The Last Word

Issue #493

November 2015

Our previous ish was dated September. Thanks for your understanding in these stupid times.

Politicians and cancer scams
The summer of 2015 will be forever known to me as the summer of the cancer scam.
Recently, I fell victim to someone claiming to have cancer—which almost certainly wasn’t true—and
borrowing money. This person proceeded to buy illicit drugs with the money—and paid none but a tiny
percentage of the money back. This individual also wrote me checks that bounced.
A cancer scam can be guaranteed to ensnare 100% of its victims. If I hadn’t fallen for it, I would have
been the first person in recorded history not to fall for a cancer scam.
I’ve filed a small claims lawsuit to recover the money that was deceptively taken, but the bigger culprit is
the Tea Party, which supports itself largely by drug dealing. That is a fact. I know it, and a lot of people in high
places know it. All those news stories
we keep seeing about some Republican
magistrate downstate getting busted for
selling drugs? The drug sales were
funding the Tea Party. I’m positive of
Live in denial all you want, but
the most influential (but least popular)
political movement in America today is
financed by drug money. This isn’t sour
grapes or misplaced paranoia. This is a
logical conclusion.
Cancer scams also seem to be a
racket of right-wing political figures.
politicians in this area, and I’ve got
another story like the one about the
legislator sticking her hands in the chip
dip at the supermarket or the sheriff
destroying patrol cars and parading
about in his undies. This story hasn’t
been solidly confirmed, but I’ve heard
it from a reliable source: There was a
right-wing local politician some years
back who was known for his divisive
nature and public temper tantrums. He
actually held an important elected
office before being defeated in an
upset. Now he’s been out of office for
ages but he still shoots his mouth off
every chance he gets and cavorts with
authoritarian Tea Party charlatans like
Matt Bevin. Anyhow, he has reportedly been the source of a cancer scam.
Several years ago, I heard that this once-powerful public figure was suffering from cancer. I didn’t hear
any other details. Then, not long ago, I heard that he made up the whole thing.
The. Whole. Damn. Thing.
Why? Was it so he could borrow money to buy drugs? Was it for attention and ego? Was it because it
Incidentally, I did do a Facebook block on one of his loldumb allies—also a former elected official—
because he made a racist post about Michelle Obama.

Meanwhile, the Campbell County Attorney’s website makes an enormous stink about the wrongteousness
of writing cold checks to businesses—to the complete exclusion of almost every other topic. It goes on and on
about how businesses lose money to bounced checks. Campbell County throws the book at people for
accidentally writing bad checks to businesses. I’ve known folks who have gone to jail for it. But it’s not even
considered a criminal offense in Campbell County to deliberately write bad checks to individuals. That’s why I
had to file a civil suit instead. County officials worship the gutter cult known as capitalism. Corporations get
special rights.
I gotta hand it to the individual who scammed me this past summer, since I don’t fall for scams easily. At
least that person is smarter than the Republican thought police—unless I’ve gotten dumber. I was only about 12
when someone first explained Reaganomics to me, and I knew right away it was a fraud. But the cancer put-on
lasted for weeks before I figured out it didn’t add up.

World record
It’s a record! And I mean the good kind. That is,
until it got ru—in yet another hilarious old public service
If you go on the Interpipes, you can peep a 1958
clip titled “Chain Reaction.” Now, back in 1958, there
were a lot of old 78 RPM records still in circulation.
These old 78’s were heavy and easily broken. I know that
sounds hard to believe these days, because now we live in
a perfect world where nothing ever breaks (except when it
does), but things occasionally broke in 1958. Can you
imagine that? “Chain Reaction” to the rescue!
In this striking color film about quality control—
which was filmed in Detroit for the auto industry—a man
buyed a hi-fi phonograph, which proceeded to destruct his
prized record collection...
Best line: “Your mighty good outfit just
pulverized my best records!” So would it be acceptable if
they “pulverized” his worst records?
Second best line: “They ruined my evening! Now
I’m gonna ruin theirs!” The magic word!
A synopsis of this film for those of you who are afraid to click on a YouTube link because a firecracker
might pop out of your computer: A man gets home from work after busting his ass all day and finds his new hi-fi
awaiting him. So he slaps some old records on the turntable and tries to show his son what Good Music sounded
like. Remember, this was 1958, when that big, mean rock ‘n’ roll and the Fonz were taking over, and this guy
wasn’t gonna have any of it, dammit!
As the music starts, the man plops down in his armchair and starts smoking his best pipe—right there in
front of his son. As much as you hear about cured meats causing cancer lately, it’s nothing compared to smoking
—and here he is encouraging his kid to light up!
Then the record suddenly stops, and the hi-fi carelessly grabs another disc off the stack. The device
swings the fragile record over the stony floor. The man gets that same worried look on his face that you get when
your toilet is about to overflow. Then the hi-fi throws the record onto the ground, shattering it into a quadrillion
pieces. When the hi-fi tries to break another record, the man rushes over to try to stop it, but it’s just as futile as
yelling at your toilet and signaling “Stop!” with your hand to try to get it to stop overflowing. (Admit it, you’ve
done that!)
Producers of this movie broke at least 2 antique records to film this scene!
The man’s son asks, “What did you do wrong this time, Pop?” I bet that kid grew up to join the Tea Party,
given his penchant for victim-blaming.
Sadly, the store knew the hi-fi was a faulty product but sold it anyway. The store manager tells the
repairman, “Another one of those Banister jobs playing games with a customer’s records.”

Most people would have sued someone plumb to court if a turntable damaged their rare records. Or at
least they would have threatened to sue. At some point, it became a very serious problem in real life, and it was
intentional. I remember some of those miserable ‘90s turntables—I had a Panasonic that was the worst—that
sounded like they used a broken golf tee or a fiber from an S.O.S. pad as a stylus, and had a “semiautomatic” tone
arm that was even more treacherous. Of course it was all deliberate, because it was part of the ongoing secret war
by our corporate masters, and I’m being serious about this. But back in 1958, quality had better be the rule. And
that’s why the man in this film declares he’s mailing an angry letter about his defective hi-fi to the President. But
the man’s son stupidly burns the letter on the
barbecue grill. I bet that kid grew up to join
the Tea Party, given his penchant for arson.
The main theme of this uproarious
film is the economic importance of quality
control. But it turns out the man isn’t so
competent himself. Just watch the film for the
surprise ending!
Even today, this video would be
perfect for American industries to use.
Problem is that not much American industry
remains. Corporate America is so unpatriotic
that they’ve offshored most of their best
manufacturing jobs. The greedy right-wing
globalists obviously don’t care.
In the meantime, I’ve used my super
sleuthery skills to locate the house in this film
on Google Street View. It’s at 446 Alter Road
in Detroit. Go look it up and see for yourself.
Like all other people who exist, I may be
fooled by cancer scams, but it took me only a
little bit of work to pinpoint a house in a huge
city in a clip from 60 years ago. When I put
on my Sherlock Hemlock hat, you can run but
you can’t hide! Egad!

Big viruses, big troubles!
A family member finally went there:
They opined that sending a virus to someone
else’s computer should result in 50 years in
My sentiments exactly, but I’ve been afraid to say it, because some Ron Paul types might start haranguing
me about how “you need to get it through your head” about something or other. Viruses justify tough punishment,
and I mean it. Mean it like a dictionary, I do! An unabridged dictionary!
I’m tired of arguing with computer nerds who won’t use the word virus and instead call it malware. Nope,
it’s a virus. Fact is, all malware is a virus. Just as bad, there’s a whole epoch of nihilists out there who think
sending out viruses is neato.
I’ve had at least one computer completely destroyed by a virus—which cost me over $1,000—and I
suspect viruses may have helped contribute to the final ruinage of several other computers I’ve had. But there
were no negative consequences for those who sent out the viruses—let alone any restitution. Along with ensuring
an economic safety net and regulating Big Business, protecting public order is one of the government’s most basic
charges—and the government didn’t do its duty. By contrast, the Far Right thinks government should exist
primarily to start wars, bust labor unions, and patrol your sex life.
About a week ago, my computer was hit again. This was the second time in about 3 months a virus has
hosed this machine. Not only did I have to refresh Windows, but I had to create a new user profile—again. Even
after that, the computer still had 3 flaws that rendered it but a worthless husk for the Time Being...
When I tried moving files to the Recycle Bin, they were deleted altogether. This
problem fixed itself, but later when I tried deleting a file from the Recycle Bin, it would give the
name of the file as a dollar sign followed by gibberish. This wouldn’t be a serious problem on its
own, but it must be symptomatic of a larger issue.


My Windows backup no longer worked.
I couldn’t change the e-mail address on my user profile.

I qualified for the free upgrade to Windows 10, which I took advantage of. But the third problem persists,
and so does the problem with gibberish replacing the names of files in the Recycle Bin. The second problem at
least was fixed once I went through the bureaucratic red tape of disabling the useless Windows Defender for the
third time, so it wouldn’t conflict with the backup program.
This computer hasn’t been completely destroyed yet, but the mere prospect of it makes me a “50 years”
guy. It isn’t just the raw property damage but also the potential loss of files and the work that went into them.
That’s right, work. The word the Tea Party doesn’t understand. Fifty years in prison for sending out viruses should
be the law. And—since there are protections against ex post facto laws—restitution for past viruses should be paid
from a government fund filled by fines imposed on future offenders. Imagine if you can what the Gum Fighter
from the Hubba Bubba commercials would do if someone sent out a virus. Always respected, this Old West figure
was a champion of justice. He was tough but fair. In the Gum Fighter’s America, 50 years would be deemed a
condign sentence for such a crime.
I’ve also realized I could forget about getting support from Microsoft’s community forum—or whatever it
pretends to be. I posted about each of the 3 issues above, and didn’t get any remotely believable response to any
of them. I didn’t get any response to two of them.
Big troubles.
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