Beveridge Family News

Volume 5, Issue 1 Holiday Edition December 2009

Area Woman Launches Consulting Business
WARMINSTER, PA – In an uncertain economy, most businesses see danger and scale back. Local entrepreneur Kathy Beveridge saw an opportunity to strike out on her own, launching her own consulting business. Beveridge is the Founder and President of the brand-new Spark Nonprofit Consulting, which helps nonprofits become more effective and financially sustainable. ―I support nonprofit leaders in their fund development, strategy setting, community engagement, and board-building efforts,‖ Beveridge stated in a recent interview. ―And since I work out of our house, I can do it all in my pajamas.‖ Even more than the appeal of taking conference calls in her fuzzy slippers, it was the opportunity to work near home that convinced Beveridge to launch her new endeavor. During her tenure as Executive Director of the Bucks County Women‘s Fund, she enjoyed being home when her two boys, Colin and Keenan, got on the school bus in the morning and when they arrived home after school. The desire to preserve that after-school time was a major factor in her decision to pursue self-employment. ―It‘s really great seeing Mom when I get off the bus,‖ said ten-year-old Colin. ―She helps Keenan and me with our homework, makes us snacks, and reads with us on rainy days. Of course, now that she‘s a consultant, she charges us twentyfive bucks an hour to do all that stuff.‖ While Beveridge‘s husband Mike supported her decision to hang up her shingle, he admitted that he wrestled with doubts at first. ―Well, she was about two months away from finishing up at Notre Dame,‖ he recalled, referring to Kathy‘s Master‘s Program in Nonprofit Administration, ―and I figured that she‘d be ready to get a job to start paying off that tuition. But she said she wanted to launch a consulting firm. Which makes perfect sense; I mean, what better time to launch a new business than during the worst recession since 1929? Then she told me about her target market—nonprofits. Brilliant. That‘s where the big money is. Nonprofits. What a freaking gold mine.‖ Despite his financial concerns, Mike had no doubt that his lovely wife was a natural for her new position. ―No one is better equipped than Kathy to advise nonprofits on the best course of action. She‘s been telling me what to do since we started dating. As long as her clients do whatever she says, they‘ll stay on course toward financial sustainability. And they won‘t have to sleep on the couch.‖ Beveridge was able to silence her husband‘s whining when her first client, Penn State-Brandywine, hired her in October to assist with their capital campaign. Brandywine‘s Chancellor, Sophia Wisniewska, knew from past experience that Kathy would be able to help. ―Kathy was Director of Development when I was Dean at Temple University Ambler, and she did a great job for me there,‖ Wisniewska recalled. ―I knew her experience would be a great help to us. Plus, I really missed bossing her around.‖ While husband Mike is happy to see new clients coming in, he remains trou-

bled by a persistent double standard. ―When I sit around the house in my pajamas, Kath calls me a no-good bum. Sure, when she works in her pajamas she‘s promoting self-sufficiency and integrity for critical community institutions, but I‘m busy, too. All those football games aren‘t going to watch themselves.‖ While Kathy derives a great deal of satisfaction from helping her clients reach sustainability, she has also enjoyed the excitement of running her own business. ―It‘s a little scary, wondering where the next client is coming from,‖ Beveridge admitted, ―but when a new one signs on it‘s an amazing rush.‖ When asked if she was engaging in marketing efforts to attract customers, Kathy admitted that ―we can‘t really afford a full-scale marketing effort yet. In fact, I spent our entire budget on a campaign to get our name in bunch of lame holiday newsletters.‖

Warm wishes for a happy and healthy new year from the Beveridge Family! Kathy, Mike Colin, and Keenan 1195 Dager Road Warminster, PA 18974 215-441-4827
michael.beveridge@aacr.org kathleen.beveridge@comcast.net

Kathy scrawls graffiti on her website, www.sparknpc.com. [Don’t ask her to write on your Facebook wall; she may take it literally. ]

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Beveridge Family News

December 2009

Armed with a World of Communication Tools, Local Man Has Nothing to Say
WARMINSTER, PA -- The technological revolution of the twenty-first century has transferred the power of publishing to the masses, giving ordinary people the ability to communicate with the world. And area man Mike Beveridge has spent the past year demonstrating why giving a voice to the masses is a really stupid idea. In his position as Director of Electronic Publishing for the American Association for Cancer Research, Beveridge makes a point to familiarize himself with all available publishing technologies— such as Facebook, Twitter, and blogs— so that he can understand the ways in which authors communicate. ―To help our authors get their message out to the world, I work with their publishing tools and get inside their heads,‖ Beveridge noted in a recent interview. ―In a sense, I become just like them.‖ No matter how much Beveridge tries to be like an author, however, there is one critical difference between them— authors actually have something to say. Beveridge got a hint of this critical difference last fall, when he set up a blog to test out the technology and determine how it could be incorporated into the AACR‘s publishing program. ―It was easy to set up,‖ he recalled. ―I created a personal blog and made my first post— the word ‗Testing‘—in a matter of minutes.‖ While it may have taken minutes to create his first blog post, the world has been waiting over a year for his second one. ―I‘ve got some ideas,‖ Beveridge said slyly. ―Any day now I‘ll have something ready.‖ A similar silence followed Beveridge‘s entry into Twitter, a microblogging platform that enables users to post brief updates on their status to anyone who chooses to follow them. Nearly a year after establishing an account, Beveridge had yet to post an update, a lack of communication made even more pronounced when he picked up an audience of two followers— cousin Jill Hobbs and friend Lisa Famularo. ―I found Mike‘s name on Twitter and signed up to receive his updates,‖ recalled Famularo, wife of Beveridge‘s childhood friend Mike Green. ―Apparently he‘s a little fuzzy on what ‗update‘ means.‖ A month after gaining an audience Beveridge posted his first ―tweet,‖ an update that wasn‘t quite worth the wait (see inset). While Beveridge‘s Twitter audience wishes he would say something, his friends on the popular social networking site Facebook wish he would just shut up. After receiving his posts for the past year, Facebook users around the world have learned that, in some cases, silence is golden. ―I use Facebook to connect with people, share information, and engage in interesting discussions,‖ stated Joe Kampherstein, one of Beveridge‘s Facebook (and actual) friends. ―Then Mike gets on and posts about some ham sandwich he had for dinner. When I read this drivel, I hope Mike‘s buying carbon offsets to make up for the electricity he‘s wasting.‖ Despite his friends‘ disappointment, Beveridge defended his right to share his thoughts. ―Hey, I‘m just trying to stay connected with the people I care about.

Mike Beveridge wasting everyone’s time. And you have to understand, that ham sandwich was awesome.‖ But while the Twitter followers must suffer his silence and the Facebook friends must endure his updates, all of them are better off than Beveridge‘s wife, Kathy. ―Sure, Joe and the others have to read Mike‘s inane comments, but they only see four or five a day. I have to listen to him yammering 24/7. And to top it off, I had to make him the damn sandwich.‖

Almost as Interesting as the Ham Sandwich Comments
A summary of the only two tweets issued by Mike Beveridge [mjbeveridge] in 2009, as part of an argument he has maintained with childhood friend Mike Green [mikogreen] since they were nine years old— over which Tastykake Kandy Kake snack treats are better, chocolate or peanut butter (it‘s chocolate): From Mike Green, 5:59 PM October 20 @TastyBakingCo settle a decades old dispute between @mikogreen & @mjbeveridge. which is the superior kandy kake: pb or choc? pick one. From TastyKake Baking Co., 1:14 PM October 21 @mikogreen @mjbeveridge: Tough choice! We‘re going with the Tastykake Peanut Butter Kandy Kake because it‘s our best selling treat. From Mike Green, 2:29 PM October 21 thanks @TastyBakingCo. @mikogreen & peanut butter kandykake win! @mjbeveridge can take the choc kandykake & shove it! From Mike Beveridge, 6:26 PM October 30 @mikogreen @TastyBakingCo: Shame on you for pandering, TastyBakingCo! Just because something is popular doesn't make it right. From Mike Beveridge, 6:27 PM October 30 @mikogreen @TastyBakingCo: Two kinds of people in this world: Those who prefer Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes, and decent, God-fearing folks.

December 2009

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Hoops Coach Continues Drive Toward Mediocrity
WARMINSTER, PA -- Where was the parade?
That was the one thought on the mind of embattled coach Mike Beveridge as his Warminster Dark Riders ended a season that he considered a tour de force—a 6-8-1 season that included a playoff victory. Unfortunately, while the community thrilled to Beveridge‘s achievement after years of waiting, h is players were less than impressed. When local superstar Colin Beveridge heard the news that his father had been retained by the Warminster Basketball Association for another season on the hot seat, he knew one thing for sure— they wouldn‘t take anyone lightly. Enduring an 0-28 record over two endless seasons, he had learned to respect every opponent—although he hadn‘t learned much about playing basketball. That expectation of failure made it all the more shocking when the Dark Riders, leveraging the high-level talent obtained from two years of top draft picks, stunned the basketball world by winning their first game of the season. ―It was the greatest moment of my life,‖ recalled Beveridge, grinning like the blind squirrel who had finally found his acorn. ―I wanted to stop playing right then and preserve our perfect season.‖ Unfortunately for the Dark Riders, the games just kept coming. The team lost their next three games, and Colin prepared himself for another lost season. But a strange thing happened; for every game or two they lost, Colin and his teammates managed to overcome his father‘s incompetence and win one. For the coach, the ups and downs made for the ride of his life. ―Colin and I experienced a lot of things our first two seasons,‖ he noted, ―like working as a team, building character, and bringing joy to our opponents. But the thrill of almost winning every other game? I‘d never felt anything like it before.‖ The Dark Riders rode the roller coaster all the way into the playoffs where, true to form, they won one game and lost two. After their elimination by the eventual league champions, Coach Mike was optimistic. ―I have big dreams for next season. We‘ve been working toward this goal for three years now, and I know in my heart that next year it‘s going to happen—we‘re going to win as many games as we lose.‖ Unfortunately, Beveridge‘s players didn‘t share his sanguine view of the future. ―This is what happens in the NBA,‖ said power forward Kyle Sweeney, whose father John served a term of three hard years as Mike‘s assistant coach. ―We get kicked out of the playoffs early, and now we can‘t get a high draft pick. We‘ll be just good enough to stink for the rest of our careers. Or until Coach Mike learns to gameplan his way out of a paper bag.‖ While Beveridge was eager to continue matching wits with that paper bag, a worn-down Colin had other plans. More interested in playing soccer and spring and fall baseball, the prodigy announced after the season that he would taking a sabbatical from the hardwood in 2010. ―I want to stress that this has nothing to do with my dad,‖ Colin noted at his press conference. ―I just want to focus on other sports. And other coaches.‖

Bringing the Magic to the Soccer Field
WARMINSTER, PA -- Area superstar Keenan Beveridge‘s long athletic career is long on great performances but short on hardware. While he has thrilled fans with his soccer prowess ever since his 3on-3 debut three years ago, he has never experienced the ultimate sporting moment. After watching his brother raise a championship trophy on two different occasions, Keenan has made winning a title his ultimate goal—and he has decided that he can‘t reach that goal with Mike Beveridge as his coach. The Warminster Soccer Association‘s Lightning Bolts franchise saw their season go off the rails even before it began. A shortage of coaches led the league office to put out a call for assistance, and unfortunately for Keenan his father answered the call. ―We didn‘t really have a choice,‖ Keenan recalled in a recent interview. ―It was either let Dad be our coach or fold the team. And we couldn‘t get our registration fees back, so we decided to give it a try.‖ After a 2008 soccer campaign with Mike in an assistant coach role, Keenan had already had a taste of his father‘s coaching abilities—a bitter taste, seasoned with defeat. But while Keenan was apprehensive about the looming season, his father was eager for a fresh start. ―It took three seasons and 36 losses with Colin, but I came to the conclusion that coaching basketball isn‘t my strong suit,‖ the elder Beveridge confessed in an interview during training camp. ―So I figured, hey, different kid, different sport. It‘s a new opportunity for me.‖ Unfortunately for Keenan, coaching a different kid in a different sport yielded much of the same results, as the Lightning Bolts lost their first game 6-1 and went on to lose their next three en route to a 2-6-2 season. ―I had a bad feeling at our first practice, when Dad was showing us how to dribble through some cones and he slipped and fell on his butt,‖ he admitted during the season postmortem. ―Then he slipped and fell on his butt two other times during pregame warm-ups when he was showing us how to take corner kicks. I would say that his pratfalls proved to be an apt metaphor for the peripatetic nature of our season, but eight-year-olds don‘t talk like that. So I‘ll just say it stunk big-time.‖ While taking their lumps on the scoreboard, the Bolts managed to overcome Mike‘s coaching and play stronger as the season went on. In addition to his offensive firepower, Keenan discovered a knack for playing goalie, making several big saves that kept close losses from turning into blowouts. His performance earned him a place on the Warminster Select Tournament team, which placed second in an all-day tournament in November. When asked to explain the difference between his difficult season with the Bolts and his glorious day at the tournament, Keenan was frank. ―We had a different coach at the tournament. You do the math.‖

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Beveridge Family News

December 2009

Local Youths Take Sad Faces to Next Level with Cello Lessons
WARMINSTER, PA – The puppy-dog eyes alone didn‘t work. Adding the violin didn‘t help, either. Now, frustrated area waifs Keenan and Colin Beveridge have unleashed the nuclear option. Previous stories have reported on the inability of the Beveridge brothers to inspire pity in their parents using their sad faces (Beveridge Family News, December 2007) and on Colin‘s failed attempt to enhance the power of the faces by taking violin lessons and adding a pathetic soundtrack to the display (BFN, December 2008). As he returned to school in September after a summer without extended bedtimes and extra cookies, Keenan was ready for drastic measures. ―In third grade we get to take music lessons, and they let us pick an instrument,‖ he recalled. ―I said, ‗Give me the saddest thing you‘ve got.‘‖ Fifth-grader Colin had high hopes when his brother brought home the new instrument. ―He got on the bus with that cello strapped to his back, and I was fired up,‖ Colin remembered. ―Just watching him lug it around made you feel sorry for him. Once he learned to play it, and I whipped out the sad face, I figured Mom and Dad would cave in a heartbeat. Nothing is sadder than cello music.‖ Unfortunately, his teacher‘s musical selections didn‘t help Keenan‘s cause. ―I walked into the kitchen the other day after school, and the boys are standing there asking if they can play video games,‖ recalled the boys‘ mother, Kathy. ―I told them they couldn‘t play on a school night, and all of a sudden Colin hits me with his mopey face. I felt a little bad for him, but then Keenan grabs the cello and starts playing ‗Mary Had a Little Lamb.‘ Cute, but no video games for them.‖ Left column: Colin and Keenan demonstrate their unaccompanied sad faces, 2007. Top right column: Colin adds a violin to the act, 2008. Bottom right column: Mike and Kathy don’t stand a chance in 2009 as Keenan unleashes his cello , the saddest of all the instruments. Another song in Keenan‘s repertoire did inspire powerful emotions, but sympathy was not one of them. ―He also learned to play the theme from Jaws,‖ Kathy stated. After a week of hearing that I was afraid to get in the tub, but the boys still didn‘t get any extra ice cream.‖ When he heard Keenan play for the first time, the boys‘ father, Mike, had dollar signs in his eyes instead of tears. ―If he becomes a professsional cellist, it could take him to amazing new places. Like first chair in the London Philharmonic. Or a gig playing the background music on Law & Order.‖ While waiting for his symphonic career to take off so he can buy his own cookies, Keenan plans to go back to the drawing board with Colin to find a way to play their parents‘ heartstrings. ―Let‘s face it; we‘re ten and eight years old now, and we‘re not a cute as we used to be,‖ lamented Colin. ―We need to find a gimmick that will maximize the power of our puppy-dog eyes. At this point, I‘m thinking that we should add some actual puppies.‖

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Area Family Celebrates Seventy Years of Dad Being Dad
WARMINSTER, PA – Local man Tom Beveridge had been the loudest person in the room for seventy years, but on September 13 he was speechless. That was the day his family—wife Theresa and sons Jim, Mike, and Dan—got the drop on him with a surprise birthday party at a local restaurant. Dozens of family members gathered to wish Tom well and listen to a special tribute from his sons (inset). Surrounded by loved ones and sharing memories, the Beveridge patriarch was philosophical. ―I‘ve had seventy years of ups and downs, and in all that time I can honestly say I have no regrets. I wouldn‘t change a thing.‖ ―Yeah, we were worried about him figuring it out and ruining the surprise,‖ son Mike recalled in a recent interview. ―Lucky for us, he‘s so addled by old age that he‘ll believe anything you tell him.‖ ―We really shocked him,‖ added eldest son Jim. ―I haven‘t seen him so surprised since he broke 120 on the golf course.‖ Youngest son Dan agreed, noting that ―when we yelled ‗Surprise!‘ his hair stood on end. At least I think it did. With that perm, it‘s hard to tell sometimes.‖ When told of his sons‘ comments, Tom revised his earlier statement. ―Actually, I have three regrets. And if it weren‘t for the fact that they‘re the legal guardians of my grandchildren, I‘d have gotten rid of them years ago.‖

Remarks delivered by Jim, Mike, and Dan Beveridge in honor of Tom at his 70th birthday party:
On behalf of Mom, Jim, and Dan, we‘d like to thank everyone for being here today to celebrate Dad‘s 70th birthday. We‘re so glad you could make it, and we‘re grateful to receive birthday wishes from so many people who know dad in so many different ways. To his brother and sister, Uncle Jim and Aunt Eileen, and to his cousin, Aunt Katie, he is the baby of the family, the smallest kid who always had the biggest mouth—even if he eventually grew so tall that he had to bend down so Nana could yell at him. To his nieces and nephews, he is Uncle Tom, who refused to let a thunderstorm ruin the fun of family picnics, even if it meant playing horseshoes in a downpour and yelling ―It never rains in Holland! That‘s just a heavy dew!‖ To his old crowd from Olney, he is Tommy, who has never forgotten his friends from the neighborhood— and, unfortunately, who has also never forgotten the words to ―Up a Lazy River, By the Old Mill Stream.‖ To his golfing friends, he is Tom, who‘s never had a bad day on the course, despite leaving dozens of balls behind in lakes and oceans all over the country and around the world. To his grandchildren, Caitlin, Tommy, Keenan, and Colin, he is Pop-Pop, who, in spite of his tough talk, is wrapped around their little fingers. To Mom, he is a husband and partner of more than 45 years, who worked with her to give their children everything but never forgot to take time to enjoy it. And to Jim and Joanne, to Kathy and Mike, and to Dan and Stephanie, he is Dad, who treats his daughters-in-law like they were his daughters; who walked to school in blizzards as a kid but now won‘t step in a swimming pool that‘s below 91 degrees; who along with Mom helped us in more ways than we can mention and gave us more than we could ever repay; and most importantly, who taught us the importance of family like all of you. Dad: You‘ve been all these things to all these people for seventy years, and we know we speak for everyone when we tell you that we‘re blessed to have you in our lives. Happy Birthday.

Top: Tom Beveridge (center), with sister Eileen and brother Jim, in Year 3 of 70. Middle: Surprise! Bottom: The Beveridge family celebrates.

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December 2009

Family Vacation Gives Rise to Next Generation of Evil
DEEP CREEK LAKE, MD – It had been a long time (four years) since the Beveridge family of Warminster, PA had joined the Welshes in Deep Creek Lake for a family vacation. So long, in fact, that local property values had nearly recovered from their last visit. Back in 2005, Colin and Keenan Beveridge and their cousins, Henry and Aidan Welsh, wreaked untold havoc on the placid mountain resort while their helpless parents looked on. However, the summer of 2009 marked the rise of a new generation of miscreants, as cousins Jonah Marincic, Ben Quolke, and Harlan Welsh began their own reign of terror. ―We were planning to give the new guys a few pointers on keeping their parents awake and the best times to pelt their grandparents with water balloons,‖ recalled Henry Welsh, brother of Harlan and spokesperson for the WelshBeveridge cousins. ―But after the first day it was pretty clear they didn‘t need our advice. Plus, I didn‘t want to get too close. Those guys scare me.‖ Henry‘s cousin Colin Beveridge was more philosophical. ―Henry, Aidan, Keenan, and I have been the bad boys of the family for years now. But we‘re getting older, and we can‘t terrorize the grownups like we did in the good old days. It‘s time for the kids to have their chance. I guess you could say this week was a passing of the torch to Ben, Jonah, and Harlan. That‘s just an expression, of course. For God‘s sake, don‘t give those three an actual torch. They‘re crazy, man.‖ Colin‘s observations about the passage of time proved to be prophetic when, halfway through the week, he was laid up with a broken toe and was unable to fulfill his duties as master of pain. But even with his limited mobility, Colin still managed to torture his father, conning Mike into carrying him all over the lake. ―I didn‘t mind lugging him down to the shoreline every morning and back up the steps to the deck every afternoon,‖ Mike recalled. ―But when he wanted to go water skiing, I drew the line. It‘s hard enough keeping my balance on skis without him hanging on my neck.‖ Colin‘s brother Keenan admired his ability to annoy their father in spite of his injury. ―That was awesome. Dad has been many things to us throughout our lives—personal jester, butler, and taxi driver. But pack mule? Colin just took it to another level.‖ Backache aside, Mike was unusually optimistic as the vacation came to a close. ―Sure, my kids are a constant burden, but every day that goes by is a step closer to the day they move out. And while Ben, Jonah, and Harlan are certainly terrifying, they‘re not my kids. If I can survive Colin and Keenan, I can survive anything.‖ When told of Mike‘s comments, Harlan‘s response was brief. ―Uncle Mike escaped this time. But we‘ll be back.‖

Top: Colin Beveridge shows off the broken toe he milked for three days. Middle: Keenan Beveridge takes a break from torturing his parents. Bottom: The Welsh family managed to get all of the kids to sit still for one group photo. Bottom row, from left: The new bad boys— Ben Quolke, Jonah Marincic, and Harlan Welsh.