Velcro Holds On

By Jarred Hodgdon

INT. VELCRO’S ROOM - MORNING
Our meritless hero, VELCRO FATHOMS, 14, sits in his chair
waiting for the day to unfold before him.
VELCRO
The day lies before me with
opportunity and fun in store. Let’s
see the ole to-do so I can do how I
do do.
Velcro rolls out a long to-do list.
VELCRO
(Singing)
This is how I to-do it.
Velcro smells himself.
FX- A DEAD FISH flies from his armpit.
VELCRO
Not ripe yet.
He crosses shower off the list. Velcro reads the next item.
VELCRO
Hmm, tickle the ivories.
A KEYBOARD rises before him, he plays a few notes
Turning back to his list:
VELCRO
Ah, call the service center about
an exchange.
He grabs a ROTARY PHONE off the desk and dials...punching
about 100 buttons excitedly. With the receiver to his ear,
he awaits an answer.
ROBOT-PHONE VOICE (VO)
Hello...thank you for calling
Benison Industries . Your matter is
of primafatious significance to us
and we continually appreciate your
patronageVelcro smiles with satisfaction.
ROBOT-PHONE VOICE (VO) (CONT)
-Please have your item number ready
so for one of our members to
service you better(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

Velcro quickly pulls a YELLOW INVOICE

out of a packing box.

ROBOT-PHONE VOICE (VO)(CONT)
To make a payment Press 1. To speak
to a representative (Velcro looks
excited-)of our Buddy Buddy Wink
Wink Club (-then confused), press 2
now. If you are calling for
resolution fulfillment regarding
the Pump Action Sneakers class
action suit, press 3, but that was
some bullshit man.
VELCRO
I think it wise to just hit zero a
buncha times.
Velcro hits "0" hella times.
SFX- A CLICK, then a RING, and then:
NATIVE AMERICAN DEEP VOICE (VO)
Greetings, my name is Tanya. May I
be of service to you, how.
VELCRO
Yes, hello, I’m calling aboutTANYA (VO)
-I can have your order number
please.
VELCRO
Hmm okay...(fumbles with invoice)
It’s
5241367454312341345236755614123454245TANYA (VO)
-Wait, huh?
VELCRO
Oh
it’s 5241367454312341345236755614123454245.
TANYA (VO)
I have 9526874VELCRO
No, it’s 524...
DISSOLVE TO:
INSERT: 3 HOURS LATER

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

TANYA (VO)
-54245.
VELCRO
Yes! That’s it!
TANYA (VO)
Can I please confirm your customer
number.
Velcro sighs.
VELCRO
Okay it’s..
DISSOLVE TO:
FX- A CLOCK hand spinning
TANYA (VO)
And Social Security number please.
DISSOLVE TO:
TANYA (VO)
Mothers maiden name?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. VELCRO’S ROOM - LATER
Velcro now has a beard.
TANYA (VO)
That’s great. Now Mr. Fathoms, I
can help you, how.
VELCRO
(excitedly)
I wanted to exchange a gift I
bought.
TANYA
Great. I will connect you to our
absolution department.
SFX-the phone clicks
VELCRO
Wait! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Velcro reaches to the heavens in a terrific cry.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

SFX- HOLD MUSIC begins.
SFX - a KNOCK at Velcro’s bedroom door.
Velcro looks through the door’s PEEP HOLE
FX- HYPHY-NATE, 35, the blocks freshest b-boy is seen
gyrating in WIDE-ANGLE.
Velcro opens the doors, Hyphy-Nate busts in.
Velcro’s beard is magically gone.
HYPHY-NATE
Yo Yo Yo!
Hyphy-Nate does a Yo-Yo with a YO-YO.
VELCRO
Hi Hyphy-Nate.
HYPHY-NATE
Where you be B? Been chirpin your
line all morning.
VELCRO
Ah Chee. I’ve been trying to
resolve a transaction.
Velcro holds up the phone.
HYPHY-NATE
You wiggin dog, I need your help.
911 status.
VELCRO
I’m always there for a pal in need.
How can I help?
HYPHY-NATE
My Guinea Pig booked it this AM
rogue. You know he be lovin the
sound of your kazoo. You play that
he’ll come running like some pied
piper shit.
VELCRO
But Hyphy-Nate, you know I haven’t
played since...
DISSOLVE TO

5.

EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY

FLASHBACK

Velcro stands on the street corner, leaning against a pole
playing a beautiful melody on his KAZOO.
SFX-His kazoo music is actually harmonica
CARS WHIZ by in the street.
A upstanding and high-society WOMAN, 40, passes by and
begins to cross the street.
She stops to turn towards Velcro and the sound of the
melody.
A car is rushing head on.
The woman is seemingly transfixed.
The car is rushing head on.
WOMAN
You know, kazoo music is very
annoying.
The car is stopped at a red light.
FX- A tear runs down Velcro’s cheek.
The woman safely crosses the street.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. VELCRO’S ROOM - MORNING
VELCRO
And I haven’t played the kazoo
since.
HYPHY-NATE
Yo Velcro, that beezy was wack.
VELCRO
Maybe.
HYPHY-NATE
Deal with it.
FX - A pair of cool man SUNGLASSES descend from the ceiling
and land on Hyphy-Nate’s face.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.
VELCRO
Okay, I’ll help find your guinea
pig.
HYPHY-NATE
Fresh, let’s roll out.

EXT. VELCRO’S HOUSE - DAY
Velcro and Hyphy-Nate descend the stairs in front of
Velcro’s house. Velcro still has the Telephone, it has a
very long cord.
VELCRO
Well pal, which way should we go
you reckon?
HYPHY-NATE
Every which way homey. You won’t
rest till we find my Guinea Piggy.
VELCRO
Super.
HYPHY-NATE
Peep this.
Hyphy-Nate pulls some ROLLER BLADES out from behind his
back.
HYPHY-NATE
We can cover more ground.
Hyphy-Nate laces up hella fast.
HYPHY-NATE
Hop on. We ride.
Velcro hops on Hyphy-Nate’s back, phone in hand.
EXT. STREETS - DAY
FX - In a composite shot we see in profile Velcro riding on
Hyphy-Nate’s back, with streets whizzing by behind them.
Velcro is playing his kazoo melody, the hold music can also
be heard as the phone cord waives behind them.
HYPHY-NATE
Here piggy piggy! Damn! I ain’t
seen him anywheres.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.
VELCRO
Gee whiz, and I’m still on hold.
HYPHY-NATE
Situation critical.
VELCRO
Hyphy! Watch out!

A proper BUSINESS MAN, 60, halts in the street before them,
holding a bag of APPLES.
Velcro and Hyphy-Nate look concerned.
FX - The man FLIES into the air like people did in Little
Rascals shorts.
BUSINESS MAN
Whooooaaaaahhhhh!
Apples spill on the ground as Hyphy-Nate and Velcro trail
off.
Hyphy-Nate and Velcro continue tearing through the streets
in profile, the sounds of kazoo (harmonica) and hold music
canvasing the area.
NARRATOR
Hyphy-Nate and Velcro continued
their quest, searching the streets
high and low. No stone was turned,
because the guinea pig hates
stone’s and generally stays away
from them. It seemed like their
efforts might be fruitless...until.
Velcro stops playing kazoo.
VELCRO
(startled)
Jeepers!
HYPHY-NATE
Chill B. What is it?
Velcro puts the phone receiver to his ear.
VELCRO
The hold music stopped! I was hung
up on.
SFX - That AH AH AH AH sound when you’re hung up on.
The two halt and Velcro dismounts.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.
HYPHY-NATE
Damn, that’s wack.

Velcro shakes his head, distraught, then notices.
VELCRO
Look Hyphy-Nate! I wasn’t hung up
on!
Hyphy-Nate’s guinea pig is chewing on the telephone cord and
chewed through it.
HYPHY-NATE
My guinea piggy! Fresh!
Hyphy-Nate scoops up his guinea pig and licks its face.
Then he puts the guinea pig in his back pocket.
HYPHY-NATE
Your cord got chew through. You
wasn’t hung up on but the end
result is the same...sorry dog.
VELCRO
Shucks.
Velcro kicks a can.
HYPHY-NATE
What was you on hold for any how?
VELCRO
Well, I shouldn’t tell you
this...but I was trying to arrange
the exchange your birthday present.
Velcro pulls a box out from behind his back.
He then pulls out a super baggy XXXXXL T-SHIRT.
VELCRO
I ordered you this shirt, but it’s
too large.
HYPHY-NATE
(ecstatic)
Naw homey! Those threads are dope!
I like my tee’s large!
Hyphy-Nate grabs the shirt and throws it on.
Hyphy-Nate does a celebratory hammer dance.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

9.

VELCRO
Well I guess everything worked out
well for us in the end.
The two throw their heads back in laughter.
FREEZE FRAME
A beat
UNFREEZE
The two share an epic high five.
FREEZE FRAME ON LAUGHTER
THE END.