INT. OFFICE In an average, dull apartment.

JOE walks around the room, hands clutched over his head. Muttering to himself. JOE (V.O.) Another day. JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D) Another word. JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D) Another sentence. JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D) You get the drift. JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D) That’s my profession. The screenwriter. I write the shit you see. On screen. JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D) Action. Joe sits at his computer... and doesn't have any fucking idea what to do... JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D) He stares at a coffee cup in horrible defeat. But he smiles as he sees a plate at the edge of his desk JOE (CONT’D) Fortunately for me. I have inspiration. JOE grabs a plate full of cocaine on his desk. JOE (CONT’D) Come to papa. JOE snorts the plate and is taken into a world of many colors and other pretty things, like ponies and cookies. EXT. PARKING LOT JOE is sitting Indian style in a parking lot in front of a tea set. Across from him is AMANDA, his drug induced friend. To his left is a teddy bear named Mrs. Nesbit. Joe clears his nose.




AMANDA flashes a big smile at JOE. AMANDA What’s goin on Joe? JOE points at the tea kettle. JOE What’s this? Tea party. Uh... tea? AMANDA AMANDA (CONT’D)

JOE looks around the parking lot in sheer confusion. JOE What is this place? AMANDA Don’t ask me. It’s YOUR cocaine induced hallucination. I just live in it. JOE You got any ideas for me? AMANDA Don’t I always? Isn’t that right Mrs. Nesbit? Silence. Tea? AMANDA (CONT’D)

JOE Yes please. AMANDA You wanna make something bad don’t you? Yeah. JOE


AMANDA Your nose can only take so much of that shit at a time you know. JOE You preach to me inside my mind to? Why don’t you get that stick out of your ass? AMANDA hands him a stick. JOE (CONT’D) You still have jokes I see. Don’t ever change. AMANDA You want ideas? JOE Yeah damn it. JOE notices AMANDA continues to pour tea. But the cup never fills. AMANDA Well, you’re trying to write a movie. Why not write about that. JOE Because it’s a dumb idea. AMANDA Have I ever steered you wrong? JOE You’re a hallucination. AMANDA Dude. Listen to me. I know these things. I’m you. JOE I think I’ll go with my dream project. AMANDA What’s that. JOE Fuck, I’m starting to sober up. AMANDA Under next time then.


INT. OFFICE JOE is on the floor, LAUREN, his wife, is kicking him violently LAUREN Hey! Get the fuck up! God damn... JOE How’d you get in? LAUREN I’m your wife... Idiot. Nice... JOE

LAUREN Remember, the cameras? They’re here to do the documentary. LAUREN (CONT’D) Adam Kirby told you yesterday. JOE I was just talking to Amanda about... LAUREN No one is here Joe. Just us... And the camera guy. JOE No, we were out in the parking lot... she inspired me. LAUREN You know what. Don’t say anything else. Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up. JOE gases are Lauren, still half high. JOE You look pretty today. You change your hair? LAUREN Jesus Christ... JOE walks over to a computer and sits down.


JOE I, Joseph Black am about to embark on a voyage of artistic excellence! Silence. Then Joe bangs his head on his desk. JOE (CONT’D) Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. INT. BATHROOM JOE is taking a bubble bath. LAUREN is sitting just outside the open door. JOE Another day. Another artistic triumph. LAUREN Yeah fucking right... JOE Great art takes time. You know that great things take time. Did anyone rush Mozart when he did he requiem? LAUREN Mozart died before he finished that shit. If you wanna die. That can arranged. JOE Okay, that was a bad example. LAUREN I want something. Soon. You understand? JOE I gotca. Don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to Adam Kirby later. LAUREN That man is just a faggot. He’s the worst agent ever. JOE No, he’s cool. LAUREN I can see your sack. Fix that. JOE adjusts his position in the tub


LAUREN (CONT’D) I don’t even know why he still has a job. LAUREN (CONT’D) There a reason why I’m in here with you all naked and shit. JOE I’m jacking off. Mature. LAUREN

The phone rings. LAUREN continues to give JOE a glare. It’s clear she’s not going to go pick it up. JOE groans and picks up a phone near the tub. JOE Yeah, what’s up Kirby. ADAM (ON PHONE) Hey... how’s my favorite writer/director superstar person? JOE Stop with the bullshit Adam. You have some shit for me? ADAM (ON PHONE) I’m your agent., don’t I always. No. JOE

JOE puts it on speaker. ADAM (ON PHONE) Well fuck you. You remember that treatment you sent me, Niggas Don’t Know. JOE Yeah, that thing was fucking brilliant. ADAM (ON PHONE) The studio loved it. LAUREN I heard the phase “Garden Variety” like ten times.


LAUREN (CONT’D) Many times. ADAM (ON PHONE) They don’t care about that. JOE The woman wiped her ass with it and muttered something anti-semetic. LAUREN She hates niggers too. ADAM (ON PHONE) Hey. Okay, listen bro. I just got off the phone with some bitch named White Rabbit. JOE Fuck is that? ADAM (ON PHONE) No clue. But she agreed to pony up the cash. JOE What’s the catch. ADAM (ON PHONE) She wants to make a documentary about it... Bye Adam! JOE

ADAM (ON PHONE) Dude dude dude. He agreed to distribute this shit. That’s free advertising. Everything. You just need to churn something out. JOE Not as easy as it looks man. ADAM Sure it is! JOE I guess I’ll do “Niggas Don’t Know”. Oh my god. LAUREN


ADAM (ON PHONE) Who’s the best. JOE You are Adam. Adam who? ADAM (ON PHONE)

JOE Please don’t make me say it. Come on... ADAM (ON PHONE)

JOE Adam Fucking Kirby is the greatest. ADAM (ON PHONE) Sorry, can’t hear you. JOE Adam Fucking Kirby is the greatest. ADAM (ON PHONE) You so want to suck the cock of Adam Kirby don’t you? JOE Yes... yes I do. Yeah... Bye Adam. ADAM (ON PHONE) JOE

JOE hangs up the phone. JOE (CONT’D) Joe, now is your time to shine. JOE (CONT’D) After this bath. INT. OFFICE LAUREN You know when they’re getting here? Dunno. JOE


LAUREN It’s so messy. JOE Look who’s domestic all of a sudden. I’m getting a June Cleaver vibe over here. Fuck you. LAUREN

There’s a knock at the door. JOE and LAUREN freeze. LAUREN (CONT’D) You get that. JOE walks over to the door and answers it. JEREMY is standing there with a camera. Hey. JEREMY

JOE What’s the deal Jeremy? JEREMY I’m here to like... film you and stuff. LAUREN I don’t look good yet. Don’t start. JEREMY I don’t think that would really matter much. LAUREN groans and goes into the next room. JOE You just got up 15 minutes ago didn’t you? JEREMY Shut the fuck up furry. Let’s just get this shit done. EXT. ROAD JOE is walking down a road. Camera following him as he’s being interviewed JOE (V.O.) My name’s Joe. I make movies.


JOE (CONT’D) Some think all it takes to make a movie is a cheap camera and stupid idea. JOE (CONT’D) They were too right. JOE notices a car approaching JOE (CONT’D) Oh God... not again. JOE (CONT’D) Having a reputation as a furry around these parts is never easy. A person in the car hang a pie out of the window and smacks JOE in the face as they roll by. They drive away laughing Furfag! PERSON IN CAR

LAUREN shows up to help JOE to his feet. You okay? LAUREN

JOE Who throws a pie!? Honestly! EXT. ROAD JOE stands in front of a car. Wiping pie off his face. JOE It’s like they wait for me. JOE (CONT’D) At happens three times a week at least. But, a wolf can never falter. JOE (CONT’D) Cherry. It’s good. EXT. ROAD LAUREN continues her interview.


LAUREN Me and Joe have been married for a few years now. LAUREN (CONT’D) We met on the indie circuit. Kinda a whirlwind. I was so young then. LAUREN (CONT’D) God what have I done with my life. EXT. ROAD JOE continues his interview JOE I’m just another director right now... another black director. What fun is that? You gotta make a name for your own damn self.

EXT. ROAD LAUREN continues her interview. LAUREN He’s a really talented guy. INT. CAR JOE and LAUREN the car, listening to “Don’t Try to Stop It.” lip syncing as they go. EXT. PARK JOE This is where I go... to write. JOE (CONT’D) It’s very peaceful here. I like to set up my PC as such. We pan to camera to see JOE’s desktop computer set up on a picnic table in the park. Beautiful. JOE (CONT’D)


EXT. GUZY’S HOUSE JOE approaches GUZY’s house slowly and knocks on the door. JOE He’s a really hard nosed dude. So don’t expect anything interesting. GUZY OHHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GOODDDDDDD!!! JOE closes the door. Snickering can be heard behind the camera JOE starts to walk away. JOE Done... just done. LAUREN Just do it man. JOE Oh... fuck you. JOE walks back over to the door. GUZY I can’t believe it’s you. LAUREN You actually know him? GUZY How can I forget... “Mr. Deserted Island”, “Fire Truck Vs. Wahmulance”, or “You don’t know me!” LAUREN I’ve never heard of any of those. JOE Well Guzy... you ready to get creative and shit? Hell yeah! EXT. OPEN FIELD GUZY and JOE are sitting in chairs being interviewed. GUZY


GUZY The man is deep. I can’t believe they threw him out of Sundance. JOE I was too real. GUZY I know man. I know.

JOE Actually, we’re doing much more. INTERVIEWER (O.S.)


JOE We’re making a masterpiece JOE looks around. JOE (CONT’D) Guzy, he’s making me sweat. Answer. GUZY Uh... yeah. It’s a hybrid genre. LAUREN Oh god... we went through this already. GUZY Joe hit the scene hard a few years back with his docudrama, “For I have Seen How the Dog Pees.” JOE It was essentially scenes of dogs taking a piss on synced to the tunes of REO Speedwagon. Instant hit. LAUREN How many awards have you won. JOE My associate Patti tells me it’s a hit on Youtube... You know, 100k views, lots of follows.


So none. Smart ass.


JOE (CONT’D) How’d you and we meet?

GUZY Well we met at the local Ice Cream place. He was filming some ice cream melt for his documentary on the dangers of sunlight. EXT. ICE CREAM JOINT - AFTERNOON Joe is sitting at a table behind an ice cream cone. Staring at a camera. GUZY sits a table away, watching in awe. JOE See that America? That could be you don’t protect that fucking ozone layer. EXT. FIELD - DAY INTERVIEWER (O.S.) How did you get your start Guzy? Well... INT. BEST BUY GUZY and JOE are sitting in chairs being interviewed. GUZY (V.O.) I was in best buy. I think I was picking up a new Hannah Montana DVD or some shit. GUZY strolls down an aisle and picks up a Hannah Montana DVD. He licks his lips in victory. GUZY (CONT’D) I just need to buy some lotion. GUZY


GUZY (V.O.) (CONT’D) I saw the Ghostbusters Blu-Ray set. GUZY (V.O.) (CONT’D) And I decided to make a movie. INTERVIEWER (V.O.) When was this? GUZY (V.O.) Three days ago. EXT. FIELD - DAY GUZY and JOE are sitting in chairs being interviewed. INTERVIEWER (O.S.) Well, where are you gonna start. GUZY We’re not quite sure yet. Joe? No clue... JOE

Joe starts holding his head and rocking back and forth. GUZY Is that a flash of inspiration? I’ve heard about this! GUZY (CONT’D) You filming this? This is a once in a lifetime moment! LAUREN Or he just needs to lay off the crack. JOE Get my stash. Oh God... EXT. VACANT LOT LAUREN This is the set huh? LAUREN


JOE Yeah, you like it? LAUREN It’s very you. I’ll put it that way. LAUREN (CONT’D) It’s got charm though. LAUREN (CONT’D) If you like it. Then I like it. JOE Thanks sweetie. LAUREN Who’s ponying the cash for this thing anyway? Hello. WHITE RABBIT

JOE And you are? GREY WOLF Well, I’m Grey Wolf. And this is my wife, white rabbit. LAUREN I’m just gonna wait in the car. EXT. THE SET The “set” I.E. A vacant lot has very few pieces of equipment and a few chairs used for interviewing and shit. WHITE RABBIT and her husband GREY WOLF are being interviewed WHITE RABBIT People say being a producer is the easiest job there is. GREY WOLF Far from the truth. WHITE RABBIT These movie folk are the strangest people. Their damn demands. GREY WOLF We want bathrooms.


WHITE RABBIT Running water. Shade. GREY WOLF

WHITE RABBIT These things all come from china where they do slave labor. GREY WOLF Slave labor isn’t right. WHITE RABBIT Unless it’s black people. GREY WOLF Whoaaaaaaaaa... WHITE RABBIT I’m just saying they’re made for this sort of thing. WHITE RABBIT (CONT’D) Nothing racial. It’s an advantage that they have strong upper body. GREY WOLF We can cut that out right? WHITE RABBIT We believe in the preservation of the earth. GREY WOLF That’s why we’re going to create the first green movie. WHITE RABBIT Single camera. No emissions. GREY WOLF I love the environment. WHITE RABBIT I love you. GREY WOLF No I love you. IDA So you both love each other. Glad we got that out of the way.


GREY WOLF Who might you be. JOE That’s Ida, she’s been my assistant for a while. WHITE RABBIT Pleased to meet you. IDA Wow, real live hippies. Guys, the Bob Seger concert was last week. EXT. FIELD IDA is being interviewed IDA This shit doesn't happen without me. EXT. FIELD JOE is walking around set and finds IDA eating some sort of breakfast sandwitch. JOE Is that my breakfast? IDA looks at it for a second. Yeah. IDA

JOE continues to stare in disgust. IDA (CONT’D) See something you like? This is sexual harassment bub. JOE Every time, do we have to go through this. IDA Through what? JOE You being you.


IDA Hey, I gotta put up with you. I think you’re well compensated. JOE Did you at least get those elephants I wanted. IDA You know I gottca. JOE Well I don’t need them. IDA They’re coming right now. JOE Well stop them. IDA It’s a truck for of elephants dude. JOE Well make it happen. That’s what I hired you for. Right. IDA

JOE That’s why I love you. Fuck. EXT. SET IDA is being interviewed IDA Joe’s got a little drug problem you know. Maybe it explains his writing. I dunno. EXT. JOE Then we’re gonna blow that shit up over there. IDA


IDA You’re fucking serious aren’t you? JOE Dead fucking serious. IDA I could make a call. Could you? JOE

IDA Hey, I’m your girl. JOE smiles and walks off. IDA takes out her cell phone and makes a call. IDA (CONT’D) Yeah, I need someone to blow shit up for free. IDA (CONT’D) Stop laughing! EXT. SET IDA is getting interviewed IDA Like I said, shit just doesn't happen without me. EXT. SET LAUREN runs into JOE who’s actively trying to avoid her. LAUREN You got that script? Yeah... JOE

LAUREN Why like that? JOE I just don’t like it. LAUREN Don’t start.




LAUREN Don’t. Last time. We ended up going to Peru so you could “Find Yourself” JOE That was a fun time wasn’t it? You know the mountains and... LAUREN No. It’s not fine. JOE We talked about this before. What? LAUREN

JOE You taking control? LAUREN Someone’s gotta. I’m not going to Peru again. JOE You don’t have to worry about that. LAUREN I hope not. JOE Don’t worry about it. Kay? EXT. SET LAUREN continues her interview LAUREN I worry about him, a lot. He seems to be into you know... LAUREN (CONT’D) Extracurriculars. LAUREN (CONT’D) Yeah, I gave that shit up. It’s not worth it.


LAUREN (CONT’D) Sometimes I’m like. Lauren, you don’t need that shit. You’re not writing children’s books anymore. LAUREN (CONT’D) I kinda miss it though. LAUREN (CONT’D) You ever been on a trip. LAUREN (CONT’D) Well it’s different for every human being. Some of us start flying, others may get naked and run around our apartment complexes at three in the morning singing Elton John. LAUREN (CONT’D) Apparently, Joe has tea parties with our friend Amanda. EXT. SET JOE is getting interviewed JOE Drug usage is a big part in creating the film. Look at the Beatles “Yellow Submarine” JOE (CONT’D) Motherfuckers were on Acid, I swear to God. And look what they did. Fucking art. JOE (CONT’D) I see you judging me with your eyes. JOE (CONT’D) I could have you killed. EXT. SET JOE is looking out on the set and IDA approaches him. IDA Why the fuck do we have a light guy?


JOE Shit, he’s still here. IDA I swear to God, how many times do I have to fire that guy. IDA (CONT’D) Just another one of my responsibilities... you know. IDA (CONT’D) And where’s my sandwich? IDA notices DAHL, the light guy eating her sandwitch. IDA (CONT’D) Motherfucker! EXT. SET DAHL is getting interviewed DAHL Yeah... I’m Simon Dahl... DAHL (CONT’D) Yeah. She totally flipped over nothing. It’s just a sandwich. IDA (O.S.) I know where you live fucker! JOE (O.S.) Both of you. Shut up. DAHL You shut up! JOE (O.S.) Dude, you do lights. No one gives a shit about you. DAHL stares at the ground in discontent. EXT. SET DAHL, after composing himself, conintues with the interview. DAHL There people just don’t get it. Without light.


DAHL (CONT’D) You have nothing. DAHL (CONT’D) And God said, let there be light! Fucking God man! Fucking Bible. EXT. SET JOE is talking to DAHL JOE How many times have we done this. DAHL I know you’re not serious. You need a light guy. DAHL (CONT’D) Just ain’t right to do otherwise. JOE I could bring Ida over here. She already wants your blood... JOE (CONT’D) And no court would convict her. DAHL But the lighting... Joe sighs. Dude... We have... No. Lights! JOE JOE (CONT’D) JOE (CONT’D) JOE (CONT’D)

DAHL Therein lies your problem. Maybe that’s the link between you and your writers block. JOE Who told you I had writers block?


DAHL Your wife told me, she’s very conserned. JOE Well I appricite it, but I have no problems writing. You sure. I’m sure. No shit? No shit. INT. LEIA’S HOUSE LEIA, JOE’s psychologist is being interviewed LEIA Joe sometimes comes to me when he can’t write. I guess I inspire him or something. I just wish he’d go to the office. INT. LEIA’S HOUSE JOE is laying on a couch. LEIA is sitting in a chair next to him. JOE I still can’t write. LEIA Joe, this really isn’t the venue... JOE Of course it is, you said I could see you any time. LEIA I haven’t had breakfast. I can get really grumpy. I don’t know how much help I can be. JOE I need something. DAHL JOE DAHL JOE


LEIA Fine. Have a seat. LEIA (CONT’D) Can I get you anything? JOE No, no. That’s fine. LEIA Still not sleeping? JOE Not a wink. It’s been killing me. JOE (CONT’D) And Lauren is no help. LEIA I’m sorry to hear that. JOE Shit happens. LEIA You’re not still doing drugs I hope. No... JOE

LEIA Don’t lie to me, I don’t have the time today man. JOE Just a little, from time to time. LEIA How many times a day. Don’t be. JOE

LEIA Joe, do you want me to speak to you as your doctor or as your friend. JOE Chirst... will you be my friend today.


LEIA I good friend would fill up a pillow case with bars of soap and beat the shit out of you. LEIA (CONT’D) Still want me to be your friend today? No... JOE

LEIA Okie then. If you really want to get inspired... Yeah? JOE

LEIA Embrace those visions. What? JOE

LEIA You heard me, embrace the visions. JOE So play along. LEIA You said there were tea parties. Play along with the tea party. JOE You serious? LEIA It’s before breakfast. I’m nothing but serious. JOE Can I tell you about another vision I had. Sure. LEIA

JOE I illustrated it using RPG maker 2000.


JOE proceeds to pull out a laptop from behind the couch and fires up RPG Maker 2000 LEIA Oh God... Joe... JOE Just wait for it. JOE flips the screen around to show the animation. JOE (CONT’D) Okay, you see me walking. Duh. LEIA

LEIA (CONT’D) Why are you white? Is this some kinda... JOE No, I’m too lazy to change the sprites. Let’s focus. JOE (CONT’D) We’re walking, we’re walking. And THEN! Cliffs. JOE (CONT’D)

JOE (CONT’D) One would think I could jump this shit. LEIA But you didn’t program it that way. JOE I was just IN the dream. Gotta keep up. Stupid me. LEIA

JOE Okay, after a few tries. I get onto this ice platform thing. JOE (CONT’D) Then the fucking Yeti attacks.


LEIA The fucking Yeti... I think that’s enough of you for one day. JOE But we’re not at the anal sex yet. LEIA I think that can wait. INT. LEIA’S HOUSE LEIA continues her interview LEIA I swear he’s losing his mind. LEIA (CONT’D) But as his friend, and a professional. I have a duty. EXT. SET IDA I think your shrink is an idiot. JOE We can’t start production until the script is done, and that’s all me. IDA Bullshit, we can start. We’ll just shoot in sequence. JOE You know how ridiculous and moronic that would be. IDA Yeah, I thought it was something you’d do. JOE When are the actors getting here? IDA They said noon, but I feel like they’re running on colored people time. JOE You mean they’re late?


IDA Yeah, what’d I say? JOE Well go find out for sure. LAUREN You see her this morning? JOE Yeah, Leia was a big help. JOE (CONT’D) No, I lied, snarky as always. LAUREN Had to have told you something? JOE Yeah, she said to play along with the visions. What? LAUREN

JOE Yeah, I think it’s worth a try. IDA They’re coming. Gird your loins. EXT. SET ZAP CANNON, a douchey looking actor steps out of a car and takes off his sunglasses in slow motion. ZAP CANNON Where’s the director? JOE That’d be me. JOE extends his hand for a handshake but is denied JOE (CONT’D) You must be Dave... ZAP CANNON Zap... Zap Cannon. IDA Judaic action superstar. We know the drill. I briefed him.


JOE No you didn’t. IDA (Muttering) Shut the hell up. ZAP CANNON Where’s my banana. I require one every hour because of my potassium deficiency. IDA And it begins. JOE Who are these two? ZAP CANNON Bebop and Rock Steady. ZAP CANNON (CONT’D) You think that’s funny? Very. JOE

IDA I’m gonna go get your fruit. IDA walks away. ZAP CANNON Now there’s a good woman right there. JOE Oh, you’ll learn. ZAP CANNON So where’s my trailer. JOE You see that’s the thing. There isn’t one... ZAP CANNON You’re going to jail. I’m gonna get my attorney on the phone. You know, he’s Jewish too. JOE Wait, hold on.


ZAP CANNON Remember what we did to your people in the book for Genesis? Well that time’s coming again motherfucker. JOE Wait. Hold on, maybe we can work something out. Perhaps. ZAP CANNON

JOE Your co-star should be here pretty soon. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed. ZAP CANNON We’ll see... IDA returns with a banana IDA Here’s your banana. Watch or for those damn turtles. ZAP CANNON smiles and walks away. JOE This was a mistake wasn’t it? IDA The biggest. JOE What’d you do to that banana? IDA Let’s just say it smells like vag. JOE You’re sick. IDA That’s why you love me. EXT. SET IDA continues her interview.


IDA Actors are like that sometimes, they think they’re on top of the world, they think they’re untouchable. IDA (CONT’D) Next thing you know, they’re putting on a fat suit as an excuse to wear a dress. IDA (CONT’D) It’s a sad cycle. That’s why I don’t act. EXT. SET LAUREN runs into DAHL in the middle of the set. LAUREN Oh my God, you’re still here? DAHL Fuck wouldn’t I be? LAUREN I thought they fired you? Yeah. DAHL

LAUREN You know what, you keep doing what you’re doing. DAHL I’m trying to find the perfect spot for the lights. LAUREN Dude, there are no lights. DAHL You need to be prepared my dear. LAUREN You’re too much. DAHL Your ass dosen’t look so big from here.


INT. DAHL I learned today that even writers are extremely insecure about their self image. IDA gives DAHL a steak. IDA Put this on it. DAHL whinces. DAHL It’s marinated. IDA I’m gonna be hungry later. INT. CAR LAUREN walks by a car and finds JOE snorting up again. LAUREN What are you doing?! JOE I need to be inspired. And I need to be inspired now. No. LAUREN

JOE Don’t get so uptight. LAUREN I can’t cover for you here. You know that. JOE Don’t worry about it. Just keep everyone busy. Fine. LAUREN walks away. LAUREN


EXT. LAKEFRONT The city in the background. We find ourselves at another tea party. AMANDA Hey Joe. Welcome back. Me and Mrs. Nezbit missed you. JOE Beautiful view. Isn’t it? AMANDA

JOE Great city. Tea? Oh yes. AMANDA JOE

AMANDA How’s the writing? Slow. JOE

AMANDA And Lauren... you two still fucking? JOE When she lets me. AMANDA You need to. Your balls will stop working. JOE Hey, lets stick to the writing. AMANDA But your balls... JOE The writing! AMANDA Shit, he’s really mean today. Isn’t he Mrs. Nizbit?


JOE And damn it, does this thing ever fucking fill. AMANDA Someone’s a little angry. You need a nap? JOE I’m fine Amanda... just fine. JOE (CONT’D) But what do I do?? Sweetie... AMANDA

JOE I gotta know, I’m sitting out there in a car, high as fuck. AMANDA Let me see. AMANDA (CONT’D) “Niggas Don’t Know About My Suburbs”. AMANDA (CONT’D) First off, this name sucks. JOE The name stays. AMANDA Do you want my help or not? JOE The name I believe encompasses all the crap we suburbanites go through. AMANDA stares in a “fuck you” manner. AMANDA So hookers, high stakes poker, and high speed chases. JOE Uhhh... yeah. Duh. Don’t be stupid. AMANDA Real hood. Cool story bro.


AMANDA (CONT’D) I’m your imagination. I’m only as dumb as you are. But maybe I’ve giving you too much credit. AMANDA (CONT’D) Nigger please! JOE Does this damn cup ever get full? AMANDA Okay... this. Huh? JOE

AMANDA Film this. You can’t lose. JOE Oh thank you. EXT. CAR IDA is staring at JOE through the window. Wow. IDA

JOE rolls down the window. JOE How long you been there? IDA Since you started jacking off on your steering wheel. IDA (CONT’D) You need to be alone? JOE That’d be great, thanks. EXT. SET It’s the first day of actual filming.


JOE Okay, in the scene, it’s very simple. You’re gonna slide over the hood of this car. ZAP CANNON That’s it? No explosion? No nothing. JOE It’s just an establishing shot. We don’t really need to... ZAP CANNON Who do I need to talk to about rewrites? JOE Me, and we aren’t going to have any. ZAP CANNON Your script sucks, it’s crying out for help man. No... JOE

JOE puts the script up to his ear. JOE (CONT’D) It’s telling you to shut the fuck up. ZAP CANNON I need to call my agent. EXT. SET JOE is continuing his interview JOE It’s crazy man. It’s crazy. JOE (CONT’D) But I have here the finished product. It’s been a long fucking time coming. JOE (CONT’D) Who’s that?


EXT. SET IDA walks up to JOE with AMY, a young actress. IDA Yeah, this is Amy... Cumshot. AMY That’s Timshot. IDA I know, what did I say? AMY Fucking bitch. IDA Joe’s over there, try not to suck any dick on your way this is a disease free sit. AMY Fuck you old lady. EXT. SET AMY is giving her interview. AMY Yeah, I’m Amy, you might no we from such films like I Knew What You Did Last Tuesday between 4-and 6”. “Bikini House Party 6” DAHL (O.S.) Personal favorite DAHL (O.S.) (CONT’D) Just sayin... AMY Adam Kirby gave me a call and said there was a part for a hot Mexican girl. AMY (CONT’D) And since I was the only one on the list who wasn’t pregnant, who better right?


EXT. SET IDA is finishing her interview, half drunk. IDA This new generation of actresses... always party party party. IDA (CONT’D) When I was her age, I was in fucking school. IDA (CONT’D) Don’t you walk away from me! IDA (CONT’D) This film, is gonna be something amazing. I can feel it. I know these things. Been in the business for... since before your parents fucked. EXT. SET JOE is finishing his interviews JOE I feel as if these actors, just aren’t in it for the cause of cinema. They have no respect at all. JOE (CONT’D) It’s a sad reality quite frankly. JOE (CONT’D) We’re a dying breed you and me. JOE (CONT’D) People don’t want indie films anymore. You gotta spend money to make money. And we indie filmmakers don’t have jack shit to spend. JOE (CONT’D) We’re all just drunk on our own passion I suppose. EXT. SET DAHL is finishing his interview


DAHL I finally got some good spots for the lights. Too bad it’s too late EXT. SET ZAP CANNON finishes his interview. ZAP CANNON I have respect for what he’s doing. I just don’t think Joe is doing it very well. ZAP CANNON (CONT’D) I mean shit. We’re in an open field at an old drive in... about to shoot a car chase. What the fuck is this? ZAP CANNON (CONT’D) The girl doesn't look half bad though. EXT. SET IDA and JOE are standing in front of a car IDA Okay, we oiled down the hood a little bit. Should be easy to slide across now. JOE Let’s give it a whirl then. JOE slides across the hood and busts his shit. EXT. SET JOE giving his last words to the camera JOE I feel it’s important to test the props for the actors. They’ll do anything you do. JOE (CONT’D) God... my back...


EXT. DALEY PLAZA - 6 MONTHS LATER JOE and LAUREN approach IDA who’s sitting on a bench. Hey. JOE

IDA You wanted to meet me. What for? Hey. LAUREN

IDA You guys were planning to kill me all this time I knew it! LAUREN Get over yourself. Just wanted to discuss the film. IDA It’s been in post for a while now hasn’t it? LAUREN It’s a hit. Look. IDA Well fuck me in the ass and call me a bitch. LAUREN White rabbit wants a sequel. We already signed the actors back. I’m in. IDA

JOE Good. Let’s go eat fried chicken or something.

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