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EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

SELF-ASSESSMENT EXERCISE
Rate how comfortable you to communicate with your spouse at each level of communication. Use
the following scale:
1= Poor; 2=Good; 3=Acceptable; 4=Very Good; 5=Excellent
Rating
Level of Communication
1 2 3 4 5
Cliché - Non-sharing, weather, superficial greetings
Fact-Sharing knowledge, facts about children, the bills, etc
Opinion– Sharing what you think about right and wrong, good and bad. (Level that results in conflict)
Emotion – Deeper sharing feelings, how one feels about situations
Transparency-Trusting and taking risk of sharing who you are
What in your marriage convinces you that you are free or not free to share your feelings?
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How do you feel and what do you do when your spouse stops talking to you without explaining?
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What makes you believe that your spouse accepts or does not accept your feelings?
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What makes it difficult for you to accept your spouse’s opinion?
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How do you feel when your spouse or someone else does not accept your opinion?
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Finish up the following statements drawing from your experiences in your marriage relationship
first, but feel free to draw from your life experiences including before and outside your marriage:
Negative

Positive
I feel …………..

Guilty when
Angry when
Afraid when
Bored when
Ashamed when
Disappointed when
Frustrated when
Depresses when

Delighted when
Happy when
Loved when
Respected when
Honoured when
Passionate when
Safe when
Appreciated when

I wanting clarification therefore I shall ask questions and paraphrase to get at the meaning. Talking (Verbal Expression): Seeking to Be Understood People bring into marriage varying patterns of how they express themselves. Level of Communication Cliché . The place at which much conflict starts. 2. 5. One can either be closed or open in theirpPattern of self-espression. (Level that results in conflict) Emotion – Deeper sharing feelings. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Time: b. experiences and emotions. 4. The closed person will only stick to facts. weather. give preference to one another in honor. the bills. facts about children. 2. superficial greetings Fact-Sharing knowledge. Genuine Communication requires that a couple seeks to understand and be understood.give focused attention. etc Opinion– Sharing what you think about right and wrong.Non-sharing. Pseudo-listening fakes interest. Most people sadly do not go beyond the Opinion level. Romans 12:10 1. “Good understanding produces favour.EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE Communication is the skill of sharing beliefs. . Trust: c. I accept my spouse and am willing to understand. When people are committed to understanding each other they will need to be committed to place premium value on: a. My spouse is not my enemy. Selective listening tunes in only for points of interest 3. My spouse is top priority . Protective listening doesn’t hear any threatening messages. A poor listener will manifest habits that suppress communication and create misunderstanding. Understanding increases with levels of communication. how one feels about situations Transparency-Trusting and taking risk of sharing who you are Communication which promotes understanding has two important components – Listening and Talking. but the way of the treacheorus is hard” Proverbs 13:15 1. 3. values. I am willing to hear what God may be saying through your partner. good and bad. Transparency: Genesis 2:25 Typically there are five levels of communication we go through in each communication encounter. A good listener will manifest an attitude that encourages communication.

2. 4. How do you feel when you are experiencing communication problem with your partner? 3.Misunderstanding can develop when two people are at opposite ends of the continuum. A false concept of manhood and pride prevents men from sharing their needs and feelings. 4. It follows by entrusting yourself to your spouse. c. Needs COMMUNICATING TO BE UNDERSTOOD AND TO UNDERSTAND This application project has two sections: the individual section and the interaction section. b. a. 3. Individual Section Setting: Objective: Instructions: 30 Minutes Sit with your partner while you complete Section 1 individually. Expressing ourselves involves the risk of being emotionally intimate. c. If you have any deeper thoughts and feelings you have not yet shared with your spouse. Be sure to leave adequate time to interact as a couple on the interaction section. A variety of barriers keeps some people from being understood. Emotional intimacy involves the disclosure of Thoughts. because He understands. To identify problem areas in communicating with each other. b. Childhood programming has established a pattern of suppression and repression in emotions. 1. A false concept of spirituality makes us hesitant to be open and honest about ourselves. In what ways do you believe as a couple you are open and communicate deep enough? a. Complete both parts as instructed. Feelings. A couple must allow freedom for differences in styles of expressiveness. for his/her understanding. take time to pray and prepare your heat to open up. A poor self-image can cause one to fear rejection. 2. Section I: 1. . Emotional intimacy begins by entrusting yourself to God. Identify 3 problem areas in communicating with each other.

never. Discuss the questions above together. friends etc. unwell or preoccupied. No distractions – children. o Active Listening – warmth. Write down at least one action point you have agreed to work on as a couple. o No quick advice o No jumping into conclusions o No judgments (of character) o No judgment of motive o Be ready to forgive o Deal with specifics rather than general historical issues o Agree to disagree o Learn not to say “Yes BUT” . not to hurt or humiliate our partner.Interaction Section 30 Minutes (VERY IMPORTANT) – We want to speak the truth in love. TOOLKIT GUIDELINES FOR EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION GROUND RULES: o Right timing – not when tired. front door. empathy o Share on deep feeling level o No interruptions except to clarify o Give each other equal time to share o No stomping out in anger o No withdrawing in silence o Use “I” not “you” statements o No generalizations – always. Pray together that the Lord will give you a loving sensitive spirit before you complete this section. telephone. respect.

and needs openly and without fear is a life-long process of increasing discovery. “How” and “When” to say what. Listen sincerely and attentively 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Listen sincerely and attentively Talk through problems………… 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Talk through problems……… Discuss situations logically……. Provide encouragement…… 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Provide encouragement…… Address conflict appropriately… 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Address conflict appropriately Avoid addressing conflict……… 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Avoid addressing conflict…… Honestly express emotions…… Talk too much………… 1 1 2 2 3 4 3 4 5 6 5 6 7 7 8 8 9 10 9 10 Honestly express emotions… Talk too much Spiritual Expression……. feelings. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Spiritual Expression Exchange the areas of improvement you individually identified and commit to support each other as you work at deepening your level of communication. Emotional intimacy involves the disclosure of Thoughts.Take time to individually evaluate your personal level of communication and identify areas you need to work at to improve communication with your spouse. commitment and adjusting to the other. Think carefully about: What you want to say Assumptions Beliefs How you want to say Emotions Excitement Desires Sadness Dreams Conviction Disappointment Needs Expectations Joys Encouragement Sorrows Emotions When you want to say Right time for the right word Appropriate Environment. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Discuss situations logically… Share intimately……………… 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Share intimately……………… Share goals and dreams………… Give nonsexual touches………. Expressing thoughts. Feelings and Needs The three key steps each needs to take to express oneself to build intimacy will be to consder “What”. Use a cross (X) to mark your current rating and a tick () to mark your aspried for level of communication Current Status (Indicate with X) Never Sometimes Often Hoped For (Indicate with ) Verbally express love… 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Verbally express love…………. 1 1 2 2 3 4 3 4 5 6 5 6 7 7 8 8 9 10 9 10 Share goals and dreams……… Give nonsexual touches……. setting Emotions Listening to understand. .