When your little all you want to do is grow up but when your all grown up you crave to be young

once again. Of course this is one of the many clichés of our time. I know now being the age that lam that the one dream that all girls dream about from the age of 5 upwards is the one dream that can come true but as much as it can come true it can also be taken away from you in one foul swift. So much so that it can leave breathless and almost broken hearted, not so broken yet not so whole just in between which just leaves you feeling stuck and lost with an aching throbbing heart that's trapped in your chest wanting to escape the pain. The dream that I talk about is true love, your prince charming who is perfect in every single way possible and who can sweep you off your feet and adding cheesiness to the cheese he will make you smile the biggest ever which will cause your teeth to do that twinkle sparkly bling bling thing. I know exactly how he would make me feel, I know it off by heart. He would come into my life when I needed him the most and wow me with how totally amazing and awesome he is. He would also make me smile and make my face light up when I thought about him or as we are in the 21st century now when I received a text. This of course is not just only when he texts you for the first time but every text you receive from him which will cause your face to glow and light up and make you feel like your the most important person in the world. There's the look and the kiss. Now me I believe that both are just as important as each other because the right look is meant to to make you feel like a million dollars. The kiss is meant to be slow and passionate and make you go weak at the knees on the first kiss and every kiss there after. Last but not least making love. I most definitely that the 'wow' factor comes to mind, it should be the most mind boggling , intense, orgasmic and passionate sex of your life which just gets better and better every time you lay your hands on each other. That's all im guna say about that a girl should never kiss and tell. Now where and when did my dream first start? I began when I was about five, my mum used to always make me and my sisters watch all the black and white films and that's where it all began. The classics films where the guys were complete gentlemen who not only swept the most beautiful girls of there feet but totally adored them and vowed to d what they could to make them happy. They always had the happy every after and a Cinderella story ending, the ending of every girls dream and yes this was definitely the dream I dreamt of as a small child, a teenager and a young woman. Apart from doing well in school and having a kick ass job what else could a girl possibly dream about. I still vaguely remember as a small child wanting adulthood to hurry up so I could fall in love, get married and have babies. Now I know its not every mothers dream to have her 8 year old daughter turn around and say “ mum when im 20 I want a baby.” A mothers dream for there child surely is to go to university and get a degree and achieve what they couldn't. Well for me I did get one of my wishes sort of, I fell pregnant by the time I was 20 but I was 21 by the time they dragged my son out of me. At least I got one of my wishes one out of three is better than anything. Now growing up and knowing I wanted true love to come and find me and lead me into the magical world of true love and with that thought I guess you would presume I would be all over the boys growing up. Well this is so wrong and untrue on so many levels. I have always believed and still believe to this day I was born with 'weirdo' stamped on my forehead. I know you must be thinking “ what the hell” but without a doubt its true. I was

born weird and as I grew older I got to add geeky, grungy at one point, girlie and completely crazy and mad as a hatter to the list. Of course me being crazy and mad as a hatter is in a good cute way not in a loony bin fruit cake sort of way. All of these qualities that make me who lam today didn't help really when I was growing up, instead they hurt me in a way that I fought with for so many years. I always felt the odd one out in every school I went to and that included my dance schools. No-one really ever accepted me as the weird geeky girl , so to be liked I changed and tried to be more like the people who were in the in crowd. No matter how much I put the real me aside and became this boring and fake person my efforts were never praised. They never got me to the top where I would become popular and noticed, instead it made the other kids push me away even more and not only did it make me feel more alone than ever they made it harder for me to get into there circle. In primary school things were probably easier fro me than in secondary school. For one thing there were only 30 of us in a class instead of a hundred and plus I was already in the in crowd in primary school, I just wasn't that one girl that everyone wanted to be. I never wanted to be her but I guess all I wanted was to be liked by her so I wouldn't get pushed out and be totally alone. Everyone wanted her attention she was the queen bee of the class for sure all throughout primary school and even though you didn't want to you would find yourself doing just about anything she told you to just so she would notice you. No matter how many times you tell yourself not to always follow her about like a puppy and pathetic black sheep and join in with those silly games she played you would always go crawling back to her with your tail set firmly between your legs. Its like she knew we would and she would never get pissed off when we tries to break from her clutches, she would just accept us back into her circle because she was Suzie Buckley. If I think hard enough there was only two things that kept me going all those years. One was a boy because I believe just like all those cheesy teenage films there is that one boy that you fancy the pants off of. The other was a best friend a girl could ever have at school. Now this boy he was that one boy that with a single thought can get you out of bed in the morning to get up and go to school because for me I hated school and this one boy got me excited about going to school everyday. There has always and will always be an Andrew Heard in every single school on Earth. He was the one boy that every girl fancied and yes I most definitely did fancy Andrew from reception all the way through to year 7 and I never had the guts to tell him. Well even at that age asking a boy out doesn't mean much now does it because lets face at that age going out just really means holding hands in the play ground and occasionally having the odd quick kiss on the lips, it doesn't mean you go out to lunch or go to the cinema with the boy well maybe back in my day things seemed to have changed a bit now with boys and girls of that tender age. I think to myself he must of known I fancied him at one point because me being me I still remember a moment back when we were in year five and I was lucky enough to have been picked by our teacher Mr Codling to sit next to Andrew for the whole year. Even my mum was all excited for me as she knew I always fancied him not I recall telling her so I think its a mum thing and she just knew. I remember us being bored as Mr Codling was going on about something we didn't understand and we both had our arms on the table with our heads laying in them. Now as I recall we both kept looking and glancing at one another every so often with these cheeky grins upon our faces as if to say I fancy you, I even remember a girl Nicola Birch looking over at us and whispering about what we were doing. Its funny the little things you remember when you were so young they just stick with you like glue. I never managed to go out with Andrew in

primary school I wasn't lucky enough so when ever some one did I used to always be jealous as hell very much so when Suzie went out with him for a few weeks here and there. Now back in my day at school the way you would ask a boy out wasn't to go up to him and ask him out right the way we all did was to right a note on a piece of paper which used to say “ will you go out with me” the note also contained three little boxes one said “yes”, one said “no” and the other said “maybe” and this was how you asked a boy out in our school. No boy actually ever said no or maybe it was always yes and there was another boy that all the girls seemed to fancy and at one point I think he said yes to about 5 different girls and at different times in school I was one of those girls who went out with Shaun Kerr. He was a bit of a dish in school and a total ladies man but when your cute and have had many girlfriends growing up in school who wouldn't fancy you. Shaun and Andrew both grew into fine looking men I managed to find them both on face-book but I have only had a catch up with Andrew who still managed to get my heart racing and made me feel like a little school girl again he will always be my school crush. I guess when your that young even though you think you can fall in love with a boy it will always turn out to be just a crush but a crush so great will always last a lifetime they always do when your able to remember them so well. I was close with different girls at primary school and there are a few that always stood out Nicola Carroll, Dawn Trump and Carolyn Giroux. Now the one thing I remember about Nicola Carroll was that her family lived at and run this country pub and it was so cool hanging out there because we got lots of coke to drink and crisps to eat and in general at that age it was always cool to hang out at a pub it made you feel all grown up. We were both really close until we had a big bust up over something I don't even remember school fight at that age were always over the top and dramatic but we were never the same after that she ended up becoming close with Suzie and so in a way I lost her as a friend for good after that and when she moved away it hurt even more as I was once again alone. Dawn Trump came to the area in year 7 I think after Carolyn and at first she intimidated me, she was so confident and was liked by everybody so she had immediate popularity but not really by Suzie manly by Caroline Yost and Claire Pearce which in a was an advantage for me because it was easier to befriend her. That was the year the series tow of friends had started and it was all the craze and we were both big friends fan so our friendship started from there and we became good friends. We hung out with Caroline a lot as her parent were divorced and her dad was rich he had a very nice house it also contained its very own mini bar so when ever we had a chance we were always up for having a sleep over at her dads. Even though I think mine and Dawns friendship was probably just based on us being mad on Friends she still made me feel less alone and like one of the gang properly and not like some outsider looking in but after that year we drifted apart and found a new circle of friends but I shall always remember us dancing on the stage to the Friends theme tune over and over again on our last day of primary school. Moving back to Caroline and her sleep overs they were awesome and the longest one we had went on for five days ending with me having a broken little pinky. Peer pressure does exist not that anybody made me drink any of Caroline's dads alcohol because I had already had my first taste of beer at the age of ten at an after show party I went to which just happened to be the first time I got tipsy too. I guess I didn't want to be pushed out and pushed away by everyone so I took my first sip of vodka and coke under duress but after that I was on my own and made my own decisions to carry on drinking at the sleep over. We weren't totally reckless we didn't ever get drunk we just drank every so often so he dad

wouldn't notice all the alcohol missing and when we weren't being under age drinkers we danced around the pool table to silly music and we baked cakes well we tried to. We never had the right ingredients so we just made it up as we went along and our cakes always went flat in the middle and 9 out of ten they were rather chewy. On our last day of our sleep over marathon we went and stayed at Nicola Birch's home which for me turned out to be some what painful. I remember Nicola's mum and her boyfriend Nigel decided to take us to the pub for dinner and walking down there Nicola's cousin or friend decided it would be funny to trip me up on purpose and in doing so of course the first thing you do when your falling is to put your hands out to stop yourself and protect yourself from really getting hurt. Well in doing so I fell funny and ended up braking my little finger in the process not that I knew it at the time because I didn't want to seem like a wimp and have Nicola's mum call my mum to come and get me so I dealt with the pain and stayed. Going up A&E next day with my mum was horrible, the doctor I had was a total bitch and didn't believe I couldn't move my finger. The stupid cow tried to move it for me and as I screamed in pain all I wanted to do was smack her for doing that, well she did deserve it but I didn't I think my mum must of said something and I was sent to get it x-rayed. Low and behold my little pinky was broken so the doctor got to eat her words and it got strapped up and I was sent home although at the time I didn't know that my mum was going to be getting a rather distressing phone call from Nicola's mum which landed all us girls in trouble. Someone had broken down and told about our drinking at Caroline's house and although it was never said I think we all knew it was Nicola as she was the only that didn't really drink anything at the time she was the good girl. What our mums didn't know was that if had happened someone squealing on us and our antics we had already conjured up a plan that was bound to work and not get us in trouble we decided to blame one another that way our punishment would be less severe. I wasn't sure what the other girls punishment was but all mine was that I had to stay away from them mainly Dawn as she was the one that I blamed and I was hers. My mum even went as far as to have a spy when we went to secondary school just to make sure I was obeying my mothers orders. When Carolyn came to our school all the way from Canada she was like a fresh of breath air and me certainly not knowing it but she was to become one of my best friends a girl could ever ask for. She was different and funny and everything Suzie wasn't and she soon came to realise how I felt feeling like the odd one out from the whole class. When she first started our school I think she tried to hard to make everyone like her apart from me I liked her just the way she was but no-one else really did and they often slagged her off behind her back so that's when she discovered I was treated like that and felt like a royal outcast and we became great friends and hung out as often as we could. I always preferred going round her house because she was French Canadian she had the best food ever. Carolyn was the one that got me into Orio's, the X files and every single American/Canadian thing I could think of. She even had a hammock in her back garden which is very American and I thought was the best thing since slice bread. Her whole house even though was British looked and felt American to me and it had a sense of warmth and homeliness that I often didn't feel at my home, so come to think of it spending all that time round her house and her loving family made me feel safe and gave me a glimpse of something I was missing and I was craving for. Less than a year after I left for secondary school and Carolyn went off to high school they got the news that her dads job was to take them back to Canada again and I was to loose my best friend. The last thing I remember about Carolyn is I made the mistake of not getting her new address over there and until this year when I found her on Face-book we had never spoken and she still looks the same beautiful as ever and married too.

A sense of loss and emptiness forever seemed lost from my heart and soul and in some ways I don't think I ever recovered from losing the best friend a girl could ever have. It became even harder for me to make friends and to really let people into my world, this rarely happened and sometimes when it did 95% of the time I wish I hadn't let them in. I was always screwed over by everybody and treated like shit and in the end I was just forgotten about and placed in the outcast pile. Its always funny how at the time all those school arguments you had with everyone at school always seemed so important like the world was going to end when you had a pathetic fight but looking back and actually thinking about those moments they seem so unimportant and worthless and quite comical really compared to all the worries and trivialisations that we go through now as adults. I still to this day think the funniest arguments we kids had was in primary school, I mean come on a pencil that you stole from the kid sitting next to you or someone getting a right strop over wanting to play a different game in the playground from the rest. Now these arguments could be the most dramatic hissy fits and could if needed last for days on end or even weeks if necessary. The dramas of the school playground may have gotten less frequent but they were forever and always stupid and so damn pathetic. The older you got the less petty the arguments got but instead of petty they just became more bitchy! After all us girls were born to play rough with all that hair pulling and scratching with those extra long girls nails well that's excluding me of course because iv always been one of those girls with that dirty nasty habit of biting my nails.....yes im a nail bitter! Why is it that when we think back about the times we spent at school we always remember the bad times and ignore and forget about the good times? Hmmmmmmm well obviously there wasn't very many good times then because I really cant remember that many. Either that or im just that old and cant remember through pure old person syndrome. I always remember and will always remember that I was forever the fall guy well girl for when Suzie Buckley was absent from school and all the other girls were able to say how they really felt about her. When we around we had to do as we were told which meant we had to play a certain game only she wanted to play and of course her perfectness did get on a lot of peoples nerves, I mean how could that not get on any ones nerves even today people like that who perceive themselves as the most perfect and outstanding people around winds me up and gets on my tits. From my point of view no one is perfect and no one should be worshipped the way Suzie was. In my defence about me being the fall guy I never did slag her off, I may of sat there and nodded in agreement with people to fit in but I know full well that I never slagged her off. I guess I was just the most likely choice to pass the buck and put the blame on, God forbid her worshipfulness found out that her most loyal friends ever slagged her off.

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