WORDS I NEVER

SAID

THE

TABLEOFCONTENTS
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. A COLLECTION OF ANONYMOUS RANTS. FALL ‘09.

Rants collected during the days of NOVEMBER 15 to 19.

DAYS 1-5: BEGINNINGS

03

29

Rants collected during the days of NOVEMBER 20 to 29.

DAYS 6-15: MIDDLE & END

Notes on PROJECT PROCESS and ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.

DAYS 15+: CLOSING NOTES

57

EDITOR’S NOTE PROJECT PREMISE

“I

NSPIRED by PostSecret; the Freudian defense techniques, the law of closure, and other psychological theories, The Words I Never Said (WINS) is a college project rooted in confession. The point is simple: to admit the words never said to someone for closure. Participants were given three guidelines: rants would be anonymous and could be sent through e-mail, Facebook message, or posted on the Facebook group’s wall; rants should be one paragraph minimum; and rants could contain language as long as the language was justified. All rants received were edited just for punctuation and typos. As an editor, I made a point to preserve the rant’s language in its entirety. All rants received from November 15-29 can be found on the following pages.” -ALYSSA BAILEY

BEGINNINGS “T
he Words I Never Said was launched on Facebook November 15. These are the rants received through email, Facebook message and posted on the group’s wall in the first five days.”

DAYS 1-5

04
“To my ex, I’m sorry I hurt you.
You know I never wanted to and if I could go back to the way it was before everything happened to make me change how I feel about you, I would. But what you’re doing now, it isn’t fair. You were my best friend for four years. FOUR YEARS. I thought I was going to marry you, have your kids. I thought I was going to be the lucky girl whose first boyfriend was going to be the one for her, never to have to experience a broken heart.

To two of my good friends:

Enough is fucking enough. She made a mistake — that does not mean you have to tear your relationship apart. Yes, she should have fought harder to keep you as her friend. I will not take sides; I love you both so much. I hate to see you two apart. Even a blind person can see that you both still care for each other.

Open your eyes and then maybe you’ll agree with me.
“I miss you even though you were never there. Even though I see how much better off I am without you, sometimes it still hurts.”

...I was wrong.”

Dear Dominic

dating that chick from Lo Monaghan: Please stop

st and date me.

To the girl down the hall:
I know you’re an honor student. We all know you’re an honors student. Even though I’m an honors student too, I am not going to call myself smarter than everyone who isn’t. And no matter how much you want me to agree with you, I never will.
“I alway s wonde red what to have gu it was like ys call you to b ‘hot,’ ‘cu I’ve only h te’ and ‘b e pretty, eard those eau words refe mouth of g rring to me tiful.’ irls. Come fro to think of is pretty in it, the word m the accu of a girl boyfriends rate, no? Perhaps th at’s why g at such an irls e there to te ll them tha arly age: to have so seek t they’re b meone Easily con eautiful an vincing co d me ming from a guy, perh an it. aps?”

BEGINNINGS
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5. is fall. You love fall, he loves fall, they all love fall. Okay, I get it, the world loves fall; I’ll just shrivel up and die like everything else in this godforsaken season. “The air is cool and crisp, the colors are so astonishingly beautiful, the leaves are so much fun!” says the ignorant person. Allow me to correct you. The air is cold and so dry that my skin begins to resemble a desert. There are maybe three or four days in fall when the clouds clear up and blue is visible. The colors are there for all of one week. The reds, the golds, the dark greens. I’ll admit it, it’s breathtaking, just like every computer background and New England postcard argues. But then, only a few days later, everything is brown, brown, brown. Euch. And the leaves. No, no, no, no. The leaves are not fun. The leaves are DEAD. When they’re wet, they stick to your tires and make driving hellish, and when they’re dry, every time you step on them they burst into millions of paper thin pieces, get into your shoes and then you have to walk home with leafy gravel grating into your feet. And this whole family raking of the leaves then jumping in them and they go poof. IT’S A LIE. Hallmark did it. What kind of weird cult family rakes leaves together and actually enjoys it? Whose Kool Aid have they been drinking?? And the poof? Yeah, that never happens. Because the leaves are too SLIMY and FILTHY and FULL OF BUGS to poof anywhere! It’s more like splat. Splat. Oh, look, there’s the idiot who thought it would be a good idea to dive head first into a heap of rotting foliage. Going to Med School that one. GOING TO MED SCHOOL SO THAT THE
MED STUDENTS CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT GROTESQUE DISEASE YOU PICKED UP WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED THAT CATERPILLAR IN THE LEAVES. And

“It seems to me that everyone’s default favorite season

then there’s the fashion. The scarves, the gloves, the jackets, the boots. I love all of these things. You know what else I love? Huh? Variety. Because only in fall and winter do I wear the exact same thing everyday: jeans, boots, a shirt and my coat. So all you people who love the “crisp cool air” and the “gorgeous leaves” can just cry in your little corner with a box of tissues next to you. You know why?

Because with fall comes FLU SEASON.”
To Fat People: Would you please stop wearing skinny jeans? I don’t think you un derstand the concept.

06

“Your ignorance speaks volumes

about your character.”

To a teacher:

Ode to a Cranky Front Desk Worker:
“You don’t care about my life Whether or not it is experiencing A high or a low. That’s fine since I don’t care About your life either. I barely know you Beyond your first name And your job description, Even though I first met you When I was a young, innocent, And obnoxious child. While I admit that your Hatred of me may have been born From the childish antics of My friends and I, Your constantly cloudy mood Had never affected me before Last Friday. Despite the fact That we had never been close, You wounded my feelings Worse than they had ever Been injured before. I hadn’t paid what I owed, And your job is to make sure That I did. Your snappy reprimands And cutting voice Ruined my day. I will always remember The way you told me, ‘This is getting old.’ I will always remember The way you stared at me, Expecting me to solve The problem of my debt. I only want to tell you this, “When I grow up, I want to be The exact opposite of what You grew up to be. Not many people Like mean, bitter, Old maids.”

“I don’t think you know how important this is to me — how important it HAS been always. Academics were my thing. It’s what I did best. I worry now about my grade. I wanted to prove my old teacher wrong and do well in your class. But in the end I was disappointed. I worked hard every night to master the material. I took the tests optimistically. But then I wasn’t good enough. I almost was. But 0.01% away from being good enough. I know it is hardly anything to complain about, in retrospect, but knowing that SHE was good enough saddens me. I want to prove I am just as good as she is because I know I am. Please let me. Today in class we all did poorly on the test, and I’m afraid of doing even worse in your class. I need you to reassure me that I am capable, that I am

smart. I need you to do more than teach. Please.”
“You fucked behind the school, and you slobber ALL over the hallways. You’re not a cute couple, and I’m tired of seeing you two with each other.

GET A ROOM!”

BEGINNINGS
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.
me nded how much you hurt hended how I defe n’t think you compre how that broke my heart. I do nk it ever struck you t you down. I don’t thi pu I ever worked for. when ever yone else that it was ever ything ever ything to me — was Snatched. nutes. Out in that hall in mi One conversation. nd thought. Without even a seco nt. every tear I mea ied that day. And

do think you know teacher: I nk yon’t ew how in just five minutes you To a u kn you . I don’t thi

lesught me the painful world. Because it ta was my d my ever ything Because that thing gh — that my best an rk isn’t always enou was nothing I son that hard wo as entitlement. There There is no such thing above and weren’t enough. even though I went ng I did was enough en though could say, and nothi t their bets on me, ev though ever yone pu . beyond always. Even life you tore to shreds it was my heart and letter full of bright ile on. I wrote you a lef t. And I put a sm ds.” And then you ted. We were “frien words, and I just ac s OK. ything wa You lef t thinking ever ill not. It’s st rt you . I didn’t want to hu ht I could be open ug were neer of power, you I trusted you and tho wn, beneath that ve ep do t I don’t want to because I knew de u’ll never know. Bu been years, and yo , no boy has vulnerable. It’s letter, no friend e. No rejection nversation. pretend anymor d in that one co e the way you di anyone’s ever dented m d was the worst thing rson. But what you di You’re not a bad pe ever done to me.

I cr

“To every single girl who has worn leggings a s pants on this campus: Leg gings are not pants, you idiot! I th ink you must have one pair of pants in your closet. You don’t look good in them either.”

08

To my first: You meant so much to me, and I would have loved to take you back. It was just too hard after everything that had happened between us. You were my first and will always be special to me, and I hope that you have a life filled with happiness and that your pain goes away.

“I stopped talking to you because you didn’t care. Remember the day that I told you about my depression, sitting in my car in front of your house? I’ll never forget because you didn’t care. My best friend doesn’t care that I get diagnosed with a disorder that makes me sad and upset and irritable and you just ... ignore me. You’ve said that it’s my fault we’re not friends anymore. No. I handed you the most vulnerable, raw, wounded part of me, and you tossed it on the floor of my car. If you cared, I’d have told you it got better and then a lot worse. I’d have told you about my struggles with suicidal thoughts and my issues with anxiety. You would know about all my doctors, how I feel about : een girls my medications and how I hide evose tw To all th on. That’s erything from the rest of the world. I moves over it. Life ure, would have let you in. But because of “Get s insec to it. I wa you. the way you treated me, I shut you out all there is much as harder than any of the rest of them. not as sure, but movies, And in case you didn’t know, you many atch too are actually fat and kind of ugly. You You w .. ch drama. er my have the potential to be a really u have too m ...I got ov pretty girl but that would require you elf; to care, I guess. You’re also kind of about mys rries wo gross. Spreading your legs with a .” d all too dress on is just disgusting, the way you ul you sho eat makes me feel ill and you kind of smell bad. All of that was mildly acceptable while we were friends, but if you’re a cruel person on top of that, you seriously need to reassess what’s going on in your life.”
DMX:
There’s no reason to start drama. I’m not sure what kind of a thrill you’re getting out of this, but you’re putting me, my boyfriend, and your sister in a very awkward situation unnecessarily.

Every one of my friends thinks you’re sketchy. And you have a fat nose.

BEGINNINGS
“I hate her. I hate every word that escapes the beautiful threshold some people call a mouth ... she deserved it. She never should have lived. She’s a liar! She’s a fake! So ... why do I insist on saving her? Why do I continue to risk my true happiness to save her from drowning in her own pathetic lies? No one fucking believes me anymore. Does that make me her? Or was I this girl from the very start? Is this blurb that I’m writing at this exact instant nothing more than a puddle of deceptions? Who is really to decide when right from wrong is so undefined?”

THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.

To the ex boyfriend who used to be D1 basketball player before quitting to join the party scene: “I have lost all respect for you. I used to be in awe with your strong morals and dreams. Now I can’t even look at you in the face without wanting to throw up. How someone can throw away a lifetime’s amount of dreams for a world full of emptiness is beyond me.

Disappointing

is the word now associated whenever I see your face. I hope someday you grow up to see the big picture.”

“I am no t your m other. I h child, and ave but on you are no e t her. I hav life decisio e made m n; I canno y t help you I will not g make you uide you b rs. y the hand the little n to uances of reality. I w figure out your excu ill not allo ses to dam w age my tr mate goa ail to my u l. I will, ltihoweve when y r, point ou are out bein imbecile . I will sho g an arrogant w rance. I w ill provide proof of your ignothe noose hang you rself and for you to the decla stupidity. Y ration of y ou are insig our nificant, an d I will trea you as suc t h.”

“You took everything from me, and now I’m the one paying for it.”

10

“Everybody wants a Cadillac.
It’s the car that people aspire to have. But is it the car that one needs? What of the Oldsmobile? The Oldsmobile may not be the car that everybody wants, but it’s all anybody could need and is actually superior to the Cadillac. It’s just that not all drivers realize this. The Oldsmobile gets far better millage than the Cadillac. It is much more reliable and dependable, and one needn’t constantly check up on it to guarantee that it’s working; they know it is. The Cadillac has horrible millage; one must constantly attend to it, buy more and more gas for it to waste. Who wants something that one always has to pay attention to when one can have something indelible and guaranteed to not let you down? The Cadillac is a big, boxy, non-aerodynamic behemoth, but it is a hot ride. Many merely overlook and ignore these flaws for the sweets of leather and surround sound. But is this necessary? Why does one absolutely need these things when the Oldsmobile is fine enough and actually better? And, in ten years, how many people keep that Cadillac? How many of these Caddie are still in constant use? Barely any. And of the Oldsmobile?

To many:

Please stop whining. Your life is not as terrible as you would like to believe it is. Some people
are born into countries with civil war, and you’re so upset about some miniscule thing? Whenever you

start to feel sorry for yourself, you should really step back, look at the bigger picture, and be grateful for what you do have. Life will seem shorter and happier that way.

Still working, still trucking, still reliable.

“W And yet all the drivers just want that expensive Cadillac. When they realize that all they need is that reliable Oldsmobile, it’ll be waiting. hen I di I’ll be waiting. dn’ you t sa as ...I am an Oldsmobile.” y a ked nyt “You pe hin me if op stop sp le need to get g .. we reading a life an . be we rumors. d care ab You thin out your re j ca k I pathetic don’t. Y little life ou are us ust but I the las on my et frie t thou mind s ght o get ov he n er yours elf.” an ds b sw eca er u wa se yo s y u li es ved .” nex t do or,
“If you use the words ‘gay’ or

‘retarded’ out of context once more in my presence, I’ll do more than smack you.”

BEGINNINGS
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.

“Do you miss me? You slammed the car door
as you stormed out of the car and away from my life. It seems like ages have passed. I don’t recognize your personality anymore. But I miss you, just a little, and want you to miss me a lot. I want you to want me.”

To all the boys who have broken my heart:
It’s taken so long to get over the two of you. The time I
could have spent having fun and meeting new people was wasted on thoughts of you. My visage was constantly ap-

propriate to being at the deathbed of my best friend during the weeks that followed. One of you even started dating a girl I had to sit next to every time I ate lunch. It was not easy looking at her face. You two taught me the
reason half of the songs on the radio are about broken hearts and failed romances. You taught me

the reason I should stay away from boys who seemed a bit too smooth, who always seemed to have a line of witty repertoire that at once flattered and humored. You taught me how to be the girl I am today. Thank you for making me stronger.

Love, Me.
me all my nd been kind to d for me a ght me is to “You have care u have ever tau thing yo ime you are life, but the only ause every t you bec ore.” be nothing like side a little m
cruel to him , I die in

12

“I still do not understand what is so difficult to understand. Read between the lines. The words “I love you” aren’t words I hand out to just any old friend. For some unknown reason, you still have not figured out that hearing your random drunk hook-up stories tears my heart more and more each weekend. I’m not one of the boys, and I am certainly not going to be the girl who just listens. I am too afraid
to tell you straight forward because I am too afraid you will reject me. Please just hear the

You made me love you then hate you, all within this short span of time. We were in love, and everyone knew it. We were sickening. We promised we weren’t going to fall in love — neither believed in love in high school. But we defied our own expectations, and you said you loved me that day in the park. I had been hoping you would. So what happened? You got busy. I did too. I resented it, and you were too busy to notice or care. I wanted you to; I wanted you to notice and care and show that you loved me. I believe that you did, and it’s not insecurity that caused me to worry, but rather the sadness at the fact that you didn’t care enough to show it. You don’t understand girls. I was being a girl, and you were being a boy. Boy
meets girl. Boy woos girl. Boy loses interest. Girl cries.

“I don’t know why you did it.

words I don’t say and read the words I can’t write down.
I really do love you.”

Then I had enough. We talked about it, tried a break, and that afternoon, sitting in my car parked at the corner of your street, you said I had given up. That I had not cared enough to try. I wish you knew how much I had been trying all this time. You don’t believe me, and now you hate me. But I hope you’re not mad forever. I want to be friends — to go back to how we were. It will take time, but I don’t want this to be the end of us. I don’t love you anymore, and I don’t know if I ever can. I can’t imagine it now but maybe. Later. Now, I just want to be able to talk to each other first. But I’m too stubborn to beg.
I want you to come to me, to say that you’re sorry.

So I’m waiting. I hope you still care for me too. In the meantime, you have made me cynical, and I hate that. I want to say I hate you too.

...But I don’t.”
“Dad, the false memories scare me. I know you think it’s just a funny story, but I’m scared. I don’t know if anything is real anymore.”

BEGINNINGS
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.

ted g you ever wan hin “I was everyt s?” ettled for les ... and you s
“I’m sorry I treated you like crap. You were the best thing that had ever happened to me, and you were the best thing I had going for me. I can’t believe I let you slip through my fingers, and it was all my fault too. Yet I blamed you. I’m sorry I never gave us a chance to be as great as we could have been, but I was scared. I hope you know that even though we’ve both moved on, you still have that special place in my heart, and that no matter what, I will still care about you. Maybe one day we can reconnect, and things will go back to the way they were, but until then, I’ll sit here waiting for someone else to distract me from what could have been with you.”
To her:
“You said you always hated me. You said you never liked the way I looked, or talked or anything else I did.

“I wish that you would notice me, love me. That’s all.”
“I think I love you; I know you scare me. I wonder if this time and this place is nothing more than a segment — a chapter — in both our lives. I wonder if something this good can truly be forever, or if we are doomed to resort back to the comfort of friendship. I wonder why you like me, question why you care.”

But you never had a reason.
You opened my eyes to the ignorance in this world, and I hope you open your eyes to the pain you cause people.”

you say. Ever. Even if it could be true. SHUT THE FUCK UP! We all know you’re a liar. We compare notes on the stories you tell, and it’s ridiculous. Like honestly. Just ... shut up.”

“You’re a liar. I don’t believe a word

14

You are the worst person I know. You are selfish, self-deprecating, careless about yourself and others and worst of all, you’ve made me question myself as a person because I actually care about being thoughtful toward other people. Why do you think I won’t notice you rummaging through my top shelf in the bathroom with all of my private stuff? I hate your need to always have something witty or clever to say. Nobody cares, and you don’t have any substance below all of that. It’s a defense mechanism. And why can you not understand why using my toothbrush TWICE, including once while you were sick, is a problem? Thanks for apologizing and buying me a new one though. Oh, wait, you didn’t. All I got was you turning it on me like I was some freak because I care about hygiene. I know you’ve got your problems, but at least try to be honest and deal with them instead of fucking random guys on the weekends and then complaining about your life. I hate your friends, they are also self-deprecating, self-important, arrogant, and obnoxious. Except Kelly — I like Kelly. Also, Melanie? She seems pretty cool, and she was totally right not to accept your apology. You’ve been nothing but a bitch to her for no reason. Get over yourself and Brendon while you’re at it. You put yourself in these situations, and I have no sympathy for you. Also, just because I have a good relationship with my family does not make me weak. It makes me stronger and is not a fault. Congrats on never talking to your parents: that makes you so mature. You know what also makes you mature? Never speaking up about what bothers you, bottling it up and then blaming your unhappiness on me when you could have brought it up. And screw you for not having the balls to tell me you’d been searching for a place, like I did the moment I decided we couldn’t live together anymore. You’re a coward. So you just walked in the door, my heart dropped. I hate that you have this terrible effect on me. I have never hated anyone, really. I hate you. I can’t wait to never have to see you again. But we have mutual friends that I love. Ugh. I can’t wait ‘til you’re out of my life. You’re not worth the stress.
feel like I’m “Please stop making me ions; they’re some idiot for my own decis my own life. my own, and I can control o should be Maybe it’s not me wh r.” looking their personality ove

“You are living proof that intelligenc e and common sense don’t always go hand in hand.” To my roommate:

“I’m scared o f this friends hip. It’s only been a few months, but I feel like we’re spend ing all our time together. It’s not th at I don’t like sp ending time with you, b ut I don’t wan t to get hurt. This feels like so man y other friendships that turned into some thing else and ended so badly, and I’ m terrified of that h appening again .”
“Please stop fucking slamming your closet doors at all hours of the night! We can hear every time they open and close...”

BEGINNINGS
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.

“You are not lactose intolerant! You
are a spoiled child who wants attention any way you can possibly get it. I know, I know, you have a doctor’s note, and you get sick if you eat dairy. But HELLO! I have seen you accidentally eat food with dairy in it, and NOTHING happened. Even worse is when someone tells you what happened, and you SUDDENLY become ill. Oh, and by the way: WHIPPED CREAM IS A DAIRY PRODUCT, and you eat it like it’s going out of style! I know what you are thinking: “It’s just one of those things I can eat, and it doesn’t bother me.” BULL! I snuck cheese into the pasta dish when you were over at my house! I snuck A LOT of cheese into the pasta dish and guess who didn’t get sick?”

“YOU BHE DUM HAVE ASK T SI ESTION WOULD U EST Q . IF YOU YOU ARD EVER HE EN IN CL ASS, OR ST KF JUST LI ’T HAVE TO AS BE N O WOULD NGLE POINT T E I L EVERY S . THEN PEOP D ATE REPEATE NOT H MIGHT U.” YO
“You seem like the perfect angel. But honestly, I’ve seen you at times when you’re such a bitch. Maybe you don’t realize how you sound? I wonder who gave you so much authority that you consider yourself above everyone else? NO ONE.”

16
“We allow ourselves to fall for that selected female friend who enriches
our lives in ways we cannot begin to articulate. Accepting the hardened idea that feelings are not reciprocated. And why? Childish fears. Picture your best friend of the opposite sex. Someone you talk with, hang out with, invest yourself in. I have that best friend, and I have felt the void that exists when she is not an active part of my life. And I fear the day when no longer can we have the current relationship because a stranger seems like less risk. No matter the situation or the conditions, I will always be that person not afraid to take the risks in knowing you as no other guy does.”
“I’ve known you for the longest time now, and we once
had something that nobody will ever truly know. Five years, five years, and all you could come up with was “he’s gay.” You could have respected me enough to tell the truth. The real reason I broke your heart. But I guess this is my chance to let everyone know now. After five years I broke up with her because I made her depressed and suicidal. I just never understood if it was for attention or the fact that I couldn’t be friends with any other girl, and that’s why you told me. You don’t throw that at your boyfriend’s face and expect him to rebound from it in an instant. I will never truly understand what you were going through, but what I do have to say is that I will always love you. Not in a sense of what was, but what could have been. Once I broke it off, you turned completely around and became someone with no originality ... I don’t know you anymore. But I wish I did. I wish I were that guy who played Superman, you know the one who could never do any thing wrong. Then I could have saved you from myself ... a million red M&Ms forever and always.”

To a friend:

be so wwww can you “Howwwwwww r four years d you fo blind? I’ve love gh you have no t I still feel as thou now ye could n, ever yone else clue. In grade te if you could or u? And g see it. Could yo se say somethin d, can you plea if you di anything ver going to be now? If we’re ne w, then just what we are no more than ing e gotten the feel . I’v let me know might be ain that there over and over ag ing for sure, more. Not know something I love you.” <3 though, kills me.

We made the promise to each other that we’d be best frien er. So what ex ds forevactly is your de finition of “foreve It’s surely differe r”? nt than mine. I th ought it meant so along the lines of mething ... let’s say, a life that you only sa time. I’m starti ng to think id those words to satisfy yourse but you have no lf at the momen idea how much t, it actually meant of f to bigger an to me. You’re d better things no w, and I sincere happy because ly hope you’re you don’t need me anymore. D stand in your way on’t let me ; I promise not to bother you. Bu you need me, t when I’ll still be her e. When I sa id forever, I mea nt it.

BEGINNINGS
To a friend:
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.
“It’s hard to fathom what to say to you. I like to say I
can read people, but you don’t make any sense at all.

I know she hurt you, and I did everything I could to help you get through it. We always talked and became way too close, way too fast. I’ll never understand it. But I fell for you despite all your shortcomings. I tried to help you because I thought if I was that reliable girl, the person who was there when you needed them ... well, then maybe you’d see I’m someone worth taking a chance on. You deserve better than her, and I
thought for a long time I could be that person.

You’ve always been sporadic though. You stopped talking to me abruptly, and I’m letting go. We never talked about what was going on with us. I was terrified to. It’s your apathy and logic. It’s the fact I had no idea what you thought. You told me you hadn’t decided with me yet. But I guess you made your decision now. I think this is for the best. I hate the effect you had on me and how little I mean to you. But you still mean something to me, no matter how much I wish you didn’t. I’m a nice girl, and I deserve better. For some reason though, I can’t stop caring about you. I’ll say it was because there were sparks. I
hope you felt them too.”

you. All we really need to do is talk yet it’s so difficult.

want just th e “heys” anymore. I miss

To a friend: Please come back into my life. I don’t

of nted to be one “I always wa ls.’” ur ‘pretty gir yo
“Everything reminds me of you. Songs we danced to, places we visited, memories we created. I can’t get you out of my mind, and right now I want just that. I don’t want to spite you. I want to forget this bad time and get over you. I hope it gets better. Do you feel this way too?”

You’ve done nothing to deserve it. You smoke, make sarcastic comments, and woo them all. You don’t care. You could not care less that countless boys have fallen for you. You just wear your fishnets, short skirts, and tight tee-shirts, as you talk in a nonchalant fashion about your love of video games, and they fall at your feet. All three did. The first, you messed with for a year. I don’t know him well, but his heartbreak makes me sad. The second, the same. He matters to me because I can’t help think that I was a rebound at least at the beginning. He says he’s happy it turned out this way. But this is love. It doesn’t just turn out. It’s not supposed to. It’s “I sing supposed to be a result of fate, not convenience. I helped him Judy ask you out. You said no. He fell out of like (not love) with you and into like Garland’s with me. I felt like a replacement. I was always jealous of you. I still am, but ‘The I don’t know why. I don’t play video games. Ever. I don’t wear tight shirts to Man show off my curvy short body. I’m tall, thin, and flat. I don’t fit the mold you that Got left behind. And then he, the third boy, fell for you too. This time, you went Away’ in further. You accepted his offer. You are so pessimistic about relationships, the shower. but you said yes. You made him happy. So happy that I think he’s blind to She gives an incred- your faults. You don’t know. But in all honestly, I think you really ible perfordo. And I hate that you don’t care and will continue to break hearts.
mance of that song in A Star is Born.”

18

“Why are you so perfect yet not at all?

Heartbreaker, I wish you’d stop.”
To the girl I’m keeping secret: “We know we want to be together, but there’s someone keeping us apart, so maybe we can be with one another after you get rid of the one thing that stands between us.”

To the smarties who think they’re better than I am:
“I’m not going to stick my head out anytime soon. Just you wait and see. I’ll be somebody someday. So keep on congregating with your cliques and acting like the own the world. The walls have ears, you know.”
“Stop pretending that you’re so perfect and holy. Hating gays and Muslims doesn’t make you a Christian; it just makes you an asshole. Maybe you should try to be a little less judgmental because everyone’s sick of your ignorance.”

BEGINNINGS
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5. “I just can’t wait to get out. Thanks for everything, but

s to th d 10 days t ee month “It’s beenyouhrymore. You told me, a month ancouldn’t go an u

e day since I told

use yo you I didn’t love e anymore beca I don’t need omised couldn’t talk to m ere now. You pr ago that you with what we w you you anyld me be okay me at all. You to on pretending to have couldn’t talk to more.” felt you now, now, I to tell me if you haven’t. And back. And you king me if I know would come Facebook, as in a very messaging me on sponded to him your best friend e you haven’t re want to becaus again. I don’t where you were to get into this ep sendt want ymore. I can’t ke long time. I don’ e. I can’t do it an you’re ’re aliv let people know worry if you ails telling you to se, only gr y em friends. But plea ing you those an me. Talk to your y best g this to you. I miss m alive. Stop doin healed. I miss y. I hope you’re u will too, one da talk to me when , and I hope yo I’m with ing on e and see that friend. I’m mov ck and talk to m lf. Just be come ba to hurting yourse that when you drive you back won’t elf.” someone else, it py for yours r me, be hap happy fo

Blo bo oesn’t to be fu“You irritatendeWheyn: you try me. He d “ nny, when you try in try serve upwhenryyouyo to be ANYTHto be coalnswolaysg,end de ING I ang at u. H av yo you.” m u had; YOU’RE theen’teyothuatnototiced this?! Of course on ld

me I overreact to uch af ter all. Sa dly nothing I sa o y clicks in that br yours — that shel ain of tered, prejudiced brain of yours. O the way: just be h, by cause a girl has more experienc with dating than e you DOES NO T MAKE HER A WHO RE!!!”

“I hate that you silently judge. I hate that he tells you every-

thing. I hate that you’re so concerned with analyzing it all with your simple mindset about base human intentions and motivations; you forget that this is complex. This is the most emotion I have ever felt because it went from great to awful. Perfect to saddening. I hate that I can’t go to English class anymore without knowing you’re judging. He’s told you everything, I know, from his biased point of view. You’re going to look at me when I talk to any other boy even if it is just friendly. Especially if it is. You don’t know me. You don’t. I don’t pretend to understand you, but you seem to think you do.”

20

To my “friends” who are social butterflies: It really annoys me when you can’t seem to stay put in one place. If YOU come up to me and talk, don’t randomly jump to the next person you see and start up a conversation with him, then switch back to me as soon as he leaves. That’s just rude. There’s a reason why I don’t come up and talk to you. You’d probably ignore me as soon as you see a “better” person to talk to.

ho sits in the “Ok, seriously, front row du do you really ha ring chem: ve nothing bette play computer fo r to do than ch otball the whole eck Facebook time in class? If anything, you sh and you’re not going ould have drop to even tr y to lea ped the class b not the most inte rn ack when you co resting class, but uld have. Sure, the other 150 o notes. Serious it’s f us at least make ly, why don’t an attempt to ta you just stay something in ke in your dorm stead of just and sleep or sitting there your compu and playing ter? The class video games is supposed to do something w on be for people w ith their lives, and ho actually want we’re all tr ying grade while you’ to to pay attention re sitting down th and get a good ere in the FRON And by the way, T ROW playing if you do plan o computer game n just sitting there whole time, can s. and playing com you at least s puter football th top doing the AGAIN? We e same play OV get it, you know ER and OVER how to beat a st Congratulations upid video gam , you win a med e that’s 10 years al. Now stop pla pay attention lik old. ying stupid gam e the rest of us.” es during class and
“This is all new to him. You flirted, he smiled. You kept leading him on. Then you pretended it meant nothing, and he was crushed. He hides it well, but I love him and so I hate you for what you did to hurt him. He’s afraid to approach other girls now. At Homecoming, I walked right past you, bumping into your shoulder purposefully. I felt like a mean girl. I am never like that, but you do not mess with him and not feel my wrath, so it turns out. Stop messing with boys. You are a flirt and a flake.”

To the perso n

w

t not a kil ler like a astic. It’s lc rettes. It makes y ohol or cigaou feel fa Why do nta you tell pothead stic. smoke? s Why do n’t you tr not to It’s a me y it fi dicine in a few sta rst? there’s n ot te to weed one death attrib s; . It ute fun. It m ’s victimless d . a matter w kes you feel be It’s tter, no hat If you’re you’ve got goin g on. not gonn speak a a tr y it, don’t gainst it.” “It brings

“Pot is fan

To eve r

yone:

me to shame to know that so many people

are so less fortunate than you and would kill to be where

you are right now, and here you are, acting as if what you have is nothing and treating everyone like crap to make yourself feel better.”

BEGINNINGS
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.

“Could you please take control of your class? These kids
treat you like complete shit! You know that their excuses are lies and yet you never, ever punish them. Trust me, the day you hand out that first detention slip will mark the beginning of an entirely new era — the frustrating chaos that you currently have to deal with on a daily basis will no longer exist. Who knows, we might even begin to respect you. I know you want to be liked; hell, we all do, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be spit on in the process. Please, do yourself a favor, and the next time someone cusses at you, throws supplies, crawls on the floor, moves his seat, or screams while you’re talking, give him a referral. It’s not fair to those of us who take your class to learn.”
“Since when does everything have to be about you? You’re disgusting.
Of course I’m quiet and compliant and never care about cleaning up your mess, but that doesn’t mean that I appreciate you leaving one for me to clean. You are a spoiled, self-centered brat who only cares for people when it’s convenient for you. You’re a user: you take without asking and assume everything is your domain. No one can have fun if you are not, and when you are it has to be the fun YOU want to have, not what the group wants. There are so many times where all I’ve wanted to do is punch you in the face and leave, but I know that is not the way to solve our problem. I realize I am scared to confront you because I have to see you again afterwards, and I don’t know how you will react to me. I have so much to argue about that it will seem like I hold grudges ... but how else am I suppose to get you to understand how I feel?”

To the doubters:
Journalism is not Yearbook.
I work hours and hours per week, dedicate even more hours to stressing about the school newspaper and in the end I get asked if I’m on yearbook. I correct the student, who just replies: “Oh, same thing.” No. No, it is not the same thing. I care so much. Please value that.

“One bench after another, a new couple on
each seat made for two or even sometimes made for one. Do you not realize that nobody wants to see your tongue shoved down someone else’s throat? ‘Cause I am pretty sure I speak for most people: you are mistaken. Mazel tov for finding a guy or a girl who
is willing to display a theoretically meaningful gesture in front of the world, but the world doesn’t want to see it. It cannot be remotely romantic

to sit next to a dorm building and make out with your girlfriend while listening to the sounds of grumpy teenagers complain about their exams or their smelly roommates at 8 o’clock in the morning. Go back to sleep, and get a room when you’re awake!”

22

To the small town girl:

By definition a friendship is a relationship. Each relationship unique to the two people it involves. Look to our other friendships. Things are different with you in a way that only makes sense with you. Could you be satisfied with the relationship I have with your friends? Or how about my other friends? I fail to believe that sort of relationship would be enough. Unexpectedly and without intention or cause we moved together, away from a typical friendship.

There is something more, and it is, for both of us, enjoyable.
“I have never known this kind of love. I look at her, and I gasp with the effort to contain my feelings. She is my world. Since her entrance into my life, I have begun to exist. My eyes are now open to experiencing everything with her, through her and for her. I do not know when it happened, but her young life outweighs my own. As I watch her, I know I would give anything for her happiness, for her to live. To say “I love her” is mediocre at best. There are no words adequate enough, and I have tried. I am human because of her.”
ers put you always let oth l yet “Why do you talented individua re a strong and down? You’ your spirit. You ers break down th lk you always let o when people ta p for yourself du e all can need to stan ughing it off. W y you and stop la bad about say, and we tr out what people ab self. see you’re sad and defend your u have to step up ere to fight your to help, but yo ys going to be th lwa deSomeone isn’t a er and one that So as a bystand w the battles for you. step up and sho asking for you to u.” fends you, I’m ted side of yo ng and talen world the stro

“I confess that I like you. Not enough to make a

move, but I’m intrigued by you. We’re friends, we really are. I’m not harboring feelings of unbridled lust. I just think you are cute in a nonconventional way. You’re ridiculous, but I like that personality of yours. I thought that you might give me my first kiss a while ago because I was so comfortable around you. I was wrong, and nothing has happened, and I don’t want it to. But I like the attention. That was lacking with him. So I hope we dance at Prom, just so there is no “what if” involved when we go our separate ways. I value our friendship, but I almost think I’d like to cross the boundaries at some point. Briefly. Just to see. Would you object?”

BEGINNINGS
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.

t er: To my brolizhhow much we u rea e

I don’t think yo been hard, but ou. Things have love y ugh them. n able to get thro we’ve bee rhear you say fore, when I ove There urting yourTILL plan on h that you S t you decide tha n a day when self o , I just don’t take it anymore you can’t ving. If e is worth li ed that get it. Lif ght you realiz anything, I thou the only perrs ago. I am not three yea who would do ho loves you and son w ase, don’t for you. So ple anything id. When you nything stup do a g yourself — e not only hurtin do, you’r I d to be honest, e hurting us. An you’r m’s crying anymore of Mo can’t take too much. you. It hurts me over To o. <3 them: I love you, br Im

et you girls on th e Internet during one of the lowest lows of my life. How we all got so close, I ha ve no idea, but I value our friendship so , so, so much. I trust you more than I trust my family or my friends. M aybe, just maybe , you’re the reason I’m al ive today. I love you girl s.

To the runner with the knee brace: When we run in the morning and cross paths, I admire your knee brace every time I see you. I wonder if you notice mine and feel a moment of a special connection. All by a knee brace.

24

To my fellow dreame r

“Thank you for understanding that I don’t ever want to talk about it. Ever. Thank you for understanding that for as long as I live, I don’t ever want to cry in front of you or anyone we know. I wish I didn’t have to be so cold and distant with the things that are happening to me and the things that are truly important to me, but if I wasn’t ... I don’t know what would happen. I don’t agree with some of the things that you’ve done, and I’m sorry that my opinion makes you nervous. But it’s not going to change. And I think that, in a way, that’s the beauty of us.”

s: Never lose hope.

te the world. It’s re“I wish you didn’t ha e so young is already so ally upsetting that someon the good in people. I jaded. I wish you could see with the simplicities of life. wish you could be happy h you as you think they are. I wis No one is as mean Maybe it’s beyou are. could see how beautiful e a hard time with you’re young that you hav cause word: life gets better.” all of this, but take my
You’re beautiful. You’re so smart especially in math. I don’t know why you don’t believe in yourself. You’re also the most insecure person I know, and I worry about you . You don’t think you’re capable, and I hope you overcome it. We are all wor king to get you to step out of your comfort zone. I’ve been there. But you fake confidence until you get it. Please do this.

To her:

“How uncanny that we as humans expect more loyalty, devotion, and love from our friendships than our relationships. Has society jaded us in such away that we proclaim the need to fall in love with our best friends yet choose strangers for the fear of being hurt? Is it not the idea that great love comes with even greater risk? Yet, here stand the devoted, unconditionally affectionate friends who never push for more.”
“I wish all my words hadn’t left me when he said he didn’t feel the same way. I wish I could have argued, told him why he was wrong, said he should reconsider. I wish I had told him that I would adore him, that we weren’t so different, that it would all work out beautifully. That he is so witty and smart and kind and engaging. That I would make him laugh and inspire him. I should have said that I wouldn’t try to change him; I would treasure him as he is. I wish I had taken him by the shoulders and shook him and told him that he is is so extraordinary, so smart, so wonderful — why does he set the bar for himself so low? I should have told him that he would not have disappointed me. I should have told him that in a month, a year, five years, he would wish he had said these things to me.”
“I like to think I’m always improving or at least changing. As crappy as it got in the end, I still remember how amazing it was for months and months. Thank you so much for that and guiding me through a bad year to make me who I am today. In some ways, I’ve fallen back on who I was, but in others, I’ll never be the same again, and I’ll never forget all the good you’ve done. (Though I’m never dating another Christian again!)”

eep in a stra home and sl no ge room. And ed in a stran b s you call

THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5. “Mom, “Mummy, I love you, you I know you’re ex know I do. We’re closer than mpty nestcited to be an e most families are because of what me have ut can’t you let happened to Daddy. You, me and er, b go so weird to Catherine. It was just us for 10 my room? It’s nge
years. Then you got remarried. I know you keep saying that you’ll lose him before you lose us. But I’m starting to think it isn’t true. Your oldest daughter, who’s 22, spends 3/7 days at home. Me, who’s 20, does everything she can to not be home. I don’t know what to do or how to tell you that you ARE losing me. Everyday you agree to give it another try with him when you KNOW its useless, you lose me just a little bit more. And I don’t want to be the one to break up your marriage, but if you don’t do something soon ... I will have to. Because I have nowhere to go. I only have you. And I need you. I need the mom you used to be back, the one who smiled and laughed and didn’t spend her days mad at someone. I need you back, mommy. I need you.”

BEGINNINGS

ny time matter how ma sister’s room will it my room, my and now it’s never be mine, ither. “ not really hers e

“Why don’t you stop worrying abo ut what everyone else does with their li fe and start thin king about how you live your life and how you make peop le feel?”

To my mom: First and foremost, I love you. I always have, and I always will. Nothing will change that. However, some days, I just get TIRED of all the nitpicking. I know I need a job. I know that I’m overweight and need to go to the gym. I know that I should be doing something other than being on the computer. You don’t need to be telling me these things every single day. It’s not like I’m NOT trying to get a job — I’ve applied to a bunch of places. It’s not like I’m sitting on the couch every single day, doing nothing — I do go to the gym at least once a week when school’s not crazy. I know you’re trying to look out for me but sometimes, enough is enough. I love you. <3

26

To my ex-friend: I have never regretted ending our poisonous friendship. I only regret not doing so sooner :) Oh, and by the way, the other day I heard you say (as the whole class probably did, since your shrill voice can pierce through anything) that our school is the school with the most drama. Hun, it’s only drama because YOU make it drama. My life has been completely boring and drama-free ever since I kicked you to the curb. Thank you not so very much.

t anymore? ven call you tha Ie Bestie: Can ent time together since you got toWe’ve barely sp listic virtues make friend. Your idea boy g with your gether with the ridge. That alon off a b to me want to jump very word said eact to almost e rr . Not everytendencies to ove AKE A JOKE rds: T you. Three wo tended to insult says to you is in ne learn to disthing that everyo ise. You need to , I prom well. You and malice you iends evenly as between fr and leave tribute your time h your boyfriend Y wit spend ALL DA hy? You don’t ind. Because w eh o? NO. I just everyone else b You think I d ma.” re all of my like “the dra n’t want to igno cause I do think the idea put up with it be our boyfriend, I g of y . Stop tellfriends. Speakin borderline gross together is of you and him o ... PLEASE. what you two d ing me about

o insecure Honestly . derful pe , you are a wonrson. I se e you wit her, and h I like an o brother to me at tim lder es, and we have gott lately, bu en a lot closer tIg know. Aft uess I’ll never er you gra d I hope w e keep in uate, want y touch. I ou to k eing a to make me smile ble time even all the when I’ve had a horrible d ay.”
now th thank y at I ou for b always wonder what w e could be like. You’ve b een

“I could ne tell this ver you in pers since, we on ll, I’m to

“I hate to admit it, but I really like who I’ve become as a person in these past months. I make mistakes, I have fun, I’m more open to people, I’m more laid back and I don’t have to waste time and energy striving for your attention. I depended too heavily on you, and it wasn’t healthy. Thanks for helping me see it was time to let go.”

BEGINNINGS
To a friend:
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.

You are lonely. I understand how powerful of an emotion that is. What I don’t understand is why you can claim you are in so much pain when you are cheating on various people. How can you just do that? Do you not know how painful it is to watch you to do this to innocent people? I hate to say this, but relationships are NOT the cure to what you are feeling right now. What you do, it hurts me as well. I wish you could see that. To

a friend: I’ve known you forev er, and I’ll always lov e you, but I am fed up of th is hierarchy. So metimes it’ll feel like we’re sister s and then you’ll tre at me like someone who isn’t worth y of your friendship. You have never once apol ogized for anything even when you caused fights, did n’t speak to me for weeks, and spread stories abou t me. It needs to end. It’s not like I don’t understand — you always com e back to me and when yo u like me, you’re the best friend ever. I know that you are less ce rtain of yourself than you act, an d this is your way of showing it. But please, find some other way to express your feelings?

To my girls from TFH: You girls are my life. I know we all met through Facebook, but you girls are my rocks. I know a lot of people think it’s weird that 17 girls from all over the world can have so much in common and still be friends over a year later. Knowing that no matter what happens, you girls will be there for me, does more in terms of support than you know. As you all know, I can’t talk to my family about some things, but I never hold back from TFH. So thank you. Thank you for being my best friends when I needed you all the most. I love you and may TFH live forever. Even if we never find Atlantis.

BEGINNINGS
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.

I miss you. But I also don’t remember you. My friends joke that we are destined because our brief relationship was straight out of a movie — saying goodbye in the rain, walks in the neighborhood, rival families. And four years of separation by the Atlantic Ocean. I know we tried. Last summer you wanted to see me. You wanted to travel to see me. I wrote you a letter and included my email address, so we talked. Now, we’re Facebook friends. I want to ask you if you remember me as more than a pretty face. It feels so distant. As it is, four years have passed. We are completely different, both of us, from age fourteen. We will be eighteen when we meet. I can’t wait. I hope it doesn’t disappoint. I hope you haven’t changed and that I still like you. I hope you feel the same way about me. I hope for a happy ending to this movie.
“The world needs to get over this ‘Twili ght phenom ena’ binge th ey’ve been on for the past year beca use it’s making me nauseated. Is it the 19 50s again or w when is it ok hat? Since ay of me deem as ‘a classic’ has abso lutely no taste or intellig ence for that mat ter. Either that or they ’re all just a bunc h of sexist idiots.”

To him:

g Recipient the Deservin To are Award, of the Fish C hing my betta ank you for watc Th break. I love st Thanksgiving fish la re somethough I’m not su you, even r your bipolar if it’s you I see o times I you anyway, isorder. I love d e patient with k. It’s hard to b thin d ou are very goo ou sometimes. Y y ot die. at making fish n

for a woman her entire lif to give up e for a man, or I guess so sparkly vam me pire this tim e? This piece shit so

MIDDLE & END “T
hese are the rants received during the final ten days of the project. They begin at November 20 and end on November 29. Any rants received later were included on the Words I Never Said blog.”

DAYS 6-15

30

To a friend: The distance has torn us apart, but I’m not so sure that this a bad thing. Our goals and our perspectives are just so different ... too different.
“When you ask the rhetorical question of ‘Who should I live for now that I’ve given up on you?’, I always want to say, ‘Why don’t you live for yourself?’” When you complain how you can’t touch me because I get so annoyed, I want to say that that was when I was LITTLE; you can’t possibly expect me to act like I was back then. What’s the use of me pretending I like it when I don’t? You know very well that it’s something that I can’t change. When you start talking about my academics and how you’re so disappointed, I want to tell you that you had way too high expectations to begin with and was so possessed with the fact that I was going to turn out EXACTLY how you wanted. Ultimately though, I just want you to realize how I’m not a bad daughter, just not the perfect one. I want you to understand how to be happy with what you have. But I also understand where you’re coming from, and that’s the only reason I don’t talk back to you every time you lecture.”

“Please what just let me do telling me op I want to do. St tell d wrong. Don’t what’s right an out bad going to turn You me that it’s all to be unhappy. n that I’m going and hat’s going o don’t know w really you has rything for because eve rfect. good and pe always been ck enough and e been held ba I’v a little.” just want to live

akes me wonde r what you say about m e behind my back.”

way you can reco ver from a breakup is by saying shit about th e other person until you feel better about yourself. It m

“I hate that the o

nly

“Th

an

ky

ou.”

I want and who

mes to who I date ... it’s perfect ly fine for me to be self-cen tered. I am go ing

“I’m mature enou gh to make my own decision s. Don’t judge me or the peop le I chose to be with. I can’t belie ve you think I am unjustly self-ce ntered. Yes, I confess I can be self-centered at times. But w hen it co to date who is best for me.”

MIDDLE & END
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.

“There is nothing you can do now to ever make me trust you again. I will never be able to hug you and feel clean; you have robbed from me the ability to feel at home in my home. Showers will always make me feel dirtier, never cleaner. There is a residue of blackness that your eyes and that camera left on my body that will perpetuate my life forever. But I can’t do a single thing about it because it would break her heart. If she knew you what you had done, what you are capable of doing, she would live the rest of her life hating herself for everything she never knew. I don’t think I will ever find love because I will never again make the mistake of trusting a man. You were the one man that there should never have been question, I should have always been able to go to and you should have been there then in ways that I will never let you be now. And now, now, you think you can just pretend like it never happened and maybe I will forget. It’s too late for you. I hate that you try so hard now to be better, but it will never change what you did. You give back what you took from me; you find a way to give me back everything that you tainted, and things will change. But you can’t take it back. Your mind will never forget what your eyes have seen. You will never again see me as innocent because you yourself are the one who stole that innocence. What did I do to make you think it was okay? What could I have done different to have prevented everything from happening? But more than anything, Dad, how could you take from me the one thing that a father should have protected?”

32

To the girl from kindergarten/first grade: I hope that one day you can forgive me for what you thought I had done to you. And one day accept that I apologized endlessly for something I didn’t even understand, hoping you would explain my wrongdoing to me. I hope you have a good life going ... I wish I knew if you did or not.

You used to be the sweetest kid. Now? Not so much. The Stephen I knew would never do the things you’re doing. Getting high with a friend that was sent away to rehab in another state? Cheating on girls? We used to be best friends. What happened to us? Where did you go? When you started dating Christine, you stopped talking to all of your friends. You got a whole new set, didn’t you? Too bad the kids who knew who you really were weren’t included in that. You left me completely. Started saying mean and horrible things about me — to my face and behind my back. And I hate you for it because you of all people should know that I don’t need that. I didn’t need it then, and I don’t need it now. I hope you know our theatre department was completely free from drama until you showed up. You think you’re amazing at everything you do. Let me tell you something: YOU CANNOT ACT. I don’t care what Liv says. You can’t act. You suck. They hand stuff to you because E loves you. And yeah, you’re a good singer ... but only by comparison to the lack of talent in our school. You are by far not the best male singer I’ve heard, just one of the best we’ve got. I don’t know why they hand stuff to you but they do. And as much as it’s not fair, it happens. But you’ve let it go to your head. You think you’re so cool and you’re not. At all. You’re a jerk. You play with girls’ emotions and move from girl to girl within a few weeks. What, do you need a new girlfriend every show? Christine during right after the Boyfriend. Cheating on Christine with Sydney during Jukebox. Screwing around with Jenny during Twelfth Night? I hope you know all these girls REALLY liked you. I really liked you. Until I found out who you really were. You are
possibly one of the most pompous, arrogant, annoying people I’ve ever met. I hate you.”

“Stephen. Who the hell are you now?

diot!” re an i “You’

“I realize that you’re hurt

but get over it; there was never anything, and no one cares. Move on and stop bugging me. I don’t want to talk to you every five minutes, and I can tell you’re only here for one thing. Get over
yourself and find someone who will put up with you. Just because you have ‘stalkers’

doesn’t make you awesome. Don’t be so mean to them; they have feelings too.”

MIDDLE & END
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.

“I’ve tried so hard to justify what

I did to you in my mind, and every single time, for some reason, my argument with myself loses more and more fuel. So I’m finally saying
this: I’m sorry for those three weeks of horrible treatment I gave you after we broke up. I’m sorry I went to everyone

else with our problems but never came to you to talk about them. I’m sorry I hid so much of what I was feeling away from you instead of sitting down and telling you about it. I said you were my best friend but yet in the end, I lied. You knew everything about me that I showed you, that I faked because I thought it would make you happy and in the end, it only made you even more hurt than you ever have been before.

“I wish how I could show what you did te much I apprecia kid that never I was that hyper for me. potenver really showed the focused and ne saw l of this, you tial. Despite al you bed. The fact that potential I ha allowed me to lieved in me then l now.” be so successfu

I’m sorry for everything.” “You told

nk you for your words of discourag ement; they fue

me I couldn’t do it, but I accomplis hed it in the end. So th a

led me to be even better.”

and you helped me through so much. But now, you take me for granted. You don’t think that I’d ever have the guts to end our friendship. You ignore everything I say, then you get upset when I get mad at you. We’ve tried to work things out, but nothing’s the same. You claim that I’m your friend, yet you don’t treat me like one. I’m tired of hoping that one of these days, you’ll come up, give me a hug and say you’re sorry. I wish you would come to your senses and that things could go back to how they were a few months ago.”

“You were an amazing friend at first,

34 To my best friend,

Thank you for always being here for me. I really owe my life to you. You have always been by my side through my good and bad moments. You bring out the best in me, and you are more than capable of handling my flaws. I’ve made plenty of mistakes and am blessed that you are able to accept my apologies and move on. I never meant to hurt you. I think that if we stick together, we can help each other. I’m amazed by your compassion every day, and I just want to sincerely thank you for being such a devoted and loyal friend :) “I wanted to be close to you so much, but you
always held back. Sure, it was fun to banter and joke, but there was always a wall. Maybe it was my fault; maybe it was yours. Maybe it was both of us. You were just too much of an immature idiot to realize that our relationship could have been deeper, and now it’s too late. I wonder if you even realized how much you affected me. Probably not. That’s too bad, and I’ve moved on.”

__, Dear _____ that sad to think s really quite u It’ person like yo ch a genuine su form e and con would chang ing you ery th into the v . ised not be prom do hate who u, but I I don’t hate yo I hope ing like, and u’re act yo ake ou can w ne day y o from e yourself up and se . and le’s eyes .. other peop change.

“Why did you even say we could be friends? We never talk anymore, and you never put in the effort, which was always the problem. I put everything I had into our relationship, and you held back. Like you always do. We were supposed to last. We were supposed to work out. Now, we can’t even talk about it. You’re so perfect at everything else in your life, but you weren’t perfect at a relationship. But you didn’t even try. You just gave up. And I will never forgive you for that.”

I’ll always know in my heart that
I did the right thing: to help you. I know you never forgave

To that kid:

me, but maybe one day you will because I know it would change things and the way you see the world. I don’t know if I ever truly loved you, but it’s a shame to see what we have become. I never
wanted you to be a stranger to me.

MIDDLE & END
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.
An in him: To ere the biggest disappointmentctatiomy lifI e.dn’tdexIt di n, bu You w e with expe y is all I ntment only cam imum decenc thought disappoi the bare min you: right ... maybe pect much from t was so great, so g meone I though n I miss somethin expected. In so you, but how ca but maybe you maybe I just miss e, I was dumb, speak from prid e mine? Maybe I s now becom that was never r granted ha u took fo t yo will regret wha ver have. hat you’ll ne w

“Religion is not an excuse to discriminate. Whether it be creed, color,
sexuality or any other number of things, you have no right to discriminate, and your religion is a weak excuse to do so. Stop preaching hate. Learn to love everyone, not just those who think like you. If you can’t manage that, why the fuck are you religious? Jesus preached love and kindness. Show that his words actually do mean something to you instead of just praying for my soul for disagreeing with you.”

To my “friend”:

Sure, we’re considered “friends,” but the truth is we’re really not, and you don’t have any REAL friends simply because all you care about is yourself. That’s all you ever talk about: your life, your friends, your family, your endless problems, your crushes (which change every week) ... and whenever someone tries to talk about him or herself a little bit, your one-word responses make it so obvious that you don’t give a crap. Maybe if you were a little less self-centered, a little more caring and actually listened to others, you would know what it’s like to have REAL friends.

why I ever used quotes when I re ferred to you all family. You have as my been there for m e through so much, and I lo ve you all more than you can imagine. Th ank you fo
can’t even begin to describe how much I will miss you all next year, and I hope that we are always this close.”
everything I ne r being eded and mo re. I

“I don’t know

36
“Thank you for being there; you are truly one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Some of the other people you hang out with irritate the hell out of me, but it’s alright since you always manage to brighten my day. There’s things I’ve always wanted to tell you, but I still can’t and won’t. But mainly: thank you.”

minding my own business. came in — a man. He ordere A customer d a pizza. As I was counting out his change, he looked me with all of the sincerity at in his soul and said, ‘Than k you. Thank you for you. I may never know being your name, but I will remember your warm friendly smile until th , e day I am laid to rest loved. Never forget th in my grave. You are at, young lady.’ I was thrown off completely. I sm walked over to start makin iled and g his order. I thought about it — a lot. As I handed him I asked him why he had sai his pizza, d these things. He told me it was because he could see scars which resemble past my struggles and he would nev er forgive himself if he left touching my heart today. W without hat’s the point of all this? I simply want to challenge you live like him. Thank the little to old lady in the baker y for always welcoming you wit smile. Thank the immigrant h a warm behind the counter at the fast food joint where you pic your dinner. Thank the eld k up erly man in the car ahead of you for letting you pass. your boss for giving you an Thank opportunity and a chance . Thank those complet strangers who’ve aff e ected your life more than they’ll ever know .”

“I was at work today ,

“We’ve been friends for over four years.

I’ve liked you the entire time, but I never said a thing, figuring we wouldn’t have a chance. Now we’ve both gone through relationships and times when you told me that you liked me when I didn’t make a move. Now here we are, I’ve been helping you through a bad break-up where you are still head-overheels for him, even when he did awful things to you and a lot of other people. I was your shoulder to cry on the entire time, wanting always to say how I felt but knowing you still wanted him and me saying anything would only worsen everything. This is the worst thing I’ve done in my life.

I said nothing — to THE girl.”
“I lo

ve so b you, bu lind t you you’re can’ j t see ust it.”

To those who I have hurt and will hurt and to those who will never know I hurt them:
I’m sorry. For everything. For what I said and didn’t say. For what I did and didn’t do. I’m sorry if I gave you an eye roll that ruined your day or laughed when you needed comfort. I’m sorry if I said the wrong thing or mistreated you in any way. I’m sorry that I didn’t have the courage to help you or apologize to you. I’m sorry if I insulted you or your beliefs. That is criminal. I’m sorry if I was mean to you (even in my mind) or talked behind your back. (What an awful thing to do.) I’m sorry if I negatively affected you in any way. This message is meant as an apology, but it doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15. “ T h e r e gs t of thin “I just met you, but I feel like I’ve are a lo said to a known you forever. I feel like you’ve taken I had ut b I wish everything inside of me and jumbled it eople, ferent p say around. I’m giddy when you write on my f dif to lot o uld like Facebook wall, and I’m delirious when stly I wo e you.” mo you smile at me. I never thought I’d be iv one of those girls falling hopelessly, I forg
but I think you’ve converted me.”

MIDDLE & END

“Girl, I love you so much.

You’re the best friend I ever could have asked for. I wish I could say it to you because I’m not sure you always realize how much you mean to me. I’m sorry we go a week or sometimes more without talking, but I know you understand how it is. I get busy. I get distracted. I start to hate myself, and suddenly I don’t want to talk to anyone. But it doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking about you in the spare moments. That sounds really lesbian-ish, and I don’t mean it that way, but I know you would know what I mean. You would laugh and say, ‘I get it.’ You’ve been so great the past few weeks as I’ve been struggling to get over that damn boy (and I give him that epithet in the most affectionate way possible because, of course, he was my friend long before he was my boyfriend, and I don’t want to put you in the middle any more than you already are). I know he’s calling you too and probably complaining about me, and I admire the fact that you are somehow dealing with both of us without blowing up in each of our faces because we’re a frustrating pair, and we do stupid shit a little too often. It was OK when we were together, but it’s less fun now that things have gone south. I know you’ve spent a few too many nights on the phone with me as I re-hash what happened for hours, trying to process it all, trying to find a way through it. I know that has been less than fun, and I appreciate so much that you never once told me to just get over it already. You understood it was going to be a process, and for some reason you were willing to help me go through it. You never got frustrated with me even though I gave you a thousand reasons to. I hope that you know that I love you, and I will do my best to always be there for you, no matter what you need (Ice cream? A movie date to that movie no boy would ever see with you? Someone to be there for you at 2 in the morning because someone broke your heart? You got it). Not just because of this but because I care so much about you. We’ve been through a lot together, but we’ve only gotten close the past couple of months. And honestly, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I’ll never forget our late summer nights in the parking lot, just the three of us before things got so complicated. And I promise that, for you, he and I will find a way to make things simple again. We’ll find a way to fix this. It just doesn’t make sense when it’s not the three of us, and if we can’t fix our relationship for our own sanity, I at least will try to find a way to do it for you because I love you so much (I think we both do), and I know the last thing you want is for this to break up the three of us. I promised you this wouldn’t change us, and it won’t. Love you so much, girlie.”

38

“You’ll never know how many times you’ve made me cry with the things you’ve said and the way you treat me. How is it that somebody who’s supposed to be there for you through everything can be the one person to make you hurt the worst?”
share, but that

I may never secret that aspire to be. I hope that ifI I “I have one n

is not the perso not hate me or judge me. is because it you will cannot forgive can tell you, take, and I one day I ade the mis my own life m e past this in hate that I ed, but hope to mov am asham to this day. I myself e ppy again. I never make th y become ha and could and one da rson there m my mistake d fro ious pe I have learne t the most relig It was the bigagain. I’m no e. same mistake n forgive m at.” at God ca better than th but I hope th is, , and I knew istake of my life gest m

“It makes my heart hurt every time

“I secretly hate you. You don’t respect my family or other friends. You have backstabbed me in ways you wouldn’t even think you did. Sometimes you listen to me, but others you just sort of nod and say yeah. I secretly hate you.”

“You’re so much more than what you think of yourself. You’re an amazing person, and I hope you realize how lucky a girl would be to And one day, I’ll be have you. Even if it’s never going to able to be OK with be me, I hope one day you believe that. But right now, it’s killing me. in how smart, funny and sensitive Despite the evening I’ve had, I can’t you really are. If I saw it, I can just pick up the phone and dial your number and explain to you just what has promise a million other gone wrong in my life and let you remind me that there are people in this world who think I’m worth something. Not because you girls will too.”

I think of you. And I may just live with it every day for the rest of my life because you’re not just my ex-boyfriend; you’re my best friend. You’re still the person I can run to with everything that’s going wrong, and I know that you’ll always be there. You always have been. I almost wish you had taken that away from me, too. Maybe it would make it easier if you weren’t so damn kind and caring and forgiving. And you think you’re a “heartless bastard”? I never want to hear those words from your lips again, not if you’re referring to yourself. After everything I put you through the past couple of weeks, I’m shocked speechless that you’re still willing to see the good in me (even when I’m convinced there is none left) and give me yet another chance. These are the reasons I love you. These are the reasons I’m so broken right now. And I can’t even blame you because you’re doing this so that I don’t get hurt worse further down the road. You don’t feel the same, and I suppose that’s something you can’t help because I know you tried. You love me that much that you really tried. You just don’t love me the right way, I guess.

wouldn’t do that for me but because I think it would kill me. It would hurt way too much to let you say those things to me when everything is still so raw. I told you I was moving on yesterday. I told you there wouldn’t be any more late-night, alcohol-laced telephone calls. I told you I had seen the error of my ways. And I have to believe that I have because otherwise I’m going to ruin anything we have left. But some part of me fears it’ll always be you, and that’s a chance I’m gonna have to take.”

been an ass

“I’m sorry I’

ve

hole.”

MIDDLE & END
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.

“Sometimes I just love so much it hurts. I will never understand the teenage notion of ‘love.’ It is so messed up. Just like we all learn in different ways, we all find enjoyment in doing different things, so why can’t we all love in different ways?
Some people will want to date; some will want to go steady; some may just want to play around. Some people will love someone so, so much but won’t express it with affectionate touches and kisses. That’s OK. Some go overboard with showing loved ones how they feel with hugs and kisses and affection. That’s OK too! What’s not OK is to try and force someone to love in a way they don’t want to love. It is so not OK to cut off affection from someone who is affectionate. It is like taking out a whip and giving him or her lashes ... it is that painful. Love is an individual who affects so many other people. But if those other people are willing to open themselves up and let in that love, they are making a pact — a pact saying ‘I accept your way of love and respect that you love me for everything I am.’ So even after a break up, a falling out between friends or a fight between parents, that pact — that invisible bond — is supposed to draw the people back to each other. So why is it that so often people ignore the pact or the bond or pretend that it wasn’t there in the first place? Love is wonderful, and it sucks. And it will take forever and beyond to understand why we love how we love and what it all means. Overall, love is a lesson of acceptance: something we teenagers really need a lesson in. We need to accept that we all love in different ways and to respect that and nurture it rather than shun and hurt it. I would love to see that acceptance come about. Imagine what would happen just in our schools ... imagine what it would be like if that acceptance of differences happened all over the world...

After all, love is a powerful force.”

40

“You have disappointed me. You are my mother, but you are not nice to me. And even as you try to seem nice now, this is not always the case, and I know it. You have not changed and will not. I am still very angry with you, and I have no idea how long it will take me to get over the past and the hurt that you have caused me. You have hurt me more than I ever thought I could be hurt, and it has greatly affected me in many ways. I will always love you, as you are my mother, but there will be no change in our relationship anytime soon. I hope that one day things can be OK between us, but I cannot tell you when or if that will happen. I am sorry, but I do not only blame myself.”

“Do you even know what you’re saying? How can you be

so harsh? You did the same things ... just last year as a matter of fact. You made mistakes and so do I. Just because I’m not the best doesn’t mean I’m worthless. “You hav Maybe I don’t even care. Maybe what e such a h you think is the most important thing in old on me now, one y . Even ear after I d the world doesn’t matter to me at all. I ropped you class, I still h tried. I failed. I know. You don’t need to r stu esitate to sa y anything fo pid rub it in. I can just give up if that’s what that you r fear all will ju you wanted. But I’d rather not. You’ve dge me. B since this is ut hell, given me reason to try harder; apparently an outlet fo I will get it right. I can get better, and r what I want to say , here goes I will owe it all to your criticism and To the : Huma judgment. All those sneers and scoffs talented. You are nities Class of 2009: Yo more skilled u are smarte only make me try harder. You made aall of it because you are bet . You got into the schools r than I am. You are m nd with m ore , the plays ter peo things harder for me, but you made The secondaybe only two exceptionsple than I could ever hope to , the sports teams ... , I hate you. I dropped th be. You are You inadve at class, yo all shit me stronger. So thank you for not bertently mad u stopped e my life he speaking ll. you in the ha to me whe lieving in me. You’ve given me I rem lls. n I passed ember whe n she invited the pleasure of proving you were with them me for three and to join your end of ye insisting it w ar a half years wrong.” ould be aw ; surely they celebration. She said kw
, you ard but she ’ll want you insisted. So there. I dec to me. Not I lined, one. I grad came, and none of yo u said a ed your pa This last sum pers instead mer . and blocked , I deleted almost all o f yo the ones I re ceived. I co u from my Facebook. and ever I deleted yo yone from mpletely ur emails separate [high sch d myself ool], and from you I am now time in a happy fo long time r the firs I just thought . t it would be shit in my ey nice to men tion that yo es. That pro u, perfect p bably does eople that yo n’t count fo with, but h u are, are ey, have fu r much since I’m less than you to n judging begin I still get mo this rant. st of the em ails you send Please, do — the block me a favor feature does and take m decide to e off the list. not work per show up If you don’t, fectly. at one of I might a your eve ctually nts, which no one rea lly wants.” fucking word

“I am gonna keep it short and sweet: You two are the most worthless, backstabbing bitches that I ever met in my life. Hope to never see anyone like you two in the future.”

“Do you even know the definition of family? Don’t think I was
stupid enough to forget the things all of you did to me when I was younger. What allowed you to think it’s OK to just not accept us? What did she ever to do you? What did I ever do to you? And now, after all that has happened, you should have

learned your lesson, but you didn’t.

I can see right through your fake smiles and unaffectionate hellos and hugs. As much as I wish I had people to fulfill your roles in my life, you’re not worth my time.”

MIDDLE & END
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.

“I didn’t do anything to you. You said that you were okay

with what was going on between us; you knew every detail and had a boyfriend at the time. I don’t understand why we are no longer friends. How can something like this come between two people who were best friends for years? You used to be the one I turned to and trusted, but you broke that trust and walked away from my life. Now, we talk, but it’s different and seldom. You’re a different person toward me, and I don’t like it. I am still the same toward you. I dislike how you act toward me now; even others notice how you act toward me and can see that you are not a friend. Sometimes I wonder if we could ever be friends again, but unfortunately, I don’t see it, which makes me very “Thank yo sad. If this is what things have come to, and u. You have not on this is how you are going to be, then it can be the deptly pulled me up from hs of ev this way. I wish you the best and more; I have drowning in, but erything I was also placed m higher than I e always been a true friend to you.” ever though

“...I also hate the fact that you are always crushing my dreams, telling me that’s impossible; that’s dumb; how could you even think that you could do something like that? I had a dream — still do — that someo day I’d drop out of college and Tththe first person, ank you. I will take a couple friends all who love you fo rever.” are like me — desperate to get away from the injustice of life — and take a motorcycle tour of Europe for a couple of years. For years, I imagined the rise that I would get out of you, but I never voiced this dream because I knew you’d just fly into a rage or laugh at me and tell me that I’m being ridiculous again and direct me back to whatever boring task I was doing. For every single time that I’ve thought I loved you, there are five times when I’ve known I hate you. You may provide everything I need physically, but your emotional nurturing scores a zero.

t I could be. To the pe rson who push ed me down ther e in the first pl ace, it’s over now; you are over now. Never come near me agai n. My life is a much better place w ith joy, happines s, and opportu nity. You tried to sq ua of my spirit; yo sh ever y part u almost won . I’m glad you didn ’t. You took m e through hell, tried to break me. And now look at me: much be tter than I have ever been.

P.S. He’s not your cat. He’s OURS.”

42

you, ’t understand re I ever will.” “I don and I’m not su

“You say you’re my best friend and that you’ll always be there

for me. But ever since I left town, I’ve completely lost you. You never talk to me anymore no matter how hard I try. And I have always tried. I have always tried to spend time with you, and you never give me the time of day. Even when I know you’re doing nothing at all, you won’t make any sacrifices to see me. We used to be inseparable. Do you forget that? Do you not want that anymore? Or have you found someone to take my place, just like you did with all the girls you’ve ever dated? Ha. Dating you, the worst mistake: I had a backstage look at your love life for three years; I knew everything about how you treated people. I guess because I was your best friend I thought it would be different. And the hell you dragged me through with you — and all I got was loneliness and enemies. God dammit. And the worst part of all this: I love you. I love you completely. I will always want to be a part of your life, and you are still my number one, my president. And you will never appreciate this; you’ll never even realize this because you are so stubborn and blind. I need you now. And you’re killing me. And no matter how much my head tells me this, my heart and my soul and my everything will want to be beside you. Please, please see me again.”
d now we granted, but none “You er yone else for you take me and ev You ore ... we invite don’t even talk. or your life anym here for you, care about you to be of us really re not going ty. One day we’ least bit sorry for not having places out of pi the r without ly won’t feel am much happie and I honest e moved on and ymore. I’v e down.” your back an ways bringing m you in my life, al

e of my be used to be on

st friends, an

what I w st friend ou s ily to me ld do without yo : I don’t know u. You a , and th re like fa ere are I can tru ma fe ly which ta talk to about a w of you whom nything. kes a lot “Stop I trust yo for me to with you u, do b blasting the know ev ecause you see , but I am willing erything m to tru st me. Y and can at times, music in ou rea w your because hich I love (thou d me like a book car. You are gh it can it makes not cool. be scary opening you kn ) The bass in that u o question- you hav w that I am he p easier. I hope re for e been able music yo yo you wit t u listen to h all of here for me u, as makes me wan . I love thank my he t to stab ar yo have d u enough fo t and cannot someone.” one an r all t h d bein needed g ther at you someo e whe ne mo your ad nI st. vic support, e, your care, y If it were not fo o r I’m not sure I co ur time, and yo far. And ur u for that, thank yo ld have come th er lose u, and is you. when I n Please, always I hope to neveed you be there most as I will be for me for you.

My be

MIDDLE & END
usemates: , fantastic ho that deTo my lovely crites. How is it

THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.

of hypo ath You’re a bunch breath when I bre ed fact I can see my spite the — we’re not allow AT cold — YES, it’s TH l cost too much it’l ng on because gling up the central heati to you two snug when it comes I have BUT SAME program THE ? upstairs watching m, that’s OK the living roo on downstairs in Why do you ty. waste of electrici If this is Surely, that’s a crites about this? ch as to be such hypo have won’t pay as mu to be I how you’re going icity bill. you in the electr

Be yourself. Ha! Isn’t that so cliché? But it is full of truth. The people who matter are not going to care about how much you fit in. They are awesome and care about you, no matter what. Find these people and surround yourself with them. They will be there for you to cheer you up or make you smile. Just remember that they have added you to their circle and also need a shoulder to lean on. Embrace your inner dork and show people you’re amazing despite somewhat embarrassing talents. This is a courage that not many people have and when people see it, they will respect you all the more. I know that I don’t have this courage, but I wish I did. Pursue your passions. Just because everyone else is doing one thing, it doesn’t mean that you can’t do what you love. Celebrate anything. Just because it is not a holiday doesn’t mean you can’t have a party. It’s what life is about. History repeats itself. Make funny faces in the mirror. The power of a smile is underrated. I am almost done. A few more things: Don’t be serious all the time. Live life to its fullest. And never fall asleep in class because people will make fun of you. It’s an automatic right.

Some of my words of wisdom:

44

ted on your boyfriend, and I side with him even though he’s a littl e five-year-old who needs to grow a pair. I wish we weren’t frie nds anymore. You’re no t a real friend anyhow, and stop hitting me . You don’t get to decide wh en people are in good and bad moods ba sed on your emotions! Ev eryone has PMS, OK? You’re not the only on e!”

“It’s not OK that you chea

“It’s so obvious that you like her, LOVE her.

You’ve loved her ever since you “broke up” that fake relationship with a girl who really cared for you. She now has an amazing boyfriend who actually cares for her too, not just her age or shape or anything. Anyways, the fact that you chose to break up with her and then ask her out again a few hours later is just ridiculous. It took her two weeks to say yes to you in the first place. You really think that she’d say ‘yes’ a few hours after you broke up with her? And now you STILL keep flirting with her and talk about her with one of her best friends. I also see you flirting with that best friend who has a BOYFRIEND. I know that I shouldn’t really be bothered by this, but the girl you’re in love with, her best friend, and their other friend are a few of my best friends who I talk to every day. And I can’t stand seeing you flirt with two of them — mainly the one you love — every single day. Go get a grip on life, take it for a ride, and get over her because she is way past over you even though she still leads you on. She’s just that kind of person to do that and although I don’t agree with it, I’m still her friend. So just chill off and find a new girl to like. Stop being such a manwhore.”

page for a good amount d stared at an empty doesn’t involve you. I “I sat here an
confession to type up that ink about of time trying to think of a to admit it, but I still th me up with anything. I hate ntage couldn’t co wish you didn’t take adva I have no clue why. I you a lot, and k with everything re dif ferent now. Good luc rything, and I wish things we of eve need it.” talk, I know that you really because even if we don’t

“Your boyfriend is a douchebag who doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t listen; he doesn’t love. I don’t even think you love him. I’m done chasing after you, but that doesn’t change who he is. He hasn’t won. You can do better.”

MIDDLE & END
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.

“In my high school, there’s a class called Humanities. That’s basically an AP
class higher than GT [gifted and talented]. A lot of others and I have quite a few problems about “Hum kids” — not ALL Hum kids but the ones from my class of 2012. First off, they all think they’re smarter than EVERYBODY. (By the way this isn’t about ALL of the kids in that class.) There’s this one boy who I’m sort of friends with and whenever I say something about school or my grades, he’ll try to one-up me. I’ll be like “I got an A on my Algebra 2 test,” and he’ll be like “I got an A on my Calculus AB AP test,” or something along the lines of that, and it’ll not make feel excited anymore for an A, which I got on a test I thought I bombed. Second, they freak out way too much about their grades. That isn’t a completely bad thing but when they’re upset because they got a 90% or something ... that’s ridiculous! Third, they’re just so … ughhh. I can’t even explain it! They tend to clump together and make other people feel left out. On a side note, my friend told me that my ex said this to her, “I’m through dating dumb girls and from now on, I’m only dating girls in Hum because no one else is good enough.” OK, sorry, but I’M TAKING THE SAME GOV AP CLASS AS YOU WITH THE SAME TEACHER AND CURRICULUM (just in a different period), and I have a B in it, which isn’t that bad even if you do have an A. So yeah, I’m friends with a few of the Hum kids and all, but a few of them can really just get on my last nerve.”
ur desquite childish, and yo edless attention-whoring is less.” “Your ne ly makes others value you desire to be valued on perate

46

“My friends warned me, but I love danger, and you were a dangerous man.”

Because I think way too much:

Just because I am a little weird doesn’t mean that you are better than me. I am going to be myself, no matter what you think. And to the braggers: other people did just as well as you. Not everyone needs to know. Think about how the other people feel. I know I am insecure sometimes. So I have built a façade, and I am not sure where me begins and the façade starts. And it is to impress those awesome people in my life — not the most popular people but the smartest and kindest. The thing is though, it doesn’t matter what part is truly me or not because I have fun all the time with the me I have built, and I guess, in the end, that is what being yourself is, being the person that you want to be and have fun being. I know where I am in the world, and I like it, so in the end, I am not going to care about the people who think they are better than me. It’s cool to know that I am the person I want to be.

I’d appreciate it if you made a move soon.

I like you.

carrying you? “Why am I be crying on the floor because

“I thin k you it’s annoy k i the fa now she ng that y ct tha t she is seriou ou want ‘is no t payi s about m my girl f ng att ention e. And ye riend ev en ty to you as a f ou are still though riend. e ’ Bull. motional ov Back of f...” er
“I’m sor

Without me, you’d y legs. to move your own laz you don’t know how ng in hell. ing you from burni I’m the only one keep out of t your hand slip Maybe I’ll just le t be fine?” u fall, wouldn’t tha mine. Watching yo

ry fo really did mess up b r ever ythin ig time, bu g. I know I much. Say t da ing goodb ye was by mmit, I still love you ever had so far the ha to d rdest and alth o. I can’t believ e I let th thing I’ve ough I d is happe id how you n got so d mess up, I still istant a don’t ge changed nd how t . Were yo quickly u always mask? If y you like that b ou want o ut just put ut, tell me But if you st on a and then st ill want to op talking be friends to me. then damn it, act like o ne.”

MIDDLE & END
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15. I still care about you. And it hurts more than anything that I can’t even be friends with you. We were best friends before, and now I don’t even know who you are. We were perfect. We still could be. You’re just too ignorant to admit that you were wrong to break up with me. Get over yourself and just be with me.

“I am so pissed right now I can hardly function.
Not only has my roommate gone and created a massive amount of drama where there was none previously, but she has dragged me into the middle of it and continues to tear me down on top of that. Why does she think the world revolves around her?! Seriously? Someone’s being nice to me so it’s automatically because she’s trying to make my roommate jealous!? That makes perfect sense! Seriously?! And the stupid bitch calls her parents and proceeds to have a loud conversation full of lies to them when I am trying to watch a TV show! Lack of respect! I always leave the room if I’m on the phone, whether she’s studying or sleeping or watching TV. Do I get the same respect in return? Of course not. Of course not! She can talk on the phone anywhere! There’s only one TV! And does she think I can’t hear her blatantly twisting the truth so it sounds like she’s right? She was butting into someone else’s business all along! There is no way she is the victim here! I wish she would stop trying to make everyone feel sorry for her! Who does she think she is? God’s gift to mankind? Does she think she can just butt into a situation that doesn’t even involve her and tell everyone else what to do and someone isn’t going to get pissed? S doesn’t owe her an apology! She owes S an apology, if you ask me! If only N would stop coddling her and telling her she did nothing wrong, maybe she would realize it! And she owes me
an apology, too! But for some reason, I’m just a non-person to her. She doesn’t even have to consider my feelings. As far as she’s

concerned, I don’t have any. She can just go and step all over them, imply that the only reason one of my friends is being nice to me is because she’s trying to make my roommate feel bad! Who is she to judge that someone is being ‘too friendly’ to me and is therefore ‘trying to make her jealous’? Did it ever occur to her that maybe S likes me and treats me well because I give her some respect and don’t deign to tell her how to run her life every five minutes? No! Of course not! That would make too much
sense!”

48

“I wish that we could always be friends, but I am not sure that is possible. I will always think of you as a good friend, no matter what. Hello, my friend, and if something or someone may come between us, I wish you the best and hope you are happy. As your friend, that is what I want for you.”

“I see what you mean now
when you say I can choose not to hate. I wanted to hate you for what you had done: the manipulation, the leading on afterward, the anger at me for having the spine to call you out. But now I realize that I have a choice: the choice between hatred and hope — hope for the friendship we once so effortlessly had. I miss the support we gave each other, the constant communication, having someone who was always there. In the end, letting our friendship die as a result of stubbornness would be as great a shame as letting our relationship die as a result of something so preventable as taking you for granted. We’ve already had to experience one. So I choose hope, hope that we are not beyond repair and can be friends again. I just hope my choice isn’t too late.”

“You don’t n eed a guy to make you be autiful. I know you want a rela tionship so bad and you want to have someone who loves you — trust me, I wa nt it too! But you can’t let that define you. You’re so muc h more than that, and you deserv e the guy who’ll o nly date you afte r you believe in y ourself.”

me the mo ed you.” “From ant
knew Iw
To all you girls wearing leggings as pants:

I et you, nt I m

“I’m really sick of hearing about her. I get it. I’m not as pretty, I’m not as tall, I can’t drink as much, I’m not as cool and I’m not good enough. Guess what else I’m not? Your girlfriend! Stop comparing me to her if nothing compares to her.”

It’s got to stop. I get wearing leggings with tunics and dresses. You’re right; that’s fashionable.
But hoodies, regular tops, uggs/rainboots and leggings ... it just don’t work. I mean

really, you have underwear lines, and everyone can see what you’re wearing underneath. You don’t have underwear lines, and everyone can see what you’re not wearing underneath. It’s not cute. It’s not stylish. It’s not flattering ... on anyone. So please, for your sake and everyone else’s, trade them in for an actual pair of pants.

MIDDLE & END
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.

You scare me. I know it’s hard to grow up, but you spend so much time freaking out about guys, hair, make-up — you backstab your friends, stress about your work, panic over diets ... the list goes on, and it shouldn’t. I can’t say what I wish I could: that I’m sorry, but life only gets HARDER. So why make it hard now? Forget trying to flirt or make out with Prince Probably NotSo Charming. You’re too young for that. Diets? Are you kidding me? Trying to steal your best friend’s boyfriend? Your lives are not Gossip Girl (which you’re too young to watch, by the way) and no one’s should be. Just be kids, OK? Be nice to each other and don’t knock each other’s appearance. Everyone’s insecure. Get off your computers and play outside. There will come a time when you can’t anymore. Take the chance while you still have it. Oh and by the way, the Jonas Brothers are not God and are not replaceable in the expression ‘OMG.’ Edward Cullen is not a dream guy, and I’m sorry, but you aren’t getting with Zac Efron or that homeroom cutie who only “stares” at you anytime soon. And girlies? Pick up some grammar too while you’re at it.

To tween girls everywhere:

“ Yo u

really didn’t hurt me. The future is always unwritten. By the end

of it all, ends will justify means.”

“I’m sick of hearing about wh a great a at nd aweso me girl I a That me m. an if I’m no s nothing to me t with y ou. I don need ano ’t ther friend . I have ple ty. Just be nhonest wit hm me you a ren’t intere e and tell sted. I’m n a five yea ot r old; I ca n handle truth. Stop the tell less you w ing me I’m great unant to be with me.”

50
“You make
absolutely no sense and you never will, but I love that you can make me sad but you can also make me the happiest person on the planet. I don’t know what to make of it, but when the moment comes, I’ll take advantage of it. When things go bad, I’ll be there, don’t worry about one thing because everything will be good, and you can do anything because you are amazing, and I love you. I wish I could see you more, but for what it’s worth, I will take advantage of every time I’m around you. I will make every moment count and help you through everything in hopes that you will someday feel the same toward me.”

“I can’t hate you. Don’t get me wrong, I want to hate you. Frankly, I want you to burn in hell, but I know that if you did or if anything bad happened to you, I would feel guilty that it happened. Why did I even apologize to YOU? You should be begging for my forgiveness. YOU were the one who used me. YOU were the one who played games and got me to do things that I knew I shouldn’t. YOU were the one who assaulted me. YOU were the one who ignored me saying ‘no.’ So why did I apologize?
Yes, you did help me out. You were a friend but only part-time. You knew what you did was wrong, and you took advantage of my low self-esteem. I take back my apology. I take back our friendship. I am at the best part of my life, and I can’t get past what you did. I tug my clothes shut when I walk by where you did it. I don’t trust anyone with your name. I want you to know how I will never get past what happened. I wish you could know what it’s like. I wish you would trust someone and have them tear you apart, take your dignity away. I don’t hate you, but I sure as hell wish I could.”

“I told you that I liked you on the last day of school. You gave me the biggest hug and told me that you wished you could say that you like me but couldn’t. But you said that at one point you did like me. Over the summer, I found out that you liked my best friend, who is also your best friend. She didn’t return your feelings, unfortunately. When school began, for some reason we were awkward. Now we’re getting a bit better. You say you don’t like your best friend anymore, but I just don’t know if I want to believe that. You get over girls easily, but I’m not sure if you’re over her — THIS one. I still wish that we had a chance.”

d. red — so scare sca “You made me e now.” can’t trust anyon And I
“All of you heap your work onto me because you aren’t willing to sacrifice your own time to do what needs to be done. I run around all class while you flirt and giggle with each other. I’m not your packhorse. I’m not your slave, and every time you say, ‘Oh wait, turns out we don’t need that,’ I just want to punch your sneering
faces in because you assume your work is more important than mine. But I just smile and

brush it off. According to you, it’s not like being a photographer matters much anyways.”

MIDDLE & END
of d “Thank you. I know I’ve told you teacher. I love fter that, we did ut a that before, but I don’t think you’ll ever know you your class, b hile homework w how much you changed my life and helped rn nothing but u did not retu Lost. Yo me to come out of my shell. You’ve helped you, talked about into at we turned me to be able to be me, to tell people my my one project th iting to get opinion, say what I mean, and not be still wa and I am magazine] — scared of what they might think. You may [the literary copy of one I edited.” think that you only taught me the curriculum but you know, the really, you taught me confidence. Thank you.”

not a good “You are the first quarter

THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.

I can’t even describe how much you mean to me. I can talk with you on the phone for hours and never have to worry about awkward silences or small talk. We can spend hours yelling at each other then be back to our normal selves in an instance. But we only argue because we care about ... and want what’s best for each other. Our equal amounts of stubbornness makes it difficult to agree sometimes. We fight because we love each other. Is it selfish to stay friends with you? I don’t know what will happen to me if you leave or if I push you away, but I just want what’s best for you. You tell me not to push you away, and you tell me that you want whatever is best for me. You say you care about me more than anything else in the ... world. I feel like I’m holding you back from being happy. I don’t know what to do anymore; all I know is that I need you. You saved my life. Now it’s my turn to save you from me. I cannot let you stay with me any longer. I want you to be happy; I want you to be healthy; and I want you to move on. Move on from me. It will hurt me; it may even kill me. But for you, it’s worth it. You worry about me all the time. You lose sleep a lot because you are too busy worrying about me.”
weren’t there for me when I needed it. You didn’t care about my problems, and you didn’t help me. Thank goodness college will cut this friendship short.”

“You are my best friend; I love you.

“We may have fun together, but we aren’t close friends no matter what you think. You

decisions I’ve made Everything was perfec cried over you, how many many times since then I’ve d if only you could just knew how if only you knew. An life because of you — in my ones that matter; that you your fears aren’t the only get w up a little bit and realize gro k wall of yours. I’ve tried to hiding away behind that thic be saying, ‘So I’m shouldn’t base your life on I should won’t let me. And now n...” in so many times, but you t I still don’t think I ca this,’ bu done; I don’t deserve

ay we ended up. “It really tsucks the wand we threw it all away. If you only until one little mistake,

52 “Six years ago

(has it been that long?) when you let me go, did you know how much you meant to me? For five years I had to live without the two of you, and although I was young and didn’t know why you removed yourselves from my life, I still felt the pain. I still do now. Yes, we’re on speaking terms again now, like people bound by blood and unconditional love should be. But will you ever ask me for forgiveness for punishing me for something that I took no part in? For something I was too young to understand? And if you ever do, what will I say? I’ll probably say, ‘Yes because I still love you.’ And because of this I’ve been told by some that I have a heart of gold. But here’s something for you: remember that gold is heavier than iron, and sometimes that weight inside my chest is more oppressive than an anvil.”
“I’m sorry for how up. I things ended e me, and I know you blam y that you’re guess I can’t sa re not the only wrong. But you’ ‘sister.’ I one who lost a did too.”

“He has the most beau tiful smile in the world.”
To all those who are blinded: Do you
not get it? That you’re living in the real world? All of you seem to be locked up in your own fantasies, blinded. I still don’t understand how can you care so much about so many things that really don’t matter. And then how dare you act like those who are not blinded are worthless? It’s not right to flirt with just anyone; you’re toying with serious emotions. Do you not see that? It isn’t just a game! It’s not right to look at me from toe to head, examining what I’m wearing before really looking into my eyes. Do you not know what friendship is? It’s
not right to just go around drinking and hooking up.

How can you not see that? And then when one who really does know what’s up comes around, you secretly smirk at them in class; you roll your eyes; you tease in the harshest way; you laugh at your jokes. I could care less about the blinded, but when
I see that you place yourself above everyone else, I want to kick, scream, yell as loud as I can for the world to hear.”

MIDDLE & END
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.
how much you meant to me, and on I could dream were a role model and the sweetest pers t a big brother, of. People always say how much they wan ly enough, I took and I was lucky enough to have one. Sad granted. Eleven the time we got to spend together for ugh time, and years of my life just wasn’t eno the awesome perI hardly got to know you for that just isn’t long son you were. You were only 21 and , happy life, but enough. You deserved to have a long I never really you lived the life you had to the fullest. e I thought said how much I love you becaus ether. I wish I we would have more time tog e to let you could see you just one more tim to me. You are know that you meant the world , but you are in my big brother, and I will never forget you every day.” heaven, and I know you watch over me

enough “I never told you you are gone. You now

“There is a lot more to Catholicism than facts, you butthead! And don’t sit there and pretend you’re smarter than I am, because I know more about faith than you ever will!!!”

“We used to be so close; we could sit and talk for hours about

anything and everything. You have no idea how hard it was to sit across from you and give you advice as you started dating my best friend or as you broke up with her; when you and I gave a relationship a chance; when I started talking to you again after you broke my heart and lost my trust; as you told me you were marrying my best friend when I found out she was going to be the mother of your daughter. And now that you have her and your little one I don’t matter anymore because I can’t relate to what you’re going through. I’ve talked to your wife more than I’ve talked to you in the last little while.”

“I loved you. You were my best friend and then all of a sudden you ’re gone. I didn’t understand what I did wro ng, but apparently I just wasn’t good enough . I know I have someone now, and I should be happy, but I still wonder every single day why we couldn’t stay together when you ‘loved me so mu ch.’ Even when you ended it, you promised me we could be best friends ... forever. But I gue ss people are right: When you end it, there’s no going back. Now, you don’t even talk to me, but I still try to say ‘hi’ from time to time in hop es that you will just remember what we had.”

“No matter how nice I act
or how it doesn’t seem to bother to me, I still have a disgust deep inside of me for you. I don’t hate you; I can’t hate you. I was in love with you, but you never noticed until after you left. You tell me you regret what you did, but I ask myself if you really mean it or are you just trying to sway me again? Whenever I see you, I cannot help but shake uncontrollably.”

“I’m not a little kid anymore. I have big dreams that I’m too scared to tell you because just
you don’t listen to me. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not perfect, and I really don’t want to be. That dream prodigy child that you want? It’s not me, but I guess you never listen.”

54
“I can’t stand ignorance. I’ve been
called terrorist, sand nigger, and towel head. One: those aren’t even the right stereotypes, idiot; I AM WEST INDIAN. Two: I was born here too (Queens, New York, baby!) so don’t give me that shit. I was affected just like you were, probably even more so because I lived in New York when it happened, and I was getting the glares of being a ‘terrorist’ as well. You little bastards who did this shit to me and anyone else who looks like me CAN KISS MY ASS. ‘KAY, THANKS.”

eought som ent and b . that you w you not to and I told underst ppreciate that even if ght to act like I “I ri e. I a e you the ind thing for m oes not giv ou are being k owever, d y This, h now. If g in re something somethin n more owe you f getting d? Eve hopes o being kin let it go.” in the it really it — n is out turn the are being an ass ab when you

“Why did you leave me? How
could you, of all people, do this to me? I trusted you and loved you more than anyone. You were always there and made me realize that there is a point to life. I can’t believe you actually left my life so suddenly and put me through that pain. You were the one who always told me I deserved better, and then you do this? Fuck you. I don’t need you in my life; I just wish you were still here.”

ber the last time I saw a hint of blue sky or SUNSHINE! I’m forgetting what it looks like! Please, just give us a day ... a little bit of sparkle — people are starting to forget what it feels like to be dry. Imagine turning up at lectures not looking like a drowned rat — oh, I’m sure it would be magical. My feet no longer appreciate being cold, and my hair no longer appreciates being frizzy. Give us back some sunshine, go on! I dare you!”
hing you do. Nothing you and you won’t listen to wh do makes sense, at people want. Now han g on a second: ‘Shouldn you do what makes ’t YOURSELF happy an d not care what oth think?’ Yeah, in a high ers school. Sorry, buddy, you’ve gotten yourself in the positio where it’s NOT about wh n at YOU want. And yet you won’t LISTEN to what people want. Your decisio the ns don’t make sense, and you can’t handle criticism. Here’s my criticism: I don’t care if you think it’s ridiculous; I don ’t care if ANYONE thinks ridiculous. The LAST thi it’s ng I’m worried abou t is offending people. ”
“I hate the person you’ve become. You used to be
the person who’d sit with me in the back of the classroom and sing songs under your breath. I don’t recognize the guy in front of me … the one who jokes about people’s appearances and talks behind everyone’s back. I can’t even be myself in front of you anymore because how do I know you won’t insult me once I turn around? But for what it’s worth, I enjoyed the friendship we had. It’s just too bad you had to go and change for the worse.”

“BRITISH WEATHER!!! What are you doing? I can’t remem-

“I’m sick of everyt

MIDDLE & END
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.

“I cannot believe you. I cannot believe that we were so far away yet so close and now so close but far away. Now, finally you see what I have been putting into our relationship, but you have dragged me in the dirt for too long. We were closer than anyone. I told you everything. We had the best times. But now it’s all over. You have hurt me, and I’m bitter. I find it hard to believe that you couldn’t and still can’t see the damage you have done to our relationship. I heard the names you called me when you thought I wasn’t listening. I guess you thought it was cool that I took your blows without comment. Now you want things to go back to how they were. But — I’m sorry — it will never be the same, and you really only have yourself to blame.”

“I don’t want to be

known as the one who does all the dumb things and says all the silly things. You care about me, but why is it necessary to have a laugh at my expense constantly? It’s wearing on my nerves, and I’d appreciate it if you could just shut up about my inabilities for one day. I appreciate your friendship, and I’d never say anything to harm you, so please, tone it down.”

mean I sho a girl does uld not be not allowed to And just like sex. because I do like to sex, I’m N have OT a who re. All I’m is having fu doing n. How do es what I d daily life aff o in my ect you in a ny way, sha form? It do pe esn’t, so sto p talking ab , or and my life out me that you kno w nothing a bout.”

“Why am I not allowed t o like sex Seriously. Ju ? st because I’m

“I’ve never met you in real life, and I don’t know if I’ll ever
be able to. I met you a year ago, and you don’t know how depressed you have made me with all the problems you gave me. This summer, we started getting closer and closer, and you admitted to me that you considered me your best friend. I really wanna say that I like you because you seem to feel the same. I know both of us will never admit it. I’m scared that the time will come when we’ll both just give up, or if I tell you that I like you, you’ll tell me that you LIKED me.”

MIDDLE & END
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.

ing m not judg “I’ lly.” you. Rea

“There are certain people in my life that I couldn’t do without. Sometimes I say things I don’t mean and for that I am truly sorry. I would like to think that usually you all don’t take me seriously. I have tried to cut back and become down-to-earth, but I am who I am and wonder if I will ever change. The truth is my life would be much worse off without you.”

“If not for you,

I wouldn’t be where I am today. If not for my mistakes, I never would have learned. I want to forget you, but I’d be worse off without you. I wish things were different now, but my wishes don’t change a thing. Go away now because I don’t know what to feel. These are the words I’ll never tell you.

Maybe it’s better that way.”
ever realized how much I cared ab out what happened to our friendships. Yes, I overreac ted to some things yo u did, but I was too stubborn to let it go and just be friends again. You weren’t the best friends I’ve ever had, but I miss you an d I’m truly sorr y for what has happened ev en though I can’ t go back and fix it. It still hu rts when I hear you guys calling each other your ‘bffs ’ and knowing that I used to be included in that, but I’ve moved on and so have you.”
“You really need to learn how to
treat people. You’re not making any friends. I’m pretty sure you are losing more and more respect each day. I understand that you want to keep things running smoothly, but the way you go about doing so is completely unnecessary. Sometimes stress runs high, and we need to have time to let loose and relax, but you usually don’t let us. It’s time for you to lighten up and learn how to communicate.”

“I don’t think y ou

u think it’s alright “What makes yo use you don’t want

beca to ruin my weekend dn’t you tell me ell in a class; why di to do w ished this part of k ago you hadn’t fin a wee e tomorrow, and I port? Now this is du the re le day finishing. You ve to spend the who ha d ress over it, an ld me not to st to you sing the stress now you’re cau ld t rid of. I haven’t to were trying to ge to because I want him my boy it’s not done n supposed to have fu have fun today. I was t with the guys; girls while he was ou with the ance from me.” you took that ch

CLOSING NOTES “T

DAYS 15+

he following are notes on project origin, rant collection, project growth and design. Acknowledgements to those involved and information on the Words I Never Said blog and future plans are also included.”

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PROJECT NOTES GROWTH AND PROCESS

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HE WORDS I NEVER SAID (WINS) started as an idea. I was asked to create a final, creative project for a college honors seminar on confession. The project could be anything as long as it tied in course themes. The course delved into confessions from a psychological, criminal, political, and religious perspective. We had read the works of Augustine, studied Gov. Sanford’s confession, watched police interrogations, read about the Council of Trent — the list goes on. I was most taken back, however, by PostSecret and the videos of Sadie Benning. While the confessions posted and recorded were more individual, I found personal confessions to be the most artistic. This idea later expanded, however, when talking to friends about my own experiences with people. Too often do manners stop me — people, really — from saying what we want to say to others. Too often does fear restrain us from telling those closest to us that we love them or hate them, miss them or can’t stand them. These feelings build up and when released — maybe through a video, a postcard or even to friends — they have a very small chance of reaching the person they’re based on. I wanted to change that. The premise of WINS was to provide a forum for people to voice what they held back. It wasn’t so much about letting the object of their rant see what they said; it was the psychological idea that the words were public and that person could see them. Because the rants were anonymous and ambiguous, the words could apply to anyone. People could learn from others’ mistakes. People could start to pay attention to friends they took for granted. These rants could give people courage to act and reassurance that they were not the only ones who felt that way.

I made a Facebook group and invited all my friends, expecting a small turnout for this project. I would be happy with just 10-20 rants, I told myself. A couple of my friends caught on and invited all their friends. The movement grew from there. I didn’t end up with 20 rants. I ended up with over 65 pages of rants. My rants weren’t just from my high school friends. They were from people all over the country and world. Rants continued to pour in, and during the final day of rant collection, the Rant-A-Thon, I received over 20 pages of rants alone. At this point, WINS was no longer a college project. It had grown into something much more. I had a deliberate process when collecting rants. To prevent my own bias, I did not read them when they were posted on Facebook (through message or on the group wall) or e-mail. I simply copied and pasted them into a Pages document. I read the rants all together and did some light editing for punctuation. I did not know the identities of the people who wrote the rants. I wanted the words to speak for them and to be like any reader. I copied and transferred rants onto Adobe InDesign pages. The process took over 20 hours altogether. From there, I sent out the spreads to three trusted friends to edit any puncutation errors I might have missed. The last step will be sending the final PDF. I asked anyone who was interested to provide his or her e-mail address. I will be sending this book to over 100 people, and it will also be posted for my class to see. I hope to continue running WINS through the blog. Depending on the reaction I receive, I may make additional book editions for the different seasons. This project has been eyeopening to me and because of the words I’ve read, I’ve found the courage to be more open about my own feelings to the people in my own life. My only hope is that it will give others the same drive. I am grateful and thankful for everyone who sent in rants. I hope this process has given you closure like it has given me. Thank you and congratulations to all of you. Together, your rants have created a 60-page book, blog, and movement.” -ALYSSA BAILEY

CLOSING NOTES
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 15+

“WINS” NOW

BLOG & THANKS
HE WORDS I NEVER SAID blog launched December 13. It includes all rants received after the Nov. 29 end date for the book. It can be viewed at www.projectwordsineversaid.blogspot. com. All rants can be e-mailed to wordsineversaid@ gmail.com. Thank you for all your support. A special thank you to the project editors Miliana Budimirovic, Ben Chalfin, and Pratik Das. Your support helped spread the word and complete this book.”

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