My Cupid Husband

By
Jarred Hodgdon

"My Cupid Husband" - Lifetime movie trailer parody
By Jarred Hodgdon
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CHURCH - DAY
MUSIC: Chipper/happy
INSERT: Graphic "Lifetime Network Presents"
A car pulls off- windows state "Just Married", cans and
streamers trail behind. Excited GUESTS throw rice and CHEER.
ANNOUNCER (V.O)
Their perfect marriage was the
stuff of myth and legend.
FLASH TO WHITE
INT. PUB - NIGHT
JULIE (32), girl next door, throws a dart at the dart board
and gets a terrible score.
COOP (looks 30), in flowy white garb, approaches from behind
her. They GIGGLE as lovers do, he takes her hand and shows
her how to throw. The dart hits the bullseye.
FLASH TO WHITE
INT. JULIE AND COOP’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Coop, shirtless in white harem pants, grabs his quiver of
arrows and heads for the door.
COOP
Bye darling. Off to work!
JULIE
Hold it you.
Julie grabs hold and twirls Coop around planting a big (slow
motion) kiss on him.
ANNOUNCER (V.O)
But sometimes a love of
mythological proportions doesn’t
make a fairy tale marriage.
FLASH TO WHITE

2.

INT. JULIE’S OFFICE - DAY
Julie and her co-worker MONAE (40) sit at their desks as
FLOWER DELIVERY BOY (18) delivers a bouquet of red roses.
DELIVERY BOY
Flowers for Julie!
Julie receives them.
JULIE
Aw, I have the best husband.
MONAE
Mmm hmm. My husband only sends
flowers when he did something
wrong.
JULIE
Coop? No he’s the best. He’s been
so busy with work, probably just
wants to show his love.
MONAE
What does he do?
JULIE
He’s an archer.
MONAE
Archery? What kind of profession is
archery?
Julie’s smile fades to a look of concern. FREEZE FRAME
FLASH TO WHITE
MUSIC grows ominous.
INT. JULIE AND COOP’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The couple sits on the couch, Coop in a white robe.
JULIE
Honey, do you remember how we met?
COOP
How could I forget.

3.

FLASHBACK B+W

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Julie is rushing down a bustling street with groceries. She
rounds a corner and bumps into Coop - dropping her bags.
Coop and her pick them up together - rising, their eyes
meet.
FREEZE FRAME on Julie’s expression - wide eyed, mesmerized.
COOP (V.O)(CON’T)
It was love at first sight.
FLASH TO WHITE
INT. CAFE - DAY
Julie sits with her mother DELLA (60), sipping lattes.
ANNOUNCER (V.O)
Could the perfect husband be, in
fact, a perfect mythological
construction?
JULIE
Mom? Did Dad ever seem like a
different man than the one you
married?
DELLA
No. Your father was always a
schmuck.
JULIE
Do you ever wonder why Coop is half
naked or in robes most the time?
DELLA
Don’t be silly. You said it
yourself, his parents were hippies.
JULIE
Yeah...
(to herself)
why have I never met his parents?
Julie sips her latte. FREEZE FRAME on her look of concern.
COOP (V.O.)
My folks and me, don’t see eye to
eye right now.

4.

FLASHBACK

A HEAVENLY CLOUD

Coop confronts his parents, the deities Venus and Vulcan.
VULCAN
No son of mine will marry a mortal!
COOP
I’ve been living my life by your
rules the last 5,000 years!
Venus slaps her son.

FREEZE FRAME

JULIE (V.O.)
I hired a private eye. against my
own husband.
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Coop is fully nude hovering on a cloud above PASSERBY’S. He
fires an arrow into a man.
PRIVATE EYE peers around a corner with camera.
FREEZE FRAME on the shocked P.I.
COOP (V.O.)
Honey, do you remember how we met.
FLASHBACK B+W

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Replay of the previous flashback but moments earlier. Julie
is rushing down a bustling street with groceries.
Coop appears before her and quickly fires arrow after arrow
right into her heart.
FREEZE FRAME on falling groceries.
INT. GROCERY STORE
Julie and Coop stroll the aisle- Coop picks up an item.
COOP
Oooh, Greek yogurt.
Julie breaks down.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

JULIE
I can’t live with your myths
anymore!
MUSIC : Grows even more ominous and frantic.
INT. JULIE’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Coop paces the room in a white diaper, angrily showcasing
two arrows.
COOP
The gold arrow ensures eternal
love.
He gets right up in Julie’s face.
COOP (CONT’D)
And the silver one means you’ll
never love again!
FLASH TO WHITE
INSERT Full Screen title : "MY CUPID HUSBAND"
ANNOUNCER (V.O)
This Valentine’s, Lifetime
presents, "My Cupid Husband".
INT. JULIE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Julie leans against the door, panting in fear.
JULIE
Oh no...I married Cupid.
An arrow pierces the door right in front of Julie’s face.
She SCREAMS.
BLACKOUT

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