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IRRATIONAL
GEOGRAPHIC
IGM.COM

OCTOBER 2015

SPECIAL CAMPUS EDITION

the
first
human
PHOTO: JAKE SCOTT

Wednesday, Oct. 21, 2015

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2015-10-19 3:19 PM

The Origin of Humans

PHOTO: JAKE SCOTT ILLUSTRATION: FARNIA FEKRI

A talk with Mark Frost and Diana Wisemen on the spark of humankind
BY ROBERT MACKENZIE
Deep within the cavernous mountains of Angola, bones
were discovered. These bones have been hidden, buried
beneath the sand for millions of years. These bones aren’t
quite human; their features differ slightly from the modern
being. But these bones will change our understanding of
human life from this day forward.
On their Angolan expedition, archaeologists Mark Frost
and Diana Wiseman uncovered the remains of an ancient
species. This species was unknown to the world’s foremost scientists, but as they continued to unearth its fossils
they discovered that these old remains were similar to the
makeup of the modern homo sapiens.
“Its fingers were curved and its mouth had 32 teeth,”
Frost said. “We could tell right away that we had discovered a human ancestor.”

“The species was so much like the homo sapiens, we
thought that someone might have played a prank on us
and just buried some random lady,” Wiseman said.
But when results of the bones’ age test came through, it
became apparent the homo midge was far from human.
According to biologists, the bones were more than seven
million years old. This means that these are the first traces
of the human race ever discovered. Up until now, no one
knew exactly how humans came to be.
But thanks to these findings, it can be said with certainty
that the genesis of humankind came from the homo midge.
Though the evolution from the homo midge to the homo
sapiens has taken place over a period of more than 7 million years, it would appear that not a lot has changed between the two species over that time.
Scientists have inferred that, much like us, the midge
relied on its brain and tools to survive in the wild, as op-

ten on them such as “Rest in Peace,” and “Gone, but never
forgotten.”
The midge does however have a few differences from
today’s human being. For instance, some of the text on the
scrolls used fairly dated language. According to Wiseman,
an ancient scroll described a friend’s haircut as “so gay.”
As we continue to march forward in our quest to uncover all of the world’s secrets, it is important to look back
on the day that we discovered the midge as a turning point
in evolutionary science. No longer will we wonder where
we came from and whom we evolved from. From now on
we can definitively say that there will always be a little bit
of midge in all of us.

“Its fingers were curved, and its mouth had 32 teeth. We could
tell right away that we had discovered a human ancestor.”
-Mark Frost, archaeologist

As they continued to uncover bones of the species, the
homo midge as they called it, they began to wonder just how
old the fossils were, and how close of a relative the midge is.
The backbones showed that the midge had an erect
posture and walked on two feet. The interior of the skull
showed that the midge had a large brain compared to
other animals. The symbols around the midge’s burial
site showed that the species used forms of communication
much like human language.
In fact, as Frost and Wiseman continued to make discoveries, they began to think that maybe they had accidentally
just stumbled upon an old human burial site.

posed to the brute force of other creatures.
As can be seen in our digitally reconstructed portraits,
the features of the midge are almost identical to the features of today’s human. Its eye sockets are square and located below the brow ridge, its forehead is tall and it has
a reasonably small face with a projecting nose bone. The
height of the midge is an estimated five-foot-five.
Its burial site also gives clues into the way of life for
the midge more than seven million years ago. The artifacts
that were found alongside the Neanderthal show that there
was some sort of ritual involved with its burial. There were
also ancient scrolls found by the site that had phrases writ-

The midge, uncovered.

PHOTO COURTESY: CREATIVE COMMONS

HUMANS

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I’d like to offer you my congratulations. If there’s ing the best person in all of Switzerland. And lots of
one thing I can guarantee about everybody reading cool people live in Switzerland! I don’t even have to
this, it’s that you’re all human. And I believe that is a tell you about all of the coolest Swiss people because
you’re human and more than capable of looking
cause for celebration!
You could have been anything: a dragonfly, a crow, random information like that up on that awesome
a cauliflower or an area rug, but for some unexplain- Internet thing only humans understand.
Some people think that an alien race will one day
able reason you turned out to be human.
And at this point in our time on Earth I think it’s come to Earth and take our place as ruler. But that
safe to say that we’ve done it. We’ve won. Humans is just some classic human self-deprecation. If there
are the world’s greatest species. We out smart every- really are life forms on other distant planets, why
are we so sure that they’d be able to
body else. We rule Earth!
People always say it’s a dog-eat- You could have been any- take us over?
dog world, but really it’s a humans- thing; a dragonfly, a crow, a Humans are so impressive, that
eat-everything-else world. We eat cauliflower or an area rug, the only species capable of destroypigs, goats, shrimp, potatoes, cauli- but for some unexplainable ing us is other humans, and so far
we’ve been smart enough not to do
flower, insects. This summer I even
reason you turned out to be
that!
saw a seven-year-old eat a piece of
a human.
Humans aren’t perfect — we
a pool noodle.
make mistakes like every other speMy point is that humans run this
joint and I think it’s time we start giving ourselves cies out there. But at the end of the day, we need
more credit. When was the last time you congratu- to acknowledge our dominance atop the chain of belated yourself after singing along to your favourite ing.
And if any species wants to question our reign,
song? That may not seem worthy of praise, but it is
surely something that literally no other species on we’ll chop them up and put them in an Asian fusion
fried rice dish. Yummy!
our planet can do.
So get back out on that stage humans. EveryScientists estimate that there are more than eight
million different species on Earth. Going off of those one is clapping for you. They want an encore,
numbers, being the best species is equivalent to be- and you’re the only ones capable of giving it to them.

Produced by the Irrational
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Ontario, Canada
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Managing Editor
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Contributors
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Emma “Voted for Kevin Clarke”
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Jacob “Socks” Dubé

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Irrational Geographic is a completely legitimate publication,
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Humans
Al “Should’ve ran for fun”

Design Director
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You will definitely not find our
offices in SCC 207.

4

IRRATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC • OCTOBER 2015

These kids became
homeless by choice
Two kids could have lived comfortably but still ate out of a dumpster. Wow.

By Anika Syeda

A rising trend of ditching rigid constraints of school
and corporate lifestyle to take to the road has been
noted among Canadian students and young adults.
Dennis Tramlaw is a 26-year-old heir to Tramlaw
Industries Inc., a multinational corporation based in
Toronto, Ont., with subsidiaries involved in manufacturing, trading, and investments.
This August, the University of British Columbia
philosophy major took to the streets in what he describes as a demonstration against material wealth
and a journey to enlightenment with only a suitcase
of clothes, his wallet, ID, medication, an iPhone, a
laptop and his digital camera.
Tramlaw and his partner, Cash Harvey, began
their nomadic journey in mid-August,
leaving their home
in Victoria and traveling to Kamloops. Over the
course of a week, the couple immersed themselves in
the Kamloops culture of nightlife.
“I never believed that I would get to see the world
how I’ve seen it so far, through a sort of nomad lifestyle, like bushmen or hobos and stuff,” said Harvey.
Shortly after leaving, Harvey took a plane back to
Victoria. According to the Harvey family, her allergies did not permit her to continue travelling with
Tramlaw. Immediately following her leave, Tramlaw
booked a flight from Manitoba to Ontario where he
has been for all of September and October.

Tramlaw describes Toronto as “the most awakening city in all of Canada” in regards to his experience
living homelessly.
“When I lived materialistically, I never considered
how easy and psychologically healthy it would be to
be homeless,” said Tramlaw. “I’ve restricted myself
to the basic four meals of the day, nothing fancy, and
I’m finding myself everyday through meditation and
meeting new people.”
Travelling across the city solely via TTC or taxi,
Tramlaw claims to not have used a credit card even
once to pay for travelling fees and accommodation.
Instead, he sticks to paying for everything strictly in
cash withdrawn from the joint account shared with
his father upon arriving in the city.
“I’m spending barely over a hundred dollars a
week on everything
combined,” he said.
He went on to describe the commodities he cannot afford mimicking homelessness, including chefs, housekeeping, a
private bedroom, “or even a microwave.” Tramlaw
believes this does not hinder him whatsoever.
“My soul is nourished. I am at peace, you know?”
The young guru advises that people follow in his
ILLUSTRATION : AL DOWNHAM, PHOTO: FARNIA FEKRI AND CREATIVE COMMONS
steps, open their hearts to the liberation in homeless- Dennis says he isn’t classist. He’s friends with lots of homeless people.
ness, and say “Namaste” to their enlightened selves.
“It worked out for me and I’m just a kid.”
Tramlaw is in the process of concluding his adventure to make it back to Kamloops in time for his
family skiing vacation at their private lodge.

“I am at peace now, you know?”

Bronze Age perv’s porn stash found
By Jacob Dubé

Local museum-goer Michelle Wazowski didn’t expect to make an archaeological discovery when she
entered New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art.
While she was attending Aloe Lastwaller: Stay Out of My Hut, an
exhibit showcasing the 2,000
year-old artist’s collection of
priceless pieces of clay art,
Wazowski picked up one
of the vases.
“The clay vase looked
tasty, kind of like a microwaved tortilla,” Wazowski said. “I picked
it up to see if it had an
expiration date.”
As she was checking if
the heated dirt pot was safe
for consumption, she received a
notification on her phone informing her that her daily quiche blog reached
10,000 followers. When she reached for her cell, the
vase dropped. Several sculptures and paintings were
uncovered inside.
“At first we thought they were symbols of fertility, a lot of ancient civilizations used art to honour
mating and reproduction,” said archaeologist David
Tennance. “But this is just some filthy stuff. This is
some old-ass porn.”

Items found included a crumpled poster of
Cleopatra, a spread-eagle ceramic statue of Caesar
and what is now considered the first sock in history.
Art historians are revelling at the discovery, saying
that these objects completely change the perspective
on Lastwaller’s art collection.
“The meanings of a lot of his paintings
and sculptures were hotly debated for
years,” said historian Mortimer Herring. “Now, his paintings of a man
crouched behind a rock looking
ashamed make sense. It’s like
the original private browser.”
His most famous arts pieces, such as “Go Away Mom”
and “They’re For a Biology
Class I Swear,” have doubled
in value since the discovery.
“Lastwaller is the world’s oldest historically documented pervert,” Herring said.
As for Wazowski, she loves the newfound attention her discovery has brought.
“It’s so exciting, I just won the Nobel Prize for
breaking some stuff and finding some boobs,” Wazowski said. “I feel like Ross from Friends, just
without the constant self-pity.”
Historians are now destroying other famous pieces of art in hopes of finding similar discoveries.
“Leonardo da Vinci’s hiding something juicy under the Mona Lisa,” said Herring.

HUMANS

5

Photo Courtesy: Creative Commons, Illustration by Farnia Fekri

URANUS GETS THE BOOT
By Jacob Dubé

Teachers at Toronto’s Parmore Elementary School are incorporating a new, explosive
learning tactic into their classrooms.
The TDSB today announced funding towards a new antimatter curriculum for Parmore students in Grades 1-4.
Parmore principal Yasmin Selch believes that antimatter will be a helpful educational
tool for the school’s youngest minds.
“Understanding how antimatter works will help advance our students’ education,”
Selch said. “Getting them familiar with the substance at this age will certainly help them
in the future.”
Antimatter is identical to known matter but with an opposite charge. When it comes
into contact with ordinary matter, they explode into a burst of energy that is more powerful than any substance produced on earth.
Parmore Elementary has purchased eight, 27-kilometre long particle accelerators, and
will be opening a new particle accelerator lab to give their students first-hand knowledge
on how to produce antimatter.
The accelerators cost an estimated $20 million each, but Selch believes that is a small
price to pay for the experience that her students will gain. “Our students are being offered an education that would be unavailable to them at any other school,” she said.
By the end of the school year, the class is expected to have produced enough antimatter to completely wipe the country of Portugal from the face of the earth.
But some parents are concerned about the new education their kids will be getting.
Kyle Meifert has twin girls in Grade 2 and believes they should be learning addition
instead of antimatter. “I feel like it might just be too difficult of a concept for them to
grasp at this age,” Meifert said.
Selch, however, said that this new curriculum will lead Parmore’s students towards
brighter futures. “At the end of the day, if you can understand antimatter and string
theory, there probably isn’t much that you can’t understand,” she said.

6

IRRATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC • OCTOBER 2015

Astronomers have decided to rename the planet Uranus following years of public ridicule regarding the wordplay of its name.
“Uranus is named after the mighty Greek god of the sky, but do people care? No.
They turned it into the butt of an immature joke. Uranus was a super cool name and
they soiled it! Soiled it!” said Shawn Wetseller, head of the International Astronomical
Union (IAU) in charge of naming celestial bodies.
The planet will be temporarily named Planet 80085 until IAU astronomers can
decide on a new one. Wetseller says it’s because Uranus is 800,850,000 km away from
the Sun.
“I mean, that sounds about right, right?” Wetseller said. “To be honest I didn’t really
check, I just asked my son to ballpark a guess and I went with it. He’s really good with
numbers, him and his friends are always playing with calculators.”
The announcement has stirred mixed feelings with the public. Substitute teacher Ed
Heeble says the name change will make teaching whatever class he gets thrown into that
week easier.
“Every time I come into a class to teach these kids about astronomy, they laugh when
I talk about Uranus,” said Heeble. “What’s so funny about the seventh planet in our
solar system? Is it because it has rings?”
The IAU is still debating how they will rename the planet. Current options include a
shouting match, a paranormal séance and a toddler fighting ring. It will keep its temporary name of Planet 80085 until a decision is reached.
“We haven’t decided on an official name yet, but who knows? Maybe it’ll be named
after one of us,” said astronomer Dickey Weinerslav.

FOR KIDS WITH PARTICLE
ACCELERATORS, ANTIMATTER
MATTERS By Robert Mackenzie

PHOTO COURTESY: CREATIVE COMMONS, ILLUSTRATION BY AL DOWNHAM

Guys being dudes in zero gravity. And women too, fuck you

Updates from the International Space Station

Turns out the view from space is
pretty lame, says astronaut

By Jacob Dubé

To some, the view of Earth from space is one of the most majestic sights a human can
behold. But for astronaut Craig Sampson, currently stationed in the International Space
Station (ISS), it couldn’t be duller.
“The first time I saw Earth from the ISS, I was expecting some huge life-changing moment. But you look through the window and it’s just this big dumb rock that my exgirlfriend lives on,” Sampson said.

“I’m expecting Matt Damon to come floating
out of nowhere any day now.” - Craig Sampson
Instead of revelling at the view outside, Sampson prefers to concentrate on his work —
studying the long-term effects of dolphin calls in open space.
“They don’t last very long out there with no oxygen, but from my findings so far I’ve
concluded dolphins really don’t like outer space,” Sampson said. He plans to release his
research in a book entitled So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish later this year.
While out in his space suit, Sampson compares moving through the vastness of space to
swimming in a kiddie pool somebody probably peed in.
“I’m just not into it. I’m expecting Matt Damon to come floating out of nowhere any
day now,” said Sampson.
Fellow astronaut Milo Lantis says he doesn’t understand Sampson’s apathy, as he loves
the view of Earth from the ISS.
“It really puts things in perspective, you know? It made me think twice about giving
money to that homeless guy because it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.
We’re so small. It’s amazing, ” Lantis said.
“International Space Station?” Sampson said. “More like International Suck Station.”
“Fuck you, Craig,” Lantis said.

Despite having additional fresh options on the out-of-this-world menu, Astros inside
the station aren’t too stoked about this protein-filled meal.
“I mean, I’ll eat it I guess,” said astronaut Behdad Ali. “It’s either that or liquefied pork
chops.”
Ingredients in the meatloaf included beef, onion, egg, bread, milk, ketchup and mustard.
Astronaut Luna Seagreen said the crew could have used the array of ingredients wiser.
“The meatloaf was OK, but I was really craving a burger,” she said, sighing afterwards.
However, the crew’s leading member, Nick Jones, insisted that him and his colleagues
cook his mother’s allegedly “world famous recipe.”
“The loaf was a bit well done, but I swear it’s usually sick,” said Jones, choking on the
food. “My ma’s a sick cook and nobody’s going to tell me different.”
Due to the poor reception of the meatloaf, tension has grown between Jones and his
fellow crew members. They are currently living off of raw lettuce and vacuum-sealed
meals distributed by NASA. He hopes that Joan, Nick’s mother, won’t find out about the
awkward incident.
“I know you can quote whatever you want, but I hope she doesn’t read this article,”
Jones said. “I’d feel really bad.”

Space yuppies get angry over trash
obstructing view
By Skyler Ash

Glistening oceans, dazzling clouds and shimmering stars, now shrouded by metal. The once
glamorous views from the ISS are now ruined by the recent increase in satellite debris in the
Earth’s orbit.
“Our space vacuum isn’t working, and the repairman said he’d be here days ago,” said Peter
Stiles of the NASA janitorial staff. “We don’t really know what to do, so we’re just hoping it
sort of floats away and we don’t have to deal with it anymore.”
Meanwhile, residents are complaining about their state of living.
“My view is obscured by pieces of antennae,” said Mary Bream, who lives aboard the ISS.
“It’s just ridiculous!”
When asked why Bream, who’s been an astronaut with NASA for nearly 23 years, hadn’t
simply gone out to clean up the mess herself, she said she was busy watching an NCIS marathon and wasn’t going to be responsible for picking up her neighbours’ trash.
“I agree with Mary, it’s a bit unsettling,” said Rick Ford, human resources manager at
NASA. “All the flying metal really brings down the property value of the whole station.”
Ford said that they’ve had trouble getting astronauts to agree to move to the ISS in the past
By Al Downham
few years because of the current residents’ raucous behaviour.
“We’re having trouble filling empty rooms because of this recent issue,” said Ford.
All the astronauts have been placed under probation until the debris is cleaned. The atmoAfter growing and eating lettuce in-orbit, NASA astronauts are now baking your mom’s
sphere in the ISS is tense and shows no sign of improving.
shitty meatloaf on-board the ISS.

Your mom’s meatloaf still sucks in
zero gravity

SPACE

7

PHOTO: ANNIE ARNONE, ILLUSTRATION: FARNIA FEKRI

The watering hole filled with Billies, Bud Lights and obnoxiously happy people

The creatures at the Ram in the Rye
BY KEITH CAPSTICK
In the land down under the Student Campus Centre, the Ram in the Rye acts as the
nucleus of social activity for Ryerson students who, well, just don’t have anywhere else to
go. Ryerson’s watering hole serves as a gateway from the horrors of Kerr Hall’s sweatiness and Gould Street’s wacky homeless encounters. Its darkness and redundant school
spirit serves as a kind of not-so-spiritual escape to, well, alcoholism.
Its dim lighting and sub-par food help set the mood for apathetic young
people recharging their food metres over half-baked conversations about
that girl in the front of their economics class who never stops talking
and definitely wears white Converse lows. They come in and out,
using the Molson Canadian-filled watering hole to kill time before
that class that sucks, with the obnoxious teacher and something
about the way they dress that really irks them. And here they
are, or at least four types of them:
Soccer and Roshe Run
This flock can be best identified by their signature faux-hawks
(which stands for ‘fake mohawks,’ I think), and best resemble
someone who is trying to look like Christiano Ronaldo. Their
food of choice is wings, and their beer of choice is whatever goes
best with loud screaming and soccer games. Is it matches or games?
Definitely matches. They’re the crew that most often make you look
over your shoulder in resentment. Their cologne can be sniffed throughout
the room, bar and all external lounge areas, so tactics of avoidance are just unreasonable at best.
Dedicated Students Looking to Enhance their University Experience
The most unassuming and rare species at the watering hole. These are the few and far
between — the unsung heros of campus, the irregulars, the people who go to the bar and
focus on their homework while enjoying a students-first atmosphere. It’s like the Ryerson
Students’ Union’s wet dream. They just sit there and smile while improving their educational experience with a Billie (orange juice, beer and whiskey, ew) in one hand and a pen
in the other. They’re also just not doing that well in chemistry and they don’t understand
what they’re doing wrong.

8

IRRATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC • OCTOBER 2015

People Using it as a Social Circle
These types are most frequent at The Ram, popping in and out almost hourly saying
“hello again” obnoxiously to the staff like it’s not a little sad that the bartenders at the
campus pub know them on a first name basis. Sometimes they just drink, others are in
for the long haul and order food, and ending up sitting there for some inordinately large
amount of hours, like five. They once walked out on their tab only to pay it
the next morning, and they’re those people who always have the pool
table that make you feel like The Ram doesn’t actually have pool,
because the tables are always occupied. These are the real lifers,
the ones that keep the place running and the ones who’ll graduate
remembering the bar more than Kerr Hall East.
The First Timers
They walk in from the bright outdoors and get
smacked in the face by the blanketing dimness of
The Ram, to never return as first-timers again.
They stagger through the meandering nonsensical hallway-style rooms of the bar wondering, “Who the hell designed this place?”
Worst of all, they think it’s a normal restaurant where you can sit down and just
order anything you’d like and expect it
to be a little better than mediocre, but are
they ever wrong. These first-timers aren’t ready
for the strange looks they’ll get from the social circlers as they infringe on their territory, or the obnoxious screams of those
soccer fans. All is not lost though —
soon they’ll be one of them. Soon
they’ll be ordering pitchers at
11 a.m. like the rest of The
Ram in the Rye’s sad
sack brigade.

Rye athletes win by sacrificing time, sheep
BY EMMA COSGROVE
A bloody cultural phenomenon is blossoming on the Ryerson Campus in Toronto —
for the love of the game.
A group of students has been routinely sacrificing actual rams to the devil on the
roof of the Student Campus Centre (SCC) in an effort to push the Ryerson Rams sports
teams to victory. Every Saturday at midnight they take the life of one animal selected
from their rooftop “Ram Farm.”
“We normally draw a pentagram on the ground with an ‘R’ in it and light some
candles just to set the mood,” said Lucy Fieri, founder of the collective, which currently
has 12 members.
“Each beast we slaughter is a form of worship for the Rams,” she said.
The group has killed six animals so far during the fall semester. They aim to sacrifice
666 animals by midnight of June 6, 2066, claiming it will unlock eternal glory for all
Rams teams.
Fieri said their process takes advantage of the devil’s foolish preoccupation with the
sacrificial sheep.
“The energy of this dead beast bounces through the cosmos and enters Satan’s body,
and he gets flustered, like, ‘Whoa! Who’s this little guy?’ and then spends a few hours
gleefully devouring his gift,” Fieri said. “It keeps him distracted so he goes easy on our
athletes.”
She added that the ram sacrifice “powers [athletes] to victory way more effectively
than dope or Gatorade.”
During the axing, all of the members join hands and concentrate intently on certain
teams — especially baseball.
“Blood is flying everywhere and I’m just picturing the crack of the bat, the thud of ball
in glove. It’s poetic,” Fieri said.
The Ryerson men’s baseball team has seen an upswing of wins since the first rams
have been sacrificed.
“They’ve made it to the playoffs for the first time in team history,” she said. “It’s
incredible to see that our sacred ritual is really working.”
The group is looking for Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) approval to become an official student group. They already have the required number of signatures, including
those of several coaches and athletes, and will pitch their platform sometime next week.
Tina Cook, the assistant coach of the women’s soccer team, said they’re all on board
with the idea.
“We’re really into this — it’s a fresh and exciting way to get students hyped about
sports again,” Cook said. She’s currently organizing a night for the players to partake
in the ritual.
“Witnessing a sacrifice in the name of our team would be an enlightening experience,”
she said. “Hopefully they’ll let our captain do the actual killing, that would be pretty
rad.”
Fieri is excited about this arrangement. She says once the sheep is slaughtered, its
blood will be drained to make literal Bloody Marys for the athletes. “Blood is high in
iron, good for energy,” Fieri said.
The group sources the male sheep from an organic farm in Picton, Ontario. They are
brought into the city, one by one, in Fieri’s car, and then hauled onto the roof with rope
harnesses and a pulley system.
The group plans to maintain a steady flow of rams, with at least six animals on the
roof at all times. But one specific sheep, Kevin, will be spared.
“We bring Kevin around to games and stuff. He cheers on the teams with us,” Fieri
said.
“MAAAH,” Kevin said.

The world’s best potholes
Sometimes you fall when walking over them, sometimes you get an aneurysm from the
bump driving over them and sometimes you photograph them. Here are the world’s
sexiest, tightest holes:

HABITATS

9

Foreign correspondent goes to Tom’s

Tom’s shitty apartment is filled with absolute shit.

PHOTO: JAKE SCOTT

When Irrational Geographic heard about how shitty Tom DeKweif’s apartment is we sent
ace travel reporter Phillium H. Muffmon to suffer through a night of “chillin’ with the
boys.”
When the door swings open I’m hit with the smell of stagnant dish water and stale smoke
of several varieties. I’ve stepped into the apartment of 20-something Tom DeKweif, a slovenly man-child, to better understand this truly unique travel destination.
I’m greeted by DeKweif’s roommate Scoot, who really only lives in the space between
the couch and the washroom, despite having a bedroom. My shoes are staying on as the
floor is clearly dirtier than the street I took to get here. Scoot informs me that he will be
my guide as Tom is still “sleeping off them wine coolers.” It’s 8:30 p.m.

I’m led through a sea of stranded shoes. There must be 15 or 20 pairs, but I’m certain
only two people live in this apartment. Are those crocs? These people are disgusting.
We enter the kitchen where I’m to try some of the local cuisine. Some unidentifiable brown stuff is seeping from the bottom of the fridge. I’m ok with this. The fridge
opens to reveal half a jar of pickles, some expired eggs, three slices of cheese pizza with
congealed sriracha on top and an open beer with plastic wrap on the lid. I opt for the
pickles, banking on the safety of preservatives.
I eat my pickle as Scoot tells me how his “dick boss” fired him for taking “just a
couple bucks” from the charity bucket in front of the cash register. He has a visible
booger in his left nostril and I say nothing.
The next stop on the grand tour is the living room, featuring blankets with crumbs
and also more crumbs. There’s what looks like raspberry jam hardened on the coffee
table, but it could have been strawberry for all I know. We sit on the couch and Scoot
produces a blackened plastic bong from beneath the table. He starts shredding tobacco
and marijuana into separate piles in preparation for the sacred practice of smoking
poppers. He offers me a ceremonial hit. I decide to indulge in local customs. It tastes
the way Willem Defoe looks and I nearly retch from the burning in my chest. Fuck you,
Scoot. I hate you for doing this to me, you awful, lazy bastard.
Scoot starts playing Nazi Zombies as a I pull myself together. A drink of water
should help. I trudge to the kitchen and begin pouring myself a glass. “Use the sink
in the bathroom, the water’s better there,” Scoot calls from the couch. Fine, I’ll drink
your goddamn bathroom water then. I take a sip of the kitchen stuff for comparison.
Dear lord this washroom is terrible. Harsh, painful lighting accentuates the mold
that’s been painted over white by lazy building managers. There’s like a million shampoo bottles in the bath tub and all of them are empty. Why are they still here? I pour my
glass of water and take a sip. Wow. What’s going on with that kitchen water?
I go back to the living room and DeKweif has yet to surface. Seriously, it’s almost 11
p.m. how are you still knocked out from wine coolers? I bang on his bedroom door.
“Mr. DeKeif it’s Phil Muffmon from Irrational Geographic. We were supposed to
chill today for my article. Are you up?”
Muffled curse words come from behind the door as Tom bursts out, red-eyed and
wild-haired. His erection is impossible to miss as he’s wearing really loose Spongebob
pyjamas.
DeKweif mumbles “Shit, I thought that was tomorrow,” and steps into the bathroom. The shower starts and I’m pretty sick of being in this place. There’s like four
calendars with half-naked women on cars and all are pre-2012. Oh god I’m so high
right now though, I can’t even think. Maybe these guys aren’t so bad. I ask Scoot how
he felt about the election result. “Didn’t even vote, man,” was his reply. I hate you so
much Scoot. You disgust me and if your mother knew what a piece of shit you’d be she
would have used a condom. It’s time to leave.
With files from Jake Scott

Kerr Hall gets, like, totally radical
BY ROBERT MACKENZIE

Toronto police and Ryerson campus security have found the cause of recent unexplained
absences in Kerr Hall.
A time-traveling portal has been discovered in the northwest corner of the building on the
first floor (floor zero technically), kind of where the medical clinic is except a floor below and
on the right side of that hallway.
The portal has been transporting students that walk near it into the 1970s, and security
teams are working on a mission to rescue them.
Fourth-year activism student Glenna Wince claims that she has been through to the other
side of the portal.
“I saw a man wearing a mustard-yellow jumper with mom jeans, wire-frame glasses and
a George Michael haircut,” Wince said. “I instantly knew that I was in another dimension.”
According to Wince, the ‘70s Kerr Hall doesn’t look much different from the building
today. “The walls were pretty much the same shade of brown as they are now,” she said.
The only difference that Wince noticed was the smell. “It definitely smelt a lot better back
then. I think that might have been the last time it was cleaned,” she said.
First-year technology student Martin Blenfur suspects that he’s been in the Kerr Hall ‘70s
portal without knowing it. “Sometimes when I’m walking between classes I see people in
kind of weird, vintage clothing,” Blenfur said. “One time I was walking by a classroom and
there was ABBA playing. I must have walked through the portal without knowing.”
Professional scientist Mandy Spatts initially believed that a time-travelling portal was impossible. But after walking through Kerr Hall herself, her opinion changed.
“Everything I’ve learned throughout my life has told me that this kind of science is impossible,” Spatts said. “But the infrastructure and personal styles that I witnessed today have
reshaped the way I look at my field of study.”
Police are planning to begin their rescue mission soon. In a statement, police advised students to travel the halls with caution. “We ask students to travel in partners and pay attenPHOTO: ANNIE ARNONE
tion to their destination. One wrong step and they could end up in ‘70s Kerr Hall.”
Woah, is that Kelso from That ‘70’s Show or is it just a regular Rye student lost in Kerr Hall?

10

IRRATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC • OCTOBER 2015

PHOTO: JAKE SCOTT, ILLUSTRATION: FARNIA FEKRI

Tiny

Boston Terrier
Found In Brazil

Well... not exactly “found.” Yet.
BY JOSH BENETEAU

D

eep in the heart of the Amazon are many creatures
that could be found in a Goosebumps novel, with
sharp teeth and red eyes striking fear into the natives. One of those creatures is the mini Boston Terrier,
which is literally just a very small dog.
The mini Boston Terrier, or mini Boston Terrier as it is
called in the academic world, measures about five centimeters in height and eight centimeters in length, fully grown.
The babies can weigh as much as a blueberry. A full grown
adult, as much as a strawberry.

There’s a tiny Boston Terrier somewhere in here.

These violent but harmless creatures feed mostly on Kibble (which grows on trees native to the Amazon).
They have also been known to hunt in packs, with the
adults standing guard at the base of the Kibble trees while
the pups climb up and knock the biscuits from the branch.
Dr. Lawdud Burke studies the mini Boston Terrier from
a base in the Amazon. Sponsored by his alma mater, Duke
University, Burke has been keeping a big magnifying glass
on the creatures for nearly 20 years and is considered to be
the premiere expert on the species.
“Not much is known about the mini Boston Terrier,”
Burke said in an interview with Irrational Geographic. “To
be honest, I don’t even know if they are real. I just wanted
a vacation in Brazil.”
It is not really clear how long the mini Boston Terrier
has inhabited the Amazon. Burke says that he first learned
about them after he went on a four-day bender during
spring break ’94 and that ever since then he has made it his
life’s work to learn everything about them.
“I took a lot of drugs that year,” Burke said. “A friend of
mine said he had heard of these, how did he put it, ah right
mini Boston Terriers, which were native to Brazil. Who knows, maybe they don’t even exist.”
“I was just fucking with him,” the friend, renowned scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson said. “I’m
a space guy. I don’t know shit about animals.”

Still, Burke insists the dogs are real. While he hasn’t seen
one, he has seen evidence of them around his campsite.
“Something has been stealing my food for a while now,”
Burke said. “What else in the entire Amazon could steal my
steaks besides a mini Boston Terrier?”

“To be honest, I don’t even
know if they are real.”
-Lawdud Burke, scientist

Irrational Geographic was unable to capture a photo
of the mini Boston Terrier in the wild, despite spending
months in the rainforest with expensive cameras. Like, the
most expensive cameras. But we were able to produce a
computer rendering based on specifications given by Burke.
When asked how long his search for the animal will last,
Burke alluded to the fact that the Italian capital of Rome
was not constructed in one 24-hour Earth rotation.
“I will wait for as long as I have to,” Burke said. “I just
hope when I find one I don’t accidentally step on it.”

A computer rendering of the new exotic species.

PHOTO: Jake Scott

WILDLIFE 11

BE NICE
Flies

to
the

Protestors flew into D.C. to express their concerns surrounding vehicular
pesticide. But is this really the biggest issue facing American people today?
BY JOSH BENETEAU

W

ashington , D.C. — Protestors gathered in the thousands outside
the White House on Friday, calling on the federal government to
help defend some of the most commonly murdered creatures on
the planet.
With signs saying such things as “Flies have families too,” “A
fly for a fly makes the world go blind” and “I’ll keep bugging you
until the bugs are saved,” protestors declared that not enough is being done to protect
the insects that are killed by the windshields of cars. Approximately 32.5 trillion insects
a year are victims of vehicular pesticide just in the United States, a number one protestor
says is just too high.
“I believe in a world where every breathing creature deserves a fair chance,” said activist Jenny Ferguson, who is a volunteer with the Bugs, Insects and Termite Coalition for
Healing (BITCH).
Another BITCH member, James Baldwin, says that even though he’s lived in downtown

sticking her sign up and shouting “Swerve don’t squish.”
Ferguson added that she thinks every driver who kills a bug should be fined $50,000
and given six months of jail time, “including herself.”
President Barack Obama held an emergency press conference condemning the protests,
saying “This is a nation built on freedom. Forcing drivers to focus on avoiding insects
when they should be worried about the fact that it is very likely they will be the victim of
a mass shooting in the next year is both dangerous and un-American.”
One person who hopes the protests don’t lead to legislative change is Walt T. Er, a car
wash owner in a suburb of Seattle. He says bugs on windshields are the main source of
income for his business and if those bugs stopped dying, his family of four would starve.
“Dead bugs are the money makers in this business,” Er said. “If my business goes under,
I’ll have to start feeding them to my family.”
A quick scan of any freeway in America will already see cars swerving and smashing
into each other. Estimates from counties across the country pin the death rate at between

“I believe in a world where every breathing creature deserves a fair chance.”
-Jenny Ferguson, BITCH member
Baltimore, Md. his whole life and therefore never learned to drive, he imagines it would be
easy enough for the people who do drive to swerve around any bug that gets in the way.
Ferguson, a native of Cleveland, Ohio, says she has a car but is guilty about it. She
blames her daughter, five-year-old Sarah, who needs to be dropped of and picked up at
school five days a week.
“If it weren’t for that daughter of mine I wouldn’t be a bug serial killer,” she said before

1,000 and 3,000 people just this week.
That statistic isn’t stopping Ferguson and her BITCHs. They insist that if change isn’t
enacted now, the mosquito and moth populations “will struggle to exist.”
“Remember when everyone was pissed about Cecil the Lion being killed a few months
ago?” Ferguson asked. “Now imagine every bug killed by a car is a lion. Why do lions get
treated differently than bugs? It just doesn’t make sense, you know.”

ANIMAL SELFIE
CONTEST WINNERS
Each year, Irrational Geographic asks animals
around the world to submit their best selfies.
This year, we recieved thousands of submissions
from creatures both big and small, short and tall.
Our 15-member committee picked the best of
the best for your viewing pleasure.

Harvey the horse, Nottawa, Ont.

Garth the goat, Dildo, N.L.

12 IRRATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC • OCTOBER 2015

Anne-Marie the alpaca, Flin Flon, Man.

So, you thought these things were
extinct? So, you think you can
dance? Turns out you’re wrong.
By Robert Mackenzie
Photos by Sierra Bien

Animals Are Going

UNEXTINCT

Remember the animals you learned about in history class
and never cared about? Well, those fuckers are back

F

or thousands of years, we humans have
had to rely on fossils and scientific accounts to acknowledge some of the formidable beasts that once graced our planet.
In recent months, scientists have been
baffled by the sudden re-appearances of
some of the animals that were formerly
thought to be extinct. There has yet to be any scientific evidence released as to how exactly these beings became unextinct. Perhaps these animals had to readapt to hawks swooping down from above to catch them.
My cousin Donny: My cousin Donny had a rare, fachanging environments, or perhaps they were never really gone in the first place. The following are four of the tal reaction to his flu shot 13 years ago. My aunt and
most stunning brutes that have recently gone unextinct. uncle decided to have him cryogenically frozen until
there was a cure available. A couple weeks ago they
The Woolly Mammoth: Originally gone extinct more found the cure was some weird sort of lemony syrup.
than 4,000 years ago, the woolly mammoth has long Anyways, they unfroze Donny and treated him. He’s
been one of the Earth’s most recognizably extinct ani- doing pretty well, but they have to teach him 13 years
mals. Scientists are divided on whether the mammoth worth of knowledge and he’s looking for some part
originally perished due to climate change or hunting. But time work to earn a bit of money. We were never really
none of that matters anymore, as these big guys are pop- close but we used to have mini-stick tournaments in my
ping up all over mid sized metropolitan cities in America. basement every Easter so I’m looking forward to maybe
So far there have been mammoth sightings in Raleigh, doing that again this year if he’s down.
The Chestnut Goose: Thought to be one of the world’s
N.C., Austin, Texas and Salt Lake City, Utah. Scientists
believe that the unextinction of the beasts could be due oldest species, scientists are marvelling at the unextincto human ecosystems that were not there for them to live tion of the chestnut goose. The chestnut goose is easily
recognized for its chestnut-brown skin and its rounded
in thousands of years ago.
The Horned Squirrel: Discovered in eastern Luxemburg, features. If you were to crack its hard shell you would
this creature originally went extinct more than 500 years be privy to its bitter taste. The chestnut goose can be
ago. This species is almost identical to the common grey found in trees in the north eastern U.S. They are peacesquirrel that we see in North America, except for the two ful creatures that like to come out around Christmas
sharp horns that stand upon their heads. What brought this time. But the chestnut goose must be weary of squirrels,
species back into our world is unknown, but scientists be- gophers and other small rodents that prey on them, or
lieve squirrels need the horns to protect themselves from else they will go extinct yet again.

My aunt and uncle decided to have
him cryogenically frozen until there
was a cure available ... Anyways,
they unfroze Donny and treated
him.

EXCLUSIVE
A Conversation With A Bear
Since all of us would clearly love to talk to a fucking
bear, we here at Irrational Geographic sent reporter
Devin Jones to do just that. The interview has been edited slightly for clarification.
Q: Hi there, explain what kind of bear you are, exactly?
A: RAWRRRRR UGHH RAWR ROARRRR
RARRRRRR BLARRRRG BROWN BEAR
Q: And was transit busy this morning? I hope it wasn’t
too much trouble getting over here.
A: RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Q: What are your thoughts on being the mascot for
Charmin? Do bears even use toilet paper?
A: RAWRRRR ROAR ROAR GRRR GROWL
Q: Oh! please don’t touch that, it’s recording our conversation. There’s a fake plotted plant in the corner if
the cubs are getting restless.
A: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr
Q: This one comes from our Irrational audience, and
I’m personally curious. Human flesh, what’s that shit
taste like?
A: RAWRRRRR ROAR ROAR BLAR RAWRRRR
Wow, sorry about that I didn’t mean to... OH GOOD
GOD, NO.
For the entire conversation go to www.igm.com

Our beary special guest.

PHOTO: ANNIE ARNONE

WILDLIFE 13

14

Wednesday, Oct. 21, 2015

we hope you liked this issue,
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Wednesday, Oct. 21, 2015

15

Wednesday, Oct. 21, 2015

16

OCT 12 - 25

OCT 31 | 1PM, 3 PM, 5 PM

Go to the 10 Dundas East Facebook page and post a picture of you,
your family, or your pets dressed up in costume for your chance to

WIN a $100 Shopping Spree
at Spirit Halloween.

A professional makeup artist will be on Level 3
demonstrating how to look your creepiest this Halloween!

OCT 31 | 12 PM – 6 PM
Hordes of zombies will be around 10 Dundas East. Take a photo with one,
and share with friends on
. Use #10DundasEast, to be entered to

WIN a $100 Gift Card!*

For each photo taken, $1 will be donated to the SickKids Foundation†.
*Visit 10dundaseast.com for more details. † To a maximum of $2000.