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The book of Leviticus summarised

The Leviticus Grid - Crime and Punishment


Clean and unclean animals
A day in the life – spending one day the Leviticus way
Dr. Laura’s letter

The book of Leviticus summarised

Leviticus is one of the books in the bible from the time of Moses. It is the
commandments from God given to Moses to give to his people. Much of the book
of Leviticus is concerned with what is “clean” or “unclean” (with some very long
lists of the latter), and some very detailed descriptions of how priests should bake
cakes for offering to God. It describes how to treat your neighbours, how to deal
with general hygiene, skin diseases, food preparation, etc. From the modern
perspective, they appear cruel to people with skin problems, because they didn’t
have the medical skill to treat them. The best method they had to deal with any
diseased person (or ‘leper’) was to exclude them from contact with others, and so
they were shunned from normal society. (Note: The disease we know in the 21st
century as leprosy is quite different from the skin diseases grouped together under
the same label in biblical times.)

Weaved within this practical guide to living are contained the laws which Moses
expected his followers to obey, which are defined along with their punishments,
much of which revolves around giving food to the priests and setting light to
pigeons.

The punishments were probably practical to a society built around the ownership
of herds of cows, sheep and goats. Rather than paying for any sin in money, you
would pay for your sins with a bag of flour, a flambéed pigeon, or a nice sheep. For
the most serious crimes you would suffer banishment from the town, or for the
extreme and totally unforgivable sins such as murder, or adultery you paid with
the loss of your life (stoning was popular method back then).

These laws are of their time, and when extracted out of the book and applied to
our society they seem at times outrageous, and often very funny. The grid below
lists most of the perceived sins and their punishments. The sins that are noticeable
by their absence can be surprising to a modern audience. For example,
threesomes are acceptable, as long as there is one man and two women and the
two women are not mother and daughter, owning a slave was perfectly fine -
provided they did not have to travel too far (for some reason slaves must come
from neighbouring nations – so for us in the UK a French slave is preferable to, say,
a Hungarian one) (Lev 25:44) and of course fornication was not a crime – as long
as a man didn’t have sex with an animal, another man, or another man’s wife.
What was the point of having slave girls, or prostitutes after all? These are fair
game.

As the society grew and changed from a nomadic life into a city based life, there
must have been problems for people who didn’t work in the agricultural sector and
who didn’t have any livestock to give to the priests. I can imagine that just outside
the temple, pigeon salesmen would have done a roaring trade. I can also imagine
that the priests in Jerusalem would have had more food offered than they could
have eaten, and it would have been tempting to sell an offered pigeon back to the
next sinner who found himself pigeonless. There is evidence that you could buy
pigeon tokens to make this whole process easier. Perhaps it was this trade, buying
and selling pigeons (or tokens) that got Jesus so hot under the collar the day he
went round tipping tables over in the temple in Jerusalem?

The book tells you much about life in Palestine at the time of Moses, when slavery
was a normal practice, and when women were considered as only a little above the
animals on the list of possessions that a man might own, and disease was a
punishment from God.

The Leviticus Grid - Crime and Punishment

Crime Punishment
If you hear a lie told in public, and you Set fire to a pigeon, and give a second pigeon to a priest
do not contradict the liar and testify to (OR, if you can afford it, give the priest a nice healthy female
the truth sheep or goat. On the other hand, if you are really poor, give the
priest a big bag of flour instead).
If you accidentally touch an “unclean” Burn a pigeon, and give a second pigeon to a priest for him to
thing such as the flesh of an unclean cook and eat (assuming you are in the middle income bracket. F
animal (say, a slice of Wiltshire ham, brevity, every time this grid refers to burning a pigeon, you will
or a dead wasp) need to remember that the punishment could vary depending
upon wealth).
[A full list of clean and unclean
animals is shown below.]
If you accidentally touch anything Ignite and char a pigeon, and give a second pigeon to a priest fo
“unclean” from a human – such as his supper
urine, faeces, pus, semen or any
menstrual blood
If you swear an oath (whether for Yes, I’m afraid its pigeons again. The universal answer to most
good or ill) – such as “I am going to wrong-doings. If you swear at someone you need to set light to
rip your fucking arm off if you do that pigeon, and give a second pigeon to a priest
again”
If you swear at your Mother or Father You are to be stoned to death. No amount of pigeons can get
round this one I’m afraid. Saying “Bloody hell, Dad, I was watch
that!” would see you marched off to the middle of town for a bit o
communal justice. It seems a bit harsh to us, but they were reall
really, really keen on parental respect.

If an unclean animal is found in a Clean the bowl if it’s made of wood. If it’s made of pottery, break
bowl into pieces. There must have been a strong preference for
wooden bowls, one imagines, with their trendy ‘wipe-clean’
surfaces.
If a man has sex with a woman. Both must have a bath. They will both be technically “unclean”
until the next day.
If a man has a wet dream, or Have a bath. He will be technically “unclean” until the next day
masturbates
Crime Punishment
If a woman has a wet dream, or Not mentioned. Either they had a relaxed attitude to female
masturbates masturbation, or (more likely) the concept never occurred to the
If a woman menstruates She will be unclean for seven days, as will anything or anyone
who touches her. On the eighth day after the bleeding has
stopped she needs to set light to a pigeon, and give a second
pigeon to a priest. That’s right, you read that correctly. Every
woman, every four weeks has to set light to a pigeon. The price
pigeons in the crowded streets of Jerusalem must have been sk
high! (pun intended).
Giving birth to a boy Birth is obviously a filthy and unclean business. A woman is
unclean for seven days after giving birth to a boy, and then for th
next thirty three days cannot touch anything holy or sanctified.
After that she needs to set light to a pigeon, and give a second
pigeon to a priest.
Giving birth to a girl Giving birth to a girl is exactly twice as dirty as giving birth to a
boy. A woman is unclean for fourteen days after giving birth to a
girl, and then for the next sixty six days cannot touch anything
holy or sanctified. After that she needs to set light to a pigeon, a
give a second pigeon to a priest.
Having a skin disease, an itch or a The priest will check you out and examine all visible signs of an
spot. disease, and lock you away for a week, to see if its serious or no
If it isn’t serious, you simply shave all the hair off your body
(including eyebrows), have a good wash, cover your body in oil
and then get back to normal.

If it is serious, then it is called ‘leprosy’ you untie your hair and le


it hang loose, rip your clothes, cover your top lip and cry out
“unclean, unclean!”. Then you need to live outside the boundarie
of the town. Its not clear how long you have to do this for – it
seems a bit harsh to be excluded from society for the rest of you
life because your acne didn’t clear up after a week, but still...
Clothes or buildings having disease. As with people, so with buildings and clothes. First try washing t
thing. If that fails get the priest to try a good old-fashioned
cleansing exercise. If that doesn’t work after seven days, destro
it.

If a garment has fungus or rot that can’t be got rid of then the
garment is destroyed (you might get away with cutting out the
infected part and destroying that).

The same with the building. If it can’t be cleaned without the


rot/fungus etc returning then knock it down and take the materia
away to a tip so they aren’t re-used.

Now cleansing is a bit complex for the priest, as the following


extract shows - …and for the cleansing of the house he shall tak
two small birds, with cedarwood and scarlet stuff and hyssop,
shall kill one of the birds in an earthen vessel over running wate
and shall take the cedarwood and the hyssop and the scarlet stu
along with the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the bird th
was killed and in the running water, and sprinkle the house seve
times…
Crime Punishment
Female prostitution You are banished. Which means that you must live outside the
boundaries of the town. Clearly, the edge of town was the place
build both brothels and skin care clinics.
Male prostitution What’s that then? As it’s not mentioned, it might have been a leg
loophole. Places like Sodom and Gomorrah may well have had
rent-boys, but there probably wasn’t much call for gigolos. Girls
were owned by their fathers until the time when they were marri
and then owned by their husbands. And if the husband died, the
were then married to his brothers, or father, or cousin, etc. Ther
were very few women who had no husband and the money to
spend on a male prostitute. They could always sleep with one o
their slaves, though.
Deliberately eating the meat of an You are to be banished from the town. It doesn’t state how long
animal that was given to the priest as for. Priests don’t share food! You would imagine with all the roas
an offering. pigeon that they were forced to eat they would be grateful for th
odd bit to go astray, but no, the roast pigeon transformed into
sanctified and holy food, so only the priests can eat it.
Accidentally eating the meat of an “Oh was that roast pigeon yours? Sorry I thought it was mine...”
animal that was given to the priest as Accidents can happen. You need to pay the priest the value of t
an offering. offering, or give him goods of equivalent value, plus 20%
If you rob somebody, or find You must restore the stolen item to the person you took it from,
something and lie about finding it, or and must also pay an extra amount of about 5% of its value.
oppress somebody into giving you
something. This is such a civilised and approach to stealing, that it sounds
modern, almost Danish or Dutch. I must admit this came as a
surprise to me. From the tone of other punishments I expected t
offender’s hands to be chopped off at the very least.
If a man kills a goat, sheep or cow Banishment. You cannot just go round eating your own animals
and then eats it without taking its you won’t share your barbecue with your neighbours, get out of
carcass to the meeting tent town.
Eating blood, or food made from Banishment. Eating a black pudding or a blue porterhouse steak
blood (black pudding, for example), or causes God to turn his face away from you, apparently. And his
any meat containing blood (a nice followers are commanded to do likewise. Black-pudding eaters
rare steak, for example) were shunned from society, and forced to live with the lepers,
prostitutes and people who wouldn’t share their barbecues.
Eating road kill, or any animal that Well, it’s a bit unclean. So have a good wash, and come back to
has died of its own accord. normal society tomorrow.
Being a male stripper Well, actually, that’s fine. No problem there. There is a specific l
of people you cannot be naked in front of, but providing they are
not in the audience, you are OK.

First of all, lets establish who you cannot be naked in front of;
• Father
• Mother
• Father’s other wives
• Sisters and half-sisters
• Grand-daughters
• Most of your aunts, (with one specific exception – see
below)
• Daughter in law
• Brother’s wife
• Any woman and daughter combo (or grand-daughter) - a
the same time. Separately, that’s OK.
• Any woman having her period
Crime Punishment

And then (by inference) those who you can;


• You can be naked in front of any man or group of men
apart from your dad
• You can be naked in front of your Grandmothers (they
have seen it all) or any great grandparents.
• Any great-grandkids
• You can prance around naked in front of your aunt
provided she is the wife of your mother’s brother. That so
of aunt is always good for a giggle. Being naked in front
the other sorts of Aunt would upset God.
• You can be naked in front of as many women as you like
at the same time, provided they are not mother and
daughter – sisters are no problem.
• Your step daughter
• Your wife (obviously)
• But not your wife and step daughter at the same time,
because they are mother and daughter.

So it seems that being one of the Chippendales is fine as long a


you don’t invite your parents or female relatives to the show, an
you make sure the bouncers forbid menstruating women from
getting in.

If you are naked in front of one of your sisters (or half sisters) th
the punishment is banishment for both of you. But there is no
problem if she is naked in front of you. To be on the safe side,
keep your Y-fronts on when walking round the house.

If you are naked in front of one of your mother’s or father’s siste


(or half sisters) then the punishment is that you shall ‘bear the
iniquity’. Which I guess translates as being sent to Coventry. No
banishment.

For everyone else on the ‘forbidden’ list, no punishment is


specified (but I suspect it might involve the grilling of a brace of
pigeons)
Being a female stripper Much simpler. Women can be naked in front of anyone. Dance
away, naked lady, I see no crime here.
A man having sex with one of his This is an abomination. You must get out of town quick, and nev
wives (unmarried) sisters when his come back.
wife is still alive
Having sex with another man’s wife. I’m sorry, but that’s a stoning offence. The pair of you. Killed
without mercy.
Devoting any of your children by fire What were you thinking of? This is a stoning offence. Sorry.
to Molech
Deliberately not joining in the stoning You are almost as bad. Consider yourself lucky to have escaped
fun and helping stone a guy that has with your life. Get out of town and don’t ever come back.
devoted his children by fire to Molech
A man having sex with another man An abomination. The punishment is stoning.
A woman having sex with another Nothing wrong with this! Perfectly healthy and acceptable
woman behaviour for women to screw each other senseless. According
Exodus they can even use dildos (its true! Look it up if you don’t
believe me)
Crime Punishment
A man or woman having sex with an An abomination. The man or woman is to be stoned to death…
animal and the animal must also be put to death (well, it must have led
them on a bit, mustn’t it?)
A woman being raped in the It’s not her fault. What could she have done about it? She is
countryside. unclean for 14 days, but then can be re-admitted to society.
A woman being raped in the city What a vile and evil whore! She is to be put to death immediatel
Why the discrepancy? Well the logic goes something like this -
rape in the city just isn’t possible, because a woman could cry fo
help and have been saved. If she wasn’t saved, then she mustn
have cried for help loudly enough, therefore she consented, and
both a liar and an adulterer. QED.
A woman being raped in the suburbs Now you are just trying to be clever. Its either city or countryside
There are no ‘in-betweens’
A man being raped by a woman I would just keep quiet about this if I were you. There is no law
(whether in the city or otherwise) against it, so let’s just pretend it didn’t happen, OK?
Eating any sacrificed animal on the That’s good, given the priest allowed you to eat it, a nice hot me
day of sacrifice – with the priests Delicious.
permission
Eating any sacrificed animal on the Day after is good too. Cold cuts. Yum Yum.
day after a sacrifice.
Eating any sacrificed animal two days You abomination in the sight of the Lord! Get out of here and
after it was sacrificed. never return. You are banished.
Eating any sacrificed animal three or Not actually mentioned. So its probably OK. Which is a bit odd.
more days after it was sacrificed. think this is a loophole in the law here, cos the law actually says
any of it is eaten at all on the third day” and I guess they meant
say “on the third day, or any day thereafter” But hey, I am no
lawyer. You make up your own mind.
If a person visits a medium, or wizard, Banishment.
or helps look after them
I’m not sure that having some guy do magic tricks at your kids
birthday party falls into this category, but just in case, best to bo
a male stripper instead.

And does watching a Harry Potter film count? Again, best be on


the safe side and watch something a bit safer. Like that nice film
where Jesus gets his flesh torn off, what was it called again…
If a person practices witchcraft or Well, as you might expect, no mercy is to be shown. They are to
augury be stoned to death.
Lying No punishment specified, provided you don’t lie about finding
something and pretend it was yours all along, or commit slander
Any other lie seems to be OK.
Keeping a hired servants wages This is a good one for the employees. Workers are to be paid at
overnight the end of every working day – forget monthly direct debit! Any
person who keeps the pay till the following day will, well, we don
know what will happen, because no punishment is specified, bu
bet it involves the death of some animal or other.
Have sex with a slave girl who The slave will not be put to death (because she was not free to
belongs to someone else, or is make up her own mind on this). The man will need to take a ram
betrothed (but not yet married) to the priest’s tent, and he will be forgiven.
without asking permission
Have sex with a slave girl who No punishment is listed, but given the light nature of the
belongs to someone else, or is punishment if you do this without permission, the inference is th
betrothed (but not yet married) after this is acceptable behaviour.
asking permission
Crime Punishment
Cutting or rounding the hair at your You are not supposed to be doing this, but no punishment is list
temples, or “marring the edges” of
your beard.
Getting a tattoo Also frowned upon, but no punishment listed
Making your daughter become a Banishment. Take her to the brothels on the edge of town.
prostitute
Having sex with one of your father’s Both you and your father’s wife will be put to death.
wives
Having sex with one of your son’s Both you and your son’s wife will be put to death.
wives
Having sex with a mother and her All three of you will be burned to death. One of the few occasion
daughter where you will set light to people. It is obviously a biggie. You
might have gotten away with a stoning in other circumstances.
Having sex with a woman while she is You have uncovered the fountain of her blood. You are both to b
menstruating. cut off from your people, and banished. That’s right. You might
the nicest, most law-abiding man on the planet, but if you discov
a bit of blood on the sheet after having sex with your wife, then
you both need to pack your things and get out of town.
Having sex with one of your brother’s God will administer the punishment here. The guilty parties will d
wives or one of your uncle’s wives. childless.

Of course, if you were both just interested in sex, and not too
bothered about having any more kids, this punishment might no
put you off!

You may have noticed that, surely, some people must have don
this and then gotten pregnant. How is this explained? Well, if the
offending couple end up having kids, then either they were
innocent in the first place, or God has forgiven them. Which is
convenient, isn’t it?
A priest MUST marry a virgin. He is A good nice innocent request. Notice it doesn’t say that the Prie
forbidden to marry a prostitute or a must be a virgin? He can have been banging his slave girls as
divorcee often as he liked. It’s just his bride that must be innocent.
Anyone else should avoid marrying a Well, you don’t know where she’s been, do you?
prostitute, or a woman that has been
divorced, or a woman who is not a
virgin.
If a priests daughter should become a She is to be burned to death. Definitely not a good thing. The
prostitute priest doesn’t seem to take any blame for this, though, just the
daughter.
Kissing, fondling and petting. Doesn’t seem to be a problem. Never mentioned anywhere as a
problem. As long as you don’t have sex, you can do this to
anyone.
Giving or receiving oral sex. Again, this doesn’t seem to be a problem. It either never occurre
to anyone that this might be a possibility, OR it was considered
be normal and natural behaviour for people to indulge in.
According to this view, Clinton never broke any laws of the bible
when he was with Monica Lewinski!
If someone dies, then don’t ‘defile’ Moses didn’t like over enthusiastic displays of affection, did he?
yourself (cut your beard, make marks
on your skin, or shave the hair on
your head) UNLESS they are close to
you (brother, mother, sister (if a
virgin), etc)
Crime Punishment
Priests. Don’t defile yourself, even the Not specified
person who died was very close to
you.
Being a disabled people, or anyone They cannot approach the altar of the Lord, even to make an
who wears glasses, or anyone who is offering to God.
not a perfect human specimen This
specifically includes; “Hey You! Four Eyes – get out of our church, are you just trying
• A blind man wind God up, or what?”
• Or A lame man
• Or one with a mutilated face
• or a limb too long,
• or a man who has an injured
foot
• or an injured hand,
• or a hunchback,
• or a dwarf,
• or a man with a defect in his
sight,
• or an itching disease
• or scabs
• or crushed testicles
• or who has a blemish of any
kind

Murder Put to death. I think you could have guessed this one.
Killing someone else’s beast Try and make it good by giving a life for a life, as close in value
and condition to the original as possible.
GBH Any disfigurement done to a neighbour will be done to the
perpetrator in turn – a fracture for a fracture, an eye or an eye, a
tooth for a tooth.
Oppressing your neighbour Please don’t do this. No punishment actually listed, just a ‘thou
shalt not...’
Cursing the deaf It seems a bit pointless cursing them if they can’t hear you. And
who would know?!? In fact you can lie about it if you want! (See
above) But enough people must have been doing this for Moses
to draft a law against it.
Putting things in front of blind people Moses didn’t like practical jokes, did he? I can only imagine that
so that they fall over this was a common prank that was played on the poor
unfortunates, and after the laughter had died down Moses clear
his throat and asked “What do you think God feels about this?”
and they all shuffled their feet looked down and felt bad about it
But no actual punishment specified. I would guess it wasn’t goo
news for pigeons though.
Commit slander No punishment listed. No-one likes this sort of thing, do they?
Hate your neighbour I like this one. Don’t hate people. It’s not good. Moses doesn’t
quite go as far as Jesus did a few hundred years later when he
said you should Love your Neighbour, but to me it seems that h
was on the same track.
Crime Punishment
Cross breed cows You can take genes from fish and put them into tomatoes, Mose
foresaw no difficulties with GM foods. And you can breed any ty
of goat with any other type of goat, or sheep for that matter. But
not cows. Just specifically cows. You have your Jerseys, your
Aberdeen Anguses, and your Holsteins. And never the twain sh
meet. Lord knows what punishments British dairy and beef
farmers are in for when they get to the pearly gates. What were
they thinking of?
Sow two kinds of seed in the same Moses liked order and things to be neat and tidy. Wheat fields a
field for wheat, oats in oat fields, etc. You can make muesli if you wa
but don’t try and grow a field of muesli!
Wear clothes made from two sorts of My personal favourite. Moses specifically drafted a law forbiddin
cloth people to wear socks made from 65% polyester! How cool is tha
If you put on your cotton undies, then all your clothes must be
100% cotton. Anything else and you probably have to wash
yourself clean, cover yourself in oils and set light to some more
pigeons!

Leviticus contains lists of many things a person should not do, without any specific
punishment. But Chapter 26 ends with a dire warning from God (via Moses) (verse
15 onward), saying that if you don’t obey, God will get increasingly angry.

To start with he will make the people suffer terror, consumption and fever. If that
doesn’t work he will curse the land and make it as hard as brass. If the people
don’t obey after that he will bring down plagues, pestilence and wild beasts to
devastate the people. If that doesn’t work, he will turn everyone into cannibals and
then, guess what comes after cannibalism? It must be something very nasty,
mustn’t it? Well, the penultimate punishment is that ten women will bake bread in
one oven and the bread won’t be very filling. I bought a loaf a bit like that at Asda
the other day, and I think we might have gotten to this bit already. Finally God will
lay waste to the land, kill and scatter all the people, and any remnants will be full
of fear and despair.

And that should just about do it, I would think.


Sick and tired of “Thou shalt not…”? – Here are a few of the things you are
encouraged to do.

Do…
Farmers, leave the edges of the fields un-harvested, and leave any gleanings
of the harvest. Leave these for the poor.
Love your neighbour as yourself. (Its a Jesus one, but I like it)
Honour the face of an old man. Not sure which old man they have in mind, or
why specifically his face.
Keep the Sabbath holy.
Treat any strangers in your community as you would the native among you,
and you shall love him as yourself. (Remember that we were all strangers
when we lived in Egypt)
Make sure all of your weights and measures are accurate
Keep the lamps of the temple burning at all time (and to hell with global
warming)
You may buy male and female slaves from among the nations that are round
about you, or from among the strangers who live with you. And their children
belong to your sons for ever. You shouldn’t have people from your own
nation as slaves.
You must wait for five years after planting a tree before you can eat the fruit.
Do not eat fruit from a tree which has been planted less than three years
(forbidden). The fruit of the fourth year is to be given to the priests.

Clean and unclean animals


Well, they were not great biologists, it has to be said. For example they thought
that bats were just another type of bird and they seem convinced that insects
have four legs.
“Even these of them you may eat; the locust and the cricket and the
grasshopper. But all other flying creeping things, which go on all fours, shall be
an abomination unto you” (Leviticus 11:22-23).
“And these are they which you shall have in abomination among the fowls;
they shall not be eaten, they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage,
and the ospray, (etc etc). . . and the bat” (Leviticus 11:13-19).

Clean Animal Unclean Animals


Any sort of fish, provided it has fins Any other sort of aquatic or marine
and scales. animal, - crustaceans (prawns, lobster,
crab) molluscs (squid, octopus, mussels,
oysters) and everything else, turtles,
crocodiles, etc.
Locusts, crickets and grasshoppers Every other sort of insect. Honey is OK,
but the bees are unclean.
Clean Animal Unclean Animals
Any bird is OK to touch and to eat, They give a long list of birds of prey
provided its not on the list of unclean (vulture, eagle, osprey, etc) so to be on
birds the safe side, avoid eating any bird of
prey (including owls).

Other birds on the list include ravens, the


ostrich, the nighthawk, the sea gull, the
cormorant, the ibis, the water hen, the
pelican, the stork, the heron and the
hoopoe.

Bats are included in the list of birds, which


is a taxonomic mistake, but maybe God
got it right and all these Evolution-
pushing Biologists got it wrong, eh?
Animals with cloven feet that chew the Camels, pigs, horses, etc.
cud – basically this is a way of
including cows, sheep and goats in all
their varieties, while excluding pigs,
horses and camels.
Any animal with paws and/or claws (cats,
dogs, bears, etc)
reptiles
Swarming things – except locusts,
grasshoppers and crickets.
Mice, weasels, whatever goes on its belly,
or has many feet

Whales, dolphins and seals aren’t referenced, but if you aren’t sure, I would
recommend that you don’t eat one.

A day in the life – spending one day the Leviticus way

Imagine the diary of a man who has just joined a Leviticus cult – a group of like-
minded individuals who decide to live their lives following strict biblical law.

Wednesday 10th July


First day as a New Leviticusian. Woke up, washed, brushed teeth and shaved, but
not my sideburns! I am going to have to let these grow long from now on. Start to
get dressed, but stop when I get to put my socks on (oops, I have to check that
they are 100% cotton first, any with some polyester in need to go in the bin) – I
must avoid wearing clothes made of two sorts of cloth – Its only cotton or wool
(never both) for me from now on. Does a leather belt count? I had better not wear
it just to be sure.
Go to the fridge. Bacon? Sausages? Black Pudding? I don’t think so! I am going to
have to clear this lot out and stick with Kosher food from now on. Make sure I cut
all the fat off, no shellfish, that sort of thing. What else have I got in the fridge? No.
Probably best to stick to cereal and milk today.

Read the cereal box while eating. Hope the farmers that grew them didn’t grow
mixed seeds in the same fields, because that would be an abomination to the Lord
- Nah, probably not a problem because modern Agri-Business prefers mono-
cultures anyway.

Check the date. It’s the 10th of July – ah, so I can’t go to work today, God said so.
Its true! He specifically says that the 10th of July is a bank holiday FOR EVER.

So what should I do instead? I could go down the park and have a kick-about with a
ball, but I now know that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean - Can I
still play football if I wear gloves?

I know, I will pop next door to see Bob. My neighbour Bob is another New
Leviticusian who has been doing this for about a year now. He has two slave girls
in his cellar that he ‘captured’ and has forced into a life of sexual slavery, and I
want to have sex with one of them (the Belgian one, obviously. The girl from
Bulgaria is suspect because it’s not a neighbouring country, but Bob reckons that
anywhere in the EU is fair game). Unfortunately Bob is not there. This is awkward,
because I need his permission. If he gave me permission (for example “its fine, go
ahead and fill your boots”) then this would clear me of any wrong doing. But
because I don’t have permission, I will have to give a sheep to the priest. I struggle
with this for about 3 seconds before submitting to temptation and giving the girl a
right old seeing too (after carefully checking she wasn’t menstruating – wouldn’t
want to displease God would we?). Have a bath afterwards so that I will be clean
tomorrow, and then nip down to the butchers to pick up a whole sheep.

Have a good old chin-wag with my butcher. It turns out he is a New Leviticusuian
too! He will take the sheep to the priests on my behalf. Apparently the priest
prefers the butcher to do it for him, and this is OK, provided that there is enough
blood in the carcass to sprinkle around the altar. This butcher is a good chap, and I
consider selling him my daughter (Exodus 21:7) . But if he has his way with her,
and doesn’t like her, I will have to take her back. Not sure how much I would get
anyway.

Go back home and pass my old friend Thomas’s house. He is a very kind man, and
his wife June is really sweet, but unfortunately she was previously married. She left
her first husband because he used to beat her. I used to feel sorry for her, but now
I can see the error of my ways. She should have obeyed her first husband and
accepted the beatings as her wifely duty. And now because she married to
Thomas, she is an adulterer and a bigamist. I must uphold the word of God today,
so I will get a group of my new friends together and we will stone her to death. I
will probably have to give Thomas a good smiting as well. But hold on – this can’t
be right! It’s a day of rest today. I will do it tomorrow then.
Get back home and make a cup of tea. Check the mirror – looks like I have a spot,
carelessly I wipe it with my hand, and the spot breaks. Bugger!! I have touched the
“unclean” fluids within. And I cursed as well. With a sigh I leave the house and
head for the garden. Using my air gun I shoot four pigeons in the tree. I take them
to the priest. He has been piling the weight on recently, and seems a bit sick of
eating pigeons. Anyhow, he picks the plumpest two to give to his cook to deal with
(he has to eat these, it’s the law) and takes the other two and puts them onto an
open fire on the altar. I am not allowed to go anywhere near the altar because I
wear glasses, and it offends God if I approach His altar. Whoosh! The birds go up in
flames, and soon the acrid burning smell of burning feathers fills the air. The birds
bubble and crackle as they cook, and then begin to smoke as they start to char. It
smells pretty bad to me, but is a pleasing odour to the Lord (apparently). As I leave
the church there is a long queue outside of women who are no longer suffering the
sin of “that time of the month” with dead pigeons in hand, then a really poor
looking guy with his bags of flour, some rich guy behind him with a bullock, two
sheep and a goat. I wonder what he has been up to? And finally Tony, with about
40 pigeons in a cage. It seems that Tony suffers from Turettes syndrome...

And finally, a couple of links

Dr Laura letter
There is a radio ‘personality’ in the United States called Laura Schlessinger, who
dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Paramount Television
Group produce a "Dr. Laura" television show. Not long ago she became a convert
to a strict version of Judaism, and now she is Ba'al T'shuvah.

She has made some statements about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian
anti-hate laws to censure her.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the internet.

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for
example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and
how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour
for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not
pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In
this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of
menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried
asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own
Canadians?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly
states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev.
11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle
this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in
my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be
20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their
temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they
die?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the
same field. as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of
thread.They both work on Saturdays (the true Sabbath) and he also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot.
Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a
private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.
20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

A little fun quiz…


http://www.bettybowers.com/biblequiz.html

...and another interesting link...


http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?
id=RsvLevi.sgm&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=all