Cast of Characters

Avenue Q
The Musical

Music and Lyrics by
Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx
Book by
Jeff Whitty
Based on an original concept by
Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx
Original Broadway Cast
(in order of appearance)
Princeton/Rod............................................................John Tartaglia
Brian...........................................................................Jordan Gelber
Kate Monster, Lucy & others..........................Stephanie D'Abruzzo
Nicky, Trekkie Monster, Bear and others........................Rick Lyon
Christmas Eve................................................................Ann Harada
Gary Coleman..............................................Natalie Venetia Belcon
Mrs. T., Bear and others........................................Jennifer Barnhart
Ensemble.......................................................Barret Foa, Peter Linz

(In order of appearance)

PRINCETON – A fresh college graduate with a B.A. in English
BRIAN – An unemployed aspiring comedian
KATE MONSTER – A kindergarten teaching aid
ROD – A Republican investment banker and a closeted homosexual
NICKY – Rod's freeloading roommate
CHRISTMAS EVE – Brian's Japanese fiancee, an out-of-work therapist
GARY COLEMAN – A former child star, now the superintendent of Avenue Q
TREKKIE MONSTER – An internet porn addict
MRS. THISTLETWAT – Kate's employer, a “crabby old bitch”
THE BEARS – Two cute bears with Princeton's best interests at heart
LUCY T. SLUT – A sultry lounge performer who gets around

Setting

AVENUE Q is a fictional street in an outer borough of New York City. The time is
the present.

Suggested Doubling

AVENUE Q was originally written for a cast of nine, including two ensemble
members. Here are the originally doubled roles.
PRINCETON, ROD
KATE MONSTER, LUCY T. SLUT, OTHERS
NICKY, TREKKIE MONSTER, BEAR #1, OTHERS
MRS. THISTLETWAT, BEAR #2, OTHERS

ACT 1, SCENE 1 – Avenue Q

[PRINCETON exits. KATE MONSTER and BRIAN enter.]

COMPANY
DO DOOT DOO
BA DA BAH
DO DOOT DO
BA DA BAH
WA!

KATE MONSTER
Morning, Brian.

THE SUN IS SHINING, IT'S A LOVELY DAY,
A PERFECT MORNING FOR A KID TO PLAY,
BUT YOU'VE GOT LOTS OF BILLS TO PAY.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
YOU WORK REAL HARD AND THE PAY'S REAL LOW,
AND EV'RY HOUR GOES, OH, SO SLOW,
AND AT THE END OF THE DAY THERE'S NO WHERE TO GO,
BUT HOME TO AVENUE Q!
YOU LIVE ON AVENUE Q!
YOUR FRIENDS TO TOO!
YOU ARE TWENTY-TWO,
AND YOU LIVE ON AVENUE Q.
YOU LIVE ON AVENUE Q.
YOU LIVE ON AVENUE Q!
[PRINCETON enters, dressed in graduation gown and cap]
PRINCETON
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A B.A. IN ENGLISH?
WHAT IS MY LIFE GOING TO BE?
FOUR YEARS OF COLLEGE,
AND PLENTY OF KNOWLEDGE
HAVE EARNED ME THIS USELESS DEGREE.
I CAN'T PAY THE BILLS YET,
'CAUSE I HAVE NO SKILLS YET.
THE WORLD IS A BIG SCARY PLACE.
BUT SOMEHOW I CAN'T SHAKE
THE FEELING I MIGHT MAKE
A DIFF'RENCE TO THE HUMAN RACE!

BRIAN
Hi, Kate
KATE
How's life?
BRIAN
Disappointing.
KATE
What's the matter?
BRIAN
The catering company laid me off.
KATE
Oh, I'm sorry!
BRIAN
Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college, and I always thought KATE
What?
BRIAN
No, it sounds stupid.
KATE
Come on!
BRIAN
WHEN I WAS LITTLE I THOUGHT I WOULD BE...
KATE
What?

KATE
BRIAN
A BIG COMEDIAN ON LATE NIGHT T.V. [KATE laughs]
BUT NOW I'M THIRTY-TWO, AND AS YOU CAN SEE,
I'M NOT.
KATE
Nope!
BRIAN
OH WELL,
IT SUCKS TO BE ME.
KATE

Thanks!
I LIKE ROMANTIC THINGS LIKE MUSIC AND ART.
AND AS YOU KNOW I HAVE A GIGANTIC HEART,
SO WHY DON'T I HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
Fuck!
IT SUCKS TO BE ME!
BRIAN
Me too!
KATE
IT SUCKS TO BE ME!

Nooo.
BRIAN
IT SUCKS TO BE ME.
KATE
No!

BRIAN
IT SUCKS TO BE ME!
IT SUCKS TO BE BRIAN...
KATE
AND KATE!

BRIAN
IT SUCKS TO BE BROKE
AND UNEMPLOYED
AND TURNING THIRTY-THREE.
IT SUCKS TO BE ME.

BRIAN
TO NOT HAVE A JOB!

KATE
Oh, you think your life sucks?

BOTH
IT SUCKS TO BE ME.

BRIAN
I think so.

[ROD and NICKY enter from the center apartment]

KATE
Your problems aren't so bad.
I'M KINDA PRETTY, AND PRETTY DAMN SMART
BRIAN
You are.

KATE
TO NOT HAVE A DATE!

BRIAN
Hey, Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us? Do you have a second?
ROD
Ah, certainly.
KATE
Whose life sucks more? Brian's or mine?

Ours!

NICKY AND ROD

No!
IT SUCKS TO BE ME!

ROD
WE LIVE TOGETHER.

KATE
IT SUCKS TO BE ME!

NICKY
WE'RE AS CLOSE AS PEOPLE CAN GET.

BRIAN
IT SUCKS TO BE ME!

ROD
WE'VE BEEN THE BEST OF BUDDIES

ALL
IS THERE ANYBODY HERE IT DOESN'T SUCK TO BE?
IT SUCKS TO BE ME!

NICKY
EVER SINCE THE DAY WE MET.
ROD
SO HE KNOWS LOTS OF WAYS TO MAKE ME REALLY UPSET.
OH, EV'RY DAY IS AN AGGRAVATION.
NICKY
COME ON, THAT'S AN EXAGGERATION!
ROD
YOU LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES OUT, YOU PUT YOUR FEET ON MY CHAIR.
NICKY
Oh yeah?
YOU DO SUCH ANAL THINGS, LIKE IRONING YOUR UNDERWEAR.
ROD
YOU MAKE THAT VERY SMALL APARTMENT WE SHARE A HELL.
NICKY
SO DO YOU,
THAT'S WHY I'M IN HELL TOO!
ROD
IT SUCKS TO BE ME!
NICKY

[Everybody dances and sings “DA DA DA DA DA”. CHRISTMAS EVE yells, and
then everybody continues to dance and sing. CHRISTMAS EVE enters from the
right-most apartment]
CHRISTMAS EVE
Why you all so happy?
NICKY
Because our lives suck!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Your lives suck? I hearing you correctly? Ha!
I COMING TO THIS COUNTRY FOR OPPORTUNITIES.
TRIED TO WORK IN KOREAN DELI, BUT I AM JAPANESE.
BUT WITH HARD WORK I EARN TWO MASTER'S DEGREES
IN SOCIAL WORK!
AND NOW I A THERAPIST!
BUT I HAVE NO CLIENTS!
AND I HAVE AN UNEMPLOYED FIANCEE!
AND WE HAVE LOTS OF BILLS TO PAY.
IT SUCK TO BE ME!
IT SUCK TO BE ME!
I SAY IT
SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKASUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKASUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKASuck!

IT SUCK TO BE ME.
PRINCETON
Excuse me?
BRIAN
Hey there.
PRINCETON
Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a place to live.
CHRISTMAS EVE
Why you looking all the way out here?
PRINCETON
Well I started at Avenue A, but so far everything is out of my price range. But this
neighborhood looks a lot cheaper! Oh, look! a "For Rent" sign!
BRIAN
You need to talk to the superintendent. Let me get him.

BUT I'M HERE
The superintendent!
ON AVENUE Q!
ALL
IT SUCKS TO BE YOU!
KATE
You win!
ALL
IT SUCKS TO BE YOU!
BRIAN
I feel better now!
GARY
TRY HAVING PEOPLE STOPPING YOU TO ASK YOU:
"Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?" It gets old!

[GARY COLEMAN enters and strikes a pose.]

ALL
IT SUCKS TO BE YOU!
ON AVENUE Q! (SUCKS TO BE ME!)
ON AVENUE Q! (SUCKS TO BE YOU!)
ON AVENUE Q! (SUCKS TO BE US,)
BUT NOT WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER!
WE'RE TOGETHER
HERE ON AVENUE Q!
WE LIVE ON AVENUE Q!
OUR FRIENDS DO TOO!
'TIL OUR DREAMS COME TRUE,
WE LIVE ON AVENUE Q.

PRINCETON
Oh my God! It's Gary Coleman!

PRINCETON
This is real life!

GARY
Yes I am.

ALL
WE LIVE ON AVENUE Q!

PRINCETON
Great, thanks!
BRIAN
Yo, Gary!
GARY COLEMAN
I'm comin'! I'm comin'!

I'M GARY COLEMAN FROM TV'S DIFF'RENT STROKES
I MADE A LOTTA MONEY THAT GOT STOLEN BY MY FOLKS!
NOW I'M BROKE AND I'M THE BUTT OF EVERYONE'S JOKES,

NICKY

You're gonna love it.
ALL
WE LIVE ON AVENUE Q!

[A window opens, revealing TREKKIE MONSTER. He throws a bag of garbage
into the street with a grunt]
GARY

GARY
Here's your keys!
ALL
Welcome to Avenue Q!
[ROD and NICKY exit.]
BRIAN
So, what's your name?
PRINCETON
Oh, I'm Princeton.
BRIAN
Hey, buddy! I'm Brian, this is my fiancé.
C.E.
My name Christmas Eve! You so cute, very handsome. You single?

Trekkie!
BRIAN
Morning, Trekkie!
TREKKIE
Me no time to talk. Me busy. [Shuts window]
BRIAN
And that's Trekkie Monster.
C.E.
He a pervert. You no spending time with him.
GARY
Come on inside, kid. I'll show you the place.
PRINCETON
Oh, great!

PRINCETON
Yeah.
C.E.
Because she's single!
KATE
Oh, Christmas Eve!
BRIAN
That's Kate! She lives in our building!

GARY
You know, not many distinguished people have expressed interest in this fine
place?
PRINCETON
No kidding!
GARY
No lie!
[GARY and PRINCETON enter the left-most apartment]

PRINCETON

C.E.
So what you think, Kate? He cute, right?

KATE

Yeah.

Hi!

KATE
Hi!

C.E.
You go get him. A man respond to an aggressive woman.
[to Brian] You! Go get job!

ACT 1, SCENE 2 – Rod and Nicky's Apartment
[ROD enters with an open book in his hands]

BRIAN
I'll get right on it!

ROD
Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "Broadway Musicals of the
1940s." No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?

[BRIAN runs off]

[NICKY enters.]

C.E.
See?!

NICKY
Oh, hi Rod!
ROD
Hi Nicky.
NICKY
Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning.
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me
ROD
That's very interesting.
NICKY
He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me. I think he
might've thought I was gay!
ROD
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What
did you have for lunch today?
NICKY
You don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod...
ROD
I'm NOT getting defensive!What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm
trying to read.
NICKY
I didn't mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it's something we should be able to
talk about.

ROD
I don't want to talk about it, Nicky! This conversation is over!!!
NICKY
Yeah, but...
ROD
OVER!!!
NICKY
Well, okay, but just so you know...
IF YOU WERE GAY
THAT'D BE OKAY.
I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,
I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.
BECAUSE YOU SEE,
IF IT WERE ME,
I WOULD FEEL FREE TO SAY
THAT I WAS GAY
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)
ROD
Nicky, please! I am trying to read....
[pause] What?!

ROD
Nicky!
NICKY
BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR TO ME,
ROD
Argh!
NICKY
AND I KNOW THAT YOU
ROD
What?
NICKY
WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,
ROD
I would?

NICKY
IF YOU WERE QUEER

NICKY
IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,
"HEY! GUESS WHAT, I'M GAY!"
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)
I'M HAPPY JUST BEING WITH YOU.

ROD
Ah, Nicky!

ROD
High Button Shoes, Pal Joey...

NICKY
I'D STILL BE HERE,

NICKY
SO WHAT SHOULD IT MATTER TO ME
WHAT YOU DO IN BED WITH GUYS?

ROD
Nicky, I'm trying to read this book.
NICKY
YEAR AFTER YEAR

ROD
Nicky, that is GROSS!
NICKY
No it's not!
IF YOU WERE GAY

I'D SHOUT “HOORAY!”
ROD
I am not listening!
NICKY
AND HERE I'D STAY,
ROD
La la la la la!
NICKY
BUT I WOULDN'T GET IN YOUR WAY.
ROD

ACT 1, SCENE 3 – Avenue Q, outside Princeton's apartment
[GARY sets down some moving boxes on the stoop by Princeton's apartment as
PRINCETON enters from the apartment]
PRINCETON
Hey Gary, thanks for helping me move in!
GARY
No sweat, it's nothing. Hey, you got your first day of mail.
PRINCETON
Aw, thanks!
GARY
So what's in all these boxes? Anything good?

Aaaah!
NICKY
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME
TO ALWAYS BE
BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,
TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,
YOU WERE JUST BORN THAT WAY,
AND, AS THEY SAY,
IT'S IN YOUR DNA,
YOU'RE GAY!
ROD
BUT I'M NOT GAY!
NICKY
If you were gay.

PRINCETON
My parents sent my stuff from home.
GARY
How nice! And you also got your rent bill, your utility bill, your student loan bill,
your credit card bill, your phone bill, your cell phone bill...
PRINCETON
Oh my god.
GARY
You got any money?
PRINCETON
Well I start work tomorrow...
[a phone rings. GARY picks it up]

ROD
Argh!

GARY
Gaaary Coleman!
[to PRINCETON] It's for you.
PRINCETON
Oh, thank you!
[GARY hands PRINCETON the phone] Hello? Oh, hi!
[to GARY] It's my job. [to phone] Oh, I can't wait to meet all of you tomorrow!

Oh, I'm sorry, I can barely hear you. What's that sound in the background? A paper
shredder?! But the company can't be folding! Well how am I supposed to live? ...
Hello?
GARY
Aw, kid. Don't look so long in the face! You know what they say: if you rearrange
the letters of “unemployed” it spells “opportunity”!
PRINCETON
What?
GARY
Here's a bit of advice. Never underestimate the power of long-range planning. If
life's gets you down, don't sit on your ass and let it pass you by. Take it from
someone who learned it the hard way: Gary Coleman.
[GARY exits into apartment].
PRINCETON
Maybe this IS an opportunity. Maybe I'm not meant to work in some dumb office
for the rest of my life. Maybe... maybe I have a higher purpose!
VOICE (on video)
What's a purpose? A purpose is direction to your life. It could be a job, a family; it
could be pursuit of knowledge, or wealth. Everybody's purpose is different. The
best thing about purpose is that it gives your life meaning.
PRINCETON
I want a purpose!
PRINCETON
PURPOSE,
IT'S THAT LITTLE FLAME
THAT LIGHTS A FIRE UNDER YOUR ASS.
PURPOSE,
IT KEEPS YOU GOING STRONG
LIKE A CAR WITH A FULL TANK OF GAS.
EVERYONE ELSE HAS A PURPOSE
SO WHAT'S MINE?
Oh, look! Here's a penny!

It's from the year I was born!
IT'S A SIGN!
BA-BA-BA-BA
DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO
I DON'T KNOW HOW I KNOW,
BUT I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GONNA LOOK,
BUT I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE.
GOTTA FIND OUT, DON'T WANNA WAIT!
GOT TO MAKE SURE THAT MY LIFE WILL BE GREAT!
GOTTA FIND MY PURPOSE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
MOVING BOXES AND OTHERS
HE'S GONNA FIND HIS PURPOSE
PRINCETON
WOAH, I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE
MOVING BOXES AND OTHERS
HE'S GONNA FIND HIS PURPOSE
PRINCETON (Simultaneous)
YEAH-AH-AH,
I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE
COULD BE FAR, COULD BE NEAR
COULD TAKE A WEEK, A MONTH, A YEAR
AT A JOB, OR SMOKING GRASS
MAYBE AT A POTTERY CLASS!
COULD IT BE?
YES IT COULD!
SOMETHING'S COMING
SOMETHING GOOD
I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE, YEAH!
WHOA, OOH WHOA,
I'M GONNA FIND IT!
WHAT WILL IT BE?
WHERE WILL IT BE?

MY PURPOSE IN LIFE IS A MYSTERY
GOTTA FIND MY PURPOSE
GOTTA FIND ME!
WHOA, OOH WHOA
I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE
PURPOSE! PURPOSE! PURPOSE!
YEAH, YEAH!
I GOTTA FIND ME!
MOVING BOXES AND OTHERS (Simultaneous)
MAYBE MORE...
AT A JOB, OR SMOKING GRASS
POTTERY CLASS
WOULD BE COOL...
YES IT COULD!
SOMETHING GOOD
WOAH, OH, OH
YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE
GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE!
GOTTA FIND, GOTTA FIND, GOTTA FIND IT!
YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE. WHOA
GOTTA FIND, GOTTA FIND IT
YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE! WHOA
GOTTA FIND, GOTTA FIND

PRINCETON
Hey, Kate!
KATE
Princeton! Hi!
PRINCETON
Say, Kate, can I ask you a question?
KATE
Sure.
PRINCETON
What's your purpose in life?
KATE
Oh. Well, I'm a Kindergarten teaching assistant.
PRINCETON
Right. But what's your purpose, your dream, your mission?
KATE
Nobody ever wants to know that.
PRINCETON
I do.

C.E.
[Sticks head out of window]
My purpose in life is to help people find themselves.
BRIAN
[Sticks head out of window]
My purpose in life is to make people laugh... and make money doing it!
GARY
[Sticks head out of window]
My greatest fear is that I've already achieved my damn purpose in life, and from
then on I've been on a slow, tiresome walk to the grave.
[KATE enters.]

KATE
Well, since you asked... no, I can't! I barely know you.
PRINCETON
Aw, come on!
KATE
Okay. When I was a little monster, I always wished I had a special place I could go.
A special school only for monsters. Sure it's important to learn about the great
figures of Western civilization, but so much of the canon leaves out monster art and
history! And we as a nation are poorer for it. It was always my dream to start that
special school for monsters. So that, in short, is my purpose. Uh, but I'm not an
egghead. I like to have fun and “party”.

PRINCETON
Oh. So, uh, you're level on the monster stuff?
KATE

I should say so. You should be much more careful when you're talking about the
sensitive subject of race.
PRINCETON
Well look who's talking!

Uh-huh.
PRINCETON
Ah. Well, you know Trekkie Monster upstairs?
KATE

KATE
What do you mean?
PRINCETON
What about that special Monster School you told me about?

Uh huh.
Princeton
Well, he's Trekkie Monster, and you're Kate Monster
KATE

KATE
What about it?
PRINCETON
Could someone like me go there?

Right.
PRINCETON
You're both monsters.

KATE
No, we don't want people like you. [gasps]

Yeah.

PRINCETON
You see?!
YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT RACIST.

PRINCETON
Are you two related?

KATE
WELL, YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT TOO.

KATE
What?! Princeton, I'm surprised at you! I find that racist!

PRINCETON
I GUESS WE'RE BOTH A LITTLE BIT RACIST.

PRINCETON
I'm sorry! I was just asking!

KATE
ADMITTING IT IS NOT AN EASY THING TO DO...

KATE
Well it's a touchy subject. No, not all Monsters are related. What are you trying
say, huh? That we all look the same to you? Huh, huh, huh?

PRINCETON
BUT I GUESS IT'S TRUE.

KATE

PRINCETON
No, no, no, not at all! I'm sorry, I guess that was a little racist.
KATE

KATE
BETWEEN ME AND YOU, I THINK
BOTH
EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST SOMETIMES.

DOESN'T MEAN WE GO AROUND COMMITTING HATE CRIMES.
LOOK AROUND AND YOU WILL FIND
NO ONE'S REALLY COLOR BLIND.
MAYBE IT'S A FACT WE ALL SHOULD FACE
EVERYONE MAKES JUDGMENTS BASED ON RACE.
PRINCETON
Now not big judgments, like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from.
KATE
No!
PRINCETON
No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican busboys should learn to speak
goddamn English!
KATE
Right!
BOTH
EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST TODAY.
SO, EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST, OKAY!
ETHINIC JOKES MIGHT BE UNCOUTH,
BUT YOU LAUGH BECAUSE THEY'RE BASED ON TRUTH.
DON'T TAKE THEM AS PERSONAL ATTACKS.
EVERYONE ENJOYS THEM - SO RELAX!
PRINCETON
All right, stop me if you've heard this one.
KATE
Okay!
PRINCETON
This plane is going down and there's only one parachute, and there's a rabbi, a
priest
KATE
And a BLACK guy!
GARY
[Entering] Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Kate?

KATE
Uh...
GARY
You were telling a black joke!
PRINCETON
Well, sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes...
GARY
I don't.
PRINCETON
Well, of course you don't - you're black! But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?
GARY
Well, sure I do. Haha. Those stupid Polacks!
PRINCETON
Now, don't you think that's a little racist?
GARY
Well, damn, I guess you're right.
KATE
YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT RACIST.
GARY
WELL, YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT TOO.
PRINCETON
WE'RE ALL A LITTLE BIT RACIST.
GARY
I THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU.
PRINCETON/KATE
WE'RE GLAD YOU DO.

GARY
IT'S SAD BUT TRUE!
EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST All right!

No, Jesus was white!

KATE
All right!

PRINCETON
Guys, guys... Jesus was Jewish! [Everybody laughs]

PRINCETON
All right!

[BRIAN enters]

GARY
All right!
BIGOTRY HAS NEVER BEEN EXCLUSIVELY WHITE

GARY
I'm pretty sure that Jesus was black!

BRIAN
Hey, what are you guys laughing about?
GARY
Racism!

ALL
IF WE ALL COULD JUST ADMIT
THAT WE ARE RACIST A LITTLE BIT,
EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNOW THAT IT'S WRONG,
MAYBE IT WOULD HELP US GET ALONG.

Cool.

PRINCETON
Christ do I feel good!

C.E.
BLIAN! You come backee here! You take out lecycuraburs!

GARY
Now there was a fine upstanding black man.

PRINCETON
What's that mean?

PRINCETON
Who?
GARY
Jesus Christ.
KATE
But, Gary, Jesus was white.
GARY
No, Jesus was black.

BRIAN
[C.E. enters]

BRIAN
Ugh. recyclables. [Everybody laughs] Hey, don't laugh at her! How many
languages do you speak?
KATE
Oh, come off it, Brian!
EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST.
BRIAN
I'm not!
PRINCETON
Oh no?

KATE

BRIAN
Nope!
HOW MANY ORIENTAL WIVES HAVE YOU GOT?
C.E.
What? Blian!
PRINCETON
BRIAN, BUDDY, WHERE YOU BEEN?
THE TERM IS ASIAN-AMERICAN!
C.E.
I KNOW YOU ARE NO INTENDING TO BE
BUT CORRING ME “OLIENTER” OFFENSIVE TO ME!
BRIAN
I'm sorry, honey, I love you.
C.E.
And I love you.
BRIAN
But you're racist, too.
C.E.
Yes, I know.
THE JEWS HAVE ALL THE MONEY
AND THE WHITES HAVE ALL THE POWER.
AND I'M ALWAYS IN TAXI-CAB
WITH DLIVER WHO NO SHOWER!

ALL
EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST, IT'S TRUE.
BUT EVERYONE IS JUST ABOUT AS RACIST AS YOU!
IF WE ALL COULD JUST ADMIT
THAT WE ARE RACIST A LITTLE BIT,
AND EVERYONE STOPPED BEING SO PC
MAYBE WE COULD LIVE IN HARMONY!
C.E.
Ev'lyone's a ritter bit lacist!
[All exit except PRINCETON]
PRINCETON
Today I feel like I'm getting closer to my purpose!
CHORUS OF KIDS (ON VIDEO)
School crossing guard!
PRINCETON
No, that's not me.
KIDS
Beauty salon technician!
PRINCETON
Not quite it.
KIDS
Birthday party clown!

PRINCETON

PRINCETON
Closer – but still no. Wait a minute! It's right here in the corner of my mind. My
purpose. It's... it's...

KATE

[THE BEARS enter]

Me too!

Me too!
GARY
I can't even GET a taxi!

THE BEARS
Hey Princeton!

It's us!

BEAR #2

BEAR #1
Oh. Okay

PRINCETON
Who are you?

BEAR #2
That makes me sad, thinking about you not having any fun.

THE BEARS
The Bad Idea Bears!

BEAR #1
I'm gonna cry!

BEAR #2
We're your friends!

BEAR #2
Gosh, I'm sad! Some days I wish I was dead.
[THE BEARS cry noisily]

BEAR #1
Where you going?

PRINCETON
Hey, you know, maybe I could afford a six-pack.

PRINCETON
Oh, well, I'm almost broke, so I'm going to go look for a job 'till I find my purpose.

THE BEARS
YAY!!

BEAR #1
Oh.
BEAR #2
Did you check the messages on your phone?
PRINCETON
Well, yeah.
BEAR #2
Then you've got plenty of money!
BEAR #1
You should celebrate!
BEAR #2
You need to do something for YOU. Buy some beer!
BEAR #1
Yeah! Buy some beer.

BEAR #2
Why not a case?
BEAR #1
Yeah, a case of beer!
PRINCETON
No, I can't get a case!
BEAR #2
But you're on a budget.
BEAR #1
You're wasting money in the long run if you don't buy in bulk.
PRINCETON
Woah, you're right! Thanks guys, I'll get a case.
THE BEARS
YAY!! See you around, Princeton!

PRINCETON
Well... well, gee. I shouldn't be spending my parents' money on beer.

[The THE BEARS start to leave, giggling]

PRINCETON
See you around, guys! [THE BEARS exit] Gosh, they're awfully cute. It's good to
know I'm making friends who have my best interests at heart!

ACT 1, SCENE 3 – Avenue Q
[A phone rings. Lights come up to reveal KATE MONSTER]
KATE
Hello?
MRS. THISTLETWAT
Hello, Katherine. This is your employer calling.
KATE
Hi Mrs. Thistletwat!
THISTLETWAT
As you may know, I have an appointment for heart replacement surgery next week
and I need you to teach my class in the morning. I will probably need until our
lunch break to recover.
KATE
I get to teach all by myself?
THISTLETWAT
I trust you, Katherine. And you may choose the subject.
KATE
Wow! Thanks, Lavinia!
THISTLETWAT
Katherine, when you call me by my first name the children don't respect it.
KATE
Sorry Mrs. Thistletwat.
THISTLETWAT
Thank you.
KATE
Finally! I get to teach an entire lesson by myself. And I'm going to teach something
relevant, something modern... the Internet!
THE INTERNET IS REALLY REALLY GREAT.

TREKKIE
[TREKKIE sticks his head out of a window] FOR PORN!

WHY YOU THINK THE NET WAS BORN?
PORN! PORN! PORN!

KATE
I GOT A FAST CONNECTION, SO I DON'T HAVE TO WAIT.

KATE
Trekkie Monster, get down here!

TREKKIE
FOR PORN!

TREKKIE
Hello Kate Monsterrrr!

KATE
THERE'S ALWAYS SOME NEW SITE.

KATE
You are ruining my song.

TREKKIE
FOR PORN!

TREKKIE
Oh, me sorry. Me no mean to.

KATE
I BROWSE ALL DAY AND NIGHT.

KATE
Well if you wouldn't mind please being quiet for a minute so I could finish?

TREKKIE
FOR PORN!

TREKKIE
Okey-dokey!

KATE
IT'S LIKE I'M SURFING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT.

KATE
Good!
I'M GLAD WE HAVE THIS NEW TECHNOLOGY.

TREKKIE
FOR PORN!

TREKKIE
FOR PORN.

KATE
Trekkie!

KATE
WHICH GIVES US UNTOLD OPPORTUNITY.

TREKKIE
THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN.
KATE

TREKKIE
FOR PORN.
Oh, sorry!

Trekkie!
TREKKIE
THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN

KATE
RIGHT FROM YOUR OWN DESKTOP
TREKKIE

KATE
What are you doing?!
TREKKIE

FOR...
KATE
YOU CAN RESEARCH, BROWSE, AND SHOP.

UNTIL YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH AND YOU'RE READY TO STOP!
[BRIAN, GARY, ROD, and PRINCETON stick their heads out of windows]
TREKKIE
FOR PORN!

BRIAN
Ready!

KATE
Trekkie!

GARY
Ready!

TREKKIE
THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN.

ROD
Ready!

KATE
Noooo.

TREKKIE
Let me hear it!

TREKKIE
THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN

GUYS
THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN.

KATE
Trekkie!

PRINCETON
Sorry, Kate.

TREKKIE
ME UP ALL NIGHT HONKING ME HORN TO
PORN, PORN, PORN!

GUYS
THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN.

KATE
That's gross! You are a pervert!

PRINCETON
I masturbate!

TREKKIE
Ahh, sticks and stones, Kate Monster.

TREKKIE
ALL THESE GUYS UNZIP THEIR FLIES FOR

KATE
No, really. You're a pervert. Normal people don't sit home all day and look at porn
in the Internet.

GUYS
PORN! PORN! PORN!

TREKKIE
Ohhhhh...

KATE
The Internet is NOT for porn!

KATE
What?
TREKKIE
You have noooo idea.
[calling offstage] Ready, normal people?

GUYS
PORN! PORN!

KATE
Hold on a second! Now, I happen to know for a fact that you, Rod, check your
portfolio and trade stocks online.
ROD
That's correct.
KATE
And Brian, you buy things on Amazon.com!
BRIAN

KATE
I hate porn.
TREKKIE
GRAB YOUR DICK AND DOUBLE CLICK FOR
GUYS
PORN! PORN! PORN!
KATE
I hate men!

Sure.
KATE
And Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay!
GARY

GUYS
POOORN! POOORN! POOORN!
KATE
I'm leaving!

Yes I do.
KATE
And Princeton, you sent me that sweet online birthday card.
PRINCETON

GUYS
POOORN! POOORN! POOORN!
KATE
I hate the Internet.

True.
TREKKIE
But Kate... what you think he do AFTER?
[PRINCETON nods]
KATE
Ewwwwww!!
GUYS
THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN.
KATE
Gross!
GUYS
THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN.

TREKKIE
[Chanting] The internet is for
TREKKIE, ROD, and PRINCETON
Internet is for
GUYS
Internet is for PORN!

ACT 1, SCENE 4 – Avenue Q, outside Brian & Christmas Eve's apartment
C.E.
Hey, Rod! How it hanging?

appointment? Maybe I too efficient. Maybe I should spread my helping out. Why
Rod? Do you need some helping?
ROD
Well, I have this friend.

ROD
Hello, Christmas Eve! I got your wedding invitation.

C.E.
Nicky?

C.E.
Are you coming?
ROD
Well, here's my RSVP.
BRIAN
[Sticks his head out of a window]
Hey, honey, what's all this about us getting married?
C.E.
Think of it like a surprise party.
BRIAN
Cool! [Closes window.]
ROD
Aw, I think it's wonderful you have someone so special in your life.
C.E.
Are you okay, Rod?
ROD
Christmas Eve, you're a therapist, right?
C.E.
I have two master's degrees.

ROD
No, no, another friend. And I think he has a very big problem. I, uh, think my
friend is... he is... gay.
C.E.
What wrong with that? You know, Rod, gay people make major contribution to art
and philosophy and literature for many hundreds of years now.
ROD
But my friend isn't an artist. He's a Republican. And an investment banker.
C.E.
Oh. Well tell him to stay in closet then. He good for nothing.
ROD
Okay, fine. Thanks for the advice.
C.E.
[Laughing] Yeah, I wouldn't want a friend like that!
ROD
[Laughing as well] Noooo. Thanks again! Bye!
C.E.
Bye now!
[CHRISTMAS EVE exits.]

ROD
So you help people who have all kinds of problems?

ROD
Shit!

C.E.
Nobody want to come to me for helping. I meet with people, we talkee for an hour,
then they go away and never come back. I wonder why? Am I fixing them in one

ACT 1, SCENE 5 – Kate's apartment
KATE
Princeton.
HE LIKES ME.
I THINK HE LIKES ME.
BUT DOES HE LIKE ME - LIKE ME,
LIKE I LIKE HIM?
WILL WE BE FRIENDS, OR SOMETHING MORE?
I THINK HE'S INT'RESTED, BUT I'M NOT SURE.
[Doorbell]
Come in!
[PRINCETON enters.]
PRINCETON
Hiya, Kate!
KATE
Princeton! Hi!
PRINCETON
Hi! Listen, I was going through my CDs yesterday, and I kept coming across songs
I thought you'd like, so I made you this tape. [hands KATE a tape]
KATE
Aw, that's so sweet! Can I get you a drink, or a snack, or...?
PRINCETON
Actually, do you mind if I use your bathroom?
KATE
Oh, sure. Go right ahead. [PRINCETON exits.]
PRINCETON
Thanks.
A MIX TAPE.
HE MADE A MIX TAPE.
HE WAS THINKING OF ME, WHICH SHOWS HE CARES

SOMETIME WHEN SOMEONE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU
THEY'LL MAKE YOU A MIX TAPETO GIVE YOU A CLUE
“YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND,”
“THE THEME FROM FRIENDS,”
“THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR.”
Shit. Oh, but look!
“A WHOLE NEW WORLD,”
“KISS THE GIRL,”
“MA CHERIE AMOUR!”
Awww, Princeton... he does like me!
“I AM THE WALRUS,”
“FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS,”
“YELLOW SUMBARINE?”
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
PRINCETON
[Entering] Kate, you might not wanna go in there for awhile.
KATE
Okay. Princeton, thank you for this tape. I was just looking at side A. Great songs!
PRINCETON
Did you get to side B yet?
KATE
Not yet.
PRINCETON
Oh, it's great. Check it out.
KATE
“STUCK ON YOU,”
PRINCETON
“LOVE ME DO,”
KATE
“MY HEART WILL GO ON.”
I loved Titanic!

PRINCETON
It was alright.

Yes?

PRINCETON
“SHE'S GOT A WAY,”

PRINCETON
What are you doing tonight?

KATE
“YESTERDAY,”

KATE
Grading term papers... but it's kindergarten so they're very short. Why?

PRINCETON
“GOODNIGHT SAIGON”
From the Russia concert!

PRINCETON
Everyone's going to hear this singer at the Around the Clock Cafe. Do you want to
go with me?

KATE
Great.
“THROUGH THE YEARS,”

KATE
Like, a date?

PRINCETON
“THE THEME FROM CHEERS,”
KATE
“MOVING RIGHT ALONG.”
Nice tape.

KATE

PRINCETON
Sure, a date. It'll be a blast.
KATE
I'd love to come.
PRINCETON
Okay. Well, uh, I'll see you then.

PRINCETON
There's one more...
“I HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU IN A SONG.”

Okay.

KATE
Princeton, that's so sweet! I've never gotten such a nice present from a guy.

Bye!

PRINCETON
Awww. I'm glad you like it. But I've got to run now. I'm going to make one for
Brian and Christmas Eve, and Gary, and Nicky and Rod, and Trekkie Monster, and
everyone!

KATE
Bye!
[PRINCETON exits.]
He likes me!

KATE
Oh.
PRINCETON
And um...

KATE
PRINCETON

ACT 1, SCENE 6 – The Around the Clock Cafe.

KATE
You!

BRIAN
I AM NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR TODAY!
NO, I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR TODAY!
NOT THAT YOU PROB'LY CARE
MUCH ABOUT MY UNDERWEAR,
STILL, NONETHELESS I GOTTA SAY,
THAT I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR TODAY!

BRIAN
So. Here's the woman you all came to see. The Around the Clock is proud to
present, fresh from her world tour headlining in Amsterdam, Bangkok, and
Celebration, Florida, please give a warm hand to the star of Girls Gone Wild Parts
2, 5, and 7, Lucy the Slut!
[LUCY enters]

C.E.
Get a job!
BRIAN
Thank you... honey. But don't move a muscle, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right
back with our headline performer!
GARY
So, Trekkie, you never leave your apartment. What made you drag your furry ass
out here?

LUCY
I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL WHEN IT SUCKS TO BE YOU
LET ME MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL FOR AN HOUR OR TWO
YOUR LIFE'S A ROUTINE THAT REPEATS EACH DAY
NO ONE CARES WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU SAY
AND SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOBODY
BUT YOU CAN FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY
WITH ME
BRIAN

TREKKIE
Oh, me see pictures of next singer on Internet. Ho ho ho!

Wow.
[All the guys cheer and catcall as LUCY sultrily walks around the cafe]

[PRINCETON and KATE enter]
PRINCETON
Oh, there's an empty table.
KATE
Lets grab it.
PRINCETON
Ladies first.
KATE
Aw, you're such a gentleman Princeton.
PRINCETON
Well, you too. I mean, you look a knockout tonight.

LUCY
Yeah, they're real.
WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER THE EARTH WILL SHAKE
AND THE STARS WILL FALL INTO THE SEA.
SO COME ON BABY, LET DOWN YOUR GUARD
WHEN YOUR DATE'S IN THE BATHROOM, I'LL SLIP YOU MY CARD
I CAN TELL JUST BY LOOKING THAT YOU'VE GOT IT HARD
FOR ME. FOR ME!
FOR ME! FOR ME! FOR ME! FOR ME!
I CAN TELL JUST BY LOOKING
THAT YOU ARE ESPECIALLY HARD FOR ME!
LUCY
Thank you. Thank you gentlemen and obstacles to those gentlemen. Have a few
drinks and I sure do hope you enjoyed my set.
[All applaud as LUCY exits]

BRIAN
[Heads TREKKIE off as he tries to follow LUCY]
No, Trekkie!
TREKKIE
Oh, but Brian!
BRIAN

BEAR #1
Eat some.
KATE
No thank you.
BEAR #1
Oh, just a little ittle sip.

No!
TREKKIE
Oh. Me have to hurry home. NOW!
[TREKKIE exits]
PRINCETON
Wow. That Lucy's something, isn't she?
KATE
She's something.
PRINCETON
Kate, could I get you a drink?

KATE
I really shouldn't.
BEAR #1
But it's only a Long Island ice tea.
BEAR #2
They're so sweet and delicious.
THE BEARS
Pleeeeaaase!
KATE
Well, one sip can't hurt. Cheers, Princeton!

KATE
I'll get a water. I got to be chipper to teach tomorrow. It's a big day. The teacher I'm
assisting is going into the hospital tomorrow morning so I have the entire class to
myself. And if I do well it could mean a big career boost!

PRINCETON
Cheers. Here's to you, Kate Monster.

[The THE BEARS enter]

Yay!

THE BEARS
Hey guys!

KATE
That's delicious!

BEAR #1
We brought you some Long Island ice teas!

BEAR #1
Why don't you play a drinking game?That's the recipe for fun.

KATE
Oh, you're so adorable! Who are you?

KATE
I don't know any drinking games. Do you, Princeton?
BEAR #2
Oh, I know one! It's called “I Bet I Can Drink Faster Than You Can.”

THE BEARS

BEAR #2
We're your friends. Have a drink!

THE BEARS
1-2-3-Go! [PRINCETON and KATE drink their Long Island ice teas quickly]
Yay! It was a tie. Rematch!
KATE
Gosh, that's nummy.
THE BEARS
Another round!

PRINCETON
Hi, I'm Princeton.
LUCY
Lucy. Man, I'm beat. I still haven't figured out where I'm gonna crash tonight.
BEAR #1
See her boobs!
BEAR #2

KATE
I'll get the next one, Princeton.
PRINCETON

Shhh!
LUCY
All I need is a warm mattress, you know?

Great!
KATE
I'll be back in a second.
BEAR #2
This time, Kate, lets get larges.
KATE
Ooooo-kaay.
BEAR #1
Hey, Princeton! How's the date going, huh?
PRINCETON
Pretty well, I think.
BEAR #1
Well you just hang in there, little man. You're gonna get some tonight if you keep
working at it. Just keep your eye on the prize.
Ooh, wow! Look who's coming!

PRINCETON
Well, mine's pretty cold, usually.
LUCY
It wouldn't be cold for long. Where's your pad?
KATE
[Rushing over hastily] The drinks will be right over, Princeton. Why, hello.
LUCY
I'll have a scotch on the rocks.
KATE
I'm not a waitress.
PRINCETON
Lucy, I'd like you to meet Kate Monster.
LUCY
Aww, you're dating a monster. I dated a monster once, but I got sick of picking the
fur out of my teeth.

[LUCY enters]
LUCY
What's up?

KATE
Well if your teeth are the problem I could take out a couple...

PRINCETON
Okay, Lucy, it was nice talking to you.
LUCY
Have fun with your monster. But when you're ready for a real woman, you know
where to find me. [LUCY exits]
PRINCETON
Man Kate, I'm sorry.
KATE
No, I understand. You're irresistible is all.
PRINCETON
She just knows she can't compare to you.
KATE
I think you're wonderful, Princeton.
PRINCETON
You're not bad yourself, Kate.
BEAR #1
Take her home!
BEAR #2
She's wasted!
PRINCETON
Hey, cut that out!
[KATE is acting very drunk] Kate?
KATE
Hmmm?
PRINCETON
I, uh, I think you look really beautiful tonight.
KATE
Oh, Princeton. You look so handsome I could eat you alive.
[PRINCETON and KATE embrace very energetically and noisily]

THE BEARS
More drinks! More fun! Yay!

ACT 1, SCENE 7 – The various bedrooms of Avenue Q
[Various moans and cries can be heard from PRINCETON and KATE, who are
very animated in bed]

PRINCETON AND KATE
Ahhgh!
[A phone rings]

KATE
Oh my god, Princeton! Right there, that's the spot. That's the spot! Okay, okay, a
little lower.

GARY
Gaaary Coleman! You hear what? Hell no, I won't tell them to quiet down!

PRINCETON
A little lower.

KATE
Are we being to loud?

KATE
Okay, now to the left.

PRINCETON
Yeah, are we bothering someone?

PRINCETON
To the left, okay.

GARY
Oh, no, not at all kids. You keep doing what you doing.

KATE
No, my left.

Louder!

PRINCETON
Oh, your left. Okay. Oh my god, Kate, oh my god, no one's ever touched me like
this before. You can't put your finger there... put your finger there!
GARY
[Backed up by THE BEARS]
YOU CAN BE AS LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT
WHEN YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE
(WHEN YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE)
Yeah!
YOU CAN BE AS LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT
WHEN YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE
(WHEN YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE)
Yeah!
YOU CAN BE AS LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT
WHEN YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE
(WHEN YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE)
GARY AND THE BEARS
YOU CAN BE AS LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WAN-TUH!

THE BEARS
GARY
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE LOUD AT THE LIB'ARY
AT TH ART MUSEUM OR AT A PLAY-YAY,
(AT A PLAY!)
BUT WHEN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE DOIN' THE NASTY,
(DOIN' THE NASTY)
DON'T BEHAVE LIKE YOU'RE AT THE BALLET
PRINCETON, KATE, AND THE BEARS
LOUD! LOUD! LOUD!
GARY
YOU CAN BE AS LOUD AS LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT
WHEN YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE
(MAKIN' SWEET, SWEET LOVE!)
YOU CAN BE AS LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT
WHEN YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE
(LOUD AS THE HELL, LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT)
DON'T LET THE NEIGHBORS STOP YOU FROM HAVIN' FUN
THEY'LL HAVE PEACE AND QUIET WHEN YOU'RE GOOD AND DONE!

GARY, THE BEARS, KATE, PRINCETON
BE AS LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT

GARY
What?

GARY, THE BEARS, KATE, PRINCETON, BRIAN, C.E.
WHEN YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE!
Uh huh huh huh!
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT
KATE
Faster, Princeton
C.E.
Blian, slow down! This not a race!
ALL
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT
PRINCETON
Oh YEAH!

C.E.
Yes! Work your mama!
ALL
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU
KATE
Oh yeah, that's it!
BRIAN
Ooh babe!
PRINCETON
Holy cow!
TREKKIE

BRIAN
Who's your Daddy!
C.E.
What? Blian!
ALL
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT,
GARY
YEAH!
ALL
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT
GARY
Smack it and lick it and rub it and suck it!
ALL
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT,

Aah!
ALL
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU
(YOU GOTTA BE LOUD)
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU
(YOU GOTTA BE LOUD)
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU
(YOU GOTTA)
GARY
Now that's what I'm talkin' about!
ALL
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU
LOUD AS THE HELL YOU (LOUD) WANT!

ACT 1, SCENE 8 – Rod and Nicky's apartment, Kate's apartment

NICKY
I love you Rod.

MAN (ON VIDEO)
Com

ROD
What did you say?

WOMAN (ON VIDEO)
Mitment.

NICKY
I love your little laugh.

MAN
Com

ROD
Nicky? Are you awake?

WOMAN
Mitment.

NICKY
Take off your shirt.

MAN
Com
WOMAN
Mitment.
MAN

ROD
Oh, Nicholas, have you been shy all this time? Have we been hiding from each
other? I wonder.
ALL THOSE NIGHTS I LAY IN BED
THOUGHTS OF YOU RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD

Com
WOMAN
Mitment. Commitment.
[Lights come up on ROD and NICKY, who are in separate beds]
ROD
It sure can get lonely at night. Nicky! You awake?
NICKY
Uh, is that a unicorn?
ROD
He's talking in his sleep again.
NICKY
No, I'll wear the purple shoes... who painted the kitten?
ROD
Maybe I should just shake him.

NICKY
I know, put my earmuffs on the cookie.
ROD
BUT I NEVER THOUGHT THE THINGS IN MY HEAD
COULD REALLY HAPPEN IN MY BED.
NICKY
You look like David Hasselhoff.
ROD
ALL THOSE YEARS I MISSED THE SIGNS
COULDN'T READ BETWEEN THE LINES
WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THE DAY
WHERE I'D HEAR YOU SAY WHAT I HEARD YOU SAY
AND NOW, I FIND
WHAT WAS ALWAYS IN MY MIND WAS IN YOUR MIND TOO
WHO KNEW?!
FANTASIES COME TRUE!
AND NOW, I SEE

THAT WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF WAS MEANT TO BE
YOU AND ME, ME AND YOU
FANTASIES COME TRUE!
YOU AND ME LIVED IN FANTASY
BUT SOON WE'LL BE A REALITY

ROD
SO ARE YOU

PRINCETON
Kate, that was amazing.

BOTH
FANTASIES COME TRUE

KATE
You're amazing.

KATE
AND NOW

PRINCETON
I want you to have this. It's a penny I carry around with me for good luck. It's from
the year I was born. See? Who knows, maybe it'll bring you good luck. It did for
me. I found you.

ROD
AND NOW

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THE TIME THAT WE'VE SPENT
HOW GREAT IT'S BEEN,
HOW MUCH IT'S MEANT
KATE
GOSH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
I'M REALLY GLAD YOU FEEL THAT WAY
CUZ I'M AFRAID THAT I LIKE YOU MORE
THAN I'VE EVER LIKED ANY GUY BEFORE
ROD
CUZ NOW
KATE
CUZ NOW
ROD
MY LOVE
KATE
MY LOVE
BOTH
I'M GETTING WHAT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN DREAMING OF

KATE
OH, BABY

KATE
I SWEAR
ROD
I SWEAR THAT
BOTH
WHEN YOU WANT ME, I'M GONNA BE RIGHT THERE
ROD
TO CARE
KATE
TO CARE
BOTH
FOR YOU
KATE
THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO
ROD
AND MAKE YOUR FANTASIES
KATE
FANTASIES

BOTH
COME TRUE
ROD
FANTASIES COME TRUE.

KATE
I, uh, I overslept. I'm SO sorry!
THISTLETWAT
I should never have hired a monster.

NICKY
Hey, Rod, buddy, you're talking in your sleep.

KATE
What?

ROD
Oh, I thought you were talking in your sleep

THISTLETWAT
Your race is notoriously lazy.

NICKY
No, I just came to bed. You're dreaming, is all. It sounded like a nice dream,
though.

KATE
Well better a monster than a crabby old bitch!

ROD
Yes, it was a nice dream.

THISTLETWAT
Crabby old bitches are the bedrock of this nation. I regret the day I hired you.

NICKY
Goodnight!

KATE
Well I don't care because I quit.

ROD
Goodnight, Nicky.

THISTLETWAT
No, I'm going to fire you.

[Lights fade on ROD/NICKY and come up on PRINCETON /KATE. A phone rings]

KATE
You can't fire me because I quit!

KATE
Hello.
THISTLETWAT
Good afternoon, Katherine. You may recall that you were supposed to teach my
class this morning while I got my heart replaced.
KATE
Oh my god.
THISTLETWAT
You left the children unattended for three hours! They created their own tribal
society! They tried to sacrifice poor little Britney. Where were you?!

THISTLETWAT
You're going to hell, Katherine.
KATE
See you there! [Slams down phone]
Was I too mean?
PRINCETON
Good for you!
KATE
I hated working for her. I can get by on my savings for a while and temp a bit, and
then pursue what I really want in my life.

PRINCETON
Your school!
KATE
Yes.
PRINCETON
I think you're really brave, Kate.
KATE
Yeah?
PRINCETON
Listen. Are you going to Brian and Christmas Eve's wedding?
KATE
Of course.
PRINCETON
I was thinking we could, you know, go together.
KATE
Oh my gosh. Well it seems like I always go to weddings alone. I don't know what
I'd do if I went with a... a...
PRINCETON
With a boyfriend?
KATE
Yeah.
PRINCETON
Come with me.
KATE
That'd be great. [Starts to tear up]
PRINCETON
Are you okay, Kate?
KATE
Yeah, yeah. I just get fur in my eyes sometimes.

[They share a passionate embrace]

ACT 1, SCENE 9 – The Wedding
[GARY, dressed in a suit and a yarmulke, walks down and up the stage, modeling
his outfit. He exits as ROD and NICKY enter and walk down the center of the
stage.]
ROD
Did you bring the camera?
NICKY
What camera?

NICKY
That was beautiful, wasn't it Rod?
ROD
Gee. They're so lucky to have each other.
NICKY
Are you upset, Rod?

ROD
Under the bed.
NICKY
Whose bed? [they

ALL
Mazel Tov!

ROD
I need a moment to myself, okay?
[ROD runs off to the corner of the stage to sulk]

bicker for a second or two]

ROD
Nicky, just shhh!
[People start setting up the tent for a Jewish wedding. KATE and PRINCETON
walk down the center aisle.]
PRINCETON
Kate, you look beautiful tonight.
KATE
Thank you!
[The wedding march plays as CHRISTMAS EVE enters dressed in an enormous,
unbelievably tacky gown. TREKKIE opens his window and looks down on the
scene]

NICKY
No, buddy, talk to me. What's the matter?
BRIAN
Hey, what's up with Rod?
GARY
Yeah, he's sure looking down in the dumps lately.
C.E.
He lonely. He need a girlfriend.
GARY
A girlfriend? You got to be kidding. Rod?
C.E.
He not so ugly.

GARY
And by the power invested in me, Gary Coleman, I now pronounce you husband
and wife. [BRIAN steps on a chalice]

GARY
No, I always figured that Rod was one of those gays.

C.E.
L'chaim!

C.E.
Rod is gay?!

[BRIAN and CHRISTMAS EVE embrace and kiss]

BRIAN

I bet Nicky would know. Hey, Nicky! Come over here.
NICKY
Sure guys. What's up?
C.E.
We wondering if Rod is a gay.
NICKY
Well it's funny you should ask, because I do think Rod is gay. I always have. But,
you know, I figured if he wanted to tell me he would. So, yes. Definitely. I would
say that my buddy Rod is a closeted homosexual.
ROD
Nicky! How could you say that about me?
NICKY
Oh, hi Rod! All I said was, “Uh, yes! Definitely! I would say that my buddy Rod...
has... an undescended testicle!
ROD
No! I heard... no!
NICKY
Well, uh, I'm sorry Rod.
[ROD stammers for a minute]
ROD
I am NOT a closeted homowhatever! I have a whole life that none of you know
about. Not even you, Nicky!
NICKY
You do, Rod?
ROD
Sure I do. For example: I, I...
OH, I WISH YOU COULD MEET MY GIRLFRIEND,
MY GIRLFRIEND WHO LIVES IN CANADA.
SHE COULDN'T BE SWEETER,
I WISH YOU COULD MEET HER,
MY GIRLFRIEND WHO LIVES IN CANADA1!

HER NAME IS ALBERTA, SHE LIVES IN VANCOUVER.
SHE COOKS LIKE MY MOTHER AND SUCKS LIKE A HOOVER.
I E-MAIL HER EVERY SINGLE DAY,
JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYTHING'S OKAY.
IT'S A PITY SHE LIVES SO FAR AWAY,
IN CANADA!
LAAAAST WEEK SHE WAS HERE BUT SHE HAD THE FLU.
TOO BAAAAAAAD, CAUSE I WANTED TO INTRODUCE HER TO YOU.
IT'S SO SAAAAAAD, THERE WASN'T A THING THAT SHE COULD DO
BUT STAY IN BED,
WITH HER LEGS UP OVER HER HEAD!
Oh!
I WISH YOU COULD MEET MY GIRLFRIEND,
But you can't because she is in Canada.
I LOVE HER, I MISS HER, I CAN'T WAIT TO KISS HER,
SO SOON I'LL BE OFF TO ALBERTA!
...I mean, Vancouver!
Shit! Her NAME is Alberta, she LIVES in Vancouver
SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND!
MY WONDERFUL GIRLFRIEND!
YES I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND WHO LIVES IN CANADA!
And I can't wait to eat her pussy again!
GARY
Boy, I really should be get moving. Yes sir, quite a busy day ahead for Gary
Coleman. [GARY exits]
C.E.
Maybe we go to buffet.
BRIAN
Yeah, I'm starving!
KATE
We'll join you!
[All exit except NICKY and ROD]
NICKY

Oh, what I meant to say, Rod, was, uh, that I'd still be your buddy even if you were
gay.
ROD
Nicky, I want you out of the apartment when I get back.
NICKY
What, you're kicking me out?

It feels like I'm forgetting something.
KATE
Oh, she's throwing the bouquet! I'll be right back.
PRINCETON
Purpose. Purpose!
[In a video, the word “PURPOSE” is slowly transformed into “PROPOSE”]

ROD
Go live in a park for all I care! [ROD turns and exits]
NICKY
But Rod! I... oh, gee. I guess I better try to patch things up with Rod. I didn't make
him mad on purpose.
PRINCETON
Purpose!
C.E.
I throw bouquet in few minutes, Kate Monster. I have eye on good husband for
you.
KATE
Oh, Christmas Eve!
C.E.
I might throw bouquet to you on purpose!
PRINCETON

PRINCETON
Noooooo!
[A dissonant version of the Wedding March is played as a bride and bridegroom
walk around the stage Frankenstein-style and a gigantic Kate Monster puppet
peers out from behind the apartment building. PRINCETON screams throughout
the whole sequence]
KATE
I caught the bouquet, Princeton! Well, some little girl caught it, but she wasn't very
strong.
PRINCETON
Neat, uh...
KATE
You alright?
PRINCETON
Um, um... Kate? Kate, I have something I need to say.

Purpose.
KATE
Oh, Princeton, I have so much fun with you!
PRINCETON
Yeah, me too.
KATE
Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?
PRINCETON

KATE
Princeton, you can tell me anything!
PRINCETON
Listen. When I moved here to Avenue Q, I was looking for my purpose.
KATE
I remember.
PRINCETON
And, uh, we've been spending so much time together, and I've lost track of finding

it.

PRINCETON
You mean leave?
KATE

Uh-huh.
PRINCETON
I don't want to be an old man and look back and realize that I never found my
reason to be alive.
KATE
So...
PRINCETON
Yeah.
KATE
So you don't want to spend time with me anymore?
PRINCETON
No, no, I love being with you!
KATE
Oh, good. Because I thought you meant...
PRINCETON
But I don't want a girlfriend before I know my mission in life.
KATE
But you just said –
PRINCETON
I can't get tied down now, Kate. If we stay together, believe me, we won't even be
friends in the end!
KATE
But I'm not looking for friends. I have plenty of friends.
PRINCETON
You like me, don't you?
KATE
Well... yes, I do. And I think that's why you should get out of here.

KATE
Unless you have another definition for 'Get out of here'.”
[PRINCETON exits]
THERE'S A FINE, FINE LINE
BETWEEN A LOVER AND A FRIEND;
THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE
BETWEEN REALITY AND PRETEND;
AND YOU NEVER KNOW KNOW TILL YOU REACH THE TOP,
IF IT WAS WORTH THE UPHILL CLIMB.
THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE BETWEEN LOVE AND WASTE OF TIME.
THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE
BETWEEN A FAIRY TALE AND A LIE;
AND THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE
BETWEEN “YOU'RE WONDERFUL” AND “GOODBYE.”
I GUESS IF SOMEONE DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK,
IT ISN'T SUCH A CRIME,
BUT THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE
BETWEEN LOVE AND WASTE OF YOUR TIME.
AND I DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO WASTE ON YOU ANYMORE.
I DON'T THINK THAT YOU EVEN KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.
FOR MY OWN SANITY I'VE GOT TO CLOSE THE DOOR
AND WALK AWAY.
WHOA...
THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE
BETWEEN TOGETHER AND NOT
AND THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE
BETWEEN WHAT YOU WANTED AND WHAT YOU GOT.
YA GOTTA GO AFTER THE THINGS YOU WANT
WHILE YOU'RE STILL IN YOUR PRIME...
THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE
BETWEEN LOVE AND A WASTE OF TIME.
END OF ACT 1

ACT 2, SCENE 1 – Princeton's apartment
[PRINCETON is lying on the floor in his apartment]
PRINCETON
Purpose. Purpose. Purpose.
VOICE #1

Gosh, you look so blue!
BEAR #2
We're gonna cheer you up.
BEAR #1
How about a little smile?

Quest.
PRINCETON
Who said that? Purpose.

BEAR #2
I think I see a smile.
[THE BEARS pinch PRINCETON's cheeks while making baby noises]
Oh, come on Princeton!

VOICE #1
Quest.

PRINCETON
Sorry guys, it's not gonna work.
VOICE #2

Quest.

BEAR #1
Judge Judy's your friend!
PRINCETON

Purpose.

BEAR #2
Yeah, watch Judge Judy when you're all sad and low.
VOICE #1

Quest.

PRINCETON
It's not working.
VOICE #2

Quest.

BEAR #1
Well you could always hang yourself.

BOTH
Purposeless now!
PRINCETON
Cut it out. Who's doing that?

BEAR #2
[Running offstage and reentering with a rope]
Yeah, we found this rope.

[the BEARS appear.]

PRINCETON
I'm not going to hang myself!

THE BEARS
Hey, Princeton!

Aww.

BEAR #2
Aw, we're just fooling around.
BEAR #1

THE BEARS
PRINCETON
Could you guys just go away?
BEAR #1
Gosh, he's Snappy the Turtle today. Well we'll leave the rope, just in case.

No thanks, I'm staying in.
PRINCETON
Get out!

BRIAN
Don't tell me I gotta force you.

[THE BEARS laugh and exit. A knock on the door is heard]
PRINCETON
BRIAN
[Offstage] Princeton?
PRINCETON
Yeah?
[BRIAN enters through the door]
BRIAN
Listen, buddy. No one's seen you for two weeks. What's up with that?
PRINCETON
I went to work for a temp agency, but they fired me for being too depressing on the
phone. I maxed out my cards, I'm two months behind in the rent, I totally messed
up my personal life... Oh, and Brian, I still haven't found my purpose!
BRIAN
Alright, get off your ass and stop worrying! Everyone's getting together to mess
around the city today.

Sorry.
BRIAN
All right, everyone. He's resisting!
[GARY, C.E., TREKKIE, NICKY, and BRIAN enter]
C.E. AND GARY
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE
TREKKIE, NICKY AND BRIAN
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE
BRIAN
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE
ALL (EXCEPT PRINCETON)
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT.
THERE'S A PIGEON SQUASHED ON THE STREET
C.E.

PRINCETON
Have fun.
BRIAN
When I say “everyone” that includes YOU!
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT.
I KNOW IT'S HARD TO CONCEIVE.
BUT THERE'S LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT.
AND YOU'RE ONLY GONNA SEE IT IF YOU LEAVE.
THERE IS COOL SHIT TO DO
BUT IT CAN'T COME TO YOU
AND WHO KNOWS? DUDE, YOU MIGHT EVEN SCORE!
THERE IS LIVE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT.
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO OPEN THE DOOR.
PRINCETON

Eww!
BRIAN
THERE'S A GIRL PASSING BY...
NICKY
NO, I THINK IT'S A GUY!
ALL (EXCEPT PRINCETON)
AND A HOMELESS MAN
WHO ONLY WANTS TO BUY SOMETHING TO EAT
Sorry. Can't help you.
ALL (INCLUDING PRINCETON)
WE COULD GO TO THE ZOO!
[Everybody is on a train, thanks to lights and sound effects]

TREKKIE
Pick up girls at N.Y.U.!
BRIAN
WE COULD SIT IN THE PARK, SMOKING POT!
C.E.

ALL
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT.
OH, YA NEVER KNOW WHAT'S AROUND THE BEND
YOU COULD WIN THE LOTTO, OR MAKE A FRIEND!
[LUCY enters]

Or not!
ALL
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT.
[Train stops]
PRINCETON
WELL I GUESS I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT!
[Gunshot! Crash!]

GARY, NICKY, TREKKIE, AND BRIAN
TAKE HER HOME TO SEE YOUR APARTMENT!
LUCY (BOYS + GARY)
DO YOU WANNA FEEL SPECIAL (SPECIAL)
I CAN SEE THAT YOU DO (OOH, OOH, OOH WOW!)
WELL, I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL (SPECIAL!)
IF YOU LET ME FEEL YOU (SHE'LL FEEL YOU!)
WHERE'S YOUR PAD?

ALL
[Scream] AAAH!
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT.
I KNOW... [Sound of jackhammer] @&%*!
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT...

PRINCETON
NOT TOO FAR!

OFFSTAGE VOICE
I'm gonna jump!

PRINCETON
We'll be fine! Thank you! See ya!

ALL
Don't do it!

C.E
Hope you don't get gonorrhea!

OFFSTAGE
Okay!
ALL (IN A 2-PART GUY/GIRL CANON)
THERE IS COOL SHIT TO DO,
BUT IT CAN'T COME TO YOU, SO COME ON...
OFFSTAGE VOICE
Get outta the way, asshole!
PRINCETON
Fuck you!

BOYS
WE COULD CALL YOU A CAR!

ALL
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT!
LUCY (SIMULTANEOUS)
BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!
IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!
I COULD MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL.
LET ME MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL!
PRINCETON (SIMULTANEOUS)
BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!
IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!

IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!
TREKKIE (SIMULTANEOUS)
ME GOING HOME NOW, THAT'S WHERE ME GONNA GO NOW.
ME GOING HOME NOW, THAT'S WHERE ME GONNA GO NOW.
ME GOING HOME NOW, THAT'S WHERE ME GONNA GO NOW!
C.E., NICKY, GARY, BRIAN
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT!
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT!
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT!
ALL
BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!
TREKKIE
For porn!
PRINCETON (SIMULTANEOUS)
AND NOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!
IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!
IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!
TREKKIE (SIMULTANEOUS)
ME GOING HOME NOW, THAT'S WHERE ME GONNA GO NOW.
ME GOING HOME NOW, THAT'S WHERE ME GONNA GO NOW.
ME GOING HOME NOW, THAT'S WHERE ME GONNA GO NOW!
C.E., NICKY, GARY, BRIAN (SIMULTANEOUS)
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT!
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT!
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT!

I haven't seen you around.
KATE
Mm-hm.
[LUCY enters and PRINCETON walks over to her]
LUCY
You gonna show me upstairs?
PRINCETON
Yeah, Lucy. One second, okay?
LUCY
Sure, baby. Don't let my motor idle too long.
[LUCY exits into Princeton's apartment]
KATE
She a friend of yours?
PRINCETON
Yeah.
KATE
Deserting purpose?
PRINCETON
[Hesitating] Kate, I gotta go. [Starts to exit]
KATE
Have fun.
[CHRISTMAS EVE enters]

[PRINCETON goes to unlock his apartment door, but turns and spots KATE]
PRINCETON
Hey, Kate Monster! [walks over to KATE]
KATE
[Walking out of her apartment, coldly] Good evening.
PRINCETON

C.E.
What the matter, Kate Monster?
KATE
I hate Princeton. He's with that Lucy.
C.E.
Oh, that evil girl? She skanky. But that not make Princeton bad person, Kate

Monster.
KATE
I don't know any more.
C.E.
But you still feeling for him, don't you.
KATE
I do feeling for him.
C.E.
Sometimes person need time for learning. People always learning all through their
life. Look at mama bird. She push baby bird out of nest and that's it. If baby bird
fly, good for baby. If baby bird fall and crack head on rock and get eaten by cat,
then it need to do better next time.

WHO GO ON A DATE (Who... what?)
WHERE ONE OF THEM GOES, OTHER ONE FORROWS
YOU INVITING RUV, HE ARSO BLINGING SOLLOWS (Ah, yes...)
THE MORE YOU RUV SOMEONE,
THE MORE YOU WANT TO KIRREM. (AH)
RUVVING AND KIRRING FIT RIKE HAND IN GRUV (HAND IN GLOVE)
SO IF THERE SOMEONE YOU ARE WANTING SO TO KIRREM,
YOU GO AND FIND HIM
AND YOU GET HIM,
AND YOU NO KIRREM
CAUSE CHANCES GOOD
C.E. AND KATE
HE IS YOUR/MY LOVE.
[C.E. exits. Lights blackout and a spot hits KATE]

KATE
Why can't people get along and love each other, Christmas Eve?
C.E. (KATE)
You think getting arong same as ruving? Sometimes love right where you hating
most, Kate Monster.
THE MORE YOU RUV SOMEONE,
THE MORE YOU WANT TO KIRREM.
THE MORE YOU RUV SOMEONE,
THE MORE HE MAKE YOU CLY.
THOUGH YOU ARE TLY
FOR MAKING PEACE WITH THEM AND RUVING,
THAT'S WHY YOU RUV SO STRONG YOU RIKE TO MAKE HIM DIE
THE MORE YOU RUV SOMEONE,
THE MORE HE MAKE YOU CLAZY
THE MORE YOU RUV SOMEONE,
THE MORE YOU WISHING HIM DEADSOMETIME YOU ROOK AT HIM
AND ONRY SEE FAT AND RAZY,
AND WANTING BASEBAR BAT FOR HITTING HIM ON HIS HEAD!
RUV... (LOVE...)
AND HATE... (AND HATE...)
THEY RIKE TOW BLOTHERS... (BROTHERS...)

KATE
[Reading a letter]
Dear Princeton, It was good to see you yesterday. Listen, I'm sorry about what
happened, but I'd love to do 'friend' things with you. I'm going to visit the viewing
platform at the Empire State Building at midnight tonight, and I'd love for you to
come. Can you meet me there? If not, please call and let me know. Otherwise, I
guess I'll see you there. Yours, Kate Monster.
CHORUS OF KIDS (ON VIDEO)
Five night stands! [Five night stands are shown]
VOICE (ON VIDEO)
One night stand.
[The night stands are removed one by one until only one remains]
CHORUS OF KIDS
One night stand!

ACT 2, SCENE 2 – Avenue Q, outside Princeton's apartment

ACT 2, SCENE 3 – Avenue Q, outside Brian & Christmas Eve's apartment
[BRIAN and NICKY enter]

LUCY
Yeah?
KATE
Oh, it's you.
LUCY
Are you the cleaning lady?

NICKY
It's been a hard few weeks, Brian, what with Rod kicking me out and all. And I just
wanted to say thank you for letting me stay with you and your lovely bride.
BRIAN
Actually, I wanted to talk with you about that.
[CHRISTMAS EVE enters from her apartment]

KATE
I will not rise to your bait. Where is Princeton?
LUCY
He's hosing off in the shower. You need something?
KATE
I wanted to leave him this note is all. [Sets note on the windowsill]
LUCY
Oh, man. That kid kept me busy all night. Say, baby, you mind checking to see if
there are any stretch marks on my back?

C.E.
Brian, you tell him to go!
BRIAN
Honey! Don't be an idiot.
C.E.
I no do your housework! I no cook for you and clean for you and pick up all your
dressing. One lazy fat ass enough for this lady. This morning I take a shower, and I
pick up soap, and I saying “who putting all these little green pubic hairs on soap?
They not belong to me. They not belong to Brian. Who then could it be?” I about to
puking! So we go make him go away! And good!

KATE
Oh, yes, I see them. It looks like they say, “help me.” [Exits]

[CHRISTMAS EVE exits into her apartment]

LUCY
Hey kid, you almost done in there?

NICKY
[Stammering] But... I... see... I... [C.E. slams door shut]

PRINCETON
[Offstage] Yeah, I'm drying off.

BRIAN
Sorry, buddy.

LUCY
He doesn't need to be messing with some monster [Destroys the note]

NICKY
I don't know where to go.
BRIAN
You could stay with Princeton... or Kate?
NICKY
But I did already! And they kicked me out, too.
BRIAN

There's got to be someone who can help you out, buddy. Sorry.

AND FEELING REALLY CRAPPY.

[BRIAN exits. NICKY notices GARY, who enters reading a newspaper]

NICKY
I'll say.

NICKY
Oh! Why, uh, good evening there Gary!

AND WHEN I SEE HOW SAD YOU ARE,
IT SORT OF MAKES ME HAPPY!

GARY
Nicky!

NICKY
Happy?

NICKY
Listen, Gary. I need a place to stay and I was wondering if I could just, you know,
sleep on your floor. Now, just till Rod and I patch things up.
GARY
I see. Well how do I put this, uh... NO.

GARY
SORRY NICKY, HUMAN NATURE.
NOTHING I CAN DO.
IT'S SCHADENFREUDE!
MAKIN' ME FEEL GLAD THAT I'M NOT YOU.

NICKY
No? But I've asked everyone. And if you don't take me, where will I live?

NICKY
That's not very nice, Gary!

GARY
What about on the street?

GARY
I didn't say it was nice, but everybody does it!
D'JA EVER CLAP WHEN A WAITRESS FALLS
AND DROPS A TRAY OF GLASSES?

NICKY
You mean I should be homeless?

NICKY
GARY

Yeah!

Sure.
NICKY
That's a terrible way to live!

AND AIN'T IT FUN TO WATCH FIGURE SKATERS
FALLING ON THEIR ASSES?
NICKY

GARY
Oh yeah? Try being a has-been at age 15. Look, kid. I know from living in the
dumps, but look on the bright side. Think of all the joy you'll bring to others when
they find out just how miserable you are.

Sure!
GARY
DON'T YA FEEL ALL WARM AND COZY,
WATCHING PEOPLE OUT IN THE RAIN?

NICKY
What?
NICKY
GARY
RIGHT NOW YOU ARE DOWN AND OUT

You bet!

GARY

Ex's getting S.T.D.'s!

THAT'S
BOTH
SHADENFREUDE!
GARY
PEOPLE TAKING PLEASURE IN YO' PAIN!

NICKY
Waking doormen from their naps!
GARY
Watching tourists reading maps!

[A video appears, showing the word “shad`'n froi'dә”]

NICKY
Football players getting tackled!

NICKY
Schadenfreude? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?

GARY
C.E.O.'s getting shackled!

GARY
Yup! It's German for “Happiness at the misfortune of others!”

NICKY
Watching actors never reach

NICKY
Happiness at the misfortune of others? That is German.
WATCHING A VEGETARIAN
BEING TOLD SHE JUST ATE CHICKEN,

BOTH
The ending of their “Oscar” speech!
SCHADENFREUDE!
SCHADENFREUDE!
SCHADENFREUDE!
SCHADENFREUDE!

GARY
OR WATCHING A FRAT BOY REALIZE
JUST WHAT HE PUT HIS DICK IN!
NICKY
BEING ON AN ELEVATOR WHEN SOMEBODY SHOUTS,
“HOLD THE DOOR!”
BOTH
No!!!
SHADENFREUDE!
GARY
“FUCK YOU LADY, THAT'S WHAT STAIRS ARE FOR!”
NICKY
How about straight “A” students getting “B”s!
GARY

GARY
THE WORLD NEEDS PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME
WHO'VE BEEN KNOCKED AROUND BY FATE
CAUSE WHEN PEOPLE SEE US
THEY DON'T WANT TO BE US
AND THAT MAKES THEM FEEL GREAT
NICKY
Sure!
WE PROVIDE A VITAL SERVICE TO SOCIETY!
BOTH
YOU AND ME,
SCHADENFREUDE!
MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE
MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE TO BE!
GARY

[A video flashes each letter as GARY says it] S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!

ACT 2, SCENE 4 – The Empire State Building
KATE
[On top of the Empire State Building] All those people look like ants down there.
And their hearts look about as tiny as the ones inside the men I've dated. Princeton
gave me this penny once. He said it was the symbol of his hopes and dreams. And
he never called, like I asked him to, but I don't see him anywhere, and pretty soon
he'll be an hour late, if he comes at all.
PRINCETON
[On the street below the Empire State Building] Hey, Lucy, where'd you go this
morning? I've been looking all over for you.
LUCY
Aw, man. Why do I always get the clingy guys?
PRINCETON
You left is all, without even saying goodbye.
LUCY
Listen, kid. Sorry to be honest, but look at me. I can have my pick of the litter. If I
want a relationship, I'll find a guy with a good job who has a future and some
money, and not some well-hung baby face kid who leeches from his parents and
can't get his act together!
PRINCETON
I think I heard a compliment in there somewhere.
KATE
[Above] I'm going to get rid of this stupid penny. And I'll make a wish: I hope,
more than anything, I hope that I find someone I love. Someone who loves me
back. [KATE lets out a scream and hurls the penny over the railing]
Somehow, I don't feel any better.
PRINCETON
[Below] Look, Lucy. I'm only looking for my purpose, my big break, my big
revelation.
LUCY
You know the only revelation people have in life, kiddo? They're not special.
You're not special. You're no luckier or more gifted than anyone else.
PRINCETON

You don't think so?
No!

ACT 2, SCENE 5 – The Hospital
[A video is shown with an EKG screen. The wavelength is in the shape of two
breasts, and there is text at the bottom:“PATIENT: LUCY T. SLUT”. Lucy is lying
unconscious in a hospital bed when PRINCETON enters]

PRINCETON
Now whenever I pass by this place, I'll think about what you said just now.

PRINCETON
Lucy? Can you hear me?

LUCY
What's so special about this place?

KATE
[Entering] Princeton, I... I heard your friend had an accident. How is she?

PRINCETON
You mean here, on 34th and 5th, right next to the Empire State Building?

PRINCETON
Her head fell off in the ambulance, and the doctor spent the night sewing it back
on. But the prognosis is good.

LUCY

[A falling sound is heard and Lucy's head lolls]
PRINCETON

KATE
What happened to her?

Lucy?
PRINCETON
Some idiot threw a penny off the Empire State Building.
KATE
[Aside] Shit.
PRINCETON
Kate, what are you doing here?
KATE
Why didn't you bother to say you weren't coming? I told you in my note...
PRINCETON
What note?
KATE
The one I left with... [Glances at LUCY and suddenly understands]
Oh. I feel better now.
PRINCETON
How are you Kate?
KATE

Honestly?

ACT 2, SCENE 6 – Avenue Q

PRINCETON
Of course.

NICKY
Help the homeless! Help the homeless! [ROD enters] Oh, hi Rod!

KATE
I'm working at Barnes & Noble. I miss my students. I work all day and I'm poorer
than ever.

ROD
Oh, is that the wind I hear, rustling through the branches?

KATE
Some people's dreams come true, but I don't think I'm one of those people.

NICKY
Oh, listen, Rod. From now on, I'll believe anything you say about yourself. And I
apologize for being such a messy roommate. And now that I have a place of my
own – behind that dumpster over there – I can appreciate how hard it is to keep
things nice. Well? [C.E. enters and watches as Nicky waits for a response] Well,
okay, Rod buddy. I'll see you around. [Exits]

PRINCETON
Don't say that.

C.E.
Rod? Are you okay?

KATE
But that's the way life is, Princeton. Nobody teaches you that when you're a kid
because if you knew, no one would ever dream or want to grow up. But you can't
stop growing up. I'm late for work. [Turns to leave]

ROD
Yeah. Christmas Eve, can I consult with you briefly?

PRINCETON
What about your dream?

PRINCETON
Kate, listen. I wish you were happy. And I wish I had my life together, but I don't,
and I don't know when that's going to happen. And I'm so sorry for hurting your
feelings because I think you are so special. Sorry that wasn't more articulate.

C.E.
Sure. [ROD lays down in C.E.'s lap] What the problem today?
ROD
Well, uh, it's tiny really. I, uh...
C.E.

KATE
It was perfectly articulate. I really do have to go.
[Lucy's EKG goes flat for a minute, then returns to normal]

Go on.
ROD
Many of my friends are married now, and now that you and Brian... I...
C.E.
Go on.
ROD
Why don't I have someone by my side who makes me feel special and safe?
Someone who loves me the way I love them. [Cries]
C.E.

Rod, you special. Rod, you safe.
ROD
I miss Nicky.
C.E.
I know you do.
[ROD sobs into C.E.'s lap as the lights come up on KATE (standing on the viewing
platform of the Empire State Building), NICKY, and PRINCETON]
KATE
I WISH I COULD GO BACK TO COLLEGE.
LIFE WAS SO SIMPLE BACK THEN.
NICKY
WHAT WOULD I GIVE TO GO BACK AND LIVE
IN A DORM WITH A MEAL PLAN AGAIN!

PRINCETON
OR FUCK MY T.A.
PRINCETON, NICKY, AND KATE
I NEED AN ACADEMIC ADVISOR TO POINT THE WAY!
WE COULD BE SITTING IN THE COMPUTER LAB
FOUR A.M. BEFORE THE FINAL PAPER IS DUE,
CURSING THE WORLD 'CAUSE I DIDN'T START SOONER,
AND SEEING THE REST OF THE CLASS THERE TOO!
PRINCETON
I WISH I COULD GO BACK TO COLLEGE
PRINCETON, NICKY, AND KATE
HOW DO I GO BACK TO COLLEGE?
PRINCETON
I WISH I HAD TAKEN MORE PICTURES.

[KATE and NICKY sigh]
PRINCETON
I WISH I COULD GO BACK TO COLLEGE.
IN COLLEGE YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
YOU SIT IN THE QUAD,
AND THINK, OH MY GOD,
I AM TOTALLY GONNA GO FAR!
PRINCETON, NICKY, AND KATE
HOW DO I GO BACK TO COLLEGE?
I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!
PRINCETON
I WANNA GO BACK TO MY ROOM
AND FIND A MESSAGE IN DRY ERASE PEN ON THE DOOR!
WHOA, I WISH I COULD JUST DROP A CLASS
NICKY
OR GET INTO A PLAY
KATE
OR CHANGE MY MAJOR

NICKY
BUT IF I WERE TO GO BACK TO COLLEGE,
THINK WHAT A LOSER I'D BE....
I'D WALK THROUGH THE QUAD,
AND THINK, “OH MY GOD,”
PRINCETON, NICKY, AND KATE
“THESE KIDS ARE SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN ME.”

ACT 2, SCENE 7 – Avenue Q

That's not what I meant.

NICKY
Help the homeless! Help the homeless! Oh, hey Princeton! Hey, can you spare a
quarter?

NICKY
Give me a five!

PRINCETON
Not right now, Nicky.
NICKY
Oh, come on! You know you want to. How about a dime, hmm? Spare a dime for
your old pal?
PRINCETON
I want to be alone for a while, okay?
NICKY
Yeah, but...
PRINCETON
Leave me alone, okay?!
NICKY
You know what? Maybe you should stop thinking about yourself. Maybe you
should try helping someone else out for a change. Like me. Oh, come on Princeton!

PRINCETON
Are you kidding?
NICKY
THE MORE YOU GIVE,
THE MORE YOU GET,
THAT'S BEING ALIVE!
ALL I'M ASKING YOU
IS TO DO WHAT JESUS CHRIST WOULD DO,
HE'D GIVE ME A QUARTER.
WHY DON'T YOU?
PRINCETON
Alright, alright, here ya go. [Puts money in Nicky's hat]
NICKY
Thanks!
PRINCETON
Take care. Woah!

Give me a quarter.
HERE IN MY HAT.
COME ON, PRINCETON,
IT'S AS EASY AS THAT.
HELPING OTHERS BRINGS YOU CLOSER TO GOD,
SO GIVE ME A QUARTER.

NICKY
What's the matter?

PRINCETON
I don't have any change.

You do?

NICKY
Hm. Okay,
GIVE ME A DOLLAR,
PRINCETON

PRINCETON
I feel generous. I feel compassionate.
NICKY
PRINCETON
Yeah! Yeah, I feel like a new person. A good person. Helping other people out
makes you feel fantastic.
NICKY

That's what I was trying to tell you.
PRINCETON
All this time I've been running around thinking about me, me, me, and where has it
gotten me? I'm gonna do something for someone else!

PRINCETON
GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.
NICKY
I'd like to, but I need it.

NICKY
Me?

PRINCETON
GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!

PRINCETON
No, Kate! I'm going to raise the money to build that stupid Monster School she's
always talking about!
GIVE ME YOUR MONEY
NICKY
What?
PRINCETON
I NEED IT FOR KATE
NICKY
I need it to eat!
PRINCETON
COME ON NICKY,
NICKY
Oh, get lost!
PRINCETON
IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL GREAT!
NICKY
[Aside] So would a burger!
PRINCETON
WHEN HER DREAM COMES TRUE,
IT'LL ALL BE PARTLY THANKS TO YOU
SO GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.
NICKY
I'd like to, but I can't.

NICKY
I'd like to, but I'm homeless. I can't, I need it, I'm homeless, I can't, I need it I'm
homeless, I can't, I need it I'm homeless–
[PRINCETON slaps NICKY] Okay, here you go.
PRINCETON
Thank you!
NICKY
SUDDENLY, I AM FEELING CLOSER TO GID.
IT'S TIME TO STOP BEGGING
IT'S TIME TO START GIVING
WHAT CAN I GIVE TO ROD?
Something he'll like so much he'll take me back... I know! I'll find him a boyfriend!
PRINCETON
That's the spirit!
BOTH
WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS, YOU CAN'T HELP HELPING YOURSELF!
WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS, YOU CAN'T HELP HELPING YOURSELF!
[GARY enters.]
GARY
Hey, boys. What's the hat for?
NICKY
We're collecting money.

PRINCETON
It's for Kate. We're raising money to help build her dream school.
GIVE US YOUR MONEY
NICKY
YOU'LL BE GLAD THAT YOU DID,
GARY
THAT'S JUST WHAT MY PARENTS TOLD ME
WHEN I WAS A KID!
Shit...
NICKY
BUT GIVING FEELS SO GREAT!
GARY
AND I BET IT WOULDN'T HURT YOUR CHANCES WITH KATE...

We rich!
PRINCETON
GIVE US YOUR MONEY!
NICKY
GIVE US YOUR MONEY!
GARY
GIVE US YOUR GOD-DAMNED MONEY!
PRINCETON
GIVE US THE DOUGH!
GARY AND NICKY
GIVE US THE DOUGH!

PRINCETON
Well, that too...

PRINCETON, GARY, AND NICKY
WE'RE RAISING MONEY FOR A MONSTER SCHOOL,
BUT WE'VE GOT A WAYS TO GO!

GARY
I'LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR.

PRINCETON
SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE GOT MONEY TO BURN,

PRINCETON
YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN AND A SCHOLAR!

NICKY
AND IT'S NOT LIKE MONEY THAT YOU HAD TO EARN,

[BRIAN and C.E. enter]

PRINCETON, GARY, AND NICKY
SO GIVE US YOUR MONEY!

C.E.
We so happy! We just return all your wedding gifts for cash!
BRIAN
Honey, don't tell them that.

C.E.
A Monster School?
BRIAN
Sounds like a good cause.

C.E.
We got about two thousand bucks!
BRIAN
Yeah, so thanks everybody!
C.E.

C.E.
Give me your wallet.
PRINCETON
Oh my gosh. I don't know how to thank you guys. I mean, Kate will be so grateful.

That kind of money is such a great start.

PRINCETON
Wha? Fifteen dollars?

WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS, YOU CAN'T HELP HELPING YOURSELF!
EV'RY TIME YOU DO GOOD DEEDS
YOU'RE ALSO SERVING YOUR OWN NEEDS,
WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS YOU'RE REALLY HELPING YOURSELF!
WHEN YOU GIVE TO A WORTHY CAUSE,
YOU'LL FEEL AS JOLLY AS SANTA CLAUS
WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS, YOU CAN'T HELP HELPING YOURSELF!

C.E.
Every little bit help.

C.E.
How much did we get?

NICKY
Looks like we're gonna have to ask MORE people!

PRINCETON
Well, lets see! [Looks into hats that were passed out through the audience] Besides
this Metro Card – which I'm keeping – well, it's really not very much at all, is it?

GARY
Yeah. Fifteen dollars!

[ALL turn out to audience]
ALL
GIVE US YOUR MONEY!
ALL THAT YOU'VE GOT!
JUST FORK IT ON OVER
GARY
OR SOME PUPPETS WILL GET SHOT!
PRINCETON

C.E.
Those people bunch of cheapskates!
BRIAN
Never say never, Princeton. There's still one more person we have to hit up.
[TREKKIE's window opens and his head pops out]
TREKKIE
No, no, no! Me busy. Go away!

Ah!
ALL
IT'S TIME TO PASS THE HAT,
GARY
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO 'BOUT THAT
MEN (WOMEN)
SO GIVE US YOUR MONEY!
(GIVE US YOUR MONEY!)
GIVE US YOUR MONEY!
(GIVE US YOUR MONEY!)
ALL
GIVE US YOUR MONEY!
WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS, YOU CAN'T HELP HELPING YOURSELF!

C.E.
But it for a good cause.
BRIAN
Yeah, come on Trekkie!
TREKKIE
Ohh, what in it for ME, hmm? Go away! [Grunt]
PRINCETON
I guess Kate will never get her school for monsters.
TREKKIE
What you say?
BRIAN
Kate wants to open a school for monsters.

TREKKIE
School... for monsters? [Grunt] Me never hear of that!
SCHOOL FOR MONSTERS!
SCHOOL FOR LONELY LITTLE MONSTERS.
WHEN ME LITTLE, GOING TO SCHOOL,
OTHER CHILDREN THINK ME NOT COOL
POKING AND PULLING AT ME FUR...
NOW ME HAVE THERAPIST, AND WORK ON THIS WITH HER.
BUT ME NO NEED ME THERAPY
IF MONSTER SCHOOL A REALITY!
Me be right back! [Looks around his apartment and pulls out several sacks of
money] I give you ten million dollars! [drops money]
PRINCETON
Trekkie! Where did you get all that money?
TREKKIE
In volatile market, only stable investment is PORN.
ALL
WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS, YOU CAN'T HELP HELPING YOURSELF!
WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS, YOU CAN'T HELP HELPING YOURSELF!
EVERY TIME YOU DO GOOD DEEDS
YOU'RE ALSO SERVING YOUR OWN NEEDS,
WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS, YOU CAN'T HELP HELPING YOURSELF!
[BRIAN and NICKY unveil a sign reading “MONSTERSSORI SCHOOL”]

BRIAN
Most of it came from a donor who wishes to remain anonymous.
GARY
Well lets just say that I chipped in, too.
KATE
I don't know what to say.
BRIAN
Just say thanks.
KATE
Thank you. Thank you, everybody! The entire monster community thanks all of
you!
BRIAN
Listen, now that everybody's all gathered here, Christmas Eve and I have an
announcement.
C.E.
We getting divorce! [ALL gasp] I only kidding. But, we leaving Avenue Q.
KATE
What?
C.E.
We married now. It's right to move on. So we move to nicer neighborhood: to
Lower East Side.

GARY
It's your school, Kate!
BRIAN
And here's a check with enough money to renovate the building.
C.E.
And you can hire teachers and cafeteria ladies and make a real, working school for
monsters. We all raise the money.
KATE
You mean all that money, for me?

KATE
But you can't leave!
BRIAN
Come on, guys. We'll still keep in touch. Oh, and there's another reason. I'm
starting a new career. I'm a consultant!
C.E.
I not know what that is, but I so proud of him. And I have good news too. I finally
get a regular client. I a paid therapist!

NICKY
Oh? Who is your client?
C.E.
Oh, I not allowed to say. But I seeing him seven times a week at one twenty-five an
hour. He need a rot of help. We work through his issues and he come out other side
an integrated person.
KATE
I bet I know who it is.
C.E.
He much better.
NICKY
Ooh! You mean Rod?

I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. I've missed you so much. Will you move back
in with me?
NICKY
Oh! Well, if it makes you happy, Rod.
ROD
It would.
NICKY
Alright.
[ROD and NICKY cheer and embrace]
NICKY
Hey, Rod, guess what I did!
ROD

C.E.
I not allowed to say.
BRIAN
Say, where is he, anyway? Get him out here!

What?
NICKY
I put a personal ad all over the Internet with your picture on it.

[Crash!]

ROD
You did what?!

C.E.
God dammit!

NICKY
And I found someone veeerry special.

[ROD enters]

[ROD objects while NICKY runs offstage to get RICKY]
NICKY
Rod? Rod? I want you to meet Ricky.

ROD
La la la! Champagne for everybody! Oh, I've got some news!
C.E.
Oh, Rod, you okay!
ROD
And you're okay too. [Laughs] Oh, everyone. I have confronted my fears and won,
so I have a few things I'd like to say. Number one: I apologize for being so hotheaded and difficult. It was all because, well, this is number two. Hold your
applause everybody. Because I, Rod, am gay! Okay, and three: Nicky. Oh, Nicky.

[He presents RICKY, who is entering. He looks just like Nicky except he is more
buff and has on a “wife-beater” shirt. He speaks with a voice similar to Nicky's,
but deeper]
RICKY
Hey there, Rod buddy. It sure is nice to meet you.
NICKY
I think I know your type.

ROD
Sweet suffering Jesus! Nicky and Ricky. Oh, my cup runneth over. Well, lets go.

KATE
THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE BETWEEN LOVE...
Thank you, Princeton.

[EVERYBODY greets RICKY as ROD leads him, shouting with glee, into his
apartment.]
GARY
Everybody's dreams are coming true, and then there's Gary Coleman.
BRIAN
Aw, come on Gary.
KATE
You've still got all of us.
GARY
Yeah, well since you two are leaving I better go put that damn “FOR RENT” sign
back up...”
KATE
The Monsterssori School. I don't even know where to start.
C.E.
Do you know who get idea, and collect all the money, and buy building for you?

PRINCETON
So will you take me back, Kate?
KATE
I'll be so busy now with all the contractors and inspections and hiring teachers and
choosing textbooks and –
PRINCETON
[Covering KATE's mouth with his hand] I could help you.
KATE
Can we take it one day at a time?
[PRINCETON and KATE kiss as NEW KID enters, singing]
NEW KID
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A B.A. IN ENGLISH?
Oh look, a “For Rent” sign! Oh my god, you're Gary Coleman!
GARY
Yes I am.

KATE
Was it you?
C.E.
No. It Princeton.
KATE
Princeton... for me?
PRINCETON
You said you couldn't make your dreams come true by yourself, so I shot for the
stars.
YOU GOTTA GO AFTER THE THINGS YOU WANT
WHILE YOU'RE STILL IN YOUR PRIME...

NEW KID
Well, say, can you tell me where I can reach the super?
GARY
I am the super.
NEW KID
Woah. You're Gary Coleman, and you're the super?! [Laughs]
GARY
Are you laughing at me?
NEW KID
No, no, no, sorry...

GARY
No, that's alright kid. That's why I'm here!
[flashes a cheesy smile at the audience]

KATE
Who does, really?
EV'RYONE'S A LITTLE BIT UNSATISFIED.

NEW KID
Listen, I'd like to talk to you about the apartment for rent.

BRIAN
EV'RYONE GOES 'ROUND A LITTLE EMPTY INSIDE.

GARY
Sure, come on in.

GARY
TAKE A BREATH, LOOK AROUND,

PRINCETON
Wait a minute! Wait a minute, that's it!

BRIAN
SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE,

KATE
What?

KATE
FOR NOW...

PRINCETON
My purpose. Look at this kid here, all fresh-faced and new and not knowing
anything. He has no idea what he's in for. He thinks the hard part's over, but it's not.
And maybe he needs a little help. And maybe my purpose is to take everything I'm
learning, and put it in a show!

KATE, BRIAN, GARY, C.E.
FOR NOW...

BRIAN
Are you high?

ROD
LIFE GOES ON,

NEW KID
And I'm not some young kid who doesn't know anything. Fuck you!
[Gives PRINCETON “the finger” and exits]
PRINCETON
Why does everything have to be so hard?
GARY
Maybe you'll never find your purpose.
C.E.
Lots of people don't.
PRINCETON
But then – I don't know why I'm even alive!

NICKY
NOTHING LASTS,

NICKY
FULL OF SURPRISES.
ROD
YOU'LL BE FACED WITH PROBLEMS OF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES.
C.E.
YOU'RE GOING TO TO HAVE TO MAKE A FEW COMPROMISES,
FOR NOW...
TREKKIE
FOR NOW...
ALL
BUT ONLY FOR NOW! (FOR NOW!)
ONLY FOR NOW! (FOR NOW!)

ONLY FOR NOW...

FOR NOW...

[LUCY enters]

KATE
FOR NOW...

LUCY
Hey everybody! I had to beat it from my yoga class to be here by the final number.
Gosh, it's so faboo to see all you crazy kids!
KATE
Lucy, is that you?
LUCY
A whole new me! That penny took out twenty percent of my brain... but it only
took out the beanstalk. [Laughs]
[The BAD IDEA BEARS enter]
BEAR #2
We've reformed out ways, too.
BEAR #1
We found scientology!
THE BEARS
Yay!
LUCY
FOR NOW WE'RE HEALTHY.
BRIAN
FOR NOW WE'RE EMPLOYED.
BAD IDEA BEARS
FOR NOW WE'RE HAPPY,
KATE
IF NOT OVERJOYED.
PRINCETON
AND WE'LL ACCEPT THE THINGS WE CANNOT AVOID,
FOR NOW...
GARY

ALL
BUT ONLY FOR NOW! (FOR NOW!)
ONLY FOR NOW! (FOR NOW!)
ONLY FOR NOW! (FOR NOW!)
ONLY FOR NOW...
GUYS
ONLY FOR NOW...
GIRLS (GUYS)
FOR NOW THERE'S LIFE! (ONLY FOR NOW!)
FOR NOW THERE'S LOVE! (ONLY FOR NOW)
FOR NOW THERE'S WORK! FOR NOW THERE'S
ALL
HAPPINESS!
GUYS
BUT ONLY FOR NOW
GIRLS (GUYS)
FOR NOW DISCOMFORT! (ONLY FOR NOW!)
FOR NOW THERE'S FRIENDSHIP! (ONLY FOR NOW!)
FOR NOW
ALL
ONLY FOR NOW!
ONLY FOR NOW!
Sex!
IS ONLY FOR NOW!
Your hair!
IS ONLY FOR NOW!
George Bush!
IS ONLY FO RNOW!
DON'T STRESS, RELAX,
LET LIFE ROLL OFF YOUR BACKS.

EXCEPT FOR DEATH AND PAYING TAXES,
EV'RYTHING IN LIFE IS ONLY FOR NOW!
NICKY
EACH TIME YOU SMILE,
ALL
ONLY FOR NOW...
KATE
IT'LL ONLY LAST A WHILE.
ALL
ONLY FOR NOW...
PRINCETON
LIFE MAY BE SCARY
ALL
ONLY FOR NOW...
BUT IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.
ALL BUT PRINCETON
BAH-DUM BA-DAH,
BAH-DUM BA-DAH...
BAH-DUM BA-DAH,
DA DA DA DA
DAH DA DA DA
DA DA DA DA
DAH DA DA DA
DAH DAH DA
BAH-DUM BA-DAH,
BAH-DUM BA-DAH...
OOH
PRINCETON
EV'RYTHING IN LIFE IS ONLY FOR NOW.
THE SHOW IS OVER

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