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Okay, okay, okay... this is getting so messed up. These trippy little fuckers... I gotta write this
down. This is stupid, there's no one to read this, but I gotta write it down. These little shits!
You gotta see 'em right now! They got these raging fireboars by the nose hairs-- The fucking
nose hairs! These crazy little shitheads! They're riding these monsters around, fire shooting out their
ears in this mad rage, crashing into these rock structures, stones coming down all around them,
whipping around their heads by these snot-covered nose tufts while the boars snap these razor teeth at
them trying to rip them in two-- and they're laughing! They're fucking laughing and giggling their nutty
little hippo-headed, gap-toothed, stupid little gargling laughters while they're nearly getting slaughtered
in this mad monster rodeo of fire and brimstone. It's fucking insane!
Oh my god-- one just fell off! I think that's Bloaty-- yeah, that's him for sure. Shit! He's gonna
get trampled. Fuck-- holy shit-- he's just rolling around like an idiot, gargling to himself with laughter,
and he's gonna get crushed. Dammit! Fuck! This is stupid. Dumb fucking shit god dammit mother
shitting son of a bitch. Jesus! He's fine! Oh my god! There was like 8 of them trying to trample the little
fucker, and look at him go! Holy craphe's back on! That little shit! Fuck, these guys are crazy.
This place is insane. It's an absolute nutjob. You gotta see these guys, the shit they do! These
little squat-faced fat-cheeked sons of bitches are the gnarliest little dare-deviling dumbass little
geniuses you could imagine! You should see the trees! Oh my god, the trees! They blew them up! Fuck,
it was mind-blowing!
Oh shit! They're battling! They're actually battling right now! They're ramming these fire-farting
10-foot boar monsters into each other like bulls in a rodeo from hell. Ha! A tusk literally just broke in
half and fell off. These things are so goddamn raging right now, they're just blind with anger at these
little fucks, and the flarms are laughing! They're fucking laughing like it's the best thing ever! This is
just like the trees. Nutty little bastards.
Okay, we got a lock. They're tusks are intertwined and stuck together, both boars are ripping and
raging trying to pull apart. They are absolutely furious, horrified barks and squeals are squawking out
their mouths, their eyes are round with insanity. Someone's gonna get killed, I swear, there's no way
someone won't get killed here. Jesus, I hope it isn't Lockstock, he's bouncing around like a ping pong
ball down there on that thing's snout.
These bloody monster boars could eat these guys in a single gulp, little appetizer piggy-hippo
munchies, all of 'em. Giggling little hors d'oeurves riding their snouts by the snot hair.
Hmm... one just shut down, a boar. He just fell right over in a clump. He looks outdead. I
think it's dead, it's not moving at all. Bimbo is getting off. The rest are still doing the insane rodeo thing
though. Bimbo's walking around, inspecting it, poking its sides. Damn! There goes another! It just shut
down and dropped, like it was outta gas. Lockstock is hopping off too, walking around it like he's
surveying a car that broke down.
Bloaty's down in front, he's hanging by the hairs right in front of the thing's snozz, looking it
dead in the eye. It's manic with fury, like it would rip its own leg off to kill the bugger, but no matter
how hard he waves his head, Bloat is holding on. Wait, it just fell. They're all falling! Dropping like
flies out there. Damn, did they know this was gonna happen? I bet they did, these are some tricky little

buggers.
Oh shit! One just pooped! Bimbo's just pooped out a round black turd, and he's inspecting it.
Aw, sick, he just licked it! Yup, he's licking it. He's rubbing his gooey little nose all over it and he's
licking a piece of shit. God dammit.
Now they're all doing it. All the boars are plopping out unconscious or dead poops, and they're
all licking and snotting all over them. What the hell? Why is this happening? This is messed up dude.
This is fucky.
Lockstock is signaling me down. Nah-uh, not gonna do it. Not gonna lick a pig poop dood, not
gonna do it.
He looks weird... he's all wobbling, but he looks weird. His head is bigger... oh my god, his head
is like growing... it's ballooning up at the top. They're heads are all stretching into lightbulb shapes, and
they're wobbling around like a bunch of mad drunkards. They're drunk on pig poop. Or high... I think
they look more high.
Yup... look at those eyeballs. I just got down from the tree, and these guys are looking out of
their gourds. I saw a friend of mine on crack once; he'd hit his forehead on a lamp post and had a golf
ball lump sticking out of it, but he was grinning like a lunatic with big fat pupils. They look like that-- a
bunch of fat-pupilled lunatic piggy-hippo squat little fat-cheeked dumbasses wobbling around with
goofy smiles splitting their dumb faces.
They must've know this would happen, I can't imagine it's their first time getting boar poo high.
Why not just find a wild scat? Why the whole rodeo lunacy? Maybe the poo is different?
Oh shit--! I'm back in the tree. A boar is up, it's stumbling around. It looks more drunk now too
than mad, but it's definitely not dead. It's heading for the flarms, but they're just goofing about like
morons.
Oh my god! SHITFuckaww, fuck. God dammit, fuck. Son of a bitch.
It just ate Lockstock. God dammit, that little shit. It just ate him. Aaaaaagh!! FUUUCK! Stupid
little dumbass... why? DAMMIT! Those dumb little fuckers. Why did they DO this?
More pigs... more are up... I don't even fucking care. Ugg... I'm so miserable right now... I know
it's just a dumbass little creature, but I love these little guys. ...why did he have to be so fucking stupid?
What the HELL!? They're just approaching them! The flarms... they're just walking up--- Shit!
Fucking Plumpton! He just crawled right into that thing's mouth on purpose! How fucking high are
these dumbasses? God damn... this is a slaughter. They're all just high out of their gourds, and they're
all gonna die here. They're just walking at the boars like it doesn't matter... like they've given up.
What do I do? These pigs are bigger than me... they'll kill me too if I go down there... but
they're just murdering these senseless little buggers.
One just ate Bimbo! Okay, I can't watch this anymore... this is breaking my heart. This is
horrible. This is the most tragic thing I've ever seen. Dumb little fuckers... why?
~~~
Kay, you're not gonna believe this shit-- First off, they came out, all of them. I'm sitting up in
the tree for like an hour, just miserable and crying to myself at this fucking horror I had to watch, and
feeling all depressed about having to mope back to camp and somehow let the rest of the flarms know
the tragedy that happened when these dumb numbnuts committed mass stupid suicide, when the

monster boars just starting gagging and throwing up, and all the flarms came spewing out in a pukey
mess on the ground. And they've got all sorts of worms and maggots, and they're rolling around in this
awful squirming disaster of wriggling parasites and vomit and hairballs that came out of the boars. But
instead of getting up, the flarms all just lay back in this nasty mess, they just start relaxing in this state
of bliss like it's some sort of massaging waterbed they're lying in... they just laid there in this
disgusting nightmare soup of demon spaghetti, all tranced out in ecstasy, and the boars just flop down
and pass out like they'd been having all-night sex and they're feeling relieved as shit. And I'm still up in
the tree watching this all happen, andd I'm so relieved but so nauseated by it all, yet I get down anyway
cause I want to make sure the flarms aren't actually dead down here, and this sour fumy nasty wave of
wind hits me with the smack of these writhing parasites and vomit soup, and I start to gag, but I just
gotta go see. As I get closer though, it's just too much I get the taste of the smell in my mouth, like
I'd taken a big swig of this pig vomit, and I can taste it, and I'm looking at these tape worms or
whatever they are just wriggling in the dirt and I can't help it, I start choking and feel the vomit
coming, so I close my mouth tight to keep it down, but it spurts up through my nose in nasty chunks
and stings tears in my eyes and it's just terrible. You couldn't imagineit's the rankest thing I've ever
seen, and these flarms are just loving it. They're rolling around like it's Jello. Like they're high on K in a
bath of Jello. It's just fucked.
I shoulda been a scientist. I could run some sort of diagnosis, and take lab notes, and compare
evidence... I dunno, something useful. Instead I just feel like a complete dumbass who's given this
study of a lifetime of these weird-ass alien little monsters in this strange-ass world, and I could be
defining a whole encyclopedia of species and plants and weather systems and all the other strange-ass
shit here... but instead I feel like this complete tool who stumbled into one of the craziest discoveries of
all time, and I just sit here picking my ass wasting it. It's a goddamn shame. It's so stupid that I'm the
one who's here... but whatever. Here you go, no one! Enjoy this highly scientific prognosis of these
weird-ass little creatures in this horrifying world of monsters where nothing makes sense. I'll take my
Nobel prize, thank you very much, and be on my merry little way to the gates of oblivion. Yup, lucky
me.
Okay... ya, ya... pity, pity. Whatever, I got nothing better to do, so I'm writing it down. If
someone finds this somehow, you're welcome, and sorry for all the swears. Fuck you.
This is what I figure: The boars have some kind of special poop that comes out when they get
worn down like that, not their normal scat. And maybe they become docile too, that would help. And
the poo has something, pheromones or genomes or I dunno, whatever, some shit is in that shit that
makes the flarms either unrecognizable or maybe they smell like the boar's young... or something. Plus
it makes the flarms high, which probably helps, considering where they're going. Anyways, all this
adds up to the insanity of the flarms being allowed entrance to the boars guts unharmed, so that they
can go fishing around, and take out any hair and parasites and probably teeth and shit that gets lodged
inside them; then they trigger the gag reflex, and boom badda boom, it all comes out. Boars get healthy,
and the flarms... well, I dunno what the flarms get. They might just be doing it cause it's fun, they're
really fucking weird that way. But maybe the hellish spaghetti soup does something for their skin, or
nerves, or maybe it's actually just a relaxing, squirming waterbed for them-- I dunno, but there's some
kind of symbiosis going on here. That, and the flarms are batshit crazy.
Oh god, it fucking stinks down here. This is a disasterpiece. Glad these little bastards aren't dead
though... I don't know where I'd be without them. They kinda saved my life. I wouldn't know what to
eat without them either.
I don't really trust a lot of the garbage they eat, but some of the fruits aren't bad. There's some

nut-like poky things they eat too that taste a bit like sunflower seeds. Most everything else is weird and
gooey though, and often smells like bad cheese. I don't go near the stuff, it's probably boogers or ass
crusties or some other fucked up notion they took on at some point.
And the water is purplethat seems like it's probably an important point. All the water is purple
here, but like murky purple, like it's full of silt. Just a thick, creamy, grape drink purple, it's messed up.
They were feeding me the stuff when I first came to-- and it just tastes like water, no strange flavour or
anything, but I gagged at the colour. I never got sick though... not off that anyway. No travelers
diarrhea or anything. It's been fine, and I've been here for nearly 2 weeks now drinking it. Goddamn
trip and a half.
Alright, they're moving here. Getting up out of the pig vomit worm soup, stretching like they
had the best sleep they've had in ages.
Bimbo's heading over this way... he's got that look in his eyes. Ugg...
~~~
Kay, so... strange development. After much persuasionand he can be an insistent little bastard
about itI finally let Bimbo rub my skin with some parasites. I think to myself, What the fuck! For
science! and let him do my forearm... just a bit. And I gotta tell ya, the strangest thing happened. It got
all tingly and warm, and then just sort of started throbbing. And even though he'd taken it away, it felt
like my arm was just squirming underneath the skin. I got all worried, like maybe it'd laid eggs and I
got infested or something, but this calming notion came over me that it was fine. And my arm gets this
feeling like it's swelling, but still warm and squirming, only getting hotter; and there's that tickling
sensation that happens just before sweating. Then it's humming, my whole forearm just throbbing and
humming and warm and tickly, and it's still doing it. It's been like 10 minutes, and there's just this sort
of.... clarity in my arm, like it's working fluently for the first time in ages. It's strange... but what keeps
coming to mind is that it feels younger. It feels younger than the rest of my body, like it's more alive or
something.
Parasite wash? Worm lotion? I can almost see it... wave of the future spa~ Pig Vomit Soup
Wrigglies!-- Feel younger every day.
Yup, it only gets stranger.
So they're getting ready to go now. The boars are all still sluggishly lazing around after getting
their inner sex engines cleaned out. And in truth, they only vaguely resemble boars-- far hairier,
lumpier, with strange protrusions sticking out, just weird... but boar's the best I got to work with.
I'd draw a picture, but it would only end up looking like a hairy octopus with stink lines coming
off it, so I'll spare the effort. Another perk of getting who's probably the single worst chronicler you
could hope for of this fucked up place. Dem's da breaks, bitches.
The flarms themselves are squat little pot-bellied buggers, maybe three feet tall, with pig-like
proportions, and plump hippo-like faces with rosy fat cheeks and mouths of big square teeth with gaps
between that make them look like total morons when they smilewhich is all the timeand scraggly
hair shooting off the top of their heads. They look like the goofy sort of monsters you'd see in a
ridiculous kids' cartoon, only real and bouncing with lunacy and laughter all over the place, getting up
to some of the dumbest death-defying idiocy you've ever seen. These boars are a pretty likely example
from what I've observed so far.
It's like they just walk around giggling, thinking How can we cause the most natural
destruction while putting our own lives at risk and making utter buffoons out of ourselves at the same

time?
And yet, they always seem to be up to something useful-- like this whole cleaning out the pigs
business. They're tricky little buggers, I swear. They look like the stupidest little monsters you've ever
seen, but they're up to something... or perhaps they know what's up. I think they're the humans of this
world... and they're even more fucked up than we are.