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PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.

UK

Empty nest: The truth about leaving home and being left

J U LY 2 0 14 £ 3 . 9 0

SMART
FOOD

ANGELINA
JOLIE

The new
creative,
clean way
to eat

On embracing
the dark side

+

DRUNK
ON LIFE

HOW TO:

The joy of a
wild night out

Make a
decision
O Keep a
promise
O Forgive
someone
O

18-PAGE SPECIAL

Everlasting

E

MAKE IT WORK: COUPLES SHARE THEIR SECRETS
DO IT NOW: IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP INSTANTLY
+ TEST: ARE YOU TRULY DEVOTED OR JUST TOO NEEDY?

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CONTENTS
J U LY 201 4

* COVER STORY

REGULARS
9 EDITOR’S LET TER
10

LET TERS

11

I’D LIKE TO THANK …

1 3 THE FIX
24 HOW TO LOOK LIKE YOURSELF
Cover: Angelina Jolie by Cliff
Watts/Trunk Archive

1 4 0 STOCKISTS
1 4 6 SALLY BR AMP TON

Why we do no good by raging
at the dying of the light

26 * THE FILM CLUB

Angelina
Jolie
“To be of service
to others creates
a happier life”

72 * THE DOSSIER

The secrets to
enduring love

PHOTOGRAPH: ELLIOTT ERWITT/MAGNUM PHOTOS

FEATURES

See page 46
for this month’s
subscriptions offer

32

*

Ever wonder what happened
to the party girl you once were?
Eleanor Tucker’s makes the
occasional reappearance…

74

ALWAYS AND FORE VER We look
at the latest research on lasting love
in the 21st century and discover the
ingredients for healthy, happy romance

36

MARY FENWICK

79

LIVING ON THE EDGE How living
more spontaneously can improve
our relationships, and life in general

38

*

THE POWER OF A PROMISE

80

DANCING ON YOUR OWN One size

45

*

MIND E XPERIMENT

82

48

SHARED VALUES

JOY OF A MAD NIGHT OUT

Our wise woman tackles some
more of your questions
Kate Graham examines how
keeping to our commitments
can change the way we live

Exercising forgiveness can
improve your mental wellbeing
– and also your physical health
Outspoken journalist Lynn Barber
tells us what she believes

86

doesn’t fit all when it comes to love.
Helen Croydon says ‘screw the
fairytale’ – if that’s what you want
TOGETHER FORE VER

Three women tell us what they believe
will make love endure
TEST: HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED
E ACH OTHER? Identify your own

attachment style and see if it helps
you find balance in your relationship

J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 3

............................... PHONE NUMBER ............ She tells us how… E VENTS Join us at one of our Psychologies gatherings....................... They may even be able to deliver to your home – just ask! PLEASE RESERVE/DELIVER PSYCHOLOGIES ON A REGULAR BASIS STARTING WITH ISSUE _________ TITLE ........... Last month............................. Complete this form and give it to your local shop.  ............... this month................... model and mum Natalia Vodianova What do you do if you discover your partner is looking at pornography online? 107 LET US CL AY ARE YOU HAVING A L AUGH? 109 BE AUT Y NOTES Martha Roberts says Whoopee cushions and TV comedies play a part in training her brain for happiness................................... The wonder of clay-based beauty products 1 28 134 Why French cooking is undergoing a revolution We challenge the authors of Honestly Healthy to show us how to have a nourishing week Amerley Ollennu examines the link between poor sleep and stress-induced eating Meet our new nutrition columnist Eve Kalinik MY HOME We visit craft blogger and author Jane Brocket LIVING Try a little pairing of the old and the new TR AVEL Unexpected Brazil.................. ADDRESS..................................POSTCODE ......... FIRST NAME ............................. plus we’re getting authentic with Sarah Abell – come and see us there If you can’t always find a copy of this magazine help is at hand.......................... They’ll arrange for a copy of each issue to be reserved for you........... ........................................... even if we’re not the boss 65 * 66 ESTHER PEREL 68 90 93 THE BOOST 10 0 WORK E XPERIMENT Learn how to avoid decision fatigue and you’ll get more done...................................................CONTENTS J U LY 201 4 FEATURES 56 59 60 * THE EMP TIED NEST Four writers talk about leaving home – and what it’s like to be the one left behind ILONA BONIWELL Our family expert outlines the secrets to having a hassle-free family holiday LOVE E XPERIMENT Sarah Abell explains why it takes only one person to change a relationship 94 IT’S YOGA ..... says Oliver Burkeman 10 4 Exploring Tulamassage and Tulayoga Embrace change as spring turns into summer DO I RE ALLY NEED IT ? It can be hard to keep up with the pace of beauty trends – and do we even need to anyway? BE AUT Y PROFILE Fundraiser.... BUT NOT AS YOU KNOW IT UNLE ASH YOUR INNER LE ADER 99 WELLBEING NOTES Author Les McKeown says we can all be a leader at work............. we learned how to get productive........... plus a weekend in Morocco PHOTOGRAPH: YUKI SUGIURA 50 ......... 4 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 The ideal pep-me-up products for summer 111 THE RETREAT 112 * TAKING LIBERTIES 118 * FOOD DIARY 122 * BR AIN FOOD 123 * NUTRITION NOTES 1 24 SURNAME .......................

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I’m a Visionary. straight from the oven. is always fun.’ Raffaella Barker is the author of seven acclaimed novels including her new book. we had a talent whose expertise in both interiors and craft shoots made her the perfect match for Jane’s yarn and quilt-filled existence. ‘I have no ambitions to be the boss. I felt like the egg timer had been turned upside down and before too long every grain of sand would be gone. We always knew that mothers and daughters writing about the moment when a child leaves home was going to be moving.com/create_your_english Contributors Meet three of the people who have taken part in this issue of Psychologies Penny Wincer Photographer Raffaella Barker Novelist More tears were shed over our ‘The Emptied Nest’ feature this month than over any other. But I often help things along on a small scale – such as clearing up a disagreement between friends. but the quiet sniffles got louder as the piece moved along. 6 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 Our ‘My Home’ shoot. £16.’ says Elizabeth. although I don’t always know how to while away a bank holiday without them.’ she says. Writing as a mother whose two boys have departed. ‘My own definition of home is having the perfect spot to drink that early morning cup of tea. ‘I don’t seek power.’ says Penny. Elizabeth Heathcote Journalist Are you a natural leader? Elizabeth Heathcote. Raffaella Barker tells the final story in the piece (page 50). who welcomed us into a real home – full of colour.99). visit them. I love being able to travel more. ‘I love ideas. This issue we met fascinating craft blogger and author Jane Brocket. and revert to stretched-out sofa life with them if I want. life and warm buns. ‘When my first son left. ‘At heart. From A Distance (Bloomsbury. where we nose around someone’s private retreat each month to discuss what home means to them.выложено группой vk.’ she says. Psychologies’ contributing features editor.’ McKeown also identifies different styles of leader – find out what type you are on page 60 and to get tips on how the different types can understand each other better.’ See her work in living colour on page 124. as well as retreat from the world. ‘Shooting homes is my real passion. didn’t think she was – until she discovered business speaker and author Les McKeown’s new theories about what the word means. But hopefully I also have enough Operator about me to get things done!’ . ‘But now. without having to be in charge of bedtimes and homework. It’s a constantly evolving canvas that represents life as it is now and a place where you can pour your creative energies into. taking a lead in a crisis – and I now realise that is leadership. And in photographer Penny Wincer. too.

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Read Martha Roberts’ piece on page 68 and discover how you literally can train your brain for happiness by seeking out all those things that make you roar with laughter. not only to how you feel but to how others feel. spontaneous acts of kindness – be it a surprise cup of tea or inviting your other half to play hookey for half an hour away from the kids – are the things that really make love last. A lot. with three million breeding emails waiting to be answered and all the ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ standing at the door tapping their watch? This summer. Take part in our ‘bed-time hour’ experiment with Night School author Professor Richard Wiseman on page 21 – our book club choice for July. Why not join us in transforming our lives by simply closing our eyes? Visit psychologies. Out loud. too. joyful things that make a difference. with Oscar leisurely summer. Forget the stupid bikini diets – let’s seek out the foods that nourish us. the office dog выложено группой vk.uk to find out more. please can we step off the treadmill. food diaries and nutrition page. ‘Maybe we all need that release. I want to create an alternative universe where revelry rules. on page 32. kick off our shoes and swill some good old-fashioned joy around our lives this summer? Is it me or can life sometimes feel like one long to-do list. let’s get drunk… on life! And by that I mean.’ And instead of focusing on the anxieties that peck at our brains at night.’ says Eleanor Tucker.EDITOR’S LETTER PHOTOGRAPH: LIBI PEDDER Let’s fill our glasses The sun is out. fun-filled. Check out The Retreat. It’s the silly. Editor. we can climb into bed and sleep it off. it’s on the nights when wine flows and nobody looks at the clock and the laughter rings the loudest that we all open up a bit more. Our 18-page Dossier this month shows us how the small.co. starting on page 111 with our new expanded food section. Then after we’ve had our fun. Let’s raise a glass (anyone for a healthy green Suzy Greaves smoothie? See page 118) to a lovely long. let’s just laugh. Revelry doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive.com/create_your_english . Instead of hunching over our computer screens. let’s gather our friends together and have a wild night out: ‘After all.

but after reading your article. Miscarriage is a difficult concept. but the love they receive from the keepers is evident from the way the animals snuggle up when it’s time for feeding.co. Please send keepers feeding an your photo attached in an email to pictures@ orphaned elephant psychologies. and was feeling isolated and raw. DEADLINE: 30 JUNE* 10 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 . I had just miscarried for the fourth time.feedback Viewpoint Let us know what you think of the magazine and each month we’ll publish the best letters STA R LETTER THE ARMOUR’S OFF ‘Take off your armour’ (May) struck a chord with me. Ciara ARE YOU AN ASPIRING PHOTOGRAPHER? PHOTO COMPETITION WINNER Would you like to showcase your talents in the magazine and online? Each month. but badly judged remarks. I realised the people I really needed to reach out to were my own friends and family.uk the following month and THEME: ENDURING LOVE I took this photo of the winner gets a bag of goodies! The theme one of the dedicated for our next issue is ‘ADVENTURE’. when I visited an elephant orphanage in Kenya.co. So I told them to read my blog and the responses have been so kind and supportive. we’re asking you to submit your best photograph on a particular theme. I started a blog in the hope of finding women who were in the same position.uk by midnight on 30 June. Linda Belcher E FOR THE NEXT PHOTO COMPETITION IS‘ADVENTURE’. We’ll print the winning one in the next issue of Psychologies and on psychologies. it’s tricky to know what to say and I’ve been hurt by well-meant. The elephants WIN! THIS MONTH’S STAR LETTER AND PHOTO COMPETITION PRIZE: are traumatised when they arrive at the site.

50. fortune. and I engaged in your plays. you just took charge. I sat by your river. it was great to read about ‘safe’ sites to check out female-friendly porn. gazing at images of Parisian streets. I just wanted to be alone. Thank you! Kate I’ve always loved you.CO. realising that the culture of the city I lived in had become my religion. I started by taking time off to explore you. BIO-EXCELLENCE NATURALIFT YOUTHFUL DAY CREAM 40ML. I climbed back up to health.UK. SEE PSYCHOLOGIES. Sometimes I sat and listened to audiotapes explaining the lives of Impressionist painters and it was there. its nourishment feeding far more than an empty stomach. SHUTTERSTOCK. £36. helping me do that in your own quiet way.CO. First. They have to get to know you first. The knock-on effect is astonishing. showed the trike tour article to my husband. on those simple museum benches that I understood most beauty came from a point of pain.UK J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 11 . real people portraying real lives in real time. made some face moisturiser. So thank you. I ate your food. JUNE 2014 £3 90 UK EDITION 9 JENNIFER LAWRENCE BEST SPAS On fame. I wondered where they were going and if they were really as busy as they thought they were. You didn’t ask any questions. Kat Society: Why eating together will change the world PSYCHOLOG ES CO UK PHOTOGRAPHS: LINDA BELCHER. £29. I absorbed the myriad paintings you offered for free. *FOR FULL T&CS. BIO-EXCELLENCE NATURALIFT YOUTHFUL NIGHT CREAM 40ML. **BIO-EXCELLENCE NATURALIFT YOUTHFUL EYE CONTOUR 15ML. my medicine. People say you can be lonely in London. I saw a different facet to you three years ago. winked back at the glistening waves and walked its length. my mood has lifted and I feel mentally stimulated. After all. for bringing me back to life.I’d like to THIS MONTH’S W IN INSPIRED TO LEARN YOU’RE A MIND-READER! The May issue had everything I needed. watching your people. I had no idea where to look without being bombarded with things I didn’t want to see! I also booked onto two free courses through FutureLearn. £38 I can’t thank you enough for ‘The eternal student’ (May). for the first time in months. golden flowers and Titian treasures. They whisked me away and diluted some of my anguish. I was born in your clutches. when someone close to me died. by asking them to find me all the fragrances. but I know now. helping to build the blocks of the new me. I laughed then. It’s great to see a magazine with thoughtful and intellectual articles. and ripped out the entire perfume article to make a shop assistant’s day (poor thing). London. I had lost myself and all the happiness that was once attached to me drained away. and falling down EROTIC INTELLIGENCE Has your libido left the building? 18-PAGE SPECIAL Be lucky Holidays for body & soul + The secrets to HAPPY LIVING O O O GIVE MORE CARE LESS GET A DOG THRIVE: 7 WAYS TO LIVE A CHARMED LIFE SEIZE THE DAY: WHY FORTUNE FAVOURS THE BRAVE + TEST: QUICK! ARE YOU MISSING YOUR BIG CHANCE? IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO THANK? SHARE YOUR LETTER OF GRATITUDE BY SENDING IT TO LETTERS@PSYCHOLOGIES. I walked your streets at different times of the day. But like many relationships. I came across the article on a day where I was alone for the first time in over two years with no parental or spousal responsibilities and I didn’t know what to do with myself! I decided to research adulteducation courses and I’ve enrolled with the Open University and have started a fictionwriting course. By befriending you.

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and it runs in London from 30 May to 14 July.uk J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 13 . shown here. whose work includes ‘Disclosure’. the UK’s largest graduate art.The Fix News I Reviews I Books I EDITED BY ALI ROFF Film I Art I Ideas Everybody is talented because everybody who is human has something to express” BRENDA UELAND Free Range. ‘The first thing to inspire me was contemporary art. design and fashion exhibition will feature talented young creatives such as Nara Lee. including works which often blank out part of their subject. I wanted to replicate this phenomenon by reinterpreting the art works in terms of fashion.’ Entrance to the exhibition is free.org. free-range. creating a level of abstraction that engages the imagination.

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£9. SEE CRUK. we’ll certainly be making an effort to be more ‘photopresent’ – mindfully observing our surroundings as if seeing them for the very first time. FOR MORE DETAILS. SEE PAGE 140 SNAPPING MINDFULNESS After seeing the beautiful images taken by Matthew Johnstone for his new book Capturing Mindfulness (Robinson. Ethics can shine a new and revealing light on the troubles and longings of our ordinary lives” Jack Fuller ‘TheOnlyWayisEthics’atTheSchoolofLifeison17JulyledbyJackFullerwhoiscurrentlyworking on his book ‘Brave New Ethics: How To Live A Good Life’ (Pan Macmillan). But this misses its great potential. FOR STOCKISTS. due out January 2015 BBQ WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY ON 19 AND 20 JULY. which is to help and guide us with ambitions.ORG/BBQ J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 15 . It’s a very creative and inspiring way of being mindful – and you don’t necessarily need a fancy camera either – Johnstone used whatever was to hand at the time. BOOK REVIEW: LAUREN HADDEN. SCHOOL OF LIFE LESSONS We often feel ethics is rather marginal to our lives.99). fears. what we love and how we relate to people. from an SLR to his smartphone.CULTUR E * SURVEY COMMISSIONED BY COTTON TRADERS.

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Listeners are in for a treat. abridged by Sara Davies. William Murray. Just don’t wear it to an exam or presentation. making us more sexually attractive. blonde Elizabeth (Sarah Gadon).’ says Radio 4 producer Gemma Jenkins.uk/radio4/books FOR PERSONAL STYLE INSPIRATION. and stories range from the uninvited guest who sets up home in the family living room to a witty analysis of celebrity hierarchy. HEAD TO PAGE 24 FOR OUR ‘HOW TO LOOK LIKE YOURSELF’ COLUMN J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 17 . £169. For other treats coming up.99). Belle’s guardian. illegitimate mixed-race daughter of an 18th-century English admiral. It’s the kind of book where certain insights and experiences stick with you – you want to tuck them safely away so you can draw on them when you need them. £12. Kenwood House in Hampstead. nor is she expected to marry. who ruled on a contentious shipping case where the owners claimed compensation for loss of cargo – slaves. is left in the care of her great-uncle and aunt at their home. go to bbc.THE FIX RED ALERT Heading out on a date? Try dusting off that red dress. SEE PAGE 140 Directed by Amma Asante Belle (Gugu Mbatha-Raw). as the association it has with danger means it can also have a negative impact on performance. There’s plenty to make you think in Belle. FOR STOCKISTS. Her guardians show her the same affection they give to their other ward. STYLE CARD. Phase Eight Belle * RSPB NIG WILD SLEEP OUT RESEARCH. FILM OF THE MONTH Flavia Ribbon Fit and Flare dress. ** SURVEY CONDUCTED BY FASHION AND LIFESTYLE CLUB. Belle is not invited to join for dinner. BOOK REVIEWS: EITHNE FARRY.’ Rebecca Front reads from her new book ‘Curious: True Stories And Loose Connections’ on BBC Radio 4’s ‘Book of The Week’ this June. was Lord Chief Justice of England. red has a strong but unconscious effect.co. Asante’s film is based on fact. and plenty to enjoy on the way. ‘There’s an Alice-in-Wonderland charm to the writing. EH BOOKS TO SOOTHE THE SOUL ‘Rebecca Front’s playful observations about the remarkable and curious moments in everyday life meant that I read her book with a frequent smile on my face. FILM REVIEW: ELIZABETH HEATHCOTE. According to research flagged up by Thalma Lobel in her book Sensation: The New Science Of Physical Intelligence (Icon Books. but when company calls.

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It’s like I don’t even matter. ‘I feel angry that my neighbour/people in general are not considerate.’ she says.THE FIX HOW TO… …wallow constructively First. You don’t have to rant and vent – the objective is to get real about how you feel using the TRUTH technique. Allowing yourself to feel bad feelings instead of fighting them is a healthy route to feeling OK again and is the key to self-acceptance. says therapist Tina Gilbertson. PHOTOGRAPH: INESS RYCHLIK/GALLERY STOCK T What’s upset you? Tell the truth in one . outraged. Try the TRUTH technique ntence: ‘My neighbour played loud sic till 3am and I didn’t get any sleep.’ U Uncover self-criticism. £10. the feelings dissolve and we can move forward again. says recent research. But when we let ourselves be honest. for a particular feeling to move through you.’ READ: ‘CONSTRUCTIVE WALLOWING: HOW TO BEAT BAD FEELINGS BY LETTING YOURSELF HAVE THEM’ BY TINA GILBERTSON (PIATKUS. It takes courage but it also takes less than two minutes.’ R Realise what you’re feeling.99) J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 19 WORDS: SUZY GREAVES. I feel ignored and unloved.’ H Have the feeling. Look out for ould’ language: ‘I should have gone und there and given her what-for. strated. Be kind. ‘When we push away part of us that feels that way. it creates a fragmented self with an acceptable me and unacceptable me. ‘I feel angry. and are compassionate with ourselves while we have a good wallow. Why might erson feel this way? ‘I’ve always been ught to put others’ needs before mine.’ T Try to understand yourself. accept yourself Feeling miserable? Good.

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uk/psychologiesbook-club-events and commit to the ‘bed-time hour’. ‘Night School: Wake Up To The Power Of Sleep’ by Richard Wiseman (Macmillan. ideas and inspiration on how to transform your life by closing your eyes. Yes. if you choose to accept it. Why? Because the blue light at night reduces melatonin levels in your brain and makes you feel more alert. which many of us think of as ‘dead time’ can lead to transformations in our waking life. £20) NEXT BOOK CLUB READ: ‘THE SKELETON CUPBOARD: THE MAKING OF A CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST’ BY TANYA BYRON (MACMILLAN. is to unplug your devices an hour before bed. or deadlines and wild nights out for others (you know who you are). Your challenge. If you want to wake up refreshed after power nap.THE FIX BOOK CLUB Sleep easy PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES There’s a reason we voted unanimously for our second Book Club choice… Sleep has become the hot topic of conversation in our office. eat a banana. drink coffee before a nap. Join us at psychologies. fall asleep on your right-hand side. whether affected by deadlines and babies for some. In the meantime… want to fall asleep fast? Here are Wiseman’s top tips: fake a yawn. as it takes 20 minutes to kick in.99) J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 21 . or wear bedsocks. put your bed facing the door but at the farthest point from it. Wiseman has revealed that sleep. we can improve our lives without moving a muscle! Wiseman has kindly offered to conduct an exclusive sleep experiment with Psychologies readers. That’s why we voted unanimously for Night School by Professor Richard Wiseman as our book club choice this month. during the day).co. Pulling on exciting. £18. new peer-reviewed research. What will you do differently with your hour before bed? We’ll have lively discussions (er.

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THE FIX
Orange
sunglasses,
£220, Andy
Wolf

Envelope
clutch, £750,

Yellow
baseball hat,

Smythson

£35, Juicy
Couture

Pleated skirt,
£55, ASOS

Black
leather
trousers,

Mint green
sweatshirt,

£995, 10
Crosby
Derek Lam

£35, ASOS

Pink tube
skirt, £35.99,
Zara

ST Y LE

Good sport
Mindy
blue dress,

FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 140.
* SCIENCEDIRECT.COM/SCIENCE/
ARTICLE/PIIS0022103112000200

£99, Hobbs

Half-zip tee,
£70, Iffley
Road

From the neon leg-warmers and leotards of 1980s
workout videos, to sleek streamlined Lycra at
the Olympics, sportswear has a way of making
us look and feel the part, even if we can only hold
downward dog for 30 seconds, despite our £50
yoga top. Recently, researchers coined the term
‘enclothed cognition’ to describe the influence of
clothes on a wearer’s psychological processes*.
In short, we’re affected by the physical experience
of wearing clothes and the symbolic meaning of
them. If we dress the part, we look and feel the
part. Apply it to the fun sports-luxe trend, and
a pastel sweater might make you more eager to
run 5k after work, your yoga pants might make
you feel more meditative at home,
and fancy trainers might tempt
you to walk instead of taking the
train… or at least make the sprint
along the platform a little easier.

Silver
chronograph
watch, £350,
Links of
London

Black skater shoes, £99, Carvela

‘IT’S IMPORTANT FOR ME TO LOOK GOOD BEFORE A RACE – IT MAKES ME FEEL MORE CONFIDENT’ JESSICA ENNIS-HILL

J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 23

HOW TO LOOK LIK E YOURSELF

“Art needs a focal point,
so does an outfit”
ImageadviserMandyLehtotalkstoartistPaolaMinekov
about colour and conversation-starting accessories
PHOTOGR APHY KI PRICE

O

scar Wilde once said: ‘One
should either be a work of
art, or wear a work of art.’
This season’s bold colours
and painterly prints are a nod to gallery
walls. Even those not inspired by trends
will recognise the enduring relationship
between art and style. But for Paola
Minekov, 34, dressing is another canvas
for her creative, idiosyncratic approach
to art and life.
As an artist, Paola is a self-confessed
storyteller. ‘I love accessories,’ she says.
‘They’re my way of having fun and adding a narrative to my clothes.’ Paola has
curated an enviable collection of jewellery, shoes and handbags that all have
stories and memories attached. ‘This
red bag was the first present from my
husband after we got married,’ she says
nostalgically. A jadestone flower necklace was the first piece she bought after
movingtoLondon.Shepullsoutawhite
string bag, made by her grandmother:
‘It’s falling apart, but it’s so special.’
Accessories serve another purpose
in Paola’s wardrobe, too: ‘Art needs a
focal point. So does an outfit.’ Accessories can give it soul, or that little something unexpected. ‘I wear them to start
conversations.’
As we talk more about painting,
clues about her style emerge. ‘How I

24 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4

paint and dress depends on my mood,
but there’s usually colour involved.’
Paola notes that society is lamentably
devoid of colour. ‘For me, colour is life;
each colour has its own energy. You
won’t know how they affect you till you
start playing with them.’
Paola recently completed a
‘I lovee access
sso
series of monochrome paintThey’ree
ay
ings, realising how much she
havingg f
missed colour in the process.
addingg a
‘When dressing, I rarely wear
to my cl
black on its own. I add colour,
needs a f
even if it’s just an accessory.
Colour makes me feel someso does a
thing. I think emotions are the
wear ac
most important quality we
start con
have as humans.’
How does she keep her look
evolving? ‘Rummage about in markets,’
she suggests. ‘Try on things in Dior, or
places you wouldn’t normally go. You
don’t have to purchase. The point is to
rut-bust, to increase adventurousness.
Notice how the shapes and colours feel.’
Wecirclebacktoeffortlessness.Does
she ever lose her sartorial mojo? ‘Absolutely,’ she says with a smile. ‘I’m driven
by comfort – I go out in my painting
clotheswithpaintinmyhair.Weneedto
give ourselves permission to have days
off from style. That’s when we recoup
our ability to be playful and creative.’

of

THE FIX
A good rut is
still a rut, Paola
says, so she
suggests trying
on different
styles to see
how you can
evolve your look

ly

re

How to dress
effortlessly
Know what suits you, but
don’t get stuck in a rut O If
you’re afraid of colour, use it
in accessories O Comfort is
underrated O Try clothes
on in shops you don’t usually
go to O Give yourself days
off from style O Your smile
and attitude matter most
O

J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 25

Here. being happy and playing Disney villain Maleficent ANGELINA JOLIE “Tobeof serviceto otherscreates ahappierlife ” WORDS MARTYN PALMER PHOTOGRAPHY CLIFF WATTS/TRUNK ARCHIVE 26 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 . she talks about growing up.THE FILM CLUB Iconic award-winning actress Angelina Jolie gives Psychologies a rare insight into her life.

J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 27 .

‘But I loved her too because she was evil creature. James. actress Marcheline Betrand.‘Parents been deeply wounded and is emotionally scarred as a result. blac long-sleeved blouse.’sheexplains. It reveals rising.’ Fast forward three decades and the ver at 38 a mother of six.orcometoterms with things and learn something about ourselves. the Disney classic rele put a curse on Princess Aurora.’ she says.>>> We should have guessed. a – a Disney favourite with an impressive leatherturbanwrappedaroundtwisted list of credits that includes The Lion King horns. too. she tells me. not lopes. Wh elegant creature? So I loved the idea of villain. fittingly enough playing Voight’s . She adds: ‘I got really the original Sleeping Beauty film. perh Angelina Jolie’s favourite fairytale character frightened the other kids. THE FILM She tested the story on her own childMALEFICENT ren. A fairy who enoughthat adultswill read things into is far more human. in th danger and darkness both on screen a magnificently wicked Maleficent. Aurora. No. reading the script to More than 50 years after the release of see their reaction. watching the movie will identify with 28 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 humanitysomehow. who has itthatkidswon’t. She’s dressed in pumps. the o the young Angelina – an actress who.’ Jolie was born in Los Angeles and along with her older brother. arguably the biggest in the world and one half of the tabloid f Brangelina–wasimmediatelyintriguedwh the idea of a reworking of Sleeping Beauty t ‘I was fascinated by her as a child. I meet Jolie at a hotel in Beverly Hills – the road from the home she shares with B children. she says. and is open and fri that I’ve just seen extended footage of Maleficent and tell her I liked it a lot. She made her acting debut as a sevenyear-old in a comedy Lookin’ To Get Out. but ‘We tried to make this sophisticated capable of kindness. The kids loved it. put-upon Ci tually gets to marry the prince. was raised mostly by her mother. yes. The script by Linda Woolverton creature with flowing black robes. The effect – which would leave least in giving Maleficent a back story Cruella de Vil green with envy – is and explaining why she is the way she indeed scary with a sexy twist. Disney emotional because the script is very is releasing Maleficent – a new film powerful. fame and beauty can be difficult. I was drawn to her. after she separated from the Oscarwinning actor Jon Voight when Angelina was just one year old. talon-long nails and vermilion and Beauty And The Beast – has created lips with those prosthetic enhanced a contemporary reworking of a muchcheekbones that could slice open enveloved classic that has substance. the ev scared generations of children ever since in Sleeping Beauty. ‘I was a Jolie. It sounded so much fun. with its obsession with wealth. Three hours in make-up each the events that hardened Maleficent’s day transformed her into an exotic heart and drove her to curse the baby.’ starring Angelina Jolie as the villain and Her creation of Maleficent is mesme. is – vengeful and full of rage. Growing up around Hollywood. Not for Jolie th Snow White nor the perfect.Elle Fanning as Princess Aurora. I th scariest and the most interesting of all the But I wanted to know more about her. if you like.

and I grew up in this town where there’s a certain emphasis putonthingsthatarenot–theonesthatshouldbeconsidered most important. & Mrs. A year later. aged 28. Changing the approach During those early years she attracted plenty of non-workrelated headlines. science-fiction thriller. with changing the direction of her life. I wanted to understand more. I went to my first war zone. where she witnessed poverty and devastation. In interviews. Jonny Lee Miller. Cyborg 2 in 1993. she won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for Girl. there was talk of exploring her confession that. Smith. As I got older. she married Billy Bob Thornton and they famously wore matching vials containing each other’s blood around their necks. in 1996 but they separated in 1999. The marriage to Thornton lasted three years and by then. A year later. ALAMY.Angelina with fiancé Brad at an event to promote Maleficent at Kensington Palace in May with her fath PHOTOGRAPHS: REX. the tabloids had cast her as a femme fatale off-screen as well as on. established her as a star. By the time she madethecyber-punkthrillerHackerstwoyearslater. ‘Mom was a strong influence on me but I was also someone who questioned things. as a teenager. an HBO film about troubled model Gia Carangi. to places where you see people in real need. You meet people >>> J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 29 . and travelling to Third World countries and war zones. She married her Hackers co-star. too. She credits having children. Then I travelled to places where there were landmine victims.shewas beginning to attract the attention of major directors. I had a desire to find out what felt real. in 1999. meeting Pitt on the set of the thriller Mr. Interrupted. DISNEY years before she appeared on screen again in a low-budget. I’d been through a period where I was more concerned about my own problems and pain. and her Golden Globe-winning performance in Gia. she had collected knives.

Commissioner for Refugees. To be of service to others creates a happier life. in London with Foreign Secretary William Hague aimed at ‘There are morals in these stories and you want a little signing up more countries to the UN Declaration of Commitment to End Sexual Violence in Conflict. one of the kids lost a tooth countries have signed up.too.com/psychologiesmagazine for your invitation to join the Psychologies Film Club . And it’s a hap.too. You don’t worry such an iconic role. I say.’ sure there isn’t something.’ she says. or their childher family remind her daily of how fortunate she is. She 30 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 ‘Maleficent’ is released in UK and Irish cinemas on 28 May JOIN THE PSYCHOLOGIES FILM CLUB LET’S HAVE REAL CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THE FILMS WE LOVE 1. And last year. she says. I had to adoptedasababy. So far. ‘And we’re absolutely fine. and they haven’t got enough food. she bravely made publicherdecisiontohaveapreventativedoublemastectomy after learning that she herself had an 87 per cent chance of getting breast cancer due to a defective gene. Not that ren.Pax. ‘The other day. ‘We’re very luckythatwecandothat. the shame is on the perpetrator. ‘but there are lots that haven’t. I felt I’d learned something about my health and made the right choice for my family.’ They still are. 12. who died from ovarian cancer. too. there were rumours they were on the verge of breaking up. She dotes on her children – Maddox. troubled days.whoare also both adopted. she says.’sheacknowledges. who she I loved when I was little and now I had to step into it.‘Hehasbeenverysupportive. And I’m not lying to them. in 2007. A few years back. Do you believe that evil exists? 3. Pitthasbeenbyhersideduringthedifficulttimes. Mothers are sworn campaign.”’ she explains. Shiloh.’ she andItalkedaboutthetoothfairy. helped her focus on ‘getting healthy’ and >>> who don’t even know where their parents are. has been a welcome. ‘Iwantedotherwomentobeawareofsomethingtheycould protect themselves from. In Maleficent. ‘And you she doesn’t get nervous sometimes. Maleficent is just me wanter. and I wanted other women to know there was that choice. It helped me get out of my own head. Unbroken – and a formidable campaigner.’ Work. She refers to Pitt frequently during our conversation and talks of how they try to plan their lives so that when one is working.solet’sallow them to have a little bit of childhood for as long as they can. What scenes in Maleficent affected you the most and why? 2. capable ally in this really can’t tell you. she is co-hosting a conference havealwayshadamoralwrappedupinsideacompellingyarn. “I Hague.’ It’s a fairy story and hugely entertaining.butheisalsoemotionallyconnected. you worry about other people and you just grow up. ‘There’s that scene at the christening The transformation from those earlier.WE CAN BECOME “ CONSUMED BY HATE lost her adored mother. she wake up in a moment: you realise how fortunate you are that admits. she hopes. she was a little daunted at the prospect of taking on your concerns are nothing in comparison. and five-year-old twins.He’sverystrongand straightinhisapproach.’ people. When have you felt vengeful and decided to be kind instead of cruel? Like us at facebook. ‘It’s just nonsense.’ she told me at the time. Jolie and Pitt also have a biological daugh.No-oneisallbad–certainlynotMaleficent second film. Knox and Vivienne.’ tosecrecy. ting to entertain an audience and be open.make it better and not mess it up. is when she puts the curse on Aurora – it was that moment that remarkable.”Kidsgrowupfastenoughthesedays. I think the original voice and performance is fantastic.andeight-year-oldZahara.’ …OR WE CAN LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT OURSELVES ” Love and family Jolieisalsohappytotalkaboutanotherimportantmaninher life. but. always. “what are you talking about?” yet they’re still not not on the victim. it Jolie is an accomplished director – she’s currently editing her hasamessage. thank you. and you feel. ‘I was scared at first because I’d never about yourself.Halfofthemareoldenough says. the other is at home with the children. still. ‘We want it to be globally understood that the shame is to think. “I’m going to disappoint pier life. I don’t really know. creative and bold. 141 magic–it’simportanttohavesomethingthatwe’realittlebit in awe of. Marcheline.Andthese old tales (Sleeping Beauty is believed to date back 400 years).played anybody like that. in her role as Special Envoy for the UN High –therearereasonswhypeoplearethewaytheyare. This month.’ she reflects.10.’ Her relationship with Pitt has endured constant speculation. 7. aged 56.‘Butthekidsare the priority.

.

T a d m 32 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 .

night out [ ] Have you ever wondered what happened to the party girl you once were? Eleanor Tucker recalls hers – and decides it’s OK to for her to reappear and >> greet the dawn chorus from the wrong end now and again REFLECTION J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 33 .

my husband. I PHOTOGRAPHS: OANA SZEKELY/CAMERA PRES >>> . there’s The Fear. I was either a (not very diligent) night before. Then there’s good old responsibility. meals to cook and children to mother. which can come in several guises. A bit like Patsy from Ab Fab (remember her?). Last but not least.WhatI’mafter nowisthefeeling ofthatrelease.that abandon–butwithout thefeelingofcoming crashingbackdown toearththenextday” 34 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 time marches on. Work is one of them. I also have a home to run. Less ‘party girl’ and more ‘old soak’. None of these would work particularly well if I woke up one Thursday morning on a living room floor on the other side of town. it starts to look a bit undignified. In my early twenties. only without the endless legs and comedy timing. would probably be calling his lawyer if I did. And my other responsibility.

there wasn’t the immediacy of social media. you saw an unflattering one. (The Fear. It was exciting:Ihadalatepass(awonderfulfeeling when you have small children). So what I’m after is the feeling of that release. ‘What did I say?’ ‘Do all my friends hate me?’ ‘What on earth was I doing with that guy?’ feeling that you get the next day. I’m now able to draw a line more carefully between escaping life. I’m rather keen on my reality. And if.Shedoesn’tcomeoutthat often. you’d just slip it into your bag and rip it up later. that distance from the office or the supermarket or the school run. it’s on nights when wine flows and nobody looks at the clock that the laughter rings the loudest and we all open up a bit more. Or ‘I didn’t think I liked her until the party’? Maybe we all need that release. But do I still have the desire to forget the day-to-day now and again. well. That party girl in the photos. But I still had The Fear. I went out with some women I didn’t know that well – I moved house in the last year and made some new friends. Andnotjustatnight. reality even. Last week. she’s stillaround. just for one evening – and feel a night full of promise and the unknown stretching out ahead of me like I used to? Depending on how long I’ve got a babysitter booked for. putting off a career.Iwas takenabackwhen Irealisedthat practicallyevery pictureofmefromthe agesofabout16to30 istakenafterdark. Photos would be taken. J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 35 . Did I feel terrible? No. Did I wake up on a living room floor? No. after they’d come back from being developed at Boots. when sorting through them. I sang (badly). it would be going viral by 1am on the same night as the party. I would say yes. Thankfully. that abandon – but without the feeling of coming crashing back down to earth the next day. I laughed. Have you ever said.) Did I have an amazing time? Yes. and avoiding it. more responsible and less keen to wake up feeling like everyone loathes me. but I love it when she does. The horrible. But these days. I danced. These days. but they would appear at someone’s house in a glossy black folder a week or so later. avoiding life. to have exchanges that mean a bit more. So I’m older. butatparties” got tired of it. and had the kind of conversations you can never have in daylight hours. ‘I wasn’t sure about her. and I certainly don’t miss it. Back then. And I think that is what saves me from being the (OK. I admit it) slightly dysfunctional young woman I was. it seems. to step outside of life. and no plans the next day.Recently. I was dodging responsibility. Keen on reality As an adult. doesn’t get you every time. After all. but we really bonded on that night out’. in my partying days. that reveal a little more of our emotions than we’re willing to give away in the lunchtime queue at the sandwich shop.

At its worst. I feel our new housemate has come between me and my friend. guilt can be self-indulgent. As if someone else has the power to use that spell. for whatever reason. and I know he has never forgiven me. withdrawing way. not in a sniffy. after all… “ I can’t forgive myself for what I did” I walked out on my husband and son over 10 years ago now. but she didn’t understand and we argued. He says ‘the remembering self is sometimes simply wrong’. start training for a 5k run. two questions from one of my heroes. A problem shared is a problem halved. you feel obliged to use words which make you feel worse. Whenever I think about my past. it can make it more likely that you will repeat your mistakes. Affairs don’t happen out of the blue. Michelle A Let’s assume that you are right – it was fun for a while. constantly dragging your own and other people’s attention to how bad you feel. I notice this with your opening sentence – to say that you ‘walked out’ sounds like an outsider’s judgment. I tried to have an honest conversation with my best friend about how upset I was that she was spending less time with me. but it wasn’t perfect. We all get on well. one of which is the difference between how we experience things at the time and how we remember them. I’m not saying give up. Your relationship with your son is good. and now it seems like I’ve been gossiping. Everything I do or say makes the situation worse. I’m also concerned that you might be addicted to your own guilt. and both you and your former husband have some responsibility for that (I notice you say ‘my husband’ – as if he still is). For the past decade. I then tried to talk to our housemate about it. but recently. but rather than get dragged into a PHOTOGRAPH: VICTORIA BIRKINSHAW Q . The truth is more likely to be that whatever was going on in your marriage was beyond your ability to cope at the time. In fact. and definitely not that of a friend. go for promotion at work. I am still reduced to tears. or not want to examine. but by diverting your attention into something where your efforts and intentions can make a difference? Join a choir. what was going on in your marriage before. on some level.M A RY FEN W ICK ON LIFE Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers words of wisdom to help with whatever is troubling you. I like the web link opposite (see More Inspiration) because the message is so blunt – feeling endlessly guilty does not make you a better person. I still see my son and we are the best of friends. What I did cannot be undone. Name withheld A It sounds as if you believe there are some magic words which can make your pain go away. Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman writes about the traps we can fall into within our own brains. after I had an affair. and everything you do makes it worse. but now someone has come between you and your best friend. How about you accept this for now. but she told my friend. but you don’t. I have lived a life full of regret and guilt over what I did. Irvin D Yalom – what would you be thinking about if you were not obsessed with this? How can you live now without building new regrets? 36 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 “ Q I feel left out with this new housemate” I live with my best friend and another housemate we met online. but I haven’t spoken to my husband since I left him. but I don’t know how to move on and live my life. You might have forgotten. and for a couple of months it was fantastic fun. Could you find new ways to celebrate that? Finally.

and no public declaration of marriage which has brought other people into it as witnesses. Should I break it off? Joanna A You are asking me to believe you find it difficult to express yourself.co. My short answer would be: romantic love is a form of madness and if you are both happy with what you’ve got. For a couple with so much internal anxiety the road can be bumpy. and After The Affair by Julia Cole (Vermilion.uk/science/ hottopics/love. unflinching letter (though I’d be wary of getting too attached to labels like ‘avoidance issue’ or ‘hyper-vigilant’). £9. bbc. TooBadtoStay(MichaelJoseph.co.uk.99) J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 37 . £8. She looks at ‘which iffy relationships will most likely be OK and which are virtually unfixable’. journalist.com/ lib/guilt-the-crippling-emotion/ 000722. as well as being extremely self-critical and judgemental. Have faith that there is more to your life than this. with ‘MARY’ in the subject line tug of war. divorcée and widow GOT A QUESTION FOR MARY? Email mary@ psychologies. Maybe you’re moving beyond infatuation into something more long-lasting. mother. I have avoidance issues and find it difficult to express myself. but – despite being older – I’m the emotionally immature one. I recommend Mira Kirshenbaum’s Too Good to Leave. and I wonder if we’re wasting each other’s time. he’s also hyper-vigilant and excellent at reading people. com/archive/exc_060309. maybe when this wears off you won’t like each other. What’s happened to make you ask this now? Your relationship has no other stakeholders – no children.the life lab MARY FENWICK is a business coach.99). My partner is very logical. socialworktoday. fundraiser. All will be well.shtml Read Momma And The Meaning Of Life by Irvin D Yalom (Piatkus.£14. “ Q Are we wasting each other’s time?” I’m in a relationship with a much younger man. you could just let go of the rope.99).yetyou’vewrittenanarticulate. I worry he is reading into my unsaid emotions and judging my actions sometimes. where’s the problem? MORE INSPIRATION: Watch http://psychcentral.

but the first promise I’d made to my accountability coach – to be available at 2pm – was broken. ‘They had “because I said I would” written in the corner. who always kept his word. I realise how rarely I communicate this way. those bonds are fraying. I’m not surprised to discover psychological studies show handwriting helps with cognition.is in the act of physically writing a pledge.saysSheen.Theyremind me of future promises not yet made. founder of social movement and nonprofit organisation Because I Said I Would.’ he says. is startling. anywhere. mostly to women aged 25-54.ortobabysit. ‘A good friend of mine is always the first to say she’ll join us for lunch or help with the kids.pouredin. instead of on a screen. As Sheen points out.Wearrangeaweekly30-minute >>> PHOTOGRAPH: PLAIN PICTURE SELF . People write a promise.Ikeepthem. smallandstaggering. we’ll happily ‘join’ that birthday party invitationonFacebookoremailacheery ‘I’ll be there!’ to after-work drinks. Broken promises During an honest audit of my recent broken promises. It was in my calendar. Sheen has sent more than 250. Thefirstreasontheywork. Sounds dramatic? Not really. for free. I try the cards. In the last few months I’d skipped two parties. Now a growing movement is arguing 38 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 that broken promises undermine the very foundation of our relationships. I realised my selfperception as a commitment-keeper far exceeded the reality. keeping a promise can often come down to remembering you made it. I want to bring it back again. Stories of commitments made and kept.’ This isn’t a surprise to Alex Sheen. 35. They were just plans. Inspired by his late father.’ he says.Butkeepingtothose commitments is a different story. I just don’t trust her unconditionally any more. and failed to do many mundane tasks I’d sworn to my family I’d take care of. With fear of missing out rife. The act of pledging Captivated by the idea. Barely 18 months later. andhowitmakesmypromisefeelimportant. Making a promise and keeping it is a simple yet powerful idea. Rachel. He believes keeping promises can have a profound impact on our lives. not real promises. one without telling the hostess. It feels too petty to confront her about. We have a connection over something simple.signedand with ‘promise fulfilled’ written on. We’ll text a promise to help a sibling move house. It feels wonderful to get the cardsbackfrommyhusband. a concrete affirmation of what we do foreachother.000 cards to 82 countries. Seeing a promise in my handwriting. but the last to do it. Yet in the whirlwind of modern life. And I’d shrugged all this off.Thishas become his calling: ‘The idea of keeping a promise has lost its honour. The second reason they work – the fact of handing it to someone makes me feel accountable – is an even stronger motivation. I offered to send the cards to anyone who asked. It’s that small but powerful buzz that leads me to accountability coach Ali Schiller.The powerof a promise [ ] How can keeping our commitments change how we live? Kate Graham explores her own relationship with broken promises to find out T he second I saw the missed call message. No damage done. We all want to believe our word is our bond. but it rankles and has definitely compromised our friendship. says. my heart sank. hand them to a person they pledged to and when the promise is fulfilled they get it back. and the wider world. Sheen created‘promisecards’andpassedthem out at his funeral.

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‘Now you have this deeper awareness. I talk about my promise-breaking (including missing her call). Schiller says. making promises in that moment helps make us look. a decade-long fear of looking at my bank accounts. £9. a clinical psychologist with a special interest in promises. puts another perspective on it. blaming general sloppiness. ‘I’ve worked with hundreds of people and there is always a reason they break a promise. the irrational panic when faced with financial paperwork. Wanting to commit Keentoexplorethepsychologicalimpact thesechangesarehaving. driven by the desire to please. This hits home: the buzz I feel when I see how happy my promise makes someone – regardless of whether I follow through – is instant and intoxicating. In our first one. social psychologist and co-author of Focus: Use Different Ways Of Seeing The World ForSuccessAndInfluence(PlumeBooks. ‘Often we make promises because they validate an important aspect of our identity – they act as an external projection of how we like to think of ourselves. If we want to be seen as good friends. and thereforefeel. Then we talk about my tax return.’ she explains.’ she says. That’s the blockage. youhavethechoicetomovethroughitor not. philosophy professoratHaifaUniversity.66). Each almost-broken promise was a sign. for example.ThepartyIsuddenlyfelt was too far away to attend? Full of other journalists I was worried I’d compare unfavourably to.self >>> phone session where I set commit- ments. ‘We want to discover what’s getting in your way.OnceIfelt the fear and did it anyway. then discuss whether I’ve kept them. the satisfaction was immense.’ It’s a revelation that’s repeated as theweeksgoby.Completenessis enhanced by an audience. He asks me to look at the quantity as well as the quality of my commitments. sisters or daughters. the one I promised my accountant that I’d complete eight months before.thatway.likestoquotethe German-American political theorist HannahArendt:‘Promisesareahuman . While many men make promises to move past a relationship conflict. Aaron Ben-Zeev.’ At first I’m sceptical – this sounds to me a little too much like an excuse for simple disorganisation.IturntoStanley Teitelbaum. Dr Heidi Grant Halvorson. It all comes flooding out. he sees women tending to over-commit. as was the feeling that I was truly learning about myself. I just wasn’t looking atwhatitwastryingtotellme. She says there’s often something deeper going on.

is something we can all do. leaving them unanswered until I have time to consider if I can say yes. It’s understandable to try to overcome uncertainty with promises.com . It’s a common experience. for myself and for others. A month on. making it predictable and reliable to the extent that this is humanly possible. So I stop replying to requests as they appear on my desktop or phone. I even start saying no.‘Weliveinavery materialistic society. whenImakeapromiseandkeepit. Each time you show up for someone. especially if you feel the other person is expecting.whereaspirationaldesires nearly always mask messy reality. wanting. For more. But being a person of your word. Best of all. ‘it’s harder to avoid making promises. I create structure with plans.’ he tells me.Eachoneteaches me about myself – and that’s the true power of a promise.astakeinthegroundthat steadies me while I feel unmoored – until I realise I can’t keep them all. I no longer see a commitment as a simple contract: it is a glimpse into my hopes and desires as muchasmyintentions. ‘Being human involves thinking and planning for the future. Each promise feelsconcrete. the more I’m obliged to respond to expectations.’ We simply need to be aware that the promises we make reveal more about our desires than our current reality. I decide to step back a little from socialmedia.’ The more I’m plugged in. says Aaron. you build a reputation that money can’t buy. and it’s appropriate for us to express plans to others. of character.’ It also brings compassion.way of ordering the future. constantly seeing things we can’t have. But I now use those moments when I fall short to explore what fears might be holding me back.’ I’ve recently moved from London to Washington and in all the uncertainty. We simply need to be aware that the promises we make reveal more about our desires than our current reality” it makes me feel in control.Sheensays. I think of Teitelbaum’s belief that the speed of communication encourages us to over-promise. go to becauseisaidiwould. ‘These days. It doesn’t make me feel guilty. needing or demanding a commitment.Ifeel an incredible validation. my friendships and relationships are stronger.

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Twitter @PsychologiesMag FOLLOW US: Q Facebook. becoming aware of and relaxing through your knees. Are you in the right role at work? Whether you’re a team member. £14. combining controlled breathing with the gradual release of tension. Hold for three seconds. New findings in neuro-psychology show that flashes of insight often come when our minds are relaxed. inhale deeply through the nose. are you sure that you are in the place and role that best corresponds to your personality? COMPETITIONS Getting a good night’s rest is important. You may fall asleep before you finish.CO. Exhale through the mouth. Try progressive muscle relaxation.co. hips and chest.com/psychologiesmagazine Q Pinterest. Reframe challenges Viewing a problem in a way we haven’t seen it before can allow us to develop a new solution that we might not have otherwise found. Know what you want We come up with more innovative ideas when we’re clear about our end goal.. assistant or the boss.99). Repeat.UK For tests. gently flexing your toes. Slowly work up your body. Focus your energy on your toes. tips. Visit psychologies. including gift vouchers and tickets for films and festivals. relax your toes. events. advice and articles to help you get more from life HOW TO RELEASE YOUR CREATIVITY Choose creativity Open your mind to the idea that you want to be creative.uk to enter exclusive competitions for chances to win fantastic prizes. Look at your surroundings as if you’re seeing them for the first time. Be inspired Read Creative Confidence: Unleashing The Creative Potential Within Us All by Tom and David Kelley (William Collins.com/psychologies J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 43 PHOTOGRAPH: PHILIP LEE HARVEY/IMAGE SOURCE TIPS AND TECHNIQUES TAKE THE TEST . Daydream It isn’t a waste of time.

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End the letter on a positive note. Bearing this in mind. THE AIM Try forgiving someone you are angry with or bear a grudge towards – experts say it can help you to live a longer. O Write a letter to the person who hurt you (but don’t send it). But experts say being able to move on from negative feelings. AUGUST 2012 3 THE THEORY 4 Whether it’s a sibling. Imagine how your mind will be clearer. tend to live shorter lives. showing those who embrace forgiveness tend to be physically MARTHA healthier than those who don’t. is beneficial to both physical and mental health. telling them you’re choosing to let go and move on with your life and wish them well with theirs. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself so you can get on with your life.com who forgave unconditionally lived longer. we can find that forgiving comes more easily. your heart healthier and your life more enriched. has published papers linking forgiveness with higher functioning cardiovascular. Iowa. Professor Loren Toussaint of Luther College. His‘Forgive ROBERTS to Live’study* also showed those who is an awardwinning UK exercise‘conditional forgiveness’ (forgiving health writer only if the person apologises or makes and mental health blogger amends). JOURNAL OF BEHAVIORAL MEDICINE. TRY IT OUT O Decide to forgive. O Take positive action. partner or friend. But studies show exercising forgiveness can improve both mental and physical health. For some.the life lab THE MIND EX PER IMENT Why learning to forgive is good for you Every month. We can all think of people we may have hurt over the years. ‘FORGIVENESS IS THE KEY TO ACTION AND WISDOM’ HANNAH ARENDT J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 45 . too. parent.’ LOREN TOUSSAINT. we all remember being wronged by someone. Maybe you haven’t been able to do something because you’ve been holding on to the past. but now that you’ve decided to forgive. it also helps people close to them. Martha Roberts invites you to road-test research around feeling good 1 2 THE PROJECT Many of us find it hard to forgive people and move on when we feel we’ve been wronged. * ‘FORGIVE TO LIVE. People who embrace forgiveness tend to be physically healthier” ILLUSTRATION: NAOMI WILKINSON/EASTWING. happier life. O Visualise how letting go will be good for you. Seeking forgiveness helps. hormonal and immune systems. If we develop empathy. and even forgiving the perpetrator. think about the person who has hurt you and ask yourself where the behaviour may have come from. such as being a victim of a crime. maybe you’ll be free to do it. And it doesn’t just help the victim. it can be even more extreme. Those at mental healthwise. O Develop empathy.

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with others. my attitude was. Teachers thought they were thick. You can be the most beautiful woman in the world. I believe the roots of character come from childhood – and I often ask people I am interviewing about that. We asked her to share her values – and tell us what we can learn from celebrities SHARED VALUES INTERVIEW ELIZABETH HEATHCOTE PHOTOGRAPHY PÅL HANSEN I was raised in a plain-speaking house. being unhappy at school can bear fruit. I wanted to know what other families were like. to stand out. but on the other hand. so I don’t think ‘this is my sort of person’. That’s another reason why I admire celebrities – they leave their comfort zones and take risks. and then we’d have a row. Maybe a quarter will tell me they had a terrible time at school. which was the subject of my film An Education. I got suspicious of people. through and through. How could you live in the same house with a brother. People say I’m brave and fearless because I say what I think. After that. As I go through life. that was exploited by a man who seduced me and turned out to be married and a conman. There was no point sidling up and working the conversation round – I’d march in and say ‘I want to stay out late on Friday’. It’s interesting when you consider the middle-class enthusiasm for the perfect school – you want your children to be happy of course. and financial honesty. It can be hard to be honest with yourself – you have to confront your capacity for wishful thinking – but I believe it’s something you should strive to do. and my two daughters are everything to me. For years. sort of lower middle but with no particular class attachments. if people were nice to me. this is the man for life. ‘A Curious Career’ (Bloomsbury. I’ve appreciated kind people and tried consciously to become kinder. they knew they weren’t. A straightness. My father was outrageously frank. Honesty is very important to me: honesty with oneself. and that gave them an ‘I’ll show them’ drive. you will probably always think of yourself as fat and ugly. I’m quite a generous person. 16. I’d gone out with a lot of boys at Oxford. but I was completely sure. For me. who’d know you’d started your period? How could you face that? When you’re 16. you think grown-ups have your best interests at heart. but I’m not very thoughtful.Lynn Barber [ ] Journalist and author Lynn Barber is famous for her psychologically insightful interviews over the years. what do they want? 48 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 It’s reassuring that people are all different. but when I met David I thought. I can’t explain it but if it ever happens to you. My entire life has taken place between Twickenham in west London and Highgate in north London. then it is worth chasing him all round the world if necessary to make sure you get him! I am very nosy. I couldn’t have been happy if I hadn’t been happily married. I admire celebrities – though some more than others! I like the fact that they are not afraid to be tall poppies. which I’m pretty sure is because I was an only child. it was more important to find the right husband than the right career. I go out of my way to make friends with different people. In my case. It takes a certain courage not to be ordinary. particularly what it was like to have siblings. My late husband. Lynn Barber’s latest memoir. but if you considered yourself fat and ugly as a child.99) is out now . I’m from a ‘nothing’ class. I’m risk averse. but what is there to fear? Life would be so much simpler if everyone just said what they meant. One thing that has struck me over the years is how many celebrities say they are dyslexic. I wish I were kinder. I had to chase him really hard. and to know that you will be an object of attention. David.

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why did she think I’d want to leave her out of the biggest.Mum has been there forever. from bloody knees to first-love heartache so. most amazing thing I’ve ever done?” 50 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 . scariest. after 18 years.

she listens to my adventures and comforts me with stories from home. we chat and laugh. She’d had her fun and adventures growing up. the inevitable separation of parents and children as the latter grow up and move on can be exciting and painful. It’s been a mix of incredible happiness and desperate loneliness. I’m not sure I granted her the same reassurance. and I’ve realised that doesn’t mean every step will be taken with a skip and a smile. but what she didn’t realise is she was the one I wanted to share my adventure with. I learnt how to surf in shark-infested waters and laughed so hard I sprayed cheap ‘goon’ wine all over my flip-flops. scariest. after 18 years. where. It’s in those non-skipping. This is my big adventure! When tensions were high. leaving her family behind for the first time… Last week. And Mum. J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 51 . so. a roller coaster of experiences powered by a curiosity and courage I didn’t know I had until I stepped off the long-haul plane onto foreign soil. from bloody knees in the playground to first-love heartache. I think of her every step of the way. life-changing moments with. I scribble in the beautiful journal she gave me. for both sides FAMILY THE GAP-YEAR GIRL Ali Roff left home on a gap year to travel the world alone. saving and packing at home. It’s reassuring for me. why did she think I’d want to leave her out of the biggest. I know how much she struggled before I left. so why wasn’t she happy for me to do the same? She fretted that I wouldn’t keep in touch. but also for her. a monk tried to con me out of $20 for reading my mind. sat for hours singing with a pair of Irish brothers and fallen desperately in love with a boy from London. A quarter of my trip has already floated by in a haze of colour and sunshine. Mum who tells me that I’m only 24 hours away from home. in nine months I’ll return home briefly before heading off to university. I think of Dad and his quiet sadness at the airport. upset she thought I wouldn’t want to talk to her. with her own big adventures to come. or the one left behind. My excitement overrode concern for her feelings.The emptied [ ] nest Whether you’re the one leaving. of all places. I haven’t told her. Then there’s my little sister. The few tears that escaped his eyes make mine well up now. or clink a cheap cocktail with once you reach the right town after a hairy eight-hour bus ride. I write to her. planning. non-smiling moments that I miss home. no-one to scream excitedly with when you see the Sydney Opera House for the first time. It’s a journey. Because the problem with travelling on your own is having no-one to share those spectacular. The week before. Mum has been there forever. amid the awe and excitement of exploring the >>> world. When we can’t talk. Her own anxiety was made worse by the fact that her first child was about to fly the nest. but every word I write in that journal. most amazing thing I’ve ever done? I call and write when I can. I’d get frustrated with her. I can see her impatience for freedom in the texts we send each other daily. aged 19. I was irritated by the pressure. She’s the one I want to share it all with. I’ve also trekked through a rainforest. but also hugely relieved she’d always be on the other end of the phone if I needed her.

So I emailed. She wrote back. and I couldn’t do the dogs’ voices if there was a stranger listening to our family nonsense. of a phone call to arrange a quick coffee. I had also assumed I’d be there as she grew older and in need of help with the things she’s always done with such fierce independence. And she writes every day. Friends told me when your child leaves home. And we knew she’d never really be back. she’s googling Camp America. There’s a photo of the two of them at home aged about three and six. both her father and I are writers. In seven months. slow. I couldn’t even look at Loulou. a bloke. she’ll spend her holidays exploring the world. And then. It’s been a month and my limbs are intact. because the travel bug will bore into her soul. So although I had moved out of home for university – I still remember my mother waving and crying at the door as dad’s car edged me to freedom – I’d imagined a lifetime of Sunday lunches the way only Mum can make. Emigration was not on my to-do list. she wasn’t always around. She wants to be a visual anthropologist or a wildlife filmmaker. and my sister and I were mostly fine with it – we muddled along. We drove home in silence. the clock began the long. Skype helps. for Ellie to make warm.family >>> THE MOTHER OF TWO for their relationship that has lasted. She writes every day. a better job. and she’s only 18. but she’s not there. It reminds us of the thrill of the openroad. as working families do. life has got into its stride again. of (later) her being the only babysitter I could truly trust. She’ll never be ours again. I didn’t expect a reply. she’d be home for a bit before uni. and I couldn’t bear to think how Loulou would find the winter without her sister. like it did to her father and me. have children and keep travelling. it doesn’t feel like she’s dead. Ellie is putting Loulou’s gloves on for her and Loulou is holding her little hands out. but she prefers photography to record the poetry that she sees in life. Then she might get a job. It’s a metaphor 52 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 Claire Jagge didn’t leave the city she grew up in until her late twenties. Ellie has always refused to write. and she smiled knowingly and nodded. Everything looks the same. seven-month countdown. Sometimes we chat for a whole half hour. It wasn’t easy at first. What parent wouldn’t want that for their child? As for Loulou. until the scent of incense and the cry of the cockerel across the paddy field. a house.Whatparentwouldn’t want that for their child?” THE EMIGRANT Where was Dad? I pleaded with the air steward to give us a few more minutes. it feels like you’ve lost a limb. It brings the Asia of our backpacking days back into our very English world and reminds us of the thrill of the open road. a flat. the presence of her room-mate made her seem distant. I cleared out her room and after scooping out months’ worth of cereal bowls and clothes she’d ‘borrowed’ from me. Then Ellie was gone. and I didn’t leave my home town until I was in my late twenties. Or that your child has died. But then I found the silver lining. and is struggling with feelings of guilt over leaving her mother behind I never imagined that I’d be living in a different country to my parents. as we hugged then sobbed. the giggling of her six-year-old pupils and the life-changing peace of Buddhist temples have tumbled into our everyday lives. Jed arrived and. we can see where she lives and the school she teaches in. Days turned into weeks and while Loulou still mourns. . My mother was always independent: she was a working mum. she’s already a TEFL teacher with an internship in a Thai school. Miraculously.

’ I’m not sure she’s consciously trying to make me feel guilty. But even if we were able to talk it out. I’m in Helsinki – and my sister’s in Australia. I can hear her telling her friends – to have them go so far? Mum’s in Belfast. and I never hear it from my dad. Then we feel guilty for leaving (I can mother about what’s going on – or if I called her out on lines like this one. from her birthday this year. and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. but it feels so passive-aggressive. only to let us go. WENDY IDELE/GETTY IMAGES s pen We need to find a new way of relating to each other that’s not like the old days when I lived half an hour away” good at hiding her disbelief that she spent a good portion of her lifetime raising us. I want to be around if either of my parents needs support >>> J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 53 .and he PHOTOGRAPHS: GALLERY STOCK. there’s no getting away from the fact that she’d rather we were closer to home and that’s not something I can fix right now. But – but. ‘I was brought out to dinner last night – everyone was feeling sorry for me without my children around. This is how it usually goes once her disbelief kicks in again: she makes a remark about how tough it is that we’re gone. they’ll leave. having just bought a flat with my husband. There’s not that much to be done about this situation – the old story is that if you get the parenting thing right. or how she wishes we could visit soon.

Going back to the house I grew up in often throws me back into the role I played last time I lived there. protecting the larder from the onslaught of teenage boys. or overplay the loss. I want to be able to do it. is out now . no pairs of trainers and myriad differently sized sticks and balls for every kind of game. Quality time has taken on a whole new meaning. Raffaella Barker pauses to listen to the silence and ponder what happens next My oldest child was born when I was 23. Where Mum has a life that is so full. the house battered by a constant assault of football matches. bacon. that this golden time is gone. I want to be able to do it. I’d never thought about it. For me. joy and grief. we’re dismissed. I couldn’t understand cooking for two. I don’t want to get maudlin. and he is now 25. To find myself now without the framework of a young family is like learning a new dance. But we adapted. They must live their lives. I’ve spent all my adult life as a mum. so fitting around my children. more smoked mackerel paté and other items formerly spurned by the family. and we muddled through the years and the experiences. the next minute – silence. from negotiations over homework versus Warhammer battles. but for now I have to plug away here with my life and hope that they’re getting on with theirs back home. weary and homesick. I’m off to visit the oldest one in Beirut next week. Brutal that. I had no preconceptions about what bringing up children might be like. loved some.99). Raffaella Barker’s new novel ‘From A Distance’ (Bloomsbury. sympathy or even cash. loathed others and had times of boredom. which can be wonderful and trying. or them fitting around me wasn’t an issue – it was just life. so I’ve spent just over half of my life as a mother. I’m getting the hang of the next stage now. the fridge door swinging open and reproachful. or a language. from shopping trolleys laden with bread. no sports section of the paper open all over the table. And it’s ridiculous what a shock it was to realise I am no longer top provider of food. The boys have left home. The difference is. One minute there I was. that it only brims over when I arrive back where I started. Maybe that’s the crux of it – we need to work out a new way of relating to each other that’s not like the old days when I lived half an hour away. When Mum does visit. Playstations and BB Guns. The dismal truth is. this time it’s gone for good. sausages.>>> in old age. the less a doting mother will see of them once they’ve flown the nest. but is at least different. often in the same day. It’s long distance. £16. But that doesn’t stop it being sad. no snoozing tumble of son tucked up in bed with the pug triumphantly snuggled in on a sunny morning when I think they should have been up 54 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 To find myself now without the framework of a young family is like learning a new dance. the food devoured in minutes. after all the blood. Everything is alarmingly tidy. Granny Smith apples and ketchup every week. and I have the sinking feeling I used to have at the end of the summer holidays. the better the job done of raising children to become independent adults. and that’s certainly something I’ll need to think about in the years to come. THE NEXT STAGE As the last of her three children prepares to leave home. Literally. sweat and tears. wisdom. At first. and that’s a part I don’t always feel like playing any more. there are upsides to this distance. where I don’t feel guilty if I haven’t been able to get home for a few months. their sister is poised to follow. but I don’t know how. but I don’t know how” for hours. and it’s a great compliment to our parenting if they kick up their heels and all but vanish to find their way. Made less bangers and mash. Peeling potatoes to make mash for a couple is absurd. peanut butter. No mud. it’s for longer than we’d spend together at home. How did that happen? It seems as if I’ve just spun around from peering into a sink full of his and his brother’s muddy football boots. on her doorstep once again. which is a healthy rite of life’s passage – I wouldn’t want it any other way.

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Think for them I used to care deeply about giving children choice. Although exhaustion drops dramatically right after a two-week break. considering the preferences of children. heat. Our best family holiday was in the French Alps. teenagers enjoying boogie-boarding.. So here is what I learned from holidaying with children that I now use as my precious family vacation guide: . demonstrating PHOTOGRAPH: VICTORIA BIRKINSHAW T he school holidays are fast approaching. waiting ages for your transfer. right. food shopping. re-packing overweight baggage in front of hundreds of people. plus cooking. Five t-shirts. reminded me of Daniel Gilbert’s research on synthetic happiness. and parents sipping a glass of wine under a parasol? Yeah. but without asking them explicitly. The outcome (happy. children bored to death. spectacularly expensive restaurants. Girls (myself included) are allowed to add three dresses. Moreover. only four hours from home (we live in France) and completely empty in August. mental and relational. cleaning and ticking boxes on a house items inventory. tummy bugs. three pairs of shorts and one pair of trousers should usually do the trick. reaching exactly the same point where it was before the vacation only four weeks after your return.. loud music you can’t stand. to where we should go. screaming children demanding water/juice/sweets/that toy/ God-knows-what-else. says Ilona Boniwell “ What makes a good family holiday?” 56 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 Think simple We’re often mesmerised by pictures of exotic foreign lands and forget to factor in lengthy. a stressful journey back is likely to cut short the necessary period of progression from worry-free time to care-laden everyday living. A happy holiday matters to our wellbeing – physical. My husband took a very different view. wondering what could have happened to 50 per cent of the forks in the space of just two weeks. Meanwhile. carefully keeping footwear under control. It bore no comparison to the unaffordable ski packages of winter – it was also our cheapest holiday ever! Think light We have a simple rule – one medium-sized suitcase per two children to keep the overall number of items down to an easily traceable number in case anything gets lost. Germany. and your kids coming back for money often because even in all-inclusive options. have shown that the positive effects of holidays do not last long. But Professors Kühnel and Sonnentag from Mannheim University. with children building sandcastles. you face traffic jams. two weeks later it’s already on the up. and dissatisfaction with the eventual outcome. He insisted that parents would take all decisions for the family group. most of the good things are somehow not included. no parasols on the beach even if you get up at 7am. The result? Arguments. It helps us prioritise needs at an individual level and to recover to face a busy year ahead.ILONA BONIW ELL ON FA MILY ‘Summertime and the living is easy. complicated arrangements that have to be endured to get there. Travel time reduces the days of vacation and increases fatigue. Who doesn’t dream of that perfect family break at the seaside. differences in opinion. from what they’d like to eat or do. on planet Earth… Airport queues.’ Really? How do you create a restful holiday if your kids are knocking lumps out of each other and you’ve lost a suitcase? You need a plan. and most of us are in holiday planning mode. And if you decide to give package holidays a miss. I was horrified at first. contented children) however.

with ‘ILONA’ in the subject line that we’re happier with reduced choices that can’t be changed than with unlimited choices we can modify at a later date. Psychologists put a high price on flow experiences because they are essential to human wellbeing. trying something new. Highly flow-conducive activities tend to be motivating and enjoyable in their own right. we tend to remember a holiday by how we felt at the end of it. adventure. time passes without us noticing. Flow-related activities have the potential to make your holiday experience richer. doing something you didn’t think you could do. as this is what will determine the memory of that holiday experience. more meaningful.uk. She lives with her husband. we’re ready to explore. rather than driven by a specific end. They require complete concentration on the application of skills. £12. Think challenge Think of the end Rest and relaxation are important for a good break. our evaluation of a past event is shaped by the peak times (pleasing or repelling) and by the way it ended (high or low). rewarding. But once their desirable level is achieved. So choose activities likely to deliver some truly special moments and end your vacation on a high. surprise. MORE INSPIRATION: Read Chapters on flow and time use in Positive Psychology In A Nutshell (Open University. They involve a challenge. to be engaged and surprised. which tests us – but doesn’t exceed our capabilities. and therefore memorable. We want to be fully absorbed by something. joyful. Apart from recalling peak moments. co.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_ we_happy J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 57 . action. and According to the Peak-End Rule.99) by Ilona Boniwell Watch Daniel Gilbert’s TED talk on ‘Surprising science of happiness’ ted. So think of activities that involve exploration. their toddler and four teenagers Got a QUESTION for Ilona? Email ilona@psychologies. to be in a state of flow. The reward is complex and penetrating – the ultimate enjoyment.the life lab DR ILONA BONIWELL is our family expert and one of the most respected positive psychologists in the world.

me and Marilyn. home and travel Be yourself DON’T MISS the July issue – on sale 30 May .Next month in 18-PAGE SPECIAL SECTION Slow down! WHYTRYING LESS MEANS MORE Hitadatingroadblock? 5 obstacles that may be holding you back GET UP AND DANCE! Shake your butt. wellbeing. by Dr Tanya Byron OTHER PEOPLE’S KIDS: survival tips for the holidays FLOWER POWER: gardening as therapy PLUS: Meaningful beauty. free your mind You. food.

try. THE AIM If you want to improve your relationship. £9. make sure you book out a bit of me-time. O Try a new approach to habitual problems. ‘No matter how weird or crazy it might seem. you can start turning things around by taking small but significant steps yourself.‘Once you change. O We need to focus less on who is right or wrong and focus more on trying to find different ways of reacting. try talking about it less. In fact. Imagine you can’t speak – how would you get your message across then? Do that! JOIN US! DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND TELL US AT FACEBOOK. do something different.’ says Weiner-Davis. Michelle Weiner-Davis. seek help or take heed of suggestions – don’t lose heart. or they keep doing or saying the same thing to try to make their partner change. don’t fix it. regardless SARAH ABELL is a relationships of who is to blame. O More action. less talk. the bestselling author of Divorce Busting (Prentice Hall & IBD. according to Weiner-Davis. THE THEORY Problems in relationships are often maintained or even aggravated by the way people try to solve them. do something you’ve never done before. things will change.’ she points out. realise that whatever we are doing is not working. believes that if you change your actions in your relationship. and try something else instead. O ‘If at first you don’t succeed.99) Try a 180-degree turn and do the exact opposite of whatever you have been doing” ILLUSTRATION: NAOMI WILKINSON/EASTWING 4 TRY IT OUT O Identify things that work or have worked in your relationship. Try a 180-degree turn and do the exact opposite of what you’ve been doing. For example. relationship changes coach and the are inevitable. If your partner won’t discuss problems. If constant discussion of the issue hasn’t helped.Sarah Abell invitesyoutotrya30-dayexperimenttoimproveyourlovelife 1 2 3 THE PROJECT It only takes one person to change a relationship. we need to stop doing more of the same.’ (Hodder. try. They often think they know what’s needed.66).COM/PSYCHOLOGIES OR ON TWITTER @PSYCHOLOGIESMAG J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 59 . again’ is a piece of advice best avoided when it comes to solving problems in relationships.the life lab THE LOV E EX PER IMENT Change your relationship yourself Everymonth. author of ‘Inside Out – How To O Her formula for building and Build Authentic maintaining a successful relationship Relationships With Everyone is a simple one: ‘If it works. if you feel happier in your relationship when you get time to yourself. and do more of them this month. £8. then keep on trying to make whatever it is happen. and In Your Life’ if it doesn’t work.

if you’ve got a heart for what it is trying to achieve. you have a responsibility to conduct acts of leadership’’ .If you’re part of a group.

He believes that we are all potential leaders. the prospect of running a huge department. If you don’t like it. You sit there. Psychologies asks him to explain… People think about leadership in a traditional way – as in our political leaders or management at work.isoverwhelming and unappealing. I’ve never understood why people crave power. but an idea that came from others in the group who were encouraged to take part. I am a leader. Turn the page to see which of the four leadership types best matches you – and >>> those around you. writes Elizabeth Heathcote WORK ILLUSTRATIONS: GETTY IMAGES. But whenwasthelasttimeachildcouldask: ‘Teacher. because despite not being numberoneinajob. It’s just not me.Icontributewithin my family. we all have the ability within us. my team at work and my friends in resolving conflicts. be quiet and are told what to do. Yet. We all watch people parrot nonsense and because they’ve got a position or title. and that we have a responsibility to take on that role. coach and writer Les McKeown. I’ve never thought of myself as a leader. But we’ve all been in interactions where the team has moved forward. But they take little action. Rarely do you see people do things that help us get closer to our common goals. Do we need more leadership? I think there is a desperate need for real leadership.youhavearesponsibility to conduct acts of leadership. sometimes not due to a decision by the ‘leader’. and this is my suggestion. If you’re part of a group. inspiring others. That can be in any environment – people tell me they use my ideas in relationship counselling. or ‘prestige’ jobs like prime minister. or even the PTA atmychildren’sschool. and how our style fits alongside others’. as Les McKeown outlines in his new book. what’s yours?’ How can we teach our children this? We can encourage people in a group environment to express their ideas. and we’re trying to achieve some common goals.Unleashyour inner le ader [ ] We may think leadership only applies to a small number of people but. I encourage people to move their definition of leadership away from the idea that it’s got to be something heroic. How do you go about it? Make a decision – ask ‘what’s best for us as a group?’ – and see what happens. according to businessman. Some people will think: I’m not the boss. they’re referred to as leaders. in all areas of their lives. but the definition has become diluted. SHUTTERSTOCK L eaders are different. whether you are the ‘leader’ or not. Are you saying we can all be leaders? Any act that gets a group of two or more people closer to their common goals is an act of leadership. if you’ve got a heart for what itistryingtoachieve. would it be good if we tried this?’ Children are taught that’s not how life works. in a football club. my response would be: ‘Who I think I am is part of this group just like you. It can be frowned upon: ‘who do you think you are?’ Rather than doing nothing. But I don’t want to be bossy… Our culture has a mindset that numbs people from taking a position of leadership. Do Lead. J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 61 . how can I apply this advice? Most people believe you’ve got to be in front to lead. and moving things along. McKeown says our understanding of leadership needs to be redefined. He also believes that we each have an innate leadership style – the key lies in understanding this.

which requires systems and processes. Visionaries love to talk. but they find it hard to comply with them. but to the process. but they get bored quickly. When a business gets to the stage where it needs a Processor. loyal team O Starter. which everybody involved thinks is a personality issue. So there is a major clash. after 20 minutes. McKeown says: ‘Processors love bringing order to chaos and scaleability. An Operator [opposite] can grow a business or system. there can be a big battle. ‘I coach Visionaries to hold a pen up when they are giving instructions. put the pen on the table. O Thrives on systems and processes O Risk-averse and sceptical O Likes data.work t e h t y r a n o i s i r o v s s e c o r p >>> FIND YOUR TYPE Whatkindof leaderareyou? The Visionary O Full of ideas O Most comfortable working on long-term strategic issues O Embraces (and needs) change and risk O Often charismatic and builds a tight. but other people don’t know whether this constant babble is a series of instructions. the Visionary starts on the next idea and everyone thinks. ‘Processors tend not to be loyal to a company or a project. and consistency. and wait to see if they mention it again.’ .’ 62 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 O Likes to bring order to chaos O Does not like ambiguity O A processor risks becoming a bureaucrat – someone so consumed with systems and processes that they cannot deviate. Put their idea in a file. or if they’re just meant to nod their heads. Producing large-scale growth and change depends on repeatability. The Visionary and Operator intellectually recognise the need for a Processor. They should align with a Processor who can look after the details. but will always hit a barrier. eschews intuitive leaps of faith O Precise O Focuses on efficiency and consistency O Logical thinker McKeown says: ‘Visionaries are great at ideas. not a finisher O Alternates between The Processor bursts of energy and periods of recharge O Gets bored with details O Often founder/owner of companies O A visionary risks becoming an arsonist: setting fires without achieving much. If they do. It is important. So it can feel like the Processor isn’t a team player. and when they are just brainstorming. it may be important and need action. but it’s actually a clash of roles. “what do I do with all that?” The best way to treat Visionaries is with benign neglect. because otherwise.

a classic Visionary way of acting is to call an urgent meeting at 9am (because everything is urgent to a Visionary). Sometimes they are.’ ‘Do Lead’ by Les McKeown (The Do Book Co. Can they slow down enough to comply? Probably the most effective individual in an organisation is an Operator who has taught themselves Processor skills. O Focused on what is best for the organisation. has learned over time that this puts people’s backs up. McKeown says: ‘If the Visionary is about what we are going to do and the Operator is about doing it and the Processor is about how we do it. For example. one person is out front shaking hands with everyone. A Visionary Synergist. Operator or Processor itch when they get together with other people. but they like being told what to do – they don’t like to work it out for themselves. For example. Does not like working in a vacuum O Intensely task-focused O Satisfaction for Operators comes from completing projects and fulfilling others’ visions O An operator risks becoming a maverick – someone who won’t play ball. They know how to make people work well together and get the best out of a team.99) is out now J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 63 .99/ebook £4. making sure they’ve got enough product for the next day and the customers are being served. in a local café. being the Visionary. so they arrive on time. the Synergist is about who’s going to do it – the people. But they don’t like meetings. That is a powerful combination. They can seem to be ruthless and mercenary. ‘Synergists have learned to subdue the need to scratch the Visionary. they tend to clash with others. But they can appear to be working their own agenda. but instead is a learned characteristic O Synergists risk becoming a sleaze – someone who is so concerned with the people’s wellbeing that they come across as sleazy. rather than their own personal preference O More detached perspective than the other leader types O Being a Synergist is McKeown says: ‘An Operator’s greatest strength is that they get stuff done. particularly the Operator. £8. ‘Operators are best in a small organisation. Because of this. then stroll in 20 minutes late. They never seem to actually do anything. It’s really just a matter of emotional intelligence. Operators get upset if someone tries to over-regulate them.the operator The Operator the t s i g r e n sy The Synergist O Gets things done and O Prefers action to theory O People-oriented makes things happen O Hardworking. but it can be other people incorrectly interpreting their desire to get things done. working closely with a Visionary. however. ‘The challenge comes where there are systems and processes laid down that the Operator is meant to comply with. like compliance – what I call an OP.’ not usually an innate preference like the other leadership types. practical O Overcomes obstacles and improvises solutions O Likes clear directions. while the other is the Operator.

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Don’t assume big decisions is the author of always require careful consideration. hoping for the perfect answer. We like to think we’re unique. so subsequent choices you take later in the day may be worse. not too much – in any given problem.toss a coin… but don’t look. First. TRY IT OUT O Use the coin-toss method. It’s easy to get mired in ‘analysis paralysis’. but in many contexts. If it won’t matter in a month or a week. O Use the time-travel technique. pick the first option that ticks those boxes. Imagine booking a venue for an event: you need a room of a certain capacity. make any choice – it’s not worth the worry.we aren’t.99) better advised to trust your gut.Will this decision matter a year from now? If not.the life lab THE WOR K EX PER IMENT How to avoid decision fatigue Every month.You’ll often make a good decision by asking someone who’s faced something similar. then. Huge People Who decisions – like ‘should I move overseas Can’t Stand PositiveThinking’ for work?’ – are so complex that you’re (Canongate. THE THEORY You’ll often make a good decision by asking someone else.assign heads or tails. ‘The Antidote: Happiness for Some studies indicate the opposite. JOIN US! TELL US WHAT YOU THINK AT FACEBOOK. That doesn’t mean consigning decisions to luck.Ask yourself which outcome you’re secretly hoping for. with certain facilities. it’s only worth a modest amount of effort. for a certain price. either. O Ask someone. But it’s often better to be a ‘satisficer’. modern office work consists of nothing but decisions. The trick is to invest the right amount of thought – not too little. or make lists of pros and cons? 2 ILLUSTRATION: NAOMI WILKINSON/EASTWING 3 THE AIM Making decisions takes time. And it leads to ‘decision fatigue’: it uses up energy. figure out what would be a good-enough outcome. and doing what they did. Oliver Burkeman invites you to try out a new work concept 1 THE PROJECT ‘Looked at one way. the satisficer chooses the first one that fulfils those OLIVER BURKEMAN requirements. and doing what they did” 4 Many of us are ‘maximisers’ who try to make the best decision every time. The maximiser spends days hunting for the ‘perfect’ place.There’s your answer.When facing a big dilemma. £8. from big dilemmas (Should you take that job? Should your firm invest millions in a new HQ?) to tiny choices through the day.COM/PSYCHOLOGIES OR ON TWITTER @PSYCHOLOGIESMAG J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 65 . Imagine you’re in the future. Is it best to go with your gut. It’s stressful.Yet few of us learn the art of decision-making. when a rough-and-ready one would suffice.

to that last. On one hand. If these women were real – if they had feelings. They have three children from two marriages. while for many women.’ His fantasy isn’t about her – there’s no emotional involvement. Dan doesn’t want to have an affair. it quickly escalates into a Mexican standoff: who’s to say what’s valid? I invite Lily to consider that what excites Dan is precisely that the women in his fantasies are not real. I really do. he’d feel betrayed . says Esther Perel “ What is monogamy of the mind?’ 66 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 unless she brought the fantasy into their relationship.’ he says. Women PHOTOGRAPH: CHRISTOPHER LANE.’ This is swiftly followed by a barrage of personal attacks. But he agrees if Lily was chatting to a man online. a more concrete seductive fantasy that could become reality. his need to justify himself hints at guilt and shame. ‘You call yourself a decent person? What kind of father does this? What message are you sending the children?’ she demands. and ‘you don’t project anything on the woman. but theirs. 42. ‘It’s far less risky to get off over some actress than to fantasise about my 28-year-old secretary bending over my desk.ESTHER PER EL ON R EL ATIONSHIPS What do you do when you discover that your partner is looking at internet porn? Maybe it’s more useful to open up a discussion rather than to simply condemn. insecurities. it is more transgressive. you’re cheating on me. Rather.’ When they try to talk. prostitutes. needs. he feels he isn’t doing anything wrong. he gets off on scenes of submissive women who surrender to his will. she doesn’t understand the importance of the erotic dimension in our relationship. Dan is 49.andshe’sfurious. ‘How can you look at it?’ she keeps asking. porn provides the fantasy for you. Lily.’ Whereas with the secretary at work. Ironically. He admits that as a man who sees himself as a constant pleaser in his life. strip clubs. *NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED L ily* has accidentally discovered pornography onherhusbandDan’scomputer. Who’s to say what’s acceptable? Before they had children. many men think watching porn prevents them from being unfaithful. or an affair? Is chat infidelity? Or reconnecting with an ex on Facebook? And would he be using porn if he had more and better sex with his wife? Or does he find something in cyberspace that’s uniquely compelling? Probably yes. there is a more active engagement with the fantasy. like Lily. It is the very absence of psychological complexity that fuels his arousal. Many questions emerge from this. He sees it as a carefully chosen stimulation – a generic woman comes at you. opinions – no fake breasts would do it. it’s an infidelity. say. But Dan laments her disconnection from her own sexuality. like Dan. ‘I feel the loss of that. more real. ‘She doesn’t view it as valid any more. Dan’s porn habit feels as bad as infidelity. but on the other. is an art director. What makes monogamy and fidelity last? What are the different degrees of betrayal? Is masturbation without porn OK? What about massages with ‘happy endings’. and a TV producer.’ Dan feels – and acts – like a 14-year-old boy who’s been caught. Lily did indulge in Dan’s fantasies. but for Lily. ‘I feel betrayed. ‘Is the problem that I masturbate or that I look at porn?’ Dan asks. which would mean it was no longer her fantasy. Now she attributes her resistance to domestic worries. ‘it’s one with yourself.

family and infidelity. long-term relationship? How can Dan and Lily integrate both points of view into their relationship? Maybe not surprisingly. It partly meets men’s need to compartmentalise their sexual and emotional lives. high-intensity sex’. Perhaps there’s nothing like the fear of loss.com Watch: ted. They don’t thwart him and he never feels inadequate. They never have a headache or say ‘not tonight’. MORE INSPIRATION: Read: psychologytoday.the life lab ESTHER PEREL is a psychologist. At what stage do people put a marriage at risk? How much sexual freedom are we expected to give up in return for a stable. Women in most porn films neutralise male vulnerability.com/speakers/cindy_gallop J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 67 . concerns itself with ‘low emotion. author and speaker regarded as one of the world’s most insightful voices on sexuality GOT A QUESTION FOR ESTHER? Email esther@ psychologies. they had the best sex they’d had in a year. This pair need a good conversation about pornography. secure. mostly produced by and for men. because they’re in a state of ecstatic bliss that’s entirely his doing. as they’re always responsive and fully satisfied. But it also serves a purpose of reassurance against male insecurities. They confirm his virility. But he identifies with the need for an emotion-free zone where sex can be raw and unencumbered.uk. They always orgasm – and then some. objectified) to absorb his imaginary projections and fulfil his needs. after Lily’s discovery. Dan isn’t particularly welcoming of the idea that his porn habit may be related to sexual insecurity. to ignite the fires. inadequacies and dependencies – his and hers – might be temporarily suspended.com/blog/sexual-intelligence/ 201105/porn-addict-or-selfish-bastard-life-is-morecomplicated Log on: martyklein.co. with ‘ESTHER’ in the subject line in porn must be sufficiently empty (that is. sexual and otherwise. or a little anger. to segregate secure relationships from rash urges. and where all vulnerabilities. Heterosexual pornography.

a consultant psychiatrist at the Leicestershire Partnership Trust specialising in anxiety and mood disorders. experienced during depression’. I put Whoopee cushions in my son’s party bags. which is why it’s a tragedy we appear to be going through a ‘laughter recession’. I know when I’m starting to feel unwell because I begin to lose my sense of humour. Dr Nick Stafford.Areyou having a laugh? [ ] Mental health blogger and Psychologies columnist Martha Roberts explains the important role Whoopee cushions and TV comedies play in training her brain for happiness A friend and I were discussing types of humour recently. ‘That will never be me!’ I declared when I read about our endemic seriousness. you don’t. I agree with psychologist Anjula Mutanda. says that this humour loss is ‘probably a dimension of anhedonia – an inability to enjoy the things you usually enjoy. But sadly. in truth. at times. The 68 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 average adult now laughs just 7. the 2010s so far. While others might cite a lack of money (55 per cent) or work pressures (30 per cent) as the main humour thieves. hoping she’d plump for a more sophisticated ‘witty’ or ‘dry’. I own a remote-controlled fart machine. now I’ve got a proper diagnosis. both my appreciation of funny things and my capacity to amuse. she’s probably right. I’m learning where humour fits in. that it’s been changed to Pure Maths. who laugh up to 400 times per day. And when I found a fake dog turd in my bedside table last week I thought a) how funny and b) I was wondering where I’d put that. But.’ shesaid. I am personally pointing the finger at mental health. the next. Charlie Chaplin once said ‘a day without laughter is a day wasted’ and I agree. A recent study by Oxford University’s Professor Gordon Claridge suggested humour and disorders like bipolar can be connected – people like me. it already is. ‘One day you find something funny. who brands the statistics ‘shocking’. he says. I don’t get it. An ex-partner once said. as you turn the paper over.withouthesitation. Where humour fits PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES SELF So.2 times per day compared to children. ‘Yours is definitely puerile. which I find endlessly hilarious. I protested. rank as the least fun decade in the past 60 years. According to a 2012 survey. latterly.’ It’s a bit puzzling – likerevisingforanEnglishexamonlyto be told. bipolar. can possess unusual personalities and an >>> . I now realise it was because I was unwell with depression and.

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I’m reminded I’ve laughed at these before and can therefore. but sharing a joke or sense of humour and laughing together makes people feelthatthey’reinthesame“in-group”. and there.’ Personally. ‘Notfunny’. At that point. the vegetation flattened by hordes of walkers and animals who. But just as PHOTOGRAPH: CORBIS >>> . ‘Not funny’. it connects me to a world I feel I’m in danger of falling out of sync with. the ‘kindling’ is effectively stressful life events. I know I’m beginning to wobble. Crucially. by default. like the Great Wall of China. new comedy is too challenging and risky – what if it’s not funny enough and I end up even more depressed? And so I return to old. hypomanic direction. I feel humour loss is both symptomatic of impending depression and a bellwether of my declining wellness. when I start to quip to excess and find the world 4-D hilarious. for example. lead to depression just as much as one big one. My ‘depression pathway’ has become so strong over the years that I wonder whether it could be seen from space. In psychiatry. original and humorous connections. ones that enable me to track my own illness and wellness. like The Office.self ability to think ‘outside the box’ which helps them ‘combine ideas to form new. I think it also has diagnostic qualities. IknowI’m startingtofeel unwellwhenIbegin tolosemysenseof humour–bothmy appreciationoffunny thingsandcapacity toamuse. the kindling theory also suggests that eventually the episodes may occur spontaneously and without a trigger. do so again. Goddard called this response to even a small trigger ‘kindling’.’ 70 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 In 1967. thenI’m beginningtowobble” Funny business Either way. in the same way you need kindling such as twigs to light a fire of bigger logs. and you’ll find yourself heading along a well-worn pathway before you even realise it. create a well-defined and easy route. I know it’s time to look after myself. Psychiatrist. Canadian neuroscientist Graham Goddard noticed that lab rats had epileptic seizures in response to triggers and continued to do so even when a small trigger was introduced. The Vicar Of Dibley or Miranda. But one of the best ways to restore my humour balance is to watch familiar funny TV scenes. Pathway to progress I imagine my neural pathway from wellness to illness like an actual path running along the edge of a cornfield. the suggestion being that lots of little and seemingly insignificant stresses can. neuroscientist and leadership coach Dr Tara Swart says: ‘Mental illness can be very isolating. In doing so. Conversely. The comedy reconnects me with my intrinsic love of humour and pierces like a ray of hope through the cloud of depression. over time.IfIthink. I find a miracle salve. familiar stuff. hopefully soon. When I start to think. And this can be inclusive and bonding – something that people with mental illnesses can miss out on and which can bejustasdebilitatingastheillnessitself. I know this could be the start of a wobble but in an upwards. Nine hours-plus sleep for three nights sets me back on track.

But when Broderick leaves and gives Phil a kiss at the end of the episode and Phil finally gets it (and kinda likes it). I feel that I’m helping to spark off a kindling effect in the opposite direction – back towards humour and away from dark thoughts.OUR OWN FAVOURITE TV COMEDIES GOGGLEBOX Loved by: Ali Roff. deputy editor Part of what makes watching this so funny is the reaction of others watching with you – my boyfriend cringes and hides behind the nearest cushion. You can’t beat our sarcastic. reliable comedy packed withjokesthatbathemeinthewarmth of familiarity. I’m finding other things funny. and before I know it. CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM Loved by: Lauren Hadden. You’re essentially watching people watching TV. There’s something familiar about the show. but the situations they put themselves in are so extreme you have to laugh. is ‘awkward comedy’ in the same vein as The Office – you feel embarrassment for the character. Larry David. JA’MIE: PRIVATE SCHOOL GIRL Loved by: Danielle Woodward. This applies to many areas of treatment. a path to and from somewhere. Just by watching old. but I wonder could it also be the case that positive ones might lead back towards wellness? Dr Stafford. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what it is about the show that makes me laugh – maybe it’s the nature of caricature and underlying truth of it.co. but bear with me. My favourite a real path runs both ways. too. so I feel it could be the case with the depression pathway. but this brings me back to the days of sharing the sofa with my sister as a teenager. I watch it last thing and go to sleep with a smile on my face. tells me: ‘I strongly believe in your idea of rekindling neural pathways with behavioural therapies. This ‘humour convalescence’ starts with TV and gets rolled out to the rest of my life.’ Humour is definitely mine. who’s also a past vicechair of Bipolar UK. are a relief to their mental state. and I laugh out loud at people sitting at home taking the mickey out of the latest news blunder. I can see the absurd in things. dossier editor I don’t watch much TV. and I can giggle along with them. Why? Because the main man. what’s going on here is both horrified laughter – I can’t believe Larry’s just said that – and a kind of relief – I’m so glad games or watching films. is the personification of foot-in-mouth syndrome and sometimes it’s too painful to watch. He’s an innocent buffoon who doesn’t realise it despite everyone else being able to see it – including his wife. Others find more passive. and humour is obviously one of them. slightly cynical sense of humour. I feel my humour replenishing. neural pathways in my own way without even consciously knowing it. from the hairflicking and body movements to the slang. which he gets down to a tee. it makes me cry with laughter. I live in my own place. written by and starring Australian comedian Chris Lilley. editor I love Phil Dunphy in Modern Family. Part of it is the ridiculousness of a 39-year-old man impersonating a teenage girl. Tricky life events might lead down a path to depression. this time… Remembering that shame and embarrassment are universal emotions can be such a relief. MODERN FAMILY Loved by: Suzy Greaves. The public at large is truly hilarious. such as playing computer episode is when Matthew Broderick guest-stars as a gay man who ‘picks up’ Phil at the gym and Phil just thinks he has a new friend. chief sub-editor This mockumentary. distracting activities. indeed anything that involves activity and the promotion of activity. especially when you’ve known girls like this from your own school days. making jokes about what was happening on the screen in front of us. Perhaps I am – as Dr Stafford suggests can happen – helping to rekindle these it was him not me. ‘I’M NOT BEING FUNNY BUT…’ send a 500-word humorous piece to laughter@psychologies.uk and we’ll vote for and feature our favourites J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 71 . but more as a chance to usher myself back towards normality. I now see those moments not as times of weakness. For me. as I probably used to. and the world becomes well once more. As I sit under a blanket watching old episodes of Friends (Joey trying to speak French still does it for me). but lately I’ve found myself recording Gogglebox.

THE DOSSIER .

But in reality. explore the surprising secrets that are the key to happy relationships. and no great story is complete without it. In this month’s Dossier.The secrets to enduring love Write me of hope and love. a ‘forever love’ is what we actually want at all PHOTOGRAPHY ELLIOTT ERWITT/MAGNUM PHOTOS J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 73 . and hearts that endured” Emily Dickinson Everlasting love: it’s the stuff of fantastic literature and music over time. we look at the latest research into howandwhycouplesmakelong-term relationships a success. and ask if today. making a relationship last a lifetime on a day-to-day basis can be difficult.

crucially. or other small acts of kindness. Successful couples pulled together during those times of stress. ‘Overall. this is precisely the reason why researchers at the Open University chose to devote a major new relationship study to the topic recently. possibly starring Richard Gere.’ she explains. a partner saying ‘thank you’ was prized most highly by all groups in the survey – men. losing a job or moving house.’ says Gabb. For example. In fact. why should these small things mean so much? ‘It’s the glue that keeps a couple together. it’s not a concept that we hear so much about in real life. We also realised that for most people. those with children and without. they found other individuals in their lives to confide in as well. willing to be curious about the other and to express their needs” relationships. family of origin. While the greatest love stories may celebrate grand gestures. Co-author Jacqui Gabb is a senior lecturer in social policy at the Open University. women. But.’ Some of the findings give cause for optimism – for example. THE LIT TLE DETAILS Overall. there needs to be mutual vulnerability. But let’s face it.’ says Susan Quilliam. starting a new course. But from a psychological point of view. ‘Enduring Love: Couple Relationships In The 21st Century’ aimed to investigatehowandwhycouplesstaytogether for the long haul. heterosexual and gay. colleagues and perhaps surprisingly with pets – which many couples mentioned. with the humble ‘cup of tea’ being singled out for particular appreciation. The very phrase itself br ings to m ind power ballads or an epic Hollywood romance. Recognition of the time and effort required to complete tiresome household chores also scored highly. The couple is embedded in other sets of 74 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 “First. the evidence suggests that it is really is the ‘small stuff’. airing those everyday niggles and getting rid of stuff that you need to move off your plate before it builds up into something much bigger. friends. the couple isn’t the be-all and end-all of their lives. ‘But until now. they didn’t look to their partner to provide the only source of support. ‘There has been lots of research about the pressures on longterm relationships and what causes them to fail. >>> . be it going through miscarriage. meaning each partner is willing to be open to the other. happy romance E nduring love. Being there for each other through difficulties and heartache was cited by both men and women as something that makes their relationships stronger. what we discovered is that there’s no such thing as ‘the typical couple’ and we’re starting relationships at different life stages. long-term relationships? Anita Chaudhuri looks at the latest research on enduring love in the 21st century and discovers the ingredients for healthy. were just as important. as did conversations definedbyGabbas‘reflectivebickering’. it seems to be the case that ‘what doesn’t break you will make you’ in terms of external stressors on the relationship such as illness.THE DOSSIER M A KE LOV E L A ST ALWAYS AND FOREVER What is it that makes love endure? Is there a secret formula to happy. ‘We were surprised to see just how many stressful factors were happening to all couples. with children.unemploymentorbereavement. the study found that regular surprise treats like a box of chocolates. the seemingly insignificant daily acts of kindness and subtle gestures of thoughtfulness that nourish and sustain relationships over the long haul. there hasn’t been any large-scale study of relationship experience about how couples are making things work on an everyday level.

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more likely. non-mothers placed it in third position. including watching a much-loved TV show or box-set together on a regular basis.’ says Gabb.THE DOSSIER >>> psychologist and relationship coach. . the time and capacity to factor it into busy family lives. It was often the man making a choice to be compassionate and choosing to spare his partner’s feelings by not bringing up painful issues.’ MUTUAL INTERESTS Shared activities were found to have a profoundly positive impact on couples. ‘And remember.perhaps reliving happy memories. but we can feel supported and appreciated by it. that wasn’t always a sign of him opting out. MAKING LOVE When it comes to sex. Dancing together was also important. glue is something that goes a long way spread very thinly over a flat surface! These day-to-day gestures give us a number of things psychologically. but instead parents versus non-parents. but just as happy with the rest of their lives overall.thestudyfound.’ says Gabb. however. Parents are revealed as the group least likely to make time for each other. relating to one another in relation to the story – that becomes part of the ongoing fabric of their lives. ‘Indeed for some couples. while all parents cited it down the list at number six. that they have the stamina to keep the relationship going. That gives us a sense of safety. They give us security and remind us that the other person is committed. we discovered from our interviews with men that if he chose not to talk about the relationship. Non-fathers ranked it number two in terms of importance.’ she adds. to say ‘I love you’ and to talk openly to one another. ‘Just dancing around the living room to afavouritesongandhavingfun. Thatnon-verbalcommunication. Mothers are the least satisfied with theirrelationships. There was one dramatic difference. ‘This suggests that parenthood diminishes either the need for couple affection or.’ says Gabb. Fathers are lesshappywiththeirrelationshipsthan non-fathers. the decision not to talk everything through was what kept them together. ‘Doing something like unloading the dishwasher every night might not be recognised as ‘relationship work’. both men and women without children rated physical affection far more highly than parents. in terms of how happy certain categories of people were with their relationships – and surprisingly. the 76 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 “Successful couples pulled together during times of stress. we discovered. ‘Similarly.alook or a caress. they found other individuals in their lives to confide in as well” central factor didn’t turn out to be men versus women.but happiest with life overall. could be hugely important.’ Couples also reported feeling nurtured by more subtle acts. crucially. to pursue shared interests. But. but actually the way couples talk about a show. ‘It might feel trivial.

all men were three times more likely to mention sexual intimacy as something which makes them feel appreciated. But if you’re with a man for whom physical connection is a sign of love. ‘I’m not in the mood for sex. it’s very common for mothers to renegotiate the frequency of sex. It isn’t just about the actual minutes and hours you spend together. It’s marking the past but at the same time. also creating intent for the future. Psychologist Susan Quilliam suggests how to make them work for you 1 NURTURE Find practical and emotional ways to ‘feed’ your relationship every day O Find out what’s important to your partner and deliver it. 4 CELEBRATE Adopt some kind of ritual to mark the passage of time or celebrate special occasions O Celebrating anniversaries with a meal out or a special day is hugely important. Touch your partner as you pass by each other in the hall. as they worry their partner will assume it will lead to sex. so really it’s the cuddles that keep you both together.MUST-DO LOVE LIST The Enduring Love project identified four key forms of positive relationship practice. J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 77 . It’s important to maintain physical closeness in other ways. 2 However. and shared recollection (or couple memory) afterwards. and do so regularly if that is important to your partner. but I’d >>> really love a cuddle. then be on time – even if that’s not your own pattern. I often find that they get to about a minute and then one of them bursts into tears. Sometimes a private ritual where you sit down with a photo album and look back at the past year creates closeness. ‘After you’ve had children. then that renegotiation can hit them very hard. and curl up together on the sofa to watch TV. O Even if you haven’t that much free time. O It’s about marking what you’ve been through as a couple – the happy times. so it brings back the memories and rebonds you. cutting off cuddles as well as sex will be a real doublewhammy. but – surprisingly – dissatisfaction EMBRACE Physical contact and sensory intimacy are just as important as sex in the long term O Once the honeymoon period is over. If it matters to them that you turn up on time. for example. O Sometimes women are wary of initiating physical contact.’ Mothers report that they want to have sex less often than their partners do. It’s much better to say. It’s because when we first meet a lover. start with this simple exercise. for example. ‘Once they have a family. Look at the tiny things that matter to them. But remembering to cuddle is vitally important – it releases bonding hormones. but also the sad times and the challenges you’ve coped with. most couples know that they’re not going to be having sex every night. it provides security and validation that you’ve reached this milestone together.’ Quilliam points out. When I do this with couples. Mother Nature isn’t that interested in women having sex. planning and doing something as a pair creates anticipation beforehand.’ 3 INVEST Use plans and habits to keep the spirit of romance alive O Make time for each other – schedule in some date nights. Be prepared to kindly teach your partner what’s important to you – thank them when they remember to make you coffee when they are having tea. Sit and gaze into each other’s eyes for as long as you can. we tend to spend a lot of time doing exactly this. is it important to them to have some space that is tidy even if you’re not? O Nurturing also means making sure you are happy. And if sex is a sign of love for the male partner.

True equality is where you have all of those things. so that each partner is pulling their weight to maintain the couple – not just one of you” knows the answer.weneed influence.Third. It’samindsetaboutwhose time.uk/researchprojects/enduringlove/ . whether we’re parents or not? ‘People get really hung up on the idea that equality means each person should do equal hours of housework. especially if he’s the primary breadwinner. mutually.Whileshe believes that domestic practicalities are important. the other person. meaning each partner is willing to be open to the other. atunement. £46. she lists her four key emotional components required for an equal partnership. defined here as a willingness to both accommodate. ‘First.’ says Carmen Knudson-Martin. go to open. goals and interests are more important – which person is going to make sacrifices for the other. ‘The person in a relationship who has more freedom and choices is the one with morepower. and the woman often ends up feeling that she isn’t loved. ‘A mancanenduphavingalotmorepower. author of Couples Gender And Power (Springer Publishing Company. where you are really noticing the needs of the other andrespondingtothem. the more powerful one tends not to notice what the other needs. so each partner is pulling their weight to maintain the couple – not just one of you. men come to counselling and are truly puzzled about why their partner is so unhappy. Typically.50). too.’ WHAT’S THE SECRET ? So how do we achieve more equality in our relationships. willing to be curious about the other and to express their needs. and also their mistakes.they’re in a dynamic that takes two people to create. why should parenthood have a negative impact on romantic partnerships? ‘Relationships are about the flow of power. we need shared relational responsibility. Any time one person has more power than the other.ac.>>> with sexual frequency per se does not appear to undermine the overall relationship satisfaction for either mothers or fathers.’saysKnudson-Martin.’ For more on the Enduring Love project. if a woman is asked ‘what is it that you want from your relationship?’ she often no longer 78 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 “We need shared relational responsibility. ‘Once kids come into the picture. Finally. Second.’ Children can often upset the balance of power in a relationship. POWER PL AY Leaving aside exhaustion. That’s a bit differentfromwhodoesthevacuuming. It’snotthatthey’reabadperson. there needs to be mutual vulnerability.’ says Knudson-Martin. But work and money can also play a part. and be changed by.

beauty and wellbeing director: ‘I love lavender and. But it turns out that by living more spontaneously.’ says Hemmings. my husband found the time to go to the garden centre and replant our back garden with a path of lavender.’ The Psychologies team share the little spontaneous moments in our relationships that made a big difference. 100 per cent of women said they felt more loved and appreciated whenever their partner planned something spontaneous for them to do together.’ Hemmings explains.. during a hard week.’ J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 79 .’ DANIELLE WOODWARD. but I’m still not sure about the marshmallow and smoked salmon combo!’ EMINÉ ALI RUSHTON.THE DOSSIER ACTING ON IMPULSE LIVING ON THE EDGE Spontaneity can be exciting and romantic. chief sub editor: ‘On the weekend. but the research shows there are benefits to women letting go of their anxiety and embracing spontaneity’’ 30% of men were most pleased to see that living spontaneously gave them an opportunity to kiss and cuddle their partner more. but when my husband is away working in the US. 15% of women reported increased feelings of anxiety and worry when men were in control of the new spontaneous plans.’ SUZY GREAVES. he often calls me even when we have no time or nothing to talk about. and created a pink picnic to feast on – only pink food and drink allowed.’ ‘‘Men are easier to please with surprises. my husband often quietly gets up with the kids at 6. and fill our hanging baskets with it. ‘But the results show that there are benefits to women letting go of their anxiety and embracing spontaneity. we can improve both our relationships and the way we feel about life in general W hat could happen if you lived more spontaneously? Psychologist Jo Hemmings conducted an experiment with Lastminute.. ‘Scheduled. from hiding romantic notes to going to the theatre on a whim. I opened the door and there he was with a big bunch of sunny yellow flowers for me as well. needing less time to think about what was happening or get themselves ready. ‘Much of this is down to heightened excitement and anticipation that breaks with routine.com. The adrenalin rush creates desire and intimacy. 54% of couples had sex more often than they did before they tried to live more spontaneously. communication and intimacy in their relationships. but seizing the moment can be difficult when you factor in a daily commute or getting kids to bed on time. to test whether a spontaneous lifestyle would improve their relationship. This goes a long way in keeping relationships fresh and exciting going into the future. acting art director: ‘After 30 years together we aren’t that romantic (our kids would kill us!). emotionally or physically. watery-eyed. red-nosed. ‘Women generally felt happier when they had some control over what was happening to them. editor: ‘Our first Valentine’s Day I came home to find my boyfriend had run me a pink bubble bath. My fiancé said he’d go to the shop for it. asking couples to perform gestures big and small. having forgotten some essential item I’d meant to buy. just to say goodnight. and men were easier to please with surprises. ANNE-CLAIRE LOUGHMAN. routine sex can become more spontaneous in harmony with our other activities. so I’d come home to a beautiful calming haven. It’s worth so much with the kids being so little and full of beans. Far better than a card. However. 80% of couples reported increased levels of confidence. The kindness of little gestures like that means the world to me.’ LYNNE LANNING. sub editor: ‘I got in from work one night with a rotten cold. and when he came back he rang the bell instead of using his key.30am and looks after them so I can lie in and have breakfast in bed.

And the internet connects us to people with similar interests at the click of a mouse. are we rejecting the fairytale? Life-long partnerships are no longer a necessity. It opens me up to new things.‘I’msinglebecause I was born that way. If you meet someone who makes you happy then great.Isplit up with a boyfriend of three years. My whole life thrived. I felt fresher through better sleep. Do you feel there is a social stigma attached to choosing to be single? We’ve moved away from that hapless BridgetJonesstereotype. with no-one to run it by. To be told in a world where we’re encouraged to be independent. That’s why it’safairytale–it’simpossibletoexpect so much from one person. We lived together so I expected to find the transition hard. As women gain more independence. professionally. Many can’t accept single as a long-term lifestyle choice. Ionlyquestioneditwhen. spiritually. Swedish researchers identified something close to a single gene. emotionally. get married and have kids. it’s seen as a temporary state. I love men. Suddenly I was free to do whatever I wanted. And the belief that this person you partner with will fulfil you on every level. dating – but I don’t want a 24/7 relationship where I feel like I belong to someone. conventional monogamous relationship. we don’t even need a man to start a family any more. but all I felt was relief. It’s not compatible with modern life. The danger comes when we use this ‘one size fits all’ approach to relationships and we assume it’s what everyone wants” with relationships and less likely to be married. It’s not that I don’t want to fall in love. independence and the emancipation of women are contributing to this step away from the fairytale. financially and socially. the fact that I can be myself and be totally in control of my schedule. There’s also been a dramatic rise in single parents and the percentage of unmarried women between the ages of 18 and 49 hasmorethandoubledoverageneration. financially. Women are independent. So yes.aged29. and all the conventional rules that go with it. In 2008. but you don’t have to in order to be fulfilled. but for people with the hypothetical ‘single gene’.forgeourcareerpathsand standonourowntwofeet. new friends and opportunities. it can feel stifling. They found men with ‘a 334 version of the AVPR1A gene’ tended to be more dissatisfied “There is nothing wrong with wanting everlasting love. expected to last a lifetime. we took every relationship as it came and celebrated the joys of single life? Author Helen Croydon says ‘forget the fairytale’.’ I think there is a personality trait that dictates how comfortable we are flying solo. But that moment never arrived. When did you decide to say ‘screw the fairytale’? I used to believe in it – that I’d find the perfect man.THE DOSSIER Q&A DANCING ON YOUR OWN Sick of being asked if you’ve met ‘The One’ yet? What if instead of focusing on finding a forever love. I interviewed several long-term happy singletons and many were frustrated that the first thing friends ask is ‘any new love interest?’ regardless of anything else in their lives. For those who don’t enjoy being alone the fairytale is apt. a cohabiting. is ridiculous. Are some people predisposed by personality to be single? MaeWestoncesaid. and richer as I wasn’t going on weekends away I couldn’t afford. and invites you to do the same INTERVIEW ALI ROFF What is ‘the fairytale’ to you? It’stheideathatyoumergeyourlifewith someone.butsingletons are still considered in need of fixing. sex. or have the thrill of romance. 80 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 Why do you enjoy being single? It’s the freedom. But there’s been a 50 per cent increase in single households since the 1990s. I expected to feel ready for a ‘proper boyfriend’ again in a few months. .thatwecan’t be happy until we meet someone who understands us on every single level. I feel more relaxed and have more get-up-and-go when I’m single.

known as attachment. We have to relax some of those expectations on each other. We need to stop thinkingtheycanbeourbestfriend. It’s unrealistic to expect everything from one person and I think we have to apply that same logic and philosophy to a partner. how long do we want this particular situation to last for? We need to reject this belief that the only example of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever. The fairytale doesn’t suit as many people as it once did. And what about the people who have found a lasting relationship? Many people have found lasting love and it works for them. and I spoke to people who this lifestyle worked for.our lover. and more trust and companionship.Ilookedat polyamory and open relationships. But that should not be the template for everyone. There’s absolutelynothingwrongwithwanting everlasting love. a friend who is a raucous laugh who you go out dancing with.PHOTOGRAPH: MARTIN PARR/MAGNUM PHOTOS Why do you think we cling to the ideal of everlasting love? We’re led to believe that this fairytale of romantic love can last forever. in society and for ourselves. and realistically. We’re still in love. Longer. and we need to accept. But for me. £7. deeper love enters a new stage. But the danger comes when we use this ‘one size fits all’ approach to relationships and we assume it’s what everyone wants. The fairytale unfairly makes us believe those two things are the same and that we can find them in one person. and although that romantic phase happens. research proves it doesn’t last. We also have to ask ourselves what we want in life – from a relationship. our career advisor. and another you go to yoga with. as someone who is open to finding love with realistic expectations. what is the key to a happy relationship? I think we need to relax the job description on our partners. In other human relationships.Iloveeverything aboutmylifeandthereisnowayIwould want a partner under my feet. For you. we get a very small amount from each person. ‘Screw The Fairytale: A Modern Girl’s Guide To Sex And Love’ by Helen Croydon (John Blake Publishing. that it isn’t the only route to happiness. being together and living apartwouldworkbest. our therapist.99) is out now J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 81 .howcanweenjoythisnow. You might have a friend you do cultural things with. Is there an antidote to the fairytale? WhenIwaswritingmybook. but there is less passion and excitement.

Since having children. We shared a passion for the kind of performances we wanted to create and soon. they’re lying. When you have that sense of adventure it’s very exciting. For more information. and a 95-year-old who’s been married for over 65 years of her life and asked them: what really makes love last? INTERVIEWS ANITA CHAUDHURI.uk >>> . but that’s healthy for our relationship. Our home has become more of a sacred place. but the whole business and financial life. this isn’t work time’. it was much more complicated because it wasn’t just the relationship and family at stake. And we do spend a lot of time apart because of touring. so he takes charge of that. I needed to change direction. and you don’t think long-term. I have definitely had moments of thinking that I’ve really put all my eggs in one basket being married to my business partner. There was much more scope for falling out in those early days because we spent 24 hours together. but we try to be equal in the way we manage our domestic life. Kevin loves cooking and is great at it. I had 82 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 always been better at the admin side of things. We’ve found ways to divide up our lives and business by playing to our strengths. co-founders of Motionhouse dance company. just the two of you. we became a couple and set up Motionhouse. what am I doing?’. have been married for 26 years and have two teenage children In 1985. But that has made us stronger.CA SE STUDIES TOGETHER FOREVER We spoke to two couples who have stuck together through thick and thin. Eventually. And whenever we had those moments.butwe try to be equal in our domestic life” HAIR AND MAKE-UP: HAYLEY MCGREAL Louise Richards and Kevin Finnan. Kevin stopped dancing and started directing shows. We have similar personalities and both wanted the limelight! Our duets involved lots of jumping and catching – so extreme levels of trust in and reliance on the other person were involved. whereas I’m not.co. we were both young dancers who joined the same company. After I had my second child. It forces you to examine what you want and why you are doing what you’re doing. If people say they never think. I’m probably the bossy one. you’re heading off. see motionhouse. we have had to draw much clearer lines about home and work. SUZY GREAVES PHOTOGRAPHY LAURA MCCLUSKEY I’mprobablythebossyone. For instance. so I moved into doing that. We have to remind each other: ‘hang on. ‘Oh my God.

J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 83 .

It means we know we can get through pretty much anything that life throws at us. too. He sent it to some of our friends with the caption: ‘We just got a guinea pig…’ I’m not sure how other people took this. Coming through this together has changed us a lot. eyebrows and eyelashes as well as losing a lot of weight. and that I wouldn’t have to go through it all alone. The message we each gave the other was: ‘whatever happens.99) is available now . I had a lumpectomy. he would say: ‘Your strength is your beauty’. You feel at your most unattractive and vulnerable. The diagnosis – a 1. and being able to share jokes that other people might have found bleak kept me going. He is the most sarcastic person usually. Iain knew all the right things to say. He kept saying: ‘You look amazing’ and when I scoffed.2cm tumour – was a huge shock. forewarning them of what to expect when they arrived home and making sure they didn’t disturb me. I think it took me going through all this to realise how strong Iain was. in addition to six sessions of chemotherapy and six weeks of radiotherapy. We had met on holiday when I was 18 and he was 24. There were times when I would get terribly down – I lost all my hair.THE DOSSIER Our shared sense of humourhashelpedus toweatherthestorms” Karen and Iain Hockney have been together for nearly 30 years and have two daughters We were on holiday in Florence when I noticed a small lump in my right breast. and been together ever since. At one point I bought a wig. we’ll get through this together’. and this involved interviewing Iain about everything we went 84 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 through together over the last few years. I was 44 and a non-smoking marathon runner. I felt very much like I had an ally beside me. too. however bad it gets. another operation to remove more lymph nodes was booked. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. so I could rest. Only then did I find out how supportive he’d been of our daughters throughout. I decided to write a memoir about my experiences. Throughout it all he was strong and attentive. ‘Breathing Out’ by Karen Hockney (CreateSpace. He sent them texts when they were at school on the days when I was having chemotherapy. he’d squeeze my hand on the sofa when we were watching TV at night. £7. helping them to get through it all. and Iain took a photo of it with a carrot next to it. but I laughed so much it hurt! Three years on and healthy once more. I’d looked after myself and was careful about what I ate. and then when it became clear that my cancer was already on the move. We do both share a dark sense of humour. so it was nice to unpeel the layers and see a side of him I hadn’t witnessed before.

95. During the war. and dropped a bomb on the cinema. It killed 108 people – mostly children. Eventually. I give thanks for my children and for my husband. has been married for over 65 years of her life – with two marriages lasting 45 years and 20 years.It’s good to rely on other people too… your husband can’t be your everything” Sylvia Brady. and her second husband when she was 71 I literally married the boy next door. everyone is too busy. that you forget what really makes you happy and healthy – the people that you love. he can’t be your everything. You are all so focused on making money so you can buy more. Incidents like that focus your mind on what we all take for granted. You do need to make time for each other. It was horrific. We had time to savour the good stuff. too. J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 85 . Love makes you happy. She met her first husband when she was 21. It’s good to have people other than your husband to lean on. but I met my second husband when I was 71 and have had some of the happiest years of my life with him. In 1943. Every day since that day. we got married and moved out. I thought I’d be alone for the rest of my life. It’s about being grateful for each other. Don’t give up on it. the daily challenges of butter shortages or problems such as how to bake a cake without eggs were put into perspective. rather than this generation that never slows down long enough to enjoy it all. I loved my first husband very much and was devastated when he died in his sixties. but still near to both our families. so we’d spend every night making secret signals because the kitchen windows looked on to each other. I was walking down the high street in East Grinstead when a Nazi bomber flew over the town. Nowadays. All these little bodies were found in the rubble. He lived in the terraced house next to ours. Jim and I would just go off walking for miles with our friends. There is more than one soulmate out there for you.

Identifying your ‘attachment style’ will unlock the keys to finding equilibrium HERE ARE 40 STATEMENTS. TICK THOSE YOU FEEL APPLY TO YOU: 1 I often wonder what my partner sees in me 2 I enjoy being alone 3 I don’t share everything with my partner 4 I couldn’t hang out with people my partner doesn’t rate 5 I have secret interests that I don’t talk to my 25 One person in a relationship always gives more. without keeping score. and loves more.THE DOSSIER TEST HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED EACH OTHER? Everyone has their own needs from a romantic partnership. and vice versa 20 I can’t be happy and at peace unless my partner is. THEN TURN THE PAGE TO READ THE RESULTS >>> . than the other partner about 28 I do everything to avoid conflicts and disagreements 29 My partner and I communicate by phone or text 6 I consider my partner to be my other half 7 We both have our own friends and hobbies 8 Each of us worries about the other 9 I would do anything to stop him/her leaving me 10 I carefully guard my own personal comfort/wellbeing 11 What gets him/her excited gets me excited 12 We cuddle all the time 13 I accept that there will be low points in our relationship 14 I don’t like talking about my relationship to others 15 I regularly make time for myself 16 Nothing makes me happier than making my 26 I avoid emotional outbursts like the plague 27 I know how to keep my feelings to myself in order not to worry my partner several times a day 30 We share interests and hang out at the same places 31 We review the way our relationship is working as the need arises 32 Living apart is the formula for a lasting relationship 33 I don’t have a single complaint or hurt to discuss with my partner 34 I can’t stand being apart from my partner 35 I find it very difficult to bring up problems or preoccupations with him/her 36 I believe that giving. but we rarely have major rows 86 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 on another person 38 My relationship comes before everything 39 I believe the ideal couple is a union of two independent individuals 40 I often envy single people USE THIS TABLE TO CALCULATE YOUR PROFILE BY SEEING WHICH LETTER YOU SCORED MOST ON YOUR ANSWERS. too 21 I don’t like being answerable to someone else 22 It’s through his/her eyes that I feel like the ‘real’ me 23 Nothing makes my partner and I happier than living in our own little bubble 24 We have disagreements. is the partner happy definition of true love 17 My personal space is well-established and sacred 18 Kindness and trust are at the heart of our relationship 19 I know my partner’s deepest needs and desires 37 My happiness and wellbeing do not depend without them having to ask. and each couple requires a certain amount of emotional freedom and independence.

THE DOSSIER
>>>

MOSTLY As

YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS
BASED ON INDEPENDENCE
Your unconscious need: Never to need anyone.
You have two underlying fears – on one hand, finding
yourself stifled by a partnership, and on the other, fear of
abandonment. At its most extreme, this style can create
what’s known as ‘avoidant’ behaviour – fear of getting
involved at all. It might cause a person to have casual flings,
or to compartmentalise sex and deeper emotional involvement.
The independent type relies solely on herself to meet her
needs and achieve goals, and she expects the same from
her partner. When two independent types form a couple,
each one respects the other’s private space while still being
able to support each other through life’s rough patches.
Towards balance: Try to be more open. Learn to identify
different emotional states and admit you’re experiencing
them. Practise before expressing yourself to your partner,
which will allow you to reach out emotionally and also allow
you to be affected by their responses. This will reignite and
empower your relationship without either of you feeling stifled.
MOSTLY Bs

YOUR RELATIONSHIP
IS BASED ON MERGING
Your unconscious need: Never to feel alone again.
Usually this attachment type will attract a similar mate
– neither ever feels complete on their own. They spend all
their free time together and never develop friendships or
hobbies that exclude the other. They are each the source of
the other’s wellbeing, sometimes too much so. Hallmarks
of a ‘merged couple’ are: when one person is apart from
the other, they suffer terribly and can end up wallowing in
anxious thoughts about the absent partner: ‘What if they’ve
met someone else/been run over/been kidnapped by
aliens?’They don’t keep anything from their partner, and if
they feel their partner has kept something from them, it can
ignite the fear of being left alone. They need to be seen by
the world to be in a relationship in order to feel worthwhile.
Towards balance: Gain more autonomy by increasing
your personal space. Develop friendships away from your
partner or couple friendships, and find interests you can
pursue alone. Agree to cut down on the number of calls
and texts you send during the day. Learn to hold back and
keep some things just for yourself to reflect upon privately
later. Keeping a journal where you can process your
emotions and raise questions about your life can be very
helpful in forging greater confidence and self-reliance.

88 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4

“Gain more
autonomy by
increasing your
personal space.
Grow friendships
away from your
partner or couple
friendships. Find
some interests you
can pursue alone.
Cut down on the
number of calls
and texts you send
during the day”

MOSTLY Cs

YOUR RELATIONSHIP
IS BASED ON SACRIFICE
Your unconscious need: To prove you’re worthy of
another person’s love. For you, the definition of true love
is to give without keeping score. There’s nothing you
wouldn’t give freely, and you don’t suffer from this either;
it offers you the comforting feeling that you have a purpose.
The giver may also act as a behind-the-scenes helper,
enabling the other person to go out into the world
and shine. But opting for this position is nearly always
rooted in a lack of self-esteem. All your energy is being
channelled in service to the other person and if you’re
not careful, they might take advantage of you.
Towards balance: Boost your self-esteem by making
room in your daily life for your own personal expression and

practise the art of saying no. Have the courage of your own
convictions. Start to make your own choices, and express
your preferences, even something as minor as ‘I’d rather
not have Chinese food tonight.’Above all, leave off playing
small. Banish from your mind negative self-talk, harsh
judgements and your inner critic. Make a list of your talents
and strengths, and reread this at least once a day.

MOSTLY Ds

YOUR RELATIONSHIP
IS BASED ON BALANCE
Your unconscious need: To continue to love and
develop as a couple. A flexible approach and dynamic
communication defines couples with a balanced interdependent relationship. You don’t struggle with anxieties

about the other person and find it easy to hold on to your
individuality. This is based on both of you taking a flexible
approach towards the roles you play. You know you will both
change and adapt as you grow. Good communication helps
to get disagreements out in the open. The strength of the
relationship lies in the ability to accept inevitable periods of
boredom or frustration. You understand there’s a holy trinity
– work, friendship and hobbies – which serves to boost and
inspire each person as they go through life, and that not
every need has to be fulfilled within the couple relationship.
A balanced partnership is also helped by you both having
a deep feeling of inner security and good self-esteem.
Towards balance: Cultivate your personal interests,
private space and shared projects, dreams and goals.
Maintain authentic communication without judgement or
getting defensive about issues on which you don’t agree.

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with Life Lab columnist and authenticity expert Sarah Abell. LOVE AND LEAD AUTHENTICALLY DATE: Tuesday. productive. For Magdalena’s next event. we hosted Magdalena Bak-Maier for a workshop on productivity. and look ahead to Wilderness LAST MONTH Magdalena Bak-Maier (far right) shares some advice with us at the Get Productive workshop.org/events JOIN US! TICKETS FOR THIS EVENT COST £15 AND CAN BE BOOKED AT NOWLIVEEVENTS. Learn why protection hampers connection. which you can find on YouTube. 25 Red Lion Square. visit nowliveevents. and how to be your most creative and productive self. the power of curiosity. For tickets. so many tools to work with and great value for money” LYNN LIVE. London WC1 4RL TIME: 7pm-8.JOINOUR TRIBE Inspiring events for the life-curious In collaboration with NOW Live Events.30pm Explore what it means to truly show up as yourself. 24 June VENUE: Conway Hall.ORG/EVENTS 90 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 . how to be loved for who you are. Insightful.gl/sRdy5j NEXT MONTH: SARAH ABELL This was the BEST event I’ve ever been to. who has spoken on how to make authentic connections at two recent TEDx events. See what we learned. go to goo.

designed to make us ditch our phones. NATURE AND SOLITUDE IN EVERYDAY LIF PHOTOGRAPH: TANIA DOLVERS DATE: 7-10 August VENUE: Cornbury Park. Oxfordshire We are back in the Wilderness with NOW Live Events with an even bigger programme of rejuvenation. You know how. and use it find breathing space amid the w family. O How to immerse yourself in wil nature in the heart of the city.o J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 91 . This year we are hosting Psychologies columnist Oliver Burkeman (right). the ‘holiday hangover’ comes: the gloomy realisation that it’s time to get back to the daily grind.COMING SOON! TAKE THE WILDERNESS HOME WITH YOU FINDING TIME FOR PLAY. you will learn: O How to carve out time for play ( banish the feeling that you ought be working instead). on how to find time for play. But what if that wasn’t inevitable? What if could bottle the spirit of an event the Wilderness Festival. after a few relaxing days in the countryside. O How to use the rhythms of time attention to find spac and quiet in a busy w For more information go to nowliveevents. and city living responsibili In this workshop. wake our senses and jolt us back into the present through artistic activities. nature and solitude in the chaos of everyday life.

along with magnesium & zinc which all contribute to the maintenance of normal bones. for Osteocare® Vitamin D is known as the sunshine vitamin and can help contribute to your overall wellbeing. Osteocare’s expert formula contains D3. but as a product inventor and former Chairman of Vitabiotics. Superdrug.com Stockists may vary. supermarkets. 52 w/e 13 Jul.Are you getting enough magnesium & vitamin D? “The Art of Good Bone Structure” Body painting by Sarah Bee. 13). GNC. † Professor Beckett is not cited in the capacity of a health professional. Vitamin D also contributes to the maintenance of normal teeth and absorption of calcium.osteocare. pharmacies. *(IRI value data. plus the full RDA of calcium. the preferred form of vitamin D. health stores and www. Holland & Barrett. Osteocare® – Britain’s favourite bone health formula Osteocare® is especially recommended for: 2 Pregnancy & breast-feeding 2 During & after the menopause 2 Older men & women Osteocare® supports The science of strong bones ADOSTCONP 30-04-14E Liquid Original Tablets Chewable Tablets Bones & Cartilage Dual Pack with Omega-3 From . .

is the brainchild of web entrepreneur Nancy Cruickshank and The Telegraph beauty editor Kate Shapland. courses and monthly discovery boxes. it seems. at the Park House Hotel & Spa. is a subscription-based group for fragrance-lovers.The Boost Beauty I Skincare I Make-up I Body I Wellbeing I Health PHOTOGRAPH: NORBET SHOERNER UNITED BEAUTY O The interactive spirit is alive and well in the beauty world. com. and sign up for events. race and beauty. featuring real-life models like Suzanne. and provides an important retail platform for small. in West Sussex.org. co-founded by beauty writer Jo Fairley. honest and entertaining conversation about ageing. O MyShowcase. Swot up on every fragrance ever produced via the website’s exhaustive database.com.com J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 93 . niche and start-up beauty businesses that rarely have money to advertise. myshowcase. alongside pampering and beauty goodies. O The Perfume Society. Selfridges is in the midst of its first Beauty Project – curating an open. O And Mother’s Collective provides much-needed support to women in the first year of their newborn’s life. motherscollective. 40 (left). selfridges. The Beauty Project at Selfridges runs until mid-June. perfumesociety.

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He talks of ‘natural stream lines’ and ‘pathways’ that don’t seem to fit any school with which I’m familiar. a technique he founded 14 years ago. I’m barely aware of what’s going on as the gentle rocking motions with which he begins the treatment gently lull me into a meditative state that feels a lot like lucid dreaming. While there is relief on a physical level. Leppard’s work has two distinct phases. I trust. No nook or cranny is left uncharted and I get the distinct impression that. more about nurturing them into giving way. He makes passing reference to guilt and fear locked in my hips. at times. the whole interaction is completely spontaneous. But then he reverts to continuous. where therapist and client are as connected as two passers-by on a train at rush hour. bursts of laughter. the kind that createtheillusionofseveralhandsworking on you at once.’ Leppard says. There are momentary pauses when he decides to apply sustained pressure and I assume he’s stumbled on a trigger point. as he repositions himself around the futon on which I’m lying naked. This is human bonding at its most primal. It’s a far cry from the kind of treatments we’re used to in the West. a concept that both yogis and long-distance runners will be familiar with. the bulletproof vest that is my chest. seemingly of their own volition. ‘My hands find their shapes. their patterns and paths. Described as ‘meditation through motion’. their timing. rather than imposing any kind of predetermined routine. ever more enraptured by the sensation of touch. He arches over my back. For the most part. It reminds me of Lomi Lomi. hypnotic strokes. wave-like strokes. He’s enthralled by the way in which his hands are working. the burden ofresponsibilityweighingonmyshoulders. pushes up from underneath me. devotional – prompts involuntary streams of silent tears and. He’s less concerned with exactly how these layers of psycho-emotional ‘armouring’ came about as he is with dismantling them by way of Tulayoga. First is a deep massage that is an exercise in surrender. the way Leppard handles my body has less to do with wrestling my tight muscles into submission. interacting with muscles in weird and fascinating ways. in addition to being highly intimate. as I fall deeper into surrender. Touch and trust ‘During a treatment. I hear him hum along to a distinctly ‘Acoustic Ibiza’ type of soundtrack that wafts from the stereo and sneak a glance. his every movement.THE BOOST } wellbeing IT’S YOGA BUT NOT AS YOU KNOW IT Seasoned fitness and wellbeing writer Ahmed Zambarakji experiences the life-changing effects of Tulayoga T he pre-treatment consultation with Louka Leppard is little more than a courtesy. I’m aware of his breathing. it feels. Any attempt to suss out his technique is futile. at the very core of my being. a prospect that will be as unnerving for some as it will be moving for others. the Hawaiian shamanic massage known for its fluid. His touch – meditative. gentle. He has a strong kinesthetic >>> J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 95 . By the time we have paused for a much-needed breather – after no less than two hours of intensive massage – this relative stranger knows me not just at a physical level but.’ He’s walking the ‘landscape’ of my body.

He tells me to rest my six foot two frame on the soles of his feet. Theexperienceis. Teachers encourage students to reveal their goodness rather than attempt to ‘correct’ aspects of their practice.com AERIAL YOGA ‘Antigravity’ yoga sees 96 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 people suspended in silk hammocks. maybe most importantly. ‘This brings about a deeper connection with the sensations and feelings at the core of your body. acroyoga. as if I’m in a flotation tank. jivamuktiyoga. Or feet. This helps detoxification. Developed by New Yorkers Sharon Gannon and David Life. but I think that the Westernisation of yoga is no bad thing. the receptivity in having someone hold you is about exploring the feminine.‘Floatingthroughspacewithyoureyesclosed.org FIERCE GRACE A new brand of hot yoga from Michelle Pernetta. fiercegrace. renewal and repair. heart rate and blood pressure are lowered. After I get into my yoga gear. emotionally speaking. My thighs and psoas lengthen as blood flushes through my body. Traditional schools weren’t intended for modern lifestyles.’ And this is at the core of the bond that’s been created over the past two-and-a-half hours. caring communication with an individual. connection and. as he guides me into a series of flying asanas – mostly inversions – in which my body opens up further. the more effortless it becomes for the person supporting you.com for more details PHOTOGRAPHS: SERGE ANTON THE BOOST } wellbeing .well.Theendocrine and nervous systems get a boost.com without external references. his legs perfectly vertical.’ he says. A session with Louka Leppard lasts 2½ hours and costs £300. meditation and massage follows. you couldn’t find for a more trustworthy pair of hands. The more you release. ‘Massage is a meditation. And the foundation of yoga is ‘union’. And. worse yet. Not just because this guy is balancing your entire body weight on his feet. balance. antigravity fitness. an increasing amount of styles and variations of yoga have evolved. an art. anusarayoga. on Leppard’s face). however. opens and aligns. stretching out muscles and providing deeper release. It should be pretty obvious at this point that a willingness to surrender is a prerequisite for Tulayoga. concerns and bodies. classes include brief discussions on philosophy. And.’ he says.>>> sense and a keen emotional awareness that effortlessly guide him through a treatment. Her 5-class interconnected system lets you mix and match classes instead of following rigid sequences. [One must] move out beyond the repetitive tracks of a method into a unique. This has as much to do with his strength as it does with the trust he unlocks in people. A bizarre but relaxing mix of acrobatics. If the confidence involved in moving from one pose to another is about mastering a masculine energy.trippy. ‘Effectivemassagecan’tbearepetitiveprocess of preconceived movements. the more your body releases.com ANUSARA An Anusara class is underpinned by Tantric philosophy. as in the Uttanpadasana pose. letting them to fly through a sequence. flooding every inch with a fresh supply of energy. ACRO YOGA Cultivates a sense of trust.’ It alsoseemstoprovokeanuncontrollable fit of the giggles at one point.Isenseeachvertebranaturally fall back into its right position and breathe a sigh of relief. Most striking is the reverence with which he uses touch. I feel weightless. Leppard is on the futon. Not once does it feel unsafe.com JIVAMUKTI This has a distinctly spiritual agenda. frees you of notions of time. an ability to embrace all religions. Crucially. Treatments are a mixture of Tulamassage and Tulayoga. people and countries. Blood circulation is given a kind of boost manual therapy alone can’t achieve. gymnaststyle. ‘The more you trust. but mostly because he’s holding you at the point when you’re at your most vulnerable. It’s not long before I’m moving in and out of poses. the ability to let go. like I might fall on my face (or. The hammocks allow for easier inversions that decompress the spine and increase blood flow. THE NEW YOGA R EVOLUTION To the annoyance of purists. meditation and chanting. each pose has an impact on thebodyfromtheinsideout. The full length of my spineisdecompressedasI’msuspended upsidedown. in Leppard. gravity is also at work. yoga.’ Hands are only part of it. as in hatha yoga. See tulayoga. space and responsibility. Far more is going on than just pretty shapes.

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£23. but also daunting. and this has really helped stabilise my energy and mood. bringing the power of the flower to the most deprived and vulnerable parts of London. while Elemis Total Glow Bronzing Body Lotion. Cooking more unrefined and seasonal food means I’ve cut down on the incidental sugar hidden in so many snacks. affecting us both on a psychological and physiological level. is a summer staple – blending a nourishing.50. while the introduction of digestive enzymes.95 for 90 capsules from Pukka Herbs). To book: yogarehab@hotmail. SOUND THE RETREAT I’m booking myself onto this week-long wellbeing retreat at Son Bou on the island of Minorca. have made an enormous difference to my digestive health. but as spring wanes. rose powder and rose quartz. Aesthetic tweaks are employed – a good pedi. and Body Lotion.. awaken Even hayfever is not enough to dampen my enjoyment of this sunny season. To celebrate. Kim Parsons.. too. using Better You Magnesium Flakes (£9.50. accommodation and workshops included. Edinburgh. £16. but few are so transparent in their dealings as Jo Malone – for every Jo Malone Silk Blossom Charity Candle. Liverpool and Bristol. FOR STOCKISTS. I feel slightly panicked. sandalwood. Aveda has launched Shampure Hand & Body Wash. a natural-look gradual tan – but physical betterment is far more important. sold. Beauty and wellbeing director GARDEN STATE There are many charity beauty initiatives. Aveda’s head perfumer. (£14. body brushing. it will donate the full price to four community garden initiatives. It’s time to. £42. nutrition workshops and daily morning yoga.95 for 1kg from Victoria Health). run by London’s Retreat Café owner.com THIS MONTH: I HAVE BEEN USING MAGNETIC THERAPYTO EASE MUSCLE ACHE WITH THE TRION:Z ION THERAPYWRIST BAND. all meals. probiotics and nightly Ayurvedic herb complex Triphala. From 26 August until 2 September. £9 for 18 teabags SCENTSATIONAL ‘Aromas trigger an electrical response connected to memories and emotions. I’m also enjoying a weekly remineralising bath. yoga. with buttermilk. Expect Yin sessions. elevates bathing to an aromatherapeutic art form. toning moisturiser with a natural-looking gradual tanner.99 J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 99 . freeing legs and unsheathing feet feels immensely liberating. £34. £895. SEE PAGE 140 SUMMER NIGHTS Therapie Joie Uplifting Bath Infusion. FROM £12. Fittingly. to boost circulation and help rid my body of mineral toxins. the iconic Aveda scent – the 25 pure flower and plant essences used in Shampure for a dreamy ‘spa in a bottle’ experience – is also 25 years old this year. Peeling off clothing. and power yoga teacher Selda Enver Goodwin. £48.THE BOOST } wellbeing notes These crushed cocoa shells make for a delicious malty tea that picks up your mood without a caffeine high Hotel Chocolat Cocoa Infusion.’ says Guy Vincent.

and impartial. reader in psychology at the London College of Fashion. so you only buy the right ones for you PHOTOGRAPH MAURICIO ALEJO B eauty counters can bamboozle.when. As always. it can be hard to know what will truly help your skin. because you’d be hard pressed not to fall for such beauty ideals. believes ‘audiences are targeted and readily convinced of the need for acquiring eternal youth – shiny hair. taut skin.THE BOOST } beauty DO I REALLY NEED IT? Keeping up with beauty developments can be confusing. and what is simply a marketing ploy. our sense of wellbeing. tiresome and (bank balance) draining. especially when subjected to around 1. >>> 100 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 . also. Amerley Ollennu puts the latest trends through their paces. diet programmes and even surgical procedures’. and that pressurised impulsepurchase(fuelledbythesuddenlackofconfidence that takes so many women over when they come face-toface with perfectly groomed sales assistants) is often regretted later on – how did I spend that? How do I even use this? What does it actually do? With new products hitting the shelves daily. Dr Carolyn Mair.the‘problem’youneverknew you had is offered a beauty solution. While we know that there are new launches that significantly improve not just our appearances but. we’re here to help you navigate the ultimate must-haves with some serious. Because of the elusive nature of this promise. women become lifelong consumers of beauty products.500 ads a day (more of that clever marketing). and airbrushed-looking bodies.suddenly. expert advice. there are also those that can’t help but plant theseedofinsecuritytoo. So don’t feel foolish.

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They’ve changedfromsilicone-basedformulationsusinganoptical illusion to blur and temporarily fill lines and wrinkles. However. fat and bone) diminishes. it should be applied as a thin. while colour correctors are taking the beauty world by storm. How they work ‘Working in synergy with your skincare. £23 PREP & PRIME Primers have upped the ante in recent years. As we age. SEE PAGE 140 >>> . we wonder if we can’t just use our regular anti-ageing face cream? ‘It depends on the ingredients. £29 Max Factor Colour Correcting CC Sticks. £36. compromising the definition of the jaw. with the base on the cheek and the apex on the chin. But. skin’s ‘scaffolding’ (muscle. £89 Eve Lom Flawless Radiance Primer. Here’s her take on these targeted treatments. Jowls distort this triangle. Gadgets that give the facial muscles a workout through electrical stimulation can help too. even veil by hand or a make-up sponge and always before foundation. With contouring skincare all the rage.’ The solution ‘For firming and tightening go for Retinol. They won’t break the bank. there’s been a rise in facial surgery due to a popular.’ says cosmetic doctor Terry Loong. and growth factors and antioxidants such as vitamin C.’ Follow Kenneth on Twitter @KennethSoh FOR STOCKISTS. purple ones are great for skin with a sallow yellow undertone. smile – there’s nothing more youthful and attractive. Shouldn’t a good foundation be able to do the same job? Make-up artist Kenneth Soh disagrees. The trickle-down effect. and pearly white varieties brighten and illuminate all complexions. Green correctors help counteract redness.’ How to use them ‘Whatever primer you deem best for Transformulas Face Contour & Tightening Creme. Cover FX Anti-Aging Primer. is the slew of new jowl and jaw-targeting serums and creams. £230 Chanel Le Lift De Chanel Firming Anti-Wrinkle Crème Fine. Interestingly. which work to minimise environmental damage. these work using the theory that colours that are opposite each other on the spectrum have the ability to neutralise each other. £30 HEART TO HEART In trendsetting Asia.95 Lancôme Renergie French Lift. even if you’re not. above all. topical serums and creams can only target the skin so are best used as a preventative method. primers are becoming fusions between skincare and make-up – mattifying is commonplace but the new concept of hydrating primers is set to grow in popularity.com Sensai Re-Contouring Lift Essence. £8. creating a base at the bottom of the face that can make you look sad or tired. However. we can all benefit from a colour-correcting primer. notion that heart-shaped faces are inherently youthful. £95 102 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 you. and vitamin E.’ For more information. £125 Crème de la Mer The Lifting Contour Serum. as can ditching yo-yo dieting – losing too much natural padding can age you. yet skewed. see drterry. £40 BareMinerals Prime Time BB Primer-Cream Daily Defense SPF30. the latest primers are a godsend for problematic skin. apricot neutralises bluish tones commonly found under the eyes. featuring more sane anti-ageing options. to very diverse solutions for a number of skincare issues.99 The process ‘Ayouthfulfaceisdefinedasanupside-down triangle.YSL CC Creme Forever Light Creator. but are well worth investing in.

many laser treatments and chemical peels can also achieve results. hormonal changes and genetics. add three to four pumps to the scalp and gently brush through the hair from root to ends at least 100 times. Darker skin tones are more susceptible to hyperpigmentation. too – essential for a healthy scalp and hair growth. as these inject moisture into both scalp and hair and can be used as a hydrating treatment for all scalp types. colour director at London salon Percy & Reed. Once a week. and they can remove melanin-containing cells by exfoliation. Andrew John. £31. bites.50 Yes To Grapefruit Dark Spot Correcting Body Crème. go to phiclinic. if you don’t use naturally formulated products. mixed with Medik8 White Balance Click. then an occasional pre-cleanse is a must. How pigmentation occurs ‘Pigmentation manifests in many ways. especially for darker skin tones where pigmentation on knees.com J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 103 .’ What to go for ‘Tune in to what your scalp needs. Oily scalps benefit from a deep cleansing treatment.99 CAPTURE THE TONE Productsthattacklepigmentationaren’tnew–we’veseen a boom in the last five years.inflammation.50 Kérastase Immersion Nutritive Pre-Shampoo. allergy and trauma (shaving. synthetic haircare can leave a lot of residue. brands begin to launch pre-cleansers for hair too. see percyandreed. For the perfect all-rounder.50 Purely Pefect Cleansing Creme. More pigment-producing melanin is the body’s response to perceived damage – UV radiation.com Aveda Invati Exfoliating Shampoo. £20 about effective scalp cleansing and. pick a pre-cleansing oil. noticeably leaving skin darker than it once was. Necessity. It’s a great way to stimulate blood flow. Use a 10p-sized amount of product on a dry scalp for a more concentrated hit. £20. Pigmentation-reducing products can stop melanin from being produced.50 Josh Wood Radiant Shine Hair Treatment Oil. weighs in. £22. they can interfere with the transport of melanin between cells. cuts etc). £35 Phyto PHYTOPolléine. £29.’ How to treat pigmentation ‘It’s best to see a doctor before embarking on any treatment. while dry scalps need exfoliation and intense moisture. In addition. luxury or waste of time? ‘Pre-cleansers are Dove True Tone. from freckles or age spots to patchy skin from sun damage. and be sure to massage for a few minutes. £12. £25.’ For more information. Are we becoming too image-conscious? This is an ideal of ‘perfection’ that’s impossible to achieve.75 Medik8 Hydr8 Body.’ For more. Cheap. Now our bodies are in the spotlight. as you’ll be hard pressed to find a solution other than body make-up for pigmentation brought on by illness or hormonal imbalance. as can pollutants from city living – and this residue can be tricky to remove.THE BOOST } beauty Vichy Dermablend Total Body Corrective Foundation.PhiClinicmedical director Dr Tapan Patel tells us more. £9. then shampoo and condition – you’ll be amazed at the difference. acne. £45 KEEP IT CLEAN Just as we are getting to grips with the concept of doublecleansing our faces. whatever your hair type.elbowsandunderarmsisnatural.

THE BOOST } beauty profile A BEAUTIFUL MIND Passionate fundraiser. she owns the short dresses and high dances like crazy and her husband is one of the some men I’ve ever met. org or follow Natalia on Twitter @NataSupernova PHOTOGRAPH: BRUNO AVEILLAN/GUERLAIN MAKE-UP: GUERLAIN TERRACOTTA JOLI TEINT I feel like a survivor.Becauseofmy childhoodIsupposeIfeellikeasurvivor. to work hard” . 13.itfeltabitempty. model and mum of four Natalia Vodianova talks to Eminé Ali Rushton about family. Eminé:Howdoyoureconcileyourselftoyoursuccess. but feeling beautiful is very powerful.IfIstarttofeelill. so is on the sidelines. with a disabled sister and a mother who worked four part-time jobs to fit the hours around us so she could care for my sister. fundraising for her charity.given the toughness of your childhood? Natalia: WhenIachievedit.’ she says. ‘I grew up very poor. to be in touch w our strength as women. to work really hard.’ she explains. red lips.’ She’s certainly that – as one of the world’s most sought-after models – the face of a dozen brands. see nakedheart. That’s beautiful. to escape the hardship of poverty. Eminé: We can make beauty seem frivolous. One of my friends is a big lady. it’s amazing. 7). It couldn’t be closer to her own heart. including Guerlain. The Naked Heart Foundation. and it’s made a huge difference. to be a child. If I meet a woman who it on. and 8. That’s been possible with charity work. It offers children ‘something simple.ItakegarlicandManukahoney. She runs it every year. and a daughter. which builds playgrounds in Russia’s poorest regions. success and survival T he Paris Marathon is taking place – and in the crowd is Natalia Vodianova whooping as her team cross the finish line. but powerful. ‘I always dreamed of being successful enoughtojuststopworryingabouttomorrow. but this time she’s six months pregnant with her fourth child (she has two sons. Eminé: How do you maintain your positive ener Natalia: I lead a healthy lifestyle and put a lot of i onwhatIeat. Natalia: No matter what we do.I’vefollowedtheBloodTypeDietfor I always had problems with a weak digestive s someone recommended this diet to me. So I knew I had to find balance. that I was given certain tools – to fight. A place to forget worry. Eminé: Has motherhood changed you? Natalia: It made me ask im ortant uestions 104 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 Natalia Vodianova is the founder of the Naked Heart Foundation charity and a face of Guerlain. For more information.thatIwasgivencertain tools – to fight for my life.

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while evening out the complexion and immediately disguising imperfections. Beautiful. Skin feels firmer and the appearance of wrinkles is reduced. Effective. Pure nature . the lavera concept for beautiful skin! Buy on line at lavera. .lavera Colour Correction 8in1 Anti-Ageing Tinted Moisturiser. Regular use visibly lightens pigment spots. combines anti-ageing care with a touch of foundation for a beautifully flawless finish.uk or good Pharmacies. The cream moisturises the skin. Health Food Shops and selected Holland & Barrett stores.Natural.co. SPF 6 protects against ageing of the skin caused by sun exposure. Pure nature.

£19. £42 complexion and dripfeeds minerals.city living and travelwillleaveyourskincryingout forclay’sall-roundbenefits.Mudishavinga m tandI cansee why. and a congested or sallow complexion will benefit from clay’s detoxing. White and green clays work best – steam your skin to help open pores as this will allow your mask or cleanser to really clean them out.50 tip Never let a clay mask dry out on the skin. providing important minerals. TO DEEP CLEANSE CLAY mental. Thewarmsummermonthsare theperfecttimetoaddclaytoyour arsenal. look out for sea-derived clays. £26. natural. £7. TO INTERNALLY CLEANSE Adding clay powder to water as an inside-out treatment is an age-old remedy that’s been attributed to detoxing internal organs. eczema and even morning sickness. theAmazonianclayused i ake-uprange‘isnature’smost i eingredient’.Withitsimpressiveability to restoreradianceby controllingoil production.Worldsaway fromthehigh-tech offeringsthat beauty brandsseduce uswithon a daily basis. brightening and circulation-boosting power. powerful – Amerley Ollennu explores the wonders of clay-based beauty products ccordingto Maureen Kelly. Andclaydoesn’tdiscriminate– allskintypesare ableto worshipat thealtarof thismineral-richmiracle matter.THE BOOST } beauty Kiehl’s Rare Earth Deep Pore Daily Cleanser.Muggy heat. Try Neal’s Yard Green Clay.there’snot muchthatclaycan’tdo. J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 107 . founderof TarteCosmetics.andhelp restorebalanceandharmony. £50 Let us Trilogy Mineral Radiance Mask. To add hydration to the mix. SEE PAGE 140. The stimulation of blood flow and mineralabsorptionwon’tmeanathingiftheskin’ssurfacemoisturedepletes. Their osmotic strength pulls moisture from deep skin tissue to hydrate surface layers.rehydratedry skin and repairitsmoisturebarrier.50 Murad Blackhead Remover. £18 Tarte Amazonian Clay 12-Hour Blush. Glamglow Thirstymud.50 PHOTOGRAPH: HUGH ARNOLD/GALLERY STOCK FOR STOCKISTS. Blocked pores. and relieving arthritis.stresslevelsatan al timehigh.thebeautymarketis offeringskincaresolutionsthat can adaptto ourcomplexions.’says Trilogy’s CorinneMorley.andthepressurenever toswitchoff.Withsix o 0 ofussaying we’renotgetting e sleep.thelatestclaytreatments ontheshelvesrepresenta‘recent explosion inthepopularity of traditionalbeauty ingredientsthat havebeenaroundforcenturies.

*Based on a trial of 122 people drinking skinade for 20 and 30 days .

£35 RIGHT CHEEK ‘NEOM Luxury Home Spa kits provide the perfect excuse to find an hour’s me-time’ Chanel Les Beiges Healthy Glow.COM) J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 109 . A light sweep over healthy bare skin is summer-perfect – I like the velvet-matte finish and warm peachy tan notes of Givenchy Prisme Libre in Organza Caramel. too. which replaces my usual bronzer and the comforting feel of Chanel Les Beiges Healthy Glow Sheer Powder. vitamin E and white rose. MATTE CREAM NARS Matte No 7 Pop & Glow. experiment £9. SEE PAGE 140 P I M br cr fr c bi t s di M C a – cs TENDER IS THE NIGHT Five years of medical-insspired skincare research has gone into this Avon night cream. from £42 POWDER BOOM Powder has dusted off its old-fashioned feel – new formulas are indiscernible. £20 FOR STOCKISTS. £35. which helps skin produce a protein that encourages healthy cell migration and – ultimately – skin repair.95 Avon ANEW Clinical E-Defence Deep Recovery Cream. I VE BEEN… TAKING YOG RNLIFE. £39. soft-focus and skin-soothing. £39 Luxury Home Spa Collection. H. with shea butter.THE BOOST } beauty notes Givenchy Prisme Libre.

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WORDS: LAUREN HADDEN Toast two slices of sourdough (or gluten-free) bread under the grill on one side only. Serve with plenty of freshly ground black pepper and a drizzle of olive oil. Which is why we’ve fallen in love with Sarah Wilson’s I Quit Sugar For Life (Macmillan. packed with cleverly portable concoctions that will make your morning go better. deliciousness and ease – and if we can throw it together quickly. J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 111 . Spread the untoasted side with half an avocado. top with about 40g sliced strawberries and 2tbsp soft goat’s cheese. Toast under the grill until the cheese browns. we might even get around to making it more than once. Whether you’ve already started to reduce the amount of white (and golden) stuff or are still firmly weighing in on the side of cake – we’re divided about 50/50 here – everyone can get on board with a sweet toasted treat that’s also full of healthy fats and vitamins… STRAWBERRY AND AVOCADO TOASTIE PHOTOGRAPH: MARIJA IVKOVIC. here at Psychologies we’re always looking for that magical combination of nutrition.99).The Retreat Home I Living I Recipes I Nutrition I Travel I Escape W hen it comes to food. £14. The time of day we’re busiest? Breakfast.

THE RETREAT } feasting Chicken and lemongrass broth 112 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 .

Pan-fried skate wings with chilli-lime butter TAKING LIBERTIES Released from the shackles of tradition. bringing a sense of fun and playfulness to classic dishes >>> RECIPES DANIEL GALMICHE PHOTOGR APHY YUKI SUGIUR A . French food is undergoing a revolutionary change of attitude.

’ said Picasso – advice French chef Daniel Galmiche seems to live by. Pour into the prepared tray and freeze for at least 3 hours. Revolutionary French Cooking by Daniel Galmiche (Duncan Baird. he has made his name by bringing a playfulness to classic French cooking. In his new book. Bake for 4-5 minutes. it does not mean that it should be abandoned entirely. plus extra for sprinkling O 2 drops of lime juice STEP ONE Line a medium-deep freezer-proof tray with baking paper. Call 020 7454 8513. * OFFER AVAILABLE TO UK READERS ONLY STEP THREE Preheat the oven to 200°C/400°F/gas 6 and line a baking sheet with baking paper. flexibility and liberty of expression. put into a food processor and blend briefly to a smooth. cover with cling film and put in the fridge. 114 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 STEP FOUR Spoon the raspberries into bowls and put a scoop of ice cream in each. Remove and leave to cool. £20). so you can break them like an artist. until light golden and caramelised. Revolutionary French Cooking (Duncan Baird. £20) is available to Psychologies readers at just £15 (inc p&p)*.THE RETREAT } feasting >>> ‘LEARN THE RULES like a pro. cover and return to the freezer for 25-30 minutes. Drizzle the liquid from the raspberries and the remaining balsamic over the top and finish with a scattering of fennel seeds and extra lime zest. An aged balsamic vinegar that is slightly syrupy is best for this dessert SERVES 4 Preparation time: 20 minutes. ‘Why should cooks feel under pressure to do everything “right” when cooking is meant to be fun?’ he asks. he challenges the rules he was brought up with. Spoon into a small freezer-proof container. He does ground these experiments in years of experience. Put all the ice cream ingredients in a bowl and whisk together until smooth. vibrant dishes that we can all make in our kitchens.’ he explains. smooth the top. quoting ‘Psychologies’. The results look like the dishes you see here: a traditional chicken broth given a lift with fragrant Asian flavours like lemongrass and lime. plus 3½ hours freezing Cooking time: 5 minutes O 1 tbsp fennel seeds O 1 tbsp icing sugar FOR THE ICE CREAM O 300ml goat’s milk O 100ml goat’s cream O 200g natural goat’s milk yogurt O 120g icing sugar O finely grated zest of ½ lime FOR THE RASPBERRIES O 200g raspberries O 3 tbsp good-quality balsamic vinegar O finely grated zest of ½ lime. Serve with langues de chat biscuits (bought or homemade). so you’ll be adventuring with a safe hand by your side: ‘just because something needs to change. Gently stir until combined. the lime zest and juice. >>> . creating exciting. Remove and break into small chunks. Get ready to experiment… BALSAMIC AND LIME RASPBERRIES WITH GOAT’S MILK ICE CREAM The goat’s milk ice cream is easy to make and the lift from the lime zest is perfect. Put the fennel seeds on the sheet and lightly dust with icing sugar. STEP TWO Put the raspberries in a bowl with 2 tablespoons of the balsamic vinegar. or ice cream made with goat’s milk. Galmiche’s food is all about experience met with spontaneity. Although he trained under Michel Roux and went on to become a Michelin-starred chef. breaking up any seeds that are stuck together. firm purée – don’t let it defrost too much.

Balsamic and lime raspberries with goat’s milk ice cream J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 115 .

skimming off any foam. until just golden brown. cover with 2 litres of cold water and bring to the boil. and you have a cracking meal SERVES 4 SERVES 4 Preparation time: 30 minutes. Add the carrots. You can then cut pieces off to use on grilled. To make it more substantial. Wrap half the remaining butter in cling film. set aside. peeled and roughly chopped O 1 tbsp chopped flat-leaf parsley leaves O 15g unsalted butter O 1 lemongrass stalk. add a handful of cooked rice or lentils Skate has the depth of flavour to take this chilli and lime butter. Wrap each log in a piece of foil and keep in the freezer. deseeded and finely chopped O 3 lemongrass stalks: 2 bruised. STEP THREE Remove the chicken from the pan. Mix together with a wooden spoon. heat a large casserole dish over a medium heat. and heat until just melted. Add the skate wings and fry for 5 minutes. 1 peeled O finely grated zest of 1 lime and juice of ½ lime O 2 thyme sprigs O leaves from 2 flat-leaf parsley sprigs. crushed O finely grated zest of 1 lime O 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil STEP ONE To make the broth base. Cook for 5 minutes until the chicken is browned all over and the veg just coloured. top and root from the remaining lemongrass stalk. Add a splash of fresh lime and a little garlic. reserving the solids. then pat dry with a clean tea towel. Simmer for 10-15 minutes until reduced by one-third. STEP THREE Remove the skate wings from the pan and put on serving plates. leaves picked and stalks reserved FOR THE CHICKEN AND LEMONGRASS BROTH O 2 large carrots. to serve O 3 thyme sprigs FOR THE CHILLI-LIME BUTTER O 250g unsalted butter. thyme and half the coriander stalks. chopped O 1 garlic clove. turning once. Sprinkle the lime zest over and drizzle with the extra virgin olive oil. Cover and simmer for 1¼-1½ hours. slice thinly and add to the bowls. add the reserved chilli-lime butter to the pan and spoon it over the fish. Remove outer leaves. As you turn them. STEP TWO Transfer the chicken and veg to a large pan. Add the unflavoured butter and the oil. Pour broth into each bowl and serve. then put 4 heaped teaspoons to one side. Heat a nonstick frying pan. Add carrots. and spoon the flavoured butter over the top of the fish. peeled and quartered lengthways O 1 red chilli. put all the ingredients in a non-metallic bowl and season with salt and pepper. Add oil and chicken. Stir the parsley into the pan. about 150g each. season. Repeat with the remaining butter. 116 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 STEP ONE To make the chilli-lime butter. Cooking time: 5 minutes FOR THE BROTH BASE O 1 tbsp olive oil O 4 skate wings. roll it into a log shape and twist the ends. large enough to hold the skate. lemongrass. Strain the broth into a clean pan. lemongrass. about 1kg total weight O 1 tbsp olive oil O 2 carrots.THE RETREAT } feasting CHICKEN AND LEMONGRASS BROTH >>> PAN-FRIED SKATE WINGS WITH CHILLI-LIME BUTTER Here. thyme and remaining coriander stalks. bruised O boiled new potatoes. cleaned and prepared O 1 small chicken. add to the bowls. (The rest of the chillilime butter can be frozen for future use. barbecued or pan-fried meats and fish. Pull off the chicken meat. Serve with boiled new potatoes. Cooking time: 2 hours Preparation time: 10 minutes. . softened O 1 small bunch of coriander. and return the broth to a low heat. Finely chop the carrots and put in soup bowls. fragrant lemongrass and lime zest add a new twist to chicken broth. then scatter over coriander leaves. over a medium heat. then seal for 3-4 minutes on each side.) STEP TWO Briefly rinse the skate wings in ice-cold water.

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sugar and refined and processed foods – is linked to inflammation. cracked black pepper on toasted Poilâne rye bread. chef and founder of healthy eating delivery company Fridge Fill. right). the precursor to many ailments. Poached salmon with chopped mixed leaves and mango and lemon juice dressing (not pictured). but there is room for delicious homemade treats. from eczema to heart disease. left). Digested food is either acidic or alkaline.HEALTHY FAST FOOD How do you make good food choices when you’re navigating a busy week? We challenge the authors of the bestselling alkalising. they are a great source of protein and amino acids . However. GREEN JUICE DINNER I make a smoothie (far right) with spinach. grated Eggs contain all the nutrients we need for mind and body. With jasmine tea – another favourite. dairy. LUNCH Rocket. You’ll see there’s no acid-forming food. lemon and chia seeds – great for a weekend cleanse. healthy eating book Honestly Healthy to show us how easy it is to nourish ourselves SUNDAY with Vicki BREAKFAST At 119 Café in London. vitamins and minerals – counteracts inflammation and promotes better long-term health. Poached eggs (right) with rocket. that all changed when Natasha Corrett (above. celery. launched their ode to natural. and nutritionist Vicki Edgson (above. basil.Adietrichinacidicfood–meat. see how Natasha and Vicki eat during a busy week. 118 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 beetroot. An alkaline diet – rich in antioxidants. satisfying eating. in 2012. avocado. mung bean sprouts with cherry tomatoes and raspberries with walnut oil and orange juice dressing (below. drizzled with pumpkin seed oil and lemon juice – one of my weekend breakfast favourites. M ention the word ‘alkalising’ five years ago and you’d have been met with blank expressions. chard. Honestly Healthy. Here. cucumber. which was the perfect end to a virtually raw food day. cavolo nero. I ate some walnuts afterwards to add a bit more protein to the meal. left).

grated beetroot. sunflower seeds. toasted spelt bread croutons. coconut shavings and cinnamon. DINNER My own version of a Caesar salad: gem lettuce. cavolo nero. I also cooked it at a lower temperature to preserve the omega nutrition. which is essential for absorbing calcium into our bones Adding grated raw. and this satisfies my hunger. Raw cacao has one of the highest sources of vitamin K. cucumber. I have my book launch tomorrow. bean sprouts. LUNCH Shredded red cabbage. LUNCH Gluten-free wrap with spinach and avocado The topping for the orange and almond cake (right) is made with tofu cream cheese and raw cacao powder. homemade granola and soup in advance. topped with a handful of blueberries. walnuts and goji berries. this is also full of iron for energy. lettuce leaves. I cooked this the night before and turned the heat off. leaving it in the oven to cool. mustard and watercress. SNACK Mixed grated salad with courgettes. TUESDAY with Natasha BREAKFAST DINNER Homemade granola with Co Yo coconut yogurt (above. left) with tomatoes. right). You do need to have more when you are eating lots of raw food. Made it at home in about 12 minutes flat! SNACK Orange and almond cake (below. right) with a cup of reishi mushroom tea Butternut squash soup. mussels. seasonal vegetables to sandwiches is a great way to increase your alkaline food intake . garlic and sweet potato – all stir-fried and poached in lemon juice and white wine. with oats. >>> MONDAY with Natasha BREAKFAST Bircher muesli that I prepared on the weekend. I amended the recipe in our book Honestly Healthy For Life by adding ground chia seeds for more protein. carrots. So much tastier than the usual Caesar. Chinese cabbage.THE RETREAT } food diary TUESDAY with Vicki BREAKFAST Lightly smoked salmon with loads of lemon juice. I’m busy tomorrow. shredded chicken (which I’d poached the night before) and wasabi and lemon juice dressing with pumpkin seed oil. sunflower and pumpkin seeds. LUNCH Raw superfood salad (pictured. so I wanted to keep it light at night so I felt like I had a calmer tummy for Wednesday. DINNER I always do meat-free dinners on Mondays and had cauliflower risotto. so I also made some wraps. This is my high protein choice when I am on the run in the morning.

below). It’s made with garlic and star anise which have potent anti-viral properties. I needed some protein. topped with chard. London (108marylebonelane. I had scrambled eggs with mixed leaves and tomatoes.com). I had some of the delicious things The Juicery (thejuiceryworld. DINNER Homemade gluten-free pizza (right. Vicki and Natasha pictured at their recent launch party for their latest book ‘Honestly Healthy For Life’ (Jacqui Small. I tend to have lighter dinners to help myself sleep better.THE RETREAT } food diary THURSDAY with Natasha I always look at my diary with food in mind to make sure that I am nourishing myself and supplying the energy and brain power I’ll need on specific days. At our breakfast launch party for Honestly Healthy For Life. com) made from our new book. E3Live. . fresh basil leaves. BREAKFAST After a couple of coconut. so I had enough energy.com) LUNCH Hazelnut and bean salad DINNER I had some carrot and caraway soup (right) before I went to the launch party in the evening. sugar-free mojitos the night before. top) made with raw hemp seeds. From Roots & Bulbs in Marylebone (rootsandbulbs. with a defrosted wheatgrass >>> Chia seeds originated from South America and are an excellent source of omega-3 essential fat ty acids (EFAs). and made sure I had a shot of E3live (a raw nutrient-dense algae supplement. before I left the house. oats and dates. and an energy-releasing breakfast if I’m training in the morning. goat’s cheese and a sprinkling of fresh dill. which are naturally anti-inflammatory WEDNESDAY with Natasha BREAKFAST JUICE I had chia seed porridge (above) which I soaked overnight.com) SNACK Raw hemp granola bar (right. LUNCH Chopped mixed quinoa spring salad. sunflower seeds. from Pantry 108 in Marylebone. £25) shot that I remembered to take out of the freezer.

brown rice and sweet potato salad (above). photography by Lisa Lindner (Jacqui Small. garlic and leek soup. are a great source of insoluble fibre. vegetable stock. £25). LUNCH DINNER Roasted beetroot. carrot and coriander salad (above) is our twist on an Asian salad. so I made an almond protein shake using almond milk and maca powder. top. and a shot of E3live (see opposite). It is also found in high levels in dark green leafy vegetables BREAKFAST SHAKE Granola with probiotic goat’s milk. J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 121 . SNACK Spirulina protein balls (pictured. and shake cinnamon over them to finish. They take seconds to make. Perfect as an afternoon snack or post-workout bite. bone-building minerals and a complete range of amino acids FRIDAY with Natasha THURSDAY with Vicki FOOD DIARY PHOTOGRAPHS: NATASHA CORRETT. I love my blender – I whizzed up a load of roasted vegetables with some Shredded mango. I cook them in coconut oil for the added sweetness. butternut squash.Edamame soybeans (right). Mango. is rich in magnesium – a mineral that is often deficient when you’re stressed and tired. harvested at the peak of ripening. great warm or cold. LUNCH My assistant in the office made this from our book – puy lentil. with toasted seeds – truly delicious. A whole meal in seconds. these keep your energy levels up and concentration going. DINNER Fridge Fill’s mixed quinoa and roasted vegetable salad with tahini dressing. Honestly Healthy For Life: Healthy Alternatives for Everyday Eating by Natasha Corrett and Vicki Edgson. as used in the salad above. with raw hemp granola bars). I trained hard this morning. Mango adds sweetness while lime and coriander bring a touch of tanginess and full-on flavour. VICKI EDGSON. PHOTOGRAPH OF NATASHA AND VICKI (OPPOSITE): DAVE BENNETT BREAKFAST Buckwheat and chia seed pancakes with ground almond meal topped with blueberries and lime juice.

Daily gym visits helped me take time out for myself. DANROBERTSTRAINING. but my stress hormones (such as cortisol) were way above ‘normal’. According to psychologist Elaine Slater** ‘the accumulation of too much emotional or mental pressureresultsinstressthatcantriggerphysiological responses. Just as my trainer Dan Roberts† had taught me to make small process goals when it came to exercise.’ emergency mode for so long that I had no idea what it So I decided to try and improve my quality of sleep felt like to truly have a sense of balance. others recognised particular stress triggers and were solutions to counteract them.COM. to enable my body to recover from daily AmerleyOllennu It’s been a challenge to slow down and put stressors. I felt the need to put stress-busting strategies in place that made me feel more organised and better able to cope with life. NEXT MONTH: Some days I found that using sleep aids like Amerley tackles body For more on the importance of sleep. The results showed that. Amerley Ollennu challenges you and herself to road-test research and healthy strategies to help change the way we think about food once and for all The challenge days. adrenalin and androgen hormones flooding the body affecting metabolism and sleep and often leading to emotional eating’. like many people. The experience control over my life and my food choices. SEE URBANRETREAT. realised that. or opted for the wrong types of eveningsin).CO.COM I HAD A full body check-up recently: bones scanned. I started writing to-do lists. organs examined. I hoped being proactive about what was stressing me out would help relieve it in some way. like cortisol. The result so little or poor sleep can have detrimental effects I’ve found that embracing both action (by doing when it comes to controlling the urge to emotionally something about what’s making me stressed or eat. Richard Wiseman’s ‘Night School: on Brain Food.hashelped me to feel less on edge and food? I have. † DAN ROBERTS. SEE ELAINESLATER.uk and a darkened room really helped – other 122 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 PHOTOGRAPH: CHRIS TUBBS *FOR MORE ON YVONNE MCMEEL. For more meditative apps. ‘Sleep gives the body time to rest and lower the level of stress hormones present. in the hope that this would also is Beauty and Wellbeing Editor. . my health first.’ says Slater. I’d been operating in which our body responds to by inducing hunger. lavender-infused baths. read this month’s confidence. even before the lack of sleep starts to raise cortisol further. thanks to my nutritionist* Yvonne McMeel’s advice on a balanced way of eating.THE RETREAT } brain food Sleep on it Every month. £20) psychologies. **ELAINE SLATER. But I’ve found sleeping help reduce stress-induced eating. I decided to go out every Friday night in a bid to meet new people. Rather than beat myself up about being single. It’s a chicken-and-egg situation: stressed people don’t often sleep well. Some were work-related lists. and inaction(intheformofrelaxed should when tired. visit Wake Up To The Power Of Sleep’ (Macmillan. I vowed to carve out time to buy some new outfits. For example. Find her on Twitter better makes it far easier to have more @AmerleyO. book club choice.UK. McMeel adds: ‘Sleep deprivation can has also had positive effects on my sleep patterns. my blood sugar and cholesterol levels were where they should be. they didn’t. I began to apply this to all aspects of my life. Have you ever eaten more than you unhappy). as did seeing friends at weekends rather than after work. rather than feeling sad that my clothes didn’t fit. I cause fat cells to secrete lower amounts of leptin.co. blood taken.

£25) BY MARK DIACONO. EMINÉ. Toast some chia seeds and crushed pecans in a hot pan. half a cup of almond milk and a enerous tablespoon of almond nut butter ogether. This month. and coconut in Rebel Kitchen Chai Mylk. or with avocado and banana for a thick vegan ‘yogurt’. radish and broccoli. SHUTTERSTOCK. They’re easy to grow at home in jars or small trays (sproutpeople. which helps to counteract the acidity of most modern diets (meat. and top with the crumble. filled with essential amino acid proteins. WHICH IS OUT ON 5 JUNE J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 123 . ANANA ALMOND YOGURT WITH ECAN CRUMBLE EVE.85 for three. she shares the art of eating for optimal nourishment and wellbeing When we think of sprouts we often think of them served up as a side to a traditional roast. £2. lentil and chickpea. but I get more inventive as they’re so versatile. A breakfast favourite is sprouted buckwheat porridge with pomegranate Find your own… shooting stars PHOTOGRAPH: EVE KALINIK.. dairy and refined foods are all acidic). FOR STOCKISTS. vegetables such as alfalfa. They are also one of the most alkalising foods you can eat. £18. one banana. vitamins and minerals. £5 each. plus Co Yo Raw Chocolate Ice Cream. Blend them in smoothies. Sprouts are numerous – from grains such as millet and oats.. experimental cook and naturopathic beauty PR. SEE PAGE 140 Eve Kalinik is a nutritional therapist. blend half an avocado. Sprouting makes the nutrients bioavailable.. is enjoying a BoBo’s Juicery Raw Smoothie. But how to eat them? Easy-peasy is a sprinkle over salads.95 for 20 sachets. so your body can recognise and absorb them fully. and noshing at the ne Notting Hill outp of cool vegan eat NAMA WHAT’S NOURISHING US THIS MONTH… or a 100 per cent vegan reakfast. a andful of mung bean sprouts.org has some great advice) and are packed with the nutritional energy needed to turn the seed into a plant – a hotbed of living goodness. from £1. but I’m actually talking about those kooky-looking shoots you may have seen in your local health-food shop.. add raw honey if you want added sweetness. to legumes including mung. THIS MONTH… I’VE BEEN READING ‘A YEAR AT OTTER FARM’ (BLOOMSBURY.95 for 125ml.THE BOOST } nutrition notes Try Sun & Seed for ready-sprouted oatsand buckwheat. sweetened with unrefined coconut sugar. is supping Four Sigma Reishi Teas. vegan gourmet. Scoop yogurt into a bowl. fish.

Jane first fell in love with tulips as a student: ‘I remember buying a cheap bunch of lilac tulips. stuffing them in a jar and carrying them around my flat to brighten up the rooms.’ she says .

cooking. called Yarnstorm.’ she laughs.andCherryCakeAnd Ginger Beer. Jane is currently working on a new project – a series of cultural travel guides that will focus on provincial towns all over Britain. a plate of cheerful chocolate buns awaits. Writing about the ‘ordinary and everyday’ became an addiction and soon she expanded her blog to cover all her creative interests – films. Not only that. fresh from the Aga. books. This is one of her favourite recipes and she tells us she bakes it every couple of weeks for her husband Simon and their three grown-up children. a mesmerisingly beautiful book about imaginative home-making. sultana-crammed rock buns in her much-loved Mason Cash bowl. whose Berkshire home is a riot of inventive colour and ever-changing craft projects INTERVIEW OLIVIA GORDON PHOTOGR APHY PENNY WINCER ‘In quilting. simple shapes. quilting.’ Yarnstorm became famous and led Jane to write books. ‘Simon and I say our marriage was built on rock buns. >>> J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 125 . a cookbook inspired bychildren’sliterature. including The Gentle Art Of Domesticity. Alice and Phoebe. Enjoy!’ ‘I enjoy keeping colourful balls of sock yarn where I can see them’ WALKING INTO JANE BROCKET’S kitchen. once her children went to school Jane started a blog about her passion for knitting. She explains: ‘To write intelligently about home craft. blogger and maker Jane Brocket.then machinepiece and hand quilt. Having trained as a Master of Wine. plus children’s picture books. she is also casually whipping up a batch of creamy. use lovely fabrics.THE RETREAT } my home ‘Home is the centre of my life’ Meet author. Jane has created a highly successful career around the domestic comforts she likes best. from the point of view of the average maker – that’s what I really enjoy. art and gardening. Tom.

It had never been used and still had all the cottons and accessories completely intact. I get it serviced once a year by a sewing machine engineer who comes to the house – that’s a funny little trade that has all but disappeared.’ ABOVE: Recently repainted a coral pink. Jane tells us: ‘and when we repainted recently.THE RETREAT } my home ‘My daughter Phoebe baked these: the way they’ve been shot against one of my quilts is similar to what I do on my blog. ABOVE RIGHT: Jane chose a green paint. Jane’s study is 126 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 home to more books – these mostly focused on art and travel at the moment because of her current book project. but also incredibly reliable.It’s about enjoying colours.’ she says. The books have been in the same place for 16 years. a series of provincial travel guides. for this room. . I put them back exactly as they’d been. shapes and patterns’ LEFT: Jane bought her Bernina sewing machine second-hand. somewhere between Granny Smith apples and lime. ‘It’s very 1970s in style.

I think colours work by contrast. which wasn’t always easy. energising colours that connect her to a feeling of ‘brio’ – from her bright pink kitchen and craft studio to her custard-yellow living room and apple-green library. ‘It’s like chocolate. Her father and grandmother both died when she was young. cakes. in the downstairs loo. homemaking is not about the chores.’ AtthecoreofJane’svisionisaninfatuation with colour and she describes her home as a paint canvas she likes to experiment with. emotional enjoyment comes from playing with these lively contrasts – for example. Coming from a grey part of the world [Jane grew up in Stockport]. and bright colours excite me more than pastels. she has lined up some turquoise-spined paperbacks to make a fun visual statement. Meanwhile.com J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 127 . and her mother – who was a teacher – brought up her four children alone. quilts and flowers. She is no Stepford Wife. to play with little areas. I prefer to focus on colour and detail. For years. making home even more important to Jane. ‘Physically. Jane has had great fun with uplifting. I love the fact you can control your environment and make it lovely and bright. Jane believes that her love of homemaking started in her childhood. blogs. People often miss the colour joke!’ >>> A true domestic artist. like aqua blue with bitter lemon – it’s all about the unexpected juxtapositions. As a reaction to this.’ she stresses. ‘I can’t cope with the idea of everything being perfect all the time. but about colourful and inventive self-expression. ‘I’m proud of my home. ‘home is the centre of my life.’ Jane Brocket’s latest book ‘Quilt Me! Using Inspirational Fabrics To Create Over 20 Beautiful Quilts’ (Collins & Brown. and multicoloured pens are pleasingly arranged in golden syrup containers. I just feel better with colour around me. she and Simon travelled due to his work as an HR director. however – for Jane. I get quite a reaction to colour.’ Jane says.’ For Jane. £20) is out now. Surprise rainbows of bold colour make Jane happy and they are what fills her home – along with what she describes as the four pillars of her creative life: ‘Books. four vases of yellow daffodils match a bowl of bananas. by combining chocolate brown and turquoise fat quarters and stitching in the quilt that she’s currently making. She recalls: ‘My nana was the one who knitted and smocked. Visit Jane’s blog at http://yarnstorm. frequently living in rented magnolia-painted houses.‘I don’ t usually tend to co-ordinate books and décor but it amused me to match these turquoise spines with the floor tiles in the loo. since they bought their own Arts and Crafts home in Berkshire 16 years ago.’ So on Jane’s kitchen windowsills. and took me around the garden telling me the names of flowers – and now home’s a deep-rooted thing that makes me feel secure and happy. but not house-proud.’ she muses.

so it’s like a frame. turning the wall into a backdrop for displays 128 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 .THE RETREAT } living This room’s wall has been painted but left with a pale border.

and with a little pairing of old and new. they’re wrapped in coloured washi tape REFRAME THE PAST We’re often asked to reframe old experiences in the light of the present. we can do it in our interior spaces.One airy room has been created by removing a wall that divided two. too EDITED BY LAUREN HADDEN PHOTOGRAPHY R ACHEL WHITING . Instead of hiding radiator pipes.

Kitchen cabinets have been painted pink on the inside. setting off colourful coffee cups and tableware – look for melamine and 1960s-style pieces for a similar effect 130 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 .

Thebestplace to find serendipitous matches like this is in the homes of real people. visit http:// blog.99). That’s also true of the 1960s rattan rocking chair you rescued from home when you moved out. as exhibited in Ellie Tennant’s new book.nl Keep the fundamental elements of your room plain.alltheluckintheworld. 1960s furniture works well with rattan pieces and second-hand finds . Design Bloggers At Home (RylandPeters&Small. then mix colourful accessories. How can we sit our wild.THE RETREAT } living W e like our lives to tell a cohesive story – but that’s not always possible. But the juxtaposition of two different things can create magic. Here. Past and present don’t always match. and you mightfind that yourearlier self and who you are now have more in common than you thought. pictured here.£19.We were particularly inspired by the lovinglyput-togetherhomeofblogger Jane Schouten. and sometimes it can be hard to see how to make them work together. and the Scandinavian-style graphic throw yougotlastbirthday. For more from Jane. booze-soaked twenties with our yoga-practising grown-up selves? Our furniture and possessions oftenreflectourchangingpassions.

A white-painted antique cabinet in the bedroom cleverly hides a TV .

50 each. Pablo Blue Raffles peacock chair.99) for £13. £42. from £149. £18. £30. Betty & Walter Psychologies readers can buy Design Bloggers At Home by Ellie Tennant (Ryland Peters & Small. John Lewis Hilos y Coloros cushion. Habitat Linda Bloomfield teapot and holder.THE RETREAT } living ‘Amy’ print by Britt Bass Turner. Heal’s Pineapple trinket holder. £160. Joy Balto vase. £70. and quoting reference ‘GLR 9NF’* J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 133 *OFFER SUBJECT TO AVAILABILITY. PLEASE ALLOW SEVEN DAYS FOR DELIVERY. Urbanara Jacob dining chair. £299. £10. £84. Rice . Made. SCP Cotton pinny. £4.99 plus free UK p&p by calling 01256 302699. FOR STOCKISTS. IKEA Melamine cups and saucers. SEE PAGE 140 Stockholm coffee table. £179 for two.com Vita Cuna pendant. £19.

as Brazil becomes the focus of football fans the world over.THE RETREAT } travel BRAZIL UNEXPECTED This month. we sent two writers to experience a different side to the country .

Forme. on a private peninsula near Florianópolis on the south coast. There are massages to be had. Brazil offered the best of both worlds –a holiday that created true balance” PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES AMERLEY OLLENNU ENJOYS FUN IN RIO AND RELAXATION ON THE SOUTH COAST PEOPLE OFTEN BANDY about the word ‘balance’. Contemporary bungalowsnestleinpicture-bookrainforest landscapes. The huge pool is the jewel in the crown. I kept my valuables close. and since it opened in 1923 it’s been ahome away fromhomeforthe world’s movers and shakers. though like any switched-on city girl. but making this my final destination was perfect. Combining two totally different locations. Ijoinedcrowdsflockingtoseetheiconic Christ The Redeemer Statue above the city. and I wasn’t disappointed.whichhouses many Brazilian works in three different buildings under a single billowing roof. I spent a whole afternoon in a hammock reading in the sunshine and not seeing another soul for hours–that’showsecludedtheresortis.com. Here I soaked up the sun. Belmond Copacabana Palace (belmond. my imaginationrantodecadentpartiesattended by glamorous people. and whether you’re in need of rebalancing or not. I travelled three hours to Ponta Dos Ganchos. I finally experienced a holiday that created true balance.com) costs from £378 per bungalow. At night. immersed myself in the sea and discovered delicious traditional Brazilian dish Camarao na Moranga (prawn in a pumpkin). you would be hard pressed not to enjoy your time there.pernight. I felt as comfortable in the streets as I did by the pool.br) >>> J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 135 . a thatched restaurant that looks out onto the bay and a little island that’s available for private dinners.Find total relaxation at Ponta dos Ganchos (right) after the Belmond Copacabana Palace (left) “For me. Had I gone there first I may have been too chilled for the fast-paced energy of Rio.itis stillabletotransportyoutotheglamour of the 1950s: charming rooms with period furniture. my trip to Brazil introduced a whole new way of holidaying. alongside communal areas. We visitedtheSantaTeresaneighbourhood where elegant 19th-century mansions and the tiled steps of Escadaria Selarón ooze a bohemian sensibility. but it’s something I find a challenge.Inthe run-up to the FIFA World Cup. However. nature trails to walk and water sports to enjoy. I could be found at cachaça-fuelled samba parties with friendly localsthatspilledontothestreets. Rio has worked hard to ensure it’s safer.Brazilofferedthebestofboth worlds.Pontados Ganchos (pontadosganchos. For special offers on flights. butwhattheresortdoesbestisletguests truly switch off. per night. visit TAM (tam. My all-or-nothing personality means I’m always tipping the scale one way or another. Rio itself is a mix of old and new. In the city centreisRioArtMuseum. Before arriving in Rio to stay at the Belmond Copacabana Palace. and to take a dip at night is spectacular – music hums in the background and the stars shine above you. When I’d had enough fun.com) costsfrom £485perroom.ThehoteloverlooksCopacabana Beach. With a multi-milliondollarrefurbishment. original art and stunning views.

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made healthy. Elias Feitosa. full of simple pleasures. and where better to recharge my batteries than in a remote corner of Brazil? Delightfully off the beaten track. After caipirinhas and chatting with fellow guests in the Moroccan-inspired gazebo. It’s difficult to reach and the locals want it to stay that way. full of simple pleasures” SARAH GILBERT CHECKS OUT THE MARAÚ PENINSULA IN NORTHEAST BRAZIL I LOVE BUSY city living. I flitted from lounger to hammock. Flanked by palm tree-lined beaches with a handful of fishing villages. My time at Butterfly House felt like an endless summer. I arrived jaded. steamy Atlantic Forest and crystal-clear waters. and the Atlantic Ocean. Villas at Butterfly House Bahia (butterfly housebahia. Afterwards. Then. a Portobello Road-trained chef.com). I ended the day stargazing from my terrace. the Maraú Peninsula is a sliver of land off the coast of Bahia. American Airlines (aa. pineapple cakes.happytohavenoplansbeyondperhaps kayaking or paddle-boarding. Chloe then took me on a boat trip to the spectacular Tremembé waterfall. via Miami. I drove to Taipus de Fora. but left refreshed. Sandwiched between Baia de Camamu. For lunch and dinner. andwentsnorkellinginthenaturalrock pools that form at low tide and teem with tropical fish. guava biscuits and papaya juice. diminutive islands. made from the Brazilian superfruit.In2007. but lately I’ve felt the need to take a step back. one of Brazil’s most beautiful beaches. and the nearby magnesium-rich lake. I spent my first day in blissful idleness. I clambered up thesteephilltoTaipulighthouseandmy reward was the peninsula spread out before me – and a picnic from Elias. As I sped along the dirt tracks.coolingoffwithaswiminthe pool. fly to Salvador da Bahia. J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 137 .she wasadissatisfiedNHSnurseinLondon.she’d bookedherflightandreinventedherlife. re-energised and ready for anything. I arrived via a bone-jangling dirt road surrounded by richredearth.IthitBahiaandwithinweeks. Brazil’s third largest bay. in northeast Brazil. As I looked out over the garden. an ecochic pousada [guesthouse] in harmony with its surroundings. I realised that I was living in the moment once more. I was served Brazilian treats such as pão de queijo (cheese breads). Butterfly House has been a labour of loveforownerChloeGibbs. including a papaya and lobster salad and acai ice cream. when she threw a peanut at the world map.emerald-greenforestand cobalt-blue sky.deliciousdisheswithlocalingredients. The eight villas.THE RETREAT } travel Soak up the relaxe atmosphere at th stunning eco-chi Butterfly House o the Maraú Peninsul ‘‘My time at Butterfly ouse felt like an endless summer. this wild and beautiful place is as far from the crowds as could be. Theeasiest–andmostthrilling–way to get around the peninsula is by quad bike. are set in a tropical Eden of towering palms and blooms. andweateoysterspluckedfromChloe’s own beds with just a squeeze of lemon. My destination was a secluded idyll called Butterfly House Bahia.com) start from £150 b&b. built from sustainably-grown bamboo and salvaged wood.

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50 Liberty London Vintage Map Notebook set. Othertimes.THE RETREAT } travel Above: regroup within the calm walls of the Riad Dar Karma after the hectic pace of the city. but we’d heard enchanting tales of dusk and the haunting call to prayer at Jemaa el-Fnaa.UK NAMES‘TOP 10’PLACES TO STAYWITH CHILDREN. physically and metaphorically. giddy with a sense of ‘foundness’. we were utterly lost. Soon after a taxi dropped us somewhere outside the Kasbah. lemon trees and calm. Hidden by the distinctive high mud walls of the area. and it’s one of the best ways to find the thing you didn’t even know you were looking for. Visit boutiquesouk.youjustwanttogetfrom A to B as quickly as you can. within this restored riad is all marble stairs. Boutique Souk offers three nights at Riad Dar Karma. Far left: dusk in Marrakech Just for the weekend… lose yourself LITTLE GEMS Transport yourself to Morocco by slathering on its best export. ADDITIONAL TEXT: AMERLEY OLLENNU. A guide trusted by the riad meant we didn’t get lost (again) in the confusing mini-city of the souks and we saw treasures we’d never have encountered on our own. After a fraught half hour wandering haplessly like the tourists we were. from £145pp. £9. I find it easy. the nature of which is totally unknown to you?’ asked Plato. We collapsed. But Marrakech stumped even him. Give my partner a new city and 10 minutes to find the museum and he’ll be there waiting for me while I’m still turning the map the wrong way around. Argan oil MAIN REVIEW BY LAUREN HADDEN. MAIN PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK It’s very easy to lose and find yourself again in mysterious Marrakech. a guided tour of Marrakech.AS VOTED FOR BY PARENTS J U LY 2 0 1 4 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 139 .95 TRAVELLING WITH KIDS? BABYFRIENDLYBOLTHOLES. You could take to the roof garden and never leave. we gave in and allowed a local opportunist to guide us (the long way) to our destination. actually. £17. in the heavy door of the Riad Dar Karma. Fresh mint tea waited by the candlelit pool and heavy red curtains marked the entrancetoourchambers(youcouldn’t call these airy spaces mere ‘rooms’). as I’m in the regular habit of getting lost.com Neal’s Yard Organic Argan Oil. use of the hammam and airport transfers. around 390BC. even if you do have to enlist the help of a guide ‘How will you go about finding that thing.CO. the main square 15 minutes’ walk away.

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we’re only human and subject to extremes I’d picked myself up off the floor and spent a suitable of emotion.’ which way of thinking. and so is bitterness if you want any way. the traffic still moves. and the object same: the flowers still bloom. a few misplaced might be a useful punchbag.SALLY BRAMPTON THERE YOU ARE. as someone once said. although fears we have onto it (what if this happens? What I’ve been through that too. it is toxic. That may feel awkward at first and deserves a swift left hook. when we are suddenly deprived of it. as the saying goes. no good by raging at the dying of the light. but if love has gone. witless even though it hasn’t happened (and It can also. once you’ve destroyed an entire probably won’t) and only our thinking makes it so. being forced off the treadmill is a I have this strange idea – or people find it strange chance to contemplate and look up at possibility – that when someone says they no longer love me. perhaps it is more a question of aunt and author. it’s rather than down at a path we have been following time to go. may be good. Yes. looking for visible signs of change. it is monumentally the past. so the only way to deal with it is to alter our goodbye with the cliché: ‘it’s not you. A phone call. It doesn’t matter whether it’s an employer blindly. but the future is always uncertain. Everything’s the it will rebound. but the loss of any long if that happens?). same face. I looked at myself as free will. It’s frightening because it renders the Nope. It is scary. snub nose (although retroussé is future uncertain. something I’ve loved for eight years was the other person to die. an email. but hit it too hard and words and the world tilts on its axis. not a marriage. known period of time kicking the furniture. Once I know. @SallyBrampton 146 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E J U LY 2 0 1 4 PHOTOGRAPH: JENNY LEWIS A fresh start beckons . love us by shouting at them? Make our asking ourselves what we can. be curiously liberating. is painful. Blame in the face. which might invite us to think change in the mirror. but we forget we also have a choice. more polite). warehouse of furniture. but a massive hole can become so caught up in projecting whatever in my identity. of our rage entirely unscathed. it’s me. the dog still barks. do. rather than Follow her on Twitter boss give us back our job by yelling? It’s what we can’t. agony negativity. It may be against our wishes but change or a lover. suddenly gone – it took all of three minutes. Rather than staying mired in regret and Sally Brampton is Whatarewegoingtodo?Makesomebody a journalist. it just is. and no amount of pleas make it and take off the rose-tinted glasses because or threats will change that. leaving us winded. blue eyes and dodgy eyebrows (thank That’s why it is called the future. like swallowing poison and waiting for Recently. insincere but. but nothing is the same. when something comes up and punches you semblance of sanity in the weeks that follow. although woe betide anybody who says often is. As for resentment. that we can frighten ourselves relationship can be incredibly unhinging. but we you under-functioning thyroid). It was work. it’s truly gone and we do rarely as pretty as we pretend it to be. fake it until you When something is. So perhaps. wandering along your own sweet pointless.

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