED Old Fred's hospital bed is
surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look
good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the
pastor for something to write on. The pastor
lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper,
and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a
note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to
look at the note right away, so he places it in his
jacket pocket.
At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing
his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he
was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me
a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't
looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a
word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help!
You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
BEAUTIFUL A man was just waking up
from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and
he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep
again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so
she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his
eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of
"beautiful," it was now "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing
off!"
Why Men Pee Standing Up!!!!
Seems God was just about done with
creating the universe but he had 2 things left
over in his bag so he decided to split them
between Adam & Eve. He told them that one of
the things would let the owner pee standing up.
Its a very handy thing God told them, "and I was
wondering if either of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and

begged"oh, give it to me! I'd love to be able to


do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man
should be able to do. Please, Please! Pleeease
give it to me" on and on he went like an excited
little boy. So Eve just smiled and told God that
if Adam wanted it so badly, he should have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed
him to pee standing up and he was so excited.
He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went
off to write his name in the sand, laughing with
delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment
and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other
thing and I guess you can have it.
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Brains" God said
A Stiff Neck Remedy
A man came walking up to the house when
he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch,
in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the
waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance
without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out
here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked
again.
The old man slowly looked at him and
said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt
on, and I got a stiff neck. This here is your
grandma's idea."
Church Humor - a lot of trueisms
1. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet
spirited until you try to get into their pews.
2. Many folks want to serve God, but only
as advisers.
3. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it
is to live one.
4. The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
5. When you get to your wit's end, you'll
Church Parking Lot Signs
1. FOR MEMBERS ONLY. Trespassers
will be baptized.
2 No GodNo Peace...Know GodKn

He Said - She Said


10) He said...I dont know why you wear a bra;
youve got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, dont you?
9) She said...What do you mean by coming
home half drunk?
He said....Its not my fault...I ran out of money.
8) He said...Since I first laid eyes on you, Ive
wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
7) He said...two inches more, and I would be
king.
She said...two inches less, and youd be queen.
6) On wall in ladies room: My husband follows me everywhere.
Written just below it: I do not.
5) He said...Shall we try a different position
tonight?
She said...Thats a good idea....you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
4) Priest...I dont think you will ever find
another man like your late husband.
She said...Whos gonna look?
3) He said...What have you been doing with all
the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said...Lets go out and have some fun
tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do,
leave the hallway light on.
And the number 1:
1) He said...Why dont you tell me when you
have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but youre never there.
Three Dogs
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room
of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a
schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks
why are you here?
The schnauzer responds, Im 17 years old.
I dont see or hear very well. Ive been having
accidents in the house. My owner says Im too
old and sick so he brought me here to be put to
sleep.
The schnauzer asks the poodle why are
you here?

The poodle responds, Ive not been myself


lately. Ive been especially high strung.
Ive been barking all the time, Ive been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbours kids. Nobody knows why this has been
happening. My owner says he cant risk me
biting somebody else so he brought me here to
be put to sleep.
The poodle and schnauzer ask the Great
Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds:
My owner is this beautiful runway model.
Yesterday she was walking around the house
naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up
something she dropped. She was bent over and
naked when nature took over and the next thing
I know Im on top of her doing the doggie thing.
I couldnt help myself.
The poodle asks: so your owner brought
you here to be put to sleep?
The Great Dane says: No, Im just here to get
my nails trimmed.
The Turkey Hunter
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for
a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what
good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, To what do you attribute your good health?
The old timer said, Im a turkey hunter
and thats why Im in such good shape. Im up
well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up
and down the mountains.
The doctor said, Well, Im sure that helps,
but theres got to be more to it. How old was
your dad when he died?
The old timer said, Who said my dads
dead?
The doctor said, You mean youre 80
years old and your dads still alive? How old is
he?
The old timer said, Hes 100 yrs old and,
in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning,
and thats why hes still alive...hes a turkey
hunter.
The doctor said, Well, thats great, but
Im sure theres more to it. How about your
dads dad? How old was he when he died?

The old timer said, Who said my grandpas dead?


The doctor said, You mean youre 80
years old and your grandfathers still living!
How old is he?
The old timer said, Hes 118 yrs old.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this
point and said, I guess he went turkey hunting
with you this morning too?
The old timer said, No... Grandpa
couldnt go this morning because he got married.
The Doctor said in amazement, Got
married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want
to get married?
The old timer said, Who said he wanted
to?
They Say That
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with
battery.
A mans home is his castle, in a manor of
speaking.
A pessimists blood type is always bnegative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but
to me its just kiln time.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed
me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing
but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it
folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just
couldnt hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress just to break the
monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot
before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of

floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains dont like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind
over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of
rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, its a pigment
of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you
well-red.
When two egotists meet, its an I for an I.
If electricity comes from electrons... does
that mean that morality comes from morons?
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign...............What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria.............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium...............What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section...A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...............Searching for the cat.
Cauterize............Made eye contact with her.
Colic..................A sheep dog.
Coma.................A punctuation mark.
D&C..................Where Washington is.
Dilate.................To live longer than your kids.
Enema................Not a friend.
Fester.................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.................A small lie.
G.I.Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates...............Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff.......A Doctors cane, sometimes
shown with a snake.
Node....................I knew it.
Outpatient............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...........A fatherhood test.

Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.


Post Operative.....A letter carrier.
Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.
Secretion..............Hiding something
Tablet...................A small table to change
babies on.
Seizure..................Roman emperor who lived in
the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train
station.
Tumor...............More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of mine.
Varicose............Near by
Hospital............The biggest building in town,
other than Joes feed warehouse or Franks
lumber mill.
You Finish?
A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing
at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to
attract a spectacular Scandinavian-looking
young blonde. Things progressed to the point
where he invited her back to his apartment, and
after some small talk, they made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a
smile, So... you finish?
She paused for a second, frowned, and
replied, No.
Surprised, the young man reached out for
her and the love making resumed. This time she
thrashes about wildly and there were screams of
passion. The love making ends, and again, the
young man smiles, and asks, OK, now you
finish?
And once again, after a short pause, she
returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and
softly purrs, No.
Stunned, but damned if this woman is
going to outlast him, the young man reaches for
the woman. Using the last of his strength, he
barely manages it, but they climax simultaneouslyscreaming, bucking, clawing and ripping
bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his
back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he
looks into her eyes, smiling proudly, and
says, Now you finish?
No! she shouts back, I Swedish!

Words and meaning


Tried to decide which intelligent people
would appreciate this and you are the lucky
ones:
The Washington Post published a contest
for readers in which they were asked to supply
alternate meanings for various words.
The following were some of the winning
entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much
weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever
having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while
drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which
you absentmindedly answer the door in your
nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that
picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor
assumed by a proctologist immediately before
he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of
boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when
you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets
stuck there.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Church Parking Lot Signs
1. FOR MEMBERS ONLY. Trespassers will
be baptized.
2 No GodNo Peace...Know GodKnow
Peace.
3. Free Trip to Heaven...details Inside!
4. Try our Sundays. They are better than
Baskin-Robbins.
5. Searching for a new look? Have your faith

lifted here!
6. An ad for one church has a picture of two
hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten
Commandments are inscribed and a headline
that reads For fast, fast relief,take two tablets.
7. When the restaurant next to a church put out a
big sign with red letters that said Open Sundays, the church reciprocated with its own
message: We are open on Sundays, too.
8. A singing group called The Resurrection
was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big
snowstorm postponed the performance, the
pastor fixed the outside sign to read: Resurrection is postponed.
9. People are like tea bags, you have to put
them in hot water before you know how
strong they are.
10. God so loved the world that He did not
send a committee.
11. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush.
12. When down in the mouth, remember Jonah.
He came out all right.
13. Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
14. Fight truth decay, study the Bible daily.
15. How will you spend eternity - Smoking or
Nonsmoking?
16. Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.
17. Come work for the Lord. The work is hard,
the hours are long, and the pay is low.
But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
18. It is unlikely therell be a reduction in the
wages of sin.
19. Do not wait for the hearse to take you to
church.
20. If youre headed in the wrong direction,
God allows U-turns.
21. If you dont like the way you were born, try
being born again.
22. Looking at the way some people live, they
ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
23. This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing? (U R)
24. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
25. In the dark? Follow the Son.
26. Running low on faith? Stop in for a Fill-up.
27. If you cant sleep, dont count sheep. Talk
to the Shepherd

So Goes the Lesson


An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked
staff walks up to a stone pulpit and says...
And lo, it came to pass that the trader by
the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot
Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder
and long of leg.Indeed, she had been called
Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband,
Why doth thou travel far, from town to town
with thy goods, when thou can trade without
ever leaving thy tent?
And Abraham did look at her as though she
were several saddlebags short of a camel load,
but simply said, How, Dear?
And Dot replied, I will place drums in all
the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they
will reply telling you which hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and
delivered by Uriahs Pony Stable (UPS).
Abraham thought long and decided he
would let Dot have her way with the drums, as
long as he could have his way with her.
And Dot said, There will be a lot of banging in
the land.
And Abraham replied,
It is my most fervent wish that this be so.
The drums rang out and were an immediate
success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at
the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia even secreted
himself inside Abrahams drum and was
accused of insider trading.
And the young people did take to Dot
Coms trading as doth the greedy horsefly to
camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for
short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at
the new riches and the deafening sound of
drums that no one noticed that the real riches
were going to the drum maker, one Brother
William of Gates, who bought up every drum
company in the land. And, indeed, he did insist

on making drums that would only work if you


bought Brother Gates drumsticks.
Dot did say, Oh, Abraham, what we have
started is being taken over by others.
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay
of Ezekiel (or, as it came to be known, eBay),
he said,
We need a name for a service that reflects
what we are.
Dot replied,
Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner-Operators.
Whoopee! said Abraham.
No, YAHOO! said Dot Com.
AND SO ENDS THE LESSON !
A New Start
This guy wakes up late Saturday morning
with a massive hangover. All he remembers
about the night before was that he and his wife
were at a party at his boss place.
Honey, what the hell happened last night?
I cant remember a thing.
As usual, you made an asshole out of
yourself in front of your boss.
Ahhhhh, PISS on him.
You did. And he fired you.
Oh, yeah? Well, FUCK him then.
I did. You start again Monday.
Have a great day!
Foreign Hotel Signs
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
are not person to do such thing is please not to
read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be
unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing

floor. If the cabin should enter more persons,


each one should press a number of wishing
floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front
desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the
office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M.
daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from
a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery
where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the
hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firms own make; limpid red beat
soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a
finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers
beaten up in the country peoples fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend
courteous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big
rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from a Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exibition of Arts
by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two
years.

In an East African newspaper:


A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the
bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm
the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germanys Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest
camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one
tent unless they are married with each other for
that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining
guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is
suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong
dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess
book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge
since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend
the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours
we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own
skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in
Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful
life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a
foreigner, if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all
directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you
are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children
in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you
have any suitable food, give it to the guard on
duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the
water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but
youll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about
using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just
condition of warm in your room, please control
yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in
Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight,
tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still obstacles your passage then
tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. - Here speeching
American.
Ode to SPAM(tm)
Oh SPAM(tm)! Oh SPAM(tm)! Gourmet
delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.
What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?

Creating then mans eternal desire


for swine entrails congealed by fire.
On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM(tm) hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.
More than mere food, SPAM(tm) is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.
Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM(tm) when theres no one
around furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.
Other processed meat products Ive tried or
declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pigs feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM(tm) for gelatinous glaze.
That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh SPAM(tm), my SPAM(tm) - the taste, the
smell!
The sacred meat product, from Hormel.
Strings Attached
A man has spent many days crossing the
desert without water. His camel dies of thirst.
Hes crawling through the sands, certain that he
has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he
sees an object sticking out of the sand several
yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object,
pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks
to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie....But this
is no ordinary genie.
He is wearing a Revenue Canada badge
and dull grey suit. Theres a calculator in his
pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
Well, kid, says the genie. You know
how it works. You have three wishes.
Im not falling for this. says the man.

Im not going to trust a Revenue Canada


employee.
What do you have to lose? Youve got
no transportation, and It looks like youre a
goner anyway!
The man thinks about this for a minute, and
decides that the genie is right.
OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful
food and drink.
POOF
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded with jugs
of wine and platters of delicacies.
OK, kid, whats your second wish. My
second wish is that I were rich beyond my
wildest dreams.
POOF
The man finds himself surrounded by
treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and
precious gems.
OK, kid, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!
After thinking for a few minutes, the man
says: I wish that no matter where I go beautiful
women will want and need me.
POOF
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If Revenue Canada offers you anything, theres
going to be a string attached!
The Ranch Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined
to keep the ranch but knew very little about
ranching - she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job: one was gay

and the other a drunk. She thought long and


hard about it, and when no one else applied, she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the
drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in
long hours every day and knew a lot about
ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked,
and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the ranchers widow said to the
hired hand, Youve done a really good job and
the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels. The hired hand
readily agreed and off he went the next Saturday
night.
One oclock came and he didnt return.
Two oclock and still no hired hand. He finally
rolled in at close to 3 a.m. and found the ranchers widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly
called him over to her.
Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she
said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
Now take off my boots. He did so,
slowly.
Now take off my socks. - he did.
Now take off my skirt. - he did.
Now take off my bra. Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
Now, she said, take off my panties. He
slowly pulled them down and off.
She looked at him and said, Dont you
ever wear my clothes to town again!
My Wife and I
My wife and I have the secret to making
our marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a
nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good
food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in
Florida and mine is in Cincinnati. I take my wife
everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for
our anniversary. Somewhere I havent been in
a long time! she said. So I suggested the
kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she


shops.
She has an electric blender, electric
toaster, and electric breadmaker. Then she said,
There are too many gadgets, and no place to
sit down! So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasnt running
well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, In the
lake.
She got a mudpack and looked great for
two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
Am I too late for the garbage? The driver said,
No, jump in!
Remember....Marriage is the number one
cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all
divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didnt know
her first name was Always.
I havent spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I dont like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife
asked, Whats on the TV? I said, Dust!
Why do men die before their wives?
Cause they want to.
Motivation
We have all been to those meetings where
someone wants more than 100%.
Well heres how you do that. Heres how
you can achieve 103%.
First of all, heres a little math that might
prove helpful in the future.
How does one achieve 100% in LIFE?
Begin by noting the following.
IF:
A=1
B=2
C=3
D=4
E=5
F=6
G=7
H=8
I=9
J = 10

K = 11
L = 12
M = 13
N = 14
O = 15
P = 16
Q =17
R = 18
S =19
T = 20
U = 21
V = 22
W = 23
X = 24
Y = 25
Z = 26
Then:
HARDWORK=
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%
Similarly,
KNOWLEDGE=
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%
But interesting (and as youd expect),
ATTITUDE=
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% ... This is how
you achieve 100% in LIFE.
But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or
REALIZE), is
BULLSHIT=
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So now you know what all those highpriced consultants, upper management, and
motivational speakers really mean when they
want to exceed 100%!
Have you ever wondered where and how
yodeling began?
Back in the olden days, a man was
traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was
rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere
to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked
the farmer if he could spend the night. The

farmer told him that it would be all right, and


that he could sleep in the barn. The man went
into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went
back into the house.
Well, as the story goes, the farmers daughter came down from upstairs and asked her
father, Who was that man going into the barn?
Thats some fellow traveling through,
said the farmer. He needed a place to stay for
the night, so I said that he could sleep in the
barn.
The daughter then asked, Did you offer
the man anything to eat?
Gee, no, I didnt, the farmer answered.
The daughter said, Well, Im going to
take him some food. She went into the
kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took
it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn
for an hour before returning to the house.
When she came back in, her clothes were
all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she
had several strands of straw tangled up in her
long blond hair. She immediately went up the
stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.
A little later, the farmers wife came down
and asked her husband why their daughter went
to bed so early. I dont know, said the farmer.
I told a man that he could sleep in the barn,
and our daughter took him some food.
Oh, replied the wife. Well, did you
offer the man anything to drink?
Umm, no, I didnt, said the farmer.
The wife then said, Im going to take
something out there for him to drink. The wife
went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then
went out to the barn. She did not return for over
an hour, and when she come back into the
house, her clothes were also messed up, and she
had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went
straight up the stairs and into bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in
the barn got up and continued on his journey,
waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few
hours later, the daughter woke up and came
rushing downstairs. She went right out to the
barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the

house. Wheres the man from the barn? she


eagerly asked her father.
Her father answered, He left several
minutes ago.
What? she cried. He left without saying
good-bye? After all we had together? I mean,
last night he made such passionate love to me.
What? shouted the father.
The farmer ran out into the front yard
looking for the man, but by now the man was
halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer
screamed up at him, Im gonna get you! You
had sex with my daughter!
The man looked back down from the
mountainside, cupped his hands next to his
mouth, and yelled out,
ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!
And Thats how yodeling began...
911 Call
A couple of Alberta hunters are out in the
woods when one of them falls to the ground. He
doesnt seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled
back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and
calls 911. He gasps to the operator, My friend
is dead! What can I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice
says, Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets
make sure hes dead.
There is a silence, then a shot is heard .....
The hunter says, OK, now what?
Poor Lady
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman
who was particularly despondent over the recent
death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she
would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with
quickly, she took out Earls old Army pistol and
made the decision to shoot herself in the heart,
since it so badly broken in the first place. Not
wanting to miss the vital organ and become a
vegetable and burden someone, she called her
doctors office and asked exactly where the

heart would be on a woman.


The doctor said, Your heart would be
just below your left breast.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to
the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Preacher
The preacher was preaching with all his
might. The subject was SIN, and he was most
certainly against it.
A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not
nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came
in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to
the front, and sat down. It was plain to the
preacher that he had lost the men in his audience
to this voluptuous sex-object.
He shook a fist at her and said, You are
theJezebel the good book tells us about. You
have got the mind of every man in this building
on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I
am a man of God! You dont affect me, and
right now up in Heaven, Saint Finger is shaking
his Peter at you!!
Beethoven...
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he around, so he starts
searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is
coming from a grave with a headstone that
reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then
he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades
a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave,
the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is
being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music
scholar. When they return with the expert, the
Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are
being played in the reverse order in which
they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then
the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a

throng has gathered around the grave. They are


all listening to the Second Symphony being
played backward.
Just then the graveyards caretaker ambles
up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him
if he has an explanation for the music.
Oh, its nothing to worry about says the
caretaker. Hes just decomposing!
Olympic Condoms
A man is out shopping and discovers a new
brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed,
he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
Olympic condoms? she blurts, what
makes them so special?
There are three colours, he replies, Gold ,
Silver, and Bronze.
What colour are you going to wear tonight?
she asks. Why Gold of course! says the man
proudly.
The wife responds ruefully, why dont you
wear Silver? It would be nice if you finished
second for a change!
Divorce After 45 Years
An elderly man in Toronto calls his son in
Edmonton and says, I hate to ruin your day
son, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is just
too much.
Pop, what are you talking about? the son
screams.
We cant stand the sight of each other any
longer, the old man says! Were sick of each
other, and Im sick of talking about this too, so
you just call your sister in Vancouver and tell
her, and he then hangs up!
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.Like hell theyre getting
divorced, she shouts, Ill take care of this,
She calls Toronto immediately, and screams at
the old man, You are NOT getting divorced.
Dont do a single thing until I get there. Im
calling my brother back, and well both be there
tomorrow. Until then, dont do a thing, DO
YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and


then turns to his wife.Okay, he says, theyre
coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell
them for Christmas?
The Blonde Painter
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and
started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and
asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
Well, you can paint my porch. How much
will you charge?
The blonde said How about 50 dollars?
The man agreed and told her that the paint
and other materials that she might need were in
the garage. The mans wife, inside the house,
heard the conversation and said to her husband,
Does she realize that the porch goes all
the way around the house?
The man replied, She should, she was
standing on it.
A short time later, the blonde came to the
door to collect her money.
Youre finished already? he asked.
Yes, the blonde answered, and I had
paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket
for the $50.
And by the way, the blonde added, its
not a Porch, its a Ferrari.
Special of the Week
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional
unattended, he called his rabbi friend from
across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldnt know what
to say, but the priest told him to come on over
and hed stay with him for a little bit and show
him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the
priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and
says, Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks, What did you do?
The woman says, I committed adultery.
Priest: How many times?

Woman: Three times.


Priest: Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the
box, and go and sin no more.
A few minutes later, a man enters the
confessional. He says, Father, forgive me for I
have sinned.
Priest: What did you do?
Man: I committed adultery.
Priest: How many times?
Man: Three times.
Priest: Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the
box, and go and sin no more.
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks hes
got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters
and says, Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
Rabbi: What did you do?
Woman: I committed adultery.
Rabbi: How many times?
Woman: Once.
Rabbi: Go do it two more times. We have
a special this week, three for $5.
Idiot Happenings
UTILITY PRS This week, all our office
phones went dead and I had to contact the
telephone repair people. They promised to be
out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I
asked if they could give me a smaller time
window, the pleasant gentleman asked, Would
you like us to call you before we come? I
replied that I didnt see how he would be able to
do that, since our phones werent working. He
also requested that we report future outages by
email (Does YOUR email work without a
telephone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the
receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the
back of the credit card. She informed me that
she could not complete the transaction unless
the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the
signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I
signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had

just signed on the receipt.


IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I
live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer
were being hit by cars and he didnt want them
to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for
minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I
was at the airport, checking in at the gate when
an airport employee asked, Has anyone put
any- thing in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, If it was without my
knowledge, how would I know? He smiled
knowingly and nodded, Thats why we ask.
IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the
corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I
knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, What on earth are
blind people doing driving?
IDIOT SIGHTING #3: At a good-bye
luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who
was leaving the company due to downsizing,
our manager commented cheerfully, This is
fun. We should do this more often. Not a word
was spoken. We all just looked at each other
with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4: When my husband
and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick
up our car, we were told the keys had been
locked in it. We went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to
unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from
the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
Hey, I announced to the technician, Its
openl To which he replied, I know - I already
got that side.

In The Beginning
In the beginning God created the heavens
and the Earth. And the Earth was without form,
and void, and darkness was upon the face of the
deep.
And Satan said, It doesnt get any better
than this.
And God said, Let there be light, and
there was light. And God said, Let the earth
bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the
fruit tree yielding fruit, and God saw that it was
good.
And Satan said, There goes the
neighborhood.
And God said, Let us make Man in our
image, after our likeness, and let them have
dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the
fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all
the Earth, and over every creeping thing
that creepeth upon the Earth. And so God
created Man in his own image; male and female
created he them. And God looked upon Man
and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, I know how I can get
back in this game.
And God populated the earth with broccoli
and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman
would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonalds. And
McDonalds brought forth the 99-cent double
cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, You
want fries with that?
And Man said, Supersize them. And Man
gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that
woman might keep her figure that man found
so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And
Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad.
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerrys.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, I have sent thee hearthealthy vegetables and olive oil with which to
cook them.
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried

steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man


gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went
through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and
Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with
remote control so Man would not have to toil to
change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, Youre running up the
score, Devil. And God brought forth the potato,
a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and
sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat
fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate
the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And
Satan saw and said, It is good. And Man went
into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple
bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
English: Hes cleaning his automobile
Chinese: Wa Shing Ka
English: This is a tow away zone
Chinese: No Pah King
English: Is there a fugitive here?
Chinese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?
English: Small Horse
Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni
English: Your price is too high!!!
Chinese: No Bai Nut Ding!!!
English: Did you go to the beach?
Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan?
English: I bumped into a coffee table
Chinese: Ai Bang Mai Ni
English: Its very dark in here
Chinese: Wai So Dim?
English: Has your flight been delayed?
Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting?
English: I thought you were on a diet?
Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?
English: They have arrived
Chinese: Hai Dei Kum
English: Your body odor is offensive

Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu
English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
English: I got this for free
Chinese: Ai No Pei
English: Stay out of sight
Chinese: Lei Lo
Can You Relate?
This is soooo true Its SCARY! Im glad to
know its not only me! DO you have
A.A.A.D.D? They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.
Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed
with A.A.A.D.D.! Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder...
This is how it goes: I decide to wash the
car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail
on the table. Ok, Im going to wash the car. But
first Im going to go through the mail. I lay the
car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail
and I notice the trash can is full. Ok, Ill just put
the bills on my desk and take the trash can out,
but since Im going to be near the mailbox
anyway, Ill pay these few bills first. Now,
where is my chequebook? Oops, theres only
one check left. My extra cheques are in my
desk. Oh, theres the coke I was drinking. Im
going to look for those cheques. But first I need
to put my coke further away from the computer,
oh maybe Ill pop it into the fridge to keep it
cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and
my flowers catch my eye, they need some water.
I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There
are my glasses. I was looking for them all
morning! Id better put them away first.
I fill a container with water and head for
the flower pots. Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV
remote in the kitchen. Well never think to look
in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch
television so Id better put it back in the family
room where it belongs. I splash some water into
the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote
onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back
down the hall trying to figure out what it was I
was going to do?
End of Day: The car isnt washed, the bills

are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen


counter, the flowers are half watered, the
chequebook still only has one cheque in it and I
cant seem to find my car keys! When I try to
figure out how come nothing got done today,
Im baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY
ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious
condition and Illget help, BUT FIRST I think
Ill check my e-mail...
Carnation Milk (This one is older than
dirt.)
This lady had been married to a farmer all
her life. They had cows and horses on their farm
and also grew a number of crops for sale at the
local farmers market. While shopping at the
local grocery store for a few items that she and
her husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she came across a contest form while she
was in the store.
It was from the Carnation Milk Company
and the object was to complete a jingle in fifty
words or less. The Company furnished the first
line of the jingle with these words, I like Carnation best of all....... and it was about those
little cans of milk found on grocery store
shelves.
So she completed their jingle and sent it off
to the Carnation Milk Company. A couple of
months later, the woman was surprised when a
Carnation Milk person came to her door and
told her that her entry was the best one
submitted. However, it was unfortunate the
company could not publish it. In lieu of that
latter fact, they had decided that her entry was
worth at least a consolation award and provided
her with a company check in the amount of
$1,000 for her creativity.
Here is her entry:
I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch
Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.

Euphemisms
Euphemisms are mild words used to camouflage disagreeable truths. The business world
has developed a ravenous appetite for euphemisms. For example:
Accept this special invitation. (Pay money.)
Build relationships. (Get money from.)
Convenience fee. (Interest charge)
Stock-market correction. (Crash)
Invest. (Gamble.)
Misdeeds. (Crimes)
Multilevel business partners. (Suckers)
Church Signs
3. Free Trip to Heaven...details Inside!
4. Try our Sundays. They are better than
Baskin-Robbins.
5. Searching for a new look? Have your
faith lifted here!
6. People are funny. They want the front of
the bus, the middle the road, and the back of the
church.
7. Opportunity may knock once, but
temptation bangs on your door for years.
8. Quit griping about your church; if it was
perfect, you couldn't belong.
9. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake
up an audience: "And in conclusion."
10. If the church wants a better pastor, it
only needs to pray for the one it has.
11. Not only are the sins of the fathers
visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins
of the children are visited upon the fathers.
12. God Himself does not propose to judge
a man 'til he is dead. So why should you?
13. To make a long story short, don't tell it.
The 23 Psalm
Timmy was a little five year old boy that
his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier,
she was concerned about him walking to school
when he started Kindergarten. She walked him
to school the couple of days but when he came
home one day, he told his mother that he did not
want her walking him to school everyday. He
wanted to be like the "big boys."
He protested loudly, so she had an idea of

how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs.


Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow
her son to school, at a distance behind him that
he would not likely notice, but close enough to
keep a watch on him.Mrs. Goodnest said that
since she was up early with her toddler anyway,
it would be a good way for them to get some
exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and
her little girl, Marcy, set outfollowing behind
Timmy as he walked to school with another
neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the
whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking
stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy
noticed that this same lady was following them
as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally,
he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady
following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know
who she is."
The little friend said, "Well who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy
said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she
and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my
Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my
prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And
in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest
and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my
life." So I guess I'll just have to get used to it.
One day, a man rubbed a lamp.
A genie popped out of the lamp and said,
You have three wishes. I will grant whatever
you wish for, but remember, your boss gets
twice as much as you wish for, so be careful
what you wish for.
The man said, Thats easy! I want a
million dollars.
A big pile of cash appeared in front of him.
Now, your boss has two million.
The man said, Never mind! I am happy as
long as I have my million. Now, I want a
Mercedes.

A red Mercedes appeared in front of him


and the genie said, Now, your boss has two of
these.
The man was happier than ever. He thought
about his last wish, and said, You know, I have
always wanted to donate a kidney!
The Sniffer Dog
A passenger is sitting in a plane which is
about to take off when another man and a dog
board the plane and sit in the two seats beside
him. The passenger is looking quizzically at the
dog when the second man explains that they
work for the airline. The dog handler says to the
passenger 'Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog,
the best there is, I'll show you once we get
airborne and I set him to work. The plane takes
off and levels out when the handler says to the
passenger 'Watch this'. He tells the dog 'Rover,
search '. The dog jumps down, walks along the
aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw
on the handler's arm. He says Good boy, and
turns to the passenger and says, 'That woman is
in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note
of this, and the seat number, for the police who
will apprehend her on arrival.
'Fantastic!' replies the passenger. Once
again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The
dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a
few seconds, returns to its seat and places both
paws on the handler's arm. He says 'Good boy,
and turns to the passenger and says, 'That man is
carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of
this, and the seat number.
That's marvelous, I never seen anything
like it!' says the passenger. Once again the
handler sends the dog to search the aisles. He
goes up and down the plane and after a while
sits down next to someone, and then comes
racing back and jumps up onto the seat and shits
all over the place. The passenger is surprised
and disgusted by this, and asks 'What the heck is
going on?'
The handler replies 'He's just found a
bomb".

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