THE SEQUENTIAL DETECTIVE AGENCY - DAY Smolder is sitting behind the desk and Scullery is sitting on the edge of it. Alan is sitting on Scullery's lap. SCULLERY So... what was that about Alan? ALAN (quietly) It was about my father. SMOLDER You mean the guy who created you? ALAN Yeah. Apparently he's in trouble. SCULLERY Who called though? ALAN That was one of my kind. If I remember correctly she's a penguin. SCULLERY (unnerved) I was talking to a penguin? ALAN Not a real penguin. She's a stuffed animal. SCULLERY (relieved) Oh. Well that makes sense. SMOLDER So she just called ta tell ya that he's in trouble. Typical

penguin, always telling ya things. Scullery moves Alan off her lap and onto the desk. SCULLERY Are you upset about it? The reason I ask is because you kinda made him sound evil when we first met you. ALAN I'm not really sure. I use to think he was evil. He brought me to life and then put me in a thankless job. SMOLDER But I thought you couldn't remember how you ended up working at ARGH Pictures? ALAN That's the thing. I always just assumed he was responsible for it but now that I've gotten to live as a person with you guys... well, I've realized how wonderful it is to be alive. I don't think my father brought me to life just so I could run a movie studio. Someone else most be responsible for that. SMOLDER So I guess we're going on a field trip ta rescue your father. ALAN You guys would do that for me? SCULLERY Of course. Alan SNIFFLES. ALAN If I could cry... SMOLDER

It'd be really weird. Scullery stands up. SCULLERY We should probably try doing a little research before we go anywhere. Smolder, I think you should set up the computer. LATER The cardboard box labeled "Computer" is hooked up to the TV and Smolder is sitting in front of it. He has the keyboard on his lap and he's holding the Wiimote in his hand. Scullery is holding Alan in her arms and she's standing next Smolder SCULLERY (to Alan) Do you remember he's name? ALAN I'm pretty sure it was Professor Guildenstern. SCULLERY Okay, but what was his first name. ALAN Professor. SMOLDER His first name was Professor? ALAN (annoyed) Yeah. SCULLERY Was he also a professor? ALAN Yep... oh, I just realized how strange that is. Smolder opens up a search engine, types in, "Professor Professor

Guildenstern", and presses enter. SUDDENLY all the lights go out and the light stops coming in from the window. The only light in the room comes from the TV screen. Alan and Smolder both scream. SCULLERY Oh grow up you two. The TV starts shaking and Scullery screams. The TV begins rapidly displaying images of scientific symbols and mathematic equations. It goes faster and faster until the images become indistinguishable. The TV starts making a loud BUZZING sound. It gets louder and louder. SUDDENLY the TV turns off and the room goes completely dark and silent. Smolder, Alan, and Scullery all scream at the same time. SMOLDER (screaming) What the hepzibah's going on? SCULLERY (screaming) Everybody be quiet! They all stop screaming. A barely noticeable MUSICAL BEAT slowly grows louder. ALAN (whisphering) Can you guys hear that? SCULLERY (whispering) Yeah. SMOLDER (whispering) What is it? SCULLERY (whispering) It sounds like music. SUDDENLY the MUSICAL BEAT fills the room. GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (singing)

I'm trapped, I'm trapped in the internet, I'm trapped and I can't get out, I'm trapped, I'm trapped in the internet, can you hear me scream and shout, SMOLDER That's the worst song I've ever heard! SCULLERY Maybe if we scream really loud we won't be able to hear it! Alan, Smolder, and Scullery all start screaming really loud. GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (cont'd) (singing) I'm all alone, Pick up the phone, Do you hear the tone, That's me when I groan. I'm trapped, I'm trapped in the inter-The music stops and they stop screaming. GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) Is somebody there? The TV turns on exposing the three of them with it's cold glow. Scullery is sitting sideways on Smolder's lap. Her arms are wrapped around him and his arms are wrapped around her. Alan is sitting on top of Scullery's head. Each of them sits motionless staring at the TV screen. The TV displays an image of GUILDENSTERN. He's a very old looking man. Guildenstern looks right at the three of them. GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) Who are you guys? ALAN Father? Guildenstern squints his eyes.

GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) Alan? Is that you? ALAN Yes, it's me. I was the first object you brought to life. Guildenstern smiles. GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) Oh Alan, you were always my favorite. The TV moves a little to the left. ALAN (hesitant) This is my... my family, Father. Smolder and Scullery wave hello. GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) Hello. ALAN Father, I heard you were in trouble. GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) Oh... well yes, I am in trouble. You see I'm trapped in the internet. It's a pretty awkward situation. I wrote a song about it. Would you like me ta sing it for you? SCULLERY/SMOLDER/ALAN No! GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) Well then... Scullery takes Alan off her head and cradles him in her arms.

SCULLERY I'm sorry for interrupting this very... bizarre moment but how'd you get trapped in the internet? GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) Here's the simple explanation: A long time ago I worked on a secret project called The Ashland Experiment. It was originally suppose to take place in Philadelphia but because of budget concerns we moved it to the now hippie infested city of Ashland, Oregon. SMOLDER Was this a government thing? GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) No but we intentionally spread rumors around that it was. Scullery pulls another chair over next to Smolder and sits down next to him. SMOLDER Well then if it wasn't a government thing then what was it? GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) It was financed by the Engelsikarios Corporation but we were working for that corporation's parent company. SCULLERY What was the parent company called? GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) ArghCom. Scullery over at Smolder. SCULLERY

(quietly to Smolder) Does that sound familiar? Smolder nods his head and Scullery looks back at the TV. ALAN I still don't understand how you got stuck in the internet. GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) Okay, so I was working on the Ashland Experiment and I started raising some concerns about the project. Someone ended up telling me to keep my mouth shut though and sadly I did. I continued working on the project but I snuck away a few days before it was completed. If I hadn't done that I'd have died like the rest of the Ashland Experiment team. ALAN What happened? GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) I'm not exactly sure but the entire facility was destroyed. When I found out about it I went into hiding. After awhile I started hearing about strange anomalies popping up all over Oregon. I decided to let people know what happened in Ashland but before I could ArghCom found me. ALAN What'd they do to you? GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) They put me in a coma and hooked my brain up to the internet. I was turned into an information gathering program and I've been trapped in here every since.

ALAN How are you talking to us now? GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) I think they forgot about me. Last year I was suddenly able to travel the internet at my leisure. I couldn't talk ta anyone like I'm doing right now though. ALAN Is there anything we can do? GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) I don't know. The TV screen flickers a little. ALAN What's going on? GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) (on the TV) I'm not... oh no! They've found me! I can't stay here any longer, Alan. ALAN (upset) Don't go! GUILDENSTERN (V. O.) I have to Alan. Just remember that I lo-The TV turns off and the lights come on. Alan starts SNIFFLING. SMOLDER (angrily) Well that just sucks! CUT TO BLACK: THE END