Velcro Gets Hep

VELCRO GETS HEP
NARRATOR
Welcome youngsters and old farts alike, to another
exciting Velcro Adventure! Today our hero boogies right
into a caper set in the jumping jazzy club scene. Will
this adventure blow your horn? Stayed tuned to VELCRO
GETS HEP and find out.
First friends, let me tell you that this episode of
Velcro’s Adventures was NOT brought to you by Coca
Cola! Coca Cola , the sugary, sludgy, syrup juice. Coca
cola relies on the instability in Sudan for cheap
sourcing of gum Arabic, coke decimates the water
supplies of poor communities in India, Mexico and
around the world. Coke has murdered union activists
in Guatemala and otherwise subjected workers throughout
their supply chain to dehumanizing degrading treatment.
So friends when you feel the need for refreshment, pop
open the tap and pour yourself a glass of tap water, a
public resource that’s healthy, regulated and not
governed by cruel corporate greedy tyrants!
MUSIC: HAPPY BUBBLY INTRO
NARRATOR
And now friends... Velcro in... Velcro Gets Hep! Our
story opens in Velcro’s favorite after school digs,
Fifi’s Malt Shoppe.
SOUND: CHIMING DOOR OPENS
VELCRO
Good afternoon Fifi... I would like to order-FIFI
--let me guess Velcro... A malted beverage!?
VELCRO
You guessed it! The usual for me, malted milk with a
side of malted french fries.
FIFI
And one greasy grey hair from a top of my head.
VELCRO
While I’ve come to expect it, I wouldn’t recommend
advertising it.
CON RAPER
Advertising did someone say advertising?
SOUND: CHIMING DOOR OPENS

2.

VELCRO
Yikes, it’s a sharp dressed man.
SOUND: ZZTOP RIFF
FIFI
Hey we don’t wan any trouble, this is a simple malt
beverage establishment. I am not running a front
operation for money laundering and dog fighting in ze
back of my kitchen.
CON RAPER
Relax, I’m no Federal suit, I’m Con Raper - ad man.
Here’s my card.
SOUND: SWOOSHING SOUND
FIFI
Lets see. Happy Arbor Day?
CON RAPER
Read the inside.
FIFI
I see, it reads "Go plant a tree dummy, we got lots
more cards to print."
VELCRO
Say that’s pretty good writing.
CON RAPER
Yeah. I am whiz with words, an advertising genius. But
right now I’m ccelebrating. Line me up a scotch.
FIFI
Soccer blue! But zis is a youth diner! We serve only
malted teenaged beverages!
CON RAPER
But scotch is malted. And aged for teens of years.
FIFI
Oh. You are a very persuasive man. In zat case.
SOUND: POURING SOUND
VELCRO
Mr Raper, what is it your celebrating?
SOUND: SHOT BEING CHUGGED AND SLAMMED DOWN

3.

CON RAPER
Well. I just landed a huge account. It’s the
new pharmaceutical from IB Furbin. This drug
effectively combats BCS, Bullied Cretin Syndrome by
making teenagers who drink it hep and cool.
VELCRO
Bullied Cretin Syndrome? I’ve been called a cretin, and
I sure get clobbered time to time, but I’m happy with
who I am.
CON RAPER
Hmmph. Well how about the rest of us kid?
FIFI
It might be nice if you had a bit more ’zwan de bieb’
Velcro.
CON RAPER
I got a bottle right here. Why not give it a shot kid?
SOUND: BOTTLE SET ON TABLE
VELCRO
Well I can’t say no to a man in a suit so...
SOUND: VELCRO CHUGS
VELCRO
S’up brahs. Wanna go gnarl a half pipe on some boards?
CON RAPER
See you sound hipper all ready.
VELCRO
Woah. That felt weird...tastes pretty good though.
CON RAPER
The purple flavor helps it go down easy. It’s called
Dablizz. Have another swig, a few more ounces will take
all your symptoms of BCS away.
VELCRO
Hmm. No thanks. I should consult my pediatrician before
I decide if Dablizz is right for me.
CON RAPER
Wow. You really are a cretin...Say, you may be just the
cretin we need.
VELCRO
Huh? Whaldya mean?

4.

CON RAPER
We need a teenager just like you for a national radio
ad for Dablizz.
FIFI
WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA? Velcro?! A famous radio
actor?
CON RAPER
Why not? He’s got just the look for radio. Whaddya say
kid?
VELCRO
Well. I got a bad feeling about this. But since I’m
highly susceptible to confident and authoritative
people...okay!
CON RAPER
Let’s go straight away to a recording studio. Malt
keep, I’ll take that bottle for the road.
NARRATOR
And so Velcro and Con sped off to the audio recording
studio, stopping off at Velcro’s home to get a contract
signature from Velcro’s mom.
CON RAPER
And to shtup her.
NARRATOR
Pardon me? Shtup?
CON RAPER
It’s a quaint, antiquated casual slang term. It means
fuck.
NARRATOR
You shtupped Velcro’s mother? That’s terrible!
CON RAPER
It was, but don’t you say so. I never shtup and tell.
NARRATOR
Never mind that, why are you butting into my narration?
CON RAPER
We’re going to need that microphone for Velcro’s
advertisement recording.
NARRATOR
Oh very well.
SOUND: MICROPHONE SHUFFLE SOUND

5.

CON RAPER
Here we are Velcro, we’re in the control booth and
through that glass is the studio. How do you like this
professional recording studio?
VELCRO
Gee it’s super swell, and it’s nice to stretch my legs.
Whyddya make me wait so long in your car anyhow?
CON RAPER
Never you mind that. Once Jermaine the audio engineer
finishes recording this jazz combo, we can cut out
commercial.
JERMAINE
Okay Baloobie, that sounded great, lets get one more
take starting at the 5th measure this time.
VELCRO
Hey that’s my old pal in there, Baloobie Amstrong!
MUSIC: REAL COOL JAZZ MUSIC
CON RAPER
It sounds good too, but lets rehearse our commercial.
Here take this, can you read copy?
SOUND: PAPER SHUFFLE
VELCRO
I dunno, is it like a facsimile?
CON RAPER
No this copy is original.
VELCRO
Well how’s it work?
CON RAPER
Just move your eyes left to right over the words and
say them out loud, but with verve.
VELCRO
Well okay, I’ll give it a shot!
SOUND: CLEARS THROAT / PAPER SHUFFLES
VELCRO
Say kids, are you like me? Or rather how I used to bea cretin, a clod, a nimrod, a goon! Well do like I didtry Dablizz! Dablizz is a grape flavored medicinal
drank that makes you hep. It’s not like those other
medicines, it gives you the skip in your step that
(MORE)

6.

VELCRO (cont’d)
nature denied you. If you suffer from Bullied Cretin
Syndrome and think Dablizz is right for you, talk to
you pediatrician. Side effects will probably include
suicidal thoughts, anal drippings, goopy elbows, fecal
breath-CON RAPER
--Okay okay! We’ll add that last bit later. Sounds good
though Velcro, you’re a natural. Hey perfect timing, it
looks like the bands wrapping up.
JERMAINE
Great guys that’s a take, come on out.
SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND BAND COMING THROUGH
BALOOBIE
Hey there Velcro, how do a you do?
VELCRO
Great! I’m a teenage testimonial actor now! This is my
new pal Con Raper. Con this is Baloobie Amstrong.
CON RAPER
Nice to meet you
BALOOBIE
Nice suit fella.
VELCRO
Say, what are you recording for?
BALOOBIE
We’re trying to cut a hot new track to bring in a
crowd. Attendance has been falling off at my Jazz club,
the Jam Hole. We may not be able to make rent!
VELCRO
Oh no!

But you’re club is always hopping!

BALOOBIE
Not anymore it isn’t. Ever since the smoking of reefer
has been legalized for medicinal use, the kids don’t
come to my club to hide in the dark corners of society
anymore.
CON RAPER
That’s terrible! If you ask me cannabis is a gateway
drug, and makes our youth lazy and dumb!

7.

BALOOBIE
I wouldn’t go that far, but it definitely should be
used in a safe environment like a back alley jazz club,
where complicated rhythms and structure dancing around
a bebop beat stimulate intellectual activity. A place
where community elders can share our knowledge with the
youth, like how to throw dice and avoid the clap.
CON RAPER
I share your concern with the well being of the youth.
VELCRO
Yeah, we are working on a campaign to make more kids
hep! Why don’t you sit in and listen to me cut this
commercial Baloobie?
BALOOBIE
That sounds way out man. I’ll smoke a stick and open my
ears to your hep sounds!
NARRATOR
And so they cut the commercial and I assure you
listeners it was real hep.
JERMAINE
And that’s a wrap Velcro. That was real hep.
CON RAPER
I concur! I’m going to run this tape straight to
Dablizz corporate. I think they’re going to love it.
BALOOBIE
Say Velcro, why don’t you boogie with me down to the
Jam Hole to celebrate?
VELCRO
Okay Baloobie, long as I’m home before dinner so my Mom
doesn’t clobber me!
SOUND: PEPPY JAZZ MUSIC
NARRATOR
And so the group departs. Con Raper off to a corporate
board room with the commercial that will cinch the
campaign for Dablizz, and Baloobie and Velcro off to
the Jam Hole. Is there any hope for this faltering hep
house? Let’s listen in and find out.
SOUND: SOMBER JAZZ MUSIC

8.

BALOOBIE
Welp here we are Velcro.
VELCRO
Boy you weren’t kidding, this place is in sorry shape.
That dark corner where the kids are usually piled in a
smoky haze is completely empty!
BALOOBIE
Yup. And there sits my candy and cigarettes gal, whose
yet to be groped and harrassed once today.
CANDY GIRL
Baloobie this place is grim! I live off tips and the
lack of any compensation today has been gratuities.
VELCRO
Gratuitous?
CANDY GIRL
Ah pound sand with yer ten-dollar words, I’m hittin the
skids!
SOUND:
GROUND

BANGING OF THE CANDY GIRLS BOX BEING THROWN TO THE

BALOOBIE
Well that was my last and best candy girl that just
quit. Maybe its time to shut up shop.
VELCRO
Oh no! I can’t imagine this fair city without you’re
dark and depressing jazz club in the back of the
dangerous and hidden alleyway. What’ll you do without
your Jam Hole Baloobie?
BALLOBIE
I dunno velcro, I dunno. Maybe I’ll retire...at the
bottom of a tall bridge.
NARRATOR
And just then. Ad man Con Raper returned,w ith a rush
through the doors!
SOUND: A BANGING OF THE DOORS, CON RUSHING IN/PANTING
CON RAPER
Baloobie, Velcro! I thought I’d find you here. I have
urgent news!
BALOOBIE
You’re panting and out of breath man!

9.

VELCRO
Yeah, what did you run all the way here?!
CON RAPER
No I took a cab. But I ran into a crying girl that
smelled of chocolate and cigarettes in the alley. I
shtupped her vigorously for consolation.
VELCRO
Well what’s the urgent news?
CON RAPER
The campaign is off Velcro. New research shows that the
kids don’t want Dablizz, turns out medical marijuana is
making all the kids hep already. Every prescription for
reefer out there is one lost potential customer. IG
Furbin pulled the account and called the campaign off.
BALOOBIE
Damn that madical marijuana, damn it to hell! Reeferonce the gas that gave the go to my hep jazz movement
has been co-opted by the medical community.
CON RAPER
It seems we’re on the wrong end of capitalist
consumption patterns this time.
VELCRO
Ah chee! How depressing!
CON RAPER
Wait a second! This gives me an idea! Huddle in close
for this one fellas
SOUND: PSS PSS PSS WHISPERING SOUNDS
NARRATOR
Though they were alone in a room together, and also
though their were no formidable foe to derail any
potential plan, the three saw fit to huddle in close
and whisper to one another, just as a narrative device
to heighten the suspense. And these words of narration
now serve to segue our story to the next location of
interest - Fifi’s Malt Shoppe. Lets join our friends
who have just explained their plan to Fifi!
SOUND:

BOUNCY FRENCH MUSIC

FIFI
Snocker zoo! So you want me to recreate ze chemical
compound of Dablizz?!

10.

CON RAPER
Yes, with these last few sips from the bottle I have,
and your sophisticated French palate it should be a
sinch!
VELCRO
Yeah! And you have all the equipment to manufacture
Dablizz, what with your side business of
methamphetamine manufacture.
FIFI
Wee wee wee wee wee. It iz a zimple matter of course!
But what I don’t understand iz that the IG Furbin
company research shows that the market has no interest
in Dablizz, so why make it at all?
CON RAPER
Well you see Fifi, what those bean counters have
neglected to quatify is the z factor, that
immeasurable, swinging barometer of cool. It is a
principle in marketing that everything moves from the
margins to the center. You see thats what
cannabis...reefer has now done. I realized that with
the mainstream embrace of the weed, the truely hep kids
will be looking for something new to be hep. And that
will be the budding flower of Dablizz
FIFI
Sure sure. Zat iz tray logical. But what is in it for
you Mr ad man?
CON RAPER
Well Fifi, it would be fallacy to think an ad man like
myself is motivated by money. While it is true I lost
my account for Dablizz and thus any potential profits,
what I would gain is the most important thing of
all...being the coolest and the most righteous. Con
Raper can’t stand for rejection, my revenge against IG
Furbin will be the success of Dablizz.
BALOOBIE
Yeah and my club will be the exclusive place for all
the hep kids to get Dablitzed!
VELCRO
Say this has been a fun and wholesome adventure pal, I
sure hope everything works out perfectly!
SOUND:

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

11.
NARRATOR
And so the friends plan was in motion: with Con Raper
losing his account to advertise the now cancelled
Dablizz product line, and Balloobie Amstrongs club the
Jam Hole on the brink of collapse, Fifi the malt shoppe
proprietor agrees to synthesize Dablize to be offered
illegally to the patrons of the Jam Hole based on Con
Rapers hunch that kids will soon tire of cannabis and
jones for a new fix thus saving the club and saving
face for Con Raper. Wait, what stake does Velcro even
have in this story? ----This doesn’t make any
goddamned sense! This is fucking ridiculous! Thank
Christ todays adventure is almost done with. Lets check
in with our pals a few weeks later at the Jam Hole and
see if their FUCKING LUDICROUS PLAN worked out.
SOUND: HOPPING WILD JAZZ MUSIC
VELCRO
Look around Baloobie! This place is packed, our plan
really worked out!
CON RAPER
Don’t you mean my plan Velcro? Never slight an ad mans
ego.
BALOOBIE
We do owe it all to your big brain Con. The Jam Hole is
back in business. The kids sure love getting hyped and
hep on Dablizz. You even managed to get my Candy Girl
back on the job, howd you manage that one?
CON RAPER
Well lets just say I made her an offer she couldn’t
refuse.
VELCRO
Ah, ya shtupped her!
CON RAPER
Yes. Yes I did.
VELCRO
Well I’m sure glad things worked out for everyone.
reckon I gotta get home now for dinner.
BALOOBIE
Ah wait just a few minutes longer Velcro. I got a new
number I practiced especially for you.
VELCRO
Chee, I’m sorry Baloobie, but if I don’t get home my
Mom will clobber me!

12.

CON RAPER
That’s okay Velcro, I’ll drive you home afterwards and
I can pacify your mothers anger.
VELCRO
What...you’ll shtupp her? But what’ll my Dad say?
CON RAPER
Thank you I imagine, have you seen your mother?
VELCRO
Well, hmm. okay! Let’s hear that number Baloobie!
SOUND: THE MUSIC TO ’HELLO DOLLY’ STARTS UP. BALOOBIE SINGS
THE FULL SONG BUT TO REPLACES ’DOLLY’ WITH ’VELCRO’
NARRATOR
Well kids! This has been an exciting Audible Velcro
Adventure. Tune in next month for another hep story,
and remember - fuck Coca-Cola...don’t drink that shit!