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EDITING PORTFOLIO

Gabrielle Goodloe

ENC 4212 Professional Editing
April 30, 2015

Editorial Values Statement
My first editing experiences came from examining my own work. Back in high school,
writing wasn’t something I was comfortable with early on. My writing had always been limited
to the formulaic essays every student struggled through during required state tests. So many
teachers had drilled into my mind and my peers the importance of the five paragraph format: an
introduction, 3 details, and a conclusion. It wasn’t until my 11th grade English teacher decided to
teach us how to properly sculpt an essay that I began to think a lot more carefully and
thoughtfully about what I wrote. My writing process after that involved writing a paragraph,
carefully studying it and tweaking it until it was just right.
As I became more comfortable with writing, I tried to branch out and do other types
writing that would challenge me. I took a class where I wrote articles for the school’s newspaper
with a team of other students. Being a part of it allowed me to study the writing of others and
adapt my own writing to another genre. I wasn’t the editor of the paper, but I took over the role
over since the official editor didn’t seem interested. Occasionally my teacher allowed me to look
over the work of others, help them where they were unsure of what to add, and correct any issues
I found. That’s the point when I knew what I wanted to go into.
Moving into college, my experiences expanded to include peer editing for composition
classes. A news reporting course also allowed me to work with my peers on improving their
work, and I took that opportunity to actually give constructive criticism because it would help
their grade. This semester, I finally got to experience what it was like to be a professional editor
with all of the various documents we were able to work on. From working with peers on personal
documents to working collaboratively on multifaceted projects, it’s learning to compromise and
the skills needed to work as an editor. Saller’s words from The Subversive Copy Editor were a
great reminder to me that working as an editor isn’t solitary work where I’m always expected to
be an expert on everything. Combined effort is truly the key to accomplishing anything because

others can lend expertise or perspective I would have never considered. I’ve always been really
geared towards working in the publishing industry and the opportunity to select the pieces I
wanted with the final portfolio allowed me to explore something I’d been interested in for years:
editing with self-published authors. The longer piece I chose needed a comprehensive edit that
was really detailed and I was able to prove to myself that I was able to do this work I had always
thought about, but never actively did.
Whenever I am allowed to go in-depth with someone’s work, I get excited that I can be
helpful to them in that way. I do genuinely like writing, but I think I’ve always liked looking
over the work of others more. To me “being an editor” is helping someone move toward
improvement, whether it’s through fixing small grammatical things or guiding them correct
larger issues that affect the entire work. I know some don’t like the connotation of an editor as
someone just fixing grammar issues, but why should we let others perceptions bother us as long
as the finished product is in the best condition it can be?
With an editorial role, I value the trust a writer places in me to help them honestly. I
would hope the writer knows my intent is not to make them feel bad, but to make the work more
consistent and cohesive for the reader. I think it is important for editors to possess traits like
empathy, patience, flexibility, and eyes for the small details and the big picture. Writing can be a
personal, sensitive practice for people. As a writer myself I don’t like criticism, but I understand
how necessary it can be if I want to produce the best work. Editors need to understand that as
they deliver corrections and they need to be flexible to take the writer’s ideas into consideration.
A lot of people think editors are only interested in the small things: grammar, comma usage, etc.
Editing can involve those, but those are not as important as making sure the piece makes sense. I
am a reader first and foremost so I appreciate good, thoughtful work. If something is great, I’ll

pick it up more than once just to allow myself to experience it again and make connections I
haven’t noticed in my other readings.
My goals as an editor are very similar to my goals as a writer: I want to make sure my
work is as clear as possible for the reader. I am always very careful in my own work to think of
the audience and to think about whether I am conveying my ideas clearly enough. In my editorial
work, my personality has helped sculpt my powers of observation. I spend a lot of time reading
the work of published and unpublished authors who post on the internet. That combination has
allowed me to gain skills of assessing why I like works and things that could be improved upon
for the works I’m not fond of. As I’ve only gotten to work with academic essays and newspaper
articles, I’m better in those genres, but I would eventually love to move into book editing and
working with authors to develop their ideas since I’ve been doing that in my head for years. I
would like to expand the types of texts and genres I work within. I have been able to begin
working on memos, working with potential clients, and moving beyond just the writing on the
page to also analyze things rhetorically to see from the audience’s perspective. The longer piece I
selected gave me the first real taste of what it would be like to work on developmental writing
and I focused completely on giving the author constructive feedback with consideration to my
own role as the audience. Although I’m just beginning to become more comfortable working on
developmental work, I’m thankful that this class has given me a chance to step up and become
more involved with my goals.

Original Piece #1
Listen to science, get some sleep
Sleep deprivation is one of the terrible epidemics of the modern era.
Its effects are pernicious and wide-ranging: Sleep insufficiency, the clinical term for the
condition, is implicated in memory loss, concentration difficulties, mood disorders and even
obesity, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
“Sleep is increasingly recognized as important to public health, with sleep insufficiency linked to
motor vehicle crashes, industrial disasters and medical and other occupational errors,” the CDC
reported.
Recent studies have shown that nearly 70 million U.S. adults suffer from some form of sleep
disorder. The CDC recommends between seven to eight hours of sleep per night, but more than
40 percent of adults between the ages of 18 and 49 achieve fewer than six hours of sleep per
night; and a similar number report that they would “feel better” with more sleep, according to a
2013 Gallup poll.
This number jumps among college students, where more than 60 percent fail to achieve adequate
sleep, according to a study by the University of Alabama.
Poor sleep patterns were indicated in poorer grades, binge drinking and even dropout rates,
according to a similar study by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine.
“Results show that sleep timing and maintenance problems in college students are a strong
predictor of academic problems, even after controlling for other factors that contribute to
academic success, such as clinical depression, feeling isolated and diagnosis with a learning
disability or chronic health issue. The study also found that sleep problems have about the same
impact on grade point average as binge drinking and marijuana use,” according to the study.
So get some sleep!
In the immortal words of Bill Murray: You perform at your best when you’re relaxed.

“You have to remind yourself that you can do the very best you can when you’re very, very
relaxed, no matter what it is, whatever your job is. The more relaxed you are, the better you are,”
he said.
You can’t relax if you’re constantly exhausted from juggling school, work, internships and a
social life. Take a break! Kick back! Watch Netflix and eat ice cream and be lazy.
It may not save your life, but it sure might improve it.

Edited Piece # 1
Listen to science, get some sleep
Sleep deprivation is a growing one of the terrible epidemics of the modern era.
Its effects are pernicious wicked and wide-ranging;: Ssleep insufficiency, the clinical term for the
condition, is implicated in may cause memory loss, difficulty concentratingon difficulties, mood
disorders and even obesity, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
“Sleep is increasingly recognized as important to public health, with sleep insufficiency linked to
motor vehicle crashes, industrial disasters and medical and other occupational errors,” the CDC
reported.
Recent studies have shown that nearly 70 million AmericanU.S. adults suffer from some form of
a sleep disorder. The CDC recommends between seven to eight hours of sleep per night, but
more than 40 percent of adults between the ages of 18 and 49 sleepachieve fewer than six hours
of sleep per night.; and a similar number report that they would “feel better” with more sleep,
according to a 2013 Gallup poll.
This number jumps among college students, where as more than 60 percent fail to achieve
receive adequate sleep, according to a study by the University of Alabama.
Another study by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine reported Ppoor sleep patterns were
indicated in poorer grades, binge drinking and even dropout rates., according to a similar study
by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine.
“Results show that sleep timing and maintenance problems in college students are a strong
predictor of academic problems, even after controlling for other factors that contribute to
academic success, such as clinical depression, feeling isolated and diagnosis with a learning
disability or chronic health issue”., the study reported.
The study also found that sleep problems have about the same impact on grade point average as
binge drinking and marijuana use.,” according to the study.
So get some sleep!
In the immortal words of Bill Murray: “You perform at your best when you’re relaxed.”

“You have to remind yourself that you can do the very best you can when you’re very, very
relaxed, no matter what it is, whatever your job is. The more relaxed you are, the better you are,”
he Murray said.
You can’t relax if you’re constantly exhausted from juggling school, work, internships and a
social life. Take a break! Kick back! Watch Netflix and eat ice cream and be lazy.

It may not save your life, but it sure might improve it.Transmittal Letter # 1
Dear Contributor,
I have finished editing your opinion piece in the Central Florida Future. Your piece was edited
thoroughly for consistency, accuracy, and correctness while also keeping in mind that this is an
opinion piece. While other articles in the Central Florida Future must maintain an unbiased voice
throughout, opinion pieces are unique in that the author’s voice adds to the information. I made
adjustments using the AP Stylebook as a resource and guide all throughout the document. Edits
were made for punctuation, word phrasing, and other general clarity concerns.
Below I have compiled a list of major changes I suggest for your opinion piece in order of
importance. Other minor changes and queries have been made right on the document.
1. This is an opinion piece, but there isn’t much of your opinion in this piece. Beyond the
small inclusion at the end of the document agreeing with several studies, most of the
information comes from several sources. I suggest incorporating more of your own
personal thoughts in this piece because it currently does not read like an opinion piece.
Do you have any personal experience with this topic that would make your voice stand
apart from others and add value because it comes from you?
2. I would suggest answering some questions that your audience may ask as they read
through your piece. You’ve listed some examples of what may be inhibiting sleep, but
developing those reasons would help readers. Why aren’t college students receiving the
recommended hours of sleep each night and are there pressures on those students limiting
their ability to relax? The problem may not be so easily fixed by telling students to take a
break once in a while as there may be other factors preventing relaxation.
3. As you are quoting from numerous studies done on sleep deprivation, attributing who did
each study can come as repetitive since they all have similar information. It may be
unnecessary to include so many sources that really the say the same things in different
ways. Are there any contrary sources that may strengthen you argument? Incorporating
other sources that add dimension will give you space to address those who may think
you’ve only looked at one side of the argument.
4. The Bill Murray quote included does relate to the topic, but its inclusion seems a bit
strange as it comes out of nowhere. Bill Murray is recognized as an actor, but why
specifically are his words used over someone with a public persona more intertwined
with relation to sleep deprivation?

Please let me know if I can clarify any of the suggestions or provide any additional help. You are
welcome to contact me directly through my email Goodloe@knights.ucf.edu.
I hope you find my suggestions helpful.
Best,
Gabrielle Goodloe

Original Piece # 2
The Girl He Never Noticed by (Nei Alejandrino) Sweetdreamer33
Chapter One
“The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she
combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her
heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It's the caring
that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with
passing years.”
-Audrey Hepburn
Jade’s POV
“Good morning, Mrs. Chang. Did you sleep well last night?” I greeted my employer happily,
Mrs. Grace Chang, a 65 year-old-widow. I was concerned because she often had severe
headaches and couldn’t sleep well.
Mrs. Chang owned the small Coffee shop, in Manhattan, New York, where I got my family’s
bread and butter. I worked from eight a.m. till eight p.m. Monday to Friday as a cashier.
The place was understaff, so I often worked all around. I did the waitressing, coffee preparation,
and sometimes cleaning the place after work. I couldn’t complain, since Mrs. Chang was paying
me well. Actually, not so well, but enough for my family to eat a decent meal every day and pay
off the bill.
“Hi Jade, yes, I did. The pain reliever I took last night finally worked.” She smiled adoringly at
me.

“That good. What did the doctor say?” I asked while putting my worn-out leather bag and old
knitted coat inside a closet, and then I adjusted my black wig and took off my eyeglasses, to
clean the lenses.
“It’s just a migraine, nothing serious.”
I was relieved that she finally listened to me. I told her several times to seek medical attention,
but she wouldn’t. She had a phobia of hospitals, medical clinics, syringes and doctors. She
probably had a traumatic experience when she was a kid.
“George’s wife had a normal delivery last night.”
Really? I’m so happy for them, after five years of trying, they finally had a baby. It’s a girl,
right?” I instantly became so excited for George, the barista.
“Yes, it is. Anyway he can’t report today. Could you fill his place?”
OH. That would mean doing two jobs at the same time. Whew!
“Okay, no problem about that Mrs. Chang. I can manage.” I smiled at her assuredly and fixed my
crumpled brown floral vintage dress. Actually, it was my favorite dress and loved wearing it
often. It belonged to my grandmother, as well as most of the dresses in my closet.
It was already eight o’clock, and time for the Coffee Shop to open. I wondered why the other
employees, Suzanne and Kurt hadn’t arrived yet. Suzanne was the waitress, who took the order
and served the food. Kurt cleaned the tables, the floor and the bathroom.
Recently, I found out that Suzanne and Kurt were lovers. I caught them making out inside the
bathroom. They forgot to lock the door.

“You retard. Don’t tell Mrs. Chang about this or I’m going to break your bones.” Kurt threatened
me. He even twisted my arm behind my back. A tear suddenly fell on my cheek because of the
burning pain.
“I won’t, I promise. Let me go, please.” I pleaded and finally he let go of my arm.
“Good. Remember that.” His eyes were glaring at me angrily.
I rubbed my arm, it was so sore and my flesh turned red.
“Now, go, ugly monkey. You’re not wanted here.” Suzanne laughed and pushed me out of the
bathroom.
Yup, they often bullied me, calling me names and I was used to it. I pretended not to hear their
hurtful words. I needed my job so badly and my family relied on me, besides Mrs. Chang was a
good employer.
“Jade, I’ll be in the kitchen. Just call me if you need help.”
Sure Mrs. Chang.” I but on a black apron, getting ready for the first customer. I went inside the
bar counter and turned on, the electric cash register, as well as the coffee machines.
I learned how to prepare coffee from George, the barista. For almost a year that I’d been working
in the coffee shop, he taught me how to do the coffee art works and the techniques in preparing a
very good expresso. I learned the barista’s complete guide to coffee and embraced the knowledge
wholeheartedly.
I was cleaning the bar counter when the first customers came inside. Two men wearing black suit
and dark glasses entered the coffee shop. They reminded me of the movie, ‘Men in Black.’

I looked at the tall-clad figure of the man who came in first. He was younger than the other man.
He halted at the front door and his eyes scanned. He stood there, tall, devilishly handsome, with
a beautifully proportioned body.
I froze. My mind stopped working and my body turned numb. Something about his appearance
disturbed me. He looked vaguely familiar.
Is he a movie star, a model or a celebrity? He was probably into sports, because of his athletic
physique.
His dark glasses hid his eyes. It was impossible to find out where his eyes were focusing on. But
I was certain that he was not looking at me. He carried himself with a commanding air of self
confidence. He looked very powerful and extremely rich.
He said something to the other man, and then they strode in the room. They took their seats in the
center of the room.
I grabbed a pen and the order slip pad. I hurriedly went towards them to take their order.
“Good morning, what’s your order, sir?” I stood in front of the two men and smiled at them. I
wrote C#1, shortcut for customer number one in the order slip.
“Good morning. Can we have a cup of espresso and a café latte?” The older man removed his
dark glasses and smiled at me. He was probably in his mid forties.
My hands were trembling when I wrote their order. I didn’t why, perhaps because of the younger
man’s appearance. He looked like a very important man. His face was a bronzed by wind and
sun. The set of his chin suggested a stubborn streak and his lips were firm and sensual.

He made me so edgy and nervous as hell, and he didn’t even seen to notice me. He was very
busy talking on the phone. I couldn’t help listening to his voice. It was so deep, with velvet-edge
and strong.
“Is there anything else, sir?” My eyes shifted from one man to another.
“That’s all, Miss.” The older man replied, then nodding at me, a sign of dismissal.
I served their coffee within five minutes. I stared at the younger man again. He seemed really
familiar. I was sure I’d seen him before. I wished he would take off his dark glasses so I could
see his eyes, and figured out where I saw him before. Then I noticed, he drank his coffee. The
cup of espresso was his.
A few customers came in. I became so busy taking their orders and prepared their coffee. But I
couldn’t help glancing at the two men sitting in the center of the room, from time to time. I tried
to ignore them and focused on my job.
After a while, I saw two girls approached the two men. The girls were giggling flirtatiously at
them. The younger man looked at them and said something that made the faces of the girls
turned sour. He probably said something very insulting, since the girls immediately went out of
the coffee shop with stony face. Well, he was rude.
The men left without asking for their bill. I went to the table, they earlier occupied and saw a
one hundred dollar bill under the espresso cup.
What! A hundred dollar bill. I couldn’t believe it. I was over the moon! They left too much tip
for the coffee.

Later that morning, Suzanne and Kurt called simultaneously that they were sick. So, I was with
Mrs. Change in the coffee shop the whole day. She took my place on the cash register. I did the
rest of the job. I tried to serve the customers so fast, so they would stop complaining about the
slow service.
Before I went home, I mopped the floor and scrubbed the bathroom. I was so tired, but I didn’t
have a choice.
It was already eight thirty when I left the coffee shop. I took a bus to the South Bronx, where my
family rented a small one-bedroom apartment. The moment I was seated in the bus, I ate the
burger that I grabbed near the bus stop. After eating, I took a power nap.
“Guess what Mom. I got a very big tip today. Two rich-looking men left hundred dollar bill for
their coffee.”
“What? That’s too much.” My mother, Ruby Collins narrowed her eyes.
“Yeah, I couldn’t believe it. I told Mrs. Chang that we could split the tip, but she said that it was
all mine.”
“Awe…she’s so sweet.”
“Yeah, very sweet. I’m lucky to have her as my employer.” I took my wig off and pulled the
rubber band that help my hair in a bun. My long silky red hair instantly cascaded down to my
waist. I took a hairbrush and combed my hair, until it shone.
“How’s baby Hannah? I asked about out neighbor’s baby. Mom worked as a babysitter for
almost a year now.

“She’s still very adorable, but getting heavier. I don’t think I can handle her anymore.” Mom
rubbed her chest. She had a mild coronary heart disease. It started six months ago. She was
advised by her physician not to do strenuous activities.
“Then stop babysitting. I really don’t want you to work. You are risking your health. Don’t
worry, I have a job. I’ll work during weekends too, to have an extra money. We can manage.”
“You’re working too hard for us, Jade. I’m so sorry for being a burden to you.”
“Mom, please don’t say that again. I love you and I’ll take care of you and Sapphire. I promised
dad that I will.” I hugged my mom, with moisture in my eyes.
Dad died of stage four lung cancer two years ago. I was eighteen at that time. He got it when he
worked in an asbestos manufacturing company. A year before he died was the most traumatic
year in our lives. We fought for his life. We lost our little savings and our cottage, just to keep up
the medical expenses. It was like a nightmare, seeing dad’s health deteriorated. He was a good
man without vices, God-fearing, jolly person, and full of vitality, a very loving husband and
caring father to us. I couldn’t help but wondered why the good and godly people passed away
earlier than their time.
The day when we finally lost dad, our world collapsed. We were so dependent on him. We
looked up on him and solely relied on him financially.
“What’s wrong?” My sister Sapphire went out of the bedroom. She shrieked with panic seeing
me and mom hugging. She thought something bad happened again.
“Nothing really. We just want to hug each other. We miss dad.” I smiled at my fifteen-year old
sister, showing my braced teeth.

“Oh! I thought something bad happened. Anyway, Jade, I have news for you.”
“What is it?”
“I was chatting with Joseph an hour ago.”
“Joseph?”
“Yup, your one and only love!”
“What?”
“He asked for your Facebook account, and I told him you didn’t have any social media accounts
anymore. Then he asked for your phone number.”
“Did you give it to him?”
“No! You said not to give your number to anyone, right?”
“Right.”
“But he gave me his number. He asked you to call him, anytime. He’ll be waiting.”
I heaved a sigh. Joseph.
It had been two years since I last saw him. I totally cut our communication.
No. I can’t face him anymore. I’m not the same girl that he used to know. I’m different, totally
different now. The old Jade was gone, dead and buried.
A flash of wild grief ripped inside me.

Edited Piece # 2
The Girl He Never Noticed by (Nei Alejandrino) Sweetdreamer33
Chapter One
“The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she
combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her
heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It's the caring
that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with
passing years.”
-Audrey Hepburn
Jade’s POV
“Good morning, Mrs. Chang. Did you sleep well last night?” I greeted my employer happily,
Mrs. Grace Chang, a 65 year-old-widow when I arrived. I was concerned because she Mrs.
Chang often had severe headaches and couldn’t sleep well.
“Helloi Jade,, yes, I did. The pain reliever I took last night finally worked.” She smiled adoringly
at me.
Mrs. Chang owned the small Ccoffee shop, in Manhattan, New York, where I workedgot my
family’s bread and butter. I worked fFrom eight a.m. untill eight p.m. Monday to Friday, I
worked as a cashier usually.
The place was understaffed, so I often worked all overaround. I did the waitressing, coffee
preparation, and sometimes, cleaneding the place after it closed work. It was a lot of work, but I
couldn’t complain., since Mrs. Chang was paying me well. Actually, not so well, but enough for
my family to eat a decent meal every day and to pay off the bills.

“Hi Jade, yes, I did. The pain reliever I took last night finally worked.” She smiled adoringly at
me.
“That’s greatood. What did the doctor say?” I asked .while putting my worn-out leather bag and
old knitted coat inside a closet, and then I adjusted my black wig and took off my eyeglasses, to
clean the lenses.
“It’s just a migraine, nothing serious.”
I was relieved that she had finally listened to me. I’d told her several times in the past to seek
medical attention, but she wouldn’t listen. She had a phobia of hospitals, medical clinics,
syringes and doctors. She probably had a traumatic experience when she was a kid.
“George’s wife had a normal delivery last night.”
“Really? I’m so happy for them, after five years of trying, they finally had a baby. It’s a girl,
right?” I instantly became so excited for George, the barista.
“Yes, it is. Anyway he can’t report today. Could you fill his place?”
OH. That would mean doing two jobs at the same time. Whew!
“Okay, no problem about that Mrs. Chang,. I can manage.” I smiled at her assuredly and fixed
my crumpled brown floral vintage dress. Actually, it was my favorite dress and loved wearing it
often. It belonged to my grandmother, as well as most of the dresses in my closet.
It was already eight o’clock, and time for the Coffee Shop to open. I wondered why the other
employees, Suzanne and Kurt hadn’t arrived yet. Suzanne was the waitress, who took the order
and served the food. and Kurt worked as busboy and custodian for the shop.cleaned the tables,
the floor and the bathroom.

Recently, I found out that Suzanne and Kurt were lovers. I caught them making out inside the
bathroom. They forgot to lock the door.
“You retard. Don’t tell Mrs. Chang about tis or I’m going to break you bones.” Kurt threatened
me. He even twisted my arm behind my back. A tear suddenly fell on my cheek because of the
burning pain.
“I won’t, I promise. Let me go, please.” I pleaded and finally he let go of my arm.
“Good. Remember that.” His eyes were glaring at me angrily.
I rubbed my arm, it was so sore and my flesh turned red.
“Now, go, ugly monkey. You’re not wanted here.” Suzanne laughed and pushed me out of the
bathroom.
Yup, they often bullied me, calling me names and I was used to it. I pretended not to hear their
hurtful words. I needed my job so badly and my family relied on me, besides Mrs. Chang was a
good employer.
“Jade, I’ll be in the kitchen. Just call me if you need help.”
“Sure Mrs. Chang.” I put on a black apron and began prepping for the first round of customers
by turning on the coffee machines., getting ready for the first customer. I went inside the bar
counter and turned on, the electric cash register, as well as the coffee machines.
I learned how to prepare coffee from George, who worked as the barista. For the almost a year
that I’d been working in the coffee shop, he’d taught me the complete guide to coffee making.
taught me how to do the coffee art works and the techniques in preparing a very good expresso. I
learned the barista’s complete guide to coffee and embraced the knowledge wholeheartedly.

I was wiping down cleaning the bar counter when the first customers came insidearrived. Two
men wearing black suits and dark glasses entered the coffee shop. They reminded me of the
movie, ‘Men in Black.’
I looked at the tall-clad figure of the man who came in first. He was younger than the other man
had an athletic physique. He halted at the front door and his eyes scanned the shop. He stood
there, tall, devilishly handsome, with a beautifully proportioned body.
I froze. My mind stopped working and my body turned numb. Ssomething about his appearance
disturbed bothered me. He looked vaguely familiar.
Is he a movie star, a model or a celebrity? He was probably into sports, because of his athletic
physique.
His dark glasses hid his eyes, so. Iit was impossible to find out where his eyes were focusing on.
But I was certain that he was not looking at me. He carried himself with a commanding air of
self confidenceself-confidence. He looked very powerful and extremely rich.
He said something to the other man, and togetherthen they strode in the room. They took their,
taking seats in the center of the room.
I pulled out grabbed a my pen and the order slip pad. I and hurriedly went towards them to take
their order.
“Good morning., what’s your order, sir What would you like to order, sir?” I stood in front of the
two men and smiled down at them. I wrote C#1, shortcut for customer number one in the order
slip.

“Good morning. Couldan we have an cup of espresso and a café latte?” The older man removed
his dark glasses and smiled back at me. He was probably in his mid mid-forties.
My hands were trembling slightly when as I wrote their order. I didn’t why, perhaps because of
the younger man’s appearance intimidated me. He looked like a very important man. His face
was a bronzed by wind and sun. The set of his chin suggested a stubborn streak and his lips were
firm and sensual.
He made me so edgy and nervous as hell, butand he didn’t even seen to notice me. He was
toovery busy talking on the phone. I couldn’t help listening to his voice. It was so deep, with
velvet-edge and strong.
“Is there anything else, sir?” My eyes shifted from one man to another.
“That’s all, Miss.” The older man replied., then nodding at me, a sign of dismissal.
I made and served their ordercoffee within five minutes. As I set the cups down, I stared at the
younger man again. He seemed really familiar. and I was sure I’d seen him before. I wished If he
would take off his dark glasses, so I could see his eyes, and figured out where I’d seenaw him
before. As he drank his coffee, I noticed the espresso was his.Then I noticed, he drank his coffee.
The cup of espresso was his.
A few more customers came in. and I became so busy taking their orders and preparinged their
coffee. But I couldn’t help glancing at the two men sitting in the center of the room, from time to
time. I tried to ignore them and focused on my job as much as possible, but I still saw two
women approach the two men.

After a while, I saw two girls approached the two men. The womengirls were giggling
flirtatiously at them. The younger man looked at them and said something that made their faces
of the girls turned sour. He’d probably said something very insulting, since the womengirls
immediately leftwent out of the coffee shop with stony faces. Well, he was rude.
The men later left without asking for their bill. I went to the table, they earlier occupied earlier
and saw a one hundred dollar bill under the espresso cup.
What?! A hundred dollar bill. I couldn’t believe it. I was over the moon! They’d left too much tip
for the coffee.
Later that morning, Suzanne and Kurt called simultaneously that they were sick. So, I was alone
working with Mrs. Chang in the coffee shop the whole shiftday. She took my place on the cash
register. and I did the rest of the job. I tried to serve the customers asso fast as I could, so they
would stop complaining about the slow service.
After closing up for the night, Before I went home, I mopped the floor and cleanedscrubbed the
bathroom. I was so tired, but I didn’t have much of a choice.
It was already eight thirty when I finally left the coffee shop. I took a bus to where the South
Bronx, where my family rented a small one-bedroom apartment. The moment I was seated in the
bus, I ate the burger that I grabbed near the bus stop. After eating, I took a power nap.
“Guess what Mom?. I got a very big tip today. Two rich-looking men left a hundred dollar bill tip
for their coffees.”
“What? That’s too much.” My mother, Ruby Collins, narrowed her eyes.

“Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either. I told Mrs. Chang that we could split the tip, but she insisted
said that it was all mine.”
“Awe…sShe’s so sweet to say that.”
“Yeah, I knowvery sweet. I’m so lucky to have her as my employer.” I took my wig off and
pulled the rubber band that help my hair in a bun. My long, silky red hair instantly cascaded
down to my waist. I took grabbed a hairbrush and combed my hair, until it shone.
“How’s baby Hannah? I askedinquired about our neighbor’s baby. Mom had worked as a
babysitter for almost a year now.
“She’s still very adorable, but getting heavier every day. I don’t think I can handle her much
longeranymore.” Mom rubbed her chest absently. She had a mild coronary heart disease that. It
started six months ago. She was advised by her physician not to do strenuous activities like
heavy lifting.
“Then stop babysitting. I really don’t want you to work if you’re. You are risking your health.
Don’t worry, I have a job. I’ll work during weekends too, to have an extra money. We can
manage.”
“You’re working too hard for us, Jade. I’m so sorry for being a burden to you.”
“Mom, please don’t say that again. I love you and I’ll take care of you and Sapphire. I promised
dad that I wouldwill.” I hugged my mom, with moisture in my eyes.
Dad died of stage four lung cancer two years ago. when I was eighteen. at that time. He got it
when he worked in an asbestos manufacturing company. He’d worked for years in an asbestos
manufacturing company before he got his diagnosis. A The year before he died was the most

traumatic year in of our lives. We fought for his life,. We lost losing all of our little savings and
even our cottage, just to keep up the medical expenses. It was like a nightmare, seeing dad’s
health deteriorated. He was a good man without vices, God-fearing, jolly person, and full of
vitality, a very loving husband and caring father to us. I couldn’t help but wondered why the
good and godly people always seemed to passed away before earlier than their time.
The day when we finally lost dad, our whole world collapsed. We were so dependent on him
back then. We looked up on him and solely relied solely on him financially.
“What’s wrong?” My sister Sapphire came went out of the bedroom. She shrieked with panic
seeing me and mom hugging. She thought something bad happened again.
“Nothing really. We just wanted to hug each other because we miss dad. We miss dad.” I smiled
assuredly at my fifteen-year old sister, showing my braced teeth.
“Oh! I thought something bad happened. Anyway, Jade, I have news for you, Jade.”
“What is it?”
“I talked to was chatting with Joseph an hour ago.”
“Joseph?”
“Yes. up, yRemember? Your one and only love!?”
“What?”
“He asked for your Facebook account, so and I told him you didn’t have any social media
accounts anymore. Then he asked for your phone number.”
“Did you give it to him?”

“No! You said not to give your number to anyone, right?”
“Right.”
“But he gave me his number. He asked me to tell you to call him, anytime. He said he’d’ll be
waiting.”
I heaved a sighed. Joseph.
It had been two years since I last saw him. I totally cut our communication.
No. I can’t face him anymore. I’m not the same girl that he used to know. I’m different, totally
different now. The old Jade was gone, dead and buried.
A flash of wild grief ripped inside me.

Transmittal Letter # 2
Dear Nei,
I have finished editing the first chapter of your novel The Girl He Never Noticed. I believe my
suggestions will really help create some evenness throughout the book as this is the beginning.
I completed a comprehensive copyediting of this document thoroughly, looking for consistency,
correctness, accuracy, and completeness. I noticed some overall issues in grammar throughout
the document and corrected them as I saw fit. Rather than focusing on making this document
adhere to a certain style, I provided optional edits for some of your sentences that would still
maintain your unique writing. I automatically corrected any phrases where I believed another
word choice would express your meaning more efficiently, and I also left comments in areas
where I was unsure of the text. I also used the MLA Stylebook as a resource as I looked over
your story.
Below, I have made a list of major changes I suggest, in order of importance. Other changes and
suggestions have been left directly on the document itself.
1. You have some good material here, but some elements don’t seem realistic for a modernday story. Mrs. Chang’s coffee shop wouldn’t be a long-lasting business with only four
employees and those employees being held to really lax standards for adults. Working 12hour shifts five days a week might be too much for them to handle and in this case, one
worker is left alone repeatedly to pick up the slack of the others who have skipped out.
While Jade states that her pay is enough to live on, I doubt a 20-year-old girl can fully
support her family of three working a coffee shop job. New York is a notoriously
expensive place to live, so unless her family is living in a disreputable neighborhood it
doesn’t seem possible and readers aren’t given much information on how Jade is able to
do it.
2. I suggest adding in more development because some of the plot lacks details or seems
rushed. You did make some attempts to give readers more of a visual of Jade, but they
may read as trying too hard to your audience when so many details are through together
in the same sentence. It seems like you’re attempting to establish that Jade wears a black
wig and loose, non-assuming dresses that don’t draw much attention to her. There are
moments where you can assert those details, such as when Jade remarks that there no way
the younger man was paying attention to her and readers are left to wonder why. There is
also the point about Jade having braces and since her family had exhausted their savings
battling cancer, how was she able to afford them and why did she get them so late?
When Jade’s mother’s occupation is introduced, readers are left unsure of why she chose
that job. It is established that Jade’s father was the bread winner, but what role did Jade’s
mother have in the family dynamic? Did it play a role in her choice to be a babysitter?
For the instances where Jade is speculating about Mrs. Chang’s possible fear of the
doctor and Sapphire worries that something is wrong, her assumptions come across as
fact when she isn’t definitely sure.
3. In establishing Jade’s work environment and the relationship she has with her coworkers,
the bullying seems out of place and unnecessary considering the age range of the

characters. The romantic relationship existing between Suzanne and Kurt could be a great
plot device for creating a more subtle, age-appropriate dynamic between the three
characters.
Please let me know if I can clarify any of the suggestions or provide any additional help. You are
welcome to contact me directly through my email Goodloe@knights.ucf.edu.
I hope you find my suggestions helpful.
Best,
Gabrielle Goodloe