Professional Documents
Culture Documents
1920 - 2001
Women
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when
they are nervous
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.
They dont take no for an answer when they
believe there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can
have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer
when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or
a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is
no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a
broken heart.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and
shapes.
Theyll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to
show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world
spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and
friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.
A Wonderful Night
After a long night of making love the
young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette
from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she
had one at hand.
There might be some matches in the top
drawer.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table
and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top
of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
Is this your husband? he inquired nervously. No, silly, she replied, snuggling up to
him.
Your boyfriend then? he asked. No, not
at all, she said, nibbling away at his ear.
Well, who is he then? demanded the
bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, Thats me before
the operation.
Subject: Confession
An elderly Italian man asked the local
priest to hear his confession.
Father, during World War II a beautiful
woman knocked on my door and asked me to
hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my
attic.
The priest replied: That was a wonderful
thing you did, my son, and you have no need to
confess.
Its worse, Father. I was weak and told her
she must repay me with her sexual favors.
You were both in great danger and would
have suffered terribly if the Germans had found
her. Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will
balance the good and evil, and judge you kindly.
You are forgiven.
Thank you, Father. Thats a great load off
my mind. But I have one more question.
And what is that?
Should I tell her the war is over?
Origin of You Gotta Be Shittin Me
You know how people are always wondering how certain phrases came into being, like
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. Richard Herman Jr., Firebreak
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. Sign over squadron ops
desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970. (It was
still there in 1972.)
The three best things in life are a good
landing, a good orgasm, and good bowel movement; The night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities in life to experience all three at the
same time. Unknown
A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check
out on the glass cockpit of an A-320: Now I
know what a dog feels like watching TV.
It only takes two things to fly: airspeed
and money.
What is the similarity between air traffic
controllers and pilots?; If a pilot screws up, the
pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
Its better to break ground and head into
the wind than to break wind and head into the
ground.
A copilot is a knothead until he spots
opposite direction traffic at 12 oclock, after
which hes a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.
Without ammunition the USAF would be
just another expensive flying club.
If something hasnt broken on your helicopter, its about to.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter
scale.
Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized
by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea,
trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there.
The Bell Ringers
After Quasimodos death, the bishop of the
Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the
streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was
needed. The bishop decided that he would
conduct the interviews personally and went up
Humorous SIGNS!
Over a gynecologists office Dr. Jones,
at your cervix.
On a Plumbers truck We repair what
your husband fixed.
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania Dont sleep with a
drip. Call your plumber.
Pizza shop slogan 7 days without pizza
makes one weak.
Outside a muffler shop No appointment
necessary. We hear you coming.
In a veterinarians waiting room Be back
in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Door of a plastic surgeons office Hello.
Can we pick your nose?
On an electricians truck Let us remove
your shorts.
In a non-smoking area If we see smoke,
we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door Push. Push. Push.
At an optometrists office If you dont see
what youre looking for, youve come to the
right place.
In the front yard of a funeral home Drive
carefully. Well wait.
Plenty Buffalo
Plenty Fish
Women did most of the work.
Medicine Man free!
Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
White man dumb enough to think he could
improve a system like that.
Flying
Keep the aeroplane in such an attitude that
the air pressure is directly in the pilots face.
* Horatio C. Barber, 1916
When a flight is proceeding incredibly
well, something was forgotten.
* Robert Livingston, Flying The Aeronca
The only time an aircraft has too much fuel
on board is when it is on fire.
* Sir Charles Kingsford Smith, sometime
before his death in the 1920s
Flexible is much too rigid, in aviation you
have to be fluid.
* Verne Jobst
If you cant afford to do something right,
then be darn sure you can afford to do it wrong.
* Charlie Nelson
Just remember, if you crash because of
weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny
day.
* Layton A. Bennett
I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single motored airplanes at
night.
* Charles A. Lindbergh, to Wiley Post,
1931
Never fly the A model of anything.
* Ed Thompson
Never fly anything that doesnt have the
paint worn off the rudder pedals.
* Harry Bill
Keep thy airspeed up, less the earth come
from below and smite thee.
* William Kershner
When a prang seems inevitable, endeavour
to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity, as slowly and gently as possible.
* Advice given to RAF pilots during
W.W.II.
floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains dont like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind
over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of
rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, its a pigment
of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you
well-red.
When two egotists meet, its an I for an I.
If electricity comes from electrons... does
that mean that morality comes from morons?
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign...............What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria.............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium...............What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section...A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...............Searching for the cat.
Cauterize............Made eye contact with her.
Colic..................A sheep dog.
Coma.................A punctuation mark.
D&C..................Where Washington is.
Dilate.................To live longer than your kids.
Enema................Not a friend.
Fester.................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.................A small lie.
G.I.Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates...............Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff.......A Doctors cane, sometimes
shown with a snake.
Node....................I knew it.
Outpatient............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...........A fatherhood test.
lifted here!
6. An ad for one church has a picture of two
hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten
Commandments are inscribed and a headline
that reads For fast, fast relief,take two tablets.
7. When the restaurant next to a church put out a
big sign with red letters that said Open Sundays, the church reciprocated with its own
message: We are open on Sundays, too.
8. A singing group called The Resurrection
was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big
snowstorm postponed the performance, the
pastor fixed the outside sign to read: Resurrection is postponed.
9. People are like tea bags, you have to put
them in hot water before you know how
strong they are.
10. God so loved the world that He did not
send a committee.
11. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush.
12. When down in the mouth, remember Jonah.
He came out all right.
13. Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
14. Fight truth decay, study the Bible daily.
15. How will you spend eternity - Smoking or
Nonsmoking?
16. Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.
17. Come work for the Lord. The work is hard,
the hours are long, and the pay is low.
But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
18. It is unlikely therell be a reduction in the
wages of sin.
19. Do not wait for the hearse to take you to
church.
20. If youre headed in the wrong direction,
God allows U-turns.
21. If you dont like the way you were born, try
being born again.
22. Looking at the way some people live, they
ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
23. This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing? (U R)
24. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
25. In the dark? Follow the Son.
26. Running low on faith? Stop in for a Fill-up.
27. If you cant sleep, dont count sheep. Talk
to the Shepherd
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all
directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you
are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children
in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you
have any suitable food, give it to the guard on
duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the
water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but
youll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about
using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just
condition of warm in your room, please control
yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in
Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight,
tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still obstacles your passage then
tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. - Here speeching
American.
Ode to SPAM(tm)
Oh SPAM(tm)! Oh SPAM(tm)! Gourmet
delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.
What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
K = 11
L = 12
M = 13
N = 14
O = 15
P = 16
Q =17
R = 18
S =19
T = 20
U = 21
V = 22
W = 23
X = 24
Y = 25
Z = 26
Then:
HARDWORK=
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%
Similarly,
KNOWLEDGE=
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%
But interesting (and as youd expect),
ATTITUDE=
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% ... This is how
you achieve 100% in LIFE.
But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or
REALIZE), is
BULLSHIT=
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So now you know what all those highpriced consultants, upper management, and
motivational speakers really mean when they
want to exceed 100%!
Have you ever wondered where and how
yodeling began?
Back in the olden days, a man was
traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was
rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere
to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked
the farmer if he could spend the night. The
In The Beginning
In the beginning God created the heavens
and the Earth. And the Earth was without form,
and void, and darkness was upon the face of the
deep.
And Satan said, It doesnt get any better
than this.
And God said, Let there be light, and
there was light. And God said, Let the earth
bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the
fruit tree yielding fruit, and God saw that it was
good.
And Satan said, There goes the
neighborhood.
And God said, Let us make Man in our
image, after our likeness, and let them have
dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the
fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all
the Earth, and over every creeping thing
that creepeth upon the Earth. And so God
created Man in his own image; male and female
created he them. And God looked upon Man
and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, I know how I can get
back in this game.
And God populated the earth with broccoli
and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman
would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonalds. And
McDonalds brought forth the 99-cent double
cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, You
want fries with that?
And Man said, Supersize them. And Man
gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that
woman might keep her figure that man found
so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And
Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad.
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerrys.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, I have sent thee hearthealthy vegetables and olive oil with which to
cook them.
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried
Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu
English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
English: I got this for free
Chinese: Ai No Pei
English: Stay out of sight
Chinese: Lei Lo
Can You Relate?
This is soooo true Its SCARY! Im glad to
know its not only me! DO you have
A.A.A.D.D? They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.
Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed
with A.A.A.D.D.! Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder...
This is how it goes: I decide to wash the
car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail
on the table. Ok, Im going to wash the car. But
first Im going to go through the mail. I lay the
car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail
and I notice the trash can is full. Ok, Ill just put
the bills on my desk and take the trash can out,
but since Im going to be near the mailbox
anyway, Ill pay these few bills first. Now,
where is my chequebook? Oops, theres only
one check left. My extra cheques are in my
desk. Oh, theres the coke I was drinking. Im
going to look for those cheques. But first I need
to put my coke further away from the computer,
oh maybe Ill pop it into the fridge to keep it
cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and
my flowers catch my eye, they need some water.
I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There
are my glasses. I was looking for them all
morning! Id better put them away first.
I fill a container with water and head for
the flower pots. Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV
remote in the kitchen. Well never think to look
in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch
television so Id better put it back in the family
room where it belongs. I splash some water into
the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote
onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back
down the hall trying to figure out what it was I
was going to do?
End of Day: The car isnt washed, the bills
Euphemisms
Euphemisms are mild words used to camouflage disagreeable truths. The business world
has developed a ravenous appetite for euphemisms. For example:
Accept this special invitation. (Pay money.)
Build relationships. (Get money from.)
Convenience fee. (Interest charge)
Stock-market correction. (Crash)
Invest. (Gamble.)
Misdeeds. (Crimes)
Multilevel business partners. (Suckers)
Church Signs
3. Free Trip to Heaven...details Inside!
4. Try our Sundays. They are better than
Baskin-Robbins.
5. Searching for a new look? Have your
faith lifted here!
6. People are funny. They want the front of
the bus, the middle the road, and the back of the
church.
7. Opportunity may knock once, but
temptation bangs on your door for years.
8. Quit griping about your church; if it was
perfect, you couldn't belong.
9. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake
up an audience: "And in conclusion."
10. If the church wants a better pastor, it
only needs to pray for the one it has.
11. Not only are the sins of the fathers
visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins
of the children are visited upon the fathers.
12. God Himself does not propose to judge
a man 'til he is dead. So why should you?
13. To make a long story short, don't tell it.
The 23 Psalm
Timmy was a little five year old boy that
his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier,
she was concerned about him walking to school
when he started Kindergarten. She walked him
to school the couple of days but when he came
home one day, he told his mother that he did not
want her walking him to school everyday. He
wanted to be like the "big boys."
He protested loudly, so she had an idea of