This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Wake up horrible headache,
Open the black clover beg
Need some more weed just to get through this day.
High something I just discovered a few weeks ago
Used to be a lonely out cast but now I’m just a stupid out cast who slacks off most of the fucking time and smokes a respectable good amount of hash.
Experiencing something is a lot better than just guessing,
Well I mean it’s the trip that everybody has to feel for them self’s.
Throat on fire!!!!
Funny feeling….like a tickle
Roller coaster rides….
Craving junk food…
It’s just not right when you say that you love the highness
When in reality you haven’t had one little puff in your entire life!
Living with a parent who doesn’t give a snot about me.
Having a home that feels like a prison.
I’ve been caged in my own life nothing but
false beliefs guided me to shit all.
Disappointment…. All hard work destroyed
All my hopes and dreams for a perfect family
Terminated….Like my soul
that slowly dies inside of me rotting
Intel its bitter ends
Sacrificed….The main core of my happiness
my Joy and purity…
Excitement… waste of words
Everyone needs this everyone yearns it.
Don’t deny this Haven…..Just embrace it my angel.
Slowly poring out my life source.....
The taste is truly disgusting
My wrist's burn while I bow my head in disappointment,
The voices within me are taunting me,
And they laugh….
I cant escape them...There's only one way....But I swore I wouldn't.
Disgusting! Expecting pity
Where real That’s Pathetic
your so gross
Life, Choices that turn out crappy,
Friends who don’t understand
a crud of what I’m going through.
Watching them live and have fun while I stay inside letting
myself rot and be lead to suicide and self endangerment.
Needing a hand to pull me out even if it
Needing that something…..
It’s special but I have no idea of what it is.
Having to go to school…
No intimate dating to tell
No life to share…. only forcing myself to listen about
Who’s cheating on who….
Does that make me a slut?
Hook ups… Break ups… Heartbreaks… regretful sex!
School ends time to retreat…
Falling back into the plain emptiness,
That myself wishes there is something more…
Is what keeps me here…living and breathing
Without weed there is no high
Without the highness I’m dead.
I’m patient waiting for a friend…
Your Alone Haven, Always alone
Very patient as I now look for her…
Give up she is getting somebody else high
Impatient I call her…Still ringing…..
She sounds wasted…
Dam nit its starting again!
Where are you?!
Crap I screamed at her
“Excuse me?” when I scream…
She doesn’t like it
Especially when its at
She’s not your friend
“Sorry Haven but I just ran out of it so…maybe later tonight?”
No I need it now!!
I sigh only listening to the bleak beeping sound
At the end of the phone,
The sound that tells you to hang up
You sorry loser, your life is meaningless just like your story.
I walk alone…on a empty side walk… empty life
Un decided path no excitement no existence
I stand alone.
Dark mysterious Silverado
“Hey gorgeous, pulls up beside me,
which way you heading?” perhaps, should I intervene?
The voice is unfamiliar,
I know I should just go…
Straight ahead to my pathetic life
With no one but the voices within me.
I should tell him to jerk off,
“No where decided yet.”
Crap An invitation? That’s not what I meant.
What’s wrong with me?
There’s nothing wrong with her… What’s wrong with you?
Your acting stupid…
Get A grip Haven!
Your being retarded…
So stupid..so stupid..
Everything is so itchy…
You’re a slut..
Your kidding… disgusting….
Haven!! Go inside…go inside
Please leave me alone……
I need something…
It’s okay to say it…Haven.
Say it now
Say it with us…
Suicide, I know its okay
It’s the pain I need to feel it
Something that can hurt me…
What if the stranger...no don’t do it!
YES! The stranger
I walk to his black truck climb up inside…
But wait-no second guessing its okay you need this Haven. The Stranger
Wears a cap covering his skinny face
Sweat racing down his high cheek bones
Re-starting his engine now pulling away
“Last chance for you to escape”
A quiet pause…
“I’ll take my chances”
And I did, glairing back at my old life,
Not knowing if this is the best decision
Not knowing If I’ll be alright,
Through the whole ride from my street to
Downtown portage place
His sweaty hand lingered from his navy blue’s
To my left skinny jean lap
Than right back to his jeans
Your so stupid…
he can kill you…
No he wont, he’s one of us….
You will regret it…
The voices whispering
I tried to ignore with every attempt
I failed. ..
Where are we going?
I blurted my finger tips
and wrists are
What’s wrong with you? faking?
My heart beats stronger,
It feels like I'm being lowered…
Forced into a tank with poisonous snakes
Of what is happening to me
Terrified I cant control this… urge
I want it to stop, I need this to stop!
“Are you okay?”
I’m almost gasping for air
Harsh rush surging through me
I know I cant over pass this….I am not in control
I stare at the man who stares back
You need him…
Reach out to him…
Haven it’s okay just reach out.
I’m laying back breathing heavy, I cant do this anymore.
Oh GOD forgive me,
I literally flung myself at him,
Not caring that the light can switch green
I’m kissing him like I’m a real pro at this,
I’m even making him moan,
Lightly rubbing parts I never dreamt of touching,
I’m licking him begging that he’d touch me to.
“WAITE! Waite Stop just wait.”
He quickly detaches me from him,
Kissing my neck the whole time,
While I scrunched my fingers into his
blonde perfect hair…
I fell back holding all of this passion..
Knowing now that all of this is
actually a good feeling
better than the voices inside make me feel…
Pain…that slowly destroys me,
Sufforcating me…Intel I cant breathe
Terminated…those awful feelings
Replacing them with something entirely new.
The feeling is still here, my arms extremely itchy
I pretend that I cant hear them, Knowinng they are very angry. Why would you do that?
Disgusting….Pig! hear us…
“Hurry up! Move it, A green light for crying out loud!”
I giggled thinking this man
is extremely embarrassed
the car’s behind us are still honking
the blonde man succeeds on pulling up
in a dark alley
It stayed silent for a few seconds,
The quietness is suffering…
“How old are you?”
Lie to him tell him a fat lie…
The man look’s serious. at first,
When he glanced at me he shrugged
Mumbled something I don’t quite understand,
Now the man sighed putting his navy blue cap on
Now I can clearly see his beautiful face,
His skin so soft looking,
His nose crooked but straight
His lips are cherry he smells like summer
Am I falling in love?
His eyes are dark now and serious….
“How old are you?” he asked again
But now he sounds annoyed and frustrated
Do I know why?
“I’m… eighteen just turned recently”
The way he looked at me now is clearly written on his face. “Bulshit.”
Well okay I’m really sixteen but turning
seventeen two weeks from now. I tilted my head.
“You think I would lie to you?’
I smiled, hoping he believes me…
The man shakes his head,
placing both of his creamy
vanilla scented hands on the steering wheel,
I gasped feeling the serge rush turning on again,
Just breathe Haven you need to get a better grip on yourself.
We need to convince him that we’re eighteen.
“Blow job, I can give you a really,
Good blow Job.” believe us.
Were your friends Haven we can help you…help you.
Were not your friend’s…why is she saying….she is Pathetic
Don’t, please stop! Don’t touch me, leave us!
I can’t breathe….Help! Someone…
“Look little girl I don’t touch under age kindergarteners,
I’m just not that type of guy.” telling the truth
Crap Haven were loosing him…make
“I’m defiantly not under age, besides you didn’t have a problem kissing me earlier.” PIG! You’re a slut- no not her…she’s a little girl you Pedi file!
Mind they can read his mind!
I forgot that they can read minds and feelings…
He laugh’s while playing with his key’s,
Now he caught his self, shaking his head
Slowly starts the engine…staring off in space.
“I don’t want to leave...” I whispered,
Tears already sliding down my cheeks
I quickly wipe them away.
Now inside my head it is finally silent…
Instead of feeling Adrenaline rush
I feel rejection.
Pain is reality and… it kills me.
He wants’ you to leave…It’s okay
You should go…
“There right I should go” I barley whispered
Climbing down his truck,
It’s snowing outside and freezing…
Wow you got yourself in something really deep Haven.
I started to laugh…Shut up Haven!
You’re not funny…
Just go already.
I don’t laugh, I don’t cry
I stay silent and numb for now…
I walk alone feeling ashamed,
How could I be so reckless? He is probably in his thirty’s.
He’s probably pushing twenty three.
I look back and the truck is gone,
He is gone what was I expecting from him,
He is man a stupid heartless fool.
My eyes over flood with tears, Don’t cry… she’s crying
I look at my hands and they are shaking, You’re fine
Yes I’m fine… I take another step.
No I’m not fine…
I’m breaking it’s all because of that stranger!
All of the voices gasped.
He’s not a bad guy…..One female voice persuades.
He really did want to kiss you again…
He’s crying Haven…
“Oh Shut Up!” I screamed it out loud.
Everyone is going to think I’m a freak.
Just walk home Haven…everything should be fine now that he is gone… Break down
From my past, falling feelings that I tried to ignore,
A break down in myself also the depths of my shattering soul
My life is to empty, it feels like a dark hole
Nothing could compare to this life I have now.
Wondering if this night is the last night I have left,
It’s funny that my words are starting to feel real
Shaking, arm’s bleeding I’m trying not to rip out my hair
I’m crying and gasping I can’t stay still,
I’m scratching and digging my nails into my skin that every harsh urge continuing to slice me still,
Stinging sensations I can’t believe this either.
Afraid I’m loosing, to this other half,
Happy I’m finally committing suicide.
The voices continue to mock me,
Don’t do it, Haven!!
Going to hell,
“Don’t..” being silly.
Hush little angel, Your
It’s not real Haven!! what you did!
I’m going to tell…
Slice hurry it’s okay.
You need it!
I slice on either arm It’s red and noticeable, every thing stops.
Their threatening me. Okay Haven you know you need to see the doctor. you can’t.
Yes I can’t see the doctor I know exactly why. You’re an idiot. They shortly gasp.
Ash don’t say that.
“Go away!” It wasn’t supposed to be a mumble. I feel so weak.
Crash down everything is weary…Just go to sleep.
No I can’t sleep here. I have to open my eyes.
Why is it so bright all of a sudden? Heaven…
Or hell, I tolled you guys you have to come with me to hell after I die. Shut Up!
Your not dead…yet.
Adam your such a mouthy little… child. Ooooh.
I couldn’t help but chuckle a little.
door slam might be mom. Open your eyes.
“Oh hell hey are you alright? Ssshh.”
My eyes flung open at the sound of his voice,
Beautiful knight like voice.
His curious baby blue eyes staring back at me,
Medium Ash blonde bangs falling down to his frustrated now navy blue eyes.
He takes off that plain dark blue cap.
“I’m in love with you”
He stops scratching his head.
Look’s at me very seriously now sweeping my frosted hair away from my face, I saw a flash of anger or maybe frustration playing along his face. He can’t make up his mind. Awwwe that’s so sweet.
Lovie dovie romance.
Haven stop it.
Sorry, remembering they don’t like me. I know all the reason’s why. But that’s another story. Shut it.
I love seeing her cry.
That ended it. Snapping back into focus not realizing who he’s with I stroked his face lightly and a little shaky.
He is so soft, men truly do care more about there face than most girls would. “Hmm”
His lips tremble I begin to smile at him.
The man behind him gasp’s running to me grabbing my arm that I was using to caress this stranger guy. My stranger guy.
“who did this to you?!” The man yelled at me, I’m terrified and shocked all at the same time. Overwhelmed I slowly pass out wanting to tell him that It was me but only came out with. “Nooo.”
I woke up in a hospital bed, My arm stitched up but it still hurts.
I look around and found mom sitting on a chair her hands are shaking and she is finished crying.
Big trouble… She screamed when they tolled her that you were…
I breathed in not wanting to here the rest, knowing I feel this guilt every time I block them out. It’s disgusting and horrible I can barley stand it. I need to get rid of them. But I don’t know how.
Ask the Doctor
Screw the doc okay? They all laugh.
I had enough with your second guessing seriously I just want all of you to leave! We cant leave… We don’t exist.
Were not real.
“Bulshit!” I whispered out loud.
Crap, mom heard.
I open my eyes avoiding her face, Stella walk’s in with Priscilla both looking amused than angry.
“Haven! Why would you do that?!” My mom’s voice echoed in this small room. “I’ll go and get Renée.” Stella said running out of the door.
I finally turned to mom,
Her face looked dead and her eyes are red and puffy,
I’m disgusted, dragging my self up.
Not because of the way she looks but the way I behaved
Trying to kill myself over stupid little issues she doesn’t need this.
She left you, abandoned you
For what? No for who.
Now you all have to shut it.
My mom is a total wreck… Don’t talk to us,
We’re not your friends…
Embarrassed I shrug using it as an excuse
Mom shakes her head asking what we should do
Your asking me?
Well… “I don’t know”
All of this is just to much to deal with.
I always attempted a suicide but it never use to be this
“Good evening Miss Taylor How are you feeling this evening?”
I can barely breathe my fingers are
I feel irritated for some reason I just want to hit something.
I need to move It feels like I’m slipping away or drowning.
Just let out a small scream Haven we need to scream.
“Haven? It’s okay just breathe everything is okay see?”
The nurse she
shows me that there is air and it is alright if I breathe it in
But the nurse doesn’t feel or know what I am going through
I need to peal off my skin, I need to feel something else.
“Hey! Haven don’t!”
“Leave me alone! Go away! Don’t touch me!” I’m reckless now breathing deep and hard needing it to stop. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
“Call the Doctor!” Nurse screamed helping my mom pin me down.
Within a few seconds other nurses swarmed in strapping me down to the bed. My mom only begun crying again. Everything that is sharp or pointed they all grabbed it out of my reach.
Don’t!... let her go… you doing? What are Your going to die
Good! Your not going to die. Your in danger! Run Haven go quick!!-
My heart beats…My heart slowly calms. I’m not screaming, Terrified I haven’t lost control, But
My body is fussy, Still
I waited for it to stop, Here
I’m becoming empty…
You faked! feel embarrassed, I hate you!
That was all you Haven… that’s all they tell are lies.
I know I’m not a fake but still I feel like I could have just kept it all to myself. I’m so stupid. Not only did I make my mom worry but I made everything a lot more difficult.
“Uh..She has been blocking herself from us, but nothing like this has ever happened.”
Mom is talking to the doctor outside. I’m stuck in here still strapped to this bed with my own families eyes staring at me with hate.
“I have noticed the scars on both of her arms…Have you seen them?”
Oh no this is bad. all my fault.
I know and its
Your such a idiot always begging for attention.
“stop it don’t start.” I whispered didn’t want to let all of that out.
All of them look away from me.
The door opens “Well we are going to run some more tests on her, I highly recommend that you keep a tight watch on her. Maybe suspend her from leaving the house, just for safety reasons.”
Damn don’t tell me I have to stay at home with—
Itchy…a new sort of itch. I’m angry… your full with hate.
Kill…hurt yourself-No don’t do it!
“ Shut up” It was barley a whisper thank god no one heard me
Don’t freak out…breathe Haven breathe…she’s making this up as she goes along…No she’s not! Idiots they are.
Like a switch everything turns back,
My eye’s narrow onto something plain,
Time it quickly passes by…
Everything feels weird, I’m lighter it’s
unusal, Something starts to nudge me as this blankness
clear’s, It’s off key, I don’t fear don’t weap but feel its
I need to stop…I need to let go…I feel high…but than I’m not
What is all of this? Why wont they answer me? Am I finally freed from them?
Like a worl pool everything spin’s
Unoticed I drown in this thing,
I want to go back to that pretty feeling,
I love that feeling, I like that feeling.
Wow my voice sounds so parched
I feel heavy now, Gross and disgusting.
Reality is the reason. I hate this.
I don’t feel happy, not even a small smuge of high
I watched him pass by
Not even a glance
I want to scream
It’s time to leave
Yeah I know you guys everything is Bitter now that he’s gone.
Now waiting another hour,
My mom still talks to me
More less than needed
Bet I deserve it, wow if she ever finds out
Where I was walking from…Who I was with…
She can never know! Yes she can…
She will… Haven…
because of you….
Always your fault.
Withdrawn I eat another bag of Chedder chese
Still waiting for a doctor to send us away…
I waite still thinking of him…That man… My stranger. Finally
The clearness races back, not really…I doubt that
Moran’s than what is this? Maybe thinking…
I need more of
That erases just
“Okay you can go now.”
Doctor talks looking only at me.
“If there is any small reason Haven be sure to come back any time.” Doc looks desperate.
She knows whats wrong…She doesn’t know anything! Yes she will make you stay. Enough! Haven you know you have
to see… No leave me alone there is nothing wrong with me.
His sentence still echo’s in my head. Ryan go away.
Don’t cry…It’s your fault! You need medical treatment.
I shook my head hopeing every one will just leave it at that.
“There has to be something wrong with her. Is their anything that runs in your family Melissa?” Another Doc whisper’s near the door way. Say yes! No-Leave me alone!
I walked faster to the washroom before they start throwing a hundred questions
at me. Run…Hurry up!
Finally I’m alone…
”Haven?” Mom knocks on the door.
Well not completly… “I’m changing.”
Wow is that how weak I really sound?
“We are going to have to run some more tests on you tomorrow Haven. But you can leave tonight.”
Night? Oh great more problems I don’t think I can lie myself out of this one. You
won’t lie. It’d be blurted—Shhhh!
Strange their hideing something from me…so! Your disgusting, ugly fat whore!
Wow they sound so close
like ghosts whispering into my ear. “Nothing’s wrong with you.”
Took a deep breathe knowing they are starting to talk with me now.
Great I think I should tell someone about this. I hope this is fake!
Through the entire exit everyone stayed silent.
Everyone stayed distant except for them…Their still here
Around me…touching me…whispering and making me feel…Disgusting. Un wanted. Enoyed than blank.
Inside the blue van tightened my seat belt, finally drove away. I saw only one short glance at that stranger guy he looks releaved but his friends look kind of angry while they look at me. Seeming like he wanted to say something.
I Know you.
The man looked away climbing into his black truck.
I still stared. He’s…One of them. Crazed
I start thinking, maybe their real...she knows...the real truth.
I start figeting wishing that I can rewind time...hope she's not going to let it out this time...
Threatening their starting to touch me again...Are they real? Seriously real?....We tolled you...Haven.
"Haven whats wrong?" Big sis asked,
if only she knew what was truly wrong with me,
If only she can hear them tha'd make me less crazed. If only I could let someone in so I wouldnt be so alone.
This is my fault now so I have to
fight this alone.
"Nothing. I just have to go to the bathroom." I lied. Regreting the truth.
Regreting ever picking up that novel about Vampires.
Regreting ever falling in love.
Fear... This wont go away. This wont disapear, Oh god I'm shakeing, I wonder if they can see me disapear.
Keeping this hidden is more harder than being hunted by your worst nightmares.
It is allot harder than hideing your pregnancy from your strict parents.
Andrenalin e Rush...
Not my first time, I think we had one of them earlyer today.
I think I enjoyed it, Honestly I don't remember how it was... How it all felt, where my soroundings where.
All I can remember Is his face...His strong shoulders
his beautiful hat, His goergous baby blue eyes. I can almost swim in them.
Why do the voices laugh? They don't know who he is, or what he does and who he is all about! your in love...Over your head...strong shoulders hehehehee!
Shut Up! "Haven..." Mom's voice is small her hand is clenching the steering wheel. I hope i don't get hit when we get home. "Your not going to school tomorrow-"
"I know that." I didnt mean to sound mean. yeah you did. Horrible daughter.
She doesnt deserve you!
"You might have, manic depression or scytsophrenia, It all runs in the family Haven. Are you depressed?"
Shakeing my head, afraide to speak afraide she will send me back to the hospital. Horrible place for a teenager!
Just squeeze and breathe let it all pass by, no need to make a fuss. No need to let it show.
Heart pounding louder in my chest, makeing my shirt move with it. Look outside, conscentrate on the cars outside, look at the sky...
I follow their sugestions remembering how much I loved to look at the sky, wishing that I can become one as the clouds, Wishing I could fly where ever I wanted to go. Hopeing that God can accept me in heaven too and not cast me out like how everyone tolled me when I was verry small. A glimpse
Nothing to scream about,
No need to panic
A small glimpse, looking at me…
He’s out their…
Fragile glimpse, him
I shouldn’t still love
If he thinks I’m
If he knows I’m real…
If he heard me say I loved
I give a short wink.
He drives away smirking at the road
I stay behind felt so alone…
Hoping now that I wont see him again,
Hoping he wont hear me think his name inside my head.
The pain still lurks me his voice it taunts me,
The pain doesn’t disappear…
His car it reappears beside us… Am I the only one seeing it?
Conc entrate Haven
Focus your eyes. living proof
I’m not crazy… me
He still loves
You still need him.
He was my
…….I know I still do.
The man shot a glance at me,
As If I admitted it,
was the first man I loved
Laughed Than drove away with me feeling defeated.
I shouldn’t be like this…
I couldn’t help to say it…
Had to deny it for very long…
Now the tables turned with me confessing
It’s like a sick twisted game,
Its all his fault! I Hate him!!!
“He’s not real.” Again they speak with me…
It has a small affect on me. Suddenly I don’t care.
I don’t care if he’s real or not
I don’t want to be with him anymore
I never loved him- yes you did, Always had to-
At a certain point I did, but not anymore.
Why is that? What’s she talking about…? You love him Haven!
I’m sure I like some else. I’m sure He is the right man for me. Oh..Pfts! He’s not real-One of us- He wouldn’t touch you remember?! Your brainless…
Let them complain while I stare at his beautiful face, wonderful eyes remembering how it felt when I was in his arms. Pale stranger. Home
A place where I feel safe
Where I like to collect
Home sweet home
My foundation and resort
Where I keep all of my stuff
How I hide most of my stuff
Is where I go to be happy
My beautiful bed
Is where the goodies are kept
Is my hidden stash
I saved some hash
I roll some fatties
Tug the window open I lit it up
All the sweet sensations
Let it all burn cleansing my throat
Letting it all go resurrecting it’s power
Make sure it swarms out the exit
Can’t wait to try some more.
Repeating the steps almost like a rehearsal, just remembering what I have next
Completely ignoring their warnings, forgetting the door isn’t locked.
Everything feels exotic I settle back against the wall.
This was almost like a vacation, a really good vacation
One last hoot and I’m flying high my friend.
Shit! I forgot to lock the door,
All hell is in my room my mom is takeing all my tools, all my things and packing my bags throwing them in garbage bags.
“Mom-no don’t- Waite-“
“I can’t handle this anymore! Getting rid of this shit!”
“Mom!” I’m crying not because I’m hurt only from my mood swings their acting rediculous right now.
“Ha ha got busted. Where do you want her shit to go?” That man, my worst enemy is talking right infront of me right in the middle of my out burts. I Didn’t talk not even a warning I just hit struck him hard and loud still wishing I had more time, wishing I had something sharp in my hands. Knowing I have already gone insane.
The clock ticks by
Seconds I realized why…
Seconds I’ve already turned numb, heartless a brain dead zombie.
I stopped crying and ended all emotions
My mom is driving me away with all of my belongings in the trash and back seat.
“So you have given up?”
My voice it trembles but I can muster up a short sentence.
It’s not like I’m to heartbroken to talk.
“I haven’t given up…I-I just—“ Mom shakes her head.
Well that’s the end of that. “CFS?” I asked with disgust inside my voice. Nothing not even a fowl movement out of
“Well where are you taking me?” I’m getting angry again my arms are quite itchy and I feel like I need nothing more than to just scream or hit something.
“Dr. Phaning wanted you to be placed into a protection teen facility. It’s new and it is...” Mom inhaled. ”What you need. It’s what I need for right now.”
“No it’s what you need! This is all you MOM!! I hate you.” I crossed my arms wishing the voices would just talk to me and make this all disappear. Some how they usually do well not literally they just block everything out and let me listen to what their all saying. I miss them.
Maybe this is better for me, or maybe I should just escape. Right when the vehicle stop’s I’ll jump out the
door and run. I’ll run far away from this and hopefully find that man again. I don’t even know his name
A small emotion, words she might be keeping from me
An excuse she made to block the real truth.
Block her soul from being shattered.
“Who where those men that found you? Only curious.”
Shaken I missed my one ticket out of here.
Should I be cautious? I tighten my seat belt. “I dunno.”
Mom reads me for what seemed like a long time.
“Well you should…” Stop nodding your head! It’s making me nervous. “Why what did they look like? What did they say?” I didn’t mean to sound un professional, my voice being so whiney and suspicious I mean.
“Well one was really buff and had light blue eyes. Could have been contacts. The other man had-“ That’s him! Michael I think. Ohh…she knows my name. Aha! I pear a glimpse at him remembering what he really looks like. Don’t look at me!
“Okay!” It was barley a whisper but I think mom heard me. “The last man
looked young- wha-“
“No continue.” I insisted.
“Ugly Sandy Blonde hair with a cap mostly covering his face. I thought they were well looked…”
“What mom? Looked…” I urged.
“Un fit? Well I don’t know, I don’t pay much attention to guys like that. He sounded concerned about you.” Mom clenched the steering wheel.
Well of course he would have been. Probably hoping that I was going to make it out okay. Or maybe it was because he thought you were going to rat him out.
Well that could be a possibility.
Mind raceing, body functioning okay
Thoughts jolted, but I seem to talk okay
Memorie fadeing, inside I’m going insane
Does this sort of thing happen with everyone,
Or am I the only person who has this?
The doc lifts his eyebrow’s , “What sort of thing do you think you have?”
Urgh! I’m frusturated, emotional reck I know that I’m going to have to stay at
some place locked in a white room and straped to the bed after this is done. “Nothing.” Giving up, but knowing I should just fill him in a little bit about this. You can’t we can’t, you hear me? Yes, now go away. They’re not going to listen, they don’t get you, but you all do? Please. You guys are just a bunch of pussy stuck up snobs who think I’m the far worst person….haha what is it? She can’t remember…okay now why can’t I remember? What did you guys do to me?! Nothing…we didn’t do anything to you. Hurt you, hurt hur-hur—hur –tt-tt-tt. Hurt you.
Urgh! I don’t understand this I don’t get this. I want to die, I need to die. Should we tell him?
Nuuuumb. Nice. “Stop laughing.”
Doc stay`s silent studying my face. Theirs nothing to study
“I`m not crzy! It`s all his fault!”
“Okay Haven what we are going to need you to do for us is just breathe calm down and relax. Now with the voices do you hear them frequntly or maybe…?”
“Frequent. They where verry frequent with me but now they seem to…quiet themselves.” I think I can get the hang with this, the doc now seems to understand me. I hope.
“The voices first” begun” b-begun when I was in a faze I was so overly over-over obsessed w-with a vampire named Ash.” Stop it! “I was tolled by an oracle that we would fall in love and be together for a long time. I actually believed her.’’
“Okay and who was this Ash guy, did you ever really meet him?”
“Yes I did, Once. It was in a park and he wouldn’t stop glareing at me, he had a black cap on and dark but light brown skin. I think he was waiting for me to talk to him or something. I’m not sure.” I rushed through my speache knowing that this is all real and hopeing that he can tell me I’m not crazy and that this guy is real. That rat bastered. I hate him!
The doctor sighed and than opened a large speech that I had tried so hard to listen to but this high feeling is intoxicating.
I feel so moved by this,
I feel at ease and that this is just only a fictional novel.
I shouldnt care-I don't need to care. Why should I care?
I'm not afraid and I don't care,
Don't care, don't care, I DON'T CARE!!!!
I'm stareing at this man and see his mouth moving
I feel like falling asleep. Could this be the highness? Yes/no. maybe.
Yes just a fraction of it, I'm learning how to divide whats real and whats not, whats fiction and whats logic. Half of these voices are me and half of them are real. Half of what I'm fealing is highness and the outher half is this thing. Logic we all need Logic to find reason with what life has to offer. Am I makeing any sence.
All I've done so far is just nodd my head and agree with this man with whatever he is getting at. He said something about therapy and classes of such. I don't recall him saying anything about these four men wearing all white standing near the door. I don't remember him talking about me going into any place iether than home. Have I been talking while he was talking? Or where they useing my body and talking by them selfes?
"Haven now these kind gentlemen are going to take you to a place..."
The man still talks I'm feeling angry and afriad.
Have they all lost their mind. It's not me its the highness. I wasn't talking. "You
have no right." I stood up trying to walk past these men but thier like tractors blocking me off.
The light feeling sways over me still, this could just be my imagination. This could only be a fiction script everyone is playing. Soon I'll be taken home after all of this is done. No your not! This is real! You idiot! Run. Your in danger. "Fly away!!"
I'll fly away. This is all of your faults. If it wasn't for that women speaking my name to that guy than I wouldnt have belived it so much.
"You have to stay here, these men are not trying to harm you Haven."
"Not true. You lie they all lies just likes you do. Old fuck!" Gravity compresses me I'm being wayed down. Just sitting down wacthing everyone play their part in this. Waiteing for this highness to pass over. "They can't do this right mom?" this is depressing...
"Mom?" I turn my head and found myself alone with them. A dream this all has to be a dream. A bad dream. "Your mom just steped out you will see her again later Haven." NO she won't. She abandoned you. left you.
"LIAR!! All lies.
lies." I whispered, have I been whispering
this whole time? The four men lead me out of the hospital. We even took an elevator, I got a snack to. It tasted good. But I haven't seen mom anywhere. I didn't even say good bye. "Why, why would she? How, what?"
I don't understand I don't understand. I'm still crying, you can't cry. Pitying yourself. We don't feel sorry for you. Whore!
Can't cry stop beiliveing just stop Haven! I'll stop crying. this isnt real, they don't exist only in movies. I'm just sleeping. You can't cry, no pity so don't cry. Don't cry just don't cry.
Only a second
We made it out side,
Only a second
I buckled my seatbelt
Only a second
My eye lids close
Only a second
my tears unfold
Only a second
I continued to force it down
It lasted only a second
Before we made it to my new home
I'll survive, I'll get by,
This isn't so bad, As long as I don't cry
as long as I'm not alone I'll be okay, I'll get by.
Don't worry We'll get by.
No I still don't understand
No I don't know why.....But I hope that this is a good thing for me
A good place, I know in places like this
they don't give a crud about you no matter what problem you have. It's not like your a child anymore. They'd probably think I'm insane or crazy. Hell I probably am.
We walk inside, Don't care to much about the details
I don't care that my mom abandoned me
I just can't care any more,
Nothing's left inside.
The only thing that probably sucks
To me is their is no music that I like
I left my MP3 in my beg
All my belongings are still their
Traped inside her van with no one to play or listen to it.
Walk up stairs and more stairs
Cut across the hall and the food court
Everyone's eyes are glued to me
Stuck to me like paper and glue
I walk some more, Still we walk
Thinking of nothing else but the man
Beautiful man, dangerous man
How he'd look driving a motersycle
with me in his arms.
That will never happen
The man is still talking
I'm to angry to listen
He opens a door nudges me inside
I have to share a room with some girl
who look's at me with driven hate. Unfortunate
The room smells like a guy's cologne
The girl still stares at me
I'm now alone with her
Most of my belongings are here
Maybe this isn't so bad
The girl sings a knowable song
She doesnt stare but looks afraid
I know I'm not going to hurt her unless
she hurts me
She still sings smileing at the ceiling
I know this song I have it on my MP3
"When I get older, I will be stronger,
They'll call me freedom, just like a Waving Flag,
And then it goes back, and then it goes back,
And then it goes back Ohh!"
Her voice isn't to bad
she has the voice of my older sister
I bet she's probably freaking out on mom right now
It's still dark outside.
I hate it when it goes dark.
Walls start to move
My heart bounces around
I get restless I fear that the sky is falling
That it will all fall on me it's just waiteing
Waiteing for the right time
Same moment I close my eyes
Exact same moment when I fall asleep
Which leaves me thinking
Wouldnt you want to die
with your eyes open instead
of keeping them closed?
If their closed you'll be traped
in the darkness with no light
But if you keep them open
only focused on one thing
Than it wont be so bad.
Your mind can fuck with you
after your dead.
It can play tricks on you
makeing you think that your still alive
and that the pain your feeling is real.
"D o you always talk out loud?"
"No, why what am I saying?" I'm sure I kept my mouth bulted shut. Or thats what my mind tolled me.
" Whispering, just whipser's."
A sudden shock crept into my spine. Whispering. Thats what the voices do! Could I becomeing one of them?
"whats your name kid?" The girl jumps off her bed.
Don't say it/ yes she will kill you. Please don't use our voices. "Haven Selena Taylor. Whats yours?"
"Vero nica Shortbred. I've been here over six months now. They said I only have two more months." Veronica looks at me she
doesnt look so mad any more.
I'm afraide to ask her why.
"Dark, so dark outside."
They're coming to get me.
I know they followed me.
Their not sapposed to do that
They are probably 1 mile away or so.
He's probably thinking of me.
He's sick that sick bastered!
fort, Haven comfort.
I'm sapposed to find comfort in this?!
Your sick all of you are sick!! child melester
SHUT UP!! Go away now right now.
Leave me alone.
Betraly, Misery Alone, Fear
I can't escape this
I keep undoing it
I want it to stop
Just need this to stop
Frameing me that I'm some one I'm not
Defending Redoing the same thing
Confused we break down,
Need to cry but I force my self not to
Betrayed by my own family
Bleed I need to bleed he should have left me
I can't cry If I think
It's stupid.....I'm stupid......Theirs no need to cry numb washing over
Suffering is still their
Ackeing, demanding I give in
But I won't instead I egnore it
I make up silly excuses just to walk around it in my head
As if they are all real judgeing me waiteing for me to screw up
I'm some times nice to them
I was just jokeing and talking with them
But thats all past efforts
Past fails and past mistakes. No clock
Not even a radio
Nothing to make them calm down
I've been laying here for what seemed like forever
Veronica and I have been talking
Short talks not much
Not anything really
Only about her troubles
Veronica had a problem
Not any problem
Just one problem
She couldn't stop hurting herself
For no reason intended
Well one was that God was really mad at her
And God wanted her to die
My problem was similar
But that's another story to tell
Killing and forgeting
We all kill, we all hate
It's what makes us unique
It's what makes us human
Kill is just a metaphor
For some killing is a pride
It's just a cause
Just another suffering
Nothing could make it go away
Medicines are just illusions
makes you think that its a cure
In reality we face the truth
We seek the pain as a white light
No one really cares
No one want's to hear
You think they blame you
because of your sickness that frames you
your haunted and fearing whatever mocks
Just stop, just listen waite you'll break through
But what if you don't?
What if God can't forgive me for sliceing my wrists?
What if he can't understand?
What if they to say I'm fake?
Who is there to run to
when your finally
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
We've moved you to where you read on your other device.
Get the full title to continue reading from where you left off, or restart the preview.