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PrepGenie GAMSAT Sample Essays Evaluated

Sample Essay - 001

The best social program is a good job.
Title: A good job has countless benefits

ie

In today’s society, it is difficult to define a ‘good’ job. I say this because it can sometimes be wrongly assumed
that jobs in a certain sector or category are better than others. However, in reality, this is not the case. In order
to have a successful economy and country, we need to have people who can fit a variety of jobs. As we are all
individuals, with our own interests and skills, this can make the range of job roles positively variable. Although this
is true, I believe that the structure of a ‘good’ job (as deemed by society) has many benefits for the people who
work in them. When you consider mental heathhealth, crime and the economy of a country-the benefits are
tangible.

Comment [NS1]: This is a hypotheses. You need
to explain it.
Comment [NS2]: TThese
hese are two ideas expressed
together.
Comment [NS3]: This is a hypothesis and must
be explained.

en

Unfortunately, in society there is a stigma associated with certain roles. I will not give endless examples, but we
are preconditioned to respect a CEO of a multinational company more
re than a cleaner working in one of their
premises. However, despite this distinction, having any job is better than not having a job at all. We are aware
from endless reports on this matter and clear links made between unemployment and mental health problems.
pr oblems.
Without a job, your place in society is not among the majority and may leave you feeling isolated.
isolated. Of course this is
only one problem; I have not mentioned that unemployed people will not feel as financially stable as someone
with a job. Thus, although
lthough there are plenty of reasons why people have difficulties in life, I believe that it is made
more difficult without a job.

A friend of mine works for a charity that helps fund local charities in Scotland. One project she is working on at
the moment is to help train and aid people from notoriously deprived areas of Glasgow. This area is known for high
crime rates and gangs. However, one extremely positive story she mentioned to me is that she helped one man
from this group find a job and how hiss whole life has turned around because of this intervention. This story is the
one which my friend uses when she looks for more funding from local companies. Finding a job may not help in
every case, but it could certainly help and maybe even decrease the crime rate.

G

Finally, ‘good’ jobs in certain sectors can prove to be extremely advantageous for certain countries. Ireland, for
example, is known for excellent science, engineering and IT graduates. As we are known for this, we have
benefitted from an influx
x of multinational companies including Dell, which have decided to have a factory in
Ireland. This was part of the reason Ireland was so prosperous during the ‘‘Celtic
Celtic tiger’ when our country
benefitted economically. It was this prosperity that attracted more companies to locate in Ireland; an almost
domino effect which gave us an international name for excellence.

Total: 64/100

ep

In conclusion,, have mentioned that it is difficult to define what a ‘good’ job isis
is-but
-but
but having a job in todays
todaystoday’s
society can be a wonderful
ful asset for a country and its people.

Concept and Expression: 27/40

The essay has been overall wellwell-written.
well
-written.
written. The ideas have been expressed pretty well and your coherence of thought
comes through clearly. There are a few areas with scope for improvement, but you can deal with them with a
little more attention.

Pr

Whenever you
you present a hypotheses in your essay, make sure you have explained the same. For instance, in the
introduction to the essay, you have stated that a good job has many benefits when the mental health, crime rate
and economy of a country are concerned; however, you have not explained why you think this essay.
e
Unless you
explain a hypothesis with ample arguments an
a
and
nd
d illustrations
illustrations, there is nothing to validate the hypothesis, which
means that you have not been able to convince the examiner of the same.
Illustrations must be used appropriately in an essay, that is, you must put them relevantly and also know where to
Illustrations
place them. For instance, in the second paragraph of the essay, you have stated that we are aware from various
reports that having any job is better than having none, and that joblessness and mental illness have often been
linked. In both these cases, you would have made your argument stand really strong had you added some examples
of such reports. Even a case that you have seen yourself or heard from someone- that is, a personal examplewould have been really appropriate in this respect.
Using the personal example of the friend was a great idea. It makes the impression that you understand the topic
well enough to be able to identify with and relate to it.

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Comment [NS4]: This is a nice touch!

Comment [NS5]: Some explanation required.

Comment [NS6]: Avoid such phrases.

PrepGenie GAMSAT Sample Essays Evaluated

Sample Essay - 001

It is incorrect to assume that the examiner will be able to understand every reference you make; in fact, it is
advisable that you write with the assumption that the examiner knows nothing of them. Whatever reference you
make, make sure that it is accompanied with a brief explanation. This will make your arguments stronger since the
relation between the argument and the illustration will become clearer. Of course, do keep in mind that you must
not get carried away; write only what is absolutely necessary. This is something that was required in the example
of the Celtic tiger.

ie

Avoid expressing too many ideas in a single paragraph. In the second paragraph of this essay, you have stated that
certain jobs are stigmatised, while others are venerated. This is a very good example of seeing the topic from
various perspectives. However, it would have been much better structuring if you had not moved from this idea to
the fact that any job is better than none- all in the same paragraph. Both ideas are very suitable for this essay, but
since they are almost contradictory, placing them in the same paragraph makes the impression that you are
contradicting yourself.

Framework: 22/40

en

Ideally, there is one paragraph allotted to each idea. Merging of ideas, on the other hand, is extremely important.
When you make the transition from one paragraph to the next and hence to a separate idea, it is essential that you
end the previous paragraph on a note that allows scope for the next paragraph to begin. In short, the ending of
one paragraph/idea should hold the germ of the next.
The title you have used in this essay can be improved upon greatly. While it is quite short, it fails to invoke the
interest of the reader. You need to ensure that the title that you use is an intriguing one.
one. Remember that the title
title
is the first place in the essay where you can grab the attention of the reader. A such, it is essential that you make
the title a thought-provoking one. It should set the tone of your essay and give the reader a glimpse of what is
coming, while at the same time, it must not give away too much. Playing with words is a good idea when you are
formulating the title. Take a quote or a proverb, and twist it around to suit your purpose.

G

Avoid using phrases like ‘in conclusion’, ‘in summary’, ‘wrapping up’ etc in your conclusion. Such phrases make
the write-up look wooden.
oden. The conclusion should be written in such a way that it becomes obvious that you are
wrapping up the essay, without you having to say so explicitly.
Apart from this, you have maintained the ideal
eal structure of an essay, complete with the title, introduction,
separate body paragraphs and a conclusion.

ep

Linguistic Accuracy: 15/20

Grammatically speaking, there are no error
errors
erro
rss in this essay. You need to take care of your spellings. There are very
few, but they stand out all the more because of the fact that the write-up
write-up
writeup is good in so many other aspects. It
would be a good idea to review your essay once you are done with it; such mistakes are ccommon when you are
writing in a flow, and you will be able to eliminate the in a review. Letting such mistakes remain make
makes the
impression of negligence, which is NOT GOOD.
Practising time management is a good way of ensuring that you have at least 5 minutes at the end of section 2 to
review your writewrite-ups.
write
-ups.
ups. For this, practise writing by hand, so that you can increase your writing speed. Keep tab on
your progress until you are able to write coherently and still have
have some time left at the end.

Pr

Of course, the language and style of the essay can be considerably improved. You can certainly work toward
making the sentences more interesting. Adding some humour never goes amiss! Remember that the examiner will
be reading through a lot of essays, and the more interesting and lucid your write
write-up is, the better chance you have
of improving your score. Fluidity of language is much desired here.

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the written permission of Prepgenie.com.au.

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PrepGenie GAMSAT Sample Essays Evaluated

Sample Essay - 002

Task A
History and Learning
Arnold Toynbee

ie

"History" is a greekGreek word which means, literally, just "investigation"

In the above assertion Arnold Toynbee suggests that history is about learning, findings and
investigating. However, contrary to the above assertion, a lot of people use history as an excuse for
war, tribalism and ethnocentric superiority. People can learn from history but history should never
dictate the future.

Formatted: Font:

Formatted: Font:

Comment [NS1]: Assertion or argument would
be a better word here. Contention also means
argument, but in a different sense. When you are
presenting an argument in an essay, the word
means an opinion. On the other hand, the word
contention means disagreement.

Throughout history and quite often people
ople fight with each other based on the notion that " where did
you come from or where did I come from" or " You don't belong here and I belong here or I am native
or you are not native ". Once Albert Einstein said that " The mean main reason for the Second World
War was Nationalism". If people were really to investigate history, they should use it as means for
learning and to avoid the mistakes of the past.

Formatted: Font:

G

en

In support of my a bove contention, I remember one day in Afghanistan, when I was a bout five years
of age. My older brother took me to watch dog fighting, which was a common tradition in Afghanistan
in those days. I have asked my brother that why those dogs were fighting with each other. He replied
replied "
It is because one dog says to other dog that his father and ancestors were more powerful and superior
than the other dog, while the other dog disagree and says that no it is other way round, that his
father and ancestors are more powerful than other dog and thus they start to fight with each other
over this discussion". Sometimes,, I relate the above analogy to people who are trying to fight with each
other based on race, ethnicity and social background. Since Afghanistan is a mul
multi-ethnic
mu
lti
ti--ethnic
ethnic and
multicultural society, I have often observed this type of mentality. Where people think that their
culture, way of life and language is superior than others and often time they refer to historical events.

Total: 51/100

ep

AlthoughHowever,, the trend toward looking at history might be changing in the west and more civilized
civilised countries, as they have built Eurpean
EurpeanEuropean
European Union and they would not want to repeat the
mistakes of the past. However, in a lot of the thirldthird
thirldthird world countries and specifically in my country
Afghanistan this trend of worshipiingworshipping
worshipiingworshipping past heroes and history is very common and often
times leads to incite hatrethatred
hatred and discrimination, which produce complete
completely opposite results than
what one would expect.

Concept and Expression: 23
23/40
/40

Pr

This essay has been wellwell-written
well
-written
written overall. Good job! The improvement has certainly been dramatic.
The biggest problem with your essay is that no new ideas have been introduced in the structure. You
started off the essay by stating that history should be a means of learning and not of waging war, which
is what unfortunately happens today. You have carried on in the same strain throughout the essay,
without throwing
throwing any light on any other aspect of the topic. This has made the essay extremely
repetitive. Avoid a repetition of ideas; if you have chosen a topic you don’t have much to say about,
keep the essay short and crisp with a single idea. The length of the essay is not that important as long
as it has been interestingly presented.
You don’t necessarily have to state your stance outright in your essay. The arguments you express and
the opinions you state should be enough to bring out your stance on the give
given topic. While stating your

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the written permission of Prepgenie.com.au.

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Formatted: Font:
Formatted: Font:

Comment [NS2]: Avoid putting anything in
quotes if it is not exactly what the concerned
speaker said. If you are rephrasing the sentence
while keeping the meaning intact, there is no reason
for using quotation marks.
Comment [NS3]: Use British English in the
GAMSAT essay.

Formatted: Font:
Comment [NS4]: What are, then, the desired
results?

PrepGenie GAMSAT Sample Essays Evaluated

Sample Essay - 002

stance outright is quite acceptable, the statement itself looks more like an answer to a question, losing
out on spontaneity.

ie

An illustration is a highly essential component of an essay. However, an example acts as a support of
the arguments you present in the essay, and not as the argument itself. It is essential to make sure that
you don’t fill up too much of the essay with the description of a single argument. That space can be
sued to introduce another idea. State only that much of an illustration that is absolutely essential to
bring out your stance.

en

In the final sentence of the essay, you have stated that history has incited hatred and discrimination
discrimination,,
which is opposite to what it had originally intended to do. However,, you have not stated what this
‘opposite’ effect is that it was supposed to achieve. Iff you are stating a hypothesis in the essay, you
must ensure that you have elaborated on it with relevant arguments and illustrations. This is absolutely
essential because without an argument, your hypothesis remains unsupported.
Framework: 18/40

You have provided a title to the essay that is short and crisp, but it needs more of the interest factor.
The title should be short and engaging. It should give an idea of what the essay is about without giving
away too much. The topic provided is often a quote or a proverb. Using the same or a rephrasing of the
same is not acceptable.

G

The conclusion is pretty good,
od, but at the end, you have stated another hypothesis, and you have not
said anything further to support the same. This makes the essay rather incomplete, leaving the reader
with the feeling that there is more to come. The sense of completion is lacking here.
here.
The ideal structure of the essay has been followed here. Kudos on that!
Linguistic Accuracy: 10/20

Pr

ep

There are some language issues in the essay, although the improvement has been drastic! Keep writing;
there is no alternative to making your language better. You should also keep conversing in the language
to ensure better command, and grammar exercises will be useful as well. Remember that sshort
sentences are always better and easier to read than the lengthy ones. Active voice sentences are more
desirable than passive voice, but that is again a relative assumption. Throughout the essay, the
sentences should be wellwell-constructed
well
-constructed
constructed and organised and excessively long and complex sentences are to
be avoided.

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the written permission of Prepgenie.com.au.

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PrepGenie GAMSAT Sample Essays Evaluated

Sample Essay - 003
Comment [NS1]: This is Alan Coren’s quote.

Comment [NS2]: You seem to have
misinterpreted the statement.

ie

I strongly disaggredisagree with the assertion in relation to democracy by Robert Byrne that " Democracy
consists of choosing your dictators, after they have told you what you think it is you want to hear". After all,
democracy is the government of people, by the people and for the people, therefore, deomocarcydemocracy
should not be blamed for dictator ship but rather people should be blamed for electing a dictator and allow
dictators to dictate their life and property.

From the dawn of human history there hasn't been a completely flawless society, if there was one, it would
havewas probably been Adam and Eve in the gardenGarden of Eden. The Hhuman
uman being is a very aggressive
animal by nature., tThroughout history they killed each other over land, religion, tribalism and pride but I
assume that their skulls have evolved enough to overcome its aggressive nature by use of reason, logic and
rationalising situations through use of science.

Comment [NS4]: Did you mean brains?

G

en

If humankind have has evolved enough to overcome its extinctive nature of violanceviolence
violence then why do
we still see systemic manipulation of man to by man or man by government to man?.. The main problem
forcause behind this is pouverty and lack of resoucesresources. If a country does not have economic
economical
al
freedom, they it will never achieve their political freedom; thus certain portion of people, who expect
economical freedom opt to elect a dictator to rule them and the rest of people suffer as a consequence of
this disproportionality of weatlhwealth. Take the example of Iraq,. Saddam hussain
hussainHussein
Hussein was hated by
many people but he also had a huge group of supporters.. Had there been economical equality in Iraq the
majority of people would have never supported Saddam hussainHussein.
Hussein. In addition to wealth,
wealth, economical
economical
freedom also brings education and enlightenment to society, so that the people get educated and not being
being
manipulated.

Comment [NS3]: You have not stated what you
mean by a completely flawless society. Did you
mean a truly democratic society, where there is no
manipulation and hence, no dictatorship, is
completely
comple
tely flawless? Without an elaboration on this
point, your thought does not come across very
clearly.

To sum it up, it is not the fault of democracy for dictatorshipdictatorship
dictatorshipdictatorship is not the fault of democracy, but
it is rather people’s fault and people’ss fault can be associated to lack of education and awareness due to
bad economy.

Total: 33/100

ep

Concept and expression: 13/40

You started the essay by stating your stance on the given topic. While it is acceptable, it is always better
to let your arguments reflect your stance instead of stating it outright. A direct statement of your stance
will take away the reader’s interest as there is not really much left to know.
Make sure you completely understand the statement you are taking up as your topic. In this case, you
chose Coren’s comment. The quote states that the system of democracy is nothing but a way of
choosing dictators for yourself,
yourself, by allowing them to manipulate our allegiances first.

Pr

In the introduction, you have stated that you disagree wit
with the statement. However, you have gone on
to say that it is not the system per se, but the people that are responsible for using the system in the
wrong way and choosing dictators. While it is true that democracy in theory is not to be blamed for this
misuse,
use, you have stated yourself that it is a system ‘of the people, by the people and for the people’.
This way, you have made it clear that the practical application of democracy, that is, its use by the
people, is incorrect. This way, you have actually agr
agreed with Coren’s statement.

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the written permission of Prepgenie.com.au.

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Comment [NS5]: Destructive is a better word
here.
Comment [NS6]: Contradictory statement. You
have stated that man has evolved enough to
aggressive nature, but then you go on
overcome its aggress
to say that despite this, man is still manipulative
and, subsequently, destructive.
Comment [NS7]: Economical means frugal, that
is, not being extravagant. Economic is related to
economy, that is, finances.
Comment [NS8]: The logic of this statement is
not clear.
Comment [NS9]: If you are citing a public figure,
make sure you get the name absolutely right.
Comment [NS10]: You have not explained how
education can enable a person to avoid
manipulation.

PrepGenie GAMSAT Sample Essays Evaluated

Sample Essay - 003

ie

As a result, your statement has become contradictory at the very beginning of the essay. It is essential
never to contradict your own statements, especially since you have already stated a very strong stance.
If you are writing a discursive essay, it is necessary to present different aspects of the topic and discuss
the pros and cons of each side, but then you cannot state a definitive standpoint of your own.
Contradicting your own statement, either with the arguments you present to support it, or by another
statement you make later on, gives the impression that your thoughts are incoherent.

en

Whatever ideas and opinions you state in the essay, they must be supported by adequate arguments
arguments..
Here, for instance, you have stated that certain people who want wealth elect a dictator, as a result of
which there is disproportionality of wealth and the other people suffer. This statement is not clear at all.
First of all, you have not stated just how a dictator can solve the issue of poverty. Moreover, it is also not
clear how a certain section benefits from this kind of leadership while the others suffer.
Framework: 15/40

You have
ve not provided a title to your essay. This is extremely important and can lose you valuable
marks. A title to the essay is what gets the reader intrigued to read further. The title should be short,
catchy and immediately get the reader’s attention. It should
uld give the reader a glimpse of what is coming
in the essay and be clear about the topic,, but it should not give away too much.

G

You have separated your essay in different body paragraphs, but no new idea has been introduced in
any of them. As a result, the essay has become slightly repetitive. Avoid this at all costs; it is better to
write a 250-word
word short article instead of a meandering tirade on the same ideas.

ep

The introduction to the essay is like the title; it should be something intriguing
intriguing that hooks the reader to
go further and see what you have to say. It is best to start an essay with an interesting piece of
information as the introduction. Alternately, it can also be an anecdote or an intriguing question.
Linguistic accuracy: 5/20

Pr

Spelling
lling mistakes and grammatical errors abound in this essay. Apart from coherent presentation of
ideas, accuracy of language is essential in the GAMSAT essay. Ample practice in writing by hand will help
you get rid of this problem. Besides, try to increase your vocabulary by picking up new words and using
them conversationally whenever you get the chance. Keep some time aside for the checking you essay
after you are done writing it. You will find many errors that could be easily avoi
avoided by happened
because of the time crun
crunch.
cru
nch.
ch.
Reading up the essay after you have written it doesn’t only help you correct the technical errors, but you
can also see it from the point of view of an outsider. This way, you will understand whether your
arguments
argume
nts are solid and stable on crosscross
cross-analysis.
-analysis.
analysis. You will also get to see if the essay shaped up as you
had thought,
thought, with the arguments you wanted to present and the stance you wanted to state
state.

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the written permission of Prepgenie.com.au.

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