Horny Alien

By
Jarred Hodgdon

Final Draft

(c) December 10th, 2013

Jarred Hodgdon
(510) 816 - 1414
Velcro@velcrofathoms.net

Scene 1
Death of a horny creature from space
There are two sets. One, "Dingle’s Wetting Hole" bar. The
other "The Alien Spacecraft" The alien spacecraft set is
located directly on top of the bar set. Lighting cues are
used to indicate which set is being focused on.
LIGHTS UP ON SPACESHIP
GLLP GLLP stands over PLLP, they are space aliens.
PLLP is dying on something that looks like a
medical table. These creatures stand about 5 feet,
shaped like the Michelan Man, but with a lot more
genitalia. Holes and protruding reproductive bits
are located randomly all about their
hairless/naked bodies, some dripping slimy
secretions. When they speak their native tongue,
it sounds guttural, and as though it comes out of
a slimy mouth (it does).
Alien costumes are oversized, latex and ridiculous. They
look like a sumo sized sex doll, but with rubber and latex
genitalia all over them. Eye and mouth articulation achieved
through mechanical puppeteering by actor--internal motion
sensor, processed through arduino.
Their spaceship is sleek, made of a metal that has
colorful hues glowing from within it. Complicated,
ominous appearing machinery is present in the
room. Through a large window we can see the earth,
which their craft presently orbits around.
We join the scene as these two creatures, two of
the greatest lovers in all of time and space,
share their last tender moments together.
GLLP GLLP
GFTHHHY! Plr plrr, mngarthfrch.
PLLP
(weakly)
Lover. Those words to me are hot as shit, but must be
spoken in Earhtenese.
GLLP GLLP
But my sweet ass fuck machine, the languages of this
planet do not have sexy libidinous luster. Only our
advanced linguistics could properly convey the
horniness I feel right now. In your dying moments I
want only to speak to you from the deepest of my
throbbing genitals.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

PLLP
But our mission. It is imperative we only speak the
tongues native to the creatures we study. It will be
all the more difficult for you now, without me.
GLLP GLLP
Without you!? I can’t bear the thought! How will I
cum?!
Gllp Gllp strokes one of Pllp protrusion’s
tenderly. Pllp inserts one of its meaty paws into
a gaping hole of Gllp Gllp’s.
PLLP
You must survive 2 earth days before the nearest of our
orgy vessels will come to rescue you. If you can’t
express your horniest of emotions to me in Earthenese,
how will you survive that long?
GLLP GLLP
It was foolish of us to venture so far alone from the
fleet! They warned us of our folly, and we were
arrogant to think we could survive a week with only
each other to fuck.
PLLP
It’s true. Though in my basest of foul organs- the
heart-- you are enough for me. I just can’t survive
without some strange. And you have not much longer
either.
GLLP GLLP
Then I will stay and fuck and suck you madly until I
expire as well.
PLLP
No my filthy little tit flicker. Repeat the romantic
words you told me earlier. Only this time in
Earthenese. With your horny linguistics,you can seduce
Earth creatures. Enough to survive until your rescue.
GLLP GLLP
Ugh. The thought makes my mouth hole want to ejaculate!
We’ve studied their biology. They have only two genders
and hardly any holes or genitals at all!
PLLP
Just repeat the words to me.
GLLP GLLP
Oh very well, I shall try... Pllp. Oh! What your sex
holes and grease hoses have meant to me, filling much
more than can be measured in your meaty girth rods. As
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

GLLP GLLP (cont’d)
we splooge upon each other, tis’ as though the first
jizzums time ever knew echoed through our every genital
and connected us to the infinite universal cum bucket.
Pllp spits upon and begins to stroke genitalia of
Gllp Gllp’s.
PLLP
Oh yes. Even in coarse Earthenese you wet me with your
words. You shall have no problem lubricating those foul
Earthers to satisfaction.
GLLP GLLP
Perhaps...but could they satisfy me?
PLLP
You must try...But with my last ounce of breath and
energy, I want to suck and fuck you nasty.
Gllp Gllp plops upon Pllp. It’s really crazy,
their genitals rub and connect in dozens of
difficult to describe arrangements. They get
really greasy and wet, the spacecraft filling with
a cacophony of squishy sounds.
LIGHTS DOWN ON SPACESHIP
Scene 2
The first date of Kimmi and Dirk
LIGHTS UP ON BAR
The setting is "Dingle’s Wetting Hole", small town
dive bar. KIMMI and DIRK, on their first date, sit
beside each other at the bar. DINGLE, the barkeep,
cleans mugs behind the bar with a filthy rag.
ELMER, the old alcoholic sits nearby studying his
diminishing ale.
Kimmi and Dirk reach the bottom of their drinks.
DINGLE
Looks like youse two could use anotha round?
DIRK
Whatta you say Kimmi? That one tasted pretty swell.
Wouldn’t mind whettin my whistle by a few more inches.
KIMMI
Sure enough...But you promised me a show. Let’s not us
get too carried away.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

DINGLE
One more Dirty Shirly and a Casanova, and I’ll make
this TO GO.
DIRK
Ho ho. No need for such haste, we have time to rest our
buns for a few more minutes. The picture doesn’t start
for half an hour yet.
DINGLE
That’s just aces. Say youse two seem unfamiliar like,
like it’s your first date or somethin!
ELMER
They’s in the fermentation process Dingle. Before the
sourin.
KIMMI
That’s right. It is our first date in fact.
DINGLE
That’s just rosy...and ain’t youse two just a picture a
handsome coupling. Say. How’d y’all’s meet in the first
place?
DIRK
Well that’s a funny story. We met online actually. A
dating web portal.
DINGLE
Ya don’t say! I hearda plenty folks meeting online to
avoid the bar scene. But here you all are bringing the
information highway into my humble sauce house.
ELMER
Now I heard everything!
KIMMI
It can actually be quite romantic. Dirk here sent
me-hmm, what they call a bump. It’s like a little
emoticon of a winking cartoon. You know, just to let me
know he was keen on me.
DINGLE
I was almost on board Elmer, but now they’re talkin way
over my head!
DIRK
Ha Ha! It’s actually not that difficult.
DINGLE
So what was is? Match.com, OKCupid, something like
that? I seen em in the commercials.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

KIMMI
Well no, it was nothing like that.
ELMER
If it was J Date, then you could just close out my tab
and I’ll hit the skids!
DINGLE
Now what did I tell ya bout your intolerance you ole
drunk coot?!...Sorry folks.
DIRK
No, no. It’s alright. It was none of them sites, but a
new one. An upstart.
DINGLE
Well say. I’m all ears bucko.
KIMMI
Oh darling! We shouldn’t!
DIRK
Kimmi. Doll. I think it’s all right. We’re all friends
here. Besides, that’s part of the philosophy right?
There’s no shame in folks like us finding romance.
DINGLE
Folks like you?
ELMER
Uh oh.
KIMMI
Well, I suppose it’s okay.
DIRK
You see. We met on S.T. Date.
DINGLE
Estee Date? Sounds French. Are youse all a coupla
frogs?!
ELMER
Yuck!
DIRK
No, heavens no! It’s S as in the letter S, T...also the
letter. And then date.
KIMMI
That’s right. Sexually transmitted dating.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

DIRK
You see. It uses sophisticated science mumbo jumbo- er,
algorithms- to match you with partners who have
contracted similar sexually transmitted diseases.
KIMMI
That way, you’re spared the awkwardness of coming clean
to potential suitors.
DINGLE
Well chee! Why didn ya say so off the bat? I’ve had
Chlamydia more times then my ole lady can count.
Kimmi and Dirk clasp hands.
DIRK
We have the same exact simplex of herpes.
KIMMI
Might as well have been written in the stars.
To everyone’s surprise, a disheveled fellow,
GUMBALL, stammers out of the nearby bathroom. He
wobbles as he makes his way to the bar.
ELMER
It’s you! I thought you made for home a long time ago.
DINGLE
Youse look like you need sumthin stiff.
Dingle pours a whiskey shot.
GUMBALL
Stiff?! Aw hell naw!
DINGLE
Say, what’s your angle? What were you up to in that
toilet for so long?
GUMBALL
It was, like a straight up abduction rogue!
ELMER
Is that a doo-doo problem?
GUMBALL
Naw! Some kinda space creature or alien took me!
DINGLE
Oh boy! I’ve seen you three sheets to the wind before
Gumball, but this malarkey goes in the ’new business’
column.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

DIRK
Maybe he’s on the level. I’ve read about this sort of
thing in the science fiction rags.
KIMMI
Mr Gumball, just what did this creature you saw look
like?
GUMBALL
It look like a mess of goddamned dicks and twats and
titties too, all spread out over a shit ton of butt
cheeks. Oh, sweet Jesus. I think I need that stiff
drink after all.
Gumball throws his drink back.
DINGLE
I think you better sleep on this one. Imma call you a
cab.
GUMBALL
Naw, y’all need to hear this! That fool will be comin
back! Promise that.
DINGLE
I said it’s time for you to kick rocks Gumball. 23
skiddoo!
DIRK
Now let us all hold on a minute. I just happens that
I’m a scientist, at the University you see. So this
man’s tale just happens to perk my ears.
KIMMI
And me? I’m a blogger. No matter which way the story
shakes out, it sounds like it’ll go viral.
ELMER
Virus? Like the herpes?
DINGLE
But don’t youse two gotta make to the movie?
DIRK
Oh we have a minute. So we’ll miss the coming
attractions. I’ll buy a round, just let the man speak.
DINGLE
Alright then, since money does the talkin. Gumball...
do the squakin.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.

GUMBALL
Word. This hear gets a little freaky, know what I’m
sayin, but that’s on space dude. He talk nasty.
DIRK
That’s just fine son, just tell us what happened.
GUMBALL
I was doin a pee, when all a sudden, I was up in this
spaceship. But I was all frozen like, paralysized. I
was like, "the fuck?!" Then this dude come at me, an I
was like "fuck no, homey!" I already tole you how he
look like, so I try to run, but you know - paralysized.
Then this freaky dude start talkin a mess a shit. He
was like--He say--No! I can’t! Is too nasty!
KIMMI
It’s okay Gumball, we’re all friends here.
GUMBALL
He start in on--"I wanna rub on your penis. I wanna
lick on your nipple. Imma put my tentacle up in your
butt hole." But he said it all fancy, like he’s tryin
to impress me an shit. Then the dude pulls out sensual
oils! He had toys like on another level, from around
the galaxy!
DIRK
Go on! What did this creature do next?
GUMBALL
Well. He unfroze me. Said the things we was gonna do,
required my slobber, and a real, true, stiff erection.
He says, Imma fuck im, an Imma like it.
ELMER
What the hell’s goin on Dingle?
KIMMI
Well what did you do? Did you go through with it?!
GUMBALL
Naw I din go through with it. All I wanted was to haul
off an kick that fool in one of his big ass dicks. But
I didn’t do nathan. See I was still frozen. But it was
fear I’s frozen with.
Kimmi hugs Gumball to console him.
DIRK
Gee whiz! And a good thing too, at least you made it
back with your purity in tact.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

9.

GUMBALL
My purity?! No! See he din like that I threw salt in
his game. No. He took his machines he had there, an he
probed me six ways till Sunday. All the while, he just
lay back, wathcin, spittin upon an playin wit all his
nasty ass genitalia.
DINGLE
Alright, alright. We’ve heard just about enough. This
is a family establishment!
DIRK
And we’ve heard the man out. Gumball, that sounds to be
quite the ordeal. You have my sympathy. I did a tour in
Iraq and I can tell you. Sometimes a man see’s things
he just won’t ever forget. But the booze helps, here.
Dirk hands Gumball his drink. Gumball chugs it
down.
KIMMI
At least it’s all over with.
GUMBALL
Over? Naw, this aint over yet. Spaceman tole me, he
wasn’t nearly satisfied yet. Says he was hungry for all
kinda Earth strange.
ELMER
Ack! I don’t wanna make whoopie with an alien!
DINGLE
That’s it! We’ve heard enough, youre scarin the payin
customers. Out with you Gumball!
A large flash of smoke and light appears. Dingle
is trapped in a beam. He is elevated up to the
ceiling where her disappears, traveling into the
sky.
Behind the bar is a stage elevator to achieve this effect.
It raises the actor up. With accompanying flashing lights
and fog, the effect is slow, and comically cheesy.
LIGHTS DOWN ON BAR

10.
SCENE 3
The abduction of Dingle
LIGHTS UP ON SPACESHIP
In a flash of light and zing-bam-boom Dingle
appears in the spaceship, which hovers in the
stratosphere above his bar.
DINGLE
What in the Sam Hill?
GLLP GLLP
Hi there sexy.
DINGLE
Sweet goddamn! Gumball was on the level!
FLOP GLOP
I like your build. The hang of your gorgeous penis
suits my carnal desires. Lets hump, my luscious little
fuck man.
DINGLE
Fella- er lady - no one fixes a drink strong enough to
make you fuckable. Not even me.
GLLP GLLP
Oh we are going to fuck nasty, you’re going to love it,
or I’m going to destroy your insignificant planet with
the push of a button.
DINGLE
Do it pal. You’re barking up the wrong tree near as I’m
concerned. My life is bottoms, smoke the whole planet
for all I care.
GLLP GLLP
Playing hard to get. I’m familiar with this Earthen
tactic. That’s okay you gorgeous pink fellow. I will
present my sensual space oils and it will be hard for
you to resist.
DINGLE
No! I swear to Christ, I’ll kick you in the nuts, your
babymaker or wherever else need be. I’ll put the shine
on you Perv-O!
GLLP GLLP
Shine eh? How bout you slob one of my knobs?
Gllp Gllp approaches, getting real close to
Dingle.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

DINGLE
No! No! NOOOOOO!
LIGHTS DOWN ON SPACESHIP

11.

12.
SCENE 4
An alien walks into a bar
LIGHTS UP ON BAR
With Dingle away, the cats do play. Elmer’s behind
the bar, pouring the drinks fast as they can be
drunk.
DIRK
Slow down there friend, seems were taking advantage of
the situation.
GUMBALL
I tole that mutha! Now he’s best believe!
KIMMI
Such a great flash of light, I’d be scared if this
didn’t make for such great web copy.
DIRK
Should we make to the pictures darling?
KIMMI
Pictures?! This is better than any Hollywood dross.
DIRK
I’m with you there chicky-doo.
Just as he had disappeared Dingle is now returned
to the bar with much the same fanfare, only now
there’s company. Gllp Gllp appears as well.
Dingle and Gllp Gllp both descend via elevator.
KIMMI
Criminy look! It’s Dingle!
DIRK
And with a creature most foul!
GLLP GLLP
Greetings Earthers. I come for a piece of ass, who’s
down to fuck?
DINGLE
Thing ain’t takin no for an answer! It’s an invasion of
the body gropers.
GLLP GLLP
I have gotten no where witht he one’s you call Dingle
and Gumball. I am tired of the shenanigans. You will
all be ass stimulated, resistance is futile.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

13.

DIRK
Listen fella, I’m a veteran of foreign combat, proudly
fighting under the flag if the U. S. of A. , so I know
a thing or two about mounting an invasion of sovereign
land. You can’t go in cock out like this. You gotta
hold your hand close to the chest.
GLLP GLLP
Mmmm. You can hold your hand to my chests and mount any
invasion you like soldier boy.
DIRK
Well that settles it. Here comes a patriot missile.
Dirk throws a fierce right hook, landing straight
into Gllp Gllp’s bulky bod. The punch lands in one
of the aliens folds, sinking deep inside. Gllp
Gllp spits on Dirks arm.
GLLP GLLP
Ooooo. You found one of my favorite holes. Can you do
that again, many times in rapid succession?
ELMER
That thing is some kinda freaky S & M guy.
DINGLE
It’s no use, all this creature wants to do is make time
with anyone he can get his hands on!
ELMER
No one’s wanted to get biblical with me since Johnson
was president.
GLLP GLLP
Come here and get in on the action you silver fox. I’d
be happy to have you and your Johnson.
GUMBALL
I shoulda taken that cab ride an got the fuck outta
here. Y’all din’t even heed my words.
Dirk struggles to remove his arm from the folds of
Gllp Gllp. Gllp Gllp just sensually licks him.
KIMMI
Free yourself darling don’t give in!
DIRK
You bet your buns I’m trying! Feels something like a
Chinese finger trap.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

14.

GLLP GLLP
Bring your buns over here, you saucy vixen. I’ve got
plenty for everyone.
KIMMI
Don’t get fresh with me!
Dirk puts a foot against the bar and pulls his arm
hard. With a GOOPEY SQUISH his arm is finally
freed, covered in a considerable amount of slime.
GLLP GLLP
I can see you prude Earthers are somewhat hesitant.
Perhaps you think I won’t reciprocate? I will tell you
here and now, Gllp Gllp is a generous lover, we’re all
coming tonight!
ELMER
I think I’m gonna wretch.
DINGLE
Me too.
GUMBALL
An I’m fin to puke!
Elmer, Dingle and Gumball vomit all over the bar
floor.
GLLP GLLP
That’s right, get the juices flowing boys. We’ve got
lots of holes to fill and need all the lubrication we
can get.
KIMMI
You don’t seem to get the score you Martian molester.
they puke on accounta you’re disgusting. Coitus with
you sounds less appealing then a pie baked from horse
road apples.
GLLP GLLP
Yes. I see. It’s not as though any of you crude
creatures with your lack of girth and ample genitalia
would be picked first for a game of dodgeballs where I
come from. I can see that games of seduction are in
order. I have been trained in Earthen mating rituals,
lets see if you can resist this.
With a point of its finger, Gllp Gllp sends an
electrical charge to the jukebox. The familiar hit
song "Pussy Control" by Prince starts blasting
through the speakers. Gllp Gllp instantly starts
gyrating and dancing.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

15.

ELMER
My eyes are boining!
GUMBALL
Oh hell naw! He’s twerkin!
Dirk, seeing an opportunity, sneaks up to the bar.
DIRK (WHISPERING)
Say Dingle...an idea just struck me. Are you willing to
try something crazy?
DINGLE (WHISPERING)
I’m game for anything...with the exception of cavorting
with that rotund gutter mouth.
Dirk whispers in Dingle’s ear. Gllp Gllp spots
them and shuts the music off with a ZAP.
GLLP GLLP
Earthers! Are my sensual gyrations not arousing you?!
Do I see conspiratorial communications happening?
DIRK
No I was just telling Dingle here how turned on I am!
We all just need to get a little warmed up. Earth
people? Drop trow and rub your business all over either
Kimmi or myself.
KIMMI
Say what’s the big-DIRK
--You know Kimmi, like us earth folk like to do before
making time!
Dirk winks wildly at Kimmi. Elmer and Gumball have
pulled their pants down and queue up in front of
Kimmi. Dingle moves from around the bar and waits
in line as well.
KIMMI
Indeed. I understand.
Dirk and Kimmi drop their pants. Kimmi and Elmer
start rubbing their crotches together.
DIRK
Say we’ll never finish if Kimmi gets all the action.
Dirk starts rubbing his crotch on Dingle’s crotch.
Dingle winces.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

16.

GLLP GLLP
Sweet balls this is hot!
Forming a circle, Dingle, Elmer, Dirk, Gumball,
and Kimmi are all bumpin’ uglies.
ELMER
This is the most action I seen since Korea!
GUMBALL
Lawd, my jimmie seen all kindsa weird places today!
Dirk jumps out from the fray.
DIRK
Ha ha! We fooled you, you interstellar perv! You see,
Kimmi and I both have herpes and have now spread it
amongst us all. If you dare try and hump one of us,
you’re doomed to contract the disease yourself. And
judging by how proliferate your genitals are, I think
that’s a prospect you’re not too keen on!
GUMBALL
The fuck! Y’all gave me herpes? Oh snaps!
GLLP GLLP
Fools! All of you. Do you honestly think an advanced
being like myself--being from a horny and slutty
civilization--doesn’t have a cure for any potential
virus or disease.
KIMMI
Crackers! Your gambit didn’t work.
GLLP GLLP
Oh it worked alright. Seeing your exotic, yet
delightfully subtle sex pieces, exposed and rubbing one
another, made me resolute in my horniness. There is no
turning back, you will all hump me whether you like it
or not.
Gllp Gllp advances towards them, licking his chops
and spitting upon himself. The bar patrons back
up, huddled and pinned against the bar. Dingle
hops behind the counter.
DINGLE
Okay’s! If there’s one thing us Earth folk know, it’s
how to submit to power. We give up. We’ll hump you all
right, but let us first indulge in an arousing ritual
native to our planet.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

17.

GLLP GLLP
Arousing ritual?
Dingle is lining up shot glasses.
DIRK
Well sure you see, libation. It lubricates our libido,
makes us ignore our inhibitions.
GLLP GLLP
Inhibitions yes. A strange idea native to Earth.
Dingle is pouring out shots.
DINGLE
This here is whiskey. An elixir that could turn Mother
Teresa into a pussycat in heat.
ELMER
I’m getting aroused just lookin at them shots!
DIRK
You see it’s not that we aren’t flattered and
interested in your advances, we just have to get a
little sauced first.
All the Earth people grab a shot glass and raise
it up in a toasting gesture.
DINGLE
Okay everyone. It’s time we see a man about a horse!
They throw the shots back, Gllp Gllp watches with
intense curiosity.
GLLP GLLP
This arouses you? I must try it!
Dingle pours out a round of shots, then hands the
bottle to Gllp Gllp.
DINGLE
Well sure pal, join us fer a round. Take the whole
bottle, a fella of you stature prolly needs a few extra
ounces.
GLLP GLLP
Yes. And I desire maximum arousal!
Everyone throws back their next shot. Gllp Gllp
chugs on the whiskey bottle. Dingle pulls out a
basket of pretzels. Gllp Gllp coughs and spurtles.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

18.

GLLP GLLP (CONT’D)
That taste! It is at once horrible yet sweeter then sex
nectar at the same time.
DINGLE
And it only gets better. Here, have some pretzels. Its
another earth delicacy that whence paired with
whiskey, really gets us juiced up for the hotsy totsy.
Gllp Gllp grabs a pretzel and inspects it.
GLLP GLLP
What a marvelous, sexy consumable. It’s appearance even
resembles a symbol holy to my kind. The image of the
eternal penis, wrapped around itself in timeless
pleasure.
Gllp Gllp devours a fistful of pretzels, then
swigs whiskey until the bottle is empties. The
Earthlings in the bar watch with tense hope.
GLLP GLLP (CONT’D)
I could get used to these Earth sex rituals. This is
fun. Say, I found some music amongst your cultural
files. A band called "Sonic Youth". Have you guys heard
them? Could we talk about them for a few hours?
The Earth crew look to one another with
satisfaction.
GLLP GLLP (CONT’D)
Wait. What’s going on? I seem to have lost focus in my
primary objective of plowing slizz and gettin railed.
My genitalia! Much of it has gone limp. And other bits
seem to be drying up! This has never happened to me
before, I swear!
DIRK
My extra-terrestrial friend, you are experiencing a
phenomenon known as "whiskey dick".
KIMMI
Or "tundra cunt".
Gllp Gllp begins to recoil in pain, as its body
shrivels up.
DIRK
It’s a strange thing for us human folk. We drink to
distance ourselves from our pesky inhibitions. Yet too
much drink, and we lose our mojo.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

19.

GLLP GLLP
No! This can’t be happening! Have pathetic, puritanical
earth people truly defeated me?!
Gllp Gllp’s body collapses, deflating like popped
inertube. Malodorous juices gush out its many
genitalia, acoompanied by goopey sounds.
KIMMI
From where I’m standing...I’d say we have.
GUMBALL
Thas some freaky shit!
ELMER
Is this another one of my blackout episodes?
DINGLE
As usual, it’ll be me cleanin up this joint.
Dingle starts wiping his bar down. Elmer and
Gumball settle onto barstools and the three chat
in the background. Dirk and Kimmi move close to
one another, clasping hands.
DIRK
Darling, I think we missed that movie.
KIMMI
Oh, that’s alright. I had a swell time anyhow.
DIRK
Did you? Good. Will you see me again if I come a
courtin?
KIMMI
As handsome and brave as you are? You betcha. There’s
just one thing I don’t understand. If your plan all
along was to kill the space creature by way of whiskey
dick. Then why did we have to give everyone herpes?
DIRK
You see Kimmi. A plan never works without a decoy. I
figured that alien was smart enough to suspect we’d be
up to something. We just had to let on like he had us
figured out.
KIMMI
You’re just the full package ain’tcha?
DIRK
Sure. Say, we both had a bit to drink.
Can I walk you home?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

20.

KIMMI
I was hoping you’d offer. It’s just that...well. I hope
you didn’t have too much to drink. You don’t have the
whiskey dick do you?
DIRK
With you sugar? No way. Why, I’m so horny I could just
burst like Old Faithful.
KIMMI
Oh darling! I feel just the same way.
Kimmi and Dirk clasp each other, pulling in for a
deep smooch. Behind them at the bar, Gumball hops
off his barstool and reaches to the heavens in
anguish.
GUMBALL
Oh snaps, I just remembered. We all still got herpes!
The set goes dark.
Epilogue
LIGHTS UP ON SPACESHIP
We return to Gllp Gllp’s spacecraft, which is now
empty. An imager appears over the crafts window.
It is a transmission from the fleet. FLCCCKKK
appears, flanked by OTHER ALIENS of their species,
rubbing all upon it.
FLCCCKKK
Gllp Gllp, Pllp. This is Captain Flccckkk of the orgy
vessel, on route to your coordinates. I only hope that
your absence indicates that you made it to Earth and
are fucking and sucking, getting real nasty. My crew is
in need of shore leave, and they are horny as fuck. We
look forward to joining you, and partaking of all that
Earth strange. Bye-bye now.
The transmissions shuts down. The set goes dark.
THE END
HOUSE LIGHTS GO UP
The cast comes out to take their bows.
bow, stage jizzum starts flying out of
genitalia, soaking people in the front
GWAR concert). This effect is achieved
mechanical pumps in the costume.

As the aliens
some of their
rows (like a
with hoses and