You are on page 1of 3

The United States Mourns The Loss of Texas by Throwing The Most Dope Party, Ever.

After the Texas Board of Education passed their Neo Conservative, religious right
amendments that change the way children of Texas learn, the US threw up their
proverbial hands and cut Texas loose. Senator Durbin from Illinois was heard saying, “If
they want to go this path they better be ready to walk alone.” Adding, “And they’ll be
missing the most dope party ever.” The guest list has been leaking out ever since the
press got wind of removing one of the countries most esteemed patriots, Thomas
Jefferson to be replaced by the heretical religious figure John Calvin. Some other notable
omissions were; the first African American President Barack Obama for Elmo,
America’s most beloved socket puppet and John F Kennedy, for Rick Astley, England’s
most beloved sock puppet. The Majority Whip speaker shared his simultaneous disgust
for the Texas ruling while showing his exuberance for “The most humongous party this
Country will ever throw,” said 70 year old James Clyburn of SC. He continued by
saying, “Check this out, this party will make the Statue of Liberty embarrassed by how
tiny Independence Day is. There’s going to be horse rides, and magic shows, and face
painting, and for the kids all the candy and pie as far as their diabetic vision can afford
them to see.” Some reported musical guests include, Kid Rock, Madonna, and Rick
Astley. Texas wouldn’t comment on being left out, repeated attempts to contact them had
been thwarted by the overdue cell phone bill that has caused service to be disconnected.
Stay tuned for more information on this extravaganza.
Reducation, the 4th R.

Saturday President Obama called for a complete overhaul of Bush's “No Child left
behind program” by manning up and saying, "You know what, some of these children
should be left behind." Finishing, "I mean look at little Stevey, he can't even match his
top to his trousers." The Obama administration has come out saying, "The best way to
show rapid improvement in this area is to cut loose what keeps you down and if that
happens to be a few kids who can't color coordinate, well, then the Republic is better for
it. " Officials indicate that White House Travel Office has been making a number of
unusual phone calls to the state of Texas. Vice President Biden remarked angrily during
the Sunday Morning News Shows, "With their recent approval of eliminating any
reference to Thomas Jefferson from school texts for the addition of John Calvin thereby
eliminating hope of graduating a sensible knowledgeable human being for some time
now, why wouldn't Texas be the best place for these people?" Obama adding in his
weekly address to the nation, "It is my hope that students will graduate from High School
prepared for college and a career. And those graduating from Texas schools will be
required to attend a Summer School session to reeducate them for normal everyday
society." Under the Bush administration one in three schools was below par in every
aspect of education and ranked 18th among the 36 industrialized nations. After Kansas
City School Board learned that one in three US schools were failing, the school district
threw in the towel, sacking 28 of its own area schools and going out for wings and beer.
While licking three-mile island sauce from his fingers the Kansas City School Board
Superintendent said, "nah, nah, nah. nah, nah, nah." "Nah." A White House insider
commented on the situation, "Our edumacation system is failing, we're ranked like in the
middle man, like a dollop of jelly in a donut." The insider was discovered to be the White
House Pastry Chef. Activists against even challenging other countries in the realm of
education are promising a revolt with poorly constructed protest slogans and worse
punctuation than many tea party protest signs. "The 3's R's? Why not the 4 I's or the 2
G's and a C? It's all arbi, arbi, ah, you know what I mean." A Tea Party toddler and
retired fire fighter, 75-year-old Gerald Mulrooney added to the debate by getting off topic
when he commented on our failing education system. "The Government wants to tell us
how to run our lives with their Government healthcare", finishing off through his
Asthmatic lungs, " Keep out of my Medicare and keep out of my healthcare decisions."
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs made the most impassioned comment on the
subject after hearing Mr. Mulrooney's stance on the education system. Stopping the
video, Mr. Gibbs pointed to the monitor and said, "There, that's why we suck."
John McCain Says Hello To His Prostate.

After an unexpectedly cold Winter in DC, Arizona Senator John McCain pulled his head
out of his ass last Sunday. However, after witnessing the Democrats making actual
reform for the people, he quickly stuck his head back up his ass saying, “I’m not taking it
our of here until mid-term elections, maybe not even then.” Initial blueprints of McCain’s
ass shows ample space up there to hide away for a considerable amount of time, said
engineer Chad Smalley. McCain has been known to use his ass for protection from time-
to-time. His time as a pilot during the Vietnam War was the first time he openly found his
ass. “He was so willing to give up his name rank and serial number,” former POW Staff
Sergeant Raul Mendez said of his time in the POW camp with McCain. “He evokes his
ass at every turn.” The Country can also remember the last time John McCain stuck his
head up his ass. During the Nations economic tailspin from the last eight years of a war
spending Government, McCain was caught off guard said Senior Campaign Strategist
for the McCain/Palin ticket, “When the shit was hitting the fan last year in September and
the stock market was taking a beating Senator McCain was finding new room to explore
in his anal cavity.” Some on the campaign suggest he was finding more room for Ex-
Alaska Governor and running mate Sarah Palin. Still others speculated he was making
room for his nine porn star mistresses.

Related Interests