Declining ad revenues and competition for readers online have dramatically altered the media landscape in recent years

, and the consequences for Harvard University’s graduate school newspapers have been no exception to the general trend. Responding to rising administrative costs, plunging profits, and uninterested readership, Harvard’s graduate papers, long plagued by competition with the undergraduate Harvard Crimson and its vast staff of eager would-be journalists not yet jaded by the real world, have joined forces in a single publication. The Harvard Business School’s Harbus, the Harvard Law Record, and the Harvard Kennedy School Citizen will henceforth publish together under the banner of Harbus Law Citizen. “Harvard’s graduate school journalists will now speak with one voice,” said Harbus editor and heir to a Greek shipping fortune Weerall J. Staristocrates XIV, adding “by which I mean all five.” It is believed the new publication will combine the Harbus’ experience covering the business school party scene with the Record’s ceaseless panegyrics to Ralph Nader and the Citizen’s creative use of copious white space, earning what Staristocrates called “the ultimate cross-over readership potential”. Editors from all three papers said the merger was part of a bankruptcy agreement that took place when the papers realized they had no assets to divide among their creditors except yellowing back issues that no one had read even before the death of journalism, and some decrepit Commodore 64s. The deal was not without its casualties, but, uncommonly for layoffs under recent economic conditions, these had their upside. “Sadly,” Staristocrates said, “the Harbus was forced to release its ceremonial staff of 475 layout serfs, all of whom the editor had insisted were Merger, cont’d on pg. 2



April 1, 2010

H ARBUS Law Citizen
The Amalgamated Newspaper of Harvard’s Graduate Schools — twitter @hlcitizen

Tea Party Revealed as Postmodern Performance
Critics Hail “Brilliant Dada Spectacle of Meaningless Protest”
Manhattan’s Collegiate School and eventually NYU and Yale, where she studied theatre and graduated with an MFA. The opening act, Beck said, was August’s dramatic town hall meetings over health care, when angry seniors excoriated their representatives for potentially creating “Medicare death panels”. “Who in their right mind would actually believe this stuff?” asked Beck, whose surprising real voice consisted of BBC English lightly peppered with touches of regional dialect traceable to the area around his family’s Elizabethan manor house in West Yorkshire. In his real life, Beck toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company from 1987-1994, breaking only for a stint as a guest lecturer at Brown University’s Modern Culture and Media Department, where he taught a course on Schopenhauerian aesthetics. As the movement began to coalesce around Beck and Photos: Pargon, formatted_dad Palin, their directorial skills began to emerge in full force. The two had previously collaborated on several Chekhov productions at Lincoln Center before developing an interest in Samuel Beckett, whose nihilist sagas, they said, were the ultimate inspiration for the Tea Party conTea Party, cont’d on pg. 2

Vol. CXXX, No. 6

Students certainly did not expect what transpired when Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck agreed to “show the true face of the Tea Party movement” during an event at the Harvard School’s Kennedy John F. Kennedy, Jr. Forum on Tuesday night. But they could not say they were unhappy when the former Alaska Governor-cumRepublican Party Vice Presidential candidate and Fox News personality revealed that the movement had been an elaborate postmodern performance piece designed to demonstrate the meaninglessness of MUCHADOABOUT NOTHING modern political Above: Performers wave flags protest and the sclerosis while waiting for the next cue from it could inflict on gov- Palin and Beck. Right: One of ernment. many “metamessages” implanted “We toiled for years in the Tea Party play. on the script,” said Palin, who said that being elected Governor of Alaska and being chosen as GOP Presidential candidate John McCain’s 2008 running mate had all been part of the plan. The actress worked closely with cast members in the media to conceal her true identity: born in Great Neck, New York, she attended



No-Offered Students to Receive Tuition Refund

News Features

• New Diversity Hiring Plan • “Self Executing” Mistake • Obama Birth Certificate Found • Kagan: Any Day Now... • Congrats: Survivor Guilt • Ocean’s Replevin - HLS Heist • See back page for Real News TIRED OF OUR ANTI-ISRAEL AGENDA? E-MAIL RECORD@LAW

For the first time in HLS history, many graduating 3Ls find themselves in a situation known as the “no-offer”: having worked as summer associates at law firms following their 2L year, they ended the summer without an job offer and without any ofPhoto: Siyuan Chen, LL.M. ‘10 fers on the horizon. In response to this surprising situation, HLS administrators have decided to offer a full tuition refund to students who graduate with zero job offers. “Its really only fair,” said Mark Weber, HLS’s Assistant Dean for Career Services. “When HLS makes each student an offer to enroll in the J.D. program, that offer carries the implied promise of a $160K starting salary at a prestigious law firm immediately following a lavish post-bar exam trip. HLS is under a contractual obligation to refund the tuition of students who find themselves in the unprecedented ‘no-offer’ situation.” Dean Martha Minow agrees. “We don’t promise incoming students meaningful careers or that they’ll become the next president of the United States. We don’t promise that they’ll have a positive impact on the U.S. or the world, or that they’ll find their passion in the 3 years it takes to complete their J.D. Really the only thing we do promise is a huge corporate salary at the end of these 3 years.” The tuition refund will not extend to students seeking public interest jobs, nor to LL.M.s Asked to comment on the issue, representatives of the Office of Public Interest Advising noted that, “Everyone knows you’re not going to get the public interest job of your dreams upon graduation,” and further that “HLS students seeking to practice public interest law recognize that they could probably have earned more if they had never attended law school in the first place. A tuition reRefund, cont’d on pg. 2

“we have about 900 followers on twitter and an approximate 4 readers on campus, so this just makes sense,” the editor in chief said journalists have increasingly moved to twitter in an attempt to use the internet to amplify readership.

as prt of move to cut csts and increase rdrship, the newly formed @harbuslawcitizen announced plans thurs 2 publish exclusively in #twitter

By @twitfnatic

Newspaper to experiment with print publication in Twitter

“twitter will save journalism,” a journalism twitter expert confirmed. the move will free paper from paying website hosting costs and trim its staff to one reporter willing to churn out text in 140 char bits

the @harbuslawcitizen will be the first media outlet in the u.s. to convert exclusively to twitter, and first to publish tweets in print frm “I think this represents an important @twitter, cont’d on pg. 3

Page 2

Original Obama Birth Certificate Located at HLS
Found in Library, Birthers Seize Proof of Unconstitutional Presidency
seen birth certificates placing Obama’s birth in Mombasa, Kenya (Obama’s father was a Kenyan citizen), or other foreign locations, like Indonesia, where Obama lived as a child. The President’s political opponents occasionally mock him as a “citizen of the British Empire,” a reference to Kenya’s status in 1961, the year of his birth. screen for many Americans. In the wake of the tsunami warnings issued for the islands after the devastating earthquake in Chile in February, CNN anchor Rick Sanchez could not locate the islands on a map, instead pointing to the Galapagos, an Ecuadorian possession. The fact the Hawaii appears to float in a box next to the lower 48 American states on maps has made the location of the archipelago all the more inscrutable for America’s geographically-challenged populace. The islands’ long and complex history also makes their current political status confusing for many Americans, who are not aware of their place in the international system. A National Geographic survey released in 2008 indicated that there was a shocking correlation between those who could not attest to the system of government in Hawaii and those who believed Alaska conducted an independent foreign policy. “The evidence is now clear,” wrote a commenter on the influential conservative website Wednesday. “Obama is no American. He’s the subject of the Hawaiian king.”

Harvard Law Record

April 1, 2010

Pure Evil?

Harvard Law School librarians made a stunning discovery in a long-sealed chamber in the basement of Langdell Hall Monday night, when they indicated they had found what they believed to be a copy of President Barack Obama’s original certificate of live birth. Individuals who believe the president’s extra-American birth invalidates his presidency rapidly seized on the document as further proof for their claims, flocking to courts to seek injunctions on a number of executives orders and bills recently signed into law, including the vaunted health care reform act. HLS archivists said that the birth certificate was “no doubt” the original copy submitted by the sitting President upon his enrollment in the law school in 1988. Although copies of the President’s birth certificate have long been posted online and certified by government officials in his home state, many doubt the provenance of the document, claiming that the online document is merely a “certificate of live birth” rather than a “birth certificate”. Others claim to have Tea Party, cont’d from pg. 1


These so-called “birthers” were stunned but unfazed with the Harvard Law School copy of the birth certificate pointed them not to Kenya, Indonesia, or some other site of speculation, but the Pacific Island chain of Hawaii. “I knew it,” wrote blogger ObamaIzaF8ke2273. “Obama was born outside the United States. We just didn’t know exactly where. Until now.” The Hawaiian Islands, which lack pro sports teams, are literally off the radar

“Obama is no American. He’s a subject of the Hawaiian King.”

Google “Solana Antichrist”
Refund, cont’d from pg. 1 fund in this situation does not make sense.” As for the LL.M. graduating class, HLS administrators state that their chances of obtaining a job in the U.S. post-graduation was always slim, regardless of the state of the economy. “Look, lets be frank here: they talk funny. That’s not something HLS can hope to change in one year.” Tuition refund forms are available online at the Student Financial Services website and in hardcopy at the SFS office on the third floor of Pound. Merger, cont’d from pg. 1

cept. “When Sarah and I were designing the set for our West End staging of ‘Waiting for Godot’,” Beck said, “we got into a heated debate about the kind of civilization that would produce the post-apocalyptic landscape where the two main characters found themselves marooned. We just traced it all backward from there, to the present day, and that’s how we derived the Tea Partiers.” The pair said they relied on renown Manhattan costume designer Duvalier Stern to produce the right sartorial flair for the movement’s followers. “Stern sent out a virtual army of interns to track and observe obese Midwestern tourists hanging out near the Empire State Building,” Palin confirmed. “They were tagged and followed like African rhinos on the Serengeti.” Then she added, “excuse me, I meant like wolves tracked from helicopters on the Alaska permafrost,” to laughter. As the months wore on, Beck and Palin realized the movement had grown stagnant, and determined to introduce a new character in the third act. “We needed a fresh face,” Beck said. “Someone relatively new to the political scene, and someone captivating.” He remembered Scott Brown from a Cosmopolitan magazine party after the nowSenator’s famous 1980s photoshoot. “He kinda stood out,” said Beck, who said the shindig was a mostly-LGBT affair. “I thought, ‘by comparison, this guy could be a Republican senator or something’. And now, thanks to our project, he is.” It was Palin who came up with the genius move to involve exactly 51% of likely registered voters in Massachusetts in the project. “I went to my friend in the American Repertory Theatre with the proposal, and she just lit up the phones,” the former Governor said. “Soon, all of Amherst

and Northampton had come out for Scott Brown.” The two assured audience members that the dramatic fight over President Barack Obama’s health care plan would be the movement’s final act. “It got a little disturbing when the Tea Party started to break the fourth wall. Real people started to join the ‘movement’, and it got a lot more angry, racist, and violent than we’d ever intended. Apparently, humanity is darker even than Beckett’s vision would suggest,” he added, to concerned nods. Beck disavowed recent homophobic and racist insults shouted at members of Congress by alleged Tea Party members. “As a third generation bi-curious man, I find that conduct contemptible,” he said. Critics hailed the “brilliant and innovative” theatrical performance of the Tea Partiers. One Harvard comparative literature professor deemed it a “brilliant Dada spectacle,” while another lauded it as “Brechtian in its exposure of social fissures…not merely absurdist, but an act of hyperrealism so vivid it would satisfy even Slavoj Zizek”. Beck and Palin left the Kennedy School sporting matching berets, and apparently told well wishers that, while they were aware they had slowed down the political process in the U.S. for several months, they welcomed President Obama’s plans for a second health care overhaul in order to implement a univerPhotos: Therealbs 2002, Pargon sal, single-payer system, as well as the closure of the prison at Guantanamo Bay and the trial of terror suspects in civilian courts. Later, the theatrical couple were spotted sharing a bubble tea at a dimly lit café up the street and, later, some suggest, even a kiss.

necessary to maintain the paper’s “high net worth” design scheme. The blow came after Harvard Business School refused to help capitalize the fledgling paper in the wake of a contributory negligence judgment that implicated it in the collapse of Lehman Brothers and AIG. “Light!” one of the HBS serfs exclaimed upon reaching the top of the basement stairs as the Harbus’ castle was emptied out following the merger. “Precious, precious light. I thought I would never see you again.” Layout will be handled by Record staffers, who reluctantly agreed to the job after the three grad school papers were unable to force any of their friends from the Graduate School of Design to miss the more drunken half of the gallery show they were attending on publication night. The papers will also consolidate in the Record’s basement offices below the Law School’s Ames Hall dormitory, or as Staristocrates characterized it, “the lowest circle of Hades, the furthest reaches of the deep.” Editors of the Citizen were asked to comment on the development, but none could be found at the time this article went to press, nor have any been known to ever really exist, ever. The paper invites readers to submit comments on its inaugural issue, as long as they promise to contribute to the next, since we are really strapped for staffers and support. No, seriously, please, write something/work for us. The next issue will debut whenever the planets align and the next Business School “networking event” ever concludes, its Law School editors miraculously find themselves with hundreds of pages less reading, and the editors of the Citizen return from their externships in countries with really low Gini coefficients and Freedom House rankings, if there ever were Citizen editors.

April 1, 2010

How Long Must I Watch and Wait?

Harvard Law Record

Nine of them. Nine Justices. And now I am just one step from ascending to that highest Pantheon. But is it possible that the tenacity of these nine jurists, their endurance in sitting for decades on end, could persist so long that my star would decline over the horizon before my destiny can be fulfilled? I made it through the gauntlets of Princeton and Harvard, went from clerkships to Chicago, made my name with Clinton and gained prestige as Dean. And now that Barack has anointed me as his emissary to the Court, I am closer than anyone else. All that remains is for any one of those nine to have some unfortunate, random thing happen, for some minor illness to worsen inexplicably, and I will take my place among the eight that remain. All it would take is the flutter of a pulmonary valve, the clogging of an artery, or the rupture of tiny blood vessel, causing a debilitating stroke. Any of these must be routine medical events, seen in any hospital every day of the week. And how many fatty meals does it take, how many salty french fries, how many tainted glasses of water before one of these events becomes a statistical inevitability? What sort of medical miracle are these people? But the absurdity only ripens the longer one considers the situation, for any slip, any crash would be enough to take one of these illuminati from their post and into the halls of history. A dropped bar of soap, picked up in haste, leaves a spot of residue that causes a foot to slip, but there's no handrail to save you, Clarence! A stale sacramental wafer, hastily dipped into the holy wine by the priest in communion, is swallowed a little too quickly, lodging at the epiglottis. Say your prayers, Samuel! Driving to a great-grand-child's first communion, a nail in the road punctures a tire, and the car spins to the right and is crushed by a tractor trailer. Addio, Antonin! And yet day in and day out they hum along in their steady routine, avoiding accidents, eschewing risk factors, and imbibing their miracle drugs to stave off that final sickness. But I can see it in their faces. Another wrinkle under the eye. A new liver spot. An enlarged goiter. An unusually pallid complexion. All these signs reveal the inexorable creep of age, the sure exhaustion of youth and vitality. And ever since Souter left for a simple life in the hills of New Hampshire, there has been an obvious discomfort among those remaining, those who realize that they are letting their last days be sapped by an oversized vanity that can do no more than extend the tenure, carve another notch in the post of history, and sign off on another opinion, another page in the Reporter. Why do they persist? What is the irrational impulse that keeps these jurists going? I can understand Roberts and Alito, and I envy Sotomayor. I might not shed a tear if it were one of them who was laid low first, but I would certainly understand their resoluteness, their tenacity. Even Thomas, appointed so young, has barely just hit his stride. He won't be as old as Stevens is now until 2038. But how can these aging relics continue to trudge along so stubbornly against the winds of fate? John Paul, Ruth, Antonin, Anthony, and even dear Stephen are all already in excess of the average life expectancy. Don't they know that they are tempting fate with each piercing interrogatory and each impassioned dissent? I can only suppose that they, like myself, were once counting the days from the other side of the line, biding their time until some other old fart would kick the bucket. And I suppose that I too will some day be in those robes, looking out at a rising pretender to my seat and despising each concerned look, every quickening of the pulse at a fit of coughing. From those lofty heights, with no more climbing the ladder of overachievement and an army of envious idolaters hemming you in, the next step is either downward, or else upward into the firmament, to ride on the wings of angels into the canon of law school doctrine. And so, like Wood, Garland, Sullivan and the rest, I will be right here, waiting for that moment, when I can step forward and ascend from the obscurity of senseless esoteric lawyering to the oracular majesty of saying what the law is, ensconsed upon the throne of jurisprudence as one of the nine. @twitter, cont’d from pg. 1 step in the evolution of human communication,” said social media (and now only) editor @HLC_ed4lyfe


Dean Announces New Hiring Policy for Ideological Diversity

Page 3

Dean Martha Minow has unveiled a new hiring policy for HLS, designed to ensure a comprehensive range of ideological orientation among the law school's faculty. The hiring policy aims to ensure that HLS's ranks will be filled by everyone from right wing war hawks to left wing socialists, America hating jihadists to tree hugging anti-capitalists, As Dean Minow explained at the March 29 town hall meeting at which the policy was unveiled, "What this faculty needs is a mix. We need to have at least one militant LGBT African-American vegan; at least one war-hawk who consistently champions obscure facts as long as they favor a preemptive and overwhelming attack; at least one Muslim professor who tentatively supports Holocaust revision; at-least one person from Alaska with only nominal schooling who knows how to kill animals." Minow's statements were met with support from the current HLS faculty members that have helped develop the new hiring criteria. Professor Charles Ogletree lauded the policy during the town hall presentation, noting, "If we're going to talk about race and justice, we need at least a few extremists on the faculty to provide the proper foil to these topics. It doesn't make sense to address these issues in a vacuum. Let's bring the debate--crazy talk and all-right into the classroom." The new ideological diversity hiring criteria is the culmination of over a decade of intensive research. The law school appointed an internal faculty board as well as hiring an outside consulting firm to determine the best way to ensure the fullest range of ideological diversity through the hiring process. "This isn't something that HLS made up off the cuff," explained Minow. "We


others were more skeptical of the paperʼs plans to publish in the 140 character format, despite its increased prominence

“itʼs basically cmprable 2 the spread of oral poetry or invention of the printing press. if #homer were alive today, he would use twitter”

4 example, some olds sd they did nt understand “computer stuff” and would be leaving readership of the student paper “2 teh students alone” “@ashtonkucher is like the @larryking of twitter,” said one anonymous 2L caught browsing the service on her smrtphone during class

editors said they knew twitter was the right move when the @hlcitizen account began to be followed by @ashtonkucher “what would we do without #twitter?” she asked. “weʼd probably have to go back to, like, #facebook or something”. then she LOLed.

in a related move, the editors said they would be abandoning the twitter format and creating an edition of the harbus law citizen for tablet “the iPad will save journalism,” a twitter tablet expert said.

Speaking to a lunch seminar held by Cambridge hobos, many of whom were the National Security Law Association, the most amused at Inhofe’s error. Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, a “I mean, this is pretty much foreign member of the Senate Foreign Rela- relations law 101,” said Jack McGrinty, tions Committee, was a begging fixture in Harshocked to discover that vard Square. “I bet he the term “self-executing” doesn’t even know the did not exactly mean what Senate has ultimate he had imagined when he treaty-making authority. voted for a new arms reWell, at least this duction treaty with Russia chump’s ignorance at earlier this year. least means that we now Inhofe, a Republican, live in a safer world, for approved the treaty on the once”. He later added, belief that the “self-exe“spare some change?” cuting” language had Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) Inhofe admitted that he been sneakily inserted by had consulted few of his members of this party in order to make GOP colleagues, let alone counsel, bethe law ineffective upon passage. fore voting on the treaty on the basis of “Wait, what?” the 75 year old law- his erroneous construction of “self-exemaker, who has served in the Senate for cuting”. He admitted that asking one of 16 years, exclaimed. “I literally thought the ranking Democrats on the commit‘self-executing’ mean that the law tee, and accepting his answer of “don’t would be dead on arrival. Well, this is you people like anything with the word embarrassing,” he admitted to the audi- ‘execute’ in it?” was probably not the ence, which consisted primarily of law proudest moment of his Senate career. students and a reasonable number of

Lawmaker: “Self-executing” Didn’t Mean What I Thought!

did a comprehensive, 10 year survey of the archetypes of American ideology. What we want are faculty who most represent the American people, here and now. HLS prepares students for leadership in the real world. The best way to do that is to make sure that every archetype--whether gay bashing Tea Party members or proletariat loving unionists--gets a chance to reach the future lawyers of America, and, importantly, the world." Student reaction at the town hall meeting was mixed. Asked to express their initial reaction upon exiting the gathering, most students interviewed by the Record were highly ambivalent. "I'm not sure why this matters," said Jennifer Stanton, 2L. "I don't really listen to the ideologies of my professors anyway. Obviously the law is supposed to be neutral. I wasn't aware that my professors had ideologies in the first place," she added. Some students, however, expressed great concern. "The last thing HLS should be is democratically representative," stated Henry James, 1L. "I don't understand the point of diversity in the first place, let alone diversity amongst the faculty, let alone ideological diversity. Harvard is an elite institution. The moment it starts seeking to reflect instead of shape the masses is the moment it begins to crumble." Minow's new hiring policy will go into effect in the 2010-2011 academic year. While the official hiring criteria are currently confidential, Minow hinted at some of the factors they would be using to assess potential new hires. "I'll give you a hint," she laughed in response to a question. "Whether or not you have a law degree is only marginally important. How many twitter followers your generate--now that is something we're going to consider."

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H ARBUS Law Citizen
EStabLiShEd MMX Matthew W. Hutchins Chris Szabla
Editors-in-Chief Staff Editors News: Rebecca Agule Opinion: Jessica Corsi Sports: Mark Samburg Contributors Ekstreem Azwhol William R. Harvearst Joe N.S. Indiana General Kagan Patria Tizum @twitfnatic
Submit Letters and Editorials to:

NW Corner Project Halted Due to Poor Workmanship

Harvard Law Record

April 1, 2010

Letters and opinion columns will be published no matter what you write or even if it is incoherent. We are so desparate for your submissions that we will basically print any rant you want to send us. or Harvard Law Record Harvard Law School Cambridge, MA 02138-9984

The Harbus Law Citizen is a completely false entity. The Harbus name has been used without permission. The Harvard Law School name and shield are idicia of an alliance with the secret rosicrucian order of the eternal crusaders who dominate world politics. Void where prohibited, no purchase necessary. Expiration date: 5/5/10

Rede ning “Eat What You Kill”
Ba g h da d Du ba i G a za H e br o n I s la ma b a d J e r u s a l em J u ba Kab ul Kanda har Khart o um Mo s u l Ne w Y o r k

Despite public declarations that the fluctuation of the value of Harvard’s endowment would have no impact on the Law School’s construction plans for the Northwest Corner’s WassersteinCaspersen complex, progress on the massive structure has ground to a halt over recent weeks due to apparent workmanship defects caused by costcutting strategies and faulty materials.


The problems first began to be obvious when even before the last high steel was in place there were some loadbearing beams displaying signs of decay and deformation. Upon inspection it was revealed that several of the beams had been taken from a salvage yard and were originally part of the World Trade Center at Ground Zero in New York City. The beams had been purchased through a competitive bidding process, and the contract approved by the HLS administration without knowledge of the steel’s source. When Dean Minow learned of the situation she asked that the entire construction site be evacuated, that the beams in question be removed and preserved for historic purposes, and that a full inspection of the site for other defects be conducted. In the course of inspecting the partially completed site, inspectors found the concrete work had been done with extremely poor materials. As the inspectors were on their way to report the problem, part of the structure collapsed, falling through the temporary sidewalk cover facing Everett Street and causing serious injury to a law student, Larisa Yaitsa ‘10, on her way to Starbucks. Yaitsa was rushed to the hospital, where she was in critical condition for several days. By the second day she had regained consciousness and was responding well to treatment, but on the fourth day her leg began showing signs of an infection that would require surgery. During the operation, there were complications with the anesthesia, and though the surgery was successful in stopping the infection, Yaitsa has not yet awoken from a coma and is expected to have severe brain damage. An inquiry by Dean Minow into the situation revealed that although there had not been any official changes in the construction plans, the Vice Dean for Campus Construction, Akimbe Ogwala, had entered into a new contract for concrete supplies from company

owned by a cousin in his native country. The substandard concrete was not suitable for the heavy steel construction, leading to a fatal structural deficiency when combined with the shoddy steel. Ogwala was unavailable for comment, having taken a sabbatical in his home country. While the investigation into the matter was in its course, Massachusetts was suddenly hit by a series of record rainstorms, and with no personel on site for weeks, the gradual filling of the underground parking structure with water from a rupture in the surrounding slurry wall went unnoticed. As the five levels of the parking structure gradually became a massive underground reservoir, threatening to rupture the narrow wall separating the structure from the Red Line subway tunnel. By the time the HLS administration became aware of the situation it was necessary to undertake emergency measures to pump the water out of the structure through an impromptu pipeline to the Charles River. During the irrigation it became obvious that there were an abundance of chemicals in the waste water, causing a strange color and odor. Analysis by the Harvard chemistry labs confirmed not only the presence of high concentrations of dry cleaning chemicals from nearby businesses, but also heavy metals and radioactive isotopes. Despite the environmental concerns, Dean Minow ordered the irrigation of the water into the Charles to continue, out of concern that a rupture of the subway tunnel could result in massive loss of life. Attorneys from the City of Cambridge were able to obtain an injunction preventing Harvard from further release of contaminated water into the Charles, and they informed the University that they would be submitting a complaint to the EPA regarding violations of the Clean Water Act.

Far Left: Due to shoddy workmanship, a portion of the concrete and steel edifice of the NW Corner collapsed; Above: Recent heavy rains flooded the new parking structure, releasing hazardous waste and at the same time threatening the subway. Left: Compromises in quality have led HLS to abandon a stone exterior and instead opt for antique stucco once construction resumes.

April 1, 2010

Harvard Law Record

Page 5

OCEAN’S REPLEVIN Parody 2010 Stages an HLS Heist
Dean Minow lampooned in quest to recover purloined endowment, recovers funds in poker game
The time-honored Harvard tradition of poking fun at everything and everyone at least once a year was shown to be alive and well at this year’s parody show, Ocean’s Replevin. This year’s parody provided an absurdist window into the psyche of the law school and all its oddities, dysfunction, and angst. Starring Stacylyn Dewey ‘10 as Dean Minow, Ocean’s Replevin revolved around a plot to steal the HLS endowment, a reflection of the angst of those 3L’s who entered anticipating smooth sailing into a law firm job only to capsize on the waters of the bad economy. But after stealing a giant game-show check from Langdell, the thieves had to hide the cash somewhere, and where better than at Yale? The stock-in-trade of the Parody is its outrageous musical numbers that convert esoteric law school jargon and social dysfuction into pop dance routines. This year’s tunes included “Kissed by BY MATTHEW W. HUTCHINS

The Scholar System

Above: Dean Minow (Stacylyn Dewey '10) and Dean Cosgrove (Amy Reed '10) interrogate Mary Ocean (Anna Biegelsen '12) and Professor Nesson (Jason Meyer '11); Below: “Don’t Stop Achieving”; Bottom Right: Josh Gruenspecht '10 (also head writer) raps during "Yale"

a Prof.” (“Kiss from a Rose”, Seal), “Don’t Stop Achieving” (Don’t Stop Believin’, Journey), , and “Westlaw” (“Just Dance”, Lady Gaga). As a graduating 3L, I watched this year with a bit of wistfulness for the crass brashness of the parody of two years ago, before the economy crashed. Aside from having already become a bit jaded to the references to the 1L curriculum, to me this year’s show felt more full of tension and anxiety, likely a product of the changing times. But I was impressed by the excellent performances by the people I have come to know over the last three years. To a casual observer, the parody might be little more than an amateur comedy production, but this show, hatched each year from the caffeine-addled minds of our talented colleagues, is an outlet for so much of what we carry with us through the year but are unable to articulate amidst the stress of the daily grind. And as dysfunctional as it is, this is part of what holds HLS together.

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weren’t informed about it by the alumni magazine. But you won’t think about these things for very long. In the old days, we were flush enough to bring in consultants to help bright young things deal with the fact that the telos of their high octane, extra extracurricular-fueled adrenaline rush through adolescence and early adulthood was a cell-like office with no view, shared with another dejected victim of diminished expectations. They talked about family and how it could help balance an unsatisfying work life (not that we’d ever think it was acceptable to ignore your vibrating BlackBerry when baby was in distress), or played up the different “lifestyle choices” of mergers and acquisitions versus capital markets practice as if there were a real distinction. My favorite was the paralegal who came to us from i-banking and decided to leave the Financial Times’ “How to Spend It” magazine around the office, allowing associates to daydream about what they would be doing with all the free time we never allowed them to have. We even had a billing code for it. Pacing the office at night, I’d come across a second-year associate, eyes practically raccoon-like from lack of sleep, hands jittery from all the caffeine consumed to maintain the momentum of doc review. He’d be gazing wistfully, with what little energy he had left, at the glossy pages of “How to Spend It,” imagining he’d partied away his graduate education in business school and was actually able to bail from the office at 6:30, like some kind of sales-rep troglodyte. “Oh, you want a boat?” I’d ask, and the beleaguered plebe would look up, encouraged by my effort to engage him in human conversation, a slight smile beginning to emerge from his weary façade. “Well,” I’d then deadpan, “maybe it’d get you to the deposition you’re supposed to do in Hong Kong. In 12 hours.” Then I’d hand him the ticket and remind him how unfortunate it would be if he didn’t make like that famous Cravath associate and take advantage of the International Date Line to bill more than 24 hours that day. I’d remind him that the Cravath associate in question had managed to ascend to the heights of senior associate on that whim alone. Those were the times that stirred men’s souls! Now I’d just remind my hapless charges that said associate still has a job – though just barely. As a contract attorney. In a basement. In Fargo.

Harvard Law Record

April 1, 2010

On behalf of the fellow members of your employer, our most prestigious law firm, we wanted to offer a heartfelt congratulations to you, incoming associates of the Class of 2010! You’re now only a month or two away from the end of your academic lives. Take a breather, enjoy your victory lap, and blow your savings on that extravagant bar trip to the new Club Med in Goa; when you check your account balance after that, you will only relish discovering the date that you will be beginning of your bondage to Me, LLP. And I may or may not mean literal bondage, but I don’t think it would be a good career move for you to ask. Trust me, we have work waiting for you. It may not be substantive. It may not be billable. We may use these facts to later turn you out on the street, with insufficient experience to make a lateral move, and literally no other recourse in this economy but your state’s rapidly dwindling unemployment funds. After all, did you think we were going to keep you around, hiking your pay when there’s always a fresh new crop of 3Ls being grown somewhere in this great country? As long as America continues opening more law schools, your stock will keep going south. Sorry. But take heart. You’re among the lucky ones. We know all about your friends – deferred ad infinitum, no-offered entirely, forced to beg for jobs at Human Rights First or some other vanity project that’s been pretty happy to pay J.D.s in “experience”. Take a moment to think about whether you’d toss some pennies to your failed classmate when he’s lying face-down in the gutter and reeking of the stench of cheap whiskey. Of course you wouldn’t. I mean, you did choose to take a firm job. That’s just not the kind of person you are. Oh, but the guilt – the guilt will be bad. You’ll shed some tears over the lost comrade from study group whose promising gunning seemed destined to land him a seat on an Appellate Court, at least. You’ll wonder why the girl who won the Sears Prize that one year now shows up to reunions with an 87 year old scion of the Astor family and lists her profession as “homemaker”. You may think you recognize that Starbucks barista, mall janitor, or “sanitation engineer”. But then you’ll shake your head and say “nah”. Harvard Law grads sunk so low? Impossible. I mean, you definitely

Sorry, Class of 2010. We can’t afford those sort of sundry amusements anymore. Ditto the ordered-in meals and cab rides home. But there’s a Subway around the corner, and a subway beneath your feet! Funny how one word, capitalized differently, can take care of so many of your needs. Speaking of which, you had better not fail to capitalize the right words on the first memo you prepare for one of our clients. After all, you all said on your resumes that you were “senior editors” of your respective journals, and if you haven’t memorized the Bluebook as well as a Christian fundamentalist militiaman has memorized the Bible, well, you’re dead weight, son. And I do mean son: the clients are no longer paying for the ink it takes to make all our inter-office communications gender neutral anymore. Not every quality of life provision is so costly, you say? Wrong. Casual Fridays? Over. We’re not chasing pots of gold at the end of magic rainbows; we’re lawyers, and we need to look professional. Buy a suit or two. Italian only. I’m talking to you, kid from out of his league who wore a Jos. A. Bank outfit to his exit interview. Don’t like it? There’s a homeless shelter down the street, and I’m definitely not telling you that because you’re allowed to use your pro bono hours volunteering there. And don’t forget that, should you complain, there’s a pretty angry crowd of pitchfork-wielding crazies willing to knife you for daring to compare long hours spent in our marble hallways to your own private Gulag Archipelago. Yes, you’re between a rock and a hard place. But you do get $160k for the privilege. And with that, I’ll turn it over to your financial services representatives, who I understand are very interested in talking to you about that outstanding debt on your student loans. Ekstreem Azwhol is managing partner of his eponymous firm and an esteemed alumnus of Harvard Law School, where he won the Sears Prize, the Fay Diploma, served as President of the Law Review, Grand Wizard of the Federalist Society, and was deemed “the crown prince of egomaniacal chauvinism” by the editrix-in-chief of the Journal of Law & Gender. He clerked for Justice Scalia and was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by George W. Bush for his service to American ideals.

Freeman, cont’d from pg. 8 ident’s personal intervention.” She called it, “the first ever international agreement from both developing economies and developed economies to all commit to reducing greenhouse gas emissions and for the first time to agree to a target of no more than two degrees of temperature change as a guide to mitigation.” Speaking from her experience as a White House insider, Freeman noted that lawyers play a critical part in the proper functioning of the government. When in a room with a consultant who is most concerned with the “theory of the case” and an economist who is searching for the “market failure that justifies intervention”, the lawyer’s role becomes one of identifying the institutional constraints to action. On some occasions, she admitted, this required a quick reminder that something might not be constitutional. “It’s really important to say no sometimes. It’s equally important to say YES when you can. I was in many a conversation, negotiation, or meeting in which what was really valuable was creative thinking about how you could get to yes.” The lawyers that are in demand, she said, are the ones who can restrain their impulse to say no, come up with creative solutions, negotiate and lead meetings effectively, and reach the desired outcome. Returning to academia, Freeman said that she will try to avoid regaling her students with too many war stories from Washington, but that she has learned some important lessons regarding the skills

that are needed to be effective in government. The most important skill, from her perspective, is adaptability. But speed is also crucial, especially when the task at hand requires you to “get the information, distill it, put it in four bullets, and send it up the chain.” Government work also requires a wide range of writing skills, including not only legal and policy briefs, but also talking points, executive orders, and legislative language, skills that she noted are not prerequisites for teaching at Harvard Law School. Dean Minow asked whether it becomes dysfunctional when a large number of agencies all have a connection to a single issue, a question which clearly stirred up in Prof. Freeman some rich memories. She expressed some agreement with the sense that there are long-standing turf battles in Washington between different committees in Congress, agencies with different priorities, and recalcitrant career agency staffers who disagree with temporary appointees, as well as unpredictable exogenous factors as random as the weather, all of which can influence the likelihood of progress being made on legislation. But she also expressed hope that despite the intricacies of power structures, legal disputes, and political maneuvering, magic can happen and agreements are possible. “It was like six dimensional chess, and when it all came together, it was one of those magic moments.”


thought that the function of a regulator could be fulfilled by a quality certification system, and she said that she even worked to develop something like the Underwriters Laboratories method of guaranteeing the quality of financial assets. But she said that in her experience, bank executives that initially found the idea of transparent disclosures appealing would ultimately resist change, fearing that, “People wouldn’t use credit cards if they knew how much they really cost.” Indeed, according to Prof. Warren, even banking industry representatives have advocated the creation of a separate consumer finance regulator, have admitted that many of their own practices are difficult to understand, and have expressed concern that some financial products should be flatly prohibited. Questions about the final shape of a consumer finance regulator or the time frame for its creation remain unanswered, but Prof. Warren said that now is the right time – in the wake of a financial crisis and while the economy remains weak – to get an agency in place. Whether it sets forth pre-approved “plain vanilla” financial product contracts as she has envisioned or merely acts as a single body to concentrate political accountability for regulatory authority over consumer lending, Prof. Warren said that she sees the creation of a new agency as a way of creating a “keeper of the flame” in Washington. “If what you care about is family economic security, there’s no place there.”

Warren, cont’d from pg. 8

April 1, 2010

Announcing Next Year’s Record Board... ???
The Editors-in-Chief of the Harvard Law Record Invite You to Join the Following as a Contributor:

Harvard Law Record

Page 7

Barack Obama ‘91 Ralph Nader ‘58 Richard Posner ‘62 James Alan McPherson* ‘68 James B. Stewart* ‘76
* - Winner of the Pulitzer Prize

With less than a month remaining in our last year, the Editors-in-Chief of the Harvard Law Record are still looking for students interested in running Harvard Law School’s student newspaper after we graduate.

Chris Szabla and I have both enjoyed our time running the newspaper, and we have found it incredibly rewarding. During our time here, we have had photos or stories used by the websites of The Economist, Time, Vanity Fair, Harper’s, Al-Jazeera, and other newspapers and magazines. We have written dozens of stories, and over two years have published thirty-three installments in a publication that has been running for sixty-four years, since 1946.

Glad you asked! Writers and editors are certainly needed, but there is more to run ning a newspaper than that. You could do:

What Can I do for the Record ?

Or write a column on a special subject:

Photography Cartoon Drawing Business Management Organizing Events Web Publication Graphic Design Advertising Hobnobbing with Ralph Nader

We hope that the next generation of editors will continue to change the shape of journalism at HLS, using the Internet in innovative ways to reach out beyond Cambridge to speak to the over 30,000 people a month that visit our website.

The possibilities are ENDLESS!

Restaurant Reviews Gossip and Local Humor Interviews with Faculty In-depth Coverage of Clinicals

And in case you are worried about being Googled by an employer, don’t! Chris and I are both comfortably employed. Running a paper shows that you can handle deadlines and makes you a much better writer! - Matthew W. Hutchins

Send an e-mail to RECORD @ LAW. HARVARD . EDU for more information!

The electoral victory of President Barack Obama ‘91 in 2008 brought the inevitably bittersweet departure of many of the brightest stars at HLS for top posts


in Washington, including Dean Elena Kagan ‘86, Prof. Cass Sunstein, Prof. Dan Meltzer ‘75, Prof. David Barron ‘94, and until recently, Prof. Jody Freeman LL.M. ‘91, S.J.D. ‘95. But after more than a year of service at the White House as Counselor for Energy and Climate Change, Prof. Freeman has returned to HLS to teach environmental and administrative law and to share her experience. As part of the Dean’s Views from Washington Series, Prof. Freeman spoke on March 23rd about the excitement of being directly involved in shaping national policy and the complicated process of taking the White House agenda from the drawing board to the halls of Congress. She contrasted academia to government, saying that as a professor you have much greater freedom to choose your own projects and work within your specialty, but that you have very little influence over the course of policy, and she expressed satisfaction at getting a chance to roll up her sleeves and put her knowledge to work. “It’s not very often you get to go into government and do that thing you have been writing about for 15 years.” Within the White House, Freeman said that reality is not so different from what you might see on televi-

Harvard Law Record
The Independent Newspaper at Harvard Law School
April 2, 2010 — twitter @hlrecord

Vol. CXXX, No. 6

“I can’t tell you the number of times I turned to somebody and said ‘This is just like the West Wing!’”

What is the highest actual interest rate that you pay on a credit card? What would it take to bring a lawsuit against the issuer if they cheated you? What would happen if you missed a payment on your student loans? If you own a house, how much will the mortgage cost you over its lifetime? If you think you can answer these questions, Elizabeth Warren thinks you are probably wrong. Prof. Warren captured national headlines as the head of the Congressional Oversight Panel for the Troubled Asset Relief Plan, appeared on Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show, and was on Time Magazine’s list of the 100 Most Influential People of 2009. Now she is fighting to bring transparency and accountability to American consumer finance, and with bills in the House and the Senate, she hopes the creation of a Consumer Financial Protection Agency will become a major legislative priority during the run-up to this year’s midterm elections. Speaking at Harvard Law School on March 30th, she outlined why we need a new agency to regulate consumer financial products and how such an agency should change the way we think about consumer lending. According to Prof. Warren, the current regulatory regime is fundamentally deficient because it is not comprehensive enough to stop evasive lenders from side-stepping a regulatory net that is cast by seven separate banking regulators, none of which is charged with


Warren wants loans treated like products, not contracts, in new, comprehensive regime
the primary responsibility over consumer finance. Federal consumer finance regulation has to this point worked by imposing a series of unconnected restrictions without laying out a comprehensive statutory framework. lawyers to understand. Long credit agreements with complicated provisions like stepped-in teaser rates, sixteen pages of small print, and “double reverse half twist” interest calculation make it impossible to compare, side-by-

New Paradigm, New Agency Needed to Protect Consumers

sion. “I can’t tell you the number of times I turned to somebody and said ‘This is just like the West Wing!’” Freeman had no shortage of high pressure situations in the course of advising Carol Browner and helping to coordinate executive action on climate change, draft historic greenhouse gas legislation, and work to build the legislative coalition needed to bring a climate change bill to a vote in Congress. Prof. Freeman praised the Obama administration for the many things like healthcare reform it has already accomplished and for the bold legislative objectives it is still working to fulfill. During her time at the White House, major environmental initiatives included the historic infrastructure and renewable energy investments of the Recovery Act, the toughest fuel efficiency standards ever, the first greenhouse emissions standards for cars and trucks, and a successful House vote on the climate change bill. “The administration has laid the groundwork... for a transition to a clean energy economy.” Freeman also expressed strong support for the Copenhagan agreement. “I would describe it as wresting victory from the jaws of defeat through the PresFreeman, cont’d on pg. 6

“This is like putting down fence posts on the prairie with nothing between them. Anyone that hires a lawyer can just step right or left and avoid hitting one.” Warren said that the core problem is that the credit agreements for almost all consumer lending arrangements are far too complicated for even contract

Prof. Elizabeth Warren spoke at HLS to explain why a comprehensive regulatory structure is necessary to create transparency in consumer lending

side, the price of financial products in the same class or understand the rights granted to each party. “This is all about obscuring the risk associated with these financial instruments.” Warren believes that these agreements should be simplified to a two-page term sheet that a high-school level reader could understand with 95% comprehension.

“Whenever the consumer can’t price the item, we’ve got a broken market.” According to Prof. Warren, the current “tricks-and-traps” model of banking has evolved in the wake of a series of changes in federal preemption that made it possible for national banks to take advantage of the permissive lending laws in states like South Dakota and Delaware. Usury laws, which date back to biblical times and the book of Deuteronomy, have thus lost their effectiveness, and with states curtailed from enforcing maximum interest rates, banks have navigated the array of federal regulatory regimes by devising complex provisions like double-cycle billing that will go unnoticed by most consumers but that generate large amounts of fees. Prof. Warren sees past efforts at regulating consumer lending as misconceiving of the entire problem. “This is not contract law. These are products.” She likened the need for a consumer finance regulator to the need for a body that ensures the safety of pharmaceuticals, food products, clean water, or toys for children. Like the manufacturers of toasters, Warren said that banks should be forced to meet certain standards of reliability before a product can be put on the market, and that instead of foisting tricks-and-traps and ticking time bombs upon their customers, banks should be required to compete with the most visible and understandable components of a loan. Warren admitted that she herself once Warren, cont’d on pg. 6