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Can't stop placing people's lives on microscope slides so
you can see who's doing better? Your obsessron with comparing
achievements cou d be hurting your future. By Lauren Farrow
'm pretty happy with my career,
my friends and my love life. But
when I look at Natalie Portman,
I feel like hitting the bottle.
The girl was in the cult classic
The Professional at13, won a Golden
Globe at 24, and even with a shaved head
manages to look better than I ever have.
Rationally, I realise l'm being ridiculous.
I don't want her life. For, all I know, she
could smell like mothballs or feet.
Still, Natalie induces bouts of self-
loathing. I mean, what have I achieved
in comparison? A quick survey of my
friends proved it's not just me who's
prone to judging my life's achievements
(and failures) against someone else's.
I
From what I can gather, just about
everyone suffers from this "comparison
complex". We can't help but measure
ourselves against our closest friends,
acquaintances and even strangers,
comparing everything from weight,
careers and salaries, to our love lives,
friendships and social status.
"l think our generation has an over-
achievers complex," says 24-year-old
Arielle. "We're constantly inundated
with media about everyone's amazing
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projects, jobs and lives, and, while
this is inspiring, we can't help but
compare ourselves. At least I can't."
l in her life. She explains, "lt gives me the
The modern human, it seems, has created
advanced torture devices to exacerbate
our comparison complex. Unlike previous
generations, we have to contend with
airbrushing, cosmetic surgery, intense
career competition and, of course,
pretty young things like Ms Portman.
But, before we start railing against
the system, Sydney psychologist Elisabeth
Shaw says we should first take a deep
breath - because it's not all bad news. Our
tendency to "A-B" things can play a role
in helping us understand where we fit in.
From the age of three, Shaw explains,
we become conscious of comparisons.
We are likened to our parents, and learn
standards of good and bad. By the
time we're in our twenties, this process
is what enables us to evaluate our life.
"We all compare ourselves to others
when we lose something or someone
valuable to us, whether it be missing
out on a job or a relationship. Often, we
do this for a short period of time; [it's] -
a kind of review of how we stack up
and re-establish our self-perception."
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For Arielle, her tendency to compare
herself with others acts as a driving force
motivation to achieve the things I want
to accomplish. Without it, I might never
leave the couch. l'd be just like the
mum in [1993 film] What's Eating
Gilbert Grape. You'd need a damn
crane to get me out of the house."
Jennifer, 33, reveals that rating her
life against other people's has been the
motivator that pushed her to make
several important decisions. "When
[my friends and l] left school, I was the
first to move ln with my boyfriend. Five
years later, the relationship died and
I had nothing to show for it. My friends
all had degrees and careers. I felt like
I had fallen behind ... so I went out and
enrolled in university the next day."
Shaw warns, however, that when
we can't manage our tendency to
measure up in a positive way, it can
be self-defeating and damaging. A
negatively charged comparison complex,
coupled with low self-esteem, can
actually keep you from moving forward.
"Sometimes, people are so alert
to being seen badly lby others] that they
find it irresistible to collect examples of