To The Moon Velcro

TO THE MOON VELCRO
NARRATOR
Welcome
and all
episode
today’s

back ladies, gentleman, dickheads, cuntfarts
you kiddies too- for another enthralling
the Velcro Audiosseys. Blast off with us on
adventure "Velcro to the moon"!

But first, let me invite you dear friends to never use
the services of Sodastream. That’s right Sodastream,
the gimmicky stupid device which allows you to make
fizzy beverages your damn self, because cracking open a
can of soda is just too damn hard. As you know
listeners SOdastrem is a benefactor of apartheid in
Palestine, producing its shitty unnecessary product on
the occupied West Bank. So friends the next time you
want a cool, carbonated sugary beverage (which I cant
imagine you ever would desire such a thing)dont dare to
utilize a Sodastream, that shit is whack!
Now on to today’s story...Velcro To The Moon!!
3...2...1 WHOOOSH! Cough Cough Cough... Our story
begins on Crepe Canaveral where our hero Velcro Fathoms
and his pal Rad Brad have come to see the take off of
the Apulu 11 shuttle to the moon!
SOUND: CROWD NOISES
VELCRO
Gee Rad Brad it sure is swell of your uncle to get us
passes to witness this historical event!
RAD BRAD
Yeah Velcro, his food production company is delivering
all the astronaut food for the mission.
VELCRO
Wait, I thought your uncle was in the frozen fishstick
biz?!
RAD BRAD
Yeah till his cooler died and his supply dried out. Now
he’s a freeze-dried fishmonger.
VELCRO
Well I’m sure glad he brought us here. Just think,
we’re watching the first rocket ship blast off to the
moon!
RAD BRAD
Yeah it’s a dope scene dawg.

2.

VELCRO
Sure wish I could get the astronauts, Silly Ride and
Crouch Legweaks signatures for my autograph book.
RAD BRAD
Say rogue...maybe you can.
VELCRO
Huh?! Whaddya mean.
RAD BRAD
Lean in close, peep this idea.
SOUND: WHISPERING NOISES FROM RAD BRAD AND VELCRO
NARRATOR
So Rad Brad and Velcro nonsensically whisper to one
another some stupid plan while the astronauts Silly
Ride and Crouch Legweak prepare their shuttle for
launch. Come along listeners, let’s listen in.
SOUND: SHUTTLE BUTTON PRESSING SOUNDS THROUGHOUT
SILLY
No Crouch don’t touch that.
SOUND: SLAP SOUND
CROUCH
Aw Silly, but I wanna touch some of the buttons too!
SILLY
We went over this already! You’re a numbskull. Your
mission objective is to have a strong jaw line and look
pretty in front of a waving flag.
CROUCH
But I get to plant the flag in the moonthen soil right?
SILLY
If you behave.
CROUCH
Aw, well alright. (mutters) Moosh Moosh gets to push
buttons.
MOOSH MOOSH
Moosh Moosh!
SILLY
Moosh Moosh gets to push buttons because he’s the
smartest space monkey in the NOSO space program.

3.

MOOSH MOOSH
It’s not my first rodeo!
SILLY
He even speaks English.
CROUCH
I’m bored. Gonna eat a fish stick.
SOUND: SLAP SOUND
SILLY
Not yet! I told you already, not until we’ve exited the
stratosphere!
CROUCH
Aw crackers!
SILLY
Now hush! I’m starting the countdown sequence.
NOSO SPEAKER
Apulu you’re cleared for blast off.
SILLY
Roger that. Starting sequence.
SOUND: BUTTON PUSHING
NOSO SPEAKER
UNO dos tres quatro cinco cinco ses.... Blast off!
SOUND: BLAST OFF NOISES
CROUCH
Okay the shoes in the road. I’m grubbin fish sticks!
SILLY
Fine! If it’ll make you quiet for awhile.
SOUND: TRUNK OPENING SOUND
VELCRO
Surprise!
RAD BRAD
Surprise!
VELCRO
It’s me Velcro Fathoms and my pal Rad Brad!

4.

GOOSH GOOSH
Stowaways!
SILLY
Those kids snuck on in the fish stick crate!
VELCRO
We’re just here for some autographs folks. Favor us
with your handy John cock and we’ll get outta your
hair.
SILLY
You idiots! We’ve already blasted off!
GOOSH GOOSH
Fucking morons!
VELCRO
Ah Chee! Does that mean we get to go to the moon?
SILLY
That means our mission is in peril! We have just enough
Cavorite based on our exact shuttle weight, to get us
to and from the moon!
RAD BRAD
Damn rogue! What’s Cavorite?
GOOSH GOOSH
Cavorite is a fictional mineral that when ignited
reverses the polarity of gravity. It propelled our
craft off the earth, as it will later off the moon.
CROUCH
I have a bright idea. Ill eat their weight in freeze
dried fish and poop it out the jettison hole.
SILLY
That won’t work. The loss of processed consumables has
already been accounted for in the mission calculations.
CROUCH
Well, no harm no foul. NOM NOM NOM.
SILLY
Sigh. I’m afraid we’ll have to dump a passenger through
the airlock.
VELCRO
Oh no! Does this spell my doom?!

5.

RAD BRAD
Oh snaps!
SILLY
No we won’t be killing either of you. As mission
commander I am choosing to murder someone over both of
your collective body weight, that way killing only one
soul. We will kill one of our space monkeys.
GOOSH GOOSH
But those guys are chubbier than me!
SILLY
No goosh goosh. You’re far too essential to the
mission. I’m killing the other space monkee, Mickey
Dolenz.
MICKEY DOLENZ
Huh?!
RAD BRAD
Diznam I didn’t see a Monkee over there.
VELCRO
I thought he was a chubby mop!
MICKEY DOLENZ
You can’t kill me! I financed most of this NOSO mission
with my moms liquid paper inheritance money!
VELCRO
I thought that was Mike Nesmiths mom.
MICKEY DOLENZ
Details details. Next you’ll tell me I’m not a horse
jockey!
SILLY
Push him into the airlock everyone.
SOUND: TUSSLING NOISES
SOUND: COMPUTER VOICE "EVACUATING AIRLOCK"
SOUND: BUTTON PUSHING
MICKEY DOLENZ
Wait! You cant. Do this! Ill entertain you! (Singing)
but the porpoise is laughing goodbye goodbye
goodbye..."
SOUND: AIRLOCK SWOOSH OPENING MICKEY SCREAMING

6.
VELCRO
But wait, we were over the weight at blast off, don’t
we need to account for that and reduce our weight to a
greater degree to have enough Cavorite to blast off the
moon?
CROUCH
Ill eat more fish sticks NOM NOM NOM
SILLY
No I was just lying, Cavorite is nearly weightless we
got enough to take us to the end of the universe.
I was planning on killing him anyway...he never replied
to my fan mail.
CROUCH
This is boring. Where’s the moon? Are we there yet?
MOOSH MOOSH
No Crouch. Shut up.
SILLY
It’s another 3 days before we land on the moon. Behave
and be quiet or I’ll turn this shuttle around.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
NARRATOR
And so our heroes continued there 3 day flight to the
moon. Passing the time by viewing the earth from the
majesty of space and generally delighting in the thrill
of zero gravity, mostly with games of pee swords. Lets
rejoin our crew Silly Ride, Crouch Legweak, Moosh
Moosh, Rad Brad and Velcro at the next relevant plot
point as they pilot their tin can towards a safe
landing on the moon.
SOUND: BUTTON NOISES/ENGINE NOISE
SILLY
Orienting the Apullu craft for landing.
MOOSH MOOSH
Igniting Cavorite engine for landing speed.
VELCRO
Look out the window Rad Brad! We’re some of the first
humans to see the moon up close with our own eyes! It’s
a scene of tranquility!
RAD BRAD
Yeah and I think I see the fabled Man in the Moon face
over there? It kinda looks like Bryan Adams.

7.

VELCRO
Nah I think that’s just a regular moon mountain with
some craters.
SOUND: ZAPPING NOISES
VELCRO
Yikes! What was that!
SILLY
Strange! We just passed though an energy array of some
form.
RAD BRAD
Yo I can’t peep nuthing anymore!
MOOSH MOOSH
We’re in cloud cover. The moon has an atmosphere!
CROUCH
Whats atmosphere? I can still plant the flag right?
SILLY
Quiet Crouch! I’m generating calculations in the
computer.
SOUND: COMPUTER NOISES
SILLY
Computer analysis indicates that the energy array we
passed through was advanced holographic imaging. Some
intelligence must have generated it to keep us from
seeing whats really going on down there.
CROUCH
Holy cow!...We have a computer?! I could have been
playing Dem Mad Birds all along.
MOOSH MOOSH
Look the clouds are dissipating an the surface of the
moon is revealing itself!
SILLY
Clearly the moon is inhabited, look over there- it
appears to be blocks of smart live/work lofts.
VELCRO
That looks like agricultural plots over there- they’re
growing something that looks like kale.
RAD BRAD
And there’s roads too!

8.
VELCRO
But no one’s driving cars. I can see creatures riding
fixed gear road bikes.
SILLY
I’m steering the craft for a landing, we’re going to
have to come down in that grassy field over there. It
looks like an open area with stages for musical
performances... like Coachella.
SOUND: SHIP NOISES LANDING SOUNDS
CROUCH
I need to go potty.
RAD BRAD
Snaps, there’s aliens out there.
MOOSH MOOSH
Humanoids!
VELCRO
They look almost like us but so skinny, beardy and
glassy eyed.
SILLY
Strange, they seem disaffected by our landing amongst
them.
CROUCH
Can I plant the flag now?! Can I plant the flag now?!
SILLY
Okay Crouch. The computer reads an earthlike
atmosphere. Whether these creatures are friendly or not
has yet to be determined, but its best we reveal
ourselves and make our presence known. Open the shuttle
hatch Moosh Moosh.
SOUND: DOORS OPENING
MUSIC: TRENDY MUSIC
CROUCH
Outta my way. I wanna make the first small step.
SOUND: WALKING DOWN STAIRS.
SILLY
Stay together everyone. And remember where we parked.
SOUND: CAR LOCKING BLOOP BLEEP
SOUND: CROWD ALIEN MILLING CLICKING

9.

VELCRO
We’re milling about amongst them now but they’re barely
looking at us.
SILLY
I’m going to engage one of them. Excuse me sir/er
ma’am. We come in peace-FEMALE ALIEN 1
Ugh. Excuse me.
RAD BRAD
Lemme try...Ay rogue, we’re from earth, wazzup?
MALE ALIEN 2
Hey, you look all right. Got any molly?
RAD BRAD
What’s that?
MALE ALIEN 2
Ugh...Whatever!
VELCRO
Say... That alien is looking at us, and heading this
way in a nonchalant manner.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS
GRAN LOONIE
Uh, hey guys. Sigh. Why the fuck are you guys here?
SILLY
We’re on a mission of exploration, representing the
earth.
CROUCH
Yeah an I get to plant the flag!
SOUND: FLAG PLANTING
GRAN LOONIE
Uh. Yeah nationalism’s not that cool man.
VELCRO
Well my name’s Velcro and these are some of my pals! We
really are excited to meet you...what’s your name?
GRAN LOONIE
Ugh. Really? Yeah, I’m Gran Loonie, and my people are
known as the Cavalerians. Look, your guys arrival here
is...totally lame. Just follow me, we need to talk. We
can go to like this cafe nearby, it’s a laundromat too
(MORE)

10.

GRAN LOONIE (cont’d)
or whatever, and
decent. Naw, you
over there right
hash this out. I
you guys some.

they have shows, but the coffees
know what forget it, I think my ex is
now. Lets just go back to my place and
got like homebrew, guess I could give

MUSIC: SCI FI MUSIC
NARRATOR
And so Crouch Legweak, Silly Rider, Moosh Moosh, Velcro
and Rad Brad strolled with Gran Loonie through the
strange moon terrain, on a mission to Gran Loonie’s
house for some reason or another. Y’know I kinda like
the posturing of this Gran Loonie guy. Does he have
reason to beef with our crew? I could give him a few.
Anyway, lets rejoin the gang to find out if this
stories going anywhere.
GRAN LOONIE
All right. Here we are.
SILLY
So are you the leader of the Cavalerians Gran Loonie?
GRAN LOONIE
Leader? Nah, we don’t need a leader. Everyone’s cool
here man.
VELCRO
You’re all equals or something? What about money and
your economy?
GRAN LOONIE
Ugh. Economy? You mean work? We’ve evolved past such
base animal things...and we all have trust funds.
RAD BRAD
Ay Rogue, we askin a lot of questions. Whatchu wanna
know about us?
GRAN LOONIE
I know everything I want to know of your kind and I
don’t like it. You...re lame. And a threat to our way
of life!
VELCRO
Aw chee! You’re pretty rude mister!
SILLY
Yeah and it’s not as though your culture is so
different then ours!

11.

CROUCH
I wanna drive in the moon buggy!
GRAN LOONIE
Not that different!? We are years ahead of you!
MOOSH MOOSH
--Yeah, like 5 years!
VELCRO
Moosh Moosh, where have you come from?
MOOSH MOOSH
I was just round the back talking to Gran Loonies
gardener.
VELCRO
Gardener? But he said there was no work here.
MOOSH MOOSH
Maybe there is no work...for the Cavalerians. But this
gardener was a Nativian! Apparently the Cavalerians
came here 5,000 years ago, took over their
neighborhoods and now use them for all the menial
labor.
GRAN LOONIE
What the fuck man? That’s ridiculous. The Cavalerians
and Nativians are totally down with each other, I dig
their beer and they make bomb chimmychongas.
SILLY RIDE
Moosh Moosh! You said something about 5 years...what
did you mean?
MOOSH MOOSH
That’s right! The Cavalerians are so much like us
because they use an Obsur-O-Ray to pirate Earth culture
and ape our trends!
GRAN LOONIE
That’s a lie man! The Obscu-O-Ray only downloads Earths
underground music, independent films and radical
literature. And what’s more, it bends space time and
returns only the most righteous culture to us, from 5
years in your future.
SILLY
And in that way you are always ahead of the curve! Into
everything BEFORE it is cool!

12.

VELCRO
I dunno seems like if the Cavalerians were cool, they’d
make their own cultural expressions and have a more
egalitarian way of life with the Nativians.
GRAN LOONIE
Fuck you man what do you know? I got a band and hella
followers on my blog. This is exactly what I mean about
you lame Earthers, you guys suck.
CROUCH LEGWEAK
Can I go home now?
SILLY
Yes Crouch, for once I agree with your petulent pleas.
We’ll leave you Gran Loonie and your haughty little
satellite.
GRAN LOONIE
Now hold on, what makes you think we could ever let you
leave? Once Earth finds out about our hip corner of the
solar system...there goes the neighborhood bro.
RAD BRAD
Snaps! You fin ta trap us here?!
GRAN LOONIE
I am fin to do just that...yes.
EVERYONE (SANS VELCRO)
Oh Snaps!
VELCRO
Crickey!
MUSIC: TRANSITION
NARRATOR
Uh oh! It seems our heroes are deep in it now! Whatever
might they do, condemned to spend the remainder of
their days among the Cavalerians,strangers in a strange
land. Will our heroes hatch a plan of escape? Well
probably, lets listen in as teh inevitable unfolds.
CROUCH
Boy oh boy! It sure was cool of Gran Loonie to put us
up in such a nice home!
SILLY
Weren’t you listening you nimrod. He may have provided
us with decent accomodations, but he also informed us
that we are never to leave!

13.
VELCRO
Aw chee! But Im gonna miss my mommy something terrible,
this just wont work for me.
SOUND:DOOR KNOCK THEN OPENING
GOOSH GOOSH
Oh hi Manual. Guys this is Manual, the Nativian that
was doing Gran Loonies gardening.
MANUAL
Yes Gran Loonie wanted to make sure you are fed, so
I’ve brought a meal plate from me familias resteraunt.
CROUCH
Alright! Im starving!
SOUND: PLATES BEING HANDED OUT
SILLY
Thank you Manual. Can you tell us, do you know of any
weaknesses of these Cavalerians? How can we escape?
MANUAL
Well you’re free to walk about, however there are
Cavalerians guarding your ship until it can be broken
down for parts for this years Burning Boy festival,
good luck getting close to it.
VELCRO
Drats, sounds like the Apullu shuttle will be
inoprative soon!
SILLY
That just means we need to act quick is all!
Manual...do they have a weakness? What makes these
Cavalerians different.
MANUAL
Well...they do need obscure music to live, that’s why
the Obscure-a-ray downloads underground sounds from
earths near future and constantly pipes it through the
moons soundsytems. They digest it somehow through their
nervous system and it allows them to live.
SILLY
Say...might subjecting the Cavalerians to the opposite
type of music have a reverse effect? Like some kind of
Craptonite?
MANUAL
Gee, I dunno lady. I’ve never heard any other kind of
music around, not so much as a single catchy pop tune.

14.
SILLY
Crouch, empty your pockets!
CROUCH
No why should I!
SILLY
I saw you put somehting in there and I want it
now...just do it or Im putting you on time out!
CROUCH
Aw dagnabit fine here you go, I’ll empty my pockets.
SOUND:EMPTYING POCKETS
SILLY
There it is! Mickey Dolenz mp3 player! I thought I saw
you squirrel that away.
CROUCH
Aw I was only borrowing it.
SOUND:IPOD SCROLLING SOUND
SILLY
Perfect! Look at all these culturally irrelevant
songs...bubble gum pop from the 60’s and 70’s!
VELCRO
Silly, I really dont see how this is going to help us!
SILLY
Listen. Goosh Goosh. It looks like theres a laptop
computer over there that Gran Loonie provided us, do
you think you can hack into the Cavalerian main audio
feed and replace it with the sounds from Mickey Dolenz
mo3 player.
GOOSH GOOSH
Well, it should be a simple matter. I did double major
in computer and electrical engineering at astronaut
college. But Im not sure with an alien computer
language, but its worth a shot. Let me start it up and
see...
SOUND: MAC STARTUP SOUND
GOOSH GOOSH
Lemme just close these browser windows
here...pitchfork, tumblr, reddit...okay yeah..this
looks familiar... I’m opening the DOS Ram boullion
portal...(CLICK CLICK CLICK) here hook up the mp3
player (CLICK CLICK CLICK) oh yeah thats it, I’m going
through the back door! (CLICK CLICK CLICK)

15.

MUSIC: SEGUE
NARRATOR
ALright... so lets be clear here with the story so far.
We have Velcro and Rad Brad (who stowed away on the
Apullu 13 piloted by the astronauts Silly Ride, Crouch
Legweak and their space Monkey Goosh Goosh) trapped on
the moon, held captive by the Cavalerians who have
obscured the moons habitability, subjegated the
Nativians and now try to keep our heroes from piloting
home. They seem to be hatching a plan
wherein utilizing a dead Mickey Dolenz mp3 player to
pipe sappy old pop tunes directly into the nervous
systems of the Cavelerians in order to subdue them so
they can make their escape. Riiiiggggghhhhttt. Um
waiter, theres some suspension in my dibelief. Whats
the point of it all? Fuck if I know, just enjoy the
rest of our story.
SOUND:DOOR OPENING
SILLY
Okay everyone ready? I can hear the old 60’s bubblegum
pop being piped out through the moon terrain. It’s now
or never.
MUSIC: SOME BUBBLEGUM POP
VELCRO
Alright gang, remember just run as fast as you can
towards the Apullu spaceship.
RAD BRAD
Aight on the count of three y’all...1...2...-CROUCH
--Wait!!
SILLY
What is it?!
CROUCH
I lost my yo-yo round here somewhere.
GOOSH GOOSH
Aw just forget it you handsome moron! And a THREE!
SOUND: TAKING OFF RUNNING
VELCRO
That’s it everyone just keep running!

16.

SILLY
Wait I don’t think it’s working! All the Cavalerians
are just staring at us.
GRAN LOONIE
Wait wait wait! So you are all planning an escape are
you? Ha Ha, so it was you that pirated our pirate music
feed?
VELCRO
Huh?!
RAD BRAD
Oh snaps!
GRAN LOONIE
Well then I suppose I should thank you....You see us
Cavalerians have been so busy plumming the depths of
obscure music five years in your future, that we
neglected to trow your human past for discarded pop
remains. ha Ha! I suppose this music was misunderstood
in your own past, but we find it ironically cool. Ha Ha
ha Ha Ha!
SILLY
Well gang we gave it our best shot.
GOOSH GOOSH
Hold on a second if they think this music is cool, our
plan may still work, we can just sing a lame
contemporary mainstream song!
RAD BRAD
Thats it rogue! Ay Velcro, sing your favorite song!
VELCRO
What?! But my favorite song is really good and self
empowering!
SILLY
Just do it Velcro!!
VELCRO
Well... OK! "You don’t have to feel like a wasted space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
"
GRAN LOONIE
What?! Ouch!...Just stop that...it hurts real
bad....please!

17.
CROUCH
Oh I like this song! "Maybe you reason why all the
doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect
road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it’s time you’ll know
"
VELCRO (UNISON)
"Maybe you reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect
road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it’s time you’ll know
"
SILLY
Thats it everyone! THe Cavalerians are starting to
writh in pain. Make a run for it again!
SOUND: RUNNING NOISE
SILLY
Lets all us sing along until we make it to the ship!
SILLY,VELCRO,RAD BRAD, CROUCH, GOOSH GOOSH
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
’Cause, baby, you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make ’em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You’re gonna leave ’em all in awe, awe, awe
SOUND: STAIR RUNNING/ DOOR CLOSING SOUND
SILLY
Great we are back on the ship! I am firing systems up
now.
SOUND: SPACESHIP SOUNDS
VELCRO AND CROUCH
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through-ough-ough

18.

SILLY
Great guys you can stop singing now....guys?
GOOSH GOOSH
Y’all better shut the fuck up fore I go monkey shines
on your ass!
VELCRO
(COUGH COUGH)
RAD BRAD
Damn. Looks like we did it y’all.
SILLY
Engines ignited and blasting off.
SOUND: SPACESHIP BLAST OFF SOUNDS
VELCRO
That song is...special to me.
SILLY
Well, it’s 3 days back to earth from here. I don’t
suppose you want to write up the report do you Crouch?
CROUCH
I wanna eat fishsticks!
MOOSH MOOSH
All out of fishsticks dumb ass..you ate them all.
VELCRO
Chee, I’m sure glad everything worked out so great-RAD BRAD
--It did’nt, we all outta fishsticks.
VELCRO
And we had such a fun adventure! You guys are such good
pals...I dare say, you’re...interstellar!
EVERYONE
GROAN (OR YAY...DO BOTH SEE WHICH IS BETTER)
MUSIC:
NARRATOR
Well listeners, that was certainly something...Wasn’t
it! In point of fact that was the latest episode of The
Velcro Audiosseys. We hope you found the story keen, be
sure to turn in next episode for another exciting
edition of the Velcro Audiosseys!!!!