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Deeper

Lovemaking
Move Freely,
Enhance Your Sensuality,
and Prolong Your Intimate Occasions
TM

Hanna Somatics Gold


Lawrence Gold

Deeper Lovemaking
copyright 2004 Lawrence Gold
awareness@somatics.com
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Brief portions of this volume
may be reproduced
for use in articles and reviews.
More extensive portions may be reproduced
with written permission from the author.

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CONTENTS
Welcome in! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 3
About This Book - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 3
What Does This Program Do? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 3
What to Expect - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 4
The Origins of the Somatic Exercises - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 5
How Best to Learn the Somatic Exercises - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 7
Potent Tips - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 10
A Final Word Before Getting Started - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 15
How Often to Do the Exercises - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 16
The Special Use of Language for Learning Somatic Exercises - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 17
THE SECRETS
Special Technique: muscle equalization - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 23
Secret: The Whole-Body Yawn - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 25
Control of Orgasm -- drinking the nectar - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 27
Introduction: Control of Orgasm - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 30
Practice: The Cadenced Breathing - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 33
Secret: The Whole-Body Orgasm- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 43
Wriggling -- how to do the dance - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 43
Introduction: Wriggling - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 45
Practice: Wriggling - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 47
Secret: Pacing Yourself - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 65
Twisting -- for sexing in four dimensions - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 67
Introduction: Twisting - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 69
Practice: Twisting - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 71
Secret: The Advantage of Waiting - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 87
Spine Waves -- sensuous spinal undulations - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 89
Introduction: Freeing Your Pelvis - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 91
Practice: Spine Waves - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 93
Secret: Attention - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 117
Learning the Grind of the Bump and Grind -- putting it all together - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 119
Introduction: The Grind of the Bump and Grind - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 121
Practice: Learning the Grind of the Bump and Grind - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 123
Secret: The Subtle Touch - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 127
Freedom to Spread Your Legs -- sometimes, you must close before you can open wide - 129
Introduction: Freedom to Spread Your Legs - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 131
Practice: Freedom to Spread Your Legs - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 133
Secret: The Transcendent Kiss - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 139
Freeing Your Groin -- for pushing together - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 143
Introduction: Your Low Back -- Hidden Connection to Your Groin - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 145
Practice: Freeing Your Groin - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 147
Practice: Freeing Your Groin -- II - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 156
Secret: Boundaries - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 165

Presenting Your Chest and Pelvis -- full body contact - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 167


Introduction:
Presenting Your Chest: The Head-and-Shoulder Tripod - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 169
Presenting Your Pelvis: Learning How to Move Your Pelvis Better - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 170
Practice: Presenting Your Chest - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 172
Practice: Presenting Your Pelvis - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 179
Secret: The Enticement of Teasing - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 183
The Pelvic Power Thrust -- you mean it - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 185
Introduction: The Pelvic Power Thrust - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 187
Practice: The Pelvic Power Thrust - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 189
Secret: The Art of Rhythm - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 198

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DISCLAIMER
Nothing in this program should be
construed to diagnose or treat any medical
condition. If you have a medical condition,
including high blood pressure, vascular disease,
or history of stroke, or are concerned that you
may have a medical condition, consult a
physician and show him or her this program and
get approval before beginning the program.
The procedures given in this program are
inherently natural and safe. Done properly, these
movements improve suppleness and control of
movement. Occasionally, soreness may result for
a day or two after doing them. Such soreness is
normal. However, if your soreness persists for
more than 24-36 hours, stop doing this program
and consult your physician.
Since the author cannot be present to
supervise you, you and he must rely upon your
good judgment and intelligent application of the
instructions found herein. In undertaking this
program, you assume all risk of injury that may
result from failure to follow the instructions correctly or from inappropriate use of this program.

Welcome in!
About This Book
This workbook contains the same material as is found in the program on
audio CD and supports that program with illustrations. The audio program is
the primary instructional source, although this book can be used without it.
What Does This Program Do?
This program teaches sensuality, which consists of five powers of
sexual enjoyment -- control of orgasm, breathing, feeling-attention, skillful
movement, and suppleness.
As you improve these powers, you enhance your stamina, sexual
mastery, and sexual feeling. The more you feel, the more sensual you
become.
The Orgasm Muscles
The pleasurable sensations of orgasm partially come from the
muscles that pulsate at the floor of the pelvis. These muscles hold part of the
key for building up the excitement charge that people experience as orgasm;
the greater the charge, the stronger the orgasm.
There are two aspects to the orgasm muscles: how well you control
their movement and how well you feel them.
Of course, there is much more to the excitement of sex than the control
of muscles, but that control is a gateway to the buildup of feeling that
replaces mind and ego with bliss and thrills that wash through you in ecstasy.
Breathing
To breathe well makes all the difference in building up to strong
orgasms. It also makes possible controlling the time of orgasm and for creating orgasm waves -- those crests of intensity that take you to the edge every
time, but no further, until youre ready.

Welcome to the Program

Feeling-Attention
There is mental attention and there is feeling-attention.
Mental attention thinks; feeling-attention feels. Mental attention
decides; feeling attention experiences. Mental attention is of the mind; feeling-attention is of the body. Mental attention concerns inself with before or
with later; feeling-attention concerns itself with now.
This program uses mental attention to get you to do things that
enhance your feeling-attention. The instructions appeal to your mental attention; the sensations appeal to your feeling-attention.
To develop more feeling-attention is the key to the advanced lovemaking secrets.
Control of Movement and Suppleness
Control of the movements that give you and your partner pleasure
depends upon suppleness -- flexibility and smooth control of movements.
What to Expect
Generally, you may expect to improve your flexibility, strength, intensity
of pleasure prior to orgasm, control of orgasm, quality of orgasm, and your
ability to please your partner through your movements. As an added bonus,
your energy for movement in general is likely to increase.
Your first experiments with these somatic exercises will probably show
you your lack of control. Thats good; it means you have room to improve. As
you do these movements, you may find, at times, that what you think you are
doing and what you are actually doing are a bit different! Notice both what
you mean to do and what you are actually doing. Its not enough to mean to
do the movements; you need actually to do the movements as described.
With practice, you will find you can do the movements more exactly as
described, feel them more clearly, and get quicker improvements.

Deeper Lovemaking

Always regulate your effort to be within your comfort zone. Never force
movements, as you cant get their benefits by doing so. The most common
mistake people make is to use too much effort, which sometimes leads to
cramping. If you get a cramp, use less effort and lend more attention to what
you are feeling. Soon, you will no longer tend to cramp, even at stronger levels of effort, and youll get more movement with less effort (feel stronger).
Work within your range of easy movement and you will find that that range of
movement increases by itself.
The Origins of the Somatic Exercises
Though these somatic exercises are new, their underlying principles are
similar to those of yoga, dating back thousands of years. The word, yoga,
means union; the somatic developmental exercises improve your sense of
the union of your body and mind; your body will be able better to do what
your mind intends you to do. Then, your experience of union with your partner
will also improve.
The Kama Sutra is perhaps the most famous of the ancient yogic texts
of sexual prowess. In it many techniques and positions are described.
Unfortunately, for many people, they lack the flexibility to do what the Kama
Sutra describes. This book fixes that problem.
More recent developments in the body-mind field known as
somatics or somatic education have contributed to what is found here.
Three researchers stand out as as contributors: F. Mathhias Alexander (developer of The Alexander Technique), Moshe Feldenkrais (developer of
Feldenkrais Functional Integration), and Thomas Hanna (developer of Hanna
Somatic Education).
Each researcher developed ways to improve self-awareness and
freedom of movement - intentions originally found in ancient yoga. What I
learned from Thomas Hanna and others, coupled with my own discoveries,
has led to this book.

Welcome to the Program

The somatic exercises enhance your performance by teaching you to


put your intention where your attention is and your attention where your
intention is. Think about it. Isnt that what a great lover does?

Deeper Lovemaking

How Best to Learn the Somatic Exercises


Spend about a week with each of the exercises. Learn them. Its o.k. to
sample the later exercises if youre curious, but for learning purposes, stick to
one exercise at a time.
Audio-recordings of the exercises will help the learning process of those
who learn best by hearing.
The meaning of the instructions becomes clearer with experience.
Always do them in an exploratory way. There is an unsuspected depth in you,
and the more you do the movements, the more you will discover. These exercises are more than they may seem to be.
To get the most benefit from an exercise, go slowly enough to sense the
movement as you do it, using just enough effort to sense the movement, and
using only the muscles needed to accomplish each movement. That way,
you will continually uncover patterns of tension you have held without awareness and be able to release them into a greater control and freedom. Practically speaking, the first time you do a movement, you are likely to need more
effort to sense muscles than you will with subsequent repetitions. Use as much
effort as needed to get a sensation (within your comfort zone), then decrease
the amount of effort as your ability to feel muscles awakens. Soon, you will be
able to distinguish the muscles that are essential to the movement and to use
only those.
To repeat, as you start a movement in an exercise
Notice the first sensation of effort as you move from rest into action.
During the contraction phase of a movement, hold the contraction
long enough for the feeling of the contraction to surface and
become plain. During the relaxation phase, relax slowly; the relaxation phase, done slowly, produces significant improvements in muscular control.

Welcome to the Program

As you end a movement, notice the last sensation of effort as it


disappears into rest.
Always relax completely between repetitions of a movement. Allow
time.
The earlier sessions prepare you for those that come later. To start, do
one new session several times within a week until its very familiar to you. After
youve done all the sessions, you may start over, review the ones you like best,
or master those in which you know you can improve. You will probably find it
beneficial to spend five minutes a day reviewing the exercises in the order in
which they appear, here. You may be surprised at the new improvements
you get with each pass through.
If an exercise seems too difficult or feels painful, go more slowly and
more gently. If you havent spent enough time with an earlier exercise, you
may need to go back to an earlier session to prepare yourself better.
The somatic exercises often have several parts, which you add together
for greater potency. The simplest steps of the movement are numbered.
More advanced additions to movements appear as follows:
location of
sensation

direction of
movement
angle
indicator
location of
sensation
(underside)

1. (main instruction,
basic level)
2nd level additional
movement cue
(intermediate level)

3rd level additional

movement cue
(more advanced level)

Deeper Lovemaking

Adding the more advanced parts makes an exercise more potent, provided you are doing the basic part correctly. For that reason, it is necessary to
rehearse the basic part until you can do it easily, before adding the more
advanced parts.
After you have learned the movements of a session, refer to this guidebook to refresh your memory of the finer nuances of the movements, which
boost their effectiveness.
Significant results come relatively quickly from doing the somatic exercises. Make them part of your daily regimen. Enjoy a growing mastery of your
own physical (and mental) processes in the sexual act.

Welcome to the Program

Potent Tips
The Feeling is the Thing
Unlike most systems of exercise, the essence of the somatic exercises is
the sensations they produce, particularly during the slow relaxation phase of
each exercise. The deeper changes occur during the relaxation phase.
Why Gently?
Going gently calls for you to develop more care and awareness of
what you are doing. So going gently is not being lazy, nor is it a sign that you
are weak. It is a way of operating more carefully and attentively, and it is particularly valuable when confronting a challenge. It is a way of working
smarter, not harder.
In the sexual act, going gently sets the threshold of sensation at a low
level. That means that sensitivity is increased.
How to Get Supple
A major cause of stiffness is tight muscles. Seeking a way out of stiffness,
many people stretch. However, a more effective approach is available.
Concerns with stretching muscles point to one key observation: muscles get shortened.
The key question is, Why?
The nervous system controls the muscular system. Muscles have no
control of their own. The obvious conclusion to draw is that muscles get shortened because the nervous system is stimulating them to contract.
That being the case, how can someones being stretched (or adjusted
or massaged) by someone else possibly change the persons way of controlling their own muscles? How can a person internalize the change merely by
being manipulated from outside? To internalize a change requires learning
(to do for oneself), the need for which is neither recognized nor intended

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Deeper Lovemaking

when being stretched by another. The changes that result from stretching are
therefore generally unpredictable, unstable, and short-lived.
As a result, people return, by tendency, to the level of tension (or shortening) they experience habitually.
Athletes and dancers attempt to stretch their hamstrings (along the
backs of the thighs), for example, to avoid injury. Attempt is the correct
word because stretching produces only limited and temporary effects, which
is one reason why so many athletes (and dancers) suffer pulled hamstrings
and knee problems.
Clearly, whatever benefits stretching confers, it has some significant
drawbacks.
As anyone who has had someone stretch their hamstrings (or any other
muscle) knows, forcible stretching is usually a painful ordeal. Because muscles
cannot relax and lengthen beyond what the conditioned postural reflexes
permit, attempts to stretch muscles work against those reflexes. Someone
stretches their muscles. The muscles resist. It hurts. Afterwards, the muscles
feel weaker. So they tighten up, again. This return of muscular tension (controlled by conditioned postural reflexes) makes repeated stretching necessary.
Fortunately, there is a way out of this situation, another way to deal with
muscular tension than by stretching. To understand how it works, we must first
start with the recognition that muscles that need stretching are usually holding
tension -- that is, they are actively contracting. The person is holding them
tense by habit, usually involuntarily and without awareness.
Oddly enough, if you try to relax muscles that are habitually tight, using
an act of will, you are likely to find that your ability to do so is limited; you cannot relax past a certain point, even with special breathing, visualization, or
other non-learning based techniques.
At that point, you may assume that those muscles are completely
relaxed and need stretching. You may not recognize that you are contract-

Welcome to the Program

11

ing on automatic due to postural habits stored in your brain.


Any attempt to stretch them simply re-triggers the impulse to re-contract them to restore the sense of what is familiar. That is why muscles
tighten up again so soon after stretching or massage.
What Works Better
... is to shift the tension-set-point, the tension-level youre used to. To
change the set-point requires more than stretching or massaging; it requires a
learning process that affects the brain, which controls the muscular system.
Such a learning process is referred to in some circles as somatic training.
Somatic training enhances your ability to feel your body from within; the brain
wakes up and its ability to control muscular tension, relaxation, and coordination is enhanced.

Always work within your comfort zone: the degree of


sensation you can experience without fear or cringing.
Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel a sensation
and reduce to the least effort you can feel.
Learn the parts of multi-part movements, put them
together, and coordinate all the parts so they begin and
end together.
Be sure to relax completely between repetitions.
To repeat, be sure to relax completely between
repetitions.

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Deeper Lovemaking

How It Works
By deliberately contracting already-contracted muscles, using patterns
of movement that duplicate the habitual tension pattern, these exercises
send a strong sensory signal to the brain, a signal that wakes up (or refreshes)
the related nerve pathways. By releasing the contraction in slow motion, you
re-awaken your brains ability to control the amount of muscular tension.
Slow motion gives a clearer and more complete body image and is the
key to developmental exercises and to any other learning process where
details make a difference.
Significant results come relatively quickly from doing movement exercises, and when they do, the benefits are durable, feel second-nature, and
require no special attention during ordinary activities.
To avoid accumulating tension from stress responses in daily life -- or
from repetitive use of certain movement patterns -- it is good to include a few
minutes of these exercises in your daily health regimen. Continuing to do
them produces cumulative improvements. With the looseness that develops,
you are likely to develop a preference for these freeing movement exercises
over stretching.

To change your set-point requires something different than


stretching or massaging -- that you improve your muscular
control, This program causes that kind of improvement.

Welcome to the Program

13

All of the exercises in this book consist of a contraction phase and a


slow relaxation phase. As you do these exercises,

Contract your muscles slowly enough to feel the first


sensation of effort.
Let the sensation of effort set in before you go into the
relaxation phase.
Relax slowly enough to feel the effort smoothly
decreasing.
Keep your attention at the place where you first felt the
sensation of effort as you go through the movement, from
contraction to relaxation.

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Deeper Lovemaking

A Final Word Before Getting Started


You should know that there is a possibility of some soreness appearing
once you have started working with the exercises. Dont worry. Soreness is a
normal, but temporary, outcome for a certain percentage of people. It
passes by itself in a day or so. If you do get sore, give yourself a rest for a day,
then continue practicing that exercise sequence.
I present these exercises in a specific sequence; each exercise builds
upon the gains produced by those that came before. Dont be hasty in progressing from one exercise to the next; be thorough and patient. You need
the results from the earlier exercises to get the best results from the later exercises.
You may wish to have a partner read the instructions to you. Having
the instructions read to you helps you to go more deeply into the sensations
these exercises produce. To record onto audiotape may seem an attractive
option for some. Understand that with these exercises, timing is all-important,
and there is an art to producing pre-recorded verbal instruction in such a way
that the instructions dont interfere with your timing. If you want to try recording the instructions, go slowly enough to allow yourself to feel the muscular
efforts involved. However, to have someone read the instructions aloud is
generally better.

Welcome to the Program

15

How Often to Do the Exercises


Do the exercises daily -- in the morning or in the evening: before dinner,
after dinner, or just before going to bed. That way, you set the tone for your
day and for your night. Set up a place where you will be undisturbed and lay
out a mat or blanket on the floor to make a softer surface. A bed is often too
soft a surface to get the quality of sensation needed for these exercises to be
most effective.
The hardest part of this program will probably be to get started. So,
begin the program immediately by reading Preparatory Learning. Then do
the exercise. It will take you about five minutes.
As a general guideline, spend at least one week with one exercise,
done thoroughly many times until you get a clearly discernable result, before
moving on. These exercises have a depth that is not achieved in one or two
performances. More performance brings more results; there is an unsuspected depth in these exercises and in you.

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Deeper Lovemaking

The Special Use of Language for Learning Somatic Exercises


In the instructions, certain terms have specific meanings. I define these
terms, below. To understand them once is sufficient -- no need to memorize - so take your time to understand and internalize them so you know what they
mean when they show up in the instructions.
up = away from the ground, against gravity
down = toward the ground, giving in to gravity
out = away from the center of your body
in = toward the center of your body
forward = toward your front
backward = toward your back
underside = the side on which you are lying or sitting
topside = your uppermost side in relation to the Earth
slowly = slowly enough to feel your movement continuously as you
move
gently = in a comfortable, leisurely manner
hold = to maintain and steady an effort
smoothly = without sudden movements, jerkiness, or loss of control
where the movement comes from = as you move, the
location of the most vivid sensation of muscular contraction, as
revealed by the sense of effort.
push = to exert a force away from you
pull = to draw something toward you
Pause in place = Stop moving and stay in position.
Feel whats working. = Feel which muscles are working by the sense of
effort.
Balance = easy poise between two or more positions or sensations
Equalize = bring to a condition of balance

Welcome to the Program

17

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Deeper Lovemaking

Preparatory Learning
STARTING POSITION:

lying on your back


knees up, legs balanced
(upright) leaning neither in
nor out
arms loosely at your sides

1.

Bring your attention


to your breathing.

2.

Bring your attention


to your throat
behind your nose.
The location is not in your
nose or in your nostrils, but
in your throat above your
soft palattucke.

Welcome to the Program

19

3.

Feel your throat


(behind your nose)
cool with inhalation,
warm with
exhalation.
You have located the
place where your head
rests upon your topmost
neck vertebra, on the
inside. In the following
exercises, this place is
called, the place behind
your nose.

20

4. Gently press the


back of your head
down onto the
surface, and hold
(maintain) the
effort.

Deeper Lovemaking

shape marks location


of sensation

5. While holding,
slowly tilt your
head back (chin
up) and feel
where the tension
goes, in your neck.
Pay special attention to
the place behind your
nose.

6. Still holding, slowly


tip your head
forward (chin in
toward your
throat) and feel
where the tension
goes.
Notice that the place
behind your nose opens
up, then closes down as
you continue to tuck your
chin toward your throat.

Welcome to the Program

21

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

7. Still holding, tip


your head back
and forward to
find the position
where the place
behind your nose
feels most open.
That is your working
position for all cases
where the instructions
state, Feel the place
behind your nose.

22

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Special Technique: Muscle Equalization


Why Equalize Muscular Efforts?
The procedures that follow have a very interesting feature:
they involve equalizing the tension and sensation of muscles in two or more
areas at once.
Why equalize tensions? It unlocks habit patterns.
A very odd thing happens when muscle groups that ordinarily work
together get conditioned to maintain unequal degrees of tension. They get
stuck in unequal degrees of tension! Its as if the front wheels of a four-wheel
drive vehicle were turning harder than the rear wheels. Take your foot off the
accelerator pedal (reduce effort), they both slow down, but the front is still
turning harder than the rear (only slower), and the strain on the transmission
remains.
Its a stuck situation.
The solution is to link the two groups together in a single
action and to bring them to comparable levels of tension
and sensation.
THE EQUALIZE ICON

Welcome to the Program

Thats what the following coordination patterns do.

23

24

Deeper Lovemaking

Secret: The Whole-Body Yawn


Yawning is relaxing -- but its not an attempt to relax.
Next time you yawn, notice whats happening. Youre not relaxing the
muscles of your mouth and neck; youre tightening them! Its afterward that
you experience relaxation.
This is an important clue. You are experiencing a basic way we operate. To relax, we must be reminded of the difference between tension and
relaxation. We must feel the difference. Yawning does that.
Orgasm is, in a certain sense, like the whole-body yawn; it begins with a
build-up of tension and ends with release of tension that leaves you more
relaxed than before and with a similar feeling of well-being.
The process of tension/relaxation is applied systematically to the whole
body in the movement maneuvers found in this program. They involve very
much the same quality of tension and relaxation as yawning and orgasm do
and they produce a similar result: relaxation and a feeling of well-being.
To do movements for the feeling they produce is the key to this
program. There is a feeling to the patterns of contraction featured here. The
changes that are the goal of this program occur, however, during the
relaxation phase of these movements; the contraction is the set-up for the
relaxation. Take your time to feel both the contraction and relaxation phases.
If you move too quickly, you decrease your ability to feel the new feelings and
you lose the benefit of the exercises, so relax slowly.

Deeper Lovemaking

25

26

Deeper Lovemaking

Control of Orgasm
DRINKING THE NECTAR

27

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28

Deeper Lovemaking

Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your


effort and, with each repetition, start with the least
effort you can feel. Work toward gentle, an easy,
leisurely feel.
Go slowly enough to feel tension increase or
decrease.
Be sure to relax completely between repetitions.
To repeat, be sure to relax completely between
repetitions.

THE FEEL ICON

The Orgasm Muscles

THE EQUALIZE ICON

29

Control of Orgasm
Lets get straight to the point.
Control of orgasm is basic to your ability to get
the most out of sex and to create an exceptional
experience for your partner.
To control orgasm, you must be able to ride your
waves of pleasure and to absorb them, and to decide
when to go for it and let them overwhelm you. In
particular, that means you must be able to contract
and relax the muscles of orgasm at the floor of your
pelvis to control orgasm. You must also be able to
control your breathing to use it to regulate the intensity of the pleasure waves and to spread them all over
your body.
The very act of learning to control the tensions of
orgasm will also improve your ability to ride the wave
of sensation that carries you to orgasm.
In the ancient yogic literature, there is an energy
channel described which runs from the genitals to the
spine. Peak sexual experiences occur when you get
the excess of sexual sensation to disperse into that
channel instead to out of the body in orgasm. Control
of sexual energy is the key to controlling orgasm. And
control of the tensions of orgasm and of breath is the
key to controlling the flow of sexual energy.
Recognizing that some people find the concept
of energy suspect or meaningless, let me describe it
in another way: as sensation.
Sensation is what is meant by energy -- and for
good reason: all of our senses perceive changes in
energy: light energy, vibration, heat, pressure, etc.
Sensation is our experience of energy.

30

Deeper Lovemaking

That cleared up, lets take on the most pleasurable project of controlling sexual energy.
The ordinary experience of sex involves stimulation, pleasurable sensation, and the build-up of the
sense of sexual energy -- a sexual charge -- that ends
in a cataclysm of pleasure. Ordinarily, people build
up that charge as quickly as possible to get to orgasm
as quickly as possible. This is the regrettable example
provided to us by most pornography. It leads to premature loss of control and decreased pleasure.
The example of pornography leads to an inferior
sexual experience that looks better than it feels.
Instead, learn to build slowly and with feeling.
Building more slowly enables you to develop and hold
a greater charge of sexual energy.
To the degree that you have control over that
charge, you can delay orgasm while enjoying its
growing charge. Truly overwhelming orgasms are
possible.
The muscles of orgasm are the key to delaying
orgasm and building a charge (for men); toning the
muscles of orgasm is the key to increasing sensation
and building a charge (for women).
As charge builds up, you naturally feel a hotprickly-juicy wave of sensation in your sex zones.
For men, as you come close to cresting, squeeze
and relax your orgasm muscles, as if swallowing with
them. Relax completely between pulses. Stop moving, if necessary, to be able to absorb the sensations
faster than they build. Youll feel the juicy sensation
move back from your genital area and deeply into
your pelvic cavity, then up your spine. Your whole spinal alignment will change with each wave. Your con-

The Orgasm Muscles

31

trol will increase and youll be ready to build another


wave of pleasure.
For women, as you come close to cresting, feel
everything, breath it all in, and relax. Try the orgasmic swallowing technique. Do that every time you
come close. The intensity of your final orgasm will multiply.
If you have good control, you will be able to
absorb orgasms many times during a single sexual
occasion. By relaxing the tensions of orgasm and
breathing fully, you will also be able to project the
force of sexual sensation toward and into your partner
-- particularly if you are giving him or her your full
attention at that moment. The act of projecting the
sexual sensation into your partner will also help you to
stay in control of your own waves of sensation.
The following exercise, a more sophisticated
development of the Kegel Exercise taught by many
sex therapists, is the first step toward that most enjoyable experience.

32

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

The Cadenced Breathing


In this exercise:
You inhale fully and exhale fully.
You contract your orgasm muscles fully
and relax them fully.
You coordinate the movements of your
orgasm muscles with your breathing.
You steady your attention for a moment
(observe a moment of silence) before
switching from inhalation to exhalation
and from exhalation to inhalation.
You are developing freedom and control,
plus the ability to give yourself rushes of sensation
that add to the pleasurable results of these exercises.

improving the control of your attention, breath, and


movement

The Orgasm Musles

33

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

NOTE: Start this movement slowly


and build up speed as you go.
If you get lightheaded, rest for a
few seconds and go more slowly.
STARTING POSITION:
lying on your back
legs outstretched and slightly
separated
arms loosely at your sides
NOTE: Empty your bladder and
bowel before doing this lesson.

1. Take a slow, deep breath


and pause.
2. Slowly exhale and pause.

34

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Notice that you can hear your


breath.
The idea is to pause long enough to
hear a moment of silence between
inhalation and exhalation and
between exhalation and inhalation.
Do that now.

3. Slowly inhale fully, listening to


the sound of your breath.
4. Pause for long enough to
hear a moment of silence.
5. Slowly exhale all the way
empty, listening to the sound
of your breath.
6. Pause for long enough to
hear a moment of silence.
Repeat a few times until you smooth your breathing out. Youve
just learned the pace of breathing we use for this entire exercise.

The Orgasm Musles

35

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, we add something: control of your orgasm


muscles.
The muscles you use to control urination and
bowel movements are the same muscles
involved in the pleasurable pulsating, squeezing
spasms of orgasm.
First, practice gaining some control of these
muscles.

Locate the these muscles by contracting


and relaxing them.

1. Tighten them slowly.


2. Relax them very slowly and
smoothly.
Slowly and strongly is better than
quickly and strongly.

3. Slowly tighten your orgasm


muscles to full contraction
and hold.
Steady the grip of holding until the
involuntary tendency to relax them
subsides. Steadiness is strength.

36

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

2nd level Contract the soles of

your feet (make fists of your feet).

4. Relax all efforts slowly and


smoothly.
Continue until you have improved the smoothness of control
and strength you have in those muscles.

The Orgasm Musles

37

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, lets add the breathing.

1. Slowly inhale and pause, as


before. Hear the silence.
2. As you slowly exhale, slowly
contract the sphincter
muscles.
Synchronize the contraction of your
orgasm muscles with your exhalation
so you are fully contracted when you
are fully exhaled.

3. Pause for a moment. Hear


the silence.
4. Slowly inhale and release
your orgasm muscles at the
same speed as your
inhalation.
When you have fully inhaled, your
orgasm muscles are fully relaxed.
Repeat this synchronized action until you have smooth control -- or
at least some improvement for this practice session.

38

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, we add a special breathing


process.

1. Do a series of six synchronized


breathings with the orgasm
muscles. At the end of the
sixth, hold your breath.
2. Contract your orgasm
muscles.
2nd level Contract the soles of
your feet (make fists of your feet).

3. Swallow.
Feel the wave of swallowing go down
to your stomach.

The Orgasm Musles

39

4. As soon as you feel the wave


reach your stomach, slowly
relax your belly, orgasm
muscles, feet.
You may get a rush of energy that
softens you up -- or that blasts you out
of your mind. Relax into it and enjoy
it.

5. Exhale slowly.
As you practice working with your
orgasm muscles, you will notice
heightened energy and mental
clarity.
Repeat as many times as you are comfortable doing this
maneuver.

40

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Secret: The Whole-Body Orgasm


If you reach orgasm too quickly, men, you
are likely to experience it in your genital area,
only. Thats a weak orgasm. The whole-body
orgasm is better.
Whenever you feel yourself approaching
the edge of orgasm, stop moving, exhale,
contract and squeeze your orgasm muscles, then
inhale and slowly relax them. Use your breathing
to draw the pleasurable sensations of pre-orgasm
out of your genitals and to expand them
throughout your whole body. Relax your genitals,
and you may feel the pleasurable sensations as a
force that pushes explosively out of your genitals,
but (for males) without ejaculation.
After enough repetitions, you will find that
your tendency to orgasm has abated, at which
point you can increase the pleasure waves so
that they pervade your whole body, so that you
feel tingles and trembling of excitement, throughout. Then, you can go for orgasm when you and
your partner are ready.
One of the keys to whole-body orgasm,
and one over which you dont really have control, is to love your partner. That means you take
pleasure in feeling him or her in all of his or her
parts. That love truly intensifies the passion you
can experience, for the more you love feeling
your partner, the more you feel. Thats why lovemaking is more than sex. Its also a good reason
to handle upsets in your relationship promptly.

The Orgasm Musles

41

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

42

Deeper Lovemaking

Wriggling
HOW TO DO THE DANCE

43

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44

Deeper Lovemaking

Wriggling
By now, youve gained some control over
orgasm. To gain further control, it helps to be able
to control your pelvic movements better.
Heres where things get more interesting.
Obviously, the sensations of intercourse come in
large part from contact. Not so obviously,
straight forward and backward motions dont do
much to maximize contact, but side-to-side
motions do.

Lengthening Your Sides


The gyrating, side-to-side, round-and-round
sexual motion that gives women such pleasure
depends upon freedom to lengthen your sides,
which, in turn, requires freedom of the muscles at
the sides of your waist.
When a woman does this motion in synchronization with a man, it enables him to give her
amazing sensations without driving him to orgasm
sooner than they would like.
The combination of forward and backward
motions with side-to-side motions produces a
churning effect most enjoyable to women -whether the motion is done by the man or the
woman. This churning motion is known by
another name: bump and grind.
Learn and practice this element of bump
and grind here.

Wriggling

45

Begin with the amount of effort needed to


feel your effort and, with each repetition,
start with the least effort you can feel. Work
toward gentle.
Notice the first place that tightens. You may
need to contract and relax a number of times
to feel it. Feel there continuously through the
movement.

THE FEEL ICON

46

THE EQUALIZE ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Wriggling
In this movement:

You place as much emphasis on lengthening one side as you do on


contracting the other side.

You coordinate the movements of your pelvis with those of your


shoulders.

You are developing freedom of movement in both directions.

NOTE: Use less than full strength; move in an easygoing way. Use the
minimum effort necessary to get a sensation and reduce the amount of
effort with each repetition.
If you cramp, use less effort and go more slowly.

Wriggling

47

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

STARTING POSITION:

lying on your back, face


turned to one side
the arm of that side by
your side, palm up
the hand of the other
side turned palm-up,
elbow down on the
surface. Slide your hand
as close to the top of
your head as you can
with your elbow down.
the bent-elbow-side leg
straight
the other leg bent, knee
dropped to the side. The
sole of the foot touches
the side of the other
knee.
If necessary for comfort
in your groin, place a
pillow under your knee.

Equalize the tensions of all movements being done at


once. Exhale as you contract/tighten. Inhale as you
relax.
48

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention


to the straight leg.

2.

Turn the foot toes-up


toward the ceiling.
Visually check foot position
and adjust.

3.

Reach long with


that leg.
Feel your waist on the
opposite side contract.
Look there with your minds
eye (imagine you are
looking there).

If you cant feel the


opposite side of your waist
contract, place your hand
firmly against your hip as you
reach with the leg.

4.

Slowly relax
completely.

NO EFFORT

Repeat a few times until you feel where your waist tightens. Then,
continue to the next step.
Wriggling

49

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention


to the shoulder
opposite the straight
leg.
Youre looking over that
shoulder.

2.

Pull the underarm


toward your waist,
where you felt it
tighten.
Cause your waist to tighten
in the same place. Look
there in your minds eye.
You may notice that to
move your shoulder causes
you to lengthen your leg.
Let it be so.

3.

Slowly relax.

NO EFFORT

Rehearse at least three (3) times until you feel the action at your
waist.

50

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, we combine the two


actions.

1.

Reach with the


straight leg and
hold.
Toes/foot upward. Feel it in
your groin. Look there in
your minds eye.

2.

Pull the opposite


underarm toward
your waist and hold.

3.

Balance the
two actions by
equalizing efforts.

4.

Slowly relax
completely.

NO EFFORT

Repeat a few times at decreasing levels of effort.

Wriggling

51

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Reach with the


straight-leg side and
hold.
Toes/foot up. Feel your
waist contract on the
opposite side. Look there in
your minds eye.

2.

Gently tug the bent


knee to the side and
hold, using hip joint
muscles.
Feel it near your hip joint.
Look there in your minds
eye.

3.

Equalize the
two efforts.

4.

Slowly relax.
Focus on the feeling of
muscles relaxing.

NO EFFORT

Repeat the action at least three (3) times at decreasing levels of


effort.
52

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, we combine the


three actions.

1.

Reach with the


straight leg side and
hold.
toes up

Wriggling

2.

Pull the same side


underarm toward
the tight spot in your
waist and hold.

3.

Gently tug the bent


knee to the side and
hold.
Feel the action in your groin.
Look there in your minds
eye.

53

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Pull the same side


underarm toward
the tight place in
your groin and hold.
Feel your abdominal
muscles contract on one
side.

5.

Exhale.
Feel your abdominal
muscles contract more.

6.

Equalize all
efforts.

7.

Slowly relax.

NO EFFORT

Repeat the action at least three (3) times at decreasing levels of


effort.

54

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Bring your attention to


your straight arm.

1.

Pull your underarm


toward your waist
and hold.
Feel how much sensation
there is.

2.

Squeeze the elbow


of that side toward
your spine.
Feel it in your spine and the
back edge of your armpit.
Look there in your minds
eye.

3.

Shrug the other


shoulder and hold.
Cause that hand to creep
about 1/4 toward the
opposite side.

Wriggling

55

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Balance the
two efforts.
Feel your whole torso shift.

5.

Slowly relax.
Focus on the feeling of
muscles relaxing.

NO EFFORT

Repeat at least three times at decreasing levels of effort.

56

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Place your attention


on the bent-elbow
shoulder.

2.

Shrug that shoulder


toward your neck
and hold.
Feel at the top of your
shoulder and base of neck.
Look there in your minds
eye.

Wriggling

3.

Reach with the


same-side leg and
hold.
Feel that side elongate.
Feel the other-side waist
contract. Look there in your
minds eye.

57

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Equalize the
two efforts.

5.

Slowly relax
completely.

NO EFFORT

Repeat a few times until you feel what the action does to the
position of your torso.

58

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Feel the opposite-side waist


contract. Look there in your
minds eye.

2.

Gently pull the


palm-up underarm
toward your tight
waist and hold.

3.

Equalize the
efforts.

4.

Gently tug the bent


knee to the side and
hold.

Gently reach with


the straight leg and
hold.

Wriggling

59

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Gently pull the


palm-up underarm
toward the tight
place in your groin,
and hold.

6.

Gently dig the same


side elbow toward
your spine and hold.

7.

Gently shrug the


other shoulder and
hold.

2nd level Tighten your


neck toward your
shrugged shoulder.

60

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

8.

Equalize the
shrug and
elbow-dig.
Feel how all actions combine to flex you to the side -a half-wiggle.

9.

Exhale and hold.


Feel your front and side
contract.

10. Take a deep breath


and hold.
2nd level Do a set of
cadenced breathing.

Wriggling

61

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

11. Relax your chest; go


soft. Keep the
breath in.

12. Exhale and relax all


efforts together.
NO EFFORT

Repeat the preceding movement a few times until you have


more of a feel for how all the actions combine.
Straighten out and compare your right side to your left side.
Notice where they feel different from each other.
Then, switch sides and repeat the entire sequence for the
opposite side.
Finally, lie on your back and practice wiggling side-to-side.
MORE ADVANCED OPTION:
Alternate sides. Start slowly with
one repetition for one side, then
switch sides for one repetition.
Equalize the efforts of your two
sides.

62

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Advanced addition for alleviating


neck tension:
At the step where all four
extremities are involved...

Wriggling

1.

Tilt your head back


to tighten the
muscles of the back
of your neck, and
hold.

2.

Turn your face to the


side until you feel a
lock (or restriction
to turning) in your
neck. Stay there
and feel the lock.

3.

Take a deep breath


and hold.

4.

Relax your chest; go


soft.

63

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Relax your neck.

6.

Relax all other


efforts.

7.

Exhale.

NO EFFORT

64

Deeper Lovemaking

Secret: Pacing Yourself


Doing things at the usual speed, we tend to do them in the usual way.
One point of these exercises is to teach yourself to do something in a
new way: to change how create your experience of love and sex.
You may have noticed that you cant see much detail in things that
move quickly; its much easier to see the details of things that go slowly.
The same is true of lovemaking and sex.
The slower you go, the more time you have to experience. As you slow
down and feel the sensations of movement, you feel more and move more
sensuously.
Slowing down is a basic key to enhancing pleasure.
As you do the exercises slowly, you may even discover that you are
holding tension that directly interferes with the movement you are doing. At
that point, you can release the interfering tension. As you do, you will notice
your movement getting smoother, feeling more elegant and under your
control.
That, of course, also applies to sex.
So, as you do these movemetns, go slower with each repetition,
maintaining smooth control of movement, then vary your speed for maximum pleasure
At the beginning of this explanation were the words, One point of
these exercises is to teach yourself to do something in a new way: to change
how you move and feel. These words are, at this moment, an abstract
generality to you; they dont have much meaning. Their meaning will be
obvious once you experience results from the somatic exercises.
Heres another set of words that will have meaning once you start the
movement exercises: INTEND, ALLOW, DO.

Deeper Lovemaking

65

That means, Know exactly what you INTEND to do, get the distinct feeling of ALLOWING yourself to do it (relax into doing it), and then, DO it.

66

Deeper Lovemaking

Twisting
FOR SEX IN FOUR DIMENSIONS

67

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68

Deeper Lovemaking

Twisting

The twisting movement is a quintessential human


movement central to gyration, twisting side-to-side
movements involving your pelvis. This movement
originates at your waist and in your neck, aided by
movements of your extremities.
Whenyou have trouble twisting freely at your waist,
other muscles, such as those over your hip joints, must
overwork and tend to get tight over time. Such tightness
leads to stiffness of an undesirable kind.
Twisting movements are the icing on the cake in
sexual intercourse. The churning movement developed
by the exercises in the preceding sections is made into a
swirling movement -- again, much favored by women.
The following movement develops and coordinates
twisting movements at your waist and extremities.

Twisting

69

Begin with the amount of effort needed to


feel your effort and, with each repetition,
start with the least effort you can feel.
Work toward gentle.
Notice the first place that tightens. You may
need to contract and relax a number of times
to feel it. Feel there continuously through the
movement.
Go slowly enough to feel tension increase or
decrease. As you hold tension, let the sensation of effort set in before you go into the
relaxation phase.
Be sure to relax completely between
repetitions.

THE FEEL ICON

70

THE EQUALIZE ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Twisting

STARTING POSITION:

lying on your back, face


forward
the fingertips of one
hand touching your
neck behind your
earlobe
the other arm straight
with the hand resting on
your groin
The straight-arm side
knee bent and turned
out to the side. The sole
of the foot touches the
side of the other knee.
other leg straight, toes
up
If necessary for comfort
in your groin, place a
pillow under your knee.

Feel and reinforce the connection between the hip of


one side and the shoulder of the opposite side.

Twisting

71

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention


to your bent leg.

2.

Press the knee of


that leg down into
the surface.

Feel your buttock


contract.

2nd level Press the

edge of the bent-knee


foot into the surface.

3.

Slowly relax.

Slowly relax completely and rehearse the movement at least


three times until you can control the contraction of your buttock
more smoothly. Then, relax.

72

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention


to the bent-elbow
shoulder.

2.

Press your elbow


and shoulder
against the surface
and lift your chest
on that side.
Feel the muscles between
your shoulders contract,
particularly on that side.

2nd level Press the

back of the bentelbow hand into the


surface.

3.
NO EFFORT

Slowly relax.
Relax completely.

Repeat this pressing/releasing action at least three (3) times until


you can feel where the movement comes from and can do it
slowly and with confidence.

Twisting

73

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention


to your bent-leg
buttock.

2.

Contract and hold.


Feel how your pelvis shifts
position (twists).

3.

Bring your attention


to your bent-elbow
shoulder.

4.

Press it down
into the surface, lift
your chest and hold.

Notice how pulling your


shoulder down helps you
to contract your buttock
more strongly.

74

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Relax your buttock


and tighten your
shoulder. Switch
back and forth.
Notice how tightening
one affects the strength of
the other.
Notice now the
sensation moves up
and down your spine.

6.

Balance the
efforts of buttock
and shoulder.
Notice how the
sensation centers in
your back.

Twisting

75

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

2nd level

Press the

bent-knee foot and


bent-elbow hand and
balance the efforts.

Notice how the action


affects your spine.

7.

While holding
shoulder and
buttock tight, take a
deep breath and
hold it.
2nd level Contract

and relax your orgasm


muscles a few times.

8.

76

Slowly relax your


belly, chest, and
neck.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

9.

Slowly relax all


efforts.

10. Slowly exhale.


NO EFFORT

Rehearse the movement at least three (3) times until you get
better at it.

Twisting

77

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention


to the straight-arm
shoulder.

2.

By twisting your arm


elbow-out/back of
the hand in, cause
your shoulder to lift.

Notice that your chest


sinks on that side.
Feel the muscles at the
front of your chest and
abdomen contract.

2nd level

Tighten the
bent-knee buttock.
Feel how tightening
your buttock helps turn
your straight arm
inward.

78

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

3.

Exhale and hold.


Feel the effect on the
straight-arm side of your
torso.

4.
NO EFFORT

Slowly inhale and


relax all efforts to
come out of twist.

Rehearse the movement at least three (3) times until you get
better at it.

Twisting

79

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention


to your straight leg.

2.

Roll the knee of that


leg inward (e.g., left
kneecap points
right).
Keep your knee and ankle
straight.

2nd level Press the

bent-elbow shoulder
down.

Notice how your hip lifts


and leg turns farther.

2nd level Look over

the shoulder of the leg


youre turning.
Feel how looking there
affects your ability to
turn.

80

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

3.

Slowly relax.
Feel the last place in your
groin that relaxes.

NO EFFORT

Repeat slowly at least three (3) times, noticing the first place
in your groin that contracts and the last place that relaxes.
Notice if you get a little farther, each time, without extra effort.

Twisting

81

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Roll your straight-leg


knee inward and
hold.
2nd level Straighten
and stiffen the straight
leg.

2.

Twist your
straight arm inward,
so that you feel your
shoulder lift and pull
toward the tight
place in your groin,
and hold.
2nd level Lock your
straight arm and
straight leg straight.

82

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

NO EFFORT

3.

Take a deep breath


and exhale.

4.

Stay exhaled, and


slowly relax all other
efforts.

5.

Slowly inhale.

Rehearse this combination move involving your arm, shoulder


and breathing until you get better at it.

Twisting

83

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention


to the bent leg.

2.

Contract the
buttock and hold.

3.

Press down the


bent-arm shoulder,
and hold.

Feel the connection


between shoulder and
buttock across your back.

4.

84

Straight leg: roll the


knee inward and
hold.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Straight arm: twist


and pull the
shoulder toward
your groin.
You now feel a twist at
your waistline.

2nd level Lock your


straight arm and
straight leg straight.

6.

Balance the
efforts of all four
extremities by
comparing one to
the other.
Youll feel one diagonal
line of tension down your
back and another
diagonal line of tension
across your front. Equalize
them by balancing your
efforts.

Twisting

85

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

7.

Relax your neck.

8.

Take a full breath


and hold.
2nd level Contract

and relax your orgasm


muscles a few times.
Feel the inside of your
pelvis and low back
shift.

2nd level Do a set of


the cadenced
breathing.

9.

Relax all efforts while


holding your breath.

10. Slowly exhale.

NO EFFORT

Straighten out and compare your right side to your left side.
Notice where they feel different from and similar to each other.
Repeat the entire sequence for the opposite side.
86

Deeper Lovemaking

Secret: The Advantage of Waiting


Im not talking about abstinence.
Im talking about the artful use of suspense to enhance desire and
passion.
We all have some recognition that satisfaction deferred is sweetest
when fulfilled.
That principle applies as much to the art of seduction as it does to
orgasm.
Intensity needs time to build.
Men and women have opposite quandaries.
A man can become aroused quickly and reach climax quickly, but if
he does, his intensity is diminished and his partner is disappointed. If he cant
regulate his passion, he may have a problem of premature orgasm (or of premature love-confession -- another problem that leads to disappointment).
A woman takes much time to become aroused, so if she engages in sex
too soon, her intensity never has a chance to build. If lack of faith in love (or
desire) leads her to settle too soon for the wrong man (or to surrender too
soon to the right one), both he and she may be disappointed.
It is often to the benefit of both to slow things down.
The hard pounding extolled in pornography takes things in precisely the
wrong direction. It substitutes speed and force, a formula that fails in many
situations, for time and artful intent, the mode of seduction, itself.
As any artist knows, creation cannot be forced. It can, however, be
enticed with attention and a creative urge.
So it is with lovemaking. Patience, persistence, love and desire. Let it
build from the first moment of meeting. Men, dont spring for it as soon as possible; take your time and feel the intensity build. That means, come closer and

Deeper Lovemaking

87

wait until the pull to kiss is positively magnetic before going in; wait until desire
and anticipation are really strong before removing clothing; after each
advance, back off and wait a little. Let anticipation build, then go further,
then back off and wait until the intensity builds, some more. Women, dont
wait too long or you may drive your man insane with desire and lose him altogether. Learn to ride the edge.
There is a balance.
To feel when it is time, notice when you feel both the excitement of
passion and a sense of control. Ride the edge. Move forward until you feel
you are teasing the dragon, then take a step back. Allow the excitement
to build. When you can sustain it at will, build some more. Youll know when
you want to go for it.

88

Deeper Lovemaking

Spine Waves
SENSUOUS SPINAL UNDULATIONS

89

(This page deliberately blank.)

90

Deeper Lovemaking

Spine Waves
Freeing Your Pelvis
One of the basic problems people have
with basic pelvic movement is back pain from
tight back muscles. Even without back pain, tight
muscles interfere with movement, and some people have limited pelvic movement. If youre
going to have freedom of pelvic movement, you
need to be free of back tension and back pain.
This movement exercise relaxes and
comforts your back to improve your freedom of
pelvic movement.

Hidden Connections
Among the bodys parts, there are hidden
connections, in which movements of one part
elicit responsive movements of other parts. By
moving both parts together and feeling the
effort, we can reset muscular tensions that are
otherwise habitual.
The following movement, Spine Waves,
makes use of such hidden connections. By so
doing, they produce some remarkable changes
of freedom of movement for which there is no
adequate substitute.

Basic Pelvic Movement: Spine Waves

91

All of the coordination patterns in this book


consist of a contraction phase and a slow
relaxation phase. As you do these coordination
patterns:

Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your effort


and, with each repetition, start with the least effort you
can feel. Work toward gentle.
Begin with the least amount of effort needed to feel your
effort. You may need to contract and relax a number of
times to feel it. Notice where you feel it. Feel there
continuously through the movement.
Act slowly enough to feel the first sensation of effort.
Follow the instructions, but breathe when you need to!
Let the sensation set in before relaxing.
Be sure to relax completely between repetitions.

THE EQUALIZE ICON

92

THE FEEL ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Spine Waves
STARTING POSITION:

lying on your back


knees up, legs
balanced, leaning
neither in nor out
arms outstretched,
hands in line with
shoulders
IF NECESSARY FOR
COMFORT,

place your hands on


your belly
place a pillow under
your head or elbows
The following movements are all
preparations for freeing your pelvis
and set the stage for what is to
follow. The sequence is lengthy, but
worth it.

Find the place behind your nose whenever


you see
.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

93

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Press your head


down.

2.

Turn chin up, and


hold.

3.

Feel the back of your neck


and the muscles of your
mid-back tighten. Feel
your breastbone lift.

4.

NO EFFORT

Inhale, lift your


breastbone and
hold.

Slowly exhale and


relax all efforts.
Breathe freely.
Feel the back of your neck
relax, your chest sink and
your low back flatten.

Repeat until you feel the muscles of your mid-back contract as


you lift your breastbone (about five (5) times at decreasing
levels of effort).

94

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

This next movement improves your control over the muscles of


your mid-to-upper back, resulting in relaxation, there.

1.

Feel the back of your neck


tighten and shorten.

2.

3.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

Inhale, lift your


breastbone, and
hold.
Feel the back of your neck
and your mid-to-upper
back tighten. Feel your
breastbone lift.

Press your head


down, turn chin up,
and hold.

Equalize tensions at
the back of your
neck and mid-back.

95

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

When you feel tension or


sensation in your back the
most, hold that position
until you feel the
sensation shift.

5.

Slowly relax the


back of your neck
until tension moves
to your mid-toupper back.
(Breastbone stays
lifted.)

Slowly and together,


lower your
breastbone and
relax your neck.
Breathe freely.
You may feel your back
relax, lengthen, and
flatten..

Repeat until you feel the muscles of your mid-back relax as you
lower your breastbone (about five (5) times at decreasing levels
of effort).

96

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

The next movement prepares you to improve muscular control


of the muscles along the front of your neck. We start at the base
of your throat.

1.

Lift your breastbone,


hold.
2nd level Inhale.

2.

Tuck your chin


toward your neck,
press your head
down, and hold.
Feel the tension at the
front of your neck and
base of your throat.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

3.

5 4.

Equalize tucking
your chin and lifting
your breastbone.
Relax all efforts.
Feel your throat open.

97

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Breathe freely.

NO EFFORT

Repeat until you clearly feel the base of your throat constrict
and then open (about five (5) times at decreasing levels of
effort).

98

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

This next move improves your control of the muscles that run
from the base of your throat, up through the back of your throat
(the front of your neck vertebrae), to the place behind your
nose. You may notice your mid-back relax in waves with each
repetition.

1.

Inhale, breastbone
up, and hold.
Feel the effort of lifting
your chest.

2.

Tuck chin, flatten


neck down, and
hold.
Feel the front of your neck
tighten, and throat, constrict.

3.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

Equalize the
sensations of the
front of your neck
and mid-to-upper
back by adjusting
the efforts.

99

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

When you feel the front of


your neck begin to tighten
...

5.

Slowly relax your


neck.
Feel the wave of tension
move from the base of
your throat to the place
behind your nose.

6.
NO EFFORT

Exhale and let your


breastbone sink.

Relax all efforts and


breathe freely.

Repeat this combination movement until you can clearly feel the
wave of tension move to the place behind your nose (about five
(5) times at decreasing levels of effort).

100

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now you are ready to involve the muscles of your low back.

1.

Press your head


down and hold.

2.

Chin up, and hold.

Feel the back of your neck


tighten and shorten.

3.

Breastbone up, and


hold.
Feel the effort of lifting
your chest at your mid-toupper back.

2nd level Inhale fully,


then breathe lightly.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

101

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Tighten your low


back (turns tailbone
down into the
surface).
2nd level Help your
back arch: Lift some
weight off your feet.
Feel your groin tighten.

5.

Equalize the efforts


in your neck and
back.

6.

Slowly relax your


neck until you feel
more tension at your
lower back.

102

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

7.

Equalize the tensions


at groin and low
back by adjusting
your foot-pressure.

8.

Exhale until you first


feel your back
tighten more.

9.

Without changing
position, inhale.

10. Actively exhale and


cause your back to
relax and flatten.
2nd level Lower your

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

feet.

Feel equal pressure at the


heels and the balls of your
feet.

103

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

11. Relax all efforts and


breathe freely.
Notice how your low back
feels.

NO EFFORT

12. Exhale until your


belly tightens.
5

HEAD LIFT EXAGGERATED FOR VISIBILITY.

13. Lift a bit of weight


off your scalp and
look toward your
knees.
If you cant lift your head,
imagine you are lifting
your head.

104

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

14. Inhale, lie back and


relax.
Keep your low back snug
to the surface as you lie
back.

15. Breathe freely.


NO EFFORT

Repeat until you feel your back flatten by relaxing (about five (5)
times, total, at decreasing levels of effort).

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

105

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, you connect the muscles of your mid-back to those of


your throat (inside-front of your neck).

1.

Lift breastbone and


hold.

2.

Tuck chin and hold.

3.

Gradually tighten
the small of your
back and hold.

Feel your back curve.

4.

106

Equalize the tensions


of your low back
and throat by
adjusting your
efforts.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Feel the pressure equally


on heels and balls of feet.

6.

Bring your head to


the neutral position.

7.

Slowly relax your


back and neck; let
your back flatten.

8.

Slowly relax all


efforts and breathe
freely.

Press your feet down


and hold.

NO EFFORT

Repeat until you can feel your low back flatten a bit more
(about three (3) times, total, at decreasing levels of effort).

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

107

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, the same move with breathing, ending with a relaxed


belly.

1.

Lift breastbone and


hold.
Feel your mid-to-upper
back.

2.

Tuck chin toward


neck, and hold.
Feel the front of your neck
tighten.

2nd level Inhale.

3.

Gradually tighten
the small of your
back and hold the
shape.

4.

Equalize the front of


your neck and low
back.

108

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Sense your back


muscles and exhale
until you first feel
them tighten.
Feel where your back
muscles are tightest.

6.

Feel the heels and balls of


feet press equally. Your
back tightens more.
Regulate the effort for
comfort.

7.

Hold your shape,


relax your belly and
breathe freely.

8.

Bring your head to


neutral position.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

Press your feet


down.

109

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

9.

Slowly relax your


back muscles and
let your back flatten.

10. Relax all efforts and


breathe freely.
NO EFFORT
NO EFFORT

HEAD LIFT EXAGGERATED FOR VISIBILITY.

11. Exhale until you feel


your belly tighten,
then look between
your knees.
If you cant lift your head,
imagine you are lifting
your head.

110

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

12. Inhale, lie back, and


relax.
2nd level

Keep the
back of your pelvis
snug against the
surface as you lie
back. Lie back slowly
enough to stay in snug
contact.

3rd level

Locate the
place behind your
nose as you lie back.

13. Breathe freely.


NO EFFORT
NO EFFORT

Repeat at least three (3) times, total.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

111

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, youre ready to combine the two movement


combinations to involve your entire spinal musculature.

1.

Lift breastbone and


hold.

2.

Tuck chin, push


head down, and
hold.

Feel the place behind


your nose.

3.

Tighten the muscles


of the small of your
back, and hold.
Feel the hollow arch in the
small of your back; feel
your tailbone turn down
into the surface.

112

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Equalize the efforts


at your neck and
back.
Take some time to feel
whats working -- where
the effort is.

5.

Lift a bit of weight


off your feet.

6.

Tip your chin up to


the neutral position,
and hold.

Feel the connection


between the place
behind your nose and the
muscles at the base of
your head.

2nd level

Look up
toward your brow.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

113

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

7.

Exhale until you feel


your back muscles
tighten further.
Notice where you feel it in
your back.

8.

Lower your feet


gently.

9.

Equalize the
downward pressure
on your feet and
head.
Allow time for the
sensation to set in. You
may feel muscles shifting.

10. Keep the shape,


relax your belly and
breathe freely.

Feel your back sag,


slightly.

114

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

11. Slowly relax your


back muscles.

You feel your back flatten,


a bit.

12. Relax all other


efforts.
NO EFFORT

HEAD LIFT EXAGGERATED FOR VISIBILITY.

13. Exhale until you feel


your belly tighten,
then look between
your knees.
If you cant lift your head,
imagine you are lifting
your head.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

115

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

2nd level

Lie back
slowly enough to keep
the back of your pelvis
snug against the
surface as you lie
back.

14. Inhale, lie back,


breathe freely.

3rd level

Locate the
place behind your
nose as you lie back.

15. Relax all efforts and


breathe freely.
NO EFFORT

Repeat the preceding movement about three (3) times or until


you get better at it.

116

Deeper Lovemaking

Secret: Attention
Attention is the great intensifier. Whatever you put your attention on,
you experience. More attention, more experience of whatever your attention
is on.
The flip side also holds true. When you are the object of attention, your
experience gets more intense.
Thats a key to sensuality and to sexuality. It all starts with attention.
If you want to intensify your partners experience, put more attention on
him or her. The more attention you place on him or her, the more he or she
will feel.
The more attention you place on yourself and your sensations, the more
you will feel. Thats a clue for the control of sexual response.
Theres a difference between putting attention on your partner and
getting more excited and putting your attention on your partner and having
him or her get more excited. If youre getting more excited and you notice it,
your attention has gone back onto yourself or into your imagination. If you
want to keep control of your responses, keep your attention on your partner.
In a way, its a sort of game: who can get their partners attention most
onto themselves. Its an alternating play, a balancing act. Played well, both
of you win.
At first, your attention may be primarily on what you are feeling, on
what your partner looks like and on his or her sounds and scents. But it can
also be attention to emotional experiencing -- to what you and your partner
are feeling. It can be attention to your partners attention (where is it?), to
your partners bodily energy field (experienced as sensations), and ultimately,
if you feel deeply enough into your partner, it can be attention to the formless
mystery beyond dreaming that contains both you and your partner as you
partake in sexual ecstasy.

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117

118

Deeper Lovemaking

Learning the Grind


of the Bump and Grind
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

119

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120

Deeper Lovemaking

The Grindof
the Bump and Grind
A few words on The Bump and Grind
movement pattern.
Why do they call it, The Bump and Grind?
Its because first you bump and then you grind -penetration as deep as possible followed by
undulating and gyrating movements.
Bump and Grind requires freedom of
movement of your pelvis. Otherwise, you may
have plenty of bump but little grind. When
people with a rigid pelvis try to grind, they end up
doing awkward, sudden, out of control, out of
round movements.
Since bump and grind is very pleasurable
to women and fun for men, its a good thing to
be able to do.
The following movement frees your spine
for bump and grind. It gives new meaning to the
word, screwing.

The Grind of The Bump and Grind

121

Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your


effort and, with each repetition, start with the least
effort you can feel. Work toward gentle.
Begin with the least amount of effort needed to feel your
effort. You may need to contract and relax a number of
times to feel it. Notice where you feel it. Feel there
continuously through the movement.
Act slowly enough to feel the first sensation of effort.
Follow the instructions, but breathe when you need to!

Let the sensation set in before relaxing, each time


at a decreasing level of effort.

THE FEEL ICON

122

THE EQUALIZE ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Learning the Grind of the Bump and Grind


STARTING POSITION:

seated
hands on hips
feet and knees at
shoulder width

Feel the tension orbit your waistline as you move, as you


keep the amount of weight on your two feet equal and
constant.

1.

The Grind of The Bump and Grind

Shift your weight to


your left buttock
and hold.
Feel your waistline
contract on the right side.

123

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

2.

Lift your left shoulder


to match the effort
at your right waist,
and hold.

3.

Arch your back


(bring your chest
up), and hold.

Feel the tension


move to your back, on
the right.

4.

Let your right hip


and left shoulder
come down. Stay
arched.
Feel the tension
move from your right side
toward the center of your
spine.

124

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Lift your left hip and


right shoulder, and
hold.
Feel the tension move
toward your left waist.

6.

Equalize the efforts.

7.

Slowly let your chest


cave in, so you sag.

Feel the tension


move from your left side
toward the center of your
belly.

8.

Center your weight


on your buttocks.
Feel the tension
move to the center of
your belly.

The Grind of The Bump and Grind

125

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Continue this cycle of


shifting your weight in a
circle and feel the tension
orbit your belly. Do five
cycles or more at
decreasing levels of effort
Feel your point of
contact with your seat go
around and around in an
oval shape.

Then, reverse direction.


If you find any position particularly painful, retreat from that
position away from the pain. Then, make small, slow turning
movements as if to glance over your shoulder, back and
forth, into and out of the pain. Find the edge. Then, scan your
body and relax in place. Relax into the movement so the
pain disappears.

126

Deeper Lovemaking

Secret: The Subtle Touch


When you have done enough with the somatic exercises, you will find
that you can intensity feeling in various parts of your body just by paying
attention to them.
That ability sets the stage for The Subtle Touch.
The Subtle Touch is extremely useful for creating pleasure in your
lover.
When you touch your lover, how do you decide where to go, next?
Is it a matter of where you would like to touch, next, for the sake of your
own excitement, of getting to the next step?
Or is it a matter of where your lover is sensitized and desires to be
touched (or would desire, if he or she knew him-or-herself well enough)?
If its the latter, youre faced with a quandary: How do you know?
Technical knowledge wont do it, so sex books of the usual sort
(including the Kama Sutra) wont help. It can help for your partner to tell you.
But even better is your ability to sense, for yourself.
It is possible to sense what another person is feeling, directly, if you are
sensitized enough, yourself. How sensitized is sensitized enough?
If you can feel your own body-sense and then feel the space around it,
youre sensitized enough.
Lets try a little something. Bring your attention to your hand and feel
what it feels like, from inside. Feel your fingers, feel your palm, feel the back of
your hand, feel your wrist. Feel the shape of your hand.
Now feel the space around your hand.
Now, rapidly turn your forearm back and forth, back and forth, palm up
and palm down while feeling the space around your hand. Keep doing that

Deeper Lovemaking

127

until you feel the space around your hand as a sphere.


Keep that feeling, and bring your hand toward your other forearm. You
may notice that your forearm feels a kind of warmth and pressure as your
hand approaches, and your hand may feel a kind of pressure as it
approaches your forearm.
Thats The Subtle Touch.
Activate The Subtle Touch when you are making love and, by passing it
over your lovers body, use it to feel the places that are sensitized. Youll be
able to tell by feel and be drawn there by the creative urge to give pleasure.
When you are more practiced, youll be able to feel your lovers sensations just be scanning him or her with your eyes and intending to feel what it
feels like in the place you are scanning, as if it were you you were feeling.
Add to that what you have learned from books (or others) and the
guidance your lover gives you, and you have an unusually sensuous
combination.

128

Deeper Lovemaking

Freedom to Spread Your Legs


SOMETIMES, YOU MUST CLOSE
BEFORE YOU CAN OPEN WIDE

129

YAB-YUM POSITION

130

Deeper Lovemaking

Freedom to Spread
Your Legs

It seems pretty obvious that good sexual


contact requires the ability of a woman to
spread her legs, freely.
However, the classic Yab Yum position
(shown on the facing page), requires the same
ability of the man.
The problem is tight muscles of the inner
thighs. Stretching doesnt really do the job, but
there is an easier, longer-lasting way.
The key to freedom of the inner thighs is
to develop the ability to control the tension of
those muscles. Certain movements, such as
those found in this section, rapidly improve your
ability to feel and control those muscles.

Freedom to Spread Your Legs

131

Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel


your effort and, with each repetition, start with the
least effort you can feel. Work toward gentle.
Begin with the least amount of effort needed to feel
your effort. You may need to contract and relax a
number of times to feel it. Notice where you feel it.
Feel there
continuously through the movement.
Act slowly enough to feel the first sensation of effort.
Follow the instructions, but breathe when you need
to!

Let the sensation set in before relaxing, each


time at a decreasing level of effort.
Be sure to relax completely between repetitions.

THE FEEL ICON

132

THE EQUALIZE ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Freedom to Spread Your Legs


STARTING POSITION:
sidelying
underside leg straight
topside leg bent at the
knee in front of the other
leg
underside arm straight
hand of the topside arm
on the soft part of the
elbow of the other arm
If necessary for comfort
in your neck, put a
cushion under your
head.

Freedom to Spread Your Legs

133

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention


to the underside leg.
Make the side of the
foot lie flush on the
surface on which
you are lying.

2.

Lift and lower your


underside leg.

Feel where the underside


legs lifting muscles tighten
and loosen. Feel there as
you lift and lower.

2nd level Exhale as

you lift; inhale as you


lower.

Repeat at a lower level of effort,


each time.

134

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Slowly lift and lower


your head.
You feel your neck,
topside ribs, and waist
contract and relax.

Be sure you are


face-forward; dont turn
your head.

2nd level If you have


neck pain, turn your
head so you feel the
painful area clearly.
Relax from there.

Repeat at a lower level of effort,


each time.

Freedom to Spread Your Legs

135

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Slowly lift and lower


your head and
underside leg.
Feel whats working. Be
sure to relax completely
between repetitions.

Continue until you distinctly feel the connection between the two
places.

136

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention


to the topside, bent
leg.

2.

Press down with that


leg from knee to
foot.

Feel the muscles of the


groin on that side
contract.
Feel how the topside leg
wants to lift.

Freedom to Spread Your Legs

3.

Slowly relax.

4.

Press down on the


topside leg and
hold.

137

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Slowly lift your head,


and hold.

6.

Slowly lift your


underside leg and
hold.
Feel the height at which it
helps you lift your head.

7. Equalize the
efforts of lifting
your leg and
head.
8. Slowly relax all
efforts.
Repeat at least three times until you are more relaxed.
Then turn over and do the other side.

138

Deeper Lovemaking

Secret: The Transcendent Kiss


One way of looking at kissing is as a communication. Its not a teethcrunching event nor an attempt to eat your lover nor an attempt to overwhelm your lover. Its not a way to show your passion. Its a way of meeting
your lover. Its a two-way communication -- the feeling of kissing and of being
kissed back. The passion is not a demonstration for show; its a build-up of the
passion between you and your lover, communion.
A kiss may last a long time -- five minutes or longer. It may be
punctuated by quick, soft kisses that tease and build attraction or it may be
continuous. It may be on the lips or around the mouth, on the eyes or all over
the face, in progressive lines of feeling all over the body, or on erogenous
places. Above all, it is a soft meeting, not a hard one; hard meetings desensitize. Even when theres pressure, its not about crushing pressure or about wild
gyrations unless thats what both you and your lover are into. If you cant feel
your lovers response to your kiss, youre probably kissing too hard or too wildly
and not paying enough attention to your lovers responses -- too much doing
and not enough feeling.
The kind of kiss often shown in the movies, the open-mouth kiss, is only a
surface appearance. It may seem to portray desire and passion -- but usually
the way it is shown -- as a plunge -- misses the essence of kiss -- the magnetic attraction that pulls us toward our lover. At best, it can only imply it.
That magnetic attraction is intensified by moments of suspense, in
which we are poised at just that point when we are close, face to face, eyes
to eyes, drawn together but before we dive in. Its not contrived; its attentive.
That moment of suspense was shown beautifully in the movies, Down
with Love, with Rene Zellweger and Ewan McGregor, and in Top Gun, with
Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis (the elevator scene). In both cases, the characters were close to each other and the kiss, seemingly inevitable, the suspense,
palpable, and even though a kiss didnt happen in some of those scenes, the
magnetic attraction did. That kind of suspense may last and intensify over

Deeper Lovemaking

139

seconds or over many minutes or hours.


This magnetic attraction is only the first moment that draws us in. The
touch and press of lips is but the beginning of a deeper fulfillment, as we
merge in an absorption in which only intensifies as we feel the passion of our
partner and surrender to it in an emotional surge of desire and commitment
to kiss.
Thats not as far as a kiss can go. For as we kiss more deeply, we can
feel more than our own passion; we feel our partner, his or her essence. In our
love, we feel more deeply into her or him, we feel his or her being. We dive in,
not only physically, but in our feeling-attention, body and soul.
If we dive deeply, enough, we can feel that the sense of her or of him is
merged with our sense of ourselves, or more exactly, that we cannot tell
where we end and they begin. We can deliberately feel that feeling and
explore it. Now, dont expect words to be able to describe or explain it
beyond that. Youll have to pay attention during your next kiss. Its a feeling.
Once you have recognized it, you can go further. You can explore that
feeling with your loving intuition. Feel into it and expand your attention in
some direction and then in all directions. Soon, youll recognize that it has a
shape, size, and boundary. And what is beyond that boundary, what
encloses it, is beyond self, even the merged self of you and your partner in
kissing. It is the transcendent mystery that encloses us and exists outside of our
sense of all life. In some sense, it is the mystery that contains the entire
universe.
It is the same mystery that we may intuit in ourselves, as the place from
which our consciousness mysteriously comes, even the place from which we
came when we were born, if your mind and imagination are absorbed in the
kissing, itself, deeply.
The Transcendent Kiss is as deep as a kiss can go, as large as it can go,
and it discloses to us a mystery that penetrates deeper than our mind, our
feelings, our egos, our sense of ourselves as individuals, to the unnameable,

140

Deeper Lovemaking

ineffable essence of the mystery of what we are.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.


I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
my soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
for the ends of Being and ideal Grace...
~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Deeper Lovemaking

141

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

142

Deeper Lovemaking

Freeing Your Groin


FOR PUSHING TOGETHER

143

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144

Deeper Lovemaking

Freeing Your Groin


Your Low Back -Hidden Connection to Your Groin
In the Wriggling exercise, you felt how your
leg and opposite side of your low back are
connected; reaching with your leg caused the
opposite side of your low back to contract.
There is a similar connection along the front
side of your legs and pelvis. In particular, the
muscles of your groin have a functional
connection with the muscles deep in your pelvis,
but on the opposite side.
The next learning exercise wakes up that
connection and reduces the strain in the lower
back that occurs when muscular confusion exists
in this area.
Youll find that this movement has a very
satisfying use during intercourse.

Freeing Your Groin

145

Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your


effort and, with each repetition, start with the least
effort you can feel. Work toward gentle.
Begin with the least amount of effort needed to feel your
effort. You may need to contract and relax a number of
times to feel it. Notice where you feel it. Feel there
continuously through the movement.
Act slowly enough to feel the first sensation of effort.
Follow the instructions, but breathe when you need to!

Let the sensation set in before relaxing, each time


at a decreasing level of effort.
Be sure to relax completely between repetitions.

THE FEEL ICON

146

THE EQUALIZE ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Freeing Your Groin


STARTING POSITION:
lying on your front
one leg straight
the other leg turned knee-out,
sole of the foot against the
opposite ankle
face turned to the side of the
bent knee
hands palm-down under or
next to your face (whichever
you prefer)

If your neck is too stiff for comfort, put


a pillow under your chest, to make
space for your neck and head.
With your hand, reach down to the
front of your waistline near your
pocket and locate the protuberance of bone. Thats the front of
your hip bone.

Tighten the groin of one leg and pulling it (by feel)


toward the front of your hip bone on the opposite
side.

Freeing Your Groin

147

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

NO EFFORT

1.

Bring your attention to


the turned leg.

2.

Press the inside of your


knee down against the
surface, then release.
Put your attention in your
groin as you press. Feel
where the effort comes
from
Repeat until you can feel
where the movement
comes from (which
muscles are working).

NO EFFORT

148

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

You are about to learn how to


find the best positions in which
to work.

1.

Press the same knee


down and hold.

2.

Draw the foot of the


same leg along the
inside of the other leg.
When you find a position that reveals discomfort in your groin or
back, pause in place.

3.

Relax in place.

Thats your first working position.

Freeing Your Groin

149

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

150

1.

Press down again and


hold.

2.

Slightly pull the


groin of that side
toward the upper hip
bone of your opposite
side and hold.
You feel one leg reach
long as the opposite side
of your low back contracts.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

3.

Slowly lift your head to


the height at which
you can best feel the
sensation of lifting.

2nd level Slowly lift and

lower the arm of the same


side as the bent leg,
keeping the tension in
your groin muscles
constant. Feel whats
working. Then lift and
hold.
Equalize the effort of
pressing the knee down
and lifting the arm.

Freeing Your Groin

151

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

3rd level Slowly lift and

lower your straight leg,


keeping the tension of
your other efforts constant. Feel whats working. Then, lift and hold.

4.

Slowly lower your head


to rest.
2nd level If you have

lifted your arm, slowly


lower your arm before you
lower your head.

3rd level Slowly lower

your lifted leg.

5.

Slowly relax the


muscles of your groin.

6.

Relax completely in
place. Do not move
out of position.
You have just done one
complete cycle. Repeat
in the same position
before locating the next
position.

152

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

You are about to locate the next position in which to work.

Freeing Your Groin

1.

Bring your attention to


the bent leg.

2.

Press down and hold.

3.

Slowly, slowly draw


your foot higher up
along the straight leg.
When you find your
next position of discomfort, pause and
relax in place.

4.

Press your knee down,


again.
Feel the muscles of your
groin contract.

153

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

As before, pull
the muscles of your
groin toward your
opposite hip.

6.

Slowly lift your head to


the height where you
feel the effort best.

OPTIONS (as before):

Lift your arm.


Lift your opposite leg.

7.

Slowly relax.

154

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

SUMMARY:
knee down
head up
arm up
leg up
arm down
head down
leg down
relax

Freeing Your Groin

155

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Freeing Your Groin -- II


This movement is complementary to the preceding one. It is good to
follow one immediately with the other.

STARTING POSITION:
lying on your back
one leg straight, the other leg bent
at the knee
knee of the bent leg dropped to
the side
foot of the bent leg against the
inside of the thigh of the other leg
at or above the knee
face forward
hand opposite bent leg under
your head
If necessary for comfort in your
groin, place a cushion under your
bent knee and/or elbow.

Fold along your groin by simultaneously lifting a


knee and the opposite hip. The hips twist.

156

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention to


your bent leg.

2.

Lift its knee enough to


feel tension in your
groin. Stay lifted.
2nd level Turn the toes of
the straight leg straight
upwardly.

3.

Freeing Your Groin

Slide your foot down


the opposite leg
toward the foot to
locate all positions in
which you have
discomfort in your
groin.
Address the most
uncomfortable positions,
first, as tension in these
positions may limit your
ability to relax less contracted places.

157

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Reposition your foot at


the beginning, slide
and stop at the most
uncomfortable position for your groin.

5.

In that position,
slightly lift the foot of
that leg. Stay within
your comfort zone.
Feel the added sensation
in your groin. Notice how
your opposite hip lifts,
slightly. This is folding your
groin.

2nd level Help your

opposite hip lift by pressing down on your straight


leg and its same-side
shoulder and hold.

158

3rd level Equalize all


efforts.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

6.

Slowly lower your foot


and let your knee
slowly drop down.
Notice how your groin
unfolds, slightly.

2nd level If you lifted your


opposite hip, slowly lower
it before lowering your
knee.
Notice how your groin
unfolds further.

7.

With the edge of your


hand, make a sawing motion along the
whole line of your groin
to define and feel
where the fold of your
groin is.

8.

Contract both
buttocks and relax.

You have just done one complete cycle.

Freeing Your Groin

159

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

You are about to locate your


next working position.

1.

Bring your attention to


your bent leg.

2.

Lift your knee,


slightly, and hold.

3.

Slowly, slide your foot


along toward your
straight-leg foot. When
you feel any sensation
of discomfort in your
groin or low back, stop
in place.

You have just located your next


working position.

160

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Slightly lift the


foot of the bent leg.

Feel your groin contract


further.

2nd level Press your

straight leg down to lift


your opposite hip and fold
your groin further.

3rd level Equalize the

efforts of pushing down


with one leg and lifting the
knee of the other.

2.

Slowly relax so your


lifted hip drops and
your bent leg turns
knee-outward.

3.

Lower your lifted foot.

Freeing Your Groin

161

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Saw along the line of


your groin. Let your
groin feel your hand.

Continue to locate
positions by progressively
straightening, contracting
and relaxing, until your
bent leg is completely
straight.

Switch legs and do your


other side.

162

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

ADVANCED VARIATION: Once


you know this movement,
locate trouble spots by
contracting your buttocks and
straightening your bent leg
straight. Work in the position
where you feel the greatest
restriction in your groin.

Freeing Your Groin

163

164

Deeper Lovemaking

Secret: Boundaries
A boundary is something you can push against.
A soft boundary allows penetration.
In relationships, softening a boundary involves yielding. It may be the
yielding of allowing someone to get to know you, the yielding of allowing
someone to do something to you, the yielding of allowing yourself to feeling
something. A soft boundary has a feeling of control that makes it safe to feel
and even enhances feeling.
Seduction involves the willing softening of boundaries.
If you feel pressured or violated, you have a boundary; the more pressured or violated, the harder the boundary.
The other side of the coin: no boundaries, no sense of penetration, only
unity with the other.
A person with boundary issues wants to have a boundary, but believes
he or she shouldnt. He or she doesnt really allow him-or-herself to feel
because to feel would be too much. A person with hard boundaries also
doesnt allow him-or-herself to feel.
So, its not a matter of having no boundaries or solid boundaries, but of
having control over your boundaries.
Which brings us to the sense of feeling pressured.
Feeling pressured may seem to be the experience of someone pushing
too hard on your boundary. It seems that way because theres usually someone out there apparently doing the pushing. But unless the pushing is physical, and not merely verbal, the sense of pressure isnt coming from outside; its
coming from within.
Let me say that another way. If you feel highly pressured by someone
to do something, its because youre in conflict with your own desire to do

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165

that same thing. Otherwise, the feeling of pressure would be noticeable, but
minor and within your power of decision. The feeling of urgency to make a
decision, which is the essence of feeling pressured, comes from within. Otherwise, there would be no sense of urgency; your mind would already be made
up and you would feel secure in your stand. So something else is going on,
and that something is conflict with your own desire.
Own up to it. Feel it. Feel the resistance to it. Alternate feeling your
desire and resistance. The, teel both your desire and your resistance at the
same time. The feeling will be a familiar tension. Notice if that feeling of tension is voluntary or involuntary. Dont think about it; feel it. Then, decide
whether you want to keep that tension.
If you let it go, youll relax and discover a new sense of freedom without
feeling so pressured. Youll have better control of your boundary and your
ability to decide when you soften it. Youll have freer choice -- and a freer
ability to enjoy your decision.

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Presenting Your Chest and Pelvis


FULL BODY CONTACT

167

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Presenting Your Chest


and Pelvis
Presenting Your Chest:
The Head-and-Shoulder Tripod
This movement has the remarkable effect of
relaxing tension deep in your pelvis. That means
that your low back at your waistline will get more
supple, allowing freer pelvic movement.
Its an odd thing, but your neck and low
back affect each other in movement. Of particular interest is that the place behind your nose, at
the base of your head, is also the key to controlling
orgasm.
At the moment orgasm is about to go out of
control, you will feel, if you pay attention, the place
at the base of your head (it feels like the back of
your brain) contract. Its almost as if your brain is
contracting the same way as are your genitals
during the build-up.
If you deliberately relax that place, you can
back off from orgasm. Of course, you may not
want to, but having control of that place gives you
the choice.

Presenting Your Pelvis and Chest

169

The two exercises that follow in this section


bring your attention to that special, orgasm
control place, so you can learn and practice
control.

Learning How to Move Your Pelvis Better


Pelvic movement isnt controlled at your
pelvis; its controlled at the middle of your belly
and in your legs and felt in your pelvis.
For good, coordinated pelvic movement in
all positions, you need to be able to control
movement equally well from the center of your
body and from your legs.
This two-part section gives you practice
controlling movement from each place.

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Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your


effort. You may need to contract and relax a number
of times to feel it. With each repetition, start with the
least effort you can feel. Work toward gentle.
Notice where you feel your effort. Feel there
continuously through the movement.
Act slowly enough to feel the first sensation of effort.
Follow the instructions, but breathe when you need to!

Let the sensation set in before relaxing, each time


at a decreasing level of effort.
Be sure to relax completely between repetitions.
Go slowly enough to feel tension increase or
decrease.

THE FEEL ICON

Presenting Your Pelvis and Chest

THE EQUALIZE ICON

171

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Presenting Your Chest


STARTING POSITION:

on your back
legs: knees up, feet
spaced so legs balance vertically,
leaning
neither in, nor out
hands: fingers interlaced at the base of
your head
head: resting in the
cups of your palms
elbows: flat on the
floor
If necessary for comfort, place
cushions under your elbows.

Use very gentle effort to equalize the muscles


along your spine and the muscles between your
shoulders until you feel the muscular tensions in
your back shift.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.
CHIN UP

Using the back of


your head, noticing
the first sensation of
effort, gently press
against your hands.
2nd level Feel the

CHIN UP

place behind your


nose as you press.

2.

Slowly relax.

NO EFFORT

Repeat until you can sense the moment effort begins and the
place where it begins.

Presenting Your Pelvis and Chest

173

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention


to your arms and
shoulders.

2.

By pulling your
shoulder blades
together in back,
gently pull your
shoulders back into
the surface on
which you are lying.

You may notice that your


chest lifts. Actively
imagine your chest lifting
more.

3.

Slowly relax.

NO EFFORT

Repeat until you can sense the moment effort begins and the
place where it begins.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, we combine the two movements:

1.

2nd level

Feel the
place behind your
nose as you press.

5
2.
HEADDOWN

Bring your attention


back to your head.

Press your head


down against your
hands and hold.
Feel where in your neck
you tighten.

3.
HEAD DOWN,

CHIN UP

Presenting Your Pelvis and Chest

Chin up and hold.


Feel the neck tension
move more to the back
surface of your neck.
You may feel your low
back tighten a bit, and
the pressure against the
back of your pelvis,
increase.

175

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Pull your shoulders


back and hold.

5.

Equalize the
efforts of head and
shoulders.

Alternate your attention


between your neck and
your shoulders and adjust.
You may now feel the
pressure of your head and
shoulders as a triangle.
THE TENSION IN YOUR SHOULDERS AND BACK
IS SHAPED LIKE A PLUS

176

(+).

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Feel yourself resting on the


head and shoulder
tripod.

2nd level

Notice how
your low back feels as
you hold the head
and shoulder tripod.

4.

Take a deep breath,


gently lift your chest
and look straight up
at the ceiling (head
in neutral position).
Pause in place and feel.

5.

Hold the tripod


and slowly relax your
low back muscles.
You feel your lower back
flatten and the tension
move to your ribs, in back.

Presenting Your Pelvis and Chest

177

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

6.

Slowly relax the rest


of your efforts.
Feel your upper back relax
between the shoulder
blades. You may want to
stretch the area out, now
that it has some slack.

Repeat at a lower level of effort.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Presenting Your Pelvis


NEXT POSITION:
same as before, except:
arms back by head,
bent 90 degrees at
elbows (straight line
through elbows and
shoulders)

If necessary for comfort,


place cushions under your
wrists.

Learn to control the muscles of your throat and


neck.

Presenting Your Pelvis and Chest

179

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Exhale until you feel


a tug on your chest.

2.

By pressing down
with your feet, lift
your hips high.

2nd level Press equally

with the heels and balls


of your feet.

180

3.

Take a full breath in.

4.

Exhale again until


you feel a pull on
your chest.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Lift your head until


some weight comes
off your scalp. Keep
your chin tucked
near your neck.
You feel your
throat constrict, a bit. If it
doesnt constrict, make it
constrict by tucking your
chin towards your adams
apple.

2nd level Gaze

between your knees.

Feel how that action


changes your alignment.

Presenting Your Pelvis and Chest

3rd level Feel the

place behind your


nose.

181

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

6.

Keep your
head up, let your
hips come down.
2nd level Inhale as
you lower your hips.

7.

Let your head sink


down.
2nd level Continue to
inhale.

8.
NO EFFORT

Rest and breathe


freely.

Repeat at least twice more (3 times, minimum).


Repeat the head and shoulder tripod a few times.

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Secret: The Enticement of Teasing

(See?)

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183

OK. As an act of mercy, Ill explain. That was an experiential presentation of what the title meant. If you noticed what you felt upon seeing the
blank page after the enticing title, youll understand the power of teasing -the offering of something and then its withdrawal or non-fulfillment. It makes
you want it all the more, doesnt it?
nuff said.

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The Pelvic Power Thrust


YOU MEAN IT.

185

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

The Pelvic
Power Thrust

Our spine and legs are related. Leg movements affect pelvic position. Just think of how, by
tightening your buttocks (which pull your legs
backward), you cause your pubic area to come
forward. That changes the curve of your low
back.
The movement pattern in this section
creates a powerful connection between torso
and legs and enhances your ability to control
your pelvic thrusting movements.
The movement, itself, is inherently satisfying.
Work in an exploratory fashion, feeling the
effects as you do the movements. Dont let your
attention wander; keep it in the movement all the
way to the end, and you will probably discover
and release tensions that you didnt know you
had.

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187

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Always regulate your effort to be within your comfort zone:


the amount of sensation you can experience without fear or
cringing.
Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your effort
and, with each repetition, start with the least effort you can
feel. Work toward gentle.
Learn the parts (elements) of multi-part movements, put
them together.
When equalizing efforts, hold all parts of the movement,
compare them, and adjust by decreasing the greater
effort(s) until you cant tell which effort is strongest.

THE FEEL ICON

188

THE EQUALIZE ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

The Pelvic Power Thrust


STARTING POSITION:
leaning back propped up
on your elbows
head and upper back
resting back on pillows
propped up against the wall
or headboard of your bed
legs crossed

If necessary for comfort, place


cushions under your knees

Equalize the effort used to spread your legs and to


tighten your belly.

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189

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Slowly lift your head.


Feel your belly and front of
neck tighten.

2.

Slowly lower your head


back onto the pillows.
Feel your belly and front of
neck relax.

Repeat a few times at decreasing levels of effort, feeling where


the tension is, each time.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

By tightening your
buttocks, spread your
legs so the sides of your
thighs press down.

2.

Slowly relax.

Repeat a few times at decreasing levels of effort, feeling where


the tension is, each time.

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191

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Lift your head and


hold.

2.

Spread your legs and


hold.

3.

Equalize the
amount of tension in
your buttocks, belly,
and neck.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Slowly relax all efforts at


the same speed.

Repeat a number of times until you can control the movement


so all efforts begin and end at the same time. Then, repeat at
decreasing levels of effort.
Youll feel your ability to
thrust your pubic area
forward increase.

Then, switch leg positions and repeat.

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193

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

NEW STARTING POSITION:


leaning back propped up
on your elbows
head resting back on a
pillow
legs: knees bent and
dropped to the sides, soles
of feet touching

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Slowly press your head


backward and hold.

2nd level

your brows.

Look up at

2.

Slowly relax.

3.

Slowly lift your chest and


hold.
Feel at your mid-back.

4.

Slowly relax.

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195

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Feel the sensation in your


lower back.

196

Slowly press your feet


down and hold.

6.

Slowly relax.

7.

Press head backward


and hold.

8.

Press feet down and


hold.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way.
Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

9.

Lift your chest and hold.


Feel the sensation in your
upper back.

10. Equalize all efforts.

11. Slowly relax.

Repeat a number of times until you can control the movement


so all efforts begin and end at the same time. Then, repeat at
decreasing levels of effort.
Once you are familiar with the two movements, alternate
directions.

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197

Secret: The Art of Rhythm


The act of penetration can be played for maximum feeling. With your
newly developed pelvic control, you can regulate the speed of penetration.
Where building feeling is concerned, slower is better.
Start with pressure at the opening of her vagina and just stay there. Feel
and let anticipation grow, then go for more.
Cause penetration to about one inch and rest there. Just feel. Wait for
the rush of feeling to subside, then go for more, rest and feel.
If the man penetrates to about half his length and waits, it gives the
woman the feeling impression that thats all there is.
What a surprise when he pushes in farther! (slowly ...)
At some point, when he is all the way in, the man can withdraw and
repenetrate, again, slowly and in stages.
Then, he can repenetrate more quickly. The change of speed creates
a new experience and new sensations.
Finally, he can engage a rhythm of slow and faster penetration at
different angles.
One Asian sex teaching is called sets of nine. In sets of nine, the
man might penetrate slowly eight times and quickly once; then seven times
and quickly, twice; six times and quickly three times, etc. Then, he might artfully alternate numbers of slow and fast penetrations.
The idea is to maintain fresh awareness of the sensations by means of
changes of pace -- not to create sensations merely by hard force, which is
primitive and leads to loss of sensitivity. Bump and grind and swirling movements create variety and keep feeling fresh, as do the full variety of other
techniques.
This variety gives the woman a chance to discover what she likes best,
so the man can go with that for as long as he and she like.
Experiment and enjoy.

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