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WELCOMING THE NOW - pain
Vlogged here on YouTube
Taking a short break from reading Anastasia,
the Vladimir Megre book about the truly amazing Siberian woman and her kin. It is a series of 8 or 9 books, and I am looking pleasantly forward to reading them all. I pause, here, though, to document that I have just made contact with her Grandfather, and perhaps, yes, her Great-Grandfather, too. I was so moved by the way she was explaining to Valdimir, in the book, how it was that she knew all languages, that my heart was deeply touched. I love languages, you see; I love words. That is perhaps silly, I know, for I also don’t trust concepts, and words convey those. Still, I love the words; there is magic in them. There are no coincidences, no accidents, not even with words. (I pay attention to every supposed typo.) Okay, I’ll add more to this, later, perhaps; probably. Meanwhile, I just wanted to record this sacred contact. They felt me, felt my presence, and received my request to also be taught, as Anastasia was. I believe they are working with me, that they have welcomed me, and are willing to assist me. I am grateful, and so pleased. ~~~ 12:20 pm In taking the MMS drops (Miracle Mineral Supplement), they bring on such pain in the disabled parts of this body that makes it need to just rest. I seek to have patience with this. Healing, real healing, most often comes with spurts of cleansing responses, challenges, and difficulties. How could it be otherwise, as the body throws off its toxic mess? So, I go within. I go into receptive mode, and must stop journaling, for that is outward, giving mode. Instead, I have learned to just go with the flow, lay down, and put some wonderful lecture or presentation or another on the computer and let it play. Thus, I lay down to receive. Somehow it is less hard on the body. Till later, then... ~~~ 4:38 pm, 2/21 Returning to this journal now, even though I’ve already completed another one. It’s just how it’s working. Here’s the deal. I hurt like hell. Now, normally, or in the ‘Past,’ I would have just quit trying to write, quit writing, and just laid down, put something nice and distracting, some lecture or another, on the computer, and gotten into that. It is amazing how much less pain medication you can use if you can just distract yourself sufficiently.
The thing is, though, something is telling me to go ahead and gripe, to go ahead and just be with the pain, for a change. Though I hesitate to do this, I’m remembering Eckhart Tolle’s wonderful teaching on just being with whatever presents itself to you, no matter how challenging, so I’ll give it a try. I’m pretty good to do that with emotions, as they arise. I’ve even learned to let anger or tears of pain just flow, kind of just being with them, watching the whole thing transpire. If you’ve ever at least tried to do this, you know what is meant, what I mean. I haven’t been so good about being with physical pain, though. What I mean is that, aside from taking a minimum of narcotics from the plenty prescribed, my habit flow has just been to rest and seek some form of distraction. That has worked pretty well for years, but I guess it’s time to reassess, to see if this is the best way, the chosen way to handle this. Okay, so here I sit. It makes me angry, now that I just sit with it. It makes me mad that I should have to spend so much time, so many years in all this damn pain. Hmmm. Oh well, okay. That’s what is, so there’s nothing wrong with it. It simply is. I can acknowledge that.
What’s underneath it, though. Oh, I begin to see some fear peek out from somewhere. Now that
is something unusual. Just a moment; I want to be sure I’m centered in heart. I know there is absolutely no fear, there. At least, that’s been my experience, so far. Now, let me look. Okay, fear; come on out. Show yourself. It’s okay, I won’t chase you away. Come on. What are you hiding, in there? And why are you hiding, anyway? Oh. Seems there are some fears about being strong enough, about being able to continue to endure this pain. Hmmm. I note the word ‘Continue,’ there, which is a time indicator. Time, also, is not present, at least not like that, in heart. Gotta check on my centering, again. What gives? Oh, there’s a fear of weakness, of being weak, being ‘Wussy.’ That’s interesting. Didn’t know that was tucked away in there. Gosh, it seems I’m pretty hard on the self, just driving on all the time, running right over all of this, never allowing it to speak, to show itself. Little wonder it’s afraid. Uh oh. Nope, I’m not going to worry about MPD, or any such nonsense. At times it is just handy to separate the self out, so to speak, into components, then let them speak to one another. A lot of inner understanding can arise, if we’ve got the courage to just go there. So, let me look, then, at this aspect of self that is fearful, afraid of being weak. Why would that be? Oh, that makes sense. As it is ever necessary to support the self, to ‘Make it’ in the world alone, as I’ve lived the huge portion of it, there is the fear of not being able to support the self. Tell ya what, that dates this energy, for sure. How so? I’ve been on disability, unable to work but not quite needing to for some years, now. Interesting. Thus, this fear dates itself to the past, to the time of being a single mother, trying to make it, alone, while raising a somewhat special needs child. (I’m very proud of her, by the way. She’s a tremendously courageous soul who has overcome a whole boatload of challenges to rise up and make a life for herself.
She’s a gem.) But anyway, back to the fear. So it’s an old one. That indicates I’ve somehow managed to bury it for so long, to refuse to look at or even acknowledge it, and it appears this has somehow isolated it, within, so that it is not aware that I no longer must work for a living. So, dear fear, I invite you out into the open. Come out, and look around, now, and see the current lay of the land, and realize you can relax. There is nothing, now, to worry about. I am taken care of, though perhaps on a pretty minimal basis, but at least I don’t have to work. So, come on out, and let’s fall apart together. I won’t censure you. You have a right to feel that way, and I can totally relate to it. Though I did not see you at the time, and I regret that now. Wait, that’s not so. It was what it was, and I was doing the best I could at the time. No regrets. We can’t perform beyond our understanding, and hind signt always being 20/20 is no call for regret. Anyway, I welcome you, now. Let’s be scared, together. Let’s feel that. ~~~ Ah, I have greater mercy, tolerance, and understanding, now, for the being that I was, singlemothering it and working, back then, doing the best I could. I trust and hope that as things come up in ‘Future,’ I will be much more open to simply feel my feelings, rather than having them repressed. That does no good, anyway. They don’t go anywhere, and we wind up having to deal with them, like it or not, one way or another. It is quite likely that, by treating ourselves so harshly, under the guise of toughing it out, of being strong, that we drive such energy down deep, into the body being. This creates all kinds of illness, eventually. Why is that? Well, as the saying goes, if Source or God can get our attention with a feather, then She will use that. Absent our willingness to see or to listen, to feel the feather, however, the messages get stronger, more intense, working their way, eventually, all the way down into the physical body, where they manifest as the appropriate sickness for the type of energy we have been refusing to deal with. Anyway, enough for now. This has gone on long, but I wanted to bring it to some form of closure, rather than just leave it hanging. One can’t deal with such energies, after all, in 10minute chunks. Thanks for your patience. Hope my sharing is a benefit. 5:07 pm ============ TAGS
Journal spiritual Source Spirit God pain “Ringing Cedars” Anastasia “Vladimir Megre” Siberia concept words typo MMS disabled healing “Eckhart Tolle” narcotics fear heart head anger fear disability income