Beveridge Family News

Volume 4, Issue 1 Holiday Edition December 2008

Area Couple Faces Inexorable March of Time at Flower Girl’s Wedding
PITTSBURGH, PA -- After thirteen years of marriage and two children, it has been increasingly difficult for Warminster residents Mike and Kathy Beveridge to maintain the illusion that they are still young and cool. This October, the last tattered shreds of their youth were scattered to the winds of Pittsburgh, PA as they attended the wedding of cousin Jill Marincic—the flower girl for their own wedding in 1995. Indeed, the trip from their Warminster home to western Pennsylvania was like a trip back in time for the rapidly aging couple, as they attended the ceremony at the Church of the Assumption in Avalon, PA and the reception at the Embassy Suites in Coraopolis, PA— the same venues that hosted their own wedding events. “Assumption has been the Welsh family parish for generations, so it was the only place for Jill’s wedding,” noted proud mother of the bride (and aunt to Kathy and Mike) Maureen Marincic. “And we had so much fun at the Embassy Suites the first time that we had to do it again. Plus, we were hoping to convince Mike and Kathy that they were back at their own wedding so they would pay for it. They’re so addled with old age, we thought they might fall for it.” Despite their rapidly deteriorating faculties, the Beveridges were able to note the differences between their own wedding and their cousin’s. “So much has changed,” a wistful Kathy commented. “At our wedding, Jill was a cute, slightly crazy young girl in a green dress. Today, she’s a cute, slightly crazy young woman in a white dress.” Husband Mike also noted the differences between then and now. “All the same people that were at our wedding are here, except they all look really old,” he pointed out. “Except Kath and me. We still look exactly the same.” As the evening went on, however, Mike was forced to admit that times had changed for him and his lovely bride as well. “I was talking to Mike and Kathy at the reception, and they were telling me about how their wedding preparations were so frantic and how all weddings are the same that way,” recalled Jill. “I totally agreed, and I told them how I was constantly checking Google Maps so I could text updated directions to guests, and how I ran up my cell phone bill while uploading digital photos to my Facebook page.” “I asked Mike if he had the same problems before his wedding, and he just stared at me for like a minute. Then he said ‘yeah, now why don’t you get in your rocket car and go back to your own planet, freak.’” The future shock continued as the reception progressed. “All my younger cousins ran out to the dance floor, and Mike and I went with them,” Kathy noted. “But we didn’t recognize any of the songs. These kids today don’t appreciate the old musical standards—you know, like Billy Idol and the B-52’s.” To add insult to injury, the most enthusastic supporters of the new-fangled music were Mike and Kathy’s own children. Along with their cousins Henry and Aidan Welsh, Colin and Keenan were right in their element on the dance floor [see Online Extras, inset]. “I was having fun dancing and my dad starts complaining about how the music is too loud,” nineyear-old Colin recalled. “I told him to lighten up, and he said he was sorry and that he was having a hard time adjusting to

Siblings Colin and Keenan grudgingly pose with middle-age parents Kathy and Mike Beveridge.

middle age. He said he was having fun watching us dance and he was going to ask for a copy of the videotape. I said ‘What’s a videotape, Dad?’ That’s when he started drinking a lot.” As the reception came to a close Vic Marincic, father of the bride and uncle of the kvetching couple, offered some valuable advice to help them keep their perspective. “They think they feel old now?” he pointed out. “Wait till their kid’s the one getting married.”

Warm wishes for a happy and healthy new year from the Beveridge Family! Kathy, Mike Colin, and Keenan 1195 Dager Road Warminster, PA 18974 215-441-4827
michael.beveridge@aacr.org kathleen.beveridge@comcast.net

Beveridge Family News Online Extras
See exclusive footage of the Beveridge and Welsh cousins shaking their groove things! Visit www.youtube.com, enter “BevFamNews” into the Search box, and click Search. [Special thanks to Paul and Kathy Driscoll of D3 Media for the video conversion and A/V geek stuff: www.d3media.net.]

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December 2008

Area Woman Gets Back to Nature with Backyard Garden
WARMINSTER, PA -- One of the buzzwords of 2008, a “locavore” is a person committed to obtaining as much of her food from local sources as possible. Local greenthumb Kathy Beveridge spent the summer of 2008 transforming into a “loco-vore,” which is a person crazy enough to try to grow it all herself. Beveridge was inspired to her green calling by Barbara Kingsolver’s book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, which espoused the many benefits of homegrown produce. In early May she put her plan into action, digging out a large section of the backyard with the grudging assistance of her husband, Mike. Responding to allegations that he was not entirely supportive of the project, Mike insisted that his reservations related only to the timing. “Hey, I love the garden idea,” he stated in a recent interview. “There’s only one thing I love more than eating vegetables, and that’s eating vegetables that I had to crawl through the dirt to pull out. But she started digging the garden the week before our party for Colin’s First Communion, and I just thought that maybe we should be spending that time scrubbing the toilets and making meatballs for 40 people, not digging a 300-square-foot shallow grave next to the back porch.” Mike’s objections intensified later in the summer when, with her seeds on the cusp of sprouting, Kathy left town for four weeks to pursue her Master’s coursework on the campus of the University of Notre Dame. “Hey, it’s bad enough she left me to raise her kids,” he pointed out, “but this time she had me looking after the garden, too. I mean, the kids aren’t that hard; you just put some food out once in a while. But I had to wake up early every morning to water the damn squash. The only bright side is that I don’t have to put the squash through college.” Despite the work involved, the family did enjoy the benefits of the garden while Kathy was away. “Keenan wanted peas with dinner one night,” Mike recalled, “so I go outside, get down on my knees, and start pulling pods off the latticework. Then I bring them inside, shell them, wash them off, and steam them.” “An hour later I had three tablespoons of peas to put on his plate,” Mike noted. “He took one bite and said ‘I like the kind we usually eat.’ Now I know why that Green Giant is always so jolly.” Despite her husband’s complaints, Kathy was transformed by the experience. “This year, the Woman’s National Farm and Garden Association had its Annual Meeting in Philadelphia,” she pointed out. Eighty women from the WNFGA gathered at my friend Jenny Carey’s house for dinner, and we fed them all with salads made with spinach and lettuce from my very own garden. It

Keenan Beveridge, living off the fat of the land.

was delicious, and the fact that I grew it myself made it even better. The only problem with the garden was that it wasn’t big enough, but we’ll fix that next year when we double the size.” When pressed for comment, Mike indicated that his wife would expand the garden “over my dead body.” When told of his statement, Kathy agreed that it was “a great idea. I’ve always heard that uncooperative husbands make the best compost.”

Couple on Facebook Lacking Virtual, Actual Friends
CYBERSPACE — Area residents Kathy and Mike Beveridge, in a desperate and sad attempt to remain “hep” despite their advancing age [see related story, page 1], have both set up pages on Facebook, the social networking site. Unfortunately for them, social networking requires that they have a network. Kathy, Executive Director of the Bucks County Women’s Fund, focused her page on this worthy non-profit, while Mike, an insufferable egomaniac, has devoted his page to himself. Sadly, both pages are in need of friends (not surprisingly, in Mike’s case). Family and friends with their own Facebook pages are encouraged to send a Friend request. Search for “Bucks County Women’s Fund” or “Mike Beveridge.” Please.

Top left: Green thumber Kathy Beveridge. Left: Kale, peppers, carrots, lettuce, and peas still flourishing, despite brown thumber Mike Beveridge’s best efforts.

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SPORTS
Area Youth Thrills Baseball Fans with Arm, Bat
WARMINSTER, PA -- After enjoying the ride of a lifetime that culminated in his winning the Warminster Baseball Rookie League championship last year, local phenom Colin Beveridge had great expectiations as he began his first Intermediate League season. Like many superstars, however, he struggled in his sophomore campaign, but he also managed to provide his fans with several memorable moments. Colin’s biggest challenge was handling the transition from the pitching machine to live kid-pitching. The variation in speed and location from pitch to pitch threw off his timing, and he struggled at the plate as the season began. “I tried to help him as much as I could,” recalled dad and biggest fan Mike Beveridge. “Every weekend we went to the diamond down the street and I pitched to him. The problem was, the nineyear-olds he was facing in games were much better than I was.” Despite his struggles, the move to kidpitching gave Colin the opportunity to realize a lifelong dream. “He’s wanted to pitch in a real game since he started playing tee-ball,” said proud mom Kathy Beveridge. “Before this, the only chance he got to pitch was in backyard wiffle ball games, but the only pitches Mike taught him were backdoor screwballs and other junk that never worked anyway.” With such a questionable teacher, it was no surprise that Colin struggled with his control on the mound. “Yeah, he ‘hit the bull’ quite a bit those first few games,” Mike admitted. “For a while, the only safe place to stand in the batter’s box was on the plate.” However, Colin’s hard work paid off in spectacular fashion as the season entered its final third. In one game, Colin took the mound in the bottom of the last inning in a tie game knowing that giving up a single run meant losing. He responded by striking out the side to preserve the tie. In another dire situation, he came to the plate in the last inning with the bases loaded and his team trailing by four and launched a majestic game-tying grand slam. “I always told him, ‘Swing hard in case you hit it,’” Mike said. “He went against my own hitting style by opening his eyes, but it seemed to work for him.” Energized by Colin’s performances, his teammates went on to win both games in extra innings, and Colin came out of the season with an even greater love for baseball. “I’d like to be a Major League player someday,” the wunderkind said. “Or maybe a coach, so I can help teach people the basic skills of baseball. You know, people like my dad.”

RHP Colin Beveridge set to unleash a devastating fastball, a pitch with so much movement that hitters don’t know where it’s going. Unfortunately, neither does Colin.

Local Boy Now Holds Pants Up with Purple Belt
WARMINSTER, PA -- Local ninja Keenan Beveridge continued his march toward black belt excellence this past November by earning his purple belt in front of a packed house. The star pupil impressed family and onlookers by performing a flawless kata routine in sync with his other classmates, prompting his parents to wonder if he was leading a double life. “The kid was amazing. He followed Sensei Joe’s instructions with laser precision and performed a ten-step routine from memory,” marveled shocked mother Kathy Beveridge. “And yet he couldn’t remember to turn off the bathroom light if his life depended on it.” After modeling his new accessory, Keenan announced that he was moving to the intermediate class to begin his black belt pursuit in earnest. “I am committed to achieving my goals,” he stated in a recent interview, “and I will follow the black-belt principles of Modesty, Courtesy, Integrity, Self-Control, Perseverance, and Indomitable Spirit.” “Yeah, those are great principles,” agreed confused father Mike Beveridge. “I was thinking of asking Sensei to add a few more principles to the list, like ‘Brush Your Teeth When You’re Told’ or ‘Put Your Clothes in the Hamper.’ The kid can break a board with his palm, but apparently his plate is too heavy to carry to the sink after dinner. Maybe he should wear the purple belt around the house.” Despite his parents’ frustration, Keenan has shown flashes of industriousness since receiving his new belt. Hoping to open his own dojo and teach kung fu to a new generation of students, he wrote and posted the following ad: Want to learn how to do kung fu? Meet Keenan Is very kung fuey The young sensei’s optimism was tested when he received no takers after several weeks. “I tried to explain that with the economic slowdown, families were scaling back on their discretionary spending,” Kathy stated. “Plus, I told him that hanging the sign on our fridge wasn’t the way to reach the widest audience. It’s too bad, because it really is a great ad. In fact, I think it’s a haiku.” Undaunted, Keenan vowed to press on in his quest to share black belt excellence with the world. “Keen will make his mark on the world someday,” Mike predicted, “and when people think of him, they will always remember that he was very kung fuey. Very kung fuey, indeed.”

Kung fu master Keenan Beveridge’s call for disciples.

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December 2008

SPORTS
Hats Off to Local Boy on Return to Soccer Glory
WARMINSTER, PA – When Keenan Beveridge first signed up to play for the Fireballs in the under-nine Rookie League of the Warminster Soccer Club, fans saw several obstacles standing between him and success. First, Beveridge’s initial foray into the world of youth soccer, as a five-year-old back in the fall of 2006, was not a smashing success [See “Rookie Athlete Takes Soccer World by Storm,” Beveridge Family News, 2006]. Although he showed flashes of brilliance in that first season, Keenan’s major preoccupations were the color of his uniform and getting his snack after every game. Second, he rejoined the league after a year layoff, after which he was bound to be rusty. “Actually, he held out as part of a contract negotiation,” recalled Keenan’s agent and father, Mike. “It wasn’t until halfway through the season that we realized he wasn’t under contract, and by then it was too late to join a team.” Third, on the first day of practice Keenan’s father and former agent, Mike, was drafted into an assistant coaching role by head coach Steve McDevitt. Given Mike’s infamous history as a head basketball coach [see related story, inset], soccer fans could see things ending badly for Keenan as well as his team. Despite the long odds against him, Keenan electrified the soccer world with a breakthrough performance. Placed on the front line in his first season of eighton-eight soccer, he ranked among the team leaders in scoring with nine goals on the season. The highlight came midway through the season when he tallied a hat trick to lead his team to victory. “I had full confidence that Keenan would have a great season,” recalled proud mother Kathy Beveridge. “He had two more years of maturity since his last soccer experience, and his karate program kept him in good shape during his layoff. And since Coach Steve had Mike working with the defense, I figured it would hard for him to screw up the offense.” Unfortunately for Keenan and his team, the objective of soccer is to score more goals than the opponent, which means that good defense is essential to success. Despite their heroic efforts, the defensive players were unable to overcome their coach’s bad mojo, and the Fireballs struggled to protect leads. “You score seven goals in a game, you figure you have a good shot at winning,” noted a despondent Coach Steve. “But when Mike is your last defense, pretty soon you realize that no lead is safe.” With their exciting brand of quick strike soccer, the Fireballs overcame early-season struggles to finish with a 57 record. While their goal of a championship may have eluded their grasp, Keenan and his teammates were excited to achieve a more important goal. “I got a trophy!” he shouted joyfully at the end-of-season celebration. “It lights up and everything! This is way cool!” When asked how a 5-7 team could have earned a trophy, Kathy was fierce in her defense. “Hey, no need to question it. I paid the registration fee, and my kid is getting a trophy. End of story.”

Keenan Beveridge and his hard-earned trophy.

Area Coach on the Hot Seat after Consecutive Winless Seasons
WARMINSTER, PA -- Youth basketball coach Mike Beveridge began preparations for his third season at the helm of his son Colin’s team while still searching for his first career victory, despite rumblings that his job may be in jeopardy. Beveridge already made concessions to keep his job as last year’s numbing campaign stumbled to a close, agreeing to be stripped of his general manager role so he could concentrate on coaching. As training camp began in early December, however, it looked as though he might also be stripped of his father role. Unnamed sources within the family have confirmed rumors that superstar Colin will demand a trade to a new family if the upcoming season begins the way the last two ended. Despite his son’s mutinous intentions, Beveridge refused to dwell on the controversy or his 0-28 record as a head coach, preferring instead to remain positive during a recent press conference after the team’s first practice. “Look, Colin just wants to win. We all just want to win,” he pointed out, responding with “Next question” when reporters asked him if he had any idea how to win. “I’m actually happy to not have to worry about the general manager responsibilities, and if I give up my father position that just frees me to me focus on coaching to the best of my ability. And hey,” he noted, “at least I still get to keep my husband job, right?” When asked to comment, family CEO Kathy Beveridge stated that “Mike is my husband at the moment, and there are no immediate plans to change that. However, we will be evaluating the entire organization after the season is over.”

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Local Boy Teaches Self to Ride Bike: Father No Longer Needed
WARMINSTER, PA – Keenan Beveridge just couldn’t wait any longer. After receiving a new two-wheeler bike last Christmas while his old bike still had training wheels, he languished for months watching his brother ride up and down the street. He had been itching to learn how to ride on two wheels, but bad weather, basketball coaching, and family commitments on the weekends had prevented his father, area resident Mike Beveridge, from teaching him. One Friday afternoon in February, while waiting for Mike to get home from work, Keenan decided to take matters into his own hands. “He’s out on the sidewalk twitching like he’s about to explode,” recalled proud mother Kathy Beveridge. “Suddenly, he runs up to the garage, pulls out the bike, and asks me to help him get on. He falls once, gets back on, wobbles, and then he just takes off down the street. It was amazing.” Mike was slightly less excited by the news, taking Keenan’s personal victory as a vote of no-confidence in his abilities as a dad. “Running behind the bike is what the dad does,” he lamented. “And since he won’t need to tie a necktie for another six or seven years, he basically has no use for me now. It was hard enough to get him to put his clothes in the hamper before, but now he’s got no incentive to do what I say.” Kathy was more sympathetic in her assessment. “He’s a little older than Colin was when he first learned to ride, and his bike is a little smaller than Colin’s, so it fits him better. Even if he had waited for Mike it would have been a quick lesson anyway. Mike does a lot of important things for the boys. Nothing specific comes to mind at the moment, but I’m sure there’s got to be something.” Despite his wife’s reassurances, Mike refused to be convinced. “They don’t need me at all. And Kath doesn’t have much use for me, either. As soon as they invent a tool to open jars and kill spiders, she’ll drop me like a bad habit.” When told of Mike’s comments, Kathy was intrigued. “A tool to open jars? And kill spiders? Have you seen this tool? Where can I order one?”

Keenan Beveridge, leaving his father in the dust.

Area Youth Takes Up Violin in Attempt to Enhance Sad Face
WARMINSTER, PA -- Increasingly frustrated by the failure of his sad face to have any effect on his parents’ decisions regarding bedtime and extra dessert, local youth Colin Beveridge has resorted to a fiendishly clever strategy—learning the violin so that he can provide a melancholy soundtrack to his pleading. For over a year Beveridge—along with his brother, Keenan—had seen his puppydog-eyed pleas inspire laughter instead of tears in his parents [see “Local Urchins’ Sad Faces Unintentionally Hilarious to Parents,” Beveridge Family News, December 2007]. Hoping that the sound of his violin strings could pull their heartstrings, Colin signed up for lessons at Willow Dale Elementary School and began practicing every day. After two months he found that he truly enjoying playing, “especially the sad songs. In fact, I’m working on an original composition,” Colin noted excitedly after a recent practice. “It’s called ‘Can I Pleeeeeease Have a Cookie?’” “I think Colin’s sad music will really make my puppy-dog eyes look even sadder,” noted Keenan, who has begged almost daily since Thanksgiving for a Nintendo Wii video game for Christmas, only to rebuffed each time. “If that doesn’t work, we’ll find a doctor to transplant actual puppy dog eyes into our heads.” Despite the boys’ efforts, a recent interview with their parents did not provide encouraging news. “Yeah, the violin makes pretty sad music, but those faces they make are freaking hilarious,” noted the boys mother, Kathy. “He’s getting better every day, but if he wants to stay up for five more minutes at bedtime he needs to take up a sadder instrument, like maybe the cello.”

Keenan and Colin’s puppy-dog eyes. Left: Without violin, totally hilarious. Right: With violin, heartbreakingly sad.

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December 2008

Area Phillies Fan Uncertain How to Cope with World Series Victory
PHILADELPHIA, PA -- The Philadelphia Phillies are the 2008 World Champions of baseball—a development that local resident and lifelong fan Mike Beveridge is having trouble comprehending. “The end of the baseball season is usually an emotional time, but this time I have a feeling that I can’t identify,” Mike recalled in late October, after the Phillies defeated the Tampa Bay Rays in five games to claim only its second world championship in the 125-year history of the franchise. “It’s not depression or anger or even despair. I guess I would describe it as ‘un-disappointment.’ It feels neat; kind of tickles inside.” Beveridge had become very familiar with depression, anger, and despair during the 28 years since the Phillies won their last title, enduring 26 seasons of mediocrity and two seasons of playoff heartbreak. The low-water mark came in 1993, when the Phillies took a 6-5 lead into the bottom of the ninth inning of Game 6 of the World Series, only to see their season end on the second-ever Series-clinching walk-off home run in baseball history. “I always assumed that’s what the playoffs were for,” Mike noted. “To break the monotony of disappointing seasons with occasional glimmers of false hope.”

But the Phillies’ thrilling victory, delivered by a core group of players all entering their prime, have raised the possibility of a scenario that their fans had never imagined: sustained excellence. “My son Colin is nine years old,” Mike stated on October 31, the day two million people descended on Broad Street for a championship parade, “and in his entire living memory the Phillies have been great. A victory like this could teach him that all good things are possible in life if you just believe. I’m

not sure what to think about that; seems like a dangerous idea to put in a kid’s head.” When asked if she shared her husband’s concern that a small taste of success would leave their son unprepared for the inevitable disappointments of life as a sports fan, Kathy Beveridge was confused. “Disappointment? I’m not sure what you mean,” she said, with a glowing smile on her face. “I’m a Steelers fan.”
Top: The front page of the Philadelphia Inquirer on October 30, the morning after the Phillies confounded fans everywhere by winning the 2008 World Series. Far left: Mike, Keenan, and Colin Beveridge sporting their rally hats on the Series-clinching night of October 29, Inexplicably, the hats worked. Left: Colin Beveridge celebrates the Phils’ clinching of the National League East, an improbable event that sparked an impossible run.