Velcro Versus the Wizard

VELCRO VERSUS THE WIZARD
MUSIC: NEWTDICK RIFFS TO OPEN THE SHOW
SOUND: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
NARRATOR
Welcome ghouls and goons, monsters and mooks,
another edition of The Velcro Audiosseys! The
season brings with it a special adventure for
and his pals, so prepare yourself for a feast
in Velcro Versus the Wizard!

to
Halloween
Velcro
of fear

SOUND: AUDIENCE APPLAUSE
NARRATOR
As a blanket of darkness set upon Hooeytown USA, its
denizens prepared for a night of festive revelry. Our
story begins in the family adobe of Velcro Fathoms as
his mother puts the final touches on his holiday garb.
VELCRO
BZzzZZZ BZZZZzzzzZZ BZZZZ
MOM
UNINTELLIGIBLE SCREAM
VELCRO
Aw Mom how can I hold still when I’m so excited about
my bumble bee costume
MOM
UNINTELLIGIBLE SCREAM
VELCRO
Golly look you got my wings clipped on and I look so
sassy, ready for the trick N treats.
MOM
UNINTELLIGIBLE SCREAMS
VELCRO
Thanks Mama! Chee how I love you. BZZZzzZZZ BZZZzzz
Imma bee Imma bee Imma bumble bumble bumble bee.
RAD BRAD
Boogety Boogety Boo!
SOUND: AUDIENCE GASPS

2.

RAD BRAD
S’up Dog!
VELCRO
Hey, it’s my coolest pal Rad Brad! You snuck into my
house and gave a fright!
RAD BRAD
That I did dawg. It’s all hollows eve, an occasion for
japes N goofs an shit.
VELCRO
Then I guess it’s alright, but good thing my Mom sewed
padded lining into my costume, I squirt a little when
scurred!
RAD BRAD
Damn Ms Fathoms. Ya made a fine costume indeed. May I
say you put the honey in that baby bee?
MOM
SCREECH!
RAD BRAD
And may I say you’re lookin mighty fetching tonight Ms
Fathoms?
MOM
SCREECH!
RAD BRAD
Well thank you. It’s like I always say, "Don’t playa
hate... pollinate!"
VELCRO
Chee, what the heck is your costume s’posed to be
anyhow Rad Brad? It looks like what I’m not s’posed to
see when my Dad does sit ups.
RAD BRAD
This? I’m a California raisin homey. It’s a dope
costume cause I can keep my shades on.
SOUND: AUDIENCE "DEAL WITH IT"
RAD BRAD
Aight rogue, we best hit the street to get our tricks n
treats. You know Rad Brad gotsta get his.
MOM
SCREECH

3.
VELCRO
Yeah Mom I have my flashlight and jape whistle, we’ll
see you in a lil while!
RAD BRAD
Peep ya later Ms Fathoms!
SOUND: DOOR SFX
SOUND: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
MUSIC: NEWTDICK JAMS TO SEGUE
NARRATOR
And so Rad Brad and Velcro begin their journey to fill
their sacks with sugar. But across town the local
hooligans, the Bruise Crew, commence to meet in their
clubhouse, led by billy bash.
SOUND: AUDIENCE YAMMERS
BILLY BASH
Okay youse guys okay! I’m calling this here meeting to
order, so y’all listen good..okay?! Firstly, lets take
role. Secretary Dr. Scab.
DR SCAB
Right here boss!
BILLY BASH
Okays. Treasurer Fingers?
FINGERS
Present and accounting for.
BILLY BASH
Accounting for what?
FINGERS
The dues boss.
BILLY BASH
Hey! I’m the say so around here, I lay out all the
do’s... and don’ts for that matter. Now, moving on,
where’s my head of security Smashin Suzy?
SUZY
Here Johnny!
BILLY BASH
Alright so lets get to it gang. This is Halloween. The
night for tricks and treats right? And while the Bruise
Crew is not known to be sweet, we got plenty of tricks
up our sleeves, do I hear you?

4.
SOUND: AUDIENCE YEAHS
BILLY BASH
Will we be clobbering nimrods?!
SOUND: AUDIENCE YEAHS
BILLY BASH
Will we be housing tipi’s?!
SOUND: AUDIENCE "NO THAT’S RACIALLY INSENSITIVE"
BILLY BASH
Pardon me... Will we be tee peeing houses?
SOUND: AUDIENCE YEAHS
BILLY BASH
Will we be smashing pumpkins To-nigh-I-ight?!
SOUND: AUDIENCE YEAHS
BILLY BASH
Good. I think we’re ready. But there’s just one more
thing. Should we run into Velcro Fathoms or any of his
pals and cohorts, we are going to pay them special
attention, ya hear. I intend to give that goober a
fright he wont soon forget! (devious laugh)
SOUND: AUDIENCE:DUN DUN DUNNNNNN
MUSIC: NEWTDICK JAM TRANSITION
NARRATOR
Uh oh, looks like their may be trouble for Velcro and
Rad Brad. Up to this point their evening had been
rather uneventful as they went door to door ringing
bells and claiming spoils. Let’s rejoin them just as
they run into their old pal Goosh Goosh the monkey.
VELCRO
Golly! It’s our pal Goosh Goosh the monkey! Hai Goosh
Goosh.
GOOSH GOOSH
Hi Velcro, hi Rad Brad.
RAD BRAD
S’up G.
VELCRO
Looks like your trick N treating too, but your not even
sporting a costume.

5.
GOOSH GOOSH
And why should I? I just tell all these dumb fucks I’m
a normal kid dressed as a monkey!
VELCRO
Well Chee! That’s not quite in the proper spirit!
GOOSH GOOSH
Ah balogna! I’ll tell ya the real thrill...normally
folks spect me to wear clothes, but while pretending to
be in a monkey costume I can walk around fully nude.
RAD BRAD
Damn, you is nude! That’s nasty. I thought at first you
were carrying a bruised banana.
VELCRO
Say, why don’tcha join us on the trick n treat trail
Goosh Goosh.
GOOSH GOOSH
Sure thing!
VELCRO
Lets visit this house right here.
RAD BRAD
Hold up y’all. My folks say to avoid this house, dude
that lives here is a pedophile or some shit.
VELCRO
Aw shaw! My Mom says not to be intolerant of people of
different religions, so come on!
RAD BRAD
Aighight.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS, DOORBELL , DOOR OPEN
VELCRO RAD BRAD GOOSH GOOSH (IN UNISON)
Trick N Treat!!
PEDO PETE
Oh. Goodness me. Hello boys... So you would like a
treat?
VELCRO
Well chee, that is the customary conclusion to this
traditional ritual.
PEDO PETE
Yes it is. Your costumes are so lovely. I love that
handsome little banana young man.

6.

GOOSH GOOSH
Uh, thanks I guess? Your ballerina tutu is pretty nice
as well.
PEDO PETE
(giggle) Well onto our treats I suppose boys.
SOUND: SWOOHSING NOISE AND THEN POP POP POP (HANDING NOISES)
PEDO PETE
Here you are. Large, juicy, red, firm, sumptuous
apples.
VELCRO
Uh thanks sir.
PEDO PETE
You should eat them now.
GOOSH GOOSH
Sure enough. I love an apple!
SOUND: BITING INTO APPLE SOUND
PEDO PETE
The rest of you too.
VELCRO
If it’s the same to you I’d rather save it for later.
PEDO PETE
Make a foolish man happy, I like watching my apples be
enjoyed.
RAD BRAD
Back off homey. I aint eatin nuthin what don’t have
preservatives!
SOUND: FALLING DOWN SOUNDS
VELCRO
Jimminy! Goosh Goosh has passed out cold.
PEDO PETE
Oh my however could that have happened. You should
bring him inside to be attended to.
VELCRO
Heck no mister! Lets get outta here Rad Brad.
SOUND: SWOOSH

7.

RAD BRAD
I gots Goosh Goosh thrown over my shoulder as if my
ears hung low, lets kick rocks.
SOUND: RUNNING, HUFFING AND PUFFING
VELCRO
That creepy man poisoned Goosh Goosh or somethin.
RAD BRAD
My moms was right, pedophiles aint no good. Guess it is
coo to employ religious bigotry in some cases.
VELCRO
Lets head towards that house on the corner and call for
help. What’s the emergency number again?
RAD BRAD
It’s 9 1 1. Never forget that Velcro. Never.
VELCRO
Oh no! This house is the creepy ole mansion all us kids
are spooked by.
RAD BRAD
Oh snaps! Legend tells the master of the house is a
practitioner of the dark arts, the wizard Fargone!
VELCRO
Gulp. Well whatever he is there is no time to spare.
Goosh Goosh is in a sorry state and needs help stat.
Lets just face our fears and hope the inhabitants of
this domicile are nice.
RAD BRAD
We at the door but I cant see a bell no wheres!
VELCRO
Look here’s a brass dragon head on the door with a
giant nose ring lemme give it a wrap.
RAD BRAD
Wait! You’re the DJ I’m the rapper. Lemme do it.
SOUND: LARGE DOOR WRAPPING, DOOR CREAKING AND SLOWLY OPENING
SOUND: AUDIENCE DUN DUN DUNNNNNN
WIZARD FARGONE
Greetings.

8.

RAD BRAD
Fresh. You aint a wizard. You just look like a regular
kinda old man.
VELCRO
Say Mister, couldja help us out? Our lil pal Goosh
Goosh-WIZARD FARGONE
--Hold it hold it! I didn’t hear a trick or treat!
VELCRO
Chee sir, we’re in a big rush, our pal Goosh Goosh has
been poisoned. Can we use your phone?
FARGONE
I have not a phone. But a regular kind of man like
myself might have a few other tricks up his sleeve.
VELCRO
Tricks? Sleeve? D’ya mean to say yer a wizard after
all?
FARGONE
Of course I am! Just imagine- if regular mortals dress
like a wizard on Halloween, what might a Wizard dress
like?
VELCRO
What? A naked monkey?
RAD BRAD
Yo this is whack Velcro, lets peace out!
FARGONE
You will do nothing of the sort!
SOUND: ZAP AND SMOKE SOUND
SOUND: AUDIENCE GASPS
MUSIC: NEWTDICK
NARRATOR
Oh my goodness, how suspenseful right?! I know! This is
just the height of drama. Before we find out who’s
standing behind that door, let me direct your attention
to the nearby bushes where Billy Bash and his Bruise
Crew cohorts- whom have been following our heroes- now
lurk and surely have a dastardly plot up their sleeves.

9.

SUZY
We sure been lurking a good long while.
BILLY BASH
Yes, but our plan is now afoot.
DR SCAB
A foot? Do you mean to say its stinky?
BILLY BASH
Shut up or I’ll clobber you. This plan is going to
unfold okay? Here’s what we’re gonna do. Weez gonna
sneak round this house in through the back entrance,
find those goobers and we’re gonna rough em up real
nice.
FINGERS
But boss. Did you see all that smoke? It’s like they
say, the guy what lives here is a wizard or something.
I think he disappeared them.
BILLY BASH
Hey are you yellow or something? This is Halloween,
that was just some kinda trick. This is like wanna
those haunted house gimmicks or something. But weez
gunna sneak in and give them all the real scare.
DR SCAB
I dunno Boss. I’ve heard things.
BILLY BASH
Hear this youse. Youse all will do as I say or face a
fate worse than clobberin. Cappesh?
DR SCAB, FINGERS, SUZY
Yeah boss!
BILLY BASH
Now listen up. First...weez gonna wet willy em!
SOUND: AUDIENCE "YEAHS"
BILLY BASH
Then weez gunna box their ears!
SOUND: AUDIENCE "YEAHS"
SUZY
How about wedgies boss?
BILLY BASH
Wedgies, oh yeah we’ll give them wedgies. But for the
coup de grace. We’ll be giving Velcro and his pack of
(MORE)

10.

BILLY BASH (cont’d)
goons nudgies until they cry. (EViL LAUGH) So just
follow me, we’ll sneak in round the back and give em a
fright they wont soon forget.
SOUND: AUDIENCE DUN DUN DUNNNNNN
MUSIC: NEWTDICK JAM TRANSITION
VELCRO
Okay mister, you got us into your creepy wizard
mansion, now can you help us out please?
WIZARD FARGONE
Hmmm, I may have an incantation that will help your
handsome little friend Goosh Goosh.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"Upon night of fiends, upon night of ghouls,
3 friends quest for sugar jewels.
One boy stupid, one boy cool. One boy hairy and also
nude.
In deep slumber reached through turn of chance.
To solution find, be not askance,
if you dare its in your grasp, just reach inside the
wizards pants!"
VELCRO
Alright! Ya got a serum or something in there, I’ll
just reach in and-RAD BRAD
--Damn Velcro! Don’t go in there! This guy nasty too.
WIZARD FARGONE
What?! It cant be in my pants? But you’d probably
believe me if I said something about a newts eye right?
VELCRO
Lets just cut out the malarkey mister, our pal here is
in dire straits, can ya help us or not?
WIZARD FARGONE
Okay okay. I’ll help you out. Besides the antidote,
which truly is inside of my pants...there are
ingredients for a brew on the table over there, buried
deep within the wizard boxes. I warn you, this task
will not be for the faint of heart. I dare you now to
reach within the 3 boxes, and pull the contents out
(MORE)

11.

WIZARD FARGONE (cont’d)
from within, if you have the heart to complete this
task I can cure your friend.
RAD BRAD
What the fuck? You just happen to have the ingredients
to cure Goosh Goosh even though ya don’t know what’s
wrong with him?
VELCRO
C’mon Rad Brad, we just have to do it, we have no time
to lose. Here I’ll reach inside the first box...
SOUND: SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH
VELCRO
This box has a bunch of spaghetti in it-WIZARD FARGONE
That’s not spaghetti!Its brains!
VELCRO
Nah this is spaghetti I’d know it anywhere...it’s my
favorite finger food...Ah here we go, there is a little
vile within!
RAD BRAD
Dope! I’ll reach inside the second box...I know this
one! This box is populated with a cute gerbil!
WIZARD FARGONE
It is not a cute Gerbil! It’s a ferocious rabies
infested rat!
RAD BRAD
Nah dog, this a gerbil for sheez. An here. I have
retrieved the vile from this box.
WIZARD FARGONE
Blasts!
VELCRO
Okay pal, just one more box to go then the cure for
Goosh Goosh is at hand!
NARRATOR
But just then dear listeners our hero and the Wizard
Fargone were due a surprise
SOUND: AUDIENCE "GHOST WOOO’S"

12.

RAD BRAD
Oh snaps!
VELCRO
Ahhhhhh! It’s a bunch of sheeted monsters!
WIZARD FARGONE
Monsters! Neigh those are spirits! Perhaps the spirits
of my defeated nemesisisis past!
BILLY BASH
Listen heres youse, we’re a pack of ghosts and we’re
gunna clobber y’all! Come here Velcro!
SOUND:

TUSSLING

VELCRO
AAAAAHHHHHH! Help someone! This ghost has a sloppy wet
pinky in my ear!
RAD BRAD
Do somethin wizard!
WIZARD FARGONE
But what could I do, it is obvious these spirits
harness a power much greater than my own!
VELCRO
Ahhhhhhh!
RAD BRAD
If you aint fin ta do sumthin I will then.
SOUND: STRUGGLE AND TUSSLE
VELCRO
Rad Brad! You pulled off the sheet and this isn’t a
ghost but the neighborhood bully Billy Bash!
BILLY BASH
That’s right! And with me the entire Bruise Crew! We
don’t need disguises anyhow, we’re gunna give y’all a
clobberin like you aint never seen before!
VELCRO
Yikes, what am I to do!
WIZARD FARGONE
My oh my! Billy Bash you say? What a handsome young man
you are, and all your lovely cohorts as well.

13.

BILLY BASH
It’s time to start shaking in your boots mister, cause
you’re gunna get the Bruise Crew treatment too.
WIZARD FARGONE
I think not, for you see chance has favored to bring me
so many lovely specimens of youthful loveliness. I
shall conjure a spell to keep you all here forever
more!
RAD BRAD
Ah snaps, you just as creepy as that pedophile from
next door, if not more so!
WIZARD FARGONE
Well of course I am you mortal fool! For I am a
pedophile too!
VELCRO
Oh no! the religious extremism of pedophilia seems to
be spreading!
WIZARD FARGONE
You silly children had the poor judgement to trick or
treat on the only street that is the required distance
from schools and other public institutions. This entire
street in Hooeytown is populated by deviants!
Hahahahaha.
BILLY BASH
I’ve heard enough! Bruise Crew, attack this creep!
SOUND: CHARGING SOUNDS
WIZARD FARGONE
I think not!
SOUND: ZAPPING
RAD BRAD
Snaps! He frozed dem all in place!
WIZARD FARGONE
Yes I did... for they are to be my dessert while you
little ones are my appetizer and entree!
GOOSH GOOSH
AI AI AI. My head hurts, whats goin on?!
VELCRO
Goosh Goosh! You’ve awoke naturally!

14.

RAD BRAD
Right as shits got critical too!
WIZARD FARGONE
Good, you’ve awoken to join our party little monkey
boy.
VELCRO
This guy here is a wizard Goosh Goosh and a pedophile
too!
GOOSH GOOSH
Oh no, whyd I even wake up, this shits outta hand.
WIZARD FARGONE
Come here now, Wizard Fargone is going to share his
magic wand.
GOOSH GOOSH
Just blow you’re jape whistle Velcro and lets get outta
here!
RAD BRAD
What goods a little whistle going to do?! This is
hopeless.
WIZARD FARGONE
A little whistle won’t stop me!
GOOSH GOOSH
Just do it! Blow the whistle!
VELCRO
Well okay. (WHISTLE)
WIZARD FARGONE
Oh. Ouch.
GOOSH GOOSH
Blow the whistle!
VELCRO
(WHISTLE)
WIZARD FARGONE
Oh no! Stop it, it hurts!!!
RAD BRAD
Blow the whistle!
VELCRO
(WHISTLES)

15.

WIZARD FARGONE
NOoooo! I am being defeated! What strange powers do you
children posess! Nooooo! I suppose my defeat is what I
actually always hoped for anyways! OUCH! I suppose I
should thank you! ARRRGHHH. GULP. GERP. DIE.
MUSIC: SLOUGH FEG JAMS
SOUND: AUDIENCE CHEERS
VELCRO
Well, we did it guys! We defeated an evil wizard and
had a great tirck N Treatin Halloween too!
RAD BRAD
Hellz yeah! But why’d we drag these Bruise Crew
hooligans back to their headquarters in their posicle
form?
VELCRO
Rad Brad, dontcha see? Yeah the Bruise Crew is a bunch
of terrible hooligans...but this is Halloween, the most
hallowed night of the year. It’s a time to celebrate
the pranksters, a time when tricks are seen for what
they are, the universal expression of love for all
humankind.
GOOSH GOOSH
Rigghhhhhtttt. Velcro your thick headed optimism never
seases to amaze me.
RAD BRAD
Goosh Goosh, how did you know Velcro’s jape whistle
would defeat the Wizard Fargone.
GOOSH GOOSH
Didn’t you know? The jape whistle aint no normal
whistle, but one that enables Deux Ex Machina- a
solution to insurmountable conflict!
RAD BRAD
What the hell? That seems lazy and implausible! I aint
gonna subscribe to that concept!
GOOSH GOOSH
But why not! It does wonders for moving an adventure
along! Just see what I mean, Velcro why don’t you blow
the whistle right now!
VELCRO
Sure! Since I’m immune to the powers of suggestion!
(WHISTLES)

16.
RAD BRAD
Dizznap! Peep it, Billy Bash and the Bruise Crew is
thawing out!
GOOSH GOOSH
Just like I said, a new development in our Halloween
adventure!
BILLY BASH
Huh?! Whats the big idea? Where’d that pervy wizard go>
VELCRO
Hey Billy Bash, we defeated the wizard with the power
of my jape whistle. A coupla toots and he went up in a
puff of smoke!
BILLY BASH
You mean ta say you and your sorry crew of nimrods did
what the Bruise Crew couldn’t.
RAD BRAD
Damn straight dog! We pulverized that pervy pedo!
BILLY BASH
Welz, Im at a loss of character. In light of tonights
transpirations, I’m raising the white flag, an callin a
truce between the Bruise Crew and youse dorks!
AUDIENCE AS BRUISE CREW "NOOO"
VELCRO
Chee! That’s swell of you Billy Bash.
BILLY BASH
Yes it is. Just don’t spect this act of kindness to
extend much further. Just youse wait you geeks. Come
Thanksgiving the Bruise Crew is gonna show youse all
something to be thankful for.
VELCRO
Alright!!
SOUND: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
MUSIC: NEWTDICK JAMS TO SEGUE
NARRATOR
Well friends, hows that for a festie Halloween
adventure! Personally I found making light of sexual
abuse and predators to be distasteful, but then again
it seems all of Velcro’s inane adventures leave a sour
taste in my mouth. Nonetheless we’ve all survived
another edition of The Velcro Audiosseys! And a
horrifying one at that, take care dear friends.