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com Stephan Erdman
Hi... it’s Stephan here...
You know... as a guy who has dated many great women in the last few years and who is now with his perfect girl... but who used to absolutely FREAK OUT every time he wanted to even just talk to a girl he was attracted to...I can honestly say “I know where you are at.” ...Because even though today I am not shy around ANY women anymore.. ...just a few years ago I was probably far more shy than you have ever been...
Can I tell you a personal story?
A few years back I lived in Tufnell Park in London in the UK and one morning, when i came into the station in front of the lift, I noticed a tall, slim, beautiful girl with short blond hair who was looking at me. Her beautiful big blue grey eyes looked into mine for what seemed an eternity. I was so shocked that I just stood there like a deer in the headlights. She seemed a little shocked herself. She smiled a tiny smile and I tried to do the same. It felt like a thunderbolt... it seemed to last forever... the perfect moment! Maybe you don’t know what I am talking about but...somehow I knew I was instantly in love with her, there was something about her that made me “know” that she was perfect for me and that she liked me for some reason. There was nobody else around. I looked at her. She looked at me expectantly. She smiled again. That’s when I came to my senses! And my brain kicked into action! “Oh my god. I think she likes me. I mustn’t freak her out! What if she thinks I am like all these other guys? She is so beautiful that she must be getting approached all the time. She is looking at me as if she wants me to talk to her. But can I be sure? Maybe she is just smiling to herself? I don’t know.
... What should I do?!”
The lift came up. Doors opening. She went in slowly. I followed apprehensively. The lift started and slowly went down for what seemed minutes.
She stood there unsure of what to do now. I stood 2 meters away from her alone in a lift...frantically trying to stop panicking...surely there was no better opportunity than now! Just before the doors opened I had decided that it is easier to talk to her when we were walking next to each other to the train. When we were doing that I decided it was easier to talk to her on the platform. When we had got onto the train I had decided that today it wasn’t right. Instead I would talk to her next time I would see her. Then it would mean I was “meant” to talk to her wouldn’t it? When she went off at Goodge street station she looked up at me shyly again...And I tried to smile back. Then she slowly got off the train.
For another minute I actually convinced myself that I had done the right thing. “I couldn’t be sure, right? Maybe she was just being friendly. Better not be too pushy!” And then it really hit me:
“What an idiot!”
Here I am, single and desperate to be in a relationship again, next to a beautiful girl who does everything she can to encourage me to talk to her and... all I do is stand there sheepishly trying to look like I don’t care and don’t do anything! Why? Because i am so scared of what she might think that I screw up my chance to get together with the girl of my dreams again!” (Then all the other painful memories of times when my nerves got in the way came up...which kept me busy for another hour...) When i had somehow convinced myself that things could still work out a few hours later I pinned my hopes on getting there the next morning. Maybe she was going to work at the same time every morning.
So I came the next day and “lingered” outside the station for a while “waiting” for her. I had already tried to think how I could talk to her.. My thoughts were circling in my head and to be honest by now I had forgotten how I would try to do it. By now I also felt like a stalker because I was waiting for a girl I didn’t even know...What was she going to think of me now?!
Then just when I was ready to give up she came around the corner and I sort of just properly panicked and just turned around and pretended that I hadn’t seen her and then I had another “idea”...I am pretty embarrassed thinking back to this now...but...
...I walked in front of her HOPING that ... ...she would talk to me!
She noticed me, and now looked faintly embarrassed. Well.. what do you think happened next? Nothing! The lift, the train, the 25 min ride...I didn’t do anything!
When she went out at Goodge Street this time she looked kind of sad. I thought of getting out and speaking to her outside.. but by then I felt so bad about myself that I couldn’t have talked to myself in the mirror without stammering.
I just wanted to sink into the ground with embarrassment!
I was relatively good looking, I had style, I wasn’t a social misfit-I should be able to do this stuff! But the truth was: I had fallen to pieces again and screwed up my chance to get to know someone who might have been the perfect girl for me. What happened next?
I won’t go into the next few days when I went to Goodge Street in the hope of bumping into her again...
I never saw her again.
Who knows...maybe it would never have worked out...Maybe i wouldn’t even have liked her in the end. But for years i have thought back to that time and wondered what might have happened if...
Have you been there? Then i am sure you know how gut wrenchingly depressing it feels when you miss the opportunity of finding your “perfect girl” because of something seemingly stupid as nerves and shyness! And how it sort of drags everything else in your life down into this mire of self disgust and well... lets face it... makes you feel like a loser! But don’t be too sorry for me.... ...Because that episode may have been the final straw that made me take action to get this thing handled! Once I had got over the disappointment and got myself together....I had a new goal: I needed to get this shyness under control. This freezing up around women. This nervousness that wasn’t just happening when I wanted to approach a girl but on dates as well. I needed to understand what was causing my problem and how I can sort it out for good!
I just had to learn how to be completely confident and comfortable around women-especially the ones I really liked!
So I started to look for advice... and maybe you have already been looking around the internet for advice on dating and relationships. Maybe you have learned about techniques to guess when to kiss a girl or how to tell that they are attracted to you or not...
The internet is overflowing with dating advice! I have looked at everything and tried almost everything. Some was useful, some was useless, some was infuriatingly mechanical, some was shockingly manipulative. But the most frustrating problem with much of the advice out there is this: A lot of “dating gurus” tell you what do you, and how to behave, and when to smile and how much eye contact to have or even “how to get laid 9.5 times in 3 days-guaranteed!” But almost nobody addressed the underlying issue...which really was:
“How can I flirt with a lump in my throat?”
Here are the 2 big insights I slowly and painfully developed over the years:
1.All the dating advice in the world is useless when the person trying to use it is paralysed by fear or nerves!
2.All the dating advice in the world is also useless when a person is simply comfortable and confident!
Why? Because when you are comfortable and confident you don’t need to think what to say and when to laugh. You just do what you feel like! You don’t need to follow some sort of 7 step process of “escalating”. You know what feels right! And you do what feels right. And everything just happens effortlessly! I knew I had to go deeper and over the years I developed, stole, adapted many different methods to help me become truly comfortable on dates by sorting out the underlying reasons for my fears.
I have collected these concepts, methods, and mindsets. They have transformed me as a person from the inside out.
Striking up conversations with women doesn’t worry me anymore. It’s fun.
...Dating has become easy.
Although now dating is out...
(...my girlfriend kinda doesn’t like it)
One thing is for sure. With the right tools you can do the same. If I can...ANYONE can!
So here is THE “killer” technique I wish I had developed years ago that has made it possible for me to stay cool, calm and collected around very attractive women when i finally distilled it from all the other things I had learned. It enables you to stop nervousness and panic right when they attack so that... • you will have an effective undetectable method to get back into a confident state when shyness strikes! • you will approach girls you like without stammering! • your friends will admire your mysterious cool state of mind! • you will stop ruining things because of your shyness and “just be” around girls...starting tonight!
“THE SHY STOP SWITCH”
The “ Shy Stop Switch” Technique is the culmination of my whole long personal journey to learn to get to grips with my nervousness around women and in fact in many other situations too. It is the most effective technique I developed over years to quickly stop nerves or shyness and instead make me feel calm, relaxed and in control around women or in public. It’s a simple 3 Step technique that I have developed that stops my nerves magically...(I know it's not magic but it seems like it if you don't know the psychological principle behind it). It also seems almost too simple and easy to do to believe it can work. But it does if you simple follow the steps. I called it the "Shy Stop Switch" Technique because you basically stop your shyness or nerves with it. I am also calling it the 180 Degree Method because it does it by performing a 180 Degree Turn in terms of your state. Let’s explain the Shy Stop Switch Technique. Here it is in 4 lines: When you notice nerves or shyness...
1. Define which word describes this state best. 2. Think of what the opposite of that state is. 3. Focus on making the people around you feel that opposite way.
Let me explain:
When you notice uncomfortable , shy, nervous, unsettling sensations popping up ask yourself straightaway:
1. Question: What exactly is this feeling?
(Decide what it is ...nervous, shy, tense, uncomfortable...depends on what it is for you right there and then-but make the effort to define it) then ask yourself:
2. Question: What is the opposite of this feeling?
(so if you notice you are feeling nervous the opposite might be “confident” or “serene” or “at peace” or “powerful”- but you must decide exactly what the opposite is there and then!) once you know ask yourself:
3. Question: How can I make the person or people around me feel that way (the opposite way)?
And then you communicate with the person or people focussing on making them feel “confident” or “calm” or whatever you have decided the opposite of your “nervous” state is. So if you are on a date with someone you focus on making them feel “confident” or “calm” or “reassured” or “easy going”... (I know they didn’t ask for it but do it anyway-just thinking about how you can do it worksThey won’t notice what is going on!) Do that and that unwanted feeling will turn off in seconds (or a minute or two). Should your nerves come back after a while just go through points 2 and 3 again.
Dating Nerves? Finished!
Here is an example for super clarity: Lets say you are going on a date with a girl you are into and you get nervous on the way or when she arrives.
As soon as you notice that you are feeling uncomfortable or nervous you just think: “Ok. What is this feeling? (e.g.”petrified”) Ok..And what is the opposite of this feeling?”( e.g. cool ) ...and then you ask yourself “How can I make my date feel cool?” And then you focus on making them feel cool for a while when you communicate with them. You don’t necessarily need to change anything you say. You don’t even have to talk when you do that. Just think “I want to make them feel cool...so how can I do that?” REMEMBER: You are not trying to pretend to be calm, you are not trying to act like you are ok. All you make is an adjustment on what you focus on: them and how you want to make them feel. If you notice your nerves on the way to the date do the same thing. Just use the people around you to focus on when you make them feel the opposite. IMPORTANT: Don’t just think it. Really try to affect them in that way. And guess what?
You are going to start to feel the way you are trying to make them feel.
LISTEN TO ME: Time For An Exercise: When you have finished reading this I want you to take 5 minutes and imagine yourself on a date and notice nerves coming up and taking the three steps right now and see if you remember the process. Do it so many times in your mind that you know what to do in your sleep! That’s how you will remember it when you get nervous next time when you are with the girl you really like...you know the one don’t you? And if you are going for a date tonight enjoy your new found sense of control! Charm her with your self control and almost magical composure. And if you two click...who knows what can happen.
...Over to you.
You now have a quick tool to stop your nerves when they come. It works. Whether it will work for you depends on whether you apply it. Print it out now and practice, practice, practice! I will be giving you much much more cool stuff to help you get your dream girl. ...So keep an eye on your email...ok? In the meantime remember the technique: 3 Easy Steps: 1. Notice nerves 2. What is the Opposite 3. Make THEM feel like THAT! That’s the “Shy Stop Switch”! But for now... ...get ready to say goodbye to your inner shy guy and get ready to get your girl! Your friend Stephan PS: You’ ll be getting an email from me with a video in it where I will talk you through the process again! PPS: If you’re impatient and want to watch a whole bunch of powerful videos all about how you can get great at dating, overcome nerves and attract beautiful women then go to my youtube channel and subscribe http://www.youtube.com/stephanerdman If you’re on Facebook and you want to get involved in the discussion there and get more cool links and videos please join me here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Stephan-Erdman/133183877728
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